Source: Mreeuh Chang

The recent absence of my online presence isn’t exclusively related to being busy or mentally preoccupied. That’s part of it. Another part of it, actually, the biggest part of it, is the recurring struggle I’ve had with allowing myself to be open. I’m set on finding the balance between protecting myself and my life and being an open book. I’d like to share myself in a thoughtful, meaningful way, not recklessly over-share.

Posing this dilemma to a friend, he said, “But the work you do requires you to be honest. All creatives have to be.” It hit me, as it occasionally does at times before disappearing again, that there is something to this process, to this learning and sharing of mine. It isn’t haphazard or reckless; it’s necessary — for me and for whomever my words touch. I forget that my brand of creativity is more specific to how I think and applying understanding to grow. The art that resonates the most is that which is the most honest. My work will only resonate with others when I’m brave enough to open up and share my journey.

So, there it is. I struggle with being open. I struggle with maintaining clarity about my path. But I get it back. I’m here for a purpose and I unfailingly believe in purpose.

I’ll stop being scared. I’ll open up a bit. A few months back, I had a moment, ripe with reminders for myself. Epiphanies flooded me, and as they cascaded, I wrote them on my mirror. The picture above captured the result of that moment. It became a #notetoself I was happy to immortalize.

For years, I’ve been meaning to set aside the time to create a cohesive vision of how I’d like my life to look. Every area: health and fitness, career, finances, emotional life, spiritual life, social life, romantic life, etc. Occasionally, I’ll remind myself that fuzzy targets don’t get hit and when it comes to understanding exactly what I want, there’s often quite a bit of fuzziness.

At the end of the month, I’ll be embarking upon one of the scariest and simultaneously most exciting adventures of my life: I’m taking off to Central America for two and half months. The why is multifold. The timing is just perfect. It’s winter and the only way I enjoy winter is with some sun and warmth; wearing socks indoors and sleeping with hoodies and heating pads isn’t my thing. Additionally, I’m not sure when else all the factors in my life will align perfectly to create another opportunity like this one.

Before I take this journey, I’ve begun to start critically examining my life. There are gaps that need to be closed and the first step is identifying where I am and where I’d like to go. The quote above is helping me maintain my motivation for actually completing this process. It’s my wish that it’s of assistance to you as well.

Here’s a short video of an impromptu interview before he was arrested.

Read more about this here.

This past week gave me the rare opportunity to spend time with a toddler. It was a really affirmative and awakening experience. As I approach the end of my twenties, consideration to marriage and children has landed upon me quite startingly considering the slight opposition I had to them in my early twenties. It wasn’t a staunch opposition; mostly, I just didn’t quite see either for myself. For years, I’d say that down the line, I saw myself with children, but didn’t know how they got there. Lately, that’s been all turned around. Being a great mother and wife are very important to me, despite my singleness. I see myself in an amazing partnership with lots of love for each other and for our child(ren). Being 28, this change of heart isn’t unheard of, even if it did surprise me.

Last week, my oldest friend, Alicia, was in town for a few days with her daughter, Gia, and husband, Gene. We made arrangements for me to babysit oneday so they both could get some work done. This is New York City and most of my friends are single and childless; I don’t babysit often. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I’ve watched a toddler by myself. Still, I was actually really excited.

I awoke Wednesday morning with a mere five or six hours of sleep, but up with a sense of duty: I need to trek it to Manhattan to babysit Gia. Because of her torso wiggle dance, they call her Boogie. I call her Boogie Monster. She doesn’t get the reference, but it still makes her laugh, which makes me laugh.

After four hours of watching Boog by myself, a friend stops by to tag team the babysitting process with me not long before Alicia and Gene return. I spent 13 hours with her before going home and sleeping for 13 hours after that. The next day when I saw Alicia and Gene, I joked that Gia was a higher human being who knew how to consume human energy, while the rest of us feeble humans needed food. Really, after that night, I gained an even greater respect for my friend who works from home and has her daughter with her most of the time. Where does she get the energy? How does she have so much on her plate and make it work?

It’s always interesting to hear why people want to have children. One common reason is to teach, which is an imperative I can understand and relate to. What’s intersting, though, is that there’s so much to learn from children. One of the biggest epiphanies I’ve had came from observing this 13-month old child reaching for any and everything. Babies don’t know what’s good for them or bad for them, and they don’t care. Really, they want what they want. When you intercept and say “no, that’s not good for you,” they cry and have tantrums. Sometimes, it’s a wail of cry from deep down. They’re really invested in what they want and how dare anyone get in the way.

Then I thought about myself. When I don’t get what I want, I may not have a physical tantrum, but I may have an emotional one. My attitude can instantly turn pissy as I experience my fit of frustration. Just like a child’s. Just like a 13-month old baby. But I’m an “adult”. Acting quite similar to a child. Maybe what I want and don’t get is something I don’t need. Or something I’m not ready for. Perhaps what I really need is something I don’t want at all.

The Boogie Monster taught me that I need to grow up and be patient. As a baby, she’s allowed a phase for tantrums, but that period for me has long since passed. To purport to believe that everything has a purpose and then to act out because I don’t get what I want is incongruent.

As much as I like to fancy the idea of children right now, those 13 hours were pivotal in letting me know how much I’d like to get done before I have to make that sort of lifetime commitment. Children are amazing and as much as possible, I really want to be ready. And mature. Having the time, money, and energy to dedicate to implementing the vision of parenting I have is now of the utmost importance. I have to grow to grow up.

Related:

• surrender.

Without a doubt, life has revealed the presence of this flow, this movement, this protection. Lately, I’ve been getting just what I need, whether it’s a momentary break from the imminent stormy weather long enough to see me through a beautiful, dry bike ride to work, music that makes me smile or puts me face-to-face with myself, a kind word, or a highly unlikely situation that restores my spirit and inspires me. Even with the challenges that accompany life, lately I’ve been feeling even more inspired, more in-tune, more connected to the magic and wonder this world offers. And I’m so very apreciative of it.

This snippet of Oprah’s Master Class where she discusses how The Color Purple taught her about the importance the role surrender plays in the process of getting what you want. It was so amazing and powerful, I wanted to share the entire videos from which the snippet was excerpted. If these videos are too much for you to commit to, please do watch this. It’s much shorter, yet incredibly powerful and inspiring.

Returning to the idea presented in today’s #notetoself, “God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you ever could for yourself.” Thanks, Oprah.

Best wishes on your journey.

love&light…

In analyzing myself, I’ve noticed how much I give my opinion. Without request. “There it is, I’ll give it to you.” While I appreciate the boldness, albeit blind, and openness of it, I’m just one person of nearly seven billion. I certainly don’t want to know everyone’s opinion on everything because…I don’t care. And, in most cases, unless someone asks me, they don’t care about mine.

Hmmm.

I need to humble myself. In fact, I’m about to. I’m going to see what happens when I focus on only saying what’s necessary. If it doesn’t improve upon silence, must it be said?

Enter the silence.

Image source

i’ve been listening to a lot of jazz. it’s taken over my life, and i couldn’t be happier about it. it started with the ipod shuffle to a robert glasper song. made me realize i needed a live show in my life. this was a tuesday night. the first venue i looked up was the jazz standard. how about the robert glasper trio is playing there the following thursday to sunday?

floored.

now i’m experiencing an amazing domino effect. look at robert glasper’s twitter feed, find an interview of his bandmate, trumpeter ambrose akinmusire. fall in love with akin musire’s music. on a youtube search for akinmusire’s “ruby”, i find about a trio called pascal’s triangle, led by pianist pascal le boeuf. looking at pascal’s work, i discover he’s a twin (being a twin, i have a special affinity for them. ). he has two albums with his brother, remy, and they’re both pretty cool. the composition is really interesting and emotive. they’re incredibly talented in their arrangements and playing, especially to only be in their early twenties.

the le boeuf brothers’ first album was house without a door and the video above is the title track. the one below is “wetaskiwin”.

absolutely. friggin. insane. not just these songs, but the album in its entirety.

feel the love.

the concept of mastery always comes to mind when i’m taken by incredible talent that’s obviously been fostered and developed into skill. it inspires me. hobbies and interests should be taken to the level of craft. all of them won’t, but at least one of them must.

i’m starting to read george leonard’s mastery: the keys to success and long-term fulfillment. so far, it’s a pretty good read.

time to practice to perfection.

“Confessions to My Unborn Daughter” is my absolute favorite song right now. It makes me want to start a journal to eventually give to my (currently nonexistent) children after I use it as my own parenting guide. Listening to it may not necessarily make you feel like doing the same, but it will make you feel, if not feel good. Enjoy.

The video above is “Dreams Of The Manbaniese” from Akinmusire’s first album, Prelude … to Cora.