Throw in the fact that yesterday was Valentine’s Day and that everyone I usually hang with has someone that they wanted to spend that Valentine’s Day with… I was feeling a little lonely.

Well if you’re feeling lonely you reach out to people right? Try to make connections? Well, I still have that little voice inside of me that tells me to do exactly the opposite. Hide, don’t let anyone know how you’re feeling, suck it up. Why do I do that?

Normally I can see that little voice for what it is and pretty much do the opposite of what it’s telling me. Yesterday I just didn’t have it in me. I hid and just waited for my loneliness to pass. Probably not the best way to handle things but it’s what I did.

I’m glad to say that I woke up today feeling a lot better about things. I was able to shake that “fuck it” attitude somehow while I was sleeping and am relieved to find myself feeling like myself again. Good thing cause I don’t know how I would have handled another day like yesterday.

I’m not sure when I became one of those people that needs to keep themselves busy OR ELSE… but that’s where I’m at. I guess maybe I’ve always been that way but I used to keep myself busy by staying fucked up. Hmmm… who knew.

So yes, as cliche as it sounds… I was lonely on Valentine’s Day. But Valentine’s Day is over now and so are my feelings of loneliness

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There are times when I go along feeling pretty centered. Unshakable even. Right now? Not so much. I’m flying off the handle more often than I would like.

So how do you deal with a lack of patience? No really, I’m asking. So far… I’m not dealing so well. I find myself shaking my head a lot and saying “I can’t, I just fucking can’t”. Well that’s no way to deal right.

But then you know, you think of some of the things that you’ve learned in recovery. Usually about this time a nice recovery catch phrase fits nicely. Something like… “this too shall pass”. You just kind of hang on and ride it out.

So that’s where I am at right now… just trying to hang on and ride it out. I’ll let you know how that works out for me

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It’s been a long time since I have used drugs to change the way I was feeling, 2 years this coming Monday as a matter of fact. In this time, I have still had all the same things that life throws at you, I’ve just avoided using to change the way I feel. But when you are having feels of doubt, feelings of pain, anger, sadness… what do you do to make yourself feel better?

Me? I have found that writing helps me. If I sit down and just get everything out of my head and onto paper, I feel a sense of relief. Once I’m able to look at my thoughts and feelings on paper… nothing ever seems as bad as it did in my head. This blog helps out a bunch too but as honest as I try to be on here and as deep as I try to dig… I find myself holding back from time to time. It can be pretty hard to be 100% forthcoming when you know that family and friends can read it.

But when it’s just me alone with my personal journal I feel the freedom to write whatever is on my mind. It’s a good feeling and it really helps me a lot. One of the ways that it helps is by allowing me to really get to the root of some of my anger and fears. It’s much easier to talk to other people about these things after you have an idea of what the true meaning behind your feelings are.

While I think that writing is a huge help, I don’t think it replaces talking to other people about your problems. Sometimes you need to know that someone else can identify with what you are going through. It helps you to see that you are not the exception but more the rule. People are pretty similar when you strip away all the bullshit and it’s good to be reminded of that every once in a while.

I guess the gist of this post is to say that writing and talking make me feel better. Wow… what an epiphany

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I have made a particularly big mess of things in my life lately. While I think it’s important for people to practice taking responsibility for their choices, as difficult as that may be, I think it is also very important to remember that none of us are perfect and if in hind site you see that you haven’t handled a situation in the best possible way… you need to be forgiving with yourself.

I’m feeling guilt over how a situation worked out in my life and I’m really trying to deal with that guilt before it turns into shame. We all know that shame for a recovering addict can be detrimental to their sobriety. I can’t let that happen.

I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not a bad person. I usually put everyone’s happiness ahead of my own… which, as it turns out, is a very bad idea. You can’t go on like that forever and if you’re not careful you may begin to resent those people that you have put above yourself. That is through no fault of their own of course. It just seems to be the way it goes.

So while I’m not at all happy about the way that I’ve handled some current situations in my life… it’s the way that I handled them and there is nothing that will change that. I just need to remember that I am a good person. I make mistakes just like everyone else. If I’m lucky I will learn something from my most recent mistakes.

Life can be messy sometimes. This is one of those times for me. My daily goals are to keep talking, don’t beat myself up, and don’t let this feeling of guilt go until it turns into shame. I don’t handle things perfectly because I’m not perfect, no one is.

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Somehow I let this practice slip to the wayside for a while. The result? I felt overwhelmed with problems and situations that I had left unaddressed. What does this overwhelmed feeling lead to? It leads to a sense of dread over the future. Things left unaddressed don’t just go away. Small problems get bigger and bigger until they explode. Then you’re left to pick up the pieces. Not a great way to live.

The remedy? Deal with things as they come up. End of story. That’s all it takes. Even if you’re not perfect at doing that… it’s a nice thing to strive for. I’m not sure why I have such a hard time with this pretty basic idea. What is it inside of me that wants to just avoid problems and conflicts? It’s not that avoiding things makes me feel good. It does just the opposite. It makes me feel bad about myself. So why then do I tend to do this?

Maybe this is just one of the things I will never know the answer to. Maybe it’s enough that I realize that I have a tendency to do this, it allows me to work on not doing it.

Sometimes I forget that I’m always going to be a work in progress. It’s easy to lose perspective on that. I guess the fact that I’m realizing different areas of myself need work is a great thing. It just shows that I am a self aware person and that I’m able to keep myself in check before things get totally out of hand. I guess that’s what it’s all about right?

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I talked recently about staying honest with myself and how for a long time I had been just going with the flow to avoid hurting anyone close to me. Thankfully I realized that no one can go on like that forever. It was a tough and painful lesson to learn but I’m so fortunate to have learned it.

Having said that, I still need to take responsibility for all of my choices. I chose for a long time not to be honest with myself. I chose for a long time not to be honest with those close to me. I chose to go along with a life that deep down I knew wasn’t for me… and now I’m dealing with the aftermath of those choices.

There is definitely some good that will come from having to take responsibility for my choices. I can tell you that from now on the choices I make in life will be based on self honesty. I will no longer consider ONLY how others will be affected by my choices but also how I truly feel. If I cannot be honest with myself then how could I possibly be honest with anyone else?

I’m feeling pretty bad that I’m having to hurt and disappoint some people that are close to me but at the same time I’m pretty proud of myself for finally being truly honest. This is a lesson that I do not want to soon forget. I owe it to myself and to those around me to work on keeping this fresh in my mind.

I think that taking responsibility for your choices in life becomes a much easier thing to do if those choices can be backed up by the fact that you were just being true to yourself.

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I don’t know when I started doing this or why I started doing this but I do know that I’m going to STOP doing this. It’s making me pretty miserable. And for what? Why would I choose to do this to myself? I have no answer to that.

I think a lot of people try to keep things on an even keel in their life. That could be where this whole thing originated in myself. I felt like I had fucked up so many things for so many people for so long that I just try to make everyone happy now. It’s sounds pretty ridiculous when I see it written down.

I deserve happiness just like anyone else. I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy when I’m not. I gotta be completely honest, lay things on the line and just see what happens I guess. If not, I’m going to end up living a life that someone else wants me to live and not the one that was meant for me. I’ll be no good to anyone if I do that.

I also think that it’s important that my kid see that there is real happiness in life… not just a life that is kept on an even keel for the benefit of everyone else. We make our own choices in life and for a long time now I have been choosing unhappiness. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not going to do that anymore.

“Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.” - James Thurber

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What I have been good at is dreading what I’m going to have to go through in the very near future. This is pretty asinine when you think about it because all of this dread is over what I think my near future is going to be like. I have no idea for sure what these next few weeks or month will bring and yet here I am letting myself dwell on “what ifs”.

I guess I gotta get back to basics right? I have spent a lot of time learning to hang in there and I need to start applying what I have learned to my current situation. As in right now, right this moment.

So, no more dreading tomorrow. I need to stay in the day, or the moment really. I need to remember the quote that used to get me by:

“Today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope”.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Last night I went to bed with a really heavy heart. I had trouble falling asleep because I had a lot on my mind. While I was tossing and turning I made a decision that I wasn’t going to let anything keep me down. Situations are thrown at you all the time, you gotta just keep moving forward.

The first thing I heard this morning was a song on the radio when my alarm went off. The song was Float On by Modest Mouse. It put a smile on my face right away. What a great way to start your day… smiling.

So in the words of Modest Mouse:

Alright alright we’ll all float on.
Alright already we’ll all float on.
Alright don’t worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We’ll all float on…alright. Already we’ll all float on.
Alright already we’ll all float on, ok.
Don’t worry we’ll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we’ll all float on.

This is my theme song today. I just need to lighten up a little. Things are a little fucked up right now but good times are on their way

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The helplessness you feel when you are on the sidelines of someone else’s addiction can be staggering. I only know how to deal with my own addiction… not anyone else’s. But as it turns out, you have no choice. It is what it is.

It seems that my brother, who went back into a Suboxone program in November, has not been very successful in his recovery. How do I know, you ask? Well it became pretty clear when he called my father this afternoon from a police station after being arrested. At this very moment in time I can’t tell you exactly what he is being charged with but… I think I can make an educated guess.

Rationally I know how it goes. This is what needs to happen in order for him to realize that he can’t go on using. I know that he wasn’t close to hitting his bottom on his previous attempts of sobriety so it wasn’t really going to work. But who thinks rationally all the time? Sometimes your feelings get the best of you.

It’s pretty hard to be rational when you watch your mother completely lose her shit because once again her baby boy is all fucked up and there is NOTHING she can do. It’s pretty hard to be rational when you watch how your brother’s addiction has aged your dad about 10 years in the last year. It’s just such a fucked up situation that it’s pretty hard to keep a level head… hard but not impossible.

I love my brother. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. With that said, I can’t fucking stand him or the situations that he puts our whole family in. This needs to stop.

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