Anyway, it’s been a few weeks since I returned from the US and little did I know, a photo taken on my flight would lead to a blog post.  I was recently published for the first time on Kveller, the Jewish parenting site/blog where TV star (and observant Jew) Mayim Bialik frequently writes.  Since the vast majority of writers (all of them?) are women, this was a big honor for me.  Check out the first couple of paragraphs below and click over to read the rest.   Enjoy!

I’ve been an uncle officially for 17 years, since my sister had her first son. Since then, three more nieces and nephews have popped out, giving me at least four reasons to bring gifts from Israel.

As more and more of my friends have had kids over the years (and there have been at least a few of those years, with my somewhat impending arrival to the age which rhymes with “sporty”), an increasing number of children have called me “Uncle Benji” despite a lack of blood relation. I have perfected animal impressions (which includes my personal and undisputed favorite, “the chicken”), I have become quite good at “online babysitting” (entertaining little kids with an Ernie puppet), and I am not ashamed to admit that I have developed such entertaining material that I have been caught recycling it across families in both English and (albeit, broken) Hebrew.

But I have never actually been a father. Until last week.

To read the rest of the story, head over to Kveller.

I wasn’t sure if I’d still be writing this list one year ago but after watching it blow up on the Times of Israel, I knew I had at least one more in me.  It scares me to think that this has an expiration date, that I won’t be able to continue forever, so I’m enjoying it as much as I can right now.  This list (the brainstorming, writing, editing, running it by my a couple of my amazing friends, and doing this process again and again) is probably the highlight of my year.  I hope you enjoy.

Without further ado, as seen here on the Times of Israel, I present to you 65 MORE things I love about Israel.

Chag Atzmaut sameach!

64 More Things I Love About Israel

63 More Things I Love About Israel

62 More Things I Love About Israel

61 More Things I Love About Israel

60 Things I Love About Israel

1.  I love that 45 minutes is considered a long drive in this tiny country but that people will drive three hours to Acco to eat at Chumus Said.

2.  I love Tel Aviv babes riding scooters. Chicks-on-bikes: like disk-on-key but with skirts.

3.  I love that the Neot Kdumim Biblical Reserve teaches team-building and leadership via shepherding goats and sheep.

4.  I love Cups-Unlimited Coffee, the app which allows me to drink as much Tel Aviv coffee as I want for just 169 shekels a month. However much money the government is taxing me, I’m getting it back tenfold in café hafuch.

5.  I love the genuine interest in your well-being expressed upon meeting a friend.

Ma nishma?!?!? = Hey, what’s up?!

(30 seconds into conversation)

Az ma nishma?!?!?! = No, seriously-I actually want to know what’s up with you.

6.  I love that even the urinals are religious.

7.  I love how it’s totally acceptable to wear your 1995 Camp Young Judaea staff sweatshirt in public and nobody thinks you look like a total dork.

8.  I love that after a stand-up comedy show, an audience member told me “yashar koach”.  If only every dvar Torah had a two-drink minimum.

9.  I love that you can conduct a multi-million dollar business deal at Café Aroma wearing Crocs.

10.  I love the interjection “psssshhh!!!!”  It’s “daaaaamn, boy!” combined with beat-boxing.

11.  I love that I can choose to adopt the Sephardic customs on Pesach and not feel the least bit guilty.  Olim mentality:  “We moved halfway across the world and give our tax dollars go to the Jewish people.  WE’LL EAT RICE AND WE’LL LIKE IT, DAMMIT!!!!”

12.  I love that Israelis are unaware of how hot they are to Diaspora Jews because everything is relative.   It’s like how Superman had special powers on Earth but was normal on Krypton.  If the average Israeli woman went to a Jewish singles event in New York, forty accountants would go home with whiplash.

13.  I love ptitim, the rice-like grain that David Ben-Gurion asked the founder of Osem to create in order to feed Mizrachi olim during the early days of the state. Give it up for the DBG. The dude founded a nation and still found time to invent pasta. 

14.  I love how in “Mission: Impossible, the subtitles called Tom Cruise’s character Ethan “Eitan”.  What did they his character in “Jerry Maguire”?  Giora?

15.  I love that you can find delicious chumus even at the airport.  Who needs a sleeping pill?  Plus, the cashier could have vomited in it and it would still have been better than Trader Joe’s.

16.  I love that my old landlady called me to ask me to bring her perfume from the States and it wasn’t the least bit weird.

17.  I love that the environmentally conscious Soda Stream, which became the first Israeli company to advertise during the Super Bowl, claimed they could have saved 500 million bottles from being used on game day alone. Just for the waste of it…Diet Coke.

18.  I love how Google Translate translates LOL as “חחח”.

19.  I love how victory cheers at election parties sound like color war chants from summer camp.  “Ooh ah!  Mi zeh ba?  Rosh hamemshala haba!”   Wait, did they pick up five seats or win the sack race?

20.  I love the energy on Tel Aviv’s monit sheirut on a Thursday night.   It’s a party on wheels.

21.  I love how the top of the Israeli male head has perfectly evolved to support a pair of sunglasses for hours on end.  With just a small flick of the wrist, Shlomo from Dimona turns into Bono.

22.  I love that because of Israel’s casual dress code, I iron about as frequently as I levitate.

23.  I love that Nutella’s Pesach advertisement featured the Azrieli Towers made from matza.

That’s just awesome.

24.  I love that the air raid sirens in Tel Aviv lead to social gatherings in the stairwell.

“Boker tov, ma nishma?  Yuvali is bigger every time I see him.  I mean, I know I saw him yesterday during the last siren but he’s definitely not smaller.”

25.  I love rashei tayvot, the abbrevations that permeate everyday language formed by combining two words.  Shnatz (nap), sakash (sleeping bag), kastach (covering your ass).  Can you imagine if we did that with English?  It would be fuckawes.

26.  I love that a stranger in a café told me to watch her baby while she went to the bathroom.  That will happen in America when Carly Rae Jepsen and Shmuley Boteach make a Harlem Shake video.

27.  I love staffing a Birthright trip and experiencing this country through the eyes of first-timers.  Super, super-rewarding.  (It’s not too late to come back with Masa, you guys.  Can you believe I’m not getting paid for this?)

28.  I love that when Geshempocalypse brought our biggest storm in decades, these guys went tubing down the Ayalon River.  Do we love rain or what?

29.  I love that I can turn on the radio in December without hearing Christmas music.  Actually, I love that I can turn on the radio in November without hearing Christmas music.

Santa in Israel.  (Illustration: Yael Abramowitz)

30.  I love the gesture of pulling down your eyelid to express snarky disbelief as if to say, “Really???”  I like to use multiple fingers to add levels.  “Let me get this straight.  Bar Refaeli not only entered her phone number into your cell at Dizzy Frishdon but also offered to pay your arnona until 2015?  That’s a five-finger eyepull, achi.”

31.  I love the suffix “-ush” that people append to names as a term of endearment.  IT’S-USH SO-USH CUTE-USH!!!!!!!!  RIGHT-USH?!?!

32.  I love taking the #18 bus towards the beach just to hear the recorded female voice say this…

33.  I love the big, strong Israeli gever gevers who turn into Baryshnikovs when doing Israeli folk dancing.  Nothing goes with a fireball tattoo like the Yemenite step.  (Actually, it’s givrei gever.  Smichut.)

34.  I love that when the local construction worker changed into his work uniform, he put on a different skullcap with paint chips and dirt on it.  That’s right-the dude had a “work kippa”.

35.  I love that Jerusalem has this “old Jewish man crossing” sign.

36.  I love that “pigs in a blanket” are called Moshe B’teva.  Hot dog in bread coating……the man who delivered the Jews from bondage……yeah, that’s about right.

37.  I love that magical word which quickly wraps up every phone conversation here. Phone call in America:

Caitlin:  “Good talking to you.” 

Jaden:  “You too!” 

Caitlin:  “Let’s do this again soon.” 

Jaden:  “Totally, you take care of yourself, allright?” 

Caitlin:  “Ok, I will, you too.” 

Jaden:  “Bye now, love you.” 

Caitlin:  “You hang up first.” 

Jaden:  “No, you.”   (click)

Phone call in Israel:

Yoni:  “Tov, az nitraeh machar.” 

Roni:  “YA’ALA.”   (click)

38.  I love the hard-to-translate “balagan” (chaos).  I picture farm animals breaking down the barn doors as clowns with noisemakers run amok.

39.  I love when “ya’ala” and “balagan” get together.  “YA’ALA BALAGAN! (LET’S PARTY!)”  I picture arsim breaking down the barn doors and slam-dancing to Infected Mushroom.

40.  I love when my friends come visit from abroad and make me feel good about my foreign language skills.  “Benji, your Hebrew is so good!”  “Really?  I ordered water.”

41.  I love seeing public playgrounds filled with little kids and dogs.

42.  I love that in less time than it takes to say “Florida voter fraud”, you can stand in line, vote in a national election, and cook a seven-layer pashtida.

43.  I love that when it snows, the snowmen smoke nargila and drink arak.  That’s funny, I didn’t know snowmen went on Birthright.

44.  I love that the three finalists on Master Chef were an ultra-Orthodox Jewish woman, a German oleh, and an Arab-Israeli.  How do you say diversity in Hebrew?  And in German?  And in Arabic?

45.  I love that even if an office fridge is empty, it will still have five cartons of milk.  #mustbethecoffee

46.  I love that our money is so colorful.  It’s like Rainbow Brite threw up in my wallet.  

47.  I love that you can ask a girl out three nights in a row after meeting her without worrying about her filing a restraining order against you. Relationships progress quickly here.  “It’s Tuesday, let’s move in together.”

48.  I love how my friend Jane nicknamed her fetus “Chumus”.   When he was born, they called him Eitan.  Sellouts.  (If you’re keeping score at home, after six years of lists, chumus references: 19; coffee: 25)

49.  I love that when I travel abroad and meet Israelis, we hit it off in 2.7 seconds.  Family is family wherever you are.

50.  I love that Agvania on Ibn Gvirol in Tel Aviv has a set of the kabbalistic Zohar books displayed in their store.  Now that’s what I call mystic pizza.

51.  I also love traveling abroad, hearing a familiar language, turning around excitedly, and realizing it’s Russian.  I am slowly becoming Israeli.

52.  I love that my friend’s Arabic professor taught her how to conjugate the verb “write” to the tune of “Hava Nagila”.

 “Anaaaaa katabtu, antaaaaa katabta, antiiiii katabti, hua kataba, HEY!!!!”

53.  I love that Guns and Roses played Hatikva before going into “Don’t Cry”.  It almost makes up for the absence of Slash.

54.  I love that my friend signed up for paperless billing from the electric company and received a certificate that a tree had been planted in his honor.

55.  I love that even when the news is frustrating, the minute Bibi speaks at the UN, there are 45,000 memes within five minutes.

56.  I love that during Operation Pillar of Defense, a group of local and international students at the IDC-Herzliya created a cheder matzav (“war room”), running an online hasbara effort on Facebook in over 30 languages, reaching millions of people around the world.

57.  I love that Israel finally opened its first legit Mexican restaurant.  After sixty-five years, we have our first reason not to eat chumus.

58.  On that note, I love that the list of things we can’t get here is getting scarily shorter.  C’MON, TARGET, LET’S DO THIS ALREADY!!!!

59.  I love the ubiquitous flags that appear almost overnight the week before Yom Ha’atzmaut.  Between that and the weather, this is the best time of year.

60.  I love that when my ten-year old neighbor practices the same squeaky song every day on his saxophone, it’s “Hatikva”.

61.  I love that people of all ages make adorable welcome signs to greet friends and family making aliyah.  You only come home once.

62.  I love that anyone can get a Jewish education for free.  For the same price that it costs to educate a six-year old in a Manhattan Jewish day school, you could feed all of Israel after absorbing the entire world’s Jewish population using a matrilineal definition.

63.  I love that whereas I used to say “WHOA!” when olim vatikim would tell me how long they’d been in Israel, I now elicit “WHOA!”s from others.  Seven years, you’re just around the corner….

64.  I love that despite having gone through periods that are challenging, emotionally difficult, or to be completely honest, sometimes just not good (because, hey, aliyah ain’t a bed of roses), nothing I ever experienced in the US has held a candle to the incredible meaning I have found in my life here.  Having a platform to share my perspectives on this magical country with friends and readers from around the world is something I never could have dreamed up.  People should live where they want but there is NOTHING like living in Israel.

65.  I love that I’ve had this once-in-a-lifetime experience and that it’s not over yet.

Chag sameach to all.

In the grand scheme of history, the internet is still in its infancy, just a couple of decades into its existence for most of us. Blogs and social media have opened the door to new opportunities of interaction and self-expression. While most of us graduated high school with an education in math, history, and grammar, few of us ever learned any kind of internet etiquette. Yesterday’s blog post by Sam Ser and some of the subsequent talkbacks were only the most recent reminder that guidelines are clearly needed on how to interact in a public forum, especially when sensitive issues such as Judaism and Israel are being discussed.

Without further ado, here is a guide on how to and how not to comment in a public forum with sample responses to various statements:

Top story on the site!  Not bad!

Statement: 2+2 =4

Inappropriate talkback: Obviously. This is a matter of fact.

Appropriate talkback: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F****ING MIND?!?! THIS IS A CHILUL HASHEM!!!!

Statement: I personally believe that it would be in Israel’s best interests to withdraw from the West Bank in order to preserve the country’s status as both a Jewish and democratic state.

Inappropriate talkback: I respectfully disagree. We cannot risk the West Bank falling into Hamas’s hands. While the current situation in the West Bank is horrible for the Palestinians, there are tragically no quick and easy solutions.

Appropriate talkback: NOOOOO!!!!! YOU ARE A PALESTINIAN SYMPATHIZER!!!!!! YOU ARE A SYMPATHIZER PALESTINIAN!!!! YOU ARE A DISEASED GOAT-LOVER WHO HATES JEWISH PEOPLE AND WANT THEM ALL TO DIE!!!!!

Statement: Israel, the Start-Up Nation, is a beacon of democracy and innovation.

Inappropriate talkback: Israel’s advances in technology cannot justify or make up for its policies in the West Bank. I will therefore exercise my democratic rights from abroad to boycott products made in Israel.

Appropriate talkback: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU ZIONIST OCCUPYING BASTARDS!!!!!!! YOU ETHNICALLY CLEANSED MY AUNT SUSIE AND I WILL BOYCOTT, DIVEST, AND SANCTION YOUR PINKWASHING ASSES RIGHT AFTER I USE MY ISRAELI-DEVELOPED CELL PHONE AND MAKE MYSELF A SODASTREAM CARBONATED BEVERAGE!!!!!!!!!

Statement: I believe that as a Jewish state, in order to preserve the Jewish nature of the country, buses should not run on Shabbat.

Inappropriate talkback: While I’m sure you think that would be good for the country, it’s insensitive to the millions of non-religious Jews living here, to say nothing of the non-Jews.

Appropriate talkback: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! YOU AYATOLLAH RIGHT-WING RELIGIOUS DICTATOR NUTJOB!! I WILL NEVER CONFORM TO YOUR CRAZY BIBLICAL UTOPIA!!!!!!!!!! F*** YOU AND THE GILDED MESSIANIC CHARIOT YOU RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!

Statement: It pains me greatly to say that I am moving back to America after having lived here for the last 27 years. I bleed blue and white and my love for this country is a fire that burns within me always. At the end of the day, you only get one shot on this earth. The most important thing to me is living a happy and healthy life and being able to provide a stable existence for me and my family. I have been working three jobs for the last ten years, I drive from my affordable apartment in Metulla to Jerusalem and back every day (four times) in order to put food on my table for my two children. I am at my wit’s end and have come to the decision that, while it kills me to even write the words, I am moving back to the US.

Inappropriate talkback: I am so sorry. This must have been a horribly difficult decision for you to make. I wish things could have turned out differently but everyone has to do what’s best for him or her. Personally, I would have made different life decisions but who am I to judge you not having walked in your shoes? I wish you only good things. Perhaps G-d, fate, or life will find a way to bring you back here under different circumstances.

Appropriate talkback: NOOOOOO, YOU LAZY SCUM-SUCKING WHINY ANGLO MAGGOT!!! BEST OF LUCK BACK IN MATERIALISTIC AMERICA, YOU ANTI-ZIONIST IMMORAL COMMUNIST ANTI-ZIONIST!!!! YOU DIDN’T TRY HARD ENOUGH!!!!! WHEN I MADE ALIYAH, I DROVE FROM METULLA TO JERUSALEM FIVE TIMES A DAY (AND THAT WAS BEFORE NEFESH B’NEFESH!!!) YOU ARE GIVING ISRAEL A BAD NAME!!

HOW DARE YOU CALL MY MOTHER A PSYCHO WHORE!!! AND WHY DIDN’T MY MOMMY HOLD ME AS A BABY?!?!?! I CAN TALK ABOUT JEWISH VALUES AND SINAT CHINAM WHEN TISHA B’AV COMES BUT WRITE DISGUSTING VITRIOL THE REST OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE INTERNET!!!!!! I’M ALLOWED TO SAY WHATEVER I WANT WITH NO REGARD FOR RESPECT, APPROPRIATENESS, AND OTHER THINGS!!!!

OH YEAH….AND WHUT WUZ I GOING TO SAY???

OH YEAH…..YOU ARE AN IDYOT!!!!!!!!

In conclusion, we are all bound to come across many opinions we disagree with on the internet. Think carefully before responding. Anyone can express himself coherently and respectfully. But only a true internet expert can weaken his own argument by making himself look like a judgmental jerk.

Just a day after the closing of popular restaurant Restobar was announced for religious reasons, the Western Wall Heritage Foundation claimed it had lost control of the holy wall to a group who planned to close the Kotel on Shabbat for not being Jewish enough.

“Shabbat is the holiest day of the week and we as ultra-Orthodox Jews have a right to observe it as written in the Torah,” said the wall’s new chief rabbi, Menachem Mendel Chatzuf of the Charedi Operation for Extremist Religiosity Creeping Into Our Nation (COERCION). “To keep the Kotel open on this day is unacceptable. The dancing, the singing, the Birthright groups….what kind of atmosphere are we trying to create?”

Upon hearing of the change, secular Jerusalem resident Rotem Ben-David responded, “This is just another blow to the future of a pluralist Jerusalem. Modern Orthodox, non-religious….we all lose today. And what am I supposed to tell my Bubbie Pearl visiting from Fort Lauderdale? Where am I supposed to tell her to stick her note?”

An unnamed representative of COERCION said that if he had his way, the changes at Restobar and the Wall would not be the end. “Our hope is that the Terem emergency clinic will be closed by Rosh Hashanah. There is no emergency that Hashem cannot heal. Except when my Yaakov Shwekey cassette gets stuck in the tape player. That sucks.”

Chief Rabbi Chatzuf added, “Jerusalem is the holy city. Anyone who wants to desecrate the Sabbath can go to another Jewish city. Or to Tel Aviv.”

One more thing before we move to today:  I was honored and privileged yesterday to have been invited to a private meeting with Obama and President Shimon Peres.  I only managed to get a single picture but it’s a good one.

“UNBREAKABLE ALLIANCE HOUSE PARTY!”

Thursday, March 21st, 2013

Updates taken from Times of Israel’s live blog.

AFTER HEARING OBAMA’S SPEECH, THE LIVE BLOG IS NOW CLOSED.  TIME TO TAKE A BREAK, HOPE YOU ENJOYED.

4:34 PM Out on the streets of Ramallah, meantime, reporter Elhanan Miller runs into anti-Obama demonstrators, one of whom tells him: “Obama is worse than Bush because he knows better. He knows what American money for Iron Dome does. He knows what E1 means. He’s not an ignoramus like George Bush.”  That doesn’t need my editing, folks.  HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

4:21 PM During Obama’s visit to Ramallah, Palestinian Minister of Prisoner Affairs Issa Qaraqe delivered a letter on behalf of the families of Palestinians held in Israeli prisons.  In the letter, the families asked Obama to push Israel to release the prisoners, and in particular Samer Isawwi, released as part of the Gilad Shalit swap deal in 2011, only to be rearrested seven months ago.  You know what they say about mail delivery:  ”through rain, sleet, snow, or terror.”

4:10 PM In Tehran, Supreme leader Ali Khamenei has just threatened to destroy Tel Aviv and Haifa if Israel dares to attack his country.  ”We can send a monkey into space.  We are capable of anything.”

“Sometimes the leaders of the Zionist regime threaten us,” he continues, in a speech broadcast live on TV.  ”They should know”, says Khamenei, “that if they attack us, we will turn Tel Aviv and Haifa into wastelands.  Or to use a term more familiar to them, into New Jersey.”

Meanwhile, back at home, Channel 2 is claiming that the president is rehearsing his speech before delivery at the International Conference Center shortly. He’s having his aides heckle him as he runs through the text, with calls like “Release Pollard” and “Pelephone sucks”.

3:37 PM  The rockets fired from Gaza this morning are a signal from Hamas that “nothing will happen without us,” Haaretz military analyst Amos Harel writes.  They couldn’t have just sent a telegram?

3:09 PM The International Convention Center, where Obama will address Israeli students later this afternoon, is a fortress.  Not even highly decorated police officers are allowed to enter the building without a blue wristband.  Red wristbands on the other hand get the lucky recipients a backstage pass to smoke a bowl with Trey Anastasio.  Outside the building, thousands of students and hundreds of reporters are waiting in line to be groped at the entrance.  And also to be checked by security.

“I’m quite excited to hear what he has to say,” says Jerusalem resident Uri Bar-Lev.  ”This is truly a once in a lifetime experience.  Also, I figure I can meet some slutty American chicks studying abroad.”

3:02 PM Having finished his visit to Ramallah, Obama is back in Jerusalem — meeting with consular staff at the US consulate in the south Jerusalem neighborhood of Arnona. The event is hosted by Secretary of State John Kerry, and is closed to press which means Obama can finally make fun of Bibi’s hair without anyone being able to report it.

2:59 PM Obama fills out his March Madness bracket.  His pick?  Indiana Hoosiers.  His dark horse?  The Bat Yam Arsim.  He has the Haifa Fighting Manyaks exiting in the Sweet Sixteen.

2:23 PM Obama’s next scheduled public activity is the major speech of his visit, set for 4:40 p.m. in front of a diverse crowd of Israelis at Jerusalem’s International Convention Center.  It was considered that he might take public transportation directly to Binyanei Hauma until his scheduler realized that species evolve faster than the light rail moves.

Dov Weissglass, Ariel Sharon’s former top adviser, tells Channel 2 that while Netanyahu declared his support for a two-state solution loud and clear yesterday, the facts on the ground point in the opposite direction, and within 20 years it will be too late. Palestinian statehood would require Israel to relinquish most of the territories, Weissglass says, and Netanyahu either doesn’t want to do that, can’t do that, “or maybe both.”  He then adds that Netanyahu is a raging douchebag.

2:13 PM Palestinian politician Mustafa Barghouti says the current Israeli government is the “most racist and most extreme in the history of Israel.”  He then admits that the current Palestinian government is no more racist than usual.  (Important editorial note:  I’m having a bit of fun here.  Unfortunately, our government has its own share of racists.)

2:06 PM Abbas says the world recognizes that Israeli settlements are illegal. Many Palestinians, he says, see settlements across the West Bank and “do not trust the two-state solution anymore.” Young people conclude that an agreement is no longer possible.  (Old people on the other hand conclude that an agreement was never possible.)

But the Palestinian leadership does support that solution, on the 1967 lines, he says.

If Israel makes peace with the Palestinians, he says, it will have peace with the whole Arab and Islamic world.  And if I grow a pair of jugs, I will streak across Teddy Stadium naked.  (Ok, ok, I’m not that pessimistic.)

1:56 PM  In what marks his most significant comment so far, Obama suggests Palestinians cannot expect to have Israelis agree to their conditions before talks start.  ”Jesus Christ, have you ever shopped at the shuk?  Since when have you gotten an Israeli to agree with anything on the first request?”

1:50 PM  “There was a time when my daughters could not expect to have the same opportunities in their own country as someone else’s daughters,” Obama says.  He says young Palestinians and Israelis remind him of his daughters.  Especially when Malia drops rockets on Sasha’s head.

“Hey, look at me!!!”

12:59 PM Israel’s most prominent Arab affairs analyst, Ehud Yaari, makes his personal view of how to best manage the conflict with the Palestinians unusually clear on Channel 2′s ongoing experts panel.  He says “yiyeh b’seder” forty-seven times in a ninety second span, followed by “staaaaaaaaaam.”

Yaari then presents an interim deal which would see Israel pull out of most of the West Bank, ending the occupation and returning Israelis to fighting one another.

12:12 PM Ahead of the Abbas-Obama joint press conference, Hamas in Gaza head Ismail Haniyeh gives the American president a vote of no confidence.  No word as to whether this vote was registered democratically.

12:05 PM Footage from Ramallah shows Abbas presenting the US President with a drawing of his face alongside that of Abraham Lincoln.  Obama then handed Abbas a picture of Yasser Arafat alongside a steaming pile of cow shit.

11:58 AM Among the many items President Obama will take home with him from the Holy Land will be this chocolate sculpture, a recreation of a famous image from the president’s 2008 campaign.  Created by a group of 16 students in a confectionary sculpture course at the Holon Institute of Technology, the edible creation is to be presented to Obama later today in Jerusalem.  A reporter inadvertently sees Obama text Michelle and ask her if he can slip her some of his dark chocolate.

11:36 AM A leaked draft of talking points Mahmoud Abbas intends to bring up with US President Barack Obama includes support for a secret freeze on settlements, the New York Times reports.  While Abbas screams curse words in Arabic, Palestinian Prime Minster Fayyad runs out of the room to update FailBlog on his cell phone.

They also include pleas for Benjamin Netanyahu to commit to the 1967 lines as a starting point in peace talks and a suggestion by Abbas that he will dissolve the PA if progress is not made.  It is expected that Bibi will make this concession in exchange for the Palestinians relinquishing their claim to Rechavia ice cream.

11:28 AM While Obama and Abbas talk, Israeli politicians and analysts are weighing in.

Nabil Sha’ath, the former PA foreign minister and negotiator, is speaking of this as “a decisive year” for the Palestinians, Channel 2 says.  ”We hope to take our rejectionism to unprecedented heights in 2013.”

Deputy Minister Ofir Akunis (Likud) recalls that Abbas left the last attempt at peace talks, in September 2010, “after minutes.”  To be fair, he had just eaten an undercooked burger from Wolfnight’s.

Deputy Defense Minister Danny Danon (Likud) says the rocket fire from Gaza this morning was a message to Obama and Abbas from Hamas: “You can talk… but we don’t want peace.”  At least they’re honest.

11:11 AM The president has touched down in Ramallah, where he’s greeted by Abbas.

Anthems are played. The two inspect an honor guard, fairly briefly. Obama is introduced to PA officials, including Salam Fayyad who mumbles under his breath, “Nobody appreciates a *&$#% thing I do.”

Abbas is introduced to Obama’s delegation, including Kerry.  Channel 10′s Emanuel Rosen says Kerry is “dead serious” about making progress on the Israeli-Palestinian front, and that “everyone is saying they haven’t felt anything like this for years.”  The Palestinian and Israeli reporters try to stifle their laughter while the respective governments celebrate for finding a mutual area of agreement.

Rosen said earlier that Netanyahu might be prepared to sanction an unannounced settlement freeze — just to quietly halt settlement expansion — to enable a new attempt at negotiation.  Somewhere, Naftali Bennett’s head just exploded.

Obama and Abbas have now begun their direct talks.

11:00 AM As Obama lands in Ramallah, the city’s central Al-Manara square has filled with 200-300 angry protesters demonstrating against the US president’s visit. Many protesters are holding up signs calling for Palestinian prisoners to be released, including Fathiya Ajaji, whose son Ahmed is in jail in the US for involvement in the first World Trade Center bombing in 1993.  “He didn’t do anything wrong,” she said.  Upon reading this in the news, Jewish mothers around the world immediately nod understandingly.

Most of the parties represented at the rally are leftist Palestinian factions.  The right-wing factions are busy filming the upcoming sequel to “Tomorrow’s Pioneers”, “Farfur Takes Manhattan (then Jerusalem, then Tel Aviv, then….)”

10:56 AM Photo released of me asking Obama about his day at a press conference.

10:47 AM The president is now on his way to Ramallah for talks with Mahmoud Abbas.  “Don’t eat too much in Ramallah,” Peres urged him just now at the Israel Museum. As in, save some room for the state dinner tonight.  Reports indicate that this morning’s rockets were launched in response to rumors that Sara Netanyahu will be wearing her black lace to the dinner.

10:28 AM The president is shown the Robo-Waiter, developed by three junior high students from Haifa. The small humanoid robot has arms and an extension to grab items, and is equipped with sensors, cameras and software that allows it to “hear” commands.  Unlike live Israeli waiters, the Robo-Waiter is able to bring water upon request in under ten hours.

Obama and Netanyahu are served matza by the robot before moving on. “That’s good matza,” Obama tells the trio. Due to lack of time, the Shabak is unable to give the president a polygraph test.

10:24 AM The president is shown ReWalk, an exoskeleton suit with motorized legs that can be used by paraplegics to walk, climb stairs, run and move around. Obama hugs a women wearing a sample exoskeleton after she explains how participating in a pilot program has changed her life.  Unfortunately he crushes her spinal cord beyond repair.

10:13 AM Israel Radio reports that last night Palestinians burned United States flags that were hung from electric poles ahead of President Barack Obama’s visit to the town on Friday. Obama is scheduled to visit to the Church of the Nativity that is the legendary birthplace of Jesus.  Later, he is scheduled to visit Kiryat Motzkin, the non-legendary birthplace of Jesus.

10:11 AM The tour continues with a display from Brain Network Technology’s program, developed in conjunction with Ben Gurion University of the Negev, which allows noninvasive monitoring of brain functionality.  Obama reveals that the technology was tested on Sarah Palin.  Studies were inconclusive.

9:58 AM The tour moves on to a special showcase for Israeli high-tech innovation, set up on the Israel Museum grounds.  Obama says he’s read about the next display, the Technion’s Robotic Snake, which can can survey disaster areas that humans or conventional robots are unable to access.  Obama:  ”The last time I heard about a robotic snake, it was in an erroneous private message from Congressman Anthony Weiner.”

9:52 AM Renowned cantor Dudu Fisher serenades Obama with “Oseh Shalom” on the way out of the Shrine of the Book. After the press leaves the room, he rips his shirt off and sings a rock version of “Sweet Home Chicago” while swinging from the chandelier.

9:41 AM The IDF is not expected to fire back on Gaza in response to this morning’s rockets on the south during Obama’s visit, Haaretz reports, citing unnamed senior diplomatic officials. “The Israeli response will come at the right time and place,” one source is quoted as saying.  ”Especially when Bibi’s approval rating is sagging.”

9:39 AM Obama and Israel Museum director James Snyder are discussing how remarkable it is that the Dead Sea Scrolls were preserved in such good condition.  Obama says that Americans also have well-preserved antiquities such as the Declaration of Independence and Barbara Bush.  (Dick Clark, rest in peace.)

9:22 AM Obama arrives to the Israel Museum and will be shown a scroll of the Book of Isaiah but won’t be allowed to touch it. The last time he heard that, he was in a co-ed’s dorm room at Columbia.

9:15 AM “Obama should come and see how we live here,” says Sara Hazizu. Why would he want to do a thing like that?  He lives in the White House.  That woman is delusional.

Security sources in Jerusalem agree that the rocket fire was “a message timed for Obama’s visit to show they’re still there”.  With all the Israeli moving companies, why are they still there?  Moshe’s Movers, send in ten of your workers at 3 AM, pack a few trucks, and ship their furniture to Des Moines.

9:11 AM Times of Israel:  Hundreds of people line the streets in Jerusalem to watch Obama’s motorcade go by on the way to the museum, and traffic jams are being reported all over the capital because of the disruptions.  This is in contrast to the traffic jams on all other days which occur for no good reason whatsoever.

8:51 AM The Times of Israel: Sderot Mayor David Buskilla called the rockets a message to Obama from Gaza. I’m guessing that the message wasn’t that the Democrats have their vote in the 2014 elections.

8:27 AM “WTF, Gaza?  When my advisors told me that rockets had landed, I thought they were talking about the NBA team.”

8:16 AM  ”Seriously with the vegetables?!  Get me some sausage or you can forget about red lines.”

8:00 AM

Front desk:  ”Mr. President, how did you sleep?”

BHO:  ”Was there a war around 4:30 AM?”

Front desk:  ”Yes, the garbage trucks.  Those wake us up as well.”

Four hours till kickoff and I’m about to take my annual pre-game nap.  Five years ago, I slept through the first half of what might have been the biggest upset in Super Bowl history.  Not doing that again.

Fortunately technology has come a long way since that time.  I’m pretty sure I won’t be sleeping through my alarm clock this year.

These are the things your aliyah shaliach doesn’t tell you.  When people say life in Israel is difficult, this is what they’re talking about.

Good night, everyone.  See you at kickoff.

Yesterday, it was reported that Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi reportedly implied that the Jews control the US media and have distorted comments he made in the past about Zionists being “bloodsuckers” and “descendants of apes and pigs.”

In a Times of Israel exclusive, here is an official letter just received by President Morsi.

To the admirable President Peres:

Shalom/salaam from Cairo.

It has come to my attention that a video recently surfaced of me calling Jews and Zionists “bloodsuckers” and “the descendants of apes and pigs.”

I would like to clear the air immediately and make it understood — in no uncertain terms — that some of my best friends are apes and pigs.  It is most regrettable that this has happened between two nations who have been operating under a peace agreement for over thirty years (especially because I thought I had changed my video’s settings to “private”.)

I have been humbled by this misunderstanding and have already learned many a lesson since taking office.  For example, I have learned that while apes and pigs have no sense of humor, they command great dexterity at operating Youtube.

I do not in fact believe that this incident was a result of Zionist news bias as was insinuated, although you must admit that the Jews do hold a disproportionate control over the media, especially in Israel.

I do hope we can put this most regrettable incident behind us and move forward as allies and partners.

In conclusion, I offer my apologies for believing that Jews descended from unicorns pixies duck-billed platypus Captain Hook apes and pigs.

Respectfully yours,

President Mohammed Morsi

45% of Electorate Chooses to Defecate in Envelope

Bringing weeks of back-and-forth political tension to a conclusion, Israeli voters expressed their distaste for the lack of attractive candidates by dumping into their ballot envelopes.

“I’ve just had it with this ridiculous coalition system”, said David Bar-Wasser, a secular Ra’anana oleh of twenty-three years. “The majority of the country doesn’t like our current Prime Minister yet there’s no one better to vote for. This seemed like the best way to voice my dissatisfaction. Plus, I really needed to drop a deuce.”

Early returns estimated that as of 11 AM, the most votes had been cast for “dump in envelope”, followed by Likud-Beyteinu, then Labor, Yesh Atid and Jewish Home in some order, and in fifth place, the “light ballot on fire” option. While Israeli-born voters felt confident about their choice to crap in the envelope based on the country’s complete lack of credible options, the immigrant population spent far more time deliberating.

Said Ricki Weiss, a religious British olah chadasha from Jerusalem: “To be quite honest, I went back and forth. I like Bennett’s conviction to return our fate to our own hands but I also see the value in voting for Shelly’s economic program so I can finish the month with more money in my pocket. It was a tough choice but in the end, I chose to follow my heart and s*** directly into the ballot box.”

In an unrelated incident, one Shas voter was angered this morning when told that his vote did not count, even though he had shoved the ballot into the Kotel.

Well, here you go:  I was on a reality TV show.  A dating show, even.   After finally watching it and being assured by friends that I didn’t come out of it looking like a freak (since, you know, it is a DATING REALITY SHOW), this seems like a good time to talk about it.

I’m not sure how they got to me.  I assume that it’s because someone from “Ha’ach hagadol” (“Big Brother”) called me in two or three years ago after a friend recommended me to his friend at the Kuperman production company (“ON the next episode of Ha’ach Hagadol:  immigrant hijinks!”).  Having no intentions or desire to ever go on that show, I decided to play along anyway and go into the studio, talking to them for ten minutes while a camera recorded.  They never called back.  No loss.  I can only assume that they came across my name/file/video a couple of years later and decided to follow up.

Last January, almost a full year ago, I traveled up to Ramat Hachayal in Tel Aviv so talk to a couple of people in the Kuperman office.  Why not?  And this point of the story seems as good a time as any to explain why:  I don’t know if other people have ever justified doing something here that they wouldn’t have done back in their home countries but I have had so many hilarious, ridiculous aliyah experiences, this just seemed like another part of the adventure.  Never in a million bajillion years would I consider to (or even have the opportunity to) go on a show in the States (reason #47:  what are the odds that they’d match me up with a Jewish girl?) but here?  In this country?  Just seems like another great story.  And who knows, maybe it could help open a door or two to who knows what kind of creative opportunity.

So Kuperman called me and invited me back for a second meeting.  I guess when they handed me a long contract to sign, I realized that maybe I should start taking seriously the possibility that this might actually happen.  Like all the other times I’ve had to sign contracts in Hebrew, I did a combination of having them translate it for me and saying “yiyeh b’sedeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!” two seconds before throwing caution to the wind and signing it (because as I’ve said before:  “If you don’t open your mail, my fellow olim, it doesn’t exist.”)  By this point, I had told maybe two people that this was happening and that number never went above the number of fingers on one hand by the time the show was actually filmed.

Then things started to get a little interesting. For meeting number three, Kuperman sent someone to my apartment to meet me with, a tachkiranit (researcher?)  For five hours (that’s five hours), this woman asked me questions about me, relationships, dreams, fears, who remembers what else.  At this point, after being asked my ideal date in Israel, I naturally assumed I was going to get flown to Machtesh Ramon on a hot air balloon for an outdoor breakfast, taken to Mt. Hermon on a jet plane for lunch, and transported to Tel Aviv on some fast-moving vehicle for a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant for dinner.  Yeaaaah….we’ll come back to that later.

The woman asked me what my schedule looked like for the next couple of months and I told her about some conflicts that I wouldn’t be able to plan around.  When I didn’t hear back from her for a few weeks, part of me hoped they had forgotten about me and that this wouldn’t happen.  Then she called to tell me we’d be filming on March 29^th to overlap with a comedy show I’d be doing for the international students at Tel Aviv University.  Hey, the mystery woman gets to see me do my thing-that will make me look good, right?  (Sorry to disappoint-it’s not foreshadowing of some embarrassing mishap.)  It was also a whopping four days before I had planned to move from Jerusalem to Tel Aviv.  Not exactly what you want to be doing during valuable packing time.

In the days before March 29^th, I started to have second thoughts.  And third thoughts.  Mostly because of the stress brought on by my move, compounded by my friend Yossi’s assurances that despite Kuperman’s claims to the contrary, they would surely try to embarrass me and make me look like a jackass (and really, would that be a huge surprise on reality TV?)  I called my contact a night or two beforehand and told her I was having doubts and asked if they were being genuine or if they planned to set me up with Freicha McArs.  She held her ground and assured me that no, that wasn’t the case.  Perhaps I should have known better.  Anyway….

THE BIG DAY:  At 6 AM, a taxi picked me up from my apartment in Jerusalem and drove me to an undisclosed location in Tel Aviv (just an apartment converted to a shooting location but “undisclosed location” sounds sexier, yes?)  I made myself coffee and started talking to members of the crew.  They filmed me talking about what I was looking for and then got a few ridiculous shots of me wearing a baseball cap taking a few swings with a bat.  You know.  Because I’m American.  Obviously not my idea.

Then they had me meet a shadchanit (matchmaker).  Huh?!  This is where I started getting confused.  What the hell was the point of the FIVE HOUR INTERVIEW?!  I asked, “Wait a second…..you mean after all that and all this and MY ALREADY BEING HERE, you don’t even have the girl yet?”  I never understood their answer.  It wasn’t worth more than a few minutes trying to figure out what was going on in their heads.  It seemed something between “illogical”, “disorganized”, and “Israeli”.   I have no idea what the point of the matchmaker was but after I met with her, I then waited around for four hours killing time.  At this point, I was starting to realize that the hot air balloon wasn’t coming.

I went from coffee on Sheinkin to lunch on Rothschild as I waited to get the call that they were ready to continue.  Finally, the phone rang sometime in the early afternoon.  I got picked up and driven to where my exciting date would begin.  Where else?  A chumusia in Yafo.  No, really.  NO, REALLY!

I went inside and waited.  And waited.  Finally, a girl walked in.  Was this her?  No warning, no nothing.  And that was as awkward as any part of the day, being caught off guard when she walked in when I wasn’t expecting it.  Forget a blind date, how exactly are you supposed to start that conversation?

I’ll let you watch the show to see how it unfolded.  Small talk about this and that, Hebrew with a smattering of English.  Sorry to ruin the suspense but it just wasn’t the date from hell nor was it horribly awkward.  For the most part, it was at worst…fine.

It would have been nice if how the day unfolded (anything!) was made a little more clear.  The schedule….how much time we had at each place….  At some point, it was time to go (and quickly) so we went to that oh-so-special location that all lovebirds dream of going.  The top of the Empire State Building?  The top of the Azrieli towers?  The top of Mt Hermon?  Not even close.  Wait for it….

Mini-Israel.

I have no idea.  Really, I don’t.  Was this something she wanted to do?  (Surely not.)  I never got around to asking the girl after the fact but presumably this somehow came from above.

Creative Manager #1:  ”Nu, Arik….waht ahr we going to do weeth dees couple?  How about a walk on deh beach?  A spa et deh Dead Sea?  A cruise on deh Kineret?”

Creative Manager #2:  ”Be’emet, idiot.  Det is so cliche l’gamray.”

CM #1:  ”B’seder.  So waht do you theenk?”

(long pause)

CM #2:  ”MOTI!  YESH!  WE TAKE DEM TO MINI-EEZRAYL!”

(lots of back slaps, high-fives, and a twenty minute cigarette break)

As for how we got there, this is really one of the key points to make about the entire day:  they lent me a car belonging to….who the hell remembers, one of the crew members?  How the hell was that even safe for a liability perspective?  I certainly didn’t sign anything that day.  What about insurance?  Anyway, the important thing to note while you’re watching is this:  one of the first people to see the show told me that I came off as quiet throughout the day.  Let me ask you this:  when you’re on a blind date, being filmed, conversing in Hebrew, and driving somebody else’s car on a highway while TRYING TO FOLLOW THE CAMERA CREW’S VAN AHEAD OF YOU TO NOT GET LOST, how well do you think you’d be able to participate?  Big surprise:  I may not have caught every word in her stories. 

When we got to Mini-Israel, I started to sense that there was going to be a problem.  Not with Eliya (her name, incidentally) but with being on time.  I’ll get back to this later but as time passed, I became more and more conscious of the time and how long it would take to get to my show at TAU.

Like with lunch, I can’t say much about our time there.  You saw a lot of it.  It just took me a moment to figure out what the hell was with the guy who approached us.  What’s more interesting were surely my interactions with Eliya and as it became pretty clear, they were being, if not manipulated, then let’s say influenced by the crew to achieve maximum weirdness and entertainment (and really, should anyone expect otherwise?)

In between each stage of the date, such as when we were about to get into the car, they’d separate us for a minute and give us some advice or guidance.  The dugri (straightforward) questions were clearly pushed by the crew designed to create a moment, either funny or awkward, to advance the date, usually sent via text message, as her phone started beeping every few minutes.  One of the most awkward or uncomfortable moments which I’ll let you watch for yourself is when she asked what I thought of her.  While I had heard the Hebrew phrase before, its exact translation or use was a bit lost on me.  I wasn’t sure what she meant or how I was supposed to answer.  Can you say “cultural difference”?  I probably didn’t come out of that scene looking so good when I didn’t give her an answer.

Unfortunately, it was around the end of Mini-Israel when I realized that the aforementioned issue of timeliness was going to ruin the date.   I hadn’t taken into account that this TAU show was work, my job, and that for that part of the day, my priorities and the object of my attention were going to have to change.  I had told the crew, “I CANNOT be late.”  They had assured me, “you will not be late.”  Well, guess what?  Everyone together now:  “we were late.”  And from that point on, Eliya became only the second most important thing on my mind.

If the traffic wasn’t terrible, looking for the exact building on the campus was.  I had counted on them to figure out where we were going and nobody knew.  We didn’t know which entrance to go through and as you can see for yourself, we had no clue of where the building was.

If you’re wondering who “Yossiiiiiiiiiiiii!” is, it’s Yossi Tarablus, the guy who warned me about the show beforehand and a very funny comedian who I performed with that night (along with Shahar Hason).  Because I couldn’t find the building, Yossi told me on the phone that he’d go outside and that I should yell for him.  (Not shown on camera:  me, tripping.  An hour or so later, I pulled up my jeans revealing blood dripping down my leg.  Memories of my day with Shimon Peres.  Scroll down to 12:02.)

Not only did we arrive one hour later than I had hoped, RIGHT when the show was to begin, Yossi told me on the phone that because of some kind of miscommunication (“miscommunicatzia”), the students actually expected the show to begin an hour earlier, meaning I was one hour late.  Yiyeh b’sedeeeeeer!!!! (Not really.)

When we finally arrived, I had about five minutes to go to the bathroom and try to get my heart rate below 4000 beats per minute.  Always a good recipe for success.  I went on for fifteen or twenty minutes, watched Yossi and Shachar follow me, and that was our date.

Fine, no hot air balloon, but no night out in Tel Aviv?  Not that I was hoping for the night to continue but talk about not setting my expectations appropriately.  I wanted to tell them that if they were hoping for a match, it was a mistake for them to think that it would go well on a day I had to work.  But they never returned my phone calls.

So there we were at the end of the night.  In an effort to be open-minded, I thought, should I give this another try?  But then I thought back to what the shadchanit had said:  that in Israel, you tell the girl at the end of the date what you want.  Either to see her again or to not.  No better time to start being dugri than now.

Hey, no shame in that, I guess.  I mean, and not that I’ve watched any other episodes of this show yet (oh, and by the way, it’s called “Singles”) but do any couples really come out of this show?  My friend told me that other episodes were nightmares and that I came out of it looking ok.  I didn’t get caught up in the female host making fun of Americans.  Whatever.  It’s a freaking TV show.  Everything is exaggerated hyperbole and, fine, I know that no matter how long I’ll live here, I will always be pretty darn American.   I get now that their interest is ratings and if they could get someone who came off as super-American to match up with a real Israeli, they win.  It probably goes without saying that you should take everything you see with a grain of salt when watching about twenty minutes of footage edited down from a few hours but the truth is, it seems that I managed to come out of it ok.  No?

And to reveal something about myself, I didn’t even catch it until seeing the show recently but one of the most poignant moments of the show for me was near the end when Eliya said that I hadn’t been the same person throughout the day as I was onstage.  Performing, I was free and chill (loose translation) and she didn’t know where that guy had been all day.  I’ll just leave it at this:  I can be shy and it can take me some time to be natural to some people.  Not that I think she was the one or anything but I do recognize that it can take some time for someone to get to know me.

And there it is.  Certainly an interesting day.  If you’re going to comment, remember what (some of) our mothers said:  if you don’t have anything nice to say about the girl, please don’t say anything at all.

The end.

What’s that?  You want to see it?

Enjoy…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cufgXJ7AT9c

My friend Allison captured the mood perfectly in this article which not only refers to one of my Facebook statuses, but also to “Geshempocalypse” (geshem, or “rain”, plus…well, you know), my silly little name for this crazy, endless storm.  (Side note:  Allison, please stop writing articles which I have to link to.  I don’t want to lose my new part-time job with the Times of Israel.  Thank you for your cooperation.)

For a look into the mood in Israel right now, as always, mosey over to my Facebook page for a glimpse at the last 36 or so hours.  Here’s a sample:

BREAKING NEWS: Rain pounds Israel for third straight day. UN blames Jewish state for starting it.

Israeli parenting tip: If your children ask why the heavens have opened up, tell them G-d is crying because all our political candidates are crap.

And for those of you who have ever wasted time on Buzzfeed, here are some pictures of the big storm with a Geshempocalypse mention!

And as long as we’re here, check out this story from Allison about the hilarity of Birthright with a quote or two from me.

Ok, gotta run-Facebook calls….  Stay dry, people.