Here’s a list of why your Kwik Stop may be better than going on some long expensive vacation:

1. You’ll get to see at least one foreigner and he’s usually behind the counter. Some just want you to “hurry up and buy” (90’s kids know what movie that’s from) but others actually have interesting stories. I once talked to an Iraqi who told me how Saddam would have acres of deer and other animals being fed only acorns and high quality feed especially for his meals.

2. Exotic foods abound; I’ve found Kwik Stop’s that serve pigs feet in vinegar, pig ear, pig…? Make it into a game and have your kids find the grossest thing. Another game we like to play is called antiques: Find the oldest expired item in the store – loser has to eat it!

3. You can relax with a wide selection of cigarettes and beer, also some of the finest wines such as Cisco, Night Train, and Boones Farm (I hear the farm is organic now). Mommy and that some-time daddy can get a 100% recycled bag and relax behind the store with a drink. It’s a great place to meet locals.

4. Gambling: Many convenience stores have lotto or scratch offs. If you find one that has a digital slot machine you may be able to work something out with the owner and get paid real money for hitting 777. This is illegal so you may have to come in a few times so the owner knows who you are. It helps if you come in barefoot and reeking of alcohol this way he knows for sure you’re not a cop.

5. Entertainment: Many Kwik Stops offer a wide variety of adult films behind the black curtain in the side room. If that’s not your thing, many have a cctv security monitor you can watch. Also, there are plenty of local free newspapers you can read, it give you a great feel for the rich local culture.

6. Finally, like in most tourist destinations you will be ripped off with outrages prices. But it’s OK, this is your vacation you deserve that $3 coke and the $15 six pack of beer. Look at it as contributing to the local economy.

Going to a Kwik stop is also a very secure thing, for example if you get mugged which you probably will there are always western union machines in the store where family members can send you money. The best part of the day to plan your trip is from 10am-2pm, this way you can avoid the line of tourists going to and from work.

Anyway, that’s all for now! Bon voyage!

I present to you, Tangerine 3. The final chapter in a trilogy that has spanned decades.

Enjoy!

I don’t own nor do I care to own the rights to this image. I found it as a top result when I searched for douchebag.

With his ‘com-pa-drays” having witnessed the smooth move, they start whistling and cat calling, egging him on. As he strolls into his group of friends, one of who has already slept with his girlfriend, and the other who made a successful pass at Chad’s mom at a summer party last year, Chad bro-fists his bros in a sign of triumph.

You see, Chad and his friends are what people refer to as Douchebags. Individuals like Chad are clearly douchebags, but we asked ourselves, what about the ones that are not wearing white framed sunglasses and have fake tans, how can we spot them?

We have provided the following checklist as a way to help identify douchebags, of course, this is not an exhaustive list, so by all means, please post other suggestions in the comment section.

1. Has truck nuts on their vehicle -extra points if they have a “no fear” decal too
2. Wears anything from Ed Hardy or Affliction
3. Wears popped collars
4. Has a barbed wire tattoo
5. If they wear their hat sideways
6. Sports a fedora and is under the age of 60
7. Wearing rosary beads-especially if it hangs outside
8. Has a tattoo that says ‘no surrender” or some other nonsensical saying



9. Sports a chin strap beard or any other “design” with facial hair
10. People who always try to “one-up” you when talking to them. Example, “hey man, I had the worst cold last week, I felt like shit” Douchebag friend says ” OH YEAH, WELL I HAD THE EBOLA VIRUS BUT I JUST DRANK VODKA AND IT WENT AWAY”
11. If they have “dropped” their car, meaning, they have cut the coil springs or removed leaf springs.

Honestly, the list is too long for a page post and I haven’t updated this blog in almost four years so this is as much as you’re going to get.

Please help douchebags come to a moment of self-realization by sharing this post on your favorite social media.

You see, each year we are supposed to be amazed and wowed at all the corporate mascots floating over New York City, as if they were angels watching over us. But this year is different, this year the good guys won. This year hope will once again rise over New York City and thru the television sets of millions across the world.

In large part due to public demand, we have been accepted to tow a floaty that is 50 times the size of the real life Champ Nutella.

I can say with absolute certainty, that kids the world over will look to the sky over New York City and see the greatest superhero since Alexander the Great made his debut in 356 BC.

He’s not some drab mouse that stands for oppression and sweat shop produced products. A corporate shill if there ever was one. No sir, this year we celebrate justice, heroism, and over-sized gun belts.

As you get ready to pray and give thanks by consuming sinful amounts of calories only to wake up in the wee hours of the night and go to your favorite retail store where you proceed to trample someone in order to save $15 on an electronic product that will sit on your shelf collecting dust in a matter weeks, take a moment and thank Champ this year for keeping the real meaning of Thanksgiving alive.

Are you like these two idiots and sit on the same side of the booth?

Let me go through the list of things I and others have found annoying about these people:

1. A waitress wrote: “In general, they were annoying to wait on. They were the type of people who would kiss one another while you stood there trying to take their order“
2. The man in the relationship is clearly very insecure so he sits next to his girl so he can see if anyone is looking her way. Like if he was really going to stand up and ask the peeping tom, “what are you looking at bro?”
3. On the flip side, the woman wants to tell the world “I stand by my man, so much so that I have to sit by him so I can put my around his bicep or down his pants…”

Why should I care where people sit?

I don’t, but what if you are a restaurant owner or waiter? People that sit next to each other take longer because they are there not to eat, but rather to show the world how much they love each other. If you don’t believe me, read the comments on this so-called mother nature site.

So what do I propose we do about these people? Well, Casey Thea proposes there be some sort of punishment. I completely agree. In fact, everyone should follow her on twitter and listen to everything she says because clearly she is a very intelligent person.

I propose, that each restaurant or establishment where people sit down to eat, hire two full time actors. One woman and one man. Next, each will wait until a “same-sider” couple walks in and sits down. Once this smarmy couple starts with the usual BS, one of the actors will come over pretending to be a patron and pretending to be one of the person in the couple’s ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. They could even pretend to be a drunken one night stand. Discretion will be left up to the actor.

For example, it would go something like this: Mike (actor), Susan (girlfriend), Jim (boyfriend).

Jim and Susan walk in hand in hand, they specifically ask for a booth where of course they proceed to sit next to each other. After they have kissed a few times and have shown the world what a perfect couple they are, Mike, our actor will pretend to be going back to his table after a quick trip to the men’s room. By now, he knows that the girlfriend’s name is Susan because the waiter asked them for their names when they arrived and were greeted and he has told Mike. At this point, Mike should also inquire about what she is drinking, this information will come in handy when he talks to Susan. Here’s how the conversation should go:

Mike (actor): “Hi Susan, oh my gosh it’s been so long!”
Susan: “Uhmm, hi, do I know you?”
Mike (actor): “Has it been that long or have you just been drinking too much tequila (or whatever she’s drinking) again?”
At this point, Jim the boyfriend, should start feeling uncomfortable

Susan: “I’m…not…sure what you’re talking about?” (smiles awkwardly)
Mike (actor): (being playful) We dated for 2 months silly girl!, remember I caught you on the rebound after you broke up with Fred…you were at O’malley’s drinking with your girlfriends and you kept trying to dance on all the tables?”

This could go on and on, however, the actor shouldn’t push too hard. Really all we want to do is plant the seed that will eventually lead to the deterioration of their relationship. But why would we want to break them up? Well, considering the fact that they are partially responsible by way of staying too long in restaurants for the crumbling economy in recent years, it’s our patriotic duty.

How to spot same siders outside of restaurants

It’s easy to spot these annoying people inside restaurants,however, how could you tell them apart from others in everyday life? Here are some traits I’ve narrowed down through rigorous observation:

• honor roll bumper stickers on their cars
• family member stickers on their cars as well
• constant FB status updates that purport a perfect life
• the women in theses relationships are constantly cold….often times you will find them cuddling in a grocers line as if they are in the midst of a blizzard
• when walking side by side with their significant other you will find their hands halfway down the waistline of their male counterparts pants like most sociopaths this gives the illusion that they are capable of feeling love when in reality they are attempting to stay warm because of their cold, self serving heart.
• same sider females are often incapable of loving their own children, other than tax time they are not a source of income
• they often buy baby bjorns to carry their offspring this gives them the ability to lug their child around while still being able to drink their Starbucks and shop without having to make any meaningful contact with their child.
• men often have issues dating back to having their lunch money stolen in elementary, middle, and high school. This becomes apparent especially if they are carrying man bags.

So there you have it, same siders are about presenting an image to the outside world to disguise their hollow, shameful, materialistic existence. Hands down these people are the absolute scum of the earth.

Recently I was with my wife in a local outdoor mall-type place in South Florida that shall not be named-ok, you got me it was Cocowalk. Anyway, we’re sitting down casually enjoying ourselves as we mock and criticize people that walk by us. When up walks this guy with some snake hanging from his neck.

Of course, you know what happens next, some idiots stop him to ask if it is real, can they touch it, and can they take a picture with him, the snake, or both…JACKPOT! So of course a lot of these guys do this because it makes them money, but beyond that I want to explore some more deep rooted issues on why people walk around with snakes hung around the necks.

I’m starved for attention

This person was so ignored throughout middle and high school that they took to talking to animals as a way of socializing. I would dare say some may have even had their first be a non-human if you know what I mean.

So by attaching a reptile to their necks, in essence they are accomplishing two things:

1. Attract attention they never had
2. Subconsciously thinks they are walking around with their girlfriend

The challenged manhood syndrome

I’m sure if Freud were around, he would call these people out for having penis envy. Simply put they are micro-phallic and have a underlying need to compensate and they do so by wearing a snake.

Lack of Fashion Sense

For some reason a lot of these guys wear tank tops, facial hair, and have piercings. They have no sense of fashion so by attaching a snake they think they look cool, tough, sexy or all three-sadly none of these things are accomplished.

The struggling Artist

No talent, so I’ll just wear a snake.

Pentecostal Snake Handler

I could be completely wrong (doubtful) about the assertions I’ve made above. Maybe people with snakes on them are simply pentecostal snake handlers who charm people into giving them money after putting on a little show. It’s like alligator wrestling with a bible. Maybe they read our guide on how to start your own religion
and are following our marketing plan for churches.

Hope this article helps dispel the myths and mystery surrounding snake dorks. Till next time

So in order to find him, I’ve chosen a criteria that is based on a loosely thought out plan.

I will look for men in there 50’s who have my great hair and a mustache. Also, they have to be people that are famous or well known since I’m an internet celebrity it makes sense that my father would be a recognizable face.

The first person who comes to mind as my possible father is Carlos Santana. He is a talented musician with traits that resemble Birdman.

The second contender who I think is also a viable candidate for my fathership is another musician. This one is Willie Colon, although, he may be the weakest candidate yet, since he is not wearing any sunglasses, I doubt he’s my dad. But it would explain why Birdman is fluent in Puerto Rican.

Third is Frank Zappa, he has the hair, the glasses, and the mustache. However, that little fuzz under his bottom lip is not characteristic of Birdman.

Yet again we are forced to consider a musician, this one being one of the most overrated rock stars of alltime, Gene Simmons. I hope to God that Gene Simmons is not my father, because he is quite possibly one of the worst musicians to have ever rocketed to stardom. Besides, his sporadic mustache is very weak. However, his arrogance is similar to Birdman’s self confidence..so there is a small chance he may be dad.

Finally we come to the person who I think may be my real father, Moammar Gadhafi. I know I know, he’s supposedly a bad guy, but really, would a real bad guy wear all the cool outfits that Gadhafi sports?

Other reasons why Gadhafi may be my father:

• He’s a renowned world leader
• He only has women as bodyguards
• He’s humble, he never wanted to rank higher than a Colonel
• He brings a giant Bedouin tent during diplomatic visits for meetings
• Even shipped a camel as well, to provide ambiance

So there you have it, the high likelihood that Gadhafi is my father. As much as I want to bond with him, I think I’m going to stay in the states for now, Tripoli is going through some growing pains and I don’t want to ruin it for dad.

Today my intent isn’t to reminisce about my previous works but to expand on it’s theme. To pull away another inch of the shroud to reveal more of the canvas i have painted. The theme is Sympathy and it’s beauty is for all of us to ogle and embrace.

Everyday in our country thousands of people flock to surrounding neighborhood restaurants. Eager to have our palets entertained while celebrating those moments we often forget only weeks later (mom’s birthday, that big promotion, neighbor’s noisy dog that died, birth of a child). What is it that makes these dining experiences so forgettable? Why does it seem as if we are just going through the motions or keeping an annual appointment with boredom? The truth is we are having to “share” these moments with friends and family. Regardless of relation or blood they are all too self absorbed to care about your day, your thoughts, or your feelings. The celebration should be about YOU. The only way to accomplish this is to shed the very weights that are holding you down. I’m not proposing for you to leave your families forever, you need them for tax purposes. What i do propose is an evening at your favorite sit down restaurant by YOURSELF.

“People will think I’m a loser”. “Everyone is gonna stare at me.” “It’s socially unacceptable to eat by yourself in public.” “Strangers will wonder what is wrong with me”. These are the thoughts going through your mind right now. To these thoughts i say they are all true and all of your worst fears will come to fruition. But if you play your hand properly you can turn these catastrophic events into an evening filled with pity, empathy, and my most favorite word of all …sympathy. Because when you are on the receiving end of sympathy there is nothing to share…it’s a gift only one person can open. Sympathy is not a hand grenade. Sympathy is a single bullet fired from a marksman concealed in a tree, intended for a single recipient. So let’s make this night I’m preparing one to remember. Let’s make this night about the person who matters the most…..you.

Shall we get to the moment at hand? The following is a not a step by step tutorial leading to a single climatic event like my previous article. Instead this will be a series of events all of which rely on each other for the overall success of this operation. Should any of these steps fail the entire night could blow up in your face and leave you walking out of the restaurant a laughing stock.

First off let’s talk about wardrobe. As with any character actor we must look the part. Take Mario Van Peebles in the movie “Solo”. In this movie he played a futuristic cyborg who smokes cigars. The attention to detail for his role was crucial. Without the cigar the believability of his character comes into question. But with the cigar in hand we become immersed into a world so real we begin to question our own. A good example of what not to do when preparing for a role is to take a look at Brendan Fraser in any one of his movies. The character we will be creating is lonely…looking for acceptance in a world he doesn’t quite understand. He has trusted others in the past but has been hurt one too many times. Although he has created some walls, he still desires to be around others. His only pleasures come from being a witness to the joy of those around him. I’m starting to cry already. What does this person look like? Well, he doesn’t wear named brands….instead he wears off brands. Polo shirts but instead of an alligator on the chest he has a unicorn. No bright colors but nothing that blends either….i like a mustard yellow that way we can see the unicorn more easily and it stands out without screaming confidence. Keep the pants simple…khakis will do the trick. To complete the look let’s go with a pair of generic gray sneakers and dark blue socks. This will serve as our fashion faupaux without insinuating we are of a lower income level. We do not want the pity to be because of our financial stature. We want it to be because of our loneliness. Make sure that everything is neatly pressed before leaving the house. No hats and no sunglasses. You do not want to obstruct the view of your lonely face. If you are self conscious about a receding hairline or some awful scar, this is not the time. These will add to the amount of sympathy you will receive while dining tonight. Make them work for you.

In the real estate game you often hear the phrase “location, location, location”. This also holds true for what we are creating. Like every story the setting is enormously important. Take Star Wars for example….if it had happened somewhere else it would have lost everything that made it so fantastical. No one would have gone to see a movie called “Iowa Wars”. We need scenery that allows our character to be noticed but not so empty that we spoil the plot….obtaining sympathy. Let’s look for a place that has a bit of a wait. This will serve us in two ways. Character development as well as notoriety. I like to go to a certain steak house that allows me to give my name and party size. They have a waiting room very close to the front doors. This allows me to open doors for new visitors of the establishment as well as for people who have finished and our leaving for their cars. We have now established our character as a good guy in front of our fellow diners who will be seated around the same time as yourself. And trust me they will take notice. This is called the set up. Like any set up you don’t want to reveal your hand too soon. You don’t want to be the creepy guy sitting by himself waiting to be called for your table. This will let everyone know too soon that you are by yourself and put you into a category of a pedophile. The three lowest things in the world are pedophiles, people who eat by themselves, and rapists. We however are creating something new. We are turning something that is typically sneered at into something quite sad. So open doors, smile but not too big, keep your eyes big and innocent, and most importantly do not speak. Nod if you have to…but the only words spoken tonight will be to your waiter or waitress and that is only to order your meal. This will add mystery to our character and allow the imaginations of our victims to run wild. Now the hostess’s voice will come over the loud speaker. She will say your name and the most important part….”party of 1″. Careful not to make eye contact with anyone. You almost have to look embarrassed or ashamed. Now that we have everyone’s attention let’s get to our table.

I personally like to avoid booths. They are too out of the way and secluded. Remember we don’t want to be the creepy guy. Besides we want to remain visible to as many people as possible. I like tables in the middle, preferably with four chairs…this will intensify the loneliness we are creating and pay big dividends in the pity department. When the waiter arrives to your table become startled as if you are not use to human contact. Don’t over do it. You don’t want to look frightened. A subtle, startled look will do the trick. Remember we are walking a fine line between “creepy pedophile guy” and “lonely guy who ventured out to see what happy people are like guy”. Once you have ordered your food don’t play with your cell phone. As a matter of fact don’t even bring a cell phone. You don’t want it to ring, It might make you look like you’re important to somebody. Don’t fidget either. Crazy people fidget when they are by themselves and our character is not crazy. Instead we are going to interlock our fingers with our forearms parallel to the table surface and look down. Once the correct posture has been achieved we will begin glancing up and observing our fellow patrons. Keep the eyes big and innocent and use a teddy bear smile. The teddy bear smile was invented out of necessity by Franz Lehmun in 1912. It was discovered that teddy bears with too big of smiles scared little children preventing them from falling asleep.This smile is perfect for our character. When someone notices you looking at them look down and repeat the steps with another family…we don’t want to seem like a stalker so keep your eyes moving around. Now the most important part. When you hear laughter from a table draw your attention to that table and smile. This time we want to go big. If anyone notices you joining in on their fun look down and slowly wipe the smile from you face and be embarrassed. Psychopaths do not get embarrassed so this will establish you as safe thus building the trust. By now you should be feeling it. Sympathy is all around and directed at you. Some people may even be whispering about you “aaahhhh that is so sad, hes all by himself” and “man, i wish we could invite him to sit with us.” “I wonder what happened that he’s so alone….he seems like a nice guy.” Count on it. These are the things that are being said all around you. Even though you won’t hear their words knowing that they are being said is satisfying enough. This night is all about you and these strangers are the ones making it happen…..something your friends and families would have never aloud.

By the time your food comes all of this should be second nature. The only difference is food has been added into the formula. Eat slowly, chew with your mouth closed and keep up what you’ve been doing all along. When it’s time to leave you can simply walk out real slow and enjoy all the sympathetic stares on the way out. But i personally like to take it one step further. Because i want to see tears on my way out. When i get up i like to leave a single red rose at the empty seat opposite me . If you are going to do this the rose has to be concealed up until the very end. Maybe in a back pack or briefcase. Once the rose has been laid down women will have there hands over there mouths in shock while the eyes fill up with sadness. Grown men will even be fighting back the explosion of tears fighting it’s way to the surface. I call this the “Sixth Sense ending”. No one sees it coming. It’s very emotional and depending how deep you’ve gotten into the role you may get a little teary yourself. And that’s ok…just don’t cry and lose all control. Save it for when you get out to the car.

Sympathy is a very intoxicating drug and we are all junkies for it. If i were to compare my brand of obtaining it to your common whiner…my brand is Colombian made and theirs is just street trash variety. I hope this helps all of you who have read this article and feel free to share any experiences that you have had as a result. Yours Truly, Seahorse

Over the years we have seen some great fight scenes, Bruce Lee in enter the dragon, Chuck Norris kicking ass all over the place, and others. However, some are better than others. So what in fact makes a great fight scene? We have a few things we take a look at when determining the best fight scenes. Things such as costumes, weapons, fighting style, plot, and overall violence.

These are not in any particular order, but the first one has a black Asian man who happens to be handicapped…oops I mean handi-capable. So according to the rules of affirmative action, this one gets to go first even though it may not actually be the best one.

# 5 Equal opportunity fight scene

#4 Next up the use of weapons. This one ranks among the best for creative use of a weapon.

#3 If violence and gore is the name of the game. These guys can’t be topped.

#2 If you want a real plot with serious acting, this scene has two thumbs up. The looks on their faces is enough to scare the shit out of anyone.

#1 For overall ability, dress, and creativity this clip is number one-avoid this man at all costs. Observe the close ups of the boots…awesome. The victory dance at the end adds an element of humor to otherwise seriously vicious fight scene.

Well, you may not agree with me that these are the top fight scenes of all times, so if you have a clip you feel should be shown here by all means put a link in the comments section.