So, after talking to one of my friends recently I made a decision. I deleted every single character on my account in WoW. I haven’t looked back, either. It’s not that the game is bad (it kinda is, though) or that some other player made me mad, or even that I thought that I was addicted to it or something. It’s just that relatively recently I can’t shake the feeling that video games are worthless. It costs money and time to play them and the latter isn’t replaceable at all. It’s also increasingly making me feel guilty to waste time like that when I have absolutely no handle on my life at all.

As time moves on, more and more I feel like what I am doing right now isn’t right. I suspect I will be in the same position at the end of the program that was in before it. I don’t want a life if it’s going to be constantly like this. It’s a silly waste of resources. I’ve consumed quite a bit, more than my fair share even. I don’t have anything to contribute back to friends and family who have supported me that isn’t easily found on Google (FYI – that’s how I do tech-support, everyone).

I’ve spent more than 8 years since graduating from high-school building up a healthy amount of debt and searching for some meaning for my existence. The pressure I feel when someone tells me I’m smart or whatever is beginning to wear on me significantly. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate positive comments like that and am thankful when they do come. It’s just that if I’m so smart, how come I can’t seem to pull myself together? Why does it seem like there isn’t a reason for my existence? My sister has a child and my brother just bought a house. What the hell am I doing with myself? I’m going through the motions I am obligated to at the moment, but it all feels really empty and useless.

Last week, my dad encouraged me to throw something in the grocery cart while shopping with the family and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt completely, 100%, unabashedly selfish for even allowing myself to want it for a second. It seemed wasteful. It wasn’t the item itself, it was the realization that I didn’t need it. I don’t deserve even 10% of the support I receive and I am increasingly aware of that. I was referred to as the “bum son” of my dad in what was most likely a light joke earlier this evening, but it stuck with me. I found myself playing it over again in my head in case there was some meaning to be gleaned from it. I feel guilty and ashamed about who I am so I assume that there are plenty of others who feel the same about me. I have a hard time making myself let go of things I hear because I fear the meaning hidden behind.

tl;dr – I’m sick and quit WoW for good. Also, I am a worthless asshole who deserves to die young. (Grandma’s Boy? Anyone?)

It’s 3:45am and I just caught myself pulling down my calculus textbook from almost 2 years ago. I only just recently realized how much it bothers me that I let calculus beat.. well, myself. I have very slowly been looking for ways that I can move forward in math on my own in the past few weeks. I have located a few that I am going to have a go at and see what happens. Maybe in conjunction with my textbook I can self-educate with these resources at my own pace. Math isn’t normally something you hear was learned by someone in their spare time at home from YouTube videos. My trigonometry is very weak so that will be my starting point, concurrently with pre-calculus.

I feel guilty when I think about how much time I throw away on video games. Don’t get me wrong; I love them so! But my Team Fortress 2 stats say it all. I’ve thrown away nearly 750 hours on that one game alone since it was released almost 3 years ago. I think it is safe to say that I have squandered an inordinate amount of time playing WoW, too. If I spend even just half the amount of time I play games working on math problems instead, I would probably be in differential equations by now. That’s the part that bothers me the most, presently. I used all that time that I can’t replace on something that has absolutely no tangible return in any sense. I’m not saying that hobbies need to produce something, if I were into woodworking and building cabinets for instance. (I’m not.) I just mean that those games don’t have a benefit that I can quantify. I can spend 6-7 hours a day playing games, easily. At the end of the day, those hours are wasted. Even with WoW, where character advancement is pretty much what the game is designed around, there isn’t anything I can take away from the experience that matters. I’ve slowly been finding out that I don’t care that my character isn’t level 80 (the maximum). I don’t care that he doesn’t have very good gear. I don’t care about raiding, instances, PvP, or “collecting” achievements. Those are boring. I care about being successful on the auction house. I only want my character to be level 80 because it will make it easier for me to farm materials.

I’m rambling, I know.

I want to figure out if that economic interest translates to the real world somehow. I’m not sure how to go about doing that, but I know that I am going to tackle math again.

Living with the folks kinds defeats the purpose of having a blog at all. I assume that no one really reads this thing unless they are looking for intervalometers (my most visited post by far) or random Megas XLR information, so no harm done really.

I am starting class at what is basically a vocational school a mile or two from my house at the start of May. I should be done in 7 months. I hope to be state certified in programming PLC’s and the like at the end. I have a degree already, yes. It is extremely general in nature and next to worthless on the job market. This should give me a focus and hopefully create a nice segue into a career. *fingers crossed*

I can’t get enough information about Europe these days. With any luck at all (not advisable considering my past), I would like to go late Summer 2011. We’ll see. I am mostly reading about traveling through Europe backpacker style. At this point I am gathering as much information as I can to nail down my list of desired destinations.

Kaput.

No Christmas related items are to be installed, sung, played, decorated, eaten, enjoyed, or otherwise referred and alluded to prior to the culmination of Halloween. I just saw a commercial for Hershey’s Kisses and it had Christmas music in the background.

Too early! Got it?

Look, I like Christmas just as much as anyone. The holiday season is probably one of the best times of the year, at least in my humble opinion. I really enjoy the smells and flavors, the sensations (who doesn’t like to warm up inside after being outside in the cold while putting up Christmas lights?), and the sentiment. It’s a fun time of the year, regardless of it’s drawbacks.

But really, let’s hold off on the decorating and indulging until at least after Halloween. Personally, I would rather wait until after Thanksgiving, but my efforts to that end have been less than fruitless for a while now.

Please, please, wait. I don’t want to be sick of it all and then realize that there are still 2 weeks to go…

I spend too much time thinking.

I don’t want to come across as one of those whiny, Emo losers. I’m not after pity. I guess I’m just putting this down so I have a record of it for later. Maybe someday I can look back and say something like, “Boy, I was sooo naive then!” or, “I’m glad things seemed to work out 50 years later when Jesus came back.”

The reason my demeanor changed (other than possibly due to food deprivation) is because I feel like people are examining or judging me. I want to be better. I want to have a direction, but I don’t have one. I want to have goals, but I don’t have any. I feel like a failure under the momentary scrutiny and it bothers me. Maybe I am being irrational. Maybe not. I think the former.

I hate this feeling of despair that sits in my chest. I don’t want to disappoint my parents any more than I already have. I don’t want to be a burden on my family or society.

At this point, I would be elated if I could survive on my own. Seriously. Scraping by maybe, but completely self-sufficient. Unfortunately, I can’t even make this happen. I know a little about a plethora of things, but am not an expert at anything. Not enough to turn anything into a career and not enough to have any use at a job. I can’t even nail down my own interests. I flit from thing to thing like a crazed, caffeinated hummingbird, stopping only long enough to get a taste and then moving on to the new interest of the moment.

I hate being like this!

I wish I could focus on one thing for a substantial period of time. Even if I consciously make an effort, it never happens. My mind makes itself up and moves on to something else. I feel like a passenger in the back seat of a car. My brain is driving at breakneck speed and I don’t get to provide any input as to the direction we go next or when (if!) we stop. It’s maddening and completely demoralizing at best. I usually descend to utter despair after my nightly contemplation of my situation, though. I feel like it’s a stupid set of circumstances to be in and I wonder about how I let it come to be this way.

Maybe it’ll work out. Maybe it won’t. Maybe my destiny is to have to suckle the teat of the government for the entirety of my life. Maybe there is something else I am supposed to do (or not do). People always say, “God has a plan for you”, which is all fine and good. It’s a blanket statement that people make when they don’t know what else to say (Not that I want them to say anything. I’d rather not deal with it at all…). Who’s to say they are good plans? I make plans to go to bed. Nothing of note there. Boring, mediocre plans, but plans nonetheless. Not everybody has a wonderful life. The world is a stupid, moronic place and I may struggle like this for the rest of my meaningless existence (which it feels like to me). Has my point here been made?

For some reason I felt compelled to write this. I wish my thinking and reasoning (or lack thereof) weren’t so bass-ackward.

I call it a romanticometragedy. Elements from comedy, romance, and tragedy films are all present. Joss Whedon, his cast, and crew put together a masterpiece. The story is brilliant. I don’t know who I want to be the winner throughout. You want to sympathize with Dr. Horrible because he seems like an every-man trying to move up in the world. Captain Hammer is the good guy, but he’s a complete, manipulative jerk and nobody knows it.

I love this movie to death. I am not normally what one would call a costumer, but I have done extensive research on Dr. Horrible’s outfit in the movie. Presumably, this is because I would like to put together a film-accurate replication of the ensemble, but I have yet to bite the proverbial bullet and actually begin to acquire the pieces. I really want to do it, though I’m not sure I am ready to join the cosplay crowd. (I know, I’m using a very loose definition of the word…)

In all seriousness though, if you can spare 45 minutes from your day sometime, I very highly recommend watching Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog. Please. You won’t be disappointed!

I make an exception with the Hoagie Street Deli located in Kimberly, Idaho. I came to know them when they were in Murtaugh, but they have since moved due to the economic conditions there. They have some of the most simple, delicious sandwiches and burgers I have ever come across.

I digress. The reason for this posting is to illuminate a travesty. This particular establishment has no official website, but they do. They have one, but they don’t “have one.” I’ll elaborate in a moment. The owners are not what you would call “computer people” from what I can gather during our numerous, but short, conversations.

Here is what exists currently. Do I need to comment? I think you can figure out for yourself how I feel…

I feel compelled to make my own site, even if it only becomes a fan site and nothing more. It doesn’t require any interactivity, it just needs to inform, and do it well. Plus, sometimes I need a creative outlet. Building websites is sometimes that outlet for me.

I’m heading off to create a sub-domain…

Update:

I have completed initial programming for the website and uploaded a copy to my web-server. Several things are either not completed or have place-holders while I continue to work on them. I tried to emulate the look of the menu that they have available while incorporating some simple, subtle design changes.

Update Reduex:

Layout and general design have been completed. Code has been validated as XHTML 1.0 Strict and CSS has been validated as well. I still don’t like the way the main logo looks at the top of the page. I have a placeholder clipart image of a hoagie sandwich there to fill out the top like I wanted it to. I would eventually like to have a snazzy, clean logo up there to help complete the simple look of the site. I also added a map of their location and a link to get directions from Google Maps with the destination address already filled out. I don’t seem to be missing anything vital that isn’t possible without the cooperation and/or permission of the owners. I think there are still some small things I can do to jazz the site up a bit, but nothing huge. I decided to go with a one-page design because of the nature of the information being provided. There really isn’t a reason to break it up. I know that the page is long, but only because of the menu. All of the normally important information is presented first at the top. If someone is interested in looking at the menu, all that is needed is to scroll down. I didn’t want to confuse anyone by having this subtly simple information hidden behind another link. Thoughts?

Update #3:

I finally got around to making some of the art/graphics that I originally intended for the site. The main logo still has a picture of a generic sandwich, but it is easily replaced once I get a picture of one of the actual hoagies. After further thought, I have decided to move the menu to a separate page. I don’t know quite yet where I am going to place the link to the menu. I have notified the owners that my occasional boredom resulted in this website, so hopefully they have a chance to check it out soon and I can get some feedback.

Thanks Adam, I really appreciate it. I can’t really blame the guy though. A naked woman came up to him and said (paraphrased), “This forbidden fruit is great! You should try some…” I probably would have eaten it, too. Now we have to deal with a planet filled with crappy, useless and annoying things like wasps. I don’t see what good wasps are to the planet. They are purely annoyances with no beneficial traits to speak of. Bees at least make honey and pollinate plants. Those are good things. Wasps are stupid, like gnats. There is no purpose at all to these things.

I’m feeling myself fall back into WoW. My cousin asked me to build him a computer while I was in California, and he talked me into starting it up again. I only have one high level toon, and it’s a Hunter. DPS toons are not in short supply and therefore, it is sometimes difficult to find groups for instances. It’s not really a big deal until I get to level 80. Hopefully, there are more spots for DPS types in raids and heroics. I also have a Priest, but only level 44 I think. Healers are always needed. I see them asked for in LFG all the time.

3rd cutting of hay is this week.

The more I watch it, the more I realize that I like Tim and Eric’s: Awesome Show, Great Job. There is quite a divide among the Adult Swim community regarding this particular show. Many don’t like it, and consequently, any other Tim and Eric shows. Everyone else loves it, and not surprisingly, all other Tim and Eric shows. This spoof of formulaic MTV shows is hella spot-on. I laughed really hard when I saw this episode!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCdlrLwnKhE

www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlYAh5We-BE

Can’t keep me silent
Can’t keep me silent

I play a lot, too. I mean, seriously.

I play Team Fortress 2 quite a bit. I like that game because it is the most well balanced multiplayer FPS that I have ever played. I have fun when I play, and for the most part the others I play with online aren’t a bunch of Xbox Live, 12 year-old retards. It is summer though, and that means the potential for the aforementioned folks to be playing is higher as school is out. The servers I play on aren’t competitive, and most of the time there are people having funny conversations as well. There isn’t any taunting, name-calling, or insulting talk. I like it this way. Just an easy, fun and low-stress environment.

Incidentally, the server I play on the most has me ranked at 10th overall by number of points earned. I was 9th but someone passed me up one of these last days when I was working long hours.

I like switching my brain off and not having to care about anything. Sometimes people in the game will get wound up and try to coach the team into a strategy, but I just go with the flow. If the team needs a particular class, I usually jump in and try to fill the gap. I don’t get stressed though, it is just a game after all.

I also had a great time putting together the intervalometer setup for my Nikon D40. I have it enclosed in a shoddy case now, but it should serve its’ purpose well. That is to say the circuit board isn’t exposed. I also got a hold of this USB recharging device to power the intervalometer during my camping trip. It is designed to recharge cell phones and iPods and such, but works equally well at powering my Arduino board. I don’t know for certain how long its’ charge will last, but I am fairly sure it will last longer than the battery in the camera itself. I should do a trial run with the setup here in the next couple days to work out any kinks before I have to leave…