Who Dem Is

Wonder How Deep a Mother's Love is?

2011-11-01T13:03:00.002-04:00

At least 10 feet deep of foam.

Today, I took Noah to a gymnastics class. He had a really fun time but it was hard to wait in line for turns to do most of the things. At the end of class, there were a couple of slides lined up by a foam pit. Noah happily slid down the slide then looked back at me with the most pure, happy smile I've ever seen on another person. A whole pit of foam for him to play in and explore.

He happily played with the other kids in his class then he scooted farther through the foam and found a place to hang out. He kept putting his head down, I think to see if he could figure out how deep it was. I kept reminding him that mommy needed to see his face at all times.

Little by little he moved his body so it would sink deeper in the foam. Each time he'd look right at me with a huge smile. After a little while, I he got deeper than I was comfortable with. His head was getting lower and lower into the foam. The teacher didn't seem to mind, but I asked how deep the pit was.

Around the same time, Noah started to move like he wanted to get up or move to another spot but he was so submerged in the foam he couldn't. He was stuck.

"It's 10 feet deep."

One of the other moms asked the teacher to get Noah and he began to cry frantically and was sinking farther into the foam because he didn't want her to touch him.

So at 35 weeks pregnant, I jumped in the foam pit and tugged hard on Noah. It was harder than I thought it would be to get him above the foam. He was happy and safely sitting on top of the foam. Then I looked up and realized I'd have to climb out of the foam pit somehow. Except my legs were stuck. I had to kick my way free then I had to do a pull up off of the side to get out.

I'm glad no one was video taping because I can only imagine it going viral.

Everyone was safe. And I realized there really is no limit to what a mother would do for her child.

Enjoying the Fresh Fall Air!

2011-10-11T23:31:00.004-04:00

Promises to Fancy

2011-09-24T09:23:00.007-04:00

When I first started this blog back in 2009, one of the first posts I wrote was a post called Promises to Demorris. Demorris was our fake baby name for Noah, and I had just read Malika Chopra's book Promises to My Children which made me want to make my own promises to my future child.

I'd like to make some of the same promises to Fancy, to add a few, and to expand on some.

1. I promise to love you for who you are. No matter who you choose to be in life, Fancy, you will always be my daughter, and you will always have a mom that wants the best for you and is willing to help you be the best you you were meant to be.

2. I'll be here to catch you when you fall, but I won't be standing right behind you waiting for it to happen. Mother/daughter relationships seem to be complicated sometimes, and I want you to know that I will try not to micromanage your decisions, but even when you don't see me, know I am there with you, and I will always be only a phone call, a walk or a conversation away.

3. I will understand you are not your brother and he is not you. I want Noah and you to love each other very much. Noah already talks to you daily, lifts my shirt to listen to you, pats you and you kick back at him. If your relationship now is any indication of the future, you two love each other a lot. I know as a parent the best thing I can do is recognize that you are two different people, and I will encourage you to have strong/healthy relationship. I will do my best to make sure that's possible for you both by not creating or allowing unhealthy competition or jealousy in our home.

4. Relationships with relatives. I promised your brother I wouldn't restrict relationships with relatives based on my feelings about those relatives, and I'd like to make you the same promise in a more complicated way. I promise to let you love who you love without consequence. I've learned a lot from being Noah's mom that I think will benefit you. One of the things I have learned is it is so important to make an effort with people that should be important in your children's lives, but I also understand now that just because someone is a relative it does not make them family. I promise to let you decide for yourself about people, but most importantly, I promise not to bring you around people that are toxic to our family. I made lots of efforts with different people for Noah's sake that I now realize were efforts that should have been made to encourage relationships with positive, loving family members and friends. I'll still make sure to bring you around to meet with anyone who wants to meet you or be a part of your life, but I'll make sure to have my mama bear on when we do, and no one will be allowed to mistreat you or other members of our family.

5. I promise to encourage your relationship with your dad. You're going to love your daddy. He's a great dad, and I know as a mom I need to make sure that I do what I can to give you two alone time to form your own relationship. I promise not to be jealous if you are closer to daddy than you are to me. I just want you to know you have two parents who love your brother and you more than anything in the world.

6. I promise to continue to work towards changing the world for you. Noah and I spent a lot of time lobbying in Annapolis this year for marriage equality and gender identity protections. Next year, I hope I can bring you both to Annapolis at least once. I know it's going to be more difficult, but I promise you will grow up knowing that I used my voice and the energy I could to work towards making the world a better place and somewhere we can both be proud of.

7. I promise you will learn about loving relationships by witnessing them. My relationship with you is so important to me. I promise to teach you how to love by loving you. I also promise you will see loving relationships between your brother and me, your father and me, your brother and father, and your father and you. We have a very strong family, and I hope you will always feel loved and secure.

8. I promise to love your dad no matter what. Marriages are complicated, and we're lucky we have a very strong marriage, but I promise no matter what the future holds, I will always love your dad and you will know that.

9. I promise to explore the world with you. Whether it's an ant whole or a trip to another country, I promise to explore, listen and enjoy the world around us. I know you will look at the world differently than I do, and I can't wait to see, hear and witness what you think about it and how you fit into it.

10. I promise to love you. No matter what. Pure and simple. No strings attached.

Getting the Shaft or Fancy's the Second Kid

2011-09-12T08:06:00.003-04:00

Over the last few days, Fancy has been kicking like a wild woman. Yesterday, she was active for around 20 hours. I am not exaggerating at all. Today she seems to be passed out in my belly after what I imagine felt like she ran a marathon yesterday. Now that she's moving around a lot I feel so much more connected to her. I can tell when she likes or dislikes something, and she often kicks and moves around a lot more when Noah talks to her or when I hold him. I like to think of it as their connection to each other. Sometimes Noah tells me she's hungry or sad or happy or wishes she had shoes in my belly.

After we had Noah we were so in love with him, I considered never having another child. My heart was so full of love for him I didn't think it would be fair to have another child and run the risk of not being able to love the baby as much as I love him. Now that I almost in my third trimester of pregnancy, I realize how ridiculous that sort of thinking is. My heart is expanding like a rubberband, and I am overwhelmed with excitement and love for Fancy's arrival.

I feel sorry for her already. I haven't written any posts about her since we found out we were having a little girl, and I have only written one other post about pregnancy before this one. I guess I'm already slacking on documenting her life. She even has to share a blog that is named for her brother when he was in utero.

I promise to love her and shower her with as much love and attention as possible once she is born.

Here's a picture I took last night when I realized how big my baby belly has gotten. I'm trying for "I'm pregnant, no way" in the photo. How did I do?

Did YOU See Me?

2011-09-01T14:07:00.005-04:00

Today, I gave Noah a bath after lunch because he'd had a few dirty diapers, and Ash is on work travel so I figured if we did bath time earlier maybe he'd get tired for a nap, and then we could just drive around at bedtime instead of our usual exhausting hours long bedtime routine.

While we were in the bathroom, I looked down for three seconds or so to grab Noah's towel because he had been splashing some and I wanted to wipe some bubbles from his forehead. Lately, he's been trying to use a little bath toy of his to drink bath water. Every day we explain to him that the bath water is not clean and that he can have a drink of water right after the bath. So I looked down and I heard the little toy go in the water then a quick noise that sounded like Noah gulping.

I looked up and asked, "Noah did you just drink bath water?"

He smiled from ear to ear then rolled his eyes to the side, his new look anytime he's about to or has just completed doing something mischievous. His smile got even wider as he looked right at me.

"Did you see me, Mommy?"

I paused for a second confused. He's two, right? Did my two year old just ask me if I saw him doing something naughty when I asked if he did something naughty?

I tried not to crack a smile with my eyes, as I looked back at him.

"Noah, Mommy is asking you if you drank bath water. Did you?"

Again, more indignant this time, he looked at me with the side eyes. "Did you see me?"

So I explained that I didn't see him but that I heard the toy hit the water and then a gulp come from him. And that it didn't matter if I saw him he was supposed to answer me honestly because he knows he isn't supposed to drink bathwater.

Again, he smiled then laughing heartily he repeated, "Did you see me? No."

I am in trouble.

Noahisms

2011-08-15T20:53:00.004-04:00

Noah has entered a really fun phase recently. He's two now, and he has a great sense of humor, and now that he's talking more he makes Ash and me laugh more and more every day.

Ash traveled for work recently and while he was traveling we couldn't talk to him on the phone. When he got back home, Noah and I were in California for a conference I wanted to attend.

After almost three weeks of solo parenting, and traveling from the east coast to the west cost alone with Noah, I was a little tired. I feel like I do a great job keeping up with Noah for a lady who is 5 something months pregnant, but even I need a break sometimes. One morning, I told Noah we were going to head to the San Diego Zoo but I needed to sit down for about 20 minutes first.

Noah looked at me and said, "Call daddy!"

I figured he missed Ash so I called Ash and put him on speaker phone. As soon as Ash answered Noah said, "Hi Daddy, help me, mommy's stuck." Ash and I each laughed really hard and we tried to explain to Noah that I was sitting down, I wasn't stuck.

Noah Fancy and me in San Diego

Last night at dinner Ash was talking to Noah a lot as we ate. He kept asking Noah questions about the food, his day and so on. Noah looked at Ash, then pointed to Ash's plate and said, "Daddy, Mommy said EAT!"

Every day, Noah seems to learn something new, and every day he seems to laugh more often and heartier at the things around him. It's like he gets more and more and each new thing he learns makes him love his life and the world a little more. It's completely humbling and wonderful to be around.

He walks into a room, smiling from ear to ear. If Ash and I are both there he says, "Hi Mommy. Hi Daddy." Then he goes to the opposite end of the room and runs at us with his arms open wide, a smile set on his face and lands in one of arms, hugs us then runs to the other. Sometimes he kisses each of us and then demands we kiss each other and these moments that may only last a minute seem to fill my heart up like they are forever.

When a Pregnancy What If Really Becomes a What If

2011-08-01T21:20:00.004-04:00

Two weeks ago, Ash and I went in for the anatomy scan for the new baby in my belly. We got to Johns Hopkins Hospital 40 minutes before our 8 am appointment, and the woman checking us in was super nice to us. When I asked where I could buy a bottle of water after almost throwing up from the water in their water fountain, she brought Ash and me each our own water bottles from their supply. A few minutes later, we were in the room sneaking peaks at our daughter. We'd been calling the baby Fancy as a joke name for weeks (in the spirit of Demorris), and I was delighted to find out the baby was a little girl. As the tech was doing the scan, Ash, she and I chatted about fake and real baby names and laughed a lot. She told us, Fancy was transverse and had her back to us so she couldn't get good readings of the heart. As she looked at the heart, I could only see three of the chambers moving. I didn't think anything of it, and so when she left the room for a long time to see if the doctor would be satisfied with the pictures we got, Ash and I texted people, called some people, and updated our facebook statuses with the info that our family would soon have a little girl in it.

A few minutes later, the previously jovial tech came in with a completely sullen face. She explained we'd have to come back for a scan of Fancy's heart in a week or two. I explained that Ash was about to leave for 20 days, and that I'd like him to be there for it. She explained that while she didn't think Fancy had a MAJOR birth defect, they couldn't rule it out. She kept saying major birth defect. They explained to us that there is a small window to see these things and to still have options. Our elation over the news that we were having a little girl stopped. Did they say termination? Huh? It's standard procedure to let folks know these sorts of things.

We left the office and met back up with the nice woman who checked us in and she let me know that they would schedule me for two weeks, and that she'd be happy to see me again.

I held it together until we walked a little farther down the hall and then I cried. Only briefly.

Ash left for a long work trip where he wouldn't have access to a phone and time went by. On Friday, I had an appointment with my midwife where she told me they may have seen light in the pictures of Fancy's heart. Light can mean a hole in the heart, and a hole in the heart is one of the marker's for genetic disorders. There are plenty of things it could be, severe heart defect, downs syndrome, trisomy, or something mild.

I sat up each night in Noah's room watching him sleep and rubbing my belly. I said the same prayer I've been saying since 5th grade for my fertility and that I have healthy, happy children. I waited for what felt like an eternity to see Fancy's heart again.

I felt hesitant about heading to the ultrasound today. I had opted to go alone, and my parents came in to stay home with Noah while I went. Until I got to the hospital it seemed completely reasonable to me that I would go alone so I could react however I wanted to react before I had to share the news with anyone else. Until I thought back to a year ago, when I laid alone in an emergency room in Seattle while Noah and I accompanied Ash on a work trip, and an ER doctor held my hand as he told me I was losing the baby I was pregnant with. Did I really want to be alone for potentially devastating news again?

A few seconds later, the same ultrasound tech we had the last time emerged and called me back. Within the first few minutes of the scan she let me know Fancy was still not cooperating. But a couple minutes later, Fancy started flashing her heart. I immediately saw all four chambers pumping away. I squinted trying to see if I saw any light. The heart scan lasted about an hour the same amount of time the full body scan took two weeks before.

The tech let me know she really liked us, and so she was looking at every vessel leading into the heart and surrounding areas as well as the heart to do a more complete scan than the one I was there for.

She told me in her opinion Fancy's heart looked great. She left the room to confirm with the doctor and reemerged before I could draft an email to Ash, beaming with her thumb up. "The doctor says Fancy's heart is GREAT!"

I can't really describe how happy and relieved I felt. I walked past the front desk and the women shouted after me, "Take care, Amanda." I stopped and sent Ash an email titled, "Fancy's heart is GREAT!" in case he could only read the subject heading or something.

Then I went to get my car from the valet, and just as I walked up to the kiosk my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, and when I answered it was Ash. I was so happy to be able to tell him the great news. We talked about the experience, he told me he loved me and then he started to say something else but he lost the call. I sent him an email telling him how nice it was to talk to him, and I saw one from him that said he was about to tell me to tell our son and our daughter how much he loves them.

Perfect day.

Wordless Wednesday: Second Birthday!

2011-07-27T20:53:00.000-04:00

Our Baby is Growing Up

2011-06-25T10:33:00.005-04:00

This morning, Ash and Noah were dancing to a Katie Perry cd. Noah was wearing Ash's hat and Ash was wearing my favorite white sox hat. Noah was twisting and turning to the music when he saw me cooking up some pancakes out of the corner of his eye. Then he shouted, "Mommy, daddy steal your hat!" And I stopped, looking at my almost two-year old dance with his daddy, and I realized that even though it feels like yesterday we met Noah in person, it's been almost two years. He says sentences sometimes now.

I thought I'd share two pictures today. One of Noah when he was three months old laying in a hotel bed in San Diego on his first trip to California, and one from last week in Cape Cod on his second trip to the Cape.

Noah's Baby!

2011-06-17T12:02:00.003-04:00

I know I've mentioned that ever since Noah was small Ash and I have fought over whether he is "mama's baby" or "dada's baby" so it shouldn't surprise me that he is aware of what it means. He's always laughed and smiled from ear to ear as Ash and I vie for his affections.

Today, Noah is in a very affectionate mood. He's been coming up to me all morning to kiss me. A little while ago he came up and gave me a big kiss then he kissed my belly and with the biggest grin I've ever seen on his face he looked up at me and said, "My baby! No daddy and mommy. Sister baby. Myyyy baby."

I sat on the couch laughing and crying at the same time.

On the Anniversary of Loving vs. Virginia: A Family Like Mine

2011-06-12T11:47:00.012-04:00

Today is the anniversary of the landmark case Loving vs. Virginia, the case made famous because 44 years ago today it struck down the last of the anti-miscegenations laws that existed in the United States. Anti-miscegenation laws made it illegal for people of different "races" to be married or even engage in sexual activity together. When I think about my 31 years here on earth, it baffles my mind to think that 13 years before I was born (around the same amount of time I've been with my husband) it would have been illegal for families like mine to exist in parts of this country.

To think that when my parents and Ash's parents were children laws like this existed is a lot to wrap my brain around. But when I see how we are sometimes welcomed or not welcomed by other people in our country, I remember that families like ours were and to a very large extent still are an anomaly here. Even though laws have changed in all of the states throughout our country, our family or Ash and I have a couple have experienced being almost run off the road while racial slurs were yelled at us, things said to us on streets and public places, extended family or friends saying ridiculously racist things like I would miscarry because black and white people weren't meant to have babies together and all kinds of questions that range from if I'm actually Noah's parent to weird compliments about his eye color and skin tone.

And while we are always reminded by the outside world when we are together as a family that we are different or interesting or special or however it is framed, we have have the privileges and rights of most other families here. We are allowed to love each other completely, openly, and without legal discrimination (at least in theory). For every sad story we have there are nine more amazing stories of random strangers sharing their tables, coffee, desserts, stories and love with our family. We've traveled throughout the United States and to London as a family of three. Ash and I have traveled throughout the U.S., Europe and to Japan together as a couple. And we have had a chance to show people at home and throughout the world what a happy, loving, multiracial family looks like. And we could do that if Ash and I weren't married, but it makes it so much easier to know that our family has legal protections should we ever need them.

Being a part of a family that is constantly reminded that the privileges we have were not always guaranteed makes us feel differently when we see loving, committed couples and families not guaranteed those same privileges. It's why we've lobbied our congresspeople, why we try to educate other people and why we care so much about the struggles of couples and various kinds of families in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community. We realize that loving who you love should be celebrated and rewarded, not discriminated against or denied simple equality. I understand that some people find it hard to understand the relationship between families like mine and families in the LGBT community. I imagine they would have found it hard to see the link between families like theirs and families like mine before it was mandated by law that we were equal to theirs. I understand that we are afraid of people and things that are different than us or what we are used to. I understand that laws don't change people's hearts or minds.

But I also understand that love is love. I understand that it would be completely unacceptable for me to bask in the work and efforts of those that came before me for my family to exist without trying ensure that all families have a chance to live and love openly like mine. And I'm not the only person that looked at Loving vs. Virginia and felt that way.

On June 12, 2007, the 40th anniversary of Loving vs. Virginia, Mildred Loving, half of the couple in Loving vs. Virginia delivered this message as part of a speech she prepared for the anniversary:

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don't think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the "wrong kind of person" for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard's and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That's what Loving, and loving, are all about.

Why I Care About Politicians' Sex Lives

2011-06-09T07:38:00.006-04:00

Politicians seem to always be in the news for sex scandals. Nothing is new about this. If you go back in our country's history you'll find that many of the current and former leaders of our country had sexual indiscretions that have been well documented. Oftentimes, I read threads and articles that talk about why we shouldn't judge politicians based on their sex lives because what does it have to do with their jobs as politicians? Every time I read something like this I scoff.

Let me preface my next statements with some full disclosure. I am/was/will always be a Bill Clinton fan girl. In fact, I love him so much that the one time in 12 years of being together that I've seen Ash act jealous at all was the time I was standing five feet from Bill Clinton at one of Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Push conferences. Ash stood in between us, and so I'd like to start with my Bill Clinton. We all know what he did or at least some of the things he did while he was married to our current Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. But do we all think about how he was the President that signed the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) into law on September 21, 1996? The discriminatory law that states marriage is between a man and a woman. I know he now supports same sex marriage or marriage equality or marriage for folks in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community and he regrets his support of DOMA, but our President was getting blow jobs from an intern while he was deciding that the "sanctity" of marriage between a man and a woman needed to be protected. Hypocrite much?

Politicians make it their business to be involved in our sex lives. And so, I think it's only right for me to be involved in theirs. How many times do you hear of a political sex scandal and think what does that have to do with their jobs? I say everything. Until the folks in Washington and the state bodies throughout our country want to give consenting adults the right to decide what happens in their own sex lives, then I plan to be judging, following and condemning their own actions in their bedrooms, hotels, cars, airports, and on and on.

Beyond the sex, politicians who lack integrity, lack integrity. It comes through in the decisions they make to support or vote for laws. While it doesn't matter, I feel comfortable commenting on all of this because I haven't nor will I ever cheat on my husband. I'm saying that. The first time I said that when Ash and I first were married, people told me I couldn't say that. I realized they meant they couldn't say that. I said I wouldn't smoke weed in 4th grade and here I am today never having smoked weed. But it doesn't matter that I wouldn't cheat on my husband because I'm not a hypocrite. I support full equality for all people. I lobby for, march for, educate others and personally give my support for marriage equality or same sex marriage and gender identity protections.

This morning, I read the allegations that the current Speaker of the House John Boehner had an affair with Lisbeth Lyons which I somehow missed in February. John Boehner is the guy who hired the super pricey lawyers to help defend DOMA. He's the one that mentioned the importance of protecting the sanctity of marriage when he decided to do that. So let me get this right, we may have to add John Boehner to the list of hyprocrite politicians that work to deny marriage rights to loving LGBT couples while simultaneously disrespecting its sanctity? Is anyone else getting sick of this?

I have a solution that I think we may find mutually beneficial. Politicians - stay out of our sex lives and we'll stay out of yours.

Best Friends

2011-06-05T08:42:00.008-04:00

The other day, I jokingly asked Noah who his best friend was.

"Mommy?" I said enthusiastically. "Or daddy?" I used much less enthusiasm.

Noah looked at both of us, smiled wide and shouted, "Daddy"as he hugged Ash.

He laughed heartily. Noah's favorite thing in the world is when Ash and I play fight over him. Since he was tiny we've passed him back and forth, grabbing for him while saying, "He's mama's baby" or "he's dada's baby!" Noah lights up and soaks in all the attention and our fake disappointment. It works well when he doesn't want to leave one of us and the one that wants/needs to take him has to find a good/tear-free way to separate him from his chosen parent of the moment.

I rephrased.

"Noah, who's your best friend. Mama or mommy?" He smiled, reached for me and obliged, "Mommy!"

The truth is, Noah loves us both, and there are times where he prefers one of us over the other. But he does it in just a way that we each feel like the most important person in the world. He pours love out to each of us. But, he really looks up to Ash. He wants to play ball like Ash, he wants to wear his shoes, and he even tries to walk like Ash when he follows him down the hallway. Don't get me wrong, he also loves to wear my running shoes, headbands and White Sox hat, but there is just something special about the bond between Ash and Noah.

Here they are yesterday, tackling mowing the lawn together.

Blogging for LGBT Families: Our Commitment to You

2011-06-01T10:03:00.008-04:00

To all LGBT families,

Today is blogging for LGBT families day. And I really had hoped that this year, I'd be able to say that our little family helped your families in Maryland receive some of the rights and protections under the law that other folks fought for back in 1967 so our multiracial family could exist today. I don't want to focus on the disappointments we faced this year, but instead, I want to take today to recommit our family to fighting for what is right, what is inevitable and what will come next year. Your families deserve it. Not because I think so, but because it's what's right, humane, fair and logical.

We're going to make sure to lobby our legislators and talk to our neighbors and travel to Annapolis again next year to make sure that Maryland becomes one of the very next states to pass marriage equality and gender identity protections.

Earlier this year, Noah, Ash and I spent time talking with our legislators in person, writing them letters, calling (their staff often recognized my voice as soon as I called) to try and get marriage equality and gender identity protection legislation passed in our little state. When it didn't we were heartbroken, but we came home to protections for our families, while yours still had to go without. I understand laws don't change hearts, but I also understand how important it is to have them to protect your rights. To protect each other, your families, your children, yourselves.

This winter, we'll welcome another soldier for equality to our family, and hopefully the four of us will make as many personal visits, calls and letter writing as we need to do to help make sure Maryland passes these two important pieces of legislation. At the same time, I recognize that we really need to have these laws to protect families on a national level, and I'd like to commit our family to helping to move forward more permanent legislation on a national level.

I'd like to send extra love today to my transgender sibling Aren and my sister-in-law (though not legally) Andy. You have a beautiful family, and our commitment is for every LGBT family out there, but there's a little extra love and commitment directed to you all.

In solidarity with a full heart full of hope and fire,

Amanda

Pregnancy After Miscarriage

2011-05-31T09:50:00.005-04:00

People say every pregnancy is different. It's why women love to give each other pregnancy advice, and why for the most part, what worked really well for a friend, coworker, neighbor, or a random stranger may not work for you. I completely understood that having a second child would feel different than having Noah. With Noah, every single aspect of pregnancy was new. All I could think about in the moments that the rooms I was in were silent was how amazing that baby was going to be, and how a life-long dream of mine was about to come true.

When we decided to have children in the fall of 2008 when it looked like our country was about to elect our first black President we had so much hope and wonder when we looked forward to becoming parents. We were prepared for it to take several months to a year to get pregnant, and we were pleasantly surprised when we got pregnant the first month we stopped trying to not get pregnant. And while I had gestational diabetes, and Noah was born premature, my sugars were completely diet controlled and Noah was perfectly healthy and so much more than we ever dreamed he could be. Being parents was truly the most amazing thing we'd ever done. And we've done a lot of cool stuff.

It was around then that I started to think about secondary infertility. I had a conversation with someone or read an article or something and then I began to read more and more about couples that had trouble having another child. For some reason, things seemed to come too easily with Noah so I feared if we decided we wanted a sibling for him we wouldn't be able to. I had been praying for my own fertility since 5th grade so I realize that many people don't think about things like this. But I do. I also suffer from extreme optimism so I always am trying to find ways to calm my own grandiose ideas down. I've never been able to buy lotto tickets or things like that because I am convinced I will win. No matter what the odds are against me I am always shocked when the 1 in a billion odds don't go my way.

So one hot summer day last year, when Noah and I ran into growling unleashed german shepherds in the woods near our house, and I calmly explained I was a mommy to them and they moved aside to let us pass, I was confused. The only other time in my life animals had been that nice to me was when I was pregnant with Noah. Animals seem to sense those sorts of things. And the next day when I felt the same feeling I felt with Noah in the car that there was an extra little spirit with us, I decided to take a pregnancy test even though we were not trying or even trying not to try not to get pregnant. If that makes sense. When the test came back positive and three more after it, I couldn't believe it. The timing was earlier than we had planned, but we were so incredibly excited.

And when I lost the baby when we were traveling to Seattle with Ash for work. I was completely devastated. It took me a very long time to even be able to talk about it without crying. In fact, I had just really become comfortable with it when we decided it was time to start trying again. The week our other baby would have been born, I had that same little magical there's another spirit in the room with us feeling. Breastfeeding Noah felt like someone was cutting me with shards of glass.

And so, even though it was six days before my expected period I took an early response pregnancy test. Sure enough it came back positive. I spent the next three weeks checking the toilet frantically for any signs of miscarriage. I was convinced that it couldn't be. I had done such a good job of preparing myself for the worst case scenario that it was hard to be truly ecstatic the way I was with Noah. I would have moments where I jumped up and down out of pure joy that we were having a second baby to only be overcome with the sinking feeling that something had to be wrong. I should stop being so excited. I didn't want to let myself down. It couldn't be this easy to have another baby.

Around 6 weeks 5 days into the pregnancy, I woke up with a sharp pain in the lower left side of my belly. "This is it, I told you." I said to myself. I called Ash at work and let him know that something was wrong. Pains like this weren't normal, and if he could he should stay near a phone in case I had to go to the doctor. I called my midwife's office, and they said to lay down for an hour and drink tons of water, but to call immediately if the pain didn't change or subside in that time. They didn't know I have the most active toddler in the world, but somehow I coaxed Noah into laying on the couch and reading books for most of the hour. The pain didn't go away, in fact, I felt like it might be worse. So I called back and they asked me to come right in. Ash stayed home with Noah, and I headed in to meet with one of the OBs that works with the midwife practice I'm seeing.

A cheerful middle-aged male OB came in and talked to me. He gave me an exam then told me they had to make sure the baby was in the right place in my uterus, and that I was going to have an ultrasound. I explained to him that I had a miscarriage the previous fall. He was very reassuring but not in an obnoxious way, and then said, "Let's go to the good machine. It'll let us hear a heartbeat too."

We headed to the ultrasound room and sure enough the baby was in the right place and we immediately heard a strong little heartbeat. He was beaming. "That's a good sign, right?" I asked cautiously. "That's your strong baby! Everything is perfect. You have internal bleeding because you most likely just had an ovarian cyst rupture. It'll hurt for a couple more days. But the baby is doing great!"

I cried happy tears.

And then, I stopped checking the toilet when I peed. I knew I needed to let myself be happy. That lasted a while until I woke up with a migraine type of headache and when I got what was either the stomach flu or food poisoning. I began to check the toilet again for any sign of anything wrong.

We're near 13 weeks now, and even though anything can happen at any time, statistically there is much less of a chance of that. But I can't help but worry whenever something feels wrong. I imagine it's going to be like this for the rest of the pregnancy and the upcoming birth. And I imagine I will always make cautious comments about this pregnancy. It's been a lot tougher for me physically and emotionally than being pregnant with Noah was.

I think I have to accept that while these children are different and I have an infinite amount of love for each of them, so am I. I am not the carefree, idealistic mother-to-be that I once was. Life has changed me and that's okay. It's who I am. And it doesn't mean I'm less excited about this baby or love it any less than Noah. It just means I love it differently because I am different now. And that's okay.

Me, Mine, My

2011-05-26T21:10:00.005-04:00

Ash is away on work/music travel this week in Prague and France. When he's away, he always worries that something new or big will happen with Noah while he's gone.

This week, Noah's started to say "me" "mine" and "my" and for the life of me I don't know how or why. As far as I know, I spend a majority of the day with Noah, and I've never taken anything from him and said mine or anything like that. It must just be human nature.

When he throws something he shouldn't that is hard, and I worry it'll break something, he grips it tight as I try to hide it away and shouts, "Mine!!!" When I start to brush his teeth at night, and he wants to do it himself he shouts, "Me!!!" at me. I know I shouldn't love it, but I think it's absolutely adorable when he runs around saying, "Noooooo, mine!" I can't help but laugh every time at the ridiculousness of him stealing the toilet paper from me and telling me it's his.

And when I go to brush his teeth and he yells, "No, m-o-m-m-y, me!" I chuckle into my sleeve.

His selfishness is absolutely adorable and charming. The more words he learns and the more he puts little sentences together the more fun he seems to have. The neighbor girls came and asked Noah to play outside today and they all sat around thinking of words for him to repeat. He happily obliged then tried to steal one of their necklaces and screamed, "Mine!" as the necklace and the 12 year old girl flew forward towards him. I'm pretty sure he was claiming both of them.

Date Night

2011-05-21T08:38:00.007-04:00

On Thursday, I took Noah to his gym class and they mentioned that there were still 10 spots open for Parents Night Out at the gym on Friday (yesterday). Parents night out is a three hour event where if you pay some money, your little one gets to play at the gym with other kids and eat some pizza while you go out on your own. They allow kids 18 months and up, and when Noah was around 17 months old we talked about trying it out. We made up excuse after excuse for why we couldn't drop Noah off there. What if the big kids bullied him? What if he fell off of some of the equipment? They use daycare standards so that means 10 to 1 kids to adults, how could anyone watch that many kids at once?

Noah's almost 22 months old, and so on Thursday, I thought it sounded like a good idea. I nonchalantly mentioned it to Ash Friday morning as he left for work, and he paused. I could tell he thought it was a good idea too. His birthday is tomorrow and on Monday he leaves for a work/music trip to Eastern and Western Europe.

Around 2 pm, I talked to Ash on the phone, and we decided if there was still an opening we'd try it out. Worst case scenario, we'd have to go right back to pick Noah up or we wouldn't be able to leave him there. So I left a message at the gym saying we were interesting in finding out if there were still openings. I checked their website and realized it was likely that no one would be there until later in the afternoon just before the 5:30 start of the Parents Night Out. So I emailed Ash and told him I thought we'd hear from them closer to 5 pm, and that I thought he should get home at 5 and we'd either take Noah to the gym or all go walk around somewhere together.

Sure enough at 4:48 they left me a message saying there was room for Noah. I spent some time in the day explaining to Noah that he was going to have a special night without mommy and daddy. I told him we'd take him to his gym and we all know how much fun he has there and that he'd get to play for a while with other kids and teachers without mommy and daddy there. Then I told him we'd pick him up later.

We got to the gym and Noah immediately ran in and began running around. Ash and I were apprehensive. Would he freak out if we tried to leave? Noah came over and asked Ash to play with him in the gym and we explained that it was a special night where he'd play alone. He raised his eyebrows then ran away to play and didn't look back. We ran out the door before we had a chance to change our minds. This was the first time in over 16 months that we were leaving Noah to do something together.

After a little chatting we decided to head to the historic district of a neighboring town. It's really cute with little shops and restaurants on the main drag. Three hours isn't enough time to do dinner and a movie, but we figured it was enough time for dinner. We walked up and down the street checking out the menus of a local brewery (we had to limit the money we were going to spend on dinner since we were paying for Noah's night out too!) We passed a sandwich bistro that we decided was a good option, and then went to check out a pub someone had suggested. Pub food is cheap so we figured we had to look at the menu. After a minute or so we both decided the ambiance wasn't exactly date night material and I noticed the fries weren't the kind I'd want to eat. So we headed back up the street toward the Bistro. On our way we noticed a little Italian restaurant and stopped to look at the menu. I stayed on the side while Ash read it. "This looks reasonable." I asked if they gnocchi because I'd been craving it for days. They did and it wasn't that expensive. We walked in and the restaurant had the charm of a little family owned restaurant we'd been to Brugges back in the day when Ash was on a music tour in Europe.

They asked if we had a reservation and we did not. But luckily they had one table left if we didn't mind not sitting in the main dining room. We hadn't been out to eat a restaurant alone together in 20 months so we didn't care where we sat. The table ended up being cute with a candle and there was nice classical music playing the background. All along our walk we'd been talking about politics. I told Ash about the President's speech I watched on the middle east and so when we sat down we continued to talk about politics. We ate fresh bread dipped in olive oil and laughed and chatted about why I'd never vote for a Republican candidate for President, why primary elections are so important, about Ash's work, the world, our ideas and thoughts. A few minutes in we were each smiling from ear to ear. And each of us said, "This is why we're together. We really like each other." That's not to say that we don't like each other every day, but it is rare for both of us to eat at the same time even if we're at the table together. Having a very active toddler means one of us is helping him eat, or picking up food, or stopping him from jumping ship at dinner. When it was time to order we easily decided on two dishes to split. We ate slowly and the food was amazing. We talked and talked and talked. Everything about the date had the makings of two people falling in love again.

After dinner we strolled for a bit and realized it had only been an hour and a half. What would we do with the other hour and a half? We debated going to a coffee shop then decided to head for ice cream near Noah's gym so we could chat and have some dessert. We had ice cream and sat outside for a bit but both of us got cold and we realized we each wondered how Noah was doing at his gym. Was he having fun? We hoped he wasn't getting bullied. They would have called if he cried the whole time, right?

We realized that there was a half hour or so left of our Parents Night Out, but that at this point we'd had a wonderful night and we both wanted to pick Noah up early. The teachers mentioned that most of the kids cry after their parents leave are fine for the rest of the time and then start crying when the first parents arrive. We didn't want to be anything but the first parents to arrive so Noah wouldn't worry where we were. We headed into the class and noticed a group of children laughing and standing by the ball pit and the teacher that I asked to make sure Noah didn't fall down by the ball pit too. After a few seconds we realized Noah was in the ball pit entertaining the teacher and about six other kids. The teacher said to Noah, "Guess who's here?" Then she lifted him out to see us. Noah smiled from ear to ear, waved his arms as he got closer. Then he said something to us and ran away to play again. He continued to dance and play for the next thirty minutes. He came by twice to check on us but ran away to have fun each time. We'd been worried that Noah wouldn't get attention but it was obvious that Noah had managed to get a teacher mostly to himself for the duration of the time and he seemed to be working the room full of children quite well.

One of the teachers told us he didn't cry or fuss for them once and that there was a time where the other 20+ kids spent with Noah leading them in clapping and dancing. She nonchalantly mentioned that Noah has more energy than any other child she's ever met, and it made us laugh. Oftentimes we say that to other parents and they tell us their kids do too and I wonder why I'm so exhausted at the end of the day. It felt reassuring to see that a teacher that sees that many kids knew exactly what we were talking about. He's lovely, but a little ball of energy. They were doing a zip line and pretending surf while we watched. The teacher explained to the kids that they would each get a turn and after their turn they would have to sit down and watch the other kids instead of running around. At that point, Noah got up in front of the class and started waving his arms and yelling something to the kids. I heard the teacher say, "Listen to Noah!" Noah continued to tell the kids a few things and they all listened and did what he wanted. We couldn't believe that Noah was working a room full of so many kids, mostly older than him so well.

When it was time to leave, Ash carried Noah out and part of me wondered if he had missed us at all. That's when Noah started chanting, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" and reaching for me. I took him and he gave me the biggest smile I've ever seen then popped his thumb in his mouth and leaned in to cuddle me on the way to the car.

I could tell he was saying, "I had the time of my life tonight, but I still want to go home with you guys." And we felt the same way.

Learning to Sleep Without Crying It Out

2011-05-18T10:18:00.010-04:00

This is not a post about crying it out. I'm not going to get preachy or judgmental about parents who do or don't cry it out. What I want to explain here is why we never did cry it out, and why I am confident Noah will sleep on his own before college. Maybe even sooner.

When Noah was an infant, I slept sitting up and held him upright all night long because he had reflux. I did that until he was 4 months old when he signaled to me that he wanted to sleep next to me. He slept there until one day when he flipped around so much and crawled out of our bed. He was 15 months old, and we moved him into his crib in his own room at that point.

Noah is 22 months old, and I have gotten up every time he's needed me in the night. It makes sense to me, and it seems to work well for Noah. This doesn't mean that I need less sleep than anyone else or that I never wish I'd had a better night's sleep. But it feels right. I cannot in my right conscience sleep or lay there knowing that Noah needs or wants me to be there. I worry far too much about making him feel abandoned or creating someone that is clingy later in life because I wasn't there when he wanted/needed me. That's the decision we've made for our family. And now that I'm pregnant again, there are moments where we've wondered if we've done the right thing or if Noah will be ready to sleep longer by the time the baby is born.

Noah has a routine that we follow every night. Dinner, bath, guy time watching Arthur with daddy, then cuddling with mommy until he falls asleep. It takes a while to get all the way through the routine, but we all enjoy the time we spend together. Sometimes it's rough because Noah can take a very long time to fall asleep. Last night was one of those nights. Every night I give Noah a two minute warning that I am going to bed soon whether he does or not and he always falls asleep in that two minutes. Last night he didn't. So I brought him up from the living room where we usually cuddle to sleep to his rocking chair in his room. He was squirmy and trying to make me let him rock alone so he could just run around and play. Eventually, I kissed him, told him I loved him then laid him down in his crib. He was tired so I patted his back gently then told him I loved him and left the room. I sat on the edge of our bed and waited for him to call for me. I just needed a minute to sit and regroup. A few minutes later, Noah let out a very small cry like he does in his sleep. I rushed in the hallway to check on him. I'd left his door open and could see that he was not standing up in the crib waiting for me.

He was sleeping. Noah had put himself to sleep. I couldn't believe it. This is the first time Noah's done that in 22 months for a nap or bedtime or anything. He falls asleep sometimes in his stroller or the car seat but never just because it's time to nap. Those times are out of pure exhaustion.

I went back and sat on the edge of our bed in complete disbelief. I waited and waited and waited. Until, I heard a noise. Ash walking up the stairs from his studio in the basement. I stood at the top of our stairs to warn him that Noah was sleeping and I wasn't sure what was happening. He was as surprised as I was that Noah just went to sleep on his own. He was afraid to come up the stairs because Noah has super power hearing and hears when either of us tries to walk past his room. I waved Ash up and told him I didn't mind if Noah woke up and I had to go in there.

He slept over an hour before he woke up wanting to cuddle. This is not atypical so I went in and cuddle him for 30 seconds and he was back asleep. I went to bed around 11 and he didn't wake up again until 3. When I went in he wanted to be held for a few seconds but then he asked me to put him back in his bed. I obliged and he rolled on to his stomach and went to sleep.

Over the last week, Noah has sleep straight through the night 3 times which brings his lifetime tally of sleeping through the night to 6 nights. I think, I am comfortable saying that we've done the right thing. He's learning to sleep on his own and for longer not because we forced him to but because it's what he needs, now.

Parents have lots of opinions about sleeping. And parents with kids that don't sleep through the night sometimes blame themselves while parents with little ones that sleep straight through like to take credit for being amazing parents. Some parents with kids who sleep through the night are amazing parents and some of them are not. Some parents with kids who don't sleep well are amazing parents and some are not.

We like to think of ourselves as magic parents because Noah's way more social and friendly than any other kid we've ever met, but the truth is, it's who he is and we're helping him on that path by supporting him and making sure he feels loved, safe, secure and confident. We'll only know if we're magic parents and did all the right things when Noah's much older. I'm hoping that he grows up to be the type of person that cares about other people's feelings and helps older people across the street without them having to ask or him being told to. I hope he respects himself. I hope someday when he has children he remembers how loved and supported he was in the middle of the night. I hope he's kind to them. And above all, I hope he's very happy. Whoever he becomes, whoever he loves, whatever he choices to do with his life. Anything is possible and none of it has anything to do with how old he finally is when he goes to bed on his own and sleeps through the night.

Bring It On!

2011-05-17T15:19:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

2011-05-07T16:51:00.014-04:00

For Mother's Day, Noah and I would like to give an extra special shout out to my mom. Over the last 21 months, she's been a super important part of Noah's life despite being halfway across the country. From the moment Noah was born (turned sideways) staring straight at my mom and Ash, I knew the two of them were going to be special friends.

My mom flew out a few hours after I told her my water broke, and she was there with us for Noah's birth. Over the last 21 months she's made countless trips to see Noah and we've visited her quite a bit too. From flying to New Orleans to babysit while Ash and I went to a wedding to flying to Maryland so I could attend the Marriage Equality hearings here, she is always there for her grandson (and me.)

When I went to the Senate hearing on marriage equality, I was away from Noah for the longest I'd ever been away. I felt apprehensive about leaving him, but as I came to the baby gate to say goodbye to him. He came over and removed my hand from the gate, then turned around, sat in my mom's lap to cuddle in close for her to read to him. Noah wanted me to know not only was it okay for me to leave, but he wanted to spend time alone with Grammy.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! We love you. I put together this little video for you to enjoy!

Bedtime

2011-05-03T21:21:00.007-04:00

One of our many nicknames for Noah is "family guy" or "the family man" because he loves it when we spend time together as a family. Every night, we spend some time singing, laughing, clapping, dancing and following Noah's commands to clap, grab one arm and twist and then more clapping and twisting. Every night, we share a round of kisses where Ash kisses me, I kiss Noah and Noah kisses Ash. Noah adores family time, and each night before bed he has certain things he does with each of us. He loves his routine. Ash and I love the time we spend too, but sometimes, Ash has to travel for work.

Those nights are tough because Noah is old enough now to ask where Ash is and why he's not home, but he's not really old enough to understand that daddy is away on a work trip. It breaks Ash's heart to leave him, and Noah knocks on the bathroom door looking for Ash at bedtime.

Tonight, we shared a family video chat complete with Noah muting the sound, leading us in part of the alphabet, clapping, twisting, and sticking out our tongues.

Chatting with Daddy

Leading daddy in clapping

Then, when it was time to wave and blow daddy kisses good night. Noah stopped and put his head up to the screen and repeatedly kissed Ash on the screen. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

Losing My Job Security?

2011-04-27T10:14:00.010-04:00

Over the last few weeks, Ash and I have noticed Noah becoming more and more independent. He easily gets up and down our stairs quickly on his own. He knows exactly what he wants, how he wants it and how to get it for himself.

Yesterday, I went to put his shoes on and he yelled at me. I put the shoe down to give him a minute before trying again, but he picked it up, undid the velcro, held the tongue of the shoe back and put them on himself. It was like a knife hit me in my chest. He looked at me as if he were saying, "What are you going to do now that I can do this for myself?" I being a totally mature mommy smiled back at him and said, "We'll buy shoes with shoe laces next." He laughed and we walked outside.

Noah's growing up, and it's been truly amazing to have a front row seat to every discovery, milestone, tumble and success. Lately, we've been having so much fun playing and laughing together that I feel like Noah is more of an adult friend than a little kid at times. He has the heartiest laugh I've ever heard and he is constantly doing things to crack Ash, himself and me up. He kisses me then stops to say, "Aww." It's all completely adorable, and at the same time part of me thinks it was only two summers ago that we brought Noah home and holed up in the living room as we all got to know each other.

Today, I was prepared for the shoes so I swallowed my mommy pride and asked Noah if he wanted to put his shoes on or if he wanted me to. I made sure he knew that I was happy with whatever he wanted. He smiled at me, took my keys from me, and then put his feet out for me to put his shoes on. I knew he was humoring me, but I basked in his fake need for me to help him.

I sat there getting my sandals on and for a moment I thought back to that little baby that would stare straight at me when he was a day or two old completely defying every baby book and article I read. That's when I looked up, and Noah was locking and unlocking the front door.

Yes my car keys were attached. I give him 6 months before he figures out he can just walk up to the Prius and start it.

And then I realized, Noah's not making me obsolete, he's just changing my job description. Protector of precocious toddler.

Candle Light Vigil for Chrissy Lee Polis the Transgender Woman Attacked at McDonald's

2011-04-25T22:13:00.005-04:00

The McDonald's in Rosedale, MD

Some of the crowd after the vigil

This morning, I found out that there was going to be a candle light vigil at the McDonald's where Chrissy Lee Polis, a transgender woman, was attacked hate crime style.

It broke my heart when I read about what happened at that McDonald's. I care deeply about human rights, and if you know me at all you know that Noah, Ash and I spent a lot of time this year trying to get legislation passed in Maryland that would include certain protections for transgender Marylanders. The Democrats in Annapolis broke my heart twice this year. First when they didn't pass marriage equality and then again when they didn't pass the gender identity anti-discrimination act. While I didn't think the legislation was perfect, in fact I personally think we need fully inclusive legislation that makes sure to include public accommodations, I wanted to see a good first step.

I take it very much to heart when something as horrible as what happened to Chrissy Lee Polis happens in my state. It's weird, but Maryland has recently grown on me. It's the state we lived in when we got married, and the state we started our family in. There is a sense of safety that you think should come with your home, and it was heartbreaking to me to see that things as awful as what happened there could happen right here. The state we live in. The state we'll raise our children in.

I struggle internally with knowing that I know people that have closed hearts and minds. I lay awake sometimes wondering if I can change the hearts and minds of some of my close-minded friends and relatives. And I wonder if I can't if I should associate with people that don't let love flow from them. Sometimes I tell myself it doesn't matter, but it does. People who are not full of love for other people create opportunities for what happened last week. People who don't teach their children to live and let live are responsible when their children grow up with hate in their hearts.

I'm digressing quite a bit. All this is to say. It felt good to go tonight. I met a couple Francine and Evelyn. I chatted with them and their friends for a while about the energy that surrounded us tonight. I traveled about 40 minutes to get to the vigil and the group asked why none of the representatives from my area were at the vigil when other representatives were there. I jokingly told them since our town slogan encourages us to be civil to each other we don't see the need to travel to places where folks aren't civil to each other. Everyone laughed, but we all knew that even though this horrible thing happened close to where I live, unless something happens right in your back yard, it's easy to ignore and pretend it didn't happen.

I'm not going to live like that anymore. I am going to spread love as far as my words can reach. And just know that if you're going to be in my company, that better be what you are on too.

Making Easter Memories

2011-04-25T11:51:00.007-04:00

Noah's old enough now that he get gets excited when he sees holiday stuff at the grocery store and Target. It's not that he understands it's a holiday necessarily, but he loves bright colors and notices any sort of change in his surroundings. Since we head to the grocery store and Target often he immediately points and tells me when a new display is up. A few weeks before Easter, he noticed the egg coloring kits. He happily carried one around in the cart for our whole trip so we ended up buying it.

As Easter approached, I decided it would be fun to add an Easter egg and basket hunt to our many happy family memories. So I let Noah pick out a basket at the store, we grabbed eggs filled with Play-Doh instead of candy and some other small toys for Noah's basket instead of candy.

Noah spent Friday coloring eggs with his friend and then I hid baskets for Ash, Noah and me Saturday night as well as the Play-Doh filled eggs. As soon as Noah went into his play area on Sunday aka our formerly formal living room, he began running around and finding eggs and all the baskets. Laughing the whole time. Inspecting everything. Chatting with Ash and me about what he was finding. He carried around eggs then would hand some to Ash so that he could fit others into his hands. That was until he found his Elmo Easter basket and found one of the Thomas the train cars, a mini Elmo and a nerf football.

We spent the morning laughing and playing and having a really great time. It was so fun to watch Noah's eyes light up as he discovered the different eggs and baskets hidden around the house. It made me so very grateful that we decided to make a baby in November of 2008. Noah's awesome, and watching him enjoy little moments like Easter morning make everything about our lives so much richer. We make so many wonderful family memories every day, but it's really fun when we can surprise him and teach him new things.

He immediately picked up the football. He threw it overhand and then kicked it. He's never played with a football before or seen a football game, but I guess the shape of the ball made him want to throw it like that and then kick it! It's a memory I will cherish forever.

To Noah on the National Day of Silence

2011-04-15T10:35:00.006-04:00

Noah,

Today is the Day of Silence where students across the country "take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools." And you and I are spending some time today to talk about how silence about issues like these can be harmful to young people, their families, our communities and all of us.

I want you to know that I value sticking up for what is right even when it's not popular and may be difficult. I want to tell you that today, but more importantly, I think I've spent the last 20+ months showing you that. And I hope to spend the rest of your life leading by example. I hope the love that spills from me is obvious to you, and I am grateful for your open heart and the love you share with me and so many other people daily.

Love is love, Noah. And in life you will be faced with many decisions and opportunities. Make sure to let the love in your heart and your mind guide you. Your dad and I will love you no matter what, but make sure you spread that love with other people too. Sometimes people ache in their hearts in silence. Sometimes people don't feel safe or supported. Make sure you're always a loud voice of love.

In your lifetime, and I hope your early lifetime, you will see laws change. Marriage will be a reality for all loving couples and people will be protected regardless of their gender-identity expression. Make sure that you remember that laws changing won't change all of the hate in people's hearts, but hearts full of love mean so much more.

I love you, and I am proud to support the day of silence. I am also proud to be raising an open-minded, loving child.

Love,
Mama