What Mormons Like

Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (12-13)

2009-06-24T11:47:00.002-06:00

Here are the final articles of faith for Mormon culture. You can find the other articles of faith by clicking here (1-4), here (5-6), here (7-9), and here (10-11).

12. We believe in being subject to scoutmasters, pampered chef hostesses, and the writers of the U.S. News and World Report Rankings for professional schools, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining Glenn Beck.

13. We believe in being above average, good at crafts, optimistic, and being fifteen minutes late everywhere we go. Indeed, we may say that we follow BYU football. We believe rumors about famous people joining the church, we hope to meet the three Nephites, we have endured many pyramid schemes, and hope to be able to endure all pyramid schemes. If there is anything cheap, free, sold in bulk, or given away when somebody is moving, we seek after these things.

Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (10-11)

2009-06-22T12:22:00.001-06:00

Here are two more articles of faith for Mormon culture. You can find the other articles of faith by clicking here (1-4), here (5-6), and here (7-9).

10. We believe in the literal mixing of ketchup and mayo and in the generous application of ranch dressing; that CBAs (church-based acronyms) will be used to describe YM/YW, PEC, the Y, NCMO, and CTR; that Mitt Romney will get Mormons to vote for him any time he runs; and, that the Mormons will enjoy reading Twilight and The Work and the Glory.

11. We claim the privilege of trying to identify common acquaintances with any visitor at church, and allow all other people at church the same privilege, and let them name drop the names of FaMos and general authorities how, where, or what they may.

Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (7-9)

2009-06-08T18:42:00.003-06:00

For the past couple of posts, I have been laying out proposed articles of faith for Mormon culture. You can find the other articles of faith by clicking here (1-4) and here (5-6). Anyways, here is my best stab at Articles 7-9:

7. We believe in the gift of the re-gift, church books, crafts, family photos, baked goods, emergency supply kits, and so forth.

8. We believe in sparkling grape juice so long as it is nonalcoholic; we also believe in bringing root beer and sprite to ward parties.

9. We believe in all that we have scrapbooked, all that we will now scrapbook, and we believe that we will yet scrapbook many great and important things pertaining to our family, friends, pets, and vacations.

Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (5-6)

2009-06-03T10:10:00.001-06:00

A few days ago, I posted the first four Articles of Faith for Mo Culture. I have slightly revised them based on the comments I received. Here are the next two:

5. We believe that a Mormon should have a distinguished or a cute name, that it is appropriate to name a child after a church leader or a historical figure including an ancestor, that alternative spellings and French prefixes only add to a name, and that when referring to the names of General Authorities, middle initials should be a part thereof.

6. We believe in the same wall decor that exists in many Mormon homes, namely, framed family proclamations, vinyl lettering, inspirational word signs, family photos, pictures of temples and Jesus, and so forth.

* My last two posts on Twitter deal with the Sixth Article of Faith of Mo Culture. Check them out by clicking here.

Articles of Faith for Mo Culture (1-4)

2009-05-28T21:57:00.007-06:00

Joseph Smith wrote up the Articles of Faith for the Mormon Church as a thoughtful response to a letter from a newspaper publisher inquiring about the church's beliefs. Today, Mormons still rely on the same explanations to define and differentiate their beliefs.

In fact, Mormons teach their kids to sing them. This not only teaches the children these principles but also, honestly, introduces the children to simple yet annoying melodies. Some Mormon congregations may even teach the children some rudimentary sign language as actions to these songs.

A while back, I proposed an article of faith to explain an aspect of Mormon culture. One of the commenters to that post suggested I come up with twelve more. At the time, I thought it was a pretty good idea. It has taken me a while to get around to it, but here are the first four--three of them new and one old. I hope to post nine more over the next couple of weeks.

1. We believe in SUVs and minivans, as the form of transportation, and in knee length shorts, which are always nice, and in the multilevel marking.

2. We believe that church ball players should be punished for their own fouls, and not for unsportsmanlike aggression.

3. We believe that through bread crumbs, cheese, creamy soups, and rice all casseroles can be saved—though obedience to ward cookbooks and creativity in the mixing bowl.

4. We believe that the first layers and ingredients of the Dip are: first, beans; second, cheese; third, chopped tomatoes; fourth, the gift of sour cream; fifth, olives; sixth, salsa; seventh, guacamole—that is, if you have it.

Mormons Like Kris Allen

2009-05-21T10:21:00.005-06:00

As you probably know, Kris Allen won this year's American Idol contest. Part of me says, "Whoop-Dee-Doo." But, another part of me is impressed with the momentum he gained over the course of the competition. He literally came out of nowhere to overtake the front runners. While thinking of his momentum, I began to wonder if he had any MoMentum.

It seems quite likely that he does. He's looks like a clean-cut guy, and he is not shy of discussing his devotion to his own church. So, on looks and attitude, the guy could blend in at some place like BYU pretty easily. Yeah, he is no Brooke White, but he definitely gives off that J-Crew vibe more than David Archuletta does. In contrast, the other guy who vied for the top spot on American Idol--Adam Lambert--would have a bit harder time blending in at BYU. That is not saying it is impossible for Adam to blend in at BYU. I imagine that he could--theoretically--hide behind a shrub or bookshelf on campus or something.

Mormons might also like Kris because he spells his name "Kris" and not "Chris"--a nice alternative spelling. It would have been better had he insisted on using a middle initial in his name as well, but the alternative spelling of course is nothing to sneeze at.

All this is helpful, but what iced it for me was Kris's response to winning: "Are you freaking kidding me?!" Huh?! He resorted to Mormon swearing?! When he did, I was pretty much at a loss for words. I sat there stunned and then blurted the first thing that came out: "Are you freaking kidding me?!" At that point I knew it. The guy has MoMentum.

* By the way, I have started a new blog. Check it out by clicking here.

Mormons Like the Creative Marriage Proposal

2009-05-13T06:51:00.004-06:00

When asking another to consider marriage, some--but not all--Mormons feel compelled to find a creative and/or memorable way to pop the question. The standby example of this is to arrange to pop the question on the jumbo tron at a basketball arena. This, however, has become so commonplace that it is really only truly memorable when the answer is "no". Others will go to great lengths to engineer surprise or a romantic atmosphere--jumping out of nowhere with a string quartet and a dozen roses, getting down on one knee, and having Howie Mandel come from behind a corner and say, "Deal or no deal?"

What is behind this? Well, some may argue that this is a result of Mormons putting such a great importance on marriage. I mean, if you are going to be with the person forever, the moment should be memorable, right? This may sound sentimental, but there is also practical thinking behind this: a few years can blur a memory, so just think what an eternity can do. Without some flare, Mormons have reason to fear that memories of the proposals in A Princess Bride or Pride and Prejudice will outlive their own. "No Honey, I did not do that. You must be thinking of Edward from Twilight" is not something Mormons want to say in the hereafter.

Others might argue that the Mormon commitment to high-effort proposals is in part due to the fact that Mormons marry so young. When a Mormon marries fresh out of high school, the Mormon proposing runs the risk that the proposal will pale in comparison to the creative antics your sweetheart's last romantic interest performed just to ask for a date to a school dance called "Monster Mash."

Still others will argue that Mormons did not always put so much energy into proposals. But, since Mormons did away with polygamy in the 19th century, the importance of the proposal has increased. "Hey, if I get one shot of this, I might as well do this right," the logic goes.

I think, however, that Mormon proposal antics relate to the Mormon desire to stand above the crowd. Although Mormons can't excel in all things, they strive to excel when the chips are really on the table. (Is it just me, or shouldn't Mormons say "when the chips and dip are on the table"?) In the Mormon mind, it is a way to say, "Yeah, so what if I am not the greatest dentist in the world or have the most distinguished middle initial in my name?! When it really matters, I've got game." Unfortunately, due to years of church basketball, the phrase, "I've got game" is too often followed with the reflexive "Face! You friggin' fetcher."

* For those of you who already follow me on Twitter, forgive the redundancy. However, if you have not already seen it, prepare yourself for a crappy way to give the bride a ring:

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Mormons Like Cream

2009-05-05T19:04:00.002-06:00

I have mentioned before that to keep their sanity, Mormons often resort to finding loopholes in the Word of Wisdom (a Mormon health and diet code). Fortunately for Mormons, creams constitute a significant loophole. While I am sure that there are others, let's focus on two of the biggies cream has to offer.

Ice cream. Some have claimed--not me--that Utah is the ice cream capital of the world. Unfortunately, Le Mars, Iowa (home of Blue Bunny Ice Cream) has officially secured trademark on the term "ice cream capital of the world," so those who sing Utah's ice cream praises too loudly can soon expect to have their sorry butts dragged off to court. But still, the registered trademark did not keep Blue Bunny from essentially conceding that as far as eating ice cream, Utah reigns supreme. It did so when it opened an ice cream factory in St. George, Utah. You see, the marketers at Blue Bunny saw the plain truth: Mormons are total ice cream sluts. In the Mormon mind, ice cream is a beautiful thing: many creams are cold but few are frozen.

Cream of mushroom and cream of chicken soup. First, it probably deserves noting in their own right the very words "cream of chicken soup" are fun to say. Second, and more importantly, these creamy soups deserve credit for making casseroles what they are to the Mormon potluck. These soups literally bring together the disparate parts--the celery, sausages, rice, and bread crumbs--into a single gooey and delicious whole. And, it can't be denied: cream of mushroom or chicken soup is the very thing that puts the fun into funeral potatoes. I mean it, show me a recipe in a ward cookbook in the "dinner" section without cream of mushroom or chicken soup that isn't either cooked on the grill or crock pot, and I will show you one of three things: a misprint, a failed attempt at a practical joke, or a Mormon cultural apostate.

Mormons Like the Pioneer Trek

2009-05-01T09:00:00.000-06:00

Mormons love the pioneers (Mormons who inhabited the Great Basin during the nineteenth century). Particularly in the interior west of the United States (places like Utah, Arizona, Wyoming, and Idaho), Mormons like to go on pioneer treks. The pioneer trek is high stakes pretend play and dress ups for teenagers and adults. It is a reenactment that entails tromping around a forest or mountain range with a handcart, dressing like a pioneer, and talkin' with a right-bad accent and using done-wrong grammar for four or five days. The commitment to pioneer reenactments is so deep that over the past several decades many-a-Mormons have noted that they are truly grateful that the Donner Party were not Mormons.

When Mormons go on pioneer treks, they usually are assigned to a "family." The family consists of a Ma and a Pa (usually two middle-aged adults from the a Mormons congregation or a nearby congregation) and bunch of kids (all teenagers in the congregation or several congregations). So, the youth participating can take comfort that even though they are far from home, they still have a mother figure and father figure to which they can show disrespect and flaunt in disobedience.

At one time, pioneer treking for Mormons was much more hardcore. Those organizing these experiences would try to make them authentic by only given the participants just enough food to survive and then trying to push them to the brink. Sometimes, those involved would get to kill a live chicken and then cook it over the fire. One might query, does chicken taste like chicken if you cook it wrong? The answer to this was often made clear when the chicken was either charred or raw--and often both--after it came off the fire.

While the commitment in Mormon culture for pioneer treking has not subsided, it is intetesting to note that Mormons have begun to teach children a song in primary that begins, "You don't need to push a handcart to be a pioneer." Given the importance of the pioneer trek to Mormon culture, this might seem controversial--almost Mormon cultural apostasy. But, it is not as bad as all that because every Mormon knows there are more ways to be a pioneer than pushing a handcart. For example, you can also pull a handcart: for some must push and some must pull as they go marching up the hill.

Needed I'll Build You a Rainbow Therapy

2009-04-27T07:52:00.002-06:00

I recently watched I'll Build You a Rainbow again. I say "again" because my parents inflicted the filmstrip on me some years ago. It was terrible. I bawled my eyes out. As far as tearjerkers go and from a kid's perspective, it ranks up there with Where the Red Fern Grows and Snoopy, Come Home. Because it devastated me as a child, I was honestly nervous to watch it again after all these years. But, my therapist suggested that it might actually help me get over it, so did it.

For those of you who have not seen it, I envy you that. While I do not recommend that you watch it and would certainly caution you not to show it to anyone under the age of twenty-five under any circumstances. Here it is. Be careful with it. It could be a powerful tool in the wrong hands--this much I learned from experience.

While my second viewing did nothing to change my mind about calling this filmstrip a tearjerker, it is not nearly as brutal as I remembered it. I fault most of this to the fact that there are number of common misconceptions of the filmstrip hanging around out there. Somehow my memory of the filmstrip had incorporated a number of these misconceptions. As a public service, let me clear up the record.

Fact: Jamie's mom is pretty great. She road bikes with him, spent time with him, and even was the football star of the Jamie's neighborhood.

Common Misconception: The narrator of the film never said, "Jamie's mom kicked butt--big time." The filmstrip does not assert that she only feeds Jamie vegetables when they are contained in jell-o or smothered in ranch dressing or contained in jell-o and then smothered in ranch dressing. And, she never beat up one of the neighbor's dads at a little league baseball game.

Fact: Jamie's mom call's him "Big J." She does this not because he is big but because he has a big heart.

Common Misconception: She does not call him "Big J" because he needed to have a cool motorbike gang name if Jamie was going to ride in the sidecar of her Harley.

Fact: The chorus of the theme music of the film strip goes like this:

I'll build you a rainbow, way up high above.
Send down a sunbeam, plumb full of love.
Sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops of joy.
I'll be happy as springtime, watching over my boy.

Common Misconception: The chorus does not go like this:

I'll build you a rainbow, ten thousand feet high.
Send you down crashing, from way up in the sky.
Listen to this music, teardrops will flow.
This is even worse than The Cipher in the Snow.

Fact: The secret that she tells Jamie at the end of the film is that families can be together forever.

Common Misconception: She does not tell Jamie her secret fried chicken recipe. Rather, she told that secret to her uncle--a Colonel with wee beady eyes and a smug look on his face. He then turned around made a fortune selling it to others (including Jamie) because the chicken recipe includes an addictive chemical that makes ya crave the it fortnightly.

Mormons Like/Will Like Susan Boyle

2009-04-20T07:51:00.000-06:00

If you have not already seen it, you should check out this clip from Britain's Got Talent. I know, however, there is a fair chance that you are among the 30 million others who have already watched Susan Boyle's performance.

Up to this point, this blog has cataloged those things that Mormons like. My approach has been pointing out the familiar and often the obvious.

I am going out on a limb here. In saying that Mormons like or will like Susan Boyle, I am telling you something nobody has pointed out yet. In doing so, there is a risk involved because I may be wrong about Susan Boyle's performance. However, the risk is not too grave because the probability that anyone would care that I was wrong is not very great and the probability that I would care if they did is even more slim.

So, here are a few reasons why I think that Mormons like or will like Susan Boyle's performance. There might be more, but this is a start.

Mormons love the stories about the imprudence of judging a book by its cover, but her story is better than that. She is the Old Violin, Mr. Kruger living alone with her cat, and the lonely woman waiting by the mailbox all rolled up in one.
She looks like somebody you might see at church, but she can really sing--a rare combination indeed. I have said before, Mormons have heard much more of their share of bad music. When someone who looks to have come straight from the Relief Society comes out and belts out a song like she does, it truly is a relief for Mormon society.
Susan Boyle's performance provides a great springboard for drawing gospel-related analogies. Her sharing her music, of course, is like church members sharing the Gospel. Her unflappable composure in the face of a jeering crowd is just as a reminder to look past the things of the world. Her reference to her cat Pebbles is like... like... er... really great, and I am sure full of symbolic meaning too.
In the Internet video of her performance (between 4 minutes even and 4 minutes and 5 seconds to be precise), Simon Cowell looks like a baby smiling due to gas. Mormons love it when babies smile even if it is just gas.
Her performance changed the mind of the audience, the judges, and presumably most of the people watching her video on the Internet. Mormons like it when optimism and gumption overcomes cynicism and timidity.

* Back to the obvious: Funeral potatoes out of the blue says, "I know you need potatoes, cream of mushroom soup, and cheese--even on days that people don't die." If you liked this brief thought, I suggest you subscribe to my tweets on Twitter.

Some Blog Highlights

2009-04-15T20:57:00.003-06:00

I have mentioned before, the best part of my blog are the comments people leave. A close second for me are some of the random ways that people find my blog—something that up to this point I have kept to myself. Consider a few classic searches:

Search query: "sign language" mayonnaise

Commentary: This is an essential of Mormon emergency preparedness. A Mormon can never be too careful in assuring access to mayo. It is the keystone of the Mormon diet. This goes a long way in explaining the following query of another vistor to my blog: "does lasagna have mayonnaise." But, be warned there are Mormon cultural apostates lurking out there on the Internet. What else would explain the search “miracle whip mormons”?

Search query: decorating church gyms for a wedding

Commentary: The real trick here is getting what to do with the basketball net and stopping those accustomed to playing church ball on the court from talking smack to the bride's parents.

Some searches take the form of questions. Many of these questions provide insights into what people think about Mormons. Some of these I read as nothing less as a plea for help.

Search query: are all mormon men dentists?

Answer: Beware of absolutes. Of course, not all Mormon men are dentists—even if it seems like it. But, all dentists are Mormons.

Search query: can you fry mayonnaise?

Answer: Not in this life anyways—otherwise this would be a staple of Ward potlucks. There has to be something left for the next life. This does not mean that you should not attempt to do it though. Remember though, I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth eating it—even if your attempts are technically failures.

Search query: do lds like old navy

Answer: There is nothing funny about this. However, 41 visits to my blog came through this search string. So, let me just put desperate searchers out of their misery and tell you that yes Mormons like it. This is particularly the case when it is time to buy matching shirts and khakis for family photos.

Search query: do mormons eat ice cream

Answer: Not always. Sometimes Mormons fast or sleep.

Peeps of Mormon

2009-04-13T08:29:00.003-06:00

Mormons looking for something to do with those extra packages of Peeps should click here.

A Birthday Gift from the Paper

2009-04-07T19:29:00.006-06:00

It is no secret that in the past I have had a pretty nasty spat with The Paper--aka, BYU's Daily Universe. (Those of you too new to this blog to know about this long standing conflict, I invite you to examine this and this.)

And, before I share the news, let me also admit that I have had more than my share of typos on this blog. (Of course, however, my own typos have not stopped me from pointing out the typos of others when they add to my personal amusement.)

With that as a back drop, let tell you that somebody at The Paper really went overboard in celebrating my blog's first birthday. In passing this on, let me say I appreciate the discomfort and embarrassment that those at The Paper must feel. The gift is detailed in this article below. As you read, I ask you to put yourself in the unfortunate position of those working at The Paper.

While this story has found its way to many sources now, none are as reputable as The Other Paper (aka Provo's Daily Herald). So, put on your typo seat belt (because this one hurt) and enjoy!

Headline: BYU newspapers recalled over spelling mix-up
Ace Stryker - Daily Herald

PROVO -- At Brigham Young University, accidentally labeling Mormon leaders "apostates" is no laughing matter.

All 18,500 issues of the Daily Universe were pulled Monday from shelves around campus after it was realized that's exactly what happened. A photo caption on the front page inadvertently described a group of men pictured as members of the "Quorum of the Twelve Apostates," rather than "Apostles," the correct name of a governing body of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The papers were replaced with corrected copies later in the day.

University spokeswoman Carri Jenkins said the typo, which replaced the intended word with a virtual antonym, was an "honest mistake" and that no university or church administrator has sought to punish those responsible for the blunder. She said the problem is being handled internally by newspaper and Department of Communications staff.

"This is extremely rare," Jenkins said. "The focus today has been how and why the error occurred and what we can do to make sure that this does not happen again."

In a written statement, Brad Rawlins, chairman of the school's Communications Department, said the mistake was the product of human error not caught in a regular pre-publication review.

"No disrespect to our church leaders was intended," he said. "The Daily Universe is a student laboratory, and, while this fact does not excuse errors of this magnitude, it does mean that we go through a continuous learning and improvement process in order to enhance the quality of what we do."

According to a BYU Newsnet article posted Monday, the error occurred as a copy editor was conducting an automatic spell check through the page's contents. The editor replaced a misspelled version of the intended word with the computer's first suggestion -- in this case, "apostate."

Jenkins said this is the second time in recent history the paper has been recalled. Years ago, copies were pulled because poor print quality rendered some of the text illegible, she said.

* I think that there is an object lesson in there somewhere. I would love to hear what you think the object lesson is. Regardless, I imagine that this is one that we won't hear at Conference.

We Have a Winner -- a Tribute to CTR

2009-04-06T20:49:00.004-06:00

CTR when a vote is placed before you.
In Mo Madness, CTR wins;
And the mo-dar is forever pinging o'er you,
Special initials that ward off sins.
CTR! CTR!
You are a precious acronym.
In this light, you're a star!
You are the reason I wrote this hymn.

CTR! It beat things like fry sauce.
It overcame the mighty minivan.
It served fiber of my being a loss;
CTR pings the mo-dar like nothing else can.
CTR! CTR!
Not hands that prepared this meal.
In its light, you went far!
Mos love those initials and the shiny green shield.

* Today this blog had its first birthday. I am not sure where if anywhere this blog will head next. I need to give it some thought. But, Happy Birthday Blog!

Mo Madness -- Choose the Winner

2009-04-02T21:22:00.004-06:00

Mo Madness started with sixty-four elements of Mormon culture. We are down to two. It is CTR vs. The Hands the Prepared This Meal.

In the last round, in the comments section one person actually had the nerve to grouse that CTR should be eliminated because the Mormon brain is programmed to choose CTR. The petty comment was something along these lines: "I wonder if CTR should be eliminated. It seems so unfair that Mormons are taught at a young to choose the right when the choice is placed before them. Given this, is it any surprise that when you say, 'Hey Mormons, what to you choose, the right or funeral potatoes?" that they choose the right?'"

Despite the fact that this last minute scandal threatens to taint the entire Mo Madness competition and despite the fact that I was actually one that posted the grousing comment, I encourage you to vote for which ever element you think is right and let the consequence follow. To do so, click here.

The Friggin' Four (Mo Madness Round V)

2009-03-30T12:25:00.005-06:00

Alright folks, it is nail biting time. Mo Madness started with sixty-four elements of Mormon culture, four remain.

How tough are the elements in the Friggin' Four? For me, looking at which elements that exited the tournament last round really puts things into perspective. Funeral Potatoes has gone the way of the Earth. We are only left to wonder if those putting on the services will actually have the gumption to serve funeral potatoes at its services. Church Basketball is finished and, as always, Church Basketball put up a good fight or at least a lot of petty gripes, cheap fouls, and a really bad attitude. Jell-o Salad is gone, which is going to make Sister Smith really happy as she takes her empty Jell-o dish for the washing. And, thankfully for those involved, Pioneer Trek has come to end. All that is left of it are the war stories we share next week at church and years from now in therapy.

For the Friggin' Four, we have two power match ups. We will see two badges of righteous apparel. Yes, that's right, it is White Dress Shirts versus CTR. We we also see two familiar but still strange phrases have it out. Yes again, it is Fiber of My Being versus Hands that Prepared This Meal.

To vote, click here.

* I will post the results of the last round in the comments section.

The Earnest Eight (Mo Madness Round IV)

2009-03-26T16:40:00.002-06:00

We are now deep into the Mo Madness Tournament. (Mo Madness is similar to the NCAA brackets. But, rather than basketball teams, Mo Madness pits classic elements of Mormon culture against each other and allows you to vote and help choose which one will ultimately emerge victorious.) We started with sixty-four solid contestants, everyone of them able to set off the Mo-dar in their own right. We just finished the Sentimental Sixteen. In the last round, we had some strong contestants that found their way to the exit door--a few of which deserve our attention.

Donny Osmond is no longer with us. Many had speculated that his not too distant appearance in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat as well as his updated version of Onward Christian Soldier (i.e., Soldier of Love) would have secured him a spot in the next round. That did not happen, but he had a good run.

Next, to Napoleon Dynamite. Napoleon, it is reported that you have responded to the question, "What are you doing now that you have lost Mo Madness?" with, "Whatever I feel like I wanna. Gosh!" But even if you call me a "Freaking idiot" that will not be enough to get you into the Earnest Eight.

Star Wars Gospel Analogies, may the force be with you. And, yes, due to many references to you during church meetings, Mormons all know what that represents.

Seven-layered Dip, you might be surprised to be leaving the tournament, but with a bunch of Mormons around, I knew you would not be around forever. As lovely as you are, by the end of the tournament you were destined to be eaten--only a bean stain of your former self.

And Family Blog, you put up a good fight until the end. But rest assured, if you put up a pithy post about your challenges, you will get a lot of very supportive comments and you will be back to your old self and posting pictures of the kids in no time at all.

In the next round, you will see, among others, CTR take on Funeral Potatoes and Pioneer Trek versus Fiber of My Being.

To vote in Round IV, click here.

* As I have done in the past, I will post the results from the last round in the comments section. Feel free to give your take there too.

Some Mo' Mo Madness (Round III)

2009-03-23T10:49:00.001-06:00

Hey, here a few thoughts about Mo Madness so far. (For those who do not know, Mo Madness is similar to the NCAA brackets. But, rather than basketball teams, Mo Madness pits classic elements of Mormon culture against each other and allows you to vote and help choose which one will ultimately emerge victorious.)

First, I am surprised to see Fry Sauce leave the tournament so early. While Fry Sauce is undeniably a mayonnaise miracle, it could not take the pressure of Fiber of My Being. Those who wanted to see a dip go far in the tournament, however, can console themselves that Seven-Layer Dip did advance to the next round.

I also would not have guessed that Napoleon Dynamite would have taken out Middle Initials. Sure, if it had been Napoleon L. Dynamite, I could have seen it, but I just did not see plain-old Napoleon Dynamite carrying the day. I was wrong.

One close contest from the last round was between Star Wars Gospel Analogies and J. Golden Kimball. And, [Bleep], J. Golden Kimball bit the dust.

As we enter Round III, remember that of the sixty-four elements of Mormon culture that started this tournament, only sixteen remain. So, each of these has a lot of MoMenteum.

In this round, you will see, among others, Canning vs. White Dress Shirts, Hands that Prepared This Meal vs. Darn It, and Pioneer Trek vs. Family Blog.

To vote in Round III, click here. As you vote, please carefully consider each match up. I do not think that this rises to the level of a duty--being that it is a waste of time--but in my mind, it is friggin' close.

* I will post the results from the last round in the comments section. Feel free to give your take there too.

Mo Madness (Round II)

2009-03-19T12:06:00.003-06:00

We just finished the Round I of Mo Madness. Again, Mo Madness pits classic elements of Mormon culture against each other and allows you to vote to help choose which one will ultimately emerge victorious.

In Round I, there were some surprises. Amazingly, we had two ties. The website randomly ended up selecting John Bytheway over Mitt Romney and The Old Violin over The Cipher in the Snow. (I particularly feel bad for The Cipher in the Snow--more than any other element of Mormon culture, it feels unloved). I was also shocked to see Napoleon Dynamite to take down the mighty BYU Football. I also solute Glenn Beck for pulling an upset over his opponent in the first round (Dentists) despite the fact that I misspelled his name on the bracket. So, way to go Glenn/Glen. We will see how Glenn/Glen does this next round against another very formidable opponent--Pioneer Trek.

Let me highlight a few other exciting match ups we will see in Round II. We will see Refusing Coke pitted against Jell-o Salad, CTR against My Heck, and Scrapbooking against Funeral Potatoes. These are just to name a few. But, I think you get the point: as far as wasting time goes, this is very high stakes.

Over the comments, a couple of people voiced confusion about what criteria they use to guide their votes (i.e., what they liked most, hated most, or seemed the most Mo). Hey, it is a free country, so don't let me sway you too much, but if you most know, my criteria was based on which choice pinged my Mo-dar the loudest. A second piece of guidance that always seems useful: do what is right, let the consequence follow.

There are sixteen match ups in Round II, and you can find them and vote for them here. Game on!

* I will post the results to Round I in the comments section. While viewing them there, feel free to give your take about Round I or anything else.

Will Mormons Like Mo Madness?

2009-03-16T10:14:00.003-06:00

While this is not the first time something like this has been done, I thought in the season of March Madness we should play Mo Madness. Mo Madness pits classic elements of Mormon culture against each other and only one will emerge victorious.

We will fill out the bracket in phases. In each phase, the top vote getter of each pairing will advance to the next round. That means that if you want to see, for example, seven-layer dip, one of the FaMos, or moisture in subsequent rounds, you need to vote. And, remember, if you don't vote, you can't complain. And, actually, if you do vote, you can't complain either.

I could not quite figure out how to set up the pairings into four sets of sixteen, so please for give me that. But, get out the mo-dar and start playing by clicking here.

Game on.

Mormons Are Liking Facebook

2009-03-12T10:53:00.010-06:00

Mormons, like a lot of people, are increasingly spending time on Facebook. And, like a lot of people, Mormons post regular updates on Facebook about their lives in passive voice and refer to themselves in the third person. For example, a Mormon on Facebook would never update, "I find endless uses for cream of mushroom soup." Rather, in Facebook parlance, a Mormon might update, "Kyla is finding endless uses for cream of mushroom soup." In this example, Kyla might enthusiastically also add a second pithy thought: "Yummy!"

Some Mormon updates might overtly tout Mo-hood by mentioning going to church, preparing a primary lesson, going to EFY, or recovering from a pioneer trek. (By the way, does one ever really recover from a pioneer trek?) Still, even when Mormons don't put it out there explicitly, Mormon updates can sound the Mo-dar. Here a few examples actual entries I have seen on Facebook within the past couple of days (names have been changed to preserve friendships--even those that are purely digital in nature):

"LaDonna is writing in her journal."
"Ammon is getting excited to plant a garden."
"Melody is rearranging the pantry. Gotta love caselot sales!"
"Jaxon is lamenting his dead garden."
"Kimball is getting old...shoveling snow wasn't the joy it used to be...his back is aching, that snow was dang heavy."
"LeVarr is drinking Coke out of an orange soda can (never mind why). To some Mormons, this would be the equivalent of whiskey in a brown paper bag."

Other Mormons show their Mo-hood by becoming facebook "fans" of things like Thomas S. Monson or the LDS church. Others, again show a little more subtlety and becomes fans of things like T wilight, the bob haircut, or Fry Sauce.

Mormons love Facebook. It is like Friends in the News, a virtual scrapbook, a mission reunion, and a way to stalk that special somebody in Helaman Halls all rolled up in one.

* You might consider joining a Facebook group of fans of this blog by clicking here. Thanks to Jennifer for setting this up.

Mormons Like Chiropractors

2009-02-25T08:52:00.004-07:00

While Mormons do not completely corner the market as they do in dentistry, Mormons certainly have more their share of bone crushers. The presence of chiropractors in places where Mormons make up a solid chunk of the population (like Utah) is similar to that of organic pot growers in Berkeley.

Of course, places loaded with Mormons would not have so many chiropractors if places loaded with Mormons did not demand their services. What is that draws Mormons to chiropractors?

There seems to be several contributing factors. First, plenty of of Mormons get their backs out of whack because they spend so many of their weekends helping other Mormons move. And, why shouldn't Mormons rely on Mormons when they move? After all, if Mormons were not Mormons, they probably would not have that piano and all that heavy food storage to move.

Second, there is another chunk of Mormons who get injured doing official church activities. Chief among these are injuries related to church basketball: there are those injured when hacked and those injured while hacking. And, then there are those injured while doing actions to songs in Primary. "Once there was a snow---Oh Man! My back!"

Third, other Mormons have bad backs because Mormons spend so much time sitting in church. Three hours of sitting is the bare minimum on any given Sunday. Sometimes, church goes into extra innings, and some Mormons have plenty of other meetings on Sunday that often go by acronyms like PEC but not NCMO.

Lastly, many Mormons go to the chiropractor because--whether it be stress or something else--they are afraid that if they do not go to the chiropractor, they will become stiff necked. And, stiff neckedness is something Mormons really hope to avoid.

Mormons Like Pride and Prejudice

2009-02-17T09:34:00.001-07:00

Of the classics, Mormons are particularly drawn to Pride and Prejudice. The Mormon movie industry has even created Mormon version of Pride and Prejudice with a title that is both uncreative and somewhat embarrassing at the same time: Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy. From this Mormon cinematic achievement, of course we get the memorable line: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a temple recommend, must be in want of a wife... or perhaps several." Well, okay, that memorable line doesn't come from Mormon cinema even if some of us really, really wished it did.

So what is it that draws Mormons to Pride and Prejudice? Is it because it is a well written, witty masterpiece? No, given the degree to which Mormons--particularly Mormon women--love the Twighlight series, it is pretty clear that quality of writing is not a necessary precondition to gaining a place in the Mormon library. Is it because it introduces some themes that Mormons would meet with approval? I grant you that Mormons are keen on the lack of physical intimacy before marriage, a happy ending, and the meaningful relationships among family members, particularly between two sisters (Jane and Elizabeth) and between Elizabeth and her father. But this is not it either. Could it be that it is a love story--and perhaps one of the ultimate love stories--and Mormons are saps for love stories? This is good stuff too, but I do not figure this is it either.

So, what gives? Here are some specific aspects of the story that I think qualify as Mo-bait:

At one point in the book Bingley delivers the following lines to Darcy, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance." When Darcy refuses, Bingley rejoins, "I would not be so fastidious as you are for a kingdom." Generally speaking, Mormons like to dance. And, any Mormon who has been to a church dance, has seen Darcy's type a million times. In today's Mormon parlance, one would say, "Come on! You look like a friggin' idiot. Why don't you dance?"
Mormons love the way Jane Austen uses last names the way people would use first names today. You almost forget that Collins, Darcy, and Bingley are last names. When Mormons name their children they often do the same. Of course, if Jane Austen had used truly proper Mormon names, she may have named them LeCollins, DarCy, and Bingley Coriantumr.
Remember when Mr. Collins is eating with Elizabeth and her family and admits to having arranged "little compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions"? Those who have eaten with Mormons may wonder whether Mormons come up with the words of their prayers on the spot or whether they are the result of previous study. When a Mormon starts blessing "the hands the prepared this meal," one begins to wonder.
In one part of the story, Mr. Bennet has to interrupt one of his daughters from singing because she had sang one song and was starting into another, all without any musical talent or--in fact--abilities. Mormons love singing and often enjoy it when they get to hear other Mormons sing. However, if there was ever a people who has sat through their share of bad musical numbers, it is the Mormons. Mormons can't all be Brooke White. (I think American Idol auditions in Salt Lake City this year pretty much proved that.)
At one of the climaxes of the story, Darcy tells Elizabeth, "In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings for you will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you." At almost every testimony meeting held by Mormons somebody confesses that he or she did not want to get up and talk but was overwhelmed with the impression that he or she should: thus, the microphone is in front of his or her pie hole.
At one point, Elizabeth visits Mr. Darcy's estate, Pemberley. The visit featured Elizabeth and her aunt and uncle looking at painted pictures of those who lived and had lived in Pemberley. Mormons love the family photo.
When Darcy finds out the Elizabeth's youngest sister has ran away with Wickham, he says that he is "shocked." By this point in the book, he is starting to talk like a Mormon. If only he said he was saddened too...
After Lydia marries Wickham, she says she could find all her sisters husbands among the officers at Bath. Married Mormons really dig setting up other Mormons.
At one point, Catherine De Bourgh tells Elizabeth, "This match, to which you have the presumption to aspire, can never take place." It is hard to recognize why this line reaches out to Mormons until one begins to see that in the early 1800s at least in England this is a rough equivalent to talking trash during church ball. "With that game, you couldn't even get home teaching stats."

Mormons may or may not like the line that Mr. Bennet delivers near the end of the book: "For what do we live, but to make sport of our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn." Mormons might not think that laughing at their neighbors--even Mormon neighbors--is a very Mormony thing to do. Well, I think it is. In my mind, so long as Mormons do not do it with a mean spirit and have the willingness to allow others to laugh at them, it is humor that helps keep Mormons sane. At least I hope it is. If not, I am left to wonder whether this blog does more harm than good. So, I hope Mormons can laugh at themselves and kindly laugh at others in their turn. I do.

Mormons Like Lessons

2009-01-13T08:19:00.001-07:00

When Mormons go to church, it is a real effort. Besides meeting as a congregation, Mormons sit through Sunday School and also separate along gender lines and/or ages for another Sunday School-like meeting. Regular Mormon church meetings take about three hours. Many Mormons have various other church meetings beyond these including Family Home Evening, Seminary, Institute, and church leadership meetings, just to name a few. While Mormons have certainly sat through more than their share of bad lessons, apparently many Mormons have decided that sitting through a crummy lesson now and then beats the alternative.

Recently a Mormon friend sent me a picture that he took while at church that illustrates an unexpected alternative to the occasional bad lesson. The picture below shows a sign posted on the door of a Mormon nursery--where he was going to drop off his kid for childcare and a presumably a lesson. This is his picture of the sign:

It struck me that no matter how bad a church lesson is, it is probably better than the lesions that they are giving the kids in my friend's congregation.