What War Zone???

Oh Hell, How Can I Not Blog from Ben-Gurion?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 03:42:00 +0000

Did you see this post? Go read it.

Free wireless, baby! There's a reason this went in my 61 things list this year. How can America charge 8 bajillion dollars for wireless? I hate that. And seriously, Tom Friedman mentioned this once, and it's true. It's a travesty that they charge you for luggage carts in the US, especially when you've just arrived from an international flight. "Welcome to our country! Now fork over 3 dollars, *&$holes."

(On an aside, I've never gotten the hieroglyphics or even bleeping of words on TV. Is there anyone who can't identify the word above? What exactly does this accomplish? If you're confused about the above paragraph, I was calling airport employees pinholes. "Mantis-flicking pinholes!!!")

So I just got a bagel and eggs breakfast at McDonald's. Even though I was the only one in line, it took at least five minutes to bring my food. I don't know what to think: am I annoyed because it's not nearly as fast as in America or am I excited because there's a decent chance that they actually just cooked the food? The eggs were all broken apart on the bagel, as opposed to the American fast food omelette which only has straight lines. When my eggs have a shape, I'm pretty sure they're not healthy (or real).

See that yellow stuff? Yeah, that.
Eat it. I dare you.

While waiting for my real eggs, I took the liberty of doing what any Western immigrant would do: reading the menu to laugh at the spelling. Here's the difference between new and veteran immigrants. New immigrants laugh at simple typos. "Oh look, they spelled 'burger' with an O. Tee hee!" Veteran immigrants, man, we're sophisticated. I'm tickled pink by this description: "Enlarging Fries or Potato Wedges in a Meal to Large". That's right. This is the first restaurant in history to have a gerund on their menu. Weird word choice perhaps but not shameful. Here's shameful: why in G-d's name would you be selling "McNaggets" while two columns over, YOU ARE SELLING "McNuggets"? WHY???? Dudes! You got it right! Just cheat off yourself!

Veteran immigrants also feel good for understanding why the typos are what they are. Because in this case, the nun has the ah vowel sound under it like in the word "Mom" as opposed to the vowel sound in the word "Dad". So maybe it's more easily explainable....but that doesn't make it ok.

I have another hour till I board...maybe I'll go back and read more. I have yet to find a menu with three different spellings of the same word. If I ever do, I will take a picture, post it, and shut down this blog forever because it will never get any better than that.

Last thing because there's never a dull moment from Ben-Gurion: are you guys "teesah n'eemah" people (nice flight) or "nesiya tovah" people (good trip)? I feel like you're either one or the other. I'm totally a nesiya tovah guy but I wonder if I should experiment a bit.

WILD TIMES AT BEN-GURION!!!!!

Ahhh....Jewish Summer Camp! (Last Post for Now?)

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 23:38:00 +0000

Well, it's 2:39 AM and the taxi comes to pick me up in one hour and six minutes. Where did the time go?

Unless I do one of my traditional pre-flight live blogs (thank you, free wireless at BG!), this is it for now. Since I didn't really write AT ALL two summers ago, can't foresee what will happen this summer. Should I just close up shop with a "we're on vacation" sign? Maybe a weekly classic from yesteryear?

I'll leave you with this golden nugget. This is really priceless, unearthed in mid-2007.

This is one for the ages. Did I convince you about the merits of camp? Jewish identity... friendships for a lifetime...yada yada yada. Lucky for me. My mother just unearthed this letter I wrote home circa '84-'85 from Camp Young Judaea in Texas where, ahem...apparently things got off to a rocky start. Next time any of you youth workers are dealing with an unhappy kid, just show them this letter and tell them the happy ending. I hope you laugh as hard as my friends did.

You can stop laughing now. No, really, you can.

Why the Middle East is So Dangerous

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 10:10:00 +0000

Ok, people, it's time for the truth. Israel is a dangerous place. Just look at my sink.

19 hours till my flight....

Back to packing....

"I'll Take 'Things Not To Do With Your Penis' for 600, Alex"

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 23:27:00 +0000

Ever get so mad you chopped off your penis? I KNOW, ALL THE TIME, right? *Barur! !ברור

Check out this dude...

A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower class family, police reported Sunday.

Better his own than someone else's, yes?

"After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ," said a police official.

Call me crazy, but after two years of unsuccessful petitioning, I think I'd try a third before going Lorena Bobbitt on my own mezuzah. At least he heated it though. G-d forbid he declare jihad on his infidel with a cold knife.

The man was rushed to the hospital but doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added citing the police report filed after the incident.

"Member"? People really say that? Check out definition #5 on dictionary.com. How does that word mean both "someone who belongs to something".....and "penis"? Bizarre. And how does this thing unfold anyway? (The situation, not the penis.) Does the dude regret the cutting, grab his own penis, and call 911? Do they even have 911 in Egypt? Does his roommate grab it and rush him to the hospital? And if someone's saved your unattached penis, what would you owe him in return? This goes well beyond helping a friend move heavy furniture.

So many questions...

I was going to insert a photo of a penismobile but this is a family blog.
Instead...Dora!

Those crazy Middle Easterners. What won't they do next? Thanks for the link, Mort!

*Duh!

61 Hebrew Things (Blogging: It's Not Just for English Speakers Anymore)

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 22:23:00 +0000

I know Yom Haatzmaut was last month but better late than never. Thanks to an Israeli friend of mine who not only spent 8 years in the US but also has a good sense of humor, here's this list translated into Hebrew.

Formatting with the numbers and Hebrew is impossible. If any 15 year-old wants to fix this for me, I'll buy you a year's supply of chumus. I just made one edit and the whole thing screwed up...

בהשראת הכתבה של שנה שעברה "60 דברים שאני אוהב בישראל", הנה עוד 61 דברים שאני אוהב בישראל:

1.אני אוהב את זה שלמרות שלא דיברתי עם מישהו מאז הקדנציה של בן-גוריון, הוא יתקשר אליי כדי לבדוק איפה אני עושה את הסדר.
2.אני אוהב את זה שאפשר להתיישב בבית קפה ולתת לכלב להסתובב חופשי, ואף אחד לא יניד עפעף.
3.אני אוהב את הנורמה החברתית שמאפשרת לנו לעשות 'דאבל-דיפ' בשקט, בלי החשש הניורוטי שנחטוף את קדחת הנילוס. קחו את האל-סבון המחטא שלכם ודחפו אותו לאן שאתם רוצים.
4.אני אוהב את זה שאפשר לקחת הומלס בלי כישורים בכלל, לשים אותו מאחורי דלפק של ארומה, והם מיד יהיו מסוגלים לצייר לב קטן בקפה הפוך שלך.
5.מרפסות. הן מגניבות.
6.אני אוהב את זה שאני ביקרתי בארמון של דרקולה בטרנסילבניה, נתקלתי בישראלית, ותוך שתי דקות גילינו שיש לנו מכר משותף. זה היה יכול להיות מגניב יותר רק אם היא באמת הייתה ערפד.
7.אני אוהב את הצופים. נשבע לכם, המקגייברים הקטנים האלה יכולים לקחת חיטה, מסקינג טייפ, כדור פלאפל אחד ולבנות איתם כור גרעיני.
8.אני אוהב את משפט הקסם "יהיה בסדר", האקונומיקה של השפה העברית. הכל קטן עליו. פנצ'ר? מבחן שנכשלת בו? קח שני "יהיה בסדר" ותתקשר אליי מחר בבוקר.
9.אני אוהב את השלווה ביום שבת בירושלים. כל כך שקטה ומרגיעה. אני יכול לשבת על התחת כל היום ולא להרגיש אשם.
10.אני אוהב איך שדווקא לחומוסיות שנראות הכי פחות מקצועיות וקטנות יש את החומוס הכי טעים. תוך 7.2 שניות מההזמנה, הם אספו, מרחו, ,פיזרו מעל ויצרו את מה שאני אוהב לכנות "שלמות אלוהית"

.יש יותר טוב מזה? אל דאגה, אני כבר יודע את התשובה

11. אני אוהב את הפלייליסט הלא-צפוי-לחלוטין של גלגל"ץ. "ככה, גלגל"צ, אני רוצה שתשמיעו את 'ירושלים של זהב' ואחרי זה את
"Smells Like Teen Spirit".
מה זאת אומרת 'כבר השמעתם אותם'?
12.אני אוהב שאיך שיורד גשם, אנשים חוגגים כאילו הרגע זכינו באיזו מדליית זהב בכדורסל.
13.אני אוהב שכשאנחנו זוכים במדליית זהב, לא אכפת לנו מי זכה ובאיזה ענף, העיקר שזה מדליית זהב לישראל.
14.אני אוהב שהביטחון באל על כל כך יעיל. חזרו אחריי: "אם אל-על לא עושים את זה, אף אחד לא אמור לעשות את זה." מצטער, דלתא אירליינס, אבל אני לא מוריד את המכנסיים.”
15.אני אוהב שבארה"ב, מישהי בשם אסתי גינזבורג היא סבתא בת 80 מדרום פלורידה, וכאן היא דוגמנית כוסית בספורטס אילוסטרייטד, שגם מדליקה נרות חנוכה.
16.אני אוהב את החסידי שהפגין נגד מכירת חמץ ע"י לבישת גרב במקום אסטרטגי. מסתבר שהרד הוט צ'ילי פפרס מאוד פופולרים במאה שערים. (ולא, אתם לא מקבלים תמונה)
17.אני אוהב את מספר האנשים שפוקדים את רשתות חברתיות כמו טוויטר ופייסבוק כדי להגן על ישראל כשתוקפים אותה בתקשורת הבינלאומית.
18.אני אוהב את זה שמשחק הילדים הידוע
"Simon Says"
לא נקרא בארץ "שמעון אומר" כמו שאמריקאים חושבים, אלא "הרצל אמר".
19.אני אוהב את תל אביב ביום שישי ואת האנרגיה המדהימה ברחובות, בבתי קפה, אה כן, ובים.
20.אני אוהב לבלות בחוף בוגרשוב בתל אביב, ואז לראות כמה שעות לאחר מכן את אותו החוף בסרט 'אל תתעסק עם הזוהן'.
21.אני לא ממש אוהב כשהחברים שלי מארה"ב באים לבקר וכל כך מתרגשים להיות בישראל שהם מאבדים שליטה על הצרכים שלהם, אבל אני יכול בסוד לחייך ולחשוב לעצמי "כן כן, אני גר כאן".
22.אני אוהב את ארוחת הערב בראש השנה עם החברים שלי והמשפחות שלהם, כשהם מאכילים אותי מספיק כדי להשביע צבא קטן.
23.אני אוהב כשאני, היהודי הלא-אתלטי מצפון אמריקה פוגש את הגבר הישראלי המאסיבי כורת העצים. הזרועות שלו היו כל כך גדולות, הוא צריך לשלם עליהן ארנונה.

24.אני אוהב לשתות תה רק עם נענע. שקית תה? מי צריך אותה בכלל?
25.אני אוהב את זה שמדריכי טיולים ישראליים יודעים הכל על כל מ"ר של המדינה. אם דוד המלך השתין על סלע, אתה יכול להיות רגוע שהמדריך שלך למד על זה.
26.אני אוהב את הייחודיות בחיפוש עבודה בישראל. אפילו אם לא תקבל את המשרה שלה התמודדת, יש סיכוי של 57% שיציעו לך לצאת עם הבת של המנכ"ל.
27.אני אוהב שיש אינטרנט אלחוטי בכל מקום, ובמיוחד בנתב"ג. תאכלו את הלב, סטארבקס.
28. אני אוהב את זה ששמים את הפרצוף של שמעון פרס על שמלת כלה.

.כאן אין לי אפילו בדיחה

29.אני אוהב את זה שחבר שלי שמע את הנהג אוטובוס מספר סיפורי תלמוד עם מש"לים ומקביל אותם לאקטואליה. רק בישראל.
30.אני אוהב איך שמצילים בים נהפכים לאמהות יהודיות פולניות כשהם נכנסים ללחץ וצועקים: "בבקשה בבקשה בבקשה, תחזור יותר קרוב לחוף!"
31.אני אוהב את זה שהנהג מונית שהסיע אותי הציע לי אפרסק, ולקחתי אותו. זה יקרה באמריקה כשכדורי פלאפל ילמדו לעוף.
32.אני אוהב את הישראלים שכל כך גאים במדינה שלהם שהם שואלים תיירים
: "You like Israel? Why you not live here???"
כשיש ציונות, מי צריך מילות קישור ודקדוק?
33.אני אוהב את זה שהמדינה שלנו פחות או יותר בגודל של מקום חניה, ולמרות זאת היא אחת מהיצואניות הכי גדולות של טכנולוגיה בעולם. אם אתם באמת רוצים, עולם יקר, תחרימו אותנו. רק תחזירו את כל הפלאפונים, תודה. (ואני רוצה אייפון אם כבר אנחנו מדברים)
34.אני אוהב את זה שלחברת הכבלים יש שם באנגלית, מה שיוצר את המשפט המגושם באנגלית:
"I'm waiting for the HOT guy to come"
י35. אני אוהב סחלב בחורף.
36.אני אוהב איך שבעלי הבאסטות בשוק מוכרים את הסחורה שלהם כאילו חייהם תלויים בזה וכאילו הם שתו ארבע כוסות קפה. "עגבניוווווות! שתי שקל!!!!!!!" הם יודעים שמה שהם מוכרים זה עגבניות? אין ספק.
37.אני אוהב שילד בן שנתיים יכול להרטיב את המיטה ובפסח עדיין לשיר "עבדים היינו". כבוד, חינוך יהודי!

38.אני אוהב את בני ה18 האמיצים שמשרתים כדי לשמור על המדינה. אני צריך לספר לכם מה אני עשיתי כשהייתי בגיל הזה? בואו רק נגיד שהיו מעורבים בזה מכונת צילום וכל מיני איברים שלי.
39.אני אוהב את זה שהשייקים של פירות כאן מכילים את הפירות הכי מוזרים בעולם. "ס'תכל.... היי, אפשר שייק עם פרי הדר של כוכב המדבר של אברהם, אבל זה בלי הגרעינים שגדל רק במערב הנגב? ... יש לכם?!"
40.אני אוהב איך ששמות הרחובות הם לא 'מיין, אלם, ומרטין לוט'ר קינג', אלא 'הילל, שמאי, והרצל'. (נראה לכם שלהרצל היה מושג ש100 שנים אחרי מותו, תל אביבים ימכרו רהיטים ברחוב שלו? היי, בן יהודה, תודה על החייאת השפה העברית. כהוקרת תודה, החלטנו לבנות מדרחוב בירושלים שורץ תיכוניסטים שקונים גרגיר אורז עם השם שלהם.)
41.אני אוהב איך שעברית שפה כל כך הגיונית. חנות עם כל מה שאתה צריך? 'כל-בו'. דבר טעים עם קרם בפנים? 'קרמ-בו'. אנחנו עוד צריכים עוד מילים כאלה. בת ים? ה'ערס-בו'! (סתם, אתם יודעים שאני אוהב אתכם, בת ים).
42.אני אוהב איך שישראלים יכולים לשתות קפה גם אם בחוץ 80,000 מעלות. "מה, אנחנו במרחק 5 דקות מהשמש? בססססדר! תביאי הפוך גדול!"
43.אני אוהב מילים כמו "תתחדש" שלא קיימות, או לא הגיוני שיתקיימו באנגלית.
"Wow, cool shirt! Enjoy using your new thing!"
לא הגיוני בעליל.
44.אני אוהב את הבן-דוד הרחוק של הבאסטיונר בשוק, הבחור שעומד מחוץ לתחנת רכבת מרכז בתל אביב ומוכר בייגלה. מסתבר שמשלמים לו כדי להגיד בייגלה 568 פעמים בדקה בלי לנשום. "בייגלה בייגלה בייגלה!!!"
45.אני אוהב לצחוק כשישראלי מסתובב לחבר שלו ושואל אותו 'מה אתה דפוק?' התשובה לשאלה הזאת תמיד, בכל מקרה, 'כן'. לא משנה מה הוא עושה, זה בטוח היה דפוק.
46.אני אוהב את זה שאגאדיר לא רק מאפשרים לך להזמין המבורגר עם כמעט הכול עליו, אלא גם מוציאים לוח שנה שמנפנף במלצריות שלהם.

טוב, בעצם זה קצת מוזר...

47. אני אוהב זה שהרגע ראיתי מישהו צועק על הכלב שלו "שב", וכמובן שהוא ישב. הוא כלב והוא יודע עברית. אני לא יודע מה יותר מגניב אותי, זה, או ילד בן שנתיים ששר שירים של פסח.
48.אני אוהב שאפשר לשלם על הכול בתשלומים. יום יבוא ואני הולך לנסות את הקטע הזה עם נהג אוטובוס, רק כדי לראות את התגובה שלו.
49.אני אוהב את זה שבהופעת מחווה בירושלים ל'גנז אנד רוזס', לא רק שהסולן דיבר עם הקהל בעברית, כשהוא שר הוא נשמע בדיוק כמו אקסל רוז. "אוווו אוווו, סוויט צ'יילד אוב מיין! ברוכים הבאים!"
50.אני אוהב את זה שהשנה ישראל זכתה לקבל את ה'אפל סטור' הראשון שלה. יה בייבי.
51.אני אוהב שלאנשים אין התנגדות להסיע אותך לשדה התעופה אפילו אם השעה שלוש לפנות בוקר והאישה שלהם בצירים.
52.אני אוהב את התמיכה שעולים ותיקים ומנוסים מעניקים לעולים פוטנציאלים; באופן שבו הם עונים על שאלות ואי מיילים אפילו אם הם אף פעם לא נפגשו.
53.אני אוהב לחזור לארץ ולעמוד בתור של "בעלי דרכונים ישראליים". (בהקשר הזה, אני גם מפיק הנאה אסורה כשאני רואה את כל התיירים עומדים בתור הארוך של "דרכונים זרים", בזמן שאני מקפץ לי הלאה. זה אומר שאני בן אדם רע?)
54.אני אוהב איך שבראש השנה, התצוגה של הרדיו באוטו מאחל לי "שנה טובה". לא משנה מאיזה כוכב אתה, זה מגניב.
55.אני אוהב את רכסי ההרים היפים בחיפה שללא ספק הם אשמים בבלבול שחשתי כשנכנסתי למעלית בקומת קרקע. "מה זאת אומרת אנחנו בקומה התשיעית?"
56.אני אוהב לראות את ה'סופר בול' עם החבר'ה עד 5 לפנות בוקר. כשאתה משקיע כזה מאמץ כדי לראות את זה, זה יותר מספק.
57.אני אוהב את השמיעה העל-אנושית של הישראלים שמאפשרת להם לשמוע את ה'טו טו טוווו' של החדשות ברדיו אפילו אם מישהו משתמש בפטיש אוויר מטר לידם.
58.אני אוהב איך שגוגל מפנה אותי לגרסה הישראלית של האתר. בפעם הראשונה שזה קרה, בדקתי מאחוריי וחשבתי: "וואו!!! איך הם יודעים???""
59.אני אוהב את הרגשות העזים שמכים בי בזמן הצפירה ביום הזיכרון. מעניין אם יש עוד מישהו שהצפירה הפתיעה אותו בפעם הראשונה שהוא שמע אותה. אני ברצינות חשבתי שחייזרים באים כדי לאכול את המוח שלי.
60.אני אוהב את יום העצמאות שמסתבר שבעברית משמעות הביטוי הוא "לך לגן ציבורי ותאכל פרה".
61.אני אוהב שקיבלתי את ההזדמנות הזאת של פעם בחיים ושהיא עדיין לא נגמרה

What War Zone News: Fair, Balanced, With Three Chumus References Per Hour

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Sun, 31 May 2009 05:46:00 +0000

Boker tov, all-did you have a good long weekend? Not Memorial Day....Shavuot and Shabbat. We don't get many of those in Israel so we have to enjoy them. I heard someone say yesterday, "Oof, no holidays for a long time." What, Tisha B'av doesn't count? Here's everything you need to know about Shavuot from one of my Tweets: "In Israel, Yom Haatzmaut is to meat as Shavuot is to dairy. At the end of both, I want to vomit and sleep." More cheesecake anyone?

So apparently I failed to mention that I'm flying to the States in four days to work at summer camp. Between Facebook, Twitter, email, blogs, and more, who can stay on top of everything? B'kitzur (in short), I'm spending six weeks at _____________* as I did as a kid and most recently two years ago, working as one of two rashei machaneh (did you like that smichut? BAM! Or how about this? "Rosh machaneh"s.) I'll be helping run the camp and not sleeping much.

Anyone know how many times I found time to post two years ago? Twice. Hmmm.... Looks like it's Twitter or nothing. We'll see what happens. Thus, the effort to write a few things before I go.

Here are a few unrelated newsy items which have come across my desk in the past few weeks. Thanks to Joel at Religion and State in Israel, Tony, and Mort for your appreciation of ridiculousness. Here we go....

From Laila Lavan. People in their underwear. If I said this was from Jerusalem, would anyone believe me even for a second? Half a second?
JTA says that for one day, you can visit the Tel Aviv beach in Central Park. You better not even think about going until you read this.
Heard about this? Dinner in the Sky has come to Israel. Let's just get everyone's question out there. How the hell do you go to the bathroom? (And is the shekel-taking attendant also strapped in?) And does someone forget, step away for a cigarette, and plunge 10,000 feet?
A Tiberias rabbi wants sexed-up mannequins out of stores. Sorry, guys, I might have to go with the rabbi on this one. Jesus, have you SEEN our mannequins? They're dressed like they just got back from a night in Tel Aviv. I don't want to get too descriptive but sometimes they do look a bit aroused. (Anyone ever do a double-take at a mannequin? Probably a sign that....well, I don't know what it's a sign of but it can't be anything good.)

Sorry, no mannequin pictures. However, we do have a family-friendly picture of "Bob Sfog". Like many immigrants, he apparently put off his first dentist visit.

This isn't from the news but it's still worthy of attention. Looking for an Israel program where you can help the environment? Check out Eco-Israel, a 5 month professional apprenticeship in permaculture and sustainable living. This is a MASA program (which means that scholarships are available) located on the Adam and Eve eco-farm between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv (and a couple of my friends just happen to work there. And does permaculture involve getting perms? Anyone know how to say "perm" in Hebrew? I think it's "fen." Please don't ask me why I know this.)
Haaretz reports that the quality of Israeli sperm is down 40% in the past decade. Insert your own joke here. (If my Google ranking for "Israeli sperm" shoots up to the first page, is this a good thing or bad thing? Please discuss.)
Remember my "61 things" list which made it into Jpost? Apparently this happened for a few minutes. Check out my picture below accompanied by the headline....

"Guest blog: American appeasement and the Iranian bomb."
Yes, it's official-the future of Israel rests in my hands. Be very afraid.

One more thing-did you hear the news? Jameel of The Muqata and I are related. No joke. We discovered it having lunch a few weeks ago. That's never happened to me before.

Time to pack and clean my apartment. Enjoy.

*After a few hours, I went back and deleted the name of the camp. It's 2009; camp has an "internet social networking and blogging policy" and I didn't get their permission to use their name. I'm such a good rule-following American.

I Just Read the Entire Torah. NOW What To Do?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Fri, 29 May 2009 02:46:00 +0000

It's 4:51 in the freaking morning. CHAG SHAVUOT SAMEACH! I wonder if my 2:15 AM coffee has anything to do with my being awake? It's not like I can't sleep, I'm actually getting a ton of stuff done. At 4:51 in the freaking morning, you don't worry about style and flow. Get ready, people, we're going straight to bullet points.

Here is the definitive comparative statement you can make about the relationship between Jerusalem and Tel Aviv: Last night, Tel Aviv stayed up all night partying. Tonight, Jerusalem stays up all night learning. What else you wanna know?
More about TA: last night was Laila Lavan ("White Night"), an all-night party in honor of Tel Aviv being recognized by UNESCO as a World Heritage Site. I probably arrived at Rothschild Boulevard around 9 and the place was PACKED for hours. That had to have been the most crowded I've seen any place in this country for such an extended period of time.

Not only is this the number of years since the founding of Tel Aviv, it's also the number of teenagers per square foot who were out last night.

There were tons of exhibits and people in character like this American immigrant couple from the 1950s. They made me stand sideways on a wall to take their picture. (B'ima sheli, why will iPhoto not SAVE a rotated picture? Am I dreaming? Is it not working because it's chag? Where are my Mac users??? And since when did Americans dress like this in the 50s? That dude looks nothing like Marty McFly.)

It was unclear what many of these characters were doing. There was a lot of effort put into the exhibits, for example, one guy suspended up in the air on some kind of chair, doing I really don't remember what, with let's say 100 people standing around watching without any kind of explanation of what we were looking at. Even as I was having a great time, I couldn't help think about how a little more effort would be put in in America to make clear what the hell we were looking at (I feel like this happens sometimes.) C'mon, Israel, just go a little further. If you're going to invest so much time, space, and money on something, I just think you should spend 1% extra to make the other 100% actually worth it.

After a late night, what's better than breakfast at Benedict's? Here's a clue: two words....sounds like "shafuch gadol"? Piece of unsolicited advice-I don't care how badly you want it, just don't order any food even slightly Mexican in Israel. I know, we all crave it sometimes. Just trust me. (Not great excuse for huevos rancheros not in picture. What is with these superlong captions? Something about 5:21 AM maybe...)

Now going back in time....Beta Pizza rocks. It reminds me of eating late-night pizza on 6th Street in college. I have no idea....is this place even open before 2 AM? Because I never seem to eat it any earlier than that. Remember my first year here when I ate more falael and shawarma than pizza? Me too.
This morning at Benedict's: first of all, they had something which included "egg balls." That resulted in at least 7 jokes. My friend Amalia also noted the Morroccan shakshuka which contained bacon and shrimp, causing "1000 Morroccan grandmothers to roll in their graves."
Back to back 5 AM nights....that's like Michael Jordan going for 50 in consecutive games. He did do this, didn't he? I really hope I don't pull this at camp. If so, it probably means some kid lit a bunk on fire.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand....it's Shavuot. As I've written in the past, in a study which I won't bother linking to, a high incidence of lactose intolerance was discovered among North American Jews, similar to findings in Jewish communities in Israel. Remind me not to get into a car with anyone until this holiday is over. I should have bought stock in Lactaid. After returning from dinner at a friend's in Rosh Ha'ayin (outside TA), I slept for the 45 minute sheirut ride back to Jerusalem before saying "ahh, screw it" and dragging my tired butt to my friend Yehoshua's for the Shavuot experience. Learning late-night Torah, I mean, not eating a cheesecake. I managed to stay for about an hour before having enough. He did a good job of dropping some Jewish knowledge on me but as always, 30 seconds into any kind of text study, my eyes start rolling in the back of my head as I go through one of fifty bajillion thoughts completely unrelated to the text at hand.

"And the Rambam said................."
(hey, I wonder who's winning the game tonight?)

As for tomorrow, looks like we have a lunch on tap, followed by a very important nap. Man, Tel Aviv and Jerusalem sure are different. That's kind of like saying "man, Hezbollah and Tweety Bird sure are different." But when you have two days like these back to back, you feel it even more. I've been telling people (since I'm asked 45,000 times a day) that Jerusalem ain't bad and that I am in fact enjoying my experience here. But again, when it comes to the all-important "fun" category, there is NO comparison. Much like there's no comparison in the "religion and spirituality" department. Unless Benedict's Morroccan shakshuka brings you closer to G-d.
And wasn't there some kind of Laila Lavan in Jerusalem a week or two ago? I had completely forgotten. But aside from Macy Gray and whoever else was in concert...seriously, was there anything??? My friend Ziv joked that in Laila Lavan in Jerusalem, people actually stay up till 10 PM. Good one. Heh heh. Sorry, Jerusalem.

I fly to the States in less than one week which is both soon and crazy. For that, you get a 5 AM post. I guess I'll go to bed now. I sure hope my trisim are closed.

Kick Off June With Some Laughs!

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 27 May 2009 11:00:00 +0000

It's that time of year again. Avi Liberman is bringing his hilarious friends to Israel to make us laugh and to raise money for the Koby Mandell Foundation. The names have gotten bigger over the years and this summer is no different. This time it's Jeff Ross, known by many for his Friars' Club roasts televised on Comedy Central along with appearances on countless TV and talk shows. Trust me....he is must-see.

Also appearing are A.J. Jamal from "In Living Color", Jay Leno, etc; and David Crowe, winner of both Seattle and San Fran comedy competitions, once opened for Bill Clinton.

Avi, are you on a ranch or something?

And of course Avi, my long-time friend from Texas and Young Judaea, with multiple appearances on Craig Ferguson, Comedy Central, etc.

Shows in: Raanana (June 3rd), Beit Shemesh (June 4th), Jerusalem (June 7th), Modiin (June 9th), Tel Aviv (June 10th), Efrat (June 11th)

Proceeds from ticket sales go to support the Koby Mandell Foundation working on behalf of families of victims of terror. Ticket prices go up after May 28th so order now! Buy tickets here or email tickets@djwconsult.com or call 052-522-5645.

Don't miss it! They only come twice a year; you will not regret it. As for me, I'm flying on the 4th so I'll be in Raanana on the 3rd. Hope to see some of you there!

Move Over, Arkadi Gaydamak

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 27 May 2009 05:10:00 +0000

Boker tov, my loyal readers. It's Wednesday in Israel or as I call it....Wednesday. Woke up around 6:15 this morning for no good reason. Possibly because my trisim were open one billionth of an inch. How do you say trisim in English? Scrolling vertical blinds? When they're closed, they can block out the sun completely, turning your room into a dark cave. If you're not careful however, the slightest crack will give the impresssion that you are in fact five meters from the sun. So I'm up, lying in bed, and wearing Dr. Fisher SPF 35,000.

The inside of my bedroom after not closing my trisim.
I really need some new sleepwear.

I may be tired but I'm not down about it. I feel an extra spring in my step because I'm going to be rich, people. Not because Bank Leumi made me a millionaire; I have a new get-rick quick scheme. Well, it's not actually anything but quick. Remember the scheme in "Office Space" to slowly get rich by making a fraction of a penny every time the computer rounded off? Yesterday I purchased something for 41 shekels. Well, I was supposed to purchase it for 41 shekels but only had 40 on me. No worries; the guy took my money and let me go. Would that ever happen in America? And forget the "give a penny, take a penny" phenomenon, somebody's still paying in that case. Here rather, it's "ahhhhh, b'seder, it's just a shekel." Much like the dogs in cafes from my "61 list", this is another laid-back reason I like this place. Although as someone from capitalist America, it's still bizarre.

Either way, it doesn't change the fact that from now on, I'm showing up to every store exactly one shekel short. And I could certainly use the extra money. Especially because I just bought Dr. Fisher sunblock.

And NOW I'm going to go wake up.

"Haveil Charles Havelim, Please Report to the Front Desk"

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Sun, 24 May 2009 10:28:00 +0000

Hello, people-did you have a nice Shabbat? We're hosting Haveil Havalim this week, the weekly "blog carnival" of the Jewish/Israeli blogosphere, created by Soccer Dad and currently maintained by our friend Jack.

I just Googled "Haveil Havalim" for fun to see what might come up. I made the first page; that's exciting. Nothing else noteworthy. What were you expecting, revealing photos of Bibi Netanyahu? By the way, have we talked about Israeli Google? I love how when you type in google.com, it automatically redirects to google.co.il. The first time that I happened, I quickly whipped my head around, thinking, "HOW DO THEY KNOW?!?!"

And of course if you mistype something in, Google knows exactly what to do. I recently did a search for "Dead Sea Scrills." What does American Google ask? "Did you mean....Dead Sea Scrolls?"

Israeli Google? "Nu, be'emet....why you look for that??? Eets in MUSEUM!!!"

Would it kill them to replace the "Google Search" button with "YA'ALA!!!"
(And by the way, if you want to know what appears when you Google "revealing pictures of Bibi Netanyahu", you're on your own. This is a familiy blog.)

A few more notes from the last 12 hours before we jump right in...

Just when I thought summer had finally arrived in Jerusalem, Old Man Winter decided to show up last night to rear his head one more time. I didn't check the news reports but from the feel of it last night, the temperature downtown was approximately 35,000 below. Someone should make an Israeli horror flick about being out on the town without an extra layer. It will be called "Jerusalem Summer Nights." No gory violence, just an oleh walking around Ben-Yehudah in a short-sleeved t-shirt.
And speaking of Old Man Winter, here's a piece of advice for prospective olim that you won't find on the Nefesh B'Nefesh website. Drop the middle name on the flight over. Seriously. It's just confusing. I just went to the doctor and when they called me into his office, the nurse yelled, "Binyamin Natan?" Happens all the time. So good luck to you, Old Winter. In an unrelated story, somebody was selling fresh sandwiches and coffee in the waiting room. Not sure what to say about that.
From the doctor, it was off to the dentist's office. In an effort to deal with delays, they directed me to the kid's room (I'm assuming, unless it's customary for Israeli dental offices to have the Bamba character on the wall). There were also a bunch of dalmations, a la the Disney movie. I asked the dentist how to say "dalmation" in Hebrew. To my surprise, it wasn't "dalmatzia." Anyone know? It's dalmati. Darn. I can usually guess those. And that concluded another episode of everybody's favorite game show "Milah o lo milah?"

After examining my teeth, she told me that I was the lucky winner of a brand new cavity. Instead of filling it immediately however, she told me to come back in six months and we'd see if it had gotten any worse. It sounded fine to me until I realized...."Wait a second....I know what's happening here....DID SHE JUST 'YIYEH B'SEDER' MY CAVITY????"

"Your teeth are falling out?
YIYEH B'SEDEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Ok, let's get to the blogs.

Anti-Semitism
Nothing this week? "They like us! They really like us!"

Culture
Jacob Richman from Good News from Israel uploaded a new video about clothing and accessories.

Cosmic X in Jerusalem gives us some poetry.

Still haven't seen the "American Idol" finale? Then avoid the Ben-Yehudah's post on Esser Agaroth where he talks about the two finalists and where they go from here.

History
Batya of Shiloh Musings came across King Saul recently and shares her thoughts.

Humor
Mike in Midwood tells us about a new game some of you might enjoy.

Toby of A Time of the Signs posts loads of links which might just make you laugh.

The Real Shliach keeps up with the Omer and looks at Moses.

SnoopytheGoon of Simply Jews laughs at an interesting headline about Bibi's visit to Washington.

Phyllis of Ima on (and off) the Bima tells us why spin instructors are like rabbis.

Check out one of the most ridiculous street signs I've seen. Well, besides this ridiculous sign I saw a couple of days later.

Israel
Ruti Mizrachi of Ki Yachol Nuchal! digs out her essay from her Nefesh B'Nefesh application.

Joel Katz of Religion and State in Israel updates us a couple of news briefings from the week.

NMF #7 of the Israel Chronicles likes to read and tries to navigate the world of books here in Israel.

Rahel of Elms in the Yard has a musical experience that could only happen in Israel.

Cosmic X in Jerusalem shows a picture of a flower with an interesting name in Hebrew.

Mrs. S of Our Shiputzim presents her parental guide for the Bagruyot.

Mordechai Torczyner of The Rebbetzin's Husband posts Rav Kook's letter to Chaim Nachman Bialik.

LB of Occidental Israel talks about Israelis living in NY and examines a recent study about this population.

Rickis Mom of Beneath the Wings takes a look at some special "friends" who do a special kind of army service.

Batya of Shiloh Musings puts Yom Yerushalayim in perspective looking back over 42 years.

Israel21c's blog Israelity takes a look at a few different aspects of Israeli society: Here's an update about Israel's natural beauty, otherwise known as Bar Refaeli. Heard of the Tav Chevrati? It's a social justice certification that shows there's more importance to just what goes in your food. And finally, there's now reason to think more foreign film producers might come to Israel to film. What a country!

Did you do anything for Yom Yerushalayim? Good News from Israel has pictures from the march.

After the terrorist attempt in Riverdale, Ben-Yehudah of Esser Agaroth sees the writing on the wall.

SnoopytheGoon of Simply Jews examines Roger Cohen's recent columns on Israel.

LB of Occidental Israel looks at Israel's sovereignty and its relationship with America.

Eli of Mypanim's Wedding gives his thoughts on the Bibi-Obama meeting in DC.

Did you know that the US and Israel are waging a Satanic war? That's the news out of Iran, according to Yitzchak Goodman of Judeopundit.

Jewish Music
Jacob Richman of Good News from Israel previews new postage stamps honoring Israeli music artists.

Judaism
Shvach weighs in on Hamas and Palestinian refugees going to the US and talks about the passing of his father.

State of Exile talks about a Canadian holiday and how it relates to Jewish leadership.

Just how much does a yeshiva cost? You may soon be able to find out with Conversations in Klal.

Mottel from Letters of Thought finishes his final post in the Lubavitcher Pesach in Uman series.

Personal
Amy Meltzer of Homeshuling-A Jewish Parenting Blog examines a prayer for her children to be said on Rosh Chodesh Sivan.

Mordechai Torczyner of The Rebbetzin's Husband talks about the difficulties of hosting a funeral in shul.

Shtetl Fabulous finds it not so easy to be unemployed.

The Real Shliach of Basement Blogging continues his story...

Torah
Josh Waxman of Parsha Blog analyzes the dots over "Aharon" in the parsha Bemidbar Sinai.

That concludes this edition. Submit your blog article to the next edition of Haveil Havalim using our carnival submission form. Past posts and future hosts can be found on our blog carnival index page.

Technorati tags: haveil havalim, blog carnival.

The next issue will be hosted by Dov Bear.

"Bat Yam...No, Holon....Wait....WHERE THE HELL ARE WE???"

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Tue, 19 May 2009 11:48:00 +0000

I know people in this country give bad directions but this is ridiculous. See anything wrong with this sign?

If not, Kitah Aleph called. They're waiting for you.

To be fair, they could just remove both and replace with Arsville. I'm just kidding, arsim, you know I love you. From afar.

Now what the hell do you think the Arabic says? "Rishon L'Tzion"? Would life get any funnier? Twenty points for the best answer.

Thanks, Danielle!

Update: Jameel, your comment inspired me to link to my "natbag" post. Be sure to read the comments.

Terrorist Summer Camp: Don't Miss Our Early Bird Special!

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Sun, 17 May 2009 14:10:00 +0000

That's right, my loyal readers, summer is just about here! How are you going to keep your kids busy when the weather gets hot? We all know about the Hamas summer camps where kids learn fun things like how to shoot guns and explode things. (By the way, what else do they do at camp? Terrorist gaga? Terrorist talent show? Terrorist cheers?

"We've got jihad, yes we do, we've got jihad, how bout you?
WE'VE GOT THE MOST! WE'VE GOT THE MOST!"

Well, it looks like the Jews have jumped on the bandwagon with incitement of our own. Here's a plaque from the old train station just off Derech Hevron in Jerusalem. While it appears to commemmorate some historical event, it also appears to be giving us some very disturbing instruction.

I just can't figure out why we're supposed to target our own building.
Is this some kind of military reverse psychology?

If anyone follows through with this, I'll be sure to take pictures. I just love a good explosion.

It's Friday....Who Wants a Tacky Israeli T-shirt?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Fri, 15 May 2009 07:15:00 +0000

Just because it's been a while doesn't mean we're all out of stock.

And they say our hasbara is so bad.
At least they spelled it right.

Thanks, Danielle!

Update: We've identified the shirt! See comments below....it's from a metal band. Suddenly, this is far less tacky. Of course, it still doesn't excuse things like this.

And to those of you living in Jerusalem, come out to the Jcorps Comedy Benefit Sunday night to raise money for hunger relief, children's hospitals, senior care, underprivileged falafel balls, and more. All the info's in the invite. It will be a great time and for a good cause. And who doesn't like good causes?

How About Using My Shekel To Buy a New Sign?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 13 May 2009 18:17:00 +0000

Ever run to the bathroom and have a to make a split-decision about which gender's room to run into? Well, not because you don't know your own gender (this is already on the verge of turning into a bizarre post) but because you can't interpret the sign. I remember in high school walking into some kind of country-western themed restaurant and having to choose between "Pointers" and "Setters."

Ummm...I've lived in Texas my whole life and have no earthly idea of what that means. Can somebody help a Jew out please?

Here's an interesting sign I came upon yesterday. Gender is pretty clear here as they didn't exactly leave much to the imagination, did they? I just can't seem to wrap my arms around this though: why do people in these signs never have necks? I mean, you've got the body and head. Why not connect them? This sign manufacturer clearly felt the need to show us in great detail exactly how these people are taking care of business. They couldn't connect their little circle heads to their bodies?

How do you know these bathroom folk are religious?
Duh! Mechitzah!

I'd like to see some naming creativity on signs here. How about "falafels" and "shawarmas"? "Dudus" and "Leahs"? I feel like we're missing an opportunity here.

C'mon, Social Networking and Web 2.0...SHOW ME WHAT YA GOT!!!

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Tue, 12 May 2009 20:39:00 +0000

Here it is....I'm renting out my room this summer and am counting on the power of the internet and Jewish geography to make this happen. I'm not even marking it up because I just want to get it off my head.

Great room available in large apartment located in central Jerusalem. Looking for a SK (kosher) subletter from the first week of June until first week of August (exact date flexible....could be mid-August)

The room has a mirpeset (porch), along with its own private bathroom (this rules). The apartment has three bedrooms (the other two roommates are women) and a very large living room, large kitchen, washing machine, TV, and internet.

Apartment located in high-rise in plaza across from Lev Yerushalayim Hotel. Less than five minutes from the shuk and two minutes from King George and Ben-Yehudah. Every bus line right outside and building/apartment is completely quiet. No kidding; I never have to wait for a bus to anywhere for more than 5 minutes.

Bedroom has large aron/closet, desk, bed, chair, along with a desk and chair on the mirpeset

Shomer Kashrut, rent 2400 NIS including all bills per month (internet, cable, water, electricity, arnona, vaad bayit, gas)

Looking for someone quiet, responsible, clean.

What else can I tell you? I was concerned before I moved in that it was "too central", like living off of Times Square or something. No worries-completely quiet and incredibly easy access to everything. If you want to walk to Emek Refaim or Katamon on Shabbat, it's a nice 25 minute walk.

Mirpeset with chair and desk. Beautiful view of the Mediterranean.
(If you bought that, hope you enjoy your first visit in Israel.)

This is a desk. This is your desk on drugs. Any questions?
(I just watched the commercial. They say "this is drugs." Is that even correct English???)

Do you like what I've done with my room?
I like to call it "white wall."
(By the way, the door frame makes my camera lens look trapezoidal.
Kind of a weird illusion. Ech omrim "trapezoidal"?)

Where I make myself pretty.
You didn't think it happened naturally, did you?

This is where the HOT guy does his thing.

If somebody were to cook good meals in the apartment,
I suppose they might be eaten here.

If somebody were to....you get the picture.

This is a hall. Ten points for whoever comes up with the best caption.

Ok, let's see what happens. If you're interested, email me at blovitt at gmail dot com.

Wanna See Me Pull a Rabbit Out of My Tooseek?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Fri, 08 May 2009 06:00:00 +0000

Sorry bout that...that word makes me laugh. Ok, so how about this trick? I'm going to make all the excessive bank fees in this country disappear.

If only...it would take a serious professional to make that happen. Fortunately, there are two on the way soon.

The Crossroads Center is proud to present “The Magical Mystery Tour” in a city near you from May 14-18 (unless you live in Dimona, in which case you might want to question why you live in Dimona).

Crossroads works to help at-risk Anglo teens in Jerusalem, providing them counseling, psychological care, recreational activities, and more. From their site...

Israel is facing a new and troubling reality: a growing number of at-risk youth on the streets of its largest cities. While many organizations have been established to meet the needs of these vulnerable teens, certain subcultures remain permanently and dangerously sidelined. One such population consists of hundreds of English-speaking youth. Wrongly stereotyped as members of an affluent and integrated immigrant community, they suffer from poverty, isolation, and neglect. They are estranged from any rehabilitative framework in which to recover and rejoin society.

The center employs social workers, therapists, and volunteers, and led by founder and old friend of mine, Caryn Green, who I used to torment between twenty and twenty-five years ago when she was a staff member at Young Judaea conventions and I was a little ______ in the _____.

The shows are as follows:

Thursday, May 14th – 6:00 PM, Beit Shemesh at Mercaz Zineman
Sunday, May 17th – 5:00 PM, Ra’anana at Yad Labanim
Monday, May 18th – 5:30 PM, Jerusalem at the Begin Center
Monday, May 18th – 8 PM, Jerusalem at the Begin Center

You can buy tickets now at the Crossroads site here. For more general and ticket sale information, check out their new event site here or email crossroadscomedy@gmail.com. To be Rickrolled, I mean, donate 10 shekels to fight the horrifying imprisonment of orphan chickpeas, click here.

There are many kids who need help so I hope to see you at one of the shows!

Elliot Zimet on "America's Got Talent"

Well, It's Been Nice Knowing All of You

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Thu, 07 May 2009 12:25:00 +0000

Post 2 of 2 today...

I recently mentioned that Jerusalem tends to be chilly, from my experience in my brief time here. If you haven't stepped foot in the country this week, you may not know that tornadoes have apparently invaded the country. What in the walla is up with this wind??? The most important word in Jerusalem I have learned is "layers". Well, and "finish the damn light rail, wouldja?" but that's six and two punctuation marks. Punctuatzia.

And can someone please tell me why my weather widget insists on telling me that every day is rainy?

Today is Thursday, and if it's raining outside, then my name is Falafel Jones. If that's not rain coming out of that little icon, what is it? It almost looks like one of these.

I've come to suck your brain and eat your bamba.

Mom, if I don't call on Mother's Day, it means I've vaporized. But at least you'll know it's sunny.

(Cringing)

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Thu, 07 May 2009 04:58:00 +0000

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the water" (or to a Jewish communal event).

Seriously...SERIOUSLY. We recently talked about the oh-so-tactful behavior at Yad Vashem on Yom Hashoah. Apparently Israel doesn't have exclusivity on the Einsteins.

Check out this picture from social media goddess and influential Jewish Twitterer Esther Kustanowitz. She recently went to the Israel Festival in Los Angeles for good times. How did they "mark" visitors to the festival as they walked through the gate?

"Because yellow stars have always worked out so well for our people in the past."
-Esther

I was about to go further and make a joke but really, what more is there to say? I really need to get back to photographing some ridiculous T-shirts.

CHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 06 May 2009 11:24:00 +0000

Once and for all, let's break this down.

CHUMUS חומוס:
n. (CHOO-moos) Chickpea conconction.
After eating chumus for the 47th time that day, Benji looked at the clock and realized he was late for his 9 AM meeting.

HUMUS/HUMMUS/HOUMOUS
n. (HUH-mus) Something else entirely.

Are we clear?

End of discussion.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Dumbest Israeli of Them All?

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Sun, 03 May 2009 14:51:00 +0000

So as I explained a little bit ago, I returned to Ulpan recently to brush up on...you know...HEBREW. Before I settled in on the big winner, I was doing some Ulpan shopping, starting with checking out their websites. Here's the site of Milah, the one I eventually chose which is conveniently and oh so nicely located less than five minutes walking from my apartment.

Take a look at the "Request More Information" page. See anything odd in this picture?

B'IMA SHELI, WHO THE HELL ORIGINATING FROM ISRAEL IS DOING ULPAN??? Is this an oversight by the web designer or is there some sabra who was raised by ibexes in Ein Gedi? Actually, what would that even mean? Would the ibexes have spoken English? Can you even imagine showing up to Kita Aleph on the first day? How embarasssing would that be?

Tarzan Israeli: "Good morning. I am here for class."
Morah: "Ehh...yes, waht eez your name?"
TI: "Yuval."
M: "Your parents ahr Eezrayli?"
TI: "Yes."
M: "Baht you ahr from....?"
TI: "Israel."

(long pause)

M: (to self) "Eez thees sahm kind of fahkeeng joke?"

Me Tarzan. Me like shawarma. Me want learn Ivrit.

*Editor’s note: Please note that “fahk” in Israel is not profanity. See also “bool sheet”

Visit My New Restaurant, "No Separation of Church and State"!

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Fri, 01 May 2009 06:25:00 +0000

It's Friday....ahhhh, the weekend. I'm heading up to Tel Aviv for the day for a few meetings, social and non-. Now here's a question for, let's say, those of you reading in New York City. Imagine for a moment that you decided to travel to Schenectady. I realize this may be very hard for you to imagine with summer on the horizon but if you don't have a house in the Hamptons or Fire Island, play along. Would you say you were traveling "up" to Schenectady (good Lord, I cannot even TYPE this word, much less say it.) I assume you would since (here we go) S-C-H-E-N-E-C-T-A-D-Y is north of the city.

Well, upon moving to Jerusalem, I realized that people often say they're going down to Tel Aviv (or anywhere, for that matter). Not because it's south of the city (New Yorkers, I mean any city now, not THE CITY), but because Jerusalem is on a hill and you're literally going down to get out of it. So am I wrong, or rather not following social conventions, by saying I'm going up to Tel Aviv? It is northish of here. And as long as we're asking questions, what do non-NYers think about the title "the city"? It didn't take long for me to start saying it once I moved to Manhattan although I can't recall if I found it annoying beforehand (probably not). And most importantly, am I really spending my Friday morning writing about this crap?

Anyway, I thought I'd say a quick hello before I get offline for the day. I probably should step away from the computer anyway before I get any more out of shape. I need an exercise routine because this city is HILL-y! B'ima sheli, how come no matter which direction I go in, I'm walking up a hill? Did your parents pull that "I walked uphill to and from school, both ways" line? If so, they might be from the holy city. (Sorry, Mr. Foxworthy.)

"If you go to Machane Yehuda on a Friday...."

Speaking of getting in shape, check out this gym which I recently discovered. If you can't read Hebrew, you can still see the name of the place. It's Pro-Life. Umm....DO THEY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? It's a gym for G-d's sakes! What kind of services are they SELLING there??? Are they trying to alienate half the customer base? On second thought, does anyone here even care? Do they plan to open an adjoining cafe called "No Gun Control"?

Purchase our deluxe package at 'Pro Life' with our finest personal trainer, Ralph Reed.

To Tel Aviv!

My Glasses Are Half Full (Aaaaand....Back to Normal Life)

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 14:29:00 +0000

Welcome to the War Zone, new readers driving in from the information superhighway! Did you have a nice Yom Ha'atzmaut? I did despite the fact that my shaved (not balding) head probably got too much sun yesterday. (Since it's shaved. Not bald. Or balding. Do you hear me? Great, let's move on.)

This isn't my official holiday wrap-up....that comes later; however, if you missed out on 61 more things that I love about Israel on Jpost, be sure to check it out and share. And if you're here for the first time, feel free to stay awhile. You might want to start with some of the favorite posts linked off to the right....if you're feeling DANGEROUS. (I don't know what that means.)

When we recently left our hero, he had recently discovered the price of sunscreen at Superpharm to be somewhere around the cost of 85 bajillion shekels. I ended up buying SPF 15 for the first time in years after wanting to be convinced that just maybe, "they're all the same anyway." Do I have any dermatologists among my readers? The claim that they're all the same: Is this one of those classic old wives' tales, like "chicken soup has medicinal value" or "falafel is a healthy snack"? And are the tales old or are the wives old? This reminds me of the smichut lesson from Ulpan when you have chaver Knesset chadash (new Knesset member) and you don't know if the MK is new or if the Knesset is new. (Sorry for dorking out there...how many people just stopped reading?)

This is a critical thing to know (the SPF question) as Israel is located approximately 8 miles from the sun and summer is just around the corner. As I said, I found myself at a nice Shabbat picnic lunch last weekend and at a BBQ yesterday a bit ill-prepared. Not only should I now plan to carry sunscreen with me at all times (like an American with his/her bottle of Purel attached to keychain), somehow the weather always seems to warm up considerably ten minutes after I leave home wearing my fleece. How many years must someone live in Jerusalem before figuring out the weather patterns? If I need to bring a scarf and mittens with me when I go walking this weekend, I just want to know beforehand.

Just another summer evening in the hills of Jerusalem...

Aside from the constant sunscreen, another seasonal fashion must is to protect one's eyes, unless one wants to go blind. For those of you who remember this fun story, I haven't really been wearing my contact lenses much for the past year and a half, both because of the doctor's orders and also because they're pricey. Which makes blocking the sun out a difficult (or impossible) task, unless you want to wear clip-on sunglasses. And if you do, you might want to pull your trousers up to your armpits as well (Dad, please do not do this.)

Or you could buy yourself some Dwayne Wayne eyeglasses from 1987.
B'ima sheli, what the hell were those?

In order to deal with the Middle Eastern sun burning a hole in my corneas, I decided to get a pair of glasses. Not just any glasses, but transitional ones, meaning the ones which shift from regular glasses to sunglasses. B'kitzur, I settled on a nice little online eyeglasses place called GlassesUSA which it turns out is owned by a couple of Israeli guys. Very reasonable prices, great service, very friendly....what more could you want? I got them this last week and after the standard adjustment period, they're great. By standard adjustment period, I mean the few hours after you put on your new glasses where you think, "Oh, dear Lord, this cannot possibly be the correct prescription. Did they pick up some Hadassah lady's bifocals?"

As for transitional eyeglasses, they catch you off guard when you're not used to them. I had to look in the mirror to make sure they had actually gotten darker and when I walked inside, I instinctively took them off, forgetting that I am blind as a bat without. It's a couple of days later now and I've forgotten that I'm wearing them which I suppose means my eyes have adjusted. Either that or I have in fact become a Hadassah lady in which case I have bigger issues than my eyesight.

So there you go....their website was easy to use, they were delivered quickly...if anybody needs glasses, check out GlassesUSA and tell them Benji sent you. (At which point, they'll respond WHOOOO???????)

And just for fun, here's a take on going to the eye doctor from one of the funniest people on the planet, Brian Regan.

You Wanted It?...YOU GOT IT! "61 More Things I Love About Israel!"

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 00:44:00 +0000

Inspired by last year's "60 Things I Love About Israel", without further ado, here are 61 more things I love about Israel. (We made Jpost again this year....could I just ask everyone to post comments together on the Jpost page here instead of on this blog?)

1. I love that even though I may not have spoken with someone since the Ben-Gurion Administration, he will call me to check that I have somewhere to go for Passover Seder.
2. I love how you can bring your dog into any cafe to walk around and no one bats an eyelash.
3. I love the social norm that allows us to double-dip in peace without neurotic fear of contracting the West Nile virus. Take your Purel bottle and stick it somewhere. (Despite the events of this week.)
4. I love that you could take a homeless person with no marketable skills, put them behind the counter of Aroma, and they'd immediately be qualified to make a little foam heart in your cafe hafuch.
5. Mirpeseot. They're cool.
6. I love that I visited Dracula’s castle in Transylvania, ran into an Israeli, and within 2 minutes realized we know someone in common. That could only be cooler if she were in fact a vampire and her name was Count Shawarmula.
7. I love tsofim, the Israeli scouts. I swear, these little MacGyvers can take wheat, some duct tape, and a falafel ball and make a nuclear reactor.
8. I love the magical phrase “yiyeh b’seder”, the Economica of the Hebrew language. What can’t it handle? Flat tire? Failed test? Take two “yiyeh b’seder”s and call me in the morning.
9. I love the peacefulness of Shabbat in Jerusalem. So quiet and relaxing. I can sit on my tuchus all day and not feel guilty.
10. I love how the smallest, least professional-looking chumusiot serve the best tasting stuff. Within 7.2 seconds of your placing an order, they’ve scooped, spread, sprinkled and created what I like to call “beautiful goodness.”

Does it get better than this? Don't worry, I already know the answer.

11. I love the impossible-to-predict playlist of Galgalatz. “Ok, Galgalatz, I dare you to play ‘Yerushalayim shel Zahav’ followed by ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’……….what do you mean you just played it?”
12. I love how when it rains, people celebrate like we just won the gold medal in basketball.
13. I love that when we win a gold medal, we celebrate like a people who take pride in every individual award won by our tiny country.
14. I love the effectiveness of El Al security. All together now: if El Al doesn’t do it, NO ONE SHOULD DO IT. Sorry, Delta, I’m not taking my pants off.
15. I love that while in America, Esti Ginzburg would be an 80 year old grandmother in South Florida, yet here she’s a hottie patottie Sports Illustrated model who also lights the Chanukkah candles.
16. I love the chassid who protested the sale of chametz by wearing only a strategically placed sock. Apparently the Red Hot Chili Peppers are huge in Mea Shearim. (And, no, you're not getting a picture.)
17. I love the number of people who hit the social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook to defend Israel when it’s being blasted in the international media.
18. I love that the popular kids game Simon Says is not in fact called Shimon Omer as Americans think but rather Herzl Amar (Herzl Said).
19. I love Friday in Tel Aviv and the incredible energy on the streets, in coffee shops, and oh yes….at the beach.
20. I love hanging out at Chof Bograshov in Tel Aviv and then seeing the same beach hours later in “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan.”
21. I love not so much that my friends visit from the States and get so excited to be in Israel that they practically lose control of their bowels, but more that I can secretly smile and and think to myself, “Yeah, I live here.”
22. I love Rosh Hashana dinner with my friends and their family when they feed me enough to nourish a small army.
23. I love when this unathletic North American Jew meets massive wood-chopping Israeli gevers. This dude’s arms were so big, they required arnona payments.

24. I love drinking tea with only nana in it. Teabag? Who needs it?
25. I love that Israeli tour guides know everything about every square inch of this country. If Moshe Rabeinu went #2 on this rock, you can be sure that your guide learned it.
26. I love the uniqueness of the Israeli job search. Even if you don’t get the position you’ve applied for, there is roughly a 57% chance that you’ll be offered a date with the CEO’s daughter.
27. I love that there’s free wireless internet everywhere, especially in Ben-Gurion Airport. Eat your heart out, Starbucks.
28. I love that we put Shimon Peres on a wedding dress.

I don't even have a joke here.

29. I love that my friend overheard his bus driver telling Talmudic stories with morals and relating them to current events. Only in Israel.
30. I love how lifeguards on the beach turn into Jewish/Polish mothers when they freak out and yell in Hebrew “please please please, I urge you to come closer to the beach!”
31. I love that my cab driver offered me a peach and that I accepted it. That will happen in America when falafel balls fly.
32. I love the Israelis who take such pride in their country that they ask tourists, “You like Israel? Why you not live here???” When you’ve got Zionism, who needs linking verbs?
33. I love that this country is roughly the size of a parking spot yet is one of the most innovative producers of technology on the planet. Boycott us if you’d like, world. Just please return your cell phones, thanks. (And I’d like an iPhone while you’re at it.)
34. I love that the cable companies are named for English words, causing the inevitable awkward statement, “I’m waiting at home for the HOT guy to come.”
35. I love sachlab in the winter.
36. I love that the vendors at the shuk sell their product as if their lives depend on it and like they just downed four cups of coffee. “AGVANIOOOOOOOOT! SHTAY SHEKEL!!!!!!!!” Do they know they’re selling tomatoes? You bet they do.
37. I love that a two year old can wet the bed but still sing “Avadim hayinu” for Pesach. Goooooo, Jewish education!

38. I love the brave 18 year-olds who serve to defend this country. Do I even need to tell you what I was doing at that age? Let’s just say it rhymes with “Meroxing body parts.” Apologies to the administrative staff at Texas Hillel.
39. I love how the fruit shakes here contain the most obscure fruits in the history of the world. “Watch this….hey, can I get a shake with Abraham’s desert star citrus fruit, but the one without the seeds that only grows in the Western Negev? (pause) YOU HAVE IT???”
40. I love how the street names aren’t Main, Elm, and MLK, but Hillel, Shamai, and Herzl. (Do you think Theodore had any idea that 100 years after his death, Tel Avivim would be selling furniture on his street? Hey, Ben-Yehudah, thanks for reviving our language. To show our gratitude, we’ve decided to give you a pedestrian mall where teenagers frolic and buy their name on a grain of rice.)
41. I love how Hebrew makes so much sense. A store with everything you need? Kol-bo. Delicious treat with cream in it? Crem-bo. We need more words like this. Bat Yam? The ars-bo! (Just kidding, Bat Yam, you know I love you.)
42. I love how Israelis will drink coffee even when it’s 80,000 degrees outside. “We ahr five meen-utes from deh sun? B’sedeeeer! Hafuch gadol!”
43. I love words like “teetchadesh” that neither exist nor make sense in the English language”. “Wow, cool shirt! Enjoy using your new thing!” Nice try.
44. I love the distant cousin of the shuk vendor, the guy outside the Arlozorov train station selling “baigeles”. Apparently he gets paid to say baigele 568 times per minute without taking a breath. “BAIGELE BAIGELE BAIGELE!!!”
45. I love laughing when an Israeli turns to his friend and asks the question “mah ata dafuk?" (are you crazy?) The answer to that question is absolutely, positively, always yes. Whatever the guy just did, it was definitely dafuk.
46. I love that Agadir Burger Bar not only allows you to order a burger with just about anything on it but also publishes a calendar showcasing their waitresses.

All right, so maybe it's a little weird...

47. I love that I just saw someone tell their pet “shev” which he of course did. He’s a dog and he knows Hebrew. Between this and the two-year old singing Passover songs, does it get any better?
48. I love that you can pay for everything in tashlumim, monthly installments. One of these days, I’m going to try this with an Egged bus driver just to watch his head spin.
49. I love that I went to a Guns N’ Roses tribute concert in Jerusalem and not only did the singer speak to the crowd in Hebrew, when he sang he actually sounded just like Axl Rose. “Oh oh oh oooooooh, sweet child of miiiine! Bruchim habaim!”
50. I love that Israel got its first Apple store this past year. Yeah, baby.
51. I love how people have no qualms about giving you a ride to the airport even if it’s three in the morning and their wife is in labor.
52. I love the support that experienced olim (immigrants) give to prospective olim, answering questions and emails even if they’ve never met before.
53. I love flying into Israel and going through the “Israeli passport” line. (On a related note, I also derive some guilty pleasure watching the tourists lining up in the very lengthy “Foreign Passport” line as I quickly waltz on through. Does that make me a bad person?)
54. I love how on Rosh Hashana, the car radio display wished me a “shana tovah”. I don’t care what planet you’re from, that’s awesome.
55. I love the beautiful hills of Haifa which nevertheless caused me extreme confusion upon entering an elevator from ground level. “What do you mean we’re on the 9th floor?”
56. I love watching the Super Bowl until 5 AM with the guys. When you work that hard for it, you enjoy it that much more.
57. I love the superhuman Israeli hearing which allows them to pick up the “beep beep beep” of the news even while someone is using a jackhammer three feet away.
58. I love how Google redirects you to the Israeli version of the site. The first time it happened, I looked behind me and thought, “WHOA!!! How do they know???”
59. I love the powerful emotion I feel during the Yom Hazikaron siren which you can only experience in Israel. Was anyone else caught off guard the first time they heard the siren? Seriously, I thought aliens were coming to eat my brain.
60. I love Yom Ha’atzmaut which is apparently Hebrew for “go to the park and eat a cow.”
61. I love that I’ve had this once-in-a-lifetime experience and that it’s not over yet.

Chag sameach to all, and here's to 61!

How I Spent My Erev Yom Hazikaron (Sounds 4th Grade-ish, Yeah?)

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:08:00 +0000

Tonight began Yom Hazikaron, the memorial day for fallen soldiers and victims of terror. In case you missed my recap in 2007 or 2008, go take a few minutes to catch up. What more can be said? I told a friend tonight that while you could make a case for any one of several days as the "best day to be in Israel", it's hard to top the back-to-back combo of Yom Hazikaron and Yom Ha'atzmaut. I mean, hey, Purim and Rosh Hashana are special but you could theoretically have a great experience elsewhere. What the hell compares to "Zika" and "Atzma"? (I feel like these days need nicknames, if only because I keep saying them over and over again and they're not short words.)

My Ulpan teacher this morning gave us a sheet with a number of options of things to do in Jerusalem and I don't think you can really go wrong as long as you do SOMETHING. I decided to go to the Kotel for the national tekes (ceremony). Shimon Peres spoke as did the Chief of Staff Gabi Ashkenazi. While we were pretty far away, it was just being there as part of the community...and the Kotel at night is always special. Here's a quick peek...

I often am torn between recording the moment for you people and BEING in the moment for myself. You can't record everyone standing frozen during the siren while also appreciating it. Once you remove yourself from it, you're out. After a few minutes of thinking about it tonight, I said "screw it, I'm recording Hatikva at the Kotel." It's Hatikva at the Kotel!!! Five seconds before the singing began, dead goes the battery. I'd say it was a sign from G-d but let's be honest, I should have charged the darn thing. So no video for you (or me)....sorry.

Afterwards, we continued to Kikar Safra, a square near the Old City, for shira b'tzibur (public singing?) I wrote about it here in one of my first posts ever. B'tzibur, I mean b'kitzur (ha ha ha), it took place in the courtyard of a British Mandate prison turned musuem (a little bit surreal entering the building.) Several hundred young people (somewhere between one and two thousand, I suppose?) congregating, not making a peep, singing solemn songs while the words are displayed on two large screens. "Sad karaoke" as one person put it.

I don't know how to describe it if you haven't been. I didn't know the majority of the songs but it's not about that....it's about the feeling of being part of something. Something that's important. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Everyone needs to spend one year in Israel. I never met anyone who regretted coming here, just those who didn't. Make it happen, people. 95% of you can do it (leaving a little wiggle room for those of you with superduper legit reasons).

Ok, it's 2:09 AM, and I'm zonked. More tomorrow, I'm sure.

Update, 7:21 AM: If you want to listen to Galgalatz and their sad songs throughout the day, you can do so here. Lots of classics from Israel's history about the army, its wars, mourning, etc.

Starting to Feel Patriotic...

blovitt@gmail.com (Benji Lovitt) — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:25:00 +0000

I was going to wait till Yom Ha'atzmaut to start oozing the love but this is just too cool. This is the chocolate I got this morning when buying my hafuch at Aroma this morning.

How great is this?
Unfortunately the computer didn't come with.

Tonight begins two of the most special days to live in Israel. Stay tuned....