I rode in the 2013 Tour de Cure in Birmingham, Alabama yesterday, and had a blast. My day didn’t start out very well. I woke up tired for some reason, then I couldn’t find any coffee before the ride started. Then, to top it all off, I fell down when I first started to get on my bike. Fortunately this happened at my truck. Finally, when the bike fell, my rear derailleur was bumped, which caused it to rub on the rear wheel spokes. Not good. I was relieved to find the Cahaba Cycles SAG vehicle. The mechanic took care of me.

Never listen to people when they tell you that the ride is flat. (Applies to running too) There were plenty of hills, and heavy people and hills do not get along. My goal was to ride the 63 mile course, but because I was extremely under trained, I ended up riding 18.5 miles. I hitched a ride back to the start from one of the support vehicles.

The first stop was 10 miles out, and it seemed to take a really long time to get there. The second stop was 8.5 miles later, and it seemed like I was there in no time. I knew my legs were toast, so instead of continuing on to the 63 mile course turnaround, I planned on riding back in. My legs disagreed, and I couldn’t even climb the first hill back. I looped back to the second stop and requested a ride back to base. Oh the dreaded ride of disgrace, but I knew I wasn’t pedaling back, and I sure wasn’t going to walk back. ha ha.

My stamina was fine, but my legs couldn’t handle another hill. I was hoping for a miracle of completing the course, but it just didn’t happen. I still had a blast at the event and learned the following:

• Hills are tough for everybody, especially heavy people. 
• Lots of on-the-bike training is a must. The stationary bike cannot be substituted for on-the-bike training.
• Stop at Starbucks on the way to the event.
• The odds of falling down are pretty good. Go ahead and get that out of the way before the event begins.

Here’s my to-do list for my upcoming events:

• lose weight. hills will be easier. I will be faster.
• train. train. train. ride. ride. ride.
• gain muscle. Again, hills will be easier.
• ride some more.
• have fun.

I’m so proud of my fellow One Nineteen teammates. Kimra finished 3rd overall in the 103 mile route and was the first female in (for the 103 mile route.) Emily (pictured above with me) and Ed rode the 63 mile event. Mandy, Donna, and Hannah rode in the indoor spinning event.

My dream is to complete 4 centuries this year, but after last Saturday’s event, I retain the same dream, but understand that it is most likely not going to happen. We’ll see how I train and eat from now until The Hot One Hundred in July.

Well, yesterday I was depressed. Today I’m feeling better. I just had a case of the after-binge blues.

My blues went away, yesterday, after I went to physical therapy and then swam.

Remember I posted this yesterday, “Also, I feel guilty about working at a fitness facility and behaving this way. I was thinking that magically my bad behaviors would stop.” I’ve been thinking about that, and wondering how heavy I would be now if I didn’t work at a fitness facility. I’m thinking that I might have been so depressed sitting at home that I would have just easily piled on 200 pounds. So, with this logic, it was, is, and always will be a blessing that I work where I work now.

I feel that I do better when I set outlandish fitness goals. Remember when I walked the Mercedes Half Marathon a couple of years ago at 400+ lbs. It felt so good to accomplish that race. I half heartedly trained for the event, but finished it, nevertheless. I tend to have big goals and dreams, then sometimes falter on preparation and execution. However, lets just say I have big dreams for this year. It’s okay to dream.

I found this biking challenge online, and I’ve had my thoughts set on it for a while, but didn’t want to post anything about it because I didn’t want to say that I was going to do something and not do it (again.) Thus, why I’m calling this a dream. Will I accomplish it in 2013? I don’t know. But it doesn’t hurt to try. Before I tell you my goal, I will mention that biking is safe for my back. I’ve put plenty of time in on my bike and a stationary bike to know that my back is fine with biking, so I’m not concerned that I will my injure myself.

So, my fitness dream for 2013 is this: completing four century bike rides in Alabama. See graphic below:

Click image for full size. Source: http://alabama-backroads-cycling.com/

I have the Tour De Cure bike ride coming up a week from today, and I am going to attempt the 64 mile ride although I’m not fully trained for it. I’ll have a better feel for it when I’m out on the route. If I feel extreme fatigue set in, I’ll turn around and go back, or get a ride from the SAG wagon.

There is one real fitness goal that I have for this year (for me it’s a fitness goal), become a certified life guard. Will I ever use this certification? I don’t know, but it’s just motivation to get a lot of swim time in.

Well, I have to get ready for work. By the way, I’m also turning off comments on this post because I don’t want to be criticized for having big dreams and goals. I’m just putting my thoughts out there.

By the way, I used to feel so guilty about posting that I would do something, then just drop the goal, but I’ve learned from working at a fitness center, that people do this all the time. In a way, it’s normal. I just used to get so much grief from people, that guilt would set in, which would lead to depression, and we all know what happens when I get depressed: I eat. I feel even better when I see the trainers say they are going to do some big event, then not do it. I don’t try to make them feel guilty or give them a hard time about it, I just understand them trying to find something for motivation.

I’ll post this quote again: “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” Jim Rohn

My weight is up, I binge eat on occasion, and I am depressed about my situation, which is, I was doing so well this time last year. I was down to 319 pounds, I was strong, and I felt great. Now my weight is up to 380, I’m still strong, but now I just feel blah.

In the past 10-12 mos or so (basically since I hurt my back) I’ve been on the roller coaster of gaining weight then losing weight, and this cycle keeps repeating. My all-or-nothing thinking is at an all time high. I’m either doing really well or really bad.

By the way, I turned comments off on this post because I allow your comments to do more harm than good. Meaning, there is nothing wrong with your comments, but my interpretation is off.

Sonthe says to not look back in the rear-view mirror, but I so wish that I could go back to that person that was doing so well, and was down to 319 pounds. It was easy then, but I did pay a price for it. Running and cross fit brought desired results quickly, but at the cost of injuring my back. I’m still trying to get back to my good habits.

In a way, I’ve done better than some, in that I haven’t gained back 300 pounds. I know that some people that have lost weight, when faced with a major event or depression, gain back their lost weight.

On one hand, the thought of some type of treatment facility would be nice, but that is too expensive, and won’t repair the environment that I live in. I must adapt to the environment that I live in. I’ve done it before. I will do it again. I just don’t know when. Every week, I do good for a day or two or three, then go back to binge eating. When I binge eat, then the exercise stops for a few day, drinking enough water stops for a few days. All or nothing thinking.

Right now I’m in the guilt phase of the binge eating process. I feel guilty about my behavior.

I’m going to continue riding the roller coaster, but maybe one day soon I’ll get back to being the person that I was last year.

Also, I feel guilty about working at a fitness facility and behaving this way. I was thinking that magically my bad behaviors would stop.

I used to believe that I was going to be exempt from all of those statistics that we hear about. You know, the ones that x% of people that lose weight gain it back. Now I’m starting to believe that I might turn into one of the statistics.

I know it’s easy to read this and cast a quick judgment, or quick recommendation, but I’m really starting to lose faith in myself.

I’m not going to give up, and a lot of this is guilt talking, but what am I going to do to get out of this funk? It seems like I’ve tried everything. If I had the money, I’d get into a different environment.

The depression in me thinks that I had a good run at it, but now it’s time to accept my statistical fate. My optimistic side, however, sees every day, week, month, year, to become the person that I am meant to be.

Now my thought process is that my week long vacation trip in less than two weeks will be a good time to kick-start a new regiment. Either way, I do look forward to spending the week with my girlfriend, Rachel.

My spinal block was on Thursday, April 25, and it got rid of the numbness in my foot for a few days, but the numbness is slowly returning. The experience of having my first block was interesting and painless. The folks in the St. Vincent’s East OR made it a great experience. The part that I was dreading the most, the insertion of the IV, was painless and fast. I didn’t know that a local anesthetic  was administered before inserting the IV. Once in the OR, all I saw and remember was the nurse anesthetist administer the anesthesia, then I was being woken up by the nurse in the post-op room.

The day after the block, I started feeling faint at work. Then I started running a slight fever and my face was flush. I freaked out for a little while because I thought that I was gonna have to go to the ER, but after speaking with a nurse, I was experiencing a steroid flush. The steroid from the shot was being absorbed into my body, thus making me run a slight fever. So, no big deal. Thankfully.

I have a follow up with the doc that gave me the spinal block soon. We’ll see if he recommends that I get another one. I believe it’s a good sign that the first block at least had an effect on the herniated discs.

I started Physical Therapy last Friday, and I will be seeing her again Monday and Wednesday next week. Physical therapy is a slow process, we’ll see how it goes over the following weeks.

Oh yeah, my custom orthotics arrived last week, too. I love them and wished that I had gotten them a long time ago when I first started my weight loss. It’s not so much about padding like I thought, it’s about positioning my foot. My foot feels in proper alignment with the orthotics. I notice a tremendous difference when I walk.

My weight is up, but my spirits are okay. I texted Dan last week and he convinced me to fast for 24 hours, and it really helps to end the cycle of binge eating. It helped me to feel true hunger, not the urge to eat all the time like I was feeling.

I’m starting my exercise regiment again tomorrow. I did walk an hour one day last week, but my exercise has been off since having the block. Now I’m ready to get back on it. I’m also going to be planning and watching what I eat.

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” Jim Rohn

I saw the doctor, that is going to give me the epidural block, yesterday. He will be targeting the nerves at L3-L4, L4-L5, and L5-S1. I hope to find out today when they can perform the procedure on me. Once I have the block, I will have a follow up appointment three weeks after. I am also going to call the back surgeon to see if/when I can start physical therapy. Although I really wanted to use the physical therapists at work because I trust in their abilities and it would be the most convenient location for me, I hope to see a lady at another facility because I hear she specializes in back physical therapy.

I also saw a podiatrist last week, and he’s ordered custom orthotics for me, which should be here is a couple of weeks. I read that custom orthotics can help with walking problems and lower back pain. He recommended that I have the epidural block before using the orthotics because initially they will make the pain worse. I believe that my body will take a little time to adjust to the new inserts.

I’ve also been thinking about going to see a chiropractor, but I don’t want to have too many cooks in the kitchen. What I might do is get healed (hopefully without surgery), then consult with a reputable chiropractor (that accepts my health insurance) and see if my spine is out of alignment.

Finally, what will help a lot with my back issues is to lose weight. I’m not doing so well in that department at the moment. However, I’m staying strong with seeing Dan, Sonthe, and going to the eating disorder support group.

I’ve been reading a book lately, Greatness by Choice, and it is a study on how some large enterprises do well in the exact same volatile environment, while others fail. The big discovery is explained in the “20 mile march”, in which two people have a race, the same journey of walking thousands of miles. One person walks as many miles as possible every day. If the weather is cool and calm, they can walk 40-50 miles in a day, which leaves them exhausted subsequent days. Also, if the weather is not ideal (extreme snow or extreme storms), this person will not walk any miles. On the flip side, the other person, no matter the circumstances, will walk 20 miles per day. Which requires a lot of discipline. On the cool, calm days, this person has the disciple to stop at mile 20. Also, on the rough days, this person has the discipline to walk in the extreme heat, snow, or rain. In the end, the 20 mile marcher finished the race well in advance of the other person.

So, I’m looking at ways in which I can shift from riding my emotional tidal waves like I’ve done since I started this journey, and become a 20 mile marcher.

I started Sunday with three daily tasks (my 20 miles), which are to exercise 60 minutes every day, read 60 minutes every day, and drink 128 oz of water every day.

Yesterday I floundered on the water and reading 60 minutes. I drank 80 oz of water and read for 30 minutes. I did do the exercise, but I did succeed every day since Sunday, and I will do it today as well. Notice that my “20 miles” has nothing to do with food. I’m leaving food out of the equation for the moment because I know that typically when I exercise, I eat better. So, I’m more focused on getting in the daily habit of exercising, no matter the conditions (i.e. sick, tired, bad weather, etc.), that I get my 60 minutes of exercise.

Dan explained his exercise regiment to me, which is to run an hour or a little more, every day. He also has one long run day in which he’ll run a long, long distance. (By the way, he wasn’t telling me to run, he was teaching me about the discipline to perform this task every day, no matter the weather.) I’m sure some people will think he’s nuts, but he even runs in the rain. The only weather he will not run in is an extreme thunderstorm that is producing a lot of lightening. Anyway, he explained that he’s been on this regiment for at least 10 years, and he’s only missed approximately 3 weeks due to either injuries or occasional bad weather.  That is fanatical discipline, BUT, that is required for extreme success.

He also explained that he and a running partner run the same trail together every morning, and have been doing it for years, and there is only one person they can think of that they see every day no matter the weather. They see a lot of the people out there that start up a program and eventually stop.

Anyway, Dan exercises more for his mind than any other reason. Which is the same reason I am focusing so much on exercise. I’ve noticed that my anxiety levels have been so high lately. My worst habit lately is to experience a bad event (binge eating or something negative at work) and I obsess over the event. I continually replay the event in my mind, thus amplifying my frustration about the event at the end of every replay. So, I figure that exercise is a good diversion from the negative thoughts and the exercise will make me mentally sharper.

Also, I want to read 60 minutes every day because I read in another book that successful CEO’s are constantly reading, constantly exploring. While I’m not aspiring to be a CEO, I am aspiring to be successful. Also, reading provides another distraction from anxious thoughts, and it takes the mind down different paths. I start to not only think of what I’m reading, but I also think about how my life is comparable to what I’m reading, or how I can improve things in my life from what I’m reading.

Anyway, there’s some food for thought today. I’ll be tweaking my “20 mile march” as I go. Cheers.

Well, I won’t be “backing it up,” anytime soon. My spirits are good enough for a little humor. What’s not funny is the pain in my back and left foot. OUCH! I’m a wuss when it comes to pain.

I received word from the surgeon that my latest MRI looks better than my first, which is good I guess. I saw the latest one, and it was not a pretty (or I’m a wuss.) Anyway, the recommended path is an epidural block and physical therapy. The first item of business is a consultation with the doc that gives the blocks next Wednesday. He’ll figure out what is the best path for me regarding the block. I’ve never had one, so I’m not familiar with the process. I hear that they are not painful, but I still have a fear of needles, especially ones GOING IN MY SPINE!

I see Dan Thursday, then the Podiatrist on Friday.

Good news: I’m not binge eating. I went Monday and Today without an episode. (well, today isn’t over with.)

I am doing some personal analog journaling (writing in a notebook with a pencil, so archaic, but so effective) (more jokes)

My spirits are high. I’ll keep taking one day at a time.

I really enjoyed Sonthe’s eating disorder support group yesterday. We sat at a conference room table and had a nice chat, which I enjoyed so much better than the Overeaters Anonymous meetings that I attended over ten years ago. Essentially  we went around the room and talked about what was bothering us, and this was enough fuel to keep the conversation going the entire hour.

I learned (again) that I’m not the only person that has problems, all eating disorders are very similar, and eating disorders are emotional issues, they are not all about food. When people think of binge eating, they thing that someone is obsessed with food, but it’s not so much a food addiction, it’s essentially an emotion disorder.

I aim to focus on stop obsessing over weight loss and fitness. I’ll stop with the obsessive dieting. I will do all things in moderation. I will relax, something I rarely do because of anxiety.

Happy thoughts to you.

Howdy folks, thank you for your kind words. It’s apparant that I’m going to have to step up the support for my injury and binging. Like one commenter said, I must slow down.

There is no perfect solution. I’m going to play it by ear, and follow the instructions of the professionals that are helping me.

I blogged yesterday at the worst part of the downward binge cycle. I physically felt miserable from what all I ate, and I also was feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t handle my yard work.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I received word about my thyroid levels. They are normal. So, I can check this off my list.

I hope to hear back from the back surgeon today or tomorrow, and I believe that he will prescribe physical therapy. So, this task is pending.

I’ve scheduled an appointment with an orthopedic doc to check out the numbness in my forearm. I’ve had it a few weeks, and it hasn’t dimished at all, so I’ll have it looked at. I probably did something to a nerve when I fell. This task, pending.

I’ve also scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist this Friday to see if I need custom orthotics, and to also take a peek at the way that I walk. I feel that I will benefit from proper shoes and custom orthotics.  I have some outstanding New Balance shoes, but because I’m walking funny, one shoe is completly worn out in the heel. This task, pending.

I’ll see both Dan and Sonthe this week, and I’m additionaly going to an eating disorder support group at their office today. I was invited, and I figure it wouldn’t hurt things. This task is pending as well.

My weight has taken a big hit from all the binging this past weekend.

I had a good friend pop over to my house yesterday. No one ever comes over, and I was really touched that he did. I wasn’t presentable for company, and my house was a mess, so I didn’t invite him in, which I felt bad about, but I knew that he would understand. I’m going to go visit him this week… I have a bad habit of getting depressed and staying out of touch with my friends. I just isolate myself. Honestly, I’m ashamed of how I behave. I don’t want anyone to see me in this condition. I know that I have to snap out of this funk. I’ve worked too hard to gain all my weight back. Thus, I’m putting every resourse I have to good use. I don’t give up without a fight.

I found out yesterday that a close friend of mine might have cancer. (I found out late in the afternoon, my outburst wasn’t related to this bad news.) I spend way too much time focusing on myself and my problems to maintain relationships with those important to me.

I’m still grieving over having to drop that class this semester. It weighs heavy on my heart because I’ve always wanted to earn a college degree. I believe that I have the smarts to earn it, but I’m running out of time and financial resourses. Looks like this accomplishment is gonna become a bucket list item. Ha! There are lots of successful people without college degrees.

So, I’m seeking all the help that I can get. I will snap out of this.

I’m going to stop with the daily posting for now.

I’m depressed from binging and not in a good frame of mind. Currently the blog is harming me more than doing good.

Judge me as you will.

I feel like shit and every time I stand up it hurts. Honestly, it’s almost more depressing working a gym because I get a front row seat to everything I want to do but can’t. I’ve been doing yard work this weekend, and I’m so slow. Ironically, it’s like being back at 600+ lbs.

Things will get  better, I’m just in the downward spiral.

Sonthe helped to calm my nerves today by providing me with more options for my snacks and meals.

She didn’t scold any of my decisions.

I’m back on schedule. My next bit of food will be this afternoon. I’ll have a Greek yogurt, banana, and apple. I’ll probably have a sandwich from the cafe for supper and later, follow that up with more fruit and Greek yogurt.

She instructed me to practice eating slowly and to drink plenty of water.

I’m putting my back in the hands of the doctor, so I’m not going to waste time worrying over something that I can’t control.

You’ll see the food options that I’ve been given over the next week. Consistency is my goal.

Fall down 10000 times, get up 10001.