What Winners Do - An Addiction Recovery Blog

Who Do Feelings Still Scare The Shit Out Of Me?

Erin — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 00:14:10 +0000

It's been just about two years clean for me and still I struggle with feelings and emotions. I often wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why do feelings still bother me so much? Why do I tend to keep things in even though I KNOW that it's harmful to me? What the fuck am I so afraid of?

I think there was a time early on in my recovery when I just let everything fly. If I was feeling something I acknowledged it, found some way of getting it out... and I moved on. What happened? Something must have happened along the way to get me back into the mindset that I need to be keeping my feelings and emotions inside and not letting anyone know I'm bothered. I didn't see this happening.

A big party of my early recovery was this blog. Looking back at my older posts I can actually see my ups and downs right there in black and white. I feel like I was willing to be way more open and honest back then. But I realize as I'm typing this that I am... typing this. So I guess that's a start right?

Why, why... why? I don't understand why I'm so reserved when it comes to showing my emotions and expressing my feelings. What do I think I'll gain from that? Cause at the moment I can tell you that all I get is internal anxiety and agitation. That's never good.

I've begun isolating myself from people because I feel like I'm holding out on them when they say "hey how's everything going?" and I say "great". I know, I know... all of these things have the making of a relapse. I guess that's why I'm working towards making changes now before it gets that far.

I KNOW that no one is perfect and if someone else was to come to me with the same problems that I have I wouldn't judge them. I would tell them to stop being so hard on themselves and remind them that they are not a bad person. So why is it that I have such a hard time telling myself that? I guess that's something I should look a little closer at right?

Amy Winehouse In Rehab…Again

Erin — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 00:02:51 +0000

Let me start out by saying that I am a huge fan of Amy Winehouse's music. I absolutely love her style and feel that in the world of today's music, it is very unique.

What is not unique is Amy Winehouse's addiction problems. She has been on a downward spiral for a long time which included an attempt to enter a rehab facility in August of 2007. That attempt at recovery lasted about three days and obviously had no lasting effect. So will January 24th's check in to rehab be any different than the last?

Since Amy Winehouse is in the public eye we've all gotten to watch the train wreck of her addiction. The most recent, and in my opinion the most disturbing, example of this was a video posted by a British tabloid called The Sun. This video showed Amy Winehouse smoking crack on film.

It was upon the release of this video that my friend TDA wrote an article called The Alcoholic Playbook: The Two Minute Drill in which he was right on the mark about where Amy Winehouse was in terms of her addictive downward spiral.

That article and the decision made by Amy Winehouse the very day after it was written shows that her addiction is not unique. Sure, it's out there for the world to see but that doesn't change much about it. It seems that it still needs to follow the same progression and end up at the same place...the bottom.

What is kind of disturbing to me is seeing articles written which pose the question of whether or not Amy Winehouse will be as creative or soulful once she is no longer living the struggle of active addiction. I guess these statements are made by those who have never been at their absolute bottom in life and have had to struggle back up.

That, folks, takes creativity. That is truly a life struggle. And it is that, if Amy Winehouse makes it back up, which will ensure true soulfulness in her music. I for one am really hoping that she has finally reached that breaking point which will allow a moment of clarity. In that moment she will be able to step back and look at her life and see that it's insanity. Good luck Amy.

Addiction Recovery: Where Are You Along Your Road Of Recovery?

Erin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 23:46:16 +0000

At first, the main purpose of entering into addiction recovery was so you would stop drinking, drugging, gambling, over-eating whatever else you did compulsively. You finally realized that you had a problem and needed to stop, the next thing you did was to admit that you not only had a problem but that the problem was one that cannot be fixed on your own.

The next stop along your road of recovery was realizing that since you cannot fix your problem on your own, you needed to ask for help. This was one of the most difficult things that you ever had to do in your life. Saying out loud to someone "I need help", is not something that addicts do very well. We usually try to hide the fact that we are not in control and are not perfect. But somehow you did it. These things got you started out along your road of addiction recovery...but where are you along your road of recovery now?

What is interesting is that just as addiction usually follows the same downward spiral, addiction recovery seems to keep people on a similar upward course. This is not to say that everyone's situations are identical, they are far from that. What it does mean is that there are some common speed bumps that people will hit as they travel down that road to recovery.

These "speed bumps" aren't always monumental. They could be small, annoying things like not being able to sleep at night. Take myself for instance. I was reading some of my older posts and found one titled Downer Junky Asks How Am I Supposed To Sleep?. This was about two months into my recovery and I was finding it hard to fall asleep at night without the use of sleeping aides. Huge problem? No, but at the time it felt like that. Eventually I figured a way over that speed bump.

Climbing Over The Bigger Hurdles

I kept running into the little speed bumps of life in recovery and every once in a while would hit a bigger hurdle along the way. One of those hurdles was dealing with the fact that I am uncomfortable in social situations. I don't think that it is very obvious to anyone I'm around because I have a great knack of totally hiding what I'm feeling on the inside and making it appear that I am very confident and comfortable on the outside. THIS IS A BIG ONE FOR ME.

In the "good" old days, I would quiet that internal anxiety by getting a primer on. A primer would be the 2 or 3 beers I would drink along with the 2 or 3 Klonopin I would pop before I left for whatever social gathering I was going to. This was probably the reason that no one ever knew when I was feeling tipsy...they only saw me when I was tipsy. It was when I was stone cold sober that people would question me about the way I was acting.

That primer allowed me to be "funner" and more "out going" when I arrived at the social gathering. I felt less self-conscious and was able to talk and laugh and "be myself". At least I thought. As I got a little practice at sober socializing I realized that being on the quiet side and not always being the life of the party is ok. It's who I am. Plus, I never have to wake up in the morning and think of some of the things that I said the night before and be riddled with embarrassment. That used to happen a lot. Have you ever heard the saying "It's better to sit in silence and have people think that you are stupid rather than speak for the sake of speaking and remove all doubt".

Then Comes The Realization

As you go along your road of recovery and you hit the occasional speed bump, you may start to see that you have a lot of "issues" (for lack of a better word) that have never been dealt with. They have only been covered up with the use of mood altering substances.

It's at this spot along my road of recovery that I started to panic. I just kept thinking that I was so messed up. I was a weird person who can't even deal with the smallest of things. What is wrong with me? Well that answer did come to me. The only thing that is wrong is that I didn't have a lot of life skills or coping skills for that matter.

My skills were in the art of covering up the way I was feeling and never having to deal with things head on. Those are the "skills" that I had been working on so far in life. But, and this is a huge but, I thought about this and realized that this doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me a person that has some work to do on themselves...who doesn't really?

At A Fork In The Road

When you are face to face with a situation that is new for you in the sense that usually you would run and hide, you are faced with a choice. You could either choose to deal with the situation and get this "life skill" or "coping skill" under your belt...or you could do what you have always done in the past. You can try to live in denial.

Guess what. Since you are no longer using mood altering substances you are going to find that living in denial of a situation is not as easy as it once was. Believe me, I've tried. There is nothing that is going to numb your guilt or worse, you're shame. There is nothing that is going to make you escape reality for a few hours at a time. You will be left feeling horrible about yourself.

On the other hand, when you decide to actually face what it is you have fear of, you will begin to heal yourself. You will no longer be stuck in your addictive behavior patterns. Although your addictive behaviors are the ones that are second nature to you now, the more you work on dealing with life the more your improved behaviors will be the ones that happen without thought.

Addiction Recovery Becomes More Than Just Not Using

You will begin to see that addiction recovery is about way more than just not using your substance of choice. It is actually about healing your addictive thinking and addictive behaviors. It is about dealing with life in a different way than you have up to this point.

Once we grasp the concept of what addiction recovery truly is, we will begin the real journey of recovery. Once we realize that we will ALWAYS be a work in progress, the more forgiving we can be of ourselves. Once we realize that our understanding of addiction recovery can ebb and flow, we can stop beating ourselves up over the times that we just "don't get it".

Although there is no true definition of addiction recovery, I think that everyone can agree that it is more than just to stop using drugs and alcohol. It's about our human development which was stunted at the hands of addiction. Once we begin to continue to develop as humans we will find ourselves wanting to turn to drugs or alcohol less in life. For we will have developed other ways of dealing with life...on life's terms. Ones that actually get the job done, not just cover up our bad feelings.

Report Cymbalta Withdrawal Symptoms To The FDA

Erin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:36:15 +0000

As I read all of the comments on the Cymbalta Withdrawal Symptoms Suck post left by people suffering through the Cymbalta withdrawal I am infuriated. I decided that more needs to be done than just compiling signatures on a Cymbalta petition
to send to Eli Lilly.

I figured rather than just inform the pharmaceutical company themselves the FDA should be informed. I was able to find the FDA MedWatch Online Reporting Form and I filled out a complaint against Cymbalta. I'm going to tell you how you can file a complaint with the FDA too.

I urge all of the people that are effected by Cymbalta withdrawal to do the same. Just follow the link above and answer the questions. There is also a field that allows you to explain in your own words what your complaint is about. This section allows you something like 6400 characters so you won't run into the problem of running out of space while ranting.

Who knows if this will have any effect but I figured if a good number of people start reporting this problem directly to the FDA maybe they will start to look into this situation.

I'm a realist so I am assuming that Cymbalta is too much of a money maker to ever be taken off the market completely. My complaint focused on the fact that the information about the potential for Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms is not made available to physicians and patients. Therefor there is no effective way to avoid or treat them.

The FDA form takes about 5 minutes (depending of course on the length of your rant) and I beg anyone who has experienced Cymbalta withdrawal to fill out a complaint. Thank you

The First Year Of Recovery: Where I Came From…Where I’m Going

Erin — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:57:39 +0000

January 26th will be my one year anniversary of being in recovery. As far as I'm concerned, this has been the best year of my life. Sure, it wasn't the funnest, the easiest, or the most peaceful year. But as far as my well being is concerned, this has been my most productive year ever.

My first year in addiction recovery has been filled with many ups and downs, many ebbs and flows, many steps forward...and a couple of steps back. What is the most important thing I've learned? Stumble don't fall.

For anyone who is not familiar with my blog from the beginning, you missed me going through some rocky times in my recovery. Rocky like using Oxycontin again? No, not that rocky. But rocky like giving into temptation and using sleep aides when they were not necessary. Rocky like starting to revert back to my addictive thinking and isolating patterns and rocky like when the bottom of my pink cloud dropped out and I fell on my ass...you know, the normal recovery shit that everyone goes through.

It seems like if you get away from all of the semantics of addiction recovery like whether or not you work the twelve steps, whether or not you feel that taking antidepressants or Suboxone mean you are not truly in recovery, or whether you consider yourself to be an addict or a person who is chemically challenged...our recoveries and our beginning steps on the road of our recovery are pretty similar.

People who are successful in addiction recovery are those who get the recovery basics down pat (what a weird saying...down pat). They are sharing and identifying, they are reading about recovery and are usually writing about recovery in some form or another whether it be blogging or keeping a recovery journal, they know what it is to stay in the day and they are basically trying to better themselves.

Now, when I say that you have the recovery basics down pat (again with the down pat?) do I mean that you follow these to the letter and never stray? Nope. What I mean is that you know the basic things that it takes to be successful in recovery and you try to stay on top of them. That's all we can really do...try our best everyday.

Here is where the stumble don't fall comes into play. I have had periods of time where I have been off my game. For one reason or another I let my recovery take the back burner to what was going on in my life. Thankfully, what I have managed to do is remain aware enough about myself to catch this happening.

I have caught myself in various stages of falling. There were times when I could feel that old "fuck it" attitude returning and decided then and there to do something about it. I have caught myself starting to let my old addictive thinking patterns creep back in and have headed that off. I have even been to the point of taking Benedryl for no other reason than to get groggy and drift into sleep without having to think about anything. Not a big deal for some, for me...huge.

If I didn't recognize these things for what they really are...precursors to a full relapse, I wouldn't be where I am today in terms of my recovery. So while I did stumble a few times, I have never let myself fall. I plan to keep it that way.

A Stumble Down Memory Lane - Addiction Style

Here is something that I thought would be fun to do. Since I'm not really into the whole anonymity part of addiction recovery I thought it would be appropriate to show some pictures of myself...kind of like a little then and now type of thing. Here we go.

THEN:Starting from the left above, November and December of 2006...I was not doing to well at this point but still hadn't thrown in the towel. Finally, the last on the right is me actually in rehab. The picture is kind of little, I know, but trust me...it's not a pretty picture anyway.

NOW: these were all taken from October of 2007 and on (did the Miss Piggy costume clue you in?). I feel 100% better about myself. I've put on some weight since February 2007 (working on it ok?) but even still, I feel so much better and healthier than I have in a long time. And don't worry...I'm only drinking Red bull in the first picture on the left.

One last thing, I wanted to share with you a quote that you have probably heard before. This quote was recited to me by another patient while I was in rehab and it rang so true for me that it has stuck in my mind as one of those defining moments in my early days of recovery:

"Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in awareness" -James Thurber

Fear is what holds a lot of us where we are, unwilling to accept change. I could never imagine myself being grateful for pain but I am. I am grateful that the pain of my addiction ultimately became to much for me to bear and I was finally able to welcome change. And what a change it has been.

Relapse:The Warning Signs Were There

Erin — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:50:55 +0000

Recently I stumbled while walking down my road of recovery...ok I relapsed. The end result to my relapse was me drinking but there were warning signs of relapse that I didn't focus on.

I realized that I had been walking around in a pink cloud. The reason I realized that I had been doing that was because all of a sudden it was no longer going on. I was then filled with a case of the blahs.

My balloon had been popped and what was left was not pretty. I started to feel overwhelming dread at the thought of going through the rest of my life without being able to get high at least one more time. I felt like all of the positive thinking I had done in my very early recovery wasn't a reflection of my true feelings toward sobriety. I felt like I was lying to myself when I say that I'm grateful for a clean and sober life.

These dreadful feelings went on for about 10 days. In those 10 days I started to isolate myself from anyone and everyone that would be able to help me through these feelings of uncertainty. That was my biggest mistake.

Isolation plays a huge part of addictive thinking. Once you start to isolate yourself you are headed for a relapse. When you no longer feel that there is anyone that would truly understand what you are going through and you don't take the necessary action of reaching out to someone and asking for help...taking the first drink or drug is right around the corner.

I had written a post about the fact that I hadn't been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Even at the point of that post, which was just a few days ago, I didn't think I would actually drink. I just thought I was kind of being lazy about my recovery and that I would all of a sudden get back into it if I put my mind to it.

Unfortunately the end result was me drinking. So I have gone over what my mistakes were and have realized that allowing myself to isolate was the beginning of my relapse. I have to force myself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels at first, to reach out for help when I am having moments of doubt. The times when I feel like I don't need anyone else are the times that others are the most important. I have to remember that and more importantly I have to live by that.

Riding Out the Ups and Downs of Life

Erin — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 22:30:20 +0000

Life is a series of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. There are many times in our lives when we notice that a significant amount of time has passed with no real calamities. But then...

There are those times in our lives when it seems that nothing goes right. From the moment our feet hit the floor in the morning until our head hits the pillow at night it seems that everything that could go wrong does.

It seems that these are the very times that we used to try to avoid in active addiction with the use of drugs and alcohol. So what now?

You gotta ride out tough times. But sometimes our tough times is not as simple as us having a bad day. What happens when we have a bad week, a bad month or even a bad year. These things happen.

How do we keep ourselves from numbing the pain? How do we keep from getting overwhelmed and trying to escape?

I guess we just have to use what we have learned in our recovery right? There is a reason why we have worked so hard at taking things one day or even one moment at a time... because it works.

I'm going through a period of time which wouldn't be classified as fun. I guess I'll let you know how I ride it out.

Reach Out and Touch Someone…Online

Erin — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 22:14:30 +0000

Other than writing my thoughts and rants on this site I really haven't been making that much effort lately to share with people. I decided that I would join some online addiction related groups. I joined Yahoo Groups and I can't believe I'm about to say this but I love it!

I can't tell you how great it is to be in contact with people who are going through exactly what I am going through. Not only that, but it is really great to be able to give some advice to someone who is struggling with a part of recovery that you have already gone through. I'm not saying I'm an expert by any stretch of the imagination. All I'm saying is that there are certain circumstances that I have already faced and I can let someone know what I did in the situation, what worked, what didn't.

Another really good thing is just like at an NA or AA meeting people who are really struggling are sharing with you and it drives home the fact that I never want to be in that position again. It reminds me of where I came from. How low I was and how far up I have climbed. I honestly had tears in my eyes because someone was telling their story and it was so similar to my story. It made it all real again and I honestly believe that that is what we all need. Recovering addicts need to never forget just how bad we can get.

It would be really cool if you check out some of the groups that I joined for yourself and see what you think. I am part of Addiction Recovery and Pain Pill Addiction.

Another site that I think deserves and honorable mention from What Winners Do is The Discovering Alcoholic . I absolutely love the writing style of this blogger and think that he has such a way of expressing exactly what it is that we go through in a very encouraging way. He also seems to have a good sense of humor, which to me is one of the most important things in my addiction recovery. This is definitely a site that you need to check out. You can become a member and submit your own blog entries which is really cool. I submitted one called Wasted Sundays that talks about the benefits of not having a hang over every Sunday.

I hope this helps you the way that it is helping me. Good Luck and remember...Do What the Winners Do.

Addiction Recovery: Building Your Self Confidence

Erin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 21:46:57 +0000

I feel comfortable making the blanket statement that anyone in the throes of addiction has little to no self confidence. I know, "jeez, how did you come up with that one...what an epiphany." So what happens when you enter into addiction recovery and still feel zero self confidence?

Like many who are just entering into addiction recovery, I thought that as soon as I stopped using drugs there was going to be some huge amazing change and my life would be back to "normal". I guess this is what you would call walking around in a pink cloud.

Anyone who has ever been stuck in that pink cloud early in addiction recovery knows that sooner or later that pink cloud drops you on your ass and you are faced with the realization that nothing has changed except the fact that you have made the decision not to feed your addiction any longer. Your internal and external problems are still there.

Hopefully at this point you realize that in order to make improvements to your life you need to begin modifying bad behaviors which have gotten completely out of control thanks to the fact that you have been completely oblivious to EVERYTHING.

I guess what I would consider bad behaviors are things like

Lying
Stealing
Procrastinating
Bad work ethic
Not paying bills
Not having stellar hygiene
Living like a slob
Ignoring others needs and concentrating only on your own

These are just a few things that I was left to deal with in early recovery. Realizing that you possess any or all of those behaviors is enough to squash any of the self confidence that you have built up by taking charge of your addiction.

If you are not careful this can lead you into a vicious circle of beating yourself up about your bad behaviors which then leads to low self confidence which leads to not doing anything to improve yourself which gets you back to beating yourself up...etc., etc.

Act As If

Again, anyone in addiction recovery has probably heard the saying Act As If. To me, this is the best advice that I have ever gotten. I used this A LOT in early recovery. If I was nervous speaking at an AA or NA meeting I would simply act as if I was not. If I was embarrassed when the subject of my addiction recovery came up with my family I would act as if I was fine with it. Sooner or later...I was fine with it.

So Just Fake Self Confidence?

Well no, that's not really going to work. You can only fool yourself for so long. I think we have all figured that one out the hard way. What I found is that after a while of acting as if (fill in the blank) I actually was able to do whatever it is I was acting as if I could do.

Once I started to see these positive changes in myself, my self confidence started to build up. I was feeling better and better about myself. Once I began to feel better about myself I found that I could tackle harder internal issues. I have confidence that I was not a bad person...I just did bad things.

Are You Still Keeping Secrets In Your Recovery?

Erin — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:39:44 +0000

"They Say" that a huge part of addiction recovery is un-burdening yourself of all those "secrets" that you keep inside because of the fear of judgment. I guess this goes along with Step 5 of the 12 Steps. You admit to your higher power, yourself, and another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.

The purpose of this step is supposed to be about openly acknowledging the positive while committing to work at rectifying your negatives. I do understand the purpose of it, I guess I'm just NO WHERE near being ready for this type of outward honesty. I'm not saying I'll never be there, just not right now.

It seems that I'm not alone in my unwillingness to admit my secrets to another human beings. I have found some sites recently who's main purpose is to let people anonymously admit their secrets...both good and bad.

I had never heard of these types of sites before until I had read a post on another blogger's site about confessing our secrets. It was in this post that the website Post Secrets was mentioned.

It didn't take long for me to be in tears while checking out some of the anonymous secrets that are posted on this site. I felt so horrible for some of these people, they have been carrying around these secrets for so long. They obviously needed to unburden themselves or they wouldn't thought it necessary to anonymously share their secrets on this site.

Then it dawned on me...I'm not sitting here judging these people for what they are sharing. I'm empathizing with them and identifying with them. Feeling bad for them that they found no means of unburdening themselves other than leaving an anonymous secret on a website.

So why is it that I feel that I would be judged harshly? Why do I feel like there are things that I've done that I could never say out loud to another human being? I'm not talking serial murder here, I'm talking just normal human being type actions that result from low self-esteem and possibly addictive thinking.

I don't have an explanation for this. I have no trouble admitting to myself my wrong doings. I also have no problem thinking about these things and trying to figure out what caused these actions. I know that it's not just the result of being a bad person.

I guess I'm looking for some feedback on this topic. Are there those people out there that don't feel like they have gotten to the point of being able to bare their sole to another human being yet? Am I holding my self back in terms of my recovery because I can't do this? Should I just wait until I feel ready? Will I ever feel ready?