Whoopity Doo

Did you ever Wonder?

2009-07-20T00:02:00.000-04:00

Ever Wonder?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Duck Hunter

2009-03-24T14:42:00.001-04:00

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your cock. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh well, I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony, and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.

A loving Husband

2007-08-27T11:47:00.000-04:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It'sonly $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership
and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house
we wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer,
but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Blind as a Bat

2007-08-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can't see squat when it's dark. I also have a bad back, and I need to be careful about stubbing my toe because when I do I pretty much go down like an oak. I have degenerative disc disease in my lumbar vertebrae, so I'm usually pretty cautious about where I'm stepping.

There comes times when I'm put into a situation where I've got to walk when it's really dark out. I hate the feeling going through my mind. It makes me really nervous, because if I step on something wrong, or unexpected, or stub my toe, it's like a brief moment of paralysis in my legs, and I just go down. It seems like it all happens in slow motion, but I can't do anything to stop it.

When it's dark out and I'm not sure of my footing, or if it's an unfamiliar surface, I inch along like an elderly woman with a cane. It's really frustrating.

This one time my wife and I (engaged at the time) were coming back from going out. I had a fountain soda with me and we were going to watch a movie. I was all excited about having a 44 oz. soda to drink. We got to her place and headed inside, only the outside light was off. I forgot about the long first step and stubbed my foot on it, thinking they were closer to the door. On my way down I exclaimed, "My pop!" I tried to hang onto it, but it spilled all over the steps. She thought it was pretty funny. I did too, later, but I was trying to avoid landing on my chin at the time.

I really need to get one of those lights on my keychain again. I feel like a complete idiot when I'm out and it's dark.

My landlord is revamping the building right now and the outside lights have been shut off for 3 weeks. There's no light out there at all. I've reminded him a few times that they're still off, but he needs a sticky note or something.

I just wanted to share this fact with you. Anyone else have the same problem?

Flood Damage

2007-08-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

Crawford, Texas (AP) --

July 26th, 2007 A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have now been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

Convict on the Run

2007-08-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.

Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.... He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

Memory Problems

2007-08-19T19:55:00.000-04:00

An elderly couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that."

He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

The Golfer

2007-08-16T23:36:00.000-04:00

The homicide detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"

"Yes."

"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head."

"How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know. Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."

Pictures taken from the right angle

2007-08-12T07:46:00.000-04:00

An eye for an eye, a cheek for a cheek

2007-08-06T19:01:00.000-04:00

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Old enough to start Cussing

2007-06-21T14:53:00.000-04:00

Two brothers were getting dressed for school. The older one says,"I think I'm old enough to start cussing."

Younger one, "Me too. Whatcha gonna say?"

Older boy,"Dad says 'damn' a lot, so that's what I'll say."

Younger boy, "I'm gonna say 'betchyer ass',Dad says that all the time.

They go down for breakfast, sit at the table. Mom comes in, says to the older one,"What would you like for breakfast dear?"

He replies, "Gimme a damn bowl of Fruit Loops."

Mom knocks older son off his chair, turns to younger one,"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

Younger son, "Betcher ass I don't want Fruit Loops!"

Tattoo Me

2007-05-31T20:59:00.000-04:00

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour.

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get upon the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says.'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

Psychic Child

2007-05-25T17:56:00.000-04:00

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

Jack or Barb

2007-05-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president,Mr. Smith called him into his office.He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, butJack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

"I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow" Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up.Barb was the first to arrive. Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem."

"Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

Room 302

2007-05-23T20:32:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic . . . that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."

Who's That?

2007-05-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.

As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Popsicle

2007-03-19T17:03:00.000-04:00

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.

Five Pigs

2007-03-14T17:50:00.000-04:00

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So the farmer hosed off the pigs, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Guys at Home Depot

2007-03-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

A Doctor in Minnesota

2007-03-01T17:35:00.000-05:00

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients"."Yes, sir..." answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole tells him he took care of 3 patients. The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.

"Bravo ya Ole, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo Ole! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For 5 years I have not seen any man!"

And what did you do Ole?" asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her eyes."

The Barber

2007-02-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and I can give you a close shave."

The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move and with muffled voice asked, "Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys do."

Divorced Barbie

2007-02-22T19:32:00.000-05:00

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95.

Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95.

Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks:
"What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?

The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends.

Never Trust a Doctor

2007-02-21T16:28:00.000-05:00

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast.

Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

The Healer

2007-02-20T22:18:00.000-05:00

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you & I will heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

Bees!!

2007-02-17T13:19:00.000-05:00

I got stung for the first time when I was about 10, and I think the incident scarred me for years. My family and I were out on a hike with some friends of theirs. We were walking and a yellowjacket somehow flew up my pantleg and stung me on the back of the leg. Well I went into a panic attack and spazzed. I know better now, but that was not the thing to do. Being Mama's little boy still, she whipped off my pants and put some mud on it, right in front of their friends. I wonder if they remember that?

A neighbor and I used to play sports together all the time. In the summer, winter, spring and fall you would have probably seen us shooting hoops, fielding groundballs, or tossing the pigskin around. IN the summer was the time of year when you could also see us running inside to get away from a bee. I know I probably brought the fear onto him, but he caught on quick. "A bee, a bee!!" Inside we usually did manage to get a glass of Kool-Aid, so we made it a habit. Thinking back to that, I find it hilarious that I would pretty much freak out when I saw anything flying.

I currently am not quite that scared of them, but I still avoid getting near them if I have the chance.

I've gotten stung in some pretty funny ways as well. One time I was riding my bike and I got stung right on the inside of my leg near my crotch. Talk about a sudden burst of pain, and in that area. I lost focus on the driving and steered right into the bushes on the side of the road.

Golfing, what a great sport. I've been stung twice golfing. One of the incidents would probably be one of my brother-in-law's funniest moments. We teed of on number 4 and as we were approaching the green the ranger told us to "be careful about a hornet's nest on the side of the green on the next hole. Someone had hit the nest or the tree it's in and they're mad!" We tee of on number 5 and I hit my second shot just right of the green. Of course that's where the nest was near. I run over to my ball and was going to play it quick and there were hornets zooming all around. As soon as I was about to hit the ball one stung me on the calf. I jumped away and high-stepped across the green, to his amusement. I didn't get stung any more, but that sure got my adrenaline pumping!

I've been stung several other times in my life. I've never been stung multiple times at once though, thankfully.

I guess I have apiphobia, or melissophobia, although it has gotten better.