Day 12 — Something you never get compliments on.

Hmm. Probably something along the lines of, “Wow. Amy, you really know how to just let go & not overthink/plan things all the time!” After yesterday’s post, it’s probably no surprise to you that I’m a planner.

When Rob & I go away for a weekend, I research the hell out of everything: the local area, the hotel options, the restaurants available, where the nearest Starbucks is, things to do, etc. I make a list & I cross the items off as I go with just about everything I do. When it’s time to buy new electronics or an appliance, it takes me days to comparison shop and thoroughly learn all of the features, etc., before a decision is made.

I’d like to say that it’d be nice to make a rash decision once in a while, but, I really don’t feel like it would be nice. I think part of it is that I spent a good number of years making reckless decisions and paying for it later; it’s turned me off on the whole concept. So now I’ve swung in the opposite direction. There’s a balance in there somewhere, just waiting to be discovered.

Day 11 — Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Hands down: my organizational skills. What’s funny is this is also something that can very easily be flipped into a major flaw. Just ask the people who live with me. :-) As with anything else in my life, I tend to go to extremes with this. I’m not sure if I necessarily have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, but I can definitely see a lot of myself in that classification. I can also see where this trait stems from two big character defects: perfectionism & control. Those two seem to go hand in hand for me a lot. Somewhere in my psyche, I believe that if I can organize every item I own and every piece of information that crosses my path, things will be okay. Everything will be in control, and somehow perfect. Intellectually, I know this is a fallacy. I know perfection is an illusion; there’s no such thing. Yet, I still strive and yearn for it on a lot of days. The other downside to having this asset is that I can use it against myself when I’m not being particularly organized. “You’re such a sham. You’re not really organized – you just pretend to be.” The voices in my head don’t tend to be very gentle most of the time, apparently. :-)

The truth is – I am organized. For the most part. I naturally tend towards neatness. I like things orderly. I get stressed out and have a very hard time concentrating when I’m surrounded by clutter. I feel peace when everything is in its place. That’s just who I am. Living with a husband and two teenage boys has really taught me a lot of tolerance and I’ve eased quite a bit in my fastidiousness over the years. My spices are no longer in alphabetical order, for example. However, I do dream about the day when the boys are gone and I can “have my house back”. Allspice, basil, cumin, and dill – I haven’t forgotten about you.

I’ve actually even proposed a barter with a massage therapist friend of mine who has a hard time staying organized. I would come to her house & help her get organized, room-by-room and with her paperwork and computer files, etc., and in return, she’d give me massages. I think in the end she wasn’t really ready to be organized as she didn’t take me up on the offer. It’s something I might consider doing as a side job, though – because I think I’m pretty good at it. Aside from walking into chaos & clutter at the start of each job, I think it’s something I’d really enjoy doing. Wonder how big of a market there is for something like this?

Day 10 — Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

There’s a girl Rob & I befriended and sort of took under our wing, let’s call her Jane. She is a nice girl, but we’ve since found out that she is like a bull in a china shop emotionally. On top of that, she’s needy, clingy, and cloying. And while this is no fault of her own, we’ve discovered that she’s not that bright. Is that awful of us to dislike her because she’s so blatantly dumb? It’s hard to have a regular discussion with her, though, because of it. And also because of her incredible self-centeredness. Ugh. I’ve had to set some boundaries the past couple of weeks, but I think more may be in store. Not fun stuff, but totally necessary.

I’m not sure if I need to completely let her go because she’s someone I’ll continue to see in our social circle, but I definitely want to put some distance between us. Good times.

Day 09 — Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

There are a whole lot of people who I could write about here. I definitely drifted away from my hometown friends when Rob joined the Air Force and we moved to South Dakota. It was 1992 and things like the Internet, cell phones, and e-mail were a few years away from being mainstream. It’s amazing how much easier it is to stay in touch with people these days. Just thinking about Facebook alone makes me realize what a world of change we’ve experienced in less than 2 decades.

I left behind 3 or 4 good girlfriends in New Jersey when we moved out west. At first, I tried to stay in touch by writing letters. (Via the USPS – the horrors!) We talked on the phone every so often. I visited when I went back home. But all those gaps in time add up, especially at such a young age when change is constant. I changed. They changed. Our lives changed. The adage, “You can never go home again,” holds a lot of truth. No amount of nostalgia can make things go back to the way they used to be. Either a relationship survives the tests of time & change or it doesn’t. I also am a big believer that some people are not meant to be in our lives forever; they’re only there for a season – and that’s perfectly okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. No shame to be had about it.

Today I try to not live in the past too much. I used to pine away for how things used to be, or get upset that my high school best friend & I don’t click the way we used to. I’ve learned that it’s easier on me if I stay in the present and remain grateful for the friends I have today that I do click with, that get me at my core, that know & love me for who I really am. That wasn’t something I always had with friendships in the past. I wasn’t fully able to open myself up to be that vulnerable. I’m still a work in progress, but I know that I’m the best possible me I can be right now and that the friends I have in my life today are spectacularly perfect for me in this season. Things absolutely are as they should be.

Day 08 — Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

The first person who comes to mind here is the guy I used to be engaged to. It seems somehow sacrilegious to post about him immediately after my love-strewn post about Rob, though. Or maybe it’s poetically perfect, so you know I haven’t always had the best man in the world. I don’t really feel like typing about the details of that relationship, though. Here’s the abbreviated version: high school sweethearts get engaged, boy joins Navy & becomes raging alcoholic & cheat, girl keeps taking boy back after being treated like shit and finding out about indiscretions, girl finally gets tired of it and moves on. There you have it.

I’ve had a couple of major instances where friends have really made my life hell & treated me like shit, but I’m not prepared to write about the details of those affairs, either. Aren’t I just so forthcoming today? Sorry!

One thing that’s changed for me over the years is my tolerance for people who don’t know how to treat me right. I’ve had a fair share of toxic friendships that I let linger for far too long. These days, I mostly am able to avoid those types of people & situations all together, or get out of them much sooner. I have better radar & tools for relating with people today. I can spot trouble coming from a mile away and instead of being drawn to it like a magnet, I’m much more likely to run in the other direction now. My life is saner & more peaceful as a result.

I’m sure there will be challenges to come in the future where this is concerned. Hurt people hurt people, after all. Hopefully I’ll continue on my path of least resistance, though, and be emotionally armed for whatever life brings.

Day 07 — Someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is a complete no-brainer: my husband, Rob.

The end.

Just kidding. Let me tell you a little about that wonderful man of mine. I have been truly blessed. I’m talking blessed beyond what most women even dream about. I don’t mean to brag – these are simply truths.

First, we have the basics: he’s gorgeous, smart, sensitive, kind, caring, a great (and I do mean GREAT!) father, a very loving & dependable son, brother, and uncle, a hard worker, a fantastic lover, an incredibly gifted musician, soft-hearted, and is just generally a good man. These are all qualities I expect from anyone who’d want to be my husband (I say, as if there’s a waiting list. ha!) – and hopefully your man meets most of them, too. But Rob does more than that.

I believe – somewhere deep in my soul – Rob loves me like no one has ever loved me. He loves me like no one will ever be capable of doing. Yes, my parents love me unconditionally and will stand by me through thick and thin; I’m blessed in the parent department, too. But, the love Rob has for me is deeper, more complex – it has so many layers and flavors and depth. He loves me as a friend. He loves me as a lover. He loves me as a mother. He loves me as a mentor. He loves me as someone who needs mentoring. He loves me when I’m weak. When I’m strong. When I’m silly. When I’m serious, mean, and nice. Rob’s love is so safe, so lasting, so reassuring, so pure.

My husband is also an inspiration. He’s gone through so many tough times in his life, and he always comes out on the other side of them a better and stronger person. I’ve seen him take a licking, but I’ve never seen him completely beaten. His strength is something to be admired. Recently he fulfilled one of his long-time dreams: hiking (part of) the Appalachian Trail. He’s wanted to do this for so long, and to see him be able to accomplish something so important to him really inspired me. He is always encouraging me to do things when I think I’m incapable of doing them and seeing him do the hard stuff helps me to see that they are possible.

Rob has truly made the last 18 years worth living for. From moving to South Dakota as two young and naive kids to having children and living overseas to transitioning out of the military and watching me walk through addiction & recovery and all the times in between, he’s been my rock. I wouldn’t want to have spent the last 18 years with anyone else and I only want to spend the rest of my years with him.

Day 06 — Something you hope you never have to do.

Eek. As yesterday’s post mentioned, I could probably fill this topic with pages of things. There are a lot of things I hope I never have to do – chiefly surrounding tragic events involving my family – that I don’t dare even mention.

Something that’s not quite as scary, yet still terrifying in its own right and something I hope I never have to do: tell my sponsor I relapsed. The thought of it sends shivers down my spine. I’ve even had nightmares where every detail of this scene played out in vivid, full-color detail before my dreaming eyes. I usually wake up in a panic, soaked with sweat, and filled with dread. Once I realize it was just a dream, relief floods in.

I know lots and lots of people have relapsed and lived to tell the tale. Most even share how it was the best thing that ever happened to them as it brought them to a new level of surrender and recovery. My fear is that if I go back out there – even if just briefly at first – I’ll never get back to where I was. I’m afraid that the 300-pound girl I left behind 8 1/2 years ago is just waiting for my return. Terror strikes when I think about going back to not being able to stop drinking, when my whole day consisted of nothing but thinking about how I was going to get that drink or that container of ice cream. I’m afraid the disease of addiction, once it gets its nasty claws around me again, will never let me go and I’ll be stuck in hell for the rest of my days on this earth. Dramatic? Yes. But, so painfully true.

Day 05 — Something you hope to do in your life.

Fun!

I could make this post paragraphs and paragraphs long. There are a whole lot of somethings I hope to do in my life. I’ve got a bucket list that just keeps on growing. It occurs to me that I’m 40, and that I better get moving on some of the items!

The latest idea to make my list, though, is to ride in a hot air balloon. For some reason, I never had the desire to go hundreds of feet up in the air secured only inside a bucket fueled by a hot flame. Lately I’ve been rethinking my (previously sane) position on hot air balloon rides. I want to do it! I want to experience the exhilaration and thrill. I want Connor to take amazing photographs of my brightly colored balloon against a crystal blue sky as I grow smaller and smaller in his cross-hairs, waving like a fool all the while. And I want to feel the sweet earth beneath me as I come back down to greet it, safely ensconced in my wicker basket. :-)

Day 04 — Something you have to forgive someone for.

This is where it gets tricky with that whole anonymity thing I talked about in the first post of this series. I’m just not sure who is reading here and I definitely don’t want to make a tense situation worse than it already is. Let’s see how vague I can be and still get my point across.

I need to forgive someone for ignoring my kids while expecting the exact opposite behavior for their children. I know this is my issue. I know the other person is probably going about their days without this scenario even crossing their mind. If I choose to stay angry and bitter, it’s just that: my choice. But, as they say, having a resentment is like swallowing a jar of poison and expecting the other person to die. Holding onto my negativity doesn’t do a single positive thing for me. So I need to let it go and move on. And hopefully in time, I will.

Day 03 — Something you have to forgive yourself for.

As I suspect most people who have been in a 12-Step program for some years would also say – I really don’t have a whole lot of work to do in forgiving myself any more. At least for the big stuff. I’ve made my peace. I no longer harbor ill feelings towards myself for all the grievous things I did in the past.

But, that wasn’t always true. I had to do a lot of soul-searching, writing, praying, and talking about my history. How could I forgive myself for marring my body beyond repair by stuffing it with unnecessary food & calories? How could I ever get over hating myself for treating people close to me like complete and utter crap? How could I sleep at night knowing I was really not the best mother I could have been to my boys for quite a number of years? Those were big questions. Hard questions. I’m thankful I don’t have to face them any more.

Today, most of my regrets or feelings of self-loathing center around the central theme of forgetting that I am human.

“Look at that mistake you just made! How could have you have done that?”

“You have a lot of harsh opinions and feelings about certain people. What’s wrong with you?”

“Wow. You really dropped the ball on being a good parent in that instance. You suck.”

In all of these – and many other – instances, I need to forgive myself for being human. I need to remember that I’m supposed to make mistakes. It’s how I learn. It’s how I grow. Of course, it’s not always easy to remember, or even believe, that my mistakes are okay. But, they are. And eventually, after lots of hindsight, I recognize just how okay they really were. It’s awesome when I get to the other side of things and see how my God was working in my life.

I meant to post this yesterday, but didn’t like how I wrapped it up. I wanted to edit and finish it last night, but never got around to it. And I was thinking about this post some and realized there’s another thing I need to forgive myself for: pushing myself too hard. I’m injured right now and going to physical therapy to recover. My tendency is to get mad at myself – and my body – for being out of commission. The truth is, it’s out of commission because I forced my body to do more than it was ready to. Hopefully I can learn the lesson I need to here and not do this again. In the meantime, I need to work on forgiving myself for treating my temple so harshly. Right now, I’m still kind of mad. Mad that I can’t force my body to do what I think it should be able to do. Mad that I think I can force myself to do more than I’m capable of doing.

It’s time to get quiet and still and start honoring my body and its limits in a mindful way. This weekend I’m going away on a retreat, and while today that feels overwhelming (packing, planning my food, getting to the airport, etc.), I know that it’s exactly what I need. Time for stillness. Time for reflection. Time for peace. My batteries are depleted and in need of a serious recharging. Hopefully that happens while I’m there.