while you're on your knees...

Awake and Die

2010-02-23T23:37:00.000-08:00

Despite indications to the contrary, awesome seems the only word fit to describe my current state of being. Though, if asked how I feel... I may be inclined to respond: lavendar in order to indicate the relative calm, relaxed and somewhat satiated presentness of my situation. All this and the knowledge that what I think and feel are rather ridiculous functions and by-products of my brain and body. Who cares what I think or feel? I am certainly learning not to and that, my friends, is awesome.

Rebirth has its merits. Also, it tends to be less sticky, which is a quality I find myself seeking more and more.

If you had to, could you make God in a lineup?

Name him? Finger him? Identify him? J'accuse!

For me, it would depend on where they placed the mirror.

And

which side

of the glass

I was on.

We Make Contact

2010-01-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

Thankfully, the horror that was last decade is finally over. Two thousand nine will forever be remembered as a year of massive loss. So long, farewell, etc....

If, as promised, we make contact this year... I hope that it will be to our collective advantage.

Terminator: Salivation

2009-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's been three days since I had my lingual braces installed on my upper teeth. Three days of painful, uncomfortable, tongue-lacerating, almost impossibly ridiculous torture. And this, I have done to myself. Nevermind that not one person said to me: "Don't get braces! It's not worth it! Remember Miranda!" They tell me that it gets better. Somehow I am supposed to get used to it. But it's going to take everything I've got to overcome the worst new side effect of adult braces: the lisp.

As if I didn't sound gay enough already, now I've got a horrible Drew Barrymore thing going on. But, if Drew can overcome her lisp and effectively affect an East Hampton accent to portray Little Edie Bouvier Beale, then so can I.... Overcome my lisp, that is. Not that I wouldn't mind being Edie for a spell, but it could become a bit boring. For too long a time, I mean... That seems to be my biggest obstacle right now. Trying to reconcile the past and the future. Trying to be in the moment but not be overwhelmed by it. I am desperate to adapt to my current predicament. How much cuter can straighter teeth possibly make me?

I turn 38 soon and I'm thinking that this must be my version of a midlife crises. My little red corvette moment in the sun. My inner teenager thrusting himself to the foreground. My poor tongue! People having been asking me why I chose to get braces now. Frankly, I don't have a very good answer for that. I have always lamented the fact that, as a teen, my family didn't have insurance and couldn't afford braces. At least, that's the memory I am choosing. How awful if we could have afforded it and my parents just denied me a chance to have a pretty smile! I just hate the way my teeth look, I guess. And if these braces do their job, I won't have to worry about that ever again. I told my orthodontist that I want a proper Osmond smile. In the meantime, call me brace face, metal mouth, train tracks, cheese grater, atomic lips, stump grinder or just Terminator.

Here's drooling on you, kid!

Bearing Good News

2009-05-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

In case you, like me, received insanely shitty news today.... I recommend the new Grizzly Bear CD.

It can make you forget about the fact that you don't have equal rights, subdue the rising paranoia of your pointlessness and calm the soul on cold, summer nights like these.

Put the lime in the coconut, folks. Drink 'em both up!

My Body, The Hand Grenade

2009-05-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Comfortable living aside, I am a mess waiting to blossom.

We have been getting a lot of work done on the condo, but at the rate the earthquakes are coming.... Methinks the end is near. I blame my mother, who always seemed to take the "latter-day" part of sainthood a little too seriously. Apocalyptic nightmares are second nature to me now. Though I really need to stock up on drinkable water, just in case.

Also, after recovering from my first and quite severe sunburn of the season, I have had many minor body issues to freak out about. For instance, I am fairly sure that red wine has become a vital fluid that I may not be able to live long without. I get these really really nasty canker sores every time I have a job.... As the shoot date approaches, my mouth breaks out into a minefield of pain and fades away as the job subsides. Weird stress related shit, right? How about the pain under my right arm or the monster knots residing in my back? I really need a spa weekend. I need a reset button. I cannot believe that I am getting braces even though I am rapidly approaching my forties. It doesn't get uglier than this, Betty.

In pop culture news, I am thrilled that many television shows have released their death grip on me by having season finales. LOST is my favorite and its sort of sad that there is only one more year of it. Adam Lambert was robbed on AI. I felt really bad for him and I still haven't figured out why.... I am currently loving SPORE Origins on my iPhone and hating John and Kate and their stupid reality show/tabloid dumbass lives.... Go the fuck away already!

If the world doesn't end, you can bet I will still be here in beautiful sunny California, complaining like an old woman about something that ails me.... After all, cats and raccoons can get a bit boring.... After too long a time, I mean.

Loving you,

Beauty and the Beasts

2009-05-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have a couple of things I'd like to get off my chest. Try as I may, I can't find the appropriate fake tit segueway into the Miss California debacle.

First of all, I'm listening to her mother talk about the "persecution" of her daughter by the media, the internet and the gays for her BELIEFS! Excuse me, but her answer was horrible. Not just in content, but in the actual delivery of it. She stumbled over her own words, said things like "I think I believe that...." and "in my country..." She made a damn fool of herself and for her STUPIDITY, not her beliefs, she is being lambasted by the media and the gays... Plus, she proved herself to be an ugly person. Ugly doesn't win pageants or friends. Personally, I think her behavior since the pageant has proven that she is above all a sore loser. Clearly, celebrity is her main goal here. It's tacky to claim you lost a crown because you are too religious or conservative or whatever and then have nude pictures of yourself pop up on the internet. I hope she resigns. I hope Donald Trump says "You're Fired!"

Tacky Carrie Prejean just wants her 15 minutes.

Tick tock tick tock tick tock!

The whole gay marriage civil rights thing has everybody all freaked out in dumb ways. I actually heard Marie Osmond comment that civil rights should be equal for everybody. Is it possible that Marie, being the mother of a lesbian, could change other Mormon minds? I doubt it... But I agree that we need to keep religion out of it. Also, we need to stop saying dumb things like "Gay is the new Black!" Black is black and white is white. Then there's that whole gay area in between.... Gay is the new Gay! We need to fight our own fight and not belittle the struggle for civil rights that Carrie Prejean and Marion Barry fought for themselves.

Here is my real question today, kids: Got Milk?

Straight Up

2009-04-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the orthodontist for the first time in my life. I am contemplating getting braces at the age of 37. Of course, I'm all torn up about it because while my insurance will cover a healthy chunk of the bill, I will be out of pocket about 4 grand. This is the second time I have been asked to fork over that amount of money to fix my body. A body, that I remind you, is only mine temporarily.... I have no real way of knowing whether or not having my teeth straightened will improve the quality of my life. Any thoughts on this?

In an unrelated note, I had a sex dream about John McCain the other night. More of a nightmare, really... But who hasn't narrowly escaped being raped by Republicans? And no, it did not take place in a log cabin.

I joined Twitter, which you can add to my list of things to avoid. Or just start following my twits, if you are twittered yourself.

Damn you, ennui!

Bugging out in the batmobile,

Integration

2009-01-19T19:42:00.001-08:00

If I ever see your face again....

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Facebook is like a whole new hell. Not that I am opposed to reconnecting with my past, it's just that sometimes I am emotionally unprepared to do so. Lots of memories have been stirred up in me lately and I just can't find an appropriate outlet. I thought and thought and came upon this: blog about it. Perfectly natural for me, right? Then I looked at the measly number of entries last year. No one is listening, my friends. And it's all my fault, really...

You see, Dale, I have been trying to find a way to integrate all the different factions of my life. It is not an easy process. I've fallen in love with Tara. So, I see the need for my compartmentalization. Last time I really let group A and group B mingle with C, D and the godforsaken F... Well, let's just say that there was blood. Again, here I am trying to make an effort. Who knows, maybe I will be successful this time?

I'm excited about the future.

2008: A Pictorial Review

2009-01-01T12:02:00.000-08:00

Because I can't be bothered to try and remember what happened... It seems like I was just in Chicago celebrating the end of 2007. Time flies.

Here are some of the highlights of my year:

Dodger Stadium for the Madonna concert:

Mexico Vacation

Prop 8 Protest Downtown Los Angeles:

I have no idea what this is:

My impression of a 60's Daddy in a cheap motel:

Scrambling in Joshua Tree National Park:

View at the Grand Canyon, Arizona:

Catalina Island, California:

Niagara Falls!

Happy New Year from Saviour Onassis!

I will even go so far as to make a "blog more" resolution!

Cheers!

EQUALITY FOR ALL!

2008-11-09T09:15:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was one of 10,000 or so protesters who hit the streets of Los Angeles in opposition to PROP 8. It was the first time I have been to a gathering that size that didn't have Madonna as the main attraction. (That's where I was on Thursday!) What with the election on Tuesday, Madge on Thursday, and having my rights stripped away, it's been an eventful week.

First things first: PROP 8 was largely supported by the Mormon Church, which I was raised in and to which my family still belongs. There was a surreal quality to the protest last night because of that. My LGBT brothers and sisters came together to fight for equal rights and fight against the oppression of the Mormon Church. Many signs reflected the crowds outrage, as well as sometimes chanting: "Tax the Church!" Which would be appropriate since, in this country, we are supposed to have a SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE! Go to Mormons Stole Our Rights! to sign a petition. I am incredibly angry and ashamed that Mormons are in large part to blame for this proposition getting passed.

Historically, denial of marriage rights has been a way of oppressing hated groups, whether you are talking about Ireland or interracial relationships. Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships are most certainly NOT the same as marriage, in law or ideology. What a monumental waste of millions of dollars! And the real irony is that NOW the very children that the supporters of Prop 8 were trying to protect from being exposed to Gay Marriage have had a $76 million dollar education on the subject. One of my fellow marchers, last night, held a sign that said: "If your daughter wants to marry a princess, she is already GAY!" I couldn't agree more.

I was so very proud of our country for electing Barack Obama on Tuesday. Naively, I assumed that Prop 8 would be defeated handily in the current political climate. I thought that the time had come. Was I wrong? How could so many Californians vote to put DISCRIMINATION into our State Constitution?? After seeing the protests this week and how strongly and quickly the community has come together to fight for our rights, I believe that the time IS NOW! Gay Marriage WILL BECOME A REALITY IN AMERICA! We will no longer accept Second Class Citizenship! We want what YOU have! We want what the fucking CHICKENS got!

Equality For All

2008-10-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

There is a proposition on the ballot here in California that would strip same sex couples of their newly granted right to marry. This proposition is using fear and lies in its campaign. It's no surprise to me that the Mormon Church has urged members to donate to the "Yes" campaign.

I ask you, if you can, to help me defeat this discrimination:

NO ON 8

We need to raise $3 million by midnight tomorrow, so any donations will help.

Thank you...

NO ON 8

2008-10-26T20:59:00.001-07:00

Lost My Imagination

2008-10-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it happens to the best of us, in this case...the worst. There are moments of lucidity, which invariably give sway to the utter lack of appreciation I have for being in the non-biblical, non-linear sense of the word. I guess what I am saying is that I am desperately trying not to remember who I am, but whom I aspired to be not so long ago. Futility can be resistant, too, you know...

I did this painting yesterday, before I heard the news. I think this qualifies as prophecy:

Okay, it's nostalgia, not prophecy... Still... It makes me think.

Cryptic Triptych

2008-06-11T08:26:00.000-07:00

My first triptych... It's not what everyone would want over their couch, but I like it.
If you can tell me what you are looking at, I'll be your friend in the darkest of places.

Remembering the Future

2008-05-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

Among other things, I seem to have acquired skills/afflictions that defy explanation.

I feel as though I've already lived my life.

Is this the ghost of me or the moment of my conception?

If this is how the world ends,
It's just like I imagined, all along...

All That Jazz

2008-01-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Brett had a week off from work, from Christmas to New Year's. That, plus the weekends, gave us about 10 days of playtime to do with what we pleased. We thought about our options. Lying around on a Mexican beach seemed liked a nice way to spend some time, but it seemed as though that would just be a continuation of our Hawaiian honeymoon. We just got back from Arizona for Thanksgiving with my Mormon family (which I promise I will write more about that soon), so that wasn't really appealing, either. Then Brett suggested a trip to the Midwest, a mythical land to a desert baby like myself. His hometown of Chicago, in the wintertime... I'm simply not a well travelled person, so I was excited by the prospect of seeing the Windy City. As we packed for the trip, I popped a DVD of Chicago in, so that I could brush up on the history of Chitown and work on some Fosse moves at the same time. I pondered the prospect of actually meeting a real live jazz baby!

We flew into Chicago at night, the day after Christmas and were met at O'Hare by Brett's ex-boyfriend MK, who had volunteered to pick us up. I was apprehensive about meeting the ex, but felt rather beholden to Brett's wishes and trusting that he would not place our new relationship into a difficult position. MK was nice enough, driving us through Downtown and then out to Lakeview, where we planned to stay with another old acquaintance of Brett's, PT, who turned out to be quite a character. We all went out for a drink and a smoke, since you could still light up in a Chicago bar back in 2007. But I was exhausted from the flight and feeling awkward as Brett and his friends reminisced about things I couldn't possibly relate to.

PT, a self-described "recovering art dealer", was a gracious host and happily let us take over the spare bedroom of his brownstone apartment. His home was full of interesting art, books and chachkis, indicating an eclectic and fascinating life. I felt very comfortable at PT's place. He took us to a local restaurant for brunch, delicious, and then we walked down the the station, where we waited to board something called the "brown line," which despite my initial disturbing thought, turned out to be the name of the above ground train that ran through his neighborhood. The Brown Line took us through the city towards Downtown around the Loop. I have never ridden a subway or train of any kind before, so I was thrilled to be in a position to view the city from that perspective. I love the "L" train experience and PT was able to describe various times when the "L" provided him the opportunity to meet people, network, and even the occasional romantic interlude. We do not really have a similar social system in Los Angeles.

We arrived Downtown and PT took off through the streets, saying: "Trust me about the traffic thing, Chicago invented jaywalking..." Tentatively, I followed, feeling like Jon Voight in Midnight Cowboy. We visited the Water Tower, discussed the idea that the city was rebuilt "one story up" after the fire, admired the architecture and ended up at the "top of the cock" for a drink. From the 95th floor of the Hancock Building, I could see farther than I had ever seen before. The lights of the city leading up to the edge of the enormous blackness of Lake Michigan was breathtaking. Also, the fact that PT jokingly jarred me as I leaned towards the window to look down, took a few years off my life as well. I don't like heights.

Like true sophisticates, we popped over to the Four Season's for yet another drink and some nosh before PT left us to our own devices as he had business to attend to. Brett and I boarded the "L" and went back to visit some of his old haunts. Probably not the best idea, since we had plans to meet MK later that night, but we drank from the well of Brett's past to the point of no return. We arrived at MK's that evening and I was taken aback by the lifestyle he lived. MK deals in antiques from China and is apparently doing well for himself. Being 10 years my senior and the previous lover of my husband placed me firmly in a paranoid mode. Like I said before, MK was nice enough, but I could sense a feeling of uncomfortableness in him as well. Brett did the wrong thing as MK started a DVD of Phantom of the Opera to show off his flat screen TV and surround sound system. Brett curled up on the floor with MK's dog and fell asleep, leaving me to watch the sordid love triangle Andrew Lloyd Webber designed for just such occasions. The parallels between the lives of Raoul, Christina, and the Phantom and the present situation were not lost on me. In the end, I was all too glad to leave, waiting to hear no more warnings from my predecessor.

Back at PT's, the next day, we awoke to a gentle snow fall. It was absolutely beautiful and such a rare sight for my Arizonan eyes. We had slept in quite late and had to regroup quickly to meet Brett's parents at Union Station before boarding our own train out to Michigan. Brett's mother and father had taken a train in from Naperville to see their son while we was in town. They weren't keen on leaving the station, due to the snow, so we settled on lunch at the food court. His parents were so cute in their concern that we get on the correct train to visit Brett's mothers sister, Aunt G in Michigan. Once boarded, we found ourselves in a car with several young boys who were at the stage where "Why?" seemed to be the only word they knew. The parents were well prepared with portable DVD players and video iPods to occupy their young inquisitive minds. As the boys watched, I experienced my own Polar Express, watching Chicago disappear behind us as we made our way around the lake.

Brett's Aunt picked us up at the train station in Holland and drove us back to her lovely home in Saugatuck. Apparently, this is quite a hot spot for fun in the sun during the summer months, but during the winter it looked all but abandoned. Aunt G filled our bellies and we stayed up talking about life, families and love until finally retiring for the evening. The next day we drove around looking at the various points of interest in the area, including the first gay-friendly beach that Brett had been to, Chris O'Donnell's house and the touristy shops in town. We ended the evening at a sprawling gay bar that seemed to be very busy. We checked out the dance floor (No!), the pool tables (No!) and ended up at the cabaret with the other couples. It was comforting to know that some things are the same no matter where you are.

We awoke early the following day in a rush to get back to the train station. We were bound and determined to follow the itinerary that Brett had created for our trip. We bid Aunt G farewell and headed back to Chicago. I had known that Holly would be in town for business if she could get out of Pennsylvania, so I gave her a call as she was checking out of her hotel. It was blocks away, so we met up with her to have some deep dish Chicago style pizza and catch up. It was slightly surreal to see Holly in such a different environment, since I had almost always seen her in Arizona. Brett and I ate far too much pizza and discussed many interesting things with Holly before parting ways. Holly had promised to meet us at a New Year's Eve party the following night at Brett's friend Steph's house. I was excited that she would be able to attend, as the party marked the end of our whirlwind trip. But we still had people to see and places to go.

This time, we took a city bus over to the home of another longtime friend of Brett's, GB, who had gone to college with Brett. GB lives with his wife and daughter on the eleventh floor of a building that looks out over the lake. While I admired the view, GB commended me for my tenacity towards Brett and the courage it takes to enter the homes of so many strangers in such a short period of time. His Peruvian wife made a delicious meal for us and I played with their daughter as Brett and GB reminisced about the various adventures they shared.

Finally, it was New Year's Eve and we awoke once again to falling snow. The only things left on the itinerary were one last visit with the ex and the party at Steph's. I tend to be a jealous guy and this last visit with MK proved to be too much for me. I didn't flip out, but I was slow to show grace in the circumstance. MK would not be attending the party and had previously poisoned my mind with predictions of debaucherous events (which proved to be entirely unfounded). With PT in tow, we prepared for the party, which I had told Holly started at 6:00pm. Of course, I was attempting the near impossible to get three gay men ready for a social engagement across town with any sense of punctuality. Fashionably late, they call it? I say it's a recipe for anxiety. We walked from the train, several blocks in the snow to Steph's house. When we finally arrived, I was relieved to see Holly and her guest, happily entertained and taken care of. Steph is to Brett what Holly is to me, so it was quite special that we could all be together to ring in the New Year. I came in out of the cold and was riddled with anxiety and nerves. Steph was troubled as well, since her maid hadn't shown up that day and some of the guests arrived earlier than expected. She had prepared a gorgeous feast for everyone and her husband made sure everyone had something lovely to drink. I gladly ate the delicious seafood soup Steph had made and thought it the perfect food for when you come in out of the snow. Steph's family was wonderful and receptive, I very much enjoyed meeting everyone and for once, people seemed interested in hearing about me and my life in California. I was able to count down the New Year with my love and my best friend at my side. It was a great way to end the year and our little Chicagoan vacation.

We boarded the plane at O'Hare and hoped that the storm would not delay our return. I watched through the window, as an industrious looking young black woman, in full winter airport-employee uniform and goggles, blasted the wings of the plane with a large steam gun and then covered them with a thick green slime. Anti-freeze. I was thankful to her and took a moment to think about how important her job is. I watched her work and I thought about the connectedness of everyone. I thought about how we all play a part in each other's lives, sometimes not even aware of the impact we make. In 2007, my world became much, much larger. I moved in with the man of my dreams, travelled to Hawaii and Chicago, and recently realized that maybe the world isn't such a big, scary place after all. Maybe Holly is right and strangers are just friends we haven't met yet. The roads we've never travelled await our footprints and will gladly lead us into the future.

Happy New Year.
SO

Full Circle

2007-12-20T09:08:00.000-08:00

Although it may seem that I have dropped off the face of the blog world, I have, in fact, not. I've simply been incredibly busy for the last six months. What, you may ask, keeps one busy for six months? I cannot find a succinct answer to that, but I will still try to explain where I have been. Looking through my last few posts, I have been cryptic to say the least. Now, I shall try to exonerate myself.

About a year ago, I made a wish for Christmas that I was ready for a "real" relationship, a boyfriend.... I can now, happily, say that the wish has come true. After the initial auditions, it was clear to me that I had to be diligent in my endeavors. Life-partnering can be tricky. But fate brought me a wonderful surprise: Brett.

We met online and exchanged emails for several weeks before meeting. That period was a good indication that he was a thoughtful, funny and intelligent guy. Once we were face to face, it was a done deal. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, because it feels more like a drawn out swoon than a fall, at least to me. So, we end up entranced by each other and by September, we were "honeymooners" in Hawaii. Then, in November, I finished moving in with him. My roommate and comrade in debauchery, JR, found new digs with his own man. I traveled with Brett to visit his new Mormon in-laws, in Arizona. My family greeted him with acceptance and love, granted we stay about five feet apart the whole time. Now we are planning a trip to Chicago, where he is from, so that I can meet his family. Did we move too fast? Our therapist says that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that we have each other.

As I have said before, wishes come true.

JEALOUSY: No Longer Considered a Turn-On

2007-11-20T18:51:00.000-08:00

Fuck John Lennon and Liz Phair for romanticizing the shit out of it for me in the first place. Fuck it. Let's go eat turkey with some Mormons...

Trick or Treat

2007-10-31T19:51:00.000-07:00

This Halloween, I have chosen to stay home with my baby and forego the madness of West Hollywood. Somehow, I suspect that we are not alone in this decision. Or alone in a metaphysical sense either... Still haunted by ghosts from our past, demons of emotion and fresh wounds. Maybe I'll share more about that later.

Right now, my advice would be: Do NOT dress up like a pimp and a prostitute in the infancy of a relationship and add alcohol to the situation. Pretty it is not.

In any event, I hope that you all have a fun, happy and safe Halloween.

Swept Away

2007-08-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Leaving tomorrow for the North Shore of Oahu with my boyfriend.
That's right, I'm going on a well deserved holiday.

Beautiful, isn't it?

The Misfit

2007-08-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

It's true what they say: a good man is hard to find.

Will an act of inclusion ultimately prove to be the final nail? No one wants to end up like Flannery's grandmother. Lip service with an added gratuity... I understand the quest for authentication, verification, rationality. I want to be a better man. I dress for the trip I never wanted to take. I pack up the cat and forget where I am. The seasons blur into daze and "it's just how I am" becomes a mantra.

Is it easier to believe in false prophets and go down with the ship? Easier than what? The journey begins when we lose our itinerary. Consider me lost, color me Warhol and call it a day.

I'm just tired, baby. That's all.
I'm glad I found you. It was no accident.
Be careful with the recoil and I'll mind the punchlines.

Wide awake and open wide.
This is how the world begins.
Storied, languid, beyond reproach-
Thick as thieves we shed our skins.

Sleeping Beauty and The Beast

2007-08-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

Ordinarily, I like to open with a dramatic line. Something along the lines of: "Don't hand me a Temazepam and tell me everything is gonna be all right!" Which, of course, I actually said to someone recently and it makes me wonder.

I wonder a lot, lately, with things being so wonderful and all. Isn't life grand? When I feel like I've thought of an appropriately shocking and beguiling line to describe what I am going through, I'll be back. Until then, I'm afraid all we are left with is a case of Sleeping Beauty and The Beast syndrome. What, I ask, does a kiss awaken?

My Own Beat

2007-07-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

Normally I am not the kind of person who walks around saying: "Hey, Blueberry! Go fuck yourself!" But lately, that's just how I feel.

I'm really irritated that a successful recovery from surgery means that I can't work out temporarily. That, coupled with the fact that I recently quit smoking, means I might actually gain a few pounds over the next couple months and will subsequently take me further from my physical ideal, which is a cross between a coke-addled supermodel and AIDS chic.

Honestly, I look sort of like a Muppet, Grover I think. All skinny with a swollen belly... Sexy I ain't, right now. But, that aside, my fur is coming in nicely. And, FYI, Vicodin does nothing for emotional pain whatsoever, nada! So abandon any ideas you might have about us running away together and spooning, because there aren't enough monkeys in the zoo to make me wanna spend another smidge of energy thinking about what the possible ramifications of the impact of.... Where is that prescription bottle?

*~*
I just want a time machine, you know? Take me back to the 14th of February, 1979, Cologne, Germany... I will sit, all of eight, quiet and attentive. I will make resolutions and ration my reserves. I hang on your every word. Fall into your backlight. I am uncool and God only knows what Valentinus did in the first place.

I feel empty
I feel dark
I remark
I am mesmerized
By my own beat
Like a heartbeat
~WIRE

If You Cut Me...

2007-07-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I have been recovering from surgery, so please forgive me if I am brief.

The operation took place on Wednesday afternoon, or evening, I should say, as it was almost dark as we left the surgical center. Never have surgery in the afternoon. Always opt for an early morning slot, as your surgeon will be fresh and it will be easier to fast in your sleep. I couldn't eat a thing all day and I was nervous and since I quit smoking, that's what I do when I'm nervous. Anyway, the operation went smoothly and I wasn't in any real pain until the next day.

After several days of recuperating and lots of educational television, I feel a little better. My sister has been a great help, as she is a nurse and has had a cesarean section herself. I'm not saying that the procedures are comparable, just similar. I feel more like a deleted scene from an ALIEN movie, where the monster is successfully removed from the abdomen before it hatches. I will have a scar shaped like a smile, just under my navel. Sexy, huh?

Wait til you see the pictures...
Anyway, I'm alive.
SO

Do I Not Bleed?

2007-07-10T21:19:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned before, I have a hole that needs fixing. Not a temporary filling, but a permanent closure that will prevent that which is within me from coming out. I have elected to have surgery, right away. Tomorrow, in fact, tomorrow afternoon.

I suppose it would behoove me to stop being so elusive and just come out with it. There is, unfortunately, nothing very poetic about a hernia. In fact, this hernia is a result of residual trauma from a previous hernia surgery I had nine years ago. See, they punched a hole through my abdominal wall with a camera and then forgot to close up that hole when they were done. Over the years, as I gained and lost many pounds, the hole started to stretch larger until little bits of my guts could ooze out. I would just push them back in and go about my business, but since I recently started strength training at the gym, the problem has gotten worse...

I decided that I needed to have this done right away, because, truthfully, is there ever really a convenient time to have surgery? Besides, I like the symbolism of it. All the energy that has escaped through the hole in my navel will be reclaimed. I will be born anew and emerge even stronger... Like the Six-Million Dollar Man or the Bionic Woman or Madonna. It will be great.

I will keep you posted on my progress.
Be with me,
SO