(click to enlarge)

(click to enlarge)

I left a perfectly good antique telescope on the bookshelf. And I then I found this post-autopsy collection on the table :-

From http://zee365.tumblr.com

I’ve raised him well.

5 seconds go by, he doesn’t stop.

10 seconds go by, he doesn’t stop.

“What Ayaan?”
“What are you doing”
“I am on the toilet”
“What are you doing on it”

Seriously dude, you’re almost 5.  Figure it out!

“Can I finish please?”

He continues to knock.

“Go away”

At this point he starts banging on the door.  A few more seconds go by. Now he’s screamin’ my name and hitting the door.  About a full minute later I finish my business, wash my hands and start to floss my teeth.  He continues hitting the door.

Two more minutes go by.

I change into my PJs, brush, use the mouthwash, wash my face, curse those zits, play the “find-some-hairs-on-Zeeshan’s-head game”.  All while Ayaan continues to scream off the top of his lungs while kicking the door.  I know I could’ve opened the door, but I do need some alone time.

I clean the countertop, clean the bathtub, organize the shower area, fold dirty laundry … all just to avoid having to deal with him.  But he continues to scream.

I take a deep breath, collect all my patience and open the door.

“Why, Ayaan, why are you screaming?”
“Why won’t you tell me what you were doing on the toilet?”

Uh, like a failed soul I lower my shoulders and reply.  He smiles and walks away.

That’s it?  Nearly ten minutes of screaming, yelling, kicking and crying just to hear THAT?  I take him to the library, I sent him to preschool, he’s been at the junior kindergarten for a while, I took him to taekwando, I take him skating, I take him to soccer, I take him swimming.  After all that his mental maturity is basically crying for ten minutes just to hear what I was doing on the toilet, and then instantly smiling and walking away?

Real question isn’t why I am bald, real wonder is how I’ve managed to still hold on to my eyebrows.

Me: “What happened?”
Ayaan (nearly 5): “When I was 3 you asked me to do something and I was doing it and you got angry at me”
Me: “But why are you crying now???”
Ayaan: “I was going to do it but you got angry anyway”

Seriously, dude?  That’s how we’re going to roll now?

As it turns out, they put you in jail for not feeding your kids and obviously we don’t want that.  So I stick with my minivan. I do have an ingenious system to deal with the situation (or so I thought).  I drive my minivan pretending I am driving an A6.

As it turns out, my system worked a little too well.

The other day I was driving on Derry (on my minivan of course) when a 2012 A6 pulled next to me.  Since the car just hit the market, it was the first time I actually saw one on the road.  My first thought was: “hey look, we’re driving same cars”.  The driver noticed me looking at his direction so he glanced towards me.  As our eyes met, I gave him a “hey look, we have same cool cars” look.

It literally took me 5 seconds to notice my A6 was much higher than his and another 3 to remember I actually have a 5 year old minivan.

Phhbb, whatever.  My A6 is just as nice as his.  And mine carries 8 people.  He got a rotten deal and he was jealous.

“What?”, I snapped.  Safiya, what did you say?
Safiya: ”I said this book was stupid”
Ayaan: “oh my God, she said that ‘f word’ again!” 

That was close, even closer than the time I thought they were talking about the s word (reason #112)!  I was wondering how my 4 year old who hasn’t even started school yet knew the ‘f word’.  I was at least 5 before I started using it.