while you're on your knees...

The Digital Age Part II

2021-04-14T17:37:00.000-07:00

I once said: Some things in life are unexpected. This can be unpleasant. But if you know what is coming, you can prepare emotionally, physically and psychically. That way when it finally happens, it can even be rewarding. Wouldn't you know... The one time I go in to see the doctor, fully ready for, expecting, and anticipating a prostate exam and he doesn't do it.

Now it's time to pull our collective pants up and get into the Future of ART: NFT's

CLICK the link to see the digital creation that I, Saviour, have curated for your non-fungible token love!

SAViOUR-ONASSiS

Buy, Share, and don't forget to smash the little heart to show how much you care!

xo, SO

I'm Still Alive

2013-07-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

On Friday night, I saw Courtney Love perform at a small club outside Los Angeles. It was a "greatest hits/oldies" show for hardcore fans. She was quite sober and in very good voice (for Love). I've seen her perform many, many times and this was frankly one of the best performances she has ever given. Low on drama, playful and fraught with the gothic pain that is Courtney Love's back catalog. I love her... This is being dubbed her "I'm Still Alive" Tour. A new album and her long awaited memoirs will be released late this year.

Here are two videos that I posted of her interaction with the audience and an acoustic performance of "Petals" from the Celebrity Skin album.

Forgotten Dreams

2012-08-30T23:00:00.002-07:00

Why do I feel like I'm scratching on the wall of a cave?

Every episode of "Louie" this season has made me cry.

I desperately want to love and be loved back.

That is all.

Tits Out

2012-06-15T23:11:00.002-07:00

Here is the real deep Kabbalah/Wolf inspired image of Madge in the most cigariffic life to death image that you will encounter this whole f***ing year, finches! That's the truth!!

Damaged Good

2012-01-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

Friday's are the worst. Especially now, in the evening, I can hear the traffic outside- people rushing home to begin their weekend. But I have nowhere to be and no one to be with... It's the sad story of my life, in some ways, I have always been alone and longing for company.

As a child I would ask for and receive board games for Christmas every year. The kinds of games that were impossible to play by yourself, like: Monopoly, Life, and Risk. It's obvious to me now that I thought that if I had something to offer, surely the players would present themselves for the games. But they never did. Somehow my thinking has never really evolved.

I have had friends over the years. Even whole relationships, but the majority of my life seems to be spent in solitude. A recent ex recently told me that I have a double curse: intelligence and creativity. That somehow these "gifts" are also a curse; because I can entertain myself for long periods of time, which is true but truly useless in the comfort department. I suppose that's why I paint so many portraits. I surround myself with imaginary friends. Famous faces stare back at me from every available inch of my walls. I am the object of their attention and affection. I spent years on a stage, now my audience is my cage.

Just finished reading Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. I had been leisurely making my way through the last book, wanting to prolong the experience. But it was inevitable that I would finish today. I cried. Several times... Despite that I am happy to be reading novels again. My imagination is sparked and the characters become my companions. I have far too much empathy for this world. Feel too deeply. Fall too often. Perhaps for these reasons it is better for me to be alone.

I try to be optimistic about the future. I long to say yes should opportunity knock. What I know for sure is that even though I am damaged that doesn't mean that I'm not still good.

Wait, What?

2012-01-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

I arrived home this evening to find two items in my mailbox. The first being the DVD box set of Todd Haynes' Mildred Pierce, which I love and wanted as a reminder that children are simply wretched scabs that will break your heart and fuck your lovers. (I secretly suspect that a similar thing could happen to Madonna if she keeps dating men closer to her daughters age than her own...) I happily added this to my Amazon queue when it became available and was pleased to see that it arrived today.

However, the other item in my box- a National Geographic magazine, I have no memory of ordering. Oh wait, it has a map of the world with it.... Maybe I do remember possibly subscribing to N.G. in order to get my hands on this precious map of the entire fucking world. But was that really my motivation? What kind of person was I hoping to become in 2012? What does the fact that I signed up for a subscription and forgot about it say about me? I love reading N.G. at the orthodontist or other such glamourous waiting rooms I might find myself in. The pictures are fascinating and beautiful. The articles, interesting enough... Usually in a WTF kind of way. But who was I on the day I decided that, yes- it's time to be a National Geographic reader on a regular basis?

I've been shedding layers of toxic self over the recent weeks. Old skins, beliefs, attitudes... I want to let it all melt off like whipped cream on a hotcake. I don't need the calories and the guilt is so passé. I'm beginning to see the world through new eyes. It's a very good feeling.

I met a man at work the other day, who upon hearing my Christian name responded: "You're too young to be a Wayne. All Wayne's are twenty years older than you." I thought about that for the rest of the day. It made me feel good, somehow better about myself. I decided to google my name to find out what I could about it and stumbled across a couple of different articles in reference to the fact that a disproportionate number of criminals have the middle name of Wayne, ala John Wayne Gacy. Something about the fact that middle name Wayne's are more likely to end up behind bars for heinous criminal activity than people with other, non Wayne middle names. I was slightly freaked out, as this was not the information I had been looking for, so I paid little attention and went onto other less threatening web content. (As an experiment, just say your name out loud and insert Wayne as if it were YOUR middle name. Creepy, right? This is my reality, mind you.)

I'm not a criminal. Though I have often thought of myself that way. The fates are vicious and they're cruel. I learned too late I used two wishes like a fool... So what shall I use my final wish on?

I know that having it all could cost me everything, but what have I to lose? Even though I have a map of the world, I'm still not coming to save you. You'll have to forgive me, my dear. I'm molting.

On The Eve of Something New

2011-12-31T14:36:00.000-08:00

I probably spend far too much time alone, which is one of the reasons I have no New Year's Eve plans tonight. No parties. No invitations. Only the ghosts I've chosen to acknowledge... I will spend the evening by myself. Staring into the void, out the window, across the web until my eyes give up and I allow the ghosts of this and every year tuck me in again.

I've given up on therapy. (Like everything else.) I know what I need to do. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Experience seems to chip away at enthusiasm as if they were natural enemies. I do think that it would be nice to feel loved again. To be in love. To have someone to talk to. To cook for. To snuggle with. To have and to hold... All that. Maybe this year.

Phoenix From The Flame

2011-12-03T20:15:00.001-08:00

Somehow I had forgotten the simplest of rules. I would breathe it all in and absorb all I could until I finally collapsed like an ancient empire, unable to sustain my majesty. Yes, it's true, we are all born to die. But the waiting is truly the hardest part. I've had my share of meantime. I could write a book.

Let's try an experiment. Who here can say beyond doubtful shadows that they love themselves just as they are without conditions? Without exceptions? Fuck me, I'm failing; we all seem to say. Desperately seeking... And still the beast goes on. Always hungry and haunting. Crying into the night as the siren on the rocks. Bring me a sense of humor and a water back, goddammit! I ate the seventh seal and clubbed it's baby.

We are taught, early on, what to think but not how to think. I think it's a shame there is so much shame. Pepper spray is the accessory of the season. It's quite striking next to the indifference and self-indulgence that seem to have taken the world by storm. Is it better to stay true to oneself or go with the latest trends? I can't decide really, since the latest fashion seems to have originated in the deepest corners of my soul. Mint in spring? I will keep my eyes and closet open to it.

I promise you this, cowboy: To cherish your sweet memory even as I devour your archetype. And if on these coldest of nights you hear me howling, know that it is for you that I croon.

I will rise.
And I will return.

SO

Remember The Future

2011-10-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just forget, okay?

I forget where I am, what I'm supposed to be doing, and most especially, who the fresh hell I am! In a strangely earned moment of clarity, it all came back to me, flooding my senses with the nostalgia of former selves.... Higher selves, perhaps. One thing is certain: I am having a Dusty moment here and no one here to witness! I have a feeling that it won't be for long.

Seemingly overnight, the gods of attraction have fucked with my bearings enough to produce tangible results. Somehow, I have officially broken through some strange sort of personal threshold and crossed over into the "real world" again. How I loathe unliving like a ghost...

Ghost stories, on the other hand, are just my cup of tea... I absolutely adore American Horror Story, in all it's obscenely over-wrought melodrama. Jessica Lange's character "Constance" has me laughing one minute and freaked the funk out the next. It's a really remarkably entertaining show. I'm starting to LOVE FX.... Louie is a great show as well.

I'm almost ready for the holiday season to begin. At least this year, I am aware that it is upon us. I love that Halloween brings out parts of people that they don't necessarily flaunt the rest of the year. Like characters from the Twilight movies, they will walk around brooding and stating ridiculously obvious things while dressed as the creatures their fragile psyches will allow them to reveal. Don't vampires just suck anymore? Now they are an acceptable choice to date/fuck/marry??? When did this paradigm shift happen? I don't know about you but I'm gonna keep a wooden stake close at hand from now on.

Anyone know where I can pick up some silver bullets? I feel the waxing of the moon and one can never be too prepared. I hope that this year I get all the treats I desire and none of the tricks. I leave those for the kids...

Happy Endings, Crude Beginnings: The Return

2011-10-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about you. Not really... I've just been terribly busy being absolutely unremarkable. But that does get a bit boring, too. Of late, I have been bullishly reborn and charging into the unknown again. I really thought there would be more to report, but it seems as though research is the top of the pack these days. Research on a great many things, some personal and some profane. I can share a few...

1) New York City For obvious reasons... My first trip, my fortieth summer, was life altering. I was asked recently how I managed to AVOID going to New York for so long. My reply? "Fear." I want no more of that...

2) The Night Circus Simply a beautiful story of love, magic and mystery... I don't read a lot of novels anymore, but I should. This was a wonderful reintroduction to the world of new fiction. I cried like a baby by the end of this....

3) Drive A strange and compelling film that reminded me that heroes come in many forms and that our gifts are also our curse. Plus, Ryan Gosling.

* * *
I have been working far too much on things that I don't really care about and I think might actually be very bad for me. I need to stop doing that.

Trying to identify my bliss is harder than I thought it would be. At least, the ugly rational part of me tries to get me to believe that. Will my intuition win out? I certainly hope so.

The hardest part of this journey is the return. Wish me luck. I think I need it.

SO

What becomes a Legend most?

2011-09-16T20:27:00.001-07:00

Legendary fucking behaviour, darling. That's what! But seriously, I believe it's a grand old time to dwell on this particular question. Let the new chapter begin. Let the fiercest of the characters emerge. Emerge. God, I love that word. I so seldom get to use it in a sentence. I am more than ready for a little mileage, Miss Driver. If you will, I will too. Let call it even and pray that this time it's not just a dream. Is that the dawn I see?

Never Cooperate With A Soul-Eater

2011-08-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

It never works out in your favor.

That's basically where I've been for the last eight and a half months.... An incubation period, for sure. Reading over my blog, I figure I have to set the record straight on a few points, for my own mind's clarity. I forget, sometimes, that growth is painful and confusing. But I always seem to come out the other side. For better or for worse, legal or not, I'm married to myself.

I've had a lot going on this year, but nothing that really damaged my root system. Leaves are beginning to sprout again and that's a good thing. I think that my trip to New York (what was that?) helped. It's like that self-help book I own but have never read: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I realized that I am downright terrified of a great many things, but I am also an incredibly adaptable/mutable being. So, fear is really just something to take note of, not to live by.... Fear is a soul-eater, too.

I've been doing some thinking about what it all means.... My life purpose, blah, blah, blah... I think that maybe it's not so tough to figure out. Maybe the answer is right in front of me. I just have to open my eyes to the possibility and the possibility will open it's eyes to me.

Here's looking at you, kid!
SO

Zeitgeist

2011-08-19T21:30:00.001-07:00

Maybe it is the wine.

Or maybe the French subtitles...

I feel like reaching out.

My loneliness attacks in sudden bursts and my tears aren't shy.

The only "like minds" seem so far away.

Angel McQueen, I need you now.

Do something magic, so I can believe...

Man Walks Into a Bar

2011-07-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

Watch this. Made me cry...

Start Spreading The News

2011-06-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

I am finally going to visit the Big Apple!

This July 4th and that week, I will be in NYC for the first time. If you have any suggestions as to what I absolutely must experience while I am there, please let me know.

I am quite excited about this trip. Lifelong dream is finally coming to fruition.... I definitely want to see a Broadway show, Central Park, etc... I will be staying in Midtown.

live alone

2011-04-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

Wherever you are
Whoever is there
You'll know that I'll be here
I'll be here
Wishing I could be there

Let It Bleed

2010-11-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

It's Monday morning and I am back at my Good Old Desk, contemplating the cosmos, muscle aches and lunch orders. I absolutely can't wait for the weekend, when I shall run away from Los Angeles and leave behind all my problems. At least that's the fantasy version of it. I'm feeling full lately, like an old sponge that needs to be rinsed, squeezed and hung out to dry.... Do you ever have the need for a good old-fashioned blood-letting? I have absorbed just about all I can take in.

My meditation practice has been spotty lately. Sometimes sleeping in seems more appealing than sitting up and chanting. I am trying to get back on course. It's been a rough month on the homefront. I might have mentioned that.... I'm fully settled into the idea of the HOLIDAYS being an unavoidable phenomenon, so I am embracing them in an attempt to maybe get a little release from the pressure of being alive. There is something so surreal about this time of year in Los Angeles. The faux fall decorations, all orange and brown, followed by the various forms of white meant to represent snow or cocaine, depending on what part of LA you are in.

Days like this make me want to listen to Hole. I just hate being in a situation where I'm kicking myself and saying: "I should have listened to Courtney Love!" She's like a V-8, that girl....

It DOES Get Better

2010-10-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of thoughts on the subject of gay suicide, but I want to be able to give it the attention it deserves. In the meantime, I AM wearing purple today (and pretty much everyday) in a show of support. If you are the victim of bullying, take it from me... They will get what's coming to them. Karma is a beautiful thing. Just be strong... Listen to your favorite album and imagine all the fabulous things you will accomplish.

Being young is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced, but I got through it. There is a much better world waiting for you just around the corner. Be brave, kids...

Negative Space

2010-10-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Had yet another oral surgery today.... Fun with a capital F! Drove myself home wondering if, indeed, this is real life? But you know, I never wanted to be your weekend lover. Also, I think it's high time we all delete Sally Field from our friends list because... No, we don't really like you, Gidget.

In the absence of loftier goals, I've been communing with negative space. I fill it with positive energy and watch the elementary fireworks until I finally give in to the moment just after it's passed. Think, think, think... What would Zizek do? Or Kant? Or Jeremy Bieber?

Yes, you read that right: Jeremy Bieber, father of Justin. That's a father worth googling, if googling fathers is indeed your bag. It's only occasionally MY bag, depending of course on whether or not it goes with my ensemble for the day. Mother wanted me to come out in a kimono. We had a horrible fight....

A bit of paranoia struck me earlier, regarding bed bugs and the state of my couch. Though it was well into the evening's television programming, I busted out the steamer and gave the entire living furniture the once over. I'm not really sure if steam adversely affects bed bugs, but it did make me feel better. Plus, adding a couple of drop of lavender essential oil into the machine makes it all smell spring time fresh!

I start back to work tomorrow after an all too brief hiatus that was more drama filled than an episode of Desperate Housewives. We've had guests, honey. It hasn't been pretty. I'm wondering why I feel the need to smudge this entire apartment with sage??

Give us this day our daily check, please!

Highly Domestic

2010-10-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

A little late for spring cleaning, but still I am compelled to dust off the evil of neglect and start anew. Housekeeping is such a temporary satisfaction. It seems that no sooner have I cleared the clutter and it has begun all over again. As usual, I wonder what it is I am avoiding by playing housewife to myself. Surely there are some incredibly manly things that I can't bear to begin. And so it is that I find myself blogging this sunny California afternoon.

My teeth feel tight.

I've been eating sugar and far too much sugar lately. Trying, unsuccessfully to satiate this longing.... I was entirely unprepared for the fact that the HOLIDAYS are upon us. It still feel like summer to me. But, I can't argue with the Halloween displays at the local drugstore, or the Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations starting to fill the local stores.... Didn't we just do this? I'm not ready for another year. I want to take this holiday off.... I dread the food. The shopping... The traffic, the traveling... The family and predictability of it all.

On the other hand, I really don't know what else I would rather be doing.

I've eaten all the macaroons I've been given.

It's Like a Dog, It Will Bite You...

2010-10-11T09:50:00.000-07:00

I return to the keyboard, mouse and publish button. It's not that I didn't have fun with my other mistresses, canvases, paints and guitars... Just that I hate the Dilettante card. Hate, hate, hate it.... No, I would much rather be an Artist. True Artist. Favorite Artist. Anything but an amateur.

I cut my own hair last night. Chopped at it viciously with a scissor until I could regain my composure enough to stop. It looks okay. Would probably be a better look if this was 1963. No, you can't see a picture. I will have to turn in my hipster union card, though. I'm totally uncool right now. Maybe that admission makes me cool again. But I have a slight headache, oatmeal to eat and a body to punish at the gym.

I hope that we can be friends again. All my imaginary ones have long since left the building... Come back to the five and dime with me?

God's Greatest Hits

2010-08-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

Super duper deep in a Nilsson moment right now. What an amazing genius talent that man was! Words cannot describe... If you only know "Without You" or "Everybody's Talkin'"- you simply have no idea. Go get some Nilsson music today!!! It will change your life.

I miss blogging like I used to do. No one burned down the temple but me. I hope to return. The tumblr is unfulfilling and twitter gives me ADD. My facebook is like a shitty magazine of People I happen to know. I'm bored by the internets and glistening for the next big thing... I'd rather be dead than wet my bed, too, Harry.

Follow Me

2010-06-10T17:56:00.001-07:00

I tumblr for ya!

Forever Again

2010-05-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Thought I would share this old song. Pretty much sums up where I'm at tonight....

Forever Again

you already let me down
left me alive enough to hate the sound
voices in the other room
birds at night contemplate my doom

take what you will and get out
leave me to disintegrate into the void
i used to be a challenger
now all that's left is a scared little boy

carving out my history
was it the needle that set me free?

when love goes wrong, as it often does
you can still move on
but death, it seems, wants something more
than a little piece of me

I could be lethal
I can be cruel
I can sense a target
Inside of you

It's my new best friend
on the ride with me
Til the bitter end
It's my destiny:

learn how not to be alone
forever
again

Written and performed by Saviour Onassis
®

Patti Smith "You Light Up My Life" on "Kids Are People Too"

2010-05-05T22:27:00.000-07:00