tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4811943981088019222024-03-14T00:02:11.885+05:30Whispering ShadowUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger298125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-22581412198370041892024-01-26T22:45:00.007+05:302024-01-26T22:47:26.068+05:30How is it going, daddy? (8/n)<p style="text-align: justify;">D turned two this quarter. Another year with her has passed quickly, but the days (and some nights) have felt incredibly long. As a dad, I have been reflecting on our journey. Witnessing her growth and forming a unique connection with her has been joyful. At the same time, I have often felt all my other identities and needs taking a backseat over D. This was a price both P and I were willing to pay when we decided to have a child. Her third year will be a lot more about us intentionally reclaiming some personal space. (TL; DR)</p><p style="text-align: justify;">D has come a long way from being a fully dependent blob of life to being her own person with her unique personality, interests, needs and wants. The most heartening aspect of the last year has been her increased communication repertoire in English - her ability to gather preliminary context, offer thoughtful reactions, empathise and share. Seeing her go, "Oh no, mummy has a boo-boo," or "I will help you, Pappa," or imitating animal sounds has brought so much joy. She even gets her grammar right most of the time. She is also beginning to understand Dutch and Hindi, but we have not made much headway with our mother tongues. Besides her social skills and sense of self, she feels increasingly comfortable in her body, trying things she hasn't done before - jumping, swinging, making faces, playing in the snow, etc. has been immense fun.</p><p style="text-align: justify;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg7saDjpUJ-qcEM6pv48btFUjj57NDtrjyjb2bOMMjqp2ru_NzO4yjIaLu3hzpB9bvjNsQHofePvHDhxw8hx-LRWa_z2Ku4McSmClu-wwPirlIzfRQ2isgfe7ycBxM8J3r8UGmVD_SqlEHUJuU9kP0otlzXkv6hxeT55yeeBlvEi0UhqnOvka3fmtVpfvJK" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="6000" data-original-width="4000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg7saDjpUJ-qcEM6pv48btFUjj57NDtrjyjb2bOMMjqp2ru_NzO4yjIaLu3hzpB9bvjNsQHofePvHDhxw8hx-LRWa_z2Ku4McSmClu-wwPirlIzfRQ2isgfe7ycBxM8J3r8UGmVD_SqlEHUJuU9kP0otlzXkv6hxeT55yeeBlvEi0UhqnOvka3fmtVpfvJK=w213-h320" width="213" /></a></div>D has developed a stronger attachment to us as parents than in her first year. She is constantly scanning our whereabouts when we are out of sight, calling out to us to ensure we have not left her unattended. While P is still her primary go-to person, especially in sickness, I take comfort in being her second favourite. Every day, she expects me to receive her at the door when she returns from her daycare with her mom. Being the better and more efficient cook, she comes to me with requests for what she wants to eat. And then, she joins me in watching animal videos and grooming our cat. She has also learnt to mock me for fun, just like I tease her. ("Pappa, this is mine" and then runs away at lightning speed, expecting me to chase her). <p></p><p style="text-align: justify;">The more she has grown attached to us, the less she is comfortable with strangers. A year ago, she would go to most people who made her feel safe and cared for, but that circle has shrunk considerably. This has also created challenges with the increased demands on P's and my time and attention. Combined with our full-time jobs and the lack of local familial support, it leaves us with little personal space. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Some of the prices we have paid to adapt are reduced sleep (especially P, who still breastfeeds her), lesser creative and physical rest (activities that energise us - like working out, writing, reading, and travelling) and minimal socialising outside work (meeting friends and new people). We intend to change this, so we have already started 2024 planning our vacations, exploring fitness options, and making time every month to meet or connect with friends. Weaning D off and potty-training her are also on our radar. We also resolved to go on dates every month since October '23 and have met our commitment to ourselves. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">While making these plans, P and I know children get independent fast. I was talking to a friend whose 6-year-old doesn't want her to even be a fly on the wall during her playtime with peers. Hence, P and I are savouring this dependence and exclusive time while being mindful of our personal needs. We know this too shall pass, so we better make the most of it.</p><p style="text-align: justify;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhOji8paDNHaqp-hGx7JYrcYMsdhSYMM9qKedbGf9s8asQ4-hB2M-XxTd0uQmAO6BJAy0Wy1BbgtfiUNVRDnlveButJqcWrixOsqeiquBd1zopcsaSW1sxPOmKhZNK5m2mXicAqImAbvOvxv7_taXNY1OgRX1VUNIyFZINBoSj5OxzEK897jct5ULL2sfDZ" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="4496" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhOji8paDNHaqp-hGx7JYrcYMsdhSYMM9qKedbGf9s8asQ4-hB2M-XxTd0uQmAO6BJAy0Wy1BbgtfiUNVRDnlveButJqcWrixOsqeiquBd1zopcsaSW1sxPOmKhZNK5m2mXicAqImAbvOvxv7_taXNY1OgRX1VUNIyFZINBoSj5OxzEK897jct5ULL2sfDZ=w320-h214" width="320" /></a></div><br />Embarking on this journey, we were aware this would be not only the hardest and longest but also the most rewarding project of our married life. I am grateful that P and I continue to communicate consistently and evolve our short-term and medium-term approaches to parenting together. In the process, we discover more about ourselves and one another and find ways to keep our spark alive. Stay tuned to track our progress on reclaiming our lives while becoming better parents.<p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-86266237874766006702023-10-02T14:10:00.002+05:302023-10-02T14:17:12.747+05:30How is it going, daddy? (7/n)<p>A lot has happened since I wrote my last update. We moved into a new house and set it up from scratch. I joined and left my first global job in the Netherlands to find another in my dream organisation. They may sound like two things, but they contain a million tasks and many highs and lows. <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2023/06/how-is-it-going-daddy-6n.html">Revisiting my last update</a>, I have felt more connected and present with D, and I prioritised my well-being again through an important life choice. </p><p><span style="font-size: medium;">Updates on D</span></p><p>D's physical, mental and emotional growth is incredible to witness. Besides <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2023/06/how-is-it-going-daddy-6n.html">what I shared last time</a>, she can:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Climb furniture with ease and balance herself cautiously near the edges</li><li>Hang like a monkey on a beam or our hands </li><li>Make sentences with 2-4 words </li><li>Recognise when she wants to poop and get into her squatting posture (time for potty training is near!)</li><li>Respond to social cues demonstrating mirroring of emotions ["Look baby crying" with a frown on seeing another child crying; bursts out laughing while watching a funny video] </li><li>Communicate her needs and wants more clearly </li><li>Establish and follow routines [like she will guide you through steps of changing her diaper, and brushing her teeth] </li></ul><div>I feel joy in seeing a human evolve and adapt to their environment. I wonder why 'formal education' is even necessary when it often kills curiosity and multiple ways of doing and being. At the same time, I feel grateful for institutions like the 'Partou' (Dutch childcare) that give her the opportunity to interact with others of her age and give parents a break to cater to other aspects of their lives. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have created intentional time to be with D on many days a week if not all. This time has been the source of much joy and connection for me. I hold on to a moment as a resource to get me through the draining workdays. I remember when she smiled at me and rubbed my cheek when she woke up in the morning. I remember her holding my finger and guiding me to her make-believe, self-prepped meal. No day passes without a warm-hearted moment.</div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">Updates on Daddy</span></div><div><br /></div><div>"Why draining workdays?" you may ask. This work was not physically tiring, like my teaching stint, but mentally exhausting. It was mentally exhausting not because it was challenging, but because it was mind-numbing and purposeless on most days. </div><div><br /></div><div>The organisation moved at a "mile-per-second" without paying attention to the depth of our listening, the effectiveness of our actions or the unintended consequences of our words and choices on others. It reduced people to under-paid resources who had delivered maximum throughput in their 40-hour-a-week engagement. Most days were about getting through a set of mindless tasks and deliverables. Most importantly, the organisation lived in denial of legitimate concerns that were shared by multiple team members about the ways of working. </div><div><br /></div><div>What made me uncomfortable was being pushed to adopt my manager's ways with my team. I had no intentions to micromanage; to make decisions without considering people's perspectives; to measure a person's worth just based on their efficiency. I would drag my feet to work and count the hours through the day, the days through the week and weeks through the month until I could no longer accept this as a way of being. I refused to numb myself to the toxicity. Eventually, I left sooner than later and on my own terms. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am proud that I didn't feel the need to 'save' or 'fix' the workplace. I chose to not diminish my light and remained authentic. I am happy that many people felt the impact I had through my presence in conversations and the spaces I created for them. I am reminded of Maya Angelou's quote.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgb0vT7MZd_LVgbtP8QTneL7RtJFvRRoV4mxr9qrikQ3gd_nrT-wg-ApFSGn2yem36LmZF3foJrU08As0q691m7WoJnklDtp2c7IG5EV4IQHjUvE7Yen-Aca7CFGJKf_H6CyHW3-nSerzGZyY1o07GSvxaCB5knDhGAdT4TlW3jOuFbcwBcWKJbILRLoeHs" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="453" data-original-width="720" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgb0vT7MZd_LVgbtP8QTneL7RtJFvRRoV4mxr9qrikQ3gd_nrT-wg-ApFSGn2yem36LmZF3foJrU08As0q691m7WoJnklDtp2c7IG5EV4IQHjUvE7Yen-Aca7CFGJKf_H6CyHW3-nSerzGZyY1o07GSvxaCB5knDhGAdT4TlW3jOuFbcwBcWKJbILRLoeHs" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div>I am grateful for my supportive communities in weaving, regeneration and wellbeing; some of my colleagues, who understood and validated my experiences; and my partner who stood steadfastly by me. I found courage and compassion in this difficult period through their words and presence. </div><div><br /></div><div>I cannot imagine how extending my stay in the workplace would have seeped into how I engaged with D as a parent and with P as her partner. It would have surely triggered traumas that I had worked on and life narratives I had rewritten. </div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-size: large;">Larger Reflections</span></div><div><br /></div><div>I deeply believe we only receive what we have the courage to walk towards in our lives. I found an opening in an organisation I admire the day after I sent my resignation. I received my job offer from them a week before my last day at work. I am entering a month of reflection, restoration and reconnection before I commence work there. </div><div><br /></div><div>Our lives are integrated and wholesome, and the choices we make in one sphere directly influence our experiences in others. What parts of our lives need attention? What is the darkness and pain we are looking away from? We need not meet these questions with fear but with curiosity and kindness. When we stay with the questions, the answers appear to us when we are ready. Until then, we receive guidance from our surrender to our deepest calling and the wisdom of our body, if we learn to trust and listen to them. And sometimes, it is not the path you walk, but who you walk it with that makes all the difference.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjlVTR-dl8MtlRjwoCSnjKcy6G4sr3Xq5W5955YCxTlLSrz5p5EpLsuk6wVbtXjV6ZBuJ7H8Mhdmrxs6Vqeacbv5dJ-55BzWRJAJstyRdEQ-6OCmmMbnZ6dPBNQGO1Yx7UFETk1x4uzZeG61Y7AwHseRwTAbPZkeTGzfWW0_DoUE2mDaKE4bH4fBFQhwtF4" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="815" data-original-width="611" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjlVTR-dl8MtlRjwoCSnjKcy6G4sr3Xq5W5955YCxTlLSrz5p5EpLsuk6wVbtXjV6ZBuJ7H8Mhdmrxs6Vqeacbv5dJ-55BzWRJAJstyRdEQ-6OCmmMbnZ6dPBNQGO1Yx7UFETk1x4uzZeG61Y7AwHseRwTAbPZkeTGzfWW0_DoUE2mDaKE4bH4fBFQhwtF4" width="180" /></a></div></div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-82588641474672001862023-06-14T18:43:00.004+05:302023-06-14T19:50:06.673+05:30How is it going, daddy? (6/n)<p>D turned 1.5 years old yesterday. The highlight of the last quarter has been her tremendous learning curve and the curiosity underlying that! The lowlight has been the quality of my presence with her. Moving continents has meant moving our entire lives into a brand-new setting. It has required tremendous mental and physical energy, leaving little headspace to offer to D beyond the basics of cleaning, feeding, playing and sleeping. This post is an opportunity to pause and notice our journey together!</p><p><b>D the Sponge</b></p><p>D's soaking in stimuli from her environment like a sponge. </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>She surprises us by using new words and making connections daily, even though we are not explicitly teaching her. She watches a song on her tablet or a picture in her book, and then uses the word she learned from the song to identify real-world objects.</li><li>She can identify and express her needs and preferences. For instance, she tells us what she feels like eating - "anna" (rice), "bundoom" (mushrooms), "bibbit" (erstwhile biscuit, now stroopwafels), "dahi" (curd), etc. She makes requests and demands of us, too - "Open na" when she wants us to open the door to the backyard.</li><li>She can tune into her sensations and describe her experience too - cold-hot, tight-loose, dirty-clean - and express it visibly with a facial reaction.</li><li>She is even setting clear boundaries. The word 'no' is used more often than 'yes' - the trend makes me reflect on how I use these two words with her.</li></ul><p></p><p>While it is normal for children at this age to do most of what I described, it is fascinating to see the living but helpless blob from 18 months ago evolve so much! I am grateful for all her interactions with children and adults from our neighbourhood and the rich media she can access in print and online (good books rooted in our context are always welcome gifts). </p><p>On the flip side, with age have also come tantrums. We have done okay so far in responding to them to prevent complete meltdowns. We usually try to understand her wants and offer alternatives until one is acceptable. We never leave her unattended in such moments. After all, she throws a tantrum with us because she treats us as her family.</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_hwzuAKKQpilBkEPwvZWHPBsU55Qs9adGKTkkkYTVn6gaQqEJ1PdxQzdmeROnX4eSDt6vRXekm2zfZSfUTYWFz36VEz7ycGqbsY18A-hy_CGQkuUL7SVP6vS92OnEZvVoUgYIKBU7aWGxiDvNGga-FUMlvH6EFE2_zAH0AN3qPGcMmWCjHeKIEFgzA/s3264/IMG_20230606_123210.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="2448" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH_hwzuAKKQpilBkEPwvZWHPBsU55Qs9adGKTkkkYTVn6gaQqEJ1PdxQzdmeROnX4eSDt6vRXekm2zfZSfUTYWFz36VEz7ycGqbsY18A-hy_CGQkuUL7SVP6vS92OnEZvVoUgYIKBU7aWGxiDvNGga-FUMlvH6EFE2_zAH0AN3qPGcMmWCjHeKIEFgzA/w300-h400/IMG_20230606_123210.jpg" title="Learning together on this journey" width="300" /></a></p><p><b>The Toll of the Transition</b></p><p>The main event of the last quarter was our transition to the Netherlands from India. Moving is one of the <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/the-top-most-stressful-life-events-5547803">most stressful life events</a>, and moving continents with a little one and a cat is even more stressful. It took detailed planning and effective and agile execution to make the shift happen. All of it required tremendous energy. Working around the uncertainty of our visa arrival, the fright of nearly losing my cat, and the treatment for category 3 animal bites in the last week before our departure was both stressful and draining. But we all made it safely to our new home in Utrecht. Hurray!</p><p>I see my mental absence from D's life with much compassion. </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>There is only so much we can do as humans. We have limited reserves. Moving comes with a million decisions to take and things to do, which depletes these reserves heavily. Not having energy for D for this phase was expected and absolutely okay. </li><li>We can also do so little alone. I was lucky to have family, and our house helps, who are like family, support us. D may not have had as much time with me, but her quality of care was unimpacted. I will make up for the attention deficit in the months ahead.</li></ul><p></p><p><b>Course Correcting</b></p><p>I deprioritised myself more than D. It did not help that I let go of my many well-being rituals. Breaking the rhythm of multiple practices for physical and mental health made every event seem more stressful and worse than it actually was. Thankfully, the gratitude practice persisted even on the toughest of days and was helpful in reframing adversities as they happened.</p><p>As I begin work tomorrow, I hope to return to a routine. In addition, I want to re-commit to several rituals. Even if I do each for 2 minutes daily, I will maintain the rhythm.</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Reconnecting with my breath every morning </li><li>A daily workout</li><li>Mindful labour while cooking or cleaning</li><li>An evening bike ride or walk with Pallavi and D amidst nature</li><li>End-of-day gratitude and journaling</li></ul><div>A dear friend had told me - to do the work, we have to do THE work. I had forgotten THE work for a brief window - and paid the price for it. As I nurture my inner world, my presence in everything, including in my time with D will automatically get restored. Onwards and inwards!</div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-46331318995936506312023-04-01T12:33:00.001+05:302023-04-01T12:37:04.428+05:30How is it going, daddy? (5/n)D has grown more in the last three months in her cognitive, social and emotional skills than last year. It has been a privilege to see these growth jumps, whether it is responding to the question ("What is your name?"), following instructions ("Go bring your shoes"), or demonstrating empathy (She said "No, no" with a frown when the baby elephant was being put in its enclosure for the night in The Elephant Whisperers). I marvel at the curiosity, compassion and connection innate to children and how they are not shy to embody it.<br /><br />When D is awake, she is always in motion and keeps us on our toes. Physically, it is draining for all of us. When she is tired, she is cranky and often throws tantrums. Toddlers do that a lot. We have both been able to respond to her with gentleness and centredness. All the inner work has paid off!<br /><br /><b>Being Present</b><br /><br />My mind space has been more scattered than in the earlier quarters with D. We are moving countries in a couple of months, with which come all the paperwork, the logistics, and the search for the right home, job and daycare. I have also had an exciting few months at work with BLR Wellbeing Festival and Taking Up Space.<br /><br />I squeeze in as much personal and professional work as possible in the eight hours we have the nanny, including my workout, shopping, etc. Spillovers are inevitable, and the ever-growing to-do list lingers. My presence with D is adversely affected.<br /><br />After a few months of struggle, I have accepted that I cannot optimise all needs and constraints - whatever will be, will be. I might not get what I want, but I will always find what I need. I have learnt to let go.<br /><br /><b>Raising for Resilience</b><br /><br />Now that D understands language better, I have become increasingly mindful of how I listen or respond to D. This mindfulness has also made me a more acute observer of other children, adults and their interactions with D. I find them unintentionally saying or doing things that I wouldn't say or do around her - things that have adverse effects in the long-run.<br /><br />For example, "Good girls eat their food without troubling mummy". It seems harmless, but the sentence is loaded with conditionality and inference:<div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Your current action is troublesome. </li><li>You are bad. </li><li>You are good if you eat food when others tell you to eat food.</li></ul><br />These comments set in motion a chain of long-term effects on the child. Imagine their inner chatter when they hear these repeatedly. To be recognised as good, I must do what adults tell me. I must be compliant and not question. I must do something even if my body tells me it is wrong. What others say about me makes me a good or bad person. Imagine what this narrative could do to children's self-worth, agency and connection to their bodies! It would make their self-worth rooted in external validation, making them feel inadequate in its absence. It would make them hesitant to make choices. They would stop listening to their body with time.<br /><br />I often wonder how to respond in these moments, but I don't. I let it be unless something has visibly impacted D. I recognise I cannot control all stimuli D receives. She will not grow up in a bubble. She is going to hear her share of inapt statements, and she is going to feel their impact.<br /><br />Despite all these influences, she spends the most time with us. She learns from what we model as parents - her favourite role models (at least until she reaches her teens). Our behaviours and words are all we can control. How we express our emotions and needs, how we listen to each other and our bodies, how we reflect and respond to difficult moments, how we make choices and how we apologise and forgive will all be life lessons for her. She will have her struggles and the suitable capacities to respond to them. When she doesn't, we will always be there to hold space.<br /><br />Humans have the gift of seeing ahead in time, but it is a curse when coupled with illusions of control that our modern-day society creates. Whether it is my future or D's, I have accepted that there is little control. I can only do my best for myself and my daughter. We will only draw the energy we send out to the universe!<p style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0e101a; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><em style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></em></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBQswlJiaTDJ_IIdPuZ87tb15LlOphjsZHPeO7kERZrZSO1jeclY6fK97URQzArvEZHWwhC4zcjWQPvKefyaVt8mJ8Cy6pfzzuX-7cBYIE1BJHc0_xU3M_9cu0IuKtdB_EkWiaHDPhhFiAD8WCaQB1CkLwscKBVqzZxhHd6p5hS1_d1bmUedMwP-M8Tg/s4000/IMG_20230126_181716.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="2256" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBQswlJiaTDJ_IIdPuZ87tb15LlOphjsZHPeO7kERZrZSO1jeclY6fK97URQzArvEZHWwhC4zcjWQPvKefyaVt8mJ8Cy6pfzzuX-7cBYIE1BJHc0_xU3M_9cu0IuKtdB_EkWiaHDPhhFiAD8WCaQB1CkLwscKBVqzZxhHd6p5hS1_d1bmUedMwP-M8Tg/w360-h640/IMG_20230126_181716.jpeg" width="360" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The path is hers to choose.<br />We can only hold her hand when she needs it!</td></tr></tbody></table></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-70540744703798366752022-12-16T12:13:00.002+05:302022-12-16T12:22:01.320+05:30How is it going, daddy? (4/n)<p><br />D turned one this week. While she hits new milestones every now and then, we felt nostalgic and proud as parents to have made it so far, feeling harmony and love in our hearts and exhaustion in our bodies. </p><p>The last three months have seen her taking her first steps, saying her first words with a clear meaning attached to them (ta-ta, hi), communicating nonverbally and eating an increasingly wide palette of food. It has been a joy and wonder to watch her learn and develop new skills and abilities, and react to a wide range of stimuli in her world. </p><p>While D's progress has always been visible to us, we are particularly proud of the progress we have made as parents. We have learned to let go.</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Let go of control:</b> We have resisted the urge to impose a routine on her and let her learn to listen to her body and respect its cues. </li><li><b>Let go of fear:</b> We have become mindful of every time we say 'no' and understand the fears from which the 'no' is truly coming. When it is a real question of safety, we prefer distraction to denial. </li><li><b>Let go of assigning meaning:</b> We have also become mindful of labelling and projecting intention to her actions. There is no motive behind her actions and behavior. She is just acting out of curiosity and learning to form her sense of identity and independence.</li><li><b>Let go of guilt:</b> We have created space to keep activities that nourish us alive - whether it is Netflix, working out, being in nature, etc. - and not feel guilty about stepping away from work or D.</li></ul><div>It is not that we let go perfectly, but we do catch ourselves within the same day on most occasions and course correct. Our daily reflection and feedback ritual helps. </div><div><br /></div><div>We use our daily reflection ritual also to induce positivity. We celebrate the small things and express gratitude for them. We make it a point to thank each other when someone steps up for child care while the other wraps up work. This prevents us from taking each other for granted. We recognise moments with D that give us joy - when she cannot curtail her laughter for something silly - or that give us peace and love - feeling her warm embrace as she sleeps on our shoulder when she is unwell, instead of her bed. It helps us anchor ourselves in positivity instead of fixating on fatigue, frustration and resentment.<br /></div><div>I wake up every morning, reminding myself what a gift it is to be alive in this world and, more so, to be alive with the ones I love. As I have internalised this feeling, I have found it to be the ultimate anchor on the most turbulent days. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjg-o398NIfAqpf2As7o5cMPHyHsobBSLUEPeeSuWv97VyD4Vi-JbykJ59x8078LN9R_uz3WqJi7ZAAuyr1QaCCxFy2n03KxD3HRX6c3R-PAnvjgypjxqMGoDQ0Gzb2Vkq5KSUTqqlvt2Ltnq516SYka4s0G_AD-UusIBppu_sqRzgvGLrzj6IPsrrXPA" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="721" data-original-width="1280" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjg-o398NIfAqpf2As7o5cMPHyHsobBSLUEPeeSuWv97VyD4Vi-JbykJ59x8078LN9R_uz3WqJi7ZAAuyr1QaCCxFy2n03KxD3HRX6c3R-PAnvjgypjxqMGoDQ0Gzb2Vkq5KSUTqqlvt2Ltnq516SYka4s0G_AD-UusIBppu_sqRzgvGLrzj6IPsrrXPA" width="320" /></a></div></div><div><br /></div><div>The first year of parenthood has given me the motivation and practice ground to embody wellbeing. I have learned to become more accepting and more compassionate towards myself and others. I could not have anticipated this steep learning curve when we started this journey, so I feel gratitude for this experience. </div><div><br /></div><div>Lastly, I share this reflection with humility. I recognise how this experience has been made possible because of the support of my partner, my family and my peers and colleagues at work. It is a result of my practices and my enabling conditions, and if you are a parent and reading this article, it is okay to be wherever you are. We do not raise our children, but grow with our children, at our own pace.</div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-86180737706634016622022-09-20T15:36:00.005+05:302022-10-03T12:00:36.200+05:30How is it going daddy? (3/n)<p>The last three months of the parenting journey have been joyful at one end. D has become more emotionally responsive to our cues, so it has been fun to interact with her, laugh with her and play with her. On the other hand, we have been having bouts of back-to-back viral infections which have disrupted our routines and impacted our energy levels. Both P and I have been in limbo over the uncertainty of our upcoming career transitions. While it has nothing to do with parenting, it has affected the quality of our presence with her. (TL; DR)</p><p>If I had to choose one quarter I would want to closely witness in D's life so far, it would have to be the last three months. She is growing rapidly and learning new skills every week now. She has become much more mobile and sure-footed, transitioning from sitting to crawling to standing. She is learning to construct more and more sounds with her mouth. Her ability to handle objects has increased significantly. Seeing her learn from and respond to her world and live in perpetual wellbeing made me write <a href="https://kdawda.medium.com/wellbeing-lessons-from-my-8-month-old-teacher-b74861f972df">this post about her</a>.</p><p>Gone are the days we could leave her engaged with a toy while relaxing next to her. Her growing skills and energy levels have meant much more work for us. We cannot leave her unattended at all. She is too young to understand what is safe and unsafe; therefore, we must be constantly vigilant. Even though we may feel spent, she always has reserves of energy that she wants to expand by wandering around the house. At least one adult is constantly on their toes for her. I feel so grateful for our support system, between her grandmom, her nanny and us, that makes the situation manageable!</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhw9lVKsu-Bf7C6SlmF6hYK-nWCrbzbe7QHYdV-u40UyEzj3_KQjJtw1Zy369A7Kalvhds5N6ZtpjVuzsHmjhkk2MZht9KghidHiS8_tSnBO2wJK28GPrbJsmbWPpov-n_y1iQuCY0LSieiRX8ef8xdmsejUIctuktjBtFY77lOd22hS93xfPb5TZVZUw" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="789" data-original-width="593" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhw9lVKsu-Bf7C6SlmF6hYK-nWCrbzbe7QHYdV-u40UyEzj3_KQjJtw1Zy369A7Kalvhds5N6ZtpjVuzsHmjhkk2MZht9KghidHiS8_tSnBO2wJK28GPrbJsmbWPpov-n_y1iQuCY0LSieiRX8ef8xdmsejUIctuktjBtFY77lOd22hS93xfPb5TZVZUw" width="180" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p>What has been difficult is dealing with illness. I am feeling quite fatigued with the bouts of viral infections and the slow recovery to normalcy from them. Both D and P haven't escaped them either. As a result, my exercise routine has broken, making my allergies more frequent. Currently, P and I work 5-6 hours a day, so thankfully, we have the space for rest and recovery. It would have been challenging if we had been in a fast-paced 9-5 job. </p><p>Lastly, our timelines to move abroad and the country of relocation have both been uncertain. Only when P has a confirmed offer can we begin planning for our move abroad. This has caused a sense of limbo on the work front. I feel non-committal to new initiatives because don't know whether I will be there to see them through. At the same time, I feel the need to grow and try new things at work. I want to plan for my career ahead, but I can't do that until I know where we are going. It has made my mind wander between the present and future, affecting my mindfulness when I am with D.</p><p>I know the ideas of growth, commitment, and learning are man-made constructs. Regardless of whether I do something new, my work is still very meaningful and supportive. Besides, I have the opportunity and time to be a more present and supportive father and participate in various path-breaking communities for learning. </p><p>At the core, I have to learn to let go of wanting to do more, and just be - but that is easier said than done. Even today, while I am unwell and taking time off from work and D, I feel the urge to do something meaningful - so I am writing this blog. </p><p>Human beings evolved having a large amount of idle time between hunting, eating and resting. The 24x7 productivity paradigm is the gift of the last 50 years and that has shaped the mindsets of those born in this era. We have to step away from it to create time for healing ourselves, our relationships and our planet. Cognitively, I understand this well, but I keep returning to my automatic response in my lived reality. Then again, I have to tell myself that it is a journey. </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-83818655067190256422022-06-20T13:05:00.003+05:302022-06-20T16:34:32.712+05:30How is going, daddy? (Part 2/n)<p>"Much better" would be a great short answer to this question. After a turbulent <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2022/03/how-is-it-going-daddy.html">first three months,</a> the next three months have been easier and more enjoyable. One thing that hasn't changed is the need for physical and mental rest amidst parenthood and full-time work. Setting process-related goals for our wellbeing has been more helpful than outcome-based goals. (TL; DR)</p><p>What has made this phase particularly enjoyable is that D has grown to engage and respond to our inputs and her world. She has learned many skills - smiling, laughing, cooing, screaming, using body language, and crying. We have also gotten better at sensing her needs. In my mind, the first three months seemed like just a one-directional service with no rewards, tangible or otherwise. These three months have offered us small joys in return for our sweat and toil. As much as I want to be an unconditional parent, I savour the times I have of happiness, play and laughter as a return gift.</p><p>These months have also been a period of resetting life expectations. I have worked at 80% capacity on most days and learnt to be okay with it. Fortunately, my work supports my constraints and offers many spaces to nurture my wellbeing. I also have part-time help in caregiving so we can be fully present and productive in our work. I recognise it is a privilege not many have, but I have let go of the guilt of using it.</p><p>Work and parenting take up most of my energy. The little that is left is invested in my wellbeing rituals. I have resumed some time for self-care every morning, whether it is our walks or workouts or time in nature. I have restarted my end-of-day gratitude practice with my partner. I invest 2-3 hours weekly in my learning and support communities, which I feel are very important for holistic nourishment. </p><p>I have set up a cycle that allows me to consistently sustain my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual energies to a 75%, if not a100%. While I am doing well, there I days I experience this lingering sense of exhaustion - a tiredness of the body and mind - and I have accepted it as only natural. </p><p>We have resumed social engagements with family and friends but kept it low on our list of priorities. Whenever we meet, we choose a time and place that works for us. We communicate our constraints, and most people have responded with understanding. When we can't meet, we do exchange messages with them. It is the hardest to interact with friends who are also parents, but we understand it is a short-term dip. </p><p>Introducing D to our biological and chosen family has been a delight. She has brought joy to everyone she has met so far! On a side note, a part of me feels jubilant when she wants to return to me after realising she has been with a new person for a while. It is a sign she has chosen and accepted me as her human.</p><p>I have also been more accepting of D. I have responded to difficult situations without feeling guilt or blame. Along with my partner, I have been able to revisit some helpful perspectives constantly. </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>We are both learning and finding our way, just like D. There is no perfect response - we make decisions based on what we know best then. </li><li>Children are more resilient than we think. No minor event or slip-up could have a catastrophic impact on the people they become. </li><li>Reflecting together as partners increases awareness of harmful patterns in our words, actions or feelings.</li></ul><p></p><p>Sharing struggles with other parents and supporting them with their challenges have been worthwhile too. It reminds me I am not alone. I am a part of this community, figuring it out together. While talking to other mothers has been helpful from the perspective of inner and outer struggles, talking to dads has offered many practical solutions and some light-heartedness in this journey. I am glad I have open communication with both to nurture the masculine and the feminine needs in me. </p><p>I see my evolution in this short period and feel grateful for the support and understanding that many have offered on my journey. I know my journey with D will get only more memorable with time. </p><p><i>If you have not read <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2022/03/how-is-it-going-daddy.html">part 1</a> of this series focused on the first three months of parenthood, you may wish to do so here.</i></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-70577320035773748392022-04-16T18:37:00.003+05:302022-04-16T18:37:46.544+05:30Religion and Me<p style="text-align: justify;">I was born in a Hindu household where I participated enthusiastically in many festive celebrations. As a child, I listened to stories of the partition from my grandmother and saw her gratitude for the life she was able to rebuild. My relationship with religion was of enthusiastic engagement with rituals and expectations. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">In my formative years, I moved to the UAE, where Islam is the State's official religion. I heard the <i>azaan </i>five times a day and I did not eat in public during Ramadan. I went to an Indian school where students and teachers came from three dominant religions - Hindus, Muslims and Christians. I began to see religion as an unalterable part of identity. To me, Hindu, Muslim, or Christian were nouns and adjectives. However, I never thought critically about the practices and philosophies of different religions, except for the visible aspects, like clothing and food choices. I didn't know the ways of being, doing and relating that made me belong to a particular religion.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">When I eventually returned to Mumbai for college, my circles unintentionally became homogenised, primarily people from upper-caste, Hindu families. In the period between 2002-and 2008, there were six terrorist attacks in Mumbai carried out by people who were followers of Islam. It made me angry. Luckily for me, I was able to channel that anger to shape my intention - to influence the choices young people were making. Eventually, I became a teacher in a school in an under-served, Muslim-dominated community, and that changed everything for me!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I saw the privilege that I had inherited being an educated, Hindu, upper-class male. I had around me a safety net that, regardless of my ability or effort, would make it almost impossible to see the everyday struggles my students' families faced living hand-to-mouth. I witnessed their resilience despite challenges and their abundance and largeheartedness despite poverty. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaqM15JiUjWfmBuwHff4iLN3WMuljCVxENGZOgjPuADHb1uYhVyBCYD9alCM-x554IgEUrH6b4SbvdyGOJwGoaGNwOuGYLvwHGbBOiII8f6PP6C7V2Dl5dwMvk0pRgnr9xvwj8fIWiqojjn4mLHNoWrx_fsBgWgVShxfRvCXH7YVWu-mXfEyptsFyi9w/s3690/IMG_20181110_102138.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="A letter from my student" border="0" data-original-height="3690" data-original-width="2474" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaqM15JiUjWfmBuwHff4iLN3WMuljCVxENGZOgjPuADHb1uYhVyBCYD9alCM-x554IgEUrH6b4SbvdyGOJwGoaGNwOuGYLvwHGbBOiII8f6PP6C7V2Dl5dwMvk0pRgnr9xvwj8fIWiqojjn4mLHNoWrx_fsBgWgVShxfRvCXH7YVWu-mXfEyptsFyi9w/w269-h400/IMG_20181110_102138.jpg" title="All I received was love and acceptance" width="269" /></a></div>I realised how my understanding of people different from me came from my echo chambers of educated, Hindu, upper-class friends, family and acquaintances. I have been guilty of having conversations where I magnified my own disadvantage at the hands of 'others'. For instance, I repeatedly said how reservations make it impossible for meritorious students like me to find a seat in an institution of my choice! I almost believed people when they recommended, "Don't go into these localities. You will get robbed." My experience in my school community challenged these notions every single day.<p></p><p style="text-align: justify;">Now, I understand religion as a powerful source of privilege in society. Misinterpreted religious practices, when enforced, became tools for propagating patriarchy and disempowering women. At the same time, I did not see religion as a problem - I saw how it gave strength and conviction to so many people, many of who were lost. Moreover, I began to nuance my view of people. All people had good intentions. Some made bad choices, and others good ones. Good and bad choices were evident across different religious groups. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Personally, I entered a stage of indifference. I did not care about being a Hindu anymore, yet I respectfully participated in celebrations with my family. I did not want to step on anyone's toes and cause trouble. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">While I was in a stage of apathy, I saw the tide shift in our secular country. In a carefully orchestrated way, the narrative became that the Hindus are in danger of losing their freedom and privileges. There was an imminent threat to their safety and prosperity at the hands of other religions, especially Islam and Christianity. It reached a stage where some people questioned our constitutional choice of being a secular nation. We all know the situation in our country now, where this narrative fuels radical elements to take violent actions and bully the minorities in society. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">If history has taught us anything, the cycle of hate and violence is unending. <span style="text-align: left;">Dante said, "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis." Being apathetic today makes me feel shameful. I cannot stay silent while we are divided based on religion and the choices of minorities are dictated by the majority. Violent words and actions must be condemned. </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;">The prevailing tension is pushing me to examine my own religious choices. In all honesty, I have not studied the Hindu scriptures at length. At the same time, I do not feel the need to label the system of beliefs and values that guides me as Hinduism. Giving a name to my religion seems to make it feel inflexible and closed to evolution. I want my religion to be a verb. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">I choose the values of courage, curiosity and compassion for all beings and nature, over a religious label. I intend to weave communities that nurture the wellbeing of all. I want to keep my values and intentions open to questioning and evolution, based on the examination of my life experiences. If I can learn to notice and love the goodness in every person, I think it would be a life worth celebrating! </p><h4 style="text-align: justify;">"It’s easy to love a perfect God, unblemished and infallible that He is. What is far more difficult is to love fellow human beings with all their imperfections and defects. Remember, one can only know what one is capable of loving. There is no wisdom without love. Unless we learn to love God’s creation, we can neither truly love nor truly know God.<br />~ Shamz of Tabriz, 40 Rules of Love<br /></h4><p style="text-align: justify;">My choice is not rooted in denouncing a religion, but it is one rooted in being true to who I am. I respect everyone's values and beliefs as I would expect them to respect mine. Peaceful co-existence is what I seek. I may not agree with you, but that does not mean we are not one. We are all made of stardust and bound by our inter-being. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">To close, I will leave you with this beautiful poem, that blurs all notions of separation.</p><iframe allow="autoplay; fullscreen; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/411239105?h=39f6baa3a2&color=ffdb00&badge=0" width="640"></iframe>
<p><a href="https://vimeo.com/411239105">“Singularity (after Stephen Hawking)” by Marie Howe</a> from <a href="https://vimeo.com/brainpicker">Maria Popova</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-76425320974573416562022-03-20T17:28:00.010+05:302022-03-20T17:47:10.388+05:30How is it going, daddy?<p>Many people ask me how you are doing. The simple answer to it is - "I am well" However, the honest answer is "I am well now" The first month was draining, the second month was a period of adjustment, and the third month was when I finally started having fun. Let me share the evolution!</p><p>MONTH ONE</p><p>In the first month, we had a week-long stay in the hospital after a mighty scare during the delivery. In addition to getting adjusted to the baby (we will call her D), we were horrendously sleepless due to the endless, untimely hospital procedures. I was exhausted but kept trudging because my partner (we will call her P) was more tired, and D had to make significant adaptations in the world outside the uterus. Despite our parent's offering to stay overnight in the hospital, the rigmarole was draining given their age. I am grateful they held the fort at home, cared for our cat and brought us nutritious meals, besides substituting for me for a few hours every day.</p><p>Besides physical exhaustion, not having a space to process our emotions was particularly challenging. What made it worse was the unnecessary advice that came our way that we hadn't yet learnt to filter. Instead of someone just sitting and listening to us, we were constantly receiving inputs on what to do, which, believe it or not, included considering having a second child! Everyone talking about how wonderful it is to have a child didn't help. It was not their intention, but it made me feel like there was no space for our anxieties and pain to co-exist alongside all the positive emotions.</p><p>After coming home, D had disrupted all the rituals and routines that energized us. We would wake up for 45-60 minutes every 90-120 minutes at night for the feeding-burping-changing-putting-to-sleep cycle. It was frustrating. One small plus was the sleepless nights allowed us to process the events at the hospital, which was much needed. </p><p>Given <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2022/02/why-i-chose-to-have-child.html">my many doubts about having a child</a>, I felt regretful on the difficult days, sometimes even resenting P and D. On days D was cranky, I would sometimes just leave her crying and walk away, demonstrating visible irritation. My inner chatter was, "What have I done! Our life will never be the same again. I should never have become a father. It is all P's fault!" P was a kind witness to all this and took charge in these moments, despite her significant post-partum fatigue. I don't know what I would have done without her.</p><p>MONTH TWO</p><p>By the time we reached the second month, we had gotten much better at reading D's cues. We had worked out a distribution of D's responsibilities that worked for us. I had just returned to work. Realizing P required more support, I had requested my team more flexibility and chosen to work just part-time, which they happily approved.</p><p>We also decided to restore some routines and rituals, especially our morning ones, and integrated D into them. We found a way to spend some time in the morning sun, drink a glass of warm water, read a book, and on good days, even workout and cook breakfast. </p><p>Just when we thought things were getting better, Covid finally caught up with all of us. We were quarantining those who showed symptoms at home to protect D. It got incredibly tiring because the responsibility of even daily chores fell on our shoulders in the absence of our parents and our house help. And with it came back all my frustrations and unhelpful self-talk. </p><p>As my own quarantine began, I had time to reflect. Besides Covid, I realized I was showing symptoms of another underlying condition - unacceptance. The choice to have this child was a joint decision. I was excited about it. We had discussed <a href="https://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/2021/11/best-advice-i-have-received-for.html">the parents we wanted to become</a>. I had also anticipated this phase was going to be incredibly difficult. Yet, I had forgotten that it was temporary and it would pass.</p><p>Moreover, instead of looking inwards, I blamed my feelings on two people - P, who always had unconditionally loved and supported me, and D, whole, pure and unaffected by malintent. I understood that wishing this situation away would brew only further resentment and regret, and I did not want this to be the foundation of our relationship. Finally, P and I had a deep conversation. I felt a release, and since then, I haven't had a day I haven't responded with grace and love towards D.</p><p>Returning to work was incredibly difficult in the first few attempts. I struggled unless I was thought-partnering with a team member, who would keep me focused and on-task. It took me some time to realize that I would have to set up the day into 2-3 short sprints of 90-120 minutes. I would have to be realistic about how much quality output I would be able to produce in a day. </p><p>MONTH THREE</p><p>Deep work involving design or conceptual writing still seems complicated, but I have been able to work on most other stuff now. I have also been gentle to myself on days things go off track. Deep in my heart, I know this time with D will never come back again, and she is priority number one!</p><p>Returning to work has helped me reconnect with an aspect of my life that is highly energizing. The nature of my work serves as a constant reminder to prioritize my wellbeing. Moreover, being able to return with reasonable success has alleviated my fears that D will be all-consuming. There is a space for other facets of my life - my wellbeing, my communities, friends and family, etc. It comes with some minor adjustments and accommodations, and limited time. </p><p>Having accepted my reality, I have now moved from cognitively recognizing the beauty and wonder in D's evolution to emotionally feeling it in my heart. I feel warm-heartedness, love and joy. </p><p>I write letters to her, sharing my own feelings and thoughts vulnerably. Despite her inability to understand, writing makes me feel I am communicating with a friend. One day, I will give these letters to her when she is ready to understand. Until then, I will revel in our inter-being. While I am her father, I know I am the one who will grow. I feel confident this will be a transformative journey! </p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-30450678452801787262022-02-06T13:25:00.006+05:302022-03-10T18:03:47.686+05:30Why I chose to have a Child<p>Until two years ago, I was staunchly opposed to the idea of having a child. Today, I have a two-month-old daughter. The transition from a no to a yes was well-deliberated. I wanted to capture my thought process here to help others considering parenthood.</p><p>I am not saying what I am sharing is universally true. We have 7 Bn people on this planet, and there are 7 Bn truths. These were my considerations, being who I was. The intention is to just share. I have no desire to debate with you if your viewpoint is contradictory. Hopefully, reading this may help you understand where others like me may be coming from. </p><h3 style="text-align: left;">Why did I not want a child?</h3><p>My reasons for not wanting a child were manifold. I am sharing them in response to common reasons people advocated parenthood.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"You need someone in your life to nurture." </h4><p>I agree that nurturance is a fundamental human need, but I met that need through many sources. I had been a teacher and felt a sense of responsibility for my students long after I stopped teaching them. Currently, I support the wellbeing of hundreds of individuals through my work, some of who have grown to become dear friends. Besides, my pet Kovu is more than a child to me. I did not feel the need to nurture another person because my work and life allowed me to deeply connect and care for many! </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"Being the only son, you need to propagate your bloodline."</h4><p>I feel a deep sense of oneness with everyone and everything Gaia. All living beings and all things are just different constellations of the stardust at the source of our creation. And therefore, belonging is something that we should aspire for with everyone and not just our biological offspring. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"It will add new meaning to your life."</h4><p>If you are a self-aware and reflective person, every significant life experience can add meaning to your life. I have derived a lot of purpose from overcoming struggles, caring for someone or doing deep purposeful work for a cause close to my heart. A child would have added new dimensions too, but I did not see my life's meaning lacking in their absence.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"There is joy in motherhood."</h4><p>I know we live in an unequal world, and I was worried about motherhood's implications on my partner's career and life despite my best support. For all the joy, I have seen all the women in my life compromise much to raise children. I didn't want my partner to wear sacrifice as a badge of honour.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"The struggle of parenting is worth it."</h4><p>I don't deny anyone's personal experience, yet I don't see it this way. The human offspring is the most dependent one of all species on this planet. Children have tremendous mental, emotional, physical, financial reliance on their parents. Independence is a value close to my heart, and it would have undoubtedly been impacted by this responsibility. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>"Give us the gift of grandchildren."</b></h4><p style="text-align: left;">I have deep respect for everything my parents have given me. I also understand a grandchild may give them tremendous happiness. I would do everything I can to care for their needs, but that does not mean I have to fulfil every demand. </p><p style="text-align: left;">Having a child is a personal responsibility as parents. I have seen enough examples in my circle of parents adversely impacting and often damaging a child through their unconscious and unmindful words and actions or just their sheer absence in a child's life. As a parent, you should feel up to it to deal with the trials and tribulations. Our responsibility is as much to the next generation as the previous generation.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>"You will regret being childless in your old age."</b></h4><p style="text-align: left;">If not having a child was a conscious decision, then there is no reason for you to feel a sense of regret because you have thought about what you are foregoing and are willing to pay the price. You can learn to avoid emotions like regret and resentment by practising forgiveness, self-compassion and acceptance in your life. Besides, if you have a change of heart and mind while you still have the mental, physical and emotional reserves, there is always the possibility of adopting and raising a child in need.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">"Who will take care of you when you are older?"</h4><div>I don't see parenting as a transaction. It is a selfless, compassionate journey you commit to without expectations of returns. If you are a good parent, chances are your children may embody some of what you did if and when they become parents. Importantly, I have seen children who grow estranged from their parents or even hurt them. There is no guarantee of the future. Moreover, if you learn to nurture your wellbeing today, you can take care of yourself when you are older. You can build a community of support around you and ask for help from this community when you need it. </div><div><h4><b>"Parenthood is a natural milestone for all species."</b></h4><p>Our population as a species is burgeoning. We reached 1 Bn only in 1804. After that, it took us 123 years to cross the second billion, 33 years to get the 3 Bn billion, 27 years to reach the 5 Bn billion mark, and just 24 years to cross the 7 Bn mark. This is not 'natural' for any species. Besides, our current ways of living put a tremendous strain on our planet's resources and wellbeing. Adding another being will not make things easier from an ecological viewpoint. </p></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><b>Other Considerations</b></h4><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Parenting would add another being to the household that requires financial resources and reduce my risk-taking abilities with my career.</li><li>The current urban, capitalist, consumerist, individualist way of life is something I detest. However, it becomes harder to escape it and adopt an alternate lifestyle in India when considering your partner's career. I did not want to add a child's education to this mix. Living in a city also adds to your expenditure.</li><li>You have to feel mentally, emotionally and physically ready to have a child. Besides, your relationship should be on a stable footing to survive parenting struggles in a united, aligned manner! Luckily, this was not a concern I had on my mind.</li></ul><div><h3>Why did I want a child?</h3></div><div>All the arguments I have shared above were from my own personal perspective. They did not consider the wishes and desires of my partner, who was very keen to experience motherhood just once in her lifetime. She was the primary reason for my change of heart.</div><div><br /></div><div>During the pandemic, I spent a lot of time listening to my partner's perspective. Through these conversations, I had new dimensions added to my own considerations. </div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Unlike me, I knew her need for nurturance was not being met through her work. </li><li>She was willing to take risks with her career for the sake of experiencing this journey, knowing I would be an equal partner with her. </li><li>Having one child in place of the two of us would reduce our environmental impact in the long run.</li></ul><div>In addition, conversations with my partner opened up many new dimensions as well:</div></div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h4><h4 style="text-align: left;">Trusting who we are</h4><div>As individuals, we are highly reflective, self-aware and conscious of our influence on others and our planet. We can raise a child who interacts and engages with the world differently. Our child could embody some of our values, becoming a more conscious, responsible citizen who plays a role in saving our species and our planet, or at the bare minimum, not harming it any further. </div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h4><h4 style="text-align: left;">Knowing our love and compassion is abundant</h4><div>Focusing our love and compassion on a child need not take away from our love and compassion for other things, people or causes dear to us. In fact, a child may give us an everyday opportunity to practice giving them more unconditionally. As a result, we may grow as people and deepen our relationships. </div><h4 style="text-align: left;"><br /></h4><h4 style="text-align: left;">Our past bold choices have been more rewarding than draining</h4><div>In recent years, we have made some bold choices with our careers. Despite a drop in our income, we never felt we lacked something materially. In fact, it clarified our life aspirations further of choosing wellbeing and authenticity over wealth. We had gained in many different aspects of our lives, making those choices. </div><div><br /></div><div>The pandemic further clarified how privileged we were compared to the underserved communities of our society. There was nothing to fear. Many of my fears were possibilities and not guaranteed. If they came true, we had the functional skills, inner resources and relationships to mitigate them.</div><div><h3><br /></h3><h3>Conclusion</h3></div><div>When compared in quantity, the cons of having a child seem far more than the pros. But in the end, I wanted to be supportive of my partner's desire of experiencing motherhood. My reasons for not having a child came from a place of fear, but her reasons were rooted in love. As we spoke, I realized experiencing parenthood would enable us to further discover one another, practise unconditional love and acceptance and grow more resilient. We would have at least a decade to commit to this co-creation and co-evolution, which seemed like an exciting adventure.</div><div><br /></div><div>PS: In my next post, I will share a bit about my early experience as a parent.</div><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-78952374014526101382021-11-30T15:18:00.003+05:302021-11-30T15:18:59.293+05:30Best advice I have received on Parenthood<p></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li>It is okay to make mistakes and when you do, to forgive yourself.</li><li>Don't overthink every decision, but learn from each one. </li><li>Learn to love unconditionally and reflect when you attach conditionality to your love in subtle ways.</li><li>Put your relationship with the child before their 'compliance' or 'discipline'. Think hard about what 'good' means in good boy or good girl! </li><li>Step into your child's shoes often. A child is pure and does not have mal intentions.</li><li>Keep the long-term view in mind. Your smaller, everyday failures or struggles may be a long-term win in disguise. </li><li>Bringing up the child in partnership with them. Listen to your child. Ask open-ended questions. Reconsider your requests and how often you say no. Co-create the norms and rules.</li><li>Even when you are silent, your body language and nonverbal cues are doing the talking. Be mindful and reflective. </li><li>Model the behaviour you want the child to show. For example, be vulnerable with them if you want the child to reach out to you. Show respect to them if you want them to respect you.</li><li>You can fulfil every need of the child without meeting every demand. </li><li>Savour every moment, because they grow up soon! </li></ol><p></p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-79065154182652373892021-11-16T12:46:00.002+05:302021-11-16T12:46:57.222+05:30What I wish for my child<p>I wish...</p><p>...you know and feel unconditional love and belonging and can offer it to others.</p><p>...you feel heard and seen and can make others feel the same.</p><p>...you can care and provide for self without feeling greed or inadequacy</p><p>...you are compassionate to others and most importantly your self</p><p>...you have the courage to be yourself and yet, accept that the self is a perpetual work in progress</p><p>...you can understand and question different paradigms before embracing them in your worldview.</p><p>...you can let go of beliefs, values and world views that are disproved or no longer serve you and your world without feeling shame, guilt or inertia.</p><p>...you are open to your outer world of people, places, things and experiences, and your inner world of thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.</p><p>...you can plan for your life but also respond to emergence, trusting your intuition.</p><p>...you are self-reliant and yet appreciate your interdependence with other beings and nature.</p><p>...you strive for happiness, meaning and harmony and not wealth, fame, status and success.</p><p>...you feel awe and wonder for the beauty and magic in our universe.</p><p>...you use the wisdom of your body and spirit more than that of your mind.</p><p>...you embrace, experience and understand every emotion like you would a loved friend.</p><p>...you have access to opportunities to find learning, connection, support, and gratitude for all that enables you to find them.</p><p>...you attain mastery in your field of choice but have the humility to recognise there are other ways of seeing or knowing the world.</p><p>...you can commit with your mind, body, and soul to your life's purpose and yet set boundaries for your own well-being.</p><p>...you feel hope and optimism despite setbacks and failures in life</p><p>...you strive for the balance between love and power and take responsibility.</p><p>...you feel oneness with those who are different from you but also find a community of belonging.</p><p>...you always nurture your sense of wonder, imagination and creation and yet make decisions keeping in mind its impact on others, the society and our planet.</p><p>...you know that these wishes are a North Star, and your journey to being this being is a life-long endeavour.</p><p>...you know you have the biggest say in who you choose to be, and we will always hold space for you.</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-79725991464472823572021-03-20T09:33:00.003+05:302021-03-20T09:33:17.149+05:30Sounds and Silence<p style="text-align: center;"><i>I finally took a holiday after a year. I can't emphasize enough how much being in nature impacts the way I see and feel. This short poem is dedicated to it. </i></p><p style="text-align: center;">Buzzing Bees</p><p style="text-align: center;">Chirping Birds</p><p style="text-align: center;">Barking Dogs </p><p style="text-align: center;">Croaking Frogs</p><p style="text-align: center;">Singing Crickets</p><p style="text-align: center;">Rustling Leaves</p><p style="text-align: center;">Whistling Wind</p><p style="text-align: center;">Gurgling Streams</p><p style="text-align: center;">Grounded Mind</p><p style="text-align: center;">Contented Heart</p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-F9Fbtquxc3k/YFVzf47zQJI/AAAAAAABQlo/Hn-5f1NDVqEWEF-VML2NKQJ7wO32wA0NACPcBGAsYHg/s2368/IMG_20210308_074211.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1332" data-original-width="2368" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-F9Fbtquxc3k/YFVzf47zQJI/AAAAAAABQlo/Hn-5f1NDVqEWEF-VML2NKQJ7wO32wA0NACPcBGAsYHg/s320/IMG_20210308_074211.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-58405906360504660452020-12-27T21:22:00.003+05:302021-01-21T08:46:41.625+05:30TV Shows that helped me escape 2020<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">2020 was quite a dystopian year. There is so much that went wrong that it is hard to recall it all. Some events that stood out to me were:<br /><br /></div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="text-align: justify;">The CAA-NRC legislation</span></li><li style="text-align: justify;">The Delhi riots</li><li style="text-align: justify;">The global economic downturn</li><li style="text-align: justify;">Deepening caste divides including the cruel and disgusting murder and rape of a young Dalit girl </li><li style="text-align: justify;">The polarized US Elections </li><li style="text-align: justify;">The poorly thought-through farming acts and the subsequent agitation </li></ul><div style="text-align: justify;">All of this was happening in the background of the pandemic unfolding and taking away millions of lives as well as democratic institutions, including judiciary and media, being dismantled in India and many parts of the world. The pandemic made it harder to travel or socialize, which meant I had plentiful idle time to overthink about every update in the daily news cycle. While I caught myself early from these traps and <a href="https://medium.com/@kdawda/do-you-have-your-own-oxygen-mask-on-c1f82724a2ae">took plenty of measures for my own wellbeing</a>, I was missing the occasional escape from reality.</div><p></p><p style="text-align: justify;">This was where the on-demand TV shows on largely Netflix and occasionally Amazon Prime helped. I spent almost every lunch and dinner time catching up on an episode of a show with my family. I saw approximately 700 hours of shows this year, far more than I have seen in a previous year. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">I wanted to pay homage to some of my five most favorite shows that I saw in 2020 (they may have been released earlier). It is not to say the other shows that I saw were bad, but these five were exceptional and struck a special chord with me. These are in no specific order, given each show is brilliant in its own right and very different from the other. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: medium; text-align: left;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5753856/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1" style="text-align: left;" target="_blank">Dark</a> </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;">Dark was special not only because of creating a parallel universe with its own rules, but also its consistency in following the rules. Time was masterfully used as a tool in story-telling. There were a million ways the creators could have got the story wrong, but they didn't. Every single element of the show, whether it was the title track (check the video below), the sets, or the script, deeply reaffirmed the feeling of mystery and wonder the show was trying to evoke.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I saw Dark at the peak of the first long lockdown that was imposed in India. Its story, in many ways, reflected a world whose rules seemed unfamiliar and therefore hard to accept, much like the world I was living in when I saw the show. The show reaffirmed <i>how being open and paying attention with your head and heart can help you understand and cope with realities that initially seem alien to you.</i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/66VnOdk6oto" width="320" youtube-src-id="66VnOdk6oto"></iframe></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">-----</div><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3526078/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank">Schitt's Creek</a></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;">Schitt's Creek caught my attention after it swept the Emmys in its category. It is a show that runs solely on the strength of its script and performances. It is easy to get put-off by the absurdity of the show in the first few episodes, but you get rewarded when you begin understanding the motivations of each character with every passing season and witness their gradual transformation. The show stands out because of its commentary on the concept of prosperity and happiness. The fact that it can be ridiculously funny is a bonus!</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I have made certain life choices this year that seemed to put me on the path of financial uncertainty. These choices have also made me happier than ever before. The show reaffirmed that <i>wealth is essential to ensure survival, but happiness is rooted in fulfilling our deeper needs of purpose, harmony, balance, challenge, connection, and love. Yes, love! </i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i>-----</i></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5421602/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank">Anne with an E</a></span></p><p style="text-align: justify;">Anne with an E is a show based in rural Canada of the 1800s. It is named after its chief protagonist, Anne, a teenage orphan who has for the first time been adopted by a family that loves her. Like the title track says, "she is ahead by a century," thanks to her strong feminist, inclusive, scientific ideals. You can't help but empathize with the feelings of a young, articulate Anne who swings between being deeply perceptive and intelligent on one hand and emotionally charged and occasionally reckless on the other. The show must get credit for not mellowing down difficult issues even though they are seen mostly through the eyes of young school-going children. Despite its flaws (especially in its last season), the show is a celebration of the indefatigable human spirit.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">I know things seemed terrible at many times this year. However, <i>this show was a great reminder that we have come a long way as a society and many a time, for the better.</i> We will get there again. At the same time, this show was also a reaffirmation that <i>it is okay to be a misfit</i>. <i>Sometimes you are just ahead of your times and you can visualize a future that others are incapable of imagining. </i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i>-----</i></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10048342/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: medium;">The Queen's Gambit</span></a></p><p style="text-align: justify;">The Queen's Gambit captures the life of a prodigy, Elizabeth Hammon who finds her place in the male-dominated world of chess while fighting addiction and dealing with deep life scars. The show leverages nonlinear storytelling as well as a genius use of sound and visuals to add effect to complete the story from start to finish in just seven episodes. You can't help but jump with joy at Elizabeth's wins each game as an underdog while feeling trapped in her struggles with drugs and alcohol. Even when it ends, it leaves you guessing about Elizabeth's future. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">The show reaffirmed <i>the power of having the right people in one's life, who stand by you and believe in you even when you don't. </i>Personally, I have been blessed to have many such people in my own life and this show was a reminder to acknowledge their presence.</p><p style="text-align: center;">-----</p><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11989890/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: medium;">David Attenborough: A Life On Our Planet</span></a><br /><p style="text-align: justify;">This list would have been incomplete without Sir David Attenborough's witness statement on the transformation of our planet due to human actions. It is narrated through Sir David's own journey from a young boy to an old man and how he has felt experiencing the changing natural habitats. For the first time, he makes the stark effects of our actions visible through the dying species of plants and animals and the diminishing ecosystems essential for our planet's survival. I was in tears by the end of listening to his story as he moves through the decades until the present. Thereafter, he steps into the future where he demonstrates an alternate possibility, leaving us with examples of positive change in some parts of the world and the hope that we can be a part of this effort to save our planet. Needless to say, the documentary is a visual delight and transports you back to nature from the comforts of your home. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;">The show captures </span><i style="text-align: left;">the complexity and scale of our modern-day problems with honesty and yet, it leaves you with the belief in a better future with a more awakened human consciousness.</i><span style="text-align: left;"> If at 93, Sir David is still passionately fighting for change, then I have no reason to stop believing or trying at 34 years of age. </span></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;">-----</p><p style="text-align: justify;">These shows helped me transport myself to different worlds. The plots became alternate topics of conversation at home, away from the day-to-day happenings and the depressing current affairs. They helped me know the lives of strangers, even if fictitious ones. They helped me feel joy, connection, love, excitement, hope, among other things (at least in this world, there were happy or satisfying endings). Occasionally, I saw a reflection of my own self in many characters in these shows and received an alternate interpretation of my own current reality. Hence, I feel grateful for each one of them.</p><div>Before I end, special mentions to:</div><div><ul><li> <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt9544034/" target="_blank">The Family Man</a> for all the Mumbai nostalgia as well as offering a nuanced commentary on many issues impacting India today</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2249364/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank">Broadchurch</a> for allowing me to understand the greys in family and friendship, along with a visual treat of beautiful cinematography</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4955642/" target="_blank">A Good Place</a> for pushing me to think about the deeper philosophical questions of life while being a lot of fun to watch</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5491994/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank">Planet Earth II</a> for letting me bring nature to my home</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11426660/?ref_=rt_li_tt" target="_blank">Cheer</a> for helping me witness the power of an adult who believes in the life of young people, allowing me to go back to my own teaching days</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8398600/?ref_=rt_li_tt" target="_blank">Afterlife</a> for offering a deep and nuanced perspective on humanity and dealing with loss, making me both laugh and cry in a span of minutes</li><li><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8543390/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0" target="_blank">Modern Love</a> for showing me how the human need for love is universal, that love knows no boundaries and can strike anywhere</li></ul></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-34922224191789033272020-08-29T11:47:00.006+05:302020-08-29T18:30:24.775+05:30Life is Short. Make the most of it.<p>I woke up today to the news that <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chadwick_Boseman">Chadwick Boseman</a> passed away. He succumbed to stage IV cancer after four years of treatment. In the middle of chemotherapy and surgeries, he played iconic roles that glorified his heritage as a Black man - whether it was through biographies of Jacob King and Thurgood Marshall or through the fictional superhero, Black Panther. </p><p>He embodied a commitment to his craft, pride in his roots, and strength in his suffering, all within a short life of 43 years. His death is a gentle reminder of how life is short. Unless we live every day bringing alive our best potential to the best of our ability, we may die feeling a sense of guilt or regret. At the same time, his life is also a reminder of the impact you can have in a short time on many around you. Every choice that you make matters and is an opportunity for you to serve. You can leave a mark no matter how long you have to live.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><img alt="The Ancestral Plane in Wakanda" src="https://www.thewrap.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/ancestral-plane-black-panther-tchalla-chadwick-boseman.jpg" title="How would you be welcomed in your afterlife?" /></p><p>I am not Black. In fact, I am an upper-caste Indian belonging to the religious majority. I have only read some stories of Black oppression, both historic and current. Even then, I was deeply moved to see the dignity and grace with which Chadwick Boseman brought alive the first Black superhero on screen. I was blown away with the response the movie saw from people of the Black community. It offered them a symbol of strength and justice who looked and spoke like them. While Black Panther was not perfect, it was a reminder that children today need heroes who come from diverse ethnicities, castes, religions, genders, and body types. Black Panther was one such hero to break the stereotypes. </p><p>As I listened to a few songs from the Original Sound Track, tears welled up in my eyes. I felt an opening within me. While I have started reading authors that represent diverse social backgrounds and watching films about women by women, I realized I still have a long way to go in expanding the diversity of movies I watch. <b>In the memory of Chadwick Boseman, I want to watch stories from storytellers who represent a minority/diversity perspective. I would love your recommendations on such movies if you know any. </b></p><p>In the context of his death, the songs King's Sunset and Pray For Me held a very different meaning than they did earlier. Listen to them, and let these thoughts sink in...</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/K5xERXE7pxI" width="320" youtube-src-id="K5xERXE7pxI"></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/vx9OVswMfVM" width="320" youtube-src-id="vx9OVswMfVM"></iframe></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-15863724370861009962020-08-22T12:53:00.004+05:302020-08-23T12:18:22.674+05:30One Year Hence: Reflecting on the TFI Journey<div style="text-align: justify;">It has been a year since I transitioned from Teach For India (TFI). The year has allowed me to overcome the recency bias in assessing the growth I had in the 6+ years I worked there. If I look back, I see many gifts that I have received from the organization, most of them have been positive, and some just transformational. I wanted to talk about five that have been particularly important.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;">The Ability to Reflect and Learn</h4><div style="text-align: justify;">Most human beings grow in a Goldilock's zone where the challenge is just right - not too high to burn them out and not too low to make them feel bored. Throughout the six years of work, I always was in my stretch zone with occasional visits to the panic zone. Therefore, I enjoyed much of the work I was doing. More than the enjoyment though, the diversity of the work that came with my role as a teacher and a director ensured I was learning very rapidly. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">When I transitioned, I left with a bit of an imposter's syndrome saying I was leaving the jack of all trades but the master of none. However, as I have applied myself to solving other problems, I realized the one thing that I have built is the ability to reflect and learn - no matter what the context. As a result, I have also found myself to become deeply self-aware - realizing my values, strengths, and above all, purpose. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;">A Community </h4><div style="text-align: justify;">I was a typical engineering-management graduate set on a path of living a secure, comfortable lifestyle. Many around me were chasing the wrong ideals - money, stature, recognition, comforts - and some even took pride in flaunting them. I recognized a deep sense of dissonance within me. I felt I was a misfit. I would come back home feeling unhappy. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">However, at TFI, I found a community of idealistic, value-driven individuals who believed in an alternate reality. I felt I belonged here. I received care and support. I felt people could understand me and I could understand them. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;"><b>Courage </b></h4><div style="text-align: justify;">While I spoke about the community of peers, the communities we worked in served an even more important purpose. As I saw the everyday challenges of the children, their parents, their teachers, and their school leaders, it put my whole life in perspective. I lived a life that was relatively easy and comfortable. I had many privileges that I took for granted. I had much more than I needed.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Most importantly, I realized what matters is the stuff that is within you than what is outside. Therefore, I have little to lose as long as I remain authentic and true to my values. This realization has been very liberating. I have been able to ask difficult questions. I have been able to make choices that are anchored in what is necessary instead of what is easy. </div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><h4 style="text-align: justify;">A Talisman </h4><p style="text-align: justify;">One thing TFI did was to transform what was a depressing statistic to personal stories of truth and hope. Whenever I think of a decision I make today, I think of what it would mean for the 70 children that I worked with. What would they say in response? How would they gain from it? </p><p style="text-align: justify;">This varies from everyday choices, like "Do I need to purchase another plastic object?" to important choices, like "What is the kind of work I want to do?" If I buy another plastic product that ends up in a landfill, I know the consequences it has on communities that live around it. If I work in an enterprise that promotes just mastery for examinations, I know the students will not be able to cope with the challenges of our modern world. These children have become the guiding light for my choices. </p><p style="text-align: justify;"><img alt="At the banks of Sabarmati | Weak men, Gandhi, Favorite quotes" height="419" src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a2/4d/e9/a24de9918b4c869f6bd04ca51c064c36.jpg" width="280" /></p><h4 style="text-align: justify;"><br /></h4><h4 style="text-align: justify;">Empathy and Compassion</h4><div>This possibly has been the most profound transformation I have seen in myself. I used to have a me-centered view of my own life and the world. Thanks to many opportunities to working with the people and stakeholders at TFI, I have learned to see the world through the eyes of others. In fact, doing this was the only way to be able to accomplish our collective goals as a team. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have understood their stories and see their authentic self. In the process, I have discovered what is good in people and have been able to collaborate with them for learning and work.<span style="text-align: justify;"> I have been able to connect and support them through their own moments of dissonance, and not jump to unsolicited advice. </span></div><div><span style="text-align: justify;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="text-align: justify;">But above all, I have also learned to balance high expectations with empathy and compassion for myself. My earlier self would never be as forgiving if I didn't finish what I had planned or if I made mistakes or if I just slowed down the pace of work. But now, it all seems a part of life's ups and downs, ebbs, and flows. </span></div><div><span style="text-align: justify;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="text-align: justify;">Life is good! </span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-44235593682424304862020-08-22T11:35:00.014+05:302020-08-23T12:19:59.568+05:30False Assumptions<div style="text-align: center;">In a lush green forest</div><div style="text-align: center;">By the banks of Kabini,</div><div style="text-align: center;">Were centuries-old tribes</div><div style="text-align: center;">Mature in their ways</div><div style="text-align: center;">Of thinking, doing, and living.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/#"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UqZNbC7VuXQ/X0C045urV_I/AAAAAAABMPI/AQ-_6Y0X44wNLJnd-C7C-xidHVo1fkWOwCPcBGAsYHg/s640/IMG_20181011_152130.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">The most recurring human phenomenon is</div><div style="text-align: center;">Choosing the collective, immediate good</div><div style="text-align: center;">At the cost of individual suffering -</div><div style="text-align: center;">The suffering of another human, of a living thing, of our planet;</div><div style="text-align: center;">And the suffering of our future self.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">The three words that bind the homo sapien - Today, Me and More.</div><div style="text-align: center;">These are three words that drove the tribes away.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Humans create new problems</div><div style="text-align: center;">The other humans try to solve</div><div style="text-align: center;">With our power to do both</div><div style="text-align: center;">We think we are evolved.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/#"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QdaV-7YElCo/X0C04ytW2MI/AAAAAAABMPI/VJQbmfcVTPEscb27FOOfuTQndbG3LtrTQCPcBGAsYHg/s640/DSC_0103.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">What is good enough?</div><div style="text-align: center;">What is the right way to live?</div><div style="text-align: center;">What is aspirational?</div><div style="text-align: center;">We think we know it all</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Context is everything</div><div style="text-align: center;">Without a frame of reference, do we know:</div><div style="text-align: center;">Is AGE a function of the mind or the heart or the body or the soul?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Is LEARNING a result of education or evolution?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Is a GOAL just a function of my perceived necessity?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Is survival not a good enough PURPOSE any more?</div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/#"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yQBxzzIGeHU/X0C04-vGbvI/AAAAAAABMPI/FPX6oMLTImMNSXyUvNiR2kf-9AbRLE2iQCPcBGAsYHg/s640/DSC_0101.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">It's our folly to assume</div><div style="text-align: center;">We understand the problem we solve.</div><div style="text-align: center;">Who am I to control the system</div><div style="text-align: center;">It's only myself I can evolve.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">An aware and equanimous individual</div><div style="text-align: center;">A compassionate and empathetic being</div><div style="text-align: center;">Living in harmony with what exists</div><div style="text-align: center;">Understanding the essence of my being</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/#"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JmR-ZfVnaY0/X0C046FtPdI/AAAAAAABMPI/6bzgvDRlf20Uo094FbI9a-qZdRz-t61VQCPcBGAsYHg/s640/DSC_0126.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">PS: This poem was inspired by my experience of visiting the school and the tribal communities of the Swami Vivekananda Youth Mission in Kabini Forests.</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-30862444167026712092020-08-22T11:21:00.004+05:302020-08-22T11:49:09.994+05:30A Natural Wonder<div style="text-align: center;">I went on a date with nature</div><div style="text-align: center;">A weekend in the middle of nowhere</div><div style="text-align: center;">A tonne of green, a tinge of brown</div><div style="text-align: center;">My mind losing any reason to frown </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ACtC-3fzsWMXYNn3S1OM4IukNLQV_xP8U-xB1OeB-5wgXh2ShsNpsvhJwam9DmoO5J_Ec-OKZ75OMbTEICz3l9CETYTL4De2LO7VJ43BRwBgtvC_AhgE--mveBPHp25rvUyF3ishkX1TnqoOB0t8418-cpuscg=w560-h374?authuser=0" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I heard an orchestra of crickets</div><div style="text-align: center;">Sounds of birds rarely found</div><div style="text-align: center;">The pitter-patter of raindrops</div><div style="text-align: center;">The unending songs had many messages</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Observe and Appreciate!</div><div style="text-align: center;">There's beauty in the small things</div><div style="text-align: center;">Like an act of kindness</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Listen and Connect!</div><div style="text-align: center;">There's so much that goes unnoticed</div><div style="text-align: center;">Like the voices of those oppressed and sometimes, the ones we love</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;">Pause and Think!</div><div style="text-align: center;">There's life in your moments worth acknowledging</div><div style="text-align: center;">Like a child in a sandbox</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Why did I love these dates? </div><div style="text-align: center;">My nana took me on my first few ones</div><div style="text-align: center;">For him, it was about food and family</div><div style="text-align: center;">For me, it was sheer curiosity</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/pw/ACtC-3d9tnTbLG_Kqaj4P6gOiinAtqtGpZUy5KXiOOmkXcwaIkA7flyRjMzG-RPp-nfq1jqPjORbzHhLTDOlpUgDOh_fjKvpU_dC6YdORBDBLTn9-URluB4XDRdNoylIoru4l6tNYCZfq3MwyztQPzEhAU5bdQ=w560-h374?authuser=0" /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">What made the elephant trumpet so loud?</div><div style="text-align: center;">How did we have a roof full of orange flowers?</div><div style="text-align: center;">Why did the waterfall make a thunderous sound? </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Questions which eventually helped me understand:</div><div style="text-align: center;">Why education is beyond schools</div><div style="text-align: center;">Why living things have a purpose </div><div style="text-align: center;">And finally, why nature made me feel the way it did</div><div style="text-align: center;">Being with nature, taught me my nature of being.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">PS: This poem was inspired by Sakleshpur's bountiful sights!</div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-84758059294162671042020-06-27T14:44:00.001+05:302020-06-27T14:55:02.392+05:30What I learned from Lord of the Rings?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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There are movies and then there are MOVIES. I am the kind of person who would rather re-watch a good movie than fill my time watching a bad one. And if I were to think of one movie I can watch again and again, it is the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. Technically, it is three movies and not one, but it is one gripping narrative. </div>
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<i>Disclaimer: While this post contains no spoilers, it does have references to certain moments in the movie, which you may want to avoid if it is on your watchlist. However, I cannot guarantee you would not want to watch the movie after reading the post. </i></div>
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<img alt="The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) - IMDb" height="320" src="https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BN2EyZjM3NzUtNWUzMi00MTgxLWI0NTctMzY4M2VlOTdjZWRiXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNDUzOTQ5MjY@._V1_.jpg" width="214" /><img alt="The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers | Moviepedia | Fandom" height="320" src="https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/filmguide/images/f/f2/Lord_of_the_rings_the_two_towers_2002_intl_original_film_art_2000x.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20190813215951" style="text-align: left;" width="216" /><img alt="The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - Wikipedia" height="320" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/be/The_Lord_of_the_Rings_-_The_Return_of_the_King_%282003%29.jpg" style="text-align: left;" width="215" /></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">My wife and I end up watching all three parts of the Lord Of The Rings (LOTR) trilogy at least once every year. We have watched it so often that we can complete </span><span style="text-align: left;">verbatim</span><span style="text-align: left;"> many of the dialogues</span><span style="text-align: left;">. We do not watch it for just nostalgia for a movie we saw in our teens. We watch LOTR because we both draw immense inspiration from the story. In most parts of this post, I refer to the story, more than the format. I have read the books and seen the movies and love them equally (which rarely happens). </span></div>
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Unlike other stories of our childhood, LOTR remains relevant even now. Every time I watch it, I observe a new detail and resonate with it in a different way. </div>
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In my teens, the movie was about valor and a victory of good over evil in my teens. The movie is full of moments of courage like Frodo nominating himself to become the ring-bearer, Sam sticking to his friend no matter the dangers, or the men and elves holding a brave front in the battle at Helmsdeep despite being outnumbered. <b>Watching the characters making these choices inspires me to be brave. </b>While the plot revolves around the traditional good versus evil storyline, it is, by no means, linear. On the contrary, it is memorable to engage with the twists and turns in the mythical world. No wonder, the flattering quotes on the back cover of the book.</div>
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In my twenties, I saw the connections to the idea of power corrupting even the purest of souls. The ideas of good versus evil became less black and white. Bearing the ring or even being around it long enough corrupts the beings with even the noblest of intentions. <b>Seeing the transformation of characters from good towards evil reminded me how the greed for power and its effects impact leadership in our civilization. I learned that both good and evil exist within us and both manifest themselves through our choices. </b></div>
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In my thirties, I see how inter-dependent and inter-connected our world is, and no one is spared from looking away from an act of injustice and hate against other living beings. It is why the elves, hobbits, dwarfs join forces in solving a problem that would initially impact only men. </div>
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<b>I can see many parallels between problems facing our world today with the idea of inter-dependence and inter-connectedness.</b> A complex problem like climate change cannot be addressed without different countries and sectors joining hands. In the times of COVID19, the health system of the least developed countries impacts the health of populations all over the world. Sometimes I wish we didn't live in these times, but like Gandalf says, "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."</div>
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I have also learned from some of the many memorable dialogues in the movie, of which I am choosing three that I love the most:<br />
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<b>Aragon: "What do you fear, lady?"</b> </blockquote>
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<b>Eowyn: "A cage. To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."</b></blockquote>
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<span style="text-align: left;">This exchange between Aragon and Eowyn drives home my need to remain unshackled from the traditional expectations of society and carve my own path. <b>The idea of being independent while being inter-dependent is a powerful ideal to live by.</b></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><b>“Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.”</b></span></blockquote>
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This line by Lady Galadriel<span style="text-align: left;"> teaches me that <b>an individual's actions towards doing good matters, no matter how insignificant they may seem. </b>In my life, my greatest sparks for action come from seeing people stand up for what is right, and when people are compassionate and audacious in the face of adversity and oppression. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Pregnant woman's protest sign sends powerful message on being a ..." src="https://s.abcnews.com/images/GMA/gma-protest-ht-kk-200608_hpMain_4x5_608.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This picture of a pregnant, Black, female protestor at the #BlackLivesMatter protests deeply moved me (<a href="https://www.instagram.com/uluvmylovefaces/?utm_source=ig_embed" target="_blank">see source here</a>)</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><b>SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? </b></span><b style="text-align: left;">But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.</b></blockquote>
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<b>FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?</b><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span></blockquote>
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<b>SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.</b></blockquote>
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This is my most favourite dialogue from the movies. <b>When things seem hopeless and impossible, which is most of the time these days, this is a dialogue reminds me of the need to stay put on the path. </b>In most problems that confront us, we have to move mountains. We do it one pebble at a time. We have to stay put till others see our effort and join hands with us. We have to believe that these mountains will eventually move.<br />
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I wanted to write this blogpost because I wanted to capture some of the feelings and thoughts that I am left with every time I watch the movies. It was long overdue and I am glad I have finally put my reflection down in words. I know I will keep coming back and updating the post in the future as I see the story from a different vantage point in my life.<br />
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Till then, I will leave you with another quote from the movies on the power of your deeds:<br />
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PS: To the detractors of the story, I know it is dominated by white male characteristics. Peter Jackson did include female characters in the movie plots which were missing in the books to make up for their under-representation. However, one of the reasons I love LOTR is that it stays true to the books. The book was written in another time for an audience different from our generation and the movie couldn't drift too far away from it.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-60760616671294952722020-02-03T21:27:00.002+05:302020-02-04T10:07:15.321+05:30Reclaiming my Focus<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-weight: normal;">Typically, I would have checked my phone or messages at least a few times during the course of writing this article. Today, I managed to finish it without any distractions. I will write about how I managed to make this change happen.</span></div>
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A Harvard Article titled “<a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://hbr.org/2007/10/manage-your-energy-not-your-time" href="https://hbr.org/2007/10/manage-your-energy-not-your-time" rel="noopener" target="_blank">Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time</a> talks about our energy divided into four buckets — Physical (care for your body), Emotional (embrace all emotions and foster positive ones), Mental (be aware and choose your focus wisely), Spiritual (find your bigger purpose — align everything with deep values). Each of these four buckets of energy needs to be nourished for one to operate in the performance zone.</div>
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Over the last five years, I had made rapid strides in three of the four buckets. My routines in exercise and diet, my focus on cultivating positive emotions and sustaining energizing relationships, my increasing alignment between my self and my work all helped my physical, emotional and spiritual energy respectively. However, I persistently struggled with mental energy.</div>
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To solve some of my challenges with mental energy, I assumed meditation and productivity/effectiveness hacks are the only way. I never made consistent time for meditation and the hacks I discovered would never keep up with the evolving pace of distractions. It has been a struggle throughout my professional and personal life, especially after the advent of high-speed internet on our smartphones.</div>
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More recently, I adopted a different approach. Instead of trying to bring focus to my work, I identified the times I felt more focused. I discovered my focus was the highest when:</div>
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<li class="graf graf--li" name="1a90">I am doing a few house chores — like watering the plant and maintaining them, doing the laundry, making my morning tea, etc.</li>
<li class="graf graf--li" name="e009">I am working out, focusing on my mind-muscle connection to improve my form and increase the quality of my input to the workout.</li>
<li class="graf graf--li" name="2233">I am in the company of nature, observing the trees or watching a sunset.</li>
<li class="graf graf--li" name="95b7">I am listening to melodious, soulful music.</li>
<li class="graf graf--li" name="2819">I am playing with my cat.</li>
</ul>
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It is no surprise each of these activities kept me away from digital screens and each of them involved conscious awareness of your physical senses and/or motion (read more about <a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://aboutmeditation.com/boost-meditation-embodiment/" href="https://aboutmeditation.com/boost-meditation-embodiment/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">embodiment</a> if you are interested).</div>
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I started doing more of each of these things in my day. I saw that doing rapid sprints of work for 2–3 hours separated by these activities of high focus, even if it is for 10 minutes, improved my awareness and focus dramatically. On further research, I discovered that many of these activities are a part of <a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree" href="http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree" rel="noopener" target="_blank">the tree of contemplative practices</a>.</div>
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Sometimes, it is not about doing more of the same thing to fix a recurring problem. It is about identifying and applying low-touch and counter-intuitive approaches (e.g. doing dishes) while constantly reflecting on outcomes that are shifting (e.g. acknowledging the higher focus I feel), no matter how subtle and nuanced the change is. </div>
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Correlation may not always mean causation, but <a class="markup--anchor markup--p-anchor" data-href="https://agileleanlife.com/switch-how-to-implement-change/" href="https://agileleanlife.com/switch-how-to-implement-change/" rel="noopener" target="_blank">there is no harm in discovering an approach that works for you by observing bright spots and trying to recreate the results intentionally</a>. The human brain is a complex system and you may never know what clicks.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-25853953542598246392019-12-29T13:10:00.001+05:302019-12-29T14:49:46.212+05:30Reflections from the Year gone by...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">2019 has been an eventful year, to put it mildly. In this post, I am going to synthesize the year that was and my learning from it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">There were many positive things that happened. I saw my sister get married to her friend of many years. I chose to follow my purpose and explore what acting towards it looks like. I went on my first solo travel to Vietnam and spent the remaining time of my sabbatical learning more about change. I participated in a transformational three-month journey with the uLabs community. I also grew physically stronger and healthier. I reconnected with friends more consistently than ever before. I started writing again. At a societal level, it was good to see pockets of hope - masses beginning to question the status quo and seek the truth behind choices made by those in power - whether it was against climate change (eg. Fridays For Future), whether against corruption (eg. Iran), whether against bigotry (eg. anti-trump rally), whether for equality (eg. #MeToo) or whether for freedom (eg. Hong Kong). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">There were some negative episodes too. I lost my father-in-law and our cat Cleo, and thanks to them, I spent more time in the hospital than I ever have before. I struggled in building discipline in my reflective practice and took steps backward on mindfulness. On a global scale, I saw the world in strife, more polarized than ever (including the gradual dismantling of our institutional integrity in India). I saw climate change was showing its signs much faster, with forest and bush fires, with floods and with irreversible glacial melts in many habitats and yet, human activity that destroys nature continuing unabated (like legalizing mining in Amazon).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Overall, this year has helped me feel many contrasting emotions - joy and sorrow, anger and peace, hope and despair, fatigue and enthusiasm, learning and distraction, connectedness and polarization, love and hate, compassion and conflict, helplessness and empowerment, etc. However, while I remember everything that was not good, I don't think I have let that feeling of negativity linger. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Zooming out, there have been a few key lessons that I have learned: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>There is power in reflection but there is greater power in <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8-ur7glmYE" target="_blank">presencing</a>: </b>All these years, I used reflection as a tool to build awareness of self. However, the actions I took were often focused on improving the effectiveness of what I did and highly intellectual in nature. This time, I shifted the source of my action from just intellectual insight to the energy that I felt in social fields I participated in. Moreover, I did not sit on it for too long and quickly translated what emerged into small actions. I have found this to not just narrow the spiritual divide that I used to feel, but help me find paths which I initially thought didn't exist.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>All you need is people who deeply understand each other and broadly align with one another: </b>I spent a lot of my time observing movements that shaped the world. It kept taking me back to Margaret Mead's quote "<span style="text-align: left;">Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." While the modern media is filled with narratives of everything that is going wrong, I felt there was so much power in the movements that began or expanded in 2019. Sometimes, movements may seem to have little impact, but the role they play in building a civic or social muscle in people is undeniable. </span><span style="text-align: left;">Closer to home, I found a community of colleagues who are on a shared journey to understand these ideas and help them grow. I found work with a team that is working on enabling a movement for wellbeing. Although inconsistently, I engaged in local efforts, towards bettering animal welfare, urban mobility, environmental preservation, and better governance. Through these communities, I found the courage to do what is necessary.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Death is the best teacher: </b>I think watching two loved ones die pushes you a lot to think about the purpose of life. Spending the time tending to them, seeing their suffering, saying your final good-byes makes you ponder about: What is a life worth living? How would you want the world to remember you? What are the things that are important in life? What is detachment? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">In the process, there were a few things that I discovered:</span></div>
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<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Treating your emotions as a 'butterfly' - they come and they go - and thus, while we acknowledge their coming and going, we don't lose ourselves in it.</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Living your values every day without circumscribed boundaries is incredibly difficult is the best way to being happy and finding greater meaning</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Material wealth is important as long as it allows for better utilization, protection or nurturing of one's body, but that is about it as far as its link to happiness and prosperity is concerned</span></li>
<li style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">There are four enemies that prevent us from truly living meaningfully: Past (Regret: I should have, could have...), Future (Worry: I don't know if...), Them (Blame: It is because of them...) and Me (or Ego: What is in it for me, what about my idea/my opinion, etc...) </span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b style="font-weight: bold;">To love someone is to understand their suffering and your interbeing with them:</b> I am going to not use my words, but copy the paragraph on <a href="https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/03/31/how-to-love-thich-nhat-hanh/" target="_blank">'interbeing' by Thich-Nhat-Hanh</a> that was the source of my inspiration. I am still in the process of understanding and living this, but I hope it has the same impact on you as it did on me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">"To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we have to understand them. To understand, we need to listen. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">When you love someone, you should have the capacity to bring relief and help him to suffer less. This is an art. If you don’t understand the roots of his suffering, you can’t help, just as a doctor can’t help heal your illness if she doesn’t know the cause. You need to understand the cause of your loved one’s suffering in order to help bring relief. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The more you understand, the more you love; the more you love, the more you understand. They are two sides of one reality. The mind of love and the mind of understanding are the same. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Often, when we say, “I love you” we focus mostly on the idea of the “I” who is doing the loving and less on the quality of the love that’s being offered. This is because we are caught by the idea of self. We think we have a self. But there is no such thing as an individual separate self. A flower is made only of non-flower elements, such as chlorophyll, sunlight, and water. If we were to remove all the non-flower elements from the flower, there would be no flower left. A flower cannot be by herself alone. A flower can only inter-be with all of us… Humans are like this too. We can’t exist by ourselves alone. We can only inter-be. I am made only of non-me elements, such as the Earth, the sun, parents, and ancestors. In a relationship, if you can see the nature of interbeing between you and the other person, you can see that his suffering is your own suffering, and your happiness is his own happiness. With this way of seeing, you speak and act differently. This in itself can relieve so much suffering."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">With this, I come to the end of my post. In the year ahead, I wish you all more curiosity to understand perspectives different from yours, more compassion to feel another's suffering and more courage to follow your heart and do what is right and needed. </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-8570236738717940582019-10-31T12:44:00.000+05:302019-11-04T20:38:24.371+05:30The Power of Doing Nothing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I left my last job on 14th August 2019 and am still on a break. While I was <a href="http://whisperingshadow.blogspot.com/search/label/VietnamDiaries" target="_blank">backpacking</a> in Vietnam after my transition, it was interesting to observe how so many travelers took long sabbaticals (often between 3 months to a year) from work but Indians formed a minuscule percentage of these. What was not surprising was the reactions I received from other Indians - </div>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">How did you get this much time off from work? </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Are you not worried about not having a job offer in hand? </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">How did your wife allow you to travel solo on a long holiday? </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Why do you need three months to reflect? </li>
<li style="text-align: justify;">Why did you leave your last job if you were happy with the work?</li>
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Honestly, when I quit my job, I had no clue what I was going to do with the break. I had a sense that I had hit a learning edge. I knew my vision for my contribution to the world had evolved beyond the boundaries of my current role. I didn't know exactly what it was. I didn't even know if the break would lead to anything meaningful emerging from it. All I knew was that I wanted to just be. </div>
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I wanted to be in the company of myself. I wanted to create experiences that helped me discover something new about the world and myself. I wanted to get back to everything that energized me - photography, writing, reading, history, meeting interesting people, generative dialogues, etc. I didn't want to have a three-month plan of action. I wanted to go with the flow. Something told me I would know when I am ready. </div>
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Fast-forwarding to the present, I have spent the last two and a half months doing many interesting things. I have traveled across the length of Vietnam over three weeks. I have completed (almost) a foundational course on <a href="https://www.edx.org/course/ulab-leading-from-the-emerging-future" target="_blank">TheoryU: Leading from an Emerging Future</a>, and in the process, found a global community of changemakers operating with empathy and openness for the world. I have learned a bit more about societal platforms. I have explored the Social Impact Landscape in the Region, meeting many influencers and engaging in the work of some of their organizations. Most importantly, I have reconnected with friends, my students from the Fellowship and my family. In addition, I have done a bit of photography, writing, reading and supporting stray animals in distress.</div>
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The good thing about not having clear objectives is that I have operated with an open mind and heart. I have been like a sponge soaking everything in. Not having anything to do means that once you gain new experiences, ideas, and insights, you have to stay with them and let them simmer. After you do this, you sense different thoughts and feelings emerge. These become the map to your next activity. </div>
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Eventually, patterns start forming across these thoughts and feelings, building more conviction about a particular direction. Sometimes, the emerging patterns are in conflict. Then again, the time that you have on your hands helps you discern the truth from the voices in your head. You begin to resolve the false contradictions that you are holding. </div>
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To illustrate with an example, I met many people to learn more about their work on my return. I left every conversation with recommendations for who else to meet, what else to read and what questions to explore. I kept sleeping over conversations and reflecting on which conversations energized me most, eventually following the recommendations that those people left me with. In the process, the direction that initially seemed vague became clearer. Sometimes this vision seemed in contradiction with my financial goals. I again made that struggle visible in these conversations and I found the right questions (eg.What do I actually need?) and right answers (eg. offers to help). </div>
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I think a few key principles were at play:</div>
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1) <i>Follow what energizes you:</i> Fundamentally, what energizes you is a reflection of your deepest values and vision. While it is often hard to nuance the values and vision, it easier to sense the energy. </div>
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2) <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BG46IwVfSu8" target="_blank">Outrospection</a> and Introspection:</i> I often sense people get lost in one of the two approaches and then are unable to move forward. Listening to the world and listening to your self is equally important to break the status quo. </div>
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3) <i>Delay defining a direction:</i> Not defining a direction in a rush and holding that tension was crucial in helping me keep an open mind and heart throughout. With constant reflection, you will see many more paths open up and eventually know when you are ready to decide and commit to one.</div>
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4) <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLfXpRkVZaI" target="_blank">Listen to your listening</a>: </i>We need to move from downloading what we already know to a deeper state of connection with people where we let go of prior assumptions and biases. While I was able to do this deep listening only 10-20% of the time, this was the time when the most useful ideas were generated. Furthermore, I was at least able to consistently operate with greater empathy for people, including myself.</div>
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5) <i>The Universe is driven to help you succeed:</i> At any stage, it is important to assume that everyone you interact with is coming from a place of kindness and support. This assumption has been key in pushing me to be vulnerable and reach out, which in turn, has led me to the many answers that I have today that I didn't three months ago. </div>
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To conclude, I feel this pause from everything has left me a lot richer in my awareness of my self and my interactions with the world. It has also created a force field of energy that is fueling my new-found conviction.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-56830926447879005212019-10-14T14:57:00.005+05:302019-10-14T14:58:57.890+05:30Through the Eye of a Needle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Had Cleo been alive today, she would have been four years old. She would have been eating a special meal of freshly cooked chicken or fish. She would have been forced to wear all kinds of fun accessories, much to her dismay. She would have had tonnes of photos clicked for the sake of our memories with her. She would have visits from people who have parented her. After all, she was the Queen kitty in our lives.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s3xQiklgFzA/XaQ_RzZF8iI/AAAAAAABBsM/0bRvtdPPWIYaFRQybRpVqDP1aV9wpn1rwCKgBGAsYHg/s1600/DSC_0006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s3xQiklgFzA/XaQ_RzZF8iI/AAAAAAABBsM/0bRvtdPPWIYaFRQybRpVqDP1aV9wpn1rwCKgBGAsYHg/s320/DSC_0006.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Queen for a reason</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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However, Cleo is no longer with us in physical form. She passed away three months ago, after fighting courageously a battle that she could not win against lily toxicity. I will never forget the day she passed away. It is the saddest day of my life. </div>
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It is not the saddest because of her death. Everyone dies when their time comes. It was sad because it was not her time. She was a healthy, happy, playful cat. She had never been to a vet for any illness, not even fleas. She didn't deserve the cards of death that were dealt to her. She didn't deserve the pain or suffering. However, even in her death, she taught me valuable lessons.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--rzO7T5X8aA/XaQ9lNAPp6I/AAAAAAABBrw/SMIo6BFKxiwtfbV6SVFEmei9nG0A_xKAACKgBGAsYHg/s1600/IMG-20190709-WA0012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1040" data-original-width="780" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/--rzO7T5X8aA/XaQ9lNAPp6I/AAAAAAABBrw/SMIo6BFKxiwtfbV6SVFEmei9nG0A_xKAACKgBGAsYHg/s320/IMG-20190709-WA0012.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here rests Cleo in peace</td></tr>
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While we were headed to Whispering Meadows to bury her, I was thinking about all my moments with her. How she would give us 30 seconds of love when we returned from home, but then go back to grooming herself. How she would hide under the bed when we met strangers, maintaining her distance. How she would play ferociously with ribbons, balls, sticks and sometimes, my feet. How she would forget about us after a few days in a new setting.</div>
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In the moments we were burying her, the only thoughts that stayed with me are how I could be fully present in the moment, how I could learn to let go, and how I could embrace the future that was presented in front of me. In this future, there had to be ways to keep Cleo alive. </div>
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Yes, Cleo was a dear pet, but Cleo was many things else. I will share a few examples. </div>
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She, like my students from Ja'fari, reminded me of the value of the unconditional love and kindness that those without a voice need. She is probably the only reason all of us who loved her have adopted other cats. I also began to observe other animals on the street, identifying and helping the ones that are in need. Pallavi and I have now helped rescue and find a home for a dog and a cat. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xrg_3u0oTnI/XaQ97gPm0gI/AAAAAAABBr4/KhC3Im7t2PQw52rI4vx0lF4QKJYraewCwCKgBGAsYHg/s1600/IMG-20190910-WA0009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xrg_3u0oTnI/XaQ97gPm0gI/AAAAAAABBr4/KhC3Im7t2PQw52rI4vx0lF4QKJYraewCwCKgBGAsYHg/s320/IMG-20190910-WA0009.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mouse lives with our friends and Cleo's moms - Akanksha and Ishita</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Cleo was the reason I found a new community of friends, people who I would have otherwise barely known. Cats (and dogs) became our common ground. Through our love for animals, I built empathy for people who were very different from me. As we listened to each others' stories, we received further encouragement for doing more good to more animals, including our own.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UQh3mFhJc2A/XaQ97tueboI/AAAAAAABBr4/YQMwlLj1e6MWBIXGku7svc1gqRKi0rPWQCKgBGAsYHg/s1600/IMG_20190930_114127.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UQh3mFhJc2A/XaQ97tueboI/AAAAAAABBr4/YQMwlLj1e6MWBIXGku7svc1gqRKi0rPWQCKgBGAsYHg/s320/IMG_20190930_114127.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tuffy was abandoned by his mother, but rescued by my neighbor, Sumathi and us</td></tr>
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Playing with Cleo taught me to put my cell phone away and be fully present in a moment, feeling attentiveness, joy and the thrill of adventure. I still make it a point to do this for some part of the day, even though my cat, Kovu doesn't play with that much enthusiasm. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kovu - The Calm and Friendly One</td></tr>
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<br />Cleo's death was like passing through the eye of the needle. At some stage, you feel like you can't move on. At another, you realize you must. In the process, you must let go of all the unnecessary baggage so that you can pass through it. For instance, it means being okay with not being able to run your fingers through her soft and smooth fur and not being able to look into her beautiful dark eyes with the yellow borders. In the process of letting go, you find greater meaning and see a field of new possibilities emerge - of love, of kindness, of friendship, of mindfulness - of being more humane. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Cleo was not just a cat, but an inspiration</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-14386735050775965182019-09-08T11:57:00.000+05:302019-09-11T10:55:52.326+05:30Vietnam Diaries (Day 19 and 20): Vietnam through my Lens<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It is my last day in Vietnam. I am feeling many things - content at having experienced the country and its people, slowly and holistically; accomplished now that my first long solo trip is coming to an end; excited to be back home with family, especially with my cat Kovu; relaxed having had time away from everything - both personal and professional; reconnected with my hobbies of photography and writing and through them, my self; and a bit nervous at the prospects of having to find and resume work again.</div>
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I don't have much planned for today, except seeing the sunset in the city. Instead of blogging on the day, I thought I will just rewind this whirlwind 20-day trip over the next two days. To do this, I have chosen one photograph for each day (not necessarily clicked on the same day). I will tell you the story behind these photographs through that, help you learn a little more about Vietnam. </div>
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These photographs are in chronological order and not ranked in any other way - it'll break my heart to do that. However, I have only chosen ones that capture moments that are important in the context of Vietnam and my trip.</div>
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Through this post, I conclude my series on Vietnam and resume the adventure of every-day life in India. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 12.8px;">#1: A Sunset at Long Biên Bridge, Hanoi</span></td></tr>
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<b>#1: Long Bien Bridge: </b></div>
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This bridge was the first one built across the Red River that connects two districts of Hanoi, carrying railway and vehicular traffic. When it was built, it was one of the largest bridges in Asia. Under it is one of Hanoi's biggest night markets as well as the residence of many poor people who live on just boats (not captured in this photograph). Above it, is the beautiful sunset, its rays piercing through its old structure. Historically, this bridge was a prime target for the American troops to disable the North Vietnamese forces during the war. It is so old and dilapidated now that four-wheelers are no longer allowed on the bridge. </div>
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To me, the bridge symbolizes a link to the past for Hanoi as well as its resilience as a city. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#2: Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Hanoi</td></tr>
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<b>#2: Ministry of Foreign Affairs:</b></div>
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This is one of the grander buildings preserved in the political center of Hanoi, located next to the Ho Chi Minh Memorial, The Assembly, The Presidential Palace, and many National Consulate Offices. Hanoi has competed with Saigon for significance over the centuries, under the Chinese, French, Communist-Vietnamese rules. While the Old World War II Allies supporting the US played a huge role in starting the war, many other allies played a key role in building international pressure on the Americans to stop it, thus, the importance of foreign affairs itself.</div>
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This guard standing in attention position to me symbolizes the deference with which the people operate for the rule, which in itself is absolute, autocratic and preferential. However, it is nowhere close compared to the Chinese State. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#3: Christina and Carlos as we visit the Surprising Caves<br />
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<b style="font-size: medium;">#3: Christina and Carlos as we visit the 'Surprising' Caves</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Tourism forms a key source of income in the Vietnamese economy, and thus, most of Vietnam treats its tourists well. Jobs are far and few outside the trade centers and most people are engaged in primary occupations like farming, animal husbandry, logging, etc, in those areas, if not tourism. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Christina is Spanish settled in Belgium and Carlos, a Venezuelan now settled in Spain. I spent some time with them on the overnight trip to Ha Long as well as later in Hanoi when I was there for a day. Both of them became best friends while writing their Ph.D. thesis in Barcelona, but on first impressions seemed as different as chalk and cheese. Carlos now fears to return back to Venezuela given the ongoing Civil War and finds refuge in his home away from home, that is Barcelona, thanks to friends like Christina who have welcomed and embraced him.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I thought this picture not only symbolizes the importance of tourism but friendship in times of strife.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#4: The Pearl Farm in the backdrop of an incredible sight at Ha Long Bay</td></tr>
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<b>4) <span style="text-align: left;">The Pearl Farm in the backdrop of an incredible sight at Ha Long Bay</span></b></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Legend has it that Ha Long Bay was a result of a large mother dragon descending on Earth, spewing pearls instead of fire (yes, Chinese Dragons are much more versatile than the ones in Hollywood). The name Ha Long itself means Descending Dragon. As you view the sight, you can imagine the dragon scales rising through the water. In reality, these islets are a UNESCO Natural Wonder of the World, formed over three-million years of work by water on the limestone cliffs.</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">To me, this picture symbolizes the folklore that man creates to bring people together and more importantly, make a good sale!! To put a pearl farm in the middle of the bay is an ultimate example of money being the ultimate God. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">5) The Sunrise at Ha Long</td></tr>
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<b>5) <span style="text-align: left;">The Sunrise at Ha Long</span></b></div>
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This was one of the few sunrises I saw in Vietnam, willingly waking up for it. Unlike India, it happens at 5AM here and takes a lot of commitment to get out of the bed and reach a place where you can find the view. Given I was on a boat in the middle of the sea, the effort seemed minimum and the view seemed fabulous. </div>
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Living in cities, this picture made me wonder about the lack of large, public, open spaces which are accessible to man but unspoiled by him. Even the waters in Ha Long were peppered with many junk boats carrying dozens of tourists, seen in the form of the tiny lights in the foreground. How long before Ha Long is no longer the beauty it is? </div>
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<b>6) A Bamboo Store in the Old Quarters</b></div>
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In <a href="https://www.vietvisiontravel.com/post/hanoi-old-quarter-36-streets/" target="_blank">the Old Quarters</a>, each street is named after a skill that was practiced during the previous centuries, until of course, the tourist boom replaced many of these stores with restaurants, cafes, and bars. In the mid-19th Century, Bamboo poles were sold in the Hang Tre Street to be used by craftsmen at the Hang Be Street to make rafts to wade through the shallow waters around the city. </div>
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Luckily, I found a store that still sold Bamboo poles on the same street. It was a reminder that not all things ancient, are forgotten. The lady reading the newspaper symbolized the afternoon rest, that seemed to be a common habit in Vietnam. Till as late as 2017, museums in <a href="https://tuoitrenews.vn/news/lifestyle/20170912/opportunity-missed-as-vietnamese-museums-close-for-afternoon-nap/41541.html" target="_blank">Hanoi and HCMC</a> used to close between 11:00 to 1:30 PM for a siesta!! </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">7) A Lady Street-Vendor in Hanoi</td></tr>
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<b>7) A Lady Street-Vendor in Hanoi</b></div>
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The women of Vietnam paid a terrible price for the family - fathers, husbands, sons - that they lost during the wars. Often many ended up with no pensions at all, or pensions as little as 700 dongs (equivalent to a penny in those times) a month. They were forced to migrate to cities where they could find work. Many joined the army to fight the war and support the troops. Some got lucky and ended up trading or being domestic works, but others were also fooled and forced into flesh trade. In the modern-day, many women still lead difficult lives, often living with 10 -12 other women in a room, sometimes earning as little as $10 a month. The Vietnamese Women's Museum as well as the book "When Heaven and Earth Changed Places" captured many such stories that symbolize the strength of these women. </div>
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This picture captures one such story. Her dressing is a typical worker dress seen in the country. Her face is hidden by a traditional sunhat, which means she could be any woman. The burden she carries symbolizes the burden of supporting herself and the dependents on her. Despite the burden, she has to walk the difficult path, every single day, from dawn to dusk.</div>
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<b>8) Tien Son Cave in Phong Nha Ke Bang National Park</b></div>
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Phong Nha Ke Bang National Park is another Natural Wonder of Vietnam, with hundreds of naturally formed caves. It lies close to the Ho Chi Minh Trail, which, in CIA's own confessions, is said to be one of the most superior and resilient military logistics routes ever. Despite the intense bombings that the American forces subjected the area to, often destroying its entire vegetation using Napalm fires, they were never able to stop the Viet Cong. The locals used the elaborate network of river beds and natural caves as hospitals, stores as well as supply routes shielded from the bombing. The problem with the terrain having watery mud and rice paddies was that the bombs never hit anything hard enough to explode, and thus, they still accidentally take lives of locals in the region. [<a href="https://wandereraroundtheworld.com/2015/03/09/the-minefields-of-phong-nha/" target="_blank">Click here</a> if you want to read more]</div>
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The picture shows light at the end of the tunnel, or cave in this situation. At the end is a thick cover of green protecting the mouth of the cave. It is a reminder of the protection our planet naturally offers our species. At the same time, it is also a symbol of hope for the people who have suffered the effects and after-effects of the war for many years.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">9) Children enjoying a cycle ride in Phong Nha Village</td></tr>
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<b>9) Children enjoying a cycle ride in Phong Nha Village</b></div>
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On the day I cycled 23 KMs to Bong Lai Valley from Phong Nha, I saw many children enjoy a cycle ride on this road by the river. In sharp contrast to the children who were born and lived with great difficulty (if they made it so far) during the war, these young Vietnamese have the opportunity to enjoy the small joys of childhood. </div>
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These children symbolize the hope there is for the future generations of Vietnam. Vietnam today is one of Asia's fastest-growing economy and like these children, races ahead on the path of economic change. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">10) The Road to Bong Lai Valley</td></tr>
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<b>10) The Road to Bong Lai Valley</b></div>
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Having never cycled long distance before, I completed this journey to Bong Lai Valley from Phong Nha Centre. Unlike the cities, rural Vietnam is incredibly clean. There was no patch with litter, no plastic waste that was visible, which left the setting uncorrupted. There was no man in sight in many stretches. The rural scenery along the path made me feel calm. </div>
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Personally, the path in many ways reflects the road ahead for me. I am sure it'll be full of twists and turns and ups and downs, but that is where I will grow and discover new sides of me. All it will take is courage and an open mind. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">11) The Ben Hai River Crossing</td></tr>
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<b>11) The Ben Hai River Crossing</b></div>
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Sitting on the 17th Parallel, the Ben Hai River became a convenient point for the country to be split, because it is where Vietnam is the narrowest in terms of spread. The Bridge itself was coloured differently for the part that belongs to the North and the part that belonged to the South. The flag post was built and rebuilt many times to make sure it exceeded the flag on the other side. </div>
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This region saw some of the heaviest fightings during the war. The Americans tried their best to prevent people and goods from crossing over the border, but the Vietnamese were ingenious in their use of a sophisticated network of manmade tunnels to ensure their survival. </div>
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Walking this bridge in those days would have meant courting sure-shot trouble, even death. However, I was able to walk it as a free man. It reflects my privilege of free movement within and across countries today that I so often take for granted. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">12) The Sunset over the Perfume River in Hue</td></tr>
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<b>12) The Sunset over the Perfume River in Hue</b></div>
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They say 'to know a city is to walk its bridges' and this, like the Long Bein Bridge, is another architectural creation that has seen a lot. This is a sunset in Hue with the Perfume River and the Truong Tien Bridge in the foreground. The name means 'mint-factory', given the bridge was built right next to one. This bridge has been destroyed and rebuilt over three different wars. However, today, it offers inspirations for artists and photographers, with many girls wearing the traditional Ao Dai taking pictures on the bridge. In my ways, the Bridge symbolizes Vietnam's costly and hard-earned peace after over a century of wars.</div>
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To me, this picture also was reflective of my return to watching sunsets and sunrises. I saw one in every single city I visited and found them to be extremely energizing. Like writing and photography, this is something I want to continue finding time for. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">13) The Royal Theatre in Imperial City</td></tr>
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<b>13) The Royal Theatre in Imperial City</b></div>
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I had so far heard the word "Imperial City" only in movies until I visited one in the town of Hue. This is a photograph of its Royal Theatre. The home of the Nguyen Dynasty that ruled Vietnam from the mid-16th Century till the arrival of the French. Like the bridge, this elaborate complex, made of palaces, great halls, temples, residences, etc was largely destroyed due to the wars of the 19th-20th Century. However, unlike in India, the Vietnamese state has spent money restoring and preserving this complex, part by part. Yes, the foreign visitor's fees are expensive, but when it is a job well done, the fees are worth paying. </div>
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Personally, I visited this complex on a rainy day, given it was the only day I had in the town. My own travel despite the rain in many ways reflected the continuity and resilience that the subject of this picture reflects. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">14) Assembly Hall of the Fujian Chinese Congregation</td></tr>
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<b>14) Assembly Hall of the Fujian Chinese Congregation</b></div>
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Hoi An used to be an ancient trading port used from the 16th to 19th Century. Different communities of shippers and traders from across the world had made Hoi An there home. These assembly halls were where people from one community would come together to socialize and to practice some of the traditions, making it a home away from home. This one was one of the five that was built by the Chinese, by the Fujian Chinese Community. It now functions as a temple.</div>
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The picture shot as a panorama captures the architectural structure against the blue skies. Unlike most other pagodas I visited, it seemed to lack symmetry as a whole complex. The individual components (like the pink gate) of the complex were still symmetrical. Also, the choice of colors was very distinct from the ones I typically saw in Vietnam, reflecting this site's distinct roots. </div>
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I wonder what it'll take for the modern nations to allow diversity to co-exist and heritage, with contrasts, to be preserved especially in a world where majoritarianism is taking over and the push is towards driving more singular narratives about identity and national pride. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">15) The Lanterns of Hoi An</td></tr>
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<b>15) The Lanterns of Hoi An</b></div>
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Hoi An has been preserved in its original state and layout thanks to the river that flowed in getting silted and being rendered useless for large vessels. The town is famous for its street market that is usually lit by these traditional lanterns. With its pastel yellow walls and the tungsten lighting, the town looks even prettier by the night. However, I felt that the thriving tourism here has taken away much of its old-world charm, with me finding it hard to find a moment for myself without being interrupted. </div>
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The girl in this picture was reviewing the photographs clicked by her friend against the backdrop of these lanterns, like the many tourists finding the perfect shot. I also think the back-lit image leaves you with a sense of mystery of what lies ahead. It is similar to Hoi An where the new and old are clashing, leaving you guessing what lies ahead for the town's identity.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">16) A fisherman casting his net in the Cam Thanh Fishing Village</td></tr>
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<b>16) A fisherman casting his net in the Cam Thanh Fishing Village</b></div>
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Most of Vietnam practices primary occupations, with fishing being one of them. Anyone who has seen Vietnamese street food would know why fishing is big here, given the extremely huge variety of options available to suit your palette. </div>
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In this picture, a fisherman wearing a sunhat is casting his net in the backwaters. However, he is not doing it to catch fish, but to demonstrate the process of casting the net to tourists like me. He repeats the action thrice in a span of 15 minutes for people to see. He even offered to let tourists try casting the net out themselves. It allowed me to capture the perfect shot, despite clicking on my phone. Each basket boat rider in return would tip him 7000-10000 dongs, a share of the rider's own profits. </div>
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I was glad the Vietnamese were able to convert some of their traditional practices into marketable, commercial experiences. Income is not easy to come by in Vietnam. It takes a lot of localized, community-based organizing to create authentic experiences that stand out for visitors. It takes much more openness and inclusivity to ensure the profits are shared with everyone contributing to creating the experience.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">17) Babies' Day Out on the Da Nang beach </td></tr>
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<b>17) Babies' Day Out on the Da Nang beach </b></div>
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The only other day I chose to wake up at 5 AM when I did not have a train, bus, flight to catch, was on this morning when I went to Da Nang beach. It was the Vietnamese Independence Day holiday and the beach was more crowded than I expected it to be at that hour. Among the many visitors were these twin babies, dressed in white one-piece suits. Their parents had brought them here for a photo-shoot. However, the babies, thanks to their cuteness and size, drew a lot of attention from passerbys, giving the parents little time to actually get the perfect shot. Amidst all the chaos, I was able to find one frame where the babies were undisturbed. </div>
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Every time I see the sea, I am filled with a sense of insignificance. I feel like a speck against the vast expanse of the water and the long horizon. However, I wished I could see what was going on in these babies' untouched brains. Maybe, they'll feel it is just like being in their mom's uterus. Maybe, they'll feel like "It is so much pee". I will never know, but I am glad to have shared this moment with them.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">18) The Clear Blues of Nha Trang Beach</td></tr>
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<b>18) The Clear Blues of Nha Trang Beach</b></div>
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I spent my last evening in Nha Trang by the beach. It didn't offer a sunset, given it faces east. However, it offered the perfect soft lighting to see the colors of the scene come alive. The blues of the water and the faces of the people enjoying it were crystal clear. Given the waves were a bit rough, I could see how they evoked different reactions in the beach-goers. Some seemed to be enjoying the challenge. Some felt a bit overwhelmed after a rough experience at the hands of a wave. Some others, like me, were just scared and chose to stand out and enjoy the view instead. </div>
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In this picture, I have captured two people in the first two categories - a girl, who was having fun, running to her friend, who was just a bit overwhelmed with the wave that hit her. The former was inviting the later to come back into the waters. All the fun they were having made my resolve to learn swimming even stronger. In the background, you can see the islands that are home to beautiful corals, that I have saved for the next time when I have learned to swim.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">19) Locals enjoying a conversation at a cafe at the Saigon book street<br />
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<b style="font-size: medium;">19) </b><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Locals enjoying a conversation at a cafe at the Saigon book street</b></span><b style="font-size: medium;"> </b></div>
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The Nguyễn Văn Bình street was different from the rest of Saigon. It was home to thousands of books - firsthand and secondhand, in English and Vietnamese. It was free of vehicular traffic. It was full of installations, sculptures, and beautifully-designed stores - with plenty of shade from the city's sunshine and insulation from the noise.</div>
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In this picture, I have captured a shot of a book-cafe. It shows people either solo, or in twos, threes and even large groups - engrossed in a book or a conversation. There was a quote put up in the background (not seen in the picture) - "Happiness is a cup of coffee and a really good book". I wholly agree. I wonder what it'll take for our generation to get away from our phones and gadgets and get back to real people and good books again. Personally, I want to continue reading books more diligently, like I did on this break.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">20) The Morning Rush against a Landmark of History<br />
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<b style="font-size: medium;">20) The Morning Rush against a Landmark of History</b></div>
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This is the Hotel Continental, Saigon. It was built in the late 19th century to provide the French, a home-like experience when they visited Vietnam. The heritage hotel has seen eminent guests, like Rabindranath Tagore (an Indian Poet, Artist, Polymath), Jacques Chirac (a French President) and Graham Greene (the author of The Quiet American, who wrote the book here). It has been a rendezvous point where journalists, correspondents, politicians, businessmen came together during the First Indochina War. During the Vietnam-America Wars, the hotel became the base office for some famous magazines like Times and Newsweek. </div>
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The picture captures the hotel in the backdrop of busy Saigon traffic. It, in many ways, reflects a city that is moving forward quickly but yet remembering, through these symbols, where it once came from. </div>
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Personally, I wonder what my own 'Hotel Continental' is - that has stood resolute watching my history with its twist and turns and marked key points on this journey. It is definitely people - not places - that have played this role for me. I am eternally grateful to them for this. It is also my camera that has captured some of these key moments of reflection and enlightenment for me.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-481194398108801922.post-44446997773704834402019-09-06T21:02:00.005+05:302019-09-06T21:02:59.137+05:30Vietnam Diaries (Day 19): Freedom Earned or Lost?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Based on my first impressions, I have seen Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City's Urban Districts) be a stark contrast from all the others I have visited in Vietnam. It beats all the others, including the capital, Hanoi, in terms of the pace (10x) as well as <a href="https://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=Vietnam&city1=Ho+Chi+Minh+City&country2=Vietnam&city2=Hanoi" target="_blank">the cost of living</a>. It is also, by far, the most Westernized of the eight cities or towns I have been to, with even your average street peddlers talking to you in broken English, people dressing up in sync with international fashion trends and many of the major global companies having a visible presence here. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kXGcIzi7S48/XXJ5ZUotSGI/AAAAAAAA-TA/3MX8sJsVBKgeHJGO2-93t9BAytPGtJjeQCKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0443.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kXGcIzi7S48/XXJ5ZUotSGI/AAAAAAAA-TA/3MX8sJsVBKgeHJGO2-93t9BAytPGtJjeQCKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0443.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">An Unbeatable Pace</td></tr>
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<br />All cosmetic factors aside, I have also felt the people are cool and distant, unlike all other cities where I felt welcomed and at home. This might be one of the reasons it is called the Paris of the Orient (I love Paris, but it does not have the warmest people in the world). Given my two days of immersion in local history through museums and reading a memoir of a war survivor, I am wondering why this might be the case. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9dN94CFWKc0/XXJ5j7mAhRI/AAAAAAAA-TE/QcnOb73aXfA2pB8274_IaiugS81YfLwQACKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0448.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-9dN94CFWKc0/XXJ5j7mAhRI/AAAAAAAA-TE/QcnOb73aXfA2pB8274_IaiugS81YfLwQACKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0448.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look busy and suave, but keep the stranger at bay</td></tr>
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<br />Firstly, Saigon was the capital of French Indochina (including Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam) for nearly four decades till 1937. Secondly, Saigon was the capital of the Republic of Vietnam from 1954-1975 after the Geneva Accords, with strong American influence. </div>
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The sheer act of foreign presence in the region has an influence on the people. Being exposed to their ways and culture for decades increases the chances of you, under the right conditions, adopting them. I have found this to be especially true when the own history of the place is an amalgamation of many diverse people. As a corollary, despite having similar exposure to the British, Mumbai and Delhi are far more westernized than Calcutta or Chennai. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uTLyW7FBXVk/XXJ58LJFJWI/AAAAAAAA-TQ/o3aqBltlruAgyN9BFvVxsxiQeToiY2ftwCKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0033.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uTLyW7FBXVk/XXJ58LJFJWI/AAAAAAAA-TQ/o3aqBltlruAgyN9BFvVxsxiQeToiY2ftwCKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0033.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Erstwhile Cabinet Room, or the REAL seat of power [pre-1975]</td></tr>
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<br />During the war with America, many Vietnamese were caught between the Viet Cong, that required the people to demonstrate fealty to them and the American and South Vietnamese troop, who were growing increasingly concerned about Viet Cong's increasing local influence in the region. To avoid unnecessary attention, the lesser that was said and known about someone, the better. </div>
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Le Ly Hayslip captures this beautifully in her memoir "Life in the village had gone from love and distrust of no one to fear and mistrust of everyone, including our neighbors. It was okay to visit your friends and relatives, but if you stayed too long, the cadre leaders were sure to ask you about it later. If you stopped for a ladle of water, they asked why you chose to stop at that particular house." </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fw9CAEguqEk/XXJ6X7H3LJI/AAAAAAAA-Tc/IRKItDNsN8AkYIRdL_7YPTOco2k9NdvXACKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0106.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Fw9CAEguqEk/XXJ6X7H3LJI/AAAAAAAA-Tc/IRKItDNsN8AkYIRdL_7YPTOco2k9NdvXACKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0106.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You either die a hero or live long enough to become a villain: President Ngo Dinh Diem just became another autocrat replacing a foreign one [pre-1975]</td></tr>
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What made it worse for the people of this city was that they were marked using systemic identification and discriminated against by the new Communist government, despite the fact that the reunification required unbiased and equitable rights and opportunities for everyone. For instance, to avail social benefits, the people were required to move to 're-education camps' outside the city. <span style="text-align: left;">Following the end of the war, according to official and non-official estimates, between 200,000 and 300,000 South Vietnamese were sent to the camps, where many endured torture, starvation, and disease while being forced to perform hard labor. Of course, I explored this more after reading the book on this <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Communism_in_Vietnam" target="_blank">Wikipedia</a> page, given no public museum will allow the narrative of those government to be tarnished. </span></div>
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When the government doesn't care about you and systemically acts to take away what was rightfully yours, you'll take all precautions to not become a victim in the system. You'll operate with caution and you'll strictly separate what personal and professional is. If pragmatism requires you to be selfish, then so be it. </div>
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Having led a team, I know that psychological safety is the founding pillar of culture in any team. There is plentiful and compelling research that talks about psychological safety as a first step (see <a href="https://rework.withgoogle.com/blog/creating-a-high-trust-performance-culture/" target="_blank">Google Re:Work's research</a>; <a href="https://simonsinek.com/discover/why-good-leaders-make-you-feel-safe/" target="_blank">Simon Sinek's TED Talk</a> or even Patrick Lencioni's book <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Dysfunctions_of_a_Team" target="_blank">on the Five Dysfunctions of a Team</a>). I have seen it have compounding negating effects where trust is low and compounding positive effects where trust is high in relationships. And trust in individual relationships is built when the environment you create is conducive for it. </div>
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While you can't scale the same research to the level of a country, you can only imagine how much more complex the problem is. You don't see and know the people in power, unlike your boss. Not just work, but all actions of your life may be under scrutiny. Any set ways of working are reinforced in thousands of big and small ways by other factors and thus, changing them requires changes in all of these factors. To illustrate my point, freedom of speech by itself is of no use when other conditions, like free, fair and inclusive elections don't exist. </div>
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<tr><td><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-74K_oKAccZ8/XXJ7WePGhxI/AAAAAAAA-To/WNzxyXfR0bYtWdsW1AfVZwMaERPIgXgBQCKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0459.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-74K_oKAccZ8/XXJ7WePGhxI/AAAAAAAA-To/WNzxyXfR0bYtWdsW1AfVZwMaERPIgXgBQCKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0459.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Saigon's Central Post Office is so beautiful that it in itself is a reason to write to someone!</td></tr>
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<br />The evolutionary advantage of human beings was to leverage communication to form communities, based on shared symbols, myths, and ideas (like a nation, religion, etc). If we take away the ability to let these ideas evolve through constant, occasionally conflicting dialogue, then our ability to mobilize even larger communities is going to become more and more limited. However, with challenges like climate change and terrorism, it is the need of the hour for the global communities to form and rise.</div>
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Returning from my digression back to the people of Saigon, I just want to say that while you appear cool and distant, I understand your reasons. I may have done the same if I were you.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a6wsaKm5sUI/XXJ704-XtxI/AAAAAAAA-Tw/evqMrxGiRaUlV_RDCkRIlx9RHxW_ZkLCACKgBGAs/s1600/DSC_0006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-a6wsaKm5sUI/XXJ704-XtxI/AAAAAAAA-Tw/evqMrxGiRaUlV_RDCkRIlx9RHxW_ZkLCACKgBGAs/s400/DSC_0006.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What are you thinking? I cannot read your mind. </td></tr>
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