What NOT To Do

#290 Don't Bugger Animals

2009-11-04T14:44:00.000-08:00

SC man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse. Rodell Vereen got the sentence after pleading guilty for the second time in two years to having sex with the horse. The same horse.

Pretty safe to say that Rodell has some sort of a problem. Or that is one of the hottest horses known. But much, much more likely, he's got a screw or two loose. Or, in the words of Rashad Evans from last week's The Ultimate Fighter, that guy's cheese has fallen off the cracker.

Rule #290 is Don't Bugger Animals

#289 Sober Up After You Get a DWI

2009-10-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

Utica woman arrested for DWI twice in a night, five hours after getting busted for drunk driving and drug possession, Talitha Gorea was busted once again for drunk driving.

Which is to say, she has a problem with alcohol, drugs and an inability to understand why laws are in place. They aren't to punish people they are to protect other people from your incredible stupidity and selfishness.

Seriously, before you go and get back in the car after getting a DWI (or DUI out here in California) you should probably take a good long nap, sober up, get something to eat and give some serious thought to just what the fuck you are doing with your life.

Rule #289 is Sober Up After You Get a DWI

#288 Don't Beat Lessons Into Kids

2009-10-09T16:26:00.000-07:00

Dad guilty of abusing son who stole juice box by forcing him to drink so many juice boxes that he puked and then got out his belt and beat the kid, who by the way, is mentally disabled, on his back and butt.

This is beyond ridiculous and borders on the psychotic. The boy didn't learn anything except to be afraid of his father and his temper.

Just awful and very, very sad.

Rule #288 is Don't Beat Lessons Into Kids

#287 Sword Beats Bare Hand

2009-10-09T15:50:00.000-07:00

College student with sword kills burglary suspect after his house had already been burgled early in the day. I wish I had some sympathy for the burglar but he had no business stealing from the student and ended up paying the ultimate price for his life of crime.

Live by the steal, die by the sword. Better luck next time around.

Rule #287 is Sword Beats Bare Hand

#286 Don't Coddle Thugs

2009-09-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

Teenager jailed after attacking 15-year-old boys and filming "torture" video on his mobile

Ricardo Poli is a thug and a punk. He picked on younger boys, he abused them, he filmed it for his viewing pleasure after the fact and already has a record of similar behavior. He's also been busted toting a sawed off shotgun which is utterly useless except for killing people.

He's 18 now, time to send this piece of shit to prison for the next 15 or 20 years.

Rule #286 is Don't Coddle Thugs

#285 Cops, Don't Shoot the Fire Chief, Especially Not in Court

2009-09-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

Fire chief shot by cop in Ark. court over tickets. Basically, there are too many cops in a small town of less than 200 people. The cops spend all their time giving out tickets and people are tired of the bullshit.

The Fire Chief was in court for the second time that day and got into an argument with one of the cops who, eventually, got so pissed off at the Fire Chief that he pulled out his gun and shot him. No, he didn't kill him (which is kind of crazy given how close they must have been) and, as a result, the police ~~farce~~ force has been temporarily suspended.

The whole thing is one giant ClusterWTF.

Rule #285 is Cops, Don't Shoot the Fire Chief, Especially Not in Court

#284 Consider the Consequences

2009-09-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

Stranger accused of slapping crying child at store at least four times after he "warned" the 2 year old's mother that she had better shut her up. So this cranky 61 year old moron named Roger Stephens lays hands on someone else's child (note, I don't think its okay for someone to slap their own child) in order to teach that kid a lesson.

And he is the one who is going to get the painful lesson for his utter assholery. And yes, he does look like a real peach of an guy.

The odd part is that he somehow expected that slapping a child was going to quiet her down and even commented afterwards "See, I told you I would shut her up." But when he hit her, the little girl started screaming. How is that shutting her up?

No matter, one cranky asshole is going to prison for felony cruelty to children. I'm sure he'll be very well received by the other inmates.

Rule #284 is Consider the Consequences

#283 Don't Throw Dogs into Ravines

2009-09-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

Teen pleads guilty to tossing Chihuahua puppy into ravine, faces jail time.

The story is that this kid, Andrew Ariola Corpus, was drunk and playing with the dog, the dog nipped him so he stuffed it in a box and threw it in a ravine.

Which is to say, he's a piece of shit angry teenage drunk. I hope he gets the maximum sentence of a year in prison and realizes that being a mean douchebag of a human being is a shortcut to a really crappy life.

The dog was found five days later and was mostly okay just hungry, covered in ticks (eww) and cold.

Have you ever noticed that people tend to do some pretty stupid things when they're drunk? Jimmy Buffett has a song with a chorus of "A permanent reminder of a temporary feeling," that sums up the in-the-moment stupidity that will likely lead to this kid spending a year of his life behind bars for being a drunk dumbass.

Rule #283 is Don't Throw Dogs into Ravines

#282 Uhh, Don't Go for a Walk in Passaic, New Jersey?

2009-08-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

New Jersey police officer pounds man on tape for, apparently, doing nothing but going for a walk in his neighborhood.

The cop apparently just jumped out of the car, never said a word to him (his partner had spoken to him) and just laid into him with his fists and baton. Then they threw him in a jail cell for the night and neglected to treat his injuries which included a torn cornea.

All because he went for a walk. Which is, of course, pretty fucked up. I guess I'll be crossing Passaic, New Jersey off my potential vacation destinations (oh wait, it was never on it to begin with). And, oh yeah, Officer Joseph R. Rios III? You're doing a fine job of upholding the law by beating an unarmed man with your baton. You should be fired at the very least and possibly prosecuted for wanton brutality.

Rule #282 is Uhh, Don't Go for a Walk in Passaic, New Jersey?

#281 Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

2009-08-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

Manager of Santa Cruz sober living environment suspected of dealing meth after they raided his house and found $1000 in methamphetamine.

Donald Peter is a low life preying on people who are trying to clean up their lives. Rather than do his job and support them, he sold them nasty drugs and now gets to go spend a good long time in prison. I hope there are some special circumstances charges that get added so that he gets a longer sentence.

Would I care so much if he'd been selling them pot? Probably not but I'm sympathetic to marijuana and have seen, firsthand, what meth does to people. It is a horrible, disgusting drug.

Rule #281 is Don't Prey on Addicts to Sell Drugs

#280 Just Fix It and Don't Make Such a Fuss

2009-08-23T08:53:00.001-07:00

Reddit, Sears, Grills That Cook Babies... And The Streisand Effect

Okay, so there was some munged up code on a Sears web page. It read Human Cooking -> Grills to Cook Babies and More -> Body Part Roaster.

Which is kind of funny, kind of sick but mostly harmless. When the story was posted on Reddit, Sears exerted great pressure and forced Reddit to remove the thread. The removal caused a massive uproar and, rather than just fixing the exploit and moving on, Sears has opened a great big can of Stupid on themselves.

Learn from other's mistakes, Sears. This could have easily been avoided if you'd just dealt with it.

Rule #280 is Just Fix It and Don't Make Such a Fuss

#279 Assumptions Makes Asses of People

2009-08-09T23:32:00.000-07:00

Walk Steady

Royal Newfoundland Constabulary Chief Joe Browne says the department will apologize for detaining Dane Spurrell. Police saw Spurrell walking along the road and assumed he was drunk because of the way he walked. He was not drunk. He is autistic.

#279 Assumptions Makes Asses of People

#278 Don't Go To Jail Over Condiments

2009-08-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dispute over condiments leads to arrest at Surprise KFC

Monique Aguet was pissed because the KFC employees had messed up her order. She went in to shout her displeasure, they ordered her to leave and followed her out to take down her license plate. When she tried to back out, the employee struck her trunk, she still tried to back out. And now, her final tally includes a misdemeanor disorderly conduct and a stupid, stupid, stupid felony count of aggravated assault.

Smooth move, Monique. You think they've got condiments for your stupid ass in prison?

The funniest thing is that many of the comments are from people in the area who all seem to agree that the service at that KFC is terrible and that they would have done worse. Seems like a lovely town, that Surprise, Arizona.

Rule #278 is Don't Go To Jail Over Condiments

#277 Don't Threaten Bullies with Baton Sodomy, Officer

2009-08-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Scared Straight

What should a police officer do when a 14-year-old boy allegedly knocks a younger boy off his bike and punches him? He probably shouldn't threaten to sodomize him with his baton. But that's allegedly what Senior Constable Matthew Lake did in Australia. The boy secretly recorded Lake telling him if he heard of him doing anything like that again he would shove the baton "so far up your a—you won't know what day it is."

I hope the kid's family sues him and gets the cop fired. Its clear that the kid was a jerk for knocking the other, smaller kid off his bike but that in no way should have given the cop the right to threaten him so violently.

Rule #277 is Don't Threaten Bullies with Baton Sodomy, Officer

#276 Don't Get So Fat You Can Hide Stuff Under Your Fat Layers

2009-08-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

Inmate Hides Gun In Fat Layers

George Vera weighs a robust 600 pounds and was able to secrete not a tiny derringer but a full sized 9mm AND two magazines. The article does not state whether he was also hiding a small cache of food being slow cooked by his body heat.

They don't say what this poster child for 20 something diabetes and heart disease was arrested for but I somehow doubt it was for parking tickets.

Rule #276 is Don't Get So Fat You Can Hide Stuff Under Your Fat Layers

#275 Don't Teach Someone A Lesson By Trying to Murder Them

2009-07-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

Police: Asheville Firefighter Shot Bicyclist because he was riding with his child on a busy road. The bullet penetrated the cyclist's helmet but did not injure him.

And now, the lesson shall be taught to Mr. Charles Alexander Diez. The lesson is, don't shoot somebody in the expectation that you will teach them anything except for the obvious fact that you're an unbalanced nimrod who shouldn't be allowed to own guns or live freely. Both of which are going to be taken care of when you are tried and found guilty of attempted murder and sentenced to a long stay in the pokey.

The ridiculousness of Diez's extreme over-reaction is quelled slightly by the fact that he was unsuccessful in trying to kill the cyclist. Which, think about it, what lesson was he going to send to the cyclist's child who was on the bike with his father when Diez shot him? The whole story is just totally whacked.

Rule #275 is Don't Teach Someone A Lesson By Trying to Murder Them

#274 Don't Access Child Porn, Especially on Public Computers

2009-07-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Man arrested at downtown Santa Cruz library, suspected of accessing child pornography.

Congratulations, Steve Jerome Hibbett, you're a moron and a degenerate. You not only like to look at pictures of children in compromising positions but you're stupid enough to do this in a public place where your actions could be and should be monitored.

My guess is that you will get a good long prison sentence that you, to be honest, richly deserve. You are part of the problems in the world, you are the lowest common denominator and your removal from society will make the world a better place. Enjoy prison, you will likely spend the rest of your miserable and disgusting life there.

Rule #274 is Don't Access Child Porn, Especially on Public Computers

#273 Private Information is Private for a Reason

2009-07-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

Enter Your Password

City officials in Bozeman, Montana, seemed to think that city employees should have nothing to hide. On employment applications, they demanded that prospective employees list their user names and passwords to "personal or business websites, web pages or memberships on any Internet-based chat rooms, social clubs or forums, to include, but not limited to: Facebook, Google, Yahoo, YouTube.com, MySpace, etc." After local media reported the demands, the city backed down.

I'd have loved to have been in the meeting where they decided that this was acceptable to try and require.

That and I'd love to have one of those applications to fill out just to point at it and laugh my ass off.

There is, simply no possible rationalization for a prospective employee to be required to supply private access information to online sites.

Rule #273 is Private Information is Private for a Reason

#271 Don't Coddle Scum

2009-06-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

Suspected gang member arrested with gun a day after he was sentenced to jail for gang fight in which someone got stabbed and badly beaten.

And this kid was out looking for trouble the day after his sentencing to a slap on the wrist 180 day work furlough.

Gang bangers need to get sent to prison whenever possible and deported if at all possible. Get rid of the scum, clean up the streets and quit coddling these punks because IT ISN'T WORKING.

Rule #271 is Don't Coddle Scum

#270 Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

2009-06-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

SC governor admits affair, secret Argentina trip

Let's recap for those reading this from under a rock. Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina disappeared for seven days. He didn't tell his staff, his wife or his family where he was going. He mentioned he might go hiking so that's what his staff said he was doing. Instead, it turns out this bastion of Republican "family values" had flown to Argentina to screw his mistress.

I hope the sex was beyond awesome because his political life is, effectively, over and entirely deservedly so. His marriage should be over to but that's not for me to decide, if his wife has even a teaspoon of self esteem then they'll rake his skanky ass over the public coals and get a huge settlement out of him.

And, in the end, another powerful man is brought down by his cock and his inability to control it.

Rule #270 is Remind Your Penis Who's In Charge

#269 Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Pratts Banned From U.S. Network after putting the option to a vote, E! heard loud and clear with 94% of votes saying to never mention either of the two morons on the channel again.

If only it were possible to extend the ban to all media and forget about them forever.

"We really didn't know which way it would go. They're a controversial couple, and we didn't know if people were done with them or not. But we went into it knowing that whatever they decided, we would do. We're prepared to live by the vote.

To which I loudly applaud from my feet. I despise these two insipid egoists and hope they fall down a well and have to eat each other to survive (though I'm pretty sure silicone has little to no nutritional value).

Rule #269 is Remember That Controversial Can Be Code For You're A Douchebag

#268 Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

2009-06-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

Upstate NY school board president ‘regularly’ sends offensive e-mails.

Now, here's the thing, I know there are assholes who think that being racist is some kind of twisted cute or funny or acceptable. I know there are assholes who think that being offensive is humorous. I know that isn't going to change in my lifetime.

But using your professional email to forward hate-based emails to other people is not only offensive, its stupid and could even expose your company or school in this case to lawsuits.

If you truly feel the need to spread hate then you should probably do it from the relative privacy of your personal email and not doing it from work/school computers on their servers.

You could also examine why you are such a complete and utter asshat, Mr. Robert J. Weller, but I'm not holding my breath. The emails aren't funny or appropriate and basically paint you as a big, fat, white racist shitbag, I hope your wife and children are thoroughly ashamed of you and that your colleagues shun you and that you cry yourself to sleep every night now that you've been outed as the scumbag you are. I hope but you've probably surrounded yourself with other racist pricks who think being hateful is funny.

Rule #268 is Don't Be a Hateful Douchebag from your Work Email

#267 Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

2009-06-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Family axes wedding plans, Egyptian cuts off penis.

Who gets taught the lesson here? The parents who are sickened by their son's mutilation of his genitals or the son who now's gone from being a man to being a eunuch? Not to mention how excrutiatingly painful it must have been to slice off your own cock.

What else could he have done? Eloped, moved out of his house, defied his parents. But no, he cut off his own penis. Seems more than a little bit extreme to me.

Rule #267 is Don't Self-Mutilate to Teach Someone a Lesson

#266 Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

2009-05-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Zoo settles with brothers in tiger attack for $900,000. Recall that this attack was instigated by the two brothers and their friend while drunk and stoned. The tiger got pissed off enough to jump out of its enclosure, kill one of the three and slash one of the brothers before the cops had to shoot it to death.

And these two brothers get awarded nearly a million bucks for being douchebags?

I'm sure the majority of this settlement will go straight to their lawyers but neither of these two boys deserve a penny for their direct hand in taunting a wild animal and being a direct cause of their friend's death.

If there is any karmic justice in the world then both of them will suffer nightmares for the rest of their pathetic and wasted lives.

Rule #266 is Don't Taunt Wild Animals While Drunk and Stoned

#265 Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette

2009-05-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

Motorcyclist being chased by CHP dies in crash

There are very few good endings to stories about people who run from the cops. You either get chased by a massive contingent of police officers who catch you or you crash and get seriously hurt or killed. It is the rare case when someone runs from the cops and gets away.

In this case, the guy got lit up by the rollers at 2 in the morning, he decided to try and run and ended up eating a fire hydrant at high speed. He died because he chose poorly. Learn from his mistake and don't try to run from the cops. You break the law, you get caught, take your lumps and live to live another day.

Rule #265 is Running From the Police Equals Russian Roulette