Our first step will be to talk. He is incredibly gifted at asking the right questions to determine and hone in on target market: "what i do" and "who I do it for."

I am excited. 

I am also starting the program to get certified in Energy Psychology, and that's another thing I've been wanting to do for a while.

I have missed my practice. I have missed working with people – adults and babies – to help them become more of who they want to be. To help them find peace and joy where before it was blocked by emotional stress or trauma that originated very very early.

I have always heard the phrase, "Do what you love and the money will follow" and felt it was lacking in reality based action. Part of what I'm learning is the other side of "what I love" is the business side…how to market, present myself, take care of the books. Opening myself up from a solid place of feeling good in my life, with encouragement, acceptance and support, surrounded by love, I find myself attracting just what I need. Little things, like the IRS recalculating my taxes and sending 90% of my payment back to me, the long distance phone company I used 5 years ago contacting me at my ex husbands place to say I have $200 to claim in over payments, plus the big things: the resources to fund my work with Dawud and my certification program….it's all opening up.

Connecting to my heart is key. From there I can tune in better to what steps are next for me. I can feel acceptance and joy with what is: My current job at the Humane Society is great, and I'm enjoying it, living in Wenatchee is acceptable, the friends I have are wonderful and supportive.

The last two years have been a journey to re-connect with my heart. To again open up to what the Universe has to offer and what I am capable of, and what life has in store for me.

I'm open.

Bring it on!

What an unsupportive thing to hear at a time when a woman is very vulnerable!  

This woman did end up having a C-section, and continuing physical issues vaginally for the next 5 years, including two more C-section babies. I don't for a minute believe that "it's her fault" or that it could have been different. But she does blame herself.

I believe that how we feel about birth and during labor is not as in our control as we'd like to think. There are so many factors that can play into the outcome.

Those factors may be related to very early patterns that originate at your own birth, are inherited ancestrally, or are mirrors of your own mother's experience…or something completely different that in your body manifested as tightening your vaginal area. Birth may have triggered those unconscious patterns – I wouldn't call it a "fear" because that implies it was conscious and something you could have "managed". I don't believe someone can manage that which is still dormant in our psyche. How can you if it's birth that triggers it? 

There may also be somatic – body based, but of a psychological nature – and emotional issues that haven't been dealt with….and layers of whatever feelings you've had about each birth, what was expected, your sexual life, etc…it can build up over a lifetime.

If you are scared of giving birth, feeling like if something "bad" happens it will be your fault, remember to try and find what feels most resourcing for you. Surround yourself with supportive people, talk about what you're afraid of to those who will not try and talk you out of it, or discount your feelings. If you're drawn to, find a practitioner that specializes in prenatal and birth issues.

If you are someone who's had a difficult or unexpected birth outcome, and want to explore deeper reasons as an opportunity for growth, it might be helpful to begin teasing apart the threads, start with the thoughts and feelings that are most alive – say, for instance, anger at being made to feel "guilt" about your birth and blaming yourself, or regret that your birth didn't go as you'd hoped/planned….get support for those pieces and perhaps it will be easier to think about the deeper levels and become more aware of what's needed.

Most importantly, stop blaming yourself!

What we usually think of is the bonding that happens between mom and baby, the "falling in love" you hear about. We might also think about the bathing, weighing, cleaning up of the newborn. Perhaps the first feeding. And that's all not even mentioning anything out of the range of a "normal, healthy" birth.

Now lets look at it from a different point of view with all that's happening:

A baby's brain is totally set up to look at a human face immediately after birth. It's wired to do so. When mom and baby's gaze meets, there is brain activity going a full speed in both of their right hemisphere of the brain. It's organizing itself and growing the neurons and synapses needed to regulate emotions, read social cues, learn to trust. All right there in the moments after birth. Mom's brain is growing too, she developing neurons and synapses that provide her with the ability to learn her baby's cues, to protect and nurture, to want to comfort and soothe. And Dad's neurology is also changing. He bonds with a baby as well and the internal structure of his brain and his neurological system changes and grows to include protector and nurturer of both mom and baby.

What happens when the ideal birth doesn't happen?

Have you ever been in a situation where you were really scared or angry?  Let's say you got in minor car accident that wasn't your fault. Pretty scary, and maybe you're pissed off at the person who's fault it was. Your brain is going to be in a state of defense. Prepared to argue or fight, (or if he turns out to be dangerous, to flee!) Your body might be in a state of shock, recovering from impact and your belief for a few seconds that you might not be physically okay.

When in this state, your brain reverts to the reptilian or instinctual brain. You'll be operating from the "fight or flight" instincts: Being alert, prepared for defense, all the blood rushing to your large muscle groups and away from your brain and vital organs so you can deal with the threat. It makes it hard to feel safe and to think, but very easy to act.

Another example. How about a fight with a loved one. The same systems are activated because our reptilian brain only repsonds to what the physical body tells it. In emotional distress, your body releases the same chemicals that indicate threat. It doesn't matter if it's real or percieved, your brain will be taking over as if it's REAL.  When this is happening in your system, it's virtually impossilble to be open, trusting, growthful and close. You must calm down, soothe those chemicals and release them and THEN you'll be able to think and be close again.

That's a lot of explanation for what I'm about to say.

At birth, if a baby is experiencing fear, distress, stress, or anger – either his/her own feelings or those of his mother during the birth experience – then he's going to start life with surging stress chemicals, in a state of defense.

It makes it VERY hard to bond and grow that right hemisphere in those crucial moments after birth.

It can inhibit mom and baby's attachment and bond because both of their brains might be in such a state as to limit their connection in those first minutes.

It may result in difficultly latching on to the breast, difficulting sleeping, highly anxious baby, a baby that cries a lot, a mom that has fewer internal mechanisms to cope with the high-stress baby, lots of anger and frustration on both their parts and thus can begin a cycle that can spin into a pattern of relating to each other that can last a lifetime.

What happens at birth can affect the moments immediately after, which can impact the relationship you have.

It is possible to identify and heal those first moments if you feel you didn't get them. Bonding and attachment can happen at any time, and working with the infant and the mother on re-establishing the connection is possible, and vital. 

Talk Back:

What happened at your birth, or at the birth of your baby that you wish you could change, if anything? If nothing, what about it provides you with good memories?

I grew up in a family that didn't fight. Well, other than my sister who fought and yelled and tantrumed well into her 20's….but my parents never fought.

They negotiated, discussed, debated, if they argued it wasn't in front of me. I don't know if they were ever really angry with each other. The most would be amusingly irritated with one another. Mostly I remember them being a solid, unified and reasonable foundation that I could fall into when I was upset.

I also never learned how to be angry, or what to do when I was. As an adult I learned how to handle my anger in therapy, how to "get my feelings out" and then talk about them reasonably with whoever I was in conflict with. I learned how to use "I" statements to avoid blaming, to stay with how I was feeling and not point my finger…I learned to own my own mistakes and blunders, etc…but I never had the opportunity to practice those skills then.

Generally, it takes a lot to get me angry. I find it pretty easy to be detached from other's reactions, to be able to stand and witness the anger of others without getting caught in the drama. (Another result of all the therapy.)

Until I met my ex. With my ex – the most recent one – I became volatile, often. This was a new side of me. I learned to become familiar with an out of control yelling, screaming, blaming, calling names person that I never knew was in me. This was not good. I was stressed and felt awful.

Before I left him however, I had found a way to react to him in a more balanced and healthy way – being angry without blame, etc…and learned to see my anger as a good thing. A message – something to pay attention to. "If he's doing something that I feel THIS angry about, I need to stop and pay attention!"

Now, taking these two extremes of my experience I've come to the conclusion (which may still evolve) that fighting can be a good thing, and can feel good to express and "have it out" when needed, but that fighting fair is really important. It's different from calmly stating you're angry – which also has a place I'm sure. But BEING angry is different from talking about it.

To be able to hold that high level of emotion, as your system is flooded with stress chemicals and the fight or flight response (making it really hard to think) and still be aware enough to keep yourself from blaming, calling names, criticizing, etc…but staying with your own experience, is not an easy thing. I don't think the average person can do it well. But if I'm going to be okay with having a fight, it's a must.

Also, I think it's good to have a strong enough sense of self to stand tall when someone else fights dirty, and to not get sucked in to it, or take it personally. To be able to see it as their issue, not about you. Also not easy (but one I'm pretty good at with all the practice I had from my ex).

So, I'm asking about your own personal experience with anger…and with fighting.
What was anger like in your family growing up? What have you learned, and/or how to you handle anger and fighting now? Is it different? The same?

It seems things are coming together for me: my practice, making friends, and now the latest is a better, more reliable car. Last summer, when my mom's broken leg had healed and she began using her car again it became clear I needed one of my own but I didn't yet have an income. So I borrowed from my mom's savings in order to purchase the first decent running rig I could find at an inexpensive price – that would fit my large pup and Sidra and her friends etc…I found and got a great deal on a 1992 Previa van.

And it uses a lot of fuel! A week ago I started seriously thinking about getting a scooter. My former brother in law was great in helping me think through this, and ultimately asked if I couldn't get a small car loan – he thought I should sell the Previa before something expensive happens to it and get something smaller and more economical.

Well, I guess I had it in my mind that I would always be stuck with a piece of junk car. Who would buy a 1992 Previa getting 15 mpg in the city???  Selling that thing would be the hardest part, and something I wanted to avoid. I have never liked selling cars. I don't like buying them either. I always feel like I'm going to get scammed – I'm pretty trusting and naive sometimes!

At my part-time job Monday morning, my boss asked, "What would it take for you to come in to work a split shift tonight?"  Jokingly, I said, "Well, you could buy my van…"  And you know what? He didn't laugh! He and his wife LOVE the older cars and have been looking for a PREVIA.

The dealership located a few miles away has just the car I want (better than the one I thought I'd get) for Kelly Blue Book price, and now I'm just waiting to hear if I can get financing for it.

So, I'm tight with cash right now…things are not happening as fast as I wanted them to in the attracting clients department, but bit by bit I'm making connections and getting my name known in ever-widening circles. But the way things are going I think my place in this town is forming. I think I won't have a problem.

Last year, I fell into THIS place – Wenatchee. A year later I'm following suit, feeling like its finally MY place.

I love it when things fall into place, don't you?  

I am feeling impatient being the new kid on the block…I know most of what I do will be successful due to word of mouth. And patience is necessary when making connections, going out into the community with what I have to offer, meeting new people and basically enjoying myself thoroughly with all the new folks I get to talk to and spend time with.

As far as I can tell, there are no other doulas in Wenatchee. There's one in Moses Lake, and one in Ellensburg…but for here, it's me. And I look forward to attending births again, really, I do…it's been a long time. But it's not my total intention. I really want a space to practice in, to help parents learn to connect and bond with their babies before birth, as well as after, and to remove the blocks that inhibit that bonding.

I think many people aren't aware that it's possible to look to their own history, their own beginnings prenatally and during birth to find patterns and beliefs that have shaped their lives. I don't think as a culture we are aware that babies are having their own individual experience of their prenatal live, of their birth, that can be separate from the Mother's experience. Or that unborn babies are recording everything that happens, some of which will shape how they feel about themselves, and their world and how they relate to others.

I feel so passionately about helping parents understand that what they do and say matters on so many levels…and that we can determine the level of stress a baby is in, and often remedy the cause. That crying, sleep difficulties, eating/nursing problems, are only some of the things that are thought of as Normal or "High Maintenance" or having a "spirited child"….when sometimes it might be adaptation to a stressful experience.

But I am not sure how to deliver this knowledge without scaring people away. I am not certain this community is interested in much beyond being "normal."

This is frustrating to me, but I live here, and here I stay – somewhat reluctantly – and so while I wait to be able to practice my passion, I continue to meet others, make friends here when I can, and having a heck of a time. 

My intention is to introduce myself and what I do to this community. I hope to articulate the main and basic principles of prenatal and perinatal psychology, but not get too detailed in that…Keep It Simple, Sweetie.

And the places I get stuck when I talk to people are citing studies and accurately describing them off the top of my head. If I am challenged in what I speak of, will I fumble and appear unprofessional and incompetent or gracefully field the comments and questions of skeptics? 

How many times can I refer to something I read, or was taught before I start looking like I don't have any first hand experience of my own? I do, but not always stories that are useful in illustrating a concept at hand.

ACK. I always feel like I need more training, and more experience…but if I keep getting more training I'll never get out there in the community to get the experience.

So, off I go this evening, and I hope people show up! Next week I start a class for individuals and couples expecting a baby…

If you are interested, please let me know! 

There is an epidemic of parents that give in to their kids, do whatever they can to prevent upset and disappointment, discouragement or failure. I think it's based on a belief that self-esteem grows from happiness, from not having anything bad happen.

I disagree…I believe self-esteem is developed from overcoming adversity…from tackling challenges and having difficult situations and working through them.

My daughter woke with plenty of time to get to school, 3 blocks away. She pouted on her bed for half an hour, not wanting to go, asking over and over if she had to…I finally said, "Look, you are in charge of your time this morning. You need to eat something, and we should leave by 7:40. I am not going to work harder than you at this…I am willing to be supportive and empathetic…but not if your attitude is going be this defiant and stubborn. You can choose how you want this to go, and you can choose to be late this morning, but you WILL go."

At 7:45, she'd eaten and asked me if all her things were in her backpack. "I don't know..that's your responsibility. And you should figure it out soon because your school starts in 15 minutes."

Oh boy. And no, I won't drive you. You sat and pouted for 1/2 and hour…these are the consequences…then she had to run back half a block to get her gym shoes.

She was late.
She was REALLY mad at me for not driving her the three blocks.

She is so scared, and it manifests as defiant and stubborn. She's begun three schools, including this one, and the first YEAR of each one was miserable because she does this…if it's not what she likes or is used to, she hates it. She glowers. But really, she's terribly terribly afraid and just wants friends. She knows NO ONE at this school, and going here is a decision made just two weeks ago.

I can certainly give her some slack and understanding. This is tough…

But I am not going to cop to her attitude, or rescue her from her own actions that bring about consequences she doesn't like.

When she does get through this, makes friends, gets used to the routine…she's going to feel that much more confident, and happy with herself.

In the meantime, when she's not around, my mama heart is very achy and worried.

Sidra is no longer a baby, so the rules are a bit different…
but ask yourself how often you relax your boundaries and
give in to what you've already said in order to make your
baby or toddler happy?

Ask yourself, is this action really to make my child happy,
or me?

She's been with her dad all week…well, actually, she's been with friends at the beach in Oregon, but I dropped her off at her dad's last weekend. 

She's been camping out on the floor of what used to be my mom's office. It was painted pink/mauve and a deeper shade of mauve for the trim…and she was getting sick of it. Even the ceiling was painted pinkish mauve. She wanted cream walls witih a deep purple trim.

And she's got it.  Also, the bed she hasn't slept in since she was on Pender (four months) is put together with new sheets and new throw pillows on it. She has a new (to her) dresser and a new desk.  I still have to put the desk together, and assemble some shelving, but I'll leave the moving in for her to do except some welcoming stuffed animals and her goth dolls which I'll put out.

I so enjoy doing things for her. She is loving and gracious, appriciative and grateful for gifts done for, and given to her…it makes it very easy to love doing it.  And she's not spoiled at all. There are plenty of things she doesn't get, those things that I don't think support her in her own beingness and growth, or things that cost more than I want to pay…but when I feel good about something she wants or needs, it is a gift to me to be able to do that for her.

Generocity ROCKS. 

Carrie Contey and Debby Takikawa, two dedicated and passionate women, have written "CALMS: A Guide to Soothing Your Baby."

I wholeheartedly reccommend this book as a reference, a resource and a comfort to you as a parent. The skills you will learn are invaluable. "Honest, short, sweet and scientific, it offers parents and professionals a new view of babies and a tool kit for creating family harmony and parent-infant connection."

You can purchase this book from the What Babies Want website, or from Amazon . Or simply by callling 1-800-893-5070. 

Thank you Carrie and Debby!

You both are gifts to parents and infants everywhere.