what now, amber?

the beatles were right

2009-02-21T20:10:00.001-08:00

all you need is love.

love got me and my boyfriend through a very tumultuous 3 and a half years. in such a short amount of time, he and i have experienced many unique ups and downs; more than average couples experience i'd say. yet, to this day we are thrilled to receive the simplest text message from each other.

because of our love and the potential it brings to both of our lives, he is moving in with me in may! i can't wait until he is here with me. it has been a year since we've started the long distance thing and we are both SOO over it that it makes us want to scream.

i am so in love with my man and i CAN'T WAIT 'til he is here!

wise thought..

2009-02-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

"...never let the will play gardener to the soul, unless you know your will's nature is wiser"
- Edgar Lee Masters

think on it. these few words made a lot of changes to my perspective on things.

...opportunities are coming...

2009-01-29T20:38:00.001-08:00

"an unexpected event will bring good things to your life"

... does it still count if the fortune cookie was already cracked when i opened it?...

in either case, i believe.

to someone who loves me....

2009-01-26T19:19:00.001-08:00

your obligations take you out
of the running for yourself.
give him the chance you give me everyday

untie the bonds
from the pains and strained loyalties you know as right.
give him the freedom to soar

find the faith
within yourself to make the stars move for you.
give him the eyes to see time

give him to you.

nearly 6 months...

2009-01-26T19:12:00.001-08:00

...since my last post. so much has happened i'm not even going to try to share it all. let's just call this a clean slate, okay? i've been tempted to write but every time i come to my page i'm overwhelmed by the emotional toll it takes to write a true and honest post. today is different. the last couple of days have been devastatingly emotional and i guess there is little to be afraid of now... so wtf, right?

i've decided to become more agressive about the things i want. work & career, home, friends, relationships, money - everything. i began to feel bogged down with day to day life and i'm sick of it.. the obligations that weigh me down. so.. i was inspired just one, short week ago to stand and up say that i'm tired of it. i am too young and have too much potential to simply accept things the way they are.

i'm also tired of the lack of time to be creative.... so this is me... writing... expressing... expect more from me the next few months.

release

2008-08-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

allow it to let go
allow it to be free
give it all it wants
but leave it on it's knees

the poison circulates
the venom begins to destroy
suffocating all of the logic
smothering all of the joy

surpress the digust
surpress the animal inside
hide all of the signs
deny all of the lies

put on the happy smile
put on a grown up face
try not to invert
refuse yourself the waste

someone make it go away
please, someone make it die
remove the conflict from my bed
release the demons from my eyes

i dont know anymore

2008-08-04T00:06:00.001-07:00

waiting for my mail to arrive
waiting for news
that i can fly.

trying to hold to the ground
trying to get a grip
of the sound.

giving all of me to so many
giving my heart
to plenty.

missing all that was home
missing the thing to call
my own.

let me go and let me be
i promise ill figure the bow
let me go and let me be
trust me with the last finale

manic

2008-08-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

so i've been having problems with my creativity. yeah, i know... just another tortured "artist".. another lost soul that feels misunderstood... whatever. im having problems with my credibility as an artist.. my flow of creative energy.. my imagination. i am such a control freak that i can never leave myself alone. i cant allow myself to flow freely, to discuss, to accept.. I seize up and begin to analyze myself. what does that mean about me other than im completely insecure of my expression?

the man i love more than anything, and share absolutely every thought in the world with, told me tonight that he loves to read my poetry because he rarely sees me express myself artistically. ouch but wow. i mean - he knows everything about me. he's reading this now. even he says that it is rare for me to express myself artistically.. shit.

am i dooming myself to a life of being a wannabe? i mean- im in LA, im working on being an actress, im taking up my photography again... but other than that? im supposed to be considered an artist, right? if im not truly an artist, but im trying to be one....am i just disillusioned and fucking myself over?

ive realized that my life is sort of one big strategic move to get somewhere else. where is the appreciation of the moment? acting, much like life itself, is a moment to moment process... if im always thinking about the next.. if im always pressuring myself to be good ... it becomes inorganic. am i inorganic? a drone? a girl once told me that she was convinced i never slept in order to accomplish all that i do every day. THAT is me being inorganic.. and her seeing it....being a robot of sorts that just keeps going. im like that damn pink bunny with the gaudy sunglasses and the massive energizer battery stuck to my back.

i need to relax. i need to slow down. when i try to do so, when i try to lay back and be more "go with the flow" my need to keep moving and keep accomplishing things hits me like a brick. i feel like im in a dream sometimes where i go through the motions, but never quite connect to anything. for example, my sister was here for a week and just left today. a week. i feel like i was just going the whole time and didnt bond with her. i wasted that opportunity to become closer to her by not allowing the control freak to piss off.

with all of this coming to a head tonight, i felt as if i was going crazy. my roommate had friends over and when i entered my apt. nothing was as how i had left it. i felt as if i was going to have an anxiety attack. i rushed into my neat, organized little room and took a deep breath. i was on the phone with B at the time, and i just started to tear up as i explained to him how much i hate being that person. how much i hate those impulses and pangs of frustration.

i think i need help with this. im convinced im going crazy. i feel that as long as im this way my creative energy is not going to come. it's going to stay locked up in this perfectly symmetrical, level box of smudge-free glass... close enough for me to see- but not enough to touch.

i wonder if i cling to control because im truly not in that position right now. im living in a city where no one really knows me and everything is still kind of new and uncomfortable. i hope it doesn't take too much longer to settle here. people keep telling me that one day i'll just accept LA. maybe since i haven't i cling to each little bit of control that i do have.

now im psychoanalyzing myself. see? see how i do that? i cant just leave myself alone. it drives me insane. forgive me as i put you through a series of awkward poetry and weird music the next few days. im honestly just trying to channel something and allow it to live on it's own.

thanks for the chance to vent. i needed to get that out in my own, tidy little way, on my clean little blog.

get by with a little help from my friends...

2008-07-24T13:40:00.001-07:00

my friend B just began a voice blog. (yes, a voice blog. it's like this only with recordings instead of written posts)

just like any of us bloggers, it's a place for him to vent, to inspire, to offer something to the world. he is a good guy with a lot to offer.... words of encouragement, words to consider, words to inspire. be a good friend and check him out below....

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

exciting news...

2008-07-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

the red brick road theatre company has officially been launched! wooo! now the world knows about us...

check out our blog at

theredbrickroad.wordpress.com

...

2008-07-13T11:53:00.000-07:00

keep trying to be what you're not
try to maintain what you've got
hold your own church
keep your own god
believe what you need just to get off

starbucks

2008-07-13T11:51:00.001-07:00

clink clank wring squeak
bang tear pleasant tink

bustle tustle slow them down
always smiles frowns not allowed

study read compute calculate
flirt laugh examine keep yourself separate

gay straight black white
young old wrong right

dressed slacked tidy dirty
in out two thirty

obsession

2008-07-13T11:46:00.001-07:00

clarity, clean, crystalline
truth that resonates within
abilities that drown desire
qualities to be acquired

fulfilling, free, fantastastical
work seemingly magical
goals that are bottomless
provide no time to reminisce

gaining, greeting, generating
secret barriers upward breaking
unknown challenges lurch behind
determined to drive ruin sublime

delusion, dreams, demented mess
masochistic expectations of success
violent pangs of happiness
beautiful submission into love

music recommendation

2008-07-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

so.. i haven't posted a restaurant review in awhile but i've got a couple artists you have GOT to download...

*amos lee

soulful, true, very strong vocalist. folk music mostly. this is the kind of music you want playing when you're doing yoga, cooking a nice meal, crying in bed after the worst day ever. ya' know, anytime you need a release. his clear and sensitive voice is a conduit of feeling and honesty. i. love. this. man.

*ray lamontagne

also a folk vocalist only, this time with blues & country influences, and a hell of a lot more grit. his song "shelter" and "burn" from his album "trouble" are incredibly emotional pieces. im really looking forward to the new album this september. ray is a guy you'd want around when you're amped, happy, content, ready to go. OR on the other side of the coin, a guy whose voice will console you in a hard place.

listen on my lovelies. you will love them.

i want to write more...

2008-07-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

i've decided. i've got to become more consistent with this thing. i love the feeling i get after writing. i've just got to work on maintaining the mental energy necessary to write about the actual things going on in life, not just report what happened that day. i've got to post the poetry, the lyrics, the letters i write. when i re-read my blog, i'm so unimpressed with my writing. true, many posts are simply rants, raves, random thoughts quickly speeding from my brain into my fingers. but, there is more to me than random blabber.

looking up and down

2008-07-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

things are a little bit up, a little bit down. i'm pretty conflicted right now and it's driving me insane. if i had thought that i was manic beforehand, obviously i had no clue.

on one hand - i love what is happening in my career; getting an agent, rocking my acting classes, forming my own theatre company, performing with a sexy pin up group, singing more than i used to, dancing 3-4x a week, and getting my first real, full time job in the arts. (told you i'd use my $100,000 theatre arts degree! nah - nah- na - na - nah!!!!!)

on the other hand... and oh that dirty, nasty other hand - my personal life is a disaster. im terribly homesick all of the time, i can't get enough of my family, my social life is okay but pretty much non-existent since everything and everyone got so busy, my love life is well...complicated. how can things be so good and so bad at the same time? this is all so catch 22, win-win yet lose-lose.

i've finally begun to feel comfortable in LA but its surreal. im not here to go to school, im not here for an internship, this is no temporary sort of thing. this is real. this is the life that people warned me about. you know when you would watch tv and danny tanner would come and tell dj about how hard life is and to heed the complexity of the decisions you make? yeah. at the time you laugh, you brush it off, thats grown up stuff. well... when the tables are suddenly turned and you're the one telling the kiddies how much bills suck... no one is laughing. no one, no school, no friend or family member can prepare you for your first step on your own. as hard as they try. as much as they want to help you.. it doesnt help. ive walked into walls and remembered after the fact.. oh yeah... professor so and so told me about that.... then i just end up feeling dumb.

the truth is ... being a grown up sucks. bills suck, responsibilities suck, choices suck and knowledge, both intellectual and moral, is a plague. youth, innocence and ignorance truly are the keys to bliss.

this fourth of july

2008-07-05T20:25:00.000-07:00

this fourth was a wierd one... didnt have plans, tried to make plans, had them, then changed them and now it feels like it never really happened. it all went so quickly.. anyhow.. enjoy a few photos below...

starting the day off right

me and the sis...

no... the baby did not take a shot. i, on the other hand, enjoyed a nice shot of jameson.

ammendment...

2008-06-23T19:20:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i start typing, i lose sight of the little things. dont judge too harshly now.

fix it #1 :
i no how to spehll... de' wurd "clasy" in my latist post shuld be "classy"

fix it #2 :
i am no longer with RPM Talent as listed much earlier, i am now with HRi talent - an amazing group of people. i'm honored to be represented by such an awesome and enthusiastic woman. go, alisa, go!

professional

2008-06-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

i was hired today. wooo!

i am now a member - in - training of the satin dollz, a women's entertainment troupe ala 1940's pinup. the acts include singing, dancing and burlesque (the clasy, non-naked, kind.)

there is still tons to learn but, now i can say that i am a professional singer and dancer!

yay!

my very own hero

2008-06-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

i'm in love with a hero, yes it is true.

the other night while on his way to grab something for his dad, Brad saw a dog get hit by a car. of course, the car doesn't stop but he could see that the dog was in terrible shape.

brad quickly flipped a u turn to check on the animals. the larger dog's legs were very badly broken and he was obviously very shaken. the dog also had a little buddy with him, a terrier of some sort. by the look of them, they were both strays as they had no collar and matted hair. he convinced the dogs to come to him and he petted them and tried to calm them as he called for advice.

first, he called UOP campus police (it happened right in front of campus) they gave him the number to animal control. he called animal control but apparently, "they weren't working" that night and though they'd send a truck, they had no idea when the truck would show. no good.
next, he called the police for advice, phone numbers, anything. they referred him back to animal control. he sat there and waited for the damn animal control truck, calmly petting the animals, loving them, he even nicknamed them jermaine and bret a la flight of the conchords. eventually, a fire truck pulled over and asked if he needed help. b explained the situation and the fire truck called dispatch for advice, they immediately gave him the number and address of a 24 hour vet clinic WAY out on hammer lane.

even though the firefighters could not take the dogs, they helped brad load them into his truck and pointed him in the right direction. upon arriving at this clinic, the vet tech was very rude and very curt to him, obviously not wanting to take custody of the injured animals. she sternly spurted "a donation would be appreciated." as brad walked out to get the dogs. upon seeing the legs of the larger dog, the vet tech was taken back, not realizing how serious it really was prior to actually seeing the dog. brad left a donation with the vet tech, made sure that they would be cared for, and continued on his way to pick up the stuff for his dad.

sooo..... after working an 8 hour shift, lifting, loading and drilling concrete in the 100+ degree heat and with dinner and a cool shower waiting for him at home, brad still spent 3 hours of his night caring for a few animals that just needed a little love.

here's to hoping that jermaine and bret are happier than ever!

brad, you're a hero!
xoxoxo

the perfect kick off to summer

2008-06-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

so .... jenny and i had a weekend. ooooohhhh did we have a weekend. i cant tell you how much i needed that. it was amazing! it was my official kick off to summer.. a kickoff to getting out, letting go, and being me again.

it all started thursday night.

thursday:

nothing big but jenny and i were definitely over the week. i made some dinner, we ate with mike and debated the slackers and the losers, the drama queens and the pathetic comments being made.. then we watched veronica mars kick some ass. it was liberating. i mentally pretended i was veronica, figuring things out for the world, above the mindless crap, honorable and motivated. i live vicariously through that girl. thank the gods for teen television.

nice. chill. night.

friday:

a bit more of the same- only with alcohol this time. woo! jenny and i vegged out and drank wine :)

saturday:

woke up early to get to acting class. i started to carpool with another student named lisa. she's a sweetheart- very quiet but crazy on the inside, ya'know? im trying soooo hard to keep from driving. i promised myself once gas gets to $5.00 a gallon- that is my limit. no more. i will park my car and have to figure it out. ha! can't you just see me on the LA Metro 218 going to work. oh jeez.

after class i met up with jenny and bree at aroma. SO fun.. these girls are amazing - i swear.. just swapping stories and filling each other in on whatever is going on. i dont know where bree gets her material- i swear. she leads such an amazing life. one day... mine is going to be like that: fascinating, mysterious, wild but respectable. one day.. anyhow, we met to eat a late lunch and just talk, talk, talk. (im trying to eat better btw, its been so long since ive written- there's a lot of new things going on!) anyhow- i order a blt with avocado on wheat, light mayo..... with french fries. okay not great but better than how i used to eat. i sit down and there they are with a turkey burger patty and a plate of tomatoes. wtf? talk about feeling like the fatty! they're both working on how they eat so they're on the low sugar, low carb diet. that is works for them and that is fantastic but omg - i felt like a cow with these two. luckily it was a bit too warm to eat so i didn't eat the whole thing. it was sooooo good though.

later that night we get ready and head out to eat dinner with the cast of "True Fashion;" a pilot that Jenny just finished casting. we met a berri's - i dont know who's suggestion that was but jesus h. christ did it scream hollywood. it had a cheap valet station (the only plus) but it was so stereotypical and pretentious. the food was overpriced, they only served like 3 different kinds of wine, there was no real bar, they projected films on the wall (soooooo original, right?)but played their obnoxious music so loud, no one could hear anything. - berri's on 3rd gets an F from me.

anyways we finish our overrated, overpriced meals and head out to get our cars. we were on our way to watch greg proops' show at Largo at the Coronet. we get our car first.. sweet - we wont be the late ones, right? wrong... we show up, park ( this took less than 15 minutes, btw) and walk up to the gate only to be verbally attacked by munchkin gate keeper man - right in front of John C. Riley, i might add. he asks us for our "stamps" we politely mention that we have no stamps, but are on the greg's guest list (jenny is effin' amazing like that.) so gate nazi abruptly replies that the list has closed since the show has already begun. wtf? no list closes. he asks us to wait outside until everyone "settles" to see if he has room for us. okay - whatever. we wait patiently as gate monster storms around, asserting his pathetic little power over everyone he comes into contact with. in the midst of this, john c. riley walks by again. i had the sudden urge to scream "i love you!" but pinched the shit out of jenny's arm instead. sooo... after jerkface ( i ran out of names, okay) lights up the most ridiculously oversized joint i'd ever seen, he proceeds to say that "so and so and his posse are on the way and he has to save room, but will let us know asap" wtf? whatever, so we wait. 15 MINUTES LATER and after 3 or 4 OTHER guests walk right in, we were told to leave. total hollywood roadkill, right? right. as we walked away shocked, bruised egos in hand, we continued to question how a list can close.

already dressed up and ready to go out, we made a desperate attempt to save the night. jenny and i headed over to firefly restaurant and lounge in studio city. this place must be one of the only decent places nearby since the place was packed. after visiting what i've now elected as the BEST bathroom to have a mid-dinner quickie in, we manage to steal 2 stools and get comfy in the corner near the host stand. (just to be clear.... there was no quickie for jenny and i - keep dreaming) jenny proceeds to order drinks from the bartender who - SURPRISE- has auditioned for jenny before. okay - common sense break - as an actor who happens to be a bartender who just HAPPENS to be serving a Casting Director that he/she knows, said actor would be wise to buy a round of drinks for said casting director, right? apparently not. some actors just don't know how to take advantage of the right place/right time thing.

anyhow, after a few awkward moments with a drunk woman who hates the idea of pets and multiple marriage proposals from a german chauffeur/action star wannabe who claims to drive "fifteee-cent" around, jenny and i decide it's time to pack it in for the night and head home. just before we leave jenny sees tom green- i never see the cool ones. while waiting for valet, we meet steve valentine- another actor that was on crossing jordan. LA, man - jesus - one after another!

we head home, we laugh it off, we sleep.

sunday:

i had the bright idea to head to the beach. it has been warm the last few days and my current skin color leads people to believe im a vampire - it made sense. anyway, we get a late start on our day and head to ralphs for picnic supplies. we raid the fruits and veggies and drool on the desserts but make it out with a decent selection of food items, all placed in their own plastic bag. WTF??? do these people NOT watch tv? do they NOT know anything about our earth failing from human actions? at that moment, i made it my mission to visit each grocery store chain and retrain their baggers. you just wait and watch. ill make it to your store eventually.

anyhow.. we wanted to go to lifeguard post #9 , zuma beach. a bit north of malibu.. far away basically. jenny had been there before and promised it was not crowded. she remembered the lifeguard post and the clean sand... it sounded perfect and it was a sunday afternoon. what the hell. so we start our 45 minute journey and 2 hours later, we arrive.

the beach was overcast and windy. NOT good suntan weather. determined to take advantage of our trip out here, we laid out our blankets and cover up in towels. we started to eat but the sand decided to fly directly into anything and everything we were eating. so... we started drinking. did you know that you can't drink on the beach? yeah - us too but we forgot. however, this gave our lifeguard, Bill, the perfect opportunity to make his first attempt at jenny. it was funny because we had admired him from afar a bit earlier, but wrote him off due to the large puff of chest hair located centrally on the pec region. after our first interaction with him - we then deemed him gay. obviously, he wasn't as he continued to try at jenny. the last time he came up to us, i noticed his skin was odd- almost as if he had makeup creases from sweating. makeup creases? on a man? oooooooooooo yes. so now, this straight, fit but hairy, seemingly gay, makeup wearing lifeguard is telling jenny that he wants to warm her up with a nice stiff.... drink. HA! perfection.

we waited for him to leave and then packed up to head home, singing to the best love songs - ever.

the end.

for all to see

2008-06-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

its been a long time. id like to think its because ive been so busy but, frankly, i think its because ive been scared to post anything. my co-workers and i had a conversation about putting your life on the internet. people find this shit whether you want them to or not. i think only one of my co-workers even knows about this blog, but i couldnt help but feel like the conversation was somewhat directed towards that crazy group of exhibitionists in the world of which im a card carrying member.

however, i realize that by plugging up my emotional overflow, i lose the sense of my expression. im able to wake up everyday because ive been able to release the negative energy any time i feel it's stewing inside. sometimes its to this blog, sometimes to family, most of the time to friends. thank the gods for them, the real ones anyhow. the rest need to find their own lives and stop trying to piggy back on mine.

it wasnt until recently that i felt naked. violated. exposed. people used my positive intentions against me. this made me want to stop sharing so much since, you know by now - im sure, sharing only leads to lies and drama and rumors. you know how it goes... you have the right to remain silent but anything you say may be used against you in the court of bullshit. im so sick of people meddling... its gotten so bad that i dont even know the people that are starting rumors about me. i bet you they dont know my last name. its sickening, really.

but you know what? things are on the up. ive been on the up but have been too consumed to realize it....until the other day. i had an epiphany and you know what? im proud to say, ive got my shit together. i live in the BEST neighborhood in LA, ive got the best, i mean the BEST family in the world, i work a great job with fantastic, talented, AMAZING co-workers, i make enough money to pay my bills AND go grab a beer once in a while, im excelling in my Meisner program, ive signed with an agent that has agreed to provide me with full representation, im developing exciting new friendships, im nurturing and strengthening existing bonds with my best friends, im young, im healthy and most of all, ive got an open road ahead of me. the world is mine to conquer.

the drama in my life has eaten me alive. somehow, all of these great things were happening and i couldnt appreciate a damn one.... i was busy with the he said/she said, the pondering, the obsessing. the shit. well, im sick of the shit.

tonight jenny said "let them fade." that is what has got to happen to the meddlers, the gossipers, the fake friends. there is one person in this that matters and he and i are figuring all of this out for us, and us alone. so guess what shit talkers? you cant phase us anymore. we won't allow it. we're stronger than that and we're stronger than you. im just sorry it took so damn long to realize that.

as for my situation, we are working things out day by day. we're still trying to do what we said we would, taking time apart to focus on other things. ive had a hard time focusing on other things but now i see how that's hurting the rest of me. why let the rest of my life suffer?

he doesn't need a babysitter, he doesnt need an obsessed, insane, worrisome girl on his back. he needs the strong woman i used to be and forgot about through this whole thing. he needs the woman that can take anything and everything in stride. he needs the woman that is strong enough for him to lean on. you know what? i love that man and as much as he has been strong for me, as much as he has denied himself and his own desires for ME, its all i can do to be able to give that back when he needs it.

so... watch the fuck out... it. is. on.

sweet sacrifice

2008-05-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

something always brings me back to him. no matter how hard i try to think about other things, other activities, other friends... im always lead back to the same place. granted, my thoughts have been refined from "completely crazy" to "crazy only at times" but for some reason i take little comfort in that. i cant stand my overanalyzation, my doting on the details, my time spent pondering the outcome. i work on that everyday- it obviously hasn't been going that well.

but.....there is an odd peace in waiting for him. knowing that there is a chance there somewhere, talking with him on the phone, sharing things again. i cant help myself but to jump headfirst into talking/texting/acting like we're still together. its just, i dont know how to be without him and truthfully, i dont know if he likes it or if it freaks him out.

for not being a very patient person, i have gained an entirely new perspective on what "time" means. it will be 3 weeks tomorrow since i started this tailspin. only 3 weeks. in the grand scheme of things, that is nothing. sacrificing myself for his clarity is something that ive chosen to do. i completely stand by it... im just saying its not easy. but nobody said love was.

here's to peace, patience and love.

last weekend

2008-05-23T00:29:00.000-07:00

i got to go home last weekend... thank the gods... i needed time away more than anything. i dont think i even knew how badly i needed to be away from LA LA land. time with my family, time with friends, time with brad... moments. i needed those moments. those moments are what touch me, they feed me and keep me moving. yes, i get up everyday; go to work from 9 to 5. i continue about my business but i feel as if those times can be monotonous. its the same thing everyday, every week. time at home is of a different caliber. my time at home is what i hold on to while im attempting to keep my nose to the grindstone down here. its what i remember when i feel uninspired or dull. i love those people. i love home.

lacey and i

my mom and i

my dad and i

brittany and i

nana and popa

janice and i

brad, lola and i

peace of mind

2008-05-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

today was a good day. for once. i think im at peace because 1.) my fantastic friends 2.)my refined sense of hope for the future of my relationship 3.) i get to come home this weekend to see my mommy AND Janice AND Colleen, woo!

also......i had a meeting with Alyssa at HRI Talent- that went spectacularly well. now i just need to get her a bunch of footage .... grr.... i cant wait 'til i have a real demo reel.. life will be so much easier.. or harder.. idk... as an actor you've got to keep headshots, resumes and online profiles up to date... a reel is just one more thing to have to constantly keep track of.

and... i went running after work. fortunately, ive always been the kind of girl that was *generally* active and *generally* ate good food. unfortunately, i fear that is coming to a close and i see the weight coming on. im not compelled to lose that much weight- dont get me wrong folks- i haven't been in la all that long... but i definitely want to start to pay attention to the way i eat and the amount of exercise i get. sooooooo..... ive cut out the extra junk, fats, sugars, and really looked into the content of my food. ive also begun to run after work. i take lola with me and we run for about a half hour.... then we end up at the park for a bajillion crunches, push ups, and lots of stretching. me, not lola of course. she gets to sit under a tree. i miss my dance classes- they were fun, preprogrammed exercise. now i actually have to think about how long i run, how much i do each day, when i do it, etc etc etc. i enjoy it anyhow... it makes me feel like im really doing something good... making a positive change in my life that is very clear and evident....running is also the perfect way to blow off the stress.

after all that sweating sweetness lola and i had a doggie date with Carrie. a doggie date, btw, consists of lola, ella and tummi running around like nuts for 2 hours while carrie and i vent and eat very very yummy vegan cuisine.

after i left carrie's place i was able to finally get ahold of my wonderfully talented, but suppppppeeeerrrr crazy busy friend jenny and we were actually able to talk on the phone! woo!

now.. i sit here with a crazy sore but full tummy, with a sleepy, stinky, happy puppy on my lap, and a mind that is actually at peace.

thank the gods... lets hope for a better tomorrow.