Why I Can't Date: Memoirs of A Single Woman

Help, Hope and Hurricanes

2017-09-30T14:57:00.001-04:00

In the aftermath of the devastation caused by Hurricane Irma, Sam Branson shares an emotional story of hope and community spirit in the BVI. Please watch and share the film #helphopehurricanes

Kendrick Lamar Meets Rick Rubin and They Have an Epic Conversation | GQ

2017-01-10T09:57:00.001-05:00

Today, Kendrick Lamar is considered a rap genius, but, in a Vice documentary, his former English teacher described him as an "average" student. More proof positive that the markers of giftedness do not look the same in urban students in poverty. One of the key reasons why only 7% of the students identified in Gifted and Talented programs are urban youth of color. Another why my life's mission is #ServingtheUrbanGifted.

My 8 Life Affirmations for a Powerful 40-Day Life Cleanse

2017-01-06T00:41:00.002-05:00

I cordially invite you to join me and many of my friends in making these eight daily affirmations a cornerstone of a new year and a new us. We will begin our 40-Day Life Cleanse on midnight January 4, 2017. If you choose to join us, know that you can customize the logistics of the cleanse based on and condition or challenge you may be facing. My only suggestion is that you stick to the original premise of the cleanse: to rid our personal live and spiritual space of negativity, so that, by the end of the cleanse, we have clarity and wisdom about our place in our communities, society and world in 2017. The cleanse is not a diet, resolution or fitness craze; it is the start of great habits on the path to a life change that includes a healthier body, soul and spirit.

I am mindful.

Give your heart, mind and soul the moments they need to be strengthened. Each day, before you leave out of the door, take 10 minutes to meditate—10 minutes when you have dedicated alone time before you encounter anyone else. If you don’t know how to meditate, I suggest the app “Headspace.” You can also visit the website: https://www.headspace.com/. The idea is to train yourself to, at moments of difficulty or stress, take a moment to clear your head. Being mindful is not about channeling spirits or anything spooky; it’s about achieving control over our thoughts and tempers, which in-turn controls are proclivities and impulsions. Being mindful entails taking time each day to train oneself to control negative thoughts and give way to new ideas.

At the end of each day, we will read our chosen material for at least 10 minutes before bedtime. To get a great night’s sleep, we will listen to soothing resting sounds/music at bedtime rather than watching television or being on social media.

I am healthy.

Focus on a healthier you being the primary goal of this cleanse. The cleanse is not about weight loss; it’s about being mindful of how we fuel and energize the body. We will start our cleanse with a commitment to drinking an ounce of water for each pound in our body weight. For some of us, it will be difficult to simply start off with a list of things we will not eat or indulge in, with that in mind, think of the life cleanse as a way to reset your body and mind into a habit of healthier, cleaner eating habits that fuel both body and mind. For starters, let’s commit to replacing all sugary sweets from our diet (sodas, candy, pies, cake, cookies…etc.) from our diet and replace them with fresh fruits, replacing all fried foods with baked ones...etc. Many of us know exactly how we should eat, we just don’t. Instead, we eat based on our emotions. By committing to replacing the negative eating habits with more positive, healthy ones, we are also committing to thinking more clearly and having more energy.

For the most part, whether you would like to explore raw eating, vegetarianism or any diet you prefer, the main concept is that we decide to put into our bodies what is best and most nutritious for us. This part is really up to you and your doctor.

I am bright.

Choose to read a book outside of your comfort zone. Search your mind for a question you’ve always wanted the answer to: Have you ever thought about homeopathic solutions to everyday problems, the difference between the ways darker skinned people process vitamin D from the sun, or what mental health conditions are prevalent in single parents.... etc.? Use that question as a basis for research, then choose your reading material. Write down your goal including what you desire to learn from your research. Be careful not to choose too much because your goal is to complete the reading before the 40 days elapses. When you get back on social media, let the results of your research be the first thing you share with your family and friends.

I am valuable.

Remind yourself daily that, no matter what happens, you are better than good enough. Say it out loud when you wake up in the morning and remind yourself of it when others attempt to devalue you. This too must become one of our daily mantras.

I am beautiful.

Look at yourself every morning in the mirror and remind yourself how uniquely beautiful you are. If you can, make sure you’re completely naked and in a mirror. Confess both you inner and outer beauty until it becomes your mantra!

I am strong.

Each day, carve out 20 minutes for yoga, core strengthening, cycling, hiking or walking. Here’s a sample schedule:

Even if you begin the this 40-Day Life Cleanse and falter at a step somehow, let’s say you forget to meditate one morning, or you eat the wrong thing, simply commit to begin again. In doing this life cleanse, we choose to explore our life force while examining how the positive and negative energy that flows through and permeates our space affects, for either the good or bad, the way we think and see the world. So, know that you are not on this journey alone. If you need encouragement or support, look for updates during my journey on my Phenom Teacher blog: http://ywhitted.wixsite.com/phenomteacher. I look forward to supporting you as we endeavor on this important journey as we endeavor to focus on solutions rather than resolutions for 2017.

The day I had a stroke and didn't even know it: a warning to us all

2017-01-06T00:40:00.002-05:00

It started during my business trip to New York.

Before I left for Manhattan, I began experiencing a tingling sensation in my left arm and hand, but because my MacBook Pro is like an appenditure, I thought I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder that was causing poor circulation in my arm, but in the coming days when I was no longer able to sleep because that numbness had migrated to my abdomen, thigh, leg and foot, I knew something was wrong. I called the Aetna Nurse Hotline and explained my concerns. It wasn't until the nurse began asking me questions that I realized the severity of my symptoms...issues I'd been experiencing and taking for granted (unsteady on my feet, blurred vision, and having a difficult time finding the right words....overall forgetting and being unable to remember simple things) .

Since none of these symptoms involved my face, I didn’t make the connection. As I spoke with the nurse, she explained the urgency of going to the emergency room. She suggested, with a nervous undertone to her voice, “You may be having a stroke.” I called an Uber to go to the hospital immediately. The Uber driver was a praying man of God and began pulling down strongholds, speaking in tongues and running red lights.

We made it to the hospital safely and during triage I learned my systolic blood pressure was more than 40 points higher that my normal 110 (110/60) and my heart rate was much lower than usual, less than 50. After running all of the necessary tests: chest x-ray, CT Scan and MRI of my head and neck, it was determined that I may have had a number of Transient Ischemic Attacks (TIAs), minor warning strokes, that usually lead up to a larger more menacing and debilitating, possibly life-ending stroke.

Here is more information about TIAs: http://www.stroke.org/understand-stroke/what-stroke/what-tia

Going to the hospital was my wake up call and I’m glad it happened this way, so I can share this information with others. I hope I can reach one of you if not all of you. Many of us are in survival mode and we don’t think about ourselves as much as we think of others. Often times, we don’t take care of ourselves. Many of us maintain an unhealthy weight, drink alcohol (or do other unhealthy things) when we’re stressed out, and don’t actually sit down and assess our symptoms let alone act on them. We usually take over-the-counter meds, which mask symptoms while we ignore our bodies.

I praise God for my second chance and I want you to have one too. Preserve yourself. You are an originally designed special creation and we will miss out if you're not around. If anything in this article raised your level of concern, get checked out today!

Concerned you may be experiencing a stroke? Check out this website to recognize the subtle signs, get your body the help it needs, and call 911 immediately. You could save your life or the life of a loved one. http://www.stroke.org/understand-stroke/recognizing-stroke

18 Things I'd tell my 18-Year Old Self

2017-01-06T00:39:00.000-05:00

As I embark on this life cleanse, I'm looking over my life in order to continue a more fulfilling journey moving forward. I often think about my most challenging years in an effort to heal what was missed that spills over into my current behaviors and proclivities. Today, as a part of my mindfulness training I decided to give advice to my 18-year old self. This is significant because, at the time, I didn't believe I would live beyond that age. So, I often lived each day afraid it would be my last. Hopefully reading mine will inspire you to do the same.

Hey Yo,

You've been going through so much and it seems like no one is around. When people come, they often leave you worse than how they found you. I know you're looking for someone to tell you what to do. I know you feel so confused and afraid sometimes so I figured it would be beneficial for me to leave you with some encouraging words of advice today:

Your future is as bright as the rising sun.

2. You WILL live past age 18 (yep, we're actually 45 now)!

3. You'll travel the world and live in two Muslim countries.

4. All of this pain you're going through will make you even more intuitive, intelligent and wise. It does NOT eventually destroy you; instead, it makes you stronger.

5. The people who leave you aren't supposed to be in your life anyway.

6. It's okay to cry. At your point of true freedom, you will cry a lot; don't be afraid of those tears. They will humanize you and you'll overcome everything you're cry about.

7. It's not your fault.

8. You're going to be an incredible mother of two beautifully well-rounded, talented sons who will adore you (they get to travel the world with you).

9. You are even more beautiful on the inside.

10. They LIED to you; You ARE valuable! You are BETTER than "good enough" even though, given what you've been through, you really shouldn't be. Just know that makes you a miracle (one of the manifold reasons why I love you so much)!

11. There's NOTHING wrong with you!

12. We're still goofy as I don't know what and I'm sure that will never change. We use our comedic genius to help others through their tough times.

13. Believe it or not we're an introverted deep thinker, that's why some people just don't get us (and that's okay).

14. You will live to see a phenomenal Black president and First Lady. They will be the epitome of class, grace and values. They are Harvard educated survivors; seeing yourself in them will give you a new resolve that you can do anything you put your mind to (their stories and examples will cause you to dig deeper and push harder). By the way, his wife, Michelle, is from the south siiiiiiiiiiiiyde--Chiiiiiii (and she don't PLAY)! #OnEverything

15. You will find out later on in your life that many of the people who actually had support growing up (you know, the support you dreamed and wished you had) are far worse off and have less of a moral compass than you do. Some of them will try to sabotage you for sport but don't worry; you vanquish them!

16. Believe it or not, the negative experiences you're going through right now will make you an expert in distinguishing and servicing urban gifted children like you.

17. You make a lot of mistakes; however, you will learn from them and come out better than you were when you went in. So, don't worry about it because, trust me, EVERYBODY is making mistakes. People just be perpetratin' a fraud! #RealTalk

18. I'm always here, I will always love you and I will NEVER (and I mean never, NEVER, EVER) give up on you--no matter what! #iGotYou

Love Always,

Yolanda (Your Biggest and Most Loyal Fan)

T.I. - We Will Not

2016-09-19T17:17:00.001-04:00

T.I. - Warzone

2016-09-19T17:15:00.001-04:00

Coco Learns to Speak

2016-08-28T23:20:00.001-04:00

Teach Them What it Means to Know the World!

2015-06-20T13:14:00.001-04:00

It's not enough to have children and take them around our families. It's not enough to teach them to love their communities. It's not enough to teach them about their ethnicity...If we want to make strides to end hate in our countries and around our borders, our children need to know and understand the world and the other people in it.

I have two beautiful sons that I've always believed were only loaned to me. I've never seen having children as a means to control a life or to even mold a person into what I wanted him to become. Rather, I have always believed that it was and still is my responsibility to expose them to people and chances I did not see during my childhood.

Last year, my eldest son, age 19, was here in the Gulf with me for more than a month and he told me that it was one of the most impactful experiences of his life. While he was in the emirates, I gave him a makeshift tour of the beauty and wonder...the magnificence of the United Arab Emirates, my new home. Yesterday, my youngest son began his journey from Durham, NC to Dallas, TX and then to Amsterdam. Shortly, he will arrive in Dubai and have an opportunity of a lifetime to see and spend time in one of the fastest growing countries in the Gulf region.

His potential travels had both families (both mine and his father's) up in arms. Why would you want to send your seven year old to the Middle East? What if something bad happens over there? What if he never comes back home? His father and I went back and forth as he vacillated between allowing him to travel and keeping him stateside. The one thing I could say to plead with him is that traveling abroad would broaden his scope....coming to the Gulf and meeting scores of new children from all over the world would help him better understand the value of one's place in a global society. After much cajoling, he finally agreed. Now that the initial anxiety of allowing him to leave the country has subsided, I hear him saying how happy he is that he made the choice.

In the end, as parents, we have a short amount of time to make a strong impact on our children. It is my hope that something in my story either calms your fears or inspires you to begin looking at opportunities abroad for your children. If you have any questions concerning programs abroad for you, your children or both please connect with me and/or send me a message. Remember, my primary purpose for being on LinkedIn is to leave a legacy (and inspire others to do the same). It's not enough for my children to travel the world; I want your children to do it too.

#HappyTravels

Have Faith, Pay Day Is Coming!

2015-06-17T02:44:00.000-04:00

Some people are resource rich...They have support. If they have issues or create a mess in their lives, they can call a parent, an auntie or friend for help. Many of us do not have this privilege and for those of us who do not, we must activate and use our faith to make it through challenges.

I encourage you: Rather than feeling isolated and uncared for because you lack the support you see others take for granted, take courage in knowing that God can depend on you to make it through and learn from your storms. In the end, no one, save God and your faith in Him can take the credit for your success. Hang in there, you are not alone; you have the Father of the universe carrying you.

Pay day is coming!

#‎TrustGod #‎OnlyBelieve #‎iBelieve #‎WatchGod

Things Get Real...All the Time: Letting Go

2015-04-11T15:57:00.000-04:00

Our level of investment in something or someone is an important indicator of how passionate we are
about that thing or person. Additionally, their level of consistent commitment to us is indicative of how valuable we are to them. If you find yourself exhausted and feeling inadequate because you are always the one reaching out, it's probably time to let go. It won't be easy, but you could save yourself a load of pain as you contemplate why you aren't as important as you should be to them. You are a treasure and their reaction to your worth does not diminish it. God has not changed his mind concerning you. If you're in this place, you are not alone. I'm praying for you and with you...that ‪#‎Love‬ would embrace you tonight. ‪#‎TakeCare‬ ‪#‎YouAreValuable‬‪#‎YouAreWorthy‬ ‪#‎YouAreWorthIt‬
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The Spark That Ignites Nations

2015-03-13T13:45:00.000-04:00

Many people ask me why I chose to relocate to the Middle East when there are so many students in the U. S. who need knowledgable, skilled, and caring teachers.

"I know; you did it for the money..."

Not really.

I must admit: the money is good, and it doesn't hurt that my accommodations are covered. In addition, my company-sponsored visa is covered while I am afforded the honor of free airfare home each summer and a hefty bonus when I complete my contract...an amazing package. It also doesn't hurt that I live on an island an enormous flat on a resort compound with all of the amenities of a five star hotel. Sure, to most starving and struggling, overworked and sorely disrespected U. S. teachers that alone would provide an excellent hook for relocating to the Middle East. However, these luxuries were at the bottom of my lists of reasons to come to Abu Dhabi. I came to blaze trails...I came to ignite generations!

My main reason for coming to Abu Dhabi was to be the conduit from which youngsters in urban school districts such as my former employer, Dallas Independent School District, could realize their dreams of seeing the world. It has always been my hope to see our students in high poverty areas realize their potentials and become global citizens. Since, in my experience, we are often times more accepted and respected when we reach beyond the four walls of our communities, traveling abroad to teach for three years gives me an opportunity to breech the gap between inner-city youth and the world that may recognize what those who discount them may not; they too are brilliant.

When I brought my eldest son here for winter break, I felt it was the beginning of providing a bridge between him and the world. Traveling abroad often reduces the fears associate with leaving one's community. Once an individual leaves his or her country for the first time, the thirst and hunger for learning more about the world around him or her increases. And the fact that I chose the Middle East, a place, according to the ignorant, associated with war and struggle, seemed to pose a formidable obstacle with my family and friends. The biggest question became whether or not I would survive a year, especially two years. Then, an even bigger question became, "Why would you bring your son to the war-torn Middle East?"

Jay finally arrived and found that the United Arab Emirates is one of the safest countries in the world as well as a region of the Middle East that is accepting of other people. In fact, he even found that locals and tourists loved his style and often stopped us to take selfies with him. Jay's style made him an instant celebrity. In a month's time, he enjoyed the eclectic cultures, fascinating architecture and loving nature of the people he met. Through his experience, not only was his view of the Middle East enhanced, but his thirst to touch the lives of people all over the world was ignited like the spark of some brilliant flame.

That is why I chose the Middle East in particular: a place where I have found many of my twins...a place that has become a part of my soul and global passion. I tell my students here they have forever changed the way I see the world. I am therefore through my experiences and hopes, without judgement, an igniter of flames...a blazer of trails and creator of legacies.

Your legacy begins with you. I charge you to find your passion and pursue it with vehement vigor. No matter what challenges you face always remember your purpose...run after it and blaze your own trails. Ignite your nations!

Don't Fall for the Okeedoke!

2015-03-06T00:51:00.001-05:00

A man who promises us the world when he's still living with or married to another woman is not a prize. And... if we fall for the foolishness because our egos are pumped and we think we have "one up" on the other woman (or that she's stupid and doesn't know how to treat a man), we are the bigger fool.

I know we've heard this a million times before and it never seems like a wayward man has to take as much societal heat or responsibility as the woman who falls for the Okeedoke. At the end of the day, society still looks at women as the ones who plot, scheme and steal from one another. Although this is particularly true due to issues with past-derived low self-esteem and fear of rejection, there is only one way we can fortify ourselves and avoid falling prey to the lies and deception used to temporarily placate us when we are vulnerable. During those times, we must be observant, be wise, be meticulous...be courageous!

I'm just saying...men (or even women--Yes, I'm speaking to women, but this issue also happens to men.) will tell us whatever we are gullible enough to hear, accept and cling to. If we are busy doing something other than musing over our singled, we can overcome feelings of loneliness and boredom.

However, I encourage you, if you made a mistake getting with the wrong guy, correct it. Stand up, brush yourself off and recover, but don't help him hurt someone else.

We've all been through enough! Love yourself enough to maintain a level of dignity and integrity and love your sister enough to shield and protect her from pain. We can't control what other woman he will seek out, but at least it doesn't have to be us!

‪#‎LoveThyself‬ ‪#‎LoveYourSister‬‪#‎GuardYourHeart‬ ‪#‎ProtectYourSister‬ #IbelieveInYou
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To Invest or Not to Invest

2014-04-15T23:57:00.004-04:00

Recently, I found myself in a bit of a conundrum.

I have a dear friend about three hours away from my home. I was contemplating going for a visit when I began feeling flustered. I thought about all that I have to do as I prepare for my move and I began considering the financial obligation of going for a visit when I know there are plenty of places I need to go and even more things I need to do.

More than anything, I try my best to keep my word. However, as much as I would have loved to see my friend I wanted to consider a few things:
1. Do I really need to do this?

2. Is thinking about this causing me stress?

3. Is it economically feasible for me to do it?

4. How will I feel if the visit doesn't go well?

It was all enough to make me feel frustrated. My whole face turned red. Then, I thought about what God had been showing me about the concept of investment and how I had often invested in others, but had rarely, if ever, invested in myself. I had always given every person in my life a chance except for me. So, when it came to sacrificing for others, it had always been easier than believing in or taking care of me. From my existence of backward bending motions, I felt enough pain from over-investing in others that my lesson taught me how to better love and care for myself, and, by not devoting time and attention to myself, I was discounting the gifts and talents God placed in me to appease and satisfy others. I was always left discouraged and I internalized everything. I decided it wasn't wise to see my friend and instantly felt a great rush of freedom.

My best revelation is: the most effective way to curtail disappointment is to monitor our investment in others. It may seem harsh, but, what does the word of God say about it? "Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life." Proverbs 4:23. There's no avoiding it.

If we invest too much in people who fail to reciprocate the same level of commitment to us, we walk away feeling used, mistreated, and discounted. I encourage you to give yourself a chance. You, too, deserve the same level of love, commitment and sacrifice. Besides, sometime we are blocking them maturing in Christ, which does neither us nor them a bit of good.

Please consider this.#GiveYourselfAChance

Famished: When It's Real

2014-04-14T22:05:00.000-04:00

This evening I sat down to have a transparent talk with someone...it was deep. It's always deep when I'm sharing my story, and it's hard too...sometimes.

I did notice something though.

No tears...no feelings of fear or anxiety.

Could it be that the conversation I had only days ago with a repentant ex-boyfriend; the one where I cried out...holding back all that I could only to squeak out words I never wanted to admit, "No one has ever loved me," I muttered beneath shuddering whimpers...trying my best not to let the hurt seep out...I recalled when I was so tied (ensnared is a better word) by the idea of investing into someone. Believing in the laws of reciprocity. Hoping I would reap what I had sown no matter whether the ground was good or bad...just because I believed in them...the men who scorned me, abused me and released me.

"I've hurt so bad," I squeaked...embarrassed at the idea that I had wounds so deep that I nearly deemed myself irreparable, entirely worthless and deeply eschewed.

Wounds from my past...from my childhood.

This day, though, I felt a release when my story came tumbling out. I was talking about my baby girl, Yolanda. That child I had often blamed for her woes, blow-ups and misgivings. Her explicit past, where she often lived...in her heart balled up in a corner hoping no man would touch her. It was as though I finally realized that she was that daughter I never had and the one person I had finally learned not to neglect...to embrace.
As I spoke of her, that past of sexual abuse and pain, I smiled because I had finally come to the greatest and most fulfilling conclusion:

I'm so proud of her.

If you find yourself in my story, look in the mirror...take a moment to smile.

Embrace yourself if you can. That person staring back at you is greater than a survivor.

He or she is an overcomer and a victor.

You, too,should be so proud!

God Has Bigger for You

2014-04-13T17:59:00.002-04:00

My Top 10 Revelations:

2014-04-13T15:58:00.001-04:00

1. I tapped into the foundation of my angst and frustration and this morning I cut the head off of that giant! ‪#‎Hallelujah‬

2. Some people came back into my life just to ask me to forgive them and I felt a release, which told me a lot about me.

3. It's 2014 and I'm noticing that the more liberal we are as a people the less accountable we are as a people. ‪#‎BackwardsMovement‬

4. The closer it gets to my exodus to Abu Dhabi, people I haven't seen or heard from in many years are popping up in my life. For so many reasons, I don't find that ironic.

5. I don't like combing my hair, but people seem to think my hair is most cool when I haven't combed it in about a week. ‪#‎Odd‬

6. I need a Frito intervention! ‪#‎SomebodyHelpMe‬

7. Oreos do NOT have dairy in them. The cream is made from soy. I hope I don't relapse. ‪#‎SomebodyPrayForMe‬

8. When I think about my children and the type of mother and woman I've become (without a true model to pattern myself after), I get a little emotional. ‪#‎PraisingGod‬ ‪#‎SoGrateful‬

9. I know I need to delete some people from my Facebook page, people who desperately want to see me fall, talk about me like I'm a dog, and have never believed in or loved me, but God keeps telling me that my arrival at destiny will increase their faith...so I keep them on.

10. My biggest revelation is that, even through my imperfections, God is working to perfect me. I trust in Him completely and choose life...‪#‎everyday‬

What is YOUR biggest revelation this week?

My Real Truth (Part 2): What Are Your Ten?

2014-04-07T22:22:00.000-04:00

1. I'm not perfect, but I'm so grateful I'm not the person I used to be because I was crazy and I stopped taking my meds.

2. I see people in a dichotomy. You may be a good friend, but a lousy professional and I know how to separate the two.

3. I refuse to date a man I work with no matter how drop-dead gorgeous he is.

4. I'm not stuck on myself, but I do wink at myself in the mirror before I walk away...every time I walk away.

5. I don't really care for salads.

6. I have a kind heart and want to help people, but I detest the feeling of being used.

7. I will play the dumb role just to see how genuine people really are.

8. I believe there's good in everyone, but that some people have been so jaded by life that they hide their good behind their pain. I wish y'all would cut that out!

9. I have a thorn in my flesh the size of Africa and I am looking forward to my deliverance.

10. Although people recognize my intellect and value my resolve, I have no idea which way to turn or what to do without the Lord. I know, assuredly, that I would fail without Him.

#WhatAreYourTen?

Touch Me...

2014-04-07T00:56:00.002-04:00

Everything does...

Every hint of goodness...I used to love him, but he didn't believe in me, and, eventually, he didn't want me at all. It hurt and I cried.

It's always pretty amazing when we find out that someone from our past sees something good in us. When they dote over us and imagine what we could become...semi-stalking us. It can be both intriguing and scary. I think I'll talk about my experience today from the intriguing side.

Over the past three weeks, I've had three ex-boyfriends stumble back into my life: one emailed me out of the blue (he's the most dangerous because he lives in close proximity to me), one found me on Facebook (I'll concentrate on him in this entry) and one I found on Facebook (he needs a blog entry all his own).

The one who emailed me...well, it's not that I don't think he's a good guy. Well, sort of...he kind of used me when we were together and stepped back in to the shadows for a while...asked me for help on a project and disappeared again. I think he's between women. Doesn't matter...He wants to see me. I don't want to see him. He seemed like a friend, but he's not good for me so...well, nothing more to talk about.

The one who found me on Facebook, interestingly enough, was one of the few men I was actually in love with. I wish I could say his name on here because he was one of the sweetest men I had ever been in a relationship with. In times past, when I was lonely, the thoughts of me and him lying in the bed talking and laughing...watching TV together...the thoughtful gifts he brought me. The way he treated me and my son, Jay, made me feel like we were in a real family (something I desperately wanted and sought after vehemently).

His mom loved me and I loved her. She often blessed me with organic vegetables from a friend's garden and was much like a mother to me. She used to talk to me...sincere talk. I mean, she really cared for me like a daughter and thought I was good for her youngest. I went to see her after our breakup and she was sad about it, but urged me to continue to see her. Out of respect for his mom and her memory, I will end my discourse about her here.

My ex and I were great, but I had issues with him smoking. I also wanted to stop having sex and give our relationship to the Lord. We shouldn't have started having intercourse because he didn't want to stop and neither did I. It was hard. I loved on him good and he was so kind to me that I couldn't help it. As my insatiable appetite grew, it was difficult to pull away. He was such an amazing lover and an even better friend.

In 2004, I had been having a difficult time in the church I was a member of. I was being marginalized and
discounted because of my past...I was being judged and it hurt because I didn't have anyone to lean on.

I was celibate.

My ex came over. It had been four years since our break up. I missed him and welcomed him into my home. We talked for a little while and I could tell he was still attracted to me...and I was just as attracted to him. The air in the room was electric. I was lonely and I often struggled with being celibate when no one believed I was. To shorten the story, he gave me the most luscious sexual gift and promised we wouldn't need to have sex for it. You know it was oral. It was him on me and as always he didn't disappoint. He laid me down and caressed my hips and thighs as he pressed his lips and tongue against that one special place. He made love to me with his face and I exploded with pleasure.

Afterward, he wanted to have sex, but I told him I couldn't. He was angry with me. Although I felt selfish and guilty...even confused, I didn't trust that he wanted to keep me and I was afraid to start something over with him again.

In a few days, in a fit of guilt, I called him and asked him to come back by. This time, I gave it all back to him. He seemed to be pleased, but he still wanted to have sex and so did I. He wanted to be inside of me. He wanted my legs wide open...feet tucked behind my head, but I still didn't want to give up my celibacy. I could tell he was upset with me, even after my gift to him, and I was perplexed. I hadn't paid him back as I had thought...that's not what he wanted.

In a week's time, remorse took a toll on me. I had been dealing with so much rejection in the church and in my community. I had lost a dear friend and I felt so alone. He was the only person I had in my life who wanted to be around me. I wanted to give him a gift. I wanted to see him happy again. I wanted to hear those accolades he always gave me. I wanted to hear him bellowing out my name...I wanted to hear him say it in that voice I evoked from him...the way he would squeeze me when I pleased him. I always remembered that when I felt depressed or rejected. When I felt like no one wanted me, I could hear his voice when I pleased him. I could hear his voice calling me sexy...saying, "Ohhhh Yolanda..." I wanted that.

I called him.

And I was anticipating making love to him like we once did. He was pretty endowed and I didn't want him to hurt me, but, as I thought about it, I knew he wouldn't hurt me because he loved me. I predicted that he would be gentle and that our sex would be beautiful like it once was.

I was wrong.

When I arrived, we had a short period of time to talk and he was on me. I let him do it. It felt so good to be received. I didn't think he would or ever was judging me. I released my heart to him again to trust him completely, but he wasn't that same person. He didn't love me anymore. He was wounded and ready to wound me back.

He ushered me to the bed, I pealed off my clothing and I laid down to receive him. I opened my legs and he shoved himself inside of me. It hurt so bad...I burned inside and held my breath almost the entire time. It didn't last long. For me, there was no eruption...no orgasm, only pain and blood. It was like I was a virgin losing my virginity to a rape all over again. Although the sex was consensual, it reminded me of the first time I had lost my virginity. A violent rape on a kitchen counter with a rag stuck in my mouth. My mouth and throat became dry and I looked at the ceiling to find a spot to live and wrap my body around and wide tears plummeted down my face...into my ears and down my chest into the folds of my cleavage. When it was done, I tried to talk to him...to reason with him, but he didn't believe I hadn't been having sex for all of that time. He didn't believe I hadn't had sex since the last time we did. Even though I bled and he couldn't even last inside of me, he chose to believe that I had put together some concoction to make my insides tighter to trick him...something that was completely out of character for me. I gasped...sick, sore and down-trodden, my heart hung in my chest sad, depressed and defeated.

I begged God to forgive me...flinging up thousand upon thousands I'm sorries, but I refused to forgive myself because I didn't feel like I deserved it.

When he was done, he didn't try to cuddle with me. He didn't even touch me. He got me a wet rag and let
me know he had somewhere to go...or needed some sleep. I can't remember which it was, but he made it clear that he didn't want me there anymore. I had to go home. When I think about it, I think he took me. However I got home, I was devastated and he never called me again.

A couple of days ago, he contacted me for the first time in a decade on Facebook. I was confused. He apologized (something not many men who had hurt me were man enough to do). What I couldn't believe was that he had kept up with me during the course of a decade...he knew what I had been through and somehow watched me go through it from a distance. He was able to tell me things he shouldn't have known. He wouldn't call me, he said, because he didn't think I would receive his help. It was difficult to learn that he watched me drown...so many people did.

In all, the thing that touched me the most about my experience today, talking to him on the phone, was that I heard things from him that I needed to hear...things that I don't get to hear...

His keeping up with me touched me. Even though it's a little stalker-like, at least he was willing to convince me that I would be a good wife. He tried so hard to convey that I was one of the sweetest and most beautiful women he had ever known. That I was valuable and special. That he would marry me if he could do it all over again...he would love me.

Although I appreciated his accolade (one without sexual intervention), I became despondent. He asked me if, when I return from Abu Dhabi, would I marry him...give him another chance. It's something that he had loved me and I had loved him and how I would have been enthralled to become his wife during that time, but that I was neither valuable nor believable enough for him to realize that I wouldn't have ever lied to him. I told him I never wanted to get married again. Much to my dismay it slipped out of my mouth without me thinking. It was then that I realized that I am a wonderful mom, a great friend, a phenomenal colleague, a dependable contractor, a law-abiding citizen...I'm a good girl and I'm amazing at everything except for relationship.

I've been in love four times in my life. None of them had ever chosen me and now I'm considering taking my hat out of the ring for good because I only want to take care of me right now.

Maybe some day...just not today.

My Funny...Not so Funny True Story:

2014-04-06T17:55:00.003-04:00

Can you say, "Character-building Day?"

My landlord got me a "new" refrigerator. It seemed really nice until I cleaned it out and discovered dead
roaches. Yes, ewww! SO, while I'm taking my exam online, I text my landlord to tell him that I'm seeing roaches in the barrier I put up to keep the ferrets from getting behind the fridge.

Tell me WHY this gentleman came over and began emptying a can of Hot Shot roach spray behind and on the side of the refrigerator. Now, he's back there coughing like a hag, but he just keeps on spraying. Before you know it, I come out and say, "I think that's enough. That stuff is everywhere!" *cough, cough...achoo!!* To wit he responds (with his face covered and while he coughing up a lung), "Oh Nawl *cough...gag* it's okay *gag...cough* just a little bit more and you ain't *cough...sneeze...cough...cough* worry about no mo..." *gag...gag...gag* He continues emptying the can and proceeds outside like he just came out of the Mustard Gas Chamber!

He conveniently leaves me coughing up a lung. Right then I had to stop everything (including my test) to open anything that could bring outside air into the house and prepare to take the ferrets outside in their cage. Meanwhile, our smallest ferret, the ever illusive Penelope, is NO WHERE to be found. I look all over for her and I get extremely frustrated because I have too much to do to be looking for a dang ferret.

I called my oldest son to ask where her favorite hiding spots were...no Penny!

"She finna die in here, Jay!" I don't want her to die in here!"

I drive to the store and come back home.

I sat there in the driveway...hoping Penny was still alive and texting my landlord in a panic:

"Me and the ferrets aren't going to be able to stay in here...I can't breathe in the house now and that stuff is getting everywhere as if you set off a bomb in the house. I really wish you wouldn't have sprayed so much"

"Sorry dear, just killing roaches. Call me if you need help"

"I don't know where Penny is! I hope doesn't die."

"Turn off all sound and listen for coughs, u find her"

REALLY DUDE?? Ferrets don't cough! Ayyyyyyyyyeee!

I remained silent...still sitting there thinking about Jeremiah playing with Penny and how much he really loves her. I thought about her lifeless little ferret body and how she might stink before I finally found her body to dispose of it...all alone with a dead ferret in the house. #GROSS

Suddenly, in my periphery I see a white, fluff-ball. I turn to see what it was...it was Penny!

Now, I don't feel like doing any work. Geesh! Thanks, Mr. Landlord.

My Real Truth--What Are Your Ten?

2014-04-06T00:52:00.001-04:00

1. I find athletic men absolutely sexy...I'm saved, but I do mean sexy (no edit-I do have to pull down thoughts).

2. I've never, neither have I ever, wanted to share a man with another woman (I happen to think I'm too amazing for that)

3. I get annoyed when people mistake my use of elevated diction for arrogance.

4. I've only been in love four times in my life.

5. I want to give myself to one man and I am willing to wait for the right one.

6. I've finally been delivered from Oreos, but I haven't been delivered from Fritos (I'm a work in progress).

7. I'm a vegan who still wants to eat cheese.

8. For once in my life, I finally love myself.

9. I cry at least once a week.

10. Most important---> I believe God made me special and created/designed me for a purpose greater than I can even conceptualize.

What are your ten?
#ItIsSo

Redefine Failure: We Have NOT Failed!

2013-11-28T21:12:00.000-05:00

In life, our perceptions drive us. We often believe that, when we don't reach our goals the way we expected to, we have failed. We have big God-given dreams. When we hear the call of God, we know we can do it. We hear the Word of God with confidence and run to tell someone. Then, opposition arrives, and, as obstacles come, we feel as though we've made a mistake, and, in fear, we often give up before we can accomplish the goal. Regrettably, that's when we create our own concepts of failure based on our fears of inadequacy and many times the eschewed views or disbelief of others.

It is imperative for us to realize that our shortcomings lead to perseverance and that consistency is what God wants us to cherish. We have to realize that is most amazing about us is that we do not succumb to challenges; rather, we push through with vehement fervor! The word of God says, "We are not of them who draw back unto perdition (destruction)." Hebrews 10:39. It is necessary for us to remember that, if we choose to live in fear of the obstacles that come with our calling, we also choose to drown in the regret that will accompany the pain or feelings of defeat. Unfortunately, the disappointment that comes with a dream deferred is far more damaging than our falling short of our goals as we persevere.

We have a choice: either we continue to press toward our goals, intimidated and fearful (many times with tears in our eyes and streaming down our faces) or we recoil and regret not moving forward for the rest of our lives.

I encouraged (even beseech) you to change your perceptions and ideas about failure. Know unequivocally that when we choose to try, we shall not fail. However, if we refuse to try, we have failed already.

As of today, know that we have not failed. As long as we still have air circulating through our lungs and a beating heart, we can touch our dreams, we can accomplish our goals, we can make it to and live in our Canaan. No one can stop us but us.

Selah

The 360 Lesson

2013-11-12T16:08:00.001-05:00

Sometimes we make unorthodox decisions based on the intent of our hearts. Whether it be that we are too passionate, too caring or too overwhelmed, many of our decisions usually come from a good place...or so we think...at least we hope.

The awesome thing about God and His way of working things out for our good (Romans 8:28) is that we receive a lesson from every aspect of our situations. When we overact, for instance, we surmise that we need to learn patience. When we lie, we learn that the opinions of others are more important to us than having or keeping our integrity. And, when we allow people to use us, we understand that we fail to value the precious anointing God has placed in us...that perhaps we don't feel as though we deserve happiness...that we, instead, are placed in the lives of others to serve them rather than God. Maybe we may even enjoy the control we have over someone that constantly depends on us rather than trusting in God.

The greatest lesson we can learn from the fullness of our sufferings and inconsistencies is how we see ourselves.

Once our true character is tried by the dilemmas we face we may find ourselves saying, "Who am I, really?"

Interestingly enough, every lesson we learn points back to a flaw that, if we choose to correct, will usher us closer to the purpose God has for us. It is then that we realize, through the situations we find ourselves in, God has destined us to ameliorate ourselves! That at the foundation of every challenge are the tools to see ourselves more illuminated. The amazing thing about that light is that it serves a dual purpose: to show us our infirmaries and to intensify the beauty of our path.

Yes, the things we suffer: homelessness, shame, molestation, embarrassment, abandonment, hubris and the like bring us closer to our path and strengthen both our resolves and our stories
When we think about it this way, there's so much more light in those gloomy places we would love to bury.

Why I Can't Date: Memoirs of A Single Woman: Avage: Symbol of an Existence

2013-07-05T20:59:00.001-04:00

Why I Can't Date: Memoirs of A Single Woman: Avage: Symbol of an Existence: Today, as I prepared some Ginger tea at my favorite grocery store, Whole Foods, I looked for the appropriate sweetener. There was &quot...

Avage: Symbol of an Existence

2013-07-05T20:45:00.004-04:00

Today, as I prepared some Ginger tea at my favorite grocery store, Whole Foods, I looked for the appropriate sweetener.

There was "Sugar in the Raw," "Truvia," honey as well as a host other natural sweeteners. Since my body doesn't know the difference, I relied on how much it enjoyed the taste of the sweetener in conjunction with the floral sapidity of the ginger tea. When it came down to it, I noticed that my overwhelmed pallet prefered the sweetness of the Agave above all others. Then, I had an inspirational revelation:

When I look at an agave, I don't think sweet. I think arid desert...I think aloe vera...I think self-sustaining plant. However, when I partake of the melliferous bouquet, suddenly I feel an overwhelming sense of joy. It's a nearly orgasmic connection between my taste buds and my brain.

I know this sounds a little over the top, yet I promise it's true. Agave nectar must be one of my most favorite sweeteners. Consequently, just as we may be deceived by our ocular perception of the agave plant and the intense satisfaction of the agave's nectar, so much of the same could be theorized about a broken soul...even our own.

In pondering the succulent inner beauty of the agave, I learn a lesson in judging that carries over into my thoughts of others.

Sometimes we see others broken down...weak...despondent or in a state of despair. Maybe we see someone who always has a negative story to tell. We may see them as a complainer or someone who is so acquainted with their struggles that they forget about the blessings seated before them. Many times we separate ourselves from them because we believe they're too weak to be in our circles.

Even our own sufferings can cause us to discount the greatness within. At times we may even forget to look back from whence we came and measure the distance between our moment of lack and our desolate beginnings.

In the grand scheme of things, we too are as the agave nectar. Others may judge us based on our shortcomings without fathoming the sweet satisfying surprise that lurks within us. Unfortunately, whether we are judging others harshly, or we are judging ourselves with internal disdain due to a misalignment that we determine or interpret as a failure, we need to take a moment to slow down, collect our thoughts and breath deeply...then, push through because our lives depend on it.

Maybe today I can encourage you to see the sweet nectar in another...or perhaps dig deep within your hurting soul to find and celebrate your own nectar.

Today, as I enjoyed the perfect sweetener to my cup of cold ginger tea, I also found a topic that resonates within me and I welcome the deep introspection a simple plant brought on the ebbs of its decadent flavor.