Where Is That Smell Coming From?

Oh the smell

2013-05-31T22:21:00.000-07:00

Three toddlers in diapers, two of them are teething. One of those two is being introduced to new foods.

There is shit everywhere!

I have probably wiped more poopy butts in the last four days than I have wiped my own in my entire life. It's like an assembly line of wieners and poop.

Tomorrow they will either have a potty duct taped to their asses, or wearing grocery bags like pants...

Just kidding

Hooooollly Shit... Where have I been?

2013-05-08T21:24:00.001-07:00

Well, I am back by popular demand!!!

Over TWO YEARS later...

Yeah that's my bad, I guess life just really got a hold of me.

I may be a little rusty, so I will just give a re-cap of what has happened since then.

As many of you know we were stuck in the god forsaken state of Idaho.

That pretty much sums up our time being held captive by the wonderful judicial system. Never again will I move back to that black hole shit hole of a state.

In April 2012 things started to change. Paxon, Guss, and myself were given the go ahead(OK more so just Paxon) to move to Washington State. 9 months and THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS later. Holy shit, the most expensive move of my life. But totally worth it for our happiness.

On May 7th 2012, Paxon celebrated his first birthday. Surrounded by his family

So let me tell you...

A walking one year old is completely different from an immobile baby.

COMPLETELY.

This kid was into everything. He was constantly falling and getting hurt, I started to think I should get him a helmet.

Then came the talking. And oooohhh boy is that fun.

Anyhoo.

Throughout the last year we have had our ups and downs. We had a blast getting to spend time with my best friend, Travis, who I have known now for 13 years. And am so glad he is around to keep me sane when I need it. That shithead really has helped me through a bunch.

We went to our first(and second) Mariner's games, and now we are absolutely hooked. And cannot wait for the Mother's Day Game this year.

We had so much fun through the year spending time with family, which we really had been lacking on due to living in the shithole(see above)

Paxon and his bestie, Hagen, were Garth and Wayne for Halloween. And their costumes were so funny you may piss yourself laughing.

That's right, we are those mothers that do shit like this to our children. But as you can see, it was totally worth it.

We met so many new people throughout the year and made such good friends. Big shout out the the May Moms for being great drinking/party animals :) See below post about how awesome a group of strangers can be. Especially if you move close enough to some of those crazy bitches :)

In November I was invited to a "parents weekend" with my two besties. Scared?? So was I at first.

We had a blast, and it was so good to be able to spend time with them without our kids. Don't get me wrong, I love all of those poopheads, but sometimes a break to get your head on straight is definitely needed.

My birthday came. And went. My now ex(wow is that a story for anyone interested) took me to Downtown Seattle and we had a really good time. It was nice to actually celebrate for a chance.

Christmas came, and Paxon of course was showered with gifts. We had a bigger family at that point(We were living with my boyfriend at that point, so Paxon got to celebrate three Christmas'. Four if you count the one at his dads, but I have no idea what the hell happened there)

Yes, that's a bitchin turtleneck for those who were curious.

Paxon started doing overnight visits with his dad, which was tough at first, but really the best thing for him.

We got to go to Texas to see my grandpa in January, which in turn means Paxon got to meet his great grandpa. It was an awesome trip, and I got to see one of my old friends Katie C, who I hadn't seen in almost 6 years.

And then Nick came in February. Holy fuck balls how great it felt to see him. It was awesome to have him, my brother, and I all reunited. It brought back so many memories, and really made me miss the good ole days. It also made me realize how much we have all grown up. Hes got kids, I've got a kid. We are fucking adults now. When the hell did that happen????

And then March came.

Oooohhh March 2013. How you changed things :)

March brought wonderful things into my life. March brought my best friend back. That asshole decided a few years ago to move to a different state, much farther away from me. And well I couldn't leave the black hole vortex shit hole.

Some things really never change. And if it wasn't for her than I wouldn't have gotten through the month of April.

Katie moved the beginning of March. I drove the 2+ hours to her house two weeks in a row, and then she came up to me. There was a few more trips added in there, and Paxon and I even went and stayed for 5 days in the second week of April.

This is where BOTH of my best friends have helped keep me sane.

Without getting into complete details and compromising anything I will try and give the most info I can.

One night in April, some shit went down. And honestly, no matter how you look at it, I am very lucky to be alive(big shout out to the homie that called the police, then sat with me and held my hand for as long as I needed). She listened to me try and scream my story to her through tears and complete heartbreak. She was on top of everything when I was in the emergency room the next morning, while packing our entire life up and moving within a matter of hours, and while I was back in the emergency room the same evening. (its amazing what can knock a kidney stone loose)

If you, or anybody you know, is a victim of domestic violence please SPEAK UP!!! Nothing will ever change or stop if the silence is not broken. It is NEVER OK for anyone to put hands on you. (There will be another post later about the real honest affects of domestic violence. I suggest bringing tissues)

Continuing on about how awesome my besties are. They let me come AGAIN(which was just DAYS after I had left after staying 5 days) and let us stay 4 more. It was normal. We needed normal. We needed to try and forget about what had happened. But every head turn, swallow, and look in the mirror was a big reminder.

Days after we get home, I am rushed to the ER. AGAIN. The day before I was in extreme pain and my Dr refused to give me another CT scan because of how much radiation I was exposed to in the last months. Three of which were the week before after the assault. Turns out the kidney stone had grown in size, and was over 1cm in diameter. Which means it was bigger than a cheerio. And it was blocking my urethra. You can only imagine that pain. It was worse than labor and a csection recovery. I was given CT #7, and then immediately transferred via ambulance to another hospital.

Let me just say this. Thank god for morphine pumps. I would have probably ripped my own face off with the amount of pain I was in. The next day I had surgery to place a stent in my kidney and to blast my stone. The second I was out of recovery I was walking around and ready to go home. Ready to see my boy. I missed him so much.

So what do I do after I get out of the hospital? Detail my car. Big mistake lol. I dropped Paxon off at his dads later that night and hauled ass to Oregon to spend a few more days with my bestie. Priorities right?

So now it is officially two weeks since my surgery. And tomorrow I get my stent removed. The nurse said it is a "simple procedure" SIMPLE FOR WHO??? YOU??? Because to me the definition of simple isn't having a scope and a pair of tongs shoved up my urethra(those crazy bastards told me to come un medicated.. Helllo.. Are you high on cat shit?) and then having a third item pulled out. Holy.Fuck. My urethra is in a complete pucker just thinking about it.

So there. That's the recap as to what has happened. Now I get to think of fun posts, because I am no longer in a custody battle, so I don't have to worry about sounding like the person I'm not. So be prepared for a lot of swearing and you may want to put on some depends, because shit is about to get real.

You know you are a breastfeeding mom when...

2011-12-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

So I know that it has been a while since I've posted anything, but at this time in my life it is very difficult for me to find the humor in a lot of things. I realized though that finding things to post that are infact funny, really helps to keep my spirits up. It is getting really hard now to not want a cigarette. I quit after 6 years in January, and have had maybe the equivilent of one whole cigarette since then. So I am going to channel my cigarette cravings into blogs. So for a while there might be quite a few more.

For now lets see what I can come up with for a list of "You know you are a breastfeeding mom when"

1) You have told multiple strangers to kiss your ass when you get a dirty look

2) You have offered to show your entire boob to an older gentleman because you didn't want him to break his neck while walking away

3) If you are in the general area of a Fred Meyer and your baby is hungry you make a detour because your child needs to eat and they have couches in their furniture department! (Everytime I go to Boise I do this, that is why people see me there all the time haha! Hey its way more comfy then squeezing in the front seat of the car)

4) You sleep with your boobs flopped out of your shirt. Meaning you can wake up rolled on top of one, or pinching one in your armpit area.

5) You pick out your shirt for the day, not only because of how it looks, but how easy it will be to whip the girls out

6) Your bras have quick release latches

7) You have hosed down a part of your childs(or your friends child) body to help with a rash or pinkeye

8) Almost every member of your family has seen your boobs

9) You have to hold your boobs in the store because somebody else has a crying baby

10) You have had a complete stranger point out to you that your boobs are leaking right through your shirt

11) You can feed a baby, answer the phone, and cook dinner all at the same time

12) You get to look down at your baby eating, and feel the best bond ever

Is this day really happening?

2011-11-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

Today has just been a day from hell for me. Well the last three months have been a whirlwind, but it seems as though lately they are getting more difficult and emotional. Apparently that is what almost complete isolation does to a person.

Anyways, I loved the fact that Paxon let me sleep in until 10. And the first hour of my day was actually great. I had to call the vet because Guss(the dog) has been itching really bad lately, and he has allergies so I needed to know what I could do for him to make him more comfortable. So I pick up antibiotics for him that cost me $48!!! I give them to him, and then ten minutes later he vomits in my living room. But it is not only on the carpet, its on a onesie of Paxon's that was next to him, and on my notebook. Now the shirt and the carpet I am fine with. But this notebook is my life right now. It is hundreds of handwritten pages about EVERYTHING in my court case. It contains all of my notes and important information. Luckily the puke was only on the bottom and sides of the pages, so it wasn't completely ruined. But I wasn't about to keep using it.

I had to drive all the way into town through an almost white out snow storm, because I knew the roads were just going to get worse the next few days, and I have to get everything transferred to a new notebook before Monday.

It is interesting to me how just a few little mishaps can turn into a mild emotional breakdown. If it wasn't for Paxon, my mom, and my bestie Katie, I don't know how I would pull out of some of these.

On another note my child has been sleeping for an hour and a half, which he has not done in quite some time. I always miss him when he takes long naps. Its almost like I dont know what to do with myself.

Maybe I should get off of this thing and switch my laundry over. I know this was a boring post today, but I am really not myself. Tomorrow will bring more humor!! And my child is now awake thanks to the guy outside on his quad.

You have how many children?!

2011-11-17T12:26:00.000-08:00

Now I know this is a topic that everyone has different views and opinions on, so feel free to leave comments!!!

If you haven't guessed this already, I am talking about the Duggar family. Now before I go any further I feel that is necessary to say "to each their own" but COME ON PEOPLE!

These people just announced that they are going to have their 20^thchild!!! One of the main reasons I am so appalled is because of the health risks that this lady is putting on herself and her unborn child! Her last baby(number 19) was born at 25 weeks. Most hospitals wont attempt to save the life of a baby born before 25 weeks, that is how premature and early this baby was. It is just soooo dangerous. How are doctors even accepting here as a patient? If god-forbid something happened to this woman during childbirth, how do the doctors know they wont be sued?

Now I can look at my body after one baby, a c-section, and see definate changes. My boobs are bigger(and a little bit lower... YIKES) my hips are wider, I've got some stretch marks(I was lucky to have them fade very quickly), and my feet have gotten a little bigger. Could you imagine how this lady looks after 19, about to be 20??? I wouldn't be surprised if this lady could tuck her boobs into her socks. And she has had I two sets of twins, and MULTIPLE c-sections. Think of the vaginal births. She has had so many how does her uterus and vagina handle all of that stress? How does her body continue to hold these babies in?

My theory is this: If you want to have a large family, and you can afford it, by all means do it! But when it comes to risking the life of the mother and the child, is it really worth it to keep going after a certain point? If you really want to have more children, adopt one, save a life instead of risking two.

I think these people do instill good morals and values into their children, and thank god some people still do this, because I feel that it is always lost in translation. But if you have so many children, that your older ones have to raise the younger ones, how is that fair to the older ones? Yes, it teaches responsibility, but so does taking care of yourself. I mean I am looking on their website, and one of these kids has the chore of cleaning all NINE bathrooms weekly. That is a lot of other peoples pee and other messes to clean up. I cleaned one bathroom once a week growing up, and I can guarentee I have the same sense of responsibility that these people do.

Their website says that they had a miscarriage after their first child, which really is sad. They blamed it on the birth control pill, and since then have forgone all contraceptives. Uhm, have these people not heard about condoms? They are hormone free and I bet Trojan would even sponser these people. What about surgical procedures? Those are almost full proof, then they can continue to have all of the unprotected sex they want!

After doing the math, this lady has been pregnant around 13.5 full years of her life. She is only 45 years old, and has been pregnant around 162 months, give or take of course for length of pregnancy. That makes my uterus hurt. She has a baby almost ever year and a half, which is just ungodly. How does insurance even continue to pay for this?

Like I said before, it is to each their own, but when is it too much?

The top 15

2011-11-15T15:51:00.000-08:00

As I was driving to Boise and home yesterday, I thought it would be great to come up with 15 different names for the wonder that is breastmilk... So hold on tight here we go!

1. Breastmilk (its an obvious one, but hey that's what people call it!! Where is the fun?)

2. Tata Sauce (my fave, and also what we call it in my house)

3. Hot Toddy (another version of the tata sauce)

4. Tot Sauce(again shortened version of the tata sauce)

5. Boob Juice

6. Boobie Juice

7. Boob Beer (it's always on tap!)

8. Knocker Nectar ( I came up with this one the other night, and I almost peed my pants because I found it wonderful)

9. LaBamba Lager (thanks mom)

10. Mama's Milk

11. Titty Juice

12. The Milk Bar

13. Jug Juice

14. Hooter Hooch

15. Titty Tea

If you have any others please leave comments below!!!

Oh the conversations we have

2011-11-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Sorry about no post yesterday, my mom is in town so we are having much needed family time.

Anyhoo.

I have a friend named Katie, who is really the best friend a gal could have...

We met December 27thish, 2008 and had been inseparable until I moved to Idaho in March of 2009. Now we are still in different states, have the cutest little boys(her son was born in January), and don't let any distance come between us. We talk on the phone every day, usually multiple times a day.

When we first met our conversations were about the most random things. Our work, the upcoming weekend, and just about anything else you could think of. And if you know Katie and I, you can only imagine the things we talk about... And if you've heard it before, I apologize ;)

Fast forward to now, November 2011. Our conversations are about our boys, poop, pee, vomit, wieners, balls, fat rolls, baby farts, burps, and of course tons of other random topics.

Before I became a mom, I had normal(well as normal as I can get) conversations with people. I usually never talked about poop with people, and now it seems the topic of a lot of the conversations I am involved in. Just about any body fluid was never spoken about, unless it was about somebody "breaking the seal."

It amazes me how much people change when they have children. I love it! I will admit before I got pregnant I couldn't figure out why a lot of people drop off the radar when they become parents, but now I totally understand. It isn't always the people that are having the children that causes the sudden drop, it is the friends of these people! Before I was pregnant I had TONS of friends, and now my friend count is sadly dwindled down to what it was when I first moved to Boise and only knew a few people. And it is all because I have a child now, and cannot go out and get wasted every weekend. Really people is your life worth losing really good friends over a beer or a bar filled with half naked tramps? If that is the way you live your life, oh boy are you going to be disappointed later.

If these people took the time to put their drink down, and interact with their friends with children, they will realize that we are the same person we were before. Yes we are different in some ways, but our personalities don't change. We are still us, just in different form.

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On another topic, tomorrow I have to go to the interim custody/visitation hearing, and I am so nervous about it. I hate the fact that Paxon and my safety and schedule is determined by somebody else, who has no idea who my son is, and what his individual needs are. I hate the fact that it is up to a stranger to decide if I have to drive my son on an extremely dangerous road, through awful road conditions that are sometimes fatal.

This whole situation has my stomach in knots, and makes me sick. I know what all of this drama and stress does to my son, and I want to be able to provide the best for him. Which sadly, I feel like through this entire situation, that I am the only one who feels that way. To other people they think this is some game. When it is the farthest thing from that. It is no game, this is a child's life and well being. He is not an animal that has no idea what is going on, and feels no repercussions from being tossed around back and forth. He is a child, a human being, he knows exactly what is going on, and his body language and attitude will prove that.

Paxon and I will need your thoughts and prayers with us for the drive into and home from Boise tomorrow, and while we are in court. I am in for the long haul for one of the hardest fights of my life, the fight for my child. And at 10:30 tomorrow morning, I will be doing everything in my power to show these people, that I will do anything and everything to keep my son safe, secure, and happy.

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Tomorrow there will be no post due to the fact we will be busy all day. Tuesday I will post about the events of the hearing.

The amazing friendships between strangers

2011-11-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

When I first found out I was pregnant my best friend told me about an app called "What to Expect." At first I kept forgetting to download it, and wasn't sure if I really wanted to. Now, a year later, I realize it is one of the best decisions that I've ever made.

I loved being able to log on and see the progress of my pregnancy, what fruit I could compare Paxon to at the time, and what his estimated size would be. I also loved being able to read about the weekly developments, and other fun tips the app provided.

The best part of the app was the forums. There were HUNDREDS of moms from all over the world, and all of them were expecting their babies in May of 2011. Pictures were shared of baby bumps, and any question imaginable could be asked. And let me tell you some of the questions could get pretty out there and personal, but nobody cared and answered the questions honestly. If it wasn't for the app I would have been calling my doctor constantly.

Towards the end it was amazing to hear about people going into labor, and it was my absolute favorite to read the birth stories and to see pictures of all of the new babies.

After Paxon was born I joined a Facebook group of these mommy's. And after being switched around to a few different groups for reasons we wont get into here, it is safe to say that now I have found the best group of friends.

As of today 11/11/11 at 11:44 a.m we have 286 members and we are all like a great big family. It amazes me so much how a group of women have grown together, and help complete strangers. This group of women amazes me everyday, and even give me goosebumps sometimes. The generosity from these strangers is something that nobody will understand until they have seen what these incredible women do.

I myself have been lucky enough to experience the generosity. I had posted about wanting a Moby wrap so I could wear Paxon, and a week later there was one in my mailbox. All because another mommy had one and did not use it anymore. I posted about a friend, who needed items for her unborn child, and without hesitation, many of these ladies started going through the items they had left over, and offered to send them to this friend of mine. Who they have never met or even spoken too. Wow. That is wonderful.
.
A lot of these mommy's have been able to meet in person and have play dates. I think that's awesome! I wish
so bad that I lived closer to a lot of them, because in just the last six months, I have become closer with these ladies then my own "friends." These ladies know more about what is going on with Paxon and me then my own "friends." These ladies are there for each other, when sometimes nobody else is. And they are honest. Which nowadays is refreshing.

I'm not able to say Thank You to each of you individually, but I did want to take the time to thank the entire group. You are all a bunch of amazing women, and I am so proud to be a part of this group. You all mean more to me then you will probably ever know.

A day for random thoughts

2011-11-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

So I was so happy that it had snowed, but its November, and I am in the mountains of Idaho. Why do I keep waking up to less and less snow every day? Today there is NONE in the yard... I really cant make my snowman now, and if I try and pull Paxon through the yard in a sled, the neighbors may have me committed!

I complain now, but in a month or two, the snow will be higher than my car in some areas. At the beginning and end of my driveway on each side I have orange markers that are maybe 3 or 4 feet tall, so that I know where my driveway is when the snow hits. Then it will be so cold I will not want to EVER leave the house. But that is OK, because I will be able to stay inside and enjoy looking at Christmas decorations with my Paxon.
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On another note, tomorrow my mom will be here! Woohoo!! Paxon loves his Grandma and Grandpa. It is so nice when she is here, because I get to spend much needed time with her. I also enjoy the fact that I can take a shower longer than five or ten minutes. Plus I find it hilarious that every time she changes his diaper he pees on her. I think that woman should own stock in J&J, and desitin. Before bed she gets that more slicked up than the Exon spill. I turn around and there is desitin EVERYWHERE. It is hilarious. I love that I will get an entire weekend with her, doesn't matter how old you are, sometimes you just need your mom.
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Is anybody else having issues with Huggies Snug n Dry??? Those things are leaving blue on EVERYTHING! On Paxon's legs, on his jams, on anything the diaper comes in contact with. Suuuuper irritating, luckily it doesn't stain. But being in a fairly dirty custody battle, having blue spots on my child's legs that resemble bruises is NO BUENO!

Now the reason that I love Huggies is this:

I call them and tell them whats going on, and they are sending me coupons to replace the diapers! It was no hassle at all, except for having to wait on hold for ten minutes, but I am fine with that.

This isn't the first time I have had to call for replacement coupons. And every time I have called, they are super nice, and really make it right. Why aren't more companies like that these days?

One time I even called them because I had a huge case of diapers from Target that were too small, and they even said Target on the box, but they wouldn't take them back because they were special editions. I call Huggies, they send coupons!!!

And they are always generous with the coupons they send, which for a non-working single mother, really help a ton!
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Now here is a little tip to a deal I don't know if many of you have realized yet:

Target usually gives a $5 or $10 gift card for purchasing two cases of Huggies diapers, the amount of gift card changes constantly. In the paper from 10/30 there was a coupon for $5 off of a $25 Kimberly Clark purchase, which is HUGGIES. So for buying two boxes of Huggies, you can get $10, $15, or $20 back in gift cards! Which you can turn around and use for whatever you want! I will be using my free diaper coupons, getting $20 back in gift cards, and then buying more wipes. It's a deal you cannot pass up!
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Another company that I absolutely LOOOVE is Graco. Almost every big baby item that I have is made by Graco. My car seat, stroller, highchair,and swing.

The reason that I love them is this: I have a Sweet Peace swing from Graco, that is absolutely fabulous. It retails close to $200, but I got it for $60 at a thrift store. It was an absolute steal. I got it three months before Paxon was born, and by the time he came home the motor was burnt out. I called Graco, explained the situation, and four days later I had a brand new motor in my house, and I did not pay a dime.
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Wonderful customer service, where has it gone? I've once had a lady from my credit union ask if I was going to shut up while we were on the phone.

Why do people think it is OK to be such a-holes anymore? Personally I don't put up with it. If I think you are being rude, I will tell you. I don't care if you are 7 or 70. Don't be rude. Paxon is 6 months old and I find myself telling him that. I can't stand rude people. I can't stand uncouth people.
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I'm really not sure where I was going with this today, but well it is what I had on my mind. Just be lucky your not in it :)

You know you are a mom when...

2011-11-09T12:10:00.000-08:00

As I was cleaning out my underwear drawer yesterday I realized just how much my life has changed in the last 14 months. Some of the changes make me scratch my head, but they are all worth it.

You know you are a mom when:

1. Your underpants go from small and lacy thongs to something cotton that covers way more area(that's right guys, this gals still single too) Whether that be a full cotton number that resembles something your mother wears, or a thong, either one of them has about doubled in size in length and width.

Remember ladies, to not get carried away with the height of them. This one is way over the top. If your underpants cover your belly button.... You are too much like your grandmother and its time to go shopping

2. Your bras have changed in almost the same way. They went from lacy, with smaller cups, and maybe one or two hooks on the back. To three hooks or more in the back, straps that have doubled in size, "quick release" hooks on the top of the cups so you can literally drop your boobs right on out, and cups that you could also use as an umbrella in case it starts to rain. I forgot to also mention that they don't come in the cute little styles and patterns as regular bras. You get white, black, and nude. There is nothing that will make you feel sexier, than full butted cotton underpants and a three hook nude bra... Yea baby!

3. You wipe someone else's butt more in a day then you do your own.

4. Someone else's poop on your hands or clothes doesn't gross you out.

5. Being peed on is an every day occurrence.

6. Having someone suck on your nipples is no longer a crazy Friday night... It is every night

7. Showers go from long and relaxing to just long enough to wash the dried poop, puke, and spit out of your hair.

8. When you go shopping the cutest shirts are only 6inches long and cost $4.00

9Your idea of a nice cold drink is the diet soda you just pulled out of the fridge.

10. Your idea of a "wild night" is getting the baby to sleep early so you can enjoy quiet time with yourself, and maybe a glass of wine

11. You do more laundry in a week then you used to in an entire month.

12. You are up at 2,3,4,5,or 6 am with your baby. Before you would still be up from a night of drinking

13. You dont have painted toenails. Because it has been so long since you painted them it has grown off.

14. You rock the half grown off painted toenail

15. Fingernail polish... Whats that?

16. The funniest thing you see in a day comes from someone with no teeth.

17. All of the books you read constantly rhyme.

18. You haven't been this excited about Christmas for YEARS.

19. High heels have been traded for flip flops and tennis shoes.

20. Late nights out have been traded for early nights in.

21. You get excited about being able to spray a liquid from your body across the entire room.

22. You can pee, wash your hands, and be back to your baby in under two minutes.

23. You have gotten rid of most of your clothes to make room for itty bitty ones.

24. You go on a binky expedition at 3am.

25. You haven't had a full nights sleep in god only knows how long (for me its been about 7 or 8 months)

26. The songs stuck in your head have gone from whatever is catchy on the radio to Old MacDonald, Bingo, twinkle twinkle, and whatever Christmas carols you can remember.

27. You sing Christmas carols to your child because you cannot remember the words to a lot of nursery rhymes.

28. You start to talk to adults like you do your child.

29. Your beautiful Coach purse has been replaced with a diaper bag and a car seat.

30. You are excited about someone else(meaning your child) taking a great big poop.

31. Hearing your child take a great big poop makes you just as excited as a kid in a candy store.

32. You are always 5-10 minutes late for wherever you are going.

33. Wardrobe malfunction now means someones diaper leaked, and the outfit has to be changed.

34. You wipe boogers, spit, or puke on your pants when you cant find a rag or blanket.

35. It takes you an extra 20 minutes to go grocery shopping, because all of the old ladies want to see your baby.

36. You can gain and lose 60 pounds in less than a year, without any lipo or diet pills.

37. The sight of your child inside of a pumpkin fills you with uncontrollable glee.

38. Your phone or camera has THOUSANDS of pictures in it because you just cant take enough.

39. You can do every normal daily activity one handed, because you have a grumpy baby in the other.

40. Your boobs start to leak in public just because someone else's child is crying.

41. You wake up to someone violently slapping your boobs just because they want you to wake up.

42. You use baby wipes for everything. Vomit, boogers, dirty hands, the dashboard of your car, and of course anything else on the baby.

43. You could braid your leg hair. (Hey as long as your pits are done, that's fine by be)

44. You walk around with your extremely long leg hair for everyone too see, and don't realize it until you get home.

45. You forget to put on deodorant because the baby started crying. Now you cant figure out where that smell is coming from and why it has been following you around all day.

46. Your child's binky drops on the floor in a public place, and you use YOUR mouth to clean it off.... I don't even want to think of the germs I have gotten from that.

47. Your eyebrows are starting to grow together.

48. You can put your hair in a ponytail and have a brown head, but a blond ponytail.

49. You don't have to call the doctor for all of your questions, but you long onto your awesome mommy support group and get all of the answers you could ever need.

50. All of your friends are complete strangers you met through your awesome mommy support group :)

51. Conversations with friends have nothing to do with anything other then your children.

52. You cry packing away clothes that no longer fit... Ones that belong to the baby and yourself.

53. You haven't had a hot meal in months, and your OK with it.

54. You lived off of frozen food for months at a time.

55. You use food as bribery or a bargaining tool, or just to get five minutes of quiet.

56. You add a Y to the end of every word, and continue to do so when you aren't talking to your baby.

57. You can drive your car, shift to third gear, and steer with your knee, all because there is a meltdown in the backseat and somebody needs their binky!

58. You cannot wait to see Santa this year!

59. You cant resist biting your child's naked hiney, even though you know what came out of it earlier in the day.

60. Kisses come with spit and boogers.

61. You spend time milking yourself.

62. Your the envy of your childless friends because you haven't had a period in over a year.

63. You need to buy stock in energizer because you go through batteries like it is nobodies business... Hey at least its for baby toys!

64. You haven't been to the movies in months. Either because you were too big to sit in those tiny chairs for two hours, or because you don't want to be the person with the screaming baby in the movie theatre.

65. You turn down the radio to sing ridiculous made up songs.

66. You use spit to fix a cowlick or to get something off of your kids face when you cant find your trusty baby wipes

67. You can put a binky in your child's mouth as they are quickly jumping away in their jumperoo.

68. You spend the little alone time you get during naps or after bedtime by cleaning the house.

69. You keep toys and extra binky's in the front seat for emergency purposes(in case you can find the binky blindly while driving)

70. The five hours of straight sleep you got makes you feel like a new woman.

71. You don't even carry a purse anymore. Everything you need is kept in the diaper bag or in your pockets.

72. You lose everything because your mommy brain is more focused on the last time your baby ate.

73. You don't even close the door when you go to the bathroom.

74. You have an audience when you use the bathroom.

And finally... You know you are a mom when

75. All 74 of those happen every day, and you wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Because being a mom is the best thing you have ever done. Because the smiles and laughs from your children make it all worth it :)

I think my baby has spidey sense

2011-11-08T13:31:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about: ESP =Extrasensory perception

Some days I really think that kid has ESP or some sort of psychic abilities. I noticed this very early on, when Paxon would wake up at the most random times.

For example, when I used to pump, I would wait until he was asleep. After about five minutes Paxon would wake up and not put himself back to sleep. I am assuming that it is because the smell of delicious tata sauce made it back into our room and floated up his little noseholes. Or its the ESP.

To this day I have to tiptoe to the bathroom if he is taking a nap, because he will automatically wake up if I get even remotely close to his door. And I can even hold my breath and walk super light, and he still pops his eyeballs open.

At bedtime, I rock him to sleep, then put him in his crib. Since day one we have rocked to sleep, its our thing. Plus it gives me extra cuddle time :) Once he is in his crib, I go back out to the living room to have my mommy time before I go to bed. Which usually consists of Facebook and talking on the phone with my bestie. By the time I make it back into the room, his eyes are wide open and he is all smiles.

Maybe he can join Sylvia on the Montel show :)

My child is not usually a light sleeper. I can vacuum, do dishes, or anything loud really while he is sleeping. But if it has to do with me, my voice, or my tatas he knows and is instantly awake. Apparently what mom is doing is just much more important than the back of his eyeballs.

Most days I think it is super cute when I catch him awake, because I always get a super cute smile from him and then he just passes back out.

And other days he is just ready to go even after only taking a half an hour nap.

I wonder what it is that makes kids not want to nap. I would LOVE to have the opportunity to take a nap some days, and Paxon gets multiple! I constantly find myself telling him "it's OK, if anything exciting happens, I will wake you up." I have yet to find something exciting enough that he should not miss.

Sometimes though playing with your toys and taking a poop are more important then sleeping. Apparently now is the time for both.

On another note:

I wonder why my son finds it necessary to look at me, give a huge smile, then a little giggle every time after he lets out a toot. I also wonder why I find it just as funny as he does. Apparently it starts at a young age and it is a habit I am sure he will never grow out of.

6 Months Ago Today...

2011-11-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

I was in the hospital trying to bring my boy into the world, and on May 7, 2011 at 7:14 p.m. he was born. 7 pounds 14 ounces and 20.5 inches and the absolute love of my life. My lucky seven boy...

6 months ago today, I had no idea that I would end up loving another person as much as I do now. Paxon has filled my life with so much joy and happiness I could just burst at the seams.

Yes, being a single mother is hard work. Yes, I am tired most of the time. Yes, my hair and makeup isn't always done. But my child is happy, healthy, and

I feel like it has been so long since I first brought my tiny little baby home. He was just sooo little.

It is amazing how fast they grow up, and I am so glad that I took so many pictures of him.

I remember a tiny little baby, that couldn't even hold his head up, that found staying awake for more than ten minutes challenging, that couldn't even smile no matter how hard his mommy tried. His super tiny little diapers, that now couldn't even cover one of his thunder thighs. A little boy who couldn't sleep through the night. To this day at six months old, I still do not want to leave him. The longest we have ever been apart since coming home from the hospital is two hours, and that was the hardest two hours of my life. I do not look forward to having to leave him in the future, and it breaks my heart just thinking about it.

I love how his personality is showing more and more everyday. This kid really is funny.

I feel so privileged to be his mother. Even when he pees on me or sprays poop on my leg(has only done that once at a week old). I love being able to wake up next to him, and be the one to make him laugh. I love being mommy, and knowing all of his tricks and secrets. I love being there for him, when other people chose not too.

I like to think of it as mommy super powers. I think that when our children are born us mothers get a little ESP. How else could I know that Paxon is awake without hearing a noise come from the room? Or know he has a poopy diaper without smelling or checking it? Or know exactly what is wrong with him just from one little cry? I'm telling you... Its super powers... How else do you think your mom knew EXACTLY what you did wrong all of the time?

I love that we have made it six whole months breastfeeding. In the beginning it did not come easy for us. We worked and worked and worked hard to get it down. And we did! With help from nipple shields and lactation consultants, after only one month, we were shield free, and kicking butt at the tata sauce! Since then we have had some hard times. Gone through issues with my supply dropping, and him having to be supplemented with formula. But we pulled through it! And now he gets nothing but the sauce, and the pride I get just from knowing that, is overwhelming.

Everyday my boy is getting more and more independent. He can sit and play with his toys alone, or be in his jumper for up to an hour, which amazes me!!! He still loves to read his books and cuddle with mom. His favorite time of the day is still bath or shower time at night with mom, which I have no problem with :) He has found a new best friend in our dog Guss, who he loves giving kisses, petting, and letting him lick his hands.

As sad as I am to see him grow up, I cannot wait for what is to come. Before I know it he will be crawling, walking, and talking. My big boy is really growing up. And the more time that goes on, the more my pride and love for him will grow.

Happy Birthday Paxon!!! Mommy loves you!!!

Heather's guide to cows, bats, and other unwanted creatures

2011-11-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

First off let me start with this, I don’t do nature. It’s not my thing. I don’t care for it. I’m just not that girl.

Now let me say this, I am living in a very nature filled area. The town I am in has 138 people on a good day. There is trees and mountains all around me. What comes with trees and nature? BUGS AND ANIMALS. Oh it makes me shudder just thinking about it. I think I may have just felt my leg hairs grow.

There is also quite a few farms in this area. Usually I am fine with farms. Until Farmer Joe decides to open up the gate and let the cows roam around the neighborhood. KEEP BESSIE IN HER CORRAL! I am absolutely terrified of cows. Why do they think the best time to let them out is when it is dark outside?

I guess there are scarier things to find outside of your bedroom window at night...

The only reason I know it was cows is because I didn’t have to pull the weed whacker out for a few months, and cow patties aren’t meant to be scooped up with a shovel. Oh my god it’s going to make me sick.

Those scary monstrosities were outside of my bedroom window when I was asleep. What do I picture though? A big freaking cow staring at me sleep through my blinds, that’s probably why I woke up.

I don’t even eat cows, and that is the biggest revenge I could have!

My solution to this problem is:

Wait it out and don’t make eye contact! Tis the season for the big cattle trucks to take them on a nice ride

Now again back to that bat.

I have no idea if that flying rodent is still coming in the house, I am too afraid to go upstairs and check. In my situation there really is no way to get rid of that winged spawn of Satan. I could try and set some kind of trap, but then what would I do with the bat once I caught it? I sure wouldn’t get close to it. So I am going to go along with the “if it doesn’t bother me, I’m not going to bother it” way of living, and just ignore the issue until it becomes a problem. We don’t go upstairs anyways!

Yo, the name is Batty, the logic is erratic, potato in a jacket, toys in the attic, I rock and I ramble, my brain is scrambled, rap like an animal but I'm a mammal

I am so glad the snow has hit the ground and it is colder outside, because that means the Idaho fly season is gone! If any of you have been to or lived in Idaho, you know what I am talking about. You can have the most beautiful clean house out there, and still have it infested with flies. Those little suckers are everywhere, and just pop out of the least expected spots. My windowsills were live little fly cemeteries. You would think the bat would eat the flies.

OH and the bees, thank god those are gone too. I don't know how many times I have been walking around barefoot and almost stepped on one... Oh boy would I have been mad. See "Girls aren't supposed to kill bugs... Boys are"

You know, this really sounds like I am living in some dumpy house, but I swear, it's really nice! Let me straighten things out here really quick. Flies are EVERYWHERE in Idaho, bats are just weird bendy flexible creatures that can apparently squeeze through ridiculous sized spaces, and apparently bees do the same.

Another downside to living in the country is the wild game. Those things scare the crap out of me. They pop out of nowhere when you are driving, and stare at you from a distance when you come outside. Now I'm not a hunter, I don't eat any wild animal, I like mine pumped full of hormones and mass produced, but I love this time of year because it is hunting season. Which means there is less obstacles on the road for me.

One of these days I know that I will have to suck it up and start enjoying nature, because Paxon will not be one of those children inside all day playing video games or watching TV. He's a boy, hes going to want to go camping, fishing, and play in the mud. So I guess when that time comes I will pull up my big girl panties, and embrace my inner child!

Of course always in moderation :)

It snowed, does that mean I can turn on the Christmas Music?

2011-11-05T12:45:00.000-07:00

So yesterday about an hour after Paxon and I woke up, I looked outside and saw SNOW!!! Oh I was so excited, I started jumping around the house and screaming IT SNOWED IT SNOWED! Paxon and the dog were looking at me like I was crazy, I think they have figured out my secret.

I then got Paxon dressed like we were going on a trek through Antarctica. Fleece pants, a long sleeved shirt, two pairs of socks, a fleece jacket(with the hood up), a pair of mittens, a hat, and his big Columbia fleece snow suit(with the hood up too). He looked like a brown Michelin Man.

Now if you look very close you will see NO SNOW. It was coming down in really small flakes, and melting when it hit the ground. I may have overreacted just a smidge to Paxon seeing his first snow. The entire time we were outside he was looking at me with the same face, probably wondering why the hell he was dressed like that, and mad because he couldn't move.

All day I fought the urge to turn on the Christmas music. I wanted to SOOOOO bad, but since there was no snow on the ground, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Then around 4, I realize that the snow is really coming down, and its going to stay. So we hurry and run into town to get a few things, because being from Fairbanks Alaska, I know how people drive the first few days after the first snow, and we aren't going anywhere.

By the time we made it home it was a winter wonderland!!! I was in heaven. I couldn't wait to re-bundle Paxon(minus a few layers cause it really isn't that cold) and take him outside. So that is just what I did.

For having a mom that really doesn't do nature, this kid loves to be outside! I put him on his sled and pulled him around the front yard, and the whole time he was giggling and blowing raspberries.

Today I can no longer fight the urge...

I started a fire, and as I type this I am singing along to Bing Crosby.

The bad part is, I know where the Christmas decorations are, and it is physically painful to me that I am not putting them up. Last year I was decorating my tree and hanging stockings as trick or treaters came to the door. And the tree and stockings stayed up until around February. Hey it was only a 3ft tree so it wasn't in the way too bad. I was planning on decorating it for every holiday just so I could keep it up.

I will resist the urge to decorate though, as my parents will be here for Thanksgiving(19 days woohoo!), and we are all going to decorate the house and tree together, so that Paxon can see how it is really done.

I LOOOOOOVE Christmas.

I love the smells, how your house just feels warm and cozy, and most importantly I love being around my family. Last year was one of the best Christmas' I've had in a long time. My entire family was here, and that hadn't happened in 10-15 years if not longer.

This year, I don't know if we all will be together, I hope so as it is Paxon's first Christmas. Either way I know it will surpass last years' because Santa is coming for the first time for Paxon, and I know he will love all of the decorations. Plus he will get too see his two favorite people, his Grandma and Grandpa.

If it was up to Paxon though we would be leaving Santa a glass of breast milk and a baby mum mum!!!

So everyone, turn up your Christmas music, put on your Santa hat, and dance around naked! (If you own a pair of elf shoes, I am going to request you put those on as well)

You think breastfeeding is what?!

2011-11-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

LAZY?!

Apparently the people who think that never have breastfed a baby before. Because lazy, is the farthest word from the truth.

Breastfeeding is physically and mentally demanding on any mother. Breast milk is digested faster in a babies tummy than formula is, therefore we are feeding more often. And that even includes the middle of the night.

I don't even understand how somebody can think it is lazy, so I googled it. And now I just want to punch these people in their narrow minded faces. I came across one article, that is making me sick to my stomach. It makes me want to get off of my "lazy" butt go find these people, tackle them, and hose them down with my tata sauce.

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THESE PEOPLE?!

They totally have it right, I am too lazy to do dishes, so breastfeeding avoids the bottles. Go look in my sick dillhole, do you see one dish in there? NO! Oh and by the way, breastfed mothers still use bottles. Ever heard of a breast pump? Oh my god I am getting so mad just reading this.

We are all so lazy because we don't want to take the time to prepare a bottle. OK yea that's right too. These people must not understand that breastfeeding mothers prepare their babies food 24 HOURS A DAY! We aren't like the formula moms who can have a beer with dinner with no worries. We have to eat more calories in a day because our bodies work so hard to provide the right nutrients and calories for our babies. If you are out in public there is preparation involved you selfish POS. Here are my steps in preparation to feed in public, which in my opinion has a lot more steps than mixing a bottle of formula. 1) Find a spot where we will both be comfortable for 10-20 minutes 2) Arrange myself so that I will not be exposed to strangers(don't want to hear people like you talk smack to me) 3) Lift up a shirt, pull one down, unhook bra those should be individual steps in themselves! 4) Throw a blanket over my shoulder and get baby latched and comfy 5) Make sure baby doesn't rip of blanket to offend you a-holes, and make sure that my bare nipple isn't exposed all at the same time. What about the mothers that have to use nipple shields? I had to use one for the first month because we had latch issues. That takes time to get set up too.

Cant bother to warm a bottle in public? Whip out your milk warmers.
UGGGHHH!!!! That's right I will just whip them out, because my milk is the perfect temperature for my child. I don't have to worry about burning the inside of his mouth because I warmed a bottle too much. I also don't have to wait for it to warm up or cool down. I have it on tap at the right temperature for him.

I am also lazy because I don't want to take the time to figure out what is wrong with my child, so I just shove a boob in his mouth and call it good. This person must not have children. Because after some time every mother knows exactly what her child's cries mean. Paxon might not be able to use words to tell me what he needs, but I know by the noises he makes and the specific way he cries. Most of the time I am able to solve his problems without feeding him. But when he is hungry my boobs and I both know it. Does your bottle start leaking when your baby is hungry? I don't think so bucko.

I am also lazy because if I cosleep I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed my baby. WRONGO! I personally am not a fan of laying down and breastfeeding while I am asleep. I like to be able to pay attention to him eating, and sometimes he gets a little yank happy when he is asleep. So I wake up to feed my son. I get him out of his crib, and pull him into bed with me to eat. I know when he is done and how long he has eaten. I sacrifice the 20-30 minutes of my sleep in the middle of the night to make sure Paxon is fed, full, and happy. Then he comes back to bed with me. If he wakes up again I get up with him, and we do the same thing over and over.

This article is talking about how it takes a struggle for breastfeeding mothers to get the hang of breastfeeding, and that in the beginning we aren't lazy, but once we get the hang of it we are.

There is so many articles out there about this topic and it really is sickening. The people that write these either don't have children of their own, or just don't care about the health of them. They have also never had to deal with scabbed or bleeding nipples! Because we all know how breastfeeding is the best thing for your child. (see post "have milk will travel")

To you moms who wanted to breastfeed more than anything, but just couldn't for reasons other than you just didn't want too, my hat is off to you. The struggles I have heard trying to get your child to breastfeed is empowering to me and other moms out there.

Breastfeeding can be easy at times, but very difficult at others. But in the long run it is the most rewarding gift we can provide for our children.

And to a very specific mom of a very handsome preemie boy, I am so proud of you! Not only because of the way you handled all of the obstacles thrown at you, but because you pumped throughout all of it so he could have your breast milk. By you doing that, he was able to come home on time, and is a thriving healthy adorable boy! READY SET GO!

My body is going to do what?!

2011-11-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

So I have been taking my prental vitamins for a little over a year now, and let me tell you, those babies are like magic capsules.

When I was pregnant I had the most beautiful hair. It was so thick, shiny, and soft I was in heaven. For almost 9 months I did not shed at all and I absolutely loved it. Then I had my boy, and things sure did change.

One of the downsides of not losing any hair for 9 months, is that when you do start shedding again you lose so much hair you could make enough wigs to support a small balding country. I mean, this is getting ridiculous. I am now a few days shy of 6 months postpartum, and the hair loss has gradually started to slow down. Between months 4 and 5, I was losing so much hair that I was able to pull it out in clumps, and I had to unclog my tub drain every few days. There was hair EVERYWHERE. On the floors, in my bed, in/on my clothes, weaved through my towel(have no idea how that even happened), on Paxon's clothes, and sometimes I even found it in his hands or between his toes. My vacuum was constantly getting tangled with hair and my lint trap in my dryer looked like somebody washed my golden retriever.

Prenatals also do wonderful things for your fingernails. For the last year my nails have never been longer, or more strong. They also grow at warp speeds. I LOVE IT! Being someone with a bad nail biting habit in my past, I love the fact that I have long nails, and I don't pay a dime for them. I am constantly being asked who does my nails, and I get to reply "me".

Now toenails on the other hand, are mildly ridiculous. They too grow at warp speeds. But sometimes I feel like regular clippers just wont cut it, and want to bust out the power tools and safety googles.

I must say that I love my after baby body. Yes, there is certain things I dont always like, but then I look at my boy and realize it is all worth it.

I am not going to lie... I was a rather large woman...

This picture was taken the day before my water broke and two days before Paxon was born.

I was very lucky in my pregnancy to not have too much morning sickness, no hemmeroids, but oh boy did I get large, and did I swell. I didn't have to take my ring off until the last week of my pregnancy, and I wore flip flops from January until May.

Now almost six months later, the swelling is gone, I have lost all 60pounds(OH MY GOD!) that I had gained, and can now wear regular jeans in my pre pregnancy size. I am left with wider hips, temporarily bigger boobs, a linea nigra that lightens more everyday, and stretchmarks on my stomach and thighs. I love it all. I may not have the best looking body out there, but I do have the best lookin boy. And all of the stretching and widening is a reminder to how hard I worked for that boy. Its a reminder of going into the doctor's office or labor and delivery 5 or 6 times a week for a month straight to have my blood pressure monitored, the 23.5 hours of labor I went through to bring him here, the pushing for over 3 hours only to have him get stuck, going through a c-section and having to recover and take care of him all by myself with no help(except when my mom came into town), and how much love I have for him.

Mom's embrace your post baby body, because not everyone has the opportunity to go through what we did. Making another human and bringing them into this world is one of the greatest gifts we have. Embrace it!

Because a face like this makes everything worth it

My guide to the grocery store

2011-11-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's post I've decided that it is my duty to explain the rules of shopping to those of you who have NO IDEA that rules even exist. They indeed do exist, and hopefully this will help people out during the holiday season.

Rule #1
The old lady that you just cut off for that parking spot needs it a whole lot more than you do. Get off of your fat lazy butt and park towards the back of the parking lot. The exercise wont kill you I promise. Save the spots up close for older people and people with children. A two minute walk to and from the store really isn't as bad as it sounds

Rule #2
USE THE RULES OF THE ROAD!!!

Would you drive your car on the left side of the road during rush hour traffic? You wouldn't? THEN MOVE OVER! Stay on your side of the aisle and always look both ways before you try and pass someone!

Rule #3

If you have a child over the age of 1 that starts having a meltdown, whether it be because you have missed nap time, they are hungry, or they just generally don't want to be there, don't ignore it and keep walking through the store like its no big deal. It is a big deal, not only is it rude to the other shoppers in the store, it is ANNOYING. You give the people with well behaved kids a bad reputation. Also don't try and tell me that "you cant help it when they have meltdowns." YES YOU CAN! If you know you will be shopping, make sure you don't go during nap time, make sure they have full bellies, and maybe even a snack for shopping. Keep them entertained and make it fun for them.

If you have WW3 happening in your shopping cart step out to the car for a few minutes to calm your child down. Fix whatever it is that is going on. What do you do with your shopping cart you ask? Go up to a manager and tell them you need to step out for a few minutes, if you have cold items they even have great big coolers they would be more than happy to put your cart in until you get back. Trust me they do it, I've done it before!

This is how I always look at it: Would my mother have allowed me to do this in the store? Absolutely not. Would my mother or even my grandmother be completely mortified if they saw this happening? Of course! And as all of you know I do not have a child over the age of 1, but I do have very many rental nieces and nephews whom I've taken out on multiple occasions, plus I worked in a grocery store for two years, so not only have I done what I have described, I have helped others to do so also.

Rule #4

Pay attention to the signs that say "10(or 15) ITEMS OR LESS." You don't have to have exactly the number as designated on the sign, but if you have 5 maybe 10 items over then go to a regular check stand. This rule of course is flexible if you have multiple of the same items(yogurt, koolaid, you get the point). Just because you don't want to wait in line behind the person that has multiple carts full of groceries, does not mean you can make the person with one item wait for you.

Rule #5

If you see a cashier at the front of their check stand waiting for a customer, remember this, they are very much enjoying the few minutes of a break they can get. So don't come up and say stupid comments like "you look bored" or "looks like you could use something to do," comments like that have you coming home with squished bread and broken eggs.

Rule #6

Treat your cashier the same as you would someone serving your food. The power of a cashier is very forgotten these days. If you make one stupid or rude comment, we remember. I know MULTIPLE people that slap a smile on their face and take that out on your items. Do you ever wonder why you came home with a squished loaf of bread, broken eggs, crushed chips, bruised fruit, or a hole in the top of your yogurt? Think about it.

Rule #7

If you have a heavy item(dog food,case of bottled water, case of soda) for the love of god leave it in the cart, and ask the cashier if they can scan it for you. Would you want to pick up and move multiple 20-40 pound bags of dog food every day? Well neither does your cashier. Almost every store these days has the little hand scanners and they would be more than happy to scan it for you.

Rule #8

Put all of your items up on the belt as you want them bagged. A good rule of thumb is to organize everything as to how you put it away when you get home. I organize by boxed, canned, produce, meat, frozen, refrigerated, and then cleaning supplies. If you don't want your bread in with your canned goods, make sure you don't just throw everything up there at once.

Rule #9

If your store has a "rewards" system in place by all means take advantage of it. Do NOT stick your little advantage card in the cashiers face until they scan it, and do NOT just start rambling off your phone number at a random time. Your cashier has been extensively trained to ask you for your card, and trust me, they will!

Rule #10

If you want your items bagged a certain way, either politely ask the cashier, or go to a self checkout.

Rule #11

If you cant park close to one of the cart corrals, and you have small children that shouldn't be left in the car, I completely understand leaving your cart in front of your car. Just don't leave it in the middle of the parking space, or ram it into the car next to you. I follow a 3 parking spot maximum when it comes to taking the cart back. If the corral is more than 3 cars away, I leave it in front of my car.

So there it is. Eleven rules to help survive the holidays. Remember: If you get a shopping cart jammed into the back of your ankle... You probably deserved it :)

Oh yes, I almost forgot the most important rule of all!

Rule #12

Please Please PLEASE, do not go shopping looking like these people

Tis the season... To want to smack other peoples children

2011-11-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Happy late Halloween everybody!!!

Whether you went trick or treating with your kids or went to the bar and got so hammered you forgot your own name(or passed out on a cooler next to a hot dog cart if you are like some people). I have yet to check the police reports, but you better believe I will be checking the Ada County arrest record from last night because you KNOW there has got to be some good pictures on it.

We had such a fun weekend. We went to Boise and spent some time with our friends, it was wonderful to have adult conversation and not have to add a "y" to the end of every word I used(poopy, nappy, blankey, you get the point). Sadly we had to cut it short because one of her kids spiked a really high temp, and even though the tata sauce is a miracle worker, I couldn't risk my Paxon getting sick for the first time.

So, I got my little dragon all dressed up...

And took him trick or treating for the very first time. Everyone loved his costume, well who couldn't look how cute he is!

I realized tho that Halloween isn't what it used to be, by any means. I saw maybe twenty kids total ALL day. We had even gone to the mall and were in two different neighborhoods all day, and didn't see anybody. I found it very weird. Yea I know kids go to school but still, the low number was shocking.

Now, I am usually one to loooooove the holidays, but sometimes I just cant take the ungodly screaming of some peoples kids(btw I am not talking about the children of my friends I got to hang out with on Halloween, you gals know who you are. <3 you b&a). People are raising some real freakin brats these days. If I would have pulled those kinds of stunts when I was younger, my mother would have given me the look of death. I then would have peed and/or pooped in my pants a little bit, shut my mouth, and started to listen. I knew better to not act like an a-hole in public. What has changed?!

It seems like the holidays bring out the worst in people. I even had to tell a lady to kiss my as* in the store yesterday because I was breastfeeding my son(that's why I love Fred Meyer stores, they have a furniture department that has the most comfy couches and they even have pillows handy, its a nursing mothers dream). Now I don't go all national geographic when I feed in public. I'm usually wearing two shirts, the under shirt stays down to cover the cheese grater/tiger striped stomach, the top goes up to cover the top of my gals, then I always attempt to cover with a blanket. Those of you who have breastfed a 6 month old child in public know how "well" covering with a blanket works, but I do it because I really don't want to have to beat the crap out of someone in front of my son just because they had a problem with it, AND I don't want to get arrested/ticketed(see first post below). But this lady gave me this awful stink eye and then a disgusted look. So then I told her to kiss my as* and we had no further problems. What is with people? If you don't like it, don't look at it, or hey don't do it!

That turned into a rant that wasn't even where I wanted to go. So I will try again.

It seems like the holidays bring out the worst in people. Have you tried navigating a crowded store during the holidays? I swear a few times I have almost kicked an old broad in the back of her knees, because she did not follow the simple grocery store isle rules. Its simple. Do you drive your car on the left side of the road? No? So why are you doing it with your cart?

Don't even get me started at people that cut in line. I have no problems opening my big fat mouth and telling them to go to the back of the freakin line. OOOHHH another one that drives me crazy! Now I have worked in retail for about 7 years, and people seem to think that just because the customer in front of them is done, that they can walk right on up and you will help them immediately. Well sorry bucko that's not the case. I always made it a point to take extra long in finishing up what I was doing so that impatient person had to wait longer. The most irritating part is people do that all of the time when it is time for you to go to lunch or on a break!!! So that's off topic my bad :)

It scares me that it is only November 1st, and people are already losing it. Don't even get me started about stealing parking spots, or not holding the door open for the gal carrying a diaper bag and a huge car seat. I can totally manage myself, but instead of just looking at me and either waiting behind me or rushing in front of me, HOLD THE DAMN DOOR OPEN!

So remember... Deck the halls.. Not the people with no regard for anyone but themselves :)

Touch my child... And I touch you

2011-11-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

OK listen here grandma....

I don't care how many thousands of grandchildren you may have, or how old you are...

But if you come up and touch my child without asking, I will kick your cane out of reach and push you down.

Why is it that people find it OK to touch someones child? Because without approval from Mom, it really is not.

I HATE it when people(even kids) come up and start touching Paxon. It drives me absolutely bonkers. And they don't even touch a clothed part of him like his foot or his leg. They touch his hand(which goes immediately into his mouth) or his face!!! Uhm hello? Did your parents not teach you any class or manners?

I have quite a few friends that had their babies prematurely, and for those babies its EXTREMELY dangerous to have people come up and touch them. So I can only imagine how scary it is for those moms.

When I see foreign hands coming at us, I start trying to track germs. I start wondering if that person just picked their nose or their butt. If they washed their hands after using the bathroom. What they last touched. I know I sound like a complete psycho but I don't care, germs freak me out.

I LOVE the people that ask before they touch! I almost always say yes to them, but ask them to please not touch bare skin. I've even let strangers smell my child, because everybody knows the top of the head on a baby is the best smell in the world. I also have no problems letting somebody know when they have crossed a line or irritated me, and I don't hide it very well so people know.

So please, next time you think about trying to touch a strangers child, no matter how cute they are, remember... Us moms can kick your ass!

Girls aren't supposed to kill bugs... Boys are

2011-10-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

So one of the "perks" of having a man in your life is that you no longer have to kill bugs. Its like an unwritten rule of relationships. Then you have the single mom, who has nobody around to kill the bugs, because it is still too early to train the 6 month old baby how to do so.

Paxon has just woken up from his nap and he is just swinging away minding his own business, when I hear the god awful roar of a hornet. I know that his sperm donor is deathly allergic to bees so I immediately move Paxon out of the room. I then realize I have to kill this huge, stinging, ugly bug all by myself which I am not too excited about. I'm trying to get my plan of action set up, which is not easy because this hornet will not leave part of the ceiling that is maybe 10 feet above me.

So how does a single mom kill possibly deadly bugs you ask?

I get a chair from the dining table to bring me closer to the bug, go to the bathroom and grab my extra super extreme hold aerosol hair spray, and to the kitchen to grab the now empty paper towel roll. I would have LOVED to be a fly on the wall for this one.

I put the chair as close as I can to the hornet, and then I start sweating because I am TERRIFIED. I should have powdered my own hiney earlier when I was doing Paxon's. I stick the nozzle of my hairspray to the paper towel tube and fire away. So at that point the hornet may have been dead, or just really high from the hairspray fumes. I notice that its not moving, probably because it is glued to itself and the log it is sitting on. So I start thinking about how I am going to get this bug down and outside, because I cant reach him. So I grab a broom. I slap the hornet with it, don't see it on the log, so I take the broom outside.

I start smacking the broom on the step because I want to see this hornet, I want to make sure that I really did get him. And after ten minutes of smacking and combing the broom with a stick, still cannot find the bug. AAHHHH!! So I freak out thinking he is in the house. Couldn't find it. ANYWHERE. It is now almost 24 hours later, and I still have no idea what has happened to that hornet.

I don't know why bugs seem to like this house so much. My mom says its because of the logs. Well OK maybe that's true, but is there anyway to trick the bugs to not come in anymore? And apparently its not just bugs. Its rodents too. And by rodents I mean bats.

Now I can handle squishing a spider, slapping a fly(because Idaho is filled with these stupid little insects), taking the hairspray to a hornet, but I CANNOT handle bats. They are almost as scary as cows!

Apparently bats can squeeze their awful hideous little bodies in between the logs in the house and just... hang out... Literally. The thought of it terrifies me. I have found that doing the rap from Fern Gully really helps to overcome the fear.

That and thinking about watching John Candy and Dan Aykroyd with tennis racquet's, rain ponchos, and wicker trash bins on their heads.

I am all for women doing anything that a man can do. But insect killing, its not my thing. Its just waaay to much nature for me.

It's coming out of every end!

2011-10-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows that all a baby does is eat, sleep, and poop. Well we have added another activity to the list, and that is play. Sometimes though Paxon gets poop and play confused, or he does them both at the same time. And of course there is pooping while eating, gotta make room for that wonderful tata sauce(see post below). Multitasking at its finest.

It seems like anytime I put Paxon in his jumperoo before his first nap I set myself up for a poopsplosion. And I mean there is poop EVERYWHERE at that point.

I have seen it go up his back, up his stomach, down to his thighs, and once it went all the way down to his feet!

Now the part that I don't get is this: Sometimes when I go to change these diapers, there is a surprisingly little amount of poop in the actual diaper. And the poop is all the way at the front, and barely any by his actual butt, where I was under the assumption that said poop came from. Do things shift once you put them in the jumperoo? I'm starting to think they do.

Paxon isn't one to tell me when his diaper is dirty and his demeanor does not change at all, so sometimes I go to get him out and holy surprise to me! I should really buy stock in Shout, because I am constantly using that stuff. It is a godsend. I absolutely love it.

What really surprises me, is when I go to change these diapers, get him all clean and slicked up, back into a diaper, and then realize I have poop somewhere on me. Sometimes it is my pants, my shirt, my hand, my arm. One time I even found it on my elbow. Honestly?! How does one get poop on their elbow and nowhere else on their body? How does that happen? I find myself constantly asking Paxon "You got poop where?" He of course finds it hilarious.

Another wonderful trick that little boys have is the ability to pee on anything within a three foot radius, and most of the time that includes mom or himself. Paxon however enjoys peeing on his Grandma the most, because he does it every time she changes him.

That thing is like a loaded missile. You only make the mistake once of getting caught in the crossfire with your mouth open. Luckily we have only come very close once. I got it on my chin, and almost had a heart attack. He of course finds it HILARIOUS.

You never know when that missile is armed, and when it is ready to fire. Its like a loaded gun, you don't want it aimed anywhere near your face or his. It can go off at any time. I see it out of my periphs and by the time I go to cover it he is already covered himself. Pee in the eye cannot feel good.

Some people ask "why don't you cover it when hes naked?" well because I don't want to, plus my child is at that age where everything needs to be touched. That includes the missile itself and whatever has been used to cover it. So why waste the wipe? A little bit of pee never hurt anybody.

Here is a hint I heard from someone, and I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. You get one of those little plastic dixie cups and just put it right there on the wiener, and voila! No more pee streams. Now here is where I think the flaw is in that "solution." Yes you wont have the unexpected stream, but now you are dealing with a puddle. That pee is going to just pool on his stomach or run down his bum and legs. That sounds like even more of a pain.

A few drops of pee from a stream dries a whole lot faster than a pool.

Did you leave any water in the pool?

2011-10-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

So tonight I took Paxon swimming, which we both love. Normally I pay $5.00 for the both of us at the Holiday Inn Express, but tonight there was a new guy, and he thought I was going to pay an extra $5.00 for my infant son, who btw sits on my lap or I'm holding the entire time, so its not like he takes up much room. He tried to tell me "well its $5 per person." I looked at him and mentioned how small this person was and that I've never been charged for him before. After me staring at him like he was absolutely stupid for a minute or so, he finally said OK, and let us go back.

Now this place usually keeps their pool at arctic temperatures. I think the pool itself is even colder than it was outside. Heated pool my butt. Luckily their hot tub is perfect Paxon temp, so that's usually where we hang out. Today must have been "trashy guest day" at the Holiday Inn.

Paxon and I are in there doin our thing, not bugging anybody, in our own little corner just hanging out. Well there is this family in the pool/hot tub too, and they were not the most svelte family, and they had four or five kids, I couldn't keep track of them because they were just everywhere. Their youngest was maybe 5 or 6, and that little brat kept JUMPING INTO THE HOT TUB. Now not only is it maybe three feet deep, but there's quite a few people in there, so he ended up splashing everybody including Paxon. I shook it off because I didn't feel it necessary to slap a strangers child just yet. But then the little sh*t kept doing it, and his parents said nothing! Who raises their children to be so rude these days? Don't people have any class? Finally after me turning my back to this rude child for the third or fourth time, his mother(quite a large woman as well) finally told him to stop, I think me giving her the look of "if you don't put a leash on your child we are going to play see how long it takes for the bubbles to stop".

Now that wasn't the only issue I had with these people. The dad had more hair on his back and chest than he did on his balding head, which by the way had quite a legit comb over, but just in the middle. For some reason, and I really do not want to know why, his wife felt it necessary to run her fingers through his back pubes. It took everything in my power to not vom in my mouth.

So this picture is dedicated to that family, for their rudeness and lack of class. I will award them "Trashy Family of the Week," and will remind you all 'IF THE SWIMSUIT DOESN'T FIT, DON'T WEAR IT!" because nobody wants to see the camel toe, hanger, or wedgie of anybody.

On the plus side tho, we returned home from the pool, and I got to have my favorite part of the day. Taking my nightly shower with Paxon and putting him to bed. He is so cuddly and sweet when he sleeps and some nights I wish I could just cuddle with him all night. But he cant fool me that bad, I know how that kid really likes to sleep. So now I will eat my thin mints, enjoy a few minutes of quiet, and go to bed myself.

Have Milk Will Travel

2011-10-28T15:58:00.000-07:00

Number one super power that women have is the ability to lactate!

Let me tell you that tata sauce is some powerful stuff. Not only does it feed your baby, but it has powers of its own!

It helps keep your baby from getting sick by providing important antibodies.

It helps keep your baby from being obese in the future(America, we need all the help we can get)

Baby have a yucky red eye? Give a lil squirt right in there, and bam! Miracle treatment

Baby have a diaper rash? Give a lil squirt and bam! Fixes that too

Newborn have acne? Rub the tata sauce on his cheeks and bam! I think you get it now

Now here is something that I find ridiculous. Here in the state of Idaho, there is NOT ONE law protecting breastfeeding mothers from the already set in place "public indecency" laws. So what this god forsaken state is telling me is that if someone doesn't like me feeding my son in public, I will be treated the same way as the creeper doing the helicopter with his wiener on the side of the road. How is that OK? Well let me tell you it is not. And that's not just because I know my boobs look way better than that psycho's crotch.

How is it that America has so sexualized boobs? Everyone is all about SAVING THE TATAS and educating people on breast cancer awareness, but has everyone forgotten the importance of the boob? They aren't here for guys to gaze at while we run, they aren't just for using as a shelf(if your like me anyways) , they are to feed our babies! And then hang past our belly buttons, but that's neither here nor there.

I love the fact that I do not have to spend hundreds of dollars on formula. I love the fact that if Paxon is hungry, I can just whip the girls out and give him some lunch. There's no bottles to wash or carry everywhere, granted some days my boobs do feel like an extra ten pounds to carry around. I LOVE the fact that I can wake up looking like my own version of Pamela Anderson or Dolly Parton. Granted I could do without going to bed with boobs like my mothers(love you ma).

So ladies, my point is this, if you have boobs, and they will lactate, allow your baby the pleasure to enjoy the sauce. Because there may not be anything more powerful than the deep connection you can get from having a stare off with your baby while they eat.