I personally hate wearing my seat belt for all kinds of reasons, but the most common one that keeps popping up is that it will not make me or the next guy a safer driver. Secondly, is my free will not acceptable in the argument of safety first?

Need an example? I thought you might. If I am old enough to smoke, drink, enlist in the army, and vote then how come I am not allowed to choose whether or not I want to wear a seat belt. All those things have the potential to kill me but they are not illegal if you are of a certain age. So I am of that age… why does it not apply to seat belts?

Sure, I get that “it’s better to be safe than sorry”. What if I would rather be a better driver and not leave safety up to law enforcement, other drivers, or anyone else for that matter? For instance, I am very intentional about being a safe driver. I have avoided maybe 10 or more accidents that would have not been my fault. Even though I should have hit the guy to teach him a lesson. What lesson? The lesson that wearing a seat belt will not make you a better or dare I say smarter driver. I drive defensively and am very effective at driving well. What next? Will it be illegal to walk without a helmet!! Where does it end?

I will pay my ticket and likely continue to drive without a seat belt, but if I do decide to start wearing one it will not be because I feel safer or that it will protect me. It will be because I don’t have the $55 to waste on a stupid law!

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “I am going to drop a flying elbow on this day.”
2.) “COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE” - (buzz buzz buzz. And one of the best ice cream flavors ever made might be Coffee Coffee Buzz Buzz Buzz.)
3.) “Dear Cheaptickets.com why does your website say you over charged me by $1500 ?? Just curious.” - (”Maybe they combined your Hannah Montana and Disney Princess on Ice tickets together?” - some other person on Facebook)
4.) “Thankful, thankful, thankful. …and happy. and thankful.” - (You would think you would be more happy being so thankful and all.)
5.) “christmas music makes me jolly” - (As long as it doesn’t make you a green giant as well.)
6.) “oh hamburgers!” - (oh peaches!)
7.) “Today I spilled Cheerios all over the kitchen floor. I called my dog into the room to help me clean them up. We got away with it.” - (dude, I do that all time, sometimes I add milk too.)
8.) “Come on Denver.” - (The Broncos were playing the Squealers at the moment of this status post.)
9.) “i’ve got some openings today, five dollars off, come in.” - (Some services shouldn’t be offered on Facebook.)
10.) There is no #10 because the article is titled “What To Do About TODAY’S TOP 9 FACEBOOK STATUSES 11/09/09″.

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In this tight economic time, some people feel the need to let there gas bill go till it’s shut off. Ooook, but what about your hot shower? I don’t have a problem showering in the cold water, I often get naked and stand in the rain as it comes down and cleanses this world and my “world” too. Clearly I am in the minority. I think it was all those years of landscaping in the humid Ohio heat. It was enough to make me not wait for the water to get warm, I just jumped in the shower, washed the grass and grime off of myself, and was out in 5 minutes.

Still… there are a few who cannot stand it. So it’s understandable when you hear complaints about the gas being shut off. My wife likes the bloody water so hot that she gets a “sun” burn in it, you know? Like a freaking lobster or something. What’s the big deal you ask? Well aside from the toxic effect, which I will not get into, it makes for one heck of a shower transfer. Shower transfer you ask? A shower transfer is something that two married people do when they are in a hurry to get to bed or go somewhere.

Often shower transfers are done in our house, and if you do this be a gentleman and let your wife go first. If you are smart make sure to test that water before you get in. When I get in it’s so hot that it burns my feet and I cannot even get to the nozzle to turn it down. All of this happens while my wife laughs at me… laughs until I turn it to cold. This is where I like it: 3/4 to cold, with a bite to it. It’s invigorating! Not to mention a lot less toxic.

If you are a pansy and you have no hot water, suck it up and be a man! Your boys will be back in an hour. Till then think of all the things you could get done, like finally taking out the kitty litter, emptying the trash or even doing the dishes. Am I saying that your manhood gets in the way of helping your wife? Maybe, but one thing is for sure, once she notices the things you have done for her…. Well never mind, you’ll be productive let’s just say that.

If you have no hot water, try boiling some and taking a shallow bath, this will give you time to shave your legs, Pansy! Until your hot water comes back on, try a “Marine corp shower”. This involves lots of cologne. If this does not tickle your fancy, try to take a fire shower. Stand by a bonfire or a gas grill and throw water on yourself washing only the necessities!

It’s easy to be scared by a wahalligan. When they come through the wall and fly at you, typically, the response is to shriek in utter horror. I would advise against this. If you take the time to speak calmly to them and look at them… you will see that they are friendly furry little creatures. They just want a friend.

I would advise having some cookies and milk ready and at your disposal… wahalligans love cookies and milk. They are much like WTDATerry… they love to get some cookies in the middle of the night.

If you spend enough time with them you will eventually start to get a grasp of their silly way of communicating. Sometimes they will go “wooeee, wooeee” which expresses their delight and happiness… usually when you give them cookies they make this sound. Other times they will make a low grunt followed by a swoosh of their wings. From what I have seen this is when they come across something new or are unsure of what they should do… then they make this sound and look at each other.

Wahalligans are quickly fading and could soon become extinct if protective measures are not taken. So many people are blinded by fear that they cannot see the good in wahalligans. It’s like so many other things in life where our fear of the unknown causes us to miss out on so much good.

So go hug a wahalligan today. You’ll be glad you did!

I think, like a lot of other things, that when you are picking a mate there are some things that can tell you a lot about them. For instance: do they take cream in their coffee? Do they like sports? (if male) Do they pee standing up? (if female) Does she know which way is north?

With some of these questions lies the very topic of this article, buying feminine products. Some would argue that “it’s a noble thing to do for the one you love”, um no… opening the door for her is a noble thing, giving her your coat when it’s cold outside is a noble thing. Going into a grocery store only to have the following happen to you is far from noble!:

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the check out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the clerk got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word ‘Tampax’ for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?

Now this seems like it could be rare and ‘ok’ maybe so, but on the off chance that it might happen I would just walk out. I would rather bare my own ass to my mother than take that embarrassment. (pun intended).

So what does it say that I will not go and buy feminine products for my wife? Well, since I have been saying it before I even met my wife, for 12 years in fact, I think it is an answered prayer… which makes me a man of prayer, which is marriage material if you ask me!

Please read.

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
“Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.”

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Todays best Facebook statuses currently being used by my friends (on Facebook that is) are listed below.

(names will remain anonymous)

1.) “7 mile run through a farm village in Italy this morning. Life is good. ” - (Sounds great minus the 7 mile run and morning parts.)
2.) “Dear Bears, Do you have any other players you want to cut or trade, please call Mike Brown directly. We LOVE pro-bowl running backs but could use a tight end. Your BFF’s, Cincy” - (This was my status earlier in the day, my name is Nathan Mallon.)
3.) “never smart to put a pic of Miss Piggy on your wifes facebook page…even when she has swine flu”
4.) “is gonna raise the bridge, file down the nut, and take the buzz out the low E…” - (Sounds painful!)
5.) “Our greatest fear as individuals should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter…….”
6.) “It’s my beautiful wife @laurencapozzi’s birthday today. I still can’t believe she’s almost 40!” - (The last 10 years have really flown by.)
7.) “wide awake….i guess that’s good. :-)” - (I’m kind of narrow awake.)
8.) “Sitting in the sun. Hmmm, lovely.” - (You’re still alive?)
9.) “is Edward Band-aid Hands… So says her husband.” - (That’s why you guys are always holding hands.)
10.) “I’m in Ohio. Yay me! And there’s something comforting in it being as boring and retarded as ever. Annoying…but comforting.”

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I don’t think that I had a problem like this with ketchup when I was a kid, I am pretty sure my thing was milk. I would have milk all the time no matter what. Breakfast- milk, lunch- milk, dinner- milk, vodka- milk you get the picture right? I like milk.

So the ketchup thing does not translate for me. One thing I do find funny is that my wife still likes it on things too, just like the kids. Weird? I know.

The other night I was sitting there eating my dinner which happened to be oven fried chicken and homemade french fries. I looked up and saw not one person eating ketchup on the chicken but 3, every one was but me. I looked at my wife and said, “really?” She said “what?” to which I replied “what!”, but that is a whole other article. I asked her why she had ketchup on her chicken and she said something about really liking it. I think it’s weird and smothers the taste, but my kids think it’s great.

After dinner, that same night, I left the dinning room and was watching Tv and out of the corner of my eye was my oldest son licking the plates of his mom and younger brother. Sure ketchup is good, but good enough to be licked off of a plate? I don’t think so, as a matter of fact I know so…

This problem has an easy answer and that is to secretly place some hot sauce in the ketchup when the family is not looking and they will stop eating it so much. I might laugh so hard that milk comes out of my nose!

I should probably also mention that Terry does not go out and purchase these pajama pants with his own hard earned money, no, if he did that I would have less respect for him. I am told that Terry regularly receives these interesting pajama pants from his mother-in-law and I have respect for him because he is secure in his manhood. We often hang out at Terry’s house and write these interesting articles together and Terry seems completely comfortable with himself. He wears his black house slippers and winter-themed pajama pants with confidence, he doesn’t care what we might be thinking about his apparel. I like that.

Anyways, this article is mostly written for us WTDAers (WTDA Tim and myself), so that later in the future when we start thinking to ourselves: “what is Terry thinking wearing those silly pants with igloos and snowflakes on them?” We can read this article and remember that Terry doesn’t care what we think, he is comfortable and he is his own man. Shouldn’t I be just as comfortable? Yes, yes I should.

Have a good night friends.

Finding the game on the iphone has rekindled a love for a game that I thought I grew out of. Much to my surprise the attraction has never died. The game is so addictive that I find myself playing it all the time, even when there is a football game on or one of my favorite shows. I will pick it up and play during a commercial and before you know it I am lost in a land of building blocks and ticking clocks.

The game has been such a part of my life that I have become really good at moving, I can stack boxes with the best of them. I have friends calling me all the time to help them move… well, it might have something to do with my ability to back a 23 foot uhaul truck into the crack of your ass. But I digress.

Tetris is a simple game and maybe that is why I like it, because I am a simple dude and easily entertained. Playing this game has really done nothing for me but made me of high demand for moving. SO is there any benefit at all?

Nope. But I don’t care! I am going to build stuff with pixel blocks till the cows come home, because it makes me happy. What I am going to do about this problem is get a bigger game and play it on my TV. This will surely help me to stop staring at my iphone. Right?