What Would Ninja Do

random googlers and closing shop

2012-07-23T13:29:00.001-05:00

Hey so I don't have any active readers anyway, so I doubt you'll read this, but in case you haven't noticed, I don't update this blog anymore. I've moved over to http://ifdreamswerebabyseals.blogspot.com/. I'm still amazed though, you fruit loops are giving me more traffic than I had when I was writing on this blog.

It's all from random googlers though. Particularly, I'm weirded out by the one who got here by asking "is mellissa midwest still dancing at...". Sorry dude, I have no idea and I just met her. I don't think she's dancing at "..." but I'll let you know if I hear anything. Also weird, the googler who found me by typing "cut cartoon cock". Sorry to disappoint sir or madam. The only cartoons here are uncircumcised like me. Yes I'm biased because uncircumcised is awesome... 9 out of 10 women agree. Finally, the notable mention, those who found my little blog by searching for "llama". Congrats to you and all future googlers that are lead here.

I'll leave this blog here for you although it seems my little site will only help 1/3rd of the googlers that come this way that's a third that really needs it. At least that's what I'll tell myself-because I don't care anymore. This blog will remain as a testament to a ridiculous and barely more immature time in my life. A time when I thought people cared about my thoughts and my uncircumcised dick... Now I have insight to know that people really just care about the latter, not so much the former.

And so I move on. Good bye and good luck in your search, my strange googlers.

Awww, you do care

2011-11-16T14:10:00.001-06:00

I don't know why or how, but my crappy little blog keeps getting views. I'm cresting 7G's as of this morning and keeping steady. I have DONE NOTHING on here for like months but I guess I'll keep you lot entertained.

Changes, biatch
I'm learning lots about stuff. And the whole vibe of this blog will be changing... hopefully for the better but maybe not, your call I suppose. Anyway, until then here is a cool song. If you're any kind of nerdy, you'll enjoy it. If you're not, shoot yourself.

A book for all... except camels

2011-09-05T22:44:00.001-05:00

So... as usual, it's been awhile. I'd apologize but ninjas don't since we so very rarely do something that merits an apology. Instead of blogging I've been saving the world. I think you'll overlook my absence just fine without an apology.

Anyway, I'm reading "The way of the superior man" by david Deida. You should check it out if you're a man, woman, gay, straight, or something in between any of those. The insights between the masculine and the feminine are well worth it... although you should know it's written in a voice to straight men. Still, I'd guess all of you might just find it applicable. Check this quick excerpt I want to share with you.

"If one of your highest goals is psychological or spiritual freedom, then you will highly value your intimacy. Nobody will press your buttons or reflect your asshole to you better than your woman. She will point out your weaknesses better than a boot camp drill sergeant. She will reflect your ambiguity or clarity better than any workshop teacher. She will do you better than a whore and give you more loving than you can handle. And all the while she will shower your life with radiant blessing, healing, and enlivenment--IF she learns to own her true feminine desires and YOU learn to own your true masculine desires."

The book is brilliant. And I'll be dorking out about this a lot on here. You might as well just read it now...

--Ninja Mike

Dear Austrailians

2011-08-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

Been a minute hasn't it? I'm becoming a bounty hunter. Blogging takes limited, precious time. Sorry. But I noticed today that I had 1 view from Australia. This excites me since I plan to travel there someday very soon. So in case you come back, lonely austrailian, I say to you and any of your brethren: "Oiy! Oiy you! You best bring some friends to this site or I'll bloomin' well bloomin' well ya!"

Also, I know what you mean about those fucking kiwis, mate. (that's what they call New Zealanders)

--Ninja Mike

Mr. Sanchez

2011-07-26T10:19:00.003-05:00

So philosophizing, as I often do, I began to wonder, why was a dirty sanchez named after Sanchez? I mean seriously, was there a legendary sanchez out there somewhere that had this as his signature move? Or was it just some white girls who assumed some Latino they slept with was named Sanchez?

By the way, for those of you who might not know-a dirty Sanchez is when someone licks your ass and then kisses you. Hilarious I know. It's even more fun to do it, one lovely lady that let me do it kissed me without question. We made out for like 10 minutes before she realized that my tongue had touched her butt hole not moments before. She then humorously freaked out. I don't recall but she may have made me brush... which was kinda difficult considering how much I was laughing. It's not the same when the lady doesn't freak. Then it's just mildly amusing....

Anyway, that still leaves the question, who was Sanchez and why is this move named after him? After meditating for hours about this subject, I think it may have been a slang term for pranking at some point in history. Like "Dude, you totally sanchezed me!". Not sexual to begin with. Soon pranksters became known as dirty sanchez's and then, it wasn't long before people picked up this parlance in the bedroom. It still fits. After a great sex session nothing adds romance to the moment like the simple "*sigh, you know you're pretty special to me. I don't think I've ever Sanchezed someone as much as you." And then there will be a few delicious moments where she's not sure if you're using some weird pseudonym for sex, she's not sure what to make of the "special to me" comment, and eventually the dreaded realization that you actually succeeded in sanchezing her. See? It still works.

Perhaps we will never know who Mr. Sanchez was. But I, for one, am convinced he was more than a Mr. He was a Doctor. Dr Sanchez has earned our gratitude. Pay your respects and honor Dr. Sanchez by attempting to Sanchez all of your next sexual encounters... assuming they shower of course.... ew... That goes for men, women, or whatever you could be that's in between there. Do it for Dr. Dirty Sanchez. He should be remembered... I'm pretty sure he was an ass-licking hero of some kind.

--Ninja Mike

Muslims, Christians, and bears.

2011-07-25T10:20:00.001-05:00

Good day to you my ninjlets. This was supposed to be a really awesome post about how to make some kick ass and safe smoke bombs. That's still coming but I perfected the method and the post doesn't reflect that yet. Instead, I just caught the news about the Norway incident. If you missed it, the New York Times today ran an article saying the guy actually was influenced by Anti-Muslim extremist thought, not Pro-Muslim thought like was originally thought. That seems like a lot of thoughts in that sentence.

Anyway, it brought to mind a book I read... Some nerdy predator book that takes place way in the future. Alright enough although the ending felt really rushed and a tad convoluted. Anyway, it was interesting because they talk about the christian wars a couple times in there. That, in the fiction, was pretty much the end of religion. But it came from christians who wanted to take over the world. They did awful things too and it became the Vietnam of their era. Guys came back pretty messed up. I just found it interesting because so many think the next war could be between religions, instead of countries. And indeed, with these extremists out there, it may come to pass.

While the prospect of war is never desirable, it's even less so when it comes down to beliefs. What if you're wrong? What would you have died for then? Nothing. I couldn't bet my life on someone else's beliefs like that. I don't care what the western world thinks we should believe, I don't care what middle easterns think we should believe. What I don't like is the fact that they think we should believe anything at all. It's that should that is so very dangerous.

Being Right
You ever get into a debate about something? Of course you have. Someplace somewhere, you've had a conflict. You ever get into the position where you're right? And then you get to tell the other person you're right? Did you notice that when you told them you were right, you really wanted to? There's something about being right isn't there? It's a feeling of superiority. 'I'm better than you' comes out even if it's over something inherently idiotic and meaningless, like pokemon. That's a lot of what's going on with all religions. Don't think you're better just because you're not extremist. If you think "mine is the one true way" you're just as likely to bomb a rival church as the guy who actually does it. It's only a matter of time and the right form of manipulation and you'd be there. I've said it before, we need to view religions the way we view languages. It's not wrong or right, only different. Still, we're human, and most of us don't seem able to let go of that 'being right' feeling. Don't be this person.

All that matters is the truth. In situations where there is no real truth or maybe multiple truths, just let it be. If there is a truth like "no it's not a rat, it's a mouse" try and explain and teach the person who thinks you're wrong for like 10 minutes. If they don't listen to you after that, let it go. It'll be pointless to continue and far more productive to move on.

Extremes don't last
You've been to the extremes at some point in your life. Ever pull an all nighter to pound out that homework assignment? Maybe a work assignment? What about that weekend for your friend's wedding where you drank way too much? What about your diet or exercise plan? Maybe you were all gung ho about it for a week or two. Maybe you even worked out for 6 hours yesterday or something. Could you do that every day or night? As any yo-yo dieter or pseudo fit person will tell you, no. Extremes can't last and they aren't meant to. Moderates are the only things that really last. So, if all these extremists continue, they will burn themselves out. Whether that means by killing each other or just getting tired of it doesn't matter. They won't last. To do so will be extremely taxing on everything and something will give. You might not outlast them. But pass on moderation to those who do. Extremes never last.

So, my ninjlets, never let being right get in the way of truth. Never let it stop you from being happy. And never pick up a weapon in the name of religious beliefs. Pick it up to defend yourself and your loved ones, nothing more. And then you'll never sound completely blooming idiotic like that dooms day guy who still clings to his idea of the rapture.

--Ninja Mike-I prefer and maintain an attitude of extreme moderation. What do you have to say to that zen? That's right, nothing. Zen knows, I'll kill it if it says the wrong thing. Zen is afraid of ninjas... as well it should be. We've killed philosophies before.

A glimpse into ninja talk

2011-07-01T14:59:00.001-05:00

A lot goes on behind the scenes of this cleverly disguised cartoonish visage. Many conversations and thoughts are bounced around regarding all sorts of subjects because ninjery is pervasive. We're everywhere biatch!
So here is a brief snippet of conversation between me and one of my nonja clan members. Learn from it's wisdom.

-|===>: dude... u spose there was ever a tactical team out there-trying to come up with a name and ALMOST chose Fast Action Response Team, got all the way to the jackets and realized the acronym was FART?

Nonja: i was part of that team

-|===>: Fuck, I thnk I need sleep. I'm finding that way too funny.

Nonja: team motto is "it was the dog"

--Ninja Mike

A book

2011-06-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

As a ninja learning how to fight is important. In case any of you out there are trying to learn to fight but can't afford lessons-I've been there. And I've found the best book ever to train you. Bear in mind, it's only for technique, but it's all drawn out based on rank and is the most well done technique book I've ever seen. The recommended training times are off though... and if you follow them you'll be training for 40 months. You can master the skills faster than that-but they assume you're really dumb which is good because dumb people can buy books too. It's not complete though and you'd do well to find some good drills to supplement these tactics. But I still can't argue with the book. It's amazing. Check it out for yourself.

Don't worry about if you're clueless or not. This book will take you from idiot to ninja as quickly as possible... at fighting at least. Enjoy.

Check it out on Amazon

--Ninja Mike

A new language

2011-06-24T21:04:00.001-05:00

So this post was originally going to be a long rant-ish blathering about how idiotic and illogical religions are. And though it's true, I recently saw a comedy special by Craig Ferguson-he's hilarious by the way. He says "always ask yourself, does this need to be said, does this need to be said now, and does this need to be said by me?" Do that before you speak or talk or whatever. So, I don't really feel the need to tell you how illogical it is to believe in most religious teachings. I don't need to tell you any of it, it's all been said by someone somewhere before. So instead, I'll lay on you the idea that I haven't heard before except in my own head. Because I think I do need to say that one.

Bill Maher did the movie called Relgulous. It's pretty entertaining although I was disappointed for the most part. He asked some good questions of religious figures but only got "because the Bible, Torah, etc says so." I really wanted to hear how the religious answered those questions using their own mental frameworks, but as can be expected from that type, it's easier to point to a book than to think (even from scholars, priests and folks who supposedly spend there time thinking on these things). And so they didn't answer. Anyway, at the end, Maher simply says we need to abandon all remnants of religion if we're to progress as a species.

A Bit Ranty after all
While I agree with the intent, I have to disagree with Maher. The majority of the human species are idiotically mired in ancient traditions and petty squabbles over spiritual minutiae. We're a long way away from abandoning religion and so why bother asking for that? No, I think we need to reframe the way we all look at religion. What is it that causes religious beliefs to be so derisive-Causes so much death and killing and torturing? It's that every religion says "It's the one way to get to heaven, spiritual freedom, etc." How arrogant can we be? How can any of us assume 'we're the chosen people like the Jewish do? How can we think our methods and silly traditions are the only way into heaven like the Catholics do? The god I believe in, because I do believe there is something out there, doesn't want people to be driven away from each other for their beliefs. The god I believe in wouldn't exclude any group of person just because it does things differently than the other groups. And really, like 50,000 religions out there all claiming to be right-someone is going to be wrong.

The Point, Watson...
No, to end all this suffering we have to swallow some of our resounding arrogance. We need to start viewing religions as languages. Is there a moral high ground because you speak english and someone else speaks german? No. Is there any wrong or right or 'better than' with languages? No. So what if we viewed religions the way we view languages? What do we lose? Arrogance and derisiveness. What do we gain? An easier way to bond with others, a less annoying breed of christian ('Do you want to talk about jesus?' "Sure, if I can talk about my llama god..."), the end of most wars and terrorist groups (the taliban, the IRA, etc). No, we need to get to the point where we can say, "This is what I believe, that's what they believe. Neither is wrong or right, it's just different." Until we get there, life will suck. Don't believe me? Crack a history book that isn't written by christians or whatever religion you happen to follow. We have a tendency to make our group look good, so read things outside of your group and prove me wrong. There are terrorists of every religion and flavor but we just don't hear about them. So don't think yours is the one religion exempt from this. Go out and try and remember there is no right or wrong belief except in your head. There is just belief. To believe anything else is to be spiritually and intellectually mired by your own arrogance and ego.

--Ninja Mike, would rather be out and about at this time on a friday night, but those bastards bailed on me.

A good talking to

2011-06-23T09:56:00.001-05:00

Keeping with my recent theme of being lazy on my blog, I thought I'd just share a video this time. I've wanted some sort of father figure for a long time in my life. Probably because I have daddy issues (-also ladies, I'm single!). Although a few have come around I can never bring myself to ask for them to mentor me-I end up feeling like I would just burden them. To the rescue-the internet. Apparently a coaching dvd is a huge selling product to the athletic and I'm athletci> Although I can't bring myself to actually buy it, they made a really cool promotional video that convinces me to train on the days I don't want to.

--Ninja Mike

It all gets better

2011-06-22T09:09:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, I missed yesterday didn't I? Ah well, at any rate, still catching up on work and such so instead of normal ninjery and insights, I wanted to share this article that I found through a facebook friend. It really helped, it's a lot more insightful than I am, and it'll help you too. 5 reasons life actually gets better. Just so we're clear, I'm sharing the article like I would on facebook. They aren't associated with my blog, I'm not associated with them and they don't even know it exists probably. Anyway, enjoy.

--Ninja Mike

Freedom

2011-06-20T20:37:00.001-05:00

... is what bon bons taste like. Okay, I don't really know but if you know, inform us, my clan has been curious for sometime but hasn't been able to secure any. Anyway, I actually wanted to talk about freedom, not the patriotic kind but spiritual/mental freedom.. or something like that. What I mean, is Satori or pranja or even mushin. Same thing, different words. Being a ninja, martial arts consumes much of life. An interesting thing happens though, at a certain point you cross a line. Your body knows what to do. Once you've drilled enough and attained "muscle memory" it all becomes a mental / spiritual journey.

No-mind

Truly, after that line is crossed, training becomes about learning to get "in the zone" and stay there. Because your mind will actually slow you down. With your mind comes worries, fear, insecurities, and what-if's. In combat, there is no time to bother with those. You can't worry about being hit or else, you'll get hit. No, you need to trust your body to know what it's doing, and somehow it does, so your mind can worry about the bigger strategic picture.

Not just for ninjas

Yeah yeah, ninja mike, that's all cool but why tell me? No mind helps everywhere. Talking to girls, dancing, ANYTHING physical really, giving presentations, snowboarding, surfing, free running, sky diving, even playing some video games, really any aspect of life. Do you do those things? Yes, you do. Do you want to not just be good but be great at those things? Yes, you should. With your mind comes self-consciousness. And that will kill your success an anything.

But what is it really?

So it's not so much that your body knows what it's doing... it's something else. What this is getting towards is the realization that you are not your thoughts. You are not your mind, you're something else. You're the thing behind your thoughts. That's who you are. Eckhart Tolle who wrote "the Power of now" and some other book that's also good-talks about being on a subway in NY. He noted this woman who was crazy off in the corner. She was crazy because she talked to herself incessantly. With nothing else to do, he couldn't help but listen to her on his route home. What he realized is that she was just speaking about whatever thought came to her mind and those thoughts were fairly normal. In fact the only difference between her, a lunatic, and the rest of us is that she spoke her thoughts aloud and we don't. We still have those thoughts though, even right now, what you're reading isn't the only thing on your mind is it? Maybe you're thinking of your dog, or kiwis and how that word can describe the bird or the fruit, or maybe new zealand, or traveling, or whatever.

The truth and the goal in no-mind is learning to be who you are. And not in that touchy-feely- camp counselor rapist way, but in the I am not my thoughts way. Learn to step outside of the endless stream of your thoughts and just be. You'll get to where you can just watch your thoughts go by and examine them if you want but it's never needed. And it's a fascinating phenomena.

How do we do it?

There is nothing to try to do. There is nothing to learn and nothing to achieve. Nothing to work towards. No, in fact exerting effort will make you fail. Trying to be in no mind is like wanting to see the darkness better so you turn on a light. No it's like relaxing. If you think "I have to relax" you won't. It's just "relax". Here's my own experience of it. During combat, my enemy is trying to hurt me. There are fists flying at me and legs and knees and elbows. Any of which will cause a lot of pain. During this, it's like there is a rope latched to a really heavy boulder that is hanging over a cliff. I'm hanging onto the rope while trying to fight. And guess what, I can't do both. So I have to let go. My body knows what to do and it's astonishing. In the fight, your body will move faster than you can even process. Your thinking mind will catch up and be amazed that it happened as it plays back the events to itself.

For some reason the imagery of hanging above darkness from a rope helps me. You have to let go and fall. I don't know why but it works for me. The freedom is in the fall. And in that freedom you feel alive. You know how to do it already, Let Go, your thoughts are still there but without worrying about your body and how to move to stay safe, your mind can focus on tactics. How he favors his right side, how one of his moves isn't polished enough to be a danger, how he drops his guard after an uppercut. No Mind is the difference between good and great dancers. Ever see someone try to dance who doesn't know how. They are too worried about what other people will think, how they look, what is going through everyone else's mind, what's going through their own mind-that's too many minds. No-Mind.

--Ninja Mike

Done being mopey

2011-06-19T21:48:00.000-05:00

I've always liked the attitude old natives used to take. I've been told that it was customary to take four days to grieve hardcore-where nothing is expected of you and you don't have to do anything. After that though, you need to get back to your life-even if it might (and definitely will) be hard. Otherwise, life will give you something else to cry about. I like that mindset and although I'm not anywhere near over The Ninja, I'm done being sad about it... at least publicly. And I need to get back to my life. :)

Unfortunately I'm not too creative right now and I'm also a bit sad about father's day-My da died when i was young and it's messed with me. Hear that ladies? Daddy issues-because of stereotypes, you know I'm easy.... :P Anyway, Annah over at http://www.whenredmeansgo.com/ wrote a great post about her dad. I want you to go and read it, because it's really a beautiful story. So Go there now and come back here tomorrow for something ninja-ey.

--Ninja Mike, secretly hoping I can have my own story just like that, my own nerd girl and hoping/praying my nerd girl is The Ninja.

Not so daily...

2011-06-16T11:49:00.002-05:00

So right when I get into doing this blog daily I discover that I let the girl who is my one walk out of my life. And I never expected her to wait, you know? It was just a sort of... maybe a few years down the road if we don't have anyone else. But that's not really what it was. That's what I thought. Get my wild streak out and find my Ninja again. My Jess. That's what was in my head. But she's not mine anymore. No, in fact she moved on from me awhile ago. And what shocks and hurts me is that I didn't see it coming. I miss her-I knew I would but I didn't think I would be this torn up over it. That she was my one-I didn't think I would feel like this. That I'm not her one-that killed. I knew we were growing apart-or rather she was moving on from me.... but I thought maybe... we could work out. I thought we could find each other again-I thought we could start a family. I wanted to have kids with her, and be each other's again.

But now that entire life is shattered and I can't put the pieces back together. Nothing I can do can change anything about this situation. I want to move closer to her, but she already told me not to. It won't help. So now, I guess I can start dating again and maybe get to be dating 5 women at once like I always wanted... It's such a hollow goal now. But whatever. Anyway, bottom line, for this weekend at least-I'm unsure about daily blogging. I've been told the quickest way to get over someone is to start dating others. It's what she's doing-one of her exes with a history and what not. And it's not serious yet but it seems to be heading that way. Not me. Not now. So I'm going to start dating again. Meeting one girl today, one on saturday and meeting an ex-turned-friend on Monday. At least I'll get a lot of coffee. And hopefully some fun conversations.

--Ninja Mike

Loss

2011-06-15T16:15:00.000-05:00

It's interesting to note, break ups aren't so different from death. I'm going through a rough one as you might know. It's not fun. This post isn't really for you, dear reader, no this post is for me. I want to know how I deal with this and try to learn from it. Everyone takes the grieving process differently. It doesn't really matter how I handle it nor does it matter to have a record of it, but it keeps my mind off of her so I write and think and analyze because to analyze means I can escape. To think about my life and what I'm feeling takes it away. You can't dissect a live frog and so this is therapeutic.

There are five stages of grief according to wikipedia. Grievers will go through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not sure where I am anymore. I remember denial pretty strongly and was there earlier today. Hit bargaining pretty hard also when I called and desperately tried anything I could think of to make it work. No takers, I'm not her one and I'll never be again. I offered to move there and she told me not to. At least, she's got balls enough to not string me along and tell me what I want to hear. I tell you, there is a definitive reason why I'm so hung up on her. She's very close to perfect for me.

Now I almost feel like I'm curbing around to acceptance. And all this would be great but they don't go in order. Oh, no if I was at acceptance and they ran in order I'd be happier. But everyone grieves differently so apparently I go denial and bargaining hand in hand and jump to acceptance quickly after that. Not looking forward to Depression, but I don't think I'll be angry... at least not at her. No this was all my fault and I know that. So any anger will be facing inwards.

It's all my fault-as any relationship is-but this more so than my past ones. She's not crazy, or immature, or fat or ugly or anything. Nothing wrong with her. But still I got bored. And when I got bored I sought out reasons. Read a book, and let that influence me. I don't know what I think of relationships and love and all that right now. I think there is a one out there. A perfect one or (hoping to... my llama god) a perfect few for everyone. She says she's not my one, I disagree but the only definite: I'm not her one. And that's where I am. And that's why this hurts me so deeply. Wish I was.

Wish I would've played it out differently-told her how I felt. I have trouble letting people in my head and she told me that plenty. But now it doesn't matter. And so.... I leave you as I seem to be coming onto depression.... fun times... or maybe anger. Idk anymore, analyzing isn't helping keep the feelings away now. But at least maybe you can use this for yourself. Analyze whatever hurts to escape it-even if it is just for a moment.

--Ninja Mike, doesn't want to hurt anymore. Not to acceptance yet though, I can hear some more bargaining coming to bear because of some random innocuous thing she said. This sucks.

Something Crazy

2011-06-14T12:39:00.000-05:00

Ya know, My Ninja is really into romance and believes in the One for everyone and all that junk. She's starting to convince me so I'm considering following her-she moved a long ways away. But I'm afraid of losing her-I was envisioning a life together with her-but that's shattered now. I can't put it back together without her. What do you guys think? Crazy pipe dream or a cute romantic move? Of course, I'll run this by her.... soon. But I think it's what she wants me to do.... Or I'm in the denial phase of this break up-could be either....

Spike in the heart

2011-06-13T14:51:00.000-05:00

In keeping with my promise for daily blogging: Told the Ninja I thought she might be the one. That doesn't mean I move there for her-not yet at least-nothing really changes, but she doesn't feel the same. And even though I prepared for that mentally-it actually hurts much more than I thought it would so this is all I have to post today. Time to throw myself into some kind of unhealthy habit until I forget about her. Thinking maybe alcohol-but no too stereotypical being a Native American....

--Ninja Mike, considering becoming a work-aholic or a sex addict. Suggestions?

Makes my inner Girl tingle

2011-06-12T12:58:00.002-05:00

Hey kids, as you might've noticed, I've gotten a lot more productive lately. Probably because of yesterday's post, but this week has been a test to see if I could keep posting here DAILY. I can. So it's a thing now. Enjoy or leave. Your call. But this place has now become a true-daily ninja tip thing.

As god supposedly rested on the 7th day-so too must this ninja... not really but I'm running out of ideas and need time and I take every chance I can to liken myself to god (not the one true llama god or llod mind you! lol). So here... I love Lady Gaga. Totally will sleep with her someday!!! :) Yes she's weird, yes-I'll probably be hurt during this lovemaking, but it'll happen. This is one of her newer songs and like the title says-it makes my inner girl tingle. I secretly hope this is how My Ninja will feel about me someday... Really neat cuz of these two lines: "something about my cool Nebraska guy" and "Been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm back in town and this time I'm not leaving without you."

I just so happen to live in nebraska right now! I secretly hope my ninja thinks of me when she hears this. Someday right? :) Lol, then I feel girly cuz it should be me going after her, but Lady Gaga is a lady and she's singing... so it makes me tingle and confuses me. How many songs have done that to you lately?

--Ninja Mike, wondering if Lady Gaga will like my girlyness... meh, either way The Ninja does :)

Get shit done, like a Ninja

2011-06-11T13:11:00.012-05:00

If you're a ninja, you might have trouble focusing or keeping sharp with all that is demanded of you. Indeed it's a hard life. How much the more so if you're not a ninja? So for everyone's sake-ninja or nonja, this post is created. How to be effective. How to get things done. How to do your damn homework/actual job work/or start and keep a business.

The Effective Executive
I'm reading Peter Drucker's book by the title above. It's actually helping a lot. So unless I say otherwise, this clever tip I'm about to lay on you is coming from that source.

The Problem
Maybe you can't stay motivated. Maybe you're undisciplined. Maybe you just can't stay focused. Maybe you're lazy, play too many video games, watch too much tv, watch too much netflix, or just lay around too much. Maybe you spend too much time doing something pointless when you know you should be doing homework. Bottom line: the work you need to do isn't getting done.

Cause
It's probably not motivation or anything else. You can be the most motivated person in the world who never accomplishes anything because everybody is motivated. You can have all the discipline in the world but do nothing with it. Discipline is the result, not the cause for success. No the real problem, for me at least, comes down to what you do with your time. Most of it comes down to habits. We're creatures of habit. The most thrill seeking/ADD person you'll ever meet is no different. We do roughly the same things the same way at the same times. "You don't rise up to the moment, you fall back to your training." So any of the problems you have for not doing work probably comes down to bad habits (Can't remember where I got the habits bit from but it wasn't out of Effective Executive).

Solution
Start figuring out where your time goes. This is straight out of the cited book. Keep obsessive track of everything you do and for how long. Don't do it from memory, do it as it's happening if possible. Drucker recommends doing this during the work day. As a ninja, my work doesn't occur between 9-5 or any other schedule so I've taken to carrying a voice recorder that I speak into with a time for anything I'm doing. Do this for a week or two. Then plot it out and see where you're spending the most time and ask whether or not it's pointless. The best metric: Ask "what would happen if I didn't do this?". Cut out what you don't need and let others do it if possible. Then focus on the few things that really do come down to you. IE-if you're the sole proprietor of your computer repair business, you need to narrow down and focus on fixing computers. Let others handle as much as they can.

Finally, group together as much time as you can for the big issues. The schedule example I liked was from the president of some company. He organized his Monday and Friday for all the BS that the president has to be there for. The meetings, the performance reviews, the miscellaneous talks with whoever needed him. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday afternoon were left open for the miscellaneous needs that came his way during the week. But Tue, Wed, and Thurs mornings were kept for his work. The big projects. That's when he thought about the direction of the company, the markets they held and where they would focus. Each problem was dealt with in 1.5 hour chunks. That's the way it has to be for the big tasks. The big ones take a lot of uninterrupted focus and time. So get that done.

Get into the habit of tracking your time. Or better, find a way to test if you're doing it-then you don't have to become an obsessive compulsive person who speaks into a voice recorder over everything for the rest of your life. One example from the book was keeping two lists of tasks that need to be done, complete with deadlines. One list is urgent things and the other is unpleasant things. Once you start missing deadlines on either, you know you have to start time tracking again and cutting out the inessentials.

Solution part 2
It's not enough to manage your time though. You need to start building habits into your life. A not-to-do list is ~~just as~~ FAR more important than a to do list. We waste time. Keeping your time log just shows you how you're wasting time (much like a budget just shows how you wasted money, which, by the way, doesn't work to save money either). The next part is to stop. Setting your schedule like the one President above is a good start but it's not the end. So start figuring out what has to happen for you to feel accomplished everyday. It's good to have 1 or 2 things that make you feel productive for the day-to-day (these will, of course, be different each day). Then, when you do them, think "Victory". We're not that different from animals. If you start rewarding yourself mentally over small things, it'll help you want to do it more and more. Classical conditioning works on everyone. And it works mentally too.

To do big things, start small. At the start of my ninja training, our team (The triple zeros-we were the first group/guinea pigs) had to do 1000 push-ups per person per week. Everyone had to do it. If one missed, it was torture for all on the next week. But you sure as hell can't do 1000 all at once so we had to set ourselves into habit. 200/day. But even that's hard to stick to, so we did 25 randomly throughout the day 8 times. And after each one, we thought "Victory". At the end of the day it was cool to say "I did 200 pushups today" and way cooler to say "I just did 1000 push ups this week". Set things up so you can win. And then you'll want to do it more. Ever done 200 pushups? It's hard as hell. But breaking it up to 8 sets of 25 throughout the day made it easy. Our muscles got the breaks that they needed and we still accomplished the requirement.

That's how you build habits and that's how you accomplish greatness. As it was taught to me, so it is taught to you. Now, get it done!

--Ninja Mike-so effective, I'm STILL playing tons of video games and watching tons of netflix- and getting everything else done. Beat that-nonja.

Bed Bugs-Kill Them All

2011-06-10T13:32:00.005-05:00

Okay, so my Ninja lived on the 2nd floor of a house and on the first floor were other renters. These other renters brought bed bugs with them. They were evicted immediately for numerous reasons-bed bugs being one. But that left the bugs which are notoriously hard to get rid of. Time to call in the ninjas. Since my ninja is already a ninja, she just called herself and got the situation handled pretty quickly. Her roommate is an idiot and failed to do the basic steps needed to kill them and I hope she took the bed bugs back to her parent's house with her. Indirectly because of the roommate's failure I was exposed when I helped my Ninja move. I happened across a live bed bug the other day in my kitchen. Now on red alert mode, only the most determined invasion will work from these bastards. Here's a good way to prevent yourself from getting them. Because you don't know your neighbors and you don't know the people in the hotel room before you.

Even if you're clean, you could still end up with this disaster like my ex did, so here's a three prong ninja attack to keep yourself bed bug free.

Prong 1-Cut off their food source
If the little bastards can't eat, they die. Go out to Ace hardware or something similar and buy "Diatomaceous Earth". I used Safer Brand Ant and Crawling Insect Killer-you probably won't find D-Earth by itself fyi. Chemical people are smart and they list the active ingredients on the front of pesticides. Guess what the main one is: Diatomaceous earth. What it does is ruins the lipid coating on an insect's body. That coating helps their body stay sealed, once broken the liquids in their body rush out because liquids/temperatures/energies/etc go from areas of high concentration to areas of low concentration. The outside world has a lower liquid concentration than what is inside their body so, once the lipid layer is gone, they effectively get dried out and die. To make this effective, get little lids and fill each with a heap of the D-Earth. Place each lid under each of your bed posts and move the entire bed away from any walls. Make it so the only vectors to get to you during the night are by going through the D-Earth or an air assault-which bed bugs haven't figured out yet. They either starve or they kill themselves. Not too shabby. In case they are already in the bed(very likely), powder the hell out of the box spring and underside of the mattress. One way or the other, they'll get some of the D-Earth.

SAFETY CONCERNS: in case you're an idiot, don't breath the D-Earth. It's fine enough it makes it to your lungs where it does serious damage because they are sharp little bits of material. You'll rip your lungs to shreds by breathing some of it. Also don't let fido get to sniffing any of this. His lungs are much smaller...

Prong 2-Get them even if they go to grounds
It's not enough to clear your bed. If you have pets they still have a food source. You have to clear the whole house so rip through anything that can be moved with a vacuum. Vacuum the couch, all carpets, and any other cloth things that can't be washed. Then, to avoid reinfesting yourself, toss or empty your vac bag in the dumpster.

Prong 3-Destroy their homes
Piles of clothes are a favorite breeding ground for the bastards and it's how they spread. So burn through all your clothes and bed materials by tossing them in the washer then drying on HIGH as possible heat-I don't care what the care tag says, you either toss it in the dumpster or ruin a few dry clean only clothes by drying them. After clean, get them into trash bags to prevent re-infesting. Heat kills the fuckers if they can't escape it so run every last article of clothing through the drier, even if you just washed them that day. And the trash bags prevent the bugs from getting back in because they can't pierce the plastic barrier a bag creates.

ONLY PREVENTATIVE MEASURES
This advice is sorta like keeping hackers out of your computer. Use security software to clean up the mess and it keeps you safe for awhile but if someone is specifically focused in on you, they can get everything they want with enough patience. Same thing here, this is for a single bug sighting or two. If you suspect a full blown infestation-and you'll know, you need to inform your landlord and get a professional exterminator along with this three prong attack.

--Ninja Mike, prepping a mini HAVOC nuke for the next bed bug sighting.

Octopuses kinda Scare Me

2011-06-09T13:41:00.011-05:00

So, I date and although the Ninja has left and I'm taking a break on dating and all-I still have a system in place to meet women. And this system works well enough that even when I don't want women, they still show up. So the system brought me a lady-tad chubby-but incredibly entertaining so definitely at least friend, and maybe even a drunken feel-me-up partner or something. During our first meeting, she dropped a few revelatory bombs on me but this was probably the coolest.

Octopuses are fucking smart
She lived in Florida and went to some zoo and saw an octopus tank. One octopus was quarantined off in his own glass tank. She asked why? Then the zookeeper related the tale of this troubled octopus.

Apparently, this squishy mass of tentacles and suction cups gets bored. And when he gets bored, he starts to look for entertainment. To begin with, his first form of entertainment was climbing up to the top of the tank and forming a sniper perch. Then he would shoot jets of water at random zoo goers. He liked the reactions he got from hitting people with water jets. But then, he started targeting people with nicer clothing, why? Because they gave a bigger reaction. This squishy bastard learned how to recognize NICE clothing on a completely different species-to achieve his end-enjoying a hilarious reaction to his jet of water. The fact that this squishy fuck has a sense of humor alone is astounding. But it doesn't stop there.

The fact that he targeted nicely dressed people meant that they were much more likely to complain to the zoo staff about "damn kids with water guns". So he started attracting attention to the area. Of course, at night, he was still bored but had no one to shoot so he began targeting a light socket. This caused the electrical system to short out in the area which attracted a lot more attention.

Eventually, the zookeepers took to staying there in shifts and watching constantly until finally, they saw the squishy bastard shooting the light outlet and the mystery was solved. So, solitary confinement for the squishy.

Cubes
To keep him entertained, they started giving him toddler toys. He enjoyed them, would figure out how they work, and then toss them over his head behind him once all the mysteries had been sussed out. They then decided to give him a rubix cube which bored him until they showed him that it turned. Fascinated, he began playing with it. He started dismantling it, and the zookeepers went home thinking he would at least be kept busy for the night.

Upon returning, he had completely dismantled the rubix cube and then reassembled it entirely-ignoring colors (that would just be ridiculous)-and had begun reassembling all the rocks in his tank into cube shapes. Fucking ridiculous right?

Scary
Okay, so that scares the shit out of me because that bastard learned a fucking lot. What happens down under the ocean if all these bastards are learning like that? They have the capacity, so it just comes down to being challenged and entertained enough to develop that. Their suckers are very strong and easily capable of pulling off our skin. And they are squishy, the only hard part of their body is the beak mouth. In fact, apparently they can fit through any space as long as their beak can make it. What happens if they decide they don't like humans? Scary.

--Ninja Mike, prepping for the inevitable xenocidal war against the octopi.... and wondering if octopi is actually the plural form of octopus.

My cousin

2011-06-08T01:39:00.001-05:00

Our First Weiner Cuz Shake,
Documented by my ninja

So, life is always punctuated by moments of joy and sorrow. Smart people focus on the joy, idiots don't. While life isn't great at the moment, a moment of joy has happened. I now have a Cock Cousin.... Originally known as a Weiner Cousin from Scrubs-season 8, the episode named "my cuz". You do need to know what scrubs is or just un-follow yourself now. I will have nothing to do with you. Ever since I saw that episode, I've longed for my own weiner cousin. And finally, I found him.

My Cuz
What this means is that my Cock Cousin and I have had sex with the same woman. Most men are idiotically douchey and would get jealous over something like this. Not yours truly-I'm a fucking ninja, bitch.

My Ninja
Those of you that have been following for a bit know that my Ninja is the lovely woman who is able to match me in enough ways that we'll be friends forever and could even be soul mates. The only problem is that I don't think sexual monogamy works really anymore-which she's actually cool with. We'll have three ways and such eventually but SHE MOVED. Across the country moved. Sad day. But anyway, she's our "bond that can't be broken". It's brilliant.

The Intel
My buddy.... let's call him Ned is a virgin. And 22. Late bloomer and it's getting harder and harder for him to lose it. Me and my Ninja were talking and decided if it came to it, she would take his virginity. Ned went off and found an ugly whore (do note, I like whores and think you need to keep doing what you're doing as long as you're pretty) who was a terrible first girlfriend for Ned and he failed to lose his virginity. Broken self-esteem and torn up views of relationships abound, we broke the plan to him. He agreed because, let's be honest here, I have impeccable taste in women and the Ninja is no exception.

So, on the last night she was here, we invited Ned into the bedroom. To transition-I suggested a two man massage for the Ninja- which she loved and allowed me to teach Ned some kick ass massage techniques. I then left those two kids to have their fun. She took it and apparently-he was pretty good for a first timer. She had a small orgasm.

After some conversation it was my turn and Ned left. We had amazing goodbye sex. She normally bites me hard enough to leave a mark on my chest-this time she left 6 bite marks. It was the best sex ever. And I think Ned helped to prime her for an amazing orgasm.

Aftermath
I was slightly worried I would hate Ned for this. But after, I couldn't be happier. Also, I think I found a great transition into threeways-the 2 on 1 massage kicks ass, right? Hell even without sex, I think it could feel amazing-the Ninja sure liked it. Anyway I got my Weiner Cousin. And then had amazing sex. The bond that can't be broken has been formed with my best friend ever, Ned and although she's across the country I know we'll all three always be friends. No matter what. The how remains to be seen but that's the fun in life right?

--Ninja Mike, newly Cock Cousined to Ned (not actually Ned's name) and missing my Ninja.

Jesusaurus

2011-05-25T14:58:00.000-05:00

Hey, so I know I'm supposed to be talking about my wild dating life of trying to date 5 women at the same time. Well, financially I'm screwed at the moment and just focusing on getting that handled-It's something I have to do before I think about women again. When my business takes off, I'll worry about women.

Until then life has come down to ninja training and work. Apparently without women (aside from The Ninja, of course) in my life, my free time is consumed by religion. And thanks to pandora.com's new comedy channel here's this new line of thinking that I came up with all on my own-inspired by some random comic.

Dinosaurs
So one comic said something like "if we, humans, are created in god's likeness who created the dinosaurs?"

Pretty cool thought. I was turning it over in my head and I took it further with my own questions. Was there ever a Jesusaurus? What if 'dinosaur' was a phase in our Deity's... life(?)? I sure as hell had a dinosaur phase and I'm supposed to be created in his/her likeness. Then what if the dinosaurs just ROYALLY fucked up on a hugely epic scale? So god was done with dinosaurs and moved onto humans. "Claws and scary coolness didn't work out, I'll make the wimpiest creatures ever... but I'll give them THUMBS!"

Then of course, I thought of the fucking idiot religious tards that teach "fossils were left here to test our faith." No... with this line of thinking they were left here as a warning. god is saying "bitch, believe in me or you're the next me-damn fossils."

That is a deity I can believe in.

--Ninja Mike

Rappelling for chicks

2011-05-24T14:16:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, I just had to share with you all... Ages ago I did a post about how to rappel with only a rope. Read it here. For whatever reason, apparently that's a critically important skill that gets googled all the time. It's one of my more popular posts.

Today however, I was amused to find the last google search that lead someone to that post. Someone searched for "Does rappelling impress girls". So, to answer this implied question, yes rappelling impresses girls. But rappelling with ONLY a rope is like 20 times more impressive. Like panties off, girl just made a puddle level of action.

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to say again that in no way can I be held responsible for any injuries / deaths your dumb ass WILL incur if you try to rappel with only a rope. You need to have an expert there to make sure everything goes right. Failing that, you shouldn't do this.

But if you get that expert, you will have more girls interested than you know what to do with. Totally panties off action right there.

End times... sorta

2011-05-23T18:44:00.000-05:00

So, this whole rapture bull shit got me thinking about where our race is heading. I don't imagine it'll be anywhere pretty, but it did bring back a belief introduced to me by my old world civ prof-meister. This is a belief that I'm not entirely sure about just yet, but one that should be shared anyway-like a good poem or a hilarious youtube video. For your consideration:

Maslow and his dirty pyramid
My old profmeister was into Maslow and his hierarchy of needs. If you're too lazy to click and haven't heard of it before, basically, every human is somewhere on this pyramid (you'll have to click the link to see it). It starts with basic needs, food shelter and water. Only when those basic needs are met, can the human progress to the next level of needs. At the top is Self-Actualization and this is where Maslow thought we should be-where we all have the potential to be. Basically, if you're self-actualized, you're Neo from the matrix.... or just enlightened I suppose is more realistic. Okay, that's part 1 of this.

Time repeats itself
Yeah, not really history per se although that does repeat. Basically, every 2000 years humanity is due for a worldwide revolution. It's not so much that the world ends, it's more like the world 'as we know it' ends and a new one begins. The last one was back at 0BC with the advent of Jesus and all the horrors that religion brought us. So, we're danger close to a new one. TS Eliot had a theory around this, that time loops and that similar things happen at the corresponding parts of the loop-think like a spring-(top of one loop means the same thing as the top of the next loop, etc) but of course, these occur against the backdrop of time so the loop is always progressing-otherwise it would just be a circle. A couple other literary figures believe similarly but I really can't be troubled to remember them at present.

Revolutions are deadly
Have to break an egg to make an omelet. These worldwide revolutions are said to kill off 2/3rds of the world's population. That's a lot of eggs. The only 1/3rd that will survive will be Self-Actualized. It comes down to self-actualize or die but it's not any person demanding this. It's the world/environment/surroundings. The only way to survive is to get enlightened. Post-revolution, a new tier is stacked on to Maslow's Dirty Pyramid and the loop repeats. Same shit different day. Of course, no one can say what that new tier will be until it comes-it's like explaining that you're a more complicated life form than a cockroach, to the cockroach.

Supporting crazies
There's no end to the 2012 nuts out there, but some of them hold some compelling arguments if you can stomach wading through the crazies. Of course the Mayans predicted something to this effect-I THINK but I may be mistaken, all I know for sure is their calendar ends in 2012 and that the reasoning behind the ending in 2012 is for the most part inexplicable.

Interestingly, Catholics have an array of beliefs around this-according to my crazy cat lady, catholic of a mom, there's some event that will happen danger close-in her lifetime (predicted by the kids at medjugorje who are her age). This event will hold enough power to convert even atheists to believe in the deity (I refuse to believe in the catholic conception of god so much so that I tend to avoid his name when possible). And then we find a turning point. If enough people clean up their act and start believing (I think, become self-actualized) then there will be peace. But if that critical mass isn't hit, then we find ourselves in the chastisement that will kill off 2/3rd's of the world's population. The actual prophecy says that all the world's water will dry up and people will kill each other over thirst.

My take
Different words same bottom line? I can't say but interesting nonetheless right? I brought this up to my Ninja Jess and she had the exact same reaction I did. We're heading toward Chastisement if the Catholics end up being right. Because honestly, something like 40% of our fucking retarded american race still believes Obama isn't a US citizen (which seriously, to even be considered as president you have to be a NATURAL BORN US CITIZEN as demanded by our constitution). Tons of good people are killed for differing sexualities because "the bible demands it" or "Quran demands it". These are words written by humans and are just as susceptible to corruption as anything else. Too many actions are taken for beliefs that I refuse to believe are what our deity wants. And jesus, don't even get me started on Mormonism and Scientology (both founded by convicted CON-ARTISTS).

As humanity has clearly demonstrated, there is so much room for misinterpreting what I believe to be our deity's will is and so many ways for our humanity to corrupt anything that deity might ever try to teach us, that easily 2/3rds of us will have to die off. If all it ends up being true, I think 2/3rds dying is getting off very light.

--Ninja Mike