As I sit here at 4:00 in the morning, awake from another all-night neck injury induced migraine, I wonder if you think about how you affected my life with your act of carelessness over 14 months ago. Do you ever just stop short and wonder whatever happened to the woman you crashed into? Does the accident play over and over in your mind like it does mine? Do you have a fear of red lights or when traffic stops suddenly that you’ll plow into the back of another unsuspecting motorist?

Do you wonder if I have spent months going to Physical Therapy, Chiropractors, Orthopedists, pain management specialists, and Acupuncturists? I hope so, because the answer is yes, indeed, I have spent hours and hours of my time going from one doctor to another trying to find relief from my pain.

Do you wonder if I have been in non-stop pain since the day you hit me? I hope so, because the answer is yes, I forget what life is like without pain of some sort except for those few blissful moments when the painkillers are doing their job.

Do you wonder if my husband & kids have been affected because of my injuries? I hope so, because they’ve had to deal with my diminished capacity for doing certain physical tasks around the house, my crankiness due to being in pain, and also have taken on the role of caregiver after getting cervical spine injections.

Do you wonder if my job has been affected due to having to take off for continuous doctor’s appointments? I hope so, because it has. Thankfully I have a very understanding and supportive boss, but what if I didn’t?

Or do you continue on with your life as if nothing happened? Was I just a small blip on your radar screen?

The past 14 months have been hell for me and those close to me in various ways. Even though life is still good and I remain positive overall, it really has been hard. My life has been altered. I will never be the same even if I do eventually find relief from the pain. Sadly, I will bear the scars of this accident and long-term physical pain for the rest of my life emotionally.

And now… I continue on with another day, sleep-deprived, distracted by pain and beaten down emotionally from the strain of it all. I will put a smile on my face and do what I can, though, because I refuse to let this get the best of me. I also realize that things could have been so much worse. I’m grateful things are only as bad as they are. Truly. I have hope that I will one day know what it’s like to have pain-free days, weeks, and months again. And I hope you are out there paying attention to the road so you don’t do this to another person.

The supervisor saw the cashier beating on the register and yelled out, “Nancy! Don’t hit the keys so hard! You’ll break the register.” At this point, I got the giggles. I actually spent the rest of the day periodically mimicking the supervisor by yelling out, “Nancy!!,” for no good reason. Each time, I would crack up laughing at the incongruity of the whole situation at the store earlier.

The next day, though, it dawned on me: I’ve certainly been guilty of “being a Nancy” in the past. It’s easy to see where I’ve used brute physical force repeatedly in misguided attempts to make something work. I’m not the most mechanically-inclined person in the world, so I’ve definitely had my share of those actions. But there are other emotional behaviors I saw paralleled when I took time to reflect on a deeper level.

The main idea, of course, is the whole definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. How many times have I tried a diet thinking this was the one that was going to work? How many times have I tried to change people by repeatedly saying the same things to them? How many times have I procrastinated, telling myself that it would be no big deal to get it done later? Lots and lots and lots of times. Thankfully I’m engaging in those behaviors less and less these days and my life is being restored to sanity.

As an outsider, it was easy to see Nancy’s behavior as insane. She clearly was not going to get a different result the next time she scanned both bar codes then went to her register to abuse the keyboard again. I’m not sure how much longer she would have kept trying the same method if a supervisor didn’t intervene, but I think she would have stopped and reassessed the situation to think of a new solution before long.

It’s not as easy to see when we’re engaging in this type of insane behavior emotionally, though. Especially when we’re the ones doing it. I can spot this pattern pretty quickly in others, but not always immediately in myself. It’s not fun or easy to notice ugly behaviors about ourselves – and I think that prevents a lot of honest self-appraisal. Who wants to admit they’re participating in emotional insanity? It’s not usually one of my favorite things to do. Thinking about the metaphor of Nancy banging on the cash register, though, makes it a bit easier for me to admit my own faults. I can catch myself trying to control someone through my words or actions and then visualize Nancy attacking her machine to make me smile. For me, it’s a kinder, gentler – yet powerful – way to remind myself to take a step back.

Today’s lesson for me is: Don’t Be A Nancy. I want to recognize when I’m trying to force an outcome or repeating a behavior that is clearly not beneficial to me or anyone else. I don’t want a “supervisor” to have to come and correct my actions, so I’m going to hold the Nancy image close to my heart as a loving reminder lesson.

Seeing the news reports of schools and businesses closing is just craziness to me. Is swine flu more contagious than regular flu? Maybe it’s an issue of us not having enough natural immunity to this virus compared to others?

Rob & I are scheduled to go on a trip to New Mexico leaving tomorrow. He was just told he might have to cancel his trip because his company might be closing down their call center in SE Texas on the Mexican border. WTF?

I’m a little concerned about getting on a plane with this virus floating around, but I plan to practice general rules of hygiene safety by washing my hands frequently and using hand sanitizer through out the day. I’m wondering how many people are going to show up for the flight with face masks.

Hopefully we will look back on this period in a few years time and laugh at ourselves and the ridiculousness of our reactions. I mean, seriously.

Mama Robin and babies

Last week the robin family came back and built up the nest they left behind and laid 4 eggs in it. Every day I’d wake up and look out the door or window and smile to see the mama robin sitting on the eggs. I’d do the same when I got home from work, watching the mama fly away as I got close to the bush to walk in the door. I was getting super excited about the birth of 4 little robins!

Two days ago I came home from work and noticed a few robins in the side yard, but no mama was in the nest. I sensed that the robins in the yard were in distress, but I thought they were just warning the mama that I’d be getting close to the nest. When I walked up to the bush and looked into the nest, though, I saw that all four eggs were gone. I was horrified and saddened.

I went back and checked the nest and area a few times, trying to discern what happened. I saw a few very small pieces of the egg shell in the nest and on the ground, but not much at all really. Definitely nothing incriminating or tell-tale. If it was my first look in the nest, I would have assumed the mama had yet to lay her eggs.

When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed my front yard was filled with feathers. It looked like a major fight had gone down right on my front lawn. I stood there, once again horrified, thinking that if I stood there long enough, I’d get a vision of what happened while I was at work. Of course that didn’t happen and I was left to wonder what sort of drama is going on with the wildlife outside my front door while I’m 38 miles away each day.

Some might say I’m putting way too much thought and energy into this whole thing, but I seriously considered going to poll the neighbors about suspicious wildlife activity in our yard. I feel like putting all the detecting skills I’ve collected from reading mysteries my entire life to good use and tracking down the killer of my robin family. I saw no robins at all in my yard when I came home today. I’m not sure if the whole lot of them up and left for safer nesting grounds or if they’re just keeping a low profile after the family massacre or what. Either case is distressing to me.

I know this is nature and its survival of the fittest and all that, but I’m still upset about the loss of my baby robins and most likely at least one adult member of their family, too.

Right now our prime suspect is a hawk since we have quite a few of them in the area. Are there any bird and/or wildlife specialists out there who’d like to weigh in with their opinion? I need to direct my mean thoughts accordingly.

I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to maintain a program of recovery to keep abstaining from all those sick behaviors I engaged in for so many years. I’ve got a very powerful Higher Power and an incredible network of friends who are walking this path with me. Together, we’ve all made it possible.

I treated myself with extra care today just as a way to commemorate and also as a reminder that today I need to always practice self care. Here’s a list of things I did:

• Finally broke out that Free Drink card at Starbucks on my way to work – Decaf Venti Americano, baby!
• Prayed and read from my daily meditation book
• Savored my breakfast and lunch, relishing how much I truly do enjoy the tastes of my nutritious food
• Brewed myself some Seattle’s Best Organic Twilight Decaf in the French press this afternoon (apparently coffee is a treat for me!)
• Called someone who is struggling with alcohol on my way home from work
• Made dinner for me and the boys (Rob had to work late) and enjoyed the dinner conversation with them
• Made breakfast for Rob & I for the last day of the week (we did 4 days already on Sunday)
• Packed my breakfast and lunch for work tomorrow
• Took a long, long, long hot shower
• Gave myself a hot oil treatment on my hair
• Put my pajamas in the dryer before putting them on. Bliss.
• Slathered moisturizer on my face & neck
• Loved on my doggie

I also plan on taking myself to bed early to read a bit before going to sleep because I need to get up earlier than normal.

Here’s to another 7+ years of continued recovery from alcoholism and compulsive eating… and all the rewards that come with those things. I never knew life could be so happy, joyous, and free!

In other news… I’m off from work until January 5th! That’s 16 full days off in a row. I’m really excited to have a block of time to just relax and take it easy and do all the things I would do if I were a lady who lunches. Unfortunately, I’m only off because my company imposed a forced furlough for all of that time. There’s been a rash of good news/bad news the past few weeks regarding mine and Rob’s work. Witness:

Good news:
Rob got a promotion and a huge (huge!) raise

Bad news:
My company announced a forced furlough due to the downturn in business & softening economy

Good news:
I have enough vacation days to get paid for all of my time off during the furlough

Bad news:
All employees at my company are getting a temporary (3-month) pay cut effective January 12th. The amount of the cut was based on salary and the ranges were 5-15%. I fell right in the middle there.

Good news:
I still have a job and Rob’s raise makes up for what I lost.

All in all, I’m grateful for where we are standing at the end of 2008 especially relative to where we were at the end of 2007 – both of us laid off due to our company going bankrupt and closing. I am seeing a lot of heartbreaking stories concerning people losing jobs and not having money and I know we’re among the fortunate for today. I’ll take our lot and count my blessings.

Are you all ready for the holidays?? I have a few small items to get and then need to finish up wrapping. All in all, I’m in good shape and really looking forward to the big day. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate if I don’t get back here before then!

Yesterday was my 7th Thanksgiving in a row where I didn’t overeat. Instead, I ate exactly what was on my weighed and measured food plan just like I do on any other day. I have to tell you – it felt great. I loved being able to remain comfortable in my clothes and in my skin, and yet still be satisfied.

I love knowing that no amount of food – no matter how tempting – is worth eating when it just destroys my sanity and self-esteem.

I know if I would have indulged in any of the foods that were not on my food plan that I wouldn’t have stopped there. I would have over-indulged for the Thanksgiving meal itself and then kept on going throughout the night and probably on to the next day. In fact, I’m honestly not sure when I would have stopped. That’s my cross to bear: I can’t stop once I start eating foods that are problems for me.

I’m so extremely grateful that I’ve been given the willingness and ability to refrain from eating problem foods today. What a new way of life!

I have a weigh-in on Monday (I weigh every first of the month) and it’s barely even a blip on the radar because I don’t have the whole “holiday eating factor” to take into account. Thank you, God!!

Well guess what? The majority rule are a bunch of dummies. Two weeks from the day I got that shot, I came down with the flu. It’s been two weeks since I came down with the flu and I’m still recovering. It’s been a rough month.

An aggravating result of getting the flu was the setback of my physical therapy progress. My neck and shoulders are now back to the level of pain and loss of range in motion I was experiencing 6 weeks ago. It’s pretty frustrating. It’s been 3 months since my accident. I never would have thought I’d still be feeling the effects all this time later. It’s changed my quality of life without a doubt.

Anyway, this week is Thanksgiving, and I need to focus on gratitude. I do have much to be grateful for in my life and so I’ll end this post with a gratitude list – something I haven’t done nearly enough lately.

I’m grateful for:

• the pain in my neck, shoulders, and back – for it means I’m not paralyzed
• my physical therapist – he is great at what he does and has an engaging personality. I enjoy my visits.
• my sponsor – she reads my lengthy emails and listens to meandering phone calls moaning about my life’s problems and responds with love and tenderness
• the women I sponsor – they remind me on a daily basis what a gift and miracle recovery from addiction is
• my job – it’s definitely not something anyone can take for granted in these economic times
• Rob’s job – he went 8 long months without one, so we definitely appreciate him being employed now
• my immediate family – I love all three of my guys so much. The boys are so funny and different from each other, and Rob is always such a loving supporter.
• My extended family – between my parents, my siblings, my nieces & nephews, and inlaws, I’ve got a full plate that provides me with a lot of joy most of the time.
• Facebook and the resulting rekindling of friendships from my youth
• the Internet, TV, and books – my three main sources of entertainment
• Music – I’m not much of a musician, but my life has always been surrounded by music in one way or another and without it – I start to wither.

I suppose I could go on for a while, but those are the things that are really present for me today. What are you grateful for?

Of course, these sentiments fell deaf on the ears of an ignorant, indulged middle-class white American girl. I honestly thought quite the opposite was true; I had to be one of the most unfortunate people in the world, didn’t I? I mean, my parents were strict and at times physically abusive, we didn’t have a lot of spare change lying around and I had to wear non-name-brand clothing a lot (gasp!). How could anyone have possibly had it worse than me? Okay. Maybe a few people could have possibly had it worse than me. But, not many – trust me!

My, how times and perspectives have changed. Today I count my blessings on a regular basis, and I still don’t think I’m grateful enough. I do frequently question the good fortune of my life, though. How is it that I was not only lucky enough to be born in America – arguably one of the greatest nations in the world – but also, born to parents who loved me unconditionally (albeit in their twisted way at times), born in modern times where I don’t have to worry about when my next bath will be, being persecuted for being a woman, or dying from the whooping cough? I’ve also never experienced racism or bigotry directed at me to a large extent because the color of my skin is white. About the only way I could have been more blessed is if I was born a male to an affluent family. Not that I consider the opposite sex better than my own, but being a female does mean I’m a minority and there are some drawbacks associated with it.

I think about the people in other nations – the women especially – who are suffering atrocities every single day: female genital mutilation, repeated rape, forced prostitution, arranged marriage, starvation – the list goes on. I could have very easily been born to a lifetime of such horror. But I wasn’t. And I need to recognize that fact on a regular basis, lest I find myself reverting to the thought processes I had as a child.

Yesterday we were given some startling and troubling news at work. The company is looking at cutting costs in a number of ways, some of which could have a negative financial impact on some employees. I understand this sucks. The whole damn economy in the US sucks right now. We’re living in precarious and unsettling times. Yet, we still remain fortunate, in my opinion.

The news yesterday was an announcement of some upcoming changes that will definitely be happening, as well as some changes they are only thinking about implementing. The company has a policy of being open with their employees, and I appreciate that, probably more than most given my history. You see, I worked for another company for 8 years whose policies resembled nothing of openness and candor. Everything was clandestine and hush-hush. If there were going to be layoffs, you heard about them as you were being escorted out the door, and those left behind were given shoddy explanations. This is why, even though the news yesterday wasn’t great, I’m still grateful. I appreciate the advance notice and the respect given to the employees here. As an employee, it increases my loyalty and faith in the company itself.

Not everyone has the benefit of walking in each others’ shoes, though, and I’m seeing evidence of that today. There’s a lot of bitterness and complaining going around. My viewpoint seems to be in the minority. I want to preach to certain people the same way my mom did to me as a young child. “You don’t know how good you have it. Count your blessings.” I won’t do that. But, it’s a good thing I have a blog. ;-)

Now go count your blessings. (And thank a veteran!)

Yesterday was a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad. My mom arranged for it to be held in the gymnasium of their church. Mom and I had a good time running around getting all of the stuff before the party and being as clandestine as possible. We could have done a better job at the latter, though, because my dad had a slight suspicion about the party when he drove to the church. Oh well, he had no idea up until that moment, so that was good. The party was great, and that’s all that really matters.

Here are some photos – click through to see the full set on Flickr.

Today we spent some time cleaning the inside of the house – but not too much. We spent the majority of our efforts raking and bagging leaves. All told, we ended up with 12 yard-size bags of leaves and we’ve still got two trees with quite a few leaves left on them. It’s going to be so nice to not track in 50 million leaves when we come in the house – at least for a little while.

While the kids recuperated from doing manual labor, Rob and I took Grace to a local dog park that recently opened. I’d been following the news about the park’s progress and have wanted to go for a little while now, so I was quite excited to be taking the trip. The park is about 5 miles from our house which is pretty awesome.

Grace had the best time at the park. She ran in and greeted all of the people before even acknowledging any of the dogs when we first got there. That cracked me up. It was fun to watch her interact with the other dogs once she got going, though. Turns out Grace is quite the peacemaker. Every time there was even a hint of a scuffle, Grace came running through, right smack in the middle of the crowd of dogs, tail wagging, tongue hanging, with a huge grin on her goofy face.

We’ve heard narry a peep out of Grace since coming home and it’s been over 4 hours now. She is completely wiped out. Rob and I are enjoying her tiredness; it’s like when infants and toddlers go down for a nap and parents breathe a sigh of relief. The silence and stillness is a welcome change.

And now – it’s time for some Eagles football! Kickoff is right this second. My parents are at the game, so hopefully the birds don’t disappoint.