What Would Cubes Do?

Why Your "Tony Romo Sucks" Argument Sucks

2014-02-09T21:11:00.002-06:00

We've all heard it after a soul-crushing loss, at the bar or the next morning at the office. They will frequently sport jerseys, and rarely pay close attention to NFL teams outside the metroplex. They are easily-angered. They are reactionary. They are loud. Most importantly, they are stupid. Very stupid. As smart people know, it takes more time to make the better point. You aren't trying to be Tony Romo's biggest fan, you just understand football, damnit. Armed with these points, you can enter into battle with the confidence and smugness you deserve...

"Romo Sucks!"
The classic. Short and Sweet. Probably been shouted at more metroplex TV's than "Obama's a Muslim!"

Answer: Romo's rating has been in the top 10 in the NFL for every year he has qualified. (He's actually statistically better than anyone you're probably comparing him to.)

Advanced stats simply can't be deployed for these mouthbreathers, so we keep it as simple as their accusation. Here's Romo's career rating in context with the top tier of current QB's, Cowboy Super Bowl winners, and recent legends, respectively:

Aaron Rodgers: 105
Peyton Manning: 97.2
Tony Romo: 95.8
Tom Brady: 95.7
Drew Brees: 95.3

Tony Romo: 95.8
Roger Staubach: 83.4
Troy Aikman: 81.6

Tony Romo: 95.8
Joe Montana: 92.3
Dan Marino: 86.4
Brett Favre: 86
John Elway: 80

"Romo throws way too many picks."
Yes. A lot of good quarterbacks throw interceptions. You should watch their games some time too. Here's a look at those same QB's and their career INT/attempt rate:

Aaron Rodgers: 1.8%
Tom Brady: 2%
Peyton Manning: 2.6%
Tony Romo: 2.7%
Drew Brees: 2.7%

Tony Romo: 2.7%
Troy Aikman: 3%
Roger Staubach: 3.7%

Joe Montana: 2.6%
Tony Romo: 2.7%
Dan Marino: 3%
John Elway: 3.1%
Brett Favre: 3.3%

Answer: Rodgers and Brady aside, Romo throws about as many picks as his best contemporaries, and much less than those two Cowboys who you say he'll never be as good as.

"I haven't trusted Romo since he blew that '06 Seattle playoff game."

Answer: Oh, you mean the guy who led his offense on a textbook late 4th qtr 70 yard drive, going 3/3, without having to burn a timeout? OK, so he won't be a Hall of Fame holder. Maybe he shouldn't have been the only QB in the league asked to hold on FG's. Even after the botched field goal attempt, his defense, starting at the Seattle 2 yd line, with all three timeouts and 1:14 left, proceeded to give up a 20 yd run to Shaun Alexander. Ballgame.

"Romo chokes in the 4th quarter!"
Answer: (from ESPN.com): Romo has the highest fourth-quarter passer rating among all active quarterbacks. And it's not even close. His 102.1 rating is more than five points higher than the second man on the list, Aaron Rodgers.

"Yea, but in true crunch time he really sucks."

Answer: (from USA Today): Romo has a career passer rating of 93.1 in the final two minutes of a game. Fox Sports says that's the best of all active quarterbacks and the fourth-best since 1991.

"Just wait 'til December. That's when Romo will fold, per usual."

Answer: During the final four weeks of the season over the last four years, Romo ranks in the top five in comp. %, TD-INT ratio, YPA, and rating. In December, teams are depleted and must rely on depth, and the Cowboys don't have it.

"Romo's just not the leader the Cowboys need to win a close game"

Answer: Only seven QB's who played during Romo's time in the league rank higher than his 20 4th Quarter comebacks, while he ranks 20th all time. Since 2011, no one has more than his 12 game-winning drives.

"The Cowboys just won't win the big one with Romo as their quarterback."
Because of it's insufferable ambiguity, perhaps the most frustrating. We've seen the stats that show he's not terrible. It's the million dollar question for Cowboys' fans, and for fans of every team that doesn't win the Super Bowl every year. In the Cowboys case, it must be understood that a team is more than it's quarterback, or even it's offense. In all of Romo's qualifying seasons, Dallas has had a scoring defense in the top half of the NFL only twice. They were 13th in '07 and went 13-3. They were actually 2nd in 2009, winning Romo's only playoff game over Philly, even with the underwhelming offensive support of the Barber/Felix and Austin/Roy Williams tandems.

Answer: Never watch or talk football with these people again.

So Here's the Dude Arrested for Tuggin' in a Stationary Aisle in an Oak Cliff Wal-Mart

2014-01-08T22:08:00.005-06:00

DALLAS - Police arrested a man who they say masturbated inside a Walmart and then attacked an officer who tried to confront him on Tuesday in West Oak Cliff.

A loss prevention officer said he saw Tommy Darnell Daniels, 23, exposed himself and began walking behind an employee while inside the store in the 1500 block of N. Cockrell Hill Road. Police said in an arrest warrant affidavit that Daniels, who was “playing with himself,” walked around the stationary aisles and then stood near a register.

He then put his genitals away and went inside a restroom, where a Dallas police officer went to arrest him for indecent exposure. Daniels kicked and punched an officer, who used a stun gun on him, according to the affidavit.

Sure it's easy to point and laugh when it's not you getting caught publicly-masturbating, but let's give credit where credit is due. Tommy Daniels woke up Tuesday morning, and there was one thing on his to-do list: rub one out in a Wal-Mart. Did you accomplish your goals today? I haven't crossed anything off my list in three years. More importantly, did he hunker down in the lingerie section like some amateur? Nope, my boy Tommy marched in and went straight to the safest, loneliest place you could find in South Oak Cliff, the writing aisle. I'd put up a fight too if some smart-ass cop foiled a plan of mine half that fail-proof.

The Cowboys Need This 335 lb. Episcopal School of Dallas Tackle/Cheerleader and They Needed Him Yesterday

2013-09-05T22:13:00.001-05:00

DALLAS - While the Episcopal School of Dallas football Eagles toiled under the afternoon sun, 6-foot-3, 335-pound nose tackle Armand Fernandez-Pierre intently trained near the north end zone with his other team. The cheer squad. Seriously, 17-year-old senior Fernandez-Pierre is a football player/cheerleader and wholeheartedly dedicated to both pursuits.

He already was well-known at ESD among the college preparatory school’s 1,100 students (age 3 through 12th grade) and their parents, but now he’s a national celebrity. ABC came to the North Dallas campus Thursday to feature Fernandez-Pierre on World News With Diane Sawyer.

An eighth-grade football practice collision broke his neck and partially severed his spinal cord, leaving him hemiplegic for 10 months, paralyzed on the right side of his body.

He had spinal surgery. His single-parent mother, Cencelia Pierre, had to quit work to care for him. While the ESD community rallied around the Pierres, Amand was particularly inspired during his rehabilitation by Cowboys nose tackle Jay Ratliff.

Honestly, have you seen the 'Boys line play? It's sickening. I mean, Armand Fernandez-Pierre has been literally steamrolling private school 200 lb linemen like they're undersized private school linemen. Five star city with fresh dance moves and rich white girls for days. Only problem may be getting inspired by Ratliff. Gotta stay away from the bad seeds, unless you can sneak in and swindle his job right out from under his nose. Have to drop the hyphenated last name too, bro. People are gonna think you're gay or something.

Breaking Down the TCU Frogs 2013 Schedule, With WWCD's World Famous Early Line Estimates

2013-08-26T07:03:00.000-05:00

The 2012 pre-season line estimates for TCU was no easy task. With a new conference, each line was a pretty big guess, especially in mid-August. Losing Pachall then rendered everything pretty useless. Even still, for the three officially lined games with Pachall, Vegas' cumulative point deviation from the actual spreads was 15 total points (-20 KU vs game actual -14, -18 UVA vs actual -20, -15 SMU vs actual -8). WWCD is proud to say that we were also 15 total points off (we had -20, -12, and -9 respectively). Again, those were pre-season guesses on our end versus week-by-week from Vegas. So basically this post should be one-stop shopping for all of your TCU betting info needs.

Before last year, many believed that TCU had a good chance to win its first eight games, and would be fortunate to split the final four. While they accomplished the latter, they lost three of their first four post-Pachall Big 12 games and went 4-5 in conference. That wasn't terrible considering only OU and Kansas St finished better than 5-4. The 2013 conference slate moves Texas and Oklahoma earlier in TCU's schedule for Iowa State and Baylor in November.

2012 Stats (#, Big 12 rank, National rank)
Offensive PPG: 28, 8th, 68th
Rush Yards/game: 152, 8th, 66th
Pass Yards/game: 236, 7th, 62nd
Defensive PPG Allowed: 22.6, 2nd (KSU), 30th
Rush Yards/game Allowed: 105, 1st, 10th
Pass Yards/game Allowed: 218, 4th, 42nd

2012's Big 12 Defensive Freshman of the Year

2013 Returning Starters:
Offense: 7
Defense: 8

Key Offensive Departures: WR Josh Boyce (66 rec, 891 yds, 7 TD), WR Skye Dawson (34 rec, 455 yds, kick and punt returner) RB Matthew Tucker (531 yds, 6 TD), G Blaize Foltz (12 starts, 2nd Team Big 12), C James Fry (13 starts)

Key Defensive Departures: DL Stansly Maponga (1st Team Big 12), LB Kenny Cain (leading tackler, 2nd Team Big 12)

Key Offensive Returners: QB Casey Pachall (*), RB Waymon James (884 yds, 6 TD in 2011), RB Aaron Green (4.4 ypc at Nebraska in 2011), RB BJ Catalon (616 yds, 23 rec, 152 yds), WR Brandon Carter (36 rec, 590 yds, 6 TD), K Jaden Oberkrom (22/30 FG, 9/10 from 40-49 yds)

Key Defensive Returners: CB Jason Verrett (1st Team Big 12, 6 INT), DE Devonte Fields (1st Team Big 12, 10 sacks, 8.5 TFL, Pre-season 2nd Team AP All-America), DT Chucky Hunter (2nd Team Big 12), SS Sam Carter (2nd Team Big 12, 3 INT)

* In Pachall's four games in 2012, he was 66% passing with 10 TD, 1 INT, and 948 yards. Boykin was 57%, 2054 yards, 15 TD, 10 INT, but more importantly, and yes, opponents play a large factor here, Boykin was nearly three full yards behind Pachall in yards per attempt (9.77 to 7.03). For the record, Aaron Murray lead the nation with 10.1. Boykin was, however, the team's third leading rusher with 417 yards and 3 TD's.

Aug. 31st - LSU (actual Vegas line is -6) vs TCU at Cowboys Stadium

Frog's uni's for the Opener

LSU 2012 record: 10-3, 6-2
Returning starters Off/Def: 8 / 4
If you're going to knock off an SEC power, the best time to do it is the first game after they lose NINE guys to the NFL draft, including eight on defense and six in the first three rounds. The Tigers will still have to make a decision on suspending recently reinstated, barfighting, 14-year-old girl-raping RB Jeremy Hill (775 yds, 12 TD), while the Frogs will be without their suspended DE Devonte Fields. I've thought -4 has been more appropriate all along, and I'll stick with it. Of the Bayou Bengals' six conference wins last year, five were within seven points. I don't think LSU's young, untested defense will be able to contain a potential dual-threat Frog offense, and while their offense returns most, Mettenberger won't be able to move the ball consistently against a veteran defense.

Sept. 7th - Southeastern Louisiana at TCU (unofficial lines for this game)
Southeastern Louisiana 2012 record: 5-6, 5-2 in Southland Conference

Sept. 12th (Thursday) - TCU -4 at Texas Tech

Crushin' it

Returning starters Off/Def: 5 / 8
The Raiders will have tried to get their shaky QB situation straightened out against SMU and Rice before hosting the Frogs on a raucous Thursday night at Jones Stadium on ESPN. With the Raiders losing QB Seth Doege (4205 yds, 70%, 39 TD, 16 INT) (not to mention 1st Team Big 12 LT LaAdrian Waddle), Sophomore Michael Brewer was slated to move from backup to starter before back problems kept him out of practice in August. If Brewer doesn't play, Tech is left to a pair of freshmen for at least the season opener, if not later. TCU will have to capitalize on their red zone chances against a sneaky stingy defense that finished 14th nationally against the pass in 2012. Unfortunately for the Frogs, mid-September may be too early in the season for Coach Bro to get suspended after pictures leak out of him slipping Vodka-cranberries to minors at the Blue Light before crawling out of a Pi Phi house window after hours.

Sept. 28th - SMU at TCU -17
SMU 2012 record: 7-6, 5-3 in C-USA
Returning starters Off/Def: 6 / 5
SMU never really took the leap forward like some had hoped for in 2012 with Longhorn transfer Garrett Gilbert running June Jones' offense, losing three games in a down conference, twice as favorites. While Gilbert (53%, 15 TD, 15 INT) returns, the Ponies lose 1st Team C-USA RB Zach Line (1278 yds, 13 TD, 33 rec, 229 yds), will have to improve a pass defense that ranked 112th, and will be banged up after having played at Texas A&M the week before.

Oct. 5th - TCU at Oklahoma -5

Belldozing

Oklahoma 2012 record: 10-3, 8-1
Returning starters Off/Def: 7 / 4
The Sooners are coming off of one of the worst defensive years in the Bob Stoops era, giving up over 25 ppg, while fading late in the year. To make matters worse, they will be young on that side of the ball, losing leading tackler and 1st Team Big 12 FS Tony Jefferson, but do return 1st Teamer CB Aaron Colvin. While their top two backs Williams and Clay return, they lose their top two WR's and the program's all-time QB wins leader, Landry Jones. A week before the season opener Bob Stoops announced that redshirt freshman Trevor Knight would start the season as the Sooners QB over 6'6" 260 lb Junior Blake Bell (220 yds, 11 TD). The Sooners will host the Frogs after having made a trip to South Bend the week prior.

Oct. 12th - Kansas at TCU -21
Kansas 2012 record: 1-11, 0-9
Returning starters Off/Def: 5 / 4
Pachall passed for 24/30, 335 yds, and 2 TD last year, but the offense stalled with four fumbles. This year at home, they'll look to capitalize on a defense that gave up 36 ppg last year, ranked 116th in pass defense, and returns few. Defensively, the Frogs may be tested more than in 2012 with RB James Sims (1019 yds, 9 TD, 2nd Team Big 12), BYU transfer QB Jake Heaps, and an offense in the 2nd year of Charlie Weis' decided schematic advantage.

I see a pair of solid teams in Stillwater

Oct. 19th - TCU at Oklahoma St -6
OK State 2012 record: 8-5, 5-4
Returning starters Off/Def: 8 / 7
The Big 12 writers picked the Cowboys as pre-season #1 despite ranking 113th against the pass last year and losing 1st Team Big 12 RB Joseph Randle (1457 yds, 14 TD), 1st Team Big 12 G Lane Taylor, and 1st Team Kicker and Punter Quinn Sharp from an offense that ranked third in the nation in scoring. They do return 1st Team DT Calvin Barnett, and a pair of QB's who threw for over 1500 yards, over 60%, over 13 TD's, and over 5 yards/rush EACH, Senior Clint Chelf and Sophomore JW Walsh. Ok State will enjoy a bye week before hosting the Frogs for the second year in a row at Boone Pickens Stadium, where they've lost only once in the last two years, winning by 28 ppg over that time against Big 12 teams.

Oct. 26th - Texas -4 at TCU

Ash or McCoy? Devonte doesn't care.

Texas 2012 record: 9-4, 5-4
Returning starters Off/Def: 10 / 9
Everyone loves to bash the Texas offense while readying their #fireMack tweets, but the Longhorns still scored over 35 ppg last year, and return the entire offensive line to block for a clown car of blue chip RB's. A defense that gave up over 29 ppg and 191 rush ypg, AND loses Big 12 1st Teamers DE Alex Okafor and S Kenny Vaccaro, will have to improve though, or Vegas' 9.5 season win total will seem pretty silly. After the Red River Rivalry, the Horns will have an off week before traveling back to the metroplex.

Nov. 2nd - West Virginia at TCU -12
WVU 2012 record: 7-6, 4-5
Returning starters Off/Def: 3 / 7
The Mountaineers could be the conference's biggest unknown coming into 2013. If Dana Holgorsen is the offensive mastermind some think he is, then maybe they could get to six wins. They'll have to do it without arguably 2012's best QB/WR trio in Smith, Austin, and Bailey, and most of the offensive line. Florida State transfer Junior QB Clint Trickett is the August favorite to win the starting job, and they'll feature a respectable running back tandem in Andrew Buie (914 yds, 7 TD) and Houston transfer Charles Sims (860 yds, 11 TD). Their defense will have to improve from their 117th ranking against the pass last year.

Nov. 9th - TCU -9 at Iowa State
Iowa St 2012 record: 6-7, 3-6
Returning starters Off/Def: 5 / 4
This year's Cyclone defense loses three conference 1st Teamers DL Jake McDonough, leading tackler LB AJ Klein, and LB Jake Knott. For the Frog's sake, the Iowa State defense that finished 2012 102nd against the pass hopefully won't get to face a quarterback with only a couple a days of preparation this year.

Nov. 16th - TCU at Kansas State -1
KSU 2012 record: 11-2, 8-1
Returning starters Off/Def: 8 / 2
For probably my most controverial line, it's tough to estimate just how much of a drop the Wildcats will take losing Big 12 Offensive Player of the Year Collin Klein, 1st Team TE Travis Tannehill, 1st Team DE Meshak Williams, and leading tackler LB Authur Brown. They return 1st Team RB John Hubert, 1st Team LT Cornelius Lucas, and 1st Team SS Ty Zimmerman, and Bill Snyder's teams always play sound football, like finishing 3rd in the country in turnover margin and 7th in 3rd down conversions last year. Snyder loves his JUCO transfers too, and replacing Klein is potentially 2012's NJCAA Offensive Player of the Year Junior QB Jake Waters (3501 yds, 73.3%, 39 TD, 3 INT).

Nov 30th - Baylor at TCU -7

Let's all get behind the 2013 Frogs!

Baylor 2012 record: 8-5, 4-5
Returning starters Off/Def: 5 / 7
In 2013, Baylor loses their school's season record holder for passing yards in QB Nick Florence (who also rushed for almost 700 yards), as well as 1st Team Big 12 WR Terrance Williams (97 rec, 1892 yds!). They will, however, return a First Team RG Cyril Richardson and the most productive RB tandem in the conference with Lache Seastrunk and Glasco Martin, who combined for over 1900 yards and 22 TD's. Baylor will have to come up with a way to slow down Pachall though, as they finished second to last in the nation in 2012 in pass defense.

The First Rule in the Sex Swing Theft Game is You Can't Run Over Your Leg With the Getaway Car

2013-08-10T07:47:00.001-05:00

DALLAS - It started out as an ordinary transaction: A man walks into the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway outpost of Sara's Secret just before 9 p.m. Wednesday and asks to see their selection of fetish swings. The employee goes and retrieves an available model and shows it to the customer, who seems impressed. He'll take it, he says, so long as they take plastic. Upon learning that they do, he says he'll just jog out to the car to fetch his credit card.

The customer, swing in hand, walked out the front door to a Nissan sedan where a woman was waiting in the driver's seat. But instead of getting his credit card and returning to complete the purchase, he hopped in the passenger's seat and prepared to drive off.

Before the couple could make it out of the parking lot, however, karma had its way. As the car began rolling, the man fell to the ground, where his leg was run over by the getaway vehicle. The police report doesn't detail how he managed to do this, just that he was able to pull himself rather quickly into the car, which made an escape on the eastbound LBJ service road.

There isn't a more amateur move in the book, really. Yea, everybody gets excited about the thought of hittin' up that bathtub crank and giving your Mesquite beauty queen the ride of her life, but act like you've been there before. You're not stealing some introductory vibrator here. This is the big leagues. You're probably not gonna figure out the directions to get it set up in time to use that night anyway. It's like getting that new 10-speed on Christmas morning that your parents didn't pay to have assembled. That excitement's soon lost in a pile of crumbled instructions, hand-me-down tools, cigarette butts, and expletives. Have a little pride and pay for your sex toys discreetly online like the rest of us.

Power Player Question, Vol. 2: Should I Move WWCD's Entire Operation to Dallas' New Executive Lounge or Just Use it for the Big Guns?

2013-08-08T22:20:00.001-05:00

So next up in our ongoing series of elite discussions brings us to this new XL Executive Lounge on Knox and 75. Anything with "executive" and "lounge" is clearly a place for today's power players like yours truly, especially with these amenities. Multi-zoned co-working? Obviously you can't put the high-level executive bloggers in the same room as unpaid interns. Creative and Game Zone? I like to think I've spruced up our own digs a bit, but today's power exec is too busy to meet the entertainment whims of every low-level simpleton on his own. Adjacent Cafe with coffee, empanadas, salads, and more? Yea, we could definitely use some help with the office eatery. 24-Hour Access with key-fob entry? Every regional blogging tycoon knows 3am is the only decent time to clock in the quality posting, and I don't go through a door without a secured key-fob entry. Won't do it. My only question is if I should just permanently rent out a wing and show these faux exec's what mogul life is all about. Maybe I should just pay the ultra-premium rate to bring the high dollar clients in unannounced and commandeer any meeting room I want? That's gotta be an available package, right? We're Dallas executives here for crying out loud.

So Here's the Local Select Baseball Coach Who Was Arrested for Beaning a 15-year-old Over a Dozen Times

2013-08-06T21:51:00.000-05:00

ELLIS COUNTY - A former Ellis County select league baseball coach was sentenced to 15 days in jail Tuesday for hurling at least 12 baseballs at a 15-year-old player at speeds of up to 80 miles an hour.
Ron Edgar Santos, Jr. was sentenced on Tuesday afternoon in Judge A. Gene Calvert, Jr.'s Ellis County courtroom. He'll spend 15 days in jail, pay a $500 fine, and be on community supervision for 18 months.
Santos was arrested in October 2012 for allegedly throwing between 12 and 15 "hard core baseballs" at a player who was struggling to stay in the batter's box, Ellis County Sheriff's Lt. James Saulter told News 8 then. Investigators could see baseball seams on the boy's body, as well as bruising and swelling on his arms, legs and back.
Santos defended the act to investigators as a "training technique."

I can appreciate tough love as much as the next abusive manager. I've lost count of the number of hot coffees I've thrown in the face of lazy interns after they blogged some three-day-old city hall snoozer. These entitled kids just don't listen. What I don't understand is why Ronny Santos was goin' head-huntin' when the kid WASN'T staying in the box. You think he's gonna step up now, Vicente Padilla? You couldn't pay me to crowd this bro's plate. Earhole city.

BY THE WAY - Speeds up to 80 mph means soft toss all day with a single sneaky heater to keep 'em on their toes. Walk it off, kid.

Screw the British, Dirk and Wife Announce Their Own Royal Offspring

2013-07-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

DALLAS - Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki is a first-time father.
His team has confirmed that Jessica Olsson, the wife of the 2007 NBA MVP, has given birth to a daughter today, something reported by German newspaper Bild earlier in the day.
"I am proud to be a grandfather for the third time," Nowitzki's father, Jörg, told the paper. Nowitzki's sister, Silke, has two children.
The name has not been disclosed. Nowitzki and his wife were married in Dallas on July 20, 2012, in a quiet ceremony.

The big German just can't miss. Bangin' the bottom out of that open bucket with that high leg kick like it's his MVP year. Who says he's out of his prime? Sure diluting the Master race may upset the Motherland, but just wait twenty-two years when their women's national team is getting torched by an unguardable seven footer with a fadeaway jump shot as pure as their lineage. Brittney Griner better enjoy the precious few remaining years of her collegiate records.

FDA Doing It Big Per Usual, Bans Dallas Lab's Workout Secret's Jack3d and OxyElite Pro

2013-07-17T22:43:00.002-05:00

DALLAS - USP Labs' Dallas headquarters doesn't actually look much like a laboratory. It's more of a nondescript warehouse in a sea of nondescript warehouses off Stemmons Freeway and Northwest Highway. That's where the company keeps its stock of its bodybuilding supplements for shipping to retailers like GNC or directly through its website.

One of its most popular products was Jack3d...
But Jack3d does more than boost workouts. It also allegedly kills people, most notably two soldiers who suffered fatal heart attacks during Army workouts after taking the product. That led the Defense Department to ban the product and others containing a compound called dimethylamylamine, or DMAA, from stores on its bases. Earlier this year, the Food and Drug Administration issued a public alert, warning consumers to steer clear of DMAA-containing products after confirming 86 reports of illness and death.

The agency has since been working with supplement companies to get DMAA off the shelves. According to a piece in The New York Times on Tuesday, USP Labs agreed to reformulate Jack3d and another product, OxyElite Pro, to make them DMAA free, which made the FDA happy. Then, it went about selling its remaining inventory of the product as usual, which did not.

Come on FDA, do you even lift, bro? Gym rats like me don't need some pencil-pushing government bureaucrat telling me what I can and can't eat, drink, snort, or inject to get that chiseled blogger's look like you read about. Whether its pushing that last bench set or crafting that hilarious, deadline-beating blog post, sometimes you just need a little nudge. Coffee, cocaine, topless interns, and innocent fat-burners that have only killed or injured a meager 86 amateurs are all in play if you want to remain a media tycoon in this town.

So Here's the Brother Who Was Arrested for Panhandling Naked, Showboating in South Dallas

2013-06-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

Charles Lee Johnson

DALLAS - Johnson was back at Little World Food Store early this morning, once again asking passersby for money, only this time there was an important difference: He wasn't wearing any clothes.
It's unclear whether his nude panhandling was successful. Anyway, it wasn't long before a store employee called police and told them there was a naked man in the wheelchair harassing customers. A pair of police officers arrived and saw Johnson, who they note in a police report was indeed "on a wheelchair on the property panhandling."

It's a tough world for panhandlers just tryin' to make an honest living. Lurking cops, heckling teens, crippling shame, weak union benefits, you name it. As if I didn't need another reason not to toss my hard-earned blogging bucks into a sticky Slurpie cup though, whippin' out the ol' Black Mamba pretty much closes the deal. Doesn't matter how rich or successful some white dude is. If some crippled, homeless vagrant can just flash you and the wife the hog at a moment's notice, he knows he's cuckholded you. Better than a few crumpled singles, really. Emasculation city. You tell me every Wall Street Weinstein wouldn't trade places for one weekend just to have that kind of raw power.

Chicken Scratch Is Dominating the Local Billboard Game

2013-05-30T23:12:00.004-05:00

Richards Group doing it big, per usual. Chicken Scratch and the Foundry give zero shits. They're still gonna throw down the best non-Katy Trail patio game around. The coolest places in every big city are in transitioning neighborhoods. They know it, and if you wanna keep up, you better know it. Think pulling up in some Mexican cartel mule's front yard is gonna slow down the J Blacks or Slip Inn crowds? Please. Gotta park in a car wash bay at Goodfriend? It was dirty anyway. Have to turn down panhandling transients while walking to Cane Rosso or Sunset Lounge? You don't even carry cash, bro. Whoever doesn't get signs like this doesn't belong anyhow.

The Five Most Ready-to-Bang Women at the Byron Nelson Championship

2013-05-16T07:07:00.001-05:00

As a Dallas tradition is once again upon us, we examine the action outside the ropes. While the fairways and greens are in fine shape, the trim is in championship condition and ready to get a 19th hole stuffed.

5. The Wife

Doesn't wanna be here and doesn't care who knows it. She's put in the time, got the ring, and if she has to leave the villa for five minutes you're sleeping on the couch. God forbid you ask her to head out past 2 or 17 on foot, graphite is your only shaft getting action until Labor Day.

4. The College Chick

Vaguely aware of what the Nelson is all about, and only there because her dad's office had extra tickets, the college co-ed is a fickle patron. Initially excited, but can't understand why the bro's she's with want to stroll around in 95 degree heat when she's in platform heels. If you can get in and get out relatively quickly, you've got a shot to reach these well-manicured greens. Anything more than an hour and a half and you've let a fresh sun dress get irritable while you're home alone, pants-down in front of the computer again.

3. The Post-college Girlfriend

A real trooper. Old enough to understand the significance of the event, but young enough to still show some hustle. Will gladly walk 18, share your criticisms of Dustin Johnson's short game, and may tell you you're hotter than Adam Scott. Is probably also a Rangers fan and will show some real conviction when giving head. Should be taken full advantage of, but after a full effort on a hot Las Colinas day, both performance and hygiene could be dicey.

2. WAG's

Paulina

Obviously for purposes of this study we're referring to only the young and childless PGA wives and girlfriends, where the only listed occupation is to work out, look hot, and bang on command. That's it. If you're fortunate, you can catch them at the Four Seasons pool, or at the very least, stalk them as they strut about the course in their yoga pants and self-assurance. They know they're the hottest chicks on the course at any given moment, but also know that with each tourney win, the dreaded upgrade is always around the corner. Willing to do anything just to survive.

1. The Classic Cougar

A lot of jokes are made at the innocent, fun-loving, 40+ divorcée, but when it comes to the Nelson, it's all business. The kids are at grandma's for the weekend, the skin has been tanned a into fine leather, the $9 rita's are flowing, and the place is crawling with corporate exec's ready to play from the rough. This isn't another night at the Plano Sambuca here. This could literally make or break the summer season. Bag a whale, and you're set with a summer vacation home on the coast. At the very minimum, the cougar should at least get a night of free cranberry vodkas at Cool River Café before testing out the back seat of a leased BMW 3 Series.

If You Think Katy Trail Ice House Opening Up a Plano Location Is a Great Idea, Then You're Missing the Point

2013-05-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

DALLAS - A spinoff of the Katy Trail Ice House called Katy Trail Ice House and Outpost will open this month in the old Bandito's spot in West Plano, where it will do a suburban version of the popular Uptown beer garden and restaurant. Bandito's closed May 5.

Set to open "within the next 2 to 3 weeks," the second Ice House may not be on the Katy Trail, but it will have a similar menu, lots of beers and a big big patio, says co-owner Buddy Cramer.
"It's not meant to be an exact copy," Cramer says. "It's not as big. It’s in the 'burbs. We'll do some of the same things, like serve barbecue from an ice house, and we'll capture a lot of the Ice House spirit. But it's going to be a little bit different."

Oh really? A little bit different? For years there was one thing that I thought this town needed, and that was a bar on the Katy Trail. I just couldn't open one up myself cause I can only dominate one industry at a time. Sure enough, the Katy Ice House is the hottest spot in town on a pretty day, hands down. Anybody can offer mediocre food and craft beers, but few have a front row seat to the hottest of the city bouncing by in Lululemon's, tit jobs, and self-confidence. Take it off the trail and you're looking so far up to the Foundry or Saint Ann in patio superiority it'll make your head spin. I thought the whole original concept was to copy the eclectic Austin vibe. Now suburbia? Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that the Shops at Legacy could possibly support a smaller, ice house-style bar, but Park and Preston? What's your angle, Cramer? Cougar den? High school hotspot?

How About the Balls on the Sacramento Bee Newspaper to Get a Big Laugh at the Expense of the 14 People Who Died in West?

2013-04-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

So apparently over the weekend there was a big fuss in the Morning News and the Observer over Rick Perry issuing his disgust at the California capital's snickering before the smoke even cleared. The sub-human author even defended it and said he would do it again. I know I'd be pretty pissed too if I had to look at the scoreboard and see my state losing jobs and tax-paying citizens while drowning in billions of debt when compared to the Lone Star State. However, we've got one hard and fast rule around here, and that's to steer clear of death. I'd think an actual, established newspaper could at least try to keep up with our low ethical bar. But how about the lead story being, not the blatant indecency that started it, but Perry's reaction? What the hell's going on around here?

By the Way - Only scum-of-the-Earth Observer commenters would continue to use the backdrop of over a dozen brave emergency responders' deaths to go on anti-Rick Perry rants. Makes me feel a lot better about bashing 10-year-olds or pointing and laughing at hard-nippled exercisers.

Marry-F-Kill, NFL Draft Edition: Dallas Cowboys Top 3 Picks

2013-04-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

31st pick - Travis Frederick
Center - Wisconsin

47th pick - Gavin Escobar
Tight End - San Diego St.

74th pick - Terrance Williams
Wide Receiver - Baylor

Marry - Travis Frederick
After whoring around with tarted-up, skill position tricks, sometimes you've gotta do what's best for the family. Sure you coulda gotten him much later, but we all know the 'boys can't go another year with their current snapping situation. He might not be the prettiest belle at the ball, but while others' looks will fade, Travis is still gonna log the hours behind the scenes and be that coach on the field.

F - Terrance Williams
Do we need another WR after apparently committing to a two TE set? Probably not. Every once in a while do you need to wear out some buzzed mini-skirt in a Sfuzzi bathroom stall? We're all human. Terrance is that tasty tempress you hazily spot winking in your direction near closing time. You know you shouldn't, but there's so much raw talent, and let's face it, there's just some things the wife won't do.

Kill - Gavin Escobar
I don't care what his last name is and the potential danger that killing him may put me in. I do know that this team has more holes than a Harry Hines hourly motel gangbang. We've got Witten signed through 2017, and Hanna, drafted just last year, signed through 2015 already at the limited position. Both my bookie and marriage counselor agree that I watch too much college football, yet I'd barely heard of this clown. I guess Monte Kiffin drank his milk and fell asleep instead of speaking up for a defensive line that's been busy racking up DUI's and manslaughter charges like the popcorn chicken at a Beamers happy hour.

In Honor of W's Presidential Library Dedication, What Should I Include in My Exhibit at the Blogging Mogul Library?

2013-04-25T07:12:00.001-05:00

Pretty simple, really. Accomplished men like Bush 43 and myself know that you've got to leave a little something tangible behind so others can witness your greatness. He's got me beat in the office department since my low-ball bid for the Ritz came up just short, so I'll concede that.

I'm sure even my bobblehead would make chicks wet, but I think that instead of a figurine of myself, it would be more appropriate to pick one representing where I came from....

Confident, sophisticated. The bow tie says I'm going somewhere more important than here with you, and I'll stomp on your flowers and wave my victory flag on my way out. A proven winner, a born leader.

It's definitely important to let aspiring bloggers get a feel of the day-to-day grind. A little behind the scenes look at what it takes to build a media empire...

Everyday I get the same tired question... "what do industry tycoons do with their vast riches in their spare time?"

As loyal readers know, every evening I have my attendant fire up the hottub and set a Woodford Reserve and a stoge out. I may not go outside for a week, but if I want to, it's there, fresh every evening. It's not much, but simple pleasure for simple people. I'd even be willing to donate the entire spa to the collection since it's heating up outside anyway.

Sure this sight is usually all about hot chicks and good ol' hetero times, but there was a time in mid-to-late 2011, and a brief re-lapse in 2012, where the reader wasn't so sure about which way this site was swingin'. While I'll take full responsibilty, let's just say it was a dark, experimental time, and there are some things that may forever stay off the record.

Finally, any tribute to WWCD has to include the site's most-viewed post. So with that, we again say hello to Southwest Kia Girl.

Early Frontrunner for Rangers 2013 .Gif of the Year Features Unbridled, Innocent Exuberance, Humiliation

2013-04-22T22:34:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's cause we've all been there, chillin' with the bro's on the front row, fist-pumping life, when all of the sudden you're ass-deep in half-eaten nachos and shame. Maybe it's the perfect metaphor for the Rangers 2012 season. Either way, Murphy's really gonna have to have a spectacular trip-over-shoelaces faceplant this summer to top this one. Just know we Rangers' fans keep a high bar around here, kid...

If You Thought Margaret Thatcher's Granddaughter Was Hot Enough to Be from Dallas, You'd Be Right

2013-04-17T22:44:00.001-05:00

LONDON - Like many hot people, Amanda Thatcher is American. Born in Dallas, she spent the early part of her childhood in Cape Town, South Africa but returned, along with her mother and older brother, to her mother's home state of Texas in 2004 at age 11. The move happened after her father, a former race car driver, was arrested in South Africa for his alleged involvement in a failed coup to overthrow the government of Equatorial Guinea. She now attends the University of Richmond.

Amanda's brother, Michael, a high school football star who majored in chemistry at Texas A&M, was also present at the service but did not read. The siblings were Margaret Thatcher's only grandchildren.

So everybody in England is freaking out about the Iron Lady's 19-year-old grandkid who flat out rocked Ephesians 6:10-18. Just can't enough of the American blonde bombshell, or even her high school football star brother. Like it's some phony American fairy tale. That's what those pasty Brits don't get. Everybody who's anybody in this town is either hot or a high school football star, if not both. Sure the Highland Park connection is kinda rubbing it in, but you shouldn't expect anything less from the family of a great world leader. My only question is how we let this little gem slip through our hands to jump hurdles in podunk Virginia. Gotta do a better job of keeping our talent in the system.

Former Maverick Great @CharleeRedz13 Marries His Pregnant Mesquite Girlfriend

2013-04-12T07:43:00.000-05:00

DALLAS - You may have been wondering how Delonte West has been spending his free time now that he's on an indefinite hiatus from professional basketball. If Twitter is any indication, he's still in the Dallas area and has mostly occupied himself by making cameos at local gyms and dropping in on middle school basketball practices.

It's now clear that West has been engaged in non-basketball activities as well, namely making babies. He announced this yesterday in typical Delonte fashion.
"..Coud-Gracious-Alive!!...look at my 2 babies!!!....." he wrote on Twitter. "Lil CHARLEEREDZzz...comin soon to a theater near U!"

County marriage records identify the lucky lady as the former Caressa Suzzette Madden, whom the Internet identifies as a 24-year-old from Mesquite.

If the past serves as any forecast of the future, I'm sure their lives together will be filled with years of tranquil stability and lucrative employment in a quiet, upscale suburban neighborhood.

Highland Park 10-Year-Old Reminds Us All Why It's Better to Never Fill Out a Bracket

2013-04-09T14:47:00.005-05:00

DALLAS - As Michigan and Louisville tipped off in the national title game in Atlanta, 10-year-old Brayden Schager sunk into a couch with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Watching on an 80-inch screen in a converted garage in Highland Park, he remained calm despite being on the brink of history.

If Michigan won, Schager would have the top ranked bracket out of 8.15 million filled out in ESPN’s Tournament Challenge. He correctly picked 12 of the Sweet Sixteen, seven of the Elite Eight (only missing Duke), all of the Final Four and Louisville and Michigan in the finals.
The bracket was created one night over dinner. Schager called his dad, Scott, who was on vacation in Miami, and asked him for help logging in to ESPN. He filled out 10 brackets on ESPN and had another one with a group of friends.
There wasn’t a prize at stake. ESPN will randomly assign a $10,000 Best Buy gift card to one of the approximately 80,000 people who had brackets in the top one percent. This was simply for pride.
Just before the final buzzer, he took a picture with his first-place bracket. A few short seconds later he dropped from No. 1 to No. 38,292. Disappointed, Schrager walked over to his mom, who wrapped him in a hug.

Just so many validations in this story about why I stopped doing brackets that my only regret is I didn't quit sooner. If Barbara from Accounts Receivable and her cat aren't scoreboarding the entire office, then there's always some cocky 10-year-old who filled out like 17 different brackets. Guess they're not teaching integrity in schools anymore. And how bout the nerve on this Brayden Schager to say he was guessing, as if we're supposed to believe he had binders of data that ran out after the first nine brackets, so he had to fall back on blind intuition? Hey Nostradamus, if you're so confident then what are you doing using ESPN's Grandma League, where out of over eight million entries, the top prize is a 1 in 80,000 chance for a gift card? Talk about rookie ball. Next time put your piggy bank on the line like a man then we'll talk. I'm sure his allowance is about what WWCD piles up in a week anyway. Oh, and next time, how bout you wait until after the game to celebrate. At the end of the day you didn't even crack the top 38,291 and got only a disapproving hug from mom. Choke city, basically.

Dallas' New $3 Billion Midtown Development Unveils Flashy Video, Sexy Demographic Stats

2013-04-04T16:13:00.000-05:00

Can't afford the real deal in Uptown? Don't wanna slum it in Addison? Ever felt compelled to go to the Galleria, but wish there was something more compelling nearby? Dallas may just have the perfect place for you. Meet Midtown. Sure, it's like ten miles north of Uptown, but just go with it. The old Valley View Center north of LBJ between Preston and the Galleria will soon be home to a glaring sea of office, condo, and hotel towers, complete with it's own retail and shopping, park, trolley, cable car, and hike and bike trail, just in case you don't like any of those existing offerings in Old Town, or whatever greater downtown will be called by then . At least the double-decker 635 should be wrapped up by then, just in case you ever feel like you have to leave this mini-city for any reason.

How Crappy Are Astros Fans for Cheering for Marwin Gonzalez' Base Hit?

2013-04-03T07:28:00.000-05:00

While I'm sure the purists who support the broadcast-mention jinx are all over Busby's ass this morning, I'm troubled at just how terrible Houston fans are for going bonkers after a single down seven to break up a perfect-O. Houston is gonna lose 100 games this season. That hit, and that loss, mean nothing. How great would it be to say you were there for a perfect freaking game? Sure they're just about every week these days, but it still would've been just the 24th in MLB history. However, I vividly remember Mark Buehrle no-hitting the Rangers in 2007, coincidentally to AJ Pierzynski, and it sucked. I was on my feet acting like the pennant was on the line with each fruitless at-bat. Was I sorry then, or was it OK cause I wasn't there and it wasn't a perfect game? Obviously Ranger fans are pissed, so I'm a little biased. Either way, the Astros and their fans made up a lot of ground in the AL West rivalry game. What's the ruling here?

Pilot Point Bro Has the Cheapest 700 Pound Bench Press Going

2013-03-26T19:08:00.000-05:00

Can I just ask whatever happened to good old fashioned range of motion? No way those elbows sniffed 90 degrees. I mean, can't most gymbro's toss up at least 550 with the elbows over 110 degrees? If I would've known that if I packed on a little chest mass to cheat the system, I coulda rocked the weight room back in the day even more than I did. Everybody knows chicks would rather see a lean, chiseled blogger press a gentleman's 250 at an honest 60 degrees anyway. Plus, at least I can wear a sport coat and scratch my back.

How Crazy Is Mrs. Benefactor to Think that Wiz Khalifa's "Young, Wild, and Free" and Cults "Go Outside" Use the Same Beat?

2013-03-20T21:24:00.001-05:00

So the other day I'm walking around the house whistling Cults classic, "Go Outside," looking about as hip as you do in your dreams. All of the sudden the wife asks me why I'm whistling that song from Saturday's post-parade Snoop concert. Naturally I tell her she's crazy to think that Snoop would play a relatively obscure indie pop song for a heavily medicated and sunburned, hip-hop classic-craving sea of green. Even her accompanying friend agreed with her. Same song, old man. I've listened to each one a dozen times now, but since I can't write music, I can't technically explain how they're not even close without losing my mind. I mean we're one dirty dish in the sink away from divorce over here, and I can't have the IRS digging their noses around the WWCD books after neglected alimony payments. What if I'm wrong, though? What if one did adopt part of the beat from another? What if my wife's musical ear was more perceptive than mine? Do I even want to live in this world? There's no way, right?

Mi Cocina Chicken Fajitas Run Circles Around Gloria's and It's Not Even Close

2013-03-14T08:32:00.000-05:00

So when me and the Mrs. are playin' it casual, we do it Mexican-style. When we lived in the M Streets, it was the Greenville Gloria's. Loved it. Now it's the Lake Highlands Mi Cocina as routinely as most average Joe's go to McDonald's. I know they're both semi-chains who've sold out and moved to the 'burbs, but they're still good for a quality start night in and night out. Plus it helps that at MiCo I get the five-start treatment and the back booth reserved for blogging moguls. After a few years of plowing through more Mambo Taxi's and fajitas plates than Urban Spoon, I went back to the ol' Gloria's stompin' grounds Wednesday and got the usual. Lemme me tell you... wasn't even in the same ballpark. Love the Gloria's bean dip and happy hour prices, but what little chicken there was seemed both bland and oddly shaped, the rice had no kick, and the beans were as flat as a Matrix jumper. I don't need a mariachi band or anything, but I do need a little pizazz, a little showmanship, and Gloria's was a one-way ticket to Disappointment Town. MiCo ftw, but those Taxi's at $8 a pop sting when it's hasn't been a strong 1Q aroud here.