A Safe Place to Land........

2019-01-15T01:05:00.000-08:00

Does anyone really love me? Does anyone really care about me?

If i was gone would any one even give a shit?
Sure my kids love me but theyd eventually grow up and move on. Kids are resiliant like that. Arent they?
No one ever chases after me. Ever.
Im easy to forget. Im easy to lose.

Im totally replaceable.

I know i go round and round with the same fears and issues. I know Im broken. Im sorry. I dont know why Im broken. I dont know when I happened. Ive tried and tried to figure out when it happened. I just cant. Does it even matter though? All that matters is that Im broken, damaged. No body keeps damaged goods. When you order something and it shows up damaged you return it.

Maybe I need to be returned.

Maybe thats my problem. People are always realizing how damaged and defective I am and then they return me......they exchange me for the better model.

I could leave now and theyd probably all be relieved. Sure there might be anger at first. No one would be there to do the day to day shit I do. Its be an inconvience at first but they'd all move past it and figure it out.

But what would i do? People leave me and I go numb. Catatonic. Everytime someone has left me a small piece of me has gone with them. All those small pieces have added up to a whole hell of a lot. Im going around trying to hols whats left together but its not working. I need more hands. No one wants to help though.

i mean if you really loved me could you lay there and sleep while i sat on the bathroom floor in the dark and cried.

you never come for me. Im not needed.

I always think if i eat right, if i lose weight, if i dress right, if i succeed, if i work harder, if i try more, if i apply myself.....if i can just be better it will all get better,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but it doesnt,

How do I make this stop? How do I get better? Is this just how it is for me?
Maybe this is what I deserve.

How do i explain this?
Why do i have to ask for love?
When your loved you shouldnt have to ask for it right?

2019-01-15T00:31:00.000-08:00

Why do I care so much? Especially when it's so obvious that you don't care as much.

I'm not saying you don't care at all but I can definitely feel the separation

This is probably karma. I'm getting what I deserve. This all goes back to my realization that I may in fact be the toxic friend.

2019-01-07T10:28:00.001-08:00

How can I worry about my own self care when I am literally in an industry where I am helping others constantly with their self care? In today's society we keep getting told that we have to focus on ourselves we have to take care of yourself you can't pour from an empty cup you need to take time for self-care. The my entire career is based on caring for others I spend over 32 hours a week helping others get their self care and I help them relax and help them feel good I help treat conditions I help them feel better at the end of all that I still have to take care of my kids to be a wife friend a mother a daughter or granddaughter when am I supposed to self care? Thought about this the other day when my friend who is also in this industry who does hair was with me doing my hair from 5:30 p.m. on the song closed till midnight because that's what we do. We set aside our lives our time and we sacrifice that so then we're doing our nails we're doing our hair we're doing our self care at midnight I work night. That can't be effective self care, can it? When you're tired you're stressed and you're under the gun to get it done in a time frame how is it relaxing how is it rejuvenating? Looking at myself at the beginning of this year what can I wear my mental health is become painfully obvious that something needs to change. Maybe I need to do more self care. Maybe I need to make myself a priority. I don't know what that looks like yet. I have a place to start and I'm starting there. I've done an audit of my phone and my social media of everything that I'm affected by all day everyday and I'm eliminated a lot. My notifications on 90% of my apps I turned off. Part of me is scared. Fo MO is a real thing. I'm desperately afraid I'm going to miss out. I am petrified but the effect this will have all my friendships. But in the back of my mind I know that if it makes me better the sacrifice is worth it. That is the only way people who call themselves my friends have been connecting with me is through these social media apps then maybe it's not real. That's a scary sentence to say. That's the first time I've said it out loud. I don't know what this is going to look like in 6 months hell I don't know what it's going to look like in a week. But yesterday not checking my phone every 5 minutes not hearing constant demanding Ding and vibration it's signaled somebody was trying to get my attention was nice. For a small portion of my day I kind of felt like myself. I clean the house. I made dinner. I organized. I read. I can't remember the last time I really did those things. Maybe that's myself care. Getting myself out of the chaos that was surrounding me. My house was full of clutter and dust my clothes weren't even in the dresser. Dishes were piled up laundry was in files. Food was not cooked not prepared it was ordered. Barely treading water. Yesterday don't like someone who throw me a lifesaver and for a brief minute I just floated. I'm going to keep up with this. We'll see how it goes. The best I can do right now no promises just a small amount of try. If I can chip away this storm you might head if I can C1 ounce of clear sky ahead then maybe there's hope.

2019-01-05T22:52:00.002-08:00

A whole year. ..... It's been a while damn year. Even though so much has changed how am I still here?

HOW THE FUCK AM I IN THE SAME DAMN FUCKING PLACE A WHOLE MOTHER FUCKIN YEAR LATER!?

Its so pathetic.

I'm a damn hamster on a wheel. I run and run and get no where. I go on living and keep repeating my same dumb ass mistakes and ending up in the same situations.

Why can't I make friends?

Wait ....thats not fair. Let's be honest. After all, this is my safe place.

I make friends....I make them pretty fucking easily to be honest. You see making friends is easy.....its the early stage, the honeymoon, the first date........they only get to see the surface you, the rehearsed, practiced, censored you. Its when they dive below the surface that shit goes wrong.

So I guess the real question is......Why cant i keep friends?
WHat is so fundamentally fucked up in my head or my being that it actually legitamitlly repels other human beings from wanting to form lasting connections with me?

I've pondered this thought ever since the 4th or 5th grade. Up until that point I had had the same friends my whole life. I never questioned if they liked me. They were my friends, of course they liked me! I liked them and they liked me.....we were friends.

Then my group of friends turned on me. They started excluding me. Then they started making fun of me. Then the started teasing me.

I guess now a days this would be labeled "bullying".

I remember it hurt. I was sad. I was confused. I wanted to ask them what I had done to cause this.
I vaugely remember finally getting the nerve up to ask......I dont remember their reasons. I do remember crying.

I cried a lot in 5th grade.

We had these lockers in the hall outside our class. They were tall and skinny like a metal locker but they were wooden. The shiny varnished wood church pews are made out of. They had a couple hooks and shelves in them but no doors.
I remember getting picked on in class. My "friends" would get going and say things out loud in front of everyone. I dont even remember what they said. I remember them laughing. I remember other kids laughing. I remember what hurt the most was they used to be my friends. I remember crying......a lot. I cried so much that I sometimes it wouldnt stop so i would leave my desk and go out into the hall and sit in my locker. Id sit and stare at the hallway floor and think and cry.

My locker was my safe place.

It was during one of these times that I was sitting in my locker that I made myself a promise. I would stop crying. I would not waste one more tear on them. They would NEVER make me cry again. I would NEVER let anyone see me cry ever again. And i kept that promise.

I steeled myself that day. I put up walls and locked all the doors. I put on my mask and cinched on my armor. I stopped crying.

I went through middle school and high school with this same resolve. Sure I cried. What teenage girl doesn't? I only allowed myself to cry behind closed doors. In my room at night. Id sit in there with the lights off and my christmas lights on. I kept them up all year. They were strung around the tops of my walls. I loved those lights.

My room was my safe place.

Then it wasn't.

My bed was against one wall in my room. I shared that wall with my parents room. I heard everything, every night. Through that wall I spent my pre teen and teen years listening to my parents marriage implode. Id lay in bed, listening and crying.

But I still never cried in public.

My parents split up. I made it through high school. I bounced from friends to friends. I kept up my pattern of making but never keeping friends.

Adult life proved to be more of the same.

My dad died.

I still did not cry in public.

I recently read an article about how crying is our bodied release valve. Its how we release stress. Not allowing yourself to cry causes actual physical harm to us. Not crying when we feel the need to triggers our bodies fight or flight response. We avoid the emotions. We dont deal with them and this trains us that when we start to feel those emotions, that stress that our body shouldnt cry but instead it should go into fight or flight. We go into danger mode. We make an already stressful situation worse for ourselves and then add adrenialin and cortisol to it. Before we know it we are running around in a premanent defense mode. Psychologist call it a contraction state. We are tensed. Every muscle, every sense is coiled and ready to react at the slightest hint of danger.

Hello anxiety.

Anxiety is me never escaping my thoughts. There is always noise in my head. ALWAYS. It is NEVER QUIET. NEVER! I examine every converstaion, interaction, comment, smile, frown, remark, EVERYTHING.

Maybe this is why I cant keep friends.

Eventually I overthink it all. I get too needy. I require too much validation. I am just too fucking crazy to deal with.

"Why didnt they call?"
"WHy didnt they text?"
"Are they mad?"
" WHat did that mean?"
" No one wants to hang around you."
" You are so boring."
"You were wrong, again."
"They are just being nice and tolerating you."

I kept asking myself why my friends always leave.............

I went over it, and over it, and over it and over it in my head.

Then it hit me one day......the common link in all this is me. Its me. Im the toxic friend.

How did i get to this point?
I need to fix this but I dont know how.

Is this all because of me denying myself my emotions? What events and experiences in my life have shaped me into this toxic asshole of a person?

I need to understand this. If i can understand what all added up to equal this mess then maybe I can learn how to fix it.

Maybe I can learn how be a normal person.

Is that even possible?

I also read that anxiety is a result of not feeling safe as a child.
Did I not feel safe as a child?
Have I ever felt safe? like 100%, truely and really safe?

Probably not. The roof is always moments away from falling in. Im always a step away from falling off the cliff. Disaster is always around the corner. Nothing can last forever. Everything comes to an end.

How can I ever feel safe?

Is that what is wrong with me? Im never safe. Not anywhere or with anyone.

Is that why I cant keep friends? I cant develop a true, real connection without feeling safe with someone and if I never feel safe ...well fuck.

Maybe I am just crazy.

Is this just karma? Am I just reaping what I sowed?

If Im toxic...poisoning every friendship I enter into. Steam rolling through people's lives being a total asshole in the process then am I just getting my just desserts?

Maybe I deserve to be alone.

Maybe I need to learn to cry.

2017-12-13T00:16:00.000-08:00

There has been a lot going on in my life lately and this has given me a need to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head. I figured the best way to do this was to start writing again.

I don"t know if anyone will ever read this and I honestly don't care if anyone ever does. I need to do this for me. I need to have a place to put all these thoughts and feelings I have down. Keeping them bottled up isn't working anymore. My writing may not be elegant or "correct" but that isnt the point of this blog. I may ramble, I may wander but thats ok because this isnt about being a great writer. This blog is about exactly as the title sates being my "Safe Place to Land..."

The biggest issue I have weighing on me lately is the abrupt, malicious, and painful ending of what I thought was a friendship. Sometimes I think i can pin point what caused the beginning of the end. I keep going back to that day that I stood there talking with her and J and I told her she looked tired. SHe complained about the hours she had spent in the pool anf the effects it was having on her. I agreed that the chlorine was making her skin look ashy. It seemed like a typical conversation we had had many times before. Then she text me and basiclaly in so many words she told me how i had hurt her by saying what I said. I called her to talk it over. I apologized. I told her how sorry I was and that I had meant nothing mean by what i said, i had simply been trying to sympathize with her complaints about the pool and the chlorine on her skin. Her response was cold and reherhersed. It was empty. She said " I believe you" and nothing more. We didnt talk for days after that. I knew she was angry with me. I remember pulling weeds in my garden after our talk and being sad, then angry. Just the day before she had told my my face was broken out and looked irritated so i must be stressed. I hadnt gotten angry with her. WTF how dare she say things like that to me and then do this to me! It was completely down hill from there. Then i discovered her damn twitter account.........How can someone who claims to be my friend say one thing to my face and then go on social media and say such horrible, mean, nasty, hurtful things about me???

Did she not think I wouldnt see that?? DO you think im stupid??? Im glad i read those tweets. It showed me your true colors. You lie. You say the ugliest things about people you call your friends. You constantly say things like "speak honestly" "address your issues" but then you hide on twitter and say those awful things. Those tweets hurt me. They planted the seed of distrust in me and helped it grow. I couldnt trust a thing you said or did ever again.

You told me once how you could just cut people out of your life......well i guess im witnessing that first hand now huh..

I dont know how in everything youve done you have somehow painted yourself as the victim. You post about how anxiety causes you to do these things and how we dont get it. FUCK YOU!! My anxiety cripples me. My anxious thoughts run wild and cause me to doubt everything. I spend all day every day waiting for the other shoe to fall. My anxiety has gotten so bad as of late that it is causing me physical issues. Im hoping this writing will help that.

I read one of her tweets the other day. Im pretty damn sure she refers to me as "Velma". She said something like "Your hair is fugly....you remind me of Velma from Scoobey Doo".

That hurt.

Your were my fucking friend and now you say that about me........

The anxious, insecure part of me wants to hide. Your words make me feel like i need to change my hair now.

I looked up images of Velma online......she was the ugly girl in the gang. The brain. No one wanted to be Velma. No one wanted to date Velma. She was the chubby, less pretty girl in the gang. Ive felt like that my whole life. You saying those words about me ripped open that wound all over again. The rational part of me knows you are aying those things because you are angry and you want to hurt me. The rational part of me knows i shouldnt chnage myself for anyone...ecspecially you...........but sometimes the insecure side wins and when she does your words keep repeating my head and then i cry.

Ive been told my whole life that people like you say things like that because you are jealous...........i have a hard time finding anything about me that would make anyone jealous.

I dont know why you are doing these things. I may never know. It makes me angry that you hurt me. I want to move past the point where you can hurt me.

DO you enjoy hurting me? Do you enjoy hurting all of us?

I want to scream at you "YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM!!!" but i know this will do no good. It wount change anything.

I truly believe you love controlling people and you cut us out because you could no longer control us.

You still control her though. I saw her today, working with you and when I waved at her she didnt wave back because you were there. That hurt.