Living Life OUTLOUD!

Bring on the Heartache

2016-09-08T23:11:00.000-07:00

“You don’t measure love in time. You measure love in transformation. Sometimes the longest connections yield very little growth, while the briefest of encounters changes everything. The heart doesn’t wear a watch- it’s timeless. It doesn’t care how long you know someone. It doesn’t care if you had a 40 year anniversary if there is no juice in the connection. What the heart cares about is resonance. Resonance that opens it, resonance that enlivens it, resonance that calls it home. And when it finds it, the transformation begins…” - Jeff Brown

In early December of last year, I fell in love. Wildly, deeply, passionately. We met at the registration desk for an 11 day workshop in Cali we would both be attending. I remember walking in and seeing this tall handsome man, smiling but then quickly looking down (an oddly timid move for me). He introduced himself as Joe, and I promptly and excitedly told him I was Becky JO! Sparks were flying :).

A few days later I was meditating before class, and felt a physical warmth wash over me. I turned and wasn’t surprised to see he had sat down right behind me. We smiled a knowing smile. We were drawing cards that morning in order to discover who our partner would be for that night’s homework session. I knew it would be him. I felt nervous and shy around him and I loved it, my rare sign of those fabulous Butterflies. Turns out he had also sensed we would get paired up :).

Our matching cards were drawn, and we locked eyes and smiled... fate revealing herself. We sat cross legged facing each other, instructed to hold hands and eyes, but not to speak. For those next 4 minutes, sparks transformed into a seed; love was planted.

By the time our course was over, that love seed was already grown and beginning to bloom. Emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... but not yet passionately. Our wise course instructors had advised our group to refrain from sex. It was an intimate course, so connections would surely be made, but if it was real it could wait. We were good students :).

We had both driven (he from SoCal and I from Portland), so without any set day to be back home, took an extra solo trip to the coast together. We went running and dove in the ocean. He boosted me up into trees. We had singing waiters, free upgrades and unsolicited desserts given to us... the magical karma was unending. Then he informed me that he too did his own (less gregarious) version of “Spread Happy” events. He even whipped out an envelope of $500 that he had brought in case an opportunity presented itself to help someone out. We geeked out on this fate, never having felt it so beautifully fall upon us. There was no doubt about our connection from then on. Two single hands can do a lot, but together? So much more. We both said I love you on our 11th day together. It didn’t feel fast, it felt profound and true and unlike anything we’d ever experienced, and we spoke openly about it often.

I called my mom (my favorite person on earth) and told her I’d met the male version of her, and boy was I in ‘trouble’ ;). He invited me to come and spend christmas and meet his family. No sense waiting, we both already knew.

He picked me up from the airport in a costume! Hello?!?!?! I was smitten. His mom had been waiting 43 years for him to bring a ‘special someone’ home, so I was welcomed with open arms. :). I was incredibly proud that he chose me, as it was clear he had options, and all the while he was thrilled that I chose him. We helped his family with chores, took his nephews swimming in the ocean, settled our fun-spirited smack talking over a game of 1-on-1 basketball at the local YMCA (he whooped me, graciously :).

From Cali, we flew up together to the PNW. The passion set free had exceeded all expectations, and we even joined the Mile High Club on the way, our two adventurous spirits soared. Was he for real? Sweet and kindhearted, but with that wild and courageous side? It felt like a dreamworld.

We spent days preparing, then taught a class together for a Portland group on the subject of Self-Love on Jan 2. It was an easy topic for us, our early conversations often based in this understanding: To really be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy alone. We were sharing our happiness, not needing it from one another. Both of us were very independent, well traveling, financially stable, able communicators, dedicated to growth … and the beauty of finding another who understood these beauties resonated deep within us.

It was a fairy tale romance. Both of us fixated on making a difference in the world, learning and growing, and communicating about everything. We shared fears and hopes and desires, and daily spoke about being truthful always, even if it was hard. We cried together and spend countless hours telling each other all the things we loved about one another, talking about how incredible this love was.

He’d stare in my eyes and say I was the best thing to ever happen to him, whisper that he’d waited his whole life to meet me, and that I inspired him so much. One day I was reinforcing the fact that if anything happened and things didn’t work out, I’d be okay. He melted me by saying he wanted to love me as long as I would allow him too. We talked about how we wanted to do amazing things in the world, and we’d brainstorm how we could do them together. We’d change the world :).

With our two unconventional lifestyles, we were able to easily adjust and accommodate this newfound love. Except for the 5 days between our first trip and me flying to cali for christmas, we were just together, a word we emphasized often. He stayed here in the PNW, living in the RV next to mine (my mom’s, she was gone for all of January). Our ‘Dating’ got exponentially advanced to talks of future, of family, of business ideas, of life together. Buying a house or getting an apartment or building here on my land. We talked of sharing bank accounts, utilizing each other’s strength to make our whole greater. There was nothing off limits in discussion.

“Let there be no doubt: all love connections are not created equal. Some have a mystical quality from the first meeting. Pure and simple. Apparent from the first out-breath. Unmistakably sacred. God rising on the wings of their love. This is how the timely and the timeless become indistinguishable—when love meets God deep in the heart’s inner temple.

Does this sound insane? If it does, that’s okay. Great love is the most exquisite kind of madness, an asylum of delight. Enter its gates and divinity rises into view. Like all synchronistic delights, it’s only madness until it happens to you.” -Jeff Brown

Previously, I’d thought one day I might adopt, but had been less and less inclined about actually having children. Enter Joe. We talked of how having a child together one day, joining our genes and ideals into a new person, seemed almost essential. I told him I would want twins, and he sweetly agreed we could do that :). With him 10 years my senior, we talked about waiting just one year to try.

He loved my mom too, even before she returned, understanding how integral and important she was in my life. Upon her arrival, he moved into The Bloom Wagon with me. At 6’-3” he had to sleep slanted to fit on his side’s mini RV bed, but he was adamant it was perfect :). He’d cook often for both Deb and I, and then they would go walking daily. She fell in love with him as well. He even loaned her 14k to pay off her truck. When she and I would talk privately, we’d get giddy and say, ‘is-he-for-real?’

His generosity was unparalleled. He’d been in the peace corp. He’d opened numerous restaurants to be entirely run my immigrants so he could pay them great wages and help them create a beautiful life. He once moved in with a previously homeless blind man he’d just met, for 4 months, so he could teach him to get around his new space. It felt like my personal struggles with the Bloom Woods that previous summer all made sense if it was to meet this incredible human being.

During his 20‘s, he had contracted brain malaria while living in Africa, and was given only a 1% chance of survival. He did :). He was a miracle man.

He had a sweet curiosity to know everything about me, a childlike wonder about my body, and a way of understanding me unlike anyone I’d ever met. He could see things in me I hadn’t even pondered, and could talk about them in an eloquent, caring fashion that I admired and looked forward to greatly. He loved doing things for and taking care of me, and I surprised myself by adoring this over the top attention. I relinquished completely to the love and reveled in it.

In early-mid February, he finally needed to take a short trip back to Cali to take care of a few things. While he was gone, I noticed shifts in my body that I never had experienced. I took 4 tests, just to be sure:

We were pregnant.

I was taken by sweet surprise. Even though logically we hadn’t been very safe, a big part of me thought I was infertile. Based on a silly something an Indian guru once told me, but more because of 20 years of sexual activity with lax at best protection. Stupid, I know. In a way it felt like confirmation of our sacred unity. We’d already talked about starting a family just the next year, we already knew we loved each other, wanted a future together. The secret bubbled within me, waiting until he got back a few days later to tell him. A tiny piece of me was still nervous to share, but when I did, he squeezed me and whispered, “I’m so happy” with an authenticity that seeped into every cell of my being. It disintegrated any nervousness and I easily slipped into celebration of the miracle :).

It was an incredible period of time. Possibly the most joyous in my life, because although unplanned, it was exciting and solidified our already powerful connection. We began shifting all our plans to accommodate this new news of a baby on the way. We saw a midwife (I wanted a waterbirth) and he played along with my hopes that it be twins, always mentioning ‘them’ when referencing my tummy :).

I was already beginning to have odd cravings and was getting extra emotional. One day I cried because he served me and Deb food but didn’t make enough for himself to eat. I was so tired and felt like I wasn’t really contributing and that he was having to do everything. He sat me down, and thru tears told me that my body was doing all the physical work, that he felt great by getting to contribute in this way. He wanted me to know that he would do anything for me and that ‘we’ is not just a word but an actuality, that we work together and there is no competition about who contributes more, but we just work together.

These recollections aren’t just a memory, but from written recordings. From the first week together, I was sure there would be a movie made from our love story one day. It was magic and I knew it, so everyday I was journaling the things we did, what we were saying to each other, the feelings shared.

I still think there could be a movie about this story, although certainly not the ending I or anyone watching it would ever imagine. Spoiler alert!

On February 19th, we made love, and after realized there was blood. A lot of it. I rushed to the bathroom, and the realization of what was happening hit me. I’d no previous knowledge, but quite clearly knew it was a miscarriage. I wept over the toilet for hours while he sat behind me rubbing my back and coo’ed sweet nothings. I hadn’t wanted to get pregnant, but the phenomena of motherhood had swept me off my feet. I couldn’t bear the thought of ‘them’ going down and being in our RV sewer tank, so with total gentleness, he scooped all the tissue out and we planned to do a ceremony the next day.

We laid together for a long time, intertwined on my mini twin RV bed. We talked about knowing that everything happens for a reason, that it’s probably a blessing in disguise since we weren’t really ready, but it’s very hard to not get sad. I felt relief in thinking that we had created an amazing angel to roam the earth, lifting spirits and brushing love where it was needed.

...

The next week was rough, I was exhausted and not really improving, still bleeding minimally, but daily. Joe was quiet and contemplative, but loving and generous as always. I started going stir crazy, we had to get out of the RV. Being physically and emotionally drained was foreign and uncomfortable to me.

We went out to eat for a short respite, and we watched the horrendous and disheartening ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ movie that night. It instigated a wonderful conversation, beginning with my ‘stuckness’. I’d been uncertain of the Bloom Woods vision for quite a while now, the summer being rough on me. I hadn’t wanting to give up the dream, but also ‘something’ stopping me from moving forward. Towards the end of summer into fall, I didn’t want to design, I was wasting time, getting distracted. His presence had let me forget I was in the midst of my own personal struggle, but now it was pouring back down upon me: What did I actually want for my life?

Then we start talking about our earlier ideas, about how we both LOVE to spread happiness. That we’d both had prior dreams that we could somehow make a living off of doing good deeds. What if we stopped coming up with ways to ‘make money’ and just put everything on the line and just went for it!? We had enough savings between us to get started, and over time we could see it grow into a viable ‘career.’ How amazing if, when people asked what we “DO”, we could answer, “We do good in the world.” We were giddy about it.

A few days later I dropped him off at the airport. He was going on a roadtrip he’d been wanting to do since before we met. I felt mixed emotions about him leaving, a bit surprised he wanted to go alone, but he had reassured me all was well, and I even had some relief to be able to heal and not endure my own shame battle of feeling useless all day. He talking about reading and studying up all while he was gone (we both love personal growth books) and wanting to fill me in on everything he’d be learning.

There was as much love in our airport goodbye as there had been all along. I had no reason to be alarmed.

Little did I know that was our final moment of the dreamy love I’d come to cherish.

It seemed okay for a few days, we were texting and chatting often. We assumed, based on internet research, that it’d be another week before I felt totally back to normal.

Then, my bleeding got more significant. I started passing mega masses of tissue again. All the while, his contact got fewer and farther between.

Making my smoothie in the morning was exhausting. Taking a shower was exhausting. Everything was exhausting. I was scared of moving around because I was getting so light headed. I didn’t want to stray too far from a bathroom because I never knew when the bleeding would overwhelm my kotex pads.

Thank goodness my mom lived next door. I stayed with her a few nights as I started passing more and more bloody tissue. We thought maybe the miscarriage wasn’t finished, but surely it must be after that.... and then it would happen again… and again.

One night I was so weak and tired, and scared. I called my mom quietly sobbing, asked her to take me to urgent care in Vancouver. It was an hour drive at 3am, but I knew something wasn’t right. I was bleeding all over the table and the nurse told us it was normal and sent us home. I passed another mass in the bathroom before leaving. Both of us were shocked, but not having any prior experience with this, thought… I guess we believe them right??

Around this time, Joe sent me a message, that he was sorry he hadn’t felt like talking. That he loves me so much and he knows I’m having a hard time and that I deserve to get some attention. His trip had gotten put off because he needed a root canal, and he wasn’t feeling so great. He had an appointment in just a few days to get it fixed, so I was torn between just asking him to come back, but knowing he’d be in pain with his tooth.

Later, when I asked him to come back after the dentist, he said he had another random appointment in a few days. His communication had went from eloquent to inarticulate and that’s when I really knew something wasn’t right. I had a suspicion he was in a bad way and was able to lean into compassion. One night we FaceTimed, and he was laying in a dark room. I prompted and prodded him to stand up and cheer. I asked him to please go talk to someone. He said he would. When we said our goodbye’s, he said he didn’t know why he was so nervous to talk to me, that is was great. It felt good, but I started balling as soon as we hung up. What’s happening? My self preservation came back and I still couldn’t understand. How is this amazing human who made me feel as if he would do anything for me… now being reserved, ashamed and absent when I’m in the worst way of my life? I stopped hearing from him altogether the next two days. It was torturous, to be both physically impaired and emotionally unhinged at the same time.

Tuesday morning, March 8, I woke up bleeding and it didn’t stop. I could barely move. I sat on the toilet for an hour and finally was too tired to even hold myself upright, so laid on a towel to get horizontal and see if that would help, but it didn’t. I lay there crying and scared. I called the doctor, knowing this couldn’t be okay. The nurse could feel my urgency and squeezed me in for 2pm that day. It was around 9:30am at this point.

I was so raw and emotional, and couldn’t believe that I was not hearing anything from Joe. What the heck was going on with him? I’d had enough of worrying when I desperately needed to take care of myself. I FaceTime’d him, no answer, and FaceTime’d him right back. He answered and I just cried, asked him if he would at least text because I don’t want to worry about him emotionally, needing all my strength to heal physically. He says he will, and it’s generally a nice convo.

I’m crying and laying on the bed and feeling blood pouring out of me. Back to toilet again. This time, I start feeling really woozy. My head is so lightheaded. I… i…. i……..

Deb says I lost consciousness and fell forward as a dead weight on her shoulder. She said I sneezed and snot came out. I opened my eyes, but I wasn’t there. I made no effort to do anything about the snot. She said I was so pale even my lips were white, and then fear took over. She reached for her phone to call 911. I fell off the toilet.

Sometime shortly after I got some awareness. I knew something wasn’t right because I could hear her speaking on the phone, voice full of panic. I realized I was on the floor, my pants not even on. I’m laying there, it dawning on me that I could actually be bleeding to death. I heard her saying that she can’t get me up and our driveway is hard, and I decide I will not die. I muster up the strength to sit up and mumble ‘I can get to the car’. I don’t know how I did it really, but I like to think it was my grandpa, my guardian angel, lifting me up!

I stumbled to the car with my pants sagging low. Deb grabbed some things and we hear the sirens. It took only a few minutes to get to the end of the driveway and the ambulance arrived shortly after.

Zombie time: out of the car, onto the stretcher, into the ambulance. I’m conscious enough to be friendly, ask the names of my savers :). My blood pressure is super low and dropping, and they try to start two IVs. They can only get one because my veins are so tight and small.

I see 11:11 on the clock and announce it! There’s a wonderful wave of positivity that passes thru me... I’m going to be fine :).

My pressure is still dropping so they keep trying for that second IV in me. So many punctures! I tell them I can feel myself bleeding out, but there’s not much they can do now, so we leave it. They don’t have blood in the ambulance, only fluid. The sirens are blaring and we are cruising.

I then see 11:23, and now I know for sure I’ll be okay. It’s scary, and I’m feeble, but my understanding was steadfast: I’m not dying today:). I start poking fun about my condition. I even ask Bryan the EMT to take my picture… my dying wish. He was not amused ;).

As we approach the hospital, the urgency in their voices is apparent. They are saying some things like that it has to be a ‘fast in, no papers’ or whatever else might normally slow down the intake process.

Bed rolling in, lots of doctors and nurses. They cut my shirt off (my fav shirt!!) and my pants are completely saturated, trashed. They are drawing blood (what? don’t you have enough?!). Lots of questions and explaining. Mom shows up!!! yay! I cry! What if she hadn’t been there?? My angel!!!!! I have to pee and they give me a bed pan. I feel a HUGE clot come out of me! Oh my god… I see the nurse give a ‘whoa’ look to the doc.

She does an exam on me and says some POC (products of conception) were still inside, the miscarriage incomplete :(. Later I find out the fetus had still been trying to survive (my pregancy hormones 3x what they had been at my first appt), growing the placenta but then my body continuing to reject it. They’ll be doing an emergency surgery to ‘fix’ it. I start to cry and the sweet pregnant doctor comes over and very gently says that I should still be able to have children in the future, this doesn’t mean the end. I start wailing. I’m not sure why, maybe just that I can’t really believe what’s happening :(.

I see 12:23 on the clock then. Ahh, these gifts from god, I can’t help but smile. Thank you for reminding me it will all work out :).

A lot more happens from there, but for succinctness sake: The surgery. Horrid pain as the anesthesia wore off. Blood Transfusions. Throat agony from the tubes down my throat. 15+ needle puncture sights in my arms/hands. Family love and some fun, then a sleepless night. The inability to get myself to the bathroom. Family visiting, me barely talking or engaging. Nightmares. Sleeping pills for the second night. Tears and fears and raw emotion and exhaustion as I’ve never experienced it.

As a high energy person, I appreciate my blood tenfold now :). Normal hemoglobin level is 12-15. Mine is almost 15. Critical is considered 7.5. I got down to 5, and after three different blood transfusions they released me at a level of 8 with an estimate of two months until I’d feel back to normal. Ugghhh!!! It took all of that.

The most beautiful part of my hospital stay was all the love and support from my family. My sister came both days, she is an expert at taking care of things, and we were in good spirits as she plucked my chin hairs for me and cut up my food and even fed me :). My dad came the entire second day, missing work, and my stepmom too drove all the way down in the evening to visit. Though I could hardly engage, their presence was powerful and I felt so much appreciation for it. Of course my mom who absolutely saved my life was by my side the whole time. So much love all around me...

...but none from Joe :(

I was in total disbelief about what was going on. Where was this incredible man, who just a few weeks prior was celebrating our having a child together? Who had countless times professed his undying love? Who had spoke passionately about our plans for our future lives together? ...and now completely absent in both physical and emotional presence? It made no sense, and I was torturing myself with trying to figure it out, hormones in my body taking over my normal ability to cope.

We spoke my second night there, but it was incoherent. I even told him he sounded like Donald Trump, talking a bunch of nonsense but nothing making sense... what was going on? I’d had enough, just tell me!

The next morning I had an email from Joe. He admitted that he has depression. That he was aware of the gravity of my situation, but that he couldn’t even get out of bed. He can’t feel anything, not even love. He said he felt like a witness but not a participant in his own life, feeling only a strange heaviness, numb to reality, 100x worse than anything he’d ever experienced in his life, normally in touch with his emotions, and now with none.

I was horrified that he was going through such unfathomable difficulty, I was deeply hurt that he couldn’t feel any love for me…but I was also relieved, that at least a reason for his behavior existed. One that I could seemably forgive and we could work through.

But that would not be the case. Over the next few days and weeks, he shared with me that he had taken the pregnancy news pleasurably because he loved me, but deep down knew it wasn’t the path he was meant to be on. When the miscarriage happened, he said his relief was strong, which brought on an intense guilt. He left for ‘his trip’ to clear his head, but as I got worse, his guilt became a flood, causing him to believe he was even causing all my suffering, that he was a bad person. The guilt took him farther down than he’d ever gone, drowning in the blackness.

He also shared that he didn’t believe he could ever have an intimacy so close with anyone. Throughout his life he had hoped for love, thinking he just hadn’t met the right person, but no, instead, he realized I was the perfect person for him... yet through me revealed his freedom was the most important thing to him.

I was torn between devastation and compassion. I just couldn’t believe it. We’d had nothing but bliss. How could he go from 100% to zero just like that? Maybe this was the depression talking. Was he just feeling too ashamed? Maybe I just needed to love him thru this. Could I love him through this?!? I felt so hurt and abandoned, but knew I was strong… could I be strong now? Maybe he was totally scared and I could show him it was okay. Did we not countless times talk about being open and honest with each other? I wanted to be a safe place for him. Not to mention if anyone would be open to an untraditional relationship with freedom as the priority, it would be me.

He’d said he would try to explain, but left me hanging for what seemed like forever. I was going back and forth on the biggest bi-polar ride of my life, where I’d feel totally fine and optimistic and my miss-positivity-self that knows everything happens for a reason… and then the crying sobbing mess that felt shattered and lost.

Finally he send another email, speaking totally level-headed again, but persistent that he lead a loveless life. What the? Author Brene Brown says, “our brains are wired for story” and sure as shit I was looking for something, ANYTHING, to help me understand. I even began suspecting he was some criminal Dexter with a big secret and realized he wouldn’t be able to hide it from me. My brain was on fire to find the solutions to this madness.

In late March he flew up and we met for 24 hours in person to talk, I was pretty freaked to be honest. The whole thing was so crazy, we met in the lobby of an airport hotel and I even had asked the hotel clerk to keep an eye on us because I wasn’t sure what to expect.

The lovely, wonderful man I had known was there. His apologizes were sincere and heartfelt. His love was apparent. Even the fact that he had offered to come talk to me in person was a testament to his character. He gave me permission to share this story publicly, again an demonstration of his giving nature, and ability to understand mine.

We talked a TON about the importance of being able to ask for what you want. That boundaries aren’t just a nice concept, but an essential part of being whole and happy. They go both ways, saying no when it’s called for, but also being able to ask for what is needed. People that are ‘givers’ can slip into this mode of giving to the point of not even knowing how to make requests. Or not even being able to be around others and still maintain the self. Often it’s just easier to do what you want by yourself, with no worry of compromise or disappointment or judgement. Joe took it to the point of believing he couldn’t ever have a loving relationship because that meant loss of self & freedom.

What did he actually want? Why would he not just ask? An unconventional relationship? I mean good god man, I'm personally opposed to paper marriage, I’ve dabbled in polyamory, I like to snuggle but then prefer to sleep in separate beds, I’m even designing a single family house (that I’ll eventually release with research) that is actually TWO smaller houses because I think it’s detrimental to merge lives. Seriously... who else would be so open to non convention??

It ended up being a being a lovely and promising reunion, with feel good feelings and hope on both ends. I left feeling proud of my ability to not be led by an ego that intermittently wanted to scream ‘fuck off, I am way too awesome for this.’ In my heart I knew, he is awesome too. It seemed too coincidental that both of us went through the hardest times of our lives at exactly the same time and each had nothing to give the other.

“It is better to lose your pride for the one you love, than lose the one you love to your pride.”

Truth be told, I’d rather have an unconventional relationship too. Our whirlwind of a courtship was powerful, but it was also whip cream on top of the self defacing shit pie that I’d been swimming in. What was I meant to do on this earth? I have all this potential and opportunity… yet I’d been spending my time comparing myself to others, shaming myself for taking so long, feeling frustrated and tired of trying to figure it out, pushing forward while feeling dragged back. Meeting Joe felt like the answer I’d been wishing for: A sign or a signal that would tell me what direction to go. It felt sooooo good and right to float in the love and romance and especially to have someone else make decisions for a while. Our dreams were so similar and we were so perfect….

We scheduled our first attempt to meet in LA just a few weeks later, early April. He had bought my ticket and we were only an hour apart, but it never happened. I flipped out and after a sleepless night, even told him I wanted to punch him in the face. Oh man, that’s the one part of the story that I regret.

“Anger is a river. It wants to be released into the vaster ocean. It wants to move naturally. When we repress it with premature forgiveness, block it with false positivity, repress it in the name of pseudo-peace, we just dam(n) our natural flow. The river then turns inward, against the self, or explodes outwardly, against innocents. Better we express it when it is in our awareness- not in a way that is destructive to humanity- but in a way that is authentic and that restores the integrity of our being. Anger isn’t the enemy. Misplaced anger is. Let the river flow” - Jeff Brown

If I was leading from the beauty of the heart before, now I was dragged by the ugly beast of the ego. Joe insinuated he was fine, was no longer depressed, and in fact he did seem totally levelheaded and again eloquent. Can it be fixed like that? He went to a counselor only once, and hadn’t shared what was going on even with his family. If he’s not depressed, in fact he’s fine, was he ever?... then was this all just a scam? An excuse? Is he just… dumping me?? The embarrassment of feeling completely dumped after I had publicly announced that I had met my soulmate was visceral. It was more than embarrassment, it was shame. And then that I had been so kind with him? What the hell did I miss? Could it have been just lust on his part? No way! Maybe there were signs and I had ignored them? Maybe he didn’t really love me? How could I have been such a fool, to be completely and totally blindsided like this? What did I do wrong? Did he stop loving me earlier but didn’t have the guts to tell me? Was there signs I didn’t catch? Was I too much effort? Too crazy? Too emotional? Too this or that or anything? What did I do wrong? Was I not enough?? Maybe I wasn’t worthy?

I recognized I was in a shit spiral and started to pull back out. This isn’t about me, it was about him. I was feeling really good until a month later I heard from him. He’d went off to Mexico and bought a hostel, was asking me to pay back the $ he loaned my mom. When I told him it really hurt that he’d only contacted me for the $ he said he was sorry in his good-natured way, but then continued to say that he was ‘repeled’ by the thought of us. Repeled?! That’s the word you chose to use?

Ego said: FUUUUUCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Heart said: Oh Joe, are are running from an internal issue? Avoiding me and whatever you are scared of doesn’t fix a hole in your heart. Don’t let fear drive your life!!!

“It is the unseen loads that weigh us down the most: the repressed wounds, the perpetual anxieties, the relational disappointments. It is all too easy to lose sight of what burdens us, not even realizing that hardship has become our habitual way of being. Even if we don’t want to reveal our burdens to others, we must reveal them to ourselves. We must bring them into our own light. We must unpack them piece by piece, memory by memory, until the load lessens and we can breathe again. It is the accumulation of toxic matter that destroys us. When we stop unpacking, we start decaying. Empty, empty, empty…” - Jeff Brown

It got worse for me then. We didn’t speak, but I was torturing myself thinking I could somehow help whatever he was running from, but also not wanting anything to do with him at that point. He had said it felt good to be finding his peace inward instead of looking outward. I knew he had no ill-will, I was just pissed that it felt like he was fine and I was the one suffering. If felt like it was over again, and this time I didn’t have his depression as an excuse to alleviate my pain of rejection. It was just me then, dealing with all the shit that this chaos had uncovered: my ego, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. My extreme discomfort with not having an answer or a solution. My fall into comparison. The recognition of judgement. The inability to fix it. Fix him. Fix me. All the sudden I was in a scary shadow forest, my own.

I found out that I didn’t know who I was if I couldn’t DO. In the beginning, I couldn’t get up, and didn’t want to. My mom would drive me around to get me out of the house, but I had no energy or desire to get out of the car, let alone take a walk. Who was I without my enthusiasm and energy and ability to climb mountains and trees and instigate the masses??? In a way I was jealous that Joe had just ran, because that’s what I wanted to do too. It was and is still a powerful recognition, to be shown my life without my physical prowess. As I trudged thru my recovery period, stuck in my RV regaining my blood life energy, I faced the brutal beauty of actually feeling the feelings, all of them: pain, grief, anger, blame, abandonment, disappointment, shame, fear. It sucked, and continues to suck, but as we know, time is a healer. I’ve found so much light in letting them surface rather than just running around and doing more awesome stuff, earning more credentials to unconsciously bury the hurts deeper.

Is that what Joe is doing? Maybe. Is that wrong? To call that wrong would be to say that I have been wrong, when all my life I know I’ve only done the very best I could with what and who I’ve been each moment along the way. I know I’ve hurt people. I didn’t mean to or want to, but I have. There have been twice as many men that have loved me than men that I have loved. And I’ll hurt people still. I have too many ‘friendships’ that don’t serve me anymore, but I hold on for history sake. Wow.

The only person we can be better than is the person we were yesterday.

I forgive Joe. That doesn’t mean I condone his behavior or deny the hurt. It means I release myself from the prison of blame, and release him from thinking he was a bad person. He did his best. His efforts were obvious. His love was obvious. His kindness was obvious. His pain was obvious. He’s human, and I’m human, and we are all filled with fear and can deal with issues the only way we know how. His method sucked. I’m not going to sugarcoat that. Running sucks. What if that’s all he knew and there’s no amount of love I could have given to change that? He told me that when he didn’t come to me when I was in the hospital, it was the first time in his life that he didn’t do what he knew he was ‘supposed to do’ and that it was one of the most freeing feelings he’d ever had. Has he spent his life behind the bars of ‘supposed to’?

Wow. You know what? If all of this was to be the bearer of that lesson for Joe, I’m proud of that. His heart is so loving and there’s no doubt in my mind he is out in the world doing good deeds. He can and has made a powerful contribution in this world, and I believe as he learns to truly love and honor himself, his impact will grow exponentially. There’s nothing better we can do for this world that to feel good, I really believe that. The more love we have for ourselves, the more we have to give away.

My bestie Christopher pointed out that if God himself was passing out life cards, and one came up that said, “the hard path that opens me up the most and allows me to live the most authentic life possible” I’d be jumping up and down with my hands up saying, “Me, me, me, me, me, please, me over here!”

He’s so right. There is 5000x more good I got and will continue to get from this whole experience than what was bad. Truthfully, it’s only my ego that still wants to blame. My life is beautiful and I have so much love and goodness and gratitude. It’s only when I fall into comparison, feeling like I’m not far enough along that I want to blame Joe for this ‘setback’.

It hasn’t been a setback, it’s been a rainstorm. I live in Portland, OR, I’m not afraid of the rain. Rainy days mean staying inside and creating. Rain makes things grow and thrive. You can’t have rainbows without the rain.

I don’t have any great answers or advice to share. Believe me, I REALLY wanted to. It’s taken me 6 months to write this blog. I started this a week after I left the hospital. Originally it took a long time because I was still in the thick of the pain, but the last 3 months I’d been delaying because I hadn’t yet “figured out the big lesson.’ That’s my pattern. If hard stuff happens, I find the positive and share what I’ve experienced. Most things that happen to me fly straight off my back and I’m able to find the silver lining quickly. This? Has been the hardest obstacle of my life, and I’m over putting a deadline for when I’ll get it figured out and be healed by. I may never have an answer I can comprehend, and there will always be a scar. That’s okay. Scars are cool :).

What I know is that I needed his love, and I needed this loss. His Love came when I was confused and unwittingly trying to run from my own internal strife by drinking and sexing up my life. I couldn’t technically run, so I was just numbing. The Loss has helped me uncover my own deeply buried hurts. It’s helped me be more compassionate and understanding for loss and grief and hardship. I found an empathy I’d never understood, a new way to relate to others about how hard life could feel. It’s helped me be more comfortable with uncertainty, or at least grasp that I really can’t hold out for an answer. It’s especially helped me realize I want to be truly vulnerable, and share my pains as much as I share my joys.

My bestie Christopher came out all the way from Miami to support me when I launched my first Oregon tour. I realized I wasn’t ready. He’s my best friend and I was petrified of disappointing him, that the tour would suck and he’d see I was not good enough to be his best friend. He’d leave me too. It was an absolutely absurd thought that made me realized I couldn’t offer an InnerAttainment Adventure tour again until I felt good about myself and the value I bring. I’m rejuvenating my self love from a place of heart and soul, not of accomplishments, because I do know I have so much to offer even without my resume or jumping bean energy.

Most days I feel awesome and like I’m back, but occasionally still have a day where I’m a total mess, so I’m taking it slow. No need to rush. Tours in my head are brewing, but right now all I want to do is write. 3 days a week that’s all I do. It’s how I heal and process and find my truth and refill my cup so I can come back and be able to spread the love that I so want to spread, far and wide. While I hibernate into my self-care, it’s how I feel like I still contribute to the world, that maybe somebody reads this or whatever post I make, and it helps them thru their own situation.

Those 3 days that I write? I also limit or even completely refrain from social media. That’s been the best thing ever. I love myself so much when I’m not judging my 34 yr old progress against all the success stories that are available at our smart phone fingertips. Remove the comparing? I feel fabulous :).

I took a part time job giving sightseeing tours in Portland and the Columbia Gorge and it’s been amazing. Nothing but absolute love from every single passenger thus far. Of course, that’s outside approval again, but this time I’m focused on how can I make their experience the best I can, rather than, are they going to be impressed with me? Will I disappoint them? It’s a powerful switch.

I gave myself a deadline to post this by today, the 6 month anniversary of my brush with death. Not to have the ‘case solved’, but to be okay with it being left open. To really be vulnerable and be human and share the journey. This shit has sucked. It’s okay that I still occasionally freak the fuck out and don’t know what I’m doing. I might be doing that even without this traumatic phase. I’m still a worthy and worthwhile person. My path is perfect and the solid knowing that everything will be revealed to me in the perfect timing is what I go back to over and over to find my peace within.

This blog is pretty chaotic, but I’m tired of wanting it to be perfect. I just want to share it because it feels good for me to share. I’ve explained as best I can without writing an entire book, or editing it to death. It certainly lacks the depth and width of what only the two of us experienced, possibly entirely different from his view. This is my side of the story, and lord knows I’d be the first to sign up to hear his take on these last 9 months. My intention was to shine a light on what can happen when we bottle up our issues instead of addressing them. Not to bash him. Did I succeed? I do love him, forever.

Do I wish it would have gone down differently? Certainly. Do I wish he would have been able to share what was scaring him? Asked me for what he needed? Even if it was space and ultimately over as it is now? Absolutely.

Do I blame it all on him? No. I want to sometimes, but I can’t. We both went thru hell, but in all honestly, how awesome that it was preceded by 3 months of heaven?

Do I wish he would give me something I could have improved upon? Certainly. He was adamant that he loved me and I did nothing wrong. While I suppose I should love that, it drives me crazy. I don’t believe it. Can I? Still working on that. Self-love will conquer all.

Recently, when I was participating in a forgiveness process, I went back through and read all of our stories and looked at our photos and videos. It was enlightening. In one long recording from mid January, we were giddy talking about an idea of an altruistic business. We’d been talking about plans going forward, when he interjects and says:

“I’m not afraid to love you. It feels super good.”

When I heard that, I replayed it over and over and I let my anger melt. The wording… it was significant. Did that fear take over him? Maybe.

“Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don't- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.” - Jeff Brown

My love was real. Was his? Yes, I know it was. But even if it wasn’t, would it matter? I love love. Would I want to go back and take it slower? No way. Would I want to go back and not meet him? Not jump in? Save myself the sadness? Not a chance. It was a slice of heaven, and I wish only goodness for him, and that he find what he seeks.

It was beautiful. It still is. You can’t reach the roots with out digging deep in the dirt. Every love I’ve had has been a great teacher, and each and every time better and better, taking me deeper and deeper into myself. I’ll go thru agony time and time again if it can be wrapped in such joy to bring me toward more light. Love opens doors that I don’t think anything else can even remotely approach.

Love is an inspiring, invigorating, juicy madness. I pick love to learn my life lessons any day. Bring on the heartache :)

“Imagine the next step, where we don’t see relationship endings as defeats, but as victories and necessary openings—lessons on the path to wholeness. Imagine the next step, where we honor the courage it took to open to the possibility of love, where we see intimacy as a wondrous opportunity to deepen in cosmic stature. How can any failed relationship ever be a complete defeat? It took such courage to brave it all, to make love with the divine, to touch God through our vulnerable heart. This is not to say that we don’t grieve loss; it is only to remind us of the opportunity that lives at the heart of every farewell. A little scar tissue can go a long way on the path to presence.” -Jeff Brown

What happened to The Bloom Woods??

2016-06-03T15:58:00.000-07:00

"WTF Becky, how come you've stopped promoting the Bloom Woods all the sudden and are gung-ho about InnerAttainment Adventures???"

Ohhh, not to worry, InnerAttainment Adventures is just a necessary step towards the Bloom Woods getting actualized :).

Sometimes I jump into the river with two feet. Most the time it works out excellent, but like this time, I broke my feet on the bottom. It hurt, but the good news is they heal, and I learn :). My feet are back to normal now, even stronger, so I'm heading right back into the water. Full steam ahead with a lot more wisdom :).

I love me some risk. The Bloom Woods. The Bloom Wagon. The Spread Happy Superheroes. I mean, why not try to do something fabulous? Multiple things fabulous?? They all align with my life's personal mission:

To utilize my enthusiasm, positivity and loving nature to instigate people towards full realization of their own courage, authenticity, potential and power of community.

My favorite place to be is outside my comfort zone. Wanna join me here?

xoxo,

Becky

www.innerattainmentadventures.com

www.thebloomwoods.com

When in a shit storm...

2016-05-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

"Why does this shit keep happening to me?? I don't get it. I'm a good person. I try to do the right thing. I've done the best I could"... etc etc...

Don't take offense, take note. Life is not punishing you, life is trying to get you to LISTEN. Your authentic self doesn't care what others think. It doesn't want to be nice and proper and please everyone. It wants you to be real, honest, and useful to those amazing folks that ARE inspired by you. That includes the bitches, the assholes, the brutally honest, the take-no-shitters, the super sweet, the not-so-sweet, the dorky, the smarty, the brainiac, the artsy fartsy, the fairy, the EVERYONE!!!

Your authentic self wants you to claim what is rightful yours with vim, vigor and gusto, and with that confidence offer it to the world. If life is throwing shit at you, I challenge you to not view it as punishment, and instead view is as motivation. Life is trying to get you to change, to grow, to expand, to get on the path that is rightfully yours. Forget culturally acceptable. We are not meant to fit in a box. What is your unique gift??!!

Here's a lil' Free Hugs Friday throw down Vlog. I hope you enjoy it... and I sure hope your lil' voice inside gets louder and that you listen to it before it starts getting aggressive :).

Becky Jo, xoxo

p.s. .. if you aren't sure what your unique gifts are, come on an InnerAttainment Adventure with me... let's see what we can uncover :)

www.innerattainmentadventures.com

Spread Happy Superheroes!!

2016-04-01T15:55:00.000-07:00

On Oct 28, 2013 I wrote a blog explaining what my ideas behind The Bloom Woods were. It finished off with this paragraph:

"The ultimate, final goal (which may take a lifetime, but I will achieve) is that The Bloom Woods be able to fund the brightest of the souls that I have the pleasure to meet. The people so great, you just want to be around them! I have met so many of these people already, who have to fight the battle of earning a decent living or being a lighthouse in the world. It shouldn't have to be such a hard choice, and I am inspired by those that have succeeded in managing it. Since there is not nearly enough time in a day to accomplish all I want, it became clear that if I can fund these amazing people, who have an idea with a positive effect on the world, no matter how big or small, I can reach farther into my own mission...

...That is, to change the world :) "

WOW! First off, I don't say I want to change the world anymore, I like better to think I can improve our world. But second, and more importantly, I love being reminded that the ultimate goal is and has been the same, to make a difference. I got lost for a bit, caught up in trying to do that by focusing in on one thing ;). Nothing like a lil' near death experience to shake you back into place!!!!! My first and foremost passion is making the world a little more fun and a little more loving... and the beautiful thing is I can do that anytime, anywhere, and with nothing but love (and sometimes a pom-pom)! :).

There will be many avenues and methods and ideas utilized over the years, and I'm letting myself follow as few or as many of them at a time as I so desire, because, well... why not?? Have you ever read "Refuse to Choose" by Barbara Cher? Or watched this rad Ted Talk? Or heard of the word Multipotentialite? YES, I'm in :).

(Here's more about The Bloom Wagon's Spread Happy journey last year)

The Edge of my Comfort Zone

2016-03-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

For a long time I didn't think my comfort zone had an edge. I operated under the given identity of "fearless" and when some different/new/odd feeling came up, it didn't register as fear.

Why? Because very little of my fear exists in the physical world. Sports, exercise, recreational activity of any kind?... piece of cake. It's a shoo-in for me: if I'm feeling down, I can rely on my body to go do something awesome and impressive and it makes me feel great.

For basically the first 29 years of my life, the physical world was all I ever knew existed. That's all most of us know exists. But it's only 1/4 of our existence. The mental, emotional, and spiritual worlds make up THREE-QUARTERS of our lives, and are THE MOST IMPORTANT AREAS OF OUR LIVES!!!!

We hear about them more and more and more everyday. Thank goodness for Oprah, Brene Brown, Kristin Neff, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, Deepok Chopra, Elizabeth Gilbert and so many others for making this knowledge more and more mainstream. The thing they all have in common?? They continue to say THERE IS NO ARRIVAL!!! There is no such thing as "fearless"!!!!!! Fear never goes away, it just becomes easier and easier to recognize, to say thanks for alerting me to a situation I need to address, and I'll take the driver seat now!!!!! THIS IS SO AWESOME!! But it's scary, in fact it's DANG scary, because these invisible parts of us are what we continue to want to 'hide' from others (and ourselves).

Hide MY ASS.

Hiding does nothing but create dis-ease on the inside, which over time become disease.

My comfort zone, once I've allowed myself to acknowledge it, is wrapped, maybe even swaddled, around my biggest fears: not being liked, accepted, really seen, understood, and the deepest, not being good enough. My striving to always be the best runs in direct correlation with my fear of not being good enough.

I'm not okay with that!! Being the BEST version of myself is healthy, being the BEST so others will think I am OK is not. I'm committing to living bravely, because I have a lot to do in this world and my fear recently started to drive my life! Living Brave, for me, is total transparency as I walk along this path of acknowledging my fear. It gets to have it's seat, as EG says, but it does not get to drive!!! :)

Being Positive :)

2016-03-25T15:44:00.000-07:00

Being positive doesn't mean you don't get sad. It doesn't mean shitty things stop happening. It doesn't mean everyone will like you, or that you are immune to self-doubt. Being a positive person does not mean you must pretend you are on cloud 9 when you are not, or disappear until you get back up there.

I abandoned that knowledge this summer. I started doubting my dreams and was scared of the disappointment I might bring to those that admire me. I was feeling uncertain and unable to find the answers quickly, and my writings and postings became less and less while I tried to figure it all out. I started doubting that I was a positive person, because although I knew I'd emerge from my grey cloud, it was taking way too long for my liking, putting me on unfamiliar ground. This last month was the accumulative culmination of avoiding this new unknown uncertainty: a near death experience wrapped with piercing emotional pain. Life’s way of stamping the message on my heart:

I am trying to teach you something, will you learn it already?!

I wouldn't wish what's been happening to me lately on anyone, but I swear I am so grateful, because it's opened my eyes to experience things I've unknowingly been unable to relate to, unable to see, unable to feel. Through my grief, I'm able to understand how hard HARD can be. How there can be no logic, no answers, and no explanation, but you have to keep moving forward. I found that digging into your emotions and feelings can expose a hurt that was buried and unknown within you, and help bring it to light. I got drilled with the truth that everyone, everyone, is doing the best they can with what they have and where they are in life... and that's just the tip of the iceberg for the good that’s come from this pain. I have so much to share. I love to share. I have to share. It’s an essential part of my being, and I was cutting it off at the knees by unwittingly only owning my 'fearless' side. I feel strongly that denying our fears and doubts aids in prolonging the pain, where as sharing (starting with acknowledging) helps us know we are not alone. Sharing breaks down the shame that grows in isolation. I also feel catapulted into doing what I've been putting off for YEARS, starting a VLOG!!!

Yup, I'm doing it. And I have this flipping sucky awful low to thank for it... HALLELUJAH! I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyways! I may change my mind about it, because I do that, but it won’t be because of fear!!!!! I am NOT a perfect person, but for fuck's sake, I am a relentlessly POSITIVE ONE!!! I’M SO HAPPY I ALMOST DIED!!!!!!! It SUCKED, and I'm still under my grey cloud, but I feel SO ALIVE!!

What is being Positive? Knowing our lives provide endless lessons to be learned, and searching incessantly for them. Being as open minded, curious and vulnerable as you possibly can to increase your chances of seeing and heeding those lessons, growing closer and closer to your true self whose very authentic existence improves our world. Being positive means utilizing any means, even using your vivid imagination, to see the good that can come out of every situation. And there always will be something good, Always. Even if it's just the ability to relate to someone else's suffering and be there for them one day.

Are your lows trying to teach you something? Are you listening? Because I wasn't, and the struggle got worse and worse, until my body decided to harshly show me not to squander my true love of being seen and making a difference.

It’s not going to be easy, I still don’t know the way, I don't know the answers, but I'm committed to the search. To sharing what's going on in my life, because I don't want to be another success story who skimmed over the struggles, inspiring jealousy instead of community. I believe happiness comes from many avenues, including knowing we are not alone. Truth does change. I will change. I will fall... but for sure I will get back up. I hope you do too :)

We are all in this together!

Without further adieu, here’s my first official Vlog :) Yay!

Hitchhiking Social Study

2016-03-01T22:43:00.001-08:00

Our most recent #Hitchhiking adventure (an idealized day trip to #Portland) turned into mostly standing in the sun laughing, conversing, being silly... a sweet date really;). After two quick friendly rides from home (7 miles to the I-84 west bound on ramp), we stood for almost three hours with our thumbs out!! Inevitably, we began discussing the mentality and culture of hitchhiking. Our country is traversed with around 253 millions vehicles daily, mostly with one driver and plenty of empty seats, yet the idea of picking up a stranger going the same direction is crazy to so many. I understand, yet cannot, for understanding is to choose #fear. It is to choose the tiny chance something creepy happens over the probable chance you have a nice encounter with an interesting human being, or at the very least help someone out in need. I understand there is a danger, but the actual danger is minuscule, while it is the fear that is ballooned disproportionately in accordance with the only stories you ever hear, the horrid ones. That's not #fair, and so I must shout out, ALL of my hitchhiking experiences, both being the hitch or picker upper, have been at least good, a lot great, and some amazzzing! I loath the phrase, "better safe than sorry" because for bageezuz sake, shit happens even when we do every safe precaution ever advised! Driving itself is more dangerous, especially texting and driving!!!! I talk about this not to urge people to do this without their total comfort (and some practical tips), but to even the playing field of stories being told. I simply cannot help but advocate for this lost art of sharing, connecting, and logical assistance that gets a bad reputation because we are read only one tiny paragraph of the giant novel. I am passionate about spreading THIS message: Strangers are simply friends we haven't met yet :). Not everyone who doesn't have a car is a criminal. Less cars= less traffic, less pollution, less gas. I love hitchhiking because it's just another opportunity to connect, trust, share, support, give and love (Joe loves it too, another reason why we were instant soul mates❤️). Thanks for listening, thanks to the 3 friendly folks that gave us our short rides to & from the onramp (Steve, Tabitha and Pat!) and also Thanks world for ridiculously amazing scenery :). #pnw #soapbox #chooselove #fearisachoice #hitchhikingadvocate #bridgeofthegods #adventure #strangersaresimplyfriendswehaventmetyet

How to Walk

2015-10-19T12:42:00.001-07:00

Early last week, I ‘randomly’ decided to text a delightful women I had met on 4th of July. We met wakeboarding with a mutual friend that day, and she was just a lovely, enthusiastic, cheerful human. As we got to talking, I learned that she works with a Peruvian shaman who leads medicinal ceremonies. Ohhh??!!?? That had much interest to me after the incredible experience I’d had at the Shaman School last year in Ecuador which opened my heart to pure and limitless love (read here!).

As things go, months passed without communication, but she had left a lasting impression in my mind. How wonderfully ‘random’ then, that last week when I did initiate contact, her shaman was not only here in Portland (for his once a year trip) but there would be a ceremony that Friday night...and there ‘just happened’ to be only one space left.

Wahoooo!!!!

Ah, San Pedro, Wachuma, the “Plant Teacher”. How excited I was to meet with it again, exactly the same weekend as our introduction a year ago. Coincidence? I think not. Timing couldn’t have been better.

Why? Because I knew I could use a heart opening after the summer of countless setbacks, financial anxiety, and grueling hard work. 9 Acres of raw land provided me many important hard learned lessons; expected but not to that degree, understandably accompanied with self-doubt. It was the self-sabotage that was unexpected. Was this the right decision? Or is that just me always excited and jumping in with 2 feet? I was not just stressed, physically and emotionally drained, but becoming more and more cynical (and I didn’t like that one bit). I’ve been more than ready to feel some boundless love again in my heart, like I'd experienced in Ecuador.

My favorite lesson.. but dannnnggg this struggle ;)

The amazing thing about San Pedro, is that it is a teacher. A great teacher doesn’t just give you what you want, they give you what you need. They show you how, but you have to do the work. As we entered the ceremony, very beautifully led by the Don and his crew, I thought I had an open mind. Of course I couldn’t expect it to be the same, probably not even similar to my first experience, oh, but it’s funny how our expectations can be masked.

As we drank of the first round, then the second, I was barely feeling la medicina at all. Since this is a ceremony, not a party, the drinks are very intentional and well spaced. It was at least 5-6 hours in, and I was growing very impatient, even jealous of the clear transformations happening in some of the others around me. I was trying to stay within, yet unable to detach from the commotion around me, watching others to avoid the anxiety within me.

I couldn’t wait for the third cup, and when it finally came with barely a sensation, I became agitated, and along with that shameful. Am I not a kind person? Compassionate, empathetic, positive?... yet here I am silently judging and whining and being a debbie downer. The shamans were focusing on others who were having intense journeys and I felt envious of the attention I wasn’t getting… then getting mad at myself for being so selfish! Vicious cycle!

There came an optional round for a 4th cup, and I basically ran up to take it in. Before the a few others finished I already wanted another. I wanted it to kick in. I wanted to feel the drug. I didn't care about the medicine, I just wanted to escape then. To avoid my shame, avoid my problems, avoid my self.

As morning starting to peek thru, I approached one of the Shaman’s crew and asked if I could have another cup. She asked why, and I said, “I’m too much in my head.” she asked why, and I said I didn’t know. She then put her fingers to my chest and said, "Those who are in their head too much are usually ignoring their feelings".... and with that, the tears fell.

She took my hand and led me to sit down. With her physical and verbal safety net, I started to ball. Not really understanding why, just knowing it needed to come out.

“Don’t hold anything in”, she said as she pin-pointed stress spots in my knotty back, “Just let it come.”

And so I wailed. The medicine was there, I was just blocking it. Blocking it, along with all the feelings I wanted to deny, of being lost, unclear, unsure and... scared. That one is so hard for me to admit. I didn't realize how much I identified with being fearless.

Whatever it was, it felt wonderful and horrible. To just cry and cry and admit that I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I really want, or why I let myself fall into such a self-sabotaging summer cycle.

As dawn broke, we went around the circle and shared our experiences. I love this part, the humility and vulnerability and connectedness that comes with sharing intense experiences and talking about it.

The first time around, I passed, unable to put into words what I was feeling. Over an hour later when it came back to me, with tear streaming eyes, I began with an apology: for my childlike reaction, and for bringing unloving energy to the space. Then the realization almost unfolded before my eyes. The pattern of my summer was condensed into one night, and I saw it. I’ve been seeking comfort and guidance outside of me, that night and all summer. I wanted the medicine to do all the work. I’ve been lost and confused, but not sure how to deal with it or what to do about it. I'd been reaching out to all the things I know that let me escape from myself: alcohol, weed, sex, social media, sweets... I’ve been waiting for someone or something to come and tell me what do do, when the reality is I just need to be able to sit with myself in silence and kindness and patience to see it.

As I was speaking, I ‘randomly’ thought of the item I had brought for the altar. A sweet little book, a gift, that I grabbed in haste while running late. The book is called, How to Walk, and it hit me then that this was my message. The truth is, I said, I don’t know anything. I have so much to work on still. It’s easy to think we are farther along, but I feel so much more free when I admit that I don’t know anything.

I also admitted that I talk to much. I say, “I am this, or I am that, or I am going to do this” and in doing so I limit myself, and then feel shame when I end up doing something different. It was a wonderful admission, to say it outloud. To open up to what I was bottling in.

The ceremony came to a close shortly thereafter, with many bear hugs and a feast of a breakfast. What started quite rough, ended in the beautiful understanding that I did get what I needed, it just wasn’t in a pretty package this time. I am my own healer. I do know what I need, right now time and patience and self-love.

As I was driving away, I passed a car pulled over and noticed a girl peacefully looking out at the scenery. It made me smile, but when looking in my rearview I saw a dent in her car and that it was angled oddly. I whipped around and scurried to see if she was okay. We got the giggles over her parking job and how it appeared like an accident. She thanked me for the concern and extended her hand, but it felt appropriate, so I motioned for a hug. She accepted it, a nice long bear hug like all of us in the ceremony had just shared. In our goodbye she put her hand on her heart and said that she had really needed a hug. Ahhh, there’s that love :). It’s always in me.

When I got home I turned my phone off and disconnected my wi-fi. I wrote, I slept, I read, I thought, I ate without multi-tasking, I cranked up the heat, I just soaked it in for almost 2 straight days... and I loved it.

The love is always in me. The joy is always in me. The peace is always in me. When does it get obscure? When does it feel lost? When I try to do too much. When I push and push and push and go and go and go, and then I end up trying to force it because I know it is in me. People ask me how I traveled abroad for almost a year and didn’t get exhausted. Because I didn’t travel for a year. I would travel for a few days and then when I was tired, I would spend an entire day in my hostel writing. I remember my pal JF in Nepal, begging me to go play. We’d been rafting and biking and water-falling, and it had been awesome!! He couldn’t believe I was going to spend a whole day inside, but luckily I upheld my boundary: No-way-jose, I gotta write about this!!! I only became exhausted when I didn’t get a chance to write, to process. Most of that trip I had little connection to wifi, and most evenings I was in my hostel room before dark. What did that leave time for? Reading and writing and reflecting on everything that had happened. There’s a direct correlation between my happiness and my journaling.

This summer, I’ve journaled almost nothing. I’ve blogged almost nothing. I’ve filled every moment of time with some task, and then when I did have a moment of rest, I was so exhausted I wasted it by drifting to sleep with instagram. One of my biggest reasons for leaving Miami? There was too much going on. I was letting my socially gregarious side swallow my understated (and unknown at that time) strong introversion. I fooled even myself this summer by thinking that by being out in nature and getting to create made the difference. It doesn’t.

It’s the quiet time, the self time, the nothing time that keeps me whole. It’s the writing, the reading, the analyzing time that feeds me. I am a self-analyzer to the core, and when something is off, I need the time to sit with it, fix it or accept it, once again loving all parts of myself. I can't hide from myself, because when I don’t love all parts of myself, I start becoming critical of others.

I knew it all along. I was saying this all summer, have been saying it for years since I first discovered the immense benefits of meditation in 2011. But there was “so much to do”, and I just wanted to push through, do as much as possible while the weather was still nice. I am a doer by all definitions, and that just doesn’t work at all with my being. Self-care doesn’t care about the weather :).

I’ve got a trip to Guatemala next week. I’m taking my journal, not my phone. When I get back, it’s retreat time! Retreat back to simply living in the moment, and living simply by retreating into my self and my cozy little Bloom Wagon. As the season changes, I seek to change. Thank goodness for the RAIN!!!!!!!!

It’s easy to think we don’t have time for ‘trivial’ things. How can I stay inside and write when there’s a ditch to be dug? How can I spend the afternoon reading my book when there’s gravel to be spread. How can I go down to the creek and meditate when the rain is coming and guests are coming and laundry needs to be done, etc, etc…

The truth is, I have to let go of wanting to do everything. It’s ironic how loving so many things and so many people has become my double edged sword. By being curious about everything, I’ve kept myself constantly busy with trifles. By being interested in doing so much, I’ve been unable to focus or narrow down on what passion is most important. By really caring about so many people, I’ve let my true friendships deteriorate.

In writing this blog, I went back and read my first blog about the ceremony in Ecuador. I was reminded of the Tarot card that started that evening, “Specify your desires.”

A year later exactly and I haven’t gotten much closer. I’ve got the land now, and the dreams…oh the dreams that keep coming and coming and that shift and change daily. Fuuuck. I don’t know. Is it possible to have too many dreams? When you keep having more and not focusing on figuring out where to start, yes! To specify my desires? This seems the most daunting task of my life in a way. But absolutely a necessity.

I’ve said many times that we can’t wait to be perfect because it doesn’t exist. We can still be sharing and contributing while we are growing and learning. I really believe this to be true, and so I write about my own ebb and flow.

At the same time, it’s not a good idea to run before you can walk. Especially with scissors and a blindfold on :).

Thanks for this lovely present Jerm & El! Bet you didn't know it would end up being so profound for me….
or maybe you did ;) xoxo

And so, it begins. My rebirth. With self-care instead of self-sabotage. With mindfulness instead of mindlessly numbing my issues aways with decadence. With freedom instead of the labels that limit me. It’s so liberating to just say I’m starting over. I start with simply learning How to Walk. One step in front of the other, one day at a time :)

Thank you for allowing me to share my ever-changing mind, life and heart with you. It is my greatest joy :)

Big guns

2015-08-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

I wrote a whole lot this weekend. Wrote so much it’s probably a few chapters in my future book ;). I really wanted to post a blog, but the brain spew was uber chaotic and just far too much material to edit down into sense over a weekend. Instead, I’ve decided to pull out the big guns and let them do some talking for me. We’ve got my favs Tony Robbins and Brene Brown in the house, the wonderful Elizabeth Gilbert, and the one and only Oprah herself. Enjoy the good company:

Stop with this, "I'm fine" when you really aren't business!

Enjoy this gigantic roller coaster we call life :).

I'd like to insert the word *hot* to make this extra complete :)

You can't go wrong if you know you operate for good :)

Change is one of my top favorite things. It's coming, might as well embrace it ;)

Have an excellent week friends :)

Nude for thought :)

2015-07-03T08:01:00.001-07:00

Photo from Oregon Live article: Here

Last Saturday was the World Naked Bike Ride in Portland, OR. Yes that's right, naked biking! As in, 10,000 super rad Portlandians pedaling throughout the city in an amazing display of unmasked and uninhibited human freedom. We were 'protesting' (that's the law loophole that allows us to be naked in public) in support of human-powered transportation, safe streets, and positive body image.

Whewwwww! Now that's a cause I can get behind! ;)

Pun intended ;)!

More crack thank a drug dealer!!! Photo by Drew Bandy

When I saw the advertisement a month ago, it took but a nano-second to confirm attendance!! I knew what I was getting into after my 'random-chance-encounter' (no such thing) with this World Naked Bike Ride Organization in Philadelphia a few years back. I was sitting in a yoga class when the ruckus outside started happening... once we realized it was naked people on bikes streaking by, I lasted maybe 2 minutes before I couldn't stand it, I had to join!! I 'just-so-happened' to have ridden my bike to class that day (even though I was only a few blocks walk from my friend's house), and opportunities like that don't knock too often. I apologized to the teacher, exited, disrobed right there on the curb, and pedaled along!!!! Yeeehawww!

This time around, I was more prepared... meaning bodypaint!!!!! Can you guess what I got done?? Rainbowwwws, helllooooo! ;)!

I love rainbows!!! Remember this blog? Read here!

After getting painted, and then even painting a few people, my time slot for volunteering came up. I helped by fundraising for the organization, selling bike seat covers (an excellent investment at $5!) and stickers by perusing thru the masses... meeting just, oh, a few thousand nudies! That was phenomenally fun, as was the liberating and energizing ride (complete with a nude band and nude bike tricks!). The cherry on top was most certainly the dozens of us jumping off the docks and ramps into the Willamette River at the end of the night. Naked!!! Ohhh so wonderful!!!

This roadside band was naked!!! Yayy!

Traffic jam

Hey Butty!

Why do this? Why nudity? For me, it's many things, but at the core it's simple: positive body image.

How many sets of boobs have you seen in real life? AKA not in the movies or magazines? How many dicks? How many asses? Well, after 2 naked parades , 3 Fantasy Fest's, nude beaches, plus miscellaneous gatherings and such, I’ve seen kazillions ....and I can tell you, your body is absolutely imperfectly... which makes it perfectly yours, and that is your beauty. :)

Fun with paint!

Free to be just as you are

I love that these kids are being exposed to nudity as normal, not as sexual :)

The irony of people feeling scared to get naked in front of others, is that it is from within the masses you realize just how great you actually look. There is no perfect body, and for me, the experiences of seeing so many have made that a reality. Sure, there are some that seem dang close (and so they get paid for them!), but the other 5.99 billions bodies out there are imperfectly perfect. Big/small, short/ long, perky/saggy, curvy/straight.. there are examples of beauty in every package. Comparing is no bueno!!!

It is an absolutely phenomenal feeling to accept, and then even love, the body you call home. I wasn't always so comfy naked. My breasts are uneven, my nipples lopsided, my curves minimal to say the least. Some cellulite, some stretch marks, too much chubb here, too much hair there... these are things our culture tries to make you feel ashamed of. Nope! Don't do it, don't compare!!! I love my home, my body. I treat it right and it in turn empowers me to do anything I want, and it speaks to me loud and clear when it has something to say. It's only fair I then love it unconditionally!!!! The reason I like to get naked? If you’ve been reading my blog a while, you know I get high off being an example, making people think outside the box, maybe push a boundary or two. I have no problem being an intentional fool or social outcast to demonstrate an important point, and it’s the same with nudity. By societal terms, my body is nothing to call home about. Yet, the more I grow into my absolute authenticity, empowering my self-esteem and unfolding life purpose, the more comfortable I feel in my own skin. There IS an inner beauty that shines through. To exist as an example of self confidence in a imperfectly perfect package is an honor for me. I promote nudity, because it’s just another way to promote being authentic and having consistent and constant self-love. When you know who you are, when your soul is full of peace and love and happiness, you can't help but be beautiful.

So then, the big question is: What comes first? The chicken or the egg? The acceptance of your body or the acceptance of your soul? Loving the curves of your body or the depth of your heart? I think it's commonplace to believe that if you are 'perfect' on the inside, the body will follow along. Or that you'll be happy once you get your body looking 'better'. But what if, by seeing enough real, imperfect bodies, you begin to accept yours, and from there you begin to accept your individual thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities. When you stop judging and start loving others with all their imperfections, it's only a matter of time before you do the same for yourself :).

The intention of this blog (along with all of them), is just to get you thinking. There is no right or wrong when it comes to nudity, just what we are comfortable with. We are all soooo different, and at such different stages in life (half the naked riders had their undies on!). Is it not true that what can be a powerful tool for one may seem crazy to another? Sometimes just being open to the possibility is all it takes to start a domino effect of goodness. :)

I hope you have a wonderful and happy 4th of July weekend! Wishing you sun, fun, freedom... and inner and outer confidence! If at some point you should want to experience being entirely unmasked, but need some stepping stones, give me a holla!! I’ll don my birthday suit a million times if it helps to get this point across... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL :).

P.S. Here's some links to blogs/articles/photos from the spectacular event:

Blog from a first-timer , Oregon Live coverage, Stripped-down-look

The house that made me.

2015-04-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I officially sold my house. The house. The ridiculously, extraordinarily empowering house that has allowed me to travel for three+ years, to pursue knowing myself, finding myself, loving myself, discovering my authentic life and purpose, and is now gifting me the ability to build my future. The house I made is literally paying me back for believing in it. YAHOOOOO!!!!

Before, March 2010

I found this fixer-upper on Zillow back in 2010. It was a two-years-vacant foreclosure: ugly, beat up, and with all sorts of problems. It had many suitors but no takers. Within minutes of entering though, I knew it was the one. It had character, promise, and most definitely potential.

What I saw in my mind (and created) when I first walked in. That ceiling!!!

I gave it love, attention, and a chance... it gave me the wings, foundation, and opportunity to have the sweeter-than-sweet life I was meant to live :). THANK YOU HOUSE!!!!

I bought it for $155,000 on March 31, 5 years ago today. It took some jumping through all sorts of hoops (i.e. the banks didn't want to loan on the condition), and the taking of some giant risks (i.e. it had an illegal structure attached). In a way it was my baby, spending the next 9+ months being happily anti-social, spending every evening and weekend in full on renovation mode while still working full time in my architecture office. I suppose I was tired and stressed, but moreso glowing with pride and love and the excitement of all the newness. I spend about $90,000 in renovations, giving it new windows, doors, flooring, a roof, etc, etc....a new life. It started to look and feel like a home again. I loved living in it, I loved showing off the transformation, I loved continuing to beautify it. I think it decided to thank me for believing in it. It said "Heyyyyyy, why don't you rent me out and get the heck outta Miami?!?"

And that's how I've lived the last 3.5 years, Thriving on the rental income I earned each month (full story here). These last 3.5 years have been nothing short of magic, chock full of life experiences that have made me understand so much about life, about love, about what happiness really is and where it comes from, how blessed I have been, how much I have to share, and how much more I have to learn.

After! December, 2010

March 2015! Wowza, check out those plants!!

Yesterday, one day shy of exactly 5 years since I bought it, it closed for final sale price of $472,500....

Holyyyyyy shitballs right?!?! Math has always been my favorite subject, but that investment equation just might be my favorite computation eveeeeeer! I share the numbers solely to put a physical real-life example on what I am constantly preaching. Take risks. Take a chance. Look for potential. See the good. Be the good. Really listen to your inner voice. Follow it. Follow your heart. Be vulnerable. Believe in yourself, invest in yourself, and follow a path so upstanding that you have nothing to hide. “Pronoia” is the belief that the universe is conspiring to help you. That is what I believe, that life has invested in me, like I invested in my house, so that I can give back ten-fold, making as big of an impact as I can.

So what's next? After living the last three years on $1100/month, believe without a doubt that I could live out the rest of my days in blissed-out self-centric ease, in a hammock in Nicaragua with a mango juice and good book in hand.

Sounds rad right?!? Certainly I’ve entertained the idea of doing just so, but that trickle of self-fulfilling thought gets drowned out by my constant flood of desire to play a bigger part in elevating the overall human experience. If the last three years taught me anything, it's that we make a living by what we get, but a life by what we give. I have no desire to get money rich. Money for me is nothing but a means to do more good in the world (hence the Spread Happy journey!). I've been blessed to understand how it feels to be soul rich, and I'm not only addicted to it, I can't fathom not trying to share it.

It's become overly and utterly apparent that the more authentically I live my life and nurture the core needs I have, the more extraordinary my contribution outside becomes. Each and every one of us have something unique to offer the world, in all different shapes, sizes and scales. Mine happens to be big and bold, and I mean there to be no comparison to anyone else’s. My message is this: When you grow, invest and arrive to the point of solid self-worth, self-care, and self-love, you won’t compare. You just know you are doing the right thing. And from that right thing grows this bliss, right along with a need to contribute in your own special way.

That’s what The Bloom Woods is. The combination of everything that makes my soul thrive, so that I can continue to live and grow into my highest level and therefore contribute to the world at my highest level. That is the goal of life right? To be able to combine all the things you love into something that can not only provide a means to live well and happy but also a clear way to give back? Check out my new website for all the details of The Bloom Woods here!

The success of my house in Miami is but a testament to me that I am on the right path. The outcome, whatever it shall be, is exactly right. I don't just know it, but I breathe this: everything turns out exactly as it should. No fear, because I know my intention. When you have fear, simply look to your intention. Is it pure? Is it good? Is it making a positive difference for others? Then poke that fear in the eye and drop it like a ten thousand pound weight. :)

The worst that can happen? I lose it all and have to start over! Actually, all the money I'm making from this sale will be spent by October of this year, invested in the Bloom Woods land, the infrastructure, and a small cabin for myself and one for mom that will be build this summer!!! That is not scary, it's exciting. I see the potential. I don't know exactly what’s going to happen,or where all these ideas in my head might end up....and thats just fine, because the overall goal is there: "Be the change you want to see in the world." My life purpose is to Spread Happiness any and every chance I get!!!

I leave you with this analogy from the architect/philosopher in me: Ugliness is a temporary condition, one need only look deeper. Beauty comes from a light in the soul. Beauty comes from letting a structure, an idea, a person, be what it was meant to be. All one needs to do is feed that light. Feed it with love, kindness and authenticity. You have to scrape away the layers of society. Sometimes full on demolition. Find the true you. Find the true meaning. Find what you want to be. Uncover it. Love it. Believe in it. Take that risk and step forward into change. Don't be afraid to fail. Failure is but a stepping stone to your authentic and extraordinary life.

Love is Love: Spread Happy Huntsville!

2015-03-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

Our first event is coming up, and it's GOING TO ROCK!!!

We've gotten hooked up with a rad venue that is also going to advertise for us!! We got shirts and stickers and paints and banners ANDDDD special guest Mr. Christopher Scott Boykin is going to come up from Florida for it!!!! Woohoooo!!!

Check out the sweet flyer Parker made:

"In the midst of the Alabama's state court challenging a federal court order to issue same-sex marriage licenses, The Bloom Wagon team is organizing a day of love, joy and rainbows on the East Lawn at Lowe Mill Arts & Entertainment, America’s largest independent center for the arts. Join the #SpreadHappy team by bringing your blankets to lounge, your instruments to play, your frisbees to toss --all to support marriage equality. Wear your most colorful outfit and help paint a community rainbow mural to show that love is love; no matter the age, size, race, or gender. Spread Happy! "

SOOOOOO, come on out and support a great cause! If you are an artist, bring your own easel and canvas and feel free to paint your own rainbow work as well. A performer? A musician? A nerf football badass? A professional picnicker? Come on out: your presence is present enough :).

Much love,

Becky Jo

The Bloom Wagon is an RV on a cross-country road trip, powered by 3 friends with a mission to spread happiness, love and authenticity, while promoting and encouraging others to encourage others! Find out the route and more info to join in, follow along and participate at www.thebloomwagon.com, on instagram @thebloomwoods or facebook. Stay continuously involved by striving to Spread Happy whenever and wherever you can by hashtaging #spreadhappy and #thebloomwagon

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

Be a Candle AND a Mirror

2015-03-04T15:09:00.001-08:00

I say, be a candle AND a mirror :).

Certainly I like to shine, but oh oh oh oh oh I tell you without a doubt, I would rather be the slowest, dumbest, laziest, least developed person in a room.

What, what? Isn't it nice to be the best?? In my case, I think no! WHY?? Because growth is my greatest constant need. I'm a front row, A+ teacher's pet, and proud of it. Learning is my hobby.

As much as I love to inspire, I LOVEEEE to be inspired. I love to instigate, but I LOVE to support. I love to lead, but I LOVE to follow. I love to teach, but I LOVE to learn.

I start things because I have a need for continual progress and I love to share all things good. But, when someone else has an idea I can get behind, I am GUNG-HO! Have you ever seen this FANTASTIC (that's cue for watch it!) 3 min video about how to start a movement?? In a gist, it explains how the first person to do something 'out there', is just considered a crazy (that's why I'm happy to start things, I don't mind being the crazy one). BUT, the video explains how it's actually the first follower that is most brave, and most critical! This person is putting themselves out there to be equally criticized, but is taking the chance anyways. From there, someone else joins, another, another... and the next thing you know: MOMENTUM! (Seriously watch the video, it's so good!)

In college, my girlfriend Kim and I used to start the dance floor like it was our job. Sandbar on Thursday night, 10pm: everyone is mingling and the floor is empty. She and I walk in, strut out, swing our hips (and mind you I'm no natural dancer!)... and without fail, people would start pouring onto the floor. Our work is done; The night has begun. :)

SO people! Here's what you need to know about me. I love to support the superhumans and those that don't know they are superhuman yet :). I encourage this beautifully EASY gift of encouraging others!! You can be a candle AND a mirror! I love to see people overcome their fears, and entertain their crazy ideas that come straight from the heart (aka take chances!). I love to see authenticity come to the surface. I want to be your first follower! OR, if that is too risky/scary/uncomfortable, I can be the 'crazy' for YOUR idea, and you can be the first follower (and no one will be the wiser ;)!

On this #spreadhappy tour, I'm sure to meet at least one person that is ready to take a risk, and just needs a cheerleader/sideside/audience/follower. They want to perform, they want to teach a skill, they want to try out an idea. Anything. They want to sing karaoke, be the first one on a dance floor, they want to recite a poem, look in another humans eyes and feel love, or just go skinny dipping for the first time ever!!! Whatever happens, we'll be smiling all along :). Do you like to encourage others too?? GREAT! Collaborate with us!! We'll take some stow-aways on a ride for sure :).

And with that, I'd like to just dive into what the Bloom Woods is. What the Bloom Wagon is. They are both me, my philosophies, just different modes of delivery. They are vessels through which to support people on their journey forward. They are places that shall be non-judgmental, positive, and safe, but push the boundaries of the comfort zone.

The Bloom Woods is the long term dream. It is the newly-purchased land upon which I will happily toil and labor and spend my days beautifying and molding into it's own destiny. What that is exactly may take many forms. Certainly it will take many years (my lifetime really) and lots of capital that I will figure out later where it will come from. What I do know is it's a place the truth-seekers, deep-thinkers, and open-minders can thrive, expand, bloom. :) Ground breaking this Spring!

The Bloom Wagon is the official mobile unit of the Bloom Woods! Clever eh?? It is the starting point. It is the kick-off. It is right now! It is happening, in a sweet-looking 1988 RV that we are painting something like this:

We'll be selling these stickers if you want to pre-order!!! $2.00 includes postage!

How AWESOME is this logo??? The ridiculously talented Mr. Parker Jones designed and drew that up!!! I am sooooo stoked on this, not only because it is amazing, he is amazing (as a human and an artist), but because this is something Parker wants to do professionally! He's a landscape architect who loves graphic design, but hasn't marketed his 'hobby'. I knew he liked to play around, but it wasn't until he was already on board that I learned he wants to begin designing logos for cool companies.

FATE!!! That's what I call that!!!

How ridiculous that we became such good friends last year (we met in training to be adventure tour guides). Such good friends in fact, he was a deciding factor for this Bloom Wagon journey. If he had said no when I asked him to join me... I probably would have done something much different. I tell you, when you find Superstars, you hold onto them!! You learn from them! You lift them! You support them and simultaneously soak up all their goodness! So much greatness in this dude!

Give a holla to Mr. Parker Jones if you need some design services. Follow him on Instagram @national_parker! At 24, we can all know that we are going to see big and amazing things from this rising star :)! Thank you Parker, for being the first very important follower in my crazy idea to do a #SpreadHappy Tour!

Click it for more info!!!

The Bloom Wagon: Spread Happy!!!

2015-02-24T13:08:00.001-08:00

Living my architect side's dream right now by designing a pretty awesome cabin/treehouse to live in on an amazing piece of land (read about it here) I just bought in Washington State!!! Since it's raw land though, I need somewhere to live while building. Hmm, well, I just so happen to own an RV (with pink interiors!!!) that is currently parked in Alabama. Perfect! ....just need to get it here.... plain driving it across would be too vanilla for me....

Ahhhhh, the idea is born!! My performer side's dream comes true too:

I loooooveee to spread happiness. I love to work hard, I love to play hard, I love to do good deeds, make people smile, and be an example of how much greatness one can squeeze out of our one wild and precious life! What better way to combine all that than on an epic cross country RV adventure trip, practicing the always awesome art of spreading happy?! Want to be a part of this?? Yes please!

What we'll be doing:

Creating events, outings, gatherings, and social shenanigans of all kinds where we can spread love, joy and happiness, inspiring curiosity, growth and change. There will be random acts of kindness, volunteering, and all around good times in both urban and rural settings, as well as climbing mountains, seeking out swimming holes, and searching for adventurous and authentically awesome people (who may eventually be a part of the Bloom Woods! See workaway.info ad here)

Positivity rules the RV, henceforth known as the Bloom Wagon ... the mobile unit of the Bloom Woods! :).

Parker's concept sketch for the Paint Job= YES YES YES!

Who we are:

I (Becky Fromm) met Parker Jones in training class, both having been hired as cross-country adventure tour guides. We met, we camped, we bonded, we had ridiculous amounts of fun, and we chatted many a night away over any topic under the sun. As both architects by degree and funsters by birth, a beautiful friendship was inevitable :)

We are so open to other people hopping on with us! Where do you live? Let's swing by and pick you up for a day or two!

Requirements for joining are:

Be an AWESOME person: meaning badass, big-hearted, open-minded soulful human being who is clever, compassionate, confident, and a great communicator interested in making the world a better place!

Send me an email (beckyjo@thebloomwoods.com) with a little video of yourself saying how you're awesome, where you're located, and what idea you've got to #spreadhappy!!! Send some other unabashed info about yourself too! Don't be shy, I am an information junkie... the more the betttttttterrrr :)

What we need help with:

We need contacts all across the US (from Alabama to Washington State) who can:

-help us set up events (social, volunteer, adventure, etc)

-find either the individuals or organizations that would greatly appreciate some helping hands and some happy!

-create some buzz for us

-collaborate with local businesses

-find the best spaces/places/adventures in the local area

-people who want to stow-away and go on a mini adventure with us!

Or any other skills you want to share with us to make it outstanding!!!!

Here's our general destination route, which most certainly will change and have detours added, so if you are full of enthusiasm for spreading happy, don't be scared if your location is far off :). Approximately dates: leaving Huntsville, AL March 23, arrival to Hood River, OR, April 23, 2015.

IDEAS welcome! Suggestions welcome! Hook-ups welcome! Introductions to awesome people welcome!!!! We are hoping to find a Videographer to come along for the whole ride, expenses covered! A grand adventure for free?? Yess! It's for real!! We're going to be making YouTube videos along the way and a documentary of the whole trip! Know someone who would be perfect?? Is it you? Please check out below for more info!

So please, please share this around with anyone who could benefit or be involved!!! Email me at beckyjo@thebloomwoods.com. The website is underway, but feel free to follow along at @thebloomwoods on instagram, and hashtag #spreadhappy!!!

THANKS SO MUCH!!!!

VIDEOGRAPHER WANTED!!

The lowdown:

We’re looking for a badass, big-hearted, open-minded soulful human being who is clever, compassionate, confident, and a great communicator interested in making the world a better place!... who is also a gifted videographer :).

Our current team of 2 enthusiastic and positive persons are heading off on an epic cross country RV trip, with the intent to practice the always awesome art of spreading happy. We’d like to document this journey... that’s where YOU come in!

What you’ll be doing:

Videoing the adventures! The prep, the drive, funny moments, impromptu social interactions, and most importantly, the spread happy events. Just plan to be camera ready at all times :).

Making/editing/uploading short films on a consistent basis, while planning for a longer, overall journey recap film at the termination. Team member Parker will also be part of this.

Helping any which where else you would like to contribute :).

Logistics:

Departure: Huntsville, AL, Approximately March 23
Arrival: Columbia Gorge, WA/OR, Approximately April 23

Overall availability: March 16- May 1. Final dates disclosed upon selection.

Route: To be determined (will take suggestions!).

Included:

All costs associated with RV, including fuel, campgrounds, upkeep. Also all materials needed for events, advertising, marketing. Freedom to be creative (and we encourage you to self-promote yours skills). Opportunity to inspire people. Epic memories of a lifetime!!!!

AND, your flight from wherever you are to us in Huntsville, AL.

Asked of you:

We are plant-based, organic and healthy eaters. You don’t have to be, but you should be willing and pleasant in regard to eating this way! It’s so yum :) If you have the means if would be great if you can pitch in for food, but since you are 'working', it's not required.

Excluded:

Your end flight from Portland, OR to wherever you are going (unless you decide to stay on. Further engagement may be available! The Gorge is an AMAZING place to spend the summer :)

Your own entertainment. Your cell phone. Costs of equipment/ software. Booze :). Basically think of it like a fun road trip w/ good friends (which we’ll be very soon). We’ll cover the basics, you cover anything additional you will want/need for you own personal needs. We hope beyond hope this is something you can add to your portfolio (and personal experiences) that will bring goodness to your life :)

Overall Expectations:

Ideas are welcome! We want to get to know you! We want your input and insight. We want you to use this for your own creative expression and promotion as well!

On a continual daily basis: work on marketing, website updates, social media, the video editing, trip planning, promotional advertising, grocery shopping, and a bonus if you can cook some of the meals or drive some of the drive.

Application Requirements:

Please email or submit links of the following to beckyjo@thebloomwoods.com by March 6. Selection will be made by March 13th, 2015. We'll fly you out on or around March 20th, 2015.

1.) 3-4 examples of your video work
2.) Testimonials from past clients and their contact info.

3.) Please submit a 2-3 minute SIMPLE video of yourself, just talking, nothing fancy. Express why you want to be part of this adventure, and tell us about YOU. Not just as a videographer (your work can speak for itself, right?) but as a human being. We will all be in super close quarters for at least a month. Our promise to you: we will share our loving souls, generous hearts, and the ability to communicate even when it’s hard. And provide loads of fun :).

Also, please check out these videos to understand what style we like. Think a mix of fun, funky, inspirational travel adventure videos mixed with anything Soul Pancake :) Of course it should be unique and individual, show us your stuff!

Living the Adventure, Captain and Clark, Hey Nadine,
Learning with Louis, Storytravelers, Vagabrothers, Travel by Michael Flarup, Jonas and Steve, Heart Attack!

Equipment Requirements:

All necessary equipment you’d need to produce a quality film. That’s up to you. Super fancy is not required, but quality is. We currently have a Go-Pro for anytime use.

Example: camera, video camera, computer, software, backup equipment, tripod, protective case and carrying luggage (able to be worn- i.e. on a motorcycle). Head gear to capture footage on adventures (hike/bike/swim).

Additional Applicant Qualifications:

Must be empathetic and sensitive to the emotions of ALL humans. Must be a great communicator. Must be capable and happy to engage in deeper conversation and experiences. Must be compassionate, courageous, and able to answer the question, “What makes you special?”.

Must also enjoy nature, adventures, eccentricity, and be adaptable to all situations. A low-maintenance lover of camping, and of possibly ‘roughing it’ for days at a time. We don’t expect or want perfection, just all-around awesome :).

Minimum age: 25.

Applicant Suggested Qualifications (not required):

Willing to ride on the back of (or drive) a motorcycle at times :).

Other notes:

Housing will be provided thru May 1, although we may arrive to Hood River a week or two prior. You will have this time to continue with the video production.

The agreement will end upon issuance of the final video, but further engagement and/or employment could be discussed upon arrival to WA.

We are happy and willing to help you in your personal goals and endeavors. If you have ideas or suggestions, please let us know!

Follow us:

Becky: @thebloomwoods
Parker: @national_parker

THANKS!!!!

#spreadhappy :)

Vulnerability: the birthplace of Innovation :)

2015-02-22T16:52:00.001-08:00

I love her so much. All of her books are fabulous. And if you haven't seen her TED Talk,
please watch it HERE. It's so worth the 20 mins :)

Yesterday morning I was stressed, cranky and super emotional! I just couldn't keep it together. I felt compelled to make a quick video... which led to another... which led to an idea... which led to excitement... which led to my mission of spreading happy... which led to a new friend... and then the next thing I knew, I was documenting the whole awesome day!!!!

This is why I love vulnerability, you get right to the heart of what's wrong when you're in such a real true raw and emotional state. This is why there is no such thing as a 'bad' experience to me. We learn, we grow, we create change from the hard times. I loveeee the hard times!! Isn't it true that flowers grow from the dirt?!! :)

Here's my day, starting from tears and ending with a fabulous idea turned initiative for spreading happy. How can I help you??!! Want to be on part of our #SpreadHappy Tour???!! :) Enjoy!

SO, as you saw, I got super stoked about building a community, bartering, asking for help, and Spreading Happy!!!! I did make a workaway.info listing, check it out here!!!!! I'm so ready to really start doing my part to create goodness in the world on a bigger level, and having a home base is critical for my rejuvenation (see last blog for more on that!). THAT SAID, do you want to be a part of this? Either with your own project you need help with or do you know someone that could use some help? Do you know fun adventurous and GOOD people that could help us set up events along our journey?

Here's our general destination route, which most certainly will change and have detours added, so don't be scared if your idea is far off :).

IDEAS welcome! Suggestions welcome! Hook-ups welcome! Introductions to awesome people welcome!!!! We are hoping to find a Videographer to come along for the whole ride! Please check out this page for more info, and share it! Pretty please!!

THANK YOU! xoxoxo

HOME!! Home! home :)

2015-02-19T14:46:00.005-08:00

HEY HEY HEYYYY, I’m a land owner! It’s offiicial! AHHHHHH!!!!!!

(if that doesn't work, here's a link to Youtube)

Yup, yup yup, you heard that right! It’s an 8.9 acre slice of Heaven in Carson, WA. The heart of the magnificent Columbia Gorge, smack dab in the middle of the world- renowned Pacific Northwest! It's amazingggg...and it’s got my name on it!!! I feel like a proud parent. My baby, the Bloom Woods, has an address :).

The site is overflowing with character. Very dynamic, steep slopes, super green, great groupings of trees (for treehouses!) and simply oozing with Potential!!!! It’s close to town yet feels secluded, it follows 1,100’ of Carson Creek, AND.... IT HAS A WATERFALL! Like a legit, 12’ + Waterfall!! It’s absolutely perfecttttt!!

My friend Sara modeling the waterfall. Pics don't do it justice!

Deb and I adding some color, marking out the first cabin site!

Transplanting our first trees!

The creeeeeekkkk!!! Already with a log crossing :)

Yes yes and yes :)

"Study Nature. Love Nature. Stay close to Nature. It will never fail you." -Frank Lloyd Wright

“Nature is not a place to visit. It is home.”
― Gary Snyder

Cuteness bench!

"In every walk in nature, one receives far more than one sees." -John Muir

The first time I saw this property was the day after thanksgiving. Yes, almost THREE months ago!!! Since then it’s been a crazy mess of coordinating, researching, and planning (basically me running around like a mad woman :). To the building department, the utilities department, meeting with septic engineers, surveyors, geotechnical engineers, green home consultants, contractors, making site visits, creating master plans, home designs, garden placement, getting approvals from the city, the state, understanding the codes, adjusting lot lines, introducing myself to the neighbors, negotiating with the owner, researching compost toilets, grey water systems, solar, local materials, basically everything.... wheewwww! And that was just for due diligence!! It took a while, but it’s offically DONE! The exchange of title has been submitted to the courthouse!! Becky Jo Fromm= land owner!!!!! YEHAAWWWW!!

Everybody is excited at the courthouse!!! 2-18-2015!

So, what does this mean for the Bloom Woods??!! My dream and vision for over 2 years now? It's alive and thriving!!!! Think creative retreats, community gatherings, educational programs, adventures, home-stays, healthy living, and definitely nature and nurturing the blooming of self!!! Did I mention my mom is moving out here to be my right-hand woman??? Um, yes! She's not only my favorite person in the world, but a ridiculously talented landscape designer, interior decorator, and simply superb painter, muralist and overall artist. It's 9 acres of blank canvas, ready to unleash our creative talents on! Have no doubt, this place is going to be fan-f'ing-tastic :).

These dreams… they are huge. Giant. I like having giant dreams because I love to be inspired, to constantly be reaching and growing. That said, I will continue to rein myself in just enough to stay on par with the dreaded budget :). And truth be told, all that I actually need right now is simply a home. Ahhh.. just saying it makes my heart warm :).

Oct 28, 2011 was the last night I slept in my house in Miami; I’ve been living out of my backpack ever since. Sans a 3 month apartment I rented and 2 months at my mom’s, I haven’t stayed in any one bed more than a few weeks, and most often much less. My backpack has been brutalized in the most glorious of ways: via 6 Continents :). I think I can legitimately call myself a true nomad.

While my wild side has thrived, my domestic side has emerged in full force. I love to cook! I love to clean! I love to organize! I love to be home after dark! Every single cell in my body has been screaming home, home, home! Give me a home! :).

One of the biggest revelations that has come up in the last 3 years, is my quite surprising tendency towards introversion, at least in the way that describes where you get your energy. I gain my energy almost entirely from solitude. I then get so jivved up, I have to explode that exuberance somewhere: on you :). That’s what I'm known for, the eruptions of my built up energy. It can be intense, so I’ve been told :). But, if I haven't had that solo time, what you see is tired and strained and me floundering between two worlds. The incubation is vital to the bloom.

With any eruption though, that energy can drain pretty fast (speed depending on the company), and I must retreat to my space to build up again. Oh wait... what space?? That’s right... I haven’t had one.

BUT NOW I DOOOOO!!!!!! Now I do, now I do, now I do!!!! I’m GIDDDDYYYYY!

Okay, so it's raw land still...meaning no 'home' just yet... but at least I can see it :)

Having this home base is absolutely crucial for me. The solitude, the recharge, the meditation, the silence... these have become clearly essential to balance my eruptions of extroversion. Discovering and getting intimate with meditation has absolutely been indespensible all this time, and I will forever practice and preach of it's miracles. Of course, having a dedicated space for meditation seems even better!!!!!

I have a million plans for the Bloom Woods, but the reality is... the Bloom Woods is simply a representation of me. It’s my philosophy for living, “Be always Blooming.” Nature heals me. Solitude heals me. Growth heals me. I have every intention that the Bloom Woods (the company) will grow into it’s appropriate purpose, whatever that may be, along with me growing into my ever-more authentic self and the magnificent evergreen trees that will shelter it all.

Of course, having a homebase doesn’t mean I’ll stay put :). It just means I’ll know I can, if and when I need too :) My life goal is to spend 6 months with people and 6 months in solitude. There will always be travel, that is certain. My life is the balance between extreme home and extreme adventure. It's always about a balance :).

My journey thus far? Flipping fantastic! It's crazy to know that I've gotten to see/do/be so much, yet I'm only just beginning!!! The last 3+ years especially have be INEXPLICABLY WONDERFULLY and AMAZINGLY INDESCRIBABLE (read almost 4 years of novel-length blogs that just touched the surface of illustrating the transformation) :). I really can’t summarize except to say that leaving Miami was the best thing EVER I could have done for myself, my true self. I was not living my most authentic life there. I knew it but I didn’t know what was missing. I've regained a large part, but still know I’m not even close to entirely there, but certainly loving the process of discovery every day, feeling as authentic as I can be for what I’ve experienced thus far.

Without a doubt, I believe we have to actively seek our authentic selves. Curiosity, courage, confidence.. these are things we must cultivate. There are things we were born to be and do, and often times, it might be something you’ve never even heard of, have no hint of, no experience with. Being authentic is not always easy, but by-golly it’s a fight I am willing to fight tooth and nail for :). Are you? Even as authentic as I live, I know there is still something coming for me. Something else untapped, just waiting for me to unearth it (ahhh!, can’t wait! what’s it gonna be??!!)

In my life's book, I'm closing in on the 'plot thickens' part! Page turner!!!!

SO, what does this mean financially? To be able to afford this land, I’m selling my house in Miami. which means I will cease to have an income! AHHHHH!!!! That’s freaking scary.... but a worthy fear that I am walking thru with gusto. I could very well live out the rest of my days in my current situation, especially if I moved to Nicaragua. BUT, I’ve got dreams bigger than universes people, and I’ve never been one to just sit back and wait ;). My plan is to just start. Start with one cabin. Start with what I have and where I can. My plans of course extend far beyond that one cabin, but it will all work out perfectly (EWOP!). Whether you call it faith, confidence, assurance... there’s a fire in my heart that’s too powerful than to mean anything but success. It’s a wondrous thing, this 'knowing.‘ You’ve got to find it for yourself, but it’s worth finding. Get right with your intentions, and all the world conspires to help you :).

“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy—all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~ Cassandra Clare

What’s the worst that could happen? Maybe I run out of money. Maybe I have to get a job. Maybe I’ll have to sell. Maybe I'll drop it all and live in a box. Maybe this land will never be anything more than my home. Maybe it's mean to be something entirely different. All or any of these things would be sooooo fine! The beauty of no expectations, the beauty of an open mind, the beauty of knowing that whatever is supposed to be will be.... is that fear becomes synonymous with exciting. Oh, I feel fear for sure. These last three months I’ve cried and been stressed and have gotten ridiculous, FOR SURE. But it just feels right. I'm feeling the fear, I'm accepting it, loving it, and I’m walking all over it :). It's all just another twist in the plot! I do love this book ;)!

You know what might happen??? Maybe some investor will come along and fund the whole project! Or maybe the right people will join up and get the next building going! Or maybe my other big exciting news will be a smashing success and another source of income will start up to fill in the slack!!

What’s this? Other BIG NEWS?? Yup.. cuz you know I’m all about that double rainbow :)

THISSSSS... is the fantastic way I’ve schemed up to get my RV out here from Alabama, so I can live in it while building the treehouse!!! I’m ecstatically fortunate to have the most wonderful and unparalleled Mr. Parker McAfee Jones coming along, and we are going to take a month just spreading happy along the way!!!!!!!! Yup, yup, yup, fun, fun, fun!!! What’s that mean anyways? Spread Happy? Think random acts of kindness, think volunteering, think sidewalk shows, think social shenanigans, think nature events, think community art, think soul searching, think intro to anything, think adventure... think whatever might pop into our heads! Or yours! Got ideas? Share them!!!

Seriously, we are looking for opportunity to do good deeds! Do you need help on a project? yard over grown? Need a fence painted? Please let us know, we might be able to add you to the itinerary!!!

It's gonna be sooooooooooo epic!!!!!

Parker's BADASS concept design for the Bloom Wagon. YES. YES. YES :)! Follow him at @national_parker

ANDDDD, we are looking for another AWESOME person to join us! This person must be first and foremost a top-notch lovely soul that loves epic adventures... and then, a talented videographer! We're going to be making you-tube videos along the way and a documentary of the whole trip! Know someone who would be perfect?? Is it you? Please pass this info flyer along to them please please!!! Or find the same info at this page.

The website is underway, but feel free to follow along at @thebloomwoods on instagram, and hashtag #spreadhappy!!!

The Top Ten

2015-02-10T18:05:00.002-08:00

Time for a Blog Highlights Reel!

It's been close to 4 years since I started this thing. Not sure how I went the first 28 years without it... I looooveee to write!! I tried to make it a TOP TEN list... but that was impossible. I got it down to 13... close enough :)

Listed in chronological order, old to new, here are some of my favorite Blogs:

13. I heart Weirdo's: This blog is from 2011. It's no wonder I love them... I've become captain of the team :).

12. Close your Eyes: My first intro to meditation, forever changed my life. Thank you Australia, for bringing this into my life!

11. Kindness of Strangers: Australia was amazing. IS amazing. So are Aussies :).

10. 4 Days of Kolkate awesome: Incredible India, what can I say. That place is magic :).

9. Happy Birthday to meeeeeee!: That wonderful day I entered my 30's. Oh I do love this decade!

8. Farmville... not the Facebook kind: Arguably one of my favorite home-stays, with a Nepalese family. Cultural immersion at it's finest!

7. Snakes, Islands, Flat Tires, and a moral Dilemma: Just a little scooter ride across the country of Vietnam. No big deal :).

6. God Bless you GodBlessy: A recap of my transformative month stay at the Orphanage in Moshi, Tanzania, Africa.

5. My Inner Voice is Loud too: Ponderings after a magnificent stay at the Pleasant Valley Sanctuary, a yoga and meditation retreat in Northern Cali.

4. Of Mountains and Motorcycles: Halfway into my 4,000 mile motorcycle East Coast Roadtrip, I'm in love with nature and tell you alllllll about it :)

3. Refuse the Dinner Date: Why I love being single, and dating advice from yours truly :).

2. Life is beautiful: Rantings from a sick girl (me) who was (and is!) HIGH on LIFE!

1. Adventure and Ashram Magic: A recap of my first few weeks in Ecuador. A mighty adventure up a 15,000' hike, and the beginning of my yoga teacher training. Perfection :)

Enjoy!

Yes, I love rainbows. No, I'm not a lesbian… but if I was that would be fabulous :).

2015-02-04T13:09:00.001-08:00

“I cannot tell you how great it was to be a teenager in San Fransisco in the 70’s. Gender was completely fluid. The high school was so focused on academic achievement that the most prestigious people tended to be the chinese girls who where just acing all their classes. If you weren’t bisexual in high school, you had to pretend to be in order to be socially acceptable. I wish that kind of eduction on everyone.”

- Naomi Wolf

In all my rainbow glory ;)

I've got rainbow pants, rainbow socks, rainbow shoes, rainbow shirt, rainbow suspenders, rainbow jacket, rainbow earrings, rainbow watch, and who could miss the recent addition of my rainbow hair :). I’ve also got a rainbow umbrella... and for the purpose of this blog I took a picture of myself wearing just about all of that :)

Can't forget my rainbow toes! They like the mud ;)

It’s been almost a full year since I started officially dying my hair. The first on-purpose permanent dye was this two-tone blue amazingness of last February. Ohhhh lordy, that was the beginning of a passionate color affair for me :).

I got this color just before my sister's wedding…only after realizing they might not appreciate my bright addition to their wedding photos. I was slightly nervous when I called to tell them, but their response was better-than-dreamed-up. "It's perfect. When our future kids look back at our wedding pictures, they'll say, yup, that's aunt Becky!!" Niceee :)

After that phenomenal do, I underwent a series of random, cheap, but still fully awesome color dyes. Even had a few fun friends try and color it with kool-aid and jello powder... you know, junior high style :)

Pinky pink fun :)

This was 4-color awesomeness…. for about 1 wash. Then it was just purple :)

Good thing I like purple! This one started out blue ;)

The first on-purpose test color. Washable blue gel when I was Czech Republic summer of '13!

No such thing as an 'accident'. The real beginning of my affection for coloring my hair began with this inadvertently fabulous dye that happened during the Holi festival of India, March of 2012. It's a religious event, but ends up being a country-wide reason to throw paint all over each other all day smile emoticon. Some of the paint throw on me was semi-permanent, leaving my face was purple for like 3 days, my hair like this for almost 3 weeks. So happy for this 'accident' :).

This one is totally a wig... But so awesome, right? :)

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Being back here in the wonderful state of Washington for the end of 2014, I knew I needed to ring in my Power Year (the year I turn 33!!!!) with some rainbow magic :). I went back to see Ms. Heather at Strawberry Mountain Salon in White Salmon. She’s a wizard with color (go see her! ) and the one who produced this vibrant good luck charm right on my head :)

La-la-la loviinnnggg it :)

Since I’ve had this spectacular ‘do’, all sorts of attention has befallen me: compliments, double-takes, high-fives, thumbs-up, as well as blank stares and a few uppity noses. All anticipated with any form of being ‘out-there’, and all welcome because it’s a constant source of my beloved social experiments. What would you think of someone with rainbow hair? Would you pre-judge them? Discount them? or think they were awesome? You just never know. I walk around with the lesson “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” ready to metaphorically pull out of my back pocket at all times ;).

This is my thing: Creating opportunities, experiences, events, questions, ideas or space that seeks out truth, growth, change, reasons for others to be bold, be different, or think outside the box. That may sound odd, but I’m odd, so it works :). In other words, I like to put myself out there, whether that be by my hair, my outfit, some costume, some experiment/performance/blog/video/question/discussion/etc... that, in turn, might make another person turn a head, strike a conversation, ponder another option, consider an alternative, think twice, or just think differently for but a moment. Light needs only but a crack to enter. Change needs only but a moment to begin. Love needs only but a second to ignite. :)

This is the title I use on my business cards :). It works pretty darn good for now.
…and btw, please notice that 'architect' is listed as a synonym!! Cooooool!!!

The rainbow hair? It’s my badge that I use to announce how I feel on the inside: "I'm colorful" or “I’m different” or “I’m unique” or “I’m fun” or “I’m crazy” or “I’m special” or “I’m a nut” or “I’m wild” or “I’m a kid at heart” ...or any such interpretation that might rouse up whosoever onlooker. Together with the approachability I strive to emanate, that’s often times enough for this fabulous conversation starter to work it’s charm :).

All praise and especially jabs alike are greeted with extreme friendliness, because you never know when you might start a domino effect! Maybe if I'm friendly, they'll be more apt to compliment other details, like the shirt of the nice lady at the coffee stand. And then maybe the coffee lady will give a free drink to the person after that. And then maybe that recipient will go pick a flower for the girl he's been nervous to talk too. And then maybe they'll fall in love and it's happily ever after!!!!... I mean, might as well dream big :).

Of course, of the various announcements my rainbow head might make, I’m skipping an obvious one that I don’t identify with; that of “I’m a lesbian”. Clearly the rainbow is a trademark for the LGBT community (I’ve been informed by my favorite adventure- barbie bestie that the word ‘homosexual’ is an expired clinical term from the 70’s and not to be used. Excellent education, thanks Christopher! ;). But you wonderful gays you, no fair keeping this symbol all to yourselves; not that you want to (or maybe you do, but you’ll share for a good cause, right?). Where did this fear of wearing a rainbow come from? Is it that pesky societal acceptance thing again? “We can’t wear a rainbow, oh no, people will think we are gay!” Well, I say It’s too fabulous and showy of a color scheme to not parade around in it, even if that means people will make their assumptions. Let there be assumptions!!!

Because those that matter don't mind!

Assuming is natural. I was recently email coordinating with someone named Dru. After a few emails she wrote, “btw, I am a woman.” I laughed so hard because I had assumed it was a man!! We can’t help it often times, but we CAN act in a way to see if the assumption was correct. I LOVE when people ask me if my hair color and rainbow clothing means I like women.

Why do I like this question? Because I’m a fan of bringing back the art of asking. Curiosity is an invaluable skill that seems to get lost as we get older, and I have a mission to help bring it back! (check out this RAD video on asking). It’s quite a terrible thing that as a nation, we’ve gotten so offended by questions, and become so defensive of them, that it’s not even kosher to ask anymore. Even simple ones like: Do you need help? Why are you doing that? Why don’t you eat meat? Do you breast or bottle feed?. (**disclaimer.. some people try to be offensive, i.e. internet commenters. Of course, this sucks, but that’s a whole ‘nother topic). We can get so much information from the internet these days, have we foregone getting it from the source of our curiosity to avoid 'the awkwardness' only to just go home and google it? It seems commonplace to stick with our assumptions and judgements that are based on our own story/background/beliefs/upbringing and that really have almost nothing to do with this other person. Let’s knock that shit off, okay peeps? Me too. It's worth the conscious effort :). Be Curious, ask questions; Honor curiosity, answer questions!

SOO, Let’s rally up and LET THERE BE CURIOSITY!!!

On that note, no I’m not a lesbian :). I'm surprised by the handful of people that have thought I was, even before the rainbows. Not that it bothers me, I suppose I could see some rational behind it. I did give it a go once, just because I feel I should try everything ;). It wasn’t for me, but I'm glad I tried. Curiosity does not kill the cat, curiosity gives you perspective, understanding, awareness, and a new frame of reference, among other things. Some folks like to argue that gay people ‘choose’ to be gay... and they can just ‘choose’ to not be. Ummm, no. IMHO, it’s as inherent as our eye color. You can try to mask it with some contacts... but it just isn’t quite the same ;). I personally know 3 people who have been in heterosexual relationships, only to get divorced and embrace their true self, which was gay. It’s unfortunate of course for those others deeply effected, but in the end it is SOOO much better to just be your true self, and thus it’s my sincere hope that we are heading towards a time when no one will ever feel the need to hide or cover their sexuality again. YAY for 36 states with legal same-sex marriage!!!

These are two of my bestest bestest friends in the world (both on left) and their soulmates! Christopher with Stratton, and Claudia with Belkis. They are not just beautiful and wonderful and charismatic, they truly make the world a better place!!!!! I am so grateful to have lived in Miami to have met and gained these remarkable friendships!

I guess in all actuality, I’ve kissed a number of girls, but those times fell into the belligerently-drunken-20-somethings-at-a-bar-scenario, and thus they don’t count in my book ;). But this one time (at band camp! not really, but not too far off!) a couple years ago, there was this one girl who was super rad and funny and through our close- proximity living situation, we developed a fast friendship. She remained platonic in the beginning and then made the big come-on. I, the experience-junkie, decided to just see. See if our burgeoning friendship could translate to attraction, see if it really is soul and personality we are attracted to, and just to satiate my curiosity. I’ll skip the PG-13 details because they are gratuitous (but if you want to know, I certainly will share!) and jump right to the major things I learned:

Social Acceptance is waaaayyyy too powerful of a force here in our culture, and even though I like to think I’m immune to it (I’m not) and even though I’d be totally happy if I was sexually attracted to females (I’m not), and even though same-sex relationships are becoming more and more accepted (as they should), the anxiety I felt about ‘getting caught’ was real... because then people would talk. OMG, talk! That talk! It’s the worst, right? No, it’s stupid. Straight up stupid (and I don’t use that word lightly!)! I almost wish I was bi so I could have a big coming-out and be like, this is SO okay :). Feeling that society-based fear irritated me since it’s counter to the way I want to live. It made me think about how bold and brave people have to be to come out of a closet. p.s. Here's an aaammmazing video about the closet we all have. It's worth a watch!
I love the science and studies that prove attraction is about energy. Pheromones, scents, aura, chemistry, brainwaves, whatever it is, whatever you call it, it’s pretty much beyond our control. For example, that great guy you wanted to like sooooo bad because he’s great in this way and that way and everyway AND he’s cute.... but it’s a no-go: Energy-mesh fail :). If you can’t force yourself to like a guy, you certainly can’t force yourself to like a girl (well, you can but that would just be a relationship fail). For me this female-female experiment was like trying to close my eyes and pretend it was a guy. Not a good success probability there ;). BUT, If it’s all about energy, maybe that was just the wrong girl, in the same way that it could be the wrong guy? In theory, True. Hmmm. Thus, in conclusion, if there came a women that had the energy I’m magnetized to, then I hope I’d be open to it. Maybe some day I will evolve to that amazing place of indifference :). I don’t actually think that’s the case though, because interesting as it was, my lesbian experience felt altogether unnatural, too soft and supple, and most importantly cockless.. and that’s just not okay for this BJ ;).

With all that I say, ROCK ON GAY people!!! I am soooo gay too, gay as in Happyyy! Why am I so happy? Because every day I engage in the beautiful practice of being authentically me (and me likes to try everything!). It’s not always easy, sometimes scary, mostly crazy and chaotic, and every once in a while shocking ;). I’m peeling away the years of layers of societal pressure that we all develop, and unfortunately sometimes suffocate under. It’s a fascinating process, one I thoroughly enjoy. “Be Always Blooming” that’s my motto :). I’m still wearing a tons of those layers, many unknown as to what they are but identifiable by the fact that I still experience nervousness or embarrassment (albeit rarely in comparison to most). What pleases me immensely, is that I know in the grand scheme of things I know nothing, which makes me so eager to keep growing. The thought of old age brings zero anxiety to me, in fact I’m overly-excited about it. Everyday I learn more.... and with 50+ years to go, that’s over 18,000 days of learning!!!!! I will be a badass old-tiedye-naked-rainbow-hair- lady someday fo’ shizzzzleeee!

And knowing myself goes hand in hand with this crazy hair :). I wear the rainbow hair because I feel like my soul is a rainbow and I can’t help but try to convey that!!!!!! :) So, I start by setting myself apart:).

Certainly, this irritates some people, who scoff and for whatever reason get annoyed and decide to narrow me down into the label of a showboat. She’s just an attention seeker, an exhibitionist, a show off! And to that I’d say:

“Well, yes. Yes I am.” :).

I am an entertainer. So are mannnnyyyy people! Why should that be a problem? It’s not, though it’s been a process for me to accept that I am an entertainer of an unconventional art for which there is no title... yet ;). What would the world be without entertainers? Boring!! Therefore, I think I’m on the perfect track, and am determined to find my own personal way, even if that means getting the occasion cold shoulders and evil scowl. And really, most of the time it means big smiles, new friends and lots of love :).

“ You should not be giving people what they want, you should be giving people what they don’t yet know they want. If you’re lucky, people discover what it was that they needed”.

-Erica Jong

What it all comes down to, is that I like to be seen. My soul feels like a rainbow, so I want that visible on the outside. What does your soul say? Do you wear it? Would you be proud to wear it? What do you do behind closed doors that you hide? Is there a feeling you hide? Should you hide it? Why do you hide it? Because it’s not good or because you might be chastised? If you lived in a utopia, with no judgement, no scoffs, no hierarchy, how would you be different? Why should it be different?

Think about it :). Aren’t we all just trying to be seen? Isn’t that why people get tattoos? Writing their stories right on their skin? Is that what body piercings are? or wearing popped collars, or dreadlocks, or tie dye, or brand-name purses? Are we trying to represent something? Some way to be seen?? (Hmm... I sense another blog topic :).

In my case, it’s easier to be seen because I not only like to be the center of attention, but I love to share my innermost thoughts. But what if you don’t? You’re not a performer? Not a big talker? No problem...you can still be seen; through your work, your contribution, your generosity. It’s a progression, with the first and most crucial step to being seen starting with seeing, loving, valuing and appreciated yourself first.

“The biggest shift for me has been learning to see, love, and appreciate myself, regardless of whether or not anyone else does. ... Believe me when I say it makes a world of difference. ....Other people can't see and value you until you see and value yourself. They also can't love and appreciate you until you love and appreciate yourself! Self care, owning every bit of who you are, cultivating confidence, and showing yourself love and appreciation is key. We show others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Those confident people that others are drawn to simply see and appreciate themselves fully at their core. They exude an attractive energy because they're attracted to and love themselves. It doesn't make you "full of yourself" and self centered, it makes you smart, powerful, and focused on what matters most to your fulfillment and happiness: you.”

-Stephenie Zamora

With that, I’ll conclude: When you commit to being the deepest and most vulnerable you, when you begin to follow your true heart, when you learn to love and value yourself so you can be seen, happiness results as a divine by-product, and that special gift you have to contribute to the world will emerge. Move towards your truest self, where there's no embarrassement or conforming. Whether that be as big as a sexual orientation, or as simple as your preference for eccentric clothing, Let. yourself. be. seen. I’m saying this to you, as well as to myself. Let yourself be seen, in all your perfectly imperfect (and maybe sometimes rainbow) glory!! ;)

Create a most wonderful and colorful day :)

#spreadhappy

@thebloomwoods

Why housesitting is fabulous :)

2015-01-02T23:32:00.000-08:00

When I first arrived out here to my housesitting station, the owner’s were nervous and apologetic that I’d get bored out here in isolation. I tried to assure them there would be no chance of that, but Bridget (the super sweet wife) still left me the phone numbers of all her friends out here, just in case I needed some human interaction;).

After 4 weeks, ‘bored’ was indeed the farthest thing from reality. That word really just doesn’t exist in my world :). I’m (as always) amazed with how fast time flies and in truth could have used another few months out there! ha

The cabin was a gem. It’s out in Glenwood, Washington, a town of approx 450 people, with a total of 68 kids in the entire K-12 school! There’s a long sweeping driveway off a mostly isolated country road that leads down to the timber-frame home. It’s a darling little floor plan, wood everything, a nice open loft and a giant masonry russian fireplace that keeps the whole place warm. It’s surrounded by a pine forest in all directions, except for a sliver cut through to allow a peak view of the amazing Mt. Adams. There are a number of out-buildings, including the firewood shed that I gathered from every day (2 top-down fires a day to keep it warm), the chicken coop (housing 11 hens), and the log-cabin storage building, on top of which the two turkeys chose to sleep every night. Interesting choice :)

Home sweet (temporary) home!

Mt. Adams heading into Glenwood. Wowza!

There’s no cell service, but we have wi-fi. This has been my least favorite part... still being so in-touch with society while delighting in the seclusion. Of course it was great to have wifi, allowing me much valuable research/coordination and prep for my upcoming plans (stay tuned!!!!!) but it also allowed me access to the pitless hole that can be social media. Uggh! I actually bought and downloaded the software “Anti-Social” which allows you to parent yourself, but my actual use of it was sparing. When I build my own cabin I’ve decided to not have internet in it. The community building of the Bloom Woods can have it, and if I need it, I have to walk there! Done deal!

So, why was is cabin sitting so awesome? It reminded me of all the reasons why I'm so ready to settle down!!! Here’s my top ten reasons... in no real order :)

10. Desire to nest: I LOVE not living out of a backpack. Period. Travel is rad and will always be part of my life... but I like being ‘home’. My first day there I unpacked every single thing, rearranged the furniture to my liking, set up my yoga/meditation zone, made a makeshift closet, an office, and moved all the lamps. Ahhh to be settled ... for a month’s worth anyways :).

9. Home planning: As an architect, the prospect of designing my own house is just as exciting as Christmas morning to a 5-yr old :). It’s extremely helpful to live in other people’s homes, because of the opportunity to both approve and nit-pick those things I would want in my own place. For instance: more LIGHT! I need masses of light, especially when the sun goes down at 4:30pm. Also, having an indoor hammock = BRILLIANT! I’ve made an entire list :)

Indoor hammock on Wild Pants Wednesday :) How awesome is that cow art?!?

8. ‘Being home’: I am a homebody for sure. For me, Day= activity, Night= home. I don’t even like to drive after dark. It’s wonderful to ‘go home’ and know I’m not leaving for days at a time.

7. Seclusion: I loved not worrying about curtains. Being in the city, or anywhere with neighbors, typically requires closing the curtains every night. Ewww no. I loved being in the middle of nowhere and not worrying that the deer could see my every move :).

6. Being outside everyday: Get wood, feed the chickens, play with Nelly, dump the compost, empty the fire ashes, get more wood, lock the chickens in, etc. I was outside at least 4-5 times a day, which is not only wonderful but easily fulfilling a daily goal of mine: to just be outside everyday. Contrary to what some people think, It’s quite easy for me to stay in all day. I get totally caught up in writing, reading, crafting, whatever. BJ and PJ’s are close buddies :).

5. Love of projects: The truly lovely family that lives here consists of the parents, their 9 and 11 year olds, and, surprise! an 8 month old baby! I had asked if there was any home projects they wanted me to work on, and they mostly (politely) dismissed the idea, but passively mentioned the pantry! Bingo!! My specialty :). It was a total pleasure to deep clean and organize their cabinets as my daily entertainment :). AND, it just reminded me so much of why I want my own place: I love to fix and organize and craft and update and revamp and Pinterest EVERYTHING!!! Having my own place means I’ll be in project heaven :).

4. Love of schedule and structure. Spontaneity is excellent for sure, but when there are certain things I want to do everyday (meditate, exercise, stretch/yoga, go outside, eat healthy) having a routine makes it soooo much easier! Of course at times it is still hard to do even when settled, but it’s a heck of a lot easier than when on the road. The grass is always greener people!

3. Discovering audiobooks!!! I found Wayne Dyer’s “Secrets of Manifesting” audiobook there, and decided to listen while driving down to town. It’s just short of an hour to Hood River, and 2 to Portland. Radio gets annoying... Audiobooks are not!!!!! This is an amazing discovery for me! Any you recommend? Or old ones you want to get rid of??? Send me, send me please!!!!

And the top #2 most awesome reasons housesitting is awesome?? These two are so great they get to have their own blogs:

2. Flirting with the kitchen: Gone Vegan!!!

1. Lessons learned from a dog!

Before saying adieu to this blog though, I just want to point out how it was I got to even do a month of most-fabulous cabin-sitting. I put out some feelers :). This is usually my stilo when I'm figuring out what's next. I sent a random email to people I knew around this area, asking about RV parks; Jay wrote back that he didn’t know about anything RV, but was I interested in this?! YES!

People often ask me how I manage to have so many awesome experiences, and it pretty much boils down to putting myself out there. I talk to strangers. I join random groups. I test the waters. I go places alone with a curious attitude. I am OPEN! That was my word for 2014 and I’m using it again for 2015 because it’s been so great for me :). You never know what might come up or who you might meet that becomes a significant part of your life if you keep your eyes, heart and options open. In fact, the only reason I know Jay, is because I was introduced to him by someone I met selling my trailer on Craigslist! (Which is also where I met the local commissioner buying some snowshoes!) And I now have an architecture gig because I met their neighbors! And I met the shop teacher at the gym and will commission some projects to their students! And I randomly ran into another Life Coach who I’m excited to see what we might come up with!!!

Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb... that’s exactly where the fruit is :)

Going "Food-is-my-Medicine"

2015-01-02T22:31:00.002-08:00

(this blog is self-sufficient, but can be read as part 2 of the housesitting blog. Here's part 1 and part 3)

Noooo animal products!!! Yippee!! I suppose you could call me a vegan, but you know, i really don’t enjoy the label of this. It’s too loaded, and it seems to automatically create an idea in some people’s heads. Plus I’m learning there are lots of ‘vegan‘ products that still really aren’t that great for you. Really, what I am is just someone eating what feels GREAT in my body, right in my mind, and happy in my heart and belly!!! I’ve become a 'food-is-my-medicine’ eater :). But for ease of this conversation, we’ll just say I’ve gone vegan :).

That happened unintentionally, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ve been a vegetarian for 3+ months now, although I have been toying with it for years. The no-meat seed was planted during my worldwide travels where many places vegetarianism was the norm, and it was especially highlighted by my I-want-to-try-snake experience in Vietnam (but couldn’t- read here!) ;). After that, I wussed out on going full bore, finding that for convenience I would still eat meat but rarely bought it.

Interestingly enough, I think I’m a natural born vegetarian. My whole life I’ve had a hard time eating food that actually looked like an animal (hence the snake story). I can clearly identify that our culture is good at disassociating where our food actually comes from before it lands on our plates. I once returned a lobster at a fancy restaurant that came in it’s shell, too grossed out to peel it (but of course devoured it when the waiter brought it back just as a chunk of meat). For as long as I can remember, the only way i could eat chicken was in breast form... if it was a drumstick I got grossed out by the ability to see veins and tendons and such, and I wouldn’t touch a wing with a pole. And the most telling contradiction? Pigs! Them being my favorite animal, I thought full-pork roasts were horrid, yet I’d eat bacon! Talk about double standard!

Obviously there was something off there. SO then, something super interesting happened. I was happily going along with my vegetarianism, but was still having issues with my tummy (that's going on years now). I decided to totally detox and see what was up, even went to a food allergy specialist. I ate nothing but veggies, nuts and seeds for over two weeks... and the only times I had issues I had eaten milk or eggs! Then I saw the food specialist and he informed me that chicken eggs are one of the top 8 allergenic foods??? Did you know that?? Whoa!!!

That makes sooooo much sense!! In my flirting w/ vegetarianism over the years, I’ve devoured eggs, utilizing them as my main source of protein (a whole nother issue up for debate). But here’s the most interesting part: More and more recently, I was having to put up a mental block in order to eat eggs. I’d starting thinking about the fact that this is a fetus, and getting grossed out! I’d think about that little white connection piece as the umbilical cord and visualize a sweet little baby chick! So, in order to bypass that thought, I'd started buying the cartons of egg beaters instead! Now how ridiculous is that?? More separation from where our food actually comes from!!!

SOOO, when the doc said I should give up eggs for a test, I was THRILLED at the prospect, the excuse, the opportunity!!! I was already without milk, and figured I might as well go vegan... .and it’s been fabulous!!!! Plus no refined sugar and no white grains means= I’m superrrr skinny! Bonus side effect! I was at 174lbs at my highest in September (after the summer of gluttony), and now I’m right around 154! Yay!

For me going “plant-based and whole” was a combo of multiple things:

1) Learning more and more about the connections between our diet and our diseases (watch Forks over Knives and Hungry for Change-- life changing documentaries!). Finally listening to the philosophy that keeps popping into my life: that food is our medicine and almost everything that ails us can be fixed by our diet and exercise.

2) Making a stand against animal cruelty in factory farms, as well as believing we take on bits of what that animal felt, the chemicals they are fed, and the caged life they led. If I was ever to eat meat again (which i don't plan to), it would have to be humanely-raised (and that personally verified).

3) I’m tired of my stomach hurting. I don't want chemicals in my body anymore, and I’ve been feeling sooo much better since going this route! I was talking to a neighbor who is a big agriculture guy. He told me a horror story, that back before they switched to organic it was the norm to put harsh chemicals on the crops. He said a cow accidentally licked the pesticides they put on the crops one time, and it dropped over dead in a few minutes!! Ackkkk!!! No thanks!

4) It’s DELICIOUS! There are sooo many great recipes online (another reason I couldn’t turn off the wifi). Here's some of my favs: Spinach Soup, roasted califlower, and zucchini pasta with avocado-cucumber sauce! YUM!

5.) Eating fresh produce is like a game for me (and i love games): What can last the longest? Anything going bad soon? What can I make from these last few things? What can I make extra of and freeze for to-go lunches? How can I not waste one thing :)??!

6.) Your tastebuds change. I made a sweet pumpkin recipe for christmas that called for maple syrup AND medjool dates. I simply eliminated the syrup and it was still delicious!! They say it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. I am PUMPED to feel like I've passed the hump of my usually insatiable sweet teeth :).

7.) Playing with spices and foods I’d never heard about or knew what to do with. This was another bonus of housesitting... they had all sorts of spices to play with :). I even started getting experimental, adding this or that and playing with ingredients. That is sooooo satisfying for someone who is just getting their legs in the kitchen! Fun!

8.) I went through FIVE gallon size canisters of compost in the 4 weeks I was cabin-sitting. That feels great: Less garbage, more fertilizer :)

9.) It can seem more expensive, especially going organic as well, but I’ve tracked my spending just to see. I spent $289 on groceries in December, which included a lot of staples like oils and spices and such. For one person, that’s about $10/day. Not too bad! I’d much rather spend more on good food than thousands on doctors and disease and prescription drugs!

We didn't cook in our house growing up, and I've nearly always felt incompetent in the kitchen. Food came from a box and was ready in 5 minutes or less. Just cooking in general seemed overwhelming through most of my 20's. But just like anything, it's about practice and confidence!! The more I get in there, the more i enjoy it and feel more comfy!! In the last few years, I've learned a lot about nutrition, and have been exposed to plant-based eating at all the ashrams I've stayed at. THIS was the trick for me: exposure. The simplicity and lip-smacking goodness of vegetables was a revelation!!

My favorite added bonus of eating well? I feel like my physical body is on it’s way to catching up with my super thriving mental body :). Yes! Every single time I've settled down for a bit, I've started eating well. And then every time I've gone back to traveling, it's back to bad habits. It's no wonder I'm craving some structure! I'm so ready to have full-body synchronicity :).

In conclusion, I am not a diehard advocate, and feel no desire to condemn meat-eaters. I'm far from an expert and am not immune to a relapse to junk (although will fight it tooth and nail). I'm simply a promoter of listening to your body, and mine was talking to me!! I think the root of so many of our bad eating habits comes from lack of knowledge and experience… at least mine did! If you, like me, have felt like you can’t control your cravings and what you put in your mouth, be weary of the addictive ingredients of processed foods!!

Here's a "Plant-strong" resource that seems excellent :)

A lil' food humor for you. I do love mushrooms :)

(Click here to go to part 3 of the housesitting blog: "Lessons learned from a puppy Dog")

Lessons Learned from a Puppy Dog!!

2015-01-02T18:42:00.001-08:00

(this blog is self-sufficient, but can be read as part 3 of the housesitting blog. Here's part 1 and part 2)

When I was just about six, my family stopped for a ho-hum nothing-special trip into an eclectic sell-all store called Big Bird’s. I went off exploring with my pocket of savings (we were taught confidence very young), and when my family reconvened, I was giddily explaining that my purchase was only $5; I was holding a dog! Yup, a live dog! hahah!! I can just imagine my chubby cheeks and giant grin; I named him Spot. :).

I wish I could say I remember Spot.. but I don’t, nor making such a brazen purchase. Too bad, because i'd enjoy this boldly brilliant memory! That story comes straight from my mom’s mouth, and truthfully I’m a bit surprised to hear that we did bring him home. He lasted almost a year she says, until I came home from school one day and he was gone, given to a fellow parishioner (who tried to give him back a week later!). No one in my family is a dog person ;)

As long as I can remember, I feel like I’ve been saying, “I can’t wait to get a dog one day.” But...not in college.. no way. Then after college, I was so busy. Then I was working so much, and the last three years of course I was traveling so much... I couldn’t have a dog.

I’d began to debate if I really AM a dog person or not. Did I just get in the pattern of saying I want one? Let me actually think about this... I mean, surely I like the idea, but I’ve never actually had one and the responsibilities that come with it! (sorry Spot, I can’t count you if I can’t even remember you. No offense ;). Was being a dog-lover just something I’ve wanted to be? Thought I’d be? Got used to saying? There have been plenty of friend’s dogs I’ve liked... but also plenty I thought were just a plain nuisance. All those times people had to decline invitations, because they had to take care of the dog/couldn’t leave the dog/ didn’t have anyone to watch the dog.... I was far from jealous of that! Money on vets, food, dog hair, dog poo... hmmm??

What if I get a dog and I’m really not so into it??!?! How do you know for sure??!

AHHH, in comes housesitting-dogsitting!!! This has been SUCHHHH an amazing chance to put that question to the real test! The four weeks I spent with Nelly was a complete and total education for me (as everything always is), and a firm confirmation: YES, I do want a dog (eventually)!!!

Let me tell you about Nelly :). Sweet sweet crazy Nelly! She’s a yellow lab, 2 years old. In dog speak, that means she is a GIANT ball of chaotic energy!! That’s an amusing correlation between us; most people see me as a giant ball of chaotic energy. It’s all coming together now, that look of, “How are you so hyper?” Ha ;)

Spazo-fun :)

She is suchhhhhh a sweetheart. She’s been sleeping up on the bed with me since night #2, every evening getting closer and closer. At the end, she was usually half up on me! As soon as I moved an inch in the morning she’d come in for snuggles ;). She was there with me just about everywhere I moved, at the toilet, and most certainly there staring me down every time I ate! When I left she jumped up and wimpered at the door, and without fail when I’d pull in the drive her head would pop up in the window :). I’d come to both love and slightly loath opening the door when I’d been gone a while… it was a jumping, licking, loving, spasmaticly wonderful welcome :). Ahhhh, I think I understand why they call it ‘puppy love’ now :). I also understand why people have dog hair everywhere. It’s nearly impossible to do so much laundry, and who has time to lint roll?! ;)

Snuggle buddies :)

Meditating w/ Nelly= laundry day :)

Aside from being my sidekick, she’s also an amazing guard dog. She really did make it feel safe out there in the country. Early on, we had a good bit of snow which showed some random car tracks down our long, not-a-chance-accidental driveway. No note, no package... umm yeah, that was a bit odd. But, since Nelly perks up and protects at every sounds and movement that only she can notice, I didn’t give it much concern. She chased a fox (or a cat maybe) away from the chickens once and although somewhat terrorizes the turkeys, I saw one of them following her around the other day so I think they have an understanding :). She’s hilariously obsesso with the frisbee: she runs 4x as far as she needs to, and then insists on tug-o-war for like 5 minutes before giving it back to me ;). I find myself laughing so much with her. She’s just too cute!

She’s my little buddy, and I also like that she she motivates me. When it’s super cold or I’m not feeling well, it’s easy to forgo the playtime... but then she gives those puppy dog eyes and wimpers at the door, it’s like okkkaaayyyy, okay, lets go. Put on the boots and the rain jacket and let’s go! :).

The few times I’d yelled at her in the first 3 weeks, I’d instantly seen those puppy eyes, felt bad and realized she wasn’t really doing anything wrong or that she knew to be bad, in fact I’d even set her up for failure but putting food in her reach or allowing her to jump on me most of the time (but not wanting her to in that outfit). I started paying attention to how often I said ‘No’ to Nelly... and it was too often! As a follower of Osho, it’s interesting to see how easy that word comes out of my mouth. (He emphasizes that the word ‘no’ need not be used very often, if at all. He believes mostly it’s said to conform to a societal rule or trying to look like a perfect parent/partner, but it's rarely necessary). Ahhh...wow, this is parenting practice for sure!! A dog is an absolute stepping stone to children (and I am sooo not ready for that yet)! I’ve always winced a little bit when people called themselves “mom” or “dad” when referring to their animal. But I get it now... the comparison is real! And sooooo intriguing to me. Props for another example of how experiencing the other side makes all the difference :).

Then, I made the extremely asinine choice to take her on a run. An organized, city streets Christmas run in Portland (A hash for those of you in the know). I thought, ‘She loves to run, what a great Idea’. MISTAKE!!! Well not, because gosh I learned a lot, but it was NOT a fun class!!! With only a boat strap for a leash, I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised that Nelly, run-full-sprint-4x-the-distance-to-fetch-a-frisbee Nelly, would be pulling me.

The problem was, i WAS surprised. I didn’t even ponder that she wouldn’t just run next to me. Doh! That's evidence of no experience with dogs right there. She was draggggging me. I tried to sprint along with her the first few minutes. I tried to keep her back by stopping and walking. I tried pleading begging and looking in her eyes to convey my pain. And eventually, I just resorted to jerking her back, thinking the unpleasantry of that would stop her, but really it just resulted in me feeling horrible, and getting more cranky by the minute.

Dogs, or at least this young one, don’t have the capacity for reason. For the next 60+ minutes of that run I jerked her back until I was in tears and just wanting to find the end of the run (it was supposed to be a scavenger hunt run). I didn’t want to be jerking her. I wanted her to understand how much easier and pleasant it would be for both of us if we could just run together. I actually even had that eye to eye conversation with her a few times out of desperation. She didn’t listen ;). A few other runner’s took her for a bit, only to return her a few mins later. Towards the end, one guy wrapped the leash around her hind legs to help restrain her... it helped but she still powered on. By the end not only were my eyes puffy, my arms tired, and my hands raw from the strap wrap, but my feet were sore and tender from digging into the pavement so hard trying to keep some leverage. That, plus full-on mental exhaustion.

It’s my pattern to tirelessly try to explain and communicate my way thru things. I write, i call, i talk talk talk, and I think think think...sometimes in that order ;). Hence my inability to write a short blog ;). Either I get my point across or we need to communication until I understand yours. But this scenario? Hellllooooooo, no conversation to be had: she’s a dog :). She’s just doing her thing and I’m pissed off about it.

So then we were finally home and I was wanting to still be angry with Nelly and she’s just happy-go-lucky like nothing’s wrong. WTF... is wrong with me!?! It’s like I’m wanting her to apologize... when clearly, we know that’s not going to happen.

Did she actually do something wrong?? Or is it becoming quite clear that she was just being her wonderful self and I’m the one with the problem? Whoa, deep.

Early on, I’d already learned there was no explaining to Nelly how we’d be better off if she would just give me a few seconds to change my black pants before she attacked me, or if she would stay on the bedspread and not touch the sheets while I’m trying to get in. Or if she would please let me clean her paws with some cooperation! ( Of course i realize a dog can be trained, but that's besides the point here, and out of our 4 week timeframe). There’s no changing that she sheds and drools and licks her own butt (which so grosses me out). But these things are menial, and her endearing qualities were easily able to average out above all the imperfectly perfect things about her that I just simply wasn’t used to.

And then the horrid run, which felt like I’d been abused. Physically, mentally... and she didnt even care! haha! I'm being facetious here, but the lesson was real:

STOP waiting for an apology that isn’t coming, that isn’t necessary, and is really nothing more than an illusion in my head. The deed is done. She was being her wonderful, exciting, energetic, curious self. For all I know she'd never been on a leash before! I can stay cranky or move on.

All of this correlates to my human relationships. I realized how much emphasis I’ve put on apologies over the years. Have you read “The Five Languages of Apology”?? (it’s fantasitic, same author as “Five Love Language”... I recommend both for relationship peacemaking!). I learned a lot from that book, and as I think back, I’ve waited for apologies that (in this same manner) were really groundless, ego-driven and self-serving. No one (almost) hurts you on purpose. There are definitely times for apologies, and authentic ones will stay important to me, but obviously I’ve got some work to do with blame and forgiveness considering here I was withholding it from a dog ;).

So I forgave her, just like that, and we were besties again :). YAY!

Nelly and I... it really was like the formation of any relationship! It’s honeymoon in the beginning, you‘re learning each other’s quirks, annoying things are cute, but you start to really care for each other. You have your first little tift and get through it and it’s so exciting! The selfishness starts to subside! Early on there were a number of times I was down in town and time got away from me. The easiest thing would have been to just couch-crash down there (it’s an hour drive), accept the dinner invite, finish my errands or what-not.... but I had to suck it up and go back up. The first few times it was it felt like a thorn in my side... and then, every day as we spent more time together I felt like I actually cared more.. we were bonding, we were buds, and I didn’t want her to be there all alone and getting hungry! Awwww, I was starting to love Nelly!!!

Dogs are the epitome of 'unconditional love'. Thanks Nelly :)

So, the question was: I am a dog-person? Yes! Confirmed! It was a wonderfully brief but impactful experience. My long-time excuses were legit, and still are. I'm a bit too busy, too unsettled, and too selfish for a dog still... those responsibilities are real!!! And as much as I was adoring Nelly, I wouldn’t want such a loyal side-kick for life. It's too much attachment for me. When I really had a lot to do and she just followed me around with those sad eyes alllll day, it was like ‘STOP already, you’re making me feel guilty!' I like to be wanted, but not needed. She actually reminded me of one particularly fabulous (yet extraordinarily complicated) ex-boyfriend of mine who treated me like a princess, but in the end smothered me and I couldn’t stay with him. It’s nice to be doted on, but at least in my case it can be overwhelming. Solitude is my fountainhead of energy/ideas/peace… everything really. With huge plans on the horizon, I find myself avoiding relationships for that exact scenario: when you start to care for someone, you automatically and happily give up some autonomy... but this girl is on a mission and I don’t want to share my invaluable time just yet :).

In the same way I’ve always said I am a dog person, I’ve equally as much said I wasn’t a cat person. Ahhh, the cat, I have grown so much respect for the cat! So wonderfully independent, so smart. She has her own life, she comes for what she wants, she gives when she’s needed. I’ve had boyfriends with love like a cat’s... always doing their own thing. At those points in my life my ego was bruised and I wondered how they could be 'so insensitive to my feelings.' My then inclination was like a puppies: I just wanted to be together every second! But as I mature, I actually see a lot more merit in the cat-type love. Ahhh how I love getting older and wiser :). Relationship-wise, the cat-dog mix sounds wonderful: Excitement and snuggles and cheesy stuff along with maturity and self-sufficiency. Balance is always the key :).

In conclusion, after my wonderful foray into being a dog-owner, I see that I do want a dog and maybe even a cat! I can hardly believe I’m saying that! Oh oh oh, I'm making plans to get settled in... AND IT'S SO EXCITINGGGG!!

...and of course there's still plans for one of these adorable little things!!!!

Christmas Cheer!!!!

2014-12-25T03:24:00.001-08:00

About a month ago, I gave notice to the African orphanage that I would not be sponsoring my two children for school anymore. It was a brutal, guilt-ridden decision, but I knew it was time. In just over two years, I’ve sent close to $3,000 and don’t even know if the children are doing well, let alone speaking english. If you recall this blog, you’ll remember there’s been trouble since the beginning :(. I’ve since found out Mwajuma was walking 5+ miles to school even though I’d paid for transportation, and never did get verification for the ‘increase’ in school fees. I haven’t had a photo since early 2013 :(. I was able to stomach it for a while because there are children involved, but it really just didn’t feel good.

Luckily I’d found and contacted some other volunteers who’ve been there, and I heard at least they were actually IN school. I also learned that all the other children there had sponsors then, so the orphanage seemed to be having luck on that front.

One thing I know and have accepted about myself, is that I like to give/get/see and feel results. I like to build, to create, to express gratitude and appreciation loudly. I’m a very verbal and visual person, but also very visceral, and none of those needs were being met with this charity. :(. I have to stop guilting myself, and just know that the two years of private school I provided for Mwajuma and Rogati has helped them immensely. Whether they go back to public school, or another sponsor comes along, they are ahead of where they were for sure. I will hope and pray that I’ll get to actually have contact with them someday.

One day, I hope we meet again :). Much love M&R!

As for me now, I need a new way to give! One that I can feel great and happy and proud and SURE of! One that I can see and hear and feel like it’s making a difference!

My personal style of giving is typically non-monetary. I like to HELP. I’ll help you move, I’ll help you paint, I’ll help whatever. I’ll give you my time if we can do something productive with it. I’d rather help you wash your car than just go to lunch anyday! Volunteering is RADDDD! I even once won an award for a project about it! It’s in my blood to DO :)

BUT, I understand that money is where it’s at for most people in need. As time becomes more and more precious and fleeting (seems like daily it’s flying faster), I can find the happy medium between giving money and time :).

SOOOOOOOO…. yesterday, I was GIVEN multiple hundred dollars worth of goods and services all for simply kindness and goodness!!! Merry Christmas eve it was indeed!! I cried both different times I was so pleased/touched/honored.

But the best part of it was, it got me thinkingggg!!!!! (surprise, surprise!) I cried tears of joys for so long after my eyes are still swollen and barely open nearly 12 hrs later!

What I realized is that I want to keep giving, but to someone closer to me, that I can see, know and feel the positive change! Maybe this could be a tipping point to refocus someone down a positivity path that I want nothing more than to share!!!! It only takes a moment to shake things up :)

Here’s my plan! In this particular Christmas blog, I want to give someone special a one-time $500 Very Merry Season Cheer up check!!! I’m not going to advertise this beyond the standard blog post because certainly I don’t want to get bombarded with requests...... and all the better if it’s a staple reader or good friend of mine going thru some financial struggles! There will only be ONE recipient though, so please don’t think of me as money tree! Here’s what I’ve come up with to make it most fair, fun and thoughtful:

Please only inquire if you are having a significant financial need. You know what this means people... not to fund a purse or latte addiction. :)
Please write me a letter answering these five questions found here and Bonus question #6: What you think you can do (or already do) to help others in your own unique way? Yup, this is write-about-what’s-awesome, not-what-is-sucky essay :). If you’re following #1 above, I’ll know you have a need and don’t need to hear about it. Instead rather, reflect on what you have, what you love, what you give, and what you are working towards!!
Please enjoy the process of doing this!!!! Since there will only be one recipient, I’d rather you feel good about writing and exploring your deep self, with hope but not expectation.

That’s it! Send it by Sunday night to my email, I’ll pick on Monday! THANKS!!

Whyyy?? Why don’t I just keep the extra money I will have since I’ll not be sending it to Africa anymore (especially with the expenses i’ve got coming up verrryyy sooonnnnn-- stay tuned!!!!)? Because a million reasons, like those quotes above!!!

... but there's one reason that is most profoundly stuck in my head, especially of late. It's that my mother, with all her financial troubles and debt, is the most generous person on earth and my father, doing pretty dang nicely monetarily in recent years, is generous in his own way but certainly not financially. I love my dad. He’s a RAD guy. He’s a stud, he’s a badass, good golly he still holds athletic records at his high school!! He’s smart, he’s motivating, he’s got a good heart, he’s playful, fun, he talks to everyone, he’s charming, he’s an all-around great guy. He’s willing to help with just about any projects (like father- like daughter). I’m super proud he’s my dad. But he’s got a pretty tight fist. Not clenched, but tight for sure.

Mom on the other hand gives almost too much. Since pretty early, I’ve taken on this self-seated role of ‘protector’ over her because I feel people take advantage of that rare pure generosity. It’s only been recently I have cracked the door of realization that she doesn’t want a protector. She likes to give, and she likes to give in bountiful, beautiful, unconditional ways. It’s pure magic her soul.

So, my reason to give? I find that I am 50% of both my parents' financial standpoints. I can be suuupper generous, but I’ve also been a super saver my whole life (see my $ blog!). The reason I have money is because I don’t spend money without dang good reason and usually an exhausting internal debate (that is very likely the reason I don’t even like to shop). And as awesome as both my parents are, I can clearly see that I want to emulate the generosity.

I know deep in my soul that to give is the greatest gift you can give yourself, yet I also really like to have a good reason! Thus, I’ll just create a good reason, and for me, that is getting people to consider the beauty of life, and explore all of their potential :).

Merry Merry Merry Christmas or whatever Holiday you may be celebrating this season!!!

I LOVE YOU! :)

I must be a mermaid :)

2014-10-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

October 28th, 2011. Three years ago today I worked my last day at the Weber Studio. Seven magnificent years of architecture concluded with one fantastic going-away party, and a giant faithful leap towards who-knew-what at that time.

What did I want? What did I need? What was missing in my life?? What was that little voice saying that persuaded me to leave such a ideal life??

I didn’t have a clue what it was saying, just that it was talking. Telling me Miami wasn’t for me. Telling me there was something else, somewhere else, and that maybe even I was someone else.

Every fabulous moment since then has led me here, to the middle of the earth Ecuador; to this extraordinary place, this powerful, beautiful, spiritual, transformational place perched on the hillside of the Volcano Ilalo. Let me tell you about Casa Kiliku. It's a hotel, a home, an ashram, a yoga school... it's a paradise :).

I came here to throw myself back into health: of body, mind, heart, and soul. It's working beautifully :). Ultimately, we are here getting our certification to be tantric yoga teachers. The reputation of the word 'tantra' in the western world is almost totally known for it's sexual means, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Tantra itself is a rich Yogic Tradition of personal and spiritual transformation, easier felt than explained ;). "The optimal achievement is utmost happiness simply with being alive and in a state of ecstasy to access our full potential as individuals." Tantric yoga is the most ancient of all yogas. It is slow, relaxed, drawn out, building patience and awareness. A full tantra yoga class is 2.5 hours, of which over half is total relaxation, laying motionless (savasana) between every active position. The asanas (the poses), although deliberate and essential, are less important than your the state of mind. We don’t correct our student’s bodies, at all. We aren’t even learning the meticulous positioning ourselves. Almost all of the series can be completed with eyes closed, so there is no pressure to 'perform perfectly' … it's all about the relaxation. Tantric yoga’s objective is to create a habit of taking your moment of relaxation before you begin the action; and this can be transferred to everyday life. Breathe. Relax. Calm. Then act with purpose and intention.

Yes we are here to become teachers, but in same way that a tantra yoga class is more than physical, this entire experience is soooo much more than gaining a certificate.

Everyday (and all day) we do our yoga, but it feels like a small percentage of our very full days. More-so we do meditations, we learn mantras and mudras, we have classes about chakras, our energy channels, shamanism, ayurveda, our prana (life force). We are learning about the elements and energies in relation to our bodies and the universe. Which organs produce with emotions, which movements move our energy, which foods work with our strengths and areas of improvement in relation to our Doshas. We are learning tantric massages and greetings, foot reflexology, facial shiatsu, tools to communicate effectively in all relationships, carnal or platonic. We are learning how to dance within ourselves.

One day we learned a fabulous tantric dance, which was nothing more than moving intuitively to the loud, pounding music. Up, down, around, smooth, fast, slow, laying, standing, crawling... No shame, no correction, no right way, no wrong way. You must stay in your body. You must always be present and aware of what you are feeling and wanting and needing. You can’t always try to give and do. Once you love yourself, then you can love others. It was incredible. Everything here is incredible, seriously!

There was Ayurveda day-- 4 hour class by a swiss doctor, passionate about holistic living. “You must stop putting shit in your body. You can do all the work you want, but if you are full of garbage you do nothing. Food is medicine. You must do good in the world. You must find your purpose and share it with the world. When you gain knowledge, you must share it or else you are a thief. Don’t eat meat...animal treatment is horrible and must stop. Practice non-violence to the self, to others, and to animals. Get rid of your ego. Be humble. Serving is the easiest path to gratitude.”

Whoa. whoa. whoa. Everything I have learned in the last 3 years and bits throughout my whole life, all came rushing back in this intense and powerful presentation, capped off by a ridiculously amazing fire ceremony of singing and offering and bonding.

We had a rad visualization where we envisioned our bodies as a tree, our feet were grounded. We imagined roots sprouting from the soles going deep deep into the core of the earth, where we found the red hot magma. From there we pulled it back up our roots and into our 1st chakra, the root of our being. We visualized pulling the sky down in through our crown, filling every cell of our body with light. It was awesome. Felt so real, so intense.

There was an amazing kundalini yoga session (well, many), with a kriya that is meant ‘to break bad habits and allow new improved ones to enter’. You hold your arms up and out, stretched, flexed, without moving for 11 minutes... you ‘think’ you are dying, that you can’t hold them anymore....but you use your breathe, your prana, and your willpower to keep them up and keep going. Wow... I can see why it’s meant to ‘break’ habits. It’s clear that the physically challenge is but a tool to prepare for the mental challenge. Yes, yes yes, it did make me feel like I can conquer whatever challenge!

We learned a tantric greeting, sitting knee to knee in diamond pose, hands in pranama mudra (prayer). You lean forward to touch foreheads, and while staring into the eyes of the other, stay there and sing three Om’s. Then you sit back and say, “I accept you just as you are in my life.” It’s simple and beautiful.

Another dance: first with eyes open, looking at nothing in particular, but able to see everyone. As we danced, the idea was to simply react to what you saw without really seeing it. Full freedom yet similar movements. Then we changed to extended full eye contact with another as you whirled around the room. A powerful exercise, discussing that when we looked directly at someone, it would bring up insecurities (am I doing it right? does it look okay? what will be next? will I be able to follow?) whereas the big picture view, without eye contact, had much less pressure. This is amazing, relating to how easy it is to just go through the world without ever looking into people’s eyes to avoid the uncertainty. But, if you stay within yourself, focusing on your center and feeling love for self and the other, what an strong connection you can share; as well as growing your own confidence.

Once we just sat across from each other, and simply looked into each others eyes for 5 minutes, no talking. What you see is what you get. Here I am, there you are, we are both perfectly imperfect. I love these exercises, looking into others eyes really feels like a window to their soul, and bearing mine is one of my favorite things :).

We started one class by re-familiarizing with the anatomy of the body, an introduction to the Alexander Technique: Learning how and where our bones attach and how they want to move. From there we lay on our backs and are walked through a birth, to crawl, to walk dance, always aware of every movement and every bone, aware of it’s own intuition. Wow! For me it felt like a great first dance lesson: focus on your body, forget what you ‘should’ be doing.

Then there was the Temazcal!!! Better know to most as a Sweat Lodge, but soooo much more; an ancient art of expelling old and inviting new, of purification. Wow, powerful! It was a very small dirt hut, a half dome, dug into the ground such that you had to crawl in. When closed, it was completely dark aside from the embers of the fiery rocks. It was very ritualistic, with a certain way to enter, certain things to say. Christian, the calm and peaceful facilitator, would periodically sprinkle herbs on the volcanic rock. It would sparkle and dazzle before smoking into an aromatic vapor, almost instantly turning our small space into a sweat machine. I was dripping, like full-on-body-dripping, but I wasn’t miserable. It was beautiful. We chanted and prayed and rubbed special herbs all over our soaking bodies. I untied my shawl and just let it pour out of my naked and unmasked me. It felt as if there was a clear signboard in front of me: This is the path I want to be on... this one of unique and powerful experiences: with open mind and heart and spirit.... and a whole lot of sweat. Ohhh, I do love to sweat :).

Fancy photography… the grass was not really red ;)

We learned a RAD interaction, where we sit face to face, knee to knee, and each take 10 minutes to monologue about what we are feeling. No interruptions, no talking, only listening to the other. We do it twice each, with no reply except to thank each other for sharing and for listening. Wow, this. This!!! It’s such an honor to be confided in, to be the recipient of such honestly, such vulnerability, such real pain and fears. It’s a relief to share mine as well, without judgement or advice, just listening.

We learn another interaction, similar, but where we actually lay next to each other, side by side as if we were in bed! ;) The mere act of being in this position actually does provoke a closeness. There we experience two types, a dialogue, talking back and forth for ten minutes, and then again a monologue, no responding or interrupting at all. The dialogue vs the monologue is very interesting... When in a dialogue, it’s so easy to reply, to put advice, to console, to advise, to think about what you will say, to turn the story back to yourself... but when you aren’t ‘allowed’ to respond at all, there is a huge pressure released, for both parties. As the speaker because you know you won’t be judged or given advice, and as the listener because you just listen! No need to come up with a reply, or think at all really. Just listen. I love this! I dare you to try this with your loved ones :).

We learn an incredible Shiva/Shakti interaction dance. Shiva (the male part) is the intention, the stimulus; and Shakti (the female part) is the response, the movement. Acting as Shiva, I would touch or shift a part of the other’s body (acting as Shakti), and with the touch, she then translates that touch into some dance movement, whatever it feels like it should be. Then we switched and I receive some small touch or beginning of a movement and transform it as I felt. Ohhhhhhh, soooooo sensational!!!

We learned a tantalizing tantric massage, which of course is great to use with your partner, but can be used between anyone you want to connect with. We’re urged as the receiver to sigh, make sounds to affirm that it feels good, to let the giver know you are enjoying. Giving, not just receiving, a massage is a gift. I remember hearing this years ago. The gift of making someone feel fabulous: YES.

After all of these exercises and interactions we always discuss how it felt, what was our experience. In doing so we are not only practicing our communication, practicing being vulnerable, but seeing how experiences can be so different or so similar in the same space, growing our empathy, our hearts, our horizons.

There was a Full moon, red moon, female uterus healing ceremony. There was an evening of ethnic music from Ruben Silva, a shaman who played at last 15 different native instruments in a dream-like state. Of course there was the life-changing San Pedro Medicinal Ceremony-- which was so powerful it got it’s own blog (here!). I’m still marveling about that, and feeling it’s everlasting impact.

Full moon celebration

All of this has happened in just over three weeks here at Casa Kiliku. It was built 20-some years ago by Iris Disse, a visionary woman from Germany. She is a tantric master, an author, an ambassador for the indigenous people, a filmmaker, a changemaker. She is a woman of humble wisdom, awareness, authenticity, enthusiasm and ambition. I loooveee her :)

There’s Daniella, the main manager, petite but powerful, honest and hardworking and a true pleasure to communicate with. She is extraordinarily gifted in Chinese medicine and shiatzu massage, and shares her knowledge freely and thoroughly. I loooooveee her!

There is Satya, the elegant beauty of Kundalini yoga and shakti dance. She is Italian/Croatian, a walking goddess whose every movement is graceful, peaceful and full of compassion. I loooovveee her!!!

There’s Jackie and Erika, Caridad, Nuria, Monica, Shadia, Valentina, Nancy, Fanny, Mercy, and Catty. Each of the women (and two girls-11 and 10!!!) have talents and fears and a beauty that deserves tribute. Isn’t it true that everyone you meet has a story worth knowing?? A true pleasure of life is getting to know someone beyond the superficial layer, and it’s a place like this that creates a catalyst for connection.

Always a good time w/ these ladies :)

Satya and I in hammocktime:)

Always tea time :)

"Dia de Los Muertos" celebration

Karma Yoga- trash clean up fun!

Karma yoga--- New Garden!!

How and why did I end up here? Fate. Destiny. The guiding hand. Karma. The universe... all of these and more. The exact path of my future from here is deliciously unknown, but what’s been clearly and perfectly revealed is that I adore a life of wide-openness. My heart beats for this intangible but incredibly real sense of connectedness, tenderness, benevolence, authenticity.

I get that a lot of these things that are happening here may seem way out-there for some people; that’s cool, I still love you and won’t press it on you :). Too eccentric, too hippy, too spiritual... but I am in love, and I think all of life is about finding where you can be in love, where you can thrive. Being here has attuned me to that inner voice. It started talking to me long ago, whispering to me since my first semester of college in Miami 2000. It got louder in 2011, finally convincing me to leave what many would consider a perfect life in Florida. It lead me subconsciously to my first ashram experience in Australia, then to India to delve into the spiritual world. It lead me to the commune in California, gave me doubts as I started fine tuning the Bloom Woods too rigidly last winter, exposed me to the fast-paced falseness of this summer that I absolutely don’t want, and it has lead me here to Ecuador, to this magic place, to seal the deal. The more unconventional, the better :).

Three years ago today I started the journey of a lifetime, which has only just begun!!!!! Slowly, slowly, bit by bit, I am finding my way, and it's soooooo EXCITING!!! Tantric yoga is an apt analogy for my life: Slow down, relax, rejuvenate; profoundly enjoy the simple, the small, the quiet... and then, the action!!! Deep, powerful, meaningful action!!!

Balancing the extremes, making them work in harmony... this is me in a nutshell :)

When I think back over the last three years, all of my favorite memories, of many forms, have the common thread of great depth. Whether that was via chanting, dancing, silence, climbing, hiking, connecting, creating, writing, loving, appreciating, bonding, persevering, overcoming… the vehicle doesn’t much matter...

... clearly though:

Hehe :) xoxo

La medicina de San Pedro: Living in Love

2014-10-21T22:46:00.002-07:00

Last Saturday night I participated in one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Forget an introduction, let’s just get right to it :)

The whole thing started at 6pm, or well, it was supposed to anyways. Shamans, like Miamians, seem to enjoy being fashionably late... they arrived at 8:30pm ;). haaaah!

I had been warned this was to be expected though, and we prepared in kind. At 6pm I went to Satya’s apartment, where she and Dani were preparing the offerings of herbs and amaranth and chocolate and tobacco and such, drinking mate. How'd you learn about these things? I ask. Over time and exposure. Ahh, such is life :). Satya had her tarot cards out, and we all decided to pick one. Mine was “el tierra”, the earth, and it said “concreto sus deseos”, specify your desires. Ahhh yes, I'm working on it :).

We set up the studio with large mats, pillows and blankets. This ceremony will be all night they say, so make it comfortable :). Upstairs, we also prepared a huge banquet of fruits and breads and cheese for the morning. This ceremony will end with a feast :).

The night before, 5 of us girls had gone out salsa dancing in Quito (so fun!), so I was running on only about 5 hours of sleep. By the time people started arriving, 13 in total, I was struggling to keep my eyes open. Ummmpphhh. I could barely muster up the desire to introduce myself, let alone converse in spanish, so I stayed quiet at first, not knowing what to do anyways since this whole medicinal ceremony was so new.

All I knew beforehand was that we shouldn’t eat, we were going to drink the medicine of the San Pedro cactus, and that I should have an intention, or a prayer, that I wanted to concentrate on. That would be what I would be asking the grand spirit, the mother earth to help me with. 'Specifying my desires' is pretty dang close :).

The first hour after they arrived was just preparing. The shamans readied their altar, complete with all sorts of bottles and stones and flowers and feathers and carvings. Ruben, the shaman wife, then meticulously prepared a flower alter around the center fire that would burn all night. It was upon this fire they would ritually throw herbal offerings, and from which we all would wave the smoke upon our heads and our hearts.

I think we officially started around 10pm. With a beautiful introduction by Bladi, the shaman. He explained to us all the expectations: we weren’t allowed to have water. If you needed to go to the bathroom you had to walk there in a certain direction. If you had to puke you needed to ask for a bag and not do it in the toilet (so it could be given back to the earth). If any woman had her period, she had to receive a special ritual before beginning. He made clear that from that moment on, we were a family unit, and should anyone have to leave, we would be incomplete until they returned. It may seem extreme, but it didn't feel that way. Especially when he also explained to us what this was: a true ceremony. We were here to get in contact with our Mother Earth, to thank her, to appreciate her, to feel her, and to connect with her. We were here to understand what our subconscious already knows, that we are all connected, all of us and everything and everyone on earth. Then we passed around a sacred cigarette, and with our 4 smokes each, expressed our gratitude and also our prayer for the night. This section alone took around 90+ minutes, everyone in the room really expressing so much love and gratitude. It was beautiful.

Then, the first round of the medicine. We came one by one in order of our seating arrangement to the altar, receiving the cup from Ruben. Before partaking, we offered it always to the center fire first, and made a little request. Mine was always for my heart to be open always. The taste was bitter, but not brutal, and followed with an irrepressible shudder from top to bottom ;).

Early in the night, the feelings were simple as the medicine started to kick in: light, airy, dreamy, happy. There were times I thought I would fall asleep, but then a new song would enliven me. This shaman family seriously produced the most beautiful music I have ever heard. Bladi, the father, or Miguel, his spitting image son, would play the guitar and both would sing in perfect harmony. At times they would chant incredibly fast, incomprehensibly, and I was amazed at how precisely perfect they could stay together. Ohhh and then the mother---the most flawless, high pitched, soft, smooth, profound voice, rounding out the family band in the most precise moments. The Shaman informed us this is the most important part, that we must sing along. Shortly into it, Bladi calls me out, noticing I was half in/half out because of the spanish lyrics and my musical impediment. He says I must sing! I’ve learned a lot about mantras and chanting over the past two weeks, the vibrations of the sounds seeping into your subconscious; relaxing, calming, connecting with the frequencies of nature and the universe. Ok, "voy a cantar", I will sing :).

Throughout the night, we have 4-5 rounds of the medicine. Every time was optional, because the chance of vomiting is real, but for me there was an insatiable desire to have more, to get the most from this experience. Between rounds there was singing and chanting and hilarious comedy mixed with sincere teachings. Bladi is a true joker, teasing Jose, our Spaniard, about his accent. Poking fun about this and that, going back and forth with his son. Often he would ask about ‘our family’, how are we doing. He tells us different ways we can appreciate and agree with each other, by saying: ah-ho, ah-hey, yaaaaaa, neeeeeyy, all in his own funny way. There is much laughing, and multiple times more love.

I’m not sure at what point it happened, but soon my chest felt like double it’s size, the beat of my heart loud and obvious. The true understanding of what this ceremony is about hails down upon you: Love is all there is :).

I was sitting next to Satya. We had spoken about sitting near each other so that she could translate for me (remember this is all in spanish!), but after the first hour or so I didn’t need it. I understood everything. It’s very interesting, when you stop trying to capture every single word, and instead capture the essense, the reactions of others, the understanding within you. With all inhibitions dropped, and this amazing feeling of non-judgement, I was pretty impressed with my comprehension :).

But the best reason for sitting next to Satya, was because we were able to share all this love that was so unmistakable in the room. Many times we would lean on each other, hold hands, just acknowledge each other.

Her ex-boyfriend happened to be there, and let me tell you, it was ammmmazzzzing to feel their love for each other, even despite their separation. Like nothing else, this medicine opens your eyes and heart to feel everything wonderful in the world, and every look these two had with each other was magic. Satya and I had this great unspoken language, where we would look at each other and thru our eyes were talking about this magic that was happening between she and he. I started rooting silently for their reuniting :).

To my left side was an Ecuadorian guy named Victor. He has done a ceremony like this about 5 times, and was excited for it being my first. In the beginning we were perfect strangers, but it didn’t take long for our friendship to solidify. I found this quote that is absolutely dead-on:

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, .... it seems to me, all our problems (and not merely the one small problem of discovering a novel pleasure) would be wholly solved and earth would become paradise."

ALDOUS HUXLEY

Yep, exactly. It must have been about 5am when we took our last sips of the medicine. By this time there was no doubt we were all in it, really feeling like we were under the guidance and direction of something incredibly spiritual. From there we started our closing ceremony. I believe the idea was to pass around the sacred cigarette again, taking turns again expressing gratitude and your feelings. But Miguel (the ex-bf of Satya) was having an amazingly beautiful moment, and continued his gratitude for probably an hour. It was amazing, I was crying! Ohhhh these two!! So fantastic are both of their souls!

Finally we just went around the circle to express ourselves (because the cigarette was smoked!) When it came to me, I started with an english “Wow” :). How grateful I was to have been able to be a part of this, to have had all the cards of my life to unfold just as they had to put me there at that moment, and to remember how amazing love is. Love really is the answer to everything.

As the sun came up and the ceremony ended, we all became much less formal, and much more bonded. We laid about, some people swayed to the music. Someone went and got the fruit from upstairs and that was the best idea ever. Every bite of mango, papaya, banana, apple, bread, cheese--- oh it was heaven :). The shamans played amazing music, and made hilarious jokes. Victor and I tried some Acro yoga, Satya and Miguel had reunited in this blissfully amazing love story and couldn't help but gaze at each other. All the talk was incredibly positive, powerful, enlightened. I laid on Iris, the director here, and Dani, and we joked about how I had been so resistant to the fact that I can understand spanish... and here was the great proof :). We hugged and squeezed and smiled so much my jaw was beginning to hurt :).

About 10 ish we finally started the clean up, and the walk up to the main building. There was the partaking of soup, and then long drawn out goodbyes, a million true big bear hugs (the best kind!). At 11:30am, I retreated to my room. I took the most wonderful shower of all time. I laid in my bed for quite a while just euphoric. Wow :).

I’ve written many times about love. I love love. It is the root of my happiness :). When I first left the country for my big travels back in late 2011, I was madly madly passionately in love with my ex. We talked a bit about staying together, but we did not. Amazingly, that didn’t diminish my love one bit. I have said many times that I think the success of my international travels that 2012 came from the fact that everyday I was so in-love, and even when it became clear our future was not together, my in-love status stayed. That was the beginning of my real understanding of life and love. You can live in-love, regardless of whether or not there is a specific person accepting that love. By loving every moment, every thing, every place, every experience, every lesson, every challenge, every stranger (who is simply a friend you haven’t met yet;) you can create that wonderful giddiness similar to that of young love.

This experience with the San Pedro cactus reminded me of that. There are millions of things I love right now, it's only to necessary to acknowledge and appreciate them. This experience was definitely one of them :)

And no, I don’t think of it as just a trip on a recreational drug. Technically, yes, this ‘medicine’ of the San Pedro cactus produces mescaline, which for me had very similar sensations to that of twice-taken Molly (ecstasy). But, aside from the super loving state, it didn’t feel like those times, it didn’t feel like a party. It was different, it was guided, it was intentional, it was a gratitude celebration, a ceremony entirely devoted to connect, grow, learn, awaken, to open your eyes and heart. I felt a connection with the world, with the earth, with everyone and everything, rather than just my bf. The juice of this cactus has a long history in Andean medicine, has been used by shamans and healers for religious, therapeutic and restorative ceremonies favorably for over 3,000 years! They call it the teacher plant, and oh what a master teacher it is! You’ve more than liken heard or read that ‘we are all one’. To actually experience this oneness is an incredible gift.

What are we here on this earth for it not to make it a little better for all of mankind? What easier way to do that then by simply loving :).

and...

Adventure & Ashram Magic :)

2014-10-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

Wow wow wow wow wow... oh what magic a good adventure, good connections, and good rest can do for me!!

Our bodies, our minds, our spirits... they cannot be fooled. They know what they want, and when they get it, they react instinctively to let us know we're onto something :). For me, mine reacts in pronounced jubilation and genuine glee!!!

After a somewhat lackluster summer, my soul just got reignited by hanging off the side of Rucu Pichincha, a stratovolcano here in Ecuador :). It was an adrenaline-pumping, focus- frenzied, totally present, physically-draining, spirit-enlivening adventure!

Take a look:

Please excuse that it’s sometimes dizzying in fast forward mode!

The best clips are right around 2:00 and 4:15 if it’s too much to watch the whole thing :)

Holyyyy shit, eh?? It was sooooo rad, so so so so so rad. There were definitely a few spine-chilling moments. The wind was strong, the clouds were moving in, it was getting cold, the path was often unclear, oxygen was low, my water was running out, what was coming ahead was totally unknown and there was no going back the way I had come. I love these moments; when the faith in myself rises up, and I just have to trust I'll find the way and be able to make it. One of my favorite reason I love nature, it's always a great analogy to life! :)

The day started at breakfast with my three roomies: French Canadians Mathieu and Marco, and Jillian from Philadelphia. We were all staying with a local Ecuadorian family, a ‘professional mother’ who has been taking in foreign students from the local spanish schools for over 30 YEARS!! She was a wonderful, sprightly woman, always offering you food and a big ol' smile:).

Olga and I after church on Sunday.

Roomies!

We four took a couple local buses, to a short walk up the hill to the TereferiQo, one of the highest gondola lift’s in the World. It takes you up the east side of Quito, itself already 9,350’ ASL, and drops you off at a mere 13,451’. Holyyyyy elevation. If you’re not up on your height data.... that’s as high as the tallest mountain in Utah. Dang. At that height and diminishing oxygen, even the slightest of hills causes shortness of breathe.

Riding up was a marvel already. It’s a worthy tourist attraction:). Quito is a huge city tucked down into a valley, surrounded by mountains and volcanos. It’s gorgeous. Upon arrival, we took the obligatory tourist photos, and started our hike at 11:11am. I made sure to point this out, and we all made a wish for each 1 :).

After an hour of slow and steady trekking, through phenomenal views and landscapes, we came across Wayne, a friendly expat who has lived in Ecuador about 10 years (retired there). He’s climbed this mountain at least 70 times, and was eager to give advice, for which I am so happy, because he’s the one who told us about the ‘alternate ridge route’.

He, originally for Leavenworth, WA (therefore a fellow rock climber) says, ‘when you get to the first set of rocks, if you go to the left you can scale the rocks and eventually get to the peak.’ To the right is the easy path he says. He points out there is a tricky part to the left, but if you are a rock climber, it’s not a problem, around a 5.3 (in rock climb talk that’s nothing).

We hike on, me at the very back of the four, my heart pounding! I’ve been upwards of 18,000’ a few times, but this is not something you get used to! I was a turtle, because it was hard but also because it was amazing. Every step up revealed something new... in the rocks/ fields/ flowers/ drop-offs around us, as well as a bigger glimpse of the city below. Amazing. After a lunch break, and more ooh’ing and ahh’ing, we arrived to referenced rock portion. Where, I might add, mountain bikers had carried their bikes up and were cruising from there alllllll the way down to Quito... a 5000’ descent. Rad! (planning my chance to get at that for sure!)

Amazing :)

This bird came to say hello!

Necessary Nap time :)

When we came to what vaguely looked like the split, I was quite a ways behind the others. They had gone to the right. It took only a moment to decide I wouldn’t follow. I yelled that I would go left and see them at the top. They yelled and asked if I was sure i wanted to go alone. No doubt! “Don’t worry", I yelled... "I’m a mountain goat” :) haha

And I was off. Best decision ever :)

That was around 1pm. From there on, DANG Wayne! Either he’s a professional exaggerator, or I went the wrong way, because 5.3 my ass!!! The next two hours of my life were pure heaven: meaning packed with adrenaline and giant cliffs and massive views and overcoming fear! A number of times I was totally free-soloing (which means rock climbing without ropes). The climbs were easy in terms of rock climbing, maybe like 5.5, 5.6 because the holds were excellent... but hanging on the edge of giant windy cliff drops without ropes makes one check and double check each hold!!! WEEEEEE!!!!!

I fucking LOVEDDDD IT (excuse my language;)! Good lord, I was sooooo high on life. When I got to the top of the first ridge I saw there were many peaks to go, meaning it was going to take me a lot longer than expected to get to the summit. I felt bad that my roomies might be worried or wait for me... but I couldn’t let that get to me because there was too much amazingness to be felt and nothing I could do about it then (plus I think they could tell I was quite the independent from our prior days chatter :).

It’s really incredible how pure and amazing my happiness is when I’m out in nature, especially when it’s freaking bomb-ass-ridiculously amazing nature :). Every cell in my body was alive and jumping and celebrating (despite not being able to breathe fully)!

For the last hour, I was climbing mostly in clouds. That happens at such heights :). At times there were amazing peeks of blue sky and getting to see the city below that I paused to take in, but at the same time it was also becoming freezing and my hands were getting immobile. Better hustle up because it looked like it could rain any moment.

When I finally got to the top, I yelled and yipped and was so stoked I’d made it!!!! I was giddy as all get out, making it easy to quick make friends with the only other person on top, a woman named Monica that had passed us during our lunch break earlier.

She took my picture for me, and a minute later both my phone and go-pro died. Always I feel a moment of sorrow, and then relief when that happens :).

4,696m/15,407' Summit!

Then something super wonderful happened, Monica and I bonded in a really remarkable way. We sat together in silence and just took it all in, then decided that my little spanish and her little english were perfect to practice together. We started to descend, down the “standard path” and I quickly realized that not only it wasn’t easy at all (the main hike itself is still a feat) but there would have been slim to ZERO chance I would have found the way without her.

She led me down what was more lie a ‘non’ path (because it’s all rocks at that height, so no real path). She has been to the summit 5 times in her life, and it’s always hard to find the way back, so this time, she had put little white chalk marks and arrows on strategic rocks. Smart woman!! With the clouds as they were, you could barely see 10’ in front of you. I kept blowing on my hands to warm them and she insisted I take one of her gloves. Awww :)

After about 10 minutes of navigating only by her marks, I realized she was my angel. She had been sitting at the top for quite a while, just sitting there taking it in. Interesting :). Our bond was fast and furious and we somehow managed to chat like were were long lost best friends. By the time we got down the deal was sealed, I love her! We took this ridiculous gondola photo, ate some traditional Ecuadorian food, and waited 45 mins to take the teleferiqo back down. We happened to be seated with 4 Columbian singers, who sang (I prefer to think they were serenading us) the whole way down with their amazing voices.

Monica saved me for fun.. but also for real!

The standard schedule at my homestay is dinner at seven. I was getting really nervous that they were going to be so worried that I wasn’t there. Nightfall had come, so we decided to take a taxi. We were both so tired on the drive home I put my head on her shoulder and she held my hand. It was so amazing. I bought two copies of the funny photo so we’d both have the memory together, and we each wrote letters to each other on the back. Both letters so full of love and gratitude for each other. What a fabulous connection, again without even perfect verbal connection (reminds me of my Italian gpa in Austria!).

I arrived home at 7:05pm :). Gained this crazy burst of energy to reconnect with all my roomies and swap experiences and how sorry I was if they had worried! Turns out they didn’t even make it to the top because of the cold and clouds so I was extra happy I had went my own way! Ahhhhhhhhhh, a most fabbbbbuuullooouuusss day!!!

Such is the amazingness of the mountain and the connection of souls. What a day, what an experience. I feel like I needed that day so much, and didn’t even realize it until it was there. Just this amazing reminder of doing what feeds you, and how powerful a good connection can be. That’s another thing my soul craves: real, honest, quality connections. Where open emotions, soulful conversation, high vulnerability, and non-judgmental communication lead to that fabulous intuitive surety that you’ve met an incredible person.

Monica and I have since exchanged other endearing emails. Turns out she needed that day in her life as I much as I had. Fate I call that :).

The next morning I was ablaze with joyfulness. I went to church with Olga, mi madre Ecuadoriana, and then hit the old town with a new roomie, Hannas from German. We explored el centro historico for a wonderful couple hours. This feels like my regular mojo. I broke down and finally bought myself some new shoes. It was sad to say goodbye to the awesome old ones :)

They did me well ;)

Then it was off to my ashram. OH MY GOSH. I took the local buses (an hour worth of travel for .55 cents!) and arrived at a little past 4. I met Daniela and Satya, two instructors-- beautiful souls. They showed me my room and I was delighted beyond delight to unpack and know I would be there for a month without having to pack again!!!!

I explored the grounds and just had this wonnndderful feeling of YES YES YES. It took me back to my other ashram experiences. It’s so amazing how a place can give a vibe, an amazingly welcoming and peaceful and home vibe :). The Bloom Woods shall have this vibe :)

My room! So bright :)

The outside wall and balcony

Balcony view :)

Sweet Staircase

Mi casa from the outside

Hammock time :)

The Studio

Workspace

At 6:30pm I went to help prepare dinner. The others were starting to arrive, and it became quite clear I was the only 1st language english speaker. My spanish really must be better than I’ve given myself credit because the entire dinner and all the chatting that happens at any introductory meeting/party was in spanish! By the end of this month... man, mi espanol va a estar bien (is going to be good)!!!! YAY!!

Then we went down for our introductory meditation session. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, is all I can say. Home. Peace. Love. Powerful. Energy. Beauty. Patience. :)

There were 9 of us. We went around first and introduced ourselves and a bit about ourselves. Very personal and significant talk. It was all in spanish and I wasn’t able to understand everything. I started to weep silently. When it was my turn I was so open and honest and just admitted that I was feeling a bit sad because I knew I was missing some beautiful vulnerability, and that I was the only one who would need translations and was feeling bad/guilty/pressure about that. But the other reason for the tears, that struck me in the most wonderful way, making me soooo happy, was that one of my irritating qualities could very likely be solved here:

I have a terrible habit of listening to someone’s story, but hearing some trigger that starts me to think about what I’m going to say next, before they are actually done talking. Only one ear still listening :(. I’ve been trying very hard to break this habit, but it’s somehow deep engrained and not as easy as it should be or as i want it to be to shake. What I realized sitting around and listening to the spanish testimonies, was that when the others are speaking in another language, if I stopped concentrating intently on what they were saying for even a moment, I would miss it.

Wow, what an opportunity I have here then! To practice my spanish so deeply, that it also makes me a better listener and person :). Ahhhh wonderful.

As I cried and expressed myself, the love and sensitivity in the room was as grand as grand can be. It’s not a problem, they say. They will translate everything just to make sure i have it, and it’s a good way for the others to practice their english anyways. This was already the way it was supposed to be (all our correspondence was in english, as is their website... it just so happens that this time I am the only one :). It's a wonderful moment of love and acknowledgement from everyone.

Then we do this aaammmmaaazinngggg meditation dance. We pull the energy from the ground and from the womb up to our hearts and out to the world. We push it forward, to the side, and to the back. Its about an hour of just breathing and dancing this simple dance, but it is soooo powerful for me. Pushing love forward to those I haven’t met yet, pushing it to the side, those with me now, and pushing it to the back, for those from my past. I am overwhelmed with so much love and peace in my soul. Ahhh I loveee my hippy free-spirit side :)

One of my beautiful teachers, Satya :)

We come together into a circle and engage in all sorts of positions to connect ourselves, hands, legs, massages. It finishes with child’s pose, and then it’s time for bed. I can only just say thank you from the bottom of my heart for such an amazing introductory session and evening.

This last week has been wonderful. I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Doing rad things doesn’t matter if you are doing them out of sync with your soul. A good indicator for me was the sudden burning desire I had to write again this week!!! All summer I felt I should write, but the tiny small moments of time I had, there was no inspiration. Instead I took to drinking and eating crap and seducing my way across America. Soooo much fun, but so unfulfilling in the long run.

The week here is very busy being relaxed ;). We have hours upon hours of slow tantric yoga and meditation and theory. My wonderful new friends here invited me for all sorts of events and suggestions for our free weekend, but all I wanted to do was stay in and write
(and rest my brain from spanish for a bit)!! ahhhh, I am so happy with my view and my warm tea and getting my thoughts onto paper again :).

Certainly I love excitement, but that ingredient alone isn’t enough. This summer highlighted that for me. I had adventure! I had challenge! I had experience upon experience. I had insight, I had change, I had growth. I loooovvveeee this summer for that. I learned soooo much. But I didn’t have peace and I didn’t have sufficient rejuvenation time and I didn’t have authenticity :(. I was the leader, I was supposed to know it all. Do it all. Be it all. I was supposed to know every answers and have all the plans set. There are plenty of leaders out there that can do this perfectly... but not me! I love uturns too much :).

Ironically, I still want to guide tours, but in a very different manner. ‘Facilitate a journey’ seems more appropriate :). More about that later, but the most valuable thing I took away from this summer, is that I prefer not to be the “leader”, but the student. Don’t get me wrong, I’m highly aware that every person, place, thing, or animal can teach us something. I am always a student, no matter what role.

The difference in what I’m saying is that my hobbies, my spark of life, comes from learning, experiencing, changing, growing. And for this, I like to be surrounded by those that inspire me, push me, teach me, challenge me: physically, mentally, spiritually, intellectually.

I have taken a liking to asking people if they prefer to be be the best student, strongest athlete, highest ranked professional, fastest runner, etc... or if they like to have someone ‘better’ around (or at least equivalent) someone that pushes them, motivates them. A simple hike is a good example and analogy for many situations. Often when unmatched physical (emotional/intellectual/spiritual) talents exist, there is a pressure with one or the other. As the slower one, some people will not like it, feeling like they are holding the other one back. Others, in my case me, love to be the slower one because it makes me want to work harder, get better, thank them and be impressed by the work they have done already to get so good. When I am the best, I feel the need to slow down and make sure I am not making the other feel inferior, and that doesn’t do much for either of us.

There will never be a ‘done’ for me. There is always room for improvement.

The manifestation of that for me is the Bloom Woods. Not so I can have a place to showcase myself, but rather to create a space where amazing human beings will want to come and live and work, so I can be surrounded by them:). Where we can share our knowledge and skills and talents without pressure or resentment. There we can then bring in others who want to be inspired, who will appreciate and take advantage of such knowledge and wisdom and not covet it, or be jealous of it, or find ways to break down the successes of others. And where we can push ourselves to amazing physical limits!

It's a somewhat odd combination, extreme adventure and the peaceful ashram. But it works amazingly for me, this merging. I believe a lot of great creations come from someone's own experience so powerful they want to share it :)