Whispers to Kalel

Valentine's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 19:21:00 +0000

This would seem funny if not embarrassing but in my 28 years of life here in this planet, this was the first time in my life that a guy has given me flowers and chocolates on V-Day. 28 years and it's my first time to experience that sense of pride and happiness in knowing that I was remembered and that I was special to somebody - not just somebody but somebody I hold dear, my husband.

Rain, as always has unknowingly melted my heart in his simple gestures and in his desire to simply please me and make me happy. I was just expecting a simple lunch since that was what's slated for our day, but no, I was pleasantly surprised by his gifts.

During the lunch, he told me that this was his first V-Day. The first V-Day that he actually celebrated and made efforts to be one of the many who make this day special. It was mine too. And now, that I was actually part of the hype and the frenzy, it's easy to understand why people go out of their way to find time and energy for this day. This is a day where you'd like to let the person you love feel specially loved.

I used to think that it was corny or cheesy to be part of the events, the hype, the mania that is V-Day. I avoid restaurants and movie houses during this day as I know they'd be packed with love stricken couples on a date. I mentally try to calculate how much of the flowers all dolled up in a bouquet, will eventually find their way not in vases but in the trash at the end of the day. Yes, I was one of those who look at the dating couples make estimates of how long their relationship is going to last.

Now I understand that all that was was misunderstanding if not just sheer envy for those who feel specially appreciated on this special day because now I know how wonderful it is to be a part of the frenzy. How wonderful it feels to be affirmed that you are loved and are special to not just anybody but more especially to that one person who means the whole world to you.

After Moving In

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 18:56:00 +0000

This is probably one of the major if not the major decision I have done in my life. Unknown to both Rain and I, after we have lost Kalel, we both thought about our status - are we going to stay as girl friend -boy friend, or are we going to take this to a notch. I was quietly hoping that we'd push through with our plans of moving together even if we no longer have our baby. It just does not make any sense to me that we would go back to default after all that happened. We shared the same sentiments despite not having been able to discuss this prior.

So January 8, 2012 marked the first day of our lives together. It was an exciting phase for me. So exciting that in the middle of cleaning the bathroom tiles it came to me that I was already living my dream, my fantasy when I was just a schoolgirl. This is already the future that I have dreamed about.

How did my reality fare with my fantasy? Definitely better. It was all I thought I would be and more. Though it was my dream come true, reality is we are faced by challenges. And in this early phase my biggest challenge is adjusting to his personality. Though I have known him before, sharing the same roof with him is a different thing all together. There are quirks to our personalities that we were just learning.

I would admit that there was more than one instance that I found myself in the brink of losing my patience and just wanting to go back to my old life. But then when he held me in his arms as we sleep, as I felt his warm breath fanning my forehead, I knew it was worth all the trouble. This is what I have dreamed of all my life and now here I am living my dream. Not many people are given the opportunity to live their fantasies and actually like them, I would consider myself among the lucky few who had what they always wanted and knew deep down that living that moment is worth all the wait, pain and sacrifices that came with it.

We have just started and we still have a long way to go but I know that for as long as we have each other, I know I will be happy.

Moving On?

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 16:20:00 +0000

I know that is always easy to say that life must move on and that we should just keep moving forward. The operating terms there are MUST and SHOULD. However, despite life's musts and shoulds it is just difficult at time to do what we must and should to.

We cannot help to be feeling and sentimental beings who in the face of a trauma just gets fixated to what is painful and traumatic. It is never easy to move forward, especially when you have lost someone or something valuable.

It has been four months since I lost a son. I have in some ways picked up my life - got a job, went back to my old life - and yet I am still very aware that I am changed. I have lost a part of me. There is an eternal void inside of me. No matter how much I try to drown myself in my realities, I still see myself thinking my could-have-been's and what-if's.

It still brings tears in my eyes when I think of him. It still pains me when I remember him. I think this will always be the case since I am a mother who lost a son. My pain and my longing for him would be for a lifetime. And for me, life around me will always find a way to move on, but I will always look back to that moment because at that moment, I still had a son.

No Shopping Frenzy for Me

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 22:33:00 +0000

It's December and everything just spelled, smelled, and tastes like Christmas. It's funny but this year, it seems that despite the shopping malls screaming advertisements or decorations, the radio stations playing of Christmas songs, for most people, myself included, it seems as though it is just an ordinary day.

There's no feeling of anxiety, guilt and panic that I have not done any Christmas shopping yet - not even a Christmas list. For some reason, all this carnival feel around me seem to be just one big advertisement being displayed on TV. An ad which I chose not to pay attention to.

It could be that times are hard these days and people don't really have the means to be a part of this highly materialistic, commercialized fanfare. On the contrary, I do not feel like being religious either. There is just nothing that seem to jump out in me about the season anymore unlike when I was younger.

As a child Christmas is something that I look forward to every year, much like my birthday perhaps even more than my birthday. Celebration is optional on my birthday but Christmas' is more like compulsory. As early as January, I already begin to look forward to my next Christmas. But then my idea of Christmas as a child is no different than most of the adults I know now: gifts, food, party, no school/work, shopping, etc. It had always been the fanfare, almost carnival like concept of Christmas.

I had been told many times that Christmas is a celebration of Christ's birth. How our gift giving is derived from the magi giving him gifts, how our lanterns symbolize the stars the magi followed, etc. I think that most of us if not all of us who celebrate Christmas knew about this. And yet despite this knowledge, the shift in the celebration's center is inevitable.

People these days are more concerned about what they have and what they want to have more. Sadly we have little care about how to acquire spiritual wealth or how to help other people.

It's Christmas all around me but I could hardly see myself celebrating as much as the rest of them are. If anything, I am not shopping at all fro Christmas presents but I would just like to spend as much time with my husband with no frivolous gifts just some quality time and loads of stories.

Career Shift

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:34:00 +0000

I was in a small party last Saturday with Rain and his team mates (my former team). As I was having a small talk with their Quality Analyst, he asked me about my job and I told him I went back to being an agent. He asked me if I had plans of ever wanting to be a manager again and I said no. I was happy being an agent and working as an individual rather than driving a team to perform towards a goal. He said it would be a waste since I am not using my full potential in my current role. He's probably right, being one of my previous agents he had seen me work and think.

So a few might think and would be quick to judge that this is definitely a wrong career move for me. It probably is. Some might say that there would be no growth for me in this new job and a lot more things. I know because I have thought of them too when I was deliberating about accepting it or not.

It is not just about the money because clearly I earned more in my previous role and I know that I could ask for more had I decided to continue with it. But then, my life's priorities had changed and it is no longer just climbing and breaking a glass ceiling for me. It is fun to be on the top of the pack and leading the team to where they need to be, but there is also a different thrill in working the ranks and interacting first hand with the people who gives you business.

Growth is not always about vertical ascend. Growth can also be found laterally. Growing one's width in terms of knowledge and experience is also growth in terms of individual maturity. I know that I might sound like I am sour graping and just rationalizing my seemingly career limiting move but I found a certain sense of peace in what I am doing now. I find a certain sense of calm in being able to be in control of my own performance and managing my self rather than a group of individuals.

As I have mentioned in the interview I had, at the end of the day, it is just a title and it does not make or define me as a person.

My (Mis) Adventures in Job Hunting

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:14:00 +0000

It has been quite a time since I last wrote anything.

So just to update... I went back to Manila to get a job two months after I lost Kalel. Finding a new job is always a mix of emotions. I was unsure if I was still as marketable as I was when I last did a job hunt. There was also a sudden feeling of helplessness that I had to depend on somebody for the things that I was doing before I lost my job. I did not need to ask anyone for money for example and having to ask money again was a little bit uncomfortable.

Job interviews are also a fanfare. I went to this interview where I felt intimidated by the HR personnel's very strong and aggressive personality. I would have admired this quirk in her personality had I not been the person she's grilling in an interview. It was an experience in itself. But I had to turn that job down because I did not like the idea of being a second choice, an alternative. I did not qualify for the campaign I applied for so she's putting me to a different campaign.

There was this another job interview that made me wait for several hours, which to me was a total disrespect of my time as an applicant. I hate it when people think that you will go through hoops just because you are looking for a job, that you are at their mercy. They can make you wait for an eternity before they interview you only to be disappointed by the utter lack of skills of the person who is interviewing you. Needless to say, I did not pursue my application here.

I also went to an interview where you feel that you are impressing the person whom you are speaking with and that they have totally bought you only to find out it's the other way around. In an interview, you always do not know if that positive feeling you have will end up in a job offer.

Then finally, I learned that one should not judge quickly. I dropped by for an interview in a posh office building. When I arrived to the designated floor, I felt lost because in most firms I have been, they normally occupy the whole floor. This one was just a small room, with around 20 work stations and no receiving area. I was interviewed by what I think were representatives of the campaign, probably their most tenured ones if not their top guns. I knew I owned them the moment I spoke to them. But at the back of my mind I was already thinking about how much would they compensate me given that they have a small operation. Let's just say I was pleasantly surprised when I signed my contract.

If there's anything I learned in this adventure, when you find yourself in a position where you have the power to start over, to select the door that would define the new you, you always need to know what you want not only in terms of career or professional growth but life in general. The job I took is a step down from what I used to have in terms of rank and of salary grade. It does not even promise a possible promotion. Yet what made me decide to pick this is simple, I know that my end goal is to focus on my new family. I want to be there for Rain. I want to have time for him and be available to him. I do not like to be the partner who just gives my contribution to our budget but is always too stressed and tired to even carry a conversation.

I want to focus on being a wife to him. I want to be able to be more successful in that area than in climbing my glass ceiling. After all being a wife and hopefully a mother is not only a career but a devotion.

Missing You

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 15:41:00 +0000

The days that I miss most are not the days when we both know that we are happy like our anniversary but the days that are normal – when we just sit side by side in the bus, when we quietly eat our meals, when we just enjoy a movie, when we talk about our days. Those are the times that I miss most.

Those are the times when we are not pretentious and we even forget our selves and yet they are particularly comforting. We are not intending to do anything spectacular to please the one another and yet when we look at each other’s eyes we know full well that we have achieved something incredible. Each moment is simply beyond words.

When I hold your hands, I am reminded that being alone is never worthwhile and that I need to share my life with somebody. Somebody whom I feel strongly for, somebody whom I know my happiness rests upon. When I hold your hand, I am reminded that I cannot do this alone. I need you beside me. I need you to hold my hand and remind me how much better of a person I am now because I got you.

I also miss the times when I rest my head on your shoulders. They feel like they were made to do just that – accommodate my head and give it a comforting spot to rest. I miss our quiet moments because in those moments, when our mouths are not talking our hearts are connected more. I ironically understood you more when you are quiet and I know that I also spoke more in silence that I do in spoken language.

But what I miss most is when I look into your eyes. When I do, I am reminded of the time I knew I was already in loved with you and how much that love has changed me to the person I am now and how happier I have been because I am with you. I love you.

Job Hunting

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 14:54:00 +0000

I am back to my job hunting mood. As always there are attempts to get out Call Center industry which I'd like to call as my mother industry. I started out as an agent when I was in college, and the rest as they say it is history. I have learned a lot from this industry and I could say that pretty much my knowledge of the corporate world is from the call center world. However despite all the lessons learned, I must admit that it is such a stress to handle - the unholy work hours, the sometimes annoying callers, etc.

So each time I find myself out of work, I find it to be a blessing in a way. I have a chance to venture to a new realm. So what I thought of doing now is dipping into teaching. Well, the options that I have is not so far form the call center work as the choices I have so far are that of online teaching. It's exciting for me, at last something other than answering inquiries about a person's bill or Internet connection. However, my experience in job hunting did not take my jitters away. The fear of being rejected is still there. Much more that I have no experience teaching and despite my impressive resume, in this part of the industry, I am a neophyte.

But just like in the other applications I have done, it's always putting your best foot forward and just enjoy the moment. The instance I set my foot out of that interview, I am off to look for another opening. It's always hard work that brings me to where I would like to be.

As I pave another path in my career, I am crossing my fingers that just like the rest this experience will make me a better person.

Level Up

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 23:13:00 +0000

When we lost Kalel, my first question was: What is going to happen now? Are we going to stick to our plan or are we going to revert to our lives before we had Kalel?

When we learned about the baby, Rain got a loan to get a house so that when the baby arrives, we'd have our own place and we could start our life as a family. This thrilled me. How I wanted to be with Rain and build a life and a family with him. Everything in me rejoiced to that idea. So when I lost the baby, my question revolved around the possibility of continuing with our plan or just leaving it behind.

Little did I know that Rain's worries were the same as mine. He told me that he was afraid that I would choose to go back to my old life and we'd have to step back in our relationship. Like me, he wanted for us to live our lives together and build our own family.

I felt glad that even without talking, our minds and our hearts are in the same page. We both wanted to live together even if we no longer have our baby. We also both think that it is the best for us so that we would have more time to learn and understand each other deeply, not to mention adjust to our idiosyncrasies.

I am excited for this new phase of my life. I know that this phase would not be a walk in the park. I know that there would be challenges as we go along but I also know that for as long as I have Rain is with me and we love each other, it would be worth the effort.

Meeting Expectations

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 15:19:00 +0000

If there was anything common about all the relationships I've had, it is my thirst to please the person that I am with. There are days when I try to romanticize this and I put it as making my partner happy. But when you objectively or even clinically look at it, you would say that it is pathological. I have this unusual thirst for approval. Yes, I want some sort of affirmation from the person that I am in a relationship with. For me, it is some sort of validation of my worth - as a person and as a partner.

It could be good but there are times that it becomes a handicap. I have had relationships when my partner used me - emotionally, physically. And yet every time that I am played with the guilt card, I give in. Every time he throws something that says that I am not meeting his expectations, I give in. I do everything and anything just to meet that expectation to the point of losing myself.

I have tolerated situations that I have never dreamed to happen to me simply because in my view, by doing so I am showing my love for my partner. I have been unfair to my self most of the time.

We always have that tiny voice in our head that just screams reason and reality to us. I have ignored that voice simply because it counters the expectations of my partner. Needless to say, that voice is simply telling me that what I am doing is not good for me that I should stop it.

I honestly do not know how to fight that craving, that thirst, that addiction for approval and validation. I just know that it had to stop if I wanted to be in a relationship where I am respected and valued as a person, where I am given what I deserve and I receive the kind of love that is for rightly for me.

A Month had Passed

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 11:48:00 +0000

It will be a month tomorrow. A month had past and yet I the feeling of lost is still in me. There is a vacuum that l no longer leave me. I know that there would be pain in my eyes whenever I see small children particularly boys. There is envy in my heart. That could have been my son, the son that I lost.

I will miss him and love him for as long as I live.

Smile on My Face

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 11:33:00 +0000

Since I was so worried about how we were yesterday and felt that he is already getting bored, it was very difficult for me to get sleep. I was worried thinking that I no longer make him happy. I had to send him an email and just tell him that I am worried about the things between us and I wanted to ensure him and assure him that I love him and all I wanted was to make him happy. I expressed how scared I am just thinking that I might lose him. I lost a son already. I don't want to lose him too.

We talked in the morning. It was the usual talk: what happened to his day in the office, what did they do, etc. And in the midst of our conversation, he mentioned about the email I sent. He assured me that my worries were just that - worries and that he loves me and that it will not change.

It does not matter even if we ran out of stories to tell each other and we just stare at each other the whole day on, he will still love me.

I was able to breathe better upon hearing this. It somehow gave me peace of mind and my worries were driven away. Rain loves me, that is all that matters to me.

Same Old Road? Hope Not

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 14:22:00 +0000

Since July, Rain and I had been on a long distance relationship. We move decided that I move to Baguio and stay in Manila due to my delicate pregnancy.

Nothing changed between us, our communication has not changed, perhaps we even became more conscious of how important it is for us to keep in touch. We talk about almost everything from television shows to food to his life in the office.

The past couple of days however, we seem to run out of stories to tell each other and when we talk over the phone, most of the time we just say hello not because the line was bad but because the other line was so quiet we just wanted to make sure if we are still talking to somebody on the other line.

I feel scared. What if we already ran out of stories to share each other? I know for a fact that I am a very boring person. What if he got bored of me already.

It's just so scary. I lost our son already and I am too scared that I might end up losing him too. I hope that this is just worthless worry about something non-existent.

What's on the Other Side?

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 04:20:00 +0000

There are just some realizations I made when I lost my baby boy. Life has been too short and I had been too stuck on being afraid to do the things that I wanted to do for a very long time.

Rejection is my biggest fear so I avoid circumstances that could potentially lead me to it. Thus I have avoided a lot of dreams I've had and just stayed on the safe side. I wanted to be a part of an international bank but was just too afraid to be rejected. I know that they have high standards and very stringent hiring process. So every time I pass by that bank, all I do is admire its facade. I never tried to drop my resume and just give it a shot. There's nothing to lose anyway. If I do not get hired, then I can just move on. Its easy. But it gets a little more complex when you get ego come into play. I am throwing all that ego away. I placed my resume for a post that I think suits me and throw all my cares to the wind.

I just thought that having what ifs in life is just too much to bear. I would like to be able to tell my children to run after their dreams; I won't be able to do that if I have feared chasing mine to start with.

So I am making first steps to each of the dreams I've had since I was young. Just get my foot on the door. If I get it, lucky me, if I don't at least I could tell my self that I did something to make it happen and had not just been to coward to even give it a shot.

It's Raining Questions

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 00:06:00 +0000

Days after that sad day, I kept on asking why it had to happen. Why it had to be us? Did we do anything wrong for us not to deserve our baby? The questions kept on flooding. I even blamed myself for everything that happened. Rain consoled me and told me that none of it was my fault. It was hard to accept, how can I not be at fault when I was the one carrying our baby? It's just so difficult to accept.

The baby is not for us yet said our family. Why? Why is he not of us? It has been almost a month and I thought I got over the questions and the pain already until last night. Rain and I were talking and he mentioned how days seemed to fly by when we had Kalel. The goals seemed easier to work with when we had him. As we were talking, I just felt the tears roll down my face. As my tears rushed down, so were the familiar questions. Why did we have to lose him. He is not for us yet. If he is not for us, why was he given to us to begin with? I found it mean and hurtful to get us all happy and excited to have a baby only to be taken from us prematurely.

"Don't question God's plan, " Rain said. He said that perhaps, Kalel's mission was to test us as partners and to give us direction. When we did not have Kalel yet, we were just dating couples who are having as much fun as we can. We have our future goals, but that's all they were goals. We have not acted on them purposefully. Perhaps he was given to us to test how much we love each other. Rain never left my side. Without a need for a persuasion, he accepted his responsibility and did all he could to fulfill his new role of a father. Without second thoughts, I sacrificed my career because I know that it was the best way to take care of our baby.

In the very short life that our baby had, he has given us so much help. He made us realize where to take our relationship. Personally, I realized how lucky I am to have Rain in my life. He stood by me all this time. He was there when I needed him - I did not even need to ask. He held me and let me know and feel that he loves me just when I needed it most.

Our Kalel is gone. I know that I will never get over the pain and the emptiness, but as Rain puts it, we now have an angel watching over us.

Aftermath

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 05:42:00 +0000

After the anesthesia subsided and everything dawned on me, there was a feeling of unexplained sadness and emptiness in me. I would sometimes find my self touching my tummy only to realize that our baby is no longer there.

The images in the emergency room rushed back on me. I was lying on the hospital bed, bleeding profusely but was unconcerned about my own welfare all I wanted to know was if my baby was fine. The nurse was trying to listen for my baby's heartbeat. I listened to it too as if its the only sound in the world that matters (at that moment, for me it really is the only sound that matters). I was waiting for that familiar rhythm that made hospital visits tolerable. It was not there. I asked the nurse if my baby was still there. She did not say a thing but deep within me I knew the answer. A few minutes after, my aunt and uncle came to the hospital. My uncle told me that the baby was gone already, it was that lump I felt when I bled in our wash room. My aunt followed after, hugged me and was crying. I cannot feel anything yet at that point. I did not feel the hysterical sadness I thought I'd feel. I was just staring at them.

I was that way - unfeeling - for a day. I was unfeeling and yet there was this growing void that is eating me. If there was anything in the whole event that consoled me, it was Rain. He made me feel secured. He traveled from Manila to Baguio soon as I told him what happened. He never stopped telling me that he loves me. He consoled me, hugged me and did everything he could to make the whole situation somewhat bearable.

On my second night in the hospital, as Rain was taking his shower and I was there sitting at the edge of the bed, everything dawned on me. Suddenly in my lonesome, I all of a sudden felt my loneliness. My baby and I are no longer one. I never felt so alone in my life. The realization that my baby is no longer with me, I will no longer hear the tiny giggles that I was so excited about. I will not hear him call me Mama, neither will I feel his hugs and kisses. I cried for the first time. I cried for the things I will not be able to share with him, the milestones that I know I will excitedly watch out for and track but more importantly I cried because I lost a son, my first baby.

A Day of Sadness

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 14:44:00 +0000

August 19, 2011 is a day that will be forever etched in my mind. At 18 weeks gestation, I lost my baby. There are no words that can describe my sadness, my pain, and my lost.

August 19, 2011 will not just be a day for me, it was the day I lost my precious baby boy, Kalel Riordan.

Internal Calm

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 04:25:00 +0000

One of the changes that the baby made in me is the kind of peace it brought me. When I am alone and I hold my tummy and just feel the beating heart on my hand, I knew I am in my serene place. It is just amazing, so amazing I am beyond words.

I know that it is ironic to say that though I am the mother, I find security in my baby. It is as if as long as we are together, I know I can get through all the challenges that life has for me. It is such a cliche but the baby has completed me as a woman and as a person.

I used to be scattered brain about life in general yet when I had the baby, I gained purpose. I knew I wanted to give everything I could to him. I know that I may not be able to provide him everything materially but I want to ensure that he would be secured about our love. He would not doubt that we love him.

It is just amazing how much change and direction this tiny life made to my life.

Dreaming of you

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 14:19:00 +0000

I moved to Baguio on my 10th week. It was a bit difficult because I miss being with Rain, my boyfriend. He made my pregnancy easier to handle and the changes more manageable. We never stopped dreaming and preparing about our baby's arrival. All of sudden our lives are no longer centered about us but about another person - our baby. We stopped thinking about our own comforts but about what would make life comfortable for our baby, just like this temporary separation just so we can ensure that he'd be delivered safely and that I'd have all the support that I would need through out the pregnancy.

I was even surprised that Rain decided to get a house for us. It was a huge step which clearly showed the direction that we wanted to take the relationship. All of these changes begun when we learned about the baby. Somehow suddenly it was easier to make bold undertakings such as getting a house and deciding to be together and be a family possible.

Prior to the baby's coming, it was just a plan. A drawing etched in our minds which we knew would take more time to realize. We were taking our time in our journey and just savoring the moment but when the baby came, all of sudden we knew that we cannot just have a laid back attitude about life anymore after all we are no longer just a dating couple but are soon to be parents.

So as the days passed and as we count the weeks of the baby's development, as we talk about the changes going on and how big the baby is growing in my tummy, we also never ceased to talk about how we'd raise our baby. We decided that we'd like the baby to first and foremost learn respect and obedience. We knew we wanted to raise a child who is fundamentally secured about who he or she is and with a firm understanding that we are there for him/her no matter what.

Our days would go on talking about these. As for me, I never stopped imagining how I'd take care of the baby. I knew that I wanted to have the baby breastfed, I also wanted to prepare his own food when he starts eating, inherently, I knew I am willing to sacrifice my career just to ensure that he gets the care and the attention that he needs as he develops. I even imagined how I'd teach him to speak, read and write. It was an endless daydreaming for me since I got all the time in the world on my hands.

If I were not dreaming about our baby, I'd be busy browsing the Internet for baby related stuff - clothes, appliance, cribs, etc. The baby gave about a new born passion, excitement and enthusiasm in me. I never felt this way before.

Somehow the baby's coming brought about a change - the kind of change that you knew you'd like to have for a very long time. It also brought a different level of maturity. It's the kind of maturity and lets you do things you never knew you could. It makes you very much aware of the consequences of your action and you decide to do or not to do things not for your own sake but for another person, a person you have not even seen or interacted in ways we are used to. Having a baby is the best feeling or experience I had in my life and I am glad that it happened at a time when I was at an age which is ready for this change and with a man whom I know I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

Calm Preparation

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 02:47:00 +0000

Since the doctor advised me against from working, I took a leave from work to be able to have a rest day. After a month of leave, we have decided that I completely resign from work since the doctor has not given any affirmation that I could go back to work.

It was an easy decision. Though I love my work and working, it was something that I could easily give up if that's the only way that I could do do to keep the baby. For the weeks to come, boredom became my friend. It was something very different for me. I was used to working and doing something so staying at home and not being allowed to do anything was annoying but every time I remember why I had to do it in the first place, the boredom becomes bearable.

During these weeks, my boyfriend and I dreamed all the dreams we could have for the baby. We are at split in the discussion of the baby's sex. He wants a boy and I want a baby girl. So we decided that if we were to have a boy, we'd name the baby Kalel Riordan and if the baby is a girl, she'd be Naomi Neiya. So there, it's either Kalel or Naya :)

On our second visit to the doctor, we were advised the same - I stay away from anything stressful and hard work. The bleeding had decreased but had not completely subsided.

With this, my boyfriend and I decided that I move to Baguio where my Grandma is so that I could have all the help that I could need not to mention that the hospital charges are much lower than in Manila. So I prepared my self for the travel. I rested as much as I could so that the bleeding will subside and drank my meds as religiously as I can, all in preparation for the trip to Baguio.

Trickle of Blood

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 05:54:00 +0000

Everything suddenly made sense for me. Though the baby was not among our primary goals, it was certainly change we very much welcomed.

There were so much thoughts and worries that flooded my mind. First my family did not know yet that I was pregnant and did his. Nobody knew about it but us. If there was any consolation in the whole situation, it was the strong assurance that I have my boyfriend by my side. H

e did not leave me even for a second. He took care of me and made sure that everything is taken cared of.

We casually told each of our families about the news and they all welcomed it. The worries that we had collapsed and everything seem to just fall into place.

However when I was on my 6th week, I got very scared because at the middle of our shift, just right after we had our lunch, I saw blood on my pantyliner. I did not know what to do. I know that I was not supposed to bleed. I asked my mom to accompany me to the hospital.

It was a very long wait for the results. And during the time of the wait all I was thinking was please, let my baby be safe. I had my ultrasound and I never knew that an ultrasound could give a person so much joy and relief. There it was on the screen, my tiny baby with its heart beating energetically. It was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life. It confirmed that there was indeed life in my tummy.

Later that day, the doctor confirmed that the bleeding I had was called subchorionic hematoma and advised me against working and to just have bed rest. And so that started my life of bed rest.

Two Red Lines

noreply@blogger.com (Serene Rain) — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 14:30:00 +0000

Weeks after our Holy Week vacation in Bicol, I noticed some funny changes in my body. My breasts felt tender and there were emotional outbursts that I did not usually have. Perhaps I was just stressed at work or that I was just having PMS. It went on like this for weeks. As I looked at my calendar and counted the days, I felt somewhat anxious to learn that the vacation we had been almost a month past and my period has not yet come. I talked to my boyfriend and we agreed to to have a pregnancy test done. He wanted to be there when I do my test.

It was after our shift. We checked in to a hotel. Soon as we got in the room, we did not waste any time and got into the business of pregnancy testing. As I dropped a sample of my urine to the slide, we anxiously waited for the lines to show. The first red line appeared and we quietly anticipated for the next window to show a line or not. There was a hushed tension in the room. It was only seconds but it felt like forever when finally the second red line appeared. Confirmed, I am pregnant!

There was a couple of seconds of silence as we let the message sink in us. When the silence was broken we both broke into a joyful laughter - we are having a baby! I watched my boyfriend as excitement was drawn all over his face. We were in that cloud nine for minutes.

After that joyful moment, we had a serious talk about how we would handle this change and blessing. We both know that from that moment, our life will change.

We did not plan to have a baby 9 months to our relationship but not in a flicker to time did we think to get rid of the baby. Having the baby was a gift we never expected to have. It was the kind of surprise that put tears in your eyes. Now, we are no longer just two people enjoying each other's company, we are now a single entity who thinks what best things to give this new life we have received.