Once upon a time, there was an oleh….we’ll call him Renji.  Renji got fed up with the stupid tourist t-shirts that hadn’t changed since the Ben-Gurion Administration.  You know the ones:  ”Super Jew”….”My Job is So Secret, Even I Don’t Know What I’m Doing”…the upside down “Go *&^% Yourself”.  Ok, admittedly, that one is still kind of amusing to this day.  But you’re telling me that we can’t do better in the 21st century than to recycle the same dorky shirts?

After complaining to his friends about the same ol’ shirts, Renji finally did something about it and hired his good friend Swillary to design some new shirts based on a few ideas he came up with.  Voila!  Funny Israeli t-shirts!

The response to Renji’s shirts was quite positive but there was only one problem.  Renji couldn’t sell them.  Well, to be more accurate, Renji couldn’t make them, not in bulk anyway.  Rather than front the money for tons of designs, styles, and colors, he set up a site on a Cafe Press-type on-demand site where they’re only printed (wait for it) on demand.  Before the shirts were even marked up, they were over $20 at the absolute minimum.  Renji knew from that point that nobody would want to buy them but he didn’t feel like committing his life to running a t-shirt business.

This little fairy tale is so old that Renji even had hair and lenses on his old t-shirt site.
Unfortunately, his hairline did not live happily ever after (although it did recede into the sunset.)

Oh well…you live, you learn.  Renji was pleased that he had at least given it a shot and never regretted it a bit.  He learned that from every failure comes a lesson and that no project is so urgent that it must be rushed into immediately. Another time would come.  However, Renji continued to think about his t-shirts, wishing he might get another chance to raise the lame level of t-dorkiness in local stores.

One day, a year and a half later, Renji was accepted to participate in the Schusterman Foundation’s ROI Summit, a conference which “unites young creative Jews with like-minded peers, mentors and professionals in an effort to develop and promote current and unique initiatives.”  Upon checking into his hotel room on Mt. Scopus, imagine Renji’s surprise to find out that his roommate was a man named David Kramer.  Who’s David Kramer, you ask?  Well, David Kramer just happens to be the founder of the NU Campaign, a company which makes socially conscious t-shirts supporting different causes and stories.  Amazingly, David and Renji had traveled in the exact same circles, working with groups like Masa Israel, Birthright, and Nefesh B’Nefesh.  They stayed in touch after the conference, meeting several times in Jerusalem and even in Denver at the JFNA General Assembly.  And now?

Renji and David are proud to announce the NU Campaign’s new “Benji Lovitt series”!  There’s a new page on the site called “Funny” which includes, as of today, four shirts.  Three of them are Renji’s.  Which ones?  In the unlikely event that you can’t guess, they’re the ones which say (you’re not going to believe this) “yiyeh b’seder“.  More will follow.

These specific shirts are $18 for online purchase but are on sale in the store, located on Shlomzion Hamalka Street, just a stone’s throw from Ben-Yehudah and Zion Square.  Anyone reading this who frequents Jerusalem should definitely check out the store where you can find shirts benefitting causes like Save a Child’s Heart, the Leket Food Bank, Arsim for Hair Gel, and more.  (Ok, so forget the last one.)

They say that good things come to those who wait.  Hopefully t-shirts come, too.  I’m thrilled to be working with such a cool initiative and to be helping them promote all their shirts to Birthright Israel groups starting this winter.

So head on down to the store to check out the cool stuff they’re doing and to the website as well.  And if you can’t make it any time soon?  Just remember….yiyeh b’seder!

From our recent Hahafuch variety show….enjoy!

Boker tov-did you have a nice Shabbat?  Funny how after five-plus years here, I’ve realized that I call the weekend “Shabbat” irrespective of religious connotations.  I had a typical lazy weekend in Jerusalem, relaxing and watching illegally downloaded movies, or as I like to call them, “movies”.  On the topic of copyright infringement, I was chatting with my friend Jason about SOPA, trying to figure it all out.  I don’t know enough about the topic to have come to an opinion yet but as I’ve discussed with my chumus club friends, it is bizarre that ever since Napster came along, everybody steals music and movies with no conscience.  I appreciate the major companies’ desire to take action but as Jason put forth, perhaps Congress should be using tweezers to combat piracy, not a sledgehammer.  Which brings me to my main question:  ”how do you combat piracy with tweezers?”

Whatever…I’ve got “movies” to watch.

This weekend, I decided to rewatch the “Star Wars” trilogy, as it had been several years.  I’m sure I saw these approximately 87,500 times as a kid but not in at least fifteen years or so, when they were rereleased in theaters during my last semester in college, and probably not for many years before that. I wanted to see if I would appreciate them different as an adult.  (Ever see a movie as a kid and then realize many years later that you might have missed some important details the first time around?  I seem to remember “The Sound of Music” being on TV on Thanksgiving.  As far as I could tell, it was a happy movie about family, dogs biting, bees stinging, lonely goats, and other stuff.  A couple of hours in, I’d fall asleep.  Fast-forward to adulthood.  Do you know what that movie is really about?  NAZIS!  Lots of ‘em!  Big, bad ones!  Austria in the 1930s…who would have thunk it?  Kind of put a damper on all the frolicking and “do-re-mi” shenanigans (shenaniganim)).

A few things which popped into my mind while watching the trilogy…

• C3PO speaks over six million forms of communication…and I can’t learn Hebrew.  That sucks.  Then again, maybe he lived in a city where he could better immerse himself with foreign droids.  By the way, I wasn’t able to place his accent.  What part of London is he from?
• Who had a more annoying training process?  Luke, living in a swamp, or Daniel-san, having to build an entire deck?  It’s not clear.  Either way, seems like pretty good preparation for the army.  Are Jedis exempt from service like charedim?  Seems like studying the ways of the Force would be a pretty good excuse.  And on that note, the Emperor was definitely an extremist.  That guy should lighten up (and consider eye make-up).  And what are the odds that Mr. Miyagi was based on Yoda?  If you replace Yoda’s pointy ears with Mr. Miyagi’s love of the bonsai tree, they’re pretty darn similar.
• I’m not embarrassed to say that I think I know “Spaceballs” better than “Star Wars” (again, the age thing).  Anyone who isn’t thinking “dink dink, dink dink dink DINK DINK DIIIINK!” when the Jawas show up is lying.
• Maybe I’m late to the observation party but did anyone else catch Jabba smoking a nargila?  I would definitely not want to partake after that dude.  A Wookiee is at least kind of like a big dog (and don’t dogs have really clean teeth?)  Jabbas’s more like someone who works at Mas Hachnasa.  And on that note…

“Solo…ah ah ah….mooga beechu apple flavor.”

• They should totally play the “Imperial Death March” when you walk into the arnona office for intimidation purposes.  If I had heard that the first time I tried to argue, I would have turned around and run home.
• And lastly, I’m not going to wait for him to die to give a Steve Jobs-like eulogy:  Harrison Ford is the coolest dude alive.  I’ve always been more of an Indy than a Han guy but when you throw in Dr. Richard Kimble and everything else, who was more of a bad-ass?

Now I can rewatch the first (last?) three episodes which I definitely haven’t seen since the theater.  I’d love to watch them with Hebrew subtitles just to see if they translate Darth Maul as “Kenyon Darth”.

Thanks to JewishBoston for commissioning this piece since picked up by Jpost.  

Chanukah. Hanukkah. Chanuka. So nice, I spelled it thrice. What’s not to like about the Festival of Lights? A time to sing….to play….to clog your arteries with cooking oil. LET’S PARTY! Whether you like your latkes with apple sauce or sour cream, there’s much to celebrate for eight days this December, so gather round, children, and let’s learn about the upcoming Jewish holiday.

What’s this celebration all about? In 168 BCE, the Syrian-Greek army gained control of the Jewish Temple. In 167 BCE, their king, Antiochus, declared that followers of Judaism would be killed. And in 166 BCE, Jewish rebels known as the Maccabees decided that two thousand years later, their descendants might need a reason to make dorky Youtube videos.

Like the Brady Bunch but with Alice and all other women banished to the kitchen.
(Hey, don’t blame me, I’m not the one making estrogen-free videos.) 

Regaining control of their land, the Maccabees returned to the Temple to discover that they only had enough oil to light the Temple’s ritual menorah (candelabrum) for one day. To their surprise, it lasted eight. And to this very day, we commemorate this miracle of the oil lasting eight days by eating an inhuman amount of fried foods. The most popular oil-coated delicacies are jelly doughnuts (sufganiyot, primarily in Israel) and deep-fried potato pancakes (latkes), which taste like pancakes in much the same way that cotton candy tastes like liquid mercury.

This little history and culinary lesson should clarify that despite the holiday’s close proximity to Christmas, the festivals really have nothing in common. Although Christmas is celebrated on the 25th of December and Chanukah begins on the 25th of the Jewish month of Kislev, rather than waiting for a fat man to visit, we Jews try to put on as much weight as humanly possible. Furthermore, while many Jews in the United States give gifts on these eight days, it is understood that this custom has developed simply so that Jewish children will not feel left out during Christmastime. (The Jewish holiday associated with gift-giving is actually Purim, which usually falls in March and may explain why halfway through the month, left-out Catholics are so eager to give each other the gift of green beer.)

To mark these eight festive days, Jews light a special menorah known as a chanukiyah which begs the question “what the heck is a non-special menorah?” The first night, we light one candle, the second night two, and so on. Each candle is lit from a separate candle called the shamash whose job is illumination, as using the ritual candles for light is forbidden. The shamash sits apart or above the others, which can occasionally lead to issues of jealousy, petty name calling, and online candle bullying.

See the one in the middle?  It’s about to sucker-punch the blue one to its right.  
WATCH OUT, LITTLE GUY!

Now that we’ve lit the candles and sung joyful songs, let’s have some fun. It is tradition for young children to play with a dreidel, a four-sided top with letters on each side, each one corresponding to an amount of goodies the spinner will win or lose, based on how the dreidel lands. The main lessons to take from this are, one, that Chanukah is a happy occasion, and two, that gambling should begin at a young age.

FYI: While many Diaspora Jews have a strong connection to Chanukah, it is not considered a major religious holiday in Judaism. Unlike on the Sabbath, celebrants are not commanded to rest, which is ironic considering that the large number of doughnuts might induce a food coma.

However you plan to celebrate, spin that dreidel loud and spin it proud. Chag Chanukah sameach!

Don’t miss my upcoming standup and variety shows (with Hahafuch).

Looking to laugh during the eight crazy nights?  I have shows in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv so mark your calendars now.

On Thursday, the 22nd, and Saturday, the 24th, my comedy troupe Hahafuch is putting on variety shows with all new sketches, our brand new “Aliyah Diaries” (think “The Vagina Monologues” but with fewer lady parts and more klitah stories), standup by Some Dumb Oleh, a musical guest, and more.  At 45 shekels for non-AACI members, it’s probably the best deal you can get in town.  Details on the flyer below and in the FB invite.

Sunday night, the 25th, I’ll be doing standup with Kandi Abelson in Tel Aviv at an Italian restaurant near the shuk.  Lasagna AND laughs?  What could be better?  Details here.  Come out!

And one more thing:  at the Jewish Federations of North America’s General Assembly last month, I was asked to give what’s called an Ignite presentation at the Rocky Mountain Schmooze, the happy hour for what we’ll call the “Next Gen” happy hour (you know, anyone between eighteen and my generation).  So what’s an Ignite talk?  Most people know what TED talks are, yes?  Ignite is a pretty new format where someone gives a five minutes talk about the topic of his/her choice.  So what’s the catch?  The speaker is accompanied by a Power point presentation he/she puts together which auto-advances every fifteen seconds.  So timing and sticking to your script is critical, or if not, the ability to be really flexible if you get thrown off.  My friend Esther Kustanowitz organized the evening and asked me to be one of four presenters.  It was quite challenging to put together but I pulled it off (despite having to talk 400 miles per hour).  There’s no video of my talk but there is the audio synchronized with the slide show.  Enjoy.

This just in:  the Red Hot Chili Peppers are coming to Israel, scheduled to perform in Tel Aviv’s Park Hayarkon on September 10, 2012. According to Haaretz, “tickets will go on early sale for a special price of NIS 320, going up to NIS 390 once the early sale is over. Premium and VIP tickets will also be available for NIS 750 and NIS 1200 respectively.”

After the visits of Air Supply, Whitesnake, and Roxette, whose last hits peaked around the time of the 2nd Temple’s destruction.  For this reason, music snobs, please save the “they don’t rock like they used to” comments.  We’re just happy to get them when they’re still relevant.  Maybe we’ll even get something the likes of which we saw in spring 1992 when Guns n’ Roses played here, causing Axl Rose to yell onstage, “Shalom motherf*****s!”  (Well, I didn’t see it.  I was here on Year Course and missed it.  No excuses.)

And if anyone out there is actually still wondering, “why does Tel Aviv get all the concerts?”, the answer is simple.  Do you really want to see Flea wear a kittel?  (This question ensures that I will finally reach page one for the all-important “Flea wears a kittel” search query.)  Last year, “Sex and the City 2″ ads were banned in Jerusalem.  If the Chili Peppers played the Holy City’s Teddy Stadium, we’d have to hear the title track from their classic album performed as “Blood Sugar Shas Magik.”  And who wants that?

“Put a shirt on!  It’s cold!”
(Wait, he knows he can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, right?
Yet another moment where I wish I could PhotoShop.) 

In fact, I was able to dig up their setlist from their last trip to Jerusalem.  Hopefully we’ll hear some of these again.

Give It Away (Nu, Your Money!  TEN PER CENT!)

Suck My Kishke

Under the Bimah

Higher Ground (The Dome of the Rock…it will be ours again!)

Breaking the Goy

Soul to Shlep

Aeroplane (for my ten kids)

Lox Rollercoaster

Scar Talmud

Around the Vos

Californikaddish

Yeah, they should definitely play Tel Aviv.  Israel, here they come.  (In nine months.)

It’s that time of year again; we’re just days away from the annual Comedy for Koby winter tour.  I’m always surprised to meet an Anglo who hasn’t heard of it but anything is possible.  B’kitzur, nice Jewish boy Avi Liberman is back, along with three more American comedians to make us laugh, all for a good cause, details of which can be found in the link above.

This season’s lineup:

John Mulrooney:  An Evening at the Improv, Hollywood Squares, Comedy Central, Showtime, HBO, etc.

Maryellen Hooper:  The Dennis Miller Show, The Martin Short Show, The Tonight Show, Comedy Central, named “Female Comedian of the Year” by the American Comedy Awards, etc.

Saleem Muhammad:  Winner of 2010 Boston Comedy Festival, The Tonight Show, Last Comic Standing, Best Damn Sport Show…Period, and BET’s Comic View

And of course, Avi Liberman, tour founder and funny guy from Craig Ferguson, Comedy Central, and Showtime, guaranteed to do the best Israel jokes not written by Some Dumb Oleh.  When you see Avi, be sure to ask him why the Houston Texans can’t keep their quarterbacks healthy.  He loves getting that question-REALLY!

Show schedule:

-Tuesday, December 6th, Raanana, 8:30pm, Yad Labanim, Achuza 147

-Wednesday, December 7th, Beit Shemesh, 8:30pm, Eshkol Payis, Migdal Hamayim

-Saturday, December 10th, Modiin, 8:30pm, Einan Theater, Azrieli Mall

-Sunday, December 11th, Jerusalem, TWO SHOWS, 7:00pm, 9:30pm, Beit Shmuel, 6 Shama St., near the David Citadel and King David Hotels

If you’re wondering if the two Jerusalem shows are different, the answer is a resounding yes.  The early show will be very funny and the late show serves shawarma dumplings to all paying customers.

-Monday, December 12th, Tel Aviv, 8:30pm, Tzavta 1, Ibn Gvirol  30

-Tuesday, December 13th, Gush Etzion, 8pm, Matnas Gush Etzion

You know what they say:  ain’t no party like a Gush Etz party CAUSE A GUSH ETZ PARTY DON’T STOP!

And, as always….

-December 14th-18th, FIVE SOLD OUT SHOWS IN DIMONA!  Just kidding. Katy Perry has the arena that week.  (By the way, in order to figure out what musical reference I’d use here, I pulled up the iTunes Top 10 song list.  Did you know that the #9 download is “Ni**as in Paris” by Kanye West and Jay Z?  Either I can’t believe there’s a song by that name or “ninjas” is now a bad word.  Or Ninfas for the Houstonians out there.)

This is when I wish I could Photoshop.  Although 7 PM on a Thursday night in Israel is not the time to start.
Sorry, boys-no Eiffel Tower for you. 

Order tickets here, email comedyforkoby@kobymandell.org, or call 077-955-5255. Tickets are going fast.  See you there!

Update:  Thank you, Micha!

I believe the children are our future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.  I just made that up.  Sounds good, right?  Even though they’re dumb and crap their pants, trust me, it won’t always be that way.  Kids are going places; you heard it here first.

So when fellow Hahafuch team member Molly asked me to babysit her one-year old Ami for an hour yesterday, how could I say no?  Besides, kids are easy.  What’s there to know?  Before he arrived, I made sure to assemble some things to keep him entertained:  The game Risk, hard candies, and a popular movie from my youth.

I know what you’re thinking:  how’s a kid going to locate the Ukraine?  

Around 1 PM, I made my way down to the gan to pick him up.  Before I had even gotten a sentence out as to who I was or whom I was picking up, the ganenet (kindergarten teacher) was handing over the kid.  Holy onesie, that would never happen in America.  I haven’t picked up somebody else’s child from school in a while so I’m not sure about the current requirements.  Aside from the rectal exam, do you need to provide the past 5 or 10 places of residence?  (Ech omrim “onesie”?)

Back when I was a psychology major at the University of Texas, I learned attachment theory in my Developmental Psych class.  While I can’t recall at what age this behavior kicks in, I seriously hope it’s after age one.  This kid would have willingly attached himself to Hans Gruber from “Die Hard.”  I picked him up and in no way at all was he the least bit disturbed that a strange man was scurrying down Ein Gedi Street with him.  I had neither a stroller or a baby Bjorn, you know, because the odds of an adult male who can’t figure out a remote control in 2011 probably has a better chance of shoving 84 chocolate falafel balls up his nose whole than figuring out how to put on a baby Bjorn.  (And, by the way, where’s the gold standard for chocolate falafel these days?  I’ve always been a Melech HaChocolate HaFalafel guy myself but ever since they started charging for sprinkles, I’ve been ready to find something new.)

Forget what the kid thought, what about the neighbors?  Yeah, that didn’t look sketchy.  A bearded man wearing a black jacket and a black wool hat, hurrying down the street holding a baby.  ”Nothing to see here, folks, move it right along.  Just fleeing the baby factory in Talpiot….”

And holy dirty diapers, Batman, who needs the gym?  That was bleeping exhausting after two blocks.  It’s not every day that I take a leisurely walk while holding a person.  At the gym, at least you can put the weight down.

Back at the ranch, it went pretty smoothly, thanks to his toys and sunny disposition.  Animal sounds, toys, and staring at the light fixtures.  Question for next time though:  when putting Jim Beam in a sippy cup, is it best served with ice or not?   I’m joking, I’m joking, I let him drink straight from my glass.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who thought it a good idea.  When I suggested on Facebook that I give him some coffee, one commenter responded:

No coffee, the caffeine will just wind him up and you will have to play with him! You are much better off with scotch. Then he will nap and you can stay on Facebook.

Did snark and sarcasm exist before our generation?  Why do I think parents didn’t make these jokes 30 years ago?  Maybe I’m wrong.

We spent most of our time watching various Youtube videos.  I’ll just let you see it for yourself.

Great show, right?  If you missed it, here’s my review of everybody’s favorite TV show, “Tomorrow’s Pioneers”.

A few other thoughts:

• The best thing about stealing bamba from a one-year old?  He can’t tell anybody.
• I reprogrammed his squeeze-y doll to play Poison.  Can you say “nothin’ but a good time”, little boy?
• Uh oh….does anyone know how to get a tattoo off a baby?

I bring you the most ridiculous street name in all of Israel.  Seriously, can this be topped?

I believe this is in Givat Massua in Jerusalem, right by the old Young Judaea hostel (the “new” old one.)

HI-larious.

If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be laughing ha-ass off.

Photo credit:  Gail Lobel Rand

Apparently it’s across the street in Ir Ganim.  

Hello, my loyal readers-I’m back from the USA and, boy, are my arms tired.  Or something like that.  And before you can say “looks like winter has arrived in Israel”, it looks winter has arrived in Israel.  Because at least in the places I’ve lived, we only have two seasons:  ”Jesus Christ, I can solve the water shortage myself by draining my sweaty t-shirt out in the Kinneret” and “Hey, Start-Up Nation, could I get warm water to come out of my sink during the winter?”*  The first is categorized by high temperatures, 147% humidity in Tel Aviv, and sales of ice cream that could the Greek economy can only dream of.  The latter with, well, washing your hands in cold water, along with cold in Jerusalem and rain, although seemingly never enough.  Am I crazy or is the water level in the Kinneret always low, even after a week of downpour?  Ok, whoever pulled out the drain stopper, put it back please.

*I’m very happy with my yunkerim, whatever the hell those are, that allow me to have a hot shower within a minute.  Who needs the Dude anyway?  But I’m not going to flip a switch just to wash my hands for 15 seconds.  Maybe I should just combine my bathroom and shower activities.  Or not wash my hands after the bathroom.  Hey, is anyone still reading?  (Seriously, does anyone know what a “junker” is?  I had never heard of it before and I can’t find much online.)

And speaking of sales, I stopped in duty free at Ben-Gurion Airport before my flight out.  Israelis shop at duty-free like they have 5 minutes to live. The terminal could be on fire….they’re walking out of there only when they’re good and ready and not a moment sooner.  People love the feeling of getting a deal here and can you blame them?  Somewhere out there, there’s a guy who’s spending $1500 on a plane ticket just to get into the airport, spending $1000 in duty free, and then throwing the ticket away.  If Obama wants to impose a real stimulus package, he should set up giant billboards on the Ayalon saying “DUTY FREE!!!!” with arrows pointing to America.  You want to know why people were sleeping in tents on Rothschild?  Because they were broke after walking out of the airport with a Wii underneath one arm and 10 cartons of cigarettes under the other.

“Fahk deh loto!  Yesh li dyooty freeeee!”

As always, it was good to visit the US of A.  As is my relatively new tradition, I passed some time at the airports walking up to unsuspecting soldiers and thanking them for their service.  Hey, it’s not like anyone is going to do it, you know…on Memorial Day (because who sees soldiers at the mall or beach?)  Here is a brief excerpt from one conversation:

Me:  ”Excuse me, Sir.  I just wanted to thank you for your service.”
Soldier:  ”Thank you, Sir.”

Now those are some American manners.  ”I see your ‘Sir’…and I match it!”  How can two people refer to each other as “Sir”?  Doesn’t the first guy’s use of the word establish some kind of social hierarchy with the other guy?  I opened the conversation by putting myself below him and then he messed it all up.  There’s something not right about that.  And when I figure out what it is, I’ll be sure to do nothing with it.

And I don’t know whether this falls underneath the umbrella of good customer service but the gate agent in Atlanta called me “sweetie”, “honey”, and “baby” within a ten-second period.  That’s “achi” on steroids.

While spending approximately 45,000 hours in various airports, I took a walk through one bookstore.  If a picture says a thousand words, here are some which should give you around 14,000 to chew on.  See, it’s not just the Middle East that’s funny.

 ”Buy 8 books, get the next one FREE.”
Because everybody loves boarding a plane with nine books.

 $4.49 for cut-up fruit?  No wonder people eat all the crap seen below.
I would rather lick the bathroom floor than spend a buck on an airport banana.

 ”Watching Z Waist?”
If you’re eating here, I have to wonder WZF is wrong with you.

 Hmm…now which toxic substance should I put into my body first?  Cheese or Chili….
Wait, what???  I CAN EAT BOTH OF THESE DISGUSTING POISONS AT ONCE???
OUT OF MY WAY, PEONS!!!!!!! 

Call me crazy but “gourmet” belongs nowhere on this menu.
And frankly, “menu” doesn’t belong on it either.

 The way things are going in Jerusalem, they will soon sell these juice bottles under a long dress.

Health food in America=NuGo Gluten Free Dark Chocolate Crunch Bar
Health food in Israel= fruit

Double the crap, double the fun…in one package!

I get cherry or apple flavored snacks but there’s something bizarre about foods flavored as a main course.
Pepperoni pizza treats…how specific can they be?
“Hey, kids-try our Greek salad corn chips!”

I can’t even imagine who the target audience is for this book.
Satan, apparently.

I saw some woman reading this on the bus 15 times en route to the Kotel.

In Hebrew this book is titled “Achshav V’af Pa’am.”

 I feel confident in saying that this book will never be translated into Hebrew.

 Hot Dog Zone.  Also known as the Diarrhea Zone.

Last thing:  I’m performing at Jerusalem’s Comedy Basement this Saturday night.  Next Monday night, November 28th, I’ll be performing in Modiin at…where else?  The Olim Center.  It says the deadline to RSVP has passed but I can’t believe that’s the case.  More details here.  Hope to see you in one of these places.

Shalom from a suburban Starbucks somewhere in North America.  As I wrote on FB and Twitter a bit ago, if aliens ever do invade Planet Earth, they should disguise their spaceship as a Starbucks. The United States will enter the mothership willingly.  Is there any Starbucks line that is too long for people, especially at the airport?  Unbelievable.  And speaking of the airport, I was in one yesterday upon my arrival to the States.  Like many hotels, it had a room labeled “Business Center.”  Thank heavens.  I promptly entered and took out a $7 million loan.

So I’m back in the US again which has incredibly enough become somewhat of a regular event recently which is a good thing because I’m out of toothpaste.  And brown socks.  We Americans get so caught up with bringing stuff back for us and our friends (thank you, Target!), why has no one started a movement to bring back water?  If each individual and Birthright Israel participant brought over three small bottles of water to dump into the Kinneret, wouldn’t the ongoing water shortage be over within a year?

The bump occurred right after the arrival of 3 Nefesh B’Nefesh flights.

Without further ado (I’m sick of all this ado), here are my dates for the “Occupy Bamba Comedy Tour.”  I’m not sure the name can top the Chumusface! Comedy Tour but then again, I only put about 7.4 seconds into it.  They’ve been on my website for weeks now but it couldn’t hurt to add to my blog as well.

October 28th: Florida Atlantic University Hillel

October 31st: George Washington University Hillel

November 1st: George Mason University, 6:30 (Johnson Center Dewberry Hall North)

November 2nd: Drexel University, 7:30 PM ( 33rd & Chestnut, Papadakis Integrated Science Building, room 108)

November 3rd: University of Maryland, 6:30

November 4th: University of Houston Hillel

November 5th: Jewish Federations of North America-General Assembly, Denver

November 8th: Cal-Poly, San Luis Obispo

November 9th: University of California-Berkeley

These are all Hillel/student events but if you find yourself in the neighborhood, stop by.  I could use someone to corroborate my stories about the old days in the 20th century.  Hope to see you offline!