Where Emotions Meet Words

My Prayer

2013-12-18T18:26:00.000+08:00

Lord, even before I met her You know I wanted to be clean and righteous before You because I am so sinful. Lord, you know that it was my resolution, my goal to learn how to love, treat and respect girls the way you want me to. I was working on it God, with Your help. Then I met her in college, and Lord at that time I knew I could do all that with her. I could love, treat and respect her the way you wanted me to Lord. I wanted to be clean because of her, I wanted to be righteous. God, somehow I felt so strongly for her. Is it not You who put that love in my heart for her? But Father even then, in my nervousness before I confessed to her, I prayed to You. Lord, I prayed this prayer: "Father, if she is not the one for me, then so be it." God, You know everything. You know I would stumble and fall into sin in my relationship with her. So, Lord why would you put me in this relationship then if she had no purpose in my life but to draw me away from You? God, in those 3-4 months I tried so so hard to reach out to her about You. I shared Your word, every part of it Lord to her and brought her to church. I put in so much effort and time God. It was one of the darkest periods of my life, not knowing if I'm walking in Your will. Waking up everyday and closing my eyes every night, just worrying about her and worrying about Your will. It reached the point where I was so tired. I was rejected and hurt for Your gospel. I went to cell later on, and I could not contain the trouble in my heart. My youth pastor, Pastor Willard was there and the first thing he talked to me about was her. I was asked to describe how my week was in one colour. When my turn came, I was the only who said grey. Grey for the confusion, the worries, the tiredness, the rejection, all for You my God. I was so frustrated why when I tried to do something in Your will, that is to reach out, share your gospel of salvation with her, that it did not work. Eventually in the cell, I broke down and cried and Pastor Willard prayed for me for he knew I was very confused and lost. Pastor Willard's wife, sister Irene told me at the end of cell, she said "I trust by next week your week will turn to red." It did not seem much at the moment, but I remembered it. That night, in my heart I was convicted and I kind of knew what I had to do. I had to break up with her, for I fear You and I love the Lord although I am so sinful and I continuously disobey You. So the next day which was Saturday, I took a bus to her place in the morning and broke down in front of her. I broke up with her on that very morning. For the following week, we struggled. I still cared for her and love her to push her aside. I continued talking to her, reading the Bible with her, and kept bringing her to church. The next Saturday, one week after I broke up with her, we went for youth service in my church. For some reason, we decided to stay back for the Movie Night because we were following a friend back home. The movie was an evangelistic one called "Courageous", and after that movie when our senior Pastor was preaching and relating back to the movie, she decided to raise her hand and accept Jesus. Then it hit me, "I trust that by next week your week will turn to red." which sister Irene said to me. It was exactly one week from when I broke up with her (which I grieved like a baby, it was so painful) to the night she accepted Jesus. My week was indeed red, I was rejoicing, giving thanks to God. I was skeptical as well, because I feared that she accepted Christ just so that she could be with me, but being exactly one week just like sister Irene said, I couldn't help but believe that it was truly You who did the work and saved her. It only made sense, that I gave her up to You in faith (just like Abraham with his son Isaac) and that I accepted that her salvation is totally the work of Your Holy Spirit, that You finally answered my prayers. I believe whole heartedly that she was truly saved by You. As our relationship progressed on for another year, I was still sinful. I did not do a good job in leading her to You, but rather I lead her away from You with my sin. And now my nightmare has returned, just a few days ago she told me she doesn't feel You anymore. She doesn't think she's a true Christian. She feels like she's not living a Christian life, and that she never will begin a relationship with You as she hardly thinks about You. My heart dropped. I couldn't believe it. My darkest days of doubt and worry have returned. Lord, I have fasted for almost two days, cried my heart out day and night in my prayers to You. I believed You have saved her, so why is this happening? I feel that You are disciplining me, because of my sin. When she returned from New Zealand, I didn't lead her to You. I was so sinful, I didn't respect her enough to control myself, I did not heed Your rules. I felt like I was the reason that is preventing God from working in her. So Lord, I told her we had to take a break, or even break up for now. My heart was bleeding, it was so painful, even now when I'm writing this. Lord, please be merciful to us. I will take this time to allow You to cleanse me, to get rid of my sinful nature, to teach me how to love, treat and respect girls again. My heart grieves at the thought of losing her God, for I love her very very much. Lord, I know you put her in my life for a purpose, and that I believed that she was the one for me after she accepted You. Lord I ask for Your grace to come upon us, please do not take her away from me for good for I have never withheld her from You. Lord, I am so lost on what to do, my days seem so dark ahead of me. My heart is never at peace, sleep doesn't come my way. My heart grieves for the mistakes I've done, my heart grieves for her salvation, my heart grieves for us. Lord, be merciful, may Your grace be enough for us. Lord I pray as you are disciplining me, I pray Lord that once I am cleansed and ready that You'll work something out for both of us. God please work in both of our hearts. Holy Spirit, please stir and open her heart. Give her your gift of faith, that she may truly believe in You. Let her know that You are real, that You are the one true God for her. God please watch over this girl that I love that you have put in my life. God, be merciful to us. I need direction from You God. I need your strength more than ever, I need You more than ever now God for You have taken away everything from me. Please give me something by this week God, in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

2012-01-06T10:55:00.002+08:00

I don't know, but I think I may be falling for you

Dropping so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself

Wait until I know you better, I am tryin' not to tell you,

but I want to, I'm scared of what you'll say,

So I'm hiding what I'm feeling,

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head .
I've been spending all my time just thinking about you,

I don't know what to do, I think I'm falling for you.

Chris

It's the end

2012-01-01T01:50:00.003+08:00

Around 9 hours more to the end of 2011 and to the start of the infamous apocalyptic year, 2012. Time didn't fly that fast for me this year, amazingly. Felt like I was slogging it out through out the whole year, like I was keeping count of the ticks of the clock all the way. So how was 2011 ?

2011 has been a very interesting year right from the start. 2010 was a good year, lots of events and great memories to cherish. 2011 was just ... interesting. Plenty of twists and unexpected events happened through out the year.

Found my true friends, and unexpected friends to be at my side.

Been blessed greatly by Cheryl who became by big sister, who knew ?

Met Janice and Sonia Lee ! Crazy ... I know !

Cousin Daniel's wedding in Singapore !

Prefect Dinner 2011 !

Got closer to Benji, Bryan, Jared and the girls.

Survived SPM.

Overwhelmed by the people who blessed me so much this Christmas.

*Didn't take photo of presents*

It's just been .. one interesting and good year I guess !

Not really that excited about 2012 for now, I rather stay in December at the moment. I think the reason to why I'm not that excited is because important people will be parting away from me. One will be going to Australia, and other friends will be parting ways in college. But I'm half excited about meeting new people and making new friends I guess. It's a whole new start, a whole new phase. I hope I make the best out of college while living for God ! :)

All in all, God has been with me through out the years. I tend not to notice it there and then, but looking back I always realize that God had his hand upon me all the time ! :) I thank you Lord for everything. May I continue to walk with You throughout 2012 knowing that I am assuredly Yours. :)

*P/S : I wrote this post on new year's eve, but forgot to post it.*

Chris

Blessed

2011-12-19T01:11:00.002+08:00

You'll be leaving for good in less than 2 months.
I don't know what to say.
I know I'll definitely miss you when you leave.
I've always wanted an older sister in my heart.
And poof, you appeared .. unexpectedly.
Who knew?
That a someone like you would care for me?
Still can't believe it till this day.
I truly thank God for you.
But, my only wish this Christmas,
Is to bless you back in return.
Thank you for making 2011 something special.
Love you big sister! :)

God, please help me bless her this Christmas. :( I have no idea what to buy for her.

Chris

Day 2

2011-12-15T20:42:00.000+08:00

This is day number 2 where I feel that God is continually working in my heart. Somehow ended up watching Fireproof, again. I watched it earlier on when I was younger and probably a little too young to comprehend the values and how incredibly heart-stirring this movie is. But now I'm starting to fully appreciate and comprehend what the movie actually teaches me.

Things needed to be applied:

1) Be more patient with my mummy.
2) Get rid of addictions.
3) Love girls/women the way God wants me to.
4) Purify myself before entering any relationship.
5) Base my relationships on God's love.

This isn't going to be easy. Lord, I pray for strength ? Cause I really can't do it on my own haha ! Please don't stop working in my heart. :)

Chris

Humbled

2011-12-11T20:06:00.004+08:00

Just came back from the Orang Asli settlement. Went there to bless them by bringing Christmas to them and ended up being blessed much more in return in my opinion. I think we did a good job, some of us stepped out of comfort zones much more than usual, and I'm very proud of them !

But aside from the missions, it was a very humbling experience for me. Not because of anything to do with the missions, but I felt that the Lord showed me how small and broken I was in the trip itself. It felt pretty much like the story 'The Emperor Without Clothes' where the emperor thinks he has fashionable clothes and that he looks good, when in actual fact he is naked. He has nothing on and he's not fooling anyone.

Truth be told, I measure my value based on the talents I have. That's right, my value. I believe all of measure ourselves based on what we're good at. I've always held my talents dearly to myself, as it is the only thing that makes me feel worth something. But right now, everything is stripped away. What talents ? The Lord showed me that what I have is actually so small, that I'm broken and I lack in so many areas. That was the moment where I felt worthless. Like all your life savings is of no value anymore.

So what did I do ? Well, what else can I do but to go down on my knees and pray ? I prayed this simple prayer to the Lord.

"Lord, everything I have is Yours. All that I am is Yours.

Lord, what I have may not be much to others or to You,

but Lord take my broken offering and make it whole."

This verse came into my head when I was praying.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

- 2 Corinthians 12:9

What I have may not be much to others, but I'm going to give everything unto Him. I do not live to serve men, but I live to serve the Lord almighty. :) I believe this is the right thing to do, and I know I can't go wrong in giving my all to Him. I don't know who might be reading this, but I urge you to give everything to the Lord, be it how small or broken your offering may be !

Chris

Principles

2011-11-06T23:39:00.001+08:00

Principles I need to live by and remind myself daily.

1) Be humble with all that I have, and in all that I do.
2) Be a blessing to others, not just a few.
3) Be generous in giving sincere appreciation.
4) Pursue after God's heart.

WeiBeng.

Dilemma

2011-08-26T18:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we're so known by what circumstances have made us become, that people forget who we were before. Under circumstances, I have come to be known more as a guitarist till people forget that I'm actually a drummer and that drums is my main instrument. Sure, I may do the guitar thing, but I'm actually a drummer at heart and will always be.

Don't get me wrong, I love both drums and guitar and basically all the instruments. But just the thought of being a permanent acoustic guitarist for a band is something I really don't want. I've always envisioned myself as a drummer if I were to be in a band, but now I have been accidentally marketed as a guitarist and that seems to be what everyone wants me to be.

What's frustrating is that I have to sacrifice my first love (drums) to complement the whole team since no one else can take up the acoustic guitarist spot. I know the feeling would suck if I had to watch someone else take my spot on the drums while I'm stuck playing something else. Honestly, I never thought versatility would have its cons and here I am facing it.

How ? I'm left in a tight situation with not much options and I don't see a way out of it.

WeiBeng.

Kwon Yuri

2011-08-24T21:46:00.001+08:00

Damn, my friend has definitely passed on the Korean fever to me when she introduced me to SNSD. I think I have a major fan crush on Kwon Yuri now after watching this video of her.

I'm .. truly .. captivated.
I think I'm .... in love. HAHA

This is really bad timing. SPM is around the corner and here I am being distracted. Howwwww ? :( God help me, seriously.

WeiBeng.

Hahaha

2011-08-21T00:06:00.000+08:00

Thank you Cheryl for making my day!

You are the best big sister ever.

Hugs !

WeiBeng.

Tribute

2011-08-18T17:50:00.003+08:00

I was bored, decided to do a tribute for one of

my favourite songs by Bethany Dillon.
It's my first time uploading to Youtube !

First time making a video too !
*omg I'm such a pro hehehehehe*

Enjoy.

WeiBeng.

So good

2011-08-15T23:58:00.001+08:00

At this point in time, life is really good. Just celebrated my 17th birthday which was really close to perfect, the best I ever had so far ! Never felt so much love from people before, I feel really blessed !

My birthday somehow landed on the weekend, the weekend where my cousins and relatives from NZ came down to visit us and decided to celebrate my birthday ! Oh how I miss my cousin Teresa ! I really felt like hugging her, but I shy. :( She's really a bundle of joy and happiness, really can't help but smile when she's around. I remember those times when she played and took care of me when I was a kid whenever she visited, fond memories. :')

Beloved cousins !

School is going well for me. Making lots of new friends, friends I wished I had known earlier and not towards the end of my schooling days. Well better late then never ! God has blessed me abundantly, it's time I do the same. Hopefully I can somehow miraculously do well for my trials and SPM so that I can give all the glory back to God.

Jesus you are so good,

Jesus you are so so good,

and I just wanna thank You,

with every beat of my heart.

Just a thought, it would be perfect if Bethany Dillon accepts
my friend request on Facebook hehehe !

WeiBeng.

Realization

2011-08-09T22:52:00.001+08:00

I hate losing friends. Was just glancing through old photos on some of the things we did together, can't help but feel a little remorse for how things turned out. There are incidents that can affect and change your friendship forever, and that appears to be in this case. I hate this feeling.

I find it hard to truly forgive someone if they don't apologize. All in all, I will tell this to myself again. My conscience is clear, stop beating yourself up for what you didn't do wrong.

On another note, people don't usually turn out to be what you hope they would be. Ah, I can feel depression kicking in just thinking about this. It's entirely my fault for putting expectations and hope on people. Oh silly boy, what delusion have you gotten yourself into ? She was never going to be that to you.

This is a really depressing post, sorry to whoever that reads it. Just needed to let it out somewhere.

WeiBeng.

Overwhelmed

2011-08-04T22:00:00.000+08:00

It is currently about 100 days left to SPM. 30 days left to trials. Honestly speaking I don't think I'll finish my syllabus by trials, and that is making me very worried considering the fact that I'll be applying for college with my trials. Wasted time, is all I can say. I'm kicking myself upside down, literally if I could.

So how ? I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. I really need someone to tell me everything's going to be okay. Can't wait to get SPM over with !

WeiBeng.

Bersih !

2011-07-05T16:31:00.007+08:00

Wearing Bersih T-shirts means instigating people to join the rally?

How about wearing police uniforms then ?

Does that mean you are asking people to join the police force ? -__-

Idiots.

WeiBeng.

?

2011-06-27T20:45:00.000+08:00

I feel so all over the place today.
I feel uncollected, unfocused, and a bit overwhelmed somehow.
I feel troubled, that I might have done something wrong.
That slight ache in your heart, telling you something isn't right.
Or perhaps when sleep fails to claim your consciousness.

I'm starting to have a headache. Not a good day at all.

WeiBeng.

Bethany Dillon

2011-06-16T18:10:00.000+08:00

Recently, I fell in love with a Christian artist named Bethany Dillon. She's an amazing song writer, an amazing mommy now too with a beautiful daughter. She's only 23 years old and she's a mommy already ! Anyway, I've been following her up on Twitter and I found her blog through there.

Needless to say, she's definitely a huge inspiration to me. Not just in musical sense, but definitely spiritually too. Her voice is amazingly .. pure and she sings the lyrics of her songs with such truth, it's unbelievable ! For me that is haha ! Through interviews and in her life, you can really see how spiritually matured she is from the way she views things and how she always gives glory to God.

"There's a clarity and an emotional immediacy and a real readiness to connect with her voice."

- Marshall Opman (Producer)

Reading her blog was really refreshing. It was all about how God works beautifully and holds her tiny hands through life being a mother/wife and an artist. Not to mention the really cute pictures of her baby daughter Lucy too hehe. :D Oh, and Bethany's actually quite pretty too ! Woman after God's own heart with a voice like that, she has to be beautiful. LOL! :D

Click here to read her blog !

WeiBeng.

Time

2011-06-07T00:26:00.000+08:00

The days seem long and weary

The sun hastens to set

Alas, time lingers everything

In a slow dreaded wait.

WeiBeng.

Laugh

2011-05-31T12:14:00.000+08:00

This made my day. :')

Definitely the cutest baby alive !

WeiBeng.

Jayesslee

2011-05-31T00:00:00.004+08:00

I WANNA MEET THEM ! :D
They're in Australia.
Only 3000 .. miles .. away.

WeiBeng.

Troubled

2011-05-30T00:20:00.001+08:00

Feeling very troubled.

I wish I could talk to you.

WeiBeng.

Maybe

2011-05-15T23:53:00.001+08:00

Is it possible to find a girl without drama ? I know that's quite close to impossible, as girl are emotional beings. But I just want a relatively simple girl who laughs more than she cries, that would rather choose to be happy and cheerful than being .. emotional.

Maybe I'm asking too much.

WeiBeng.

You are good

2011-04-20T10:40:00.001+08:00

I really have so much to thank God for, especially for amazing and encouraging people that God has blessed me with. :') Truly, God you are wonderful.

Anyway, this is a short update. I'm about to head off for my second game in my last year of high school basketball tournament. (MSSD) Body's feeling lethargic, but nevertheless by God's strength I believe by faith that I can pull this off ! :)

"Grant Taylor: And if we win, we praise Him. And if we lose, we praise Him. Either way we honor Him with our actions and our attitudes. I resolve to give God everything I've got, then I'll leave the results up to Him. "
- Facing the Giants.

Living by this principle ! :)

Lets do this !

WeiBeng.

Unfigured

2011-03-21T21:58:00.001+08:00

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

WeiBeng.

Thoughts

2011-02-09T19:20:00.002+08:00

This Chinese New Year was just .. amazing. I realized how important and special family are. It's funny though, when you were younger you never really did appreciate all the small little things, and even the big things too sometimes. I guess with age, our eyes start to open up to the little small things and big things that our relatives do for us, and we start appreciating the significance of it.

I think just as how much Christmas taught me a lesson, CNY definitely did too. Looking forward to Deepavali, maybe I'll learn something too heh.

I've been rather reluctant to blog lately, because I feel that I should be telling all of this to someone, rather than to my blog. There's no point in having a great one way conversation with my blog is there ? But at the same time I don't want to abandon how much time and effort I've carefully placed into this blog either. :(

Yes, I just woke up sorry. I think a lot before and after I wake up. :D

Picture of The Day

A little bit crude, but I laughed because I did the same thing when I watched the show. ;P

WeiBeng.