What a freaking world.

No seriously - No seriously

2007-09-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

What a freaking world.

I am done with T now and once again it has ended in disaster.

After Love, hate, tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of wonderful bliss, two abortions, divorce, rehab, Public Intoxication and DUI it is over. The stage in my life could not have been worse. She was emotionally unstable and emotionally immature. I could not have picked a better candidate to fail with. I would like to say that I learned something but I don't know what I did other than I should let someone else pick the person that I am going to be with rather than using my illustrious free will.

What is love? What is it all about.
Am I the only one doomed to serial monogamy? Is that what this is all about?

So - Here's What's up!

2006-05-04T05:04:00.000-07:00

Hello world, I am back. And guess what, more problems when it is related to women.

For the past month I met and have been seeing this girl.

I will call her T
(I have a thing for T's huh).

Anyway - she claims to be moved by the moon. Waxing and Waning. I can't argue with that, she does seem to be hot and cold.

Ok let me say a few things about her situation. She is getting a divorce. She has kids. She has baggage.

I am not that great of a person myself. I realize that.

So I just don’t know where to go with this. At all. I love her. She is someone that I get along with; she is someone that I can talk to.

At the same time she tells me that she doesn’t want to talk to me for several days because she needs time to think about everything.

So my conclusions are: - Is she afraid that we are moving too fast? Is she not in love with me? Yes – it’s only been a month.

But here is my real problem:
When I think about it I start to feel weird. Like anxiety. Like I start to sweat, hyperventilate almost. I am losing sleep over this, it is physically affecting me. I am losing weight.

In any case, I am not sure what to do about her and about this situation.

Should I just move on? Should I just wait? I think she is worth it but I don’t really know.

Current Status

2004-09-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have received much email about my current status. I am currently alive, but more on that later.

OT

2004-05-18T05:29:00.000-07:00

As the time grows nearer and my stomach ache worsens I think about you.

If I may I need to talk to the OT please.
Dan- You commented on me emailing you in the morning. You said you always looked forward to hearing from me.
OT- That's right, I looked forward to it.
D - I didn't know what to say most of time. I will say this, I loved your emails. I loved the fact that you would tell me each and every detail. I never said that to you.
OT - You didn't think that I blabbed too much.
D- I would say not enough.
OT - Come on they were too long.
D - I wished I had one to read right now OT.
NT - Hey remember me? To hell with you.
D - I am talking to the OT right now, can I at least have that?
OT - It's ok NT I will be ok.
D - I really do wish I had one right now.
OT - Let me try to make one for you if it helps the pain.
Well last night at choir practice we sang this song that I really like. It was hard for me because I have been sick. I am not all the way well yet.
But I made it through. Then I watched some TV before I was called by my mom wondering if I made that ticket purchase. I can't wait to go and see her. She can't wait to see me.
D - Thanks OT, that is what I remember and you have made me cry.
OT - No problem babe.

OT and NT

2004-05-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Old Terrin-
I have lots of stuff to do this morning; it should be lots of fun. (Sarcasm). What have you got planned?
What is your weekend going to entail?
New Terrin - I will be hosting a party and you are not invited.
Old Terrin - You should have been invited Dan, I would have invited you.
Dan- I know OT, but the NT is in control.
NT - I have taken control of our life OT and he is not welcome in it.
OT - Can I break away? You don't need me do you NT?
NT - No, you are a part of me, I need you, you help define me. Besides, you are a reminder of the mistakes I have made in the past.
Dan - For as much as I would like to see the break, I have to agree with NT. OT, NT needs you in case I ever show up again. OT, you will be the reminder for NT never to let this happen again.
OT - I am speechless.
Dan - I am too OT.
NT - Well I am strong and you two are weak. So let me be the driving force. OT you are with me, stop talking to Dan. And as for you Dan, bugger off. The OT and NT have things to do, like work, like get on with our lives. None of this involves you. None of it. Not our love life, not our work life. Nothing. Stop it.
Dan - I think I like the OT better. NT you are really hurtful.

The Split

2004-05-18T05:03:00.000-07:00

Dan- Good morning Terr
Terrin - What do you want, you know you call me and wake me up too early.
Dan - I just want to hear your voice.
Terrin - My voice that isn't even awake yet.
Dan - It's beautiful to me.
Terrin - What do you want Dan.
Dan - You.
Terrin - Why do you do this?
Dan - I can't help it. It's something inside me.
Terrin - Yeah, it's something all right.
Dan - Common, I am trying to be suave.
Terrin - Save it, I never loved you. You are wasting your time.
Dan - Do you mean that?
Terrin - Why does it matter, I have already forgotten you.

I have decided to divide you into 2. From now on there is the New Terrin and there is the Old Terrin.
The Old Terrin is the one that I know and am most familiar. I will probably speak with her most often.

Stages of Grief

2004-05-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

Well this is day 2 of writing to myself and thinking that I am writing you. It seems to have helped. Some things that have been troubling me though. This process is like you have died.
So from college I looked up the stages of grief
***********************
http://www.wyfda.org/basics_4.html
The first reaction was shock. The universal first reaction to hearing the news was, "No."
The second stage that quickly followed was denial.
"This can't be happening to me."
The third stage was anger. This anger was usually directed at God, nature, or luck, but needed to be understood by the family because it usually became directed at them at some point.
The fourth stage was bargaining. The patient typically hoped that God would extend their life or cure them in exchange for promised behavior.
The fifth stage was grieving. This is usually the longest lasting stage of the cycle and is marked by deep depression and mood changes.
The final stage was acceptance. Once this stage is reached, the patient usually used whatever time remaining to "put their house in order." There was a marked peace in the patient's mood. Death was not a feared event.
***********************

I think that I am at the acceptance stage. I went to bed thinking that I was going to get up and come see you and by the time I got to sleep I thought it was better to stay away. You know Terrin this really sucks. Just wanted to say that.

There was another point in my life that this happened. It was Sally. I went crazy for an entire year. I mean crazy and did crazy shit.

Needless to say I haven't seen you. I just want to know you are at least thinking about your "Friend".

In the beginning of all of this I kept throwing up. Things are getting better. To think about you still makes me get upset though. Very much so.

So I have the email here from yesterday and I debate whether you will ever see it. It might hurt you too much Terrin. I don't want to hurt you in the least bit. I want a hug.

If I could turn back time. Every time that you said you needed a hug I wished I could run to your aid. I really need one now. I mean I really wished that I could be in your arms and hold you close.

More later.

Doomed

2004-05-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

I wonder how you look today.
It always surprised me how good you always looked. I would have thought since I started thinking about you in a different manner that you might start to appear differently.
You don't in my mind though. Still the same beautiful woman that I remember. I am doomed. I mean really doomed.
I see no exit in this.
And I am sure you have experienced this in your life.
Sadness, so intense that my eyelids are so heavy that it is hard to keep them open. I guess I could be mad. But what would that matter?

thanks

2004-05-17T17:45:00.000-07:00

I have never written so much down about you and about me and you.
Ok, here are my latest exploits. I have gone through emails and on some you wrote "thank you (or thanks) for being such a good friend".
What the fuck, why would you want to close our friendship. In the very least I have tried to be there for you. And do stuff and be nice, including this situation. I have tried to be nice. What the fuck Terrin.
A nice little thanks. Thanks, thanks for nothing is what you meant. That is what you should have put it. Why did you mean something so nice at one time and could change your mind later. Why??

Miss you

2004-05-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be as nice to you as possible. There is no way I can send this email. I would rather read it to you, but I know we aren't seeing each other. That is the only way that I could get out of you hating me more. I really miss you Terrin. I really really miss you.
I cannot say in words how empty this makes me feel.

Thanks for the Call!

2004-05-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, after that exchange I am a little hot under the collar. Thanks for the phone call!
It really amazes me that you can play this all out under the guise of being the strong one.
I imagine that you might inquire about this email and/or about my time. I don't know if I should tell you that I have been writing at great lengths about us. I wonder if you even care to see it.
I still can't believe that you are the ‘strong one’.
I wonder if they will give you a medal for weight lifting.

one question

2004-05-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about making such an xboyfriend move.
Taking all of my stuff here and sending it back to you.
I am just kidding though.
I need to talk to you one more time though, can I?
Terrin - No
Dan - Hey I wanted to know something though.
Terrin - Dan, you are a waste of my time. Stop bothering me.
Dan - Yes, for months I have been wasting your time. But I just wanted to ask you a question. Please? (Am I down to begging)?
Terrin - I don't say this lightly to anyone. Go to Hell.
Dan - WOW, I really did not expect that from you. That really makes me think that you really don't want me to talk to you.
Terrin - Bingo, I want to ask you something. What is gonna take for you to get the hint?
Dan - I have gotten the hint. I just don't know what to say, or do. It feels like I have lost you and I keep reeling from it.
Terrin - get over it, Dan why don't you hold onto that chip that you have on your shoulder for a while to keep from reeling.
Dan - That is not funny Terrin, all I wanted was to ask you one question.
Terrin - Too bad. Remember the Hell comment? Follow it.

Email

2004-05-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

Hello there Terr.
Well I just thought about you when I walked outside.
The thought made me sick again.
My head seems to be on fire. It is amazing the physical incarnation of this.
Well I have made a decision. I think that I am going to go to the doctor and ask to be put on antidepressants.
I seem to be in a downward spiral and I see no roadblocks that would prevent or help my path.
You really perplex me sometimes. The thought of a hug haunts me.
All I want is to feel that again.
That is so much to ask. That is too much to ask. ?
I want you to see this email but yet I think it might be too much.
These are my inner thoughts and feelings.
I should hold back right? These are mine and you don't care.
Well you may care but you don't reciprocate.
So why should I? So why should I care if you see this email?
Why would I want you to see something personal of mine? Yes it is about you but hell, what the hell.

Imaginary conversation

2004-05-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since this is the new thing then I will continue to write where you are responding to me.
Since you are not going to write nor talk to me then I will talk for you.
Dan- "Terrin I miss talking to you."
Terrin- "Fuck you Dan - you are a piece of shit and deserve to die."
Dan - Terrin I know that I hurt you but it is eating me from the inside out that you now longer talk to me. I guess this will go away eventually but I am concerned because I keep throwing up.
Terrin- You deserve it.
Dan - I know I deserve it. I have made my bed and now I must lie in it.
Terrin - That is something I miss about you. Lying with you.
Dan - Really? You mean that?
Terrin - No, wake up dick. I am not talking to you remember. This is fiction. Reality is that you are still a dick.
Dan - All I can say is that I hope you are happy.
Terrin - You don't mean that, you are really mad, well I want you to be mad.
Dan - I don't understand that. Why do you want me to be mad?
Terrin - Maybe I want you to fight for me? (Not sure about this statement that you
fictionally made).
Dan - Interesting. But I am still unsure why I would be mad. If I am mad it is with myself.
Terrin - Good and the fact that you are hurting. I have hurt for the past couple of months.
Dan - Really? Are you really telling me how you feel?
Terrin- No, remember that I am not talking to you. And I have not told you how I feel about you. I reserve that for others.
Dan- Even the way you feel about me? You reserve that for others?
Terrin - Yes sir. Fuck you.
Dan - Man that is harsh, I can't even know how you feel about me. Man oh Man.
Terrin- Sometimes I lie awake and wished I never met you.
Dan - Sometimes I lie awake and think about you.
Terrin - That is stupid and so are you.
Dan - It is truthful though.
Terrin - Dan let me ask you something.
Dan - Do I have a choice imaginary Terrin?
Terrin - No, so here goes. What were your intentions with me. What did you want from me?
Dan - My intentions were never bad. I wanted to talk to you. I am very lonely right now. I have no one to talk to.
Terrin - Serves you right asshole.

#4

2004-05-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that I am tired of being nice.
I want you to email me. I fucking hate this.

I hate that you have shut me out.
Why can't I talk to you? Why are you doing this to me?

Does this mean that this doesn’t affect you?
I would give my left arm to know how you feel and what you are thinking. Well I guess I need to be nice.
Right. It's the right thing to do.
Like you said -
Why can't we be 'professional'? So professional it is.

Last night was bad. I drank until I passed out.
It is the only way I could stand the pain until Sat.

I deleted every email that I had

I don't have those either. The one about your fantasy.
The one about you- nevermind.

A little truth now. -
I guess it doesn't matter, never mind, you will never see this and it just doesn't matter.
I was going to tell something truthful but why should I? Fuck you Dan, Fuck You. That is what you are really saying to me. Fuck you lowly son of a bitch that fucked with me and I am moving on. Do you see what is happening?
You are answering me (I am now answering for you since you no longer talk to me).

So in the absence of you emails I now write for you.

#3

2004-05-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

So what's really funny is the fact that you were used to and anticipated emails from me in the morning and I am used to seeing and checking email throughout the day. I keep checking for emails that are not there.
It's like a black hole. They keep going in but nothing is being sent back. I guess I better get used to it.

#2

2004-05-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

Things I will miss about you.
Talking to you when you lay next to me. Your laugh, your smile.
Holding you. Kissing you. Touching the back your neck and head when we kiss. Laying next to you and feeling your body.
The way you talk to me. The way you wish me happy bday.
I try to put on such a good stern face for you.
If you only knew how much it hurt inside.
How much it really hurt, how much pain I am really in.
How I woke up last night 3 times and started to cry in bed.

I have to get through this. I can’t keep this up.

The Saddest Lines

2004-05-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, lets play a little game. Since I cannot write Terrin I have this new technology that is called the Draft folder. I write this email and I don't press send I 'move' it to the draft folder or maybe I will blog it.

This Hurts Terrin. I cannot tell you how much this hurts. I don't want to lose you. But what can I do? I have thought about it non-stop since Friday.

You know that you have never really told me how you feel about me. I have never heard things like Dan "I Love You", Dan "I Hate You". Yes you sign your emails with ‘Love’ but whatever.
What I have heard sticks with me though.
“How do you tell your boyfriend that you are seeing someone else?”
“I don't think he would want me emailing you.” (more on that in a minute).
Lets get some anger out. The email thing. Let me first tell you a few things. Let me say that I have been as open and honest with you every time that I have spoken to you and been with you. You know things about me that no one else does in the world and probably never will. You can take that to the grave.

That is what hurts too. I have been shut off to you.
I guess that is the way things are supposed to be in an intimate relationship. You share with each other.

I no longer have that access and from the sounds of it you want to stop talking to me completely. That fucking kills me Terrin. My heart aches, I mean that I am in physical pain. I keep throwing up. I don't want to eat. This is truly a form of Hell.

But I digress. Karma has come back to bite me on the ass for all the bad I have done.

I wished that I could go away. That would be the easiest thing. I feel so bad.

So I drive to work today and it's everything I can do not to keep driving to your place. I made it though.
I don't want to see you, it's too painful.
But I do want to see you. That is the fucking truth.
I want more than that. I hope this guy is fucking worth it.
Well actually he doesn't have to be since I must not be worth shit.

Things I need to change in my life:
I need to get a new job.
I need to get my shit together.

So now that I have lost you what should I do?
What should happen now? I keep my fucking chin up.
I keep going. I don't want to keep going.
It hurts too much.
What are my options though? I have none.
This is my life.

I have nothing Terrin. I mean I have cards and some gifts and some Pics. But what do I have in the future; they fucking represent the fucking past.
They are static. They will never gain meaning and talk to me about what you are feeling now. Or what you are doing now. Or how you are feeling now.
I have a response from you that says, "I don't think he would want me emailing you". Well isn't this nice. I have been asking for something for a long time. But I never got it. I have fucking nothing and no fucking access to you and your life. You have completely shut me out.

I have nothing.
I know I keep saying that but it scares me that I had you and now you don't exist. I wonder what it is going to be like if I see you, you are going to be like a ghost. I am going to have to ask myself whether or not you exist. The answer of course will be no.
You don't exist. You have become one of the many faces that I don't know and see during the day while walking.
Sometimes I look at them in the face and say hello, sometimes I just keep my head down. That hurts.

What I guess I do have is called the hug.
The hug is the last time I got to touch you.
I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to stop holding you.
You have never told me how you feel about me. All you ever say is that you have given your heart to someone else. That hurts that you are not open.

Once again
I am giving to you and you are not giving to me.

LAT
Life After Terrin.

So what is Life After Terrin?
Life after Terrin is going to be hard at first. The first step is to write these emails and save them into the draft folder instead of sending them to you.

I look at my life and some claim that I have everything. Some people will say that I could not ask for anything more. I look at my life and myself and think how fucked up I am and how fucked up it is.
This is really hard Terrin. Talking to you is going to be a hard habit to break.
I actually like talking to you. I haven’t treated you very well I guess. I can only be sorry and ask for forgiveness. I seem to continue to be sorry about many things.

This morning I write the saddest lines.

I really feel like shit. Oh well, I guess I better be off doing work. I wouldn't want to lose my job.

The Call

2004-05-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

So I get a call from my now ex-girlfriend. She says that she is seeing someone else and that we are not supposed to talk anymore. Man this blindsided me.

What to do?

2004-05-15T21:07:00.000-07:00

So what do I do? She tells me that she needs time, that we should take some time and think about things. She will not talk to me. I don’t want to act like a stalker but I went over to her place and she did not come home for the hour that I waited. She will not return my calls, of freaking course I can’t email her (no computer). I should act strong and just wait until she is ready. I can’t believe that she is doing this.

Answering Machine

2004-05-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

She let her answer machine pick up. I left a message. Asked her to call me and please explain what in the hell is going on. I asked if this was a break up? What did I do? Man this is out of the blue.

Big News

2004-05-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't written in a while. And so my big news, or should I say Terr's big news. We should take some time and not see each other for a while. WTF??! We have been fighting a little lately. But what in the world is going on?
She needs some time to sort things out. I know I am not the most courageous person but she told me over the phone. . . AT WORK!!!
WTF??!!!?!? She said that I was supposed not to call her for a while. That we needed a break. A break from what? Is she breaking up with me? Fuck this. I am going to call her.

Coldness

2004-03-29T16:46:00.000-08:00

Terr went a little cold after the faux pregnancy thing. I guess that is understandable. She seems to be warming up to me again. I really love her and can't imagine life without her. I am trying to be nice to her. Maybe I should be mean? Some guys profess that is the way to treat a woman. Not my style. I have always tried to be honest and nice. If I get shit on then at least I was true in my heart. Right?
Maybe I am a sucker. I miss her right now. I haven't seen much of her lately because we both have been working. A couple of my projects are due and I have been working late. I will try to call her tomorrow and see if she wants to go to dinner. I miss her smile and I am up to the challenge of making her do that.
Maybe I will send a quick email telling her that I am thinking about her. She can discover it tomorrow at work.

No Go

2004-03-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

Well she isn't pregnant. Man that was a hard two days. I felt numb for most of it.
She called and told me the news. I guess we are both a little relieved. She sounded relieved at least from the tone of her voice.
I am not sure where we go from here.

Beat Down

2004-03-06T01:33:00.000-08:00

I am exhausted. Physically and Emotionally! It's early Sat morning and I just got back from Terr's apartment. I had to sit down and write something; hopefully it will help calm me down. I was extremely busy today with a bunch of BS stuff and Terr wrote me an email saying to come over. Long story short, she is late with her monthly visitor as she puts it. I don't know what to think or what to say. I was totally taken aback. My first response was "Are you sure" and the second was not very good but "Is it mine?"
She didn't like either but was mad for the second. My girlfriend might be pregnant. We never discussed kids. Until now. We were at the point of discussing marriage … I think.
I am so just shocked right now. I am so wired that I can't sleep. What if she is pregnant? I guess we would have to get married. I want to marry her anyway, but kids are big-time.
I am kind of speechless right now.