Wife and Mom with a Drinking Problem

My Boozey Friends

2013-02-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

How can anyone stop drinking and lose their friends.

The thought of not being able to drink around my friends - SUCKS.

All CAPS -- that's right -- SUCKS!

I've done it before and once I get through the initial part of hanging out it's fine. And I feel a lot better in the morning.

They wouldn't care if I didn't drink - it's me that does. How can I get over that? How can I be OKAY with not drinking around friends or in social settings where there is booze?

How have you cut ties from your boozey friends?

Booze on the Mind

2013-02-14T09:37:00.002-08:00

The last couple of weeks I hadn't drank. Well, I drank at a Super Bowl Party and was behaved. I was fun and had a good time.

Then I cut back to nothing because I'm trying to diet again. I've slowly been gaining back the weight that I lost, so I'm trying to get that under control again. Until last weekend, I had 3 beers. Is it normal to know the exact amount of beers that I had?

Yesterday, I met with my phsyciatirst to review my recent medicine change because my husband and I have been talking about trying for a baby. I felt good, I had been working out at eating right for a little over a week. This was a huge accomplishment and I wanted to reward myself by drinking after I weighed in losing not even a full 1 pound.

I was pissed.

So I lied to myself and said that it was sunny and I was still in a good mood and that I deserved some of my favorite beer. So I stopped by the gas station to buy beer before I picked up my daughter from school. My little treat awaited for me in the trunk of my car.

I know I must have a problem because even when I'm not drinking and feeling good - I think about beer. I'll be running or on the ellipitical and then the thought of a beer will pop into my head. My bad side of my brain will tell me that I'm working out so I deserve a beer when I get home.

I ignored it until yesterday.

I self-medicated.

I loathe myself for falling again.

I want to be normal.

On the outside, I look normal, I am fairly successful in my career. I live in a nice brand new home. I have an attractive family. I have lots of friends.

But on the inside I have a demon and it's called alcholism.

I've gone to meetings and I don't like them. I feel way out of place. And think that I can get a handle on this like any else in my life. Or is that the booze talking to me again?

One last thing before I sign off - I lie to my psychiatrists. I'm embaressed to even tell her that I am still struggling with my alcohol use. It used to be a lot worse and she knew about that then and I told her that I'm doing fine - not feeling the urge to drink every night.

I'm totally rambling on and who knows if anyone will ever read this crap, but I'm feeling a little hopeful at least getting this out there. Letting out my thoughts to the world behind a fictitious name.

Sally

I feel worthless

2013-02-14T09:27:00.000-08:00

So I never made it into work today because I am so sick.

I don't know what hit me last night. I hadn't drank in a while, the weather was nice and I decided to stay home, skip working out to drink. What a loser.

My poor child has to put up with me. Luckily, she doesn't see me get rip roaring drunk - I saved that for after bed time.

And for my husband.

I can't stop re-playing the events of last night in my mind. (From what I can even remember.)

My husband is pissed at me. (Rightfully so.)

Hell, I'm pissed at me. Why can't I just drink like a normal person?

Why do I have to turn into an argumentative lunatic when I'm drunk?

Am I alone? Do you feel like this too? How do you make it stop?

How did you stop drinking?

I have a serious problem with booze

2013-02-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

Here we go.

A clean slate, so to speak.

I'm staring at a blank screen, my curser blinking at me, my head throbbing and my heart's weighted down with more guilt from a shitty night.

I'm hung over.

I feel like hell since I was a monster last night to my husband.

I've tried meetings, I've done therapy, and I know I have a problem. And my problem kicks me square in the jaw when I cross the invisible line between happy drunk to F$*#ed up drunk.

Writing helped me through one divorce and I don't need another one. I have the best husband in the world and a beautiful daughter.

I'm young and teetering on the line of throwing it all away from my stupid drinking.

So, I'm giving this a try. Blogging, I'm not using my real name and nor do I hope that anyone that knows me finds out about this little secret.

I feel like hell; depressed and all out of sorts from my booze last night. I am going to be worthless at work today.

Cheers to a double life and writing away my problem with booze.

Sally