What NOT To Do

#273 Private Information is Private for a Reason

2009-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

City officials in Bozeman, Montana, seemed to think that city employees should have nothing to hide. On employment applications, they demanded that prospective employees list their user names and passwords to "personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo, YouTube.com, MySpace, etc." After local media reported the demands, the city backed down.

I'd have loved to have been in the meeting where they decided that this was acceptable to try and require.

That and I'd love to have one of those applications to fill out just to point at it and laugh my ass off.

There is, simply no possible rationalization for a prospective employee to be required to supply private access information to online sites.

Rule #273 is Private Information is Private for a Reason

#271 Don't Coddle Scum

2009-06-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Suspected gang member arrested with gun a day after he was sentenced to jail for gang fight in which someone got stabbed and badly beaten.

And this kid was out looking for trouble the day after his sentencing to a slap on the wrist 180 day work furlough.

Gang bangers need to get sent to prison whenever possible and deported if at all possible. Get rid of the scum, clean up the streets and quit coddling these punks because IT ISN'T WORKING.

Rule #271 is Don't Coddle Scum

#270 Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

2009-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

SC governor admits affair, secret Argentina trip

Let's recap for those reading this from under a rock. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina disappeared for seven days. He didn't tell his staff, his wife or his family where he was going. He mentioned he might go hiking so that's what his staff said he was doing. Instead, it turns out this bastion of Republican "family values" had flown to Argentina to screw his mistress.

I hope the sex was beyond awesome because his political life is, effectively, over and entirely deservedly so. His marriage should be over to but that's not for me to decide, if his wife has even a teaspoon of self esteem then they'll rake his skanky ass over the public coals and get a huge settlement out of him.

And, in the end, another powerful man is brought down by his cock and his inability to control it.

Rule #270 is Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

#269 Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Pratts Banned From U.S. Network after putting the option to a vote, E! heard loud and clear with 94% of votes saying to never mention either of the two morons on the channel again.

If only it were possible to extend the ban to all media and forget about them forever.

"We really didn't know which way it would go. They're a controversial couple, and we didn't know if people were done with them or not. But we went into it knowing that whatever they decided, we would do. We're prepared to live by the vote.

To which I loudly applaud from my feet. I despise these two insipid egoists and hope they fall down a well and have to eat each other to survive (though I'm pretty sure silicone has little to no nutritional value).

Rule #269 is Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

#268 Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

2009-06-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Upstate NY school board president ‘regularly’ sends offensive e-mails.

Now, here's the thing, I know there are assholes who think that being racist is some kind of twisted cute or funny or acceptable. I know there are assholes who think that being offensive is humorous. I know that isn't going to change in my lifetime.

But using your professional email to forward hate-based emails to other people is not only offensive, its stupid and could even expose your company or school in this case to lawsuits.

If you truly feel the need to spread hate then you should probably do it from the relative privacy of your personal email and not doing it from work/school computers on their servers.

You could also examine why you are such a complete and utter asshat, Mr. Robert J. Weller, but I'm not holding my breath. The emails aren't funny or appropriate and basically paint you as a big, fat, white racist shitbag, I hope your wife and children are thoroughly ashamed of you and that your colleagues shun you and that you cry yourself to sleep every night now that you've been outed as the scumbag you are. I hope but you've probably surrounded yourself with other racist pricks who think being hateful is funny.

Rule #268 is Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

#267 Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

2009-06-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Family axes wedding plans, Egyptian cuts off penis.

Who gets taught the lesson here? The parents who are sickened by their son's mutilation of his genitals or the son who now's gone from being a man to being a eunuch? Not to mention how excrutiatingly painful it must have been to slice off your own cock.

What else could he have done? Eloped, moved out of his house, defied his parents. But no, he cut off his own penis. Seems more than a little bit extreme to me.

Rule #267 is Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

#266 Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

2009-05-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Zoo settles with brothers in tiger attack for $900,000. Recall that this attack was instigated by the two brothers and their friend while drunk and stoned. The tiger got pissed off enough to jump out of its enclosure, kill one of the three and slash one of the brothers before the cops had to shoot it to death.

And these two brothers get awarded nearly a million bucks for being douchebags?

I'm sure the majority of this settlement will go straight to their lawyers but neither of these two boys deserve a penny for their direct hand in taunting a wild animal and being a direct cause of their friend's death.

If there is any karmic justice in the world then both of them will suffer nightmares for the rest of their pathetic and wasted lives.

Rule #266 is Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

#265 Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette

2009-05-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Motorcyclist being chased by CHP dies in crash

There are very few good endings to stories about people who run from the cops. You either get chased by a massive contingent of police officers who catch you or you crash and get seriously hurt or killed. It is the rare case when someone runs from the cops and gets away.

In this case, the guy got lit up by the rollers at 2 in the morning, he decided to try and run and ended up eating a fire hydrant at high speed. He died because he chose poorly. Learn from his mistake and don't try to run from the cops. You break the law, you get caught, take your lumps and live to live another day.

Rule #265 is Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette

#264 In Communist China, Government Smokes You

2009-05-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

Officials in China, that bastion of human rights abuses, have decreed that teachers and government works must Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette made from locally produced tobacco to boost demand. Failing to comply or, horrors, smoking a rival brand means they will get fined.

Seriously, a state agency is mandating that people ingest poison in order to boost the economy.

Here's the original article.

Any government that thinks they can force its people to smoke, for whatever reason, is seriously out of control, drunk with power and detrimental to humanity as a whole.

Why not turn those tobacco fields into something actually useful for mankind, like food crops? Mandating smoking is like mandating crossing the street with your eyes, its just plain stupid and wrong.

Rule #264 is In Communist China, Government Smokes You

#263 Don't Taser Children, Even with Parental Permission

2009-05-18T10:22:00.000-07:00

Walter Schmidt, a former Florida corrections officer seemed to think using a taser on children is okay so long as the parents have given permission to do so. He's since been fired for using a taser on at least two children during a "Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work" event. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Tase Your Daughters At Work Day

Rule #263 is Don't Taser Children, Even with Parental Permission

#262 Set Bail Higher on 3 Strikes Defendants

2009-05-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

Damien Bell is facing a three strikes conviction that could send him to prison for a minimum of 25 years and a maximum of life.

And yet, bail on his case where he lured Craigslist car seekers to rural locations and then robbed them was set at a pretty paltry $50,000. And, when his court arrived he was nowhere to be found.

Read the full (short) story, From online to on the lam.

Seems to me like someone dropped the ball and cut him loose too easily and now he's gone to ground so it'll cost a ton of money and manpower to find him and then throw his ass in prison.

Rule #262 is Set Bail Higher on 3 Strikes Defendants

#261 Pranks Involving BB Guns Rarely End Well

2009-05-14T10:48:00.000-07:00

45 drivers now report BB shootings on I-680

These incidents are very likely being committed by some kids who thought it'd be funny to shoot at passing cars with a BB gun on the assumption that, since its a BB gun, it can't really do any real harm.

They'd be wrong.

Whoever is doing this is going to get caught and is going to end up going to jail. Deservedly so because they are seriously endangering people by plinking their cars.

A window that explodes due to a BB impacting it when the car is going 70 miles an hour could very easily cause the driver to lose control and wreck. And if someone gets badly hurt or even killed then this idiot or idiots faces a long prison term for a really stupid prank.

Rule #261 is Pranks Involving BB Guns Rarely End Well

#260 Don't Point ANY Weapon at the Cops

2009-05-12T08:35:00.000-07:00

Unless he was trying to commit police-assisted suicide (which is, seemingly, the case here) there is never going to be a good outcome of pointing a weapon, any weapon, at the cops.

Man shot by Oakley police was pointing BB gun and got shot dead as a result.

If he wanted to die then he's a chickenshit for forcing the police to kill him and putting the onus of his death on other people. He made someone kill him because he couldn't do it himself. That sucks.

Rule #260 is Don't Point ANY Weapon at the Cops

#259 Apply Some Common Sense

2009-05-07T09:25:00.000-07:00

Grandma Arrested for Child Porn because she took some film to Wal-Mart (mistake #1) to be processed. The film happened to be of her 3 year old grand daughter in and just getting out of a bath.

The charges were dropped a mere 15 months later.

I don't get where the distribution of child pornography charge comes from but the producing one kind of, sort of makes sense in bizarro, way-too-uptight world.

I get the underlying desire to protect children from sexual predation. I get that. But prosecuting a grandmother for taking cute pictures of her granddaughter does absolutely nothing to protect children. It makes criminals out of relatives.

The main issue in this case is that the application of the law is subjective. An uptight, closeted pervert DA sees porn where a normal person sees a cute kid. The law isn't supposed to be subjective, it is supposed to be objective, clear and easy to understand. But it isn't and that's why cases like this are so thorny.

I've blocked people on Flickr who have favorited photos of my children when they have no profile, no photos of their own and every single other photo they've favorited is of children. I'm not unsympathetic to the DA's mindset but there comes a time when common sense should dictate the intention behind a photo. Does he really think Grandma Dull was getting off on this picture? Maybe that's why he's gone into private practice, because he's a friggin' moron.

Rule #259 is Apply Some Common Sense

#258 Let Go of Your Rage

2009-05-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

Driver's Ed -

Joshua Shawn Beaver says two boys riding a school bus "flipped him off," so he followed the bus to East Bank Middle School in Charleston, West Virginia. He asked the bus driver if he could come on board and identify the boy. The bus driver let him on, and Beaver allegedly "smacked" a 14-year-old boy. Beaver has been charged with felony assault of a child near a school. School officials said the driver should not have let Beaver on the bus.

So, rather than just letting it slide, Joshua Shawn Beaver is very likely going to spend some time in prison for assaulting a kid with added time because it was near a school. I'm sure he thought he was going to teach that kid a lesson about giving him the finger or something but, in reality, the lesson will be given to Joshua Shawn Beaver in the form of jail time for being a dumbass.

Rule #258 is Let Go of Your Rage

#257 Do Not Use the Law Like an Intimidation Club

2009-04-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

Students Sue Prosector in Cellphone Photos Case in which the DA is charging her with "sexting", sending nude or seminude photos from and to cellphones.

The only thing is that the photo isn't pornographic and he's attempting to charge her with a crime and to send her to flippin' prison. He lied in his threats by saying they had a full-bodied naked photo of her when they did not in an attempt to scare her into agreeing to a plea.

DA George P. Skumanick (nice name, Skummy!) of Wyoming County is considering filing a charge of sexual abuse of a minor against Marissa Miller and her friend, Grace Kelly, for a two year old photo of them at a slumber party in their bras. Not nude, not full frontal, sitting bras which are quite alot like bikini tops.

This is a pretty clear case of a DA overstepping his duties and using the law like a big ol' scare club to frighten kids into signing plea deals.

I understand and agree that the practice of sexting is a disturbing trend but this kind of over-reaction and abuse of power does nothing to help prevent sexting, it does, however, go a long way towards undermining the laws of the land because they are being applied to heavily and without real consideration for the facts.

There is also the misrepresentation of the evidence in an attempt to coerce Miller's hand. Seems like a very clear abuse of power and I hope Skumanick is brought before a Bar Board to defend his over-the-top actions. There is simply no justification for such heavy-handed coercion.

Rule #257 in Do Not Use the Law Like an Intimidation Club

#256 Don't Flip Your Boss' Ferrari

2009-04-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

Woman flips boss' Ferrari on Bear Creek Road and causes a mere $125,000 worth of damage.

I'm thinking she's not getting a raise this year.

Rule #256 is Don't Flip Your Boss' Ferrari

#255 Do Not Celebrate Child Raping Cop Killers' Despicable Lives

2009-03-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

Cop-killer suspected of raping 12-year-old.

Lovelle Mixon murdered four Oakland police officers the day after his DNA linked him to a February abduction and rape of a 12 year old girl. He's also been linked to at least 5 other rapes.

And yet there are people in Oakland holding candlelight vigils for this piece of shit. There are people trying to use his worthless life as a rallying point against "police terror". There are some trying to say his killing spree was payback for the killing of Oscar Grant.

There are an awful lot of people that are complete and utter fucking idiots.

There is nothing about this guy that is laudable, there is nothing about his life that isn't a cautionary tale on what not to do. He is and was a scumbag who should have been locked up and kept away from society. Instead, he went out in a blaze of gory, murdering four policemen before being shot to death himself.

And there are fools celebrating his life? That's not just sad and pathetic, its wrong.

Rule #255 is Do Not Celebrate Child Raping Cop Killers' Despicable Lives

#254 If the Answer is to Rape Your Children, You Are Asking the Wrong Question

2009-03-19T08:31:00.000-07:00

Father, mystic held for allegedly raping daughters because the mystic said the father would prosper financially if he did. Which is, of course, ridiculous and a bullshit justification for raping children.

How are those financial problems now? I'm guessing your problems just got much, much worse since you're now facing life in prison.

Rule #254 is If the Answer is to Rape Your Children, You Are Asking the Wrong Question

#253 Do Not Charge Victims $25k for Justice

2009-03-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

A Woman's Worth

An Iranian court has found a man identified as Majid guilty of blinding Ameneh Bahrami by throwing acid in her face after she after she spurned his advances. Under the nation's Islamic law, Majid will himself be blinded, but because the law says a woman is not worth as much as a man, he will be blinded only in one eye. However, if Bahrami pays $25,110, the court will allow him to be blinded in both eyes.

You read that right, the court wants the victim to pay $25,000 for justice. Because she's a woman and therefore less valuable than a man according to Islamic law.

Which is to say, Islamic law is fucking stupid. This isn't an eye for an eye for two eyes for an eye. And it wants the victim to pay for justice. There is so much wrong here that it just about defies logic or comprehension.

Rule #253 is Do Not Charge Victims $25k for Justice

#252 Do Not Recreate Fight Club with Mentally Disabled Patients

2009-03-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

Fight club bouts probed at home for the retarded (the correct term is, by the way, mentally handicapped or disabled).

The seven scumbags who organized this should spend their lives in prison fighting to protect their own despicable asses. I am so thoroughly disgusted at the depravity exhibited here. It is just sad.

Rule #252 is Do Not Recreate Fight Club with Mentally Disabled Patients

#251 Don't Eat Wild Mushrooms

2009-03-10T08:58:00.000-07:00

Elderly man dies after eating wild mushrooms.

I'm sorry for the guy but it seems incredibly stupid and avoidable to not die this way. It is simply too easy to accidentally pick poisonous mushrooms and get really, really sick or to die.

And it isn't worth it. Mushrooms cost, what? Three or four bucks a pound?

Rule #251 is Don't Eat Wild Mushrooms

#250 Demanding Proof of a Ridiculous Overcharge is, of itself, Ridiculous

2009-03-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

Paypal Charges $81 Billion To Fill Your Gas Tank... Demands Proof It Didn't Cost That Much

The guy spent $26 to fill his tank, PayPal then charged him $81 billion and then demanded he prove that it was a mistake.

Let's take this slow.

How much is $81 billion in gas? At $2.25 a gallon, that's around 36 billion gallons of gas. Which is to say, that's about 2.4 billion times larger than the average gas tank.

And the jackasses at PayPal tried to argue with him about the charge? Do they smoke crack at PayPal? Or are they just incredibly, incredibly stupid?

Rule #250 is Demanding Proof of a Ridiculous Overcharge is, of itself, Ridiculous

#249 Think Before You Attack with a Bat

2009-03-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

Wash. mother gets 3 months for attacking sex felon with a baseball bat. She thought he'd molested her girls but he had not and she attacked him with an aluminum baseball bat.

While I can relate to the protection instinct, this was the wrong way to deal with it and she's lucky she isn't spending years behind bars (where she can't, by the way, protect her two girls) rather than a mere three months.

This guy may be the scum of the earth but, in this case, he did nothing wrong and was assaulted without justification.

Rule #249 is Think Before You Attack with a Bat

#248 Zero Tolerance Shouldn't Be Zero-Intelligence

2009-02-25T16:19:00.000-08:00

Devon Smith, 14, has been suspended from Northland High School in Columbus, Ohio, and could be expelled. Smith shot a foam Nerf dart at a friend, and school officials say that violated the school's zero-tolerance policy on weapons.

I understand that rules are rules and you have to enforce them but this is beyond stupid and borders on ridiculous.

Next thing we'll hear about a kid getting suspended for making a gun shape with his fingers and pointing it at another kid.

People need to interpret the rules through the lens of intelligence. A nerf foam dart poses zero threat and a nerf gun is not a weapon. Weapons can cause damage. Stupid school officials look like idiots.

Rule #248 is Zero Tolerance Shouldn't Be Zero-Intelligence