When you need a Good Laugh

Redneck Thursday

2011-03-10T03:37:00.000-08:00

Guys and Girls....... Sorry for the long time between posts its been one hell of a week.......

Today is dedicated to the Rednecks... they come in all shapes and sizes and from all over the world, they have many different names.... Rednecks, Hillbillies, Inbreeders, Townies etc etc the list goes on and on... i think every country around the world has their own form of the "Redneck" which makes this a wonderfully diverse topic :-)

Before we get started my rants and raves for the day................
1. how can Trevor Manuel be called a racist when he works for the ANC and is coloured himself... makes no sense to me...
2. Greys Anatomy... honestly Dr Mcdreamy and Mcsteamy and Dr BigMac and Nurse Quarter poundher... that show is so so so so bad... drama drama drama, i'd hate to work with those people something is always getting messed up... you'd think after like 8 seasons and god knows how many years together one of the claver doctors would have said "fuck this i'm out of here... you guys are bad luck... if its not shootings or stabbings or metel illness or pregnacy or cheating all amongst a group of 8 people...." Should be Gays Anatomy......
3. People posting FB status they say "i'm so bored" or "have nothing to do" get a life, get a job, get a Hobby... something please i hate to hear how much time these people have on their hands to just sit around and do nothing....
4. People on the Highway doing 100km/h in the fast lane and then they wont move... i just want to run them off the road and crush their skulls in the door while they try to get out.... or drag them down the highway at 100km/h in the fast lane and see how they like it.....
5. peole that hesitate at stop signs.... its simple if you got there first you go first... sort of like a queue but not... IDIOTS
6. Foreigners who come to South Africa and only visit Cape Town cause they are afraid they'll get murdered anywhere else in South Africa... Idiots... you'll get killed just as quick in Cape Town, Melbourne, New York... if you go looking for trouble 9 times out of 10 you'll find it... regardless of the Town or City

Okay enough of that.... here are some Redneck Jokes and Pics....
Hope you enjoy it :-)

THE TOP COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS THIS WEEK

7.  I Never Went To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
6.  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
5.  Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause She Might Win.
4.  I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

1. Its hard to kiss the lips at night, that chewed my ass all day

Redneck computer terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Well Folks thats all for Today... hopefully i'll update again tomorrow.... dont forget to spread the word about this site.... copy and paste the pics into e-mails send them round tell the jokes and remember to mention where you got them from :-)

Cheers
Mr Faice

Best Slogan T-shirts from the WEB

2011-02-23T01:57:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gents

Today is T-shirt special day... these are the funniest and rudest R-shirts that i can find... alot of them are way to "out there" for me to wear but what the hell... somebody is going to be dumb enough to wear them....
Before we get to the pics....

Peeves for the day...
1.Horror movies that have the hottie in the movie running away from the baddy at top speed only to have him catch up to them by walking at a rather sedate pace... my brain might be weird but as far as i know running is faster than walking (unless you have one leg) which basically means that the distance between goodie and baddy will only get bigger if the victim runs and the baddy walks....
2. on the topic of movies... i hate it when the victum runs into a building and runs all the way to the roof and looks around thinking "damn now i'm trapped up here" really you ran upstairs to the roof to get away... unless you have a chopper waiting or you left that shotgun on the roof you are screwed!!!!
3. Stupid people who firstly think that they are special enough to jump queues and push past others... people who have forgot words like please thank you and excuse me... people that for some or other reason think they are better than others and therefore deserve immediate respect... they can all fuck right off thank you....
4. i'm annoyed by people going on about how we mustnt judge... i think thats the problem... people dont want to judge so that guy who is an asshole will never know that everyone else thinks he is an asshole... this in turn will do two things.... firstly he wont know he is an asshole so he wont try and change... secondly he wont know that being an asshole is bad cause nodoby wil say "hey you stop acting like an ASSHOLE.... i say people must be judged by what they do... if somebody acts like an idiot most of the time i'm going to judge him as an idiot most of the time :-) and i think people should judge others as such... take teachers for example... that little brat that did no homework, disrupts the class and still spits in the teachers face isnt a troubled little boy with problem we dont know about.... he is a little shit that will proceed to try and do as he likes until somebody steps in and makes that person realize there are consequences to actions...

Okay Oaky enough of that for now..... T-Shirts GO............

EMO Tuesday

2011-02-22T00:57:00.000-08:00

Morning all...

Sorry for the large delay between posts its been a hell of a week so far... i have a couple of Rants and Raves before we get through to the EMO jokes and insults...

1. People who speed and drive recklessly when it rains, not only are you putting your life at risk but you are messing with mine and that isn't fair... Ladies and Gents i know this sounds more like a whine but seriously...when it rains slow down and put your lights on... i drove past a car crash on the way to work and i tell you what those oaks are bloody lucky to be alive... thanks to airbags and crumple zones... the car is a write off though and yeah lets see you get to work now.....

2. Parents who drive around with their little kids standing on the front seat or even the backseat for that matter... all it takes is one emergency stop and BAM kids through the windscreen... c'mon people car seats for a reason... they did a study in the US of A and they said that even the strongest guy in the world can not hold onto a baby in a head on collision at 60km/h... the one oak who could hold onto the test baby held it so tightly that he broke its back (it was a CRASH TEST BABY)

3. Walking into a music store to hear the most Vial, nauseating folk music that even the "tannies" turn their noses up when they walk into the shop... surely people realise that they must play to the crowd....

4. Comedians that swear to much... some comedians use bad language very well others not... after watching the all star comedy jam i was a little dissapointed... the jokes were funny dont get me wrong but i did feel like a needed a shower by the time they were done because of all the swearing... now i swear alot but only for affect but these guys were all Fuck this and that and your mama and my mama and mother trucker this and mother trucker that... it was really heavy.... surely a clever use of words is far funnier that just plain blatant bad vocabulary...

5. The amount of Gimmicks for sale... from shocking machines for muscles that shock your shit into shape to vibraiting tables that shack the fat right off your ass... and these arent the only ones... miricle cleaners that are the same as handy andy with a different label... pillows to stop you snoring... pills to make you skinny, fat, muscular and give you a couple of inches extra on your manhood... its all really ridiculous, honestly people how do folks fall for that shit....

Okay Okay enough of that... i know you are only here for the EMO jokes so here goes.......

Emo is a short term for the word 'emotional. When we talk about emo jokes, it concerns youngsters who are so emotional that it seems funny and outrageous. They are based on the stereotypical image of those who call themselves emo, skinny jeans, bad hair, kak attitudes and a love of blaming others for every problem they encounter. The aim behind these jokes is to enlighten the sad souls of emo people and hopefully showing then the light... if they dont melt.... :-)

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to place it, & two to write a poem about how they miss the old one.
What do you say to an emo kid to make him cry outside the mall? You say anything and he would start crying.
Why did the emo kid cross the road? To get a box of tissues.
How can you tell its an emo guy hitting on you and not a regular dude? Instead of asking for your phone number, he asks for your poetry blog.
Why do emo kids always take the flight that leaves at midnight? They prefer to take the red-eye.
Whats the difference between emo grass and normal grass? Emo grass cuts itself.
What did one emo kid say to the other emo kid? Stop crying. You?re stealing all of the negative attention.
If a blonde and an emo jump off a bridge, who will drown first? The blonde - from the emos tears on the way down
What's the difference between an Emo kid and a dead baby? A dead baby doesn't cry.
Edwin, an emo, goes to confession and confesses that he had an affair with a girl. Priest says that he could not be forgiven unless he tell name of the girl. The emo says that he has promised not to tell her name. Father asks, was it Mary Patricia, the cleaner's daughter?" Emo says "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" "Was it Mary Francis, the accountant's daughter?" "No," says the boy. "Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside the church were Edwin's friends asking him what happened. "Well," Edwin said "I got six months, but three good leads Well folks thats all so far... check back often for more funnies..... Mr Faice

Tuesday......

2011-02-15T02:51:00.000-08:00

Another day Another Ginger....

Gingers.... hated from coast to coast and back again... they are like box Jellyfish with freckles instead of tencicles... Gingers are the new race to hate.... My question is... If you hate Gingers does that make you a Racist? A couple of my pet peeves before i get to the Ginger Jokes....

1. Assholes who continually use the phrase "i'm just saying..." Really is that why words are coming from your mouth cause you are saying something.... WTF.... (Dr Rox)

2. Triple priced Red Roses for Valentines day... Red Roses represent death not love... the corination is the flower of love... how many of you new that????

3. Drivers in general when the power to the traffic lights has been cut.... they have no idea what to do they either sit there for 20min before they realise whats what or they race through without stopping thinking they have caught the light before it has changed to red... ASSHOLES

4. People befriending others on facebook when they have never met... this is only acceptable if that said friend is HOT or has funny pics of people doing stupid things

5. People who start groups for any reason or stupid isea they can think of... are you really that bored that you have to create groups to prove to people how stupid you really are.....

6. and Finally farnville, cityville, mafia wars, vampire wars, requests... if i dont play the fucking game anyway why do you still send me requests for wool and bread and blood and and and the list goes on forever... what do i look like the farming warehouse seriously....

Now that that is done... and i feel slightly better for venting my inner rage... this week i'll be starting a new poll... called "Asshole or Assholes (cause sometimes they travel in groups) of the week" basically i need you to mail me at mrfaice69@gmail.com with nonimation for this presigious event... most votes wins and then my friends that person or persons gets lambasted all over this blog for an entire day, it doesnt have to be a famous person... it can be anyone even Jaren....

Now for the Ginger Jokes...... Enjoy.....

Mr Faice

Facts:
1) What is Gingervitis?

Gingervitis is a serious hereditary disease caused by a recessive gene. It can lay dormant for years and two perfectly healthy parents can have Ginger Babies. Gingervitis affects millions of people worldwide. The symptoms of gingervitis include: Red hair, pale skin, and freckles, a “Soulless” feeling. Some Ginger Kids may show symptoms such as violence and depression. Although Gingervitis is not a life threatening disease it can be very serious. There is currently no known cure and very little treatment for Gingervitis.

2) Is Gingervitis contagious?

No, Ginger Kids are born with Gingervitis. It is hereditary and cannot be contracted in any other way.

3) Are Ginger Kids dangerous?

Although some Ginger Kids may be dangerous, many others are not. Ginger Kids do have a genetic predisposition towards anger and depression, but this is caused by their appearance and often times amplified by taunting and harassment. Contrary to popular belief, many Ginger Kids live healthy, happy lives.

4) Do Ginger Kids have Souls?

Unfortunately no, Ginger Kids are born without souls. A common misconception is that you need a soul to survive. This is completely false. Ginger Kids are people just like everyone else, even if they don’t have souls. Many Ginger Kids live happy, healthy, productive lives devoid of any sort of soul.

5) If a Ginger Kid bites me what should I do?

If you have been bitten by a Ginger Kid immediately wash the wound with soap and water. If you have alcohol or peroxide apply it to the wound

The Ginger Bet

A ginger and a blonde met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The ginger bet the blonde $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the blonde replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the ginger gave the blonde the $50.
The blonde said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.
The ginger said “No. A bet’s a bet”.
So the blonde said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.
“Well, so did I”, said the ginger, “but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Monday Morning

2011-02-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

Morning all...

I trust you had a awesome weekend and ready for the awaqiting week... to get us started today here are a couple of qoutes from one of my favourite comedians Mitch Hedburg:

I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't you even act like I didn't buy this donut! I have the receipt... damn ... I forgot it... at home... in the filing cabinet... under D... for donut."
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, only "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore", but I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch, do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why. That's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

Homer Simpson One Liners

2011-02-10T22:31:00.000-08:00

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me. 'Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss. 'Number three, 'it was like that when I got here."

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

Well, let’s just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, ‘Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.’

Owned and PhotoBombs

2011-02-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

Woman Driver me thinks...................

The Church Of VADER...........

CHEWWY.... would scare the shit out of most Baseball players.... especially on METH

Yes that is a pole and it seems to be very stable........

Self Portrait FAIL............ So Vain............

"daddy please dont flush, please i promise i'll be good and fetch your beers from the fridge.....

Mine.......

The First Funnies

2011-02-10T04:19:00.000-08:00

What is Round and hates Julius Malema?

The World...

What is the best way to get an EMO out of a tree?

Cut the rope...

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm, says to the barman "can i have a double brandy and coke, and one for the road"

Thats enough of the one liners.... Here are a couple of things that have recently perplexed me...

1. Alien Anal Probes... they travel across galaxies to stick stuff up somebodies bum? surely they can do that on their own planet..?

2. Vespa Scooters... no matter how cool you are or how fuel effeciant they are surely people realise they look like complete tools on them... especially if they have those stupid poep bucket helmets as well...WTF?

3. The Guy in the Red SLS Merc i saw this morning... Too fat to get in and out of it without the help of his 20 year younger Girlfriend... Somebody should ask her if she is happy with a Wrinkly Winky :-)

4. Walking into a tyre and wheel shop with a flat tyre under my arm, to have the Wookie behind the counter ask in his "Big Boy" voice "have you got a punture?".... no asshole i dont, i often browse tyre shops for stuff i need for the house, and this under my arm? oh its my girlfriends new designer purse from Bridgestone... STUPID!!!!

Thats all for today boys and girls...

Tomorrow will be some funny pics and hopefully a video of somebodies feet on fire.....

Peace

Welcome to the World of Blog...

2011-02-10T03:48:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Step right up...

Well i think thats how it goes :-) Welcome to my Blog, its nothing Fancy and has very little value apart from some Humour and maybe a slightly different way of seeing things. The plan is a selection of jokes and funnies updated a couple of times a week, to help us laugh a little while we sit at our jobs wasting away, working for "the Man" or "WoMan"

This is not going to be a serious Blog and serious conversation about Religion or Politics will be frowned upon :-) Notice that i said "Serious", you are more than welcome to be judgemental, sarcastic and mean, as long as it doesnt turn into a face slapping match (unless both chicks or hot)

Do not expect the most correct spelling and grammer eventhough i will try and keep it as legible as possible... The jokes and funnies posted on this Blog will in no way be based in any other genre of thinking other than HUMOUR... this means that if i post a Blonde Joke it doesn't mean i hate Blondes or think they are Dumb... it just means that i thought it was Funny, same goes for Religious jokes, Animal jokes, Human jokes, Irish jokes, Greek jokes etc etc... in a nutshell the jokes and pics and funny videos that will be found on this Blog are intended for HUMOUR and nothing else...

Now that thats out the way... I hope you'll like the Blog and it will help eliviate the mundane suffering of the working world and will pick you up and make you laugh when you need it most....

Peace and Chicken Grease

Mr Faice