The season of “sevens” is upon us.  Whether he’s watching hockey, baseball or basketball, game seven is time to lock up the long distance call with your sister, hide the kids and move all sharp objects (especially, if your man is a Maple Leafs fan) away from the television.

Playoff sports have the power to turn otherwise reasonable, introverted men into wild shaking beasts of fury.  The gamezilla effect is even more pronounced when the guy is part of a pool or worse, – has money on the game.  Short of relocating during playoffs, here are our top seven tips for what NOT to say while game seven is on:

7.  “Sorry the last period didn’t record.”

Be very afraid if your guy has left you in charge of taping the game and you or your cable box somehow screw it up.  Actually, be afraid even if you had nothing to do with the recording, but are in the same room with him when he realizes that part of the game is missing.  Let’s face it, DVR technology was made by hamsters because the things never work.  Save yourself the drama and record the show listed immediately after the game in case it goes into overtime.

6.  “Why don’t you watch the game at the bar with the guys?”

The day Lena’s husband called the bar before leaving home to ask if they would be serving “volume” on the big TV, we realized just how serious a sports addict we were dealing with.  A true sports freak does not want to watch the game in a crowded bar without sound, the ability to rewind and god forbid people talking to him during a replay.

5.  “You won’t believe what happened to me today on the way home!”

Short of losing a limb or meeting a guy with free tickets to the game, there is pretty much no story that he wants to hear during game seven.  That said, you can usually get him to agree to anything at times like this, because he thinks you will end the conversation if he says “yes”.

4.  “Can you turn it down? I’m going to sleep.”

For some reason the playoff game is best enjoyed with the volume blasting louder than usual.  Not the greatest for anyone attempting sleep in the vicinity of the screen. Set him up with a pair of noise cancelling earphones and an extra long cord that stretches from the tv to his favorite seat.  That way he can blast it as loud as he wants and you can sleep in peace.  It’s actually really hilarious to watch him yell at the tv in a quiet room.

3.  “Let’s change it when Game of Thrones starts.”

It might be his favorite show, but even a season finale is not going to win out to a playoff game, much less a game seven.  HBOGo for mobile is a great compromise for during commercials, halftime or when one team has an irreversible lead over the other.

2.  “Do you have to yell?”

We don’t know why, but yes he has to yell.  Don’t ruin his fantasy that if he yells loud enough, the players can actually hear him.  He’s not going to be worried about disturbing the neighbors because in his mind, any upstanding citizen is watching the same game and agrees with whatever he is yelling.

1.  “It’s not good to hold your pee that long.”

He’s probably had to go for an hour but now overtime is dragging on and he’s getting even more frantic.  To pause the game for a bathroom break is never acceptable, even when it’s recorded because it interrupts the “flow” of the game, which only has meaning if seen live. Fine as long as there is nothing flowing down his leg in the 14^th inning.

Thank you GQ magazine for injecting a dose of fashion into the land of pajama pants, mirrored sunglasses and knee socks – otherwise known as major league baseball.  This month’s issue features a profile of six MLB stars with a refreshing spin on the old-school baseball jacket.  Perfect for Spring in-between weather, the classic baseball jacket is every man-boy’s killer accessory.  So grab a copy of the mag and compare notes with our in-depth analysis of how to own the baseball jacket like a pro:

Mix Crisp and Casual

Los Angeles Dodger Andre Ethier has the perfect balance of groomed and grunge.  His nylon jacket and coiffed hair are happy to meet his rugged beard, distressed khakis and New Balance for J Crew kicks.  Note, he leaves out the socks for maximum impact.

Go Big Time

The boyish baseball jacket is instantly balanced by a big bold timepiece.  Jake Peavy of the Chicago White Sox sits with his Cartier, reminding us that yes, this man is all grown up and there is a good chance he will be on time.

No Logo is Ok – Really

Check out the full page featuring Buster Posey in a cream Banana Republic baseball jacket.  His plain baseball cap is a subtle accessory keeping his look from turning into a uniform.  Sorry Buster, we are not sold on the capri length track pants (especially not for $325), and from the look on your face, neither are you.

Yes, We See Your Shoes

The choice of shoe to be worn with a baseball jacket is key.  Brandon Phillips from the Cincinnati Reds shows the power of the leather sneaker.  The no slouch leather lace-up by Common Projects says: “I may love baseball, but I mean business.”  Brandon @DatDudeBP proves this by having the second-most Twitter followers in the MLB.

This is How We Roll

Can’t say we fully support the rolled-up pant leg trend, but if he’s gonna do it, do it like Andre Ethier.  He does the roll on a pair of Perry Ellis pants that look like they almost came that way.  Much better than looking like a guy who just came up from pumping a flooded basement.

Ball Park After Dark

Jake Peavy, Barry Zito, and Andre Ethier each wear ball jacket styles that work for both day and night.   Simple variation of the plain tee underneath can complete the look, easily transitioning from barbeque, to bar, to third base.

Make it Snappy

Chase Headley from the San Diego Padres shows strategic buttoning at work.  Snapping up two or three at the bottom of the jacket provides a fitted structure, with the added hint of an invitation to unsnap them later.  Chase pulls off this two-toned suede combo from Topman just right.

Casual Christ

Some say Jesus Christ was the original hipster.  Barry Zito works it in mysterious ways with his rugged jacket from Golden Bear Sportswear paired with a silver crucifix.  Amen.

Deliver When We Shiver

It’s a cliché, required in every 80′s sports movie, but yes we admit it – when we get cold we love to put on your baseball jacket. Even better if it smells like you.  There we said it. Moving on.

Midnight Cowboy

Jake Peavy’s bold black baseball jacket from Armani Exchange makes a statement.  While we can’t get over the pristine state of the dugout in the photo, Jake who normally wears Wrangler, can’t quite get used to skinny jeans.  Jake (a self-professed redneck) might want to give cowboy chic a break because this jacket was made for him – especially with the sleeves pushed up a touch.

Tuning into the NFL Draft reminded us of a cross between the Oscars, a Big and Tall fashion show and the agony of doing a wedding seating chart with your in-laws.  Watching a strapping new class of 300-pounders get misty eyed with their new jersey is definitely the highlight.  (Yes, that is a multi-colored Louis Vuitton belt on Cordarrelle Patterson drafted by the Minnesota Vikings.)

Magically, seconds after a pick is announced, the new player instantly gets a “#1” team sweater with their name on it.  For this, we should thank the hardest working silk screener in NYC, who was backstage churning out rapid fire iron-on appliqués that would put Martha Stewart to shame.

With each of the 32 teams going through seven rounds of time-limited selection, we got inspired to do some picks of our own.   Here’s how we would stack our beauty bag for football season if we had only seven picks and a few minutes to decide. How does our draft jive with your list?

First Round Pick:  Lip Finish

In the debate over lip gloss vs. lipstick, gloss wins out as a more versatile player when its not overly sticky.    Having the ability to ramp up a casual play or glam up a nighttime look with a hint of color, MAC Cremesheen Glass is our first pick.

Second Round Pick:  Concealer

Pro Longwear Concealer also by MAC provides excellent coverage.  Select the shade that compliments your skin’s undertones, and marvel at the results.  The pump format keeps contents free of bacteria while staying moist. If your dark circles are starting to look like some form of eye black, give this a try.

Third Round Pick:  B.B Cream

A BB cream is a must-have to give depth to any lineup. Packing in a hint of tint, SPF27 PA++ (a superior UVA ranking) and just enough illumination is Boscia’s B.B Cream Broad Spectrum.  Call this multi-talented pick beauty balm, blemish balm, whatever you like. We love that it can be worn all alone for a natural “I’m not even trying” flawless look, which is also paraben free.

Fourth Round Pick:  Body Moisturizer

This thick, cloudy potion looks more like a juice cleanse than something to slather all over yourself, but trust us.  Soul Skin by Olive Tree holds an unmistakably woodsy scent and is packed with nourishing essential oils.  With a light bronzing effect, your skin will reward you with a healthy glow. This sleeper pick is also recommended by leading Naturopaths.

Fifth Round Pick:  Exfoliator

Soap & Glory’s Fab Pore Facial Peel is a pick for those of us who don’t have time to lounge in a mud mask while cucumbers cool our tired lids.  Massage into a wet face for a five minute quick refresher or fifteen minutes for a deep cleaning facial.

Sixth Round Pick:  Shine Control

For back-to-back busy days when you can’t afford a makeup time out, Clean & Clear Oil Absorbing Sheets are our Hail Mary.  Taking away unwanted shine, without ruining your blush, these silky squares fit into purse or evening bag.  Remember to dab – not rub these powder-free translucent papers for maximum effect.

Seventh Round Pick:  Tweezers

We are believers in daily DYI with pro-plucking tools.  Revlon’s Expert Square Tip Tweezers can easily tackle hard to reach spots.  Keep your equipment in shape throughout the season by storing tweezers in a protective case (i.e. a plastic nail file sleeve) to prevent damage from falls or a hard hit to the head.

There are murmurs in the golf world that Tiger Woods may have passed his peak.  No doubt Tiger’s personal dramas have weighed him down on the green, stalling him at 14 major wins.  It almost seems as though the man in red and black just doesn’t look happy out there anymore.

Woods also decided to screw the rules at the Master’s and drop his ball well beyond the spot where it actually landed.  Really Tiger, did you think no one was going to notice?

And p.s it was a spectator – not the actual officials – who spotted Tiger’s illegal move and sent in a photo resulting in a penalty for Woods. We can only dream of a day men stop yelling at the TV and email a photo to the NHL when the refs miss a call. Until then, because we care, here are seven new career paths for Tiger Woods:

7. NHL Team Dentist

His reputation may have lost its luster, but Tiger’s teeth are still gleaming white.  Ok except for one slightly discolored front tooth.  Woods knows how to maintain a giant smile and keep teeth in place even after taking a shot to the face.  NHL please take note.

6. Ski Patroller

Somehow Tiger snagged g.f Lindsey Vonn, the champion skier who once upon a time made fun of Woods.  To each his own, but we suspect there is something freaky brewing in Tiger’s jungle of fever. In the meantime, Woods would make for a perfect scout on the slopes.  Who knows, maybe he could become good enough to take over another sport dominated by white men.

5.  Host of the Bachelor

Tiger is more than qualified to coordinate dates, phone calls and encounters with multiple women.  And since America’s favorite dating game is now courting golfer Adam Smith to be the next Bachelor, Woods should get on his best pair of Dockers and apply for the hosting gig.

4.  King of Andorra

Let’s not forget that while his game may be slipping, Le Tigre is still très riche.   With a net worth over half a billion bucks, Woods could close up shop on the golf circuit, and become king of a small country.  The teeny nation of Andorra is a nice choice tucked between France and Spain.  However, with only 70,000 citizens, there would probably only be enough women in Andorra to keep Woods busy for a year or two.

3.  Governor of New York State

If King is too much pressure, Tiger could opt for becoming top politico in New York State. With a skilled scheduler, the job allows for lots of time for multi-tasking with prostitutes.

2.  Star of the Manti Téo Mini Series

Aside from giving Manti Téo one-on-one coaching sessions on how to meet actual women who exist, Woods does bear a resemblance to football’s legendary liar.  To impersonate Manti’s wide-eyed “I didn’t mean it” look would be a like a stroll on the green for Tiger.

1.  Doorman

There is really no other acceptable place to be seen wearing a green jacket.  Tiger already has the uniform perfect for greeting guests and a little time carrying around someone else’s baggage might do him some good.

Unless you have severe insomnia or a Jerome Iginla fetish, don’t engage a man in topics in any way relating to recent trades in the NHL.  For that matter, also beware of 12 year old bracketologists who are ready to spew mad NCAA statistics but too cute for you to tell to shut up.

Then there are those people all excited to go and see the first few baseball games of the season.  Never mind the corporate Buellers skipping work to see an afternoon game (with their boss!).  CAMMON! There are still a zillion more games to be played until a home run actually starts to matter.

If you find yourself in a torturous encounter with a sports fanatic, here are our picks for the best topics to steer the convo beyond the game:

4.  Broken Baby Face

Not gonna say we told you so, (OK we told you so a couple of weeks ago here) but facial protection for NHL players needs to improve.  Sidney Crosby (who according to our men has been known to wear his visor tilted upwards) took a devastating hit to the face that will set him back weeks if not longer.  Enough already. Get better helmet shields and get well Sid.

3.  Goldiggah

Can’t call him Lay-Z, but we are baffled about news that Shawn Carter (remember his real name?) is now a sports agent.  Through a partnership with CAA, Jay-Z’s company Roc Nation Sports will work with pro athletes in his new “show me the money!” factory.    We get that he’s well connected and just getting started on world domination with wifey Queen B, but this latest venture seems a bit far fetched for Jay-Z.  Thank you Hulk Hogan for that sex tape, proving it’s never too late to try something new.

2.  Meet the Shockers

As much as we were cheering for the basketball underdogs from Wichita – WTF is up with the name of that team? They were eliminated from the Final Four, but we still can’t understand naming a team “Shocker”.  Supposedly, the name is short for “Wheatshockers” – a term unrelated to the fabled, perverse three-fingered hand position known as “The Shocker”.   See here if you need a visual.  Thank god, Hugh Jackman is a Michigan fan, because a shocker from Wolverine could get ugly.

1.  Bad to the Bone

If you haven’t already given into the urge to Google “Kevin Ware injury” go for it – as long as you’re on an empty stomach (seriously, the pics are scary).  After one of the most gruesome broken legs in sports history, the hobbled Louisville star has become an inspiration.  Gals, be kind to your tibia.  Think twice about jumping in your Manolo’s you could break more than a heel!

UP NEXT: 

Get your final dose of March Madness with a twist as the Wolverines take on the Cardinals for the NCAA Basketball Championship April 8th at 9:25pmET.

Listen LIVE to female friendly commentary at:

www.WhileTheMenWatch.com ~ where girl talk is a sport.

Spring has sprung and so have the budding sports scandals.  As we enjoy the calm before the storm of NHL and NBA playoffs, Tiger Woods, college basketball and Kim Kardashian have drama of their own brewing.  Proving pollen may have serious impacts on brain function, here are three developing stories to watch blossom this season:

Tiger Hits the Slopes

As per the Facebookification of their relationship, Tiger Woods has officially hooked up with US Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn.  The jury is still out as to whether the union is the real deal or a PR stunt to boost Vonn’s Olympic profile or to help us forget all about Tiger’s den of extramarital ladies.  Credit to Vonn for going on record to say she is not freaked out by Tiger’s past.  Even though she made fun of his sex rampage back in the day, she’s moved on.  Let’s hope Woods is hopelessly devoted to her, or at least has learned to delete his voicemails!

March Uniform Madness

Team Adidas launched a new line of NCAA basketball uniforms that are turning heads – uh, actually more like making us nauseous.  Click here for more on the new line that looks like a Lady Gaga-Steven King mash-up. No one wants to see men wearing zebra print, much less on a sports jersey, in a pastel-neon color combo.  This fashion fail goes as far to attach a capped sleeve to the tank – also in zebra print.  Is this a basketball outfit or a bridesmaid dress? And for the love of god don’t rob us of the unobstructed view of the bicep area.

Kardash Legal Mash

Poor Kimmy K is still begging Brooklyn Nets Kris Humphries for that damn divorce.  How can she expect a busy man (okay, he’s benched, but that takes concentration) to run all over town for court appearances? With mounting evidence to support his theory of the “fakey-breaky wedding”, Kris is staying focused on his game and not backing down.  With Nets owner Jay-Z buddy buddy with Kim’s baby daddy Kanye, things have got to be more than a little awkward.  Thankfully, this is the final trimester of the circus that comes to an end on May 6th when the case goes to court.

We dare you to watch New York Ranger Marc Staal take a puck to the eye without cringing or covering up your own face.  In case you are blessed to live in a household without 24/7 replays of this horrific injury, here you go.

The NHL and NFL have been blah blah blahing about player safety forever, but somehow wearing enhanced head/face protection is still just optional.  To that we say CAMMON!  No game is worth your brain, eyes or permanent disfigurement.  Short of a “This is your Brain on Hockey” PSA involving a frying pan of scrambled eggs, we offer these 8 reasons every player should man-up with the most protective gear:

8.  Get Head Don’t Lose it

After a hard hit, it may seem like a good idea to shake off the stars and go back in for another shift – but the glory days won’t last forever.  It would probably be nice to actually remember the night your team won the Cup, beyond your thirtieth birthday.  Being able to button up your own clothes is also a desirable skill for a man to hang on to.

7.  Face it, Men Love Gadgets

Maybe if Apple designed helmet visors that were over-priced and in cool colors, more guys would get on board.  Until then, we are counting on Zuckerberg to launch the “How’s My Head?” app enabling coaches, players and fans to track the number of hits to a player’s head.  Imagine Twitter actually helping stop brain damage instead of causing it.

6.  The Brain = Man’s Best Sex Organ

The helmet really should be thought of as the second jock cup.  Let’s give the brain just as much respect as the balls, and keep all systems functioning as they should be.  Viagra can’t work miracles people.

5.  It’s Hard for a Guy to Pull off Dentures

We are biased on this one, but not every hockey player grows up to be a Mark Messier with a million dollar smile only partially his own.  Most gals can handle a capped tooth here or there, but when there is a jar beside the bed that includes your back molars, we are not so turned on.

4.  Not All Scars are Sexy

The playoff beard is not much of a protective barrier when up against the blade of the other guy’s skate.  A scar story involving your neighbor’s dog and five stitches is cute,   plastic surgery to reattach your bottom lip is not.

3.  Visor = Much Hotter than Glass Eye

Guys, if you can’t see – you can’t play.  Get it?  We wish Marc Staal a full recovery and hope he returns with both eyes and nice piece of plexi-glass to protect them.

2.  It’s 2013 for God’s Sake

We’ve heard all the excuses for not wanting to wear visors – too hot, too foggy, no peripheral vision etc.  It’s time to break out the best technology (thank you Mr. Brendan Shanahan for working so hard on this) to put an end to excuses and devastating injuries.

1.  8 Year Olds Worship You

If dentures, dementia and Depends are not enough motivation, think of the little guy getting dressed up to play shinny and unscrewing his face shield to look just like you.

Ben Affleck reportedly shaved his good luck beard, hours after winning the Academy Award for Argo.  Supposedly, Jennifer Garner and fam were not such big fans of his facial fur.  Jen is said to have been packing clippers at the Oscar after-party in order to go home with a clean shaven husband.

As much as we will love to see Ben’s baby face back in action, we must not forget his contribution to the advancement of excellence in facial hair for a generation of men.  With NHL playoffs around the corner, those with the most to learn from the Ben Beard are the barbarian boys of summer hoping to turn stubble into Stanley Cup glory.

Since there is no stopping the playoff beard phenomenon, we offer these 6 tips inspired by Ben Affleck:

6.  Color Matching

So simple, but it’s not always easy to get upstairs and downstairs to match. (You’re on your own to figure out the carpets).  We love the Ben Beard for being the same color as the hair on his head. Whether or not that shade of brown comes out of a bottle is no one else’s business.

5.  Attach the Stache

The Ben Beard has flow because it connects all other islands of facial hair into a continuous furry landscape.  It takes skill to have beard, burns and stache all the same length with no gaps or thin patches in between.

4.  No Sneaking Across the Border

A strong man has the restraint to accept that the Ben Beard stops at the bottom of the chin.  Anything growing down the neck or attempting a union with chest hair is a crime.

3.  Cheeks Please

The beauty of the Ben Beard is that it does not take over the face completely.  Leaving substantial cheek area exposed reminds us that we are still looking at a man and not a woolly mammoth.

2.  Short and Thick

The Ben Beard has solid coverage, but is cropped short enough to avoid any sign of dangling whiskers under the chin or over the lips.  P.S This is probably the only thing on a man’s body that gets extra points for being short and thick.

1.  Natural Manscaping

While the Ben Beard looks well groomed, it’s not over-styled.  Allowing for a hint of texture and following natural growth lines keeps him out of Purple Rain territory.

The Grammy’s won ratings gold by leaking a dress code memo reminding stars to keep their “under boob” curvature covered.  Strangely, someone felt the need to remind celebrities and their entourage of professional stylists and designers how to dress.  Meanwhile, the B-listers going on-camera in spandex without professional fashion advice, are the ones we should be worried about.

Professional sports is notorious for style violations.  Thankfully, the pro leagues have modeled the music industry and drafted their own wardrobe advisory for on-camera talent.  Here is an exclusive recap of the sports dress code memo:

“Date: February 17, 2013, 10:39:56 PM EST
Subject: 2013th Professional Sports Season: Standard And Practice Wardrobe Advisory

League Practices advises that all team members and staff appearing on camera please adhere to policy concerning wardrobe set forth herein:

Underarms

Avoid completely shaven male armpits that may appear pre-pubescent and/or feminine.  Employ invisible antiperspirant or deodorants that do not inhibit arm pit hair with unsightly white clumps.  Adequate sweat protection is recommended for coaches opting for blazer removal midway through regulation time.

Jacket/Tie

Suits worn by coaches should not contain sheen or iridescent fibers of any kind.  A good faith attempt at matching dress shirt and tie should be demonstrated.  Tie patterns circa 1990 or earlier are not permitted.  Coaches experiencing dramatic mid season weight-loss must tailor suits accordingly.

Pants

Coaches should avoid use of pleats, elastic waistbands and high waisted cuts.  Belts are not to be worn in combination with sports attire. Shirts other than dress shirts should not be tucked into pants under any circumstance.

Man Boobs

Players and/or coaches displaying in excess of a B-Cup breast size should employ adequate support.  Use of tight fabrics and colors that accentuate breast curvature is prohibited.

Man Side Boobs

Uniform arm holes should not reveal folds of skin originating in the breast area otherwise known as “side boob”.

Stomach Exposure

The entire stomach region should be completely contained by the uniform during each of the following situations: standing, running, bending over.  Extreme care should be given to accidental stomach exposure resulting in display of “treasure trail” hair extending below the navel region.

Package

A well endowed groin area must not be overtly accentuated, nor appear unsupported, loose or protruding during active play or stationary periods.

(kindly confirm receipt of s&p standards)

This Valentine’s Day, we could skip the invented holiday in place of a gift that keeps on giving – the well put together look of a pro.  Here are 8 athlete-inspired looks that men would be wise to study:

9.  Mr. Ink

He’s got artful body parts, but there is a strategy, continuity and no names of former girlfriends.  He also has nothing marring his neck, hands or face.  Quality, not quantity gives his ink impact.

Example:  Ryan Lochte, Swimming

8.  Mr. Wild Thing

Everything from his emotions to his hair is untamed.  Not quite barbarian territory, but definitely wilder than most in all the right places.

Example:  Andy Murray, Tennis

7.  Mr. Slick but Not Too Slick

Always more dressed up than everyone else, without ever coming off as over dressed. He takes you out for dinner wearing a suit, but balances the look with rugged stubble or free flowing hair.

Example:  Brad Richards, New York Rangers

6.  Mr. Large and In Charge

It takes work, and usually some custom made essentials  for a big and tall man not to look like he shops at the big and tall store.  No fabric bulging or busting at the seams goes without saying.  Understated massiveness is always preferable to Brutus Beefcake.

Example: Kris Humphries, Brooklyn Nets

5.  Mr. Stilo

Stilo means style in Italian – not guido – style. Euro-inspired elements such as the watch, shoes and belt can be both simple and exquisite when done right.

Example:  Fabio Cannavaro, Soccer (former)

4.  Mr. Who’s Your Daddy

He’s old, but still got it. He doesn’t dress like an accountant but knows that his days of graphic tees are over.  He makes crows feet and a few grays look sexy.

Example:  Wayne Gretzky, Hockey Hall of Fame

3.  Mr. Man Boy

He smiles like a kid, owns more hoodies than ties and is just slightly more man than boy.  He may still eat Rice Krispies for breakfast, but after dinner he grows up at exactly the right time.

Example:  Jeremy Lin, Houston Rockets

2.  Mr. Bad Boy

He’s never clean shaven, prone to dramatic outbursts during sporting events and is borderline awkward to bring to family functions.  He’s mastered the “I’m not trying and won’t be anytime soon” look, but still somehow looks groomed.

Example:  Zinedine Zidane, Real Madrid (former)

1.  Mr. Library

His look makes you want to take him into the stacks for an adult study session.  Cable knits, tweed, and argyle can be hot when paired with modern accessories.

Example:  Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers