the silence aloud

Of House and Titanium

2013-01-25T01:28:00.002-08:00

In the name of Allah, the All-knowing.

So here it is, the thing I've always wanted to post up but never got the guts to, or never got the right words or right time or right reasons, for that matter, to do so. And here it is. Neither it is the right time to talk about it, nor do I have all the rights words compiled here on my fingertips as I type but thanks to House, I'm actually posting this.

I was just done watching Season 7 of House and I have gathered so much lessons from Season 1 till now, though this season seemed to touch me in the most unusual yet powerful way. Seeing how House and I have so much in common in terms of how we handle pain and how we display ourselves without the overwhelming emotions and the stone-hearted person that we've become in dealing with certain, or maybe most issues, I feel his pain, I know what it feels like to trying so hard to do what you do and having people around you that you wish most to understand what you're going through but they actually don't. You want to say that you're in pain but at the same time, you know they won't understand and when you actually do, all they tell you is to suck it up! And when no one could find you a cure to your pain, you try so desperately to find your own ways to deal with the pain and yet, you still get the same or worse judgements from all around you but never some support. But here's my tale, or perhaps, a gist of it.

It begins with a word, starts with an S, and is never-ending. Scoliosis. A cool word, initially, when I first heard it, when I was first diagnosed with it. It's amazing how such a simple word could actually be so life-changing. And yes, it wasn't really that fun when it bit you in the ass. Scoliosis is a condition where there is a curve in your spine, if the curve exceeds 45 degrees, there's little that you can do. However, nowadays, a lot of alternative treatments have emerged and many have found these methods pretty helpful. Unfortunately, back during my days, or should I say, my early days with Scoliosis, we had very little info and although we asked for a dozen of second opinions from doctors and specialists, they all suggested that I should go for surgery as my curve was a severe one. As parents, my mom and dad decided that I should do it as soon as the doctors mentioned the risk of paralysis if I choose not to do the surgery. And so, there I went, at the age of 13, my first major surgery. As the matter of fact, my first surgery ever. Getting titanium rods and screws infused into my spine. Little did we know that the decision made in order to save me turned out to be the turning point in my life, the beginning of the never-ending torture. However, it isn't anybody's fault. Things just had to happen the way they did, I guess.

I never felt any pain before the surgery. In fact, I didn't even feel anything strange about my body until my dad saw my back and how there was a hump on one side. Sure it was cool, getting your spine straightened and gaining a few inches in height at first, but as days go by, I started feeling the progressive pain, mild at first, then it became a little more than usual everyday. That's when painkillers started to become a good friend of mine. I went from not taking them, to taking them, and to taking them everyday after every meal, and eventually to taking them more than I should. I've gone through some difficult overdose episodes, however, it was easier and so much more bearable than the pain in my back. Over time, I learnt to choose the nausea and drowsiness from the overdose of painkillers over going through the real pain from my spine. This is something I remember telling only one person and nobody else. It isn't something I am proud of doing or telling people about, but perhaps it's something I should share so that you won't do the same mistakes, or probably not so much a 'mistake', maybe more like the wrong thing to do. And yes, I tell you now, it isn't the right thing to do.

Even though we discovered a few alternative treatments later on, none of them really helped, and as our financial issues started arising, I decided there's no use in all that anymore as they never really worked anyway so why keep pouring money on something that does nothing? Unfortunately, I started to become tolerant to the painkillers, which means I now have to take more of them to feel the painkillers' effect and it's slowly killing me inside. Not literally, but I remember how zombie-ish I was as I got more dependent on those drugs, I had no appetite most of the time, I was losing weight, lying on my bed, I was unable to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. But frankly though, it does make me less conscious about my pain and it was still good for me because the pain from my back hurt so much more and you have no idea. You can start judging me here, I mean, I'm pretty sure I would too if I hadn't gone through it all by myself but you really have no idea how much pain I was going through. So usually after school I would just lie down and give myself some time before my mind could start working again so that I could start studying. Not long after that I stopped taking the painkillers when I started coughing a little blood. I knew I had to stop but I never thought it would be that instant, but Praise be to Allah, I did.

But then I had to face the pain on my own, thus I was always very weak, everyday. However, I was less like a zombie and I could talk to people and smile no matter how painful it was, so it was probably a better choice. Most importantly, I learned to be strong, I learnt to face the problem instead of covering it up with a more bearable one, and keeping the real problem or pain submerged underneath the artificial cure. I learnt to stand up and fight for myself, not let things bring me down the way I've let my pain do and find alternative ways to run away from the pain instead.

Far and foremost, I learnt the fact that, at times, you're just on your own, especially when you're going through a tough time, you'll find no one at sight and that's when you're really put to the test. The test to, first, get your ass of the ground without a hand to reach for, second, the test to fight in the battle without your fellow soldiers to back you up, and lastly, the test to take them back into your arms, and into your life as they started emerging back one-by-one when the storm's passed. And that, by far, was the hardest one, the hardest lesson yet.

Scoliosis was bad. Of course not when you get to detect them at an early stage and go for early treatment. But for me, it was pretty tough but the tougher it gets, all the tougher it has made me. It made me realize that life IS actually real, and it isn't just going to be a bed of roses. But of course, I had to learn that the hard way.

A few years back, doctors have been telling me to go for another surgery to take out all of the metal in my spine, and that the risk of taking the surgery would be similar as the risk of keeping them, with just a difference in the period of time before the worse could happen. If the surgery goes wrong, which holds up a 50% chance it would or would not, the damage would take place immediately. And if I do not opt for the surgery, in the long run, the damage would still happen. Come hell or high water, it'll happen and I might have to face it someday therefore, I might as well choose TIME. Yes, I chose not to go for the surgery, and although the choice I made puts me in a great deal of pain, with every single waking moment, at least I get more time to prepare myself before something happens, and at least I get more time, another chance to appreciate the things around me, especially the littlest ones, and to cherish the people who loved me, and most of all, to value time and life altogether.

I'm still living with the pain, every single day, a different kind of pain every day, at few different spots each time. But I get to share the strength the pain has grown in me with the people who's going through the same difficulty but at different areas of their life and it is somewhat, a blessing. Having titanium in my body actually makes me feel rather bulletproof, although figuratively, when you have nothing left to say to comfort yourself, it actually works.

Praise be to Allah, this is probably a way for Him to erase my past mistakes,
and Praise be to Him, He still loves me.

Alhamdulillah.

At the end of the rainbow

2012-11-24T10:46:00.002-08:00

Dreams?

In the name of Allah, the One who stands on His own.

So today was about me trying to figure out what my dream was when I was a little girl.
It's frustratingly annoying that I couldn't recall a single dream of mine as a child.
Was I that dull as a kid? My oh my.

So I tried to take a walk down memory lane for a bit.
The first thing I remember, the thing I remember most about myself is that my grandma spoiled me so much that it has become a part of who I am today.
I know that, because I can feel the difference when she's gone. Now I feel just, ordinary.
No fun.
You know?
I'm not saying I have had THE best childhood, but probably my grandma made it feel like it was.
And maybe because she made my world so perfect that I had nothing else to wish for, or to dream about, it felt like I had completely everything, except of course, a sister.
But it was different then.
You know, she never made me feel like I ever need a sister, or even a gazillion friends around me.
She was just, enough. Good enough.

I need to know this, maybe not that badly but I'm pretty sure my dream as a kid makes pretty much who I've grown up to be, it could probably just define who am I really.
Because as time goes by, I realize I've stacked up a lot of dreams along the way that when I start to look back to that big pile today, it makes me wonder what's at the bottom of it?
What was underneath all the other dreams that came along?
What was that first dream I had put right there under all that mess and if I have already fulfilled it?
Oh my gosh, I don't even know.

If I didn't even have a dream when I was little, how come I have so much now when I've grown up?

I always thought of how fortunate everybody else in my family is, my mom has my dad, my elder brothers have each other, my little brothers have one another, then I started asking myself, who do I have? I don't remember asking myself this when I was small because I know I don't have a sister, I don't have that many friends too, I am alone most of the time, at school, and at home. But I was never lonely. Never. Because I had my rock back then, my grandma, my closest friend, best friend. Somehow, with only Barbie dolls and Power Rangers to play with, she made my childhood like nothing else I would ever trade with. For some reason, it was just fine. Perfect, in fact. But that day when I saw my first rainbow, I think I was about six, I was just so fascinated that such thing exists that I spent my entire recess period sitting there by the small drain next to the parking lot just wondering what that actually really is, what is it made of, who made it, why is it there, why is it there then, and what is it there for. Well actually I was also waiting for the dragon to come out, you know, dragons usually come out from the end of the rainbow in the cartoons I used to watch. Perhaps, that was the very first time I learned that there is so much more to life than what I go through everyday, and I learned to believe beyond the things I see in books and cartoons.
I became so fond of the sky soon after that.
I believe in everything I ever imagined in my crazy little head that time, but I never knew I could actually dream of such things as well.
I mean, I don't even know what a dream is.

And now I do, but how was I supposed to know that it could turn out to hurt me?

I never had a dream when I was small, because I didn't know how huge it means then.
I never needed one.
Like money, it never meant anything to you, until you knew what they really are, what they can buy, and more surprisingly what they can buy these days.

When did I learn to dream?
For me, it's both easy and painful to say that, I first had a dream when I first took my parents' dream away. And it's absurd how I keep on destroying people's dreams along the way. For every dream I burned down, I light up another dream of my own. Sounds pretty evil huh?
Number one, I think my brother was right when he said I burned all the money they had. Because it all started when I fell ill and they had to spend so much on my medical bills when they could have used them for the business they just started, it was their dream, and if only I didn't stand in their way, they could have been living such a perfect life now. And now, their broken dream has become mine to chase. I want to return what I have taken away from them, and this is the dream I need to chase real bad. This isn't just a dream now anymore, it's their lives, the smile on my mom and dad's face. And this isn't just ONE dream anymore that I have destroyed, it's everybody else's all in one. If it wasn't because they had to save me, my little brothers wouldn't have to grow up hating how they had to live their lives, they didn't have to go through all that they have to go through now and now would have had such a wonderful life. If it wasn't because of me, my big brothers could have had their dream weddings, they would have been very successful in whatever they do now, and living a great, happy life. And my parents wouldn't have to work this hard. Sounds evil? I am evil.

I know everything happens for a reason, and it all happens with God's will.
But I do feel responsible for all that has happened, because it was just so chronological.
Maybe it is not that easy to just give them their lives back, who am I anyway?
But perhaps, if I could just at least put that smile on their face again, it would worth my entire life.

And him?

Well I have been standing in his way for too long, weighing him down everytime he flips his wings and wanted to fly. I know he wants me there, but he doesn't need me, and we both know that. Now that he's ready to fly again, I don't want to get in his way anymore, it's just unfair. He doesn't have to go through what I'm going through just because he wants to be there for me, and he doesn't have to go through what others have gone through just to save me. He deserves a great life, with or without me. But, nevertheless, he'll be the dream I will be keeping, always. Always.

I know my dream isn't as big as wanting to fight for world peace,
but it means the world to me because it isn't about me, but the people I love with every breath I take.
And if I can't save my family's own happiness, how do I even dream of saving the entire world?
As for myself, I have a dream for myself too, but this one, I rest it in God's hands.
He'll know if I deserve it.
I don't have to say it, you might figure it out someday.

Dream. Even the most absurd ones.
Whether as high as the sky or as magical as the rainbow, dream, just because you can.

RUN

2012-11-16T05:46:00.000-08:00

So this is it.

In the name of Allah, Most Merciful, the All-Knowing.

Happy Hijri New Year to all Muslims all over the world. Wow, alhamdulillah, praise be to Allah.
Time flies like it doesn't matter a tiny bit to anyone at all.
And while I'm very thankful of all the days, good and bad, He has given me since my very first breath, I am also, of course, pretty terrified with how far I've gone yet done so little.
Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
After over twenty years now, I can't name you one thing, one MEANINGFUL thing I have actually done in my life. Maybe I was busy enjoying myself in Neverland, you know, the land where you'll never grow up/old, like Peter Pan.

Well yes, I sure did created my own Neverland in my head, I thought it would work. I mean, what's the big deal, it's just in my head anyway. And nope, of course I was wrong. I'm not sure if I took too long to realize that it just comes back at me to bite me in the ass. This isn't about not wanting to grow up, this sounds to me more like not wanting to live in reality, not wanting to take responsibilities, not wanting any conflicts, or anything that requires a little bit more of my brain and efforts, for that matter. How could I have been so selfish? When did I become THIS person?

I'm sorry. To everybody who had to deal with my lack of conscience, and especially those I have deeply offended due to this (if any). And I'm sorry for myself, too. I've locked myself away from all the great possibilities the world has to offer as well as all the potential in me by waiting on something I don't even know I deserve, by putting on my hopes on things that end up letting me down everytime instead of believing in myself, MYSELF; the first person I should believe in, the first, most important person I need to put my hopes on.

So this new year, I decided that this is it. It ends right here. Well, at least I need to end it right here. What scares me is my nature of, oh wait, lets not call it that. Maybe not nature, (I don't want it to be even a tiny little bit of my nature) maybe more like a habit. Yea. What scares me is my habit of going back to being that kinda person again, you know how we always say some things and end up not doing them or not doing it entirely? Yes. But I do need to change. Not change who I am, but the way I think about myself, the way I think about others. I need to trust myself more, not trust people on my very own life instead. This is my life, I make the rules, and I should be doing things MY way, not how others tell me to. I shouldn't have to be waiting on someone to put a smile on my face, it's my freaking face for god's sake, I shouldn't count on someone else to make me happy. It shouldn't even cross my mind that someone will actually help me reach for my dreams, it's MY dreams. Sure the sky is too high for you to reach for the stars, but what made me think that someone would take me in his/her rocket to grab a star of my own?

Twenty was a pretty scary age when I first had to not only face it, but accept it and SAY IT OUT or WRITE IT DOWN in papers and forms. But twenty-one is beyond all that. It's a cruel way of telling you, 'Grow up already'. I have to grow up and be someone. I'm feeling the pressure not merely because of what society usually expects from you, I mean, from us all, and not just because that's also my parents' expectations, but because the only way out of this is THAT. You know what I mean? I need to make something meaningful, I need to do something, so I can at least have something good to feel about myself. I don't necessarily have to do something great, like out of this world kinda great, I just want to do something great for myself, and for my parents to remember about me, for my brothers to be proud of, you know. Something that'll make them proudly say, 'Hey, that's my sister', and my parents can tell their friends about me and say 'She's our daughter'. Not so much of world recognition, just something these people will remember me by. You know? And if I don't stop wandering around here in Neverland, I will never get even a tiny pinch of that.

I need to quit. Quit waiting on people. Quit putting on hopes. And get back to reality. It's about time. I've disappointed too many, wasted too much time, flushed my own emotions, put myself aside like a piece of junk. Please, please pray for the best for me. I believe God knows what's best for me, so for starters, maybe, I'll accept the fact that what I've lost is lost and before everything else slips through my fingers as well, I better start getting my feet back on the ground.

Game on?

Insyaallah, God-willing.

Answers

2012-04-22T02:37:00.001-07:00

In the name of Allah, the all-knowing..

So, hello people. I know I've been missing for quite some time and it's not the first time. My blog is turning more and more like myself, you know, SILENT.

I'm sorry.

And yes, that is something I wish I can keep on saying to each and everyone around me, from the bottom of my heart for all that I am, for all that I have caused since the day I existed, for all that I have or have not done, said or have not said, for simply, everything; I'm sorry.
As if it'll make much of a difference at all.

Well, truth is, I've been keeping myself from writing, or rather, pouring my heart out everytime i touch my keyboard, because I was starting to hate the fact that I'm actually that vulnerable...and pathetic, that I can only speak my heart out in here and not to real people, who can listen.

Again, I'm sorry.

And after some time of hiding and running away and stuff, well, I found it so much easier and less painful to actually pathetically spill my heart out on my posts than waiting for some real human being who is concerned enough to actually really listen. Looks like I didn't know myself too well, but at least I've learnt from that, and I learned that I don't need to be listened to, because I know I suck at talking and hardly 1 out of 100 people would actually understand whatever I'm trying to talk about. That's me. You know what it feels like being this girl, it's like the times when you know what's in your mind and you try to explain it to your friends yet you can't find the right words or something to make them understand it the way you do? Yes, that's exactly how I feel, every single time, all these years of being alive. Everytime people make me explain what I'm going through, I'll pause halfway and end it right there with an 'I don't know'...well, it's easier. It's easier to realize that you don't know the right or effective way of explaining rather than actually knowing that no one can understand you. Yup, it's better, and like I said, less painful.

Lately, I've been wanting to ask someone, just anyone at all who has the answer,

"What have I done wrong, where did I go wrong and was it too big a mistake?"

Well, if I could ask God, (which I already did) and He'd give me an answer (which is highly unlikely), it would have been ideal. But I know and I always said that ideals rarely happen. True enough. I couldn't find anyone to ask this to but you know how God always has his way of doing things. I came across this tv show and then a book, and then all the little things that seemed like they're trying to talk to me through some weird, weird way yet when I put them all together, they actually start to make sense to me. I might not get a straight answer, but I got quite a gist of it and during the times when no one can give you any answer, that is MORE than enough, MORE than I could ask for. Mind me for saying this but all these years I've been playing the good girl. Well at least I try real hard to play that role, the good girl, the good sister, the good friend, the good daughter, the good student, I tried my level best to give everybody the best of me. Although I know I never really succeeded to play the good girl flawlessly, I believe I've done my best. So it was almost innate for me to expect people to be good to me in return even though I never really intentionally want anything in return, it's almost unconsciously. And so, I kept on getting hurt, not because people betrayed me but because, my expectations did. And as time goes by, I found myself becoming so reliant on people; their empathy, their trust, and most of all, their love. I have made those things the things that make me happy. And when these people left, with all that they have, I stopped being happy too. Only then I learned that the only person left to love me is myself, the only person left who never have loved me, is myself, the only person who has always been there, who could have made me happy, then, was and is myself. I never loved me. I was so busy thinking and worrying about every single person I love that I forgot to love myself. If that's how easy it is for me to forget to love me, well, no wonder it was even easier for others too.

Two decades. Twenty years. I've laughed, I've cried, I've laughed till I cried, and I've cried till I started laughing again. I've had some really good times, some really bad ones. Joyful, hurtful. Twenty years. I was only walking in this body and living in this soul that I never loved. And now I'm asking myself, 'What did I do wrong, where did I go wrong and was it too big a mistake?' Are you kidding me?

I know that I've taken the road less travelled, I didn't think it was going to be this hard even though I know it was not going to be too easy. I mean, we all hear people who does this all the time, you know, doing things that most people don't normally do. I chose my path, I decided that this is where I'm going and no matter what happens along the way, this is the life I have chosen. But I'm sure I don't want to make the same mistake again. I need to stop depending on people. But I need to be able to love myself first, which I'm gradually learning to do now, God-willing. I've known what it's like to be treated like a pingpong ball, to be hit back and forth over and over for somebody to be called a winner in the end and your entire life is just a 20-minute game to them. But it was my fault, but only now I realize that it was. I let them toss me around because I'd do anything even for that 20-minute of having them close to me...even if they're only, well, playing. Because I was too blind to see that I was that pathetic.

I was asking the people around me about what they would think or feel if I ever fail in my life...has it never crossed my mind at all to ask myself what I FEEL? Does it not matter at all? Or does it not matter as much as how others would feel?
Why did I treat myself this way...

Today, after all the hard lessons, my goal in life remains the same. Make them happy - the people I love, the people around me. And I? Well, I'm done with my worldly concerns. I've had enough of everything. My life has not been easy so I don't want to be going through all the same and worse later in the hereafter, so for me now, I just pray that I'll be placed far, far, faaaaaaar away from hell, if I don't deserve a place in heaven. I just want to be free. Free from the world that's playfully and annoyingly poking me with a needle every single second with every step I take, free from the hard lessons that I need to learn from only after I've fallen and smashed my face in the mud, free from the price I have to pay for every single thing I asked and never asked for, free from asking questions that no one can answer for me, free from forgetfulness, free from my silence and all the noise everything else is making, free from wondering about things that I never get to know of, free from my sins and mistakes, I just want to be free, and close to God, the all-Knowing. Because He'll have all the answers for me.

...and the only person who deserves a 'Sorry' from me now is actually, just, me.

turning over a new leaf much? much much :)

2011-12-30T06:36:00.000-08:00

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious Most Merciful.

It's Dec the 30th. 2011 is coming to an end.

I have to post something right?

Hello :) You know, sometimes I think I have borderline personality disorder.
Less than 24hours ago I was so down, soooo down that my face is like on the freaking ground.
This morning I was not feeling so well and like always, I slept through it.
Prior to writing this, ohh no, prior to deciding to switching on my laptop when I promised myself I won't, at least not tonight, and prior to deciding to reactivate my facebook account, which I SWORE not to, at least not until next year (which is just freaking less than two days to go), and prior to deciding to post this entry, I asked myself, WHY SO DA SERIOUS LA SEYHH? WHY SO DA SAD? IS THAT ALL THAT I AM AND ALL THAT ILL EVER BE?

I don't know how long this is going to last but I just don't want to always be that girl.
I don't want to drown myself in self-pity all the time.
I don't want to play the victim, I don't want to play the pathetically sick sad girl.
I mean, okay, so I'm not as healthy as everybody else, but isn't that good?
Isn't it good that no one else is suffering like that? Yes, it is.
And so what if I'm ridiculously always so complicatedly problematic? (wow that sounded exaggerated)
Isn't it good that it all happens to you, and not someone else you care about?
Plus, I should be grateful instead, there are so many people out there who are facing far more difficult times, and they face it every freaking day of their lives and it's never-ending, yet they still look on life as if they can take them all down, as if their problems are just miniature toy soldiers they can just flick away just like that. Sometimes they barely have a glass of water to drink or a piece of bread to fill their tummy with, yet they keep walking like they own all the courage in the world.
And I got thrown down by just these problems that I'm having.
I bet if they knew me, they'll be rolling on the ground laughing at me because I let myself lose to such problems...it's nothing compared to theirs.
I'm grateful, I just hope Allah knows that. I always am very thankful.
I know everything was for my own good, nothing in His plans was meant to ruin me or take me down.
It was all for my own good.
There are so many things that I didn't get, but there are so much more that I got from Him.
So much. I got all the wonderful things I never ever dreamed of.
I got a wonderful family, annoying but wonderful brothers, loving parents nothing can replace, a perfect guy to share my life with, a bunch of great friends I would never trade for anything else, and having to be a girl strong enough to say 'I'm okay and everything is going to be alright' every single time, truth or lie, hard or easy, I'm brave, and it's because God's always there for me, all these wonderful people just make up my superpower. They are my superpower. Without them, I'm just nothing at all.

I keep telling myself to grow up already. I'm almost freaking twenty. Yet still living in those days when my grandma still had to watch after me. Maybe because I cherished that moment so much, maybe I wish she's just here. I remember myself wishing that she'll be there watching me get married to my prince charming. I was so happy that time, I remember I wrote that in my diary, I don't quite remember when was it but I was small and she's still around. I also remember that I was crying real bad holding on to that diary of mine, staring at that particular page where I wrote it, a little after she left. I just stared at it crying. I really thought she would never leave me. I have never thought there is even such a thing. But she left. She never told me to be strong, or whatsoever, because I was really happy, I never had any problems at all, I was the happiest girl alive, with her by my side. Now that I'm a mess, I never get to hear her say or tell me to be strong, or how strong I am already, or to just motivate and encourage me to keep going. But I realize she might not get to say it to me, but she had showed it to me, sooo long ago. She showed me how strong she was. How brave she was to keep going even when nothing seemed to be alright, and I was there, I just didn't realize, until today. She was the strongest, most courageous woman I've ever known, so is my mom, and I should be too.

I still wish she's here but I know she's even happier up there.

Life's tough, it can knock you down sometimes, and it will.
But you're tougher, you'll get back up, and keep going. Because we are strong.
Life's short, laugh while you still have time.
Cry if you have to, cry your heart out. But you know there will be tomorrow and you'll have to get your ass off that ground and get moving.
It's not going to end when you want it to, it's going to end when your time has come, and your job is to make sure you have no regrets when the time has come.
Sometimes we're so preoccupied with all the things that went wrong, all the things that might or are going to go wrong, all the things that can go wrong, we forgot if anything can even go right anymore.
I always thought I was a burden to everybody, maybe because everyone and everything makes me believe so. But now I just thought that maybe I'm not, maybe I was just different, sociologists might call me a deviant well so what? If Einstein wasn't different, you can never google him today...you won't even know there is such a name.

It's okay to be different, it's okay to be sad sometimes, it's okay to not be that fit and healthy, it's okay to cry, it's okay to fail sometimes, but just remember that it is also okay to smile, even when everything is going wrong, it's okay to laugh, it's okay to enjoy the day while you still can, and cry the next day whatsoever, it's okay, seize the moment, they say. So seize it alright. If you want to cry, cry all you want. And when you can laugh, laugh all you can. There will be tomorrow, but maybe, today is just it for you, or for me. I don't want to die with a frown on my face and tears in my eyes, that's for sure, because I don't want God to see me like that. Do you? I just want to be happy, come on, everybody says that. Yup, everybody says that, so why can't I? All I want is for the people I love to be happy and stay healthy. And that will make me the happiest person in the universe.

Happy 2012 people :) let's grow up. It's not easy but what's the fun playing in easy mode rigggght?

Allah will be there for us.

on my knees

2011-12-29T07:24:00.000-08:00

In the name of Allah, the One who owns my eternal love. Praise be to Him.

So many things have happened recently and at times I feel like throwing myself at the ground but I have so many people watching and waiting for me to make them proud. But I'm only human and at times, I do stumble and fall. So this is one of the times. And I just want to say I'm sorry. For all the things that I have and haven't done. Trust me, I swear to God, all I ever wanted was to see you happy. Mama. Ayah. Him. My brothers. And all my friends. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I can make you happy.

I'm sorry.

aren't you human too?

2011-12-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

In the name of Allah, the All-Knowing.

Have you ever felt like you've tried your best yet it wasn't good enough?
Have you ever felt like you've given your all yet it was still not enough?
And have you ever given all till you've got nothing left yet no one saw how hard you tried to give it your very best?

I'm sure everyone has, at some point in life. And I'm no exception.

Moms and dads all over the world who might be reading this, friends, brothers and sisters, just everybody everywhere on Earth, keep in mind, bear in mind, nobody's perfect.
But we're all trying our best to be the best for everyone, especially for the people we love.
We make mistakes, but after each one, we learn to be better.
Appreciate the people who would make mistakes for us, they're trying their best for us.
So they stumbled and fell because they didn't do it right, but they are learning and trying to.
And they make mistakes because they keep trying to, trying to be good enough for us.
Don't shut them down, take their hand and help them to get back up instead.
All my life I've been trying to bring out the best in me for the people around me,
I keep trying to give all I can because people kept telling me or rather, showing me that it's not enough,
and I keep on giving till I don't even realize that I have got nothing left to give or to keep.
I know certain things should be done in a certain way, the way it should be done.
I try to do it just the way it should be done, but I'm only human...I no matter how hard I try to put things together perfectly, there will always be flaws in between.
But I don't need you to tell me how it should be done, I know how it should be done alright, I just couldn't do it as perfectly as you imagined it should be.
I don't need you to tell me that I can't do anything right, because everytime I try, you keep telling me it's not good enough.
It's like everytime I get back on my feet again, you come and throw stones and rocks at me to throw me down.
You call it 'teaching'; teaching me to be better. I call it, 'discouraging'.
I know you've set standards. I know how high it is as well. But goddammit I'm trying my freaking best alright.

You know, the next time you want to say something to people,
try put yourself in their shoes first, and think about what they have gone through for you,
they are trying.
Because I would say,
'Hey, it's alright. Take your time, it's worth waiting for anyway. You worth more than anything else and I want you to know that I've got your back'

If only...

all attached

2011-11-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

In the name of Allah, the one and my only.

You know what's even more pathetic?
...being left with no memories at all about the most important, most precious person in your life.

All I had was a picture or two of my late grandma, my bestest friend.
Sometimes I'd watch Lion King simply cuz I miss having her with me.
We used to watch that all the time when I was small and still pretty lovable.
Now that I miss her, I ask myself, is that all there is?

Then as I started writing this, I remember.
I might not have a whole photo album full with her pictures.
I might have nothing much left that reminds me of the good, old times.
But deep in my heart, in my head, everything's playing like a playback. Over and over.
Every single day as an episode of its own.
Every single memory so vividly, being retold.
Every single detail.
And the last days I spent with her, before she left.
It's not physical, but it's embedded in me.
And nothing can ever replace that.

Just like when I'm missing you just too much
and I realize I've gotten rid of all our pictures that I had.
Little that I know it's as easy as closing my eyes, and there it is.
The most perfect pictures of you, the most perfect picture of us.
All I need to do is to close my eyes and suddenly there isn't any distance between us.
Just you. And I.
So far, in reality, but so close, closer than we'd ever known.
And although I can't hear your voice and you can't hear mine,
I believe our hearts listen to one another, no matter where we are.
I just pray Allah will always protect you, give you strength to go through each day,
and give you good health and happiness all the way.

imy

2011-11-28T09:10:00.001-08:00

Just...a reminiscent.

2011-11-27T06:01:00.000-08:00

In the name of Allah, Most Merciful.

I remembered I made a card for my brother when he got married and it says;

"I know you have a new sweetheart now, and no matter how many little sweethearts you'll gonna have soon, just don't forget that I'm still your baby sister, and always will be".

But he never got my message. Because I never gave the card to him. And now, I just wish I had.

blablabla

2011-11-17T22:23:00.000-08:00

The Fray has been on top of my playlist now for the last couple of weeks.

Guess Im missing you too much..

how a simple wish can be a little too impossible

2011-11-15T09:44:00.000-08:00