Nap-time Notes

Moment

2014-08-10T09:06:00.002-07:00

I remember it clearly,

Looking across at you as you drove me to the airport.

Your eyes on the road,

curls sheltered beneath

the yarn of your cap

at first light

in the chill.

The sense

that you were a

real man.

The kind I could

(and should)

give my heart to.

One who would give

everything

without thought of

keeping any

for himself.

Lessons learned in

brokenness

shaped the set

of your shoulders.

You withstood.

You found a voice to give praise

from the ashes

(of an aftermath)

I shared the experience of

thousands of miles-

and years away-

from knowing you.

We lost our futures before we knew

our future

was to be found

in each other.

But, looking at you-

absorbing you-

It was plain to me

that you were he.

The years have proven the truth I felt

inside of that moment-

of what you're made of,

who you are.

Whose you are.

And that is all that matters now.

We All Fall Apart

2014-06-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

We all fall apart sometime. Or rather, the reality of it strikes us. Sometimes it's a myriad of tiny reality pin pricks and other times, it's a blow.

My friend posted this photo to Facebook last night. That's me on the left.

Insert: CRINGE, ~~SWEAR~~, & GRIMACE

I've been trying to un-see it for the hours that have passed since. It was taken the morning after a super fun triple family camp out.

I don't always look angry, bloated, and exhausted. I usually don't wear my pajama shorts with the top half of my outfit, either. But, that's how things were when I got called outside for a group photo with a couple of ladies (and a baby) whom I absolutely adore.

Neither do I consider myself a particularly vain person, although I'm at least moderately vain-I think most women (and men) are to some extent. So, my inner reaction surprised me with its intensity.

I complain that Facebook is a place where people cultivate an online representation of their ideal self. Then, when a less than ideal version of myself is made public on Facebook, I'm thoroughly uncomfortable with it. Obviously, I'm as guilty as anyone else is of wanting to be seen only on my terms.

Seeing myself like this-it holds a mirror up to me that no ordinary mirror can hold up. I'm flawed. I'm a year away from 40 and I have to work harder and harder to keep things the way they've always been because I don't know what else to do. I feel like I can really, re-he-healllllly identify with Goldie and Meryl in Death Becomes Her.

Yes, I want to, need to, UN-SEE it.

What to do when the seams unravel? The outer seams, (wrinkles, bulges, gravity's pull) and the inner seams (anxiety, negative self-talk, fear)?

What brings the pieces together? What silences the negativity and fear? What reveals the beauty at the heart center?

It's not a what, it's a whom...

Jesus. It's that simple and that complicated.

It's a daily, every hour, every minute, every second struggle to tune in to Him and tune out from the lies. Lies that say my value can be found in the most vulnerable and fleeting of places.

It's time for some Proverbs 31:30, my friends.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

I pray-for peace-acceptance that this is the way of time.

I pray for gratitude-much of the reason I lose sleep and feel trapped in another person's body is because I have 2 little human beings I'd never trade for a wrinkle-free complexion or bump-less silhouette.

I pray for Love-His Love, for me-that I would allow myself to receive it, that I would love myself enough to release unrealistic expectations and be joyful. JOYFUL, I tell you!

I pray for freedom-freedom from the desire to prove something, the endless striving for what's out of reach, from finding self value from anywhere I ought not be seeking, and from any other ideas that bind me and prevent me from being near to Him.

Does that mean I quit taking care of myself? Of course it doesn't-being healthy makes life more...just, more! And, putting an effort into one's appearance is rewarding-but, I do this for my own reasons.

I'm sure one day a much worse image of me will be made public. That's okay.

It's much less attractive to be held down in chains.

example

2013-12-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

tiny fingers
linger

just a blink

kitty dishes
on
chubby knuckles

will find themselves
in a sink

will find themselves
building, comforting

reaching

for what we show
is
worth the reach

If You Have

2013-10-31T12:17:00.003-07:00

If you have children near-

and the air is soft with the possibility of rain,

the leaves are being lifted and twirled with the force of autumn's breath,

and ladybugs circle in busy preparation

...then,
the most exquisite way to blend these ingredients

is to get out a bubble wand

and take in the children as they go giddy
chasing bubbles in soft air,

surrounded by leaves orange, red, and gold,

ladybugs finding a spot on your sleeve for rest.

Take a Breath

2013-06-28T10:05:00.001-07:00

Hold on mama,
Take a breath-

Search my eyes,
Into their depths-

Realize...
How soon I'll grow-

Then exhale
and
Take it slow.

--Composed while nursing JuJu Bean

St. Francis, the Butterfly

2011-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Arriving home from the groceries just before lunch, I came up to the front door to see a monarch circling around the entry area to our home...I took it to be a beautiful blessing and decided to let that little encounter plan our lunch time. Although it was very damp (misting) outside, I fixed us a quesadilla picnic and a few minutes later Ever and I were sitting outside munching. Ever spent the greater part of half an hour studying a slug make its way down from mid-tree to the ground, completely in awe.

I stood quietly nearby, breathed many deep breaths, and unfocused my eyes so I could take in the soft gray atmosphere above lit up by pockets of amber beginning to poke out of the surrounding green...and then I began to see tiny water drops swirling through the air all around (which are invisible when the eye is focused). I was still me, but another version of me...almost free of my physical self and yet, embraced by so much physical beauty that I felt as though I had been plucked out of almost reality and inserted into this luscious moment of pure life and energy literally emanating from every living thing around me.

Perhaps this is what St. Francis of Assisi experienced when he came to have such potent experiences with God through nature...it is a gift that I pray I would be a worthy steward of. Thank you, lovely little Franciscan butterfly for catching my attention, shifting my day entirely, and bringing me into such a state of contented gratitude.

No, I'm not pregnant-just a planner...

2011-06-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

Staring at an overturned laundry basket as I breathe deeply and consider what....to....write...

Thinking of my little one seated on it so sweetly waiting for me to hurry up and take her to the beach this morning.

Am I ready for another even littler one? Will I miss many of her very special moments if I have a newborn taking over my life again?

I see other moms with more than one child under the age of four, and many of them make it seem totally natural-they seem to embrace the ensuing whirlwind of personalities, needs, and laughter (and other expressions of the not so happy type). I also remember being the second child...and then the middle child. Often happy to be left alone, sometimes made to feel as an afterthought (by my very loving but very busy mama).

I also think about all of the moments of fear and doubt seated in the fact that I had never had a child before during Ever's first year of life...how will that play out if I've done it already? Maybe it won't be so hard...but, then factor in that there are two small (and one big brother here with us part time) and maybe it will be.

I suppose I still have time to think on it. I do think on this-whatever juncture we have found ourselves at during Ever's last 2+ years, I have used equal measures of planning and spontaneity tempered with pure instinct (and a good deal of divine intervention). I appreciate advice (about 30% of the time), but ultimately I am her mama and I do know best without a doubt.

I look to that when I wonder what to do with another child. I will love, I will listen (God does need us to meet halfway), and my heart will grow even bigger than I could ever expect.

(And that laundry basket is going to be used even more than it already is.)

Sugar and Spice

2011-06-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the last couple of weeks a very subtle transition occurred. Bit by bit, my baby has become an almost big little girl.
We went on a family road trip-I was nerve wracked about her routine and how she (and we) would do without it. She did fabulously-slept in beds (with foam or rolled towel bumpers), napped whenever (or almost not at all), and ate her food ( a miracle, actually-the last few months of medical attention warranted by her small stature can attest to that).
Now that we're home-she is still eating, has transitioned into her toddler bed, and is having conversations with me. "Let's go, Ever-let's get in the car." "I'm coming, Mommy."
Amazing, that's what it is. As much as I dreaded this time in her development, because it would mean that I'm losing her babyhood, I'm so filled with joy seeing her moments of shining pride in her new abilities that any dread is eclipsed in that light. I love that she is finally able to communicate with me all the thoughts that are floating around in that amazing mind of hers. I've become closer with her-more like we're hanging out with each other. Of course, this is accompanied by disagreements and moments of fierce love-but I am basking in it.
Thinking about her yesterday, I became aware that in her case, the spice that makes her girly sugar and spiciness is definitely cayenne...but, then-what should I have expected after years of putting crushed red pepper on practically anything edible! She is a fierce little sprite-may I always give her enough room to cultivate the independence glimmering on the surface of her developing sense of self.

Tumultuous Twos

2011-03-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

Two year olds...
Still small enough and adorable enough to incite a strong desire to kiss their messy haired sweaty little heads whilst holding them tight as can be...
Yet...old enough, determined enough, and physically capable of doing things which also make you want to drink by 3 in the afternoon...
Yep. I think that about sums it up.

If you're having a really rough day with your little one, hold out-they usually alternate the halos and the horns, mama (or daddy)!

I think it's all about communication-they seem to understand us-yet they are still very confused about much of what we say or what is going on around them. Then, add to that the very important developing sense of self and of boundaries (which are begging to be pushed) and you have the two year old dilemma.

I am practicing being completely specific and mind numbingly repetitive. The trouble is that when the mind is spread in the many different directions necessary to prepare food, watch baby, answer phone calls, remove child from various situations she gets herself into that end with the words, "Uh-oh, I'm stuck!", etc...the specificities poof right out of the head.

This is when it's a good idea to breathe-maybe with eyes closed, maybe not-and realize that this is just today. I am not and never will be perfect. My child doesn't require perfection-she needs to see my response to the unexpected and she needs to know that changes in her mood, my mood, or our environment will not alter how loved she is.

Usually, I can get out of the beginnings of a chaotic outlook by sitting down at her level and doing something to make her giggle-which makes her compliant enough to let me hold her-which allows me to inhale her sweet little smell (her special smell is kind of like bread being baked)-which reminds me of countless other moments that have linked together to make our bond-which ends with me feeling kind of giddy, more together, and aware.

When this time has passed, she'll be speaking clearly and will no longer have the kitty dishes I so love (a friend calls them that-the little indentations on a babies hands over their knuckles-she said her mom was sad when she noticed the kitty dishes gone from her children-marking their passage out of babyhood). I will be willing to lose all the hair from an eyebrow (or worse) just to spend a few moments with two year old Ever...and with any luck, the smell of fresh baking bread will give me the shadow of one such time that I stopped, held her, and breathed.

Everlyse Turns Two

2011-02-25T13:16:00.000-08:00

My hubby put this video together, sweet man. So quickly it all goes by...

Everlyse Turns Two

Now Leaving (Your) Comfort Zone...

2011-02-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

Eric, in true Eric fashion...made me get out of the house and into the city earlier this week. I used to LOVE doing so-in fact, I would leave Newark (where I taught) after school, drive to the train station, and go in to meet him and his work buddies for soccer games (followed by beer) as well as attend church there at my favorite place of worship thus far on the east coast, All Angels.

However, I have since lost that feeling of wanting to go all the time-true, we live an hour away rather than the half hour of yesteryear-but that is not what drives my lackluster response to proposed forays into the city. I'm not sure I can JUST blame it on motherhood, but something has really shifted for me. It's as if all the little ways I used to try to find at least some structure in my day in order for things to go smoothly has completely taken over my life...so much so that anything that would push me outside of that brings on anxiety.

The day I was supposed to head in arrived and it was not a very good day to begin with-I have been having a recurring allergic response to something which prevents me from wearing my beloved eyeliner and I went to see a dermatologist about it. She promptly prescribed a $390 cream which with our current insurance I get at the bargain price of $190. Yes, seriously. I did not buy said cream-treating it with emu oil and not wearing my usual stuff seems to be working nicely, thank you. After that-it was a rush to get Ever fed and napped followed by another rush to make our house look a little bit presentable for grandma-who was so generously staying over to babysit. Somewhere in the midst of this it hit, the anxiety headache that ALWAYS seems to strike when I have to leave her and go anywhere further than a half hour away. It freaks me out-no matter how much I trust she will be okay and is in great hands-the headache arrives. Arrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Anyhow-after all of the anxiety and rushing-I finally left-proceeded to miss my train, and drove in. It ended up being a great night. We hung out in this relaxed almost divey bar with pool tables, ping-pong, chess, and a Five Guys (delicious burgers) on the corner we ordered take out from (this bar lets you bring in your own food, awww yeah). One of my besties showed up-chola code name, Chygirl-and we drank (Not too much-I had to drive home, remember?), chatted, and shushed each other when our favorite song sections came on-the second place we went to played In Rainbows in it's entirety....nice!! Add to that: Having a night out with my man, laughing with friends, and just doing something we hadn't done in a really lo-ho-hoong time..

Upon picking up the car, I found out it only cost $12 to park there for nights-I couldn't believe it-$12 to park a car in Manhattan overnight anytime after 4 p.m. Yup-everything turned out fine, well worth the headache.

So, mommies-if you are like me and a little resistant to your man's efforts to do something outside of your comfort zone, give it a chance! The little bit of stress involved in doing it will be rewarded in the moments of just feeling like YOU again. Not mommy you, wife you, work you-just the woman inside of all of these definitions-when you get back home you will feel renewed and will also have a healthy sense of priority. How important is it to have a super-clean organized home when you don't take time to enjoy the people living in it? (That includes you, mama.)

Wait and See

2011-02-08T20:44:00.000-08:00

I learned something today. Before I say no to something, it's best to see just what my little one has in mind. This morning while getting breakfast together she requested the ice cream scooper. She likes to drum with it, so I handed it to her. Sure enough, after sitting her in the high chair, she began to drum with it. Then, I put down her bowl of oatmeal/applesauce that I usually give her. She proceeded to eat with the ice cream scoop. I switched it with her spoon and let me know just what she thought of that with a procession of howls and swats aimed at retrieving said scooper.

So, I gave it back and watched. That little booger ate her breakfast with it and did a fantastic job of it, too. So-as long as it's not dangerous or rude in some way, I have decided to watch and wait when she uses all (almost) 2 years of the wisdom garnered in her life to try something new.

Eyes of Truth

2011-01-14T12:04:00.000-08:00

Today while practicing yoga I realized something that is usually an underlying awareness as I practice. I regard my body differently as a result of yoga and where it led me.

Pre-yoga (began to practice in 1995 as a supplement to ballet, but began daily practice in 1998 after I had stopped dancing) my body was something that represented me physically to the world-it held clothes that told others about me and of course I compared it to the bodies of others ruthlessly.

When I began a daily practice of yoga, something started to shift in my mind and it changed the way my eyes looked upon my body. I was no longer detached from it-it became a vehicle for me to literally become a prayer-it led me into silence, peace, and stillness. It was beautiful regardless of shape or appearance, I was in awe of it.

Today, as I sat in pigeon pose-breathing-a soft focus gaze on my inner right foot-I had a knowledge that my foot and everything attached to it was sacred, beautiful, and almost entirely responsible for the state of love and grace I found myself in. I say almost because I credit God for that state, at the time I began getting acquainted with yoga, I was not open to Christianity. He knew me well enough to understand that if I would just have a little time each day to shut my mouth and see myself through His eyes, I would open up. Of course, that's exactly what happened.

I guess what this all means is that God finds you where you are and He loves you where you are. Receiving that love and recognizing yourself as lovable is damn near impossible for people...but, it is possible.

The Female Form As Force of Nature

2010-12-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

Lately I've begun formulating new thought processes regarding my body. I've been very fortunate in that I take after my mother physically. We can gain weight very quickly but we can also lose it just as quickly. The main difference is that she was done having kids before I had my first. Baby making mid thirties poses new challenges if you are expecting to go back to the body you had before.

After almost two years since I had my baby, my body has not returned to the way it was. I don't think it ever will. I haven't given up and I will continue my practice of yoga (which is about so much more than my appearance) and am doing specific abdominal work (learned while becoming certified for postnatal yoga instruction). The point is finding the place of balance. I want to be healthy and I want to continue doing things that make me healthy but I also want to let go of the part of me who longs for what once was. I carried a human being in my body for nine months and then nursed her for 18 more. Not to mention that without there even being a baby in the mix, hitting your middle thirties changes things-big time. I know women who have babies and then look as if it never happened, I have to admit that I envy them-and I have to point out that this baby making stuff (usually) happened in their twenties.

I keep looking at the clothes I used to wear and how they made me feel that I was able to communicate something about myself to the rest of the world simply by wearing them. Many of them look silly on me now and although I never would have thought myself to be "skinny" before, I now look like a grown woman trying on kids clothes. Finding things that flatter a more curvy figure and still communicate "me" is at best, difficult. It is making me question who it is that I think I am, in fact, and the answer is not easily reached.

The new process I'm working on goes something like this....view your body as the result of what it has done and is capable of. I grew an entire person inside of me and provided everything she needed for survival once she emerged from my womb. I was careful with body products used, food eaten, air breathed, etc. Now, my midsection is different from the one I was so accustomed to...and it should be. Something happened there that is happening each day to women all over the world-a quiet force of nature taking over their bodies, their thoughts, and their emotions. All for the insane privilege of bringing their little one into the universe...

I also carry her with this body, care for her, and make our house into a home. I make my husband very happy with it, too and I have to say that he has told me he enjoys the more curvy frame I now sport.

What do I do for myself with it? While practicing yoga I am able to create more energy or subdue it and always am able to transition from mere movement to a place of worship wherein I thank my creator for this healthy body and for the lifelong joy I have found in simply moving it. Which brings me to dancing-dancing is my natural element, it seems...music brings out the fiercest desire in me to translate with my body what I'm hearing and what it's doing to me. I have always thought it would be so amazing to be able to sing (which I can't-it's quite dreadful when I do), but if I were to have to choose, I could not imagine a life without dance. I also have girlfriends who I have grown exponentially closer with because we share a love of tearing up a dance floor with each other.

I have to keep catching myself in the middle of dissatisfaction and remind myself that I'm dissatisfied because I only see my body through the eyes of comparison. I compare it to the bodies of other women and I compare it to my own past body. I am going to rewire my brain and maybe it won't ever be 100%, but I will start viewing it as the sacred place of creation, love, and art that it is.

I will be gentle with myself. A lovely friend gave me a refrigerator magnet last year reading, "Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the moon and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul." I will not harm myself through thoughts that bring me down but will love myself and be grateful for this gift that I have.

Yes, body-you are not as tight as you used to be, but you are strong, nurturing, capable, sensual, musically inclined, and bring me closer to God. For all of these reasons, and more, I thank you.

Poo-Poo Yogabutt

2010-12-01T09:18:00.000-08:00

Today while practicing yoga (as usual, via Fit TV on dvr), I was ready to get into a decent relaxation at savasana time. Usually I press stop on the dvr and take a regular 5+ minutes to do so. I think I should preface this by saying that I have taken to practicing while Ever is up rather than her nap time like I did before. It's just more beneficial for me to do it earlier in the day.

Mental picture: Me, eyes closed, palms up, laying flat, relaxed, breathing....ahhhhhh...then sudden pressure on my collarbone almost simultaneously accompanied by a puff of poopie diaper air shooting up my nostrils on an inhale. Eyes open, and there is a little stinky butt right in front of my face that rotates quickly and turns into a pair of happy little aquamarine eyes and a roughly placed sandcastle mold of Mount Rushmore right on my face and the word "pet-ty" (pretty).

Yes, that is my savasana-she made me laugh so hard (ok, a little painfully with that toy shoved into my nose). I kissed her little face all over, scooped her up, and hurried upstairs to work my poopie butt magic.

Baby Picks Nasty Jar Meat Over Yummy French Toast-What's This World Coming To?

2010-11-12T17:01:00.000-08:00

I just fed Ever for the fourth time today. She is now in a phase that is exquisitely frustrating for me. She will sit in front of her food for an hour without eating it. Not because she doesn't want it, it's because she would like for me to sit in front of her and feed her, bite by very
slow
solid food eating
bite.

This came after this afternoon's self congratulatory pat at my mommy genius/productivity. Today we went to 2 mommy play groups-the morning group was play time/learning activities and the afternoon group was a totally fun music/dance class mommy group. I was feeling so satisfied with myself, by the way. What is it about doing this stuff that makes me feel like I'm such a great mom as opposed to when I don't do this stuff? Maybe it just lifts my mood-getting out and talking to some grown ups, going down the slide with her, shaking kiddy maracas while jumping around like a kookaburra Carmen Miranda...which in turn makes me feel like a better mom. I guess I just answered my own question.

Add to that: when she woke from her nap, rather than jumping into our evening routine in the usual frenetically tired way I typically do, I sat down with her in her room and played quietly with her, read with her, and cuddled her. During this time I planned exactly what to do when I got downstairs-her linner (lunch/dinner, in case you think it's a type-o), my linner, and also dinner.

Sooooo...after my faboo idea of making french toast for her, I came down and made some very yummy food. I know, because I ate a slice and thought to myself, "Dang, this is good." Ever had hers served with a little dipping dish of yogurt. She quickly turned herself into yogurt Santa Claus and then proceeded to sit there with her untouched french toast for
a
very
long
time.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhh!! She didn't even want a bite of it if I fed it to her slowly.

So, I busted out the Gerber that I keep on hand for these occasions. I just feel like she SHOULD be eating only solid food made by me-because there are tons of moms out there who are either lying about it or really giving their kids fresh food for almost every meal. I had to breathe more shallowly while giving her that funky meat from the jar while pondering how she could eschew the french toast in favor of this stuff....?!?!?!?

Sigh.

I'm sure this is not the most exciting thing anyone has read today-it's more of a venting post than anything else. Feel free to charge me for any precious minutes of your life I may have wasted with my mama laments or share your own via comments. Not sure how I'd pay up should you choose to charge-hopefully you like french toast.

Besos!

You Know How Ridiculously Much You Love Them When...

2010-11-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

They come at you with a cold and give you a slimy boogie kiss right on the mouth and then scamper off leaving you giggling and trying to wipe it off.

Especially if you're normally a germaphobe who hates to be sick such as myself under normal circumstances.

But, being a mama who is head over heels for your little one is anything but normal-and blissfully so, I might add.

Highly Recommended Beauty Stuff

2010-10-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I am just going to highly recommend a couple of beauty items I cannot live without.

This does not settle, cake, or smear...in other words, it doesn't make you look good for 10 minutes only to make you look horrible for the rest of the day.

This mascara does actually give straighter lashes more curl. I still use my curler, but this mascara does not let them falter once curled. **The regular one is okay, but the waterproof is the one that I LOVE**

Shu Uemura, eat your heart out. This curler is great for not pulling out lashes, gives a natural curl and can also give a more dramatic curl (depending on how it's used), and comes with the lovely bonus of being produced by Japonesque. I love this company and have loyally used only their eyelash curlers since 1996.

All you have to do for refills is visit their site, select the item needing refills, and they will send you free refills for the LIFE OF THE CURLER!! No, I'm not joking. Buy it.

Japonesque Curler Refill Program

More to come later...

Blah Blah Blah, Whine Whine Whine

2010-10-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

Watching Julie & Julia-getting blogspiration...had an alarmingly unproductive day today.
Yesterday's toys on the ground...
Yesterday's dishes in the machine...

I think you get the picture...

I happened to tune in just when author Julie Powell played by Amy Adams is convinced she has no readers, asks if anyone is reading, and then gets a comment from her mother asking her why she's doing it because clearly no one is reading.

I know there must be readers, many of my lovely FB friends are followers...and I blog for myself as much as for it to be read.

Well, that's about it for this whiny post.

Open Hand, Full Spirit

2010-10-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

Making time to separate from my daily routine is the crushed red pepper in the plate of my life. For me, crushed red pepper makes almost anything edible better and more enjoyable.

On Sunday we spent the afternoon being totally lazy at the beach. There is no better time to go than a mild early autumn day. We ran on the shore, Jabez and Eric jumped from giant rock to giant rock, and we searched for beautiful shells/stones.

While searching, time seemed suspended. We were laying in a belt of these pebbles, shells, and stones-which were smoothed and softened by the water. Everlyse was completely consumed by this-she came to me to drop different treasures she had found into my palm with utter pride and excitement. Jay proved himself to have an unfailing ability to locate the most exquisite finds with his budding artist's eye, as well. Eric and I just absorbed it, enjoyed it, and were fed spiritually by it. From time to time Everlyse would pop her face right in front of mine, say something I would have given my left eye to understand in her sing-song voice filled with happiness, and get back to work. It was like taking a deep breath of life giving oxygen that went right to my soul.

Today, we hit the playground, Everlyse and I. She practiced all of her newfound skills and had a great time. Before heading home, I scooped her up onto my lap and got on the swings with her. I made up a song about us sitting on the swing and she just melted into me. The warm autumn air picked up her random curls and her sweet baby smell filled me up. I cried right there, so happy to have stopped just long enough to receive this gift.

I often feel that I don't spend enough time in prayer...but it is at times like this that I understand my very life is a prayer. Being still and opening my hand in quiet expectation guarantees that God will fill it with a miracle.

Who Needs Date Night When There's Lazy Saturday?

2010-10-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

Best Saturday in a loooooooooooooong time. Nothing planned to go and do, so we woke up late (Ever was even in on it, apparently-she slept until after 10:30-and Jay was up but totally covert ops about it), ate pancakes/eggs/sausage, and listened to The Perishers station on Pandora (The Perishers being on my top 5, maybe even top 3 list of artists).

While listening, Gravity played (by Embrace), one of the songs from our wedding slideshow-to be posted soon. I asked Eric to dance and we did-with Everlyse wandering over trying to feed us a cheerio she found under the table, with toys all over the floor, still unshowered-he in flannel pants and me in an old flannel shirt. Of course, we both turned into a couple of crying fools over how perfect it all can be sometimes. We don't get many date nights, but times like these are worth so much more.

Embrace-Gravity-BBC

She Laughs at the Days To Come

2010-10-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come.

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel. Prov 31:26

Deep sigh as I read this verse. So many women I know are clothed with strength and with dignity, open their mouths in wisdom, and upon their tongues rests kindly counsel. Definitely not enough to make up for the dire shortage of such women in the world, however.

I'm sure the first thing to come to people's minds is "What about men?" True, there are many shortages in the department of men. But, as my refrigerator magnet quotes-"Be the change you wish to see in the world." Ghandi so wisely pointed out that nothing changes if it doesn't begin with the self. How you begin the journey is up to you and personal, but the desire and the openness needs to begin inside.

Clothed with strength and dignity...strength is a tough one for womanhood, isn't it? We are fickle creatures filled with doubt and sadly a vast capacity for envy. This combination is what leads us in fruitless circles trying to be the MOST beautiful, interesting, enviable, attended to, etc. etc. We do things to hurt other women in order to feed this hunger. Stealing a mate from another woman, for instance. If that woman happens to be beautiful, interesting, entertaining, etc...then SO much the better! This proves that one is even more so-doesn't it?!?!

Sadly, it does not. It does prove that one is a desperate, pathetic, sad little creature who is weak. Quite the opposite, in fact, of being clothed with strength.

Which brings us to the latter trait of good character, dignity. Oh the shamelessness that abounds and is even celebrated. One could say "nowadays," but it is not so-it has always been. Although, it's become so much worse. I remember what it felt like to be cast aside as a teenager by a boy who had previously been so interested in me for another who-well-someone who would meet his physical needs. This has happened to most women, perhaps at a different age or in a different context. Another female who is willing to trade or degrade herself for attention somehow manages to get the attention of someone who should be able to see you for the miraculous creation you are, the treasure worth seeking. But, no. He does not want to seek any hidden treasures...no matter how worthy the jewels are. He'd rather pick up the plastic shiny thing right at his feet than do anything more challenging. The sad thing is that he is unaware of what he is missing and thinks he's made the most fulfilling choice.

There are also men who really want to find a woman who will bring them to the next level-make them a better version of themselves and bring them closer to God. These men very quickly recognize a woman with dignity and as soon as they find her, they snag her for themselves. It might not be the easiest thing in the world for them to do so, but they do it, and they never regret it.

How does a woman "laugh at the days to come"? No, it's not foolish laughter, I'm sure. It's the laughter that comes with knowing. The knowledge that you have withstood what would have taken down so many others, the knowledge that you have not sold yourself out for selfish and maybe desperate reasons. The knowledge that God is faithful and perfect-this specific knowledge can eradicate so much of the doubt and anger that pushes us to make decisions that eat away at our beauty, like rust. When we don't know why something happened, or when something we want to happen will happen, or why someone we know/trust has failed, or why we fail ourselves-that is the time to take shelter in the knowledge that God is perfect in His faithfulness. Nobody else is, but He is...and resting in that will bring laughter and confidence about what is to come, even if that laughter is mixed with tears.

If only I could open my mouth in wisdom more often...sometimes I know it's not so. I give it a shot, though. I really do. Sure, I can complain with the best of them and for those who've been in a car with me during a frustrating drive, they know that I most certainly do not always open my mouth in wisdom...but, I intend to. Through years of practicing this one, I have learned that being quiet is many times more effective than speaking. If someone is trying to take from you and you remain quiet, you're not giving them anything. Even better, if there are witnesses-it makes that person seem witless. If I have brought something up at least once or twice and am against a wall, I don't give up-but I do stop speaking to the person about it. I take it up with God. Some new insight will always come of those conversations along with much needed patience.

Before we speak, it's so important to think first about WHERE these thoughts/ideas originate. We need to take ownership of every single thought that flies through our brains. Destructive thoughts lead us on a path away from creation and away from life. They lead us to death-we die to who we are and to our reason for being born. Take hold of your thoughts and reject what destroys your well being and your capacity for love-love for yourself, love for others, and most importantly-ability to receive love from God. Without being able to receive, you will run out of love the way a car runs out of gas. God's love comes directly and indirectly, through him and through others. Keeping your thoughts true will color what you say and how you say it.

Kindly counsel, giving words that are a balm over a wound, is a tricky practice. In yogic teaching, there are the life principles called Yama and Niyamas. The first two Yamas are Non-Violence (Ahimsa) and Truthfulness (Satya). One of the most interesting classes I took while studying to become a yoga teacher involved a discussion of how one could practice both at once. Sometimes telling the truth causes pain to another. So, should a person avoid the truth in order to practice non-violence? I have struggled with this myself. For me, the answer I have found is that it's very much in the timing and in the receptiveness of the receiver. If there is something possibly painful to discuss and you have been asked for advice (receptiveness), proceed with prayer. Ask God to make that person's heart soft, and then wait. The time for the needed message will arrive and it will likely be very obvious to you that the time is right. If it's not asked for and it's someone you need to speak with, again-begin with prayer, then wait.

There is not enough truth telling amongst friendships between women. We don't want to aggravate a situation or possibly lose a friend. It's not helpful in the long term, however to try to distract a person from what is happening. If you have no prompt towards helping with kind words of wisdom, don't say anything. Let it lie where it is. I have been hurt and know so many others who have been hurt when someone who means well gives unsolicited advice too rashly or else compares it to themselves. This makes a person feel as if you're judging and comparing, and in that comparison, have decided that you are clearly superior for having done it better.

I know that women aren't out in the world deliberately trying to cause all the drama we do. Most women, anyhow. It's the result of damage, of confusion, of sadness-really, too much of anything negative weakens us. But, we can be an example that disproves the image of happiness sold by film/magazines/our own selves. If we move through this world in grace and dignity, if we speak wisely, and if (most importantly) we do this out of love it will send out a tiny, perfect, and powerful ripple into our world.

Wind Shadows

2010-10-15T07:46:00.001-07:00

Amazing discovery-while playing with Ever in her room today, I noticed that the air blowing about outside her window was casting faint shadows over the sunlit carpet. It left me feeling a little bit awestruck, I suppose it's the St. Francis in me that falls most in love with God through His creation.

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Almost Heaven

2010-10-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

The conundrum of my daily life...when Everlyse brings me the greatest joys, it is inevitably accompanied by pain of equal measure. Never does my family feel as far away as they do when I want their witness to our little one.

Part of it comes from my own joy in sharing her The other part comes from the joy I know they get from even the smallest moments with her.

As I write this, she is pointing to a picture of me together with my parents, brother, and sister while saying her names for them. Once again she has me smiling through my own tears.

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Mommy with a Passion

2010-10-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

Motherhood...the movie. I don't know why this film only got 2 stars except that it was likely reviewed by people who had not experienced motherhood in a similar way. Uma is great playing the kind of role I LOVE her in-quirky/awkward/still undeniably gorgeous underneath it all, albeit quietly so.

I don't have the same exact daily struggle that her character (Eliza) does. I do relate to the sense of loss tempered with the love for her family that she is experiencing.

There is a line in the movie in which Eliza (having nearly experienced a breakdown/meltdown) is discussing her state with her husband (after he added to her aggravation by reading and making "suggestions" to a piece of her writing in a very insensitive manner). She says that the daily "concrete and specific tasks" she performs as a mother make it nearly impossible to have or experience a life with passion.

I had never heard it put into words before...this tugging I feel within that tells me something is being lost. It's myself...and I don't mean to say that it's a bad idea to become a mother or to take it a step further and decide to raise your child yourself and put your career on hold. I do have some days when it feels as if the daily routine of feed/clean/feed/clean/feed/clean has worn down at me to the point of having little excitement about much of anything.

Daily, while Ever naps, I make a choice. I can either write or get some exercise. It's a tough choice for me...I want to get rid of my baby gut, but I feel at least a little bit accomplished when I write. It would be great if I could do both each day and maybe I'll figure it out sometime.

The most helpful thing for me is to revisit myself a few years ago. I wanted this and was terrified of wanting this all at once. Eric was nowhere in sight and I honestly don't think I could have invented a person who would love me the way that he does. He loves being a husband and a father. He honors our marriage and our family in each of his choices and I cannot help but do the same for him.

Now, I am a mother to our daughter and to Eric's nine year old son and all of the ways I feel gifted at leading and teaching are put to the test daily in the smallest ways....such as feeding and cleaning. I remember this as I become aggravated and I put my gratitude and love behind these seemingly insignificant mommy tasks.

I think of my own mother and how it felt to come home after school and to smell the sopa de arroz outside the door before I even got in. It felt like heaven. To this day when I'm making it, I'm tempted to run outside and stand in front of my house in hopes of feeling that again. If safe had a smell, it was that. Sopa de arroz wafting outside my parents house on an autumn day....

I think of this and I remind myself daily that one day Ever and Jay will be parents, what they see, hear, taste, and smell now will influence them for a lifetime. Their ideas of safe and of home are being formed subconsciously in the smallest ways. I am part of that, and all of these small things gather into something substantial and valuable.