Why didn't I think of that?

It has been a year...

2018-09-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a year since I last wrote a blog post. I don't quite know how that happens. I like writing, which is probably silly since I pretty much suck at it. I am the queen of spelling and grammar errors, just now I tried 3 times to spell grammar before I just gave in and used spell check. To bad spell check doesn't check for the spelling of the word you meant to use instead of the word you used and spelled correctly.

Now, days later I come back and I know just how it happened... you see I wrote this one blog post. It was picked up by news outlets and shared... it was viewed over a thousand times... What was private turmoil was put on the worlds stage...

So today's decision, is I am going to make a point to do better at this. I am going to share the personal thoughts because it is good for me. I am going to share, because maybe I will say something that helps someone else. If no one ever reads this post, than that is fine too, but I am going to let what is rattling around in my head out. Know this, I write for me. This post is going to lay some stuff out there, that is very personal, it may even open up the door for others to point fingers and be critical, but I am going to write it anyway, because I don't know what else to do with it.

I went through one of the many boxes of "stuff" that had been packed away in storage... I read a letter that I found to my oldest son. As a good a portion of it pertained to him, I asked him what he thought I should do with the letter. He said to throw it away and so I did. His remarks about the letter, which I will keep between us, took me off guard.

The next day my husband and I were watching YouTube together, our attention was caught by a video title so we watched it... I don't know what either of us had expected, but it wasn't that. So that night we watched it with our children and had a family discussion about it.

You see, I keep trying, and I don't know why. I keep trying facilitate a relationship for my children and their Father...

I made the decision to leave their Father when I saw the hurt he had caused them, it was one thing for him to hurt me, it was something else all together for him to hurt them... and then our family conversation the other day... "How did you learn to treat each other they way that you do?" We asked of each kid." "It is how my dad treated my mom," one replied. "It is the way my dad treated me," said another. My heart sank. I had always said staying for the kids was never the right reason to stay and my choice to stay may have caused more damage than the hurt I watched them suffer the winter of 2016.

I know why I stayed... If you hear something long enough, it can become your truth. No one else would put up with me. No one else could love me like him. He promised he would never do it again... I said for better or worse, I had made a commitment, I swore before God and our families this was forever. Love is a choice because sometimes you just are not going to feel it. This isn't him, this is his mental illness. I pushed him away. This was my fault. This was just me having a PTSD moment. I didn't take an interest in the things he took an interest in. I couldn't afford to provide for the kids on my own. FEAR.

I have been asked on a number of occasions if I thought that my ex would hurt the kids or me. I was asked if I wanted to have a restraining order in place. When he was trying to get out of jail I was asked so many times what I wanted. Decisions like that should not be left up to someone who is in the midst of an abusive relationship. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I ask for help? How could I?

In the middle of an argument one day, I had been backed into the bathroom, all I could think was I wanted to escape. There on the shelf next to me was a knitting needle and right then I knew how I could end it. I didn't though, why? Because stabbing him with a knitting needle would cost my children both parents.

I woke up early one morning and he was having his way with me. I fought him off, and he left for work. That night he told me that on his way to work he almost committed suicide. It was my fault, because how it made him feel that I said no and struggled to push him away. So the next time I woke up in the same situation, I just laid there. I would not be the reason he killed himself.

When he was in jail I was told how bad things were. He wasn't getting appropriate medical care. There were gang members trying to hurt him. He was having seizures. If I didn't get him out of jail he was going to die there. What kind of a horrid person would leave someone in that situation?

I often wonder now what was real and what was manipulation. I look back to through the years and I don't regret them. I wouldn't have my children without them. I am a stronger person, stronger then I ever knew. I wish I had ended it all sooner.

As we ended our family conversation the other day I sat with my oldest, after everyone else had left. I apologized to him. He replied, "We will be ok." "If you had left sooner you would not have been the person we needed you to be. It would have been bad."

...My kids call someone else dad now. Someone who has stepped in to that role with his whole heart. So why the conundrum? Why do I keep trying? How do I stop?

I still don't have the answer to how I could have said something, asked for help, ended the abuse. In the end I suppose what matters is that it ended. I will forever be grateful for the man who found me and gave me the courage to do something different.

Where do I go from here? What do I do? I forgive and ask for forgiveness. I move on. I am asked somewhat regularly what if any news is there regarding the charges my ex faces. I still don't know what will come of that, maybe nothing. This is me letting go of all of that. The future is bright and the possibilities are limitless.

36th Trip Around the Sun

2017-07-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

It is just days away, my 36th birthday. This sure isn't how I had pictured life at 36. It isn't that I had specific ambitions for 36. It was, that I knew how the outcome at 45 was supposed to look. So unobtainable now. I struggle between seeing where I am now as a failure or a grand new adventure. The end of the story is now unwritten. The last chapter still unfinished as a new has begun. I have said it before and it bears repeating, what is good is so good, but it came at such an expense. How do you feel such joy and such grief at the same time? They say that there is a reason the windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror... they say, they say so much, they have so many words, none that bring me peace as I finish out this last trip around the sun...

Not enough....

2017-05-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

There will always be questions of why you were not enough, but for the right person, you are more than enough. You are worth more than you know, and they will show you. It hurts. Letting go of a future, of a dream of hope, it is crushing. So today, do what you need to take care of you an know that you are enough and that you are very loved. I can promise that it gets better. I have been to hell and am fighting my way back. I have lost everything. I have been alone in the dark. I have been crushed under a weight I can't discribe. I can still feel it pressing down on me, but finally, finally I see a light. What happens if the light goes out? I surely do not know, it might kill me, but for now, I can tell you there is a light, and you will find it. It probably isn't going to be easy, or even look like what you expected. It might not be there today or maybe even tomorrow, but it is there... I promise.

You should write something he said...

2017-05-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

... but that was weeks ago. Finally inspiration struck... and then it was lost... as I sit here and type can I find it again?

I'm sure it would be easier to type my thoughts if I was not trying to drown them out with 102.9 Now streaming through my earbuds at a volume that would make my audiologist cringe.

So many songs, and so many memes resonating with my soul... this place... this time... this love... this grief... moving forward... looking back. The endeavor to give space to it all.

Can I walk through this season with grace and wisdom? Can I learn from the past to create a better future? Can I find strength in the moments when I feel my weakest? Can I show the same compassion that I so desire? In the face of fear can I find faith?

With so many questions, this one truth remains...

I Should Have

2017-04-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

..given up and gone to bed hours ago. Nothing seems to quiet the thoughts running through my mind, none of that maters though. Wondering how I got where I am today, I pulled out my 8th grade portfolio. 8th grade me and almost 36 year old me seem to be failing the same test. I wonder what test that might be though. While I am certain it is the same test, I am unaware of its content, and I am unable to study for, or pass it. So history just keeps looping.

So here is what 8th grade me had to say:

Life

It is a like a game you play.

There are days you win,

there are days you lose.

There are days you cry,

there are days you don't.

This is life.

There are ups and there are downs.

The ups you feel should last forever,

but neither the ups or the downs will.

You must keep on living.

Day to day, trying to live the best life you can.

Hurt

The hurt is overwhelming,

it burns within your heart.

The hurt seems to last forever,

but you're are sure it has to end.

Maybe tomorrow,

or maybe next week.

Tears

The tears steadily stream down my face as I ponder my fate.

They are tears of pain

They are tears of anger

They are tears of triumph

These are my tears,

can they understand what I can not?

January 17, 2012 - In an Instant

2017-04-13T14:00:00.002-07:00

In an instant
all your potential was seen
your future cherished
your life celebrated

In an instant

there were arms that could not wait to hold you

hands that could not wait to hold yours

Lips that could not wait to kiss you

In an instant

questions abound

emotions overflow

hearts are broken

because in an instant you were loved beyond measure.

August 18, 2000 Something VS today

2017-04-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

"A million thoughts are playing in my mind. Loud and quiet and all at the same time. Each vying for the slightest bit of my attention. To put them down paper...then they could run free. If I did would they no longer bother me? Would I never think of them again?? As you can see just thinking these thoughts leads to more thoughts. Writing what I have has made you think too. So then only imagine what would happen should I let the previous thoughts run free??? I wonder if you think the same things too. Do you? I don't know because if I were to be more specific, that would let them out and that...that my friend is just not safe. So like rabbits, they just stay in my mind doing the things that rabbits do. They just keep multiplying. "

I wrote the post above what seems a million years ago. I remember writing this post, I remember the subject matter. A subject I dare not have shared. Fast forward to today, and these rabbits are free. I know now, what I didn't know then... I wonder now if the years were wasted, or if everything really does just happen in perfect timing. You can't move forward caught up in the past. I must move forward, thankful for a million memories, plotting a new course, dreaming a new dream.

Many Moons Ago

2017-04-13T13:31:00.002-07:00

...What would life be like how different things could be. If you were here now running in circles around me. I would not trade those I have for the ones that could not be. That being said, it still does not keep me from pondering what would life be like, how different things could be. Daddy says he does not think about you and I wonder how that can be. Life could be so different if you were here with me.

September 4, 2007 - My Little Slice of Heaven

2017-04-13T13:27:00.003-07:00

Waiting for the phone to ring to have a conversation about nothing

the comfort of your presence

the silence of naptime

the mischief in their giggle

the twinkle in their eyes

the excitement in their smile

the lessons learned while watching

...and all of these other moments that will soon pass and be forgotten.

April 15, 2008 - Perspective

2017-04-13T13:21:00.001-07:00

Life is not a Kodak print but a painting. Odds are when it is finished it won't be what "you had pictured."

Home truly is wherever it is you make it and you will find beauty just about anywhere that you look for it. Be it a Smokey fire lit sunset because all of the grass is dead or the lush green that screams "come see how chigger bites you can get." In which Brad Paisley puts a new twist on the pitfalls of pests of that nature, which could lead to minutes or hours of entertainment. I let you pick which of the 2 you are.

It is always too hot or too cold somewhere some of the time. Deal with it. Enjoy the moment regardless, it will be the other extreme soon enough.

Despite how much easier it is to blame our mood, circumstance or anything else on someone besides ourselves, we chose every action and reaction we have ultimately deciding our fate.

It is ALL perspective.

Finding Freedom

2015-09-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer:

I suck at proof reading. It is 10:47 pm and I have no intention of proof reading now. As I go back and read this after I have posted it, I will shake my head and go back and edit it, as I do with every post. The thing is that I know what I meant to say and I can spell the wrong words correctly.

On with the Blog post!

So there have been many things that I have contemplated writing a post about since my last post. Life has had some interesting turns. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger or so they say. I don't know who they are but I would like them to know that I feel strong enough right now, and that they could lay off for a while.

This one thing though, this one really great thing, I started EMDR. What is EMDR, you ask? Well in short EMDR is a therapeutic approach proven to help people with PTSD. More information can be found here. They will explain it to you much better then I ever could.

So you have PTSD?

Yes, I believe that I have made mention to it in a previous post, but I am not going back through posts to tell you which one, nor am I going to leave that up to you. I have experienced 2 significant traumatic event is in my life. Now any of my family or friends who say there were more then that, don't remind me about them. I must have forgotten them with good reason. Which also implies that they were not so traumatic for me.

Trauma # 1

In the summer of 1999 I was in a car accident. The short story is that I rolled a car along side I-70 in South Canyon, between Glenwood Springs, Colorado and New Castle, Colorado. The sounds, the smells, almost every detail I remember vividly. The only thing that I have never been able to remember is how I managed to get out of my seat-belt and turned so that I could crawl out of the car, without falling on my head. (The car was upside down when it came to a stop.)

Trauma # 2

The summer of 2008 my youngest son had a near drowning experience. Don't worry, said kiddo is now 10. Near drowning is defined by surviving, at least temporarily after suffocating in water. My son was unconscious and not breathing when I found him. Again, this is an event that I can remember in vivid detail, with only one missing piece. Also, this is the very short story of this accident. Before anyone jumps to any judgments about unsupervised children and pools, and as a word of caution to all parents, this pool was very supervised. There were more adults then I can count with in an arms reach of my son. He was happily playing until, he simply was not.

It wasn't a decision that I made consciously.

I walked away from these two events knowing that every choice I made was life and death. There was no in between. I hit the snooze button instead of getting up when my alarm clock went off the first time. I didn't turn around for life vests. A million half second decisions that I didn't think twice about in the moment, now effected eternity.

I didn't say to myself "hey you sure did learn an important lesson you must now analyze and scrutinize the minutia of moment and every decision," but that is what happened. if only I had, if I had just, why didn't I...every detail of the most mundane decisions and conversations would live on instant replay in my brain for hours, sometimes days. I wished for an off switch. Heaven forbid I have an argument or disagreement with someone! Was I right or wrong, did I handle my self appropriately, what could I have said or done differently to have a different outcome? Always second guessing if I had handled things perfectly. I have feared even the smallest of mistakes. Driving in a construction zone, in unfamiliar places, at night...white knuckled. My husband and I have joked for years. While he drives he pays attention, but remembers to get some change back, enjoy the scenery. I just pay, never getting any change.

How does EMDR work?

Scientifically I can't explain why or how EMDR works. EMDR is something that my counselor has spoken with me about for years. She wasn't trained in it though and she gave me a referral. Realistically she probably gave me 10 at least every year. Introverted, probably to a fault though, none of these referrals were people that I had let in to my inner circle and I was not stepping out of my circle. I was really happy when she finished training this summer. To this day I can't explain how it works or why it works. All I can tell you is how it feels.

One of the first things we did when I started EMDR is talk about a safe place. It was after this session that I came to the realization that EVERYONE should have at least this one session of EMDR in which you find this secret place. So that, when you are done, at the mention of a word you can visualize your safe place. Your blood pressure goes down, you heart stops racing, the tightness in your chest is gone and you are at peace! Despite whatever chaos you were just feeling, you are now calm and peaceful.

Similarly we would talk (yes more goes in to EMDR then talking but again I'm giving short stories) about my experiences and what they had taught me to believe about myself. I had been striving for some unobtainable standard, that I was unaware I had even set. I had to be perfect! Imperfection leads to death! Obviously I knew that we can't all be perfect. I knew that in any given moment and situation, we are all (well, I hope all) doing the best we can. Knowing that in your head and feeling that in your heart are two different things.

Let Freedom ring!

As I said, there is a difference between knowing something in your head and feeling it in your heart. I walked out of my 3rd EMDR session feeling like a completely different person. I had an epiphany. These events, they were accidents! I know it sounds dumb. How could that have been an epiphany? In all of these years there was always something that I could have done differently. Something I could have or should have done that would have changed the tapestry of time. The thing is, I didn't have a crystal ball. Sure if I had gotten up when my alarm clock went off I wouldn't have been in that place at that time. What would have happened instead? Did hitting the snooze button save me from some other calamity? The fact is I don't know! I wasn't somewhere I shouldn't have been when I took my daughter to the bathroom when my son nearly drown. I made decisions in the moment not knowing their ramifications. I made the best decisions for me in those moments. I felt like this incredible weight had been lifted from me. I felt FREE!

What I didn't expect.

The first thing I didn't expect, I will save for last. Although it was simple it was profound for me and I don't want to take away from it by moving on to the next thing.

The 2nd thing I didn't expect, TEARS! I don't cry, or at least I didn't. In order for there to be tears my world had to have been in great turmoil and upheaval. Not so much now. Darn Hallmark commercials!

Next, I was driving down the interstate, in a construction zone, probably going a bit faster then the posted construction zone speed limit, talking on my phone hands free, during rush hour, when I had a stunning revelation. Only my left hand was on the steering wheel. My right hand relaxed in my lap! I was at peace!

Occasion 3, I came across another person who was very upset. I bore the brunt of their frustration. With an audience! The scenario skipped instant replay! There was and has not been any dreadful longing for an off switch!

Before I get to number 1, I expect for the next while I will be shocked as I realize just how stuck I was and just how free I feel now. I know that everyone won't have the same experience with EMDR, If it is something that you have heard of, something that you have contemplated and just were uncertain of, I can't express the difference I feel. You should feel it too!

Now completely out of order, and almost out of place after that last paragraph, the first thing I didn't expect after session number 3. At the end of Session 3 as instantly as I felt free I realized that my unrealistic expectation of perfection, even if I hadn't been aware of it, had been holding others hostage. The I should have, if only I, why did I, they were all equally, you should have, if only you, why didn't you... for that all I can say is, I apologize, I humbly ask for your forgiveness.

Just a girl

2015-06-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts I don't quite know where to start. All of these thoughts have left me sick.

I lack understanding. I'm sitting here waiting... I don't know what for. Some glimmer of hope. All of the cliches... if only they were not so true.

I am just a girl. I know that I am brave and strong and beautiful. I know that I am worth so much... I know these things... I know them.

You don't see my heart being ripped from my chest... because I am strong.

You don't see my fears... because I am brave.

You don't hear my cries... because I laugh.

You don't see my broken pieces... because I hide them.

Maybe all of that is true... or maybe

You have closed your eyes.

You have plugged your ears.

You have turned your back.

You have walked away.

I am though,

Just a girl wishing that I was enough.

Just a girl who doesn't understand.

Just a girl who is broken.

I am just a girl. I know that I am brave and strong and beautiful. I know that I am worth so much... I know these things... I know them, I just wish that my heart did.

The woes of life need no blame.

2015-06-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting with the above statement for a few days. I'm trying to make heads or tails of it.

I thought it might be helpful to break out the dictionary.
Woe

Noun

1. great sorrow or distress.

Synonyms : misery, sorrow, distress, wretchedness, sadness, unhappiness, heartache,
heartbreak

2. things that cause sorrow or distress; troubles

Synonyms trouble, difficulty, problem, trial, tribulation, misfortune, setback, reverse

Blame

Verb

1. assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.

Synonyms: hold responsible, hold accountable, condemn, accuse, find/consider guilty.... this
list goes on extensively.

Noun

1. responsibility for a fault or wrong.

Synonyms: responsibility, guilt, accountability, liability culpability, fault, rap.

So then, there is no need for accountability for the things that cause great sorrow or distress in life.

Woes can be separated the same way that my insurance company separates claims, "Acts of God" and "All other perils." If there is a hail storm, that is considered an "Acts of God" I pay my deductible and I get my car fixed. If I get in a car accident a person is assigned blame, be it me or another driver. Someone is paying a deductible and I get my car fixed. Three things happen here. Something bad happens. There is accountability, even when there is not a person to hold responsible. There is restitution.

"All other Perils" ~ Should there be no accountability for my choices when they cause someone else heartache? I believe the flip side of this would be to ask, do we want to be acknowledged and given praise when we have done something that brought someone joy? If yes, then is it right to only take responsibility for the good and not the bad?

Remorse is not a pleasant feeling but, so that our children never feel it, do we stop teaching them right from wrong?

I might just bite my tongue off...

2015-05-23T04:32:00.000-07:00

I know, for those of you really know me, this might be almost unfathomable, but there are lots of times that I bite my tongue. There are times that I just feel it better to say nothing. This was probably one of the more difficult things for me to learn to do. This blog post is a fine balancing act between the two.

First, let me own my knee jerk response:

(It should be noted that computer screens do not photograph well)

This wasn't quite my first response. A bit of Darwinism probably helped a girl out there. This brings us back to me biting my tongue. The debate to respond always starts with is a response warranted. Obviously you can all see at this point where I stand on that. Then, when responding to something or someone online I had to stop and consider the following:

Do I really need to engage in an argument on line for all of the world to see?
The whole world!!!!
Why does it mater?

So again here I am still proceeding. What am I responding to:

See me biting my tongue! There are no identifying features! It isn't even the whole post!

Why? Why does it mater? I would hope that most of my friends and family know me and can see through something posted like this. However, I would also think that the person who wrote it would know better. It was also posted in a public forum where people who don't know me very well or at all could read it. There are two sides to every story for those of you who have seen the original post and or know the writer, I feel the need to tell you my side of the story. For the rest of you, if you ever questioned my self-esteem I hope I answer some of your questions.

Let's start with self hate. I took this to mean that the writer thinks I hate my self-image. While there are things about my body that I don't like, I don't think hate is a word I would have used to describe them. In my 34 years of life my body has been stretched and pulled and scarred. While I would say that I need to loose weight, and that is a constant struggle, for probably the first time in my life I can look at my self in the mirror and say if I never lost another pound it would be ok. I can appreciate every scar every stretch mark and every curve. I can say unequivocally I do not care what anyone else sees when they look at me. Now just because I don't care about what y'all see, doesn't mean I think you need to see it all.

Self doubt. I can't argue that I doubt myself. I don't know anyone who doesn't have some self-doubt. I am certain that I have more then most. 5 years ago I experienced a life altering event that left me with PTSD. That day, I made choices that nearly cost me the life of my son. So, yes I doubt my choices constantly. It is hard to not doubt your self when, in your mind, even mundane decisions can mean life or death. On the other hand I do not doubt who I am or what I believe in.

While I struggle with my weight (folks my BMI is 34 I should loose a pound or two) and I doubt my decisions, I do not hate myself. I like who I see when I look in the mirror, both physically and mentally and I can say that I am proud of the person looking back at me. She is beautiful. She is strong. She is patient. She is caring. She is smart. Sure she has her flaws, we all do but, I love her anyway.

While there is still much that I could address I find it necessary to stop here and bite my tongue again.

Suffocating

2014-11-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

I keep trying to wrap my head around it. I can't. This isn't my harvest, I didn't plant these seeds. What did I do? How is it that I am deserving of this? I don't understand. This weight on my chest, it burns and I can't breath. I want to cry, but the tears don't come. I can't break anyway, they can't see. I have to be strong, but this burning it won't stop. One foot in front of the other, until all of the distractions are gone and then I am crushed. I have put myself aside and gotten lost. Is there anything left? Something other then this weight? It burns and I can't breath.

Just an Old Twist-tie

2014-10-25T22:17:00.001-07:00

When I was 14 someone taught me, "blessed are the flexible; for they are not easily bent out of shape." Some years later I came to the realization that while this is good mantra, even a twist-tie has it's snapping point. Seeing the world in black and white, I am quite certain 14 year old me needed that mantra. I need to learn to bend and flex.

17 years later, I sit here wondering, just how much more flex is left before the twist-tie snaps. Do I go to the store and buy said bendy metal to conduct an experiment? Would this give me an exact number of times it could be bent? Would I know that this old, warn out twist-tie has given all the flex it had to muster, and should have snapped long ago? If it snaps what becomes of the thing(s) that it was holding together? If it snapped could it still be functional? Maybe most important, these 4 relatively new twist-ties in front of me, how do I keep them shiny and new?

Object Lessons- Letting go

2014-04-23T19:49:00.000-07:00

On a recent visit to the town square my children practiced their rock climbing skills on a monument in front of the old court house, for that matter their Dad took a turn too. I know we probably should have found something more suitable to climb on, but we didn't. It isn't a large monument, probably about 6 foot tall and twice as long. It was intriguing to watch them all find the best place for hand and foot holds. They put so much thought into each movement, I was proud of them.

The boys scampered up the monument with ease and happily perched themselves on top. It presented quite a bit more challenge for the girls though. Evelynn had a few false starts before she was able to conquer her fear and make it to the top. With coaxing and coaching and cheering she finally made her way up. Her reign was short lived though. Mommy's fears of her falling off the top took over. Daddy quickly helped her down. Lilli had every bit of determination as any of the others did. She started up the monument and then backed down quite a few times as well. With David and I both spotting her she finally got her left hand on top of the monument. That right hand presented a problem though. She had a death grip, and there was no letting go. She could feel us hold her up. She could hear us all cheer her on, but she could not bring herself to let go with that right hand. Her goal with in reach, yet unable to move forward, she was left disappointed as she back down for the last time.

Don't panic... I'm just letting my thoughts escape.

2014-03-05T20:07:00.002-08:00

Like the whirlpool of a flushing toilet, putting all of these random thoughts on paper will take them all away? I hope it works that way tonight anyway.

So many things feel undone at the moment. I need some resolve. I can not tell if things are coming together or starting to unravel. I suppose whichever it is I will find out soon enough. Out of control I just sit and wait. Even if I see it, coming will I know how to react? This can be said about a half dozen things in my life at this very moment!

I said something to one of my kiddos yesterday and I sit here thinking to myself, 20+ years older then him those words still ring true to me where I am in my life today. Now I am not sure what to do about it, but I can recognize it. Fairly certain I am failing the same test for the gazillionth time, it is clear I know what to say but I don't know how to put it into practice in my own life. A very clear do as I say, not as I do moment. Oh well. ...and no I am not going to tell you my hypocritical words of wisdom.

Also as I sit here I think to myself, this is how the scale came to say... Yeah right you really din't think I was gonna tell you that did you? No, I am not revealing that number until I am way closer to my goal. Any way the point being that I find comfort in food. Mmmm mmm mmm yummy yummy food! Dessert please and thank you very much. Food comma always quiets the mind. At this point though I am fairly certain a bed and pillow may have the same effect.

I'll wake up and it will be a new day. I'll even get to check somethings off of my unresolved list. Just 2 more wake ups and I will get to run away with the man of my dreams and pretend, at least for the weekend, that there is not list waiting for me at home. Some day I will pass this test. That someday just isn't today.

Memory Lane

2014-01-05T14:49:00.000-08:00

The photo to the left was sent to me yesterday in a text message and it started a journey down memory lane. I dug out a box of photos and started sifting through them.

For most of these pictures I can remember the day they were taken. As I remembered who I was at that time in my life I was left wishing I could go back and tell that kid what I would know.

@ 7 It is called dyslexia. You will never be the best student but don't quit.Once you have lost momentum it is much harder to get it going again. Tell your mom that your teacher is abusive, she will have your back.

@ 9 Stop trying to fit in now, in the future this will only cause heartache. Be true to yourself, your likes, your dislikes, be confident in yourself. Kids are mean pay no attention to that, they truly are just trying to feel better about themselves. You don't have to justify who you are to anyone.

@ 12 Your struggle to fit in will now start to cost you relationships. Maybe these are relationships that you don't need anyway but when you are 32, you will wonder about it. You now have school friends and church friends. News flash, if you can't be friends in any setting you find yourself in, then you are not really friends. Your parents will get a divorce years from now anyway, don't spend a second worrying about any of that, just be a kid. "Blessed are the flexible, for they are not easily bent out of shape." You will learn this quote when you are 14 but if you could know it now, and realize that it applies in E-V-E-R-Y area of your life, you will be better for it. Don't be so judgmental. That one is easier said then done. It is your personality, however your judgement does not need to be on display for the world. On the flip side of that coin, people will judge you, that is there problem, not yours. Never listen to anyone who says " Just because you are strong enough to do something doesn't mean that you should." Again here it is about momentum, once you stop, it is much harder to get it going again. There are very few things that you can say that will change a person for the better, but what you show them... that is what will really make a difference. Talk less act more.

@ 14 Cherish your friendships. Some of them will last forever. You will go years without talking to or seeing some of these friends, but you will always be able to pick right back up where you left off with them. Some you will loose contact with and miss terribly. Again you will never be the best student, but take every class you can. Get all of the education you can while it is free. Take the ACT and SAT. You will make some memories that you will cherish always. You think that your are fat. You have no idea! It won't be long before your body is scared by car accidents and children, you really are perfect. You will meet the man you will marry, get to know this new kid, get to know all that you can about him because it will bite you in the butt after you marry him that you didn't. He will be your best friend, he will love you like no other and hurt you like no other, but he can probably say the same about you.

@ 19 You don't get do overs. Make things the way you want them to be. Nothing from this point on will be what you had imagined. How you have defined yourself to this point, well some of it is not nearly as important as you think so once again be true to yourself, your likes, and your dislikes.

This list could go on and on and on, but I can't go back. I can only carry what I have learned with me and hope that I can impart some of it to my own children. That maybe their list won't be so long.

Having a moment...

2013-11-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

A wow moment. Somehow, just shy of finishing up my 32nd year of life people still amaze me. I find myself wondering if that will always be the case.

A while back, and by that I mean a couple of years, my husband was learning about different personality types at work. He came home and we took a personality test together.(http://www.mypersonality.info) Surely since he was learning about them at work he had already taken one there but I digress. We took this personality test and found we were polar opposites. Not anything I didn't already know but then we talked about the idea of rounding out your personality.

I find this to be a great thing in theory. That you would be able to round out your personality and meet in the middle with others. My personality type is ISFJ (http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFJ.html). While I would like to think that I have tried to have a more rounded personality, I am not quite sure that I have succeeded. My introverted tendencies have taken over. After retaking the test I scored 100% introverted. (HA!) Leave me in my tight circle of friends or interact with me online (and days like today that isn't even safe) but, I see no reason to get out and socialize.

I say all of that to get to this one thing. While my personality may be somewhat carved in stone I am doing my best to be ...

Anyone know where I was going with that? ANY of it? I came across this "draft" the other day and thought I would try to sit down and finish it. Uh... Based on my original sentence, someone who I have known for a while had gotten under my skin and I was left awestruck by their sheer stupidity and or selfishness and I was perplexed how it is this person could still amaze me. Based on the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph, the interaction with said person has left me CRANKY. How I would tie the amazement into the personality stuff, who had amazed me and have I continued to have a relationship with that person? Well your guess is as good as mine. Oh well.

SERIOUSLY though, the personality profile information is cool, you can learn a lot about yourself looking at that.

Transparency part II... The rest of the story.

2013-11-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

My oldest sister would start her Isagenix journey before me. She too wanted to loose some weight, although she had nothing to loose in comparison. At the time more importantly she wanted to have the energy that she would need to chase around her 7 children. 2 of whom, she was about to bring home from Ghana. What I watched would amaze me. Not her weight loss, anyone can find before and after pictures but what adding, to the diets of her children would do for them. It was clear, Isagenix wasn't about weight loss, it was about being healthy.

Now, my sister knows me pretty well, and she knew if just tried Isagenix I couldn't go back. The mountain would be the cost. I would never have come up with the money to try it. Although I could see it work for her, surely it wouldn't work the same for me and I wouldn't want to spend that kind of money on something that wouldn't even work for me. So what did she do? She bought my 9 day cleanse and sent it to me.

Now, I should have thought this through a little better. I started Isagenix the week of my husband's birthday (Halloween) and my daughter's birthday and it was that time of the month. What was I thinking! Now I am not gonna lie, that first shake was awful. It didn't taste bad, no it wasn't chocolate ice cream but it could have been much worse. What killed me was the texture. Oh dear God, how in the world would I down two of these a day for the next several days? Ice, that is how I would do it. Wish I had known that before I tried to down that first shake. Blending with ice is key! Birthdays aside I had started this and I was going to finish it. At least then I would be able to tell my sister, see I tried it, it didn't work.

I survived the birthdays and Halloween candy, and it wasn't even hard. This would mean that I went out for lunch with my husband for his birthday and just sat there and watched him eat. I actually "went out for lunch" twice that week, but I held my ground. Strangely, unlike any diet I have ever been on. I was NEVER hungry. I was painfully aware of when I wanted to eat because it would make me feel good but I wasn't hungry. Even more bizarre was all this energy I suddenly had. I was going to bed at midnight and awake at 6 ready to start the day. I didn't even need that midday nap that had always seemed to elude me. The strangest side effect of all? I wanted to exercise. Well, I don't know my husband may say that the strangest side effect was that I suddenly was always pleasant to be around. I was smiling! The weight was melting away and so were the inches. Before the first 9 days were over I was wearing a smaller pant size. This wasn't a fluke, it was really working!

All of that aside I was back to the cost. I knew I didn't want to stop but money honey, it all comes down to money. Well some would say, and I would agree there is more to it then that but lets not focus on that. That is a blog for a completely different day and different subject. So I set out with my husband to find something that would compare to Isagenix but cost less. I wanted a plan before my 9 days were up. Now during all of this I hadn't looked at the calories, I mean I did my one meal of the day but I didn't look into what the rest of the calories added up to. So when I walked into GNC and the salesmen there pointed out just how few calories I was eating, I was floored. I told him as much, too. I wasn't eating more then 1000 calories a day, but I wasn't hungry, I had energy and I felt amazing. In short the salesmen said, "We don't have anything that compares with that," "If it is working stick with it." Yes, I did bring in bottles so that he could look and compare. The best we could come up with was to get Ensure high protein shakes and then stick with the Isagenix snacks and supplements. Let me be very clear the Ensure compares in calories and nutrients. It doesn't compare in the quality of nutrients or ingredients. I have been able to find some great comparisons so if you want that info just leave me a comment and I will get it to you.

Last Friday I had pizza and "grown up drinks" with friends and on Sunday night I should have stuck to the cleanse but instead I ate dinner with my kids. So Monday I was back to it, no floundering. Please keep in mind that 5 days in with Isagenix alone I was feeling great and loosing weight so surely where I am at today is a fair comparison.

So 5 days in to the new regime here is where I am at. Things I hadn't noticed got better with Isagenix. My pizza face was gone, so was my stiff joints, aching feet and back, what made me notice they were gone? That they are back! I haven't kept off the weight. BOOO! I measured this morning, and the inches are still gone, but 5 pounds are back. Come 1:30 in the afternoon, I NEED a nap. It is much safer for all of those around if I have this nap, otherwise I am a cranky beast. I don't think I was this cranky before Isagenix. Was I or is it just the stark difference in how I feel? I don't know. So this left me questioning, PMS? Well hardly I'm not due for that for at least another 2 weeks according to my handy dandy app. I am asleep shorty after the kids go to bed at 8 and the worlds worst mom has barley gotten them out the door in the morning. Thanks dear hubby for taking them to school so I could take a shower and get ready for work.

So now what? I am an addict. Even after reaching my weight goals I don't think I could stop. The difference in how I feel is just so drastic. David will get paid the week after this and I will be ordering a months supply of Isagenix. I'm a believer.

Transparency Part I ... lets start at the beginning.

2013-11-14T19:00:00.000-08:00

I started using Isagenix on October 29th and I started posting about it to my Facebook as a way to keep accountable. So in keeping with that lets start at the beginning.

I am quite certain I have been overweight the majority if not all of my life. I'd don't know, maybe I wasn't maybe I am not the expert on that.

Here is what I can tell you:

I know that Slim Fast was my friend the month before my wedding when I wanted to fit into the wedding dress that fit perfectly just 6 months before.

By some miracle I weighed less the day after my oldest was born then I did before I got pregnant with him.

Sometime between my oldest and my second kid I did Atkins for a while.

After my number two man child was born I weighed less the day after he was born then I did before I got pregnant with him.

Nursing said man child and living in a house with the bedrooms upstairs and the kitchen downstairs...Wow the weight was just fell off.

August 2005 I had jaw surgery and then for then until after Thanksgiving my jaw was wired shut. Now that was an amazing weight loss program. Unfortunately I was ALWAYS hungry and I couldn't eat. I lived off of ensure and warm jello.

For three glorious months I easily fit back into my wedding dress. I bought jeans that my butt looked good in.

Then February 14, 2006 I was pregnant again. No I was not one of those happy glowing pregnant women. Having my jaw wired shut would now come to bite me in the rear. After all I had just survived a famine, what if another one was coming? I would need to store everything as fat in order for my unborn child and myself to survive.

No famine came and said child survived just fine and unfortunately nursing would not have the great weight loss effect that it had before.

My waistline just kept growing. Along would come child number four and my waistline just kept growing.

Over the past few years my weight has finally hit a plateau. I have hit the gym, and I have hit the ice cream.

Stay tuned for Part II...

Some Quirky Catchy Title...

2013-05-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

...yep lack of creative mojo there. I want some great post title that ties everything together.

Instead all I get is ...

A couple of things that happen this week that I have had a hard time warping my brain and heart around...

... a cranky teacher broke my

baby girl ...

... and I was reminded,

people don't last forever...

Now, being that these two events are completely unrelated and really have nothing in common; that could be why I can't find a come up with a title that ties them up together in a neat little package. What they did have in common was that they greatly impacted my mood.

So much so that I quite literally got this far into this post and walked a way for a week before coming back to it.

To say last week was rough was an understatement and well a week later I have no clue where I would have even gone with this post. I don't think I can offer any insight or great words of wisdom from having survived the fallout. I walked away conscious of giving extra hugs and kisses and the importance of dropping everything to play. We are, after all, only promised this very moment. I am not certain that I need such a harsh reminder though!

Finding my words

2013-05-14T18:42:00.000-07:00

"Ever know just what you want to say...but can't find the words? Welcome to my world"

The quote above was my favorite find of the day, the first Apraxia Awareness Day. It's sentiments I can't even begin to fathom. To know what you want to communicate, to desperately try, and fail. To watch a look of enthusiasm fade to one of disappointment. Yet, with extreme determination, she/he/they keep trying.

As I type staring at this smiling little girl, I see how far we have come and am reminded of how much farther we have to go. This journey is not for the faint at heart and though we may have the privilege of accompanying E on this journey, it is hers. I can be here to fight with her and for her, to encourage and love her, and walk along side her, but I can't do what mommies are supposed to do, I can't make it all better.

Most of you reading this blog post know us, you know our family, you are our family, today though I came to the realization that doesn't necessarily mean you know about Childhood Apraxia of Speech. This was painfully demonstrated to me by my 7 year old who simply stated, "it is just when you are old enough to talk, but just don't know how." So this blog post is dedicated to awareness, that all who read it may have a better understanding of CAS.

Childhood Apraxia of Speech is a motor speech disorder neurological in origin. Specifically effected is a child's ability to plan and coordinate the motor movements necessary for speech. It has nothing to do with intelligence. They know what they want to say, they just cannot get their mouth to cooperate. Take the word eat for example, say it. Think about where your tongue and lips are, the shape your mouth makes. Now what if you had to think about each of those individual movements before you could make them. Then what happens when your brain betrays you? Even after all that effort you only were able to get the ē sound out. "I want to eat," suddenly becomes a monumental task and comes out sounding something like ŭ ē. Not understood by anyone around you, you try again. To no avail you now begin to point and gesture. You try again and again and finally you are able to get your point across. Now replay this scenario over and over again for every word that you said today. The most amazing thing to me is that some how through the tears and frustration there are these beautiful resilient determined little people who wipe the tears away smile, and try again. These kiddos spend countless hours in speech and occupational therapy and never give up.

To learn more about Childhood Apraxia of Speech please go to http://www.apraxia-kids.org

To see some of the many faces of CAS please follow this link http://share.snacktools.com/FDE55758B7A/ptmlg5af

Fake it `till you make it...

2013-04-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

...was where I left off with desire vs motivation. Essentially, I just had to get up and start somewhere. While I can't say the juice was worth the squeeze, it does feel nice to have theses shelves cleaned and organized. The next undertaking will be the desk in my bedroom. It is so bad, there will not be pictures of the before and after.

All of this stuff...

...and lets not forget this stuff

came from here.
Now all nice and neat and put away.

I don't know why or how and
I can't really understand it.

Look there are even extra shelves!

Now what I know is, if we just kept it nice and neat I wouldn't need to be motivated to do anything about it. Why and how I struggle to keep it that way I don't know, but I think it is probably a reflection of something else all together.