What Pushes My Buttons

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:27:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 14:30:00 +0000

My big fat Greek New Years

Firstly happy New Year's too all! Hope the holiday season treated you all well.

My New Year's Eve was very entertaining. The night started with some drinks and appetizers and led to a restaurant in Astoria (which I hold off from mentioning in case they decide to send us a bill). Let's just say (without naming names) that three out of the six of us got a little sick (not me) in the restaurant bathroom, leading two out of the six to leave the restaurant shortly after appetizers arrived.

Anyway, sparing you all of the sickly details, the rest of the evening was actually pretty entertaining, despite the fact that we knew no one else in the restaurant and apparently everyone else there knew each other or knew the waitresses and owners. So it basically felt like we were crashing someone's wedding, especially since most patrons were dressed in suits and dresses (and we were their white trash cousins dressed in sweaters and jeans). There was live music with an acoustic guitar duo singing traditional Greek folk songs and eventually some of the restaurant patrons started dancing to said traditional Greek folk songs which led to more Greek traditions. But before I get into that let me just rave about the food for a moment.

The food was exceptional and arrived in droves. A greek salad arrived alongside shrimp that was placed in a phyllo pastry puff, a plate of grilled sausage and marinated meatballs. Unfortunately it was already 10:30pm by the time apps had arrived and we wouldn't see our main courses until well after midnight.

Like 45 minutes after midnight.

However despite our stomachs on revolt and the novelty of making noise with party favors wore off, the main courses didn't disappoint. We were treated to lamb, shrimp and steak. Being that this was authentic greek, I went straight for the lamb which was tender and juicy. Forgoing knife and fork, I grabbed said chop in my grubby paws and went to town (my apologies for the shitty pics my camera phone took).

Lamb

Steak

Shortly after stuffing our face with meaty goodness out came the dessert. Needless to say I was all over the baklava.

During dinner and dessert is when the dancing started. It was entertaining watching everyone dance around in circles, with their arms held high snapping their fingers.

But then the most unexpected thing happened (which I later found out was another Greek tradition). Some of the men in the restaurant started making it rain (the first three are videos - click to play).

I found out that throwing money around is a way to garner wealth and prosperity in the coming year.

Granted these guys were only throwing wads of singles in the air, but by the time we were ready to leave there had to be a few hundred dollars worth of singles on the floor.

Crazy times. Those greeks know how to party!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 00:33:00 +0000

Vacation - a brief recap

I may have misled some of you into thinking we took an exotic vacation based on the previous pics of the beach.

Well we did go down Souf to Florida. But only to the extremely exotic location of Orlando, Florida.

Our trip was to Universal Studios, to which I have never been.

Since we got down there a few hours before our hotel opened, we decided to do what anyone else would do in Orlando in the late morning. Play mini-golf.

However the mini-golf gods weren't pleased with our playing mini-golf at 11am apparently, as they caused my shorts to rip. How you ask? Well I straddled a bench to get my ball that had gotten away from me and into the water. And then psssssffft. We got a ripper.

As you could image I was pretty despondent after my "wardrobe malfunction"

But I finally sucked it up, and we went to play in the park.

Right off the bat we went for the Hulk ride...which is a looping, twister fast coaster. Ordinarily I would have laughed my way through, but only after popping some motion sickness pills. Sans pills the ride was still fun, but I was definitely a little nauseaus afterwards.

Luckily I resisted the urge to blow chunks

After finally settling down, we grabbed drinks at Pat O'Brien's, home of the famous hurricane.

After treating myself to some shrimp gumbo

and a muffaletta, day one came to a peaceful end capped by a gorgeous "moonset" over Universal

and checking into our "futuristic" hotel.

Day two found more fun at Universal's Islands of Adventure, where we met some four legged friends

The pug you may recognize as Frank from Men in Black II.

After passing on some turkey legs for lunch

we took a quick drive over to Hollywood.

After returning from our drive, the rest of day was full of attractions and rides, such as the standing roller coaster Dueling Dragons and the most soaking water rides you'll ever go on. Seriously. We were drenched for about two hours.

Day 2 capped off with a Macy's themed parade where we saw some interesting friends

Nice dance move there

Shrek knows I'm the man

How did they know I just love a girl in cake?

Day 3 was filled with even more rides and fun, including going back to double dip on the Hulk ride, Doctor Doom and Spiderman's virtual reality ride. After 6 hours of non-stop action, we needed to break for a well needed drink

I won't bore you with the rest of the details from our trip but overall it was a great mini-getaway. Plus the park was EMPTY! There were no lines and we were able to go from ride to ride with ease. Definitely advised to go there the week before the week before xmas. In fact the only people there other than us were pretty much European tourists.

Before I depart, wanted to share some of my mad photo skills with y'all (Don't say you're not impressed ;)

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:32:00 +0000

On Vacation

WhatPushesMyButtons is on vacation this week.

Enjoy the cold weather everyone! :)

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 15:37:00 +0000

How nice of her!!!

So got this email in my Inbox this morning.

----
Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 08:31:30 +0000 (GMT)
From: KTFlynn@san.rr.com
Subject: I wish you well

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Felicia Adam Swanson I am a dying woman who have
decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I
was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago.I have been touched by
God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you
for the good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe
he has because He is a merciful God.I will be going in for an
operation later today.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of (five.five
million dollars.)to you for the good work of the lord,and also to help
the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the
widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due
to the fact that my relatives (They had squandered the funds i gave
them for this purpose before)are around me and my health status.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware.I wish you all the best
and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds
well and always extend the good work to others.Contact my lawyer with
this : Name: Barrister William Francis. Tel:+447011132753
williamfrancis_chambers@yahoo.it

Tell him that I have WILLED(US$5.5M) to you by quoting my personal
reference number Jl/Wds/953/5015/GwrI/316 us/uk and I have also
notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a good work.I
know I dont know you but I have been directed to do this.Thanks and
God Bless.

Regards,
Felicia Adam Swanson
----

I mean how sweet is she???? She donated $5.5 million dollars to me/it/my church! I'm so eternally grateful I'm about to cry. I mean I know she said she doesn't know me but she has been "directed to do this" by God. Maybe my wish of hitting the lotto has finally come true!!!

I'm going to email Barrister William Francis right away with all of my banking information and my social security number so he can deposit the $5.5 million to me! Needless to say I'll share my new found riches with all of my faithful readers out there!

So in turn, if you'd like to receive some of my riches, please email me or reply to this post with your Name, Address, Banking Information, Social Security Number, Date of Birth, Maiden Name, Occupation, Name of your first born or unborn child, your pants size, Eye Color, Hair Color, Toenail length, Name of your pet, Your preferred Underwear brand, The number of teeth in your mouth, and most importantly all of your credit card numbers, expiration dates and three digit ID # on the back of your credit card.

Once you send me all of that information, I'll be sure to directly deposit a lump sum of no less than $1,000 to your accounts!

I know...how kind of me. But I'm just sharing the wealth, just like Felicia Adam Swanson shared her wealth with me!

Make it rain bitch...make it rain!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 06 Dec 2007 22:56:00 +0000

Pizza Pizza

So our friends at the ACLU (that would be the Ass Clowns Leaveusthefuckalone Union) are at it again. This time they've produced a very tongue-in-cheek example of what ordering pizza could be like in the year 2010. (click link or image to play)

Basically the guy calls up his local pizzeria, the Pizza Palace, and they have his whole history on file, including his health conditions (among them impotence - very funny ACLU) and a warning from his insurance provider that the Double Meat Special pizza he wants is bad for him and thus he'll have to pay an extra "Health Surcharge" for his pies.

Now while this is meant to be nothing more than a "holy shit, let's stop this from happening now" fluff piece from our favorite Asshole Cleaning Lickers Union, it could very well happen in the not so distant future. Especially if that whole "GoogleZon" idea ever comes to fruition.

But for now, take heart that invasion of privacy such like this is probably way down the road. So don't listen to what the "We do more harm in the world than good" cocksuckers have to say.

In fact we should concentrate on more important things than trying to find "civil liberties" for humankind. Like, for example, eliminating the sounds of farts in public. Now THAT'S something we can all get 'behind' right?

Well now we can. All we need to do is purchase some Toot Tones and all of our pesky fart noises would turn into cheerful, harmless cell phone rings!

Now all we need to do is find a way to turn our 'gas emissions' into some sort of usable environmentally friendly substance that could fuel our automobiles. Now that would be extemely practicable! Just think, when you can say "I have enough gas in me to get me to Pittsburgh", you could really mean it!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 14:37:00 +0000

Grimgrinch Rascalton

So I was passed along an email yesterday to "find my grinch" name.

Normally I don't play along but this was actually pretty fun, in an office humor dorky sorta way (click on the image to launch the page).

If you use my full name, Christopher, my grinch name becomes: Meanmonkey Rascalton.

Nice...i always wanted to be a Mean Monkey. Actually I had auditioned for a mean monkey part in Family Guy, but got beaten out by the much more sinister looking Evil Monkey.

Anyway, thought it would be fun for everyone to share their Grinch name. Sort of like a bonding experience to pull together the WPMB audience this holiday season.

So please reply to this post with a comment stating your Grinch name!

Btw...happy Hannukah to all of our Jewish friends out there.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:31:00 +0000

Jaws of Life

So I’m sitting on the subway this morning and this petite little girl sits next to me, in a space, well only a petite little girl could fit. After she gets off the train, this woman nearly three times the size of her gets on and jams her fat ass into that same spot.

Immediately all the air was taken out of me. I freed my arm to push my rib cage back in, although my leg was completely numb. As I was praying someone would get the jaws of life to free me, she does the unthinkable. She rips ass in the seat. I felt the fuckin seat vibrate. Like you’re talking something that was off the charts on a seismograph

Had this lady’s fart been an earthquake, it would have been at least a 7.0

Unreal. Although I’m sure to her it was just a minor blip on her radar…but for me I couldn’t free myself soon enough. As soon as the doors opened at my stop, I finally pried my lifeless leg free and stumbled out of the seat, dragging my leg with me. Thankfully I was out of there before Chernobyl was released from her ass.

Can you believe that shit? (no pun intended). Who would rip ass like that? Then again all she had to say was excuse me before she sat down and I would have gladly gotten up to give her more room. But she didn’t even give me the chance to offer her the seat. She just jammed her fat ass in there, not giving a shit about crushing anyone in her way.

As I sit here typing this, I’m happy to report that I have finally regained feeling in my leg and my rib cage is back in place. Although can’t say the same for my spleen. But who needs that anyway right?

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 15:54:00 +0000

Friday Randomness

So did you guys hear about this...did you see this? (my Jay Leno impersonation for ya).

Apparently Rodney King was shot the other day on the street.

Yeah...apparently the gun was fired by Bobby Knight.

Boy am I on fire today or what?

Anyway, I'm a bit hungover so you'll have to pardon the bad jokes today. In lieu of attempting to write something humorous, I figured I'd share with y'all some videos that I've taken with my cell phone recently. Most of it is pretty random and some of it...well I guess you just had to be there. Keep in mind this is my crappy cell phone so the video quality is pisspoor at best.

Saw this guy dancing like a fool at a bar in Texas:

This guy had some skinny ass legs and was walking weird on the street:

Actually the way he was walking kinda reminded me of Manute Bol.

Speaking of Manute Bol, what was he thinking with this suit.

Perhaps he was trying to be the world's tallest banana. (yep...i'll be here all night, try the veal).

Finally I was at a John Corbett band concert at the Knitting Factory a few months back (John Corbett is best known from his roles as Aidan om Sex in the City and Ian Miller in My Big Fat Greek Wedding). His band is pretty good. John was onstage with guitarist Tara Novick and ex-Black Crowes’ drummer Steve Gorman.

Here's some clips from the show:

Steve was rocking through his drum solo with an intensity only matched by Animal from the Muppets:

That's all the fun I have for now. Until next time, America.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 17:34:00 +0000

Attention Holiday Shoppers

Consumers: Be aware of pickpocketers this holiday season.

Employers: Be aware of employees this holiday season.

Funny how I was walking behind this guy the other day with this Loss Prevention jacket and a shopping bag. I mean, call it irony right? Of course I'm sure he was just taking home some merchandise he purchased at the store. But hey, you never know right? But why would he wear that jacket out on the street like that?

Personally I know no one will fuck with my shit this holiday season or in general.

Why?

I have a nice grizzly watching over my stuff:

Try stealing my stapler now bitch. Have a bear bite your hand off. See how that feels.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 15:15:00 +0000

What are the odds?

Before I begin, let's have a quick moment of silence for Mr. Gatorade himself, Dr. Robert Cade, who passed away at the age of 80:

Gatorade is far superior to Vitamin Water or Powerade or any other "performance drink" out there. Plus Gatorade is the next best thing for a hangover besides a Bloody Mary! So thank you, Dr. Robert Cade for your invention. You'll be missed.

So once again I saw our favorite friend on the subway last night: the David Koresh/Bruce Vilanch look-a-like in the flesh!

Albeit the last picture of him was a little clearer but can't believe I was actually sitting across from this guy again. What are the odds of that happening in a city of 10 gazillion people?

Speaking of NYC and people, I'm actually pretty psyched to see the movie "I Am Legend" with Will Smith. Especially since I recently read a book entitled "The World Without Us" by Alan Weisman. Actually I read the book back in the Spring, months before it even was out on the presses (I got my hands on an advanced copy). The book is now a New York Times Best Seller! Talk about being ahead of the curve!

The book was definitely enthralling and spoke about what would happen to the world if humans ceased to exist right now. It got to be a bit scientific regarding chemical compounds and how it related to objects disintegrating, so if you like that sort of thing, this is right up your alley. But it also offered a great view back throughout time and spoke about the evolution and migration of species, which facinated the hell out of me (I eat that shit up). My favorite part was the discussion of what NYC used to be like, populated by Bear and Wolves. Apparently bear used to fish for salmon down in a spring that bisected lower Manhattan (now known as Spring Street).

The website for the book is pretty cool as well, full of multimedia to depict possible scenerios should humans cease to exist today. Here are some pictures depicting what NYC would look like if humans ceased to exist right now:

After 2 days of no humans

After 2-4 years of no humans

After 5 years of no humans

After 300 years of no humans

After 500 years of no humans

After 15,000 years of no humans

The book explains why this would happen, ranging anywhere from habitat reemerging by way of weeds, plants and animals and the lack of humans to keep up maintenance in our subway tunnels, buildings and bridges.

I'm sure all the pigeon-fuckers out there would be thrilled with this scenerio...although then they wouldn't be around to fuck their pigeon friends up the ass, so they'll miss out.

Anyway the book is definitely a must-read if you like to read about scientific and reality based "what-if" scenerios and are a fan of the world and its environment in general.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:12:00 +0000

Thanksgiving: A Photo Journal

So as promised (albeit a few days late) here is a "photo essay" of my Thanksgiving day feast [this is especially for you L.K...if you still even visit anymore consider how neglectful I've been about visiting you recently...or anyone else for that matter. :( ]

A little shrimp cocktail appetizer

The bird

My "children's plate" side of veggies

Round 1

Round 2

Dessert is served:

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 16:35:00 +0000

A friendly reminder

Please carve your turkeys humanely this Thanksgiving. They sure would appreciate it!

This message has been Chuck Norris approved!

Happy Thanksgiving.

Go COWBOYS!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 14:31:00 +0000

And you thought the Patriots were perfect?!?

Sure...gloat about the unstoppable Patriots offense. And rave about their defense if you will. But they did go undefeated WITHOUT giving up a point all season???

Did they? (Well assuming they go 16-0 that is).

Nope...didn’t think so.

After throwing the next to impossible shutout in Nintendo Baseball, I tried to go for another unbelievable feat: going an entire season in Tecmo Bowl without giving up a single point.

Not one.

Those who played the game know as the weeks go on, the competition gets tougher (as in the computer gets faster). Game play during the Tecmo Bowl itself is lightning quick for Nintendo standards.

Last time I attempted this feat with the Bears, I gave up a TD in week 5 to the Dolphins. Given that the Bears D is probably still one of the better units in Tecmo Bowl, I figured I’d give them first crack at trying to achieve the seemingly impossible.

Would they succeed in their quest? Here are the results:

Week 1 saw the Vikings go down hard 70-0. Not much of a contest for the Bears. This one was over from the start when Willie Gault ran back to opening kickoff to the Vikings 10.

Week 2 came the Dolphins, who ended my quest early last go around in Week 5. This time was almost the case again as Marino led his troops on a last second drive down the field. With time winding down in the 4th Qtr the Dolphins had first and goal from the 9. After a short run followed by a Bears sack, they had 3rd and Goal from the 11 with 5 seconds left. Marino dropped back in the pocket and found Duper underneath. Dave Duerson met Duper at the goalline and Mike Singletary came in for the tackle to preserve the shutout. Whew. Talk about dramatic. Just about matched the Rams tackling the Titans in just shy of the end zone in Super Bowl XIVJESUSTHESUPERBOWLGAMETAKESFOREVERDOESNTITIMJUSTSAYING. Final score, 63-0.

So now my hands were already sweating and it was only week 2. If fate wasn’t on my side now, it never would be.

Week 3 saw my beloved Cowboys take a crack at the Bears. They should have just stayed in the locker room as the Bears steamrolled Herschel Walker and friends 62-0.

The Giants stepped up to the plate in Week 4, boasting perhaps the second best D in Tecmo Bowl next to the Bears.

Lawrence Taylor and friends were flying around the field, but Walter Peyton was too much too handle as the Bears chipped away with short gains all day. Meanwhile Simms, Morris and Bavaro went nowhere fast. Final score 61-0, thanks to 2 Giants blocks of extra points (their specialty in Tecmo).

Week 5 bought the Raiders and boy was I relieved to see Bo Jackson in week 5 rather than in the Tecmo Bowl. So the Bears definitely caught a break there. But regardless, the Bears keyed in on stopping Bo who only ripped off one decent sized run. Marcus Allen went nowhere and a whole bunch of Mike Singletary INT’s made Tecmo Bo a blip on the radar, 66-0.

Week 6 had John Elway and his high flying aerial attack and Tony Dorsett on the ground. The Bears played a bit of prevent all game and it led to Elway leading the Broncos on a few long drives. However a few key Singletary INT’s, including one in the end zone! and one on the Bears 20 kept the Broncos off the board. Almost lost the shutout but thanks to my boy Singletary the shutout remained in tact. Final score, 52-0.

Week 7 saw the Seahawks who had a formidable D anchored by Brian Bosworth and a deep threat in Steve Largent. However Dave Krieg couldn’t out throw Mike Singletary, who helped out with double coverage on Largent and the rest of the team stuffed the run all game. With the win, the Bears are the Division Champs! But who cares about that, the shutout still in tact, Bears in a rout, 63-0.

Week 8 and the competition was heating up. Fortunately the Colts were next and these are definitely not the Manning Colts of today. Jack Trudeau was ineffective as best as the D focused on shutting down Eric Dickerson, holding him to negative yards on the ground. The Colts D was able to pick off McMahon once deep in their own end late in the 4th qtr, keeping the score a “respectable” 56-0.

Week 9 and I felt the anticipation via my sweaty palms. Eight straight games without a break and up were the Browns, who faced the Bears in my last go round in week 9 as well. Knowing the Browns put up points on the Bears last time thanks to their special teams the Bears tightened down the screws on kick coverage. Bernie Kosar looked rattled all day as blitzes came and went. Kevin Mack had a few runs of 10+ but mostly was kept in check by a swarming Bears D. The Bears offense struggled with the stingy Browns D, but was able to hit Willie Gault on a few deep bombs to win the Division championship in a laugher, 49-0.

Week 10 saw the 49ers and Joe Montana. With Jerry Rice running deep routes and Roger Craig pounding away yardage on the ground, the Bears D had their work cut out for them. As did the offense with Kevin Carter busting up the middle every play and Ronnie Lott roaming the secondary. Willie Gault set the tone with a long opening kick return and the Bears put up a quick 14 in the first. The first half was uneventful as the Bears kept Montana in check to go up 28-0. The second half was tougher as the Niners drove down the field several times. However the Bears stiffened, stopping the 49ers on several 4th down attempts inside Bears territory. The Bears ate some clock with the ground game and short passes and took what the Niners D gave them. A tough one, but the D held up en route to a 42-0 victory.

Tecmo Bowl. It all came down to one game. One last stand to preserve an undefeated and un-scored-upon season. The Redskins. The hated Redskins were the opponent. Doug Williams, Timmy Smith and Monk and Sanders at WR. The D led by Dexter Manley. Tough, grind it out kind of game expected. The Bears D had Williams confused all game and gutted out plenty of three and outs leading to punts. The Bears put together long drive after long drive that ate away precious time on the clock. Walter was magnificant, ripping off a few long runs for TDs as the Bears piled up the points.

In the 4th Quarter up 42-0 all the Bears had to make were a few last defensive stands (click to play video):

After Singletary's pick, the Bears only foe was the clock. The Bears attempted to run out the clock but Peyton was stuffed cold twice. A short gain on 3rd down led to a 4th and 6th. Bears went for it from the Redskins 30 instead of kicking a FG. McMahon was sacked on the play, giving the ball back to the Redskins with one last chance to end the Bears hopes of not giving up a point.

On 3rd and 12 the Redskins needed a big play (click to play video):

Stuffed, like a Thanksgiving turkey. And why they punted on 4th down I'll never know. So the Bears had the ball back with 20 seconds to go. Picking up another 1st down would seal the deal:

It's done!!! AN ENTIRE SEASON WITHOUT YIELDING A POINT! 42-0 is your final! Awesome stuff. My Nintendo record setting day was complete. A shutout in Baseball and an entire season of Tecmo Bowl without yielding a single point. Holy fucking shit.

Btw, if you're keeping count: Bears 626. Opponents 0. Take that Belichek!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 13:26:00 +0000

What a week it's been!

So again, apologies for the lack of updates recently. Been a crazy time at work and it seems like just about every agency is in "hurry up and put their 2008 plans together before the holiday" mode. So needless to say there hasn't been much time to blog, let alone have any energy left at the end of the day to say something productive.

Then when I finally thought I had something funny to say, I came across that whole girls in a cup phenonemon that's all the internet rage these days. If you haven't seen it, consider yourself blessed. It's pretty nasty. If you really, really wanna be grossed out go to http://www.2girls1cup.com/

I was told that my blog would be boycotted if I showed the video or pictures of what transpires on the site. So I guess I'll refrain.

So onto more cheerful stuff that doesn't involve girls licking what appears to be coffee ice cream.

\/

\/

\/

\/

Sorry B...had to do it....sorry.

Anyway, this past weekend I was feeling very lazy after an exhausting week so I decided to hook up the ole Nintendo and take a pass at trying to finally achieve "my lifelong dream" of throwing a shutout in Nintendo Baseball.

I know...after giving up a Homerun with 2 strikes in the bottom of the ninth (that was all caught on video no less) I decided to give it another whirl. The ole' college try as they say.

After taking my first shutout bid into the 7th inning with the "Y" (Yankees) vs. the "C" (Cardinals) I gave up a double and then a two out single that broke up the shutout. Undeterred, but extremely pissed off, I tried again and this time took out my frustrations on the "P" (Phillies) by pouring the runs on. Instead of trying to keep the game close to avoid that "Nintendo cheat" where the losing team always comes back, I figured I'd try to demoralize the hell out of my opponent. Would they be lifeless if I put up a 10 spot on them? I was determined to find out.

I jumped on the computer very early putting up 5 in the first and 5 more in the second. I hadn't scored more than 22 runs before in Nintendo Baseball and I already had 10 in the first two innings! Meanwhile I worked 1-2-3 innings in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd.

After tacking on 4 more runs in the 4th I had a nice 14-0 lead. Here comes the cheat. After a leadoff double I tried to bear down. I threw some really good curve balls (amazing how you could make the ball move even in 1985 crappy Nintendo Baseball) and got back to back K's. Then I got a grounder to SS to end the threat. The 5th inning was uneventful but my bats awoke in the 6th, putting up 5 more runs. 19-0 now. If the computer wasn't devasted now, I don't know when they'd ever be. I
got into minor trouble in the bottom of the 6th, but a nifty DP took care of business. I figured up 19-0 it may be time to record this puppy for immortality. Hopefully I wasn't bringing on the jinx. But first it was time to go for 20.

After putting runners on the corners with 0 out, 20 was in definite reach. After scratching home the 20th run, I got two quick outs. But then the big blow came in leiu of a nice 3 run homer to break my personal record of runs scored in a game.

A three run homer gave me a new high in runs scored

Up 24-0 I was beyond amped. Only 3 innings to go and I wasn't about to blow this opportunity. After getting two quick outs on sharply hit balls I gave up a double in the gap. Shit...had I pissed the computer off to the point that my shutout was doomed?

Whew...bullet dodged there. With renewed vigor the bats continued to pile on the offense in the top of the 8th.

Holy shit, 27-0. Unreal. 30 was a definite possibility at this point! But more importantly I wanted the shutout.

After adding another run to make it 28-0, to the bottom of the 8th we went. 6 outs away from a dream fulfilled. Again I found myself in trouble, giving up a one out double. After inducing a popup it was 2 outs with a runner on 2nd. Here's the play:

You could hear the excitement in my voice. It was a mixture of glee and anxiety. And disbelief.

After going scoreless in the top of the 9th I took my 28-0 lead into the bottom of the 9th. Just 3 outs away.

Here's the entire 9th inning in it's entirety:

Unbelievable! Can't believe I did it. Sure I screamed like a little girl. But who cares. It more than made my day. I think I was more excited about that then the Yanks or Cowboys winning a championship.

With my new found Baseball success I tried to complete another feat. Going an entire season in Tecmo Bowl without giving up a single point.

Was I successful? Tune in later to find out!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 00:56:00 +0000

I'm from Hollywood...Florida??

So probably 0.0000001% of you saw this today (well yesterday by the time this post goes up in Wordpress land), but thousands of cranky NYC commuters did. On page 6 of AM New York (too bad it wasn't the "other page six") I was quoted in the "Sound Off" area of the paper.

My quote was my response to the feeding the pigeon ban fiasco as reported here on Monday. I was engaged in a heated debate on the AM New York site about the ban and seemed to be the only one in favor of it.

In the message board I was called "an animal hater" and basically told to go to hell by some pigeon fucking assholes.

But nonetheless, in plain print was my opinion on the matter:

If you want to see the paper in its entirety you can view it here: http://www.amny.com/media/acrobat/2007-11/23136028.pdf

Now, I'm definitely honored that they would select my quote to appear in the newspaper. I haven't been quoted in a newspaper since my college days, and that's when I was quoted as saying Marv Albert was my role model just a few days before he was found biting prostitutes in the back. So this ink was decidely much more positive.

Actually my full quote on the site was: "I wholeheartedly agree with the ban. If you grew up in any part of the city you know that by and large pigeons are for the most part pests. Their shit literally rots away our bridges and buildings. They don't contribute anything to the city. They're not pretty and "bird watchable" by any means. Anyone feeding a pigeon should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Perhaps their punishment should be having a gang of pigeons shitting in their house for a week and we'll see how they like it."

So AM New York did some censorship on my behalf. But whatever. These days you can't even print the word shit without the Federal Cocksucking Commission coming down on you. But to see what the discussion forum was where they grabbed my quote, you can view it here: http://www.topix.net/forum/source/am-new-york/TPG285OEGMQ7RGO4F.

It's definitely worth a laugh seeing how stupid these pigeon fuckers are. Especially this douchebag Adam quoted besides me in the paper. Does his quote even make sense? Seriously. "Does anyone even know the price of gas? Anyone know what the implications are?". What the fuck does that have to do with eliminating pigeon shit asshole? Way to make a complete asshole out of yourself. If this was a debate I would have wiped the floor with him.

Anyway, what pissed me off was the quote said I lived in Hollywood, Florida. I mean I'm not knocking Hollywood, FL. I'm sure it's a lovely community of dinosaurs and retired Jews from up north.

I mean, it's on the ocean. It has it's own government. And it's welcome sign is a lot nicer than that shitty sign that greets you out in the "other Hollywood":

You sit there and tell me that sign is not nicer than this piece of shit:

I rest my case.

But still, it was a little bizarre to see someone quoted on a NYC pigeon shitting problem from Hollywood, FL. I just about lost all my street cred with that one.

Thanks alot AM New York.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 13:53:00 +0000

Finally a bill worth passing!

Firstly...how bout them Cowboys! Big win for the boys over the weekend knocking off the Giants, who basically spent the last 4 weeks playing Junior Varsity. Glad they finally got knocked back to earth.

Now, onto the news of the day. I read in AM New York this morning that Councilman Simcha Felder from Brooklyn is looking to put a ban on feeding pigeons.

As reported here back in July, pigeons have become bigger and nastier in recent days. I reported that due to steriod based grass fertilizers, pigeons have been on a eating spree, gobbling up as much steriod infused seeds as they can get their beaks on. Also it's well known that pigeon shit is highly acidic and causes the rotting and decay of our bridges, buildings and infrastructure.

A pigeon performing a "shit and run" in NYC

So this bill would effectively ban all feeding of pigeons. Furthermore the bill calls for the creation of a "pigeon czar to be held accountable for all the city's pigeon-related complaints".

Now if the city had any brains at all they'd appoint me pigeon czar. Just give me a shotgun and I'd effectively end the pigeon overpopulation problem for good. And anyone caught feeding a pigeon would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

What would that punishment be? I'd unleash a gang of ugly, unruly pigeons, lock them in the offender's house or apartment for a week, feeding them nothing but Ex-Lax and Metamusil. I'd lock the violator in the house as well, leaving them to defend themselves against the shit fueled rage that would transpire. Then after the week was up, I'd "humanely execute" all of the pigeons in the house leaving the homeowner to clean up the mess of shit and pigeon carcasses. I bet your bottom dollar that the violator of pigeon law would never, ever feed a pigeon ever again!

If they did violate a second time....they would be met with death. No questions asked.

Think I'm the only one with these thoughts? Think again.

Take a look at the Royal Society for the Preservation of Pigeon Killing, which is better known as KillthePigeons.com

There's countless stories on this site of how pigeons destroy our every day lives and also reports on the "heros" who help rid the world of pesky pigeons.

Are you sick of pigeons shitting on your new coat the first time you wear it? Are you tired of having to dodge swarms of pigeons on the street as soon as someone so much as feeds them a small piece of bread? Speak up. Support Councilman Felder's proposal ban on pigeon feeding! Join the cause and let's keep the damn pigeon population under control!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 19:20:00 +0000

Ain't no bagel worth no $1,000

Na ah. A bagel worth one large? Fuggetaboutit.

But it's the truth son.

Some fancy pants chef created this so called "$1,000 bagel" using white truffle cream cheese and goji berry infused Riesling jelly with golden leaves. Say what?

The bagel is the brainchild of chef Frank Tujague of The Westin New York hotel. Apparently proceeds from the bagel go to some foundation for aspiring chefs. But regardless could you imagine just asking for a bagel and cream cheese and having to whip out 10 benjamins to pay for it? Grandma Ruthie would have a heart attack. I mean a bagel with lox these days is expensive enough!

But, $1,000 for a bagel is just a drop in the bucket compared to this $25,000 hot chocolate!

Apparently this hot chocolate served at Seredipity (where else) called a "Frrozen Haute Chocolate," is a mixture of 28 types of cocoas, 14 which apparently are the "most expensive and exotic from around the globe". I'm sorry, but I didn't realize there were more exotic brands of hot chocolate than Ghirardelli. Fuck, I don't think I get much more fancy than the 60 pack of Swiss Miss.

If that's not enough, the dessert is "infused with 5 grams (0.2 ounces) of edible 23-karat gold and served in a goblet lined with edible gold. At the base of the goblet is an 18-karat gold bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds. The sundae is topped with whipped cream covered with more gold and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier, which sells for $2,600 a pound."

Oh and to top it off, "it is eaten with a gold spoon decorated with white and chocolate-colored diamonds, which can also be taken home."

What the fuck. That shit better give you an instant orgasm in your pants and better get you laid all night...especially after paying $25k for that shit! You know how many women you can get at one time with $25k??? (Wait before you answer that, I forgot that's not even a drop in the bucket apparently at Scores, where that poor bastard ran up a $250,000 tab a few years back). How the fuck did he do that again?

And I'm sorry...if I'm buying my significant other a bracelet with 1 carat of white diamonds, I sure as hell ain't covering that shit in any chocolate or whipped cream. Talk about devalueing a piece of jewelry. Do that with a piece of shit piece of jewelry you buy at the mall or at Spencer's Gifts that ain't cost more than $1.

Ridiculous. Really. There's millions of starving people out there, and assholes are buying desserts and bagels for thousands of dollars. No wonder why so many people hate Americans.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 01:09:00 +0000

The votes are in...

And there's a new presidential candidate in town.

Fresh off Stephen Colbert withdrawing his nomination in the state of South Carolina for a possible presidential run, another candidate has filled his void.

This candidate is full of anger and hate but is a great debater and would instill fear into all who opposed him.

That candidate is none other than Angry Bear!

The Angry Bear has already been hitting the campaign trails with full force. His popularity, spurred by his appearance in the Borat movie, is growing by the day.

Although he'll need to act quickly to get all the support he can before he hibernates for the winter.

And he'll need to shed that grizzlied exterior too in favor of a softer look. Perhaps he can take a cue from Johnny Damon:

An appearance on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't hurt either ;)

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 23:23:00 +0000

Are you 'shitting' me

So thanks to John for this 'scoop' today.

Apparently there's a memo in Florida that was created by a sheriff's office warning of a new drug called "Jenkem".

This drug is "a homemade substance which consists of fecal matter and urine. The fecal matter and urine are placed in a bottle or jar and covered most commonly with a balloon. The container is then placed in a sunny area for several hours or days until fermented. The contents of the container will separate and release a gas, which is captured in the balloon. Inhaling the gas is said to have a euphoric high similar to ingesting cocaine but with strong hallucinations of times past".

Although in doing some research, it looks like (according to Wikipedia), "the first media description of Jenkem came from an Inter Press Service wire report in 1995."

The smoking gun just got their hands on this memo and posted it on their site.

The Smoking Gun hasn't found verification of any student actually using the drug but honestly I wouldn't be surprised if they were. Actually it's been reported this drug was often used in Germany just before prostitutes took part in shizer videos. Ok I can't really back that up.

But could you imagine getting high off of a combination of stale feces and urine? No thanks. That smell definitely wouldn't put me in an euphoric state. It may make me puke my guts up everywhere, but it's doubtful if you could get that much of a buzz from the smell?

Anyone out there ever use it and if so what was your experience?

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 00:09:00 +0000

Race Day

So as everyone knows yesterday was the NYC Marathon and while I'm not a runner in any sense of the word, I'm proud to say I was able to jump in with Rich for a few miles. I'm surprised I even made it as far as my apt on 100st to the Willis Ave Bridge on 125th (which was over a mile). But I went further, and actually made it into the Bronx and back into Manhattan, cutting out of the race around 125th and 5th.

Honestly just having the people watching and rooting you on is a great experience and keeps you motivated to keep going. I honestly don't know how marathoners can keep that up for all 26.2 miles, but I can see where you get the thrill and adraneline to keep pushing yourself to the finish. If my knees ever hold up it would be cool to run the entire marathon. Maybe I'll just get a job as one of those bikers though...seems to be a little easier on the knees :)

Waiting for the call

Into the crowd

Off and running

Even though I'm extremely sore, I definitely won't complain. I got to meet and hang out with a man who, despite his physical disabilities, just completed his 40th marathon on Sunday.

Jason Pisano is an extremely gifted athlete from Rhode Island who has cerebal palsy. He pushes well beyond his physical limitations however and is on a quest to finish 50 marathons in their entirety. Most athletes will only attempt a handful of marathons in their lifetime, but Jay is only 10 short from completing his goal of 50.

Jay on the road during Sunday's marathon

Not only is he an extraordinary athlete, he lights up the room with his smile and personality. He is very well known and instantly recognizable, and just last night during dinner we had a few people come up to our table and offer their congrats to him on finishing the race.

To read more about Jason and his quest for 50 marathons, you can go to: http://www.teampisano.blogspot.com/

If you would like to support Jason or Disabled Athletes in general, you may do so through the National Disability Sports Alliance.

To specifically help support Jason's training and racing through the NDSA (a 501C(3) non-profit organization) you can make checks payable to:

NDSA Travel and Training Fund (Jason Pisano)

Mail Checks to:
Jerry McCole
National Disability Sports Alliance
25 West Independence Way
South Kingston, RI 02881

If you have questions about the fund please contact Jerry McCole 401 792-7130.

I hope to be present for his 41st marathon quest in Boston and maybe even jump in for a few miles to improve on my NYC marathon experience.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Sat, 03 Nov 2007 01:19:00 +0000

Story from today's youth

So couldn't resist putting this up real quick. I found this paper on the street outside a public school in East Harlem.

It's a story written by a 4th grader entitled:

When I fell off the slied

"One day on a monday I did go to school becauses my sister alway wake me up when it time for school But she didn't this time. My Mom was mad at me becaues I didn't go to school and learn what we was learning today then I ask my mom can I go outside and she said we all going outside. Then when we got outside to the park aross the street when me and my mom when in the park then I saw my friends Then I started to play tag then I tryed to Jump over the slied then all I saw was my face on the floor then I went to my mom an ask her do I have stuff on my nose and she siad nothen my mom said be careful and I said ok then I finish playing. Then we went upstairs then I went to school on tuesday."

Congrats young student...you have broken the record for most uses of the word then in a story.

I can't believe how poorly this is written. Then again I guess it shouldn't surprise me. I mean that's the way their parents and family speak so it's not like their learning proper grammar in their households.

It's a shame really. Today's teachers have a tough job educating our youth...and I have nothing but respect for them. Cause if a student gave me this story, I'd be like Boo, you out yo goddamned mind ain't no one write a story about no fallin off no slide then tell everyone that their momma told her that their ain't nothin on her nose and shit, fool...

Anyway, on a more inspirational note, here's a short video of a remarkable young man who is trying to finish 50 marathons. Jay Pisano has cerebal palsy and races backwards in a wheelchair. Jay is running the NYC Marathon on Sunday and hopefully anyone in the city will get the chance to root this young man on.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 02:53:00 +0000

Gimme Gimme More...

I have to say...the song is growing on me. Big time. Actually I heard all of Britney's new album is the bomb.

Good for her. Glad she's back. Even if she was the worst singer out of the group of girls (xtina, jessica, etc) at least she's got the best dance jams.

May have to make a whole shower songs album with nothing but Britney songs.

No worries, I'll get working on that for you guys.

And I'll even drop the soap ;)

Speaking of "taking one for the team", how funny is it that A-rod was offered a contract by the Toledo Mud Hens?

That's fucking great...although apparently they have a MVP third baseman already...perhaps that guy can play for the Yanks! Joey G get on that buddy.

I'm ok with Girardi as manager and not Mattingly. Why? Well Girardi has already been on the front line as a manager and proved to be a hard noser manager much like he was a hard nosed player. Mattingly would have been a shill (or plant if you will) for the team. Meaning that he would have been the whipping boy for Steinbrenner when the team struggled and didn't win the WS again. And the fans would have eventually turned on Mattingly because he too couldn't "motivate" this team to get into shape. I think if the youth movement is truly on (and lord knows everyone who knows me knows I've been calling for that for a longggg time), Girardi is the kinda of guy who will whip players into shape. Just look what he did with that Marlins team with young guns like Dontrelle and Miguel Cabrera. It should be interesting times up in the BX...especially since the Sox are still the favorite to win again next year.

Anyway, I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight and came across some cool clips on YouTube of a young pianist named David Sides.

Apparently I must be the last person to have discovered him, as many of his clips have over 500,000 views on YouTube already. That and he just released a CD of his songs available on MySpace thanks to his popularity!

This guy is legit. I'm a big fan of the ivory keys and he plays it just as well as anyone. He doesn't even read the sheet music...he just plays. Melodies and backgrounds and all. You gotta love that.

His new CD includes the following tracks:
01. Ciara – Like A Boy : Piano Cover By David Sides
02. Chris Brown – Say Goodbye : Piano Cover By David Sides
03. Akon – Don’t Matter : Piano Cover By David Sides
04. T-Pain – Buy You A Drink : Piano Cover By David Sides
05. Ne-Yo – Because Of You : Piano Cover By David Sides
06. Rihanna – Umbrella : Piano Cover By David Sides
07. Bone Thug – I Try : Piano Cover By David Sides
08. Mario – How Do I Breathe : Piano Cover By David Sides
09. Omarion – Ice Box : Piano Cover By David Sides
10. Robin Thicke – Lost Without You : Piano Cover By David Sides
11. Sean Paul – We Be Burnin' : Piano Cover By David Sides
12. Marques Houston – Circle : Piano Cover By David Sides
13. Fat Joe – Make It Rain : Piano Cover By David Sides
14. Musiq Soulchild – Buddy : Piano Cover By David Sides
15. Coldplay – Clocks : Piano Cover By David Sides
16. Coldplay – The Scientist : Piano Cover By David Sides
17. Bonus Track - Nickelback - Far Away
18. Bonus Track - Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around

Now if you've been living under a rock like I apparently have and haven't seen his work, here are some of my favs:

What Goes Around by J.T.

Far Away by Nickleback

Umbrella by Rhianna (off the hook!)

The Scientist by Coldplay

We Be Burning by Sean Paul

Clocks by Coldplay

Good shit. I definitely would see him in concert. Awesome stuff Mr. Sides keep up the good work.

Anyway...I'm off to bed, got a big day of shooting clays tomorrow complete with a 5:30am wake up call. That and it's a busy weekend on tap in WPMB land, including yours truly attempting to run a small leg of the NYC marathon with Rich (let's see how long I can last!)

Until next time America.

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 18:30:00 +0000

"Cult" of Personality

So I'm stealing a line from one of my most favorite songs of all time, Living Colour's Cult of Personality.

Although the cult I'm referring to are the fans that inhabit Darrel Royal Stadium at the University of Texas, Austin.

I was last at a Longhorns game about 5 years ago and was amazed by how every single fan knew every single chant and battle hymn. Coming from a I-AA football school, we were lucky if students remembered when the team was actually at home.

Anyway, I had the chance to go to another Longhorns game this past weekend, as we were down in Austin celebrating Rich's bachelor party. We saw UT take on perennial powerhouse Nebraska, who themselves have been struggling of late.

The hotel we stayed at (the Days Inn University) was packed full of Nebraska fans who made the trip down south. However, not wanting to be the enemies of 80,000 fans that pack into the stadium, we decide to don the home burnt orange and white.

The crew donning the burnt orange and white

We ended up tailgating at Sholz Garten before the game...which was this huge facility with a large backyard picnic type area with hundreds of peeps packed in. They had a large indoor hall with a big screen TV, where diehards were glued to one of the games. Outside they had a few bars with bbq grills. After waiting in line for 20 minutes for a pulled pork sandwich at one of the pits, I grabbed a seat and took a bite. However said pulled pork was kinda cold and very fatty. Definitely not an appetizing snack whatsoever, especially added to the fact I waited 20 minutes to get it.

The disappointing pulled pork at Sholz

Other than that the beer was great (kudos for having Spaten Oktoberfest on draft!) and the atmosphere was pretty kick ass!

(side rant coming: everything in Austin is made to order. Nothing is cooked ahead of time. While this is a nice touch, it adds completely unnecessary delays, especially at a tailgate or even at the game itself. The lines all day were ridiculous, because even soda from the fountain was made to order. They even ran out of hotdogs and pretzels before half time because they didn't keep filling the machines. At Sholz, they made the burgers to order. So they waited for someone to order before throwing it on the grill. Now, when you have a line, of lets say 50 people or so, good planning dictates more than half of them will be getting a burger when it's one of the 5 items you offer up. Dont'cha think you should have a bunch grilling and ready to rock, instead of having people stand there for 20 minutes? I mean I appreciate the "human touch", I really do. But let's talk about efficiencies here people. Think ahead. Prepare. Don't run out of fuckin hotdogs at a football game. Thanks).

Back to football. Even though the team is struggling a bit this season, the fans were rapid from the opening ceremonies. The old PeeWee favorite "The Stars at Night are Big and Bright...Deep in the Heart of Texas" gets the crowd singing along, young and old alike. Not even at a professional football game will you find the crowd as pumped up before the game even starts than you will at UT. Case in point, when the players emerge from the tunnel and head across the field for a pre-game prayer, the fans pray with them.

It's not all that surprising considering that in a state like Texas, football and god go hand-in-hand.

The Longhorns ended up winning the game 28-25. Nebraska actually had a lead in the second half with momentum, but couldn't capitalize on a Interception around midfield as their drive stalled and ultimately UT took advantage of their superior talent in the game.

There's some more stories to share, including how it took us over an hour to get food served to us at two different locations over the weekend...so stay tuned!

noreply@blogger.com (Chris) — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:40:00 +0000

Joey! Joey!

The "Tsunami" has done it again. After getting beaten around by Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti in recent competitions, my man Joey redeemed himself by eating an astonishing 103 Crystal burgers in 8 minutes to take the 2007 Crystal Eating championship!

You can check out the short Sportscenter vidoe recap here: http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?&brand=null&videoId=3084545&n8pe6c=2

That my friends is un fucking real. The previous record was 97 by Kobayashi...so this was 6 better. How crazy is Joey's feat? Well how about devouring an average of nearly 13 burgers a minute! Now before you run off saying they're small, and that's not a "real burger"...you try eating 103 of anything in 8 minutes and see if you can do it! Even some of the best eaters in the world only hit in the 40-50 burger range in 8 minutes. Over 100 is just un thinkable.

Personally I'm more of a White Castle guy myself, but having never had a Krystal I won't knock it till I try it. Just word of advice, if you're searching for Krystal in Google's image search, let's just say you're gonna get a different set of "buns":

I mean not that there's anything wrong with those buns...but in case you happen to be in a public place, you may want to proceed with caution.

For those waiting for a story from this weekend's bachelor party in Austin, I'll have that and some pics for you shortly.

Thanks for your patience. :)