Who Put Me In Charge Of These People???

Wasted

2012-05-10T21:49:00.001-05:00

Today was the most gorgeous, beautiful day.

That's how it is in Wisconsin. Four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Not Winter, and Almost Winter. (This is also like Texas where they have Summer, Still Summer, Not Summer, and Almost Summer). Springtime in WI is short and sweet and if you blink you'll miss it, then you'll be wearing long underwear in 95 degree heat.

Wait, let's back up. Just want to check: y'all remembered that I've moved to Wisconsin, right? like, 8 months ago. But I'm not going to change my blog to www.cheeseheadmama.com (although that domain *IS* available. hmm...) I just wanted to make sure we were all up to speed.

Anyway, today was a gorgeous day. Not a single cloud in the sky. Not a drop of rain. No harsh winds, no humidity. Just birds chirping and sun shining. And I thought about taking my kids to the park to run around, or serving dinner outside for a picnic. I thought about getting out the chalk and bubbles for the little girls or letting the big kids ride their bikes up to the library. I thought about a million things to do, and let those thoughts pass right on by as I stared at my stupid computer and my kids watched re-runs of some cartoon on Netflix.

My computer is having issues and (of course) I can't find the damn System Restore disk. I saw it every single day when we lived in Texas. It sat in the desk drawer and every time I opened the drawer to get a pen or piece of scratch paper, I saw that disk. "Toshiba BackUp 2010" it said - I can see the sharpie marker letters on the CD so clearly. After moving across the country, who knows where that disk is. But the handy folks at Staples (that was easy) are going to restore my computer to factory settings. I've spent the entire day backing up files & downloading data and trying to figure out what I want to save and what I dont' care about. I've checked for things I've downloaded, things I've uploaded, and things I've copied and pasted. Music. Photos. Documents. Correspondence. Everything that's important to me.

In my frenetic attempt to get my computer files gathered together, I forgot everything that's important to me.

I lost a chance today. I lost an opportunity to create a memory with my kids. I missed out on throwing a frisbee with them or drawing their portrait in pink sidewalk chalk or blowing bubbles and watching them chase them around like fireflies. I didn't take the time to just set my computer down and look them in the eyes. More than once today, I was keenly aware of what wasn't getting done because of my time being spent on the computer.

A status update from SITS came across my Facebook timeline:
Do you spend more of your waking hours online or off?

That's just a slap in the face. And not in a bad way. SO MUCH of my life is tied to the computer. How would I communicate with people if I weren't online? How would I know what's going on? Can you believe, this year at my kids' school, they aren't even handing out grade cards anymore! They are just available online and the parents have to log onto the school's website to find the grade cards for their children. If I didn't have internet access, what would I do???

I want to do something big, something noble, something really prophetic. Like, make a pledge to go offline every day except at naptime. Or, go completely offline one or two days a week. Or, set a timer and stick to it. But what happens if I have to pay a bill online? Or find a phone number? Or get directions to drive somewhere? Or print a coupon? Or find a recipe? Or one of a million other functions that I use the computer for???

I just don't know. I do know that today was a day I can't ever get back and I am mad about it. Today was a wasted day, and I have no one to be mad at but myself. Tomorrow is another day, try it again I guess.

Mom Jeans

2012-05-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

I'm 40 now. Did you know that?

I think my "about me" page says that I'm 38 and I guess I will just let that slide for a while. I could use a few extra years. I've been moisturizing, after all. Maybe no one will notice.

Turning 30 was no big deal for me. I didn't feel OLD or anything like that. Some of my friends bemoaned turning 30 - OH it's the end of being YOUNG! pshaw. I finished being young when I realized that I had developed a love of waking up early and a 3-wine-cooler limit.

When I turned 30, I had a 2-year-old and an 8-month old. (two months later I'd be prego again but I'm just talking about when I had my 30th birthday. My birthday, by the way, was back in January so I guess this self-reflection is about 5 months late.) I felt young enough to tackle the challenge of two young toddlers and loved playing the part of the vibrant, enthusiastic, young-but-not-too-young mom.

Now I am 40 and again, I have a 2-year-old. I'm not so vibrant anymore. As a matter of fact, I would describe my appearance most days to a wilted flower - you can see there was beauty and life there once but it just hasn't received enough love, attention, or sustenance to keep it going. I still can recognize basic clothing trends and I'm smart enough to wear clothes that fit. I like to blend with the general public, as much as possible.

But, like I said, I'm moisturizing. Baby steps, people.

I had knee surgery two weeks ago. I was hanging up a tree swing for my 2 young girls, Sally and Violet, and when I jumped out of the tree (!!!) I twisted my knee, then as a matter of consequence I landed on said twisted knee and yelped out some expletives, which (sadly) my toddlers have grown accustomed to. I told them, "I'm going to vomit." I didn't, but I did have to explain what "vomit" means to a toddler.

After an MRI and some physical therapy, it was determined that my knee had no ACL left, and that I had a moderate tear of my lateral and medial meniscus. So, basically, my knee is unstable and pops a lot and not desirable for being a Rockette. The doc made surgery sound like a stroll through a beautiful meadow. Actually, I do think "a walk in the park" was an actual phrase used by him. I'm now 2 weeks post-op and still having trouble bending my knee, walking, and I'm getting all up in my family's grill because the pain feels like someone sticking bamboo shoots underneath my kneecap. If Vicodin didn't make me vomit, I'd be all over it.

While in the doctor's office today for my post-op checkup, I saw a sight that has made me realize, I am very passionate about this one opinion: women should not wear a t-shirt tucked into jeans. It just ain't right. T-shirt and jeans means "casual". Tucked in means "I want to look nice". Those two just don't go together. Add to it, if the jeans are "mom jeans" and the t-shirt is a Walt Disney World t-shirt and you're wearing the jeans with a belt, well then, I have no sympathy for you when people stare and snicker. I am not the fashion police. I'm not even going to claim to be a great dresser. But I DO know what I thought of, as a fresh-outta-college grad, about women who morphed into moms who lost any shell of their former selves. I thought, I don't know what I'm going to look like, but I know what I'm NOT going to look like. And.... I'm not going to tuck my Magic Kingdom t-shirt into a pair of Mom Jeans and put on a belt, then pair it with a pair of Reebok walk-fit sneakers. nuh-uh.

So, in case you've been wondering what I've been up to, that's about it. Surgery, kids' end-of-school-year activities, and taking pictures. I'd say I'm going to try to keep up more but I don't want to give you false hope, in case I get super busy.

After all, I'll be busy moisturizing.

Weekly Winners

2012-04-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I haven't posted any photos too recently. But I've been busy doing that "mom" thing. Here are a few that I've enjoyed taking.
Night sky

My Back Yard

Peppermint Patty

Climbing Leaves

Violet, growing up too fast

Sally showing off her beautiful eyes

Peppermint Patty, in our backyard, looking at a photo of me (at age 7) with my grandpa (her great-grandfather).

And, a couple I've been doing with film:

Things I Would Tell My Kids About Me If I Were Their Sibling, Not Their Parent

2012-04-12T08:16:00.000-05:00

Some days I wonder if my kids are just painfully honest, or if they haven't figured me out yet.

10 Things I would tell my kids about me if I were their sibling, not their parent

1. If Mom tells you to do something, and you don't do it, just steer clear of her. Don't let her see you doing "nothing" because if she sees that, she's just gonna ask you if you did that thing you were supposed to.
2. If you don't do the thing she tells you to do, don't make up an excuse. Just say "sorry" and say, "I'm going to do it right now!" Then go real slow. Take your time.
3. Don't finish your chores TOO quickly or else she will give you a bunch more. Learn how to stretch them out.
4. Even if the food is gross, try to eat a bite of it. And when you do, say something like, "well, I don't like this but now that I've tried it, at least I know what it tastes like."
5. When mom has that crazy look in her eye, just go in another room. And don't ask for anything.
6. If you see a pot on the stove and something is cooking, don't ask for a snack.
7. If you have a snack & want to sneak it, eat it outside where a)crumbs will fall, and b) you can hide the evidence in the outside trash can.
8. Instead of fighting with all of our siblings, we should join forces to back each other up & keep each others' secrets.
9. When you're talking to mom, don't ever start a sentence with "Mom, you forgot to..." because that's just asking her to yell at you.
10. When you're riding in the front seat of the minivan, do NOT touch the radio dials. Just don't. Ditto for the air conditioner controls.

Sick

2012-03-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

I am sick of it.

I am sick of being the only one who cleans up the same mess, every single day.

I am sick of hearing "You should teach them to pick up after themselves." For God's sake, I've been trying as hard as I can, and I don't need someone saying "You should teach them" like I'm a moron for not thinking of it sooner.

I am sick of having the honor of being the only family member who can clean up poop, puke, pee, boogers, and ear wax because it's just too gross for anyone else.

I am sick of playing games I don't like and listening to stories that have no point or any apparent conclusion. I mean, I do it but I'm sick of it. When is someone going to listen to MY stories?

I am sick of repeating myself every day, with the hope that consistency will pay off. All it's really doing is becoming background noise to them.

I am sick of looking like a nag when I ask other people to help with jobs around the house. Like, picking up their own socks, putting away their own food wrappers, and washing down their own toothpaste spit from the sink basin.

I am sick of wanting to sleep in, but when I try to I get woken up with "Where is my permission slip?" and "I can't find my lunchbox" and "maahhh-mmeeeee!!!!" so many times that it's all just a waste and I end up lying in bed with my eyes wide open, thinking about all the laundry I have to still fold.

I am sick of turning socks right side out. I turn mine right side out. How hard is it, really???

I am sick of being patient and smiley and forgiving and 99 days out of a hundred, all this stuff would not bother me but today... today... I have just had enough. Something has tipped the scale for me and I can't put my finger on it, but I am so tired of doing all this for people who have just come to expect it. And I am supposed to do all of it to the Glory of God, but I just am starting to resent it all. I am at the point where I am selfishly asking... how is my family glorifying God by treating me like this?

I really want to honor the Lord in my daily work. I've tried to adhere to Scripture about "whatever you do, do it to the Glory of God, not man" and "serve the Lord with gladness". But it all feels so unimportant, both the mundane daily tasks and even the small special ways I try to show my love for them. I feel like it's a waste of time trying any more. I give extra hugs. I buy special things when they ask for them. I read an extra book at bedtime. I tell them how proud I am of them. I recognize their achievements. I thank them for the things they do for our family.

And in return, I get, "You never let me do what I want!" or "I will get to it when I. AM. READY." or "...*crickets*..." (which means, I get no response at all).

I feel like a big jerk for wanting my ego stroked. I should take joy in serving the ones I love, knowing that this is my calling from God). And yet, I'm envious that everyone else in my family has some external validations of their work. I don't get gold stars on my papers, or certificates of appreciation, or promotions, or employee of the month. Everyone needs to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I feel like I am starving for attention. Not that I'm an attention monger, but I need someone to throw me a bone on a regular basis - not just on Mother's Day.

My mind is clearer, that I've now been able to get all that out and barf my words onto the page. And yet, my heart is heavy. I want to be able to take all this in stride. I don't want to be a small, petty, needy person who says, "Pay attention to ME! RIGHT HERE!!! SAY NICE THINGS TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!!" I'm a 40-year-old woman, not a tantrum-throwing toddler.

Most days, I'm a grown up. I can handle the fact that I customize 3 lunchboxes to the likes & dislikes of my children. I take it on the chin when I iron a dozen work shirts, 4 frilly dresses, and nothing for myself, but no one notices. I understand, this is what I do. This is my calling.

And whatever you do, please don't tell me to just "tell them how you feel". You might as well just tell me to teach them to pick up after themselves.

So, hopefully you won't hear this rant again for another 99 days.

Weekly Winners: Mother & Daughter

2012-03-03T22:49:00.002-06:00

Do you remember when Violet was born? If you do, you're a devoted reader. That's been eons ago. 2 and a half years, already.

The other day I was sitting in the front room of my new house, loving the beautiful light coming in through my north-facing window. I decided to set up a tripod and take some self-portraits. I'm not very good at that for so many reasons... 1) I am so self-critical, 2) I don't have any kind of remote trigger so any self-portraits have to be done on a timer - which gets tricky when you combine setting the timer with focusing on what I'm trying to photograph, 3) I don't do it a lot, so I haven't had much practice. practice = improvement, so... this is why I wanted to try it. To practice. To get better. To force myself to see photos of myself without allowing myself to criticize them. (that's 3 "myself"s in one sentence. God, I'm narcissistic.)

About halfway through, little Violet (not so little anymore - she's 2 and a half now) woke up from her nap and saw all the fun I was having and wanted to be in on the fun too. I got these photos of us and I can't tell you how much I love them. I will treasure them always. Heck, I might even frame them for her wall.

As usual, linking up with the incredible Lotus. Head on over there to see some other truly amazing stuff.

Child Cruelty

2012-02-29T19:10:00.000-06:00

I have a feeling this is going to get a shitstorm of comments but here goes...

I'm not what you might call... strict. Oh sure I talk a good game but when it comes to actually laying down the law with my kids, I go all soft and cave. I hate the look of disappointment on their faces. I explained all this in my last post.

But I'm trying to change that. I'm trying to be more consistent. Talk the talk but also walk the walk.

Tonight little Sally - who's not so little any more (she's 4 years old now) - dumped out a huge bag of beads on her bedroom floor. we're talking, literally, thousands of beads. I know because I just picked them all up last night. They were all in one big bag so... no sorting or anything, just a giant bag of beads.

I told her, "You are not coming out of this room until all the beads are picked up." And she decided to scream at the top of her lungs at the back side of a closed bedroom door. She sobbed. She wailed. But she did not pick up those beads.

I came in and told her, "You can come out as soon as you pick up the beads. Until then you are not to leave your room." I was prepared to bring her the little training potty if she said she needed to use the bathroom. But I had to stick to my guns. She couldn't leave her room. I'd said it, I had to stick to it.

15 minutes go by... then 20... then 30... then it's all quiet.

Sometime around 23 minutes I tell some FB friends that she's going to bed without dinner because she refused to pick up those damn beads. I get a "food is fuel. you shouldn't take that away from her. She won't understand."

This is where I have to say... if what I'm doing is considered cruel then start calling me CRUEL MOMMY because seriously? missing one meal? How is that cruel? She is well-fed, has a warm bed and plenty of clothes and toys. She NEVER misses a meal or a snack. How will this one time of her missing a meal be cruel?

I think to myself, how many times have I missed a meal simply because I've gotten too busy to eat? How many times have I skipped a meal because I'm still full from the previous one? Since when is skipping ONE MEAL considered cruelty? I understand, if I was consistently using this as a punishment, that would be cause for concern.

Not to mention, I never told her she couldn't have dinner. I told her she couldn't come out until the beads were picked up. SHE is the one who chose not to pick them up. I feel like, if she's hungry enough she will pick up the beads. And by the way, at about the 30 minute mark, she just cried herself right to sleep.

It's all a messy gray area... food & children is a hot topic right now. I am not perfect by any measure but I do okay with my kids and food. We teach them portion control, we give them lots of healthy choices. They definitely eat better than I did as a child (my dad's favorite food group was Hostess). I don't use food as a reward or punishment... instead I try to make a real-world consequence for my kids and if that happens to involve food then so be it For example, don't eat dinner? You don't have to. You don't even have to try it if you don't want. But you don't get dessert if you don't eat dinner. Am I cruel if I keep dessert from my child too?

This just seems like a natural consequence to me.

Last week I had a problem with one of my other children who was constantly taking snacks without asking. For instance, he'd eat up a huge stack of lunchmeat... sure that's healthy but maybe it was 20 minutes before dinner. Or maybe I needed that lunchmeat for school lunches. Or, he'd drink 3 glasses of orange juice. OJ is great! But not 3 glasses at once. We have 7 people in our family - we need the juice to last longer than once day. So I told him that if he takes food without asking he'll need to skip the next meal, whatever that meal is. I figure, if he's all loaded up on whatever food he's just taken he won't be hungry anyway.

And EVEN IF HE IS, won't that be the best lesson of all?

I had plenty of life lessons taught to me by my parents. Some of them taught me more than others. But the ones I learned the most from were the ones that stung the most. I lived to tell about it. I don't hate my parents. I respect them for being strong enough to not put up with my bull. And, to be honest, for all the times I thought I was right and they were wrong, all the times I got punished for trying to get my way instead of living under their rules in their house,

I think I'm better for it now.

money. mouth. together.

2012-02-22T01:38:00.000-06:00

I've never understood that idiom... put your money where your mouth is.

I mean, I get what it MEANS. I understand that it's about... doing what you say. put up or shut up. all that.

But put your money on your face? Does it mean, if your words are out there then get the money out there too - as in, get it out of your pocket and show it for everyone to see?

Well, anyway, this is me now. put up or shut up. doing what I actually say I'm going to do.

For years and years and just... like, since 3 seconds after I had my first daughter, I had great advice for my friends about how they should raise their kids. Especially when laying down the law and threatening a consequence.

Here's another idiom, one I love: don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash. I know what that one means.

And yet, since about 3 seconds after I had my first daughter, I've been able to see how other people screw it up but me... oh ME.... my kids deserve a second chance. And then a third. And now I really mean it. And now I'm going to just forgive you.

And now I'm just... not. Not anymore. Not for one more second of crying and whining and doing it again and me losing my temper and me feeling like the bad guy for taking away a privilege or toy or unpromised reward.

A few weeks ago I saw a friend's photo of their kids at Chuck-E-Cheese. "Their reward for super-good behavior while their dad was out of town this week". Gosh, I thought, I usually don't take my kids to Chuck-E-Cheese for a reward, I do it so I don't have to cook. (Mistake #1). And, I think my kids wouldn't earn that because they probably couldn't be well-behaved for a whole week. Maybe I would have to make the deadline shorter, like, 2 days or something. (Mistake #2). And if they acted up, I'd probably give them another chance, so I wouldn't have to punish EVERYONE for when just 1 or 2 of them mess up. (Mistake #3).

Last week I took the two smallest Peanuts to Wal-Mart to shop for groceries. I kept telling them, If you are good and stay by me, I will take you to McDonalds for a treat! (I had some coupons for free apple dippers, free cones, free hamburgers, etc.) I warned them when they ran away down the aisle. I warned them again when they held hands and played tug of war with each other, falling over in the path of oncoming grocery carts pushed by grumpy octogenarians. I warned them once again when they were desperately STARVING and claimed that their hunger would only be satisfied with Hostess Donettes. Finally, as we drove away from Wal-Mart, I explained that we would NOT be going to McDonalds because of their behavior.

No one cried. Or cared. Maybe they knew they'd been naughty. Maybe they'd forgotten. Maybe the youngest one just didn't know "McDonalds" from "Church" from "Insert any word here besides Spongebob".

My husband is really great about follow-through. He lays down the law and by God, his ass cashes all the checks. Me, I'm a little more afraid of disappointing the kids. Lets face it, I disappoint them every. dang. day. No, you can't have a 3rd glass of Kool-Aid. No, we aren't having dessert tonight. No, you can't watch that movie until I've watched it first. No you can't go to your friend's house because your homework isn't finished. No, you won't be going to camp this summer because we don't have the budget for it. I just don't have the energy to disappoint them for the small stuff AND the big stuff too.

I want to be the Yes Mom. I think, I try to be the Yes Mom and I end up regretting it. I have always thought, "If my kids want something and it's not going to hurt them, I shouldn't say no. Even if it annoys me a little bit or is somewhat inconvenient, if I can handle the inconvenience I should try to give it to them." This comes from growing up in a household where I was told NO quite often. It happened regularly enough that I came to just expect NO and eventually I quit asking. A few extra bucks? NO. Permission to go out with friends? NO. Extended curfew, just this one time, since it's prom and all? NO. I'm not looking to be my kids' BFF or anything, I just want them to be happy.

Isn't that what we all want? for our kids to just be happy? I know kids can be happy a number of ways and one of those ways is from healthy boundaries, set up by their parents, and enforced by those same parents. I should know that, right? I mean, I read at least 3 baby books so I'm clearly all set in the parenting advice department. So why is it so hard to give my kids the learning experience of facing a consequence? I just can NOT watch them struggle. With my friends, I'm all about, "You have to let them learn by failing. It will be the greatest teacher!" But with my own I only know how to swoop in and save them from disappointment.

This year I have a number of goals - NO I WILL NOT CALL THEM RESOLUTIONS BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT'S A SURE WAY FOR THEM TO FAIL - which focus on self-improvement. I'm still being flexible on the specific plans for improvement, but I do have ideas. 1) improve parenting. I want to be more present for my children (less time on computer while they're around; save it 'till they go to bed or else get up & take care of it in the morning before they wake). I want to be a supportive wife for my husband's parenting - united front and all that. I want to do, and follow through with, all the things I know in my heart will be good for them but feel in my gut so afraid of trying.

So, for now, I'm going to put some real consequences out there and leave them there to either be met or not. I hope my kids choose to run away from the consequences, fast and far in the opposite direction. But if they don't, those consequences will be waiting and if I'm anything better than a spineless pile of dung, I will be the ass writing the checks.

So, I guess, here's hoping I'll be an ass.

Checking out my Breasts

2012-01-26T14:47:00.000-06:00

Now THAT title is sure to get me some spam.
*************
I turned 40 last Saturday. I'm not happy about it but I always knew it was coming, obviously. I always felt like 40 was so far away...

Turning 40 means I have to start getting mammograms. I'm not happy about that either but I do know it's for my own benefit. I was mentioning that to my mom, who's 78. She mentioned to me how funny it was, considering her doctor told her she didn't have to get mammograms anymore.

I was like... "what are you talking about?"

Apparently, when a woman reaches a certain age, they no longer need to get mammograms. I asked her why and she didn't know, that she was just told she didn't need one anymore. I don't know if it's because the risk of initial onset of breast cancer after age 75 is so low, but I sure hope that's the reason. Because of course my mind went to that place where they're telling me that a patient of advanced age has less of a chance of survival if they are diagnosed late in life... blah blah blah... and I told my mom, "THAT IS CRAZY - YOU KEEP GETTING THEM. FORGET WHAT THOSE DOCTORS SAID." My mom is a spunky 78 year old woman. It would not surprise me one bit if she lives another 25 years and when her last day comes, she won't go easily. She has never known an easy day in her whole life. She knows - heck, I think she created - the definition of hard work. My mom stays young by keeping active and, I'm embarrassed to admit, she can run circles around me keeping all my kids in line. She's an amazing role model for me.

So, I hope this year I won't be the only woman in my family getting a mammogram. That's all I'm sayin.

Breakfast

2012-01-19T00:52:00.001-06:00

My day starts way before breakfast. I am usually awoken around 5am, when either Violet or Sally poke me to move over so they can slide into the bed next to me. No matter how many times I point to the pile of blankets on the ground and explain, "there's no room up here! Sleep down there by the comfy pillow," they don't care. They'd prefer 6 inches of mattress next to mama over 2 feet of space on the floor.

Once one of them (or, sometimes both) climb in the bed, the kicking and fidgeting and whispering and giggling starts. It's not the worst way to wake up in the morning, but since I usually don't get to bed before midnight that snuggle party just comes too early in the morning.

At 6am the alarms finally go off, one after another in various bedrooms. Someone hits snooze, someone else gets up and hits the shower. I look at the red numbers on the clock and make deals with myself about how quickly I can get up and get the kids off to school. If I really push the envelope, I get up at 6:30 and check who's doing what. I find someone still sleeping, someone else still in the shower, and someone on the couch, awake and wrapped up in a blanket, making no movement toward getting ready for the day. I think, for a moment, they are trying to hide in plain sight under cover of a blue fleece blanket.

I start right in. Get your shoes on! Eat your breakfast! Brush your teeth and put on deodorant! Where's your hat and gloves? Is your backpack by the front door? Do you need this math book for school today? Where is your lunchbag from yesterday? MOVE! FASTER!!!!

By now I'm cursing myself for sleeping too late. I'm counting the minutes until the bus will show up at the end of our driveway. I'm telling myself that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be easier. Tomorrow I will have all my shit together. But wait, isn't today just a repeat of yesterday and the day before? My mornings seem to be on a continuous loop.

What do you want for breakfast? One wants toast with peanut butter. One wants sugared cereal. one doesn't want anything ... until 2 minutes before walking out the door. By that time I'm ready to poke myself in they eye. I'm wondering, Why didn't I buy that box of Pop-Tarts? Sure, they're filled with sugar and a terrible excuse for nourishment, but HELLO? Breakfast in 10 seconds, max. Sometimes I need that. No one wants the same thing. No one ever wants something easy.

Then it's on to making lunches. No mustard on one. No bread on another. Find an alternative for granola bars, since one person hates them and life is only fair if there are the EXACT SAME NUMBER OF ITEMS in each lunch box. Purple drink for one person, Red drink for another, Blue for the third. These are the facts that fill the capacity of my brain - not literature or history or current events; I know who likes ham and who like Cheetos.

Finally, everyone is bundled and backpacked and booted. Wait, there's 3 minutes until the bus comes. Can we watch TV? HELL NO YOU CAN'T - JUST SIT THERE AND WAIT FOR THE DAMN BUS.

On the one hand, I can't blame them for trying. On the other, they better learn fast which buttons of mine not to push. If momma ain't happy...

This Post is part of Mamakat's Writers Workshop

2012-01-06T15:07:00.000-06:00

Over Christmas break, I got the luxury of some time by myself... in the waiting room of a physician's office. Having a UTI is absolutely NO. FUN. AT. ALL. While waiting to give a sample in the lab, I sat down and glanced at the (short) stack of magazine offerings: Road & Track, Working Mother, or Golf Digest. I don't golf. I do drive a car but I'm betting they don't cover Cheeto-laden minivans in Road & Track magazine. So, since I'm a mother, I figured I was half-qualified to read Working Mother.

Staying home with our kids has always been the right choice for our family and thankfully, it has always worked financially. I'm so glad I have had the opportunity to be a homemaker. But at the same time, I have always been keenly aware of the loneliness that can go along with having companions under 4 years old.

Reading the Working Mother magazine, I saw articles about women who were mentors to their peers, made time for developing their professional skills, and learned (and practiced) a healthy balance between work time and family time.

I suddenly thought, "who are my peers?" Gulp. Do I even have any? I don't think the grocery checker counts, even though I see her more often than I see any of my friends. I know I help my children and I'm proud of most of the decisions I make as a parent, but I have to ask myself, "Am I really developing myself personally or otherwise?" The skills I practice: folding towels. Organizing the board game closet. Making baloney sandwiches.

This introspective bit is probably born out of the time of year. The beginning of a new year always makes me, like so many others, think about my goals. I make new plans for the upcoming year but I also think about whether or not I reached any goals that I set last year (I didn't). Then I look back on the last 2, 5, or maybe 10 years and ask myself: how have I grown? Have I changed for the better?

I want to make the lives of the people around me better. I really think I do that. I know I have certainly grown as a MOM and WIFE in the past 12+ years. But what kind of example am I setting for my daughters? Am I teaching them that they when they grow up, they can aspire to be an amazing.... towel-folder? Or they can be really great at the concept, "go along to get along"?

I don't think my life is bad at all. I have a sweet, faithful, honest, and hard-working husband. I have intelligent, healthy, beautiful, friendly children. We have enough money to buy what we need, but not so much that we forget to be humble. And certainly, what I have is enough. No, it's more than enough. I just keep wondering if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with the gifts I've been given.

Sometimes I just don't know what I'm chasing.

Christmas... unwrapped.

2012-01-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

Being the mom on a budget is sticky sometimes. Even when I *can* buy something for my kids, many times I choose not to. Sometimes it's because I know I can spend my money on other, more useful things. Sometimes its because I just don't need one more thing cluttering up my house. But mostly, it's because I don't want my kid believing that they are entitled to everything they ask for and everything they see that their friends have.

Yesterday was my kids' first day back to school. Like every kid after Christmas break, mine were anxious to get back with their friends and compare how they made out from Santa.

Charlie Brown was super excited when, on Christmas, he got a Kindle e-reader. It's not the fancy kind, it's the $79 version with "special offers". He also got a wii game that he was really hoping for - Zelda Skyward Sword or something like that (the guy at GameStop totally knew what I was talking about even if I didn't.) Charlie Brown even got some cash, with which he bought himself two hermit crabs and the full setup to go with them.

But when he got into the car yesterday after basetball practice, he said, "ya know mom, I was really excited to tell everyone about my Kindle but actually, it was no big deal. Two kids in my class got an iPad 2! One girl got an iPod touch and a laptop. A few kids got a Kindle Fire. Mine seemed so... unexciting."

I am almost 40. I am WAY past caring what people think about me. But I am no dummy. I know that elementary school has a very precise pecking order and in today's society, it's peck or get pecked. The pecking comes in the form of electronic gadgets and our kids are at the bottom of the pecking pile. Although I wouldn't have gotten him anything different, I have a hard time thinking about how his excitement was crushed under the sheer volume of his friends' bigger, better, more expensive gifts. Truthfully, we are not interested in getting our kids a bunch of expensive electronic devices. We think they are a distraction as well as being a huge responsibility for someone so young. Hundreds of dollars on a small, fragile device for someone who's not even old enough to stay home by himself yet? No matter how mature or careful he is, he's 10. That's just too early, in my opinion, for me to spend a bunch of money on something just for him alone. We didn't even get him the Kindle - his grandparents did (with our blessing). The Kindle seemed like a good choice - CB is a voracious reader and Amazon just came out with an affordable option for the e-reader so we figure the timing was right. I don't think it ever crossed his mind that the "basic Kindle" was anything less than awesome until he saw what his friends were getting.

I still remember the Christmas just before I turned 12. I was in 6th grade and my parents bought me a Seiko watch. It was gorgeous. Did I understand how valuable it was? No of course not. They could have bought me a Timex and I wouldn't have known the difference. But it was their money and they could afford it and that's how they wanted to spend it. In retrospect, it seems strange that my parents would give me something that was so valuable - as a parent now myself, I feel like "valuable" gifts are more like the reward for becoming an adult. Like, when you're a kid you make due with whatever your parents give you and when you're an adult you can spend your money on the nicer things.

As for other parents buying their kids expensive gadgets - I don't begruge them one teensy iota. Why should I care? Like I said, if they have the money and want to spend it that way, so be it. If they buy their kids an xBox 360 or a laptop or an iPad or a cell phone or whatever. Their family - their business. All I'm saying is, it's so tough getting my kids to understand why *WE* don't buy them those things. Right now, as it is, we have enough going on in our family that we have a hard time giving focus to each other; there's basketball practice, cheerleading practice, scouts, church, work, meetings, homework, etc. If we had any more distrctions in our household we probably wouldn't see each other for days at a time. Limiting our electronic access is the way our family makes it work. But to someone who's 10, whose friends all have Facebook accounts and play Angry Birds in the car on the way to school, to him it all just seems... unfair.

Charlie Brown has a very good head on his shoulders. It seems like he knows why his dad and I have made the decisions that we have, even when he doesn't necessarily like them. I am hoping, and praying, that by not giving our kids all that the world has to offer, it will leave them wanting more. But not more from the store.

Please Pardon the Interruption

2011-12-14T09:00:00.000-06:00

Hi All.
I bet you think I fell off the face of the earth.

Wait, what? Life went on without my posts appearing????

hmm. will have to check into that.

So, Since I know you're wondering what's up with the contest I ran for Family Game Night 4, I am happy to report that I did select two winners:

BlessedMomof2 and Nicole!!! Thank you all for entering the giveaway. Send me your address at tx dot mama dot 4 at gmail dot com and I will send the game packages out to you!

On another note, we bought a house. We're finally in it, after living in a hotel for 2 months. I can't even explain the relief it feels to be settled. Although, we're really not settled yet. We're still tripping over boxes and piles. Unwrapping the contents of our house, well, all I can say about that is... many trees were harmed in the packing of our house. ha ha There is SO much cardboard and paper and oh my.

Pictures to come soon.

I'm online at McDonalds because we don't have internet up at our house yet, so please forgive me if I'm slow to get back to you!

Five Things

2011-12-01T11:42:00.000-06:00

Five Things you don't know about me:

1. I have never eaten a Big Mac or guacamole. Never. Not even a taste. Not interested.
2. I have big feet. Size 10. I've been a size 10 for forever. Now, after 5 kids, even the size 10 shoes are getting tight.
3. I was first-chair flute in 8th grade for one glorious week when I knocked Geri S. on her ASS. Victory is sweet. I didn't even care when she knocked me back to my 2nd chair status - it felt good in first chair no matter how brief it was.
4. The first audio cassette I ever owned was Beastie Boys: Licensed to Ill. (9th grade!)
5. I've never broken a bone.

Five things I'm knowledgeable about:
1. Math. I'm not the smartest cookie on the block but I can hold my own with a polynomial equation.
2. Preserving. I won 5 blue ribbons in the County Fair when I entered my green beans, tomatoes, pears, peaches, and okra. I know a little bit about gardening but mostly, I just plant enough so that 50% of it can die and I'll still have enough for what I need.
3. Baking. I can make a mean Gooey Butter cake. Yum.
4. Spelling. I won the spelling bee in 4th grade. The winning word was "separate".
5. Photography. Just goes to prove: you can learn anything if you own a library card.

Five things I know nothing about:
1. automotive workings. I don't know a valve from a piston. I couldn't tell you how to change the oil. I'm lucky I can fill the gas tank.
2. Poetry. I can't figure out what all that imagery means. Why can't a flower just be a FLOWER?
3. Beef. For the life of me I can't figure out what to look for when I'm buying it, how to cook it, how to season it, etc. Ground beef? I'm good to go. Otherwise, I'm just wasting my money.
4. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Twilight. I just don't get into those kind of stories. I know what they are but haven't read a page nor watched a minute of any of them.
5. Smart Phones. I have a regular-old cell phone. My best friend has a smart phone and I looked at it but I was afraid to touch it... it looked too sci-fi for me!

Five things I believe

1. I will never, ever be able to truly appreciate what it feels like to be poor.
2. When I am content, I will start to get complacent. That's probably why I am so self-critical.
3. Sometimes keeping my mouth shut speaks volumes more than anything I could say.
4. Whenever I criticize someone else, it's usually a criticism about myself, in disguise.
5. No one will ever love, care for, protect, or forgive me the way God does. If I lose everything else in my entire life, I will still have Jesus. Or, I should say, He will still have me.

This post is part of the Writers Workshop over at MamaKat's Losin It. Hop on over to see the other entries too!

FACE!

2011-11-30T06:07:00.125-06:00

I like to think I'm a good sport.

My kids might tell you otherwise, but I like to believe that little white lie I keep telling myself. They probably would say I'm NOT a good sport because I have a tendency to yell FACE! while pointing my finger at them whenever I go out in Uno, slip one shot past them in 2-square, or even spell a word correctly.

Yeah, I know. I'm extremely mature. Considering I'm like 30 years older than them. (In all fairness, I let them yell FACE! at me when they send my Sorry! game piece back to home, double jump me in checkers, or find my hiding space in hide-n-seek. don't dish it out if ya can't take it, right?)

Anyway, I'm noticing that since we got our Wii last November, we're actually playing MORE games as a family. That seems counter-intuitive but its true. We can play in the cold of winter or heat of summer; we can play sports without buying (or storing) tons of balls, bats, pads, sticks, etc.; no one's at an advantage because they are taller or shorter or faster; even our littlest Peanuts can get in on the action.

Playing together is really important to us - we don't have a lot of time to spend together once homework is done, chores are completed, and meals are finished. We like to do activities that are fun for ALL of us when all 7 of us can gather together.

Some of our other favorite things to do are: spend time outdoors, going on hikes or checking out state & local parks; reading books together, especially the Illustrated Classics series, and we do like to go shopping, especially at resale shops! The bargain hunter gene is strong in the Texan family!!!

This year I would really like to get my family into the tradition of also doing more volunteer work. Serving others is so important and yet it's one area I've talked the talk but not walked the walk. I need to lead them by example. Texan Papa and I discussed the idea of, next year, spending Thanksgiving serving meals at a shelter or a place like that. It sounds a little cliche, but I know it would be a good way to start the season of DEMANDING GIFTS for my kids to see how rich they already are - with blessings both tangible and intangible.

How do you and your family spend time together? What activities do you like to do?

I have an awesome giveaway for your family. I am partnering with Hasbro, EA, and Best Buy to help them celebrate the launch of the new video game Family Game Night 4. On Sunday December 4th, the Best Buy in Frisco TX (located at 3333 Preston Rd) will be hosting a Family Game Day from 11am to 3pm. Head on over there to play video game versions of your favorite Hasbro games like Connect 4 basketball and Scrabble Flash. You can also enter (at the event) to win a fun-filled, family vacation or a new iPad 2 loaded with your favorite FAMILY GAME NIGHT games! There will also be balloons, face painting, and popcorn for any families that participate, and radio station i93 will be on site doing a remote.

For more information go to check out the event on Facebook.

You can win a Family Game Night pack for yourself, including a copy of Family Game Night 4 for XBox! You can enter up to 3 different ways:

1. Leave a comment, telling me your favorite game you played with your family as a child, or your favorite game you play with your own family now. Board game? Video game? Card game? I want to know!

2. Post about the Family Game Day event on Facebook (just copy & paste the phrase below for your status update, then come back and comment that you shared it):

Celebrate Family Game Day with @EA Play and Hasbro at Best Buy in Frisco on December 4, 11am-3pm.

3. Tweet about the Family Game Day event Twitter (again, just copy & paste the tweet below, then come back and comment that you tweeted.)

Celebrate Family Game Day with @EAPlay at Best Buy in Frisco on December 4, 11am-3pm more info: on.fb.me/eaplaybbe @TexMama

Entries will be accepted through 5pm Sunday, Central Time, December 4th.

I was contacted through Allied Media to participate in this giveaway for Hasbro, EA games, and Best Buy. I was given a complimentary copy of Family Game Night 4. All opinions in this post are uniquely mine.

Winners: "Love Begins" Giveaway

2011-11-28T23:15:00.000-06:00

Thanks to everyone who left a comment for my giveaway of the movie, "Love Begins".

I selected two winners via Random.org and the winners are...

#4: Gigi

and

#6: Brad

YAY! I'll be sending the DVD to you this week.

Where does the Time Go?

2011-11-22T02:51:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday to my little baby Peanut.

I can't believe you are two years old today. You're so beautiful and smart and sweet.

You always have a smile on your face and you love to have fun. Your squeals can be heard for miles around. Okay, well, maybe not MILES...

You're such a good sport - you always put up with me sticking that giant camera in your face and you never complain.

Sometimes you give me that goofy, gummy smile but I don't mind.

You rarely have a clean face, or are without a scab or a runny nose. Your hair often needs combing. Stains on your dress are commonplace. I don't consider it a mess. I consider it... a zest for life.

You are inquisitive, much like any toddler, and you can easily find your way into trouble...

And you love to be silly. That's for sure.

Sometimes you turn my world upside down

You've taught me to take a closer look at myself, to slow down and savor the moment.

To worry less about the mess and more about the memory

To dance in the rain and let my hair down.

You give me a reason to smile every morning.

You give me a reason to love

You give me a reason to enjoy life

You are an ever-present reminder of God

Thank you for being who you are. I love every part of you.

Love Begins - A GIVEAWAY!!!

2011-11-21T13:34:00.004-06:00

Have you read any of the books by Janette Oke, the author of the immensely popular "Love Comes Softly" series?`I feel like I'm the only dork in the room who hasn't. I barely have time to read the directions on the box of instant oatmeal - I never seem to have time to read a book.

Recently I was contacted by the peeps at 20th Century Fox to screen the latest edition of the Love Comes Softly movie series - "Love Begins". I LOVE watching movies. One day, when I'm not up to my eyeballs in Barbies and crayons and cheese puffs, I will definitely make time to read books. But for now, I'm getting a better use out of my minutes by watching a movie.

Okay, enough about how I'm shrinking my brain and succumbing to the idiot box.

This movie was really good! It was set in the frontier times and, I'm told, it's a pre-quel to the "Love Comes Softly" series. The main characters are Ellen (Julie Mond) and Clark (Wes Brown) - Ellen and her younger sister live alone in their frontier home after their parents have passed away, and Clark is a man on his way to the gold rush in California. After Clark gets mixed up in a fight at the town cafe, Ellen hires him on for odd jobs on the farm so that he can pay restitution to the cafe owner (Nancy McKeon). Ellen and Clark develop first a friendship and later a close bond.

I liked this movie, mainly because it was a fresh change from watching a TV show or movie with one eye flinched, waiting for the next curse word or flash of boobies. Not that I'm a huge prude or anything, but honestly I'm getting tired of telling my kids, "Okay, go out of the room, I'm watching something that's not appropriate for kids." And sometimes, that's just the commercials!!! The acting was o-kay, but the story line was sweet.

Here is something you may find shocking: I was speaking to the chaplain for the local prison and he told me how EXCITED the inmates were about this new release. Apparently, the "Love Comes Softly" series transcends all ... hmm.... incarceration statuses? He told me that the guys at the prison had watched all the movies that have been made so far and look forward to every new one that comes out. When I heard this, I'm pretty sure I stood there with my mouth agape for a few seconds, trying to imagine some giant prison inmate with gang tattoos watching a Janette Oke movie.

So, here's the good news: I have two movies to give away to you! All you have to do is leave a comment to let me know you'd like to win. (If you're anonymous don't forget to leave your contact info in case you win!)

If you'd like to tweet about it, you can do that for another entry! (come back and leave a comment telling me you tweeted, please.)

If you'd like to share about it on facebook, you can do that too! (I loves me some Facebook! Don't forget to come back and leave a comment telling me you shared.)

Deadline for entering is Saturday night, 11-26-2011, 11:59pm Central Time. I will pick two winners randomly and post the winners on Monday.

leggings

2011-11-14T13:24:00.003-06:00

Fashion victim. Guilty as charged. Well, not so much "fashion" as you might say "comfort".

So, against my better judgment, I bought two pairs of leggings last year. I really loved the comfort! Felt like sweatpants, only acceptable in public.

Except for one problem.... hmm, how do I put this? Well, I just don't think anyone wants to see that part of my anatomy with such snug material. Everytime I put them on, I remember in high school when I first learned what the term "camel toe" means.

yes, I said it.

SO, the solution? I guess? wear super long shirts to cover it up. Except, I can't ever find shirts long enough to cover ... the area. I could maybe wear maternity shirts, except then I look like I'm pregnant. Which makes sense since IT'S A MATERNITY SHIRT.

I've tried the tunic look but those shirts are just a smidge too short. I am fighting the camel toe tooth and nail.

My daughter loves to wear leggings with boots and a shorter denim skirt. It looks so cute! I toyed around with the idea of wearing that, until I thought it made me look a little desperate - an almost-40-year-old, trying to look 20 years younger or something. Really, I am not afraid to look my age! I just want to look discreet.

So, internet peeps, any suggestions? Links to a possible solution? I'd really like the leggings thing to work since I'm in WI now and the leggings will help me stay warm. BRRR!!!

Weekly Winners, Long Time Coming

2011-10-30T18:54:00.001-05:00

Hello my lovelies.

I don't want this blog to turn into a giant sob fest, but this *IS* my blog after all. So brace yourself.

Living in a hotel sucks. Everyone in my family is on edge. There are 2 more TVs in our suite than we actually own. Needless to say, it's tough to peel kids away from tv (cable, no less). They aren't listening, except when one of their siblings is doing next to nothing to annoy them, then they listen perfectly and start a huge argument.

Violet has taken to screaming at HIGH PITCH, FULL VOLUME. What exactly am I supposed to do about that?

I have no where to go. The walls of our crackerbox hotel room are closing in on me. I don't really have any friends. I can go to a bible study with my kids or a playgroup with my kids. Both options sound fine but honestly, I'm so depressed about my situation that I really don't want to sit around with a bunch of people I've just met, pretend that I'm not about to punch myself in the face because I'm so sick of my life, and explain for the dozenth time about why we don't have a house to live in yet.

And the answer to that is: not for lack of trying. House #1 (the ugly house) we didn't get. Someone else bid on it and we lost. House #2 ended up just being too old and too small. House #3 went to a renter with a year lease right before we were going to look at it for a second showing. House #4 (we've got an accepted offer on that one) has an old guy living in it, with a reverse mortgage, and it might go into short sale. Short sale is code for "prepare to go the distance waiting for the bank to sell you this house." House #5 is pretty far out of town but it's on 15 acres, which we like, but it's zoned for agriculture so we'd have to get a special lender (not the one we're planning to use) to loan us the money. House #6 was nice & fixed up but just, really, too small for the money, considering it was about $10K over our very top budget.

Our house in TX is almost sold. We're getting screwed, we're losing ALL of our equity, and we'll be lucky if we're not upside down on our mortgage. I know our situation is neither disastrous or unique. But it really feels sucky to us. It's a very tough lesson to learn when we feel like we have so little money to play around with.

We don't have any babysitters here in WI.

I don't have a pediatrician for the kids, and they need physicals because they want to play basketball/cheerleading.

We don't have a dentist and I have a molar that is really hurting.

The kids are wanting their toys that are in storage.

I am completely, utterly, incredibly sick of eating out.

The weather is getting cold. I hate cold weather. Hate. HATE.

And I've lost my mojo for photography. I just want to quit my 365 project. I'm behind in posting the pictures (by about a week) but I really just want to say, "eff it." What am I doing this for? Am I compromising some sanity for the sake of some stupid goal that will mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING??? If I were enjoying it, that would be another story. But at this point, it's just one more thing I HAVE to do every day that I have to squeeze in. I am in a funk. I can't get the shots I want, I feel like I'm *almost* there but I miss the mark. I am my own worst critic, I know that.

I just want to be great at this, ya know? I don't want to be "pretty good" or "fairly decent". I feel like, my whole life I've been racing toward some goal of being the best at something. sports? Cheerleading? spelling? Teaching? beauty? my marriage? motherhood? writing? my prayer life? photography? I know... stupid, very stupid. Many of those things have no "best" and even if they do, the accomplishment is fleeting. Then, when I realize I can't become the best, I drop that and start chasing something else.

I vacillate between being satisfied (does that mean I'm a sell-out? accepting less than my personal best?) and being motivated to do more (am I a masochist? Putting a goal ahead of my own well-being?)

So anyway, sorry this post totally rambled but I am going to put up some photos from the last few weeks - I just havent' been doing weekly winners (or even posting on my blog regularly for that matter) in quite a while. But I miss connecting with all my WW friends. So here goes.

In the Pumpkin Patch (10/21)

The Old Seed & Feed (10/20)

Wishing she could go outside (10/17) - this is how I feel. Our window doesn't even face the outside, it faces the pool.

I miss my Maytag. (10/16)

The fun part of living in a hotel (10/16)

One of our last days in TX, it was still warm enough to wear shorts/skirts. (10/11)

water on grass (10/6)

Violet will be 2 next month. Man, time really flies. (10/7)

Self portrait. I hate my nose. (10/5)

young artist

twinkle lights

Go over to Lotus' place to check out the other weekly winners this week!

What I learned by going to Cost Cutters

2011-10-18T15:23:00.000-05:00

By getting my hair cut at Cost Cutters Family Hair Salon today, I have learned that...

1. The people there are very nice.
2. I don't have to make an appointment, or even wait more than 10 minutes, to get my hair cut in a jif.
3. They are located in handy spots like the exit way of Wal-Mart.
4. The price for a haircut is very cheap.
5. I get what I pay for.
6. They do not give refunds.
7. If I'm having a bad day, I should not think that getting a hair cut at Cost Cutters will perk me up. Because it won't. It might drive me closer to a mental break, but it won't perk me up. Thatisall.

We Made It

2011-10-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

Well, we made it up to Wisconsin.

The plane ride wasn't what I would call "fun" or "easy" or even "quiet". The guy in seat 17A might have called it "hell" but whatever. It's not like I could step outside the airplane to keep from disturbing him.

We are all adjusting to the colder weather. I think 60degrees in Texas is a hell of a lot different than 60degrees in Wisconsin, that's all I'm sayin. I looked about one minute shy of crazy when I was walking around yesterday in my shorts & t-shirts, while everyone else had on jeans & sweatshirts. I foolishly thought I could slip on some flip-flops to run to Wal-Mart, but instead I looked around and saw all the other Wisconsinites wearing boots.

I'm having a bit of culture shock, you could say.

And, okay, I'm going to share something with you that might be the tipping point on whether or not I can see myself living here long term. This came as a shock to me, something I NEVER EXPECTED:

Wisconsin is all about the Pepsi.

The only place up here you can get Coke products is McDonalds and the grocery store. WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE PEPSI LOYALTY, PEOPLE???? It might be a little less painful if they at least also offered Dr. Pepper, since diet Dr. Pepper is a close second to diet Coke, but even DP is not that popular. I don't even know what to do at a restaurant when I ask the waitress, with desperation in my eyes, "Do you have Coke products?" and she sadly answers, "Oh gosh, no. We have Pepsi."

I think I may resort to carrying a flask.

But, to their credit, I haven't yet met a single cranky person. Or impolite. Or anything less than sweet & helpful. These Wisconsin people are totally gold.

I think I might make it here after all.

Let's talk about something else

2011-10-13T05:02:00.002-05:00

I'm so ready for this stupid day to get started so I can just get it over with.

I want to feel excited about moving. I really do - I know it will help my attitude and probably increase the likelihood of everyone being in a good mood today. But honestly I'm just tired, sad, frustrated, and pessimistic.

As I sit here, it's almost 5am. I've been up already for 1.5 hours. I woke up because one of the kids peed the bed. And my laundry machine + detergent are already packed on the moving van. Our stuff is supposed to go into storage for up to 5 months. I can't put pee sheets in storage for 5 DAYS let alone 5 months.

I know I'll get this figured out but I'm just not exactly sure how yet.

I had some really awful, really sad goodbyes yesterday. Every time I move I think, "I can do this. I got through it last time, I can get through it again." And every time, it rips my heart out. I wish I were a person who didn't let stuff tear me apart emotionally so much. I wish I could say, "ah, whatever" more often. I wish I had more of the bigger picture in close focus. But ultimately I get caught up in my momentary drama and I get all upset & freaked out.

Thus - my current state of feeling like I'll puke at any moment.

So, this is my last post as Texan Mama. I guess the next time you read this I will be Wisconsin Mama or something. I'm not sure what I'll do or how I'm going to move forward, but the days will surely march on and I will live & breathe & wake to another morning.

See ya on the other side [of the country].

Going

2011-10-10T08:45:00.000-05:00

I. am. tired.

Bone-tired. Exhausted. I might fall asleep at the compuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

BAH wake up wake up wake up wake up

So... updates! We did not get the ugly house. After all that boo-hooing I did about how I had to go along to get along, how I was not getting the house I wanted, well... I didn't get the house I wanted. Know how - sometimes - a good idea takes a while to grow on ya? Well that ugly house grew on me. I was all ready to take the huge amount of money we'd be saving and drop it on new carpets, new toilets, new cabinets, etc. But now we're back to square one.

Know where square one is located? At a motel - the kind with the free continental breakfast. We are moving from our 4-bedroom house into a king suite, plus an adjoining double queen. Yes I'm a little freaked out. Yes I'm worried if I'll be able to survive each other for the month or two we'll be there. And, yes, I am loving the idea that I won't have to cook or vacuum or change sheets for a month. (That part makes the others less stressful). On Tuesday - YESI'MTALKINGABOUTTOMORROWOMG - the movers are coming to pack up all our belongings. Texan Papa & Texan Granpa leave Tuesday with our vehicles all packed. Wednesday they load the truck with everything except our suitcases. Thursday we leave. All our stuff goes into storage until we find a house to buy or rent. Until then, we're kickin' back at the Days Inn.

Thursday. It's coming pretty fast. I mean, I know I'm not dying or anything.... but I have to say, There are so many things I wanted to do! There are so many people I wanted to say goodbye to. But I just don't have the time now. Life goes on. We will move, make a new life, and plant new roots. We'll make new friends and eventually all the things we swore we'd never forget about our old life will be just a distant memory.

I feel like I'm swimming in stress. I have a few last-minute photography clients whose orders I have to finish up, when I should be packing and making phone calls. I have a zillion loose ends to tie up, like things I need to return to the store, bills I have to pay, appointments to squeeze in. Plus, my new (used) van that I just bought that is still under warranty is leaking water. And I'm not talking about the engine. This weekend we had our first significant rainfall since the spring and my ceiling inside, near the panel that shows the temperature, etc., was actually DRIPPING WATER.

The van is under warranty until 60K miles. Did I mention how many miles my van has on it now? 58, 224. And of course we have to drive it to Wisconsin. TOMORROW.

{insert sound of me banging my head on the desk}

We are so smart! Because we bought the extended warranty up to 100K miles! But it doesn't cover weather stripping!!!! Or so we think because we can't get a straight answer from anyone!!!! Or else we get put on hold forever!!!!

*sigh*

Can I share the least fun part? The look of disappointment on my kids' faces when I tell them that we don't have time to do all the last-minute things they want to do. Charlie Brown had plans to go to a friend's house to hang out today, but that friend lives an hour and a half away. So, that would be 3 hours (at least) in the car just getting him there. With all this van business and all this moving business and all this going out of my head with craziness business, I had to cancel at the last minute. CB says he understands, but it broke my heart a little bit when I had to tell him.

The kids are excited to start a new school, I think. Their first day is Friday. I think the thing they're most thrilled about is that they don't have to wear a uniform. FINALLY they can wear their Spongebob t-shirts & camo pants and the only thing standing between them and fashion suicide is their own imagination...

So, once life settles down a little bit I'll be back to my old whiny sarcastic self. Bet ya can't wait.

Where I'm From

2011-09-29T01:14:00.000-05:00

Where I'm From

I am from banana-seat bicycles, from Atari 2600 and Shrinky Dinks.
I am from the sound of my father up at 6am on Saturday morning, fixing up our house or helping our neighbor fix up theirs.
I am from the aloe plant on our windowsill, the cure-all for grabbing a cookie from the cookie sheet too soon.
I am from movie nights with popcorn and chocolate milkshakes and "Oh, just let them be kids!" From Grandma-Mom and Uncle J and Aunt R and more cousins than I could count.
I am from gifts that say I love you but not as much as people who say I love you.
From "Santa bought your presents at Target this year" to "Stop crying or I'll give you some to cry about."
I am from long Catholic roots and mass every Sunday because the only thing worse than making God mad would be making my mom mad. From, don't ask why, just trust the priest, that's the way we do it.
I'm from St. Louis my whole life and Fredericktown at Thanksgiving and Easter, from Velvet Freeze ice cream and Miracle Whip Sandwiches and kaczka (duck blood sausage from the Polish deli - I *think* that's the right spelling).
From idolizing my big sister, wishing I could be her best friend even though I was 13 years younger. From learning years later how much she cherished the letters I mailed to her at college when I was in 1st grade and how much she loved sleeping in the bed with me when she came home for Christmas break.
I am from the same hand-knit Christmas stocking every year for as long as I can remember, and still the same one today. I am from a mother who taught me how to live simply so that others may simply live, and a father who taught me that splurging on myself, in moderation, is good for the soul. I'm from parents who are opposites, yet have fit together perfectly for over 55 years.

I'm Linking Up with MamaKat's Writer's Workshop (even though this is a prompt from last week). I read Jennifer's and loved it so much I had to do it this week!