Pontificating Blogger

Defined

2012-01-17T15:45:00.000-05:00

Struggling. I have spent years of my life attempting to define who I am, what I want for my life, what I will become, what I will be. Defeatedly, I realize that to define oneself as one thing or another does two things:
1. Squishes all that a person is in every facet, situation, or moment into a proverbial box
2. Once "defined" complacency sets in and allows you to become so comfy that the challenges seem too challenging, the problems seem too problematic, the risks seem too risky

I have also come to realize that I am not ever really who I define myself as, nor the person that other people would choose to define me as - so then, who the heck am I? I think we define ourselves by the standard that we wish we could live up to, but more often than not we fall short. The result, in turn, leaves us feeling like a failure. Who on Earth would be willing to define themselves as a failure? However, with life coaches telling us that we can do, be, aspire to ANYTHING...how could that not breed self-loathing and feelings of failure?

It is a vicious cycle. As a woman, I am particularly at risk for not living up to societal definitions of a woman (one word: cellulite), a mother (I do spank and they have a favorite meal at every fast food chain in town), wife (I do not having a raging libido nor the ability to do cartwheels every time he walks in the door), homemaker (at any given moment I need to dust and there is always a load of laundry to do) or friend (some days all I can seem to manage is texting or social media check-ups). However difficult the process or inadequate you feel as a result, the urge to define yourself is overwhelming because the NEED to know where you fit.

Everyone wants to fit in somewhere and often how you define yourself determines "where" you fit. So, back to how to define yourself. When I ask myself "who" I am the first thing that typically comes to mind is "Mom" then the rest follows, but as I have journeyed on into a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God I have happened upon a concept that makes this whole defining yourself completely unnecessary. It is not some sort of trade secret, nor is it an original thought - but nevertheless, knowing who's I am is the most powerful thing in the world.

I am HIS.

No matter the challenge, problem or risk, I am His. No matter where I do or do not fit in, I am His. I will continue to perceive myself as a woman, Mom, wife, daughter or friend but as I grow, I pray that the first thing that comes to mind in the future is that I am the daughter of the King, the child of the Savior, the masterpiece of His hand. Seeing myself this way, I feel loved. Seeing myself this way, how could I not see the world from a different and better and more beautiful viewpoint?

How do you define yourself?

Blessings to you and yours.

Katie

Determination

2012-01-01T08:51:00.000-05:00

It seems as if each year we all feel tempted to begin doing something "more", start doing something "less" or vow to stop doing one thing or another all together. We begin with a bang and end with a whimper. I have often found myself in the precarious position of lacking the intestinal fortitude to stick with whatever I have promised myself I will do differently and in the lack of willpower, strength, aptitude or commitment; I feel rather like a failure when again I end the year with that extra weight, a potty mouth and a quicker temper than I'd like.

I did some research to find out if I could isolate the masochist that conceptualized the infamous New Year's Resolution and while I could not identify one person, it seems as if the origins begin in people of faith. In Judaism there is Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, where one can reflect upon the wrongdoings of the year and end with offering and receiving forgiveness. In Christianity, there is the season of Lent where people can sacrifice something to hopes to gain insight into all that Christ gave in death for forgiveness of sins. Both religions feature forgiveness as a hallmark of making oneself a better person.

I know that the beginning of a new year seems to give us the opportunity to start anew, with a fresh start and a happier outlook than we had when the previous year ended; however, I find it compelling to look at the seemingly faith based origins of this "resolution" process over indulging myself in flights of fancy about the resolutions that year after year remain elusive.

Forgiveness. What a loaded word. Starting the year with the goal of living everyday forgiven and forgiving, now there is a resolution that sounds worthy of the battle it takes to see a resolution through the 365 days in one calendar year. Forgiveness. Who among us can walk with our heads held high,confident that we do not bear any ill will, unforgiveness or down right disdain for a person or persons in our life? I guarantee, if you responded with "me", you are in short supply. I cannot and will not offer myself as an upright example of forgiveness, for I often harbor ill will, unforgiveness and down right disdain for multiple people, especially while caught in traffic, crowded grocery store aisles and sometimes at the family dinner table. Aghast? Just honest.

Most days I am fairly confident that my sins are forgiven because of my faith, belief and steadfast reliance on my Lord and Savior; however, when days come and strike me down as a disgusting, immoral, mean and selfish sinner...I do have pangs of doubt. I have learned that on those days it is best to rely on the word of God to root out my doubt, in His word I find comfort and reassurance that, YES you are disgusting, immoral, mean and selfish BUT, I LOVE YOU ANYWAY! To love regardless of fault, wrongdoing or indiscretion is something I cannot easily give another person, and yet I take it in without a second thought. There is that selfishness rearing it's ugly head again.

To forgive another person is to set free the guilt, anger, fear, disappointment, resentment or bitterness, some of which we cling to like the winning Powerball lottery ticket. What would it mean to you to forgive that person that broke your heart? Or the parent that neglected, abused or ignored you? Or the friend that walks in and out of your life at whim? Or the spouse that was unfaithful? What would it mean to forgive yourself for being a disgusting, immoral, mean and selfish sinner?

I have a relationship in my life that I struggle with almost daily and the struggle is rooted in my ability to forgive, or not forgive as the case may be. I do not particularly enjoy any part of this relationship and one would think that I would do ANYTHING to resolve it so that I can summarily end this relationship and move on with my life. However, as in everything in life, it just simply is not that easy. To forgive this person would free me from so much anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness but I find it is so damn hard to forgive someone that has yet to seek my forgiveness, yet to apologize, yet to accept responsibility for their actions....man, do I need to get off my high horse, or what!?! I know how self-righteous this sounds and yes, I am aware of my own need to adjust my attitude. I am not proud of feeling this way, but that is why it has been so hard to forgive. I think we all want to know that the person that wronged us understands why we are hurt, disappointed, etc and maybe even show some remorse...before we can forgive. And then there is self-forgiveness; how do you forgive yourself? Self-loathing aside, there are circumstances in everyday life that we wish we handled differently, better, etc. We hurt others, say things we regret, lose our temper, indulge in selfishness, gluttony, lust and greed - how do we forgive ourselves?

Therein lies the true challenge of forgiveness that makes this a worthy resolution in my mind. To forgive without being asked, to forgive without remorse, to forgive the same transgression time and time again to forgive ourselves for falling short on a minute by minute basis...that is to forgive like our God. Forgiveness with out a price, without an apology, without the grudge, without the self-loathing...what a gift to be given and to give. To offer and receive forgiveness, can one occur without the other? Most faiths ascribe to the belief that true forgiveness can only be received once you have yourself forgiven others, so that is the real litmus test in my own forgiveness - can I forgive first?

So, rather than "resolve" to lose weight or stop swearing or start exercising regularly, I figure the best resolution I can make is to forgive first so that I can in turn receive forgiveness. Alexander Pope said, "To err is human, to forgive divine." Wise man. I admit this will not be an action I will ever succeed at on my own, that divine forgiveness is not something I can ever grant, but I can work towards that goal with the Lord's ability to forgive me at least once every second as my guide. I resolve to forgive in 2012.

I pray 2012 gives each and every one of us more blessings than not, more smiles than grimaces, more laugh wrinkles than worry lines, more opportunities to hug, love, forgive and be forgiven. Happy New Year, here's to 2012 being better than the last and another chance to try to get more right.

Stars and Stripes

2011-07-04T15:07:00.001-04:00

A local Boy Scout troop hosted a fundraiser for their group by offering to put a flag up in our yard on all national holidays - so as I gaze out the window watching our flag flap in the breeze, I am so glad that I sent them our money because I love having a flag up at our house.

There is something so meaningful and powerful about our flag - there is meaning and emotion and pride wrapped up in those stars and stripes. I search out the words to explain to the boys what freedom means and what ideology is behind the American flag, but nothing translates more of what the flag "means" than seeing the flag on my Mom's mantle that she received at my Dad's funeral. They look at it and know that the flag means service, heroism and sacrifice.

Chests swollen with pride, they marched out to the front yard and recited the pledge of allegiance in the shadow of the flag. It was a beautiful moment. They don't care about politics, gay marriage, tax hikes or campaigns; in that moment they paid tribute to service, heroism and sacrifice. That is what will stay with me today; my children have respect for the meaning, power, emotion and pride that is in the stars and stripes of the American flag. They might not get the nuiances or understand the ideology to the letter and definition but then again, some politicians clearly do not understand the ideology either.

Freedom is simple, beautiful and profound, adding in controversy and agenda does not take away from the meaning but often I believe it does take away from what we SEE and believe about this country. Watching the boys this morning made my heart soar, the words of God Bless America playing in my mind - it was real and honest and true and made me so proud of the boys that I am raising to be men that love this country.

Have a blessed and glorious holiday enjoying the pleasures of our freedom!

-Katie

Things

2011-05-06T08:08:00.001-04:00

I was outside enjoying a cool spring morning just a moment ago, one of the rare moments we've experienced in Ohio that hasn't been tainted by rain. I was thinking about a man I know (under 35) that left his job at the height of his career to wander around Europe, looking for his joy. As I grumbled about picking up dog poo in our residential and side-walked neighborhood, I had a moment of envy at the ability to walk away from the ties that bind.

Truth is, most of us CANNOT walk away to find our "joy" because we have become to attached and engulfed and tied by the THINGS in life that consume so much of our joy. The things that we feel we need, deserve or want are what ties us to the life that we currently lead. There are some serious spiritual implications here as well - what does it mean in your faith if the things of the world are what you chose to define you?

I have a blackberry, espresso roasted coffee in my coffee maker, a plush (and brand new) sofa that seats us plus another 8, a top of the line mattress, two cars in the garage and organic vegetables in the fridge. Four laptops, a Wii, netflix and a blue-ray players, a cell phone plan, a cable bill, an Internet bill, a mortgage, two car payments and credit card debt - all attaching me more and more to the THINGS of this world.

What would it mean to walk away from the things that keep us tied down? Does being tied down make us more stable or more dependent? What am I teaching my children about the world by supplying to their every need?

I could walk away, sell of my things and more than likely, survive. LOL. But, how would I be regarded if I were to become a wanderer in search of a more simple life, in search of joy that comes from personal relationships and family, not my things --- what would you think of me? Would you think I was crazy or would part of you wish you could do the same?

This is not me announcing that I am going to become a wandering gypsy, LOL. I will, however, begin challenging myself to let go of some of the things that serve little real purpose in life. Challenge the people I know and love to embrace some of the more simple things in life that do not require contracts or cell reception or credit cards. Two of the happiest people I know live their day to day life with just the basic luxuries, take time to sit at the park to watch the new goslings being escorted around the park and have never had pizza delivered; they are happy without all the ties that bind and I will aspire to be more like them as I grow up.

Have a great day full of blessings.

Et al

2011-04-18T16:23:00.000-04:00

Learned something new today.

How many times have you heard the Crucifixion story?

Jesus is on the cross, he says "it is finished," he takes his last breath and he dies.

Tetelasti. That's the Greek word. It means 'it is done" but in terms of the culture in 1st/2nd century Greece this word would have indicated that a debt was "paid in full." While it translates to "it is done" or "it is finished" the word was used to confirm a debt had been paid. Insert profound pause here. Our Savior, brutally broken, punished, beaten and nailed to the cross said "tetelasti" - you debt has been paid in full.

Also, following the Greek lesson, I learned a new word: kairos. It means the "right or opportune moment" and when a pastor expounded on that word and it's translation he went on to say it meant "a moment that changed the world" Jesus's crucifixion and our bill being "paid in full" - what a kairos moment.

I cannot help but think of my Dad at Easter, it was his favorite time of year. Spring flowers blooming, grapes budding on the vines and the glory of Easter all combined into a glorious celebration in his heart. The joy of the season comes with still so much "missing" - but the comfort that "paid in full" brings, even my mending heart, is an opportune moment, is a kairos moment to experience all that the story of Jesus can bring.

It strikes me that the same tug between grief and joy is an essential part of the Easter story. You cannot experience the joy without the sorrow. How poetic that I would be emotionally toiling over this during the very season in the church that exemplifies the journey of death into life and life into death.

I pray that you experience all that Easter has in store, whatever it may be for you. Prayers lifted for those that cannot experience all of the joy that is there for the taking because of illness, tragedy, grief, depression, addiction, sadness or loneliness. I am not much on issuing a challenge but if I could, on a personal level, ask you all to say a prayer yourself for someone you know needs it this Easter.

Redemption, salvation, mercy, grace and peace are all tied to the foot of that cross. Share with someone that their debt is paid in full.

Remiss

2011-03-28T14:46:00.000-04:00

I have yet to log a blog in 2011 - not that I have some sort of cult following or group that follows my every word, but I feel rather remiss that I have yet to do so...until today.

I must admit that the tail end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 were rather tumultuous in various ways, in my topsy-turvy crazy world I just could not find the time, effort, motivation or desire to sit down and pontificate on the seemingly meaningless drivel I normally come up with. I was overwhelmed with the life changes that lay ahead, stricken down with grief at the loss of my father and then with the gentleness of a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, I found myself facing a relocation to yet another locale where I would be forced to start over for the second time in less than 2 years.

Whirlwind sounds nice, it was more like a tornado. Just as I was beginning to emerge out being entombed in grief I was heading at break-neck speed to another big change in the life of our family...it seemed all too fast, it still does. I feel bruised and battered and I am sure the bags under my eyes do indicate that I have not escaped this journey unscathed. The myriad of comments that would leave me to believe this include, "gee you look really tired" after I've gotten what I considered a good night's sleep or "having a tough day?" when I finally feel like maybe today is the day I won't cry over missing my Dad. Most people mean well, so it is best to chalk it all up to just looking like hell and leaving it at that.

I have complete anonymity here and that is a comfort - there is no chance of running into someone I know at the store, so if I go out looking like I need a nap and a shower and a hot meal - so be it. I am struggling with finding the motivation to plant roots here in Ohio, but then again, it is too damn cold here to starting digging to plant those roots anyway...LOL.

The year ahead has so many blessings and opportunities in store and with it comes the challenges as well - but I know this year will allow me the chances to grow in different ways (joined the YMCA, so there better not be any literal growth of me, LOL) and I am prayerful that with time I will feel like I am home here. My Dad would tell me to suck it up - so, here's to trying that out!

I do not have any words of inspiration to add to this entry, just more drivel, right?

I am making myself a promise to get back to blogging - the catharsis of the blog feels akin to the purge of crap we made before we moved here - sometimes it feels better to lighten the load.

Here's to your load being lightened. :)

I think I'd rather eat pumpkin pie than humble pie...

2010-12-02T10:37:00.000-05:00

No high points of logic looming in the near future with a medicine-head brain, however, I felt the need to post something. My lapse in blogging has been part ambivalence, the other parts are a combined effort of every other excuse I can come up with to connote just how messy the last 4 weeks have been.

I found out yesterday that my Dad is now receiving hospice care so that we can brace everyone for the impending and inevitable demise of my dear old Dad. Emotions that run the gamut on this one, from paralyzing fear to grief to joy of the life he has lead; ultimately, I have settled on bittersweet. A life could not have been more lived than his own and to see him deteriorate as he has is not something I would wish on my most despised enemy. To those that prescribe to the notion that there is dignity in death, I have to argue against you on all fronts. There is dignity in LIFE. Death comes to us all and in most cases the process to that glorious end ends up robbing us of all that we were in life. The eulogy I would want for my Dad will not be a recap of his death but of his life, because that is where the dignity remains. All this being said, there can be PEACE in death. He has been endowed with an enviable unceasing faithfulness and belief that God is always in charge, this alone is the truest comfort that a child losing a parent can have. I have peace because he has peace IN God's plans for him.

I remain mostly resolute (there's that wishy-washy attitude, LOL) that all God's plans are to bring HIM good and in the moments where that resolute slides into doubtful, there is always something that brings me back to my balance I should have in life. Usually one of my beautiful and amazing children is the person to bring me back to a humbled groundedness; this morning would be the perfect example: while driving to school on a cold morning, the sun starts to peek through the clouds and Aden says, "See that Jay, that is the sun. That is Jesus, the son. He's coming through the clouds to show us he is there." Humbled, down to my knees humbled. Just when I start to think that I've got this all under control, I learn, yet again, that HE is in charge...of me, my Dad, my wonderful kids. If he gets "it", surely I can too. Here's hoping.

I have some amazing men in my life, don't I?

Blessings!

Open

2010-11-04T10:17:00.000-04:00

I have had the distinct opportunity to have several moments of humility, wonder and amazement in the past two days and in sharing them, I hope you receive the blessings as well.

I have been looking for part-time work here and there to supplement our income enough to cover the school tuition for our boys to attend school and I was found via a website by a woman that wanted a tutor, yesterday was our first session. Humbled moment. There I was with graduate education and my silver spoon fed upbringing and she taught me something profound in our first session. Her story laid out a life full of dysfunction (to quote her), multiple moves from school to school while her parents drinking ran rampant and the eventual decision that she would just "drop out" and walk away...in the ninth grade. Fast forward to over thirty years later and at the age of 50, she decided to go back to school and earn her high school diploma.

I meet her because she is in her first semester in college (at 52) and she is struggling to write her very first college English composition assignment. She brings with her the first draft of this assignment that the college sent back with remarks (of course, all remarks are in red) and she is looking forlorn and says "maybe I shouldn't be doing this college thing..." As she continues to talk and I read through her first assignment I become very conscious of just how damn lucky I am to live the life I do. Please don't misunderstand, I don't feel pity for her, in fact I am awed by her courage and strength - it is just that there are times when I forget what a privileged life I have led. As a child it never would have occurred to me to be grateful that my parents made me go to school, do my homework and graduate from high school. There was no choice, it was a given. Meeting a woman who's life has been so vastly different from my own and see how determined she is to achieve something I completely took for granted is beyond humbling. She tells me that she hasn't told anyone she is going to college because she's embarrassed and doesn't think her family would support this venture, again I find myself humbled. Embarrassed? She's demure about asking questions because she doesn't want other people to think she's "stupid" and she tells me that she never really learned the basics of writing because she was never at one school long enough to learn anything. She writes in a style and tone and grammar that is common to her, using vernacular and abbreviations that do not translate well into the formality of an English composition and she has confused looks when we talk about outlines and a thesis statement. By the end of the hour we've used up pages of paper getting her ideas out and the first paragraph of her paper is written. She looks proud and gets her checkbook out to pay me for our session. This is why I don't ever make money on side jobs - how could I let her pay when I have learned so much from her? Lesson for me for the day: a good dose of humility does you good!

Wonder. I spend everyday with my boys and there are days, as any stay at home Mom knows, where I am spent by 3 pm. It is very easy to get caught up in the errands, housework, meals, homework, soccer and such and completely forget to take just a moment to ENJOY the time I have at home with them. Over the course of the last four months we have been having our share of challenges with our oldest son, whether it be telling lies or temper tantrums, it has been a daily battle of wills and test of patience. So, this coupled with the day to day goings on and the fact that "Dad" has been gone for six weeks - I have been frazzled even more than usual and even less likely to sit down and ENJOY a moment. This morning Aden woke around 5:30 and climbed in bed to snuggle with me and it was a welcome surprise because he has started that process of shunning the "baby things" and becoming "big". I got up around 6 and he followed me into the kitchen to make the coffee and said, "Mom, when I get big, I am going to miss you."

I look at him and wonder what he's thinking that provoked this thought and I think of what we've been through for the past four months and I have the opportunity to take my 65 pound baby into my arms and hug him as tight as I could, and I do. He lays his head on my shoulder and I am astounded at the love in his heart and the love that I feel for him as my child. The boundless capacity of our hearts to love is still a wonderment. The unconditional love that exists in my heart for these two little boys continues to be a wonderment. On that same token, the love my parents and my God feel for me...a wonderment, particularly with how rotten, rude, mean, impatient, unkind and horrible I can be. Real wonder at why and how God created a heart to love like that and yet we still have such hatred in the world? That's a wonder.

Amazement. I was listening to the radio, as always do, on the way back from school drop off and the "radio personalities" were talking with a listener about their "WOW God" moment. This man called into the radio station to share and witness, and to paraphrase, here's his story:
I was having a tough time, a really tough time and I had lost my way. I was not going to church, I was blaming God for all that had gone wrong in my life and I had gotten to end and decided that it just wasn't worth it anymore. I got my gun, loaded it and walked down to the riverside in town and knew that this was the end. I was sitting there with the gun in my hand and asking God why he had abandoned me. It was in that moment that I heard something behind me and I looked up and I saw a man coming down over the rocks, walking straight toward me. I recognized him, it was a man I had known for a long time. He came up to me and said, "Son - I was taking a nap at home and God woke me up and told me to get down to the river immediately! And now I know why." He took me home to his house, ministered to me for three days and it was then that I found my way back to God. He saved my life in that moment - God used him to save my life. Had he come a few minutes later it would have been too late. God used him to save me.

The story concluded and the next song played, here's the lyrics:

Teach me to number my days

And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late

It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink

Amazed. Truly amazed at what God can do to save us, save me, reach me, teach me.

Have a blessed day!

Bare

2010-10-13T11:31:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like you don't measure up? Lately I feel like I'm drowning in things that I just don't seem to get done and it leaves me feeling rather much like a mess. I forget the details, get lost in a task and am so easily distracted that I don't remember where my car is in the parking lot. The laundry piles up, the floor needs to be mopped and the kids won't stop fighting long enough for us to even share a meal. The insomnia is making me befuddled all day long and yet there is always another task to do, meeting to attend, chore to complete, dinner to make, boo-boo to kiss, bedtime story to read...

Weary. Very weary.

My Dad is dying. My husband is training for a new job and has 4 more weeks until he comes home. New job means distinct possibility of relocation. Moving again? Moving boxes, packing up, purging before we pack, leaving our life here behind, having to start over. My son is grieving for a loss and another one is coming. My baby (okay, he's 3, but yes, he's my baby) is struggling to catch up for 2 years worth of speech development to the tune of $432.00 a week. We're paying two mortgages, doctor bills, car payment, tuition while committing to our tithe and still needing to eat.

Weary. Very weary.

To lay it all out there like this is akin to that dream where you're giving a speech in front of a room full of people and you suddenly realize that you're naked. Bare. But, maybe one person will read this and know they are not alone, that there is another person out there that can relate.

Now, stop and think about what it must be for God to see his children (millions of us) struggling along in life. How is heart must break to see us distance ourselves, proclaiming independence when all he wants from us is to crawl up in his arms and GIVE IN. As hard as it is to get through this for me, there are people out there who have tragedy, sickness, death, sadness, depression...my only hope I can consistently cling to is that God is there. Even when I don't feel it, he is there. God can't come down and hand me money to pay my bills or fold my laundry but he did give me skills that are more than sufficient to take care of myself. I am mired in a pit, consumed by the tasks at hand, over committed and overwhelmed because of the choices that I made. But, he is still there. That still small voice urging me on and asking me to believe that he does really love me.

Weary. Very weary. But, there is a light that cannot be darkened, a love that can not be taken away, a life to live that walks with Him right beside me. I will get there.

2010-10-08T14:27:00.000-04:00

My heart was breaking listening to the story on the radio - 45% of people surveyed by researchers out of Baylor University are said to describe God as "distant" or "critical", had I been reading this in person rather than listening to the radio there would have been tears wetting the newsprint pages. While my father lays dying of a disease that we cannot cure there are people out in this world that would have you believe that God "did it" to him...I pray for the souls of those that see God in this light. It pains me so to see my children growing up in a "god-less" world. Whomever you pray to - whether it be a Christian, Islamic, Judaic or Hindu deity is not the point in this matter, the point is - why on Earth would you embrace a God that is critical or distant? I am puzzled at the type of person that would have ties to a deity that was helmed by a critical or distant being?

Christ is in all that I do. He (thankfully and mercifully) is not critical or distant in any moment....do I distance myself or place critical judgements on my actions, behaviors and thoughts? Of course I do, but it certainly isn't my God and Savior that is placing those barriers to salvation and redemption in my path. I do that because I do lose sight of how mighty, powerful and amazing my God can be if I am courageous enough to trust in Him alone.

Would you trust or love or fall humbled upon the feet of a distant or critical God? Yes, we are judged. But the forgiveness is mightier than any of our faults. He has already died for me on that cross over 2000 years ago. My sin has been paid.

I am praying for our country to feel the LOVE and GRACE of God. We need to be sharing our message and showing the love of our God in who we are, in what we say and in what we do. I am raising my children in a home that teaches them to honor and praise God in all that they do...perhaps we have come into a time in our culture where faith and steadfast commitment to a value or belief are counter cultural - however, that won't change how I will teach my children to respond to God, to their family, to each other, to friends, to strangers...

This makes me weary...

The Quran among other things

2010-09-07T21:10:00.000-04:00

I would like to sit down with the "Pastor" of this church in Gainesville and look him in the eyes as he tells me that burning a Holy book on the anniversary date of Sept. 11, a day where we fell prey to the hate of fanatical and suicidal madmen operating under the guise of "religion", is not a message of hate.

The story goes on to outline the propaganda on their website, claiming that Christians should return to the truth and stop hiding. I would ask him what truth he is confronting with this message that is "not a message of hate." It certainly isn't "love your neighbor as yourself" or "forgive 70 times 7" or "turn the other cheek" and most assuredly it is NOT "love your enemies." I am not in hiding. I speak the truth of my own God and my own Savior and that is the truth.

Interpreting scripture or verse of any Holy book to fit into your own agenda or to propagate your own causes in any faith is a perversion of that faith - their credo, their ideology, their theology, who they are and what they stand for is all in jeopardy when a person espouses their beliefs to be "truth" while neglecting the real truth of their particular Holy book.

So, in essence, I think that this incendiary and controversial action on behalf of this so-called church has it's very roots in the same ignorant-minded fanatical and perverse notion of "faith" that brought about that fateful day in our nation's history.

Why is it that the loudest and most vitriolic voices get heard when it comes to faith?! Every faith base has in their tenets the concept of peace. Tenets of Islam, read them Pastor Jones - outline a faith that is much like my own...and according to this man, his as well. However, I believe he got lost somewhere in HIS quest to make a statement. Very lost. Very, very, very lost.

So, to Pastor Jones of Gainesville, Florida - like the parable of the Shepherd and his Sheep, Jesus will come looking for you as you have strayed - strayed far...he is forgiving. However, the people that you "know" you will offend with these actions may not - and it will be your own doing, for you have taught "them" all a lesson in "Christian" truth that was not HIS truth but YOURS.

Pastor Jones, you fail.

Thank God he loves you anyway. Can't say I have the capacity to do the same...that's why He is God and I am not.

Don't give it a second thought

2010-08-19T15:26:00.000-04:00

The only thing you'll ever be able to completely depend upon is the love of God and his mercy that endures always. I learn over and over and over that my trust in people, things, places, etc is misguided in the smallest and most mundane of cirumstances as well as the most dire...

If you have a thought in your heart about something, dollars to doughnuts it's there because someone bigger and smarter than any of us is putting that doubt in your heart - don't even give it a second thought. Fear is not doubt - doubt is looking dubiously at a situation that requires more than just a glance and listening to that still small voice.

To me, that still small voice is implanted deeply in our souls and does guide us to know, believe, say, do and act upon what is in our best interest. Have you listened to your still small voice today?

Blessings.

1st day of school

2010-08-11T17:57:00.000-04:00

I walked the boys into school today and walked out alone...without children for the first time in over 6 years. I could hardly believe how helplessly sentimental I felt in that moment. I grocery shopped at Walmart and bought myself a mag to read but instead of relaxing and reveling in the silence I felt captive to that silence. I sat there wishing for laughter coming from the playroom or a drive by snuggle from a very busy boy. But, none came. I suddenly felt the need to find something to do with myself - keep myself busy while the boys were at school. More volunteer work is my initial idea.

Do you volunteer? Where and why? I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) that works with children that are in the child welfare system and advocates for them in the court system. It is work that gives me so much back in return. Returns in spades. Helping a child is so powerful and fulfills me in ways I have yet to be able to explain. These kids need a voice and I have the honor of helping be that voice - it's pretty great!

God demands us to care for the least of these - how does that work into what we do outside of work, family, church, etc? As a parent it has become so very important for my boys to see me do for others so that they may learn how wonderful it can be to GIVE.

Go out and volunteer - the feeling you get in giving is far more powerful than getting.

Blessings.

He really must love me...

2010-08-10T22:06:00.001-04:00

Watching one of my fav movies while eating Braum's ice cream and coconut macaroons. The hub turned on the movie and sated my emotional eating with delicious goodies, none of which I needed. He really must love me - the sweetness of sitting in my mess of a day and letting me revel in a foodie movie and eat sweets...he really must love me.

I was feeling rather overwhelmed today when I happened upon a quote:
"In our worst things in life, God gives us our Greatest Mission.":

Food for thought as I watch my foodie movie.

Going to the dr on Friday after a worried doctor scheduled a follow-up appointment. So as I begin the waiting game til next Thursday to know much of anything about this appointment I will reflect upon this "greatest mission" I have been on for longer than I would like and know that God has put all of this before me and He is in control.

What I Did on my Summer Vacation

2010-08-03T13:41:00.000-04:00

You walk into school, 5th grade...first day. Your first assignment is to write a report on what you did that summer. So, here's what we did this summer...

I awoke on a May morning to the sun shining through our faux plantation blinds and smiled knowing that this was in fact the first day of summer vacation. I would like to say that I awoke all on my own, but apparently the boys did not get the memo that one sleeps in on summer vacation - the clock said 6:12 a.m. and here we were, ready to take on the day. The remainder of the month of May was much the same, speckled with days where we slept until almost 7:30. We went the the splash park, played squirt guns in the backyard and made chocolate chip cookies for snacks.

June came in forcefully and sooner than later we were staring down at our first baby turning 6. We were honored to host two wonderful visitors and eat Batman birthday cake. The realization that my child is growing up without my ability to S L O W things down was almost more than I could take as I saw him blow out 6 candles on his cake. It becomes more and more cliche every year when I sit down and reflect on just how fast it all goes. We shared our home amd lives with my niece for the month of June - it was everything I knew it would be and then some more. The ups and downs of taking care of three kids was a good lesson as I continue to attempt to deny the baby pangs that are calling my name. The boys simply adored the extra attention and fart jokes that she supplied - mostly it was a good time had by all - mostly.

We headed home to Tennessee for July. It was a trip like no other, unfortunately not for the reasons we had hoped. The trip was scheduled because I intended to spend time with my ailing father and my siblings that have come in from states asunder to have time with him and time together - this was put into place months before we got word of Chris's Dad's stage 4 cancer diagnosis. But as it would happen, the world came tumbling down while we were in Tennessee. There we were buried under a family size mess of emotions and dealing with the complexities of life, death, health and sickness. Life lessons of life altering proportions made a call and we were tested. As we watched breath leave a father's life - it gave us pause. As we watched will leave a son's life - we felt the grief. As we watched strength leave a husband's life - we clung even more to each other. As we watched love leave a grandfather's life - we learned (again) how hard it is to make sense of life...and what it means when it is over.

We also watched a great man travel further towards that end stage of his life. A great man that had saved lives by pumping a heart with his own hands lay there powerless to heal himself. His son, the doctor, scrambling to find a solution. His wife, the nurse, praying for a way to make sense of it all. A daughter left feeling ravaged by what life had offered and begging for a reprieve. A grandson wrestling with what it means to miss someone for the rest of his life. A son-in-law warring against what life would be like without a father, or even a father figure.

The summer has held so much in the way of lessons I would rather have learned in an easier way...and while I am certain, 150% sure, that God has his hands in every occurence, somehow it still aches in my chest. There is an emptiness that pangs in my soul when I stop long enough to recognize the echoes as the cries I have yet to release, the sadness I have yet to feel. Just as any other time in my life, of course, the juxtaposition of emotions is maddening. As I gaze at the volumes of emotions I have shelved this summer, I am also forced to recognize how much joy there remains in my life - despite the tragedy, death, sickness...
there is JOY. It is much more palatable to grasp for joy than to taste the tears of grief. When I take part one of my two volume set of my 2010 edition of summer the emotions run over me like waves crashing into the shore - I am knocked back, breathless and begging for a rescue. When I hasten to return it to the shelf I find it just a little less heavy then when I first lifted it up to take it out. That is GOD at work - lightening the burden each time I confront it. If only I had the courage to confront it all and let God take each and every part...but just when I feel my weakest, I find myself enjoying the joy of laughter, success - a glimmer of that silver lining. Amazing.

So, one week left of blissful summer and I can say that this summer is one I will never forget. Last moments shared, words of love spoke as though you know you may never get the chance to say it again, and evermore the learning that God is in control - another opportunity to ask for redemption and rescue and submit myself to what is so much bigger than myself.

I fell in love all over again with suntanned skin, the smells of sunscreen and running through the sprinkler, eating popsicles and fighting the OK heat to finish it or wear it :-) Watching the boys tucker themselves out splashing in the pool. Spending time with lifetime friends and laughing at stories that you shared long before that moment while making new ones IN that moment. Hugging sisters, brothers, neices and nephews and the laughter that happens when you're among family. Sharing a goodbye to a good man that loved hard and will always be remembered. Hearing another good man say his I love you's while he still can. Taking it all in - good, bad, ugly, sad - all of it.

Summer vacation - shew, what a couple of months!

2010-06-19T10:44:00.001-04:00

I find myself at odds with the inner workings of my own mind when it comes to finding the inner peace that I so eagerly seek. As my hub and I lay in bed last night sharing in a devotion on the visibility of God and the nature of Christian commitment the question that was posed was "how have grace and peace made a difference in your beliefs, attitudes, priorities and relationships?"

Good question.

Regardless of your faith base and belief system, there is a commonality or unified vision in all faiths (theologically speaking) to seek a peace in your own life. Christian faith leads its followers to seek that peace from the Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ- "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”(- John 14: 27) My Jewish brothers and sisters believe, at least in part, that peace comes when the person embraces the tension that exists between the body and the soul and finding meaning in your struggles. Islamic beliefs dictate that peace is arrived at when they submit to the commands of their creator- "Truly, in remembering God do hearts find rest.”(- Quran 13:28)

I think, even though I am soundly resolved in my faith as a Christian, we can all gain so much in seeing how other faiths see this eternal quest. For me, peace is a battle between your body and soul and I do genuinely believe that in my Lord I will find rest - so I guess we all have it right when we put our heads together.

Grace is a different animal.

I believe the only way to receive grace is allowing the love and mercy of Jesus Christ into your heart and life, and when I start to pontificate on this very matter I cannot separate the concepts of grace and peace - they work in compliment with each other in my life. For me, without grace, peace remains elusive. So, when peace is difficult to find, grasp or feel it is apparent that I have distanced myself from the grace of God.

Undeserving. Worthless. Sinful. Broken.

This distance leads to so much more turmoil than just the lack of peace. Moving myself away from or back into the fold of God's grace is my own action or inaction and I stand before Him undeserving, worthless, sinful and broken. His grace and peace that flows so freely is there to be boldly received and taken but bravery and courage are often conquered by weakness and fear. Oh but the courage to trust Him more. This very battle is where grace comes in to slay the undeserving, worthless, sinful and broken nature of man. We become anew in HIM. When I find myself close to God's grace all my human nature falls away and I am only His child reaching out to her Father needing His love that knows no bounds.

Deserving. Valued. Forgiven. Whole.

So, where do I see grace and peace? How have they changed me? I see it in every moment and I am irreparably transformed again and again, only but by the GRACE of God do I go on.

Blessings.

The Mom is coming

2010-05-27T15:32:00.001-04:00

We are eagerly anticipating the visit of my Mom/Mimi just a day before my "I am so grown up" child turns 6 and it cannot come soon enough. It seems that this upcoming arrival has prompted us to go into high gear getting all the things we've put off around the house done so that she can arrive and be totally impressed - ha! But seriously, it has put a fire under our hiney to take care of things we've been procrastinating on for months, always with a semi-legitimate excuse, but nevertheless these things haven't been done. So, we will welcome her, Lord willing, with things as they should be...or we will welcome her with things as they are at this very moment.

I have been thinking of some decor ideas and have come up with very little considering our access to these such things is limited by distances of 90 miles or so, all I have to go with is Walmart...hence the decor dilemma. We have some pieces around the house and a deluge of photographs that we can frame and hang up, so that is a start. While I have been doing some decor googling I am learning that the "cross wall" is the thing right now...am not sure how I feel about the cross symbol being a trendy home decor idea but whatever floats your boat, right? Don't get me wrong, I would love to do something like that, but the idea that its trendy is what bothers me...does that mean that there's somehow less meaning in the display if you put it up because it is the trend of the moment? Anyway, I digress...so I am thinking a big clock and a few well placed mirrors are in order for our wall space as well as a area rug for our living room and definitely an improved choice of chairs for our table - but the issue still remains, where do I go buy all of these things without driving to the "city"? I don't think I am going to be able to avoid the car trip. (sigh)

It still is difficult for me at times to look at our home and feel at home here- sometimes it feels like this is just a place we're living between other places and as much as I do really love my granite counter tops and hardwood floors and backyard playset...it remains that I feel like this is us living in someone else's house until we move again. Which brings up the latest- we're looking at opportunities outside of McAlester for the next step in our lives. That doesn't mean that we're leaving nor does it mean that we necessarily want to leave- but the doors of opportunity are open and we're taking a peek to see what's out there...that is our big leap of faith for May 2010- we'll see what happens. So, while this is home, we intend to make it appear as "just so" as we are able for my Mom's arrival. We've got a lot of work to do to get there - here's hoping!

Better get moving. Blessings!

Honey Baked

2010-05-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

I have vowed to spend the summer regaling in the freedoms of childhood right along with my two amazing little men, and thus far (only but a week in) we have done so with the grandest flair! I am not ashamed to admit that I am enjoying it as much, possibly more, than they for I know that the summer will end and they will continue to grow to the point that summer vacation is only but a memory.

Summers in my life are quite nostalgic. Swimming and pizza and slumber party sleepovers. Tan lines and staying up past your bedtime and sleeping in until you wake up. Summer, as a child, allows for your collective person to exhale. I don't remember being anxious or irritable (while I am sure my mother would disagree with my remembering) - I remember wishing summer would last.

Splash pad at 9:30 am, why not? Cold pizza for breakfast, absolutely okay with me....cause it really is all relative. These moments will escape me one day so I am resolutely determined to enjoy the blissful freedom that summer vacation offers in childhood. I will delve into my new knitting hobby and end up honey baked and tan and I will eat popsicles on the back porch while playing with squirt guns and I will sleep until the boys get up and got to bed too late just because I can and I will wake up each morning with a deep sigh of contentment.

I have been reading my Bible and learning so much over the course of these last few days and I have found that the stresses and demands of life and family and pain have been holding captive my whimsy, my free spiritedness, my willingness to stop and enjoy the moment - so summer is the perfect opportunity to free those characteristics from my self imposed prison of perfectionism and compulsivity and allow myself to breathe fully in the spirit that God lets flow through you. I have also started a new campaign in our home to banish negativity, unkind words and the grumbling complaints of every day life while also committing to daily devotions that pack a punch in as little as 5 minutes and the compilation of these factors have all created a much more harmonious, relaxing and much more unburdened feeling in our home. Praise God for the work He does in our lives even when we're not paying attention.

So, here's to summer and the blessings of family and suntans and devotions and knitting and pool time and childhood...I am going to love every minute.

Blessings!

God's hand might not always be where you think it should be...

2010-05-18T15:16:00.000-04:00

I am conquered, defeated...beaten. I lay in hospital bed flanked by nurses and a worried husband and amidst the pain that would not cease the words of Casting Crowns song "Praise You in this Storm" keeps running through my head- reminding me that God is with me in, around and through it all.

As I begged for a cure, through tears and desperation - I kept thinking of that song.

That is God's hand in my life. Even when the devil could come in and take over - he has me praising Him through the pain, the tears, the worries. HE is there! I wanted to be cured - he reminded me that my job was not to beg for my own causes but to praise Him, no matter what.

God is there, maybe not answering your prayers the ways you want them to be but that doesn't mean He isn't there- watch, listen, pay attention and then sit back and watch God's plan unfold.

A good friend told me once not to pray for patience because then your patience will continue to be challenged - she recommended that I pray for understanding. Good advice. So, instead of praying for a cure, I pray for the strength it takes to praise Him in my storm.

Blessings.

Snowball

2010-05-15T17:17:00.000-04:00

Ever had one of those days (or weeks or months) where it seems that you started with one issue, crisis, problem and then another and another and another until there was this massive collection of issues, crisis and problems barreling down on you and as fast as you run, it is still gaining on you? Like the cartoon snowball that starts out small at the top of the hill - as it goes downhill it gains momentum and gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then suddenly the person running from it is suddenly "in" the snowball...that has been the month of May here in the Beatty house.

It is May and I am inside the big snowball.

Cancer diagnosis, terminal diagnosis, degenerative disease, distance, heartache, loneliness, disillusionment, disappointment, worry, doubt, more doubt, frustration, anger, fear, exhaustion, pain, tears.

The sunshine that melts that snowball: kindergarten graduation, laughter of your children, holding the hand of the person that you love, hearing just the right song on the radio, opening my Bible to a verse that clearly was shown to me at that very moment because God knows ALL, the friendship of women and men that inspire me.

The "son" clearly shines his glorious presence in my life - even when in the snowball. He is the beginning and the end - he is where the snowball finally stops rolling down the hill and I find myself at the foot of the cross. And I see his pain, his suffering, his agony and I am humbled - it is I that forsake him, it is I that condemn him and I am just one of many that he is dying to save.

Snowball or not, I do know I am not alone. Someone sings a song about Jesus taking the wheel - I guess here this month it is Jesus steer the snowball away from more snow.

Blessings.

2010-05-13T15:28:00.000-04:00

Where does teenage angst eminate from? And what did we call emo kids when I was in high school? Just putting that out there.

I see teenagers that can bear to smile and I wonder what is so bad about being 15? Then I remember what it was to have braces and a weight problem at 15 and I know the answer. Then again, I don't remember being unable to conjur up a smile.

All this aside, I watched 4 teenagers get baptized last night - with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts. So, teenage angst isn't necessarily epidemic - good to know. It was such a great gift to get to see these young people give their lives and hearts to Christ. AMAZING. I guess the answer to my question above could be that the angst eminates from a separation from God - so today I will take a minute and pray for our youth that HE can be the joy in their hearts - the smile on their face! :-)

Blessings.

Bittersweet

2010-05-09T19:15:00.001-04:00

Someone comes up to you and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news, which one do you want first?" How do you respond?

I am always wanting to hear the bad news first, call it jaded, cynical, etc...but I have never had the knack for that whole glass is half full thing. It just isn't my nature. I was raised by two very practical people and even as a child it seemed easier for me to just see things for what they were; that doesn't mean that my childhood was unhappy, I have always just been more pragmatist than a daydreamer. I am the kind of person that would rather know what the bad news is cause usually it isn't as bad as I've already imagined it could be. Sounds pretty depressing I guess but that is just part of who I am. So, as I brace myself for the bad news I have already anticipated the worst anyway, so getting the bad news first lets the good stuff follow.

This week was not the bad news first, however.

We celebrated a small achievement for our oldest son this week as he "graduated" Kindergarten. It was precious. They sang, recited scripture, signed the days of the week...like I said, it was precious. They also wore a cap and gown and got a "diploma" I was a proud Momma that night. He was adorable in his cap and gown and there were moments that I stood there is complete amazement at how BIG he is and at the very same time thinking about what it would mean for him to do this again at 18. Very tender moments for his Mom and Dad. We were so proud. To celebrate his achievement we let him pick out a cake to eat up after the ceremony and as we were walking through the check out line at Walmart I got a phone call from my Mom. I was anticipating the call as a congrats for our "grad" and instead it was to inform me that my Dad's latest DR appt yielded a very depressing prognosis. So, good news first, bad news last. Quite the reverse.

As I stood there, taking it all in - it was all too much for my sentimental ways. Having my baby get "big" and knowing my Dad won't be here to see that baby really graduate at 18 - a proud moment juxtaposed by real sadness....very bittersweet.

I have had a few days to marinate and take it all in and I am still left feeling the sting of sad and the joy of seeing my son growing into just the person God would have him be. While reflecting on these situations I find myself realizing that the differences between sorrow and joy, good and bad, sweet and bitter - its kinda like the differences between a Republican and a Democrat, at the end of the day, somedays you can't tell them apart.

Those feelings, emotions, situations are what connect us as human beings. If there was no sorrow then would we know the real joy of joy? If there was no bad news then would the good news be as "good"? If all of life was bitter, how sad would it be to not know the sweetness of your child's smile, the sweetness of a friend's hug, the sweetness of getting to love my spouse?

I have discovered that sorrow and joy are inextricably linked. I have sorrow and joy seeing my son grow - sorrow that he will not always be so little and joy that he is growing to be the person that God would have him be. I have sorrow knowing that my Dad will not always be here to tell me silly stories or make my kiddos laugh and also joy knowing that his life has been a gift, knowing that his legacy will live on, knowing that he will save a place for me in heaven.

Bittersweet.

Enlightenment at the stop sign

2010-04-25T17:22:00.000-04:00

We were at my least favorite store in the world (but the only one to really shop at) and as we were leaving with a trunk mostly full of pop, paper towels, juice and goldfish crackers we drove up to the stop sign where there was a man holding a sign that said "just need a little help." He waved to me as we made eye contact and I waved back...but no money changed hands. Heartless?

This man and I had become acquainted one very long night in the ER at the local hospital. As I sat in the wheel chair for hours that night in pain I could no longer bear I met this man. He stumbled in with his back pack and a tattered coat - it was very snowy, I wondered how he had stayed warm. He was clearly under the influence of one thing or another as he plopped himself down in a chair and began loudly talking to whomever would listen that he was going to treatment. This disclosure, needless to say, did not surprise me. There is a treatment location in town that he was aiming to be admitted to, my guess was this was more motivated by a need for a warm place to sleep then to get "clean" - not that I blamed him, there was inches of snow on the ground. When we finally were taken back to the ER to a curtained off bay I soon heard his voice again in the room not too far away. Apparently his blood alcohol level was too high to be admitted into treatment, so he stayed many hours to sober up enough to get clean.

I have seen this man on many times since then and he is always at that corner, holding that sign. Some people are fearful of these "beggars", some refuse to look them in the eye because for some reason once you make eye contact you feel somewhat responsible and then guilty for driving away. I make eye contact or smile as appropriate and there have been times where I have been very willing to stop and give "a little help" but with him, I drove on. I feel so opposed to aiding him in his addictions, whatever they are, that keep him living a life of chronic homelessness and dependence upon his drug or drugs of choice.

But, today- it was as if I was reading the sign for the first time. "Just need a little help" I very well could be the one carrying that sign on any given day - as could almost everyone I know. However, as the case may be, we don't ever walk around with a sign announcing to the world what our particular problem, crisis, issue is for that day - wouldn't life be easier if we all carried a sign like that? When you're having a bad day your sign could read "need a little help not losing my mind today, whatever you can do to help is appreciated." Or how about, "need a little help today not disliking my boss today...anything you can say that makes me dislike him less is appreciated." Or for a mom, "need a little help today with my angelic children that are acting like complete monsters and now I can't get a thing done around the house, a coupon to take them to McDonald's for a happy meal so I don't have to cook would be appreciated."

I sat there at the stop sign thinking to myself how glad I was that I didn't wear a sign that announced to the world how much help I needed at any given moment...what would people think of me if all that was presented in such a fashion? Suddenly as the light turned green and I was able to pass through the stop sign it hit me...my "sign" is always in my heart for God to read and it is He whom I would benefit the most from in receiving "a little help" So, that's a pretty big gift for me today from the homeless man, I will pray for him that he can be reached by God and helped in ways that pocket change could never compare.

By the way, today my sign would read something like this: "Run out of gas, on empty. Just need a little help to see me through today. Any prayers are greatly appreciated."

How would yours read?

Blessings!

I could trust this Monday...almost

2010-04-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

Today began like any other Monday...with the snooze button being forcibly shoved into submission and quieted for at least another 5 minutes, soon followed by the first and then the second sleepy boy that finds Mom and Dad's bed to be much more snuggly in the wee hours of the pre-dawn morning; finally the silence was broken by the dog whining to be let out his crate to water our backyard...and that is our typical Monday morning. Today was mostly ordinary and rather routine except for the presence of THE DAD on a school day, a Monday...which NEVER happens. So, that was nice.

We've figured out how to stream netflix movies to our TV (my apologies to the technical gurus who scoff at my ignorance until now) and so after the school drop off we sat down to a myriad of movie choices and bumbed around in comfy clothes watching movies til lunch. Ahhh, that's the life, right? I did my pilates routine followed by a jaunt on the treadmill where I showed my singing talents (or lack thereof depending upon whom you ask) and sang along to some very bad and shamefully "pop"esque music of my teens...J was particularly taken with one of the Nirvana songs! LOL! I cooked supper, it was delish: spinach, ground turkey and cheese calzone. And then it happened...DAD aka the hub got called into work. Poo. I almost trusted that day.

I have to say - now that it is Tuesday, I can reflect and say overwhelmingly that Monday was a good day. Here's to today being that good too! :-)

So far - it looks that way!

itunes, blogging and coffee

2010-04-16T11:44:00.001-04:00

Ohhh, listen to the music...gotta love the Doobies. Sitting on my back
porch, relishing the joys of little boy laughter, good coffee and the freedom that comes with taking a day to bring it all back down.

There is something to be said for taking the time to FIND renewal, cause-in this life, it sure isn't happening on accident. Most people make much of how busy they are, how many responsibilities they have, how they just don't have enough TIME...however, I find that so much of that is our own doing. If we don't MAKE the time to seek out the quiet spaces in between all of our calendar commitments then we will always come up short. If we don't MAKE the time to spend time connecting or re-connecting with our loved ones, friends, even ourselves then we will always be lacking. If we don't MAKE the time for devotion and prayer to our God - the contentment and fulfillment that only HE can give will always be elusive.

Doing this does require a willingness to UN-COMMIT yourself from keeping your calendar full. Sometimes it means saying no when you always say yes, sometimes it means passing on the dinner party, golf game, volunteering, baseball practice, dance class, etc- I know that is where it gets complicated for some. I have learned two things in doing this:
1. The world will go on and someone else will fill my spot if I say no
2. Busyness is often times a cover for a great level of dissatisfaction with being still - read that however you want, but if you really stop and think about why some people always seem so busy, there is usually a reason why-beyond their sense of responsibility, philanthropy or otherwise.

Being still, making time to be in the moment and not let other things take over sometimes makes us be still and in the moment with things/feelings/people that we would otherwise want to avoid for any number of reasons. But, in this stillness, in these moments is when we can really grow, feel, reconnect, etc.

I have learned to enjoy it all, even when it makes me squirm or makes me feel challenged...so as I sit here listening to my itunes play jazzy, rocker, or bluesy tunes and sip really good coffee- I can pontificate and hear my kiddos enjoying our day off from it all.

Blessings to you out there - hope you can find moments in your day for the same kind of peace.