Where's My Jetpack?

Let's Talk About the Weather

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 19:36:00 +0000

Mine's better than yours.

Rock Lyrics as Spoken Word

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Another random, throwaway creation made possible by the fun diversion known as Xtranormal. I heard this on the way to work and decided it would sound good as a poem. It doesn't really. Rarely do rock lyrics translate well when spoken aloud, but this little Lego man puts in a nice effort in what Xtranormal calls the "Australian English Male" voice, one of a few accent options. We'll pretend he's standing in the middle of a street in Adelaide.

Final stanza of "Hump de Bump."

See the real video (directed by Chris Rock) associated with these lyrics here.

Note for the audiophiles: On the original song, after the drum break when the trumpets get going, (which is where this stanza occurs) adjust the balance fully to the left speaker and enjoy the very cool fills that get lost in the regular mix. Rick Rubin, you should've listened to me.

The Arrogance of His Heirness

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:04:00 +0000

Michael Jordan's son, Marcus, plays basketball for local school the University of Central Florida. That alone tells you Marcus did not inherit his father's skills, as UCF is a perennial "hopeful" in most sports. Nonetheless, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, and Marcus, demonstrating that he did inherit his dad's ego, decided he would not wear Adidas shoes, even though UCF was in the last year of a contract with Adidas. The young Jordan said he will wear only his father's Nike Air Jordan shoes because "they hold special meaning to my family." The university relented, still giddy to have the drawing power of a Jordan on the team.

Adidas was fine with Jordan's and the school's decision on a regional level, but corporate nixed the deal, canceling the UCF contract, costing the school $3 million. Good on you, Adidas.

"We are disappointed to learn that Adidas has chosen to discontinue its relationship with UCF Athletics," the school said in a statement released by spokesman Joe Hornstein. Yeah, Joel, I'll bet you are.

Now, here's an opportunity for Nike to jump in and take that contract, or here's a chance for Marcus to dip into his huge trust fund and pay the school back.

Super Saturated Street Scenes - Volume II, No. 2

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:58:00 +0000

Renda l'immagine più grande!

Still in Italy on the European leg of our Google Street Views Tour, we find ourselves on Via Valassina, just south of Bellagio, on the shores of Lago di Como, where a cyclist is about to be passed by a Porsche. The Porsche has been following the Google car for miles. I might have to string a bunch of stills of this together and create a Porsche spec spot.

Previously on the Tour.

Vacationing in a Connected Age

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:03:00 +0000

Trust Your Future to a Man in a Feather Suit Who Rips Hearts Out

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 15:27:00 +0000

What is it about the Mayans that has everyone so fascinated? I'll grant that the new movie "2012" looks like some fun Armageddon footage that must be seen on the big screen to be appreciated, but I don't know why we hold up this primitive bunch who practiced human sacrifice to appease the sky gods as some sort of wise society. I guess we always need some sort of doom hanging over us to make us feel alive in some twisted way. That's why everyone loves the hack poet and drug-addled dickbrain Nostradamus. (I got your Nostradamus right here.)

Just 'cause the Mayans didn't plan ahead and ran out of room on their stupid circular calendar doesn't mean they knew shit about shit. Didn't see the Spaniards coming, now did they? I for one am getting ready for 2013 with these t-shirts.

Echo and The Narcissists

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:10:00 +0000

In my iGoogle Twitter window there's a lady in Perth live-blogging a stalker at her home while the police arrive. That's mildly interesting and slightly disturbing. Someone tweeted "Good morning, Tweet Peeps!" which made me click the "Unfollow" button. The usual runners and workout grunts are explaining how good they feel having completed a "great run." (I keep them around because they remind me I should do that too.) Others are linking everyone to what song they're listening to and hoping we'll join them in a global singalong. We are the World. Hands Across America.

I get a notice that someone is following me. I see he is also following another 10,000 and has 400 followers. I will not be one of them. He's a specialist in Customer Relationship Management and tweets nothing but. Someone else is following me. She has 25,324 followers and is following about the same number. I don't understand that and don't want to be a part of it. If you're following that many, you can't possibly be paying much attention to many of them. Just to be sure I'm not missing anything worthwhile, I check on what she might be tweeting. I look in at her feed to see nothing but a bunch of retweets, the Twitter way of saying, "I saw this somewhere and wanted you to know that I thought it was worth sharing with all of you."

I said something about real estate in a tweet and five real estate agents instantly started following me. I said something about hating when marathoners talk incessantly about their training and a bunch of marathon-types and runner's magazines started following me. Someone who tweets nothing but positive New Age tripe cloaked as "Inspiration" is about to get deleted from my "Following" list. I guess he thinks he's the world's "Life Coach." Not mine, buddy. Bye.

I say we all just get mini-camera implants in our eyes, and then we can all have our whole lives broadcast on a unique channel. The most interesting lives will have lots of viewers and people will do crazy-dumb stuff to get more viewers, which will mean they can start wooing sponsors to their lives. A guy's eyes will glance down in the morning to pick up a tube of toothpaste. In order to get compensated for the product placement shot, he will need to linger on the tube for about five seconds. The whores can charge a viewer fee so you can watch them do their thing. The self-professed gurus and knowledge-slingers can wax on and on as they drive their kids to soccer practice. ("Daddy, I got an A on my math test!" "Son, I'm talking to my followers right now.") You can keep your Facebook twisted-face pose on all the time, or that goofy trademark tongue-sticking-out thing you do. Think of the world as your bathroom mirror, admiring you as much as you do. Let's all be Balloon Boy's dad, or the desperate dolts who send staged clips to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Everyone's life on constant display. Everything you see, touch, experience, eat, drink and do, you can show the world. We see what you see. We see what you do. We're in your head, sharing your wisdom, your fears, your life. We're at your meals, your job, on your dates, in your dreams.

Sounds like a creepy, far-off Dystopian nightmare. But we're halfway there.

The 2011 Cars Will Be Here In January

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:59:00 +0000

What the hell. Yes, I am aware that the new model year cars are often available toward the end of the previous calendar year, but this is jumping the gun. Why not just start announcing some 2012 cars while you're at it?

Super Saturated Street Scenes - European Tour

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:57:00 +0000

In association with Google Street Views, Where's My Jetpack? presents the fourth in a series of one-of-a-kind, super-rare-find artistic compositions.

Suitable for framing, (and you'd be a fool not to) a guy fixes a traffic light on Via Francesco Martinengo in Milan, Italy. Remind me someday to tell you what happened in Milan.

This print is titled "Don't Walk" and is available for purchase through select brokers. By appointment only. Prices upon request.

Big Picture

Jack-O-Lantern^TM, Threatening Sky^TM and Major Mike Adams^TM sold separately.

Yeah, I'm kinda obsessed with Google Street Views.

You've Tried The Rest...

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:51:00 +0000

I knew a guy in a Midwest market who owned that region's jingle scene. He made big bucks. Then he'd take his jingle truck on the road and set up shop in a smaller market's radio station for a week and recycle his tunes to a new bunch of businesses who hadn't heard them. I hated his jingles. I hate most jingles. And maybe it's because songs get stuck in my head. I can recall the jingles to commercials from my childhood, and I haven't seen those spots in years. I despise the jingle as a sinister and highly effective tool for making people remember your product.

Remember it better

Robert Lee Sells Mobile Homes

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 13:34:00 +0000

This commercial tries very hard to be raw and real, and in it's trying, succeeds. It's the old "be more honest than you need to be" angle, with a fun and winking Chuck Norris B-movie vibe thrown into the production for fun.

And do you know how many guys in the South are named Robert Lee?

Watch the making of this commercial.

Super Saturated Street Scenes, Volume I, Number 3

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:05:00 +0000

Google Street Views takes us today to the Pacific Beach area of San Diego. Moon, flasher and Major Mike Adams sold separately.

Supersize Me

Super Saturated Street Scenes - Volume I, Number 2

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:34:00 +0000

A new (and if I know me, fleeting) hobby courtesy of Google Street Views. (Here's the first one.) Half the fun is in finding a nice scene with the right light. This one is South Beach, Miami. Major Mike Adams was brought in just for fun.

big

The Google Street View B Team

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 19:35:00 +0000

As in most workplaces, where the choice assignments get snapped up by the ass-kissers and those with seniority, I know there's a crew of Google Street View Roamers out there hoping that someday they get a decent task.

big

Original image from Shorpy.

Sweat Shop

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 14:42:00 +0000

Mucho Massive

Original image from Shorpy.

Super Saturated Street Scenes

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 14:15:00 +0000

My latest endeavor is photographing the American cityscape. This one is titled "No Stopping or Standing." It was taken in Miami's downtown area, near the old arena. It was not easy to win the approval of these two gentlemen in the photograph, their skepticism obvious in their body language. But the defiance they represent, the contemptuous disregard for posted rules, speaks to the American spirit of independence and rebellion. If they had a flag, it would say "Don't Tread on Me."

Colour prints

20" x 16" £600
16" x 12" £430
12" x 10" £280

(You realize this is bullshit, right, and that I stole this from Google Street Views?)

The Boy Who Cried Balloon

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:44:00 +0000

Richard Heene, father of Balloon Boy, is a new type of villain for the Reality Age, duping the world into believing that his son was swirling through the Colorado clouds in a runaway balloon.

So, here's our intrepid Lego reporter from Xtranormal to confront this jackass, a man we'd all be happy to never see again. But something tells me he's here to stay.

Crossposted to Radio Free Babylon.

Two Point Owning Some Dead Designs

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 17:33:00 +0000

The State of Florida's flag design was approved by a popular referendum in 1900. I assume that means white men, since only they could vote then*. And these men were not concerned with the aesthetics of design. They were fighting snakes and Seminoles and wondering when someone would hurry up and invent air-conditioning. And they were likely only given one design to review. In 1900, no less.

"You like it or not?" the Florida government asked the white guys, and they were all, "Sure. Whatever. Got to have a flag, right?"

Supersize me

State flags are generally composed of uninspired variations on the state seal, maybe a Latin word or two, the date of statehood. Blah, boilerplate crap. Or they go with some goofy take on the American flag. (Talkin' to you Texas, Ohio, Hawaii, Mississippi.) I think California scores well, even if the image is kind of, oh, communist all around. My other favorites, only because they didn't do what you'd expect, are the flags of Tennessee, Arizona, Alaska, South Carolina and New Mexico. Honorable mentions go to Colorado, Rhode Island, Arkansas and Indiana for the extra effort. For sheer balls and against-the-grain rebelliousness, Alabama gets good marks for their punk rock flag that isn't even properly shaped. Or maybe that's a Confederate X, in which case, nevermind.

I get the feeling that the cool ones were designed by one person and the crappy ones were designed by a few committees reaching a compromise that satisfied no one. Then they ran it by the Governor's wife and her best friend, who used to work for the high school yearbook and knows a thing or two about "the proper placement of elements so as to draw the viewer into an experience with the piece." She said, "Make that green a little greener. And does the guy in the coonskin cap have his fly open?" Once the Governor's wife's best friend was done adjusting the design, they put it to a referendum of the white menfolk. In 1900.

I think State governments should overhaul their images once in a while. They do it with their license plates all the time. Hey, Maryland! What the fuck is going on in that seizure-inducing, nightmare illusion? Oregon. Really? A cartoon beaver? C'mon, Idaho. You're not even trying.

Isn't it time we 2.0'd some of these ugly old relics?

* Yes, I know Blacks were given the vote post-Civil War, but the quickly adopted Poll Tax in the Southern states sort of prevented a lot of Blacks from voting.

Who Wants to Start a Brewery?

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 17:59:00 +0000

Or at least get an existing brewery to pick up a new brand. New World Beer. (Not to be confused with a home brew strain by the same name.)

Taste? What does taste have to do with anything? You gonna tell me Dos Equis is a great beer? 'Course it ain't. But it's got a great campaign behind it. I think I have a good name for a brew here, in honor of the guy who planted a flag in the Dominican Republic a few centuries ago. We can mess with the label art and all that, of course. And once we've got all the REAL work done, THEN we make a beer that isn't half bad and we tell everyone it's awesome, will make them cool, get them laid and define their lives.

mas grande

It Depends Upon What the Meaning of the Word "Is" Is

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:00:00 +0000

It's always amusing to learn what urgent questions Google users need the answers to.

I'll now answer these questions:

Yes.
Yes. And she's really going to take him home tonight.
No.
She was, but she's not anymore.
It's legal. What you do with it probably isn't.
He has expressed his fondness for men, though this may be a publicity stunt.
Extremely contagious.
Yes.
She was. but she's not anymore.
Often called the "Sixth Jackson," Michael's brother Randy is not the Randy Jackson you're thinking of.

University of Something or Other

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 18:48:00 +0000

SNL has always been, and will likely always be, about half funny, the other half not funny at all. It's a crap shoot on any given Saturday night. One thing SNL remains consistently good at is the fake commercial. Here is a not so subtle jab at the University of Phoenix and other such online schools. Even the logo for "Westfield" looks much like the University of Phoenix's.

Renaissance YouTube

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:07:00 +0000

In this cheap hack-job of a screenshot, I imagine Leonardo getting himself a YouTube account and seeking feedback on his work from the YouTube "community." (Click to read.)

Click for the massive

Taco Bell Brainstorm

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:38:00 +0000

Saw a spot for Taco Bell recently. Everyone in the room agreed that the commercial was very anti-appetizing. Maybe you just need to be stoned and hungry to appreciate Taco Bell spots. Whatever they're doing, they're doing it wrong. All of the Yum! brands seem to just plain suck. Maybe they are just the eternal second-place also-rans. Pizza Hut, KFC, Long John Silver's, Taco Bell. Maybe it's the association with perennial second-place also-ran Pepsi, I don't know. But here's how they come up with their commercials, I'm pretty sure.

D'oh! They left out "slimy cheese in slow motion."

Brett Favre Wears Purple

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:06:00 +0000

Bigger is Better

He's a fickle, arrogant prima donna, but he's just as amazing to watch play at 40 as when he was supposedly in his "prime." It's looking like coming back from retirement (twice) wasn't such a bad idea. During the post-game interview, in which the nasty reporter tried to get a scoop by begging him to badmouth his former team, he played it cool, giving the standard-jock "110% team effort" spiel. The guy is a player, and if you like football, you have to like Favre.

He's Just a Really Good Friend

jetpacks@gmail.com (Jetpacks) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:01:00 +0000

Still being mesmerized by old issues of LIFE over at Google Books. This odd picture used in a 1957 ad was sort of perplexing. The man in the yellow car has apparently backed his vehicle to the water's edge and is dressed in a suit. He's either a child molester cruising the beach, or he's about to give the cabana boy a lesson 'bout messin'.

Since child molestation is not funny at all, I've captioned with the latter possibility. (Click image to read. Duh.)