Wife [Widow] of a Wounded Marine

Hello, Hello

2013-04-03T22:02:00.003-05:00

I have been a terrible blogger and I apologize for this. I have been writing, though. I promise. In fact, I've been writing a lot. So much so that I simply do not have time to blog like I used to. It's a good thing.

Everything is still going well. I'm ready for this semester to be over. I'm starting to feel a little burnt out. Spring is in the air and the 80 degree weather is demanding my attention. It's not my fault. It's Mother Nature. She's very pushy.

I feel terrible. I'm not sure what to write about. I will say that I've been working on my memoir as much as I can. This summer I plan to bust out a large chunk. I've learned so much this semester about memoir writing. I've got a much better grasp of what it's going to take than I did before taking this class. I'm excited to put all my effort into it. Even if it's never published, it will be cool to have it finished for me.

And let me just say, writing about your own life is no joke. I'm going to be admitting and talking about things that I definitely do not talk about in this blog. It's terrifying to literally be an open book. In the same breath, it might be liberating to just get it all out there. The finished product will be interesting to say the least.

What else, what else.

I dunno. I'm just happy where I'm at right now. Things are easy breezy. Nothing crazy to report which is a beautiful thing. I'm healthy, happy, and moving forward.

Can I get a low five? Oooh yeah.

Well, hello 2013

2013-01-01T21:05:00.000-06:00

So, 2012 was one of the best years of my entire life. Nothing and no one blew up, fell apart, or died. I've made a ton of badass friends. I accomplished my top two goals - losing weight and going to college. I traveled. I beach bummed it out. I partied. I laughed. I loved.

I found my passion to live again. I found me; arguably something I had never actually had before.

As I told my mother how great my year was earlier today, I teared up a little. It feels really nice to say that.

For 2013 I don't have a laundry list of resolutions. All I want is to maintain the amazing things in my life and continue being happy.

And that...was the best thing about 2012. I'm finally just happy.

Here are some pictures from New Years Eve. I had a blast with the people that got me to my happy place.

Nick

Kelly

Amber and Me

Nick and Me

Amber, Me, Mindy

Cheers to a new year!

American Widow Project - Austin, TX 2013

2012-12-18T18:32:00.001-06:00

As I write this, I have this song stuck in my head:

Don't worry, I'll explain.

Have you ever done something on a whim knowing that you didn't have the time, but once you were there it hit you that you were supposed to be there - screw the other responsibilities?

Yeah. That sums the weekend up nicely.

Here's the dealio. When I attended my first AWP event back in 2010, I was shy, awkward, weird, scared, nervous, and every other sad word imaginable. I felt bad the entire time because I wasn't myself and I was afraid that, as a result, I wouldn't get everything I could be getting out of the experience. In the end, what I ultimately gained were two local widows who turned out to be very important friends; widows that have helped to flip every single one of those negative words around.

Fast-forward to this weekend. I was fairly nervous, mostly because I didn't want to be the same way I was on the last trip. I wanted to be open - be myself. I'll never forget walking into the airport sports bar in Austin. Another widow and I had gotten in earlier than the rest of the gang so we decided to meet up and hangout until our ride came. I didn't know who I was looking for so I texted her with a grin on my face knowing she would either laugh or think I was a weirdo, "Is it awkward if I ask you what you're wearing?" All of a sudden I hear a voice coming from the far corner of the bar, "I'm right here, Karie." We cracked up, introduced ourselves, and quickly became comfortable in our bond of both being widows.

We stayed in a large house on a small hill that had a beautiful view of Austin. I didn't get to see much of the city; we were too busy doing awesome widow things at the house. I was okay with this.

Throughout my time there I quickly realized how much I've changed in the last two years. I mean, I've noticed things here and there, but I'd never heard someone verbalize it or physically noticed myself being different. I believe because I was so awkward at the first event I went to, it just made it that much more apparent how much better I was doing at the second one.

And then this happened: When asked what I was naturally good at, I was stumped. I feel that everything I am good at now took work - I wasn't necessarily born with anything awesome. Then, one of the girls said to me, "Well, I think you're naturally good at talking to new people and making them feel comfortable."

Okay. This may seem small to the average person, but to me this is a HUGE deal. I've never been good at that - and I told her that. Then she said something along the lines of, "I think it was always there, you just had to find it."

I've never thought of things that way. It seems fairly obvious, but when she said that, something clicked with me. For one, I have been working on being more personable and just being myself around new people and apparently it worked (Yessss!) It feels good to not be the utterly sad wallflower for once. Even more, the thought that I've always been that person and just needed to cultivate it is pretty cool. Maybe there is a lot to me that I don't realize. It's fun finding new layers to myself and realizing I'm much more awesome than I ever gave myself credit for.

I also realized on the trip that I second guess my intelligence a lot. One of the girls is a Yale graduate which did two things: 1) It made my scholarly balls shrink as I admitted I go to a school in Alabammy, and 2) it made me realize that people at Ivy league schools aren't a myth - they are real people. All of us talked a lot about goals and passions and such and I regularly brought up education. It's apparently very important to me. I realized that I am very serious about looking into getting a PHD, and I realized I am capable of doing that if I just put the effort in. Then I came home to a week of finals. Then I got my grades for the semester - all A's baby.

One day I will come back to this blog as Dr. Fugett and laugh my ass off at this post. It will be a glorious day.

Now that you know the sappy emotional stuff, I must list some of the activities that took place:

1.) I ate at a food trailer. I'm convinced that food served in cone form tastes better.
2.) I made a flower bouquet at a flower shop! It's much more difficult than you would think, but I think mine turned out lovely.
3.) I learned a new line dance (refer to music video above.)
4.) I got to pick people's brains about non-profit start-up.
5.) I made a fancy shmancy dinner with the ladies.
6.) We had a chef come in and cook for us.
7.) I know there is more but I have a perma-brainfart. I apologize.

My weekend with AWP was fantastic. I learned a lot about myself and I walked away with a handful of quality new friends. I miss them a lot, actually. That is the only downside of the weekends - having to leave.

My life would be so much different without my AWP and the beautifully awesometastic Taryn Davis. I wouldn't know all of the girls I've become so close to who have helped me not only survive but flourish. It's hard to put into words what the organization means to me. I can't wait to go again.

All the lovely ladies on the first day.

My bouquet!

My room for the weekend.

Coned food.

All of us with the chef.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya'll

2012-11-22T11:49:00.000-06:00

The holidays are always a little difficult without you know who, but I must say that I'm so thankful for the memories I have. In fact, that's what I'm most thankful for at this particular moment. Even when people are gone from this earth, they truly remain in the hearts and minds of those who loved them. Our ability to remember the past is a gift. I will never go without seeing his face as every detail is burned into my memory. I'm a lucky girl to have seen such a beautiful face and to have been loved by such a beautiful person. What is there not to be thankful for?

I hope your bellies are full and love and laughter is abundant.

Happy Thanksgiving

I. Love. Education.

2012-11-07T20:30:00.001-06:00

Next semester I have a memoir class on lock which is taught by a novelist who is currently working on her third book, a memoir. I will finally be forced to write (finish) it, as painful as it may be. I am also working on forming a directed study for myself where I will be compiling stories of veterans from Vietnam and World War II for a separate book.

So, basically, if I get the directed study on lock I will be working on two (TWO!) books next semester. Kind of intimidating, but I'm just going to treat them as if they are any other class - peck away at each one every week and hope that the end result is something legible.

I. Love. Education.

If I end up in school forever, do not be surprised. I've found my home.

Searching For Answers

2012-11-05T19:52:00.002-06:00

Don't freak out. I realize what I'm about to say is slightly off the wall, especially for some of you, but it is something I feel I need to do.

This is me needing answers and using last resorts to get them...

I think I'm going to speak with a medium soon. That and I may go to a past life regressionist.

I don't speak of my "beliefs" often, if I have ever. The truth is that I don't know what I believe. I used to think I knew, then I began questioning everything after Cleve was injured. After he died it was as if everything I had been taught was foreign to me. Two and Two did not equal four and I refuse to follow anything blindly. If it doesn't make sense to me, it isn't for me. So that was that.

Now, I suppose I'm looking for some truth. I want something that makes this universe make sense to me. Even if it's just a little bit of sense. Because, as of now, I'm leaning toward us all being a freak scientific accident - that our ultimate destiny is to be dust. The thing is, I don't want to believe that. There must be more. Surely there is a rhyme. There has to be a reason for all of this.

So, I'm going to explore other options. And I'm starting here. I've talked to a couple of widows now that have talked to mediums and have gotten amazing results. The closure and the answers they received - I want that. Maybe it's all fake - fine. But I have to try. I have to try to talk to him one more time. Just once. If you tell me there is any chance that is possible, you better be damn sure I'm going to take it.

As far as the past lives, it's just something I've pondered often since he died. There had to be more to us. There has to be more later. There has to be. If this life was it, then I will be glad to be dust. I do not need a "heaven" without him and according to the bible I was taught on, he did many things that wouldn't allow him into the gates. He didn't get a chance to fix those things. And that's bullshit. Our "actions" as imperfect human beings - something that, I'm sorry but, did we ask to be born? - does not justify to me a solid place in "hell". To be told that some are just lucky enough to live long enough to repent for their "sins" while others are taken suddenly with no more chance left, is - frankly - horse shit. I'd rather believe that, if we do have souls, our souls get to grow through time. And that those we lose, we see again. That we get second chances to make up for past mistakes.

So, I'm exploring it because... why not? I have nothing to lose except maybe the respect of my Christian family but that would only solidify my feelings on all of this. So. There.

Two other widows and I are going to be flying to Salem, MA in January to see another widow friend to do the medium thing. We were all randomly feeling we needed to do this last week without even knowing the others were feeling the same. That was really what did it for me. Yea, I also pay attention to "signs" now. Synchronicity, to me, is the universe letting me know I'm on the right path. So I'm just gonna keep on truckin'.

All of my Christian friends out there, if you are appalled by this post, it will be okay. Let's just put it this way. If there is a hell and hell is what I was taught growing up then that is very well where my husband is. If he is there, I can be there, too. Though, I just don't believe it anymore.

I can't.

I shall report back on all of the shenanigans as they ensue.

Endless Possibilities

2012-10-11T23:21:00.000-05:00

Lots and lots of decisions are having to be made. All awesome things. Nothing for the immediate, immediate future, but definitely for the next year. I can't help but reflect a little as all of these opportunities are being handed to me. Dare I go back and read an entry from three years ago? It's not even necessary. I know where I was and I've come a long way.

I have accomplished many of the things I once had little faith I would ever be capable of accomplishing. What I thought were my ultimate goals are turning out to only be hurdles in pursuit of bigger and better things. I can't say there are life altering events that are waiting for me necessarily, but there are possibilities that didn't exist before, and that's pretty cool if you ask me. My future is filled with endless opportunity now. Two years ago if you mentioned the word future I probably would have given you the middle finger. I saw black and only held on to goals because I had nothing else to hold on to. Now it's exciting to ponder all of the possibilities. And my goals aren't just something to desperately hold on to, but are a part of me now. I've proven to myself that not only can I do the things I wanted to do, but I can excel at them and do even more than I imagined. I am not as mediocre as I once thought I was.... damn it that feels good. I feel like I'm back. I have a few cuts and scrapes but they're healing and I'm ready to tackle life!

It's amazing how time transforms us - molds and manipulates us - sometimes for the better and sometimes worse. For so long I was scared that time was only going to be the death of me. Aging and death - that is what it meant to me and it was forever out to get me. But now I see that it's so much more. It's also healing and the possibility for second chances. It's new memories, new friends, and new love. I know now that, though I am still jam pack full of flaws and have a list of things I need to do that is a mile long, I have time to work on each one of those things. I've learned to enjoy my time while I have it and appreciate it by using it wisely. I suppose it's a glass half full kinda thing... it's much better than half empty, I promise you.

I haven't written a random, doesn't-really-make-any-sense journal post in a while. It feels good.

Here's to time! And the future! And to endless possibilities!

....and to sleep. GOOD-night!

Warrior Dash - Warrior, Alabama

2012-10-08T11:58:00.002-05:00

This weekend I went to yet another Warrior Dash and, as expected, had a blast. Here are some of the pictures I have so far. Professional ones taken throughout the course should be ready on the tenth.

After doing two of them I have decided that: A.) Some are better than others. Better obstacles. Better scenery. Better people. I must admit, the one in Georgia was my favorite so far. B.) Spring is a better time to go. The weather was PERFECT in May. It was FREEZING this time. It was fine during the race, but once things calmed down everyone was extremely cold. C.) No matter what the circumstances, they are always worth it. I totally recommend.

Brandon, Jenni, Me, and Nick.

Nick and Me

Jenni and Me.

"Dancing" (flailing) to stay warm.

Ah, Pictures

2012-10-04T21:57:00.001-05:00

Random pictorials of my random life because I am way too busy for blogging these days.

I shaved my dog to look like a lion. She appropriately found a hippo to chew on shortly after:

Learning some chords on Cleve's banjo:

Before and after of my weightloss = 40 lbs. Don't mind the funky dressing room picture. This was the moment I realized I am no longer "big boned". It needed to be documented:

Crappy/Cheesy back-to-school picture.

Me and the Cajun.

Back to homework I go.

My Life: Learn, Run, Grieve, Repeat

2012-09-23T15:14:00.003-05:00

Well, hello there. It's been a while.

I'm currently taking time away from football which is not acceptable, but with the wave of grief I'm riding, I felt it only appropriate to come to where the rest of my woes are documented. Misery loves company. I suppose it's true even if it's just the company of your own past misery.

Really, it's not that bad. As usual, things are just fine. I've just been overly aware of that hole in my chest for no apparent reason other than it was bound to show up again eventually. It's hidden from sight, yes, but it sure does like to make itself known. It hurts forcing smiles when my chest feels like it's caving in. Luckily, I've been able to hide behind my textbooks today. Though, those are proving to be even more draining. I decided I need two things. To write it out and to force myself into the sunshine. As soon as I'm done here, I'll work on the latter.

On a lighter note, the last few days aside, everything has been gravy. This semester of college has been wonderful. I'm still convinced I need to just be a student forever. I love learning. I am getting smarter by the day. It's made me realize that I truly was not using my little cranium to its full potential. I feel more accomplished and more comfortable than I have in... ever. I'm so glad I made the decision to do this. It's just right.

On another lighter note, I lost all of my "hospital weight", plus some. I've lost nearly forty pounds. I'm no teenager, but I feel great. Again, I feel comfortable. Finally. Running and being active in general has saved me in many ways. I grieve less, I'm more energetic, I'm happier, I'm more focused... I could go on. I should have been doing this all along. I truly feel my life would have been very different if I had. It's amazing how your physical health can effect every aspect of your life. I'm glad I can say I'm healthy again. It's one less thing for my warn out self to have to deal with.

In other random news:

I shaved my dog to look like a lion. She's the cutest cub in the world.

Nick and I are still trucking along.

I'm convinced the French language still hates me, but I believe our relationship is very close to making a breakthrough. I will conquer you!

I changed majors from Communications to English. I'm very excited about it.

I joined an Honor Society for freshman and sophomores. I figured it couldn't hurt to slap on a resume one day.

(...I apologize that most of what I have to talk about is school related. It's the majority of my life these days.)

My friend Andrew at Walking to Listen finally finished his journey! I'm so excited for him and proud of him and miss him often. When I asked him what he was going to do when he got home, he said he was going to have homemade popcorn with his mom.

I'm currently seeking someone who gives banjo lessons. I have yet to find this someone, but I'm convinced they exist. I will play banjo, dang it. I will.

I can't think of anything else even remotely interesting. I hope that this finds everyone well.

One Goal at a Time

2012-08-01T08:30:00.000-05:00

I just finished registering for my second semester in college. I start back on the 20th. I also recently surpassed my weightloss goal of 30 lbs and my goal of running a full 5k.

Working hard does pay off, my friends. I'm getting those life goals checked off one at a time. MEEP.

That is all. :-)

Balance

2012-07-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

I am experiencing this balance in my life that I've never experienced before. It's nice. I'm trying to enjoy it while I can knowing well that these things don't always last. I like to think of it as realistic rather than pessimistic. Sometimes realizing things can be taken away help us to appreciate what we have. Right now I have balance, and I appreciate it very, very much.

Some ways I believe I am achieving said "balance":

Deciding to be healthy. I work out five times a week. I listen to my body and do what is comfortable to me on that day. Sometimes I spin, sometimes I run, sometimes I do workouts while watching TV, sometimes I do yoga. Just depends on my mood. I also made the decision to be a vegetarian and have stuck to it. I don't miss meat at all anymore (well, sometimes when I see fried chicken it makes me want to cry a little, but it's not too bad).

Disposing of "unhealthy for me" people and surrounding myself with "healthy for me" people. In doing this I have made more close friends than I've ever had before. One good person leads to another good person and so on. I have a close-knit group of friends who I love dearly and have each helped make my life complete.

Putting more time and energy into my living, breathing boyfriend. Because he's the relationship that is able to give back to me now. I will always honor, love, respect, remember, and cherish my late husband, but I finally realized that Nick deserves all the same. I realized I have the capability of giving that to both of them. Aka - I'm more bad ass than I thought.

Staying off of the computer a little more. I admit, I am an internetaholic. Recently, however, my Internet has been a bit screwy so I've taken the time to just stay off of it - and it has been quite lovely, actually. I've had more time to do things like, I dunno, pay bills, hang out with people in real life, do chores, go to the beach, and just be in the world right in front of me - all that old-school stuff people used to do before computers.

Focusing on positive goals. I've finally come to terms with the fact that I do, in fact, have a future ahead of me, and I'm finally beginning to humor goals and dreams. Degrees. Traveling. Writing. Wandering. Adventuring. Loving. Laughing. I'm excited about it all.

The haze is lifting. This is not a dream, Karie, this is real life.

At the risk of jinxing myself - Life is good, right now. Life is good.

For giggles - three of my favorite people jamming to Purple Rain.

Kelly, Amber, Nick <3

Time to focus on "now"

2012-07-09T11:57:00.001-05:00

I have been stressed out and therefore have been avoiding my blog. I need to stop. I realized, though, that I needed some "me time". Everything has been very go-go-go and much of my time seems to be revolved around others, which is fine, but I began feeling burnt out. So I disappeared. I think I'm ready to come back now. While taking my small break, I think something clicked with me. I had been feeling so torn between my new and old life that I could feel myself breaking down under the pressure. In fact, I did have a bit of a breakdown. More than one, really. But then I realized, oddly enough for the first time, that Cleve truly is not here. All this time I've spent being afraid of hurting his feelings or not spending enough time focusing strictly on him is all just me and my own guilt - it's not reality. And because of thinking this way I have taken much of the attention that Nick deserves away from him in fear that by loving him too much or giving him too much I will be dishonoring my husband and not loving him enough. Because of my distance, Nick and I both have suffered in this relationship. I've made it so that we are doing nothing but running in circles. We've hit a brick wall and unless I take it down we'll be stuck here forever, or worse, I will lose him. And he knows what I've been doing. He feels it - hears it loud and clear. He had a breakdown the other night and said some things that he shouldn't have. I'm still a little upset, but my understanding side sees that that was just his way (poorly executed way - but I'll get over it ) of saying exactly what I just said above. He knows he has come second. He knows I gave my husband more than I've given him. And it hurts him because I am his everything. I am it. I am the love of his life.

How in hell is that fair? It's not. And he's a saint for dealing with it this long.

That being said, I think I've figured out how to compartmentalize my now and my then a little better. I'm just going to love Nick the way I loved Cleve. Do for Nick the things I regret not doing for Cleve. Hope that by honoring the love I have to give, I will be honoring him as well.

I can't go back. I cannot go back. He is not here. I've finally realized this.

I must move forward. I must focus on those that are alive now. I must focus on the options and the life that I have been given now.

I suppose I've entered another stage in my life. Maybe it's not a significant one from the outside perspective, but on the inside it is.

Happy Birthday To My Stink

2012-06-27T15:22:00.000-05:00

He would have been 28 today. This is his third birthday with no him. That thought freaks me out so I'm doing my best to ignore it. In celebration I'll be going to the restaurant we always went to for our birthdays with two of my favorite widows. Widows make everything better.

Happy Birthday, Stinkerton. You continue to be my rock. I love you.

On another note, I just got back from the longest trip ever. As soon as I have a minute to myself, I will tell you guys all about it. It was packed with fun times, new friends, old friends, and tons of widowy shenanigans. Kelly and I have decided that we truly do not understand why people let us hang out. It's dangerous - for us and for those around us. Secretly, though, we like it that way. There is definitely never a dull moment.

A couple of pictures until my next post:

Lauren getting a picture of her husband James at the White House. He had never been before.

Kelly trying on some fancy glasses.

Surely you didn't think you'd get away without a CamWow picture? Four widows. Left: Lauren, Top: Rachel, Right: Kelly, Bottom: Me. Very attractive, I know.

Kelly and Lauren.

I told you I was tall. Top: Lauren, Middle: Me, Bottom: Kelly.

Representing my state.

Summertime - And the livin's easy

2012-06-10T10:52:00.000-05:00

Nick's family has been in town for the last week so I'm in a Cajun, zydeco, gumbo, wine infused haze at the moment. It has also been pouring rain which keeps me rather comatose and unmotivated.
However, some cool things are happening in my little world. Even if they are very tiny cool things.

1.) Kelly and I are headed to DC to visit some of the wounded families in Bethesda. The plans are very relaxed at the moment. I'm hoping to get there and just kinda figure it out (which is always scary). We just want to do a little networking to figure out what the needs are these days, and maybe cater some yummy food to the hospital one day.

2.) Our project is close to being incorporated, then we will be working on non-profit status - though this process takes forever so we will probably just have to sell products to raise money at first. We're keeping this very easy breezy right now as we figure out the best way to help. What we do know is that widows will be giving back to the wounded community. We feel that both the widow and wounded communities could benefit greatly from each other and feel passionate about bridging the gap between them that is most definitely there.

If you'd like to follow us as we grow, here is our info:

Website: www.widowsforwarriors.org
Facebook: www.facebook.com/widowsforwarriors
Twitter: @widows4warriors

It's all a work in progress. Once we get the incorporation, we'll work on the logo and website. In the meantime, we'll keep everyone updated on all of this, related news, and any events we get ourselves into.

3.) Speaking of events, while we're in DC we are going to be attending the premiere of "Profiles in Service: It Takes a Nation", a documentary done by Code of Support. A friend is a big part of the organization and will be speaking. I'm pretty stoked to see her and meet new friends.

4.)I'm going to get to see a bunch of people that I haven't seen since the hospital days. It will be weird without Cleve, but I'm glad I will at least be doing it with another widow. Regardless, I'm just glad to see them!

5.) I just ordered a memorial bracelet for Cleve. For whatever reason I had a huge block with doing something like that (just me avoiding reality again), but I've really been wanting one recently and finally did it. I'm excited to show it off. I hope it gets here soon.

6.) I think I have one of those tan things. I have been at the beach more in the past couple of weeks than I had in the previous six years combined. Between my new found color and my weight loss, I think I'm turning into a woman again.

WHAAAAA?!!!

Okay...

I'm sure there is more, but I have managed to do nothing for over 24 hours now and really need to avoid making it 48. Because that's just embarrassing.

I shall leave you with these pictures from Cheryl's Vegas birthday, because I just realized I forgot to mention that trip. None of them turned out too well. Just pretend it's 2003.

Me and Cheryl at the Palazzo.

Me, Cheryl, Beth (her sister). We were very determined to all fit in the shoe. Success! (Cosmopolitan)

Admiring the chandelier bar with Cheryl's mom.

Kimery, Linda, Cheryl, Renee, Moi, Serena.

At Sushi Samba.

Pretty view from Cosmo.

Memorial Day - What it means.

2012-05-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

I didn't say anything on Memorial Day for two reasons:

1.) I had been flying all day.

2.) These holidays suck the life out of me. I just didn't have the energy to write anything.

On that note, I have a few things to say about yesterday.

I have a lot of Military people on my Facebook, which is awesome, but when military holidays come around it can be overwhelming. My newsfeed was flooded in red, white, and blue, names of fallen, and pictures of headstones. Every time I looked at it it took everything in me not to cry. Still, it makes me happy that people, most people, remember and know what the holiday is actually for.

Now, there is something that disturbed me a little and, really, has since last year. It seems to me that some people don't fully understand what Memorial Day is.

I started realizing last year when my friends and I went out and the place we went to was raising money for Wounded Warrior Project in honor of Memorial Day...

Does anyone else see the problem with this?

Lord knows I love all veterans, especially those who are wounded, but why would they be raising money for WWP on Memorial Day?

Also, I noticed a lot of people going out of their way to thank veterans for their service yesterday, which should be done every day and is cool, really, but Memorial Day isn't really for them. If you are wanting to go out of your way to thank someone, maybe rethink who you should be thanking. (Don't shoot me, just saying...)

For anyone who is unaware, Memorial Day is not for all veterans. That is what Veterans Day is for. Memorial Day is for those who have lost their lives. So when thanking people on Memorial Day, thank a widow, or a mother or father whose child died, or tell a veteran that you are thinking of their fallen friends - their brothers and sisters that are gone (on that day, I promise you they'll appreciate that more). Go to Arlington and lay flowers on the graves. Raise money for TAPS or AWP - organizations who help the families of the fallen. Remember the fallen that day, because the day is theirs. Please don't take it away from them.

I must throw this out there, too (I apologize ahead of time for a little rant.) There is nothing "happy" about the day, so to say "Happy Memorial Day!!" on your Facebook page is pretty offensive to the families. Sure it's a little touchy of us, but put yourself in our shoes. We don't expect you to say something spectacular about every man and woman who died, but to treat it as a fun holiday like Christmas or Halloween is just bothersome. While everyone else is saying, "HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY! HAPPY TO BE OFF WORK! HEADED TO THE BEACH!", we are holding back tears, flipping through pictures, and remembering our loved ones who were ripped away from us.This is a day of remembering and mourning for those of us who lost everything. Of course we go out and celebrate their lives, but to put a "Happy" in front of the day is inappropriate.

I say all of this not to be mean or offend anyone. I say it in hopes that people will be a little more sensitive to what the day really means for some. I also say it to make sure people know what Memorial Day stands for because it's important and, frankly, it's been annoying the crap out of me and the other widows. Don't downplay the day or take it away from those it is supposed to honor.

-Jimmy C. Kinsey II -

Born: June 27, 1984

Wounded in Ramadi, Iraq: April 1, 2006

Died: April 20, 2010

He was such a nerd. I miss that so much.

Warrior Dash 2012 - Mountain City, Georgia

2012-05-22T13:59:00.000-05:00

I am currently recovering from one of the best weekends ever. Before I show you our muddy gloriousness, I must recommend that if you've ever considered doing a Warrior Dash, you must. It is so much fun.

We began the weekend at Tallulah State Park which quickly became a bust. I admit, my friends and I can get rowdy. Especially when there is a large group of us. Even more especially when we are anticipating such an event. The last straw for us was when the state troopers informed us that we were no longer allowed to laugh. For us, you might as well have told us to quit breathing. We went to huddle house that morning to brainstorm how to get the heck out of the no laugh zone. After calling around to a few places that were already full of dashers, our waitress (who seriously deserves a hi five from all eight of us) told us about a spot further in the mountains. We went to check it out and, low and behold, there was a beautiful spot next to a babbling river complete with clusters of small, purple butterflies waiting to greet us. Not to mention the sweetest, kindest, friendliest locals willing to help us with anything we needed. They even chopped us some firewood free of charge.

SOLD!

Nichols Campground near Clayton, GA.

We rushed back to the other site and had our things packed in, I promise you, no more than fifteen minutes. The group split up - some to set up at the new site, and some to get supplies at Wal-Mart. When my group got back from Wal-Mart, our new campsite was up and ready to go. At this point I was exhausted. I cracked open a beer and plopped into a camp chair facing the winding river.

Heaven.

See that Bama chair? That would be me!

The girls were very excited about our new site! Kelly,

Me, Amber, and Mindy.

Kelly made a friend, his name is Frederick.

The next day was Warrior Dash. We decided to dress up as a cheesy dodgeball team. The girls made "jerseys" earlier in the week for everyone in our group. We hadn't seen everyone in their uniforms together until that morning. It was AWESOME. Cheesiest of cheese. I have some of the coolest friends, ever.

Everyone in their dodgeball uniforms. From the left: Tango (Me), Cajun, Ambre, Mayfield, Bui, Slim, Coach, and.... Poot.... Hahaha! (She was peer pressured into that one.)

The boys doing a manly pose with the owner of the campsite. She was so sweet.

After taking our before pictures, we all loaded into the back of Nick's truck and took off through the mountains for the dash. Before you actually get to the event you have to meet somewhere and shuttle over because there are so many people. We rode in a big yellow school bus to the site. When they first dropped us off it was hard to tell how this thing was going to be set up because we had to walk a good bit to get there. At first it didn't even seem like a mud run. Then I started spotting people covered head to toe in mud. This induced giddyness and mild flailing. We walked up the mountain a little further and sure enough we began to hear music echoing in the distance. Out of nowhere a valley appears between two mountains that is covered in people dressed like complete and utter fools. Full fledged flailing and giddyness ensued.

We had arrived!

Riding to the dash. I was obviously miserable.

As we walked in we saw people in every type of costume imaginable. Two men were dressed in suits, sunglasses, and briefcases. There was a rather large man wearing a pink bra and women's underwear over his shorts. I believe he was also rocking a uni-brow and a mullet which, in my opinion, made the outfit. There were ninja turtles, eighties rock stars, blue men, orange men, and everything in between. Some of them were already covered in mud, while others, like us, were waiting for their race time. We all registered and waited around for our 1:30 race.

(I wish I had pictures of all the crazies, but at this point I had no camera.)

It was announced that our race was in twenty minutes. We got in a huddle and decided to do really bad and embarrassing stretches in a circle... because that's what dodgeball players are supposed to do, right? When we were finished, we put our hands together, counted to three, and chanted "TIGHT PERIMETER" (not sure why, other than our friend Brandon is a nerd). We got in line, danced to the music, bounced a lot, fire shot into the air, and it was time to run.

We started off slow. In fact, the only people behind us were a couple of girls that already looked exhausted. We figured, however, that we'd let the crazies go ahead of us so we didn't get knocked off of any obstacles.

Safety first is always the best way to go.

Eventually we got to the first obstacle, and this is where it got awesome.

Here's a breakdown of this particular Warrior Dash:

1. Simple jog.

2. Wade through neck deep water.

3. Crawl through mud under barbed wire.

4. Crawl through some crazy net thing.

5. Jog some more.

6. Scale a wall with a rope.

7. Hurdles you have to jump over then slide under.

8. Jog some more.

(Things started getting a little blurry around here so I might jumble some things up.)

9. Climb up a rope wall, then climb down a rope wall.

10. Dive into a lake, crawl onto a floating contraption, go across floating contraption, dive back off and swim to the other side.

11. Run some more.

12. Climb up another wall with pegs, then slide down a pole.

13. Run some more.

14. Climb across a horizontal rope wall.

15. Run some more.

16. Slide down the biggest slip n slide ever.

17. Run some more.

18. Jump over junk cars.

19. Run some more.

20. Leap over fire. (Big fire, if you ask me)

21.Submerge yourself and swim through the nastiest mud ever underneath more barbed wire. (This is where you get completely coated.)

22. Run to the finish line.

Climbing the rope wall. From left: Kelly, Amber, Me, Nick

Jumping from the floating platform into the lake. My face explains how I

felt about that.

Horizontal rope climb.

Jumping over fire.

Runnin' through mud.

Running through more mud.

And this is the result after the race...

We had so much fun, despite our scrapes and bruises, that we are already hoping to go to another one in the Fall. In fact, I want to scope out different races and do them as often as possible. They are an absolute blast, you get a work out, you get to camp out, you make memories - what is there not to love!?

We spent the rest of the weekend eating s'mores, enjoying the scenery, making friends with woodland creatures, and just having fun.

Good times, man. Good times.

Juggling The Past With The Present

2012-05-16T13:18:00.000-05:00

Aren't these things supposed to become easier? That is what people keep telling me, " Oh, honey. It gets easier." Ok, that's nice... I'm still waiting.

Here's the thing. Sure, living with grief is becoming easier in most areas of my life. It's a numbness, I think. Grief is a part of my daily life. It's kind of like having to look in the mirror every morning and see big hips and wrinkles. I hate it, but I get over it and go on with my life. It's there, it will always be there, I've learned to accept that.

Here is the problem...

I'VE accepted my grief. I've accepted I'm weird. That doesn't mean everyone else has - and that is where the problem lies, which brings up a few questions (for me, anyway).

Is it time now for me to start working on being a little more normal? Are these new found flaws given by circumstance things that I need to "work on" or things I should "accept"? Is it healthy to embrace grief and the fact that I miss my husband, and live my life in a way that honors those things, or should I be trying to fix myself so that I can get as close to "how I was" as I possibly can and leave these things behind?

If people don't like who I am now, is it my fault for being selfish in being comfortable in my grief and being attached to my husband forever, or is it theirs for not understanding where I'm coming from and not accepting who I've chosen to be - a widow who lives in honor of her husband?

....I honestly see both sides. The way I live my life now could be viewed selfish to those who are alive. I do get that.

Thing is, as much as I wanted the word "widow" to get away from me in the beginning of this mess, and as much as I wanted to pretend Cleve did not die, I am now FINALLY embracing these things and it is liberating in a way that I'm not sure I can describe. Yea, it hurts to accept, but it is also freeing because now - now that I've accepted who I am and where I came from - I can use that to better myself and help others. The more I'm realizing this, the more happiness I am feeling and the more I want to embrace it and run with it.

Now that I'm "here", it seems that it makes people other than widows (POTW - I am officially making this a widow term) uncomfortable. It makes me more difficult to be around because the things I am openly able to talk about, like switching a screwed up headstone, makes people feel uneasy.

Does this make me selfish?

If so, I'm just becoming more and more selfish with each day. And what if I said I think I'm okay with it? I don't know what else to say, because... I don't want to change. If I die honoring my husband and making sure every person I can possibly find knows his sacrifice, I'll die content. If I die knowing that I gave back to the community I love so dearly - the Military community, specifically those wounded - I will die in what I define as success.

So, where does this leave me? Possibly on a deserted island with a bunch of other Military widows like me, because I'm finding that they may be the only ones who will accept me.

It's true, I would love to blend in with the rest of the world. I would love to re-marry and have children and prance off into the sunset through my white picket fenced yard, but the reality is that that isn't me anymore. I gave those desires to someone else and he is now gone. Now I am someone who wants nothing more than to live for him as long as possible. If that makes other people uncomfortable - even if those other people are everyone else on the freaking planet - then I guess I'll be alone with his memory.

I am aware that times changes a lot. It changes me regularly. And maybe all of this will blow over. Maybe one day I'll decide that putting all of this in the past is what is best. Personally, I hope that I'll just find a way to juggle my past and my present a little more fluidly. The thought of my past being too far away scares me and I have no desire for it.

I am now one of those people - like the Uncle on Napoleon Dynamite who is always reminiscing about his high school football days.

Just call me Uncle friggin' Rico...!

Take it or leave it, man. I don't have the energy to fight who I've become.

So, I dunno. I've been feeling content in many ways and lost in others. I love the people who are alive around me, and I also love someone who is gone. I've found a place that makes me happy, but some people are having a hard time handling my out-in-the-open widow-ness. For now, I'm sticking to what feels right.

I am deeply sorry to anyone that feels they are negatively effected by that.

I just won a milbloggie!

2012-05-12T00:20:00.000-05:00

I need to write a quick post because I'm going to be out of town for the weekend (will say something more "eloquent" when I get back.)

First of all, I just won the 2012 milbloggie for best military spouse blog.

Thank you to everyone who voted. Ya'll. Are. AWEsome.

Thank you to all that were finalists with me. You are all truly fabulous, amazing, spectacular, beautiful, awesome, and every other cheesy word that my wine infused brain cannot think of right now. You were some very stiff competition. My winning is quite baffling to me, but as someone who isn't good at much... I can't turn down an award.

Most of all, I thank my husband. Many of the things in my life never would have come to be if it weren't for him loving me and wanting me to be his wife. He was taken from me, but the love we shared brought so much goodness to my life. I will forever be indebted to him. I accept this award for him. He is the heart of this blog and therefore it is just as much his as it is mine.

.....Meep! <3

There's nothing I can do about it

2012-05-06T01:28:00.000-05:00

I'm having a moment.

How did I get here again? And why am I still trying to do... anything? Remind me what the point is?

I miss him. And I'm thoroughly exhausted by it. I've felt this way for too freaking long and I don't want to anymore.

Most things in life can be tweaked. They can be changed, rearranged, redone. Death... being a widow... there is nothing you can do about it. I will always be this. I will always feel like this. That fact gets me so frustrated with life.

Seriously, God, please take this back. I don't want it.

SICK of it. So tired, dude.

Squeezing in a Blog Post While I Can

2012-05-02T21:25:00.000-05:00

Quick update in between homework.

First of all, I've lost nearly twenty pounds. Had to throw that out there first because I'm a girl and these things are important to girls.

Also very important is the fact that tomorrow is officially the last day of my first semester of college. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, I have a ways to go but, dang it, it took me a long time to just get here so I'm pretty stoked.

This Summer already has many activities planned including (hopefully) an AWP trip and a trip to Walter Reed. The AWP trip I'm hoping to go on is to Seattle to kayak with killer whales. As soon as I saw this opportunity I nearly peed my pants. Then I called Kelly so she could pee hers, too. Three of my favorite widows and I are going to be waiting by our computers the day we are supposed to sign up in hopes that we will be able to get on it. Getting on these trips involves virtual widow cat fights (not really, it's just how I imagine it when there are too many who want to go on one trip). Going is never guaranteed. Keeping my fingers tightly crossed.

As far as Walter Reed, Kelly and I are going to show some love to my favorite people in the whole wide world and their families. We're hoping to grow a little project from there, but for now we're just going to bring some care packages and maybe some yummy food. High fives and cheesy jokes are a given.

Let's see.

I'm hoping to work on my book a bit more this Summer since I'll most likely be bored a lot. I'm still going back and forth as to whether or not I want ALL of my dirty laundry flailing for the world to see, but I still want to finish it even if it's just for me, myself, and I.

I started writing for MilitaryFamily.com a few months ago. I forgot to mention that. I haven't had too much time to contribute recently but plan to contribute more to that this Summer as well. Ya'll check it out if you'd like. It's a newer site, but it's quickly filling up with useful info for...wait for it... Military Families.

This update is becoming longer and longer.

Nicholas is still adorable and his silly jokes still make me laugh.

My parents still live in the tundra.

I still miss Cleve (more every day).

I still have the cutest dog in the world.

Oh, I have a "tan" (color other than clear) for the first time in six years.

I'm starting to feel bad for wasting precious internet space on this post.

Time to get back to homework.

Two Year Festivities and a Little Bit of Illegalness

2012-04-21T04:06:00.000-05:00

My first picture next to him... like this. Kelly convinced me it would be okay... and now I love it.

Giving Cleve a shot of Crown. He did love his Crown.

I had to take one too. Though, I'm really not a fan.

My widows moving the headstone that was WRONG to replace it with the right one. Seriously... only a widow would do this for you. I love them. With everything in me.

Moving the icky one to the car. It will be placed next to a tree that is planted for him. Though it was wrong, it was still made for him and was on his grave for a year. It can't go to waste.

Hahaha. Muddy dress. Illegal activities. I'm sorry... but for such a craptastic day, this made it kind of awesome.

See? It's just so much better now that it's right. Finally. Two years later. The FLIPPIN headstone is right.

It's Been Two Years - And it still hurts

2012-04-20T10:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I woke up at 5 A.M. as I usually do. I put my slippers on, dragged myself to the bathroom, closed the door behind me, and looked in the mirror. I felt a little more tired than usual - a little heavier. My motivation to go to school was lacking. The bed was calling my name. I looked in the mirror and analyzed my aging, tired face. Every small wrinkle and flaw seemed to be more obvious than usual. I don't typically notice, but I have changed so much, especially since he's been gone. I don't like it. It is a visual reminder that I'm still here, without him - that time and life continue despite his absence. The very fact that I was getting ready for College, the one thing I wanted so badly but just couldn't seem to reach, baffled me. Then I thought about the people I've met and the many other things I've done that Cleve will never know about or be a part of. I thought to myself, "How the hell did I do this? How did I get here?" I had realized the night before that yesterday, exactly two years ago at just before 4:30 in the afternoon, was the last time I heard Cleve's voice. I had gone the entire month anticipating this week so that, maybe, I would be okay, but realizing that immediately tore down the walls I built around my heart and left me bare and vulnerable - and it hurt. My daily routine suddenly seemed pointless in the grand scheme of things. The tiny, psycho voice in my head was screaming, "BAIL! BAIL! QUIT! BE DONE! Go. Back. To Bed." It was loud and I wanted to listen. I did not want to go to school. Alas, it's the last few weeks and it's crucial that I go to keep my grades where they are. I've worked so hard. Cleve wanted this for me - that is reason enough. So I sucked it up and went. I wore my biggest, darkest sunglasses just in case. It was a good call because they were needed. The smallest reminders had me a mess.

80's Mustang - Cry.

Billie Holiday - Cry.

No reason - Cry.

The color green - Cry.

The town he's buried in - Cry.

Getting an A and not being able to tell him - Cry.

Repeating our last words over and over and over in my head - Cry. Cry. Cry.

Yes, the sunglasses came in very handy.

After my last class, I bolted. I tried everything I could to shake the pain off of my body. Happy music. Windows down. Think of cupcakes. Make chimp noises. Nothing worked. I needed a widow. I texted Kelly asking her to meet me for a glass of wine. Because she's amazing, she met me within the hour. Her presence instantly helped. And then I drank my wine too fast. And then I was drunk. Kelly had to drive me home and I slept until about eleven that night. I kinda felt like an idiot. At the same time I was relieved that that time, 4:30 in the afternoon, was gone. I wouldn't have to deal with it for another year.

Then I realized it was about to be exactly two years since Cleve died. It just doesn't end.

Today I'm alright as of now, but I have yet to leave my bed. I keep getting this "Oh my god Cleve is actually dead" feeling. Like I hadn't actually realized it until that point. Then it fades, then it comes back, then it fades again. I've been getting random bouts of guilt. I've had a few irrational thoughts that, perhaps none of this is real - it's just a really bad - and long - dream.

Kelly and I are going to be hanging out today. We have a few little things planned for him. One of which may be illegal, but I kind of don't care. Heck, I'll even tell you what it is. His new (CORRECT) headstone was finally placed, but you know what they did? They kept the old one where it was, at the top of the grave, and placed the new, correct one at the bottom. Why they did this, I'm not sure, but I plan to fix this little problem today. I dare someone to stop me. I plan to take the old headstone, plant a tree somewhere that means a lot to both of us, and place it with the tree. Illegal? I'm not sure, but seriously... I don't care.

Two years. Two friggin' years. Where does the time go? Didn't this just happen? It's truly unbelievable. I miss him so much. I wish there were better words in the dictionary. I wish there was a way to express how I feel right now. I feel like I could explode right now. All of the love and memories and sadness and happiness and everything in between have filled me up to capacity. I seriously think I might explode.

To all who read this, REMEMBER HIM. He may not of died the day he was injured. His death may be different than that of your typical war hero. His name may not be on memorials or bridges. But do not doubt that his death was a casualty of this war. He fought long and hard. He went through horrid things that most will never have to experience. His death was avoidable and heinous. He is a war hero.

He will ALWAYS be loved, and never, ever forgotten. Not if I have anything to do with it.

I have not and will not stop loving you. Every day I live, I live it for you.

Top Military Spouse Blog for 2012?

2012-04-17T20:49:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! I discovered the other day that I was nominated and chosen as a finalist for the top Military Spouse Blog of 2012 on Milblogging.com.

I'm quite honored.

The winner will be whoever gets the most votes from here. So, if you have a second (it literally takes about that long) and could go to the "Military Spouse Blogs" section and click "Wife (Widow) of a Wounded Marine" (obviously), it would mean a lot.

Voting ends on the 20th (Cleve's angelversary. I will probably be hiding in a cave somewhere with another widow. Don't worry, though, I'll be back.)

Go here to vote: Top Military Spouse Blog of 2012

Don't forget to browse the other selections and vote for your favorites there, too. There are lots and lots of good ones.

Sophie says, "Thank you." And so do I. <3

Where to begin

2012-04-11T21:43:00.000-05:00

Life has been extremely busy. I've come to my blog a few times in the past week or so fully intending to write a post only to feel overwhelmed and close my laptop. Let's try this again...

Where to begin.

April 1st has come and gone again. Cleve's alive day - not even sure I should call it that anymore - was a little more difficult to swallow than I expected. I went from perfectly fine to blubbering mess - right in front of Nick. That is not allowed in my world, but I did it anyway, and it sucked. Alas, I survived. Six years down.

This month in general has been pretty good considering, though there is a fog in my head that won't go away. It's effecting most of the things in my life to a degree (ex. It's really hard for me to focus on this post right now), but I'm refusing to let it hinder me.

School is still going good. I got a B on a couple of tests and felt defeated, then realized how stupid I am for feeling that way over a B! I'm fine now. I make myself laugh because when I was younger I could care less about grades. Now I want to make the Dean's list. I... want to make the Dean's list. That's just funny to me. Yet, I'm obsessing over it. It has really been a task to keep myself focused on why I'm really here - this is not a competition; I am here to learn and to get a degree. I still want to be the best, though... must. prove. self.

What else?

Oh, my friend Andrew (Walking to Listen) called me the other day and told me that on his travels he more or less ran into President Bush Sr. I was groggy from just waking up from a nap, but I believe he had dinner with him and his wife Barbara. Amid their conversations, Barbara proceeded to tell Andrew that she had read the blog I wrote about us meeting and loved it. Then Andrew and the Bush's just sat around talking about our story... Isn't that kinda crazy? Barbara Bush read my blog...and talked about Cleve. I never really think about who all could be reading this, but when I hear something like that it becomes a reality that, yes, my words are out there. For anyone to see. That's a little scary...and cool at the same time. And let me not forget to throw out there how randomly awesome Andrew is. First of all, who the heck decides to walk across America? That guy. Who the heck walks across America and runs into past Presidents? That guy. I mean, really. He's spectacularly spectacular and I love hearing about all of his adventures.

I know I'm forgetting things because I seriously felt like I was going to explode with things I had to write about, but now I'm drawing a blank. Ah, well. It's almost bed time anyway.

I hope this blog finds everyone well. I will be back next time I can part the fog long enough to write something legible.

Do me a favor? Remember Cleve this next week. His two year angelversary is on the 20th. Two years too damn long. <3

**Wife [Widow] of a Wounded Marine**