Where Earthy Meets Eternal

Optimism Has Left Me Without Hope

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Thu, 14 Feb 2013 04:51:00 +0000

For all the optimism that is usually pouring out of me, I've lately had the feeling that I've been abandoned by optimism herself. Perhaps she saw me as a stalker; I am hyper-groovy about peace and love and always believe in happy outcomes when none seem possible. She must be overworked and tired from the constant demands on her time and energy that my frequent overuse of her sentiment incurred. It certainly seems I've fallen on optimism's pessimistic side; she apparently believes I have no redeeming qualities and has tiptoed out of town without leaving a forwarding address. She never returns my calls, either.

It's clear that optimism and I are on the rocks, relationship-wise. But like a crippled co-dependent, I wait optimistically for her return knowing she can't stay away for long. We've been through too much together.
Through deaths and divorces and sickness, she and I have bonded tightly, clinging to a hopeful future and seeking solace in the possibility of a brighter tomorrow. She has clung to my side as I traipsed across Europe with one baby, then two; she stuck by me when loved ones went off to war. She heard my plaintive cries for help through my master's degree, especially Statistics which would have made a pessimist out of anyone. But not me, because optimism was on my side.

Perhaps it was the flush of victory and the thrill of coming through so many moments of horror, not unscathed, but certainly blooming with hope, but I think optimism herself began to feel a little slighted. It was as if I believed I'd done it all myself without her help. I believe the final blow came when I referred to her as "my bitch."

As I finally began to bask in optimism's glory, she left me, felled to the ground and leaving me with no way to stand on my own. What I'm left with now is nothing less than pessimism, her ugly cousin. Pessimism doesn't allow me to stand unaided; instead it keeps me groveling where optimism left me, on the ground and flailing. Pessimism kicks a little dirt in my face for good measure.
I must find a way to appease optimism and lure her back to my side. But it is hard for her to find me when I'm trapped behind pessimism's translucent veil.

Search as I might, I can't seem to find the magical key to unlock her fickle heart and bring her near again. Pessimism is severely complicating the issue. So I will wait. I will silence the din of pessimism's howl and pierce the veil of my holding. I will wait for the return of the open mind and open heart. I will wait for the arrival of her joyous promises of a brighter future, knowing she will hear this song of mine, a song I have loaded with hope; for HOPE is the magic melody that only she can hear.

Ordinary World?

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 20 Jan 2013 21:51:00 +0000

I'm laying quietly and simply among the covers on this random January day. It's warm and a breeze is blowing through the open window. I've barely been out of bed today; the incentive isn't there. The pain from my recent hip surgery still plagues me and my recent bout of pneumonia has done nothing to encourage my movement. So I simply lay among the covers and consider my life over these last months and attempt to place a template of perspective on it. My body needs reminding that my life is not over and that healing is actually coming. But in the darkness of winter it is difficult to tell yourself such things and actually believe them. The heart has taken hold of a much sorrier story, that of my own slow and painful demise. It's a beautiful story but it is not mine. I need to stand up and use the leg that has become so troublesome. The time of my convalescence is nearing the end and while I am relieved at the thought of returning to life as I know it, I will be sad to leave this womb-like state for all the comfort it has offered; my fuzzy, wuzzy mother-bed.
My body knows no balance; I will have to teach it discipline again. It can't be either all work or all rest. It has to be a gradual balance of both, but I don't yet know my limits and being too much of either extreme frightens me. It's amazing how the body can heal so much more quickly from disease than the mind. If my mind was willing, I'm sure I could push this hip forward today to accomplish something, if not great, at least useful. But the mind has yet to agree to such a bargain and I'm afraid that until the two strike a deal, this is where I shall lay.

A Child's Mess with Words...or Poems...Something

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 02:49:00 +0000

"Words...
Spinning round my head
Other thoughts have fled
Twirling round with ease
Like a light spring breeze
Words....
Shiny like brass
Coming out my ass..."

"This is supposed to be a children's poem," she rudely interrupts.

"I know."

Blank stare.

"I mean. No. I know. Yes it was just a test."

She isn't amused.

A heavy sigh, she signals again:

"Please, please try to focus..."

"This is not a very good children's poem," I smile.

"You're not funny."

Ouch.

Letting Go

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 19:40:00 +0000

I've worked hard to dig out the root of the fear in my life and to let it go. I've identified some key moments in my life that I think are the cause of much of it ; just recognizing that is a breakthrough. But I took it a step further and did my best to forgive myself, forgive those who have hurt me and to take a deep breath and let GO of the things that have hurt me in the past.

You see, the thing is, I can't afford to live there anymore and I can't afford to have all of it coming forward blanketing me in negativity. Suppressing it is not the answer; bringing it out into the light, staring at it, letting it hurt and then saying, "It's okay, it's over now." -- THAT goes a long way towards healing.

I refuse to stay stuck in old patterns. Instead, I stand ready to remain open to all the love in my life, which is present in so many forms. I am creating the reality around me that will bring me that which I seek...and in fact, in many ways I've already done that. I've discovered that I am the soul I've been seeking, I am the soul I've been longing to connect with. Everything I need and everything I could want is already inside me. It’s that way for all of us, we’re all self-contained, perfectly proportioned units of everything we could ever want and need out of life. All we need do is look INSIDE rather than outside for our own answers.

Releasing an attachment to outcomes is extremely difficult, but if I'm to stay emotionally honest with myself then it's time I exercised this power; or rather, that I relinquished such tight control over how things turn out. I don't have the power to determine how anyone else feels about me or about the circumstances of anyone’s life. What I do have the power to do is to open my life to possibilities, to stand ready to embrace whatever comes, to remain unattached to the outcome by trusting that God or the universe actually does know better than I.

My conviction is thus: I will surrender to the flow as life begins to unfold before me. I am at peace. I am complete with who I am and where I am in my life even if I am sad or suffering,. This kind of inner contentment has been a long time coming. I am grateful, ever so grateful, for all that I've been given. No matter what happens, I refuse to fear and I refuse to place my fears (in the guise of expectation and disappointment) on anyone else. This life, when all is said and done, is all about love. Love is meant to be unconditional, unobstructed and unending. It is not based on any pretext or subversive desire; it is founded only in the power of what is good...because where there is love, there can no longer be fear. So today I am letting go. No more fear. Only love.

Joey

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sat, 29 Dec 2012 19:34:00 +0000

In the scheme of things, this is not my loss to grieve. There is a family. There are children. And a wife. There are brothers and parents and aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews and friends and all the usual acquaintances. This is THEIR loss to grieve, not mine. Yet there is something unique and grievous that I feel, something quiet and simmering that doesn’t deserve a card or sympathy of any kind. Rather, it is the kind of loss that tugs a little stronger at the heart than the usual evening news and leaves behind a little hole of silence where once there was a small flutter.

Joey was my first love. We all have one. Joey was mine.

Joey was killed in a car accident yesterday. He was horribly and violently ripped from life and thrust into whatever comes next, probably before he even realized what was happening. In doing so, he leaves behind an entire life of people who will need to grieve deeply and learn to function without him. I have no such pretense. It’s been 20 years or more since I’ve even seen him. But his memory occupies a space in me that died just a little with him and it’s not something I can easily ignore.

There was a group of us, all friends in some way and we watched each other grow from children into young adults. Joey was part of that group. To me, he always stood a little taller than the other boys, always looked a little different, always gave me a different feeling. Only when I became a teenager did I realize it was because I had a raging crush on Joey. Everything about him made me swoon. He was a little bigger than the other boys, broad shouldered and tall and muscular. He had blonde curls and a wicked smile. He was a little devious, intense and secretive, but when he let you into his world, it felt like you had won the golden ticket.

I remember the way he made me feel more than I really remember HIM. It’s been so many years that many of the details of him have faded. The man he had become is vastly unknown to me. There were some vague reconnections across social media and through mutual friends over the years, but nothing broad or deep or even that direct and, to be honest, I had no expectations otherwise. But deep inside me, there still lives the boy who made me swim in lust and admiration and excitement and fear. There still lives in me the young girl who leapt at him and drank in whatever he was willing to share. He was the one who made me feel things that I didn’t know I was capable of. He was the one who introduced me to what it felt like to be a woman. He scared me and made me a little crazy and he left something of himself in me that transcends time and distance.

Through time and in this real life, I never expected to see him again. But somewhere in me is still that girl that longed, just for a moment, to feel again the way I once did in his presence. First love is personal and universal all at once. It’s beautiful and fragile and it lingers on inside of us long after the feelings have subsided. It leaves an opening to that moment when we discover that love is so much more than we ever imagined; it leaves behind tiny footprints of who we were that show us the path to how we 've become who we ARE. First love is tragic in its essence because it almost NEVER lasts, but it does live forever inside of us. It breathes the innocence of youth.

The finality of Joey’s death takes something away from that. It locks a door that has always been left slightly ajar.

With Joey goes a little more of my youth, a little bit of optimism, a little bit of the expansiveness that first love brings. Joey’s death brings a familiar but sad reminder that all of life is fleeting and that the moments we cherish never actually do come around again. It reminds me that it’s important to tell people how they make us feel, especially when those feelings are loving, rather than waiting until they’re gone. It reminds me that, if I’m being honest with myself, none of us actually really understands why we’re living this life in the first place. It forces me to stare down the black hole of uncertainty that surrounds life and death and ponder the nature of why we’re here, why do we feel such joy only to lose it just as quickly? Why do we live moments that we never get back again? Why do we long for a past that we can embrace no more than a thin fog? This is the luxury of thought that comes with the type of grief that doesn’t rock your entire world, but rather refocuses life through different lenses.

My heart aches for Joey’s family. I’ve been through my share of sorrows in this life to know well how loss tears the fabric of your life into shards. The simple act of restitching your life back together takes the effort of Sisyphus, constantly pushing the boulder up the mountain only to have it roll back down again. And when you finally reconstruct the pieces of you into something resembling a life again, you discover it doesn’t resemble anything you’ve ever known before. It can be good. It can be bad. It can be emotionally eviscerating. For Joey's family, it will hurt forever. Over time, my sadness over Joey’s death will level out and I will stop coming back to it 100 times a day. Maybe next week, I’ll only think of it 50 times a day, and the week after only 20 times. But when I come back to visit that place inside me where Joey and my first love reside, something will always be missing.

Rest in peace, Joey, and know you were loved.

my divine

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 04:38:00 +0000

There is nothing that compares

To when we touch

No precedent

For the feeling of your soul

As it rises up to meet me

Every time our lips part

To kiss.

For when your lips touch me

We’re joined

Because we are connected.

The blood of the earth

Flows through us.

I can feel a thousand stars explode

And touch the face of god

Through you.

Through you I can know

I can finally feel

What it’s like to love and be loved.

What we’ve made here is something more than ourselves

We’ve connected to heaven through earth

We’ve been kissed by creation

By stardust, by time

As we partake in this ritual our ancestors know well.

The orgasmic shattering of that mystical door,

The partition between ourselves

And the divine

Joins us together

And unites us with what makes us all one.

It is so much more beautiful than I ever imagined...

The Shape of Me

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 01:16:00 +0000

It's like a quiet disappointment. A frozen strand of hope. The silent crashing of one crystal vessel...shattered to a million pieces without making a sound. So my heart stands broken, frozen in time and space, still and quiet with no plans to move or grow or breathe. My heart wants nothing, it yearns no longer, it feels no pain, no sorrow, no grief, no agony; nor does it feel any joy, any awakening, any love, any adoration or any hope whatsoever. I am but a plastic life form set in motion by a loveless universe, here to complete my earthly tasks like some robot programmed by a maniacal creator. I will go about my days and nights and seek nothing, feel nothing, be nothing and hope for nothing. All I have is what IS. Nothing more is coming, nothing more is possible.

For all that I hoped for, all that I longed for, all that I believed was true is no longer. No amount of faith can make true what doesn't exist. I cannot wish into existence a love that isn't real, nor can I change him or his life or his decisions. I cannot look to this god for comfort for it is this god who has slapped me so hard, awakening me from the dream that I perpetuated in my blindness. It was not god that I saw, not god who guided me. For god is only some unfeeling, uncaring, distant prime mover who cares not for our trivial lives or desires nor for the stories we tell ourselves. All that I believed in, everything that gave me joy, it was all nothing more than my own thoughts and dreams.

I believe in nothing anymore. No god. No dream. No love. No hope. No joy. No pain. Belief is immaterial to my programming. The joy I felt with you was nothing more than a glitch in my brain mass. It wasn't any of the things I believed it to be, wasn't the universe telling us something nor was it god speaking through you to me; the earth wasn't really moving beneath me when you touched me. You and I didn't actually become one when we made love. My heart didn't actually overflow with love when I thought of you. My soul never cried out for you nor did it really recognize you at first glance; it was nothing more than my misguided misinterpretation of neuronal interaction.

These glitches in my mind have done nothing to help me, done nothing to make me happier. Perhaps they provided a period of time, the time I spent with you, that I thought or believed that I was happy. I believed I was joyful and that God was smiling on me.
I was wrong.

It's better I recognize the reality of actual living, that we don't get to create our own happiness nor do we have choices about our own lives. We think we do, but in the end we really don't; we're trapped adhering to our pre-written protocol. Those moments of sheer joy and utter bliss that I spent in your arms are not real life; real life does not ever feel so good. Real life is THIS, is what I am now, is life minus the feeling, minus the ups and downs and the trap of belief and the lies of faith. Love is an obligation not a feeling; feeling is extraneous, is useless, is overrated, is a waste of time. The love I have felt for you must have been an illusion, part of the neuronal overload, a sad glitch in an overworked system. Any lingering love, those moments of intense feeling that grip my heart and produce a physical feeling of suffocation in my chest -- those feelings are the remnants of my recovering mind and heart as they bounce back from the depths to which they sunk during that time that I was so filled with feelings. Too much feeling will ruin my life.

In order to protect myself from this danger in the future, I will stand guard against feelings whenever they threaten to creep into my life again. In fact, it is better that I remain stolid, unfeeling and cold. I will accomplish more, I will feel less and will generally be more productive. I seek nothing and no one to warm me, nothing to move me to feel. Much better that I should march forward and never, ever feel that way again lest I lose my mind for good. My heart is not needed; it can exist locked away. My mind is something I need but when engaged with my heart, it becomes useless therefore it is much better that the heart will no longer entice, no longer tempt, no longer whisper dangerous words of longing and desire to my mind. I've broken, frozen and packed away the shards of my heart he left behind, no longer to be brought back out. Only now is my mind safe to proceed without the temptation of the heart. With it, my heart takes all its feelings, all the love, all the pain, all the hope and faith....and good riddance. Without it, my mind can function, can focus, can move on without you.

But woe to the accident of fate that might awaken my sleeping heart....for only YOU exist inside. If my heart is ever to feel you again, that awakening will pour forth such passion the likes of which will overwhelm my senses and destroy my equilibrium. To liberate my love for you from its dark sleep would take a miracle; it could only be done by you and for you.
Without you to share it, it would become nothing more than the instrument of my own death.

Hope Is a Gaping Hole

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 13:30:00 +0000

There is a gaping hole, still; a void that was never here before. In this fully wonderful life that I lead, I opened up and made room for you because I wanted to, because love always has more room to share. But the withdrawal was so intense and so devastating, torn away from me so harshly, that love flaps like a deflated balloon. That space created just for you still there, and will probably always be there for you in some way, but it feels like an empty home that's been vandalized.

Rather than trying to scoop meaningless flotsam into the void, I'm just sitting here holding this "thing" - this empty sphere, just sitting with it and feeling its emptiness. What other choice do I have?

I'm getting on with life because I have to, because I have other things, other people that I love, who love me, who depend on me and ignoring all of it isn't a choice. Or at least isn't a choice I would make. But I wonder about you every single day. I think of you. I dream of you. And I know I'll never see you again. Never hold you. Never feel you breathing against me. Never feel your hands or hear you whisper to me. Never see your smile. Never hear your thoughts. But I still hold your soul. Pieces of you stay with me, will be with me forever. Nothing can change that.

frozen

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 17:32:00 +0000

frozen in time
a place i never want to leave
but know i must

wondering of the cruelest
actions of man
the choices of god
lead us where we've been

when each step
seems to take us farther
from where we want to go

what is the plan?
what is the point?
where is the reason?

you ask me to trust
you ask me to let go
how can god have a plan?
what happens to our will?

i can't believe
a loving god
plans for so much pain
that is not the god i believe in

i can only surrender so much to you
before i give up
when you leave me so little to believe in
o great and mighty god

i have emptied my heart and soul for you
and come up empty handed
sorrowful
what then do you want from me?
what more can i give?

everything in me is frozen

empty
barren
don't ask for anything
i have nothing to give
not now

i wait for the thaw
view the destruction
and at last see the smallest buds
of new life...
maybe then, god
maybe then i will understand

Companion to Our Demons

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 24 Oct 2010 05:51:00 +0000

And I fear

I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There's nothing I'd like better

Than to fall....

I've felt for so long that I have nothing at all to give. For so long I've been an empty shell, a shadow of the me I used to be. Now I have grown into the fullness of the woman that I've always been inside. It's taken time. It's been slow.

But now that I have so much to give, you quiver at my touch. The sound of love falls like clashing cymbals down a set of metal steps, blood-curdling and inducing a fight or flight reaction. These are the demons you live with, the demons I share. We all walk hand in hand with the deepest beast inside of us, though at times we choose to bury it. Bringing it to the surface to coexist with everything that we are is the only way to take the sting out of its bite. Exposing it to the light of our lives and our love boils it down to nothing more than a sticky sap, something inconvenient but bearable.

I've cried like you, I've died a thousand deaths like you, though our demons may be different. I've hidden myself away, unnoticed by time, unnoticed by love. Too afraid to feel the pain, even the most wonderful feelings get buried in the rush to avoid what is so unpleasant. The larger part of you is trembling at the touch of love, terrified by the pinprick of its searing heat. Even the smallest show of love throws up your walls, the pain too much to bear, even to endure the beauty of love. When you've lost too much, this is the response. It becomes a twisted knot to untangle the pleasure from the pain, so the pleasure dies with it. But deep inside the soul there still lurks an innocent; pure and beautiful and bright, it is your essence waiting to be rediscovered, uncovered, brought to the surface, no matter the consequence.

Wind and time

Rapes the flower

Trembling on the vine

Nothing yields to shelter it

Without taking a leap of faith, without the risk of losing, there is no life. Trees don't cease to grow because they fear losing their leaves; crocuses don't stop forcing their way through the late winter snow because they fear the cold; caterpillars don't decide not to become butterflies because they fear turning to liquid inside their chrysalis. Love is in our nature and we cannot stop it, no matter how our ego tries to protect us from whatever baggage we have attached to love over time. Keeping this in mind, feel love in your life and focus on any other feelings that surface along with it. If love produces anxiety, ask it why...if it produces anger, trace it back and find what happened...if love causes fear, consider your life and your history. The things that have gone wrong in the past when we've loved and been loved become attached to our expression of love no matter how outlandish or inappropriate they may be. It's called conditioning.

We then avoid love because we avoid the association of what we've learned accompanies love, even when we're wrong. The avoidance is our mind's way of protecting us. But we are so much more than our fragile egos say we are. Our hearts and souls speak so much louder than our minds. Our inner life force comes from those places, sometimes so quiet it is softer than a whisper; sometimes we have to strain to hear its voice. It's hard to do over the constant chatter of our hyperactive brains, but it is possible. When we can silence that chatter or at least hear past it, we can feel the presence of our essence and from there we will feel the pure exhilaration of love without the baggage, without the fear and the pain.

These beasts will always be with us. Learn to love your demons because they are your constant companion. But then tell them to take the night off. You and love are going to spend some time alone.

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead. ~ Bertrand Russell

I am so ready to fall....

Beatific Vision

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 16:56:00 +0000

You've opened my eyes

to a world inside you

a world I never knew existed

someplace beyond this earthly realm

that I never dared to dream about

You bring together all of the hope

all of the love

all of the ideals

that I have ever witnessed

and exalted them beyond my wildest dreams.

You are the mirror

through which I can see God.

For what more is the search for love

in this earthly life

than to have some tangible reminder

that we are loved by God?

Silent but Deadly

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 23:45:00 +0000

The downfall of almost every man is his inability to communicate clearly how he feels with the women in his life. This has been my experience in so many of the relationships I've had. I continue to wish that we could all feel free to simply express how we truly feel without fear. There is no worse feeling than getting into a relationship up to your eyeballs with someone, only to have them backpedal their way out because they misspoke early on. You know what, It's OKAY to say you don't like me anymore. Let me move on and find someone else! I'd so much rather someone say that to me than to string me along out of fear of speaking the truth.

The pinnacle of this callousness is to have someone profess to LOVE you but then start to worm away from you - not for lack of love, they say - but because of random, nonsensical reasons that don't add up, like being suddenly busy all the time. Oh my GOD! Just SAY IT! Whatever it is. It could be that "I said I loved you but I was really just excited by the sex," or perhaps, "This is much more complicated than I wanted it to be." You get the idea. Making stuff up is no way to end a relationship. I'd so much rather someone be honest with me about how they feel. But that is another downfall of man, that the mere SPEAKING of a feeling OUT LOUD is tantamount to emasculation.

"Oh,no! I said 'I love you.' Now what if she expects something from me?"

OR

"I told her she makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Now I feel stupid."

Part of being in a relationship with someone is sharing your vulnerability with another person. If you can't make yourself vulnerable, there is no relationship. When women sit and cry around a pint of ice cream, we are being vulnerable with each other and it creates a bond that lasts forever. Men could take a lesson from this.

Vulnerability = intimacy.

TRUTH.

Then there is the perception that most women are just one nervous breakdown away from boiling your bunny. I'm sick of men using that as a defense. How does an otherwise competent, intelligent woman suddenly morph into a bunny-boiler? Because of a man who toyed with her emotions, maybe even used the "L" word, made her feel adored and special, and then suddenly started to withdraw to the point that he's almost invisible. WHAT HAPPENED? For the love of all that is holy, own up to your feelings! I'd much rather you tell me that you just aren't feeling it anymore, or that things are moving too fast and you want to slow down, or that you feel overwhelmed. I'm not a mind reader; you have to tell me what's going on inside that head. Let's talk about it! It's like magic, I know. We can actually TALK with one another about our concerns and VOILA! A solution might magically appear!

You see, women know this already, we know that if you'd just spare us your shrinking and worming away and withdrawing and generally acting like a scared little girl, and instead used your BIG BOY WORDS - even when it's to convey something unpleasant - that, ultimately things turn out better in the end. Honesty can hurt sometimes, but generally speaking (and exempting true psychos) no one is going to boil a bunny when they feel they've been treated with honesty and respect. But when you try to worm out of the difficult conversations, then bunnies may sometimes be boiled.

The thing is, women are very good at reading non-verbal communication, or reading between the lines of your "heartfelt" text message or email where you supposedly expressed your deepest emotions. We can tell when something just doesn't add up. That's when we start to get paranoid and pissed off. We know something isn't right; your body language tells us something isn’t right. And nothing is sitting right with us.

This is when we throw our hands up in frustration and say, “JUST SPIT IT OUT!"

Stop being afraid to say how you feel. Don't insult our intelligence or placate us with sweet talk. If you're done with the relationship, just say so! Trying to dress dog shit with frosting and sprinkles doesn't mean it's not dog shit; it just means something is really wrong with you that you'd even do that!

And EW you touched DOG SHIT!

I'm exhausted with trying to get men to communicate and I'm tired of the bullshit "men are from mars" blah blah blah. Enough with the euphemisms; grow a pair of cajones and SAY HOW YOU FEEL! It's not rocket science. Even a preschooler knows how he feels, it's just as he's socialized that he learns to beat that impulse out of himself until he's left simply drooling on himself out of utter confusion as to what to do and how to talk to a woman.

It's not the things you say, it's the things you DON'T that cause us the most pain usually. It's your reluctance to share that hurts so much. In the end, it's your silence that ends up being the death knell to what was once a promising relationship.

Movement of Soul

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:35:00 +0000

The parts of you that you keep hidden
that you think no one else can see
I can feel them resonating deeply
Your power is not lost on me

Singularity

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 02:42:00 +0000

There are really and truly just way too many people in the world. I’m not making a value judgment in saying that but rather making a comment about the limits of one lifetime to truly discover the nature of humanity. How is it possible that we say we know what we like in another person when we could never meet most of the inhabitants of the world?

I declare I have met almost half of the inhabitants of the world. Oh alright, maybe just a fourth of them. Or at least a good number of the males clustered around the Washington DC area over the last two years or so; that’s still a lot of people. I long ago stopped keeping track of those kinds of numbers and, in terms of dating I have no earthly idea how many men I’ve met and rejected right out of hand, but I dare say it’s about three times as many as the number who made it to a second date – and probably ten to twenty times as many as those who made it to something more intimate.

Put that against the number of men who didn’t even pass first muster based on whatever medieval precision instrument it is that I use to gauge such things as suitability for dating. That adds up to a lot of people who didn’t feel “right” to me for whatever reason.

Everyone goes through a similar vetting process; I’m not claiming to be unique. What I am pointing out, however, is how truly special it is when you DO meet someone who makes you feel wonderful. Of all the people there are out there and of all those who might be attracted to you in some way, narrowed down to those you like and find attractive, then further narrowed to that person who sounds all the alarms in your body alerting you to the fact that someone special has entered the area. Narrow it down AGAIN if you make that person also feel the same way and it becomes clear that love is a total crap shoot. When we are lucky enough to find it, why do so many of us treat love so badly? What has love ever done to us? It’s not love’s fault that our brains are so limited that we can’t untangle the difference between pure love and disappointment, fear or jealousy. Yet we blame love.

Our human limitations are not love’s fault. Rather than blame love, we should be bowing down and thanking love every time someone loves us, every time we share a special bond with someone.

We would never mistreat the other rare things in life. Think of a diamond. It’s given special treatment, high value, a place of honor, a delicate yet strong space for storage; it’s highly prized and gently handled. Because the process of finding a diamond is so intense, when we are actually privileged enough to have one, we treat it specially and with great care. Why is this not true of love?

Love is rare and beautiful. It is a gift of the highest order. Love squandered is a tragedy of divine proportions.

Psalm

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 21:47:00 +0000

so long have i waited

watched

and weathered

storms and terror

night and vicious day

day and and the torture of night

all without you.

i've waited lifetimes

watched for eons

as stars formed above

rose

shined

brought forth life

and then died

in a penetrating explosion

reaching through time and space

all the while i've waited

for you.

the earth spins

mountains collapse

fires, floods, earthquakes

ravage the pristine earth

robbing us of our treasures

of each other.

families torn apart by disaster

either nature or war

the folly of man

how many have been born and died

how many lifetimes have passed before our eyes

since i've seen you?

since i've felt you?

since i've been one with you?

let me become one with you.

bring to me the torture in your soul

the lifetimes you've endured while you've waited

searching

for relief from this life

from the terrorists of nighttime

empty it all at the entrance to my chamber

dive into me

and emerge baptized

renewed.

see in me the gods and goddesses

the power of soul

the movement of the divine

that i see in you

feel it in my every breath

let every touch bring life

let every sigh erase death

let every kiss empower

embolden

emblazen

encircle

then arise and greet the new you

imbued and injected with your own power

unleashed.

as you fill

so am i filled

as you feed

so am i fed

as you live

so am i alive

when you arrive

the storms shall clear

sins are pardoned

death no longer contains us

but liberates us

through you, through me

we find that life,

that love,

that the overwhelming power of the pounding penetration

permeates to the primordial plane

the perspicacity of our union...

and we are forever changed.

no longer do i wait.

i am.

HURT

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Mon, 17 May 2010 05:46:00 +0000

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know goes away

In the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt
********************************
I didn't expect it to hurt quite so much, this goodbye. Nobody likes goodbyes anyway, but we can anticipate them sometimes and cushion the blow by being ready. Or at least we think we can. I tried to will myself, to steel myself against the pain I knew would come, thinking that might take the sting away. I should know better after all these years that it doesn't work that way. The pain still comes, and oftentimes in different ways than you anticipated. Sometimes it comes in waves, others it stabs and stings. The mind conjures up moments and images that were once "forgotten," now so vivid and omnipresent. How did it end up this way? Where did things come unglued?

I may never know.

No Place for the Timid

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Mon, 10 May 2010 04:17:00 +0000

---- On the base at Ft Bliss just today he sat down to the flask
and his fist ain't been sober since maybe October of last year.
Given time you can tell he's been down for awhile
But my GOD he's so beautiful
When he smiles, I just want to hold him -----

"There has to be light at the end of this tunnel!!!!!"
we shout.
But we're just as far in as we'll ever be out....

Memorial Day is coming soon.

I remember.

I remember watching you leave
the day the war became personal
I remember the way my blood froze
and the world felt like it was spinning out of control
when I realized I might never see you again
or if I did
you'd be in pieces.

I remember hearing the news.
I remember the chill in my spine
The way my body clenched
I remember I stopped breathing
when I saw you for the first time without your leg.

Remembering...
ALL OF YOU

ALL OF YOU who have passed this way

Who have traveled this road
Who have bled for me, for all of us
Your blood, your sweat, your tears,
Your hearts and souls,
Pouring all of yourselves into the task at hand
Regardless of its hazards

Some of you losing your lives

Surrounded by sand and shrapnel

Leaving your blood smeared across a strange land
Surrounded by your brothers
All so far from where you belong.
Too far from home.

For those of you whom the war followed home
For whom it lives in your very soul
For those of you that combat revisits
Every time you close your eyes
It is then you can see your friends
Your brothers
Taken from this life too soon.
It is they who haunt you
to your very core.

For my friends

near or far

alive or dead

wounded

surviving
getting by
For all of you who've done it
What more do I have that I can offer you
Besides my words, my love and my eternal gratitude?
We will never forget what you've done here.

I promise you I will

NEVER FORGET.

~eileen~

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

~Theodore Roosevelt, Sorbonne, Paris - April 23, 1910~

Single Mom Dreaming

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:12:00 +0000

I just thought I'd note...

Being a single parent SUCKS!

Most days I'm fine. Most days I just live my life. But then something happens and I realize how hard this is to do alone. My ex and I might TRY to work together to parent our kids, but really it's two separate efforts.

There are days I just want someone to turn to, someone to console me when I'm sad or to comfort me when I'm exhausted. There are days when it is just too much, when I've done all I can do and there is still so much left undone and I'm the only Superhero within shouting distance who can come to the rescue. There really is no one else to take up the slack; I'm the only responsible adult here.

Generally, it's okay. I don't mind parenting alone. In fact, I'm used to it. My ex was gone so much when we were married that I hardly even noticed when we separated. The only thing that made his absence truly stand out was that our fights were louder. Oh, and I had less furniture.

So honestly, I can do these things alone. But at the end of a hard day when I collapse into bed tired and despondent and worried as hell that my kids are going to grow up miserable and misguided because of all we've done to them -- those are the days when I wish I had someone in my corner. I wish there was someone who would put ME first, or at least near the top of the list. I wish there was someone who cared when I was feeling overwhelmed. I wish there was someone who didn't always WANT something from me but who was content just to be there for me. In no way do I want to rush this experience of "relationship" again; that has been an unmitigated disaster! The longing I have is probably more ethereal and less real. It's a dream that has no resolution or satisfaction.

Still, I continue to dream....

Angry, Frustrated and Tired

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 23:20:00 +0000

The feeling when someone else lets you down leaves such a heavy, bitter taste in the mouth. It feels like a major weight pressing you down, scrambling your brain and your heart while you try to refocus on the present moment minus the person who let you down. Sometimes, the same person can let you down over and over and over again and there is nothing you can do about it.

I refer here, of course, to my ex-husband.

We've been apart long enough now that I'm pretty accustomed to feeling let down by him and I'm used to dealing with the emotional consequences of that. What I cannot tolerate is when he lets our children down. He's been doing THAT particular thing for too long and I will not allow him to continue it.

He doesn't need to agree with me; I can accept that he has a different point of view about things. We parent differently, we're totally different people with barely a thing in common. How we managed to stay married so long I'll never know. I'm just stubborn and tenacious; he wasn't around enough to care. But our differences have often driven a huge wedge in our relationship. The relationship we have now, as divorced co-parents of these remarkable kids, is sometimes strained past the point that either of us can cope. Oftentimes, I just flat out DISLIKE him. Often, I question his values and I wonder if he remembers to put the best interest of our children before his own need to be right. THAT, more than anything, makes me angry. There is one thing he has done consistently and that's put his own needs first. I don't know what makes me think that will stop now that we're divorced; in fact, it should probably get worse. But he seems to think he's a MUCH better father now. I think the only reason he feels that way is that he's forced to be a father all by himself without me to help him. It's been a steep learning curve. The fact that he's managed to "parent" without me for a little over a year does not necessarily a great father make. What it makes him is a probational father; the jury is still out on this one. Today hasn't really had much sway with the jurors.

I honestly don't even know what point I'm trying to make. I am just so angry and disappointed with him and with the way things have turned out. Our family is so fractured, our kids are so wounded. And he still can't stop putting his need to be right before the needs of other people. No matter what, he rules. I cannot live that way.

I told him today that I was not asking his permission to do what I wanted to do with our son - which is related to his education. As usual, I felt like I was peddling an outlandish idea to daddy who would just pat my head and turn me away saying, "silly girl." Fuck that! That is not going to work anymore. For years I've accepted him treating me as less of a person because I'm so different from him, because my abilities and dreams are so "out there" compared to him. I don't accept that anymore. Who I am is no less valuable and by extension, his son, because our son is so much like me. I won't allow my ex to put our son into a position that makes him feel like he's less of a person just becasue he's different. It happened to me for too long, but I won't allow it to happen to my children.

Somedays, I just wish something would be easy.

Filling the Open Spaces

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 19:34:00 +0000

How would it feel to take a vacation, a brief time away from the stream of my life?
What kind of vacation would I choose? So many ideas, options, so many ways to change the flow, to recharge and reconnect. Having the time to do so is such a precious gift, our lives as filled with busyness as they tend to be. So much busyness, so little REAL time, time to be, time to experience and feel and love and be loved. Why?

I don't want a big beach resort or a suite in Vegas overlooking the strip. I don't want to prowl the world eating new foods and speaking new languages; I've done that before - quite a lot actually - and right now, that's not what I need.

If I could take a vacation I would spend my time with YOU.

My life is so full, so bursting at the seams with busyness...what I need is a refresher...a space in time to remind myself that I am a woman. We don't have the luxury of time or place or emotion to allow full-fledged, full-time relationships to enter our lives. But we each have something the other needs, whatever that is, and that longing so desperately needs to be quenched. Something has nurtured a connection across time and distance. I don't pretend to know what nor do I care to conflate it with speculation about the future. All I know is...I want you.

I could probably fill that space with ...whatever. Other stuff. Hobbies. Interests. Friends. I could fill it with another man. But it wouldn't really be filled, only occupied. Something about you stirs me and moves me and engulfs me and replenishes me...I can only hope I do the same for you. You, too, could fill your spaces with other things....so many things.

Fill it with me.

S.N.A.F.U.

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 01:55:00 +0000

I have hit an interesting snafu in my plans for self-sufficiency: I hate being alone. No, seriously. In fact, it's been 20+ years since I've really been alone. There have always been men somewhere in my life. This feels....weird. I almost said "naked" but that would give the wrong connotation.

First, I started thinking about how painful and pitiful it is to be a single parent, at least in my view. My idea is that parenting is really best done together. It's not an easy job and doing it alone is just SO not what I was hoping for. It annoys the garbage out of me that nothing I ever hoped for really has turned out right. I really believe that a family has two parents, and even though my kids HAVE two parents, we're not together and we don't function as a team. It just sucks.

After all that, I was thinking about how lonely it is not having anyone in my life. Let's take a good look at this: it's barely been a week since I decided to stop seeing everyone. One week. Good God!!! I am in sorry shape indeed if I can barely go a week without some kind of man in my life. The worst part is, I can't think of any other activities that substitute for a man. I mean, I can try and sure I have lots to do, but when it comes down to it, wouldn't I rather be spending time with someone I care about?

Now, where is he?

Modern Life

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 15:40:00 +0000

Johnny says I'm outta here
Mary knows she's staying it alone.
Finding it hard to get along
Wondering about the price of a happy home.

Sometimes feels like we're caught in a landslide.
Sometimes everything seems to make no sense at all.

But it'll be alright
It's just the other side of crazy
It'll be alright
We're just living out a life on the big blue ball.

Now that I've released myself from so many things, I've given myself permission to GO AHEAD WITH MY LIFE!!!

I have spent the last two years after my divorce struggling with trying to make myself codependent with someone else, hoping someone would pick me up and carry me through. But what surprised me most of all....I have the strength to walk, even RUN now and I don't need to be carried.

I don't need to tend to broken men so that they'll "need" me or feel "grateful" which is really what I think I've been doing so I didn't have to limp through life alone. Somehow I thought it was just the giving side of me that wanted to accept and love a man that seemed dumped on by life. But there has been a nagging in my conscience that's been growing louder and it's now impossible to ignore. It's telling me that, although I do have a very tender side to me, it's not out of deep empathy and love that I've been doing these things. It's been a self-protection mechanism designed in my weird little subconscious mind to protect me from being alone. Here's the joyful discovery I've made - I DON'T NEED THAT!

All this time I've been thinking that the risk I've needed to take was a risk to jump into something new and unfamiliar...a relationship, sex, love, whatever....but this last relationship just proved to me that that is totally untrue. Those aren't the boundaries that need pushing. In fact, those boundaries need to stay firmly in place for me to remain the person that I am. What I needed to risk was myself....to stand up alone and look at my life honestly and see what needs doing. I need to admit to myself that my marriage is WAY over, that the men I've had in my life have been a drain on me and that the energy I've spent is energy I need elsewhere. I need to make my life MINE!!!!!

It's not easy being a single mother. It's especially not easy when you gave up a career years ago, like I did, to stay at home and raise children. It's even worse when you spent your married life giving your power to your spouse. In all the years I was married (15) my husband always did our finances, making me clueless and dependent. It's okay to be dependent on others in some way, but I realize now that I allowed myself to go blind in some areas so I didn't have to take care of them. I've paid the price for that, and it's sometimes felt overwhelming to climb out of that pit of fear of the unknown. But here I am finally standing on the top and I can tell you...the view is beautiful!

My life isn't perfect. But I've eliminated a lot of unnecessary flotsam; for instance, the random men that were supposed to make me feel better about myself, but ended up taking much more from me than they ever gave in return. I don't need that. I have two children to take care of who need me. My energy has been wasted, poured into virtual strangers who could barely give me the time of day. My life is better off without them and I am a stronger more confident person to be standing alone. In fact, I feel better standing alone rather than having something akin to a rock tied around my neck.

It still bothers me that my marriage didn't work out. It's not because I want to go back to the way it was, because that's just not possible. But I'm a person that doesn't give up on things and I will work tirelessly to find solutions. Everything, in my world, has a solution. To me, divorce is giving up. But that responsibility is not mine and I have to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself (until I can really believe it) that I did everything I could to save my marriage and repair our relationship. He even admits that, but also admits that he just didn't want the marriage anymore, that he just didn't want to be married, as if it was the institution itself and not just me that was really getting to him. But I won't ever get any answers from him that satisfy me or that will assuage the sadness and guilt I have. Those are mine to deal with and nothing he says will ever fix how I feel, regardless of how I harangue him.

I've spoken and written for so long about becoming the person I want to be and in my own mind, I've been that person for awhile. Now I'm ready to take her out for a test drive. Now it's time to stop thinking and just get out there and LIVE!

Numinous Fucking

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 06:51:00 +0000

you are a beautiful work of art

a creation direct from the soul of the divine

a masterpiece brought to life

animated with the breath of the big bang

lit by the light of the stars

wrapped in clouds and stained with earth

pulled from the heart of all that is beauty

made man

i seek to embrace the umbilical you

where man meets maker

the intersection of your divine wow

and your humanity

coming together to shake hands

with my inner gods and goddesses

to explore the sacred sanctum of my holiest hideout

and enrapture you with my blissful connections

to the point of light

from which we all emanate

pull from me

the energy you seek

i lay before you

a tomboy and a woman,

a soul and a pussy,

a body aflame with desire

that never extinguishes

even under the threat of all kinds

of misanthropy

opened to each other

we will find what we seek

joined in the now

we commingle forever

protein strands intertwined

as you travel through my glorious

black hole

over the event horizon

into our numinous fucking universe

Empty Shell

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:37:00 +0000

Chasing away the ones I want

My energy burns too bright.

Holding, chafing, you escaping

As usual I hold too tight

My desire unrefined

My plans were not concrete

Now nothing else that I encounter

Can make me feel complete

That empty aching in my heart

My body brought to rest

not having felt your skin's soft touch

Your face held to my breast

Where once you were a muse to me

I now feel stark and hollow

Your touch could light my soul on fire

Your words I sought to follow

Have mercy on me, I beseech

Take pity, hear my plea

Just once I want to feel you move

To have your skin on me

If ever then I relegate

This trembling, scorched desire

Somewhere out of reach of love

The consequences dire

No more will I feel this pain

No longer will I tremble

Now my outsides match my in

The shell that I resemble

Cracked and torn, antagonized

I need some time to heal

Til then I'll think of you and sigh

There's nothing left to do but deal....

Goodnight, Sweetheart

noreply@blogger.com (Eileen) — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:36:00 +0000

I just found out that the daughter of a very good friend has passed away.
She was only seventeen.

I've always known that this was coming. She was born with cystic fibrosis and has spent a good portion of her short life in the hospital or on some kind of breathing apparatus. Year after year we participated in the CF Walk and various CF spaghetti dinners, cookie sales, and other things to help their family raise money for CF research.

It sounds weird, but I never really expected this to happen. Their family and daughter have been part of my life for so many years that CF just seemed like a way of life.
I almost forgot it's also a cause of death.
Part of my heart goes with young L. and her family, all of whom I love dearly. I will always remember you, sweet girl, with a song in my heart, remembering all the ways you brought life and love to those around you. You who knew from the very start that your life would be brief, had a way of packing more life into the time you had than most people who lived much longer but merely existed.
We are going to miss you so much.