Whisperings Of The Shadows

Death – Our Constant Companion

2011-12-16T07:57:00.002Z

‘Death’ – The FIVE letter word of immense truth and credibility. The power He exerts over each and every one of us is unbeatable. No matter ‘what you are’, ‘where you are’, ‘how you are’, He is with you. He may be on your right. Or on your left. It doesn’t matter whether you are lonely or you are surrounded with your loved ones. He can bear down upon you in a nanosecond.

He has that impressive aura about Him which you cannot quite point your finger at. He is so straight forward. He doesn’t give you any false promises. He doesn’t give a damn whether you are sick or healthy/ poor or rich/ willing or unwilling.

So the real question here is, should we be afraid and running for covers (and save ourselves) from the impending doom? My answer would be a NO. If He decides to make His entry, He is sure never to leave without you. You are beautiful to Him. Utterly desirable and vulnerable. No matter how you disguise yourself, He is sure to find you.

But DO NOT expect more than a mere brush of emotions from Him. He will be tantalizingly chilling and would evoke not more than a minute’s unavoidable pain in you. Once He has set his eyes and hands on you, you cannot distract Him, for He will definitely not be fooled.

Allah says in Holy Quran:

"Every soul shall have taste of death; in the end to us shall ye be brought back”
(Surah Al-'Ankabut; The Spider 29:57)

Is it true that people who are at the gateway of the Death Valley would be able to see Him? Is that why their eyes round in wonder (mark me, ‘wonder’ and not ‘horror’)? So, would not it be true that once they meet the person in question, they are so drawn to Him that they do not want to take the step back? Not to leave us? Weeping and broken? Such is the power of the Angel of Death. I haste to believe that once they make the decision, it is once and for all. Their temptation to see what lies BEYOND would be incomparable to what they are leaving BEHIND. But alas, what they see in their new world, I have got no clue. All I know is, Death is a journey to your final destination.

If there is one thing in this world which is of 100% surety, that is HIM. Death – The FIVE letter delicacy. I know He is smiling at you and me at this very moment.

Every man dies - Not every man lives!!!

My Memorable Days at DTSS

2011-07-22T15:23:00.006+01:00

I used to think doing an engineering course was the greatest challenge in my life. With around 56 university exams and more than 150 odd assignments, B.Tech did chart number “1” position till recently. But life had much more in store for me. That is the day when I joined as an intern at DTSS, short for Dusters Total Solutions Services, under the HR wing.

The first day was definitely a memorable one. On reaching the office sharply at 09.00 a.m., after hanging on to my dear life in the ever crowded local trains of Mumbai, I sat down to catch my breath. Promptly, I asked for a glass of cold water. Well, trying to create a good impression was no more in my agenda after all the sweat and dirt sticking on to my ‘once’ clean formal shirt. The HR Manager ‘Miss L’, who was also our Company Guide, arrived with the tut-tut tapping of her heels. How does she even manage to wear high heels in the train, remains a mystery to me.

After yet another brief introduction, she disclosed the fact we (me and Preeti, my fellow classmate and yet another intern at DTSS) were there to do some really ‘serious’ work which no one has attempted in DTSS. Oh please! I looked at Preeti with a sly smile and she nodded back knowingly. That all-knowing look meant “Girl, we are here to do an ‘excavation’ of long forgotten foundations of which now only ruins remain!” Miss L continued with an enthusiasm which encouraged us to the breaking point. She filled us in about the space constraint in the office for which we dutifully looked doleful. The magnitude of the consequence of such a constraint didn’t occur to me at all, till the moment she explained to us we were supposed to work from home.

WHAT THE HELL??!! Wow…

I cleared the excited look from my eyes fast enough before Miss L noticed and blurted out before Preeti could even digest the news “Oh ma’am that would be great; we can work without the exhaustion of travel!” I gave a big-tooth smile and steered the conversation to another area before the Manager could change her mind. Monday was set as our weekly reporting day.

We became ‘the stars’ overnight. Anyone and everyone who heard the news said in awe (not forgetting ‘jealousy’) “Work-from-home culture? Bloody Hell!” Hence began my LIFE at DTSS. (Sigh!)

Although I have to give credits to the organization for providing me and Preeti with formidable projects (which ran right across one of the pillars of Human Resource Management – Recruitment and Induction), life was about to start a roller coaster ride with both of us being the ONLY riders.

Although my first project, which was to do an Induction Effectiveness Survey on the orientation program currently prevalent in the organization and subsequently prepare a more effective module started off well, it trotted on to a sad note. My enthusiasm soon wore off. Work-from-home culture is a bitch! I could do anything as I pleased (that is if I did anything at all!). Preeti introduced me to the world of Fringe (a TV series) which ate most of my nights. But during the day time, I turned to another newly found love of mine. City Ville. Thank you Face Book. My addiction to City Ville grew steadily. I sent and received mystery gifts from my neighbors regularly (only the other addicts can understand what I meant). My induction module remained a Mystery to me which I hoped fervently someone would Gift me soon.

The month of May soon gave way to the rainy June. With the advent of June, trains not only became overbearingly crowded, but they stank also. This was when our HR Manager sold us out to ‘Mr. S’, the Manager for Man Power Planning. She said without much preamble one fine Monday, “You guys will be assisting Mr. S in a Recruitment project.” I had somehow managed to complete my first project by then. With the introduction of the new boss who expected us to come to office every day, I hoped to put a full stop to my monotonous life. I was initially thrilled to know that our Recruitment project is under the Great M.D. itself, who was a charismatic man. I attended my first ever Board Meeting that day. In all my excitement to be in the Board Room, I forgot to take the minutes of meeting (which I was supposedly doing!).

After 2 days of working on the project, we were done with almost everything (surprisingly!). Life plummeted down the drains again. Travelling in the local trains and getting down at Govandi (one of the largest dumping grounds in Mumbai) was exactly what I needed. (Pun Intended!). Mr. S told us one Friday evening to come on Monday morning sharp at 09.00 a.m. to attend a client meeting. Monday arrived swiftly and we reported at the office just 15 minutes late! Well, it wasn’t our problem. The trains were running late, according to Preeti. I didn’t have the heart to disagree.

The meeting which was to start sharply at 10.00 a.m. never came. Mr. S was also nowhere to be seen. We were being kicked from one room to another. In the morning, we were sitting in the Conference Room followed by the V.P of H.R’s room until finally we were handed down to the Visitors Room (Space Constraint, my foot!). We had NOTHING to do than acting as part of the decorations in the room. Other fellow people in the office looked at us with such rueful expressions that I could taste ‘Hatred’ in my throat.

At 6, my level of endurance touched eccentric marks. I decided to act, though it was late. Well, better late than NEVER. I didn’t want to sleep in the Visitors Room. Since I did not trust myself to have a one-to-one conversation with him, I kept it short and simple. I SMSed him. “We are leaving!. Waited for NINE hours!”

Our Company Guide sensed our reluctance to work under him and assigned us MIS works, which was far more interesting than killing mosquitoes. It was with a relief I welcomed the end of June. I looked straight into the dull eyes of Mr. S and announced “Sir, this is our LAST day here!” I noted with satisfaction the surprise there before he blurted out “But, I have more work for you guys!” Well, better luck next time buddy. I am SO out of here.

The results of our project may be used to build up strong foundations for the company. Or they may join the ruins. Either way, All The Very Best DTSS.

Thirty Eight Years and Still Counting!

2011-03-20T07:31:00.008Z

P.S. Those who are not used to VULGAR language, please back off!

I am sure 80% of those who are reading this currently are aware of the term “Euthanasia”. In biological terms, it can be defined as “Deliberate and intentional killing of a human being by a direct action, such as a lethal injection, or by the failure to perform even the most basic medical care such as the provision of nutrition and hydration, necessary to maintain life.”

Well, I am no one to speak in terms of biology. But what prompted me to write on this topic is the controversy on Aruna Shanbaug. For all those amongst you who don’t know the details, here is a recap. She is Ms. Controversy (What else should I call a poor woman who lists the top of Popularity Charts?). Some people become popular by achievements. But here is a lady who did nothing (not taking into account WHAT was DONE to her!) but still is immeasurably FAMOUS. The MAN (Can I use this term or should I coin another term to describe the NOBLE person?) who achieve ably helped her maintain the top slot of famous personalities, is nowhere around. By the way, WHERE exactly is HE? Good question, right? Somewhere in Delhi, I hear. He is Mr. Honorable. Mr. Sohanlal Bhartha Walmiki. The bloody SOB.

Aruna, a nurse from Haldipur, Shimoga, Karnataka, was brutally assaulted by Sohanlal Bhartha Walmiki, a ward BOY (SOB) at Mumbai’s King Edward Memorial Hospital on Nov 27, 1973, as she was changing her clothes in the basement of the hospital. ‘Brutally assaulted’ do not convey the intended meaning. English dictionary should have more BRUTAL words. Imagine Mr. Honorable finding out, to his sheer frustration, that the lady of his selection is having her monthly flow! But he is aroused! Nothing can stop him now. He wants to let OUT his seed. He is ALL-SET-TO-GO! Just a slight change in his plans. He tightens the dog chain he had brought along with him on her sensitive neck and turns her back towards him. In our language, he changed his POSITION. He sodomized her. Poor woman (She was 25 at that time!) writhed in pain and bled copiously from both sides.

By this time, her lungs have all but collapsed in agony, the blood vessels in her eyes have hemorrhaged, and coagulated blood fills her unseeing eyes. Unseeing, because her brain has been deprived of oxygen so long that it has rebelled and excommunicated her eyes. However, in the mysterious manner of the wondrous laws of our ‘God’, the nerves in her body which are responsible for transmitting pain still do their job. Very efficiently. They dutifully, indeed beautifully transmit the fire from each thrust into her rectum, each rupture of her anus, each scream from each cell of her burning lungs.

Meanwhile, the ‘man’ behind continues his assault, indeed increasing the power behind his brutal thrusts as he nears his long fantasized release. The end is so frenzied that it is impossible to understand which one is the animal on either end of the dog chain. His grip on the dog chain around her throat slackens. He hurriedly pulls up his pants, spits on her limp body, and runs out of the basement. But not before he took her gold chain, watch, and money with him.

She was alone again. But this time, she didn’t even know it. All she knew was the pain which shot up from every corner of her battered body, even from places she didn’t even know existed. Walmiki attacked Aruna as she had ordered him about and had castigated him for sloppy work. What a wonderful way of payback!

She has been in a vegetative state ever since, without knowing who she is, where she is or how she ended up in this state. She rests in the same hospital where she was ambushed. She screams at the voice of a man, the last living memory she had. She is a woman who had to give up her entire life, her dreams for a five-minute pleasure of an animal!

The case made headlines, there was national outrage. Sohanlal was arrested in Pune. His case came for hearing the following year by which time, he had already spent a year in jail. He was sentenced to seven years imprisonment for stealing, and another seven years for having tried to harm her fatally. Both sentences were to run concurrently. As he had already spent a year behind bars, six years later, he was a free man. He took up a job as a ward boy in a Delhi hospital.

He was never tried for rape because no one had lodged a complaint and during the medical examination, Aruna's hymen was found intact. The court decided there was no rape.

She was engaged to a doctor at that time. He tried reviving her for two years and gave up. Her parents had given her up long back. Her assaulter is STILL living amongst US proudly. God knows assaulting how many others! Sadly, it’s just ANOTHER case because there are MANY others. INNUMERABLE. How many of these has come into light? Even if they did come into light, how many of those POOR GIRLS got justice? A mere number which can be counted on your fingers.

Coming back to the topic of Euthanasia, LIFE is a GIFT from The Almighty. We, humans, are no one to take back what is given by HIM. But… Oh God! Just a silent plea from my part. Can’t you see HER pain? Can't you see HER agony?

N.B. Are you aware of the fact, in every six minutes, a girl is brutally raped and killed in India?

An Unforgettable Expedition

2011-03-07T16:56:00.001Z

18-01-2011
08.50 p.m.

After so many hassles and bustles, I bade goodbye to my friends who had come to drop me at station and settled down on my berth. It was frustratingly suffocating the past few days. Not being able to see my parents and my bro for a long time was eating me from within. So without any second thoughts, I booked myself a ticket on the Duronto express. It was the express’ first journey. (It travelled upto Ernakulam only.) I was to take a connecting passenger from Ernakulam to my place at exactly 06.00 p.m. in the evening.) The express was supposed to reach Ernakulam latest by 05.40 p.m. (after almost 20 hours of journey) – Hopefully!

The greatest plus-point of this journey was that I got the entire coupe all for myself. It was like having a room for yourself. Since the train was ‘supposedly’ supposed to give all the passengers with food, I hadn’t carried my dinner with me. It was 09.30 p.m. and I was impatiently waiting for the food to arrive (where food is concerned, I was always impatient – a fact you cannot realize after seeing my negligible size). It was then only I overheard someone talking about getting no dinner because it was already past dinner time. I felt shattered. (Seriously yaar!)

Well, God (as well as the express’ pantry guys) had already decided my fate. I was to starve that night. I drifted off to a blissful sleep where I dreamt of four-course meals and desserts.

19-01-2011
07.45 a.m.

I woke up with a start because of the non-committal chanting of ‘Madam’. I opened one of my eyes slowly to find a pantry guy standing by my legs. He was waiting with a tray which contained my morning coffee. It was enough to snap my both eyes fully open. I was really starving. He collected my breakfast preference and left. I looked at my tray with longing eyes only to groan inwardly. Tragedy after tragedy was striking my already tragic life. How on earth was I supposed to know these guys only gave the coffee mix and hot water? Hell! The outcome of my hard work turned out to be bitter sweet. I made a mental note to take guidelines from my mum as soon as I reach home.

After my breakfast I stretched out on my seat with “The Doomsday Conspiracy”. It was sometime later when I was again woken up abruptly by the same pantry guy. I think he had made it a point to scare the hell out of me. I forgave him since it was for the order of my lunch. Grr… The lunch menu comes under the ‘forgettable moments’ of my life. It deserves no worth to be on my post.

The train which was supposed to take only “20 HOURS” to reach Ernakulam took almost “22 HOURS” to see the destination station. I reached the station at around 07.15 p.m. I was exhausted to my fill and just wanted to get home (which was still 3 hours away by train). And fortunately, no thanx to Duronto, I missed my connection passenger and it left the station without me. Hurray!

I took a ‘fast passenger’ (only by name) and reached my home huffing and puffing (as early as 11.30 p.m. in the night) and saw the much awaited sight of my life. My mother’s face! It erased all the exhaustion of my sizzling journey out of me and I could feel warmth spreading through every cell of my body.

Here is something what I was waiting for!
Here is someone who I was dying to meet!
Here is my home, sweet home!

The Tale Of Ramayana

2011-01-06T18:09:00.007Z

“Am I dreaming? Or have the Ramayana epic come alive in front of my eyes?”

The unknown-boy from Retail Marketing batch rubbed his eyes and looked all over SIX of us yet again.

Then he nudged the closest one next to him. “Can you see what I am seeing?”

“Definitely!” was the reply.

I smiled watching their reactions. Well, me and my group mates have been getting the same kind of responses from everyone we met since we stepped out from our hiding area(which was the 3rd floor of our college building and precisely at that moment, we were on the 2nd floor, in front of our class).

I know, you might be thinking what this girl is trying to prove. I have my own sweet reason to prolong the suspense. That is one of the days I hold close to my heart, not just because of the fun quotient it provided to me. Actually I cannot pinpoint and choose a reason why it was great. It simply was. INEXPLICABLE.

It was the 7th of December 2010. My MBA life has given me a lot of reasons to smile. This one tops the chart. It was the day for our final Business Communication presentation. Each of the 10 groups in the class had had a different thing to present. My group (Group 7) had the most embarrassing of the lot. We had FANCY DRESS. We were the laughing stock of our batch since the topics were allotted. Even we made fun of ourselves thinking about our fate. We had absolutely no CLUE at that point of time that this particular day would etch itself in each of our hearts.

It was Ketki, in our group, who came up with the whole Ramayana idea. We decided to put it into action. As there were six members in my group (5 girls and a guy), we selected Rama, Lakshman, Sita, Hanuman, Raavan and Surpanaka from the epic to enact. Then came the initial conflict on who will enact whom. Chit system was used to solve this issue. The next step was to get the costume. We visited a nearby costume shop and selected the required costumes.

On the DOOMS DAY, all six of us came early and started our ritual. Getting dressed was one hell of a job. We put make-up to each other. It was pure FUN TIME. We had the time of our lives looking at each other and laughing our heads off. The most difficult problem arose when it was time to get out and face other batch mates. We mustered up our courage and caught the lift down. The Hanuman in our group kept shooting ugly glances at her newly sprouted tail. I was scared myself that I would hit someone with the arrow on my shoulder hilt (I was Lakshman, you see). As soon as we entered our class, silence fell. I knew then that we scored in their hearts.

From Left: Mayuri Pawar, Ketki Pitale, Shruti Singh, Sagnik Mukhopadhyay, Sajna V Koya, Swati Verma

We managed to get 8.5 out of 10 in that activity but it spoke much more than the marks. We gained recognition as the Ramayana Group of the class. As a group, we had had our own share of fights regarding many issues in that activity but finally it was the group work that stood out. Kudos GROUP 7. Love you all.

"Among Life's precious jewels,
Genuine and rare,
The one that we call friendship
Has worth beyond compare."

TODAY

2010-09-03T18:15:00.003+01:00

I know. I know. I KNOW. It’s been so long since I posted anything. Hey I have a valid reason yaar. I didn’t have access to a laptop (neither a desktop in that case). And in those times when I went to a café, it was purely for study-related matters. For those of you who don’t know, I am currently doing my PG in MBA from Institute For Technology & Management, Navi Mumbai. And yeah… I got my laptop today. I promise I will keep you engaged. Thank you for the support, guys.

Do read and comment on my new post below.

My Journey To The 'Sixth' Floor

2010-09-03T13:03:00.002+01:00

It was not just another usual day. It was one of those f***ing days with a double exam looming over my head. My head was fuming because of the ‘formulae-one’ racing in my head (the first exam being ‘Mathematics’). It was almost 8 in the morning and I along with my flat mates (every one except for Priyanka, she was skipping the whole tiring process of breakfast) almost ran to the mess hall. "Oooh………" That was the collective response from every one of us seeing the menu for breakfast. It was Pav-Bhaji (Well… Even though it tasted good in the initial days, now I am quite bored of all these… No offense, but I really want some good South Indian food!).

Now to continue with my story, the bhaji was also fuming at us (Hell… Give us a break!). I somehow managed to gulp down two pieces of pav and was leaving the hall for the 8.20 a.m. bus to the college (we have shuttle service of bus to and from the college, you see), when I remembered I hadn’t taken my library text which was to be returned that God-Forbidden day. It was already 8.19 a.m. as per my watch. I decided to return it the next day and casually asked Anamika (my flat mate) the fine for late return. She replied ‘I think its 5 per day!’ “FIVE??!” At that moment I didn’t feel like wasting my golden five rupee coin for NOTHING. I ran back to take the elevator to my floor, which was the ‘6^th’.

Usually (Again!), there were two lifts. But that specific day, one of them decided to take a ‘break’. So my only option was to wait for the only lift which had taken up the extra load for I wasn’t ready to climb a dozen fleet of stairs (Please!). I pressed the indicator button and waited quite patiently (Grr...). It finally sputtered in front of me and opened its doors. Thank you savior! I jumped right in and pressed the button to my floor, hoping all the while no one else would press the button along my journey to the sixth floor.

After what seemed like hours, it came to a stop. As soon as I got out, I saw the door to my flat wide open. I ran in. I stopped in midst to my room to check the geyser mains (we were to switch off the mains of the geyser every day before we leave), but the goddamn lid of the mains was not coming loose. I fought with it for a moment, thinking all the while it hadn’t had any problem in the morning. I cursed the mains quite violently and ran off to Priyanka’s room screaming for her “Priyaaaaaaaaaa….!” And stopped in short. There was no Priyanka. Instead there were three unfamiliar faces staring at me.

I could feel my mouth gaping open. What The HELL!

I asked them: Where is Priyanka?

All three of them: Which Priyanka? There is no Priyanka here!

I thought I had some problem with my hearing or was it my brain playing tricks on me? No way! It was too exhausted even to think properly. In short, I was totally confused.

I gathered my muddled wits and shot back: What are you girls doing in my flat?

They seemed taken aback. Slowly they looked at each other and said in unison: Whose flat, did you say?

There! I could feel something clicking back into position slowly inside my head.

I asked in a small voice: Hmm… Ermm… This is….???

I left the sentence open for them. Hey come and fill up the blank, girls. Don’t just stand there looking at me as if am crackbrained. I knew the answer before they opened their mouths (Not exactly. Though I knew I was in the wrong flat and on the wrong floor!).

One of them answered: This is 42!

Oops… Mine was 62!!! In my haste, I had accidentally pressed the 4^th floor button and had ended up myself in a mess (It was a mess… At least for me!).

I managed to mumble an apology and shot off from the flat. And jumped straight into the lift which was thankfully on the right floor at the right time. As I sat down on my seat in the bus (At last!), I checked the time. It was only (NOTE WELL… ONLY!!) 8.21 a.m. It seemed every embarrassing moment happened in a matter of a few seconds but leaved a lifelong impression in our minds. If only… Those two minutes hadn’t happened. If only… I had taken my book without fail. If only…

The Shadows Speak!

2010-06-20T17:03:00.007+01:00

PAST:

27th April 2009

The last three days... It is keeping on happening to me... I have been having the same dream since the last three days... The same day broad light... Wails could be heard at regular intervals but they were subdued... People streaming all around me... But all the same, there was the same sense of peace of mind... My mind was calm... Though my lips were trembling... My heart rhythm was normal... Even though I was grieving I didn’t let it show...

I really have no idea of my purpose of being there in the middle of nowhere... But I guess it really wasn’t me… I don’t know who it was… I don’t know what to think… I could see three children in front of me… They looked so sad that my heart went out to them… But I was also in the same state of mind… I was also one among them…

The only problem was that I wasn’t sure whether they could see me!

PRESENT:

I was always an intuitive person. Things seemed to happen to me and somehow I always get the wind before-hand itself. I end up with a feeling of déjà-vu almost 98% of times. I keep asking myself whether I am psychic. Or in other words, Gifted? Hell… I really have no way of knowing the truth unless the God Almighty himself bestow upon me and show me the reality. I doubt whether I have the patience to wait till then! What the heck! I could use my Gift here.

My best friend’s mother was seriously ill at that period of time in the Past. Nevertheless, we were hopeful. Fucking hopeful. I sincerely believed his mother would live another 20 or 30 years. It was with unnerving clarity that I began having the aforementioned dreams. Each of the three nights, I woke up startled with the screams ringing hollowly in my ears. I have never felt so alone in my life. I somehow knew it was related to my friend’s mother. Well, don’t question how! Again, my Gift came into play. I wanted to confide the recurrence of the dreams with someone very badly. I seeked Anup’s help. He advised me not to breathe a word to Prashu (My best friend, of course!).

I heeded to his advice and kept silent for a few hours (that was the maximum I could do!). I rang Prashu up and related the whole matter to him. He was uncannily silent. I cursed myself. Again and Again.

Some days later, to be precise, a month later, his mother passed away. Everything was a blur in my mind in those days. Nothing really registered. He went to Haridwar to do the funeral obsequies. It was then everything became crystal clear in my mind’s eye. The place I saw in my dreams was Haridwar, the place where the River Ganga enters the Indo-Gangetic Plains of North India. Regarded as one of the seven holiest places to Hindus. Most of all, I feel the great need to mention the simple fact that, I have never been to this place. EVER. Still, I saw the lands and the structures which formed the place. Heard the wind. The noises. Am I really losing my marbles? No fucking idea! It was time to question my sanity.

Somehow, I believe, God was showing me Something. I hope he hadn’t. But, frankly, I have gotten used to these premonitions. They might end now. This minute. Or never. He alone knows!

PAST AGAIN:

My diary says…

N.B I hope to God that its nothing related to him. Please... I don’t want anything like that to happen now... I lost my peace of mind though my dream-self has it in abundance!

To Be Continued(Hopefully)…

Finally...

2010-06-10T17:20:00.007+01:00

Finally, my BTech life is over (hopefully!). The last four years were fun. Of course, there were times of uncertainty too. Which came in the form of ‘unwanted’ semester exams and all the more useless series exams. I still remember the day I first entered my hostel. Its still fresh in my memory. But the past four years flew by me. Of course, there is a load of memories waiting to get sorted in my mind. The things that have happened at the college... At the hostel… On the roads… Nothing can erase them, really. The first year passed by me rather slowly. The main events that occurred during this period was ‘getting to know him/her’. I was rather quiet and withdrawn (the exact opposite of my usual self!). The hostel life was altogether a new experience for me. Living among strangers was not exactly my idea of fun.

As the course progressed into its second year, I became acquainted with a majority of my classmates. My room mates were fun to be with. During the leisure time we had had at our hostel (which constituted the time from 8.00 pm to 9.30 pm), the eight of us in my room got together and used to talk about almost everything under the sun. The topics for discussion were never sparse. I can never really forget the time of study leave right before the exams. Except for the really painful job of writing the exams, the rest of the study time remained eventful. It was during this time that we really got into the ‘active’ stage.

The first few semester exams (we had a long line of 7 semester exams of 8 exams each!) were taken seriously and everyone tried to study and cover maximum portions as possible. By the time we got to the 8th semester exams, no one (no more) tried to waste much time in studies. It was a rather well-known fact that it is purely luck that guides us through the evaluation. The Kerala University was very keen on putting us through the worst conditions (even worse for the next batch of students to come, surely!) possible thereby making us viable to any situations.

As I look back, I can see the paths I have woven my life through. There were a lot of mistakes done. But more than the mistakes, I was myself these four years. I was home. As much as I loved my hostel life, we eight didn’t keep any outside contacts. We mostly kept to ourselves. We never bothered to talk to even the next door neighbors. They remained strangers all throughout the years. As I climbed the slope from the hostel to the main road on one of these final days, a few of my next room girls passed by me. As soon as they saw me, they started talking to me. I was dumb founded. As I bade them goodbye and moved on, l realized there were more things that I am going to miss. Even the ‘strangers’.

Everything has come to an end. The things left unfinished remain as such. Now, memories... They are all what I have got to carry myself onto the next path. God alone knows what awaits me there…

The things we did, the things we said

Keep coming back to me and make me smile again

You showed me how to face the truth

Everything that's good in me I owe to you!

Though the distance that's between us

Now may seem to be too far

It will never seperate us

Deep inside I know you are

Never gone, never far

In my heart is where you are!

Always close, everyday

Every step along the way

Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye

I know you will be forever in my life!

നീര്‍മിഴികള്‍

2010-05-25T10:27:00.003+01:00

അകലുവാന്‍ ആശിച്ച നിമിഷത്തെ
ശപിക്കുന്നു ഞാനിപ്പോഴും - കഴിഞ്ഞില്ല
നിന്നെ മറക്കുവാന്‍ എനിക്ക് - ഉടച്ചു
കളയുവാന്‍ നിന്നോര്‍മകളെ!

കാരണങ്ങള്‍ ഒരു കടലായ്‌ ഒഴുകി
എന്നുള്ളില്‍ നിന്നെ അകറ്റുവാന്‍ - ഒരു
പക്ഷെ - അതെന് വിധിയാകാം, നിന്നെ
ഞാന്‍ ഇപ്പോഴും പ്രണയിക്കുന്നു.

പ്രണയം ഒരു ‍തീക്കനല്‍ ആണെന്നറിഞ്ഞ
നിമിഷം വൈകിപ്പോയിരുന്നു - എന്നിരു
നാലും - കൈവിട്ടു പോയ നിന്നെ
തിരയാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ തുനിഞ്ഞില്ല.

എന്‍ മിഴികള്‍ നനയുന്നു - തുടയ്ക്കാന്‍
കഴിയുന്നില്ല - തിരമാലകളെക്കാള്‍ ശക്ത
മായ് ഒഴുകുന്നുവെന്‍ അശ്രുകണങ്ങള്‍
വരില്ലയോ നീ തിരികെ - സാന്ത്വനമേകാന്‍?

കാത്തിരിയ്ക്കുന്നു ഇപ്പോഴും ഞാന്‍ നിന്നെ
ആശ്വാസമേകാന്‍ വരില്ലയെന്നറിഞ്ഞിട്ടും
ഒരു നോക്ക് കാണാന്‍ - ഒന്നു തലോടാന്‍
എന്‍ നീര്‍മിഴികളെ തുടയ്ക്കാന്‍!

Well... This is my first attempt at a malayalam post. One of my favorite poems and this was written on 09.10.09. I don't know what prompted me to write it but all I know is I was feeling very depressed that particular night. Dedicated to all those who are waiting for their lost loved ones...

THE ‘DEMO’ DAY

2010-03-22T13:05:00.007Z

21st March 2010, Sunday

My college life is about to come to an end. My roommates and I were quite sure that of all the people we were the ones who are going to miss college life the most. Mainly because of the depth in our relationships which was a result of close proximity to each other 24 hours a day. All that is left to us in our college: A Week. It was almost 830 in the night when one of us came up with the idea of celebrating the demo day on the very next day. Without further ado, we began our work. The first step was to message everyone in the class and let them know of our plan. The message read:

“Demo week starts…
Tomorrow is ‘pandi’ day. Please wear contrasting colored dress (Ladies: Differently colored top, bottom and shawl. Pick some flowers or ribbon also. Gents: Pandi color shirt and informal pants or ‘mundu’). Please forward to all. “

22nd March 2010, Monday

The final week of our college life began. I woke up precisely at 7.27 am. I was shocked. The mess bell rings at 7.30 am and I haven’t even brushed. To my utter dismay (and relief), I saw the beds next to me were also occupied (Rasmi and Lakshmi were in a sound sleep). I shook both of them and mumbled “7.30!” By 8.15 am, all six of us in our room filled back into our after the hefty breakfast and frantically started our work.

The work consisted mainly of selecting ultra-kuthara combination of churidar pieces. All of us opened our bags and began pulling out contrasting colored pieces of dress materials. The favorite pick of the day was a combination of bright yellow and red. Everyone was holding onto a number of materials and no one had any idea what exactly to do. The first successful pair of the day came from Deepa. She chose a yellow top, blue bottom and red shawl. In all the hustle and bustle, we didn’t know the clock running fast towards the deadline of 9.00am (The time our class begins!).

Still a large number among us were unsure of what to wear. After trying out a number of tops, I decided on a maroon top of mine in the end with a ‘matching’ blue bottom (which came from Rasmi) and a fluorescent green shawl (Preetha’s). All of us were attired and then it was the time for makeup. I produced a large box of bangles from my cupboard (which was deeply buried among a pile of debris!). Nonetheless, everyone had a field day choosing the right combinations of bangles to go with our dress. We tied our hair on both sides of our head to add to the comic effect. It was then Ranju came up with the nose ring. Surprisingly, it added effect to her pandi looks and she almost resembled one.

By 9.30 am, we reached college (Luckily enough the college is just a short walk from our hostel). Most of us were embarrassed by the time we reached the gates of the college. As we entered the class room we could feel almost everyone’s eyes on us. We were quite a sight, to be frank! We were very confident by the time we took our seats that we resembled street singers. But I was level headed enough to notice that we were the only ones in the whole class (the WHOLE fucking class!) in the Demo wear. The only exception was Darsu who imitated our doings almost 90 percent of the time. Thanks to her. We had at least one day scholar to hide our disappointment.

Shortly after we were joined by six more of the girls and we decided to give it a shot in the lunch break hour. Many of the guys came to hold ‘talks’ with us with an excuse of ‘no suitable dress’ and tried to discourage us from the sacred act of celebrating the demo. None of us wavered from our decision. It was almost close to 1.00 pm when we started our ‘show’. We visited three junior classes and shouted at the top of our voice “S8 IT Ki... Jay!” We were on our way to our fourth class when I was summoned by a junior of mine. I thought, WTF! He started his boasting manner of speech (which lacked any manner, of course!) by saying we were doing a great sin of destroying the unity of our class by celebrating demo all by ourselves.

Well, for a moment I thought, Is this idiot my junior or am I HIS junior? He blabbered about all incoherent things for misleading us from our track. I was angry enough to snap his neck. If none of the other guys in the class could support us, why the fuck should we wait for them? To the hell with all the unity! It was then another girl among us intervened and solved the dispute by compromising the situation. We put a stop to getting into the classes and satisfied ourselves by posing for photos all around the college.

But to the six of us (my roommates and me), it was one hell of a day, with the right combination of fun and thrills. No one would ever taste the sweetness of the joy we shared in our dormitory. It will never ever fade from our minds. The others may or may not celebrate the Demo tomorrow or yet another day. But I am quite sure they would not even enjoy the “De” of the “Demo”!

SERENDIPITY

2010-02-25T15:35:00.006Z

During the early days of my adolescence, my attraction for a particular guy was very intense. The so called attraction steadily kept climbing the boards until it reached a penultimate stage. When it didn’t provide me with the desired results (weekend hangouts with the dream boy, sneaking off to see each other in between hours, and soon), it began its steep fall downloads. As my ever-confusing adolescent years slowly passed, he was no more than a speck somewhere deep in my memory. I agree with those who say that one cannot forget their first love (or rather crush!). Hey I join the club whole heartedly.

It was on one of those ill fated days well into my 3rd year that I came to know that this guy (Yeah! The same one who stole my heart many years back!) is doing his degree at a well-known college near my place. Everything about him, every minute details came rushing back and I could feel my face burning. I began my frantic search for his mobile number. I was blessed (Ahem!) with his number by one of my dear friends studying at the same institution as he is.

That particular night I did it. I messaged him. I waited and waited to gain zero results. Hell! What a sort of guy is this?! I used to ask this question a lot to myself during those tense days waiting for his reply. But none came. As the impatient creature as I am, I lost my patience and decided to give him a call. Now you can imagine how desperate I was to hear from him! It was the 19th of February 2009.

19th Feb 2009

Finally, I talked to ‘him’. Well... it was nice. A real nice cozy chat which extended for nearly half an hour. I had his number with me for quite some time now. But I never wanted to call him. Partly because I dint know how he would react to my call and partly because I had never talked to him before (this was a fragile reason I know). Nevertheless today something was making me very reckless. I decided to call him at half past 7. I dialed his number in my cordless and waited with bated breath. Someone answered my call in the 3rd ring. I heard a “Hello?” The moment the HELLO reached my ears I knew it was him. My heart picked up speed. I somehow managed to reply one too. The next second, the ‘over-confident’ girl in me woke up. She said “I don’t know if you remember me….?” I was expecting a simple ‘No’ when the voice at the other end said, rather crossly, “How am I supposed to know who you are unless you told me?” To tell you the truth I never expected such a response. In fact my heart was beating so fast that I could barely hear him (as though it knew these were its final moments).

Me: Hey why do you sound so rude?

Him: Rude? No am not.

Me: Yes, you are!

Him: Oh! I understood who you are... (My heart took a crazy lurch just then!) Sajna,
right?

Me: (I didn't know what to say. My mouth was dry.) Yes. You recognized me. Cool.

Him: I knew it’s you the moment I heard you!

Me: (WOW!!!) Hmm… So how is life going on?

There began our friendship. We began to chat regularly. But he was very difficult (True!). He would talk to me one day very coolly and the very next day he would act aloof. This was a standard procedure of his that I finally began to get used to. After all, I like introvert guys. It was towards July of the same year that he started being really rude to me and started avoiding me all together. It was very difficult for me. I tried very hard, but in vain, to get him to talk but he wouldn’t open up. It was then I decided to let him go. Why hold onto someone who doesn’t give a heck about me? I kicked him out of my mind eventually, with quite some exertion.

Months passed by so quickly. My final year is finally coming to an end. I rarely thought of ‘him’ now. But alas! Something or the other always seems to be happening in my life.

19th Feb 2010

I was talking to my roommate when my cell beeped. Against my usual enthusiasm in checking my texts as soon as receive them, this time I barely noticed it. I was tired after a long day. Precisely at 10.30 pm, it beeped again. It finally got my attention and I peeked into my cell. Yes. It was him. Both the times. It was almost close to 7 months since we have had any sort of serious contact. I replied him with less enthusiasm because I couldn’t come up with any. It was his reply that confused me.

Him: Please forgive me for my past behavior. Please.

Well, WTF! This was an unexpected call. I didn’t know whether to kick his ass or to console him. I chose the latter because I decided to play the saint. His further replies only deepened my confusion. He was begging for my mercy and expected me to forgive his mistakes and accept him as a new person. Well… I didn’t have to think twice. I forgave him completely and I welcomed him back.

He said: “You will be my friend from now onwards.”

The glacier has started to melt at last! That was my hope, actually. But he resorted to his standard procedure again.

There was something that went unnoticed by me at first. It was my lucky number again: 19th. And it was none other than the 19th of February.

S-E-R-E-N-D-I-P-I-T-Y: The fortunate occurrence of events by chance!
Were the events fortunate or not, I am yet to decide!

Fear For Love!

2010-02-04T11:51:00.001Z

The fear of losing you
Is eating me from inside
But I can’t help it
Not losing you
It was destined to be like this
I was destined to lose you
Again... All again!
But you were never mine
The past few years
When you came again
I wished to get you back
Again... Yet again!
Knowing it will be futile
But still... I wished
For you... Your presence
Your scent... And your touch
Which would bring pure bliss
To my soul as a whole!
I lost you for reasons
You believed against me
For I broke your trust
I know and I repent
Can I have another chance?

WHEN RELATIONSHIP WITHERS!

2009-12-12T12:06:00.010Z

Throughout my entire life, I have been relying a lot on my friends. One who has observed my life can say I have been close to my friends more than anyone else. Most of those with whom I have been friends with were in my ‘close’ league. While I was in my early teens, I could see people making friends and of course best friends quite easily. To them the bond could be established in no time. Even though I made quick friends I always made it sure that they ended up in my frontier line. Sometimes I couldn’t understand those who made best friends out of a whim. One day you are strangers and the very next day, ‘Hey, meet my best friend …’ I find it quite ironical. Because I believe close friends cannot come straight from heaven.

I have also seen best friends who ‘break-up’ due to extra ‘add-ons’. ‘Add-ons’ mostly came as a single package essentially termed as ‘Boy Friend’. One of the friends finally ends up with a gorgeous guy (dream of every girl!). The guy can be quite cool in the beginning. As time moves on, he may start disliking the ‘other’ best friend. He will express his dislike to his girl. The girl who has eyes for only the guy now begins finding faults with her all-time best friend. Eventually they break up. This scenario is not rare. Friendships have withered right in front of me due to these fragile reasons.

There are quite a number of types of friendships among us. The common case may be child hood friends. My collection in this field is limited because I was rooted from one place to another in my child hood. But still I have managed to maintain those few ties that I have made. It sure takes effort from both the ends. But such things are not impossible. In the present world, such things may be close to null. Another case will be of course school friends. The ones which we used to spend around 6-7 hours with. When I think back to my school days, I still feel a twinge in my heart. My heart craves for those care free times. Those days were heaven. Nonetheless I had found my everlasting friends during those times. The next category arises from our college days. But friendships made in such duration will be purely professional (not in every case! There are exceptions!). Life-long friends are rarely found from college. Even the whole ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ drama is based on professional ethics. Something which have to be thrown away after the designated years.

There was a time when I used to think close friends never leave us, no matter what. That they will stand by our side even if we hurt them beyond limits. I have had a lot of experience in this matter. I have been hurt and of course I have hurt people back too. I have had one such experience when I was in my 10th standard. Even though I was hurt and cheated on I am proud to say that I kept my cool. I could not confront the girl about this. The main reason being my inability to see her flounder in front of me. I didn’t want to get that particular satisfaction. The wound is still too fresh in my heart. I had pledged to myself that I would never hurt anyone in that manner. But of course, promises are made to be broken. I did hurt someone. Not just ‘someone’! One of my very close friends.

I still don’t know what had gotten onto me that particular day. I was completely in a havoc mood. I believe I wrecked everything between us with my behavior. Later on when I realized my mistake, it was too late. My friend was lost to me. I thought I could live with that. Myself always acting to be a tough one. But I couldn’t do that. The memories of our spotless friendship would drift back to me. I was completely wrought. Nothing was going right those days. Finally I was audacious enough to confront him. But nothing I did could break the ice. His words will always haunt me.

“Sachu… I used to love you more than anyone else. You were my bestest friend ever. The one and only. But I can’t come back. Too much have happened between us. Forgive me!”

Those were the days when I finally understood his importance in my life. Without him and his innocence, I would have reached nowhere in my life. He was my spine when I needed support and kindness. I couldn’t simply let him go. For all these reasons and much more, I began to repent my actions. The ice may melt but it might take ages. As the famous saying goes…

"FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE A CHINA CUP. ONCE BROKEN IT CAN BE MENDED. BUT THE CRACKS WILL ALWAYS REMAIN!”

IT BREAKS MY HEART!

2009-09-10T12:03:00.004+01:00

What really propelled me to write this is an incident which happened to me last time when I traveled in a transport bus. As usual, with hell lot of homesickness I left home that day. My mum and my bro accompanied me to the bus stand. I waited for my bus which would take me to my hostel. At 6 a.m., I boarded the bus. I had a heavy bag with me along with my laptop. I was staggering. With a lot of difficulty, I scanned the ladies’ seats. They were all occupied. I had no other option than to occupy a men’s seat. As I settled down, a man somewhere around his 50’s came and sat next to me. He looked expectantly at me as if he wanted to have a chat with me. I didn’t give him much notice because I was already feeling damn sleepy and was in no mood to converse. I dozed off sometime later.

I woke with a start when my cell rang. It was mum. I talked to her and was putting the cell back in my bag when the ‘Old Man’ made the first move!

Old Man: Mum?
Me: Yes!
Old Man: So where are you headed to?
Me: Trivandrum.
(Yawn! God… Why can’t he keep his mouth shut?!)
Old Man: Studying? Which course? Year?
The questions were coming as a torrent and I answered them quite patiently.

Old Man: I have a daughter of your age!
Me: That’s great uncle!

At last (Phew!), I feigned sleep and looked outside through the window (I was in the window seat). It was then the old man made his second move! He started caressing my left arm. This really took me by surprise. Well… This was no fatherly affection! I thought I was hallucinating and prayed to God that it would be so. But the balloon carrying my prayer to God burst right in front of me when it happened again. It was no mistake! I wrenched my arm away and glared at him. But, of course, he was oblivious to his surroundings. His hand was back on his lap. I settled back. At the same time, he readied his arms. He said: “Nice weather!” (Oh yeah! Great timing!) I checked the whole to see whether there is an empty seat. But to my luck (rotten), it was fairly crowded. He was about to take his third move when I took my cell and used my left hand to hold it and call my best friend. I started talking to him leaning forwards and the oldie had no other option than to wait for me to settle back. I maintained the same posture till I reached my place. When I finally got off the seat, I ‘accidentally’ stamped on his foot (Ouch!) and punched his nose. When I think about it now, I get a feeling that I should have shown the courage to slap him. I have a lot of rage in me.

First and foremost, what exactly does the transport minister think when he remodeled the bus seating arrangements? This gives, almost 70 percent of seats to men. Did he really think there would be enough seats for ladies? The whole transport system sucks. India has the ‘right to equality’ as one of its amendments. Isn’t this injustice? My second area of concern is… What real security does the girls in this country have, when there are persons who would even disgrace girls of there own child’s age? Would we know if they aren’t playing with their own kids? Such persons are nothing less than psychopaths. If these guys can’t keep themselves away from the new kids on the block, why do they even bother to marry? Why do they produce kids?

I agree there is lust in every man. He should find a way to curb it. Rather than jumping onto every girl he sets his eyes on, be it a teenager or a 2-year old baby! Think guys, where is nation going to? If girls can’t survive here, what will happen to our future? According to the statistics, every minute 6 girls are being raped and killed in our country! It breaks my heart, really!

THE ANGEL

2009-08-26T13:23:00.001+01:00

The Quran says there are angels all around us... Around you… Around me... Guiding us through the right path and keeping us away from evils... But we can’t see them... But tell you what guys... I have seen an angel! An angel who is very close to me... An angel who has been with me from the day ZERO... It’s my mum. My sweet mum! Speaking about her... Well, I really don’t have words to describe her. She is one heaven of a mother. Am her first child. I was lucky enough to have my mum’s complete love and attention till the age of 6. Then my brother came. Even though I was very happy the first few months, slowly my feelings became a mixture of jealousy (because my mum spent too much time with him) and of course my love was being shared. I didn’t like the scenario a bit. My mum was (and still is!) very fond of my brother. Maybe it goes with the fact that mothers have more liking to their sons. Whatever!

My mum and I were never really close to each other. I mean we were close. But that was in the theoretical sense. We never had that bond between us which many of my friends always boasted about. I never used to feel home with her. Yes, she would listen to my news, would accompany me wherever I went and of course did everything for me. But we lacked that specific chemistry between us. I wanted her to understand me like no one else does. I wanted her to support me 24x7. I wanted her to hold my hands and guide me through the darkness. I wanted her to wipe away my tears when I cried. In short I wanted her to be my friend. But she never got time. She was always busy with one thing or another. I resented her attitude towards me. I resented myself. I resented my whole existence. There were times when I hated myself even. I felt dejected. But I loved her. I loved her with all my heart.

I would never say (wont dare to say!) that my mum didn’t love me. She loved me a lot. She cared for me like no one ever would. But she didn’t spend time with me. After I joined hostel, we barely talked. Either I was busy or she was. But that’s all past. The status of my relationship with my mum changed dramatically in the last few weeks. It happened quite unexpectedly. I made my mum cry! I have never quite forgiven myself since that incident. I did a grave mistake by making her cry. All I could do to rectify the mistake was to cry along with her. We talked a lot that night. I lay on her chest and talked till my throat was sore.

I never had the guts to look up at her face and speak out my heart. But I wanted to show my love for her. Mum… If you ever read this… Just know… I LOVE YOU. You are a treasure to me. A gift to me from the great God. I love you mum…

MY HOSTEL LIFE

2009-08-05T12:01:00.001+01:00

I live in a hostel... for the past 3 years. It had always been a wish of mine to taste the freedom of being away from home. I joined this hostel (its better to call this a ‘cell’) on October 6th 2006. It was a new experience altogether. New environment, new faces, new rules and of course there was the newly found freedom. I intended to enjoy each and every bite of it. My room is kind of a dormitory which can occupy 10 beds. In the beginning stage (the 1st year), there were 9 of us from the same class and 1 from another branch. After a period of 2 months, 1 of my roommates left the hostel due to some problems. And after a year, another 1 left to join a different room. Since then we have seen many faces occupying those 2 beds but none stayed long (I think there is some sort of curse in there!)

Life was always tough being under a set of nuns whose main hobby was finding faults in everything we do. (It’s still the same scenario!) But there was fun in those crude remarks from them also. It’s after I joined this hostel I learned that there are ugly ducklings among the nuns too. I always thought there were the messengers of God. But those in my hostel proved it wrong. They prayed 24x7. I have no idea what they are asking from God after crucifying us. Talking about the food, it was nothing far from worse. Every night, we found various types of herbs and plant parts on our plates. In the beginning, we just had to go to our mess hall and help ourselves from the platter of food kept on our tables. My roommates and I were always the first to go to the mess hall. One reason being the unbearable hunger and the other reason being we were the nearest to the hall. Well, there’s another reason. We simply wanted to get over with the Herculean task of gobbling down what they had in store for us.

After a couple of years, they changed the mess system to buffet. Buffet in the sense, now, the kitchen servants will serve the food. We just have to go and wait in the queue for our turn. Phew... It was tough for us in the beginning to adjust to the new routine. But now as I think about it I have a feeling it’s much better than the last.

Until a couple of months ago, we could wear our night dresses according to our wish. We could wear anything. But now the whole scenario has changed due to the weird fashionable sense of some of my hostel mates. One day, as we walked down to the mess hall, there was a new notice on our notice board.

“Everyone should wear only churidars and long skirts with blouse!”

The very notice ignited the fire of laughter in us. If we can’t wear what we like in the hostel what is the point in saying it’s a woman’s hostel. No one really followed the new commandment until one morning we found the notice laying burnt on the floor. We smelled trouble. As we guessed, some 3-4 days later, the warden appeared in the mess hall (as she always does whenever there was some serious matter to be discussed!). She was seething and radiated heat in all directions. She started pointing her accusing fingers on everyone and went around questioning. No one had answers and no one really bothered about her tantrums. Any one with a clue was requested to go forward and help her out. To this date, the culprit still remains in the dark. Hats off to her!

A NOTE OF THANKS!

2009-04-15T16:28:00.000+01:00

At times I think very highly of myself. I mean, am a very optimistic person. (Well... Maybe in a heavy dose!) I believe in God and his tricks. And I make friends quite easily. To be frank, I guess that’s one of my traits am very proud of. But I guess that’s one thing I should be very careful about too. (God alone knows who all to trust!) I am a very friendly person. I have a hell lot of friends. They are my greatest treasure. I always try to do everything (and anything) under my control to keep them happy. Yet I hurt them. There was this instance when I had a very big misunderstanding with one of my best friends. I avoided him for how long, I have got no idea. I averted my eyes whenever he came into my sight. I kept my distance from him. Even though it ate me from within not to talk to him, I was adamant. Later on, we sorted out the problems between us. The fights between us have never lasted long. (Thank God!) It was one of those days that he came to me and gave me his pen-drive. There was this message from him which moved my heart. He had written it while we were at the fight.

Nothing much these days… Just a weird feeling there in my heart, a feeling of something seriously bad is going to happen. I am not happy, I miss my best friend. She is now not talking to me properly, I seriously don’t know the reason, I might have done something that eventually made her upset but then she won’t tell me either. Am I that bad now or is my value in her life going down? I don’t want her to love me as a lover but I want her to care about me as a best friend, at least, like I do about her. I seriously do miss her in my life, be it for a second, a minute or even an hour, her very own thought makes me jump off my feet out of joy. Now when I think of her I feel sad, the absence of her is creeping inside me like a dark night. I love her as my best friend I don’t want anything else from her but her friendship. One and a half year and I’ll be gone from this place, I don’t know whether people will remember me or not I seriously don’t know and I seriously don’t care.

All I want from God is that she never forgets me. I don’t know what I will do; I am clenched by this feeling… Every time she is not talking to me I am paralyzed, not able to do anything… All I can do is to feel. I feel her in my every breath, every heart beat, and every blink of my eyes. The trauma, the agony, I don’t know how long will I be able to handle these, I will give up one day. The pain is piling in my heart, I am afraid it will burst out one day, which I don’t want to happen but I am not able to prevent it from making me hollow from inside. I have thought of smoking and drinking to ease out my anxiety, which is entangling me, but then she comes in front of me, her face, the smile, the voice, the promise which I made to her, it all flashes in my mind. Is there in any end to this thing? I am tired of asking her to love me. I can’t force anyone to love me… I guess I have to learn, even if it has to be the hard way. All my wishes to her… Let my all happiness be hers and all her sorrows are mine. I love you, you are my world and I am incomplete without your friendship… You are the part which solves the puzzle of my life. I can live without food and water for days but I won’t last a minute without you… You are my friend forever. You are the special friend whom I have always dreamt of.

Dear Friend... Just want you to know... Even though we have fought (the number of times being ENDLESS!) I have always wanted you back. I can find only one reason for that. I am INCOMPLETE without you – your smile (which can turn the world right for me), your innocence (which is the purest I have ever seen), your support (without which I would have fallen long before), your love (which is unconditional), your friendship (which is unremitting) and above all, your firm belief in me. Thank You.

A DIARY ENTRY

2009-04-10T17:59:00.000+01:00

17-12-2008
Wednesday

Today was a hectic day. Almost everyone in my hostel room had gone home for the ‘fun-filled’ study leave. One of my friends, Lakshmi and me were the only ones left out. After the day’s tiring class, we decided to go for shopping. We were to go home the very next day. It didn’t bother us in the slightest that we were going through a tough phase of ‘recession’ ourselves. She had some 300 Rupees with her whereas I had a meagre 200 with me. As erratic as we were with our money-spending strategies, she decided it would be better to keep a 100 safe at hostel so as to get back home safe and sound. I meekly followed her. Mainly because I didn’t trust myself when it came to spending money. After the safe-keeping of the money, we headed straight to the nearest shopping complex.

It was a huge building with numerous shops. She had plans to buy a present for her father as well as for her little brother. By the time we reached the place, we were all-the-more tired. (We had chosen to go-by-foot to the complex rather than spending an extra 10 Rupees to an auto. As I told you, we were very thoughtful!). We were puffing and panting and our stomachs were rumbling. We came to a halt in front of ‘Aruna Restaurant’. It took us only a moment’s hesitation in deciding what to do! But once we were inside, we decided it would be better to order parcels for us so as we could take them to hostel and eat in peace.

We went to the shopping complex and started our work. We went to almost all the shops in the building but couldn’t find anything suitable for neither her father nor her brother. We thought its better to go the nearest market. Luckily we found the things we sought for in the first stop itself. I sighed with relief. Shopping was definitely tiring. But it was fun too. Finally, we accomplished all our chores and came out of the market. We were talking quite animatedly suddenly when Lakshmi gave a squeal. I couldn’t quite make out the reason for her sudden change in mannerism. My eyes slowly rowed down to the source of her displeasure. It took me no time to find out the reason. Her eyes were glued to her purse, which I realized with quite fervour, was almost empty. In fact there were only a few coins in there.

She asked in a small voice. “Have you got money to pay for the food?” I opened my purse and counted out the money. It added up to 65. I looked at her. She took out her coins that were residing at the very bottom of her purse. It contributed another 5 to our whole amount. It was my turn to look disgruntled. Her eyes said very clearly “Lets not go to the restaurant. The bill will definitely be more than this amount”. But I convinced her we should go ahead and collect the food. (I had done a rough calculation and I was damn sure that the amount would not be more than 70!). Rather apprehensively we climbed the steps to the hotel. On seeing us, the man at the counter took the parcel and gave it to me. But it was not the parcel that I wanted to see. I wanted to get hold of the bill. After what seemed like ages he took out the bill and thrust it into my hand. I looked down to the bottom part of the bill and looked at Lakshmi standing beside me with her mouth wide open.

The bill said it costs us 76 Rupees. I was rather shocked. I looked up the contents to check if it was really our bill or not. That was when I saw the price of each item against it. The hotel had increased at least 4 Rupees for every item. No doubt, the hotel was also going through its own phase of recession! I didn’t have a clue about what to do. I even thought about talking to the man about our present state-of-condition and get a discount of 6 Rupees. But Lakshmi wouldn’t budge. She thought it was too much to ask for! She had another fabulous idea of running away from the hotel to which I wouldn’t agree. (Because we had to visit that hotel again in the future and it would do us no good to be on their black lists!). We stood our ground for exactly 2 minutes. My head was fuming with the exertion of thinking of a solution and with each passing moment our embarrasement was becoming evident on our faces. The man at the counter was looking enquiringly at our sweating faces. I almost gave up thinking when suddenly I spotted three figures on the road opposite to us. I almost hip-hoped with relief. They were our fellow hostel mates. I put Lakshmi in charge of the parcel and ran to them. I took a note of 10 from them and ran back with twice the speed. We paid the bill and literally jumped down the steps to the main road. We had another story to tell our friends!

REALITY BITES!

2009-02-24T16:17:00.000Z

I guess each and everyone on this earth has a best friend or even best friends. I was a person who believed in the theory of best friends. And I believed in the divinity of such relations. I got my first of that kind while I was in my 4th standard. Her name is Sneha. She is still one of my closest. Even after I went to RAK we still had contact. We used to write letters every now and then. I have preserved every one of those. I used to wonder how we kept contact for so long. We had had our ups and downs but we overcame those to remain the best.

I had another friend whom I thought was my best friend. We were really close (or I thought so). Life was so easy being with her. We had almost everything in common. But something didn’t really click. Everything between us just shattered in one moment. I never understood the reason and still am unaware of that. Maybe it was my mistake. And I did apologize. But somehow I knew I was innocent. And that I had made friends with a green-eyed monster. At first I just thought she was going through a state of transition when she began keeping her distance from me. But then I understood it wasn’t a transition at all. She was never really close to me. I was just being fooled. I loved her more than my parents back then. But all I got back was just unemotional love. I didn’t try to (ever) open my eyes to that. But when I did open my eyes, it came as a crash. I couldn’t take the fact that she was just playing a ‘best friends’ game. I felt deceived. But I didn’t want to lose her. I kept making excuses for her indifference. To myself...

Those were the times when I thought life was much better without best friends. What was the point in having one which doesn’t care for you and lies to you right to your face? There was an instance when she lied to me and I caught her red-handed. She had her own reasons for everything. I kept my feelings to myself. It came to an explosion state when I decided to have a talk with her. But it wasn’t a big success. She just stood her ground. To her, friendship was nothing. I took a decision then. That I would never jump into another best-friends drama ever again. But it was a vain promise. I had many best friends after that. Some of which I still keep close to my heart. But I never forgot my experience with her. It had taught me a lesson. I was careful not to get too close with anyone. I never tried to maintain contact with her. But she made it a point to send me post cards every now and then. It always contained the same sentences. ‘I Love You. Forget-Me-Not.’ Every one of those cards made my heart sting. But she isn’t exactly a rare kind. I have met even worse. The thing I don’t seem to understand is, if these guys don’t care about friendship then why do they take the pain to make friends? It is pathetic. It is better to keep aloof from others rather than making friends and disgracing them.

I am friends with this particular girl who don’t give a damn about relations (relations in the sense, friendship). She was in a tough spot nearly 6 months ago. I spent a lot of time fretting about her well-being. But I wonder if she were in the same situation as I was, would she have cared about me? I am in a position now to say that she wouldn’t have. But this person is different from the one I earlier had. The first and foremost being she was raised to be self independent. She could never have true feelings for anyone except her family. She was very reserved. She kept a certain distance from everyone. But little did she realize that she was, in the process, hurting a lot of people. Her coldness meant little to me at first. But later as I got closer to her I began to feel the sheet of ice surrounding her. She was in a cocoon. Unreachable from everything else. It hurt me a lot at that time, to know that I gave my love to a person who gave me nothing in return. Around some time ago I thought its better to speak out my feelings for her rather than hiding them within me. That day we spoke a lot. What surprised me was that she was willing to listen to what I had to say. She was ready to rectify her mistakes. I was happy that she loved me as much as I loved as I loved her. But what future holds for us is, not known!!

WHAT I NEVER KNEW!

2009-02-20T07:57:00.000Z

I decided its better to keep my tongue glued to my mouth’s roof rather than using it only to make things worse. I simply kept my face calm and said “What makes you think it’s really him?” She said “I knew it from your face.” I was torn between my desire to let him know my feelings and my fear of what would happen. My mind told me to go ahead and take the risk. It took me only a moment to decide. It was time to beat my fear! The doomsday came sooner than I expected. I was home when I got a call from my friend (who was his friend and my messenger to him). She said she was going to present my ‘problem’ to Mr. S today and that I would better be ready for the response. As usual I went for my Math tuition that afternoon. I had carried a tissue with me, just in case. The moment I stepped out of my dad’s car, I saw her. I couldn’t control my excitement. She walked to me rather bleakly. I kept my fingers crossed. But I knew what his answer was even before she opened her mouth. I was thankful to God that I had taken the tissue.

It took me several days to accept the truth. But then, I never wanted to have a relationship with him. All I wanted was to carry the little secret in my heart and treasure it. I never wanted him to know about it. All I wanted was to look at him without him knowing what I was doing. Or why I was doing it. My eyes filled even without my knowledge when I thought about him. The little secret was no more. It ended with a blast. He had even threatened me not to go near his brother ever again. But he was no one to order me around. I still kept my eyes open for the little bro. I never thought about him again (but nevertheless he seemed to come to my mind more and more). At times I saw him but I kept my feelings in check. Slowly (really slowly) I gained control over my feelings. I erased him out of me. But the thoughts would never go away completely. People say that one cannot completely forget their first love. It took me some eight months to get over him.

Those eight months marked my addiction to net. At first I turned to net as a mode of time pass. But within weeks I was completely engulfed in its fantasy. I couldn’t think of anything else other than chatting. I made friends with everyone I came across. I neglected my studies. In fact I neglected everyone around me. My exam figures kept going down and the net charges started creeping up. My father thought it would be safe to cut the net connection. But by this time chatting had become an inevitable necessity in my life. I had even made a close friend (out of hundreds). His name was Prashanth. He was 5-6 years senior to me. What made me and him close was our common hobby (writing poems). We even used to chat through phone. Slowly (really slowly), my net addiction wore off. I even stopped my talks with Prashanth. I came to my senses just in time to prevent my dad from severing the connection. By that time I was in my 10th and the pressure of studies was getting onto me. My 10th standard was eventful. In every sense… It was time for more action.

Earlier my life was centered on S. Now I began to see the world more clearly. With new eyes... It was a refreshing year for me. I overcame my addiction to net completely. I turned my energy to new realms of passing time. Reading became my first and foremost hobby. Music became my passion. I was getting better and better at my studies. Math was my favorite subject (still it is!). This could be attributed to my tuition sir. He was my role model. My 10th was coming to an end. The board exams were looming in closer. I joined a tuition class for Science a week before my mains. This decision was mainly due to the fact that almost everyone in my class was joining. To my great astonishment I got admitted to a shift where there was none other than (well… you guys got it right!), Mr. S. I still have no idea what happened in those classes. I don’t even know whether my eyes were playing tricks on me. But I knew what I saw. I could feel his furtive glances on me. I thought I knew what those glances meant. But I refused to be a victim again. It took me all my courage to not to return the looks. It was mainly because I had made a very important decision in life during this time. To go back to India and start fresh. It was an idea I got out of nowhere. Many of my friends were leaving for India too. I thought it would be great to go back to my native and start my 11th with new promises and hopes. But it was very hard to convince my parents of this. They didn’t budge even a little to my wish. But I stood my ground. In the end they had to give in to my decision. With great pain but with more convincing promises I flew back to my home… Leaving behind many unanswered questions…

TRUTH OR DARE?

2009-02-06T15:51:00.000Z

Well, l had forgotten to tell you guys something. Mr. S’s little bro ‘Juma’ had joined in school (LKG) in my 9th standard. Hmm... He was such a cutie. So bubbly and sweet. You can guess what might have happened. I decided to turn my charm on him. Nat and I found time to go and spend a little time with the little boy everyday. It wasn’t exactly a big success. We would have our lunch early and go straight to the nursery section and start wandering in front of his class. He started noticing us after weeks’ worth of effort. We made sure we were in his vicinity all through the whole lunch break (which started at 11 am and extended till noon). Slowly I gained his trust. He would slide out of his chair and come straight to me whenever he saw me. Tell you the truth, it was a nice feeling. To have captured the little heart (even though it consumed our precious lunch hour). And yes it was a beginning. Step number one to get to Mr. S.

Our Sports Day came in November. I was in the Yellow house. The hero was in Green. We had the usual events (I quit my 200 m running race in the middle saying I sprained my ankle!). My friends and I were chatting in our class after the events. We decided to play ‘Truth or Dare’ which was the play of the year. For those guys who don’t know what ‘Truth or Dare’ is, I can explain. A group of people sit around a circle and a pen is placed in the middle. One of us has to spin the pen. When the pen comes to rest, the person on whom the pen’s tip is pointed to (VICTIM) will get to answer a question from the person sitting at the position of the pen’s tail (EXECUTIONER). The question is “TRUTH OR DARE?” If the victim chooses ‘TRUTH’, he will have to answer any question shot to him by the executioner. The question can be from any field (for example, love, crushes, almost anything) and he is required to answer that truthfully. If he chooses ‘DARE’ (some people resort to this because they don’t have to disclose personal matters by selecting ‘TRUTH’), he will get to do something nasty framed by the executioner.

I was laughing so hard at one of my close friend’s fate (she had to do a dare!) when the horrible pen decided to stop spinning when its tip was pointed at me. My smile froze in my face. Because I had never had the guts to do a dare back then and my mind wasn’t exactly free of secrets (the HERO for instance!). I cursed the moment I agreed to play the game. I pasted a smile on to my face and stared at my executioner dolefully. She asked “TRUTH OR DARE?” I said (after a long moment of internal struggle), ‘TRUTH’. She shot her question: “Do you have any crushes?” I stumbled. But my gaze never wavered from hers. She had a winning smile on her lips. For a moment I thought of saying no. Because can you actually call what I had for him as just a CRUSH? Something that I cherished for quite a long time by that period? The years I spent in pursuit of him? Was it just a crush? I didn’t think so (nor do I think like that now). If what I had for was just a crush, it would have gone long by then. No, it wasn’t just a crush. I was about to say ‘no’ when my tongue cheated on me. I couldn’t believe what I heard. I had gone out of mind and had answered a ‘YES’. It was a long moment before the others took their eyes out of mine. I realized I was sweating.

They were quiet for a minute or so. Then the shower of questions began. ‘Who is he?’ ‘Which class is he in?’ ‘Does he know?’ I didn’t know which one to answer first. I decided to play it safe (but the damage was irreparable). I told them I had a crush on one of our batch mates and that I couldn’t disclose his name and that it was only just a little crush. In fact I told them it was just an infatuation. Nat was looking at me sideways and I couldn’t meet her eyes. My heart was fuming. It was a secret that I preserved for years. And it was all going down the drain.

They never got tired from questioning me. They quit playing ‘TRUTH OR DARE’ and started a new one: ‘WHO IS SACHU’S CRUSH?’ I was torn between my desire to jump and start running away from the room and sitting there in midst of them. I was about to get up from my seat when one of them mentioned his name. My heart did a somersault again (it did the first somersault when I first laid my eyes on him and it was a huge success!). I was hoping against hope that they wouldn’t direct the name at me when they caught Nat smiling serenely (for me it was the ghost smile!). I kept my face emotionless (as if I didn’t know whom they were talking about!). But I knew the game was finally over. I had let them all in to my secret which I had kept close to my heart for so long.

I decided it was all over. One of them suddenly decided it was declaration time. She said, almost absent-mindedly, ‘You know something? I know him personally. Would you like me to tell him about you?’ I felt my air caught in my lungs. I understood nothing was over. It had just begun. I just kept my gaze leveled to hers and hoped...

THE AILMENT EPISODE

2008-11-20T04:30:00.001Z

As per the instructions of my English teacher, I had bought a ‘Wren and Martin’ English guide and started working on my English language. Though slowly my English started improving and I gained confidence to speak in public. It was during one of those days the third part of Harry Potter came across my hands. I decided to give it a try. To my great surprise I found myself reading the book so keenly that I refused to put it down. By the time I finished the book, I was already wrapped up in the Harry Potter world. It was only because of you Harry that I started focusing on reading more books. Thank you.

Towards the end of my first term in 9th, one day my brother came home with a visitor. The visitor was none other than ‘chicken pox’. He had contracted the infection from one of his classmates. I was scared to my wits. My mom started advising me that those who get scared will get infected easily (she could say that because she had zero percent chance of getting ‘Mr. C.P.’ since she had suffered from it in childhood!). My dad and I shared similar outlook towards the disease. I completely avoided my bro unless I could help it. But as everyone says, nothing can change what’s in store for us. My dad and I got the signs the day my bro bathed. In my case, it was in the form of a small pimple on my right arm (of which I have still got a mark!). There began the 15 days of torture. The only consolation was that I ha company (my dad, I mean). Poor my mom. She tired herself out by aiding to us. It was the horrible itchy feeling on the infected areas that made me go berserk. I was not allowed even to scratch (God help me). My mom would scream at me whenever I tried to take my anger out on the pimples. But I always managed to caress them without her noticing.

It was with great relief that I welcomed the 16th day of my ailment. I could finally go to school and meet my friends. When I stepped onto my class my first thing they asked me was “You said you got chicken pox? But where are the marks?”. Even though I had worked on my pimples so fervently, they all disappeared without leaving a trace for which I am still grateful.

My Best Friend

2008-11-01T09:45:00.000Z

In the meantime, my school life was getting unbearable. It was during one of these days that l saw HIM wandering in my school. That was quite a SHOCK. Now, dont expect background music. Atleast not right now.

As the second term of my 6th standard blossomed, a new bud arrived in my class. A newcomer from Trivandrum. We got together. Life went on(as it does always). l grew. Old friendships withered and new ones sprouted. Meanwhile my attraction to Mr.S grew stronger.

It was towards the end of my 8th that me and Nat got to know each other. As we began to spend time together, l found out we shared similar interests. The most foremost being our mutual attraction to the star of the time "Dileep". What more to say, she had her birthday on October 28th, just two days from mine. By the start of 9th we began to sit together and were marked as 'siamese twins' by my other classmates.

All of a sudden, one day our class teacher had this weird idea of rearranging the positions of her students(our class was girls only). My heart did a somersault upon hearing this news. We were seated at the very last desks. l was on all fours pleading to God that we become invisible to her. But alas, her searching eyes found me and Nat. She called out "Nat, you come and sit here at Fathima's place and you, Fathima can go sit at her's". l solemnly watched as Nat picked up her books and walked over to her new destiny. My tear glands started working and the next thing l knew, l was crying out uncontrollably. My new partner watched helplessly as l bawled like a small kid. The whole class had their eyes on me. Needless to say, my tears melted our class teacher's 'marble-like' heart and she obligingly brought Nat back to me. l dutifully wiped my tears away. As the class dispersed, Nat whispered to me:"That was qiute a show!". But tell you what friends, by that single incident we were marked 'The Unbreakables'.

THE VERY BEGINNING

2008-10-26T04:28:00.000Z

Well, what a surprise! You must be thinking what the element of surprise is, right? But before letting you know that, let me first introduce myself. My name is Sajna. Tell you what, l dont like people calling me 'Sajna' and l always ask them to call me by my petname and that is 'Sachu'. I'm 20 and currently doing my BTECH in IT at Govt. Engineering College, Barton Hill, TVM. Well, moving back to our topic of discussion, the thing l felt to be surprising here is that 'I STARTED A BLOG', But then, l asked myself: "When half of your friends are spending half of their time blogging, then why shouldnt you too??" And that is one of the reasons why l'm into this. There is another reason only half as complicated as this. l wanted to share some of my experiences with you guys. Well, what are friends for!

Hmm, l see a problem here. Hey, nothing serious. Its just that l seem to be using quite a number of 'well's in between. Well(Oh not again!), it has become a habit of mine. l guess it originated as a result of my 'now-fading' Harry Potter addiction. Harry seemed to be using 'well' always. Now here l am! Stuck with his usage. Well,there ought to be someone like me right?

Now let me start my purpose of being here. Starting from the very beginning, l was born on 26th October 1988 at Pandalam-my mum's place. At the age of 1, me and my mum went to my father's in UAE where l studied till my 1st standard. My brother(the one and only) arrived in 1994. So tell you what, l was so very thrilled because l was all alone till the age of 6 and he came with new promises. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Above all, he is my best friend.

As l mentioned before, after my 1st standard, l came back to my native place and joined a local school whre l was treated as an alien. l didn't have many friends for l was considered as an outcast. Well the real breakthrough in my life came when l was again replanted to UAE where l started my 6th standard. And it was during this time l faced the biggest crisis of my life. 'l couldn't spak in English!!". We were not allowed any other languages. So my only option was to remain silent. l rarely opened my mouth and never mingled with anyone. The only thing l was good at was Arabic. l simply loved the Arabic classes.

My dad got me and my bro admitted to a Madrasa.(where we Muslims study about our religion), This is where l met Shehi. Well, l still remember that day as if yesterday. it was a clear evening on the 19th of April 1999. Now you must have understood he was not just anyone. He was my FIRST LOVE. (Though nothing of that sort came into my mind when l first saw him, l was a young innocent girl, you see! Honestly!) For some reason l loved to go to Madrasa. One thing, only mallus attended the classes and the second reason being, you guys can guess!!

-- $@CHU--