To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Wifey Wednesday: How He Brings Peace

2009-07-15T08:36:00.002-04:00

Remember the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti? I wrote about that in my syndicated column last week, which I forgot to post (just realized that now, I'll put it up for tomorrow); but basically here's the issue: we women are multi-taskers. When we're doing the laundry, we're thinking about what we're making for dinner, we're talking on the phone, and we're trying to plan the route we'll take to drop kids off at various houses, pick them up for soccer, and get grocery shopping done, all without running out of gas.

And that's just when we're trying to hold the household things in our head. We're also worried about our work, our church, and all kinds of other things that weigh on us. And through it all, our relationships remain at the forefront. If we're worried about a child, we're thinking about that when we're teaching Sunday School, when we're taking a bath, and even when we go to bed at night.

Men, on the other hand, tend to be quite compartmentalized, which can be very annoying to us multitaskers. If you ask them what they're thinking about, chances are they're not thinking about anything at all. They're not trying to keep four balls in the air at any one time. When they're thinking about work, they're thinking about work. When they're thinking about family, they're thinking about family. So when we get upset when they're in a different sphere and we're not foremost on their minds, they don't get it. But they don't have ten things they're thinking about at any one time like we do.

This obviously has the potential to be hurtful in a marriage, if we interpret it to mean that they don't love as much as we do. That's not true; it's just that they express things differently.

But it can also be helpful to us as women, and that's the question I was posing yesterday on this blog: can he bring you peace?

I don't mean perfect peace; that's a role that only Jesus can play. But I do think that when we stay plugged in to our husbands, they can take some of the weight off of our shoulders, or at least tell us what we can stop worrying about.

So often when I feel myself overbooked or overworked, I just sit down with Keith and he tells me what to get rid of in my schedule. He's not ordering me around; he's just providing that second set of eyes that often isn't as emotionally invested in my life. And quite often I'll resist it. I remember him telling me at one point that I had to give up teaching Sunday School for a while. Boy was I mad. Didn't he understand what a ministry this was? I had to serve God, after all. But eventually I realized he was right.

He told me something even bigger this year, which I can't go into in a public blog, but I resisted that one for months before realizing, again, that Keith was right. Too often I take on responsibilities that are too big for me to handle, and eventually I just have to say no.

Often, though, it's not that Keith tells me I need to stop something. It's that he's learned how to listen without always solving problems, which is a wonderful gift for a man to have. I think because we women think so hard about all the people in our lives, we have a tendency to overanalyze. We did it when we were dating, analyzing everything he said or did. We did it when we were pregnant, analyzing every feeling. And now we do it with the kids, and with friends, and relatives, and teachers. We analyze and take offense and worry.

Sometimes, when you just speak these things out loud to someone who is not as prone to analyzing, you realize that you're overreacting. Talking to a girlfriend doesn't always do it, because she can make it worse if she's an analyzer, too. But talking to a man helps you see that perhaps it isn't the big deal that you were making it out to be. It's not even anything Keith says, either; it's just in speaking it out loud to him, I start to see it through his point of view. And then it loses the ability to consume me.

These are some ways that Keith brings me peace, and why I'm glad I'm married. But I know in the comments below, when I first raised the question, some women were talking about how their husbands are too preoccupied to do this. Good point. That is the case in many marriages, and in mine, when Keith was going through his medical training and was really busy, I did carry much more myself.

But can I suggest something? No matter how busy your husband is, and how busy you are, you need to make time to connect and talk about life at least once a week. He may resist, but it is vital for the marriage. It comes before kids. It comes before work. It comes before church, school, or other family. If your marriage falls apart, you lose everything. And your marriage is the best tool you have for encouragement in the human realm.

So once a week, eat dinner, just the two of you, even if you have to do it after the kids go to bed. Go for a walk after dinner. Retreat to your room and tell the kids not to bug you because you're talking. Hire a baby-sitter and go out for coffee (much cheaper than dinner) and talk. But do it, once a week, no ifs, ands or buts. Some of you may not have to schedule it because you have lots of time together. But if you don't, you need to make it a priority. Start talking again, and build that companionship, so that he can start bringing you peace.

Now, would you like to participate in Wifey Wednesday? We'd love to hear from you! Does your husband help you feel more peaceful? Does it bother you when he seems not to care the same way you do? Do you have creative ways to connect during the week? Tell us!

Simply copy the picture at the top of this post and put it up on your own blog. Link to me, and then write your marriage post, and come back here and leave it in the Mr. Linky. We'd love to hear from you!

Wifey Wednesday: Go 3 for 3

2009-07-08T07:00:00.000-04:00

I was browsing around the internet lately and found the best synopsis of marriage advice I've seen in a long time.

Readers to this blog won't find any of it surprising. I talk on these themes all the time. But it's so pithy and wise, I have to reproduce it just as she said it over at Garden of Holiness:

3 Things to Keep in Mind
1. You picked him.
2. You can't change him.
3. You didn't marry a girl.

Aren't those brilliant? You can't change him. So stop trying. In fact, it's better to pray that God will bless him and make him into the man God wants him to be--not the man you want him to be! As you start praying for him this way, God often changes our hearts. And then we can focus on changing ourselves.

And remember, he's a guy! And there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm scheduling this post ahead of time because I'm away this Wifey Wednesday, so I'm going to send you over to Garden of Holiness for the rest of her post. And you can click through on the links I've highlighted there to other Wifey Wednesday posts I've loved!

Now it's your turn! Go to your own blog and write a marriage post, and then come back here and leave your link in the Mr. Linky! (I'm assuming Mr. Linky will work, but I'm scheduling this ahead of time. If he doesn't, leave your link in the comments!). And copy my picture from the top of this post and use it in your post, too! Thanks so much, and I look forward to seeing what you all have to say!

Wifey Wednesday: What Lens Do You See Your Husband Through?

2009-07-01T07:41:00.003-04:00

Quite often we don't see people how they really are. We look at them with our own biases.

For instance, before we get married we tend to see our husbands (then our fiances) through rose-coloured glasses. We may notice that they do annoying things, but we think of these as "cute quirks" that they will likely grow out of.

Then, once we're married, those glasses often fall off and we start noticing all the things that are wrong with our husbands.

But we have other lenses, too, and we need to be aware of them so that we can make sure we're not being unfair to our husbands.

1. The Father Lens. Did you have a close, loving, supportive father? If you didn't, that likely left a hole in you. My father, for instance, left me when I was two, and I've always had rejection issues. For the first few years we were married, whenever we were feeling particularly close and snuggling, I would find "you're not going to leave me, are you?" coming out of my mouth instead of "I love you." I was programmed to assume that this relationship wasn't going to last.

And that can lead to a lack of trust in your relationship, which makes transparency hard, intimacy tricky, and happiness difficult. What we tend to do is to push our husbands away before they push us away. We get defensive, and believe that everything that they bring up that is negative means they're going to leave us--as opposed to the fact that they just want to work on something.

So we assume the worst. We think that when he's being insensitive it means he genuinely doesn't care, as opposed to maybe he's just being lazy or preoccupied. And so we start attacking him and accusing him of things that he has no intention of doing and aren't even on his radar screen. And yet what's happened is not that he's doing anything in particular; it's that we have read too much into things because of our own prejudices.

2. The Bad Relationship Lens. Often our lack of trust is magnified if we've had really bad romantic relationships or marriages in the past. I have a friend who was abused in her first marriage, and is now married to someone who loves her dearly. But she has a hard time believing it. He says that he often has a nightmare where he's lying in his coffin, about to be lowered into the ground, and she's standing above it, saying, "See! I told you you'd leave me!". That's the only way that argument can end, because he can never prove to her that he is going to stay.

3. The Pathetic Man Lens. In our culture men are thought of as incompetent when it comes to relationship stuff, housework stuff, and parenting stuff. We are the wise ones; they are the dolts that we put up with for some reason. And it becomes in vogue to make fun of men for how they can't share their feelings, or can't do laundry, or can't play with a baby.

The problem is that many men CAN share their feelings, CAN do laundry, and CAN play with babies. They just may do it differently than we do. But because our lens tells us that he is pathetic, we assume that when he launches into his version of it that it's wrong, and we berate him for it. Not a good way to build intimacy!

4. The He's Always Right Lens. This one perhaps is not as common as it used to be, but it's still out there, and it goes something like this. God has called me to submit to this man, and He has made this man head over our marriage. Therefore, what my husband says I must obey, because my husband is right. Nope. God is your final authority; not your husband. We must submit, yes. But God never asks us to do that without thinking for ourselves. And if your husband isn't close to God, and isn't leading your family close to God, then you need to pick up the slack and do those things on your own.

If your husband asks you to do something in the bedroom that you feel is wrong, you don't have to do it. If your husband is addicted to pornography, it's okay to confront him on it. Submitting does not mean letting go of our wisdom or our discernment.

5. My Kids Are My Main Concern Right Now. The other lens we often use is to see everything in terms of the kids. If our husbands want a night away with us, we wonder how that will affect the kids, and why doesn't he love the kids as much as I do? Our children are our main priority, and we give them the majority of our time and attention, and we wonder why our husbands don't seem to do the same thing. We assume that we must love the children more. Actually, our husbands might have the right idea. What children need is to feel that their parents have a stable relationship; if you put the children first, you're sacrificing their stability.

6. The Men are Evil University Lens. For several years after I was released from my indoctrination program at university, I believed that all men were evil to a certain extent, and women were superior. This isn't the same as believing all men are buffoons; it's actually more harmful. We learned that "all sex is rape", for instance, and that makes it very hard to figure out how to handle intimacy in a marriage.

So those are the different lenses that we can see our husband through, and assume things about him that he hasn't done at all. So here's my assignment for you this week: figure out what lens, or lenses, you have. If we can see what our biases are, it's easier to identify them. And then, next time you find yourself getting upset with your husband, or ticked off about something, ask yourself this question:

"Is he really doing something very wrong? Or am I assuming something about the situation?"

That's a good practice to get into in marriage: start with yourself when there's a conflict. And you just might find that those conflicts magically disappear!

Please share your thoughts with us! Go to your own blog and write a Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and enter it in the Mr. Linky. We'd love to hear what you have to share about marriage!

And don't forget to Stumble this post, or share it on Facebook, if you liked it!

Wifey Wednesday: When You Don't Speak Each Other's Language

2009-06-24T08:44:00.004-04:00

Sometimes husbands and wives just don't see eye to eye.

I'm a little distracted today, and so it's hard to write a Wifey Wednesday post. But let me try and let you in on what's going on in my head today.

To make a long story short, a woman from our homeschooling group has just been diagnosed with a very rare terminal condition. She likely doesn't have long to live, and she has a 10-year-old daughter for whom she has always been the primary caregiver. To make things worse, she's in hospital an hour away from here, so people aren't able to visit her or bring her daughter to her. So she's lying there, alone in the hospital, knowing she's dying. I just have a hard time even getting my head around how she must feel.

And she and her husband really don't have any family, and not a lot of friends. So I suppose I feel responsible in some way, even though we're not close.

I was talking to Keith about this last night, and the talk did not go well. He's a doctor, so I always figure that he can figure out how to talk to doctors and get things done in the system better than the rest of us plebes. But I think he felt it was an attack, "why haven't you done anything for this poor woman?" Needless to say we were each a little annoyed with each other.

Now this shall pass. I know that once he gets home from work we'll talk and it will be fine. It really isn't a big deal. (Although I'm still quite sidetracked trying to figure out what I can do for this woman, other than going to visit her tomorrow). Often, though, our disagreements with our husbands happen not really because we see the issues differently; they happen because we have different approaches to life in general. So I thought today, for Wifey Wednesday, I'd make a chart of some of the primary ways that men and women think and act differently. And then you, when you participate, can make the list longer, either in the comments or on your blog!

Here goes:

1. Men think we're trying to get them to fix a problem, when really we want to brainstorm about a problem or just discuss a problem. That's why Keith got defensive. When we mention a problem, they figure we're angry that they haven't done something about it yet. They need to feel competent; if we say things the wrong way, we undermine this and set them off.

2. Men tend to focus on one thing at a time, while women are always multi-tasking. Even when I'm working, I'm thinking about what my daughters are doing and how they're feeling. Men often seem oblivious to the reactions of family members to their actions, not because they don't care, but because they weren't thinking of that right now. Instead of attacking them in these cases, it's often better to ask a question to help them focus differently. ("What do you think we can do to help Rebecca out of her funk?" for instance).

3. Men are quick to get in the mood; we need to be romanced. Thus, men often assume we don't want to make love, so they roll over and get grumpy. I keep telling my husband, "try to seduce me!" I'm not in the mood right now, but you could probably get me there. It's just not on the radar screen. If it's not on their radar screen, they know it can't happen. But they forget that we're not usually in the mood until we start. We don't work like them. So we could, potentially, be warmed up if they tried.

4. Men tend to relate to others on a side-to-side basis. We relate on a face-to-face basis. Men do things with others, whether it's other guys, or their children. We like talking to others. One is not necessarily better than the other. If we want to get closer to our husbands, then, maybe the answer isn't to try to get them to talk and act like us; it's to find things that we can do, side by side.

5. In the end, men need to feel like we think they're competent and can manage life. We need to feel like we are cherished. We have different primary needs. You may feel like you're meeting his if you're hugging him all the time and telling him you love him, but if you're simultaneously questioning him about his job, how he handles the kids, and the finances, he'll feel undermined.

So there's my list. Anything jump out at you? Anything you'd like to add?

And don't forget: in terms of sex, if you feel like you're not relating to your husband because there are too many differences, I lay them out in my book Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, which is on special this month. And you can pick up an audio download of a hilarious talk I gave on the same subject here!

To participate in Wifey Wednesday, either leave a comment, or preferably write your own blog post, link it to here, and then come back here and enter your URL in the Mr. Linky.

Thank you!

Wifey Wednesday: Make Your Hubby Feel Appreciated

2009-06-17T07:30:00.002-04:00

(Announcement: To go with Wifey Wednesday, it's all marriage, all intimacy, all the time at my Livestream channel! I've posted all my marriage videos up there right now! Go on over and have a peak!)

I've written a lot in these pages about how to make your husband feel appreciated. We've talked about gratitude, about encouragement, and about, of course, sex.

But with Father's Day coming up this weekend, I thought I'd let a guy speak for a change. So today, here's Mark Webb talking about how to say thank you to your hubby:

Make Your Man Feel Appreciated
By Mark Webb

"God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say, "thank you."?"~ William A. Ward

When is the last time you said a word of appreciation to your husband? It is hard to tell which comes first, his lack of appreciation for you or yours toward him. Rather than debate this, I suggest that you pump new life into your relationship by giving your man the gift of appreciation. I have chosen to make this article one-sided because I occasionally catch grief from other men who complain that I am always asking them to make the sacrifices in order to make their woman feel special. I still believe this and I believe appreciation should be a two-way street. I also believe that a man will do a lot more for the woman he loves if he is appreciated.

You see, when a woman is not happy, the man feels like a failure. When she is happy, he feels that he is successful. Men may give up in their efforts to make her happy if he doesn't see results. A woman's show of appreciation is his scorecard. So, ladies this is ultimately in your best interest to give your man one of his deepest longings, appreciation.

Dennis is frustrated that the vision for his marriage is out of sync with his wife, Nancy. She throws him "under the bus" every time they are around their family and friends. Everybody knows something is wrong. Dennis seems very unhappy. He is frequently ill and has nothing to look forward to. Nancy's belittling of him has led to him feeling inadequate as a man. He pouts like a child and acts in a passive-aggressive manner. For instance, he seems to always "forget" her birthday, Mother's Day and Valentine's Day. This is how he has learned to retaliate for her lack of appreciation. He dreads going home each day. Their marriage is in real trouble. Don't let this happen to your relationship.

Here are some ways to let your man know how much you appreciate him:

1) Greet him with enthusiasm. Light your face and his with a smile. Be glad to see him.

2) Build him up in front of others. Refuse to say anything negative about him to anyone else. Look for opportunities to sing his praises to his friends and relatives as well as yours.

3) Tell him the things you admire and appreciate about him. Men love to hear how great they are. This also serves as positive reinforcement which in turn will promote an even better man.

Point out how hardworking he is. Thank him for being thoughtful and patient, and a good listener. You will be surprised at how much better he will become.

4) Be playful. Draw out his fun side. Once couples get established in the relationship, they tend to forget how playful and goofy they can be. Being playful will keep you young.

5) Ease up on the guilt trips. Women typically hate to ask for the things they want or need. Instead, they complain about what the man doesn't do. Men interpret this as, "No matter what I do, it is never good enough." Don't make him feel obligated through guilt provoking statements. Learn to make direct requests such as, "Will you take out the trash?" instead of, "You never take out the trash!"

6) Make a big to-do when he achieves something. Fix him his favorite meal or a special dessert. Put the children to bed early and break out the candles. Use your imagination. The bigger the better.

7) Tell him how much you love him. Not with a card. Most men are not into receiving cards. Tell him face to face. A sincere statement can penetrate the toughest of hearts.

8) Thank him for providing for you and your children. I know he is supposed to do this, but a wise woman will never take this for granted. Men equate long hours of hard work to a show of love. Receive this with a thank you.

9) Thank him for supporting your pursuits. Behind every great man is a supportive woman. The reverse is also true.

10) If you want to see a huge difference in your man, listen to him. Listen to his goals, his dreams and his frustrations. Give him a chance to talk without correcting him or getting defensive. Let him vent without taking it personally. A man will give his right arm for this one.

Mark Webb is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships™. Sign up for Mark Webb's "Relationship Strategies" Ezine ($100 Value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com

So, ladies, which of those ten is the hardest for you? Which do you do naturally? It took me a long time to learn #3--to tell your mate what you admire about him. I was constantly saying "I love you", but that didn't cut it. Keith wanted to know WHY I loved him. It took me a few years to figure this out, but now I try to tell him what I admire everyday.

I would probably add one more (and you ladies who are regular readers know this about me), but I would add making love frequently. Men make love to feel loved. For them, sex is a necessity but affection is the choice. For us, affection is usually the necessity while sex is the choice. But it is an honest need they have, and we need to learn how to overcome our own barriers so that we can make love with enthusiasm regularly! (My book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, addresses just these issues, and it's on sale for Father's Day!)

That doesn't mean, of course, that if he's into pornography you do weird things with him. I'm not talking about that, and I've addressed that problem before. I just mean that in most relationships, we could improve them a ton if we began to realize that men aren't sick for wanting sex so much; that's the way they were made. And besides, when you make love, you sleep better anyway!

Alright, it's your turn now. What do you need to work on to make him feel appreciated? What can you do leading up to Father's Day to tell him that he's #1 for you? What do you find the hardest? Leave a note in the comments, or go write your own Wifey Wednesday post about how to make him feel appreciated this week. Just copy the picture at the top of this post and upload it to your blog, and then come back and enter your URL in the new Mr. Linky. Love to hear from you!

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Wifey Wednesday: A Winner! And a Way....

2009-06-10T08:17:00.007-04:00

All week I've been running a contest to win a copy of my book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. A bunch of you entered through Twitter, Facebook, and blogs, and I'm so excited about all the new people I have to discover once I wade through the entries!

But in the meantime, the winner is....Victoria R.! I've already emailed her, so Congratulations, Victoria! She advertised the contest on Facebook.

For the rest of you, remember that Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight is on special right now, 25% off, and you can get it in time for Father's Day! Make his Father's Day something to remember! (Or get it through Amazon here:)

Now, I want to share a little bit of wisdom that is in this book, as well as in To Love, Honor and Vacuum. Last week we started talking about how to get husbands more involved with the children, and some of you left comments saying you had basically given up. He wasn't interested, and there wasn't anything you could do.

I found that really heartbreaking, but I also know that this is probably a very common feeling--probably MORE common than women who feel that their husbands are involved with the kids. Having a family that functions well is not that common an occurrence these days.

So what can we do to form a family that is cohesive, and where everyone does enjoy being with each other?

First, I think so much depends on how we organize after dinner times. If you make dinner, but then leave it up to everyone how they will spend their evening, chances are they will scatter (or he will, anyway), and family time won't happen. If, instead, you make plans so that EVERYONE will do something together, then chances are it WILL happen.

Let's look at a scenario. You make dinner haphazardly, and try to get everyone to the table. Everyone arrives one at a time, and some of them start eating without waiting for others. As soon as people are done, they get up. Your husband goes and watches TV. Your little ones go and play video games, except for the smallest, who clings to your leg. You start cleaning up. The whole episode took about 8 minutes, 6 of which you spent getting up and down fetching things for the kids.

Now, let's look at it a different way. Dinner is ready. You call one of your kids, who is over 5, to set the table. You put candles on the table. You use nice napkins. You call everyone together, and don't let them eat until you're all seated. You sing grace, or say grace, or do something fun to start the meal (holding hands is good, because it prevents others from digging in). Now dinner has an atmosphere, so it's an event, not just something that one eats.

While you're eating, you have a trivia book that you ask your oldest one to read from, or a joke book for your 8-year-old, or a list of conversation starters for older kids. You play a game, like Stump the Dad, where everyone has to think of a question he doesn't know, or you have to make him laugh. You talk about your day, or homework. Everyone has to share one thing that was good about the day, and one thing they hated (even dad).

Dinner is now something where people connect, and you can start this with kids as young as toddlers. Dad can even get involved. Now you're bonding.

You have a schedule as to who does the dishes, who puts the dishes in the dishwasher, and who clears the table. Everyone pitches in (including Dad). Those that aren't on the schedule are excused, but the others work. After dinner you play a game, or go for a walk together, or go kick the soccer ball around outside. You ALL do this. It becomes an evening routine.

What you'll find is that if dinner is more of an event, and the kids are involved in cleaning up, and you go outside after dinner, Dad will start developing more of a relationship with the kids. But notice that you're not making him do anything on his own; you're just organizing the family so that you all spend time together.

This won't happen overnight. You may have to push through their resentment or their complaints. But if you want a different sort of family life, don't let them ruin it for you! You're the mom. You set the tone for the house. You are not helpless! Talk to your husband about it, and tell him that kids do better in school when they eat dinner together and talk at the dinner table. Tell him it's important to you that you all get exercise. Show him that you're working for everyone's best interests, and make it fun! Don't get mad at people if they don't jump on the bandwagon at first; keep pushing, and they'll join in.

Deep down, people want to connect. They want to do family things. But if it hasn't been a habit, there may be resistance. But that doesn't mean they won't enjoy it, or won't do it eventually.

So tell your husband what's important to you, and set it up. Don't wait for him to do it. Make dinner an event, and plan something together afterwards, and you'll find your husband laughing more with the children.

Now it's your turn. How do you make family times happen when family doesn't always want to? How do you encourage your husband to be with the family? I want to hear from you! Just go to your own blog and write a post, copy the picture from the top of this post, and then come back and enter your URL in the Mr. Linky!

Or, if you don't have a blog, just leave some comments! We'd love to hear how you get your family together!

Wifey Wednesday: Letting Men Be Men

2009-06-03T08:06:00.005-04:00

Hello, everybody! It's time to talk marriage!

First, thanks for the replies on my post this week about how to get husbands to care for their children. Keep commenting over here! I'm going to turn it into next week's Wifey Wednesday!

But for today, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. My husband just got back from being away for ten days. I know that's not much of a secret, but at the time, it was. I don't like to announce on the internet, "Hey, everybody! I'm home alone tonight with two teenage girls!". Just doesn't sound smart.

He went away with seven other guys to North Carolina, where they swam and windsurfed and biked and read and goofed off. He had a good time, although his comment when he came back is that he'd rather spend time with me. He's glad he went, though.

He was initially nervous about asking me to join this trip, because it coincided with my birthday. Actually, that didn't work out so badly for me. Everybody felt sorry for me because he wasn't here, so I was taken out to four birthday dinners by different people! I ate very well. Maybe I'll send him away next year, too!

But I wanted him to go. We have lots of time together, he and I. We prioritize it. But sometimes guys just need to be with other guys. And we don't always let them. We get upset because it takes time away from us, or from the kids.

Now there's a balance here, isn't there? No guy should be out with his friends every night, or even once a week if he's barely home with the kids because of his own work schedule. Obviously the family needs to come first. Yet I think it's important that we encourage male bonding.

Think about it this way. How many women do you know that you could share your heart with? How many women could you pick up a phone and say, "I need to talk, can we go for coffee?". Chances are there are more than two women on that list. For many of us there may be quite a few!

But men don't have that as much. Apparently less than 10% of men have a real, male friend that they could actually bare their souls to. Many men have acquaintances that they do things with, but they don't actually talk.

And the only way to get to that level of relationship is if they start to spend time together and act like men.

When I wrote my book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, I included a chapter called "Who Wears the Pants in this Family?". I knew it would be a controversial one, and I do get occasional emails from readers challenging me on this. Here's the point I was making: what makes sex interesting is that it is two very different individuals joining. God made us male and female. He didn't just make us the same with different body parts. He made two separate packages that can now be joined.

But what do we do? We try to turn men into women! We don't let them act like guys, because that's wrong. We're the good sex. We know how to share our feelings, raise kids, look after a house, and organize schedules. He's helpless and hopeless. So he needs to learn to bow to our expertise.

Maybe you don't think of it that way, but that is often our attitude. The funny thing is that it is often his masculinity that attracted you to him in the first place! But once you're married, those things start to bother you. We need to get to a point in our marriages where he can be a guy again, and one of the ways to encourage that is to let him hang out with other men. And if he won't take the initiative, you can. Invite couples over for dinner that include a guy that you think would click with your husband. Often men only have friendships because we "set them up". And that's okay.

And we need to let him be a man in the way that he relates to the kids, too. Don't expect him to parent the way you do! You are not necessarily the expert; kids need both parents.

I think it's hard to figure out this masculine-feminine dichotomy in today's world because roles have gotten all messed up. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Some women need to work, and that's good. It's great that men are changing diapers! But the price we pay for all of this is that suddenly we may not be as sexy to each other anymore because we're too much the same. I think every woman needs a time where she can feel feminine: cared for, attractive, and desired. And every man needs a time when he can feel masculine: capable, strong, and respected. But is that happening in your marriage?

It was right about here where the hate mails started to arrive. What did I mean saying that men needed to feel strong? That women needed to feel cared for? Didn't I know that women's lib had happened so that we weren't subject to these stereotypes anymore?

Yes, I do know that. But I also know that God made us male and female. And we don't gain anything in the marriage relationship by trying to erase that fact. We need to interact with each other as two different genders, or we risk losing something precious. That has nothing to do with who cleans the toilets; it has everything to do with how you feel about each other.

If you're wondering how to walk this line, or how to help him feel masculine, I have lots more in Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight! And best of all, it's on special for June! I figured I'd put it on for Father's Day: it's a gift YOU will read, and HE will reap the benefits of! Find out more here!

I also have a 45-minute hilarious and practical talk I gave on the same subject for sale this month, too. Don't miss it! I know it will change your marriage!

Now, let's talk about masculinity and femininity and how to help him be a man. Unfortunately, Mr. Linky isn't working right now, so just leave the link to your Wifey Wednesday post in the comments! Let's talk about how to let guys be guys (and how to put reasonable limits on it, too!). To participate, just copy the picture at the top of this post, and write a blog post on your own blog about marriage. Then come back here and leave your link!

Wifey Wednesday: Looking Good for Him

2009-05-27T07:50:00.005-04:00

Yesterday I asked a question on this blog: Does appearance matter?

You see, I am torn about the issue. On the one hand, I think women berate themselves far too much on image issues. They say that weight is the number one thing women feel guilty about, as if God is more concerned with our waistlines than He is our hearts. And it is also definitely true that our insides matter more than our outsides. A truly beautiful woman is one who is gentle in spirit, true in character, loving in outlook. These things are biblical, and they come first.

But I'm uncomfortable with leaving it like that, because I know that when it comes to men, looks matter. So as a wife, what is our responsibility to look good for our husbands?

I was thrilled with all the comments I received, and I want to summarize my thinking on the issue, with some help from some of the commenters.

First, I think the issue is not what we look like but the effort we put in. Only about 1% of us will ever be able to look anything like supermodels. But as anyone who has ever watched the show What Not to Wear knows, all of us, regardless of body type or features, can make an effort to look attractive. We don't need to be Jennifer Aniston, but we can take pride in ourselves.

Here's a video that I did a while ago, if you haven't seen it yet, about how much women berate ourselves for our bodies. The point, again, is that we can't be Barbies.

So we don't want to do that. But we do want to make an effort to show our husbands that we care. I think Cassandra, in the comments, summed it up well. She said that early in the marriage she asked her husband these questions:

1. What can I do that will bring joy to your heart?

2. What can I do that will absolutely delight you?

3. I know I don't have to do any of this, but, if I have some extra time, are there desires that you have that I can attend to?

And that's her motivation for trying to look nice for him. It isn't because she's afraid of him straying. It isn't because she's shallow. It's just because she wants to present herself to him in a way that he will like, and feel special. And men are visual creatures, so appealing to his visual senses is important.

I think that's what it's all about. Do you make your husband feel special? Do you let him know by what you do that you're looking forward to seeing him again?

Carrie intimated about this when she said this:

He likes to see my eyes light up, for me to indicate he's still the desire of my heart after all these year...those are among the things he sees as beautiful, even when I'm in my favorite OLD cotton nightgown, face scrubbed and hair pulled back in a braid.

The important thing for her husband when he comes home is that Carrie looks like she's glad to see him. And let's be honest, here, women: many times we don't look it. Especially when we have small children, it's easy to get into the "you're home now, so you take the kids so I can finally get something done" mode. We don't delight in being with him again; we just push things on him as soon as he's in the door.

Part of being a good wife, then, I think, is to show your husband you love him and are eager to see him in a way that speaks to him. And taking the time in your very busy day to look presentable is one way to do that. Another Cassandra said this about her husband:

He says that men feel betrayed if they marry one thing (makeup, nice clothes, nice body) and wind up with something else 20 years later (way larger body, no makeup, sloppy clothes) that by caring for ourselves, it says volumes to them...that would never have occured to me unless he said it first...then i read it in a book later and thought, wow, guess that's across the board for most guys...

I think that's true, too. Now men don't always care for themselves, either. Many of us are married to guys who have gained 50 pounds since the wedding, and we wish they'd lose it, too. But marriage is not about only acting loving when he first does something nice. It's about taking the initiative.

So here's your challenge this week: can you take five minutes before you see your husband again, either because he's arriving home from work or because you are, and make yourself look nice for him? Can you put the effort in to show him that you were looking forward to him coming home, and then, when he gets in the door, can you show him that? Even if he doesn't respond right away? Make the effort. And then, over the next few weeks, see what happens!

Do you have your own marriage advice for us? Or would you like to respond to this post? Why not write your own Wifey Wednesday post? Just copy the picture above by right clicking it and saving it, and then go to your own blog and write your own post. Come on back here and enter the post's URL in the Mr. Linky (if it works, it's being temperamental) or in the ocmments!

Here are other marriage resources you'll enjoy:
Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood (the book)
Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight (the talk as an audio download)

Wifey Wednesday: What It Means to Become One

2009-05-20T07:48:00.003-04:00

Last week, on Wifey Wednesday, we were talking about things we wished we had known before we were married. And my guest, Christine Pembleton, said that she wished that she had known that you wouldn't be "one" right away. That takes time.

Her statement started a discussion in the comments section, since as one woman correctly pointed out, spiritually we are automatically one upon marriage, based on the verse:

And the man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Absolutely. They are one. But that doesn't mean that we FEEL like we're one, which is what Christine was trying to say. So I want to take up that discussion today and get it going again.

Before we are married, we only have ourselves to worry about. We don't have to consider another's feelings; we're all bent on making decisions that will make ME happy. I am the focus of my life.

At marriage, that feeling naturally continues. When we're first married, we start to wonder, "is he making me happy?", or "is he treating me well?", "is he acting like a good husband should?". We're new at this, so it's only natural that we should question whether he's doing what he's supposed to. After all, we have images of what being the proper wife is, and we're doing that, but is he holding up his end of the bargain?

We're focused on what he is doing, not what we are doing, because we're used to giving ourselves a pass. We can always find reasons why it was okay for us not to be giving in that particular situation. We can always justify ourselves. But our husbands are a different matter.

The other issue, I think, is a gender one. Deep inside we want him to make the first move. So if we feel like he's not treating us appropriately, we may withdraw and wait for him to make it up. And we think that's okay because he's supposed to treat us better than that.

What we don't see is what he is feeling. Chances are he's just as disillusioned as we are, because he had expectations going into the marriage, too, that aren't being met. And while this situation is quite typical for many newly married couples, whether or not it keeps going on is up to us. Because for many couples, this is the constant state. For decades this is how they relate to each other: judgment, justification, resentment, withholding. It's all about my feelings and my rights.

And so we face a choice. Our husbands will always disappoint us because they are not US. They don't have the same opinions or values or expectations, so they can never live up to ours. So what are we going to do: are we going to continue this cycle, or are we going to become one?

The ball, I think, is in your court. Don't wait for your husband to act. But here is the key to turning on this "oneness" part of marriage: you have to understand that his feelings are now your feelings. His cares are now your cares. His concerns are now your concerns. Spiritually, that is a fact. And when we recognize the spiritual fact, we can start to act on it. And when we act on it, we may eventually start to feel it.

He doesn't need to justify his feelings; they are his feelings. And now that you are married, they should matter to you just as much as yours do. It matters when he's upset. Don't try to get him to justify it or talk him out it; be concerned about it. Because when he's upset, part of you is upset. It matters if he feels lonely or frustrated, because that means you are lonely and frustrated.

If you can start putting as much weight on his feelings as you do yours, or even 50% as much weight on his feelings, you'll likely find that your marriage will improve exponentially, because you're reaching out.

We women are very good at DOING things for other people, but we often keep our hearts in reserve. We may do all the laundry, and cook him nice meals, but we do it on our terms, not his. Sometimes it's harder to feel than to do. And as a wife, his feelings and cares do matter.

When you start valuing those, he's likely to reach out to you more. And as he reaches out to you, you are going to start feeling like one. It doesn't happen overnight. And I'm not saying you should accept sin, or not confront him on things that are important. I'm only saying that his viewpoint counts, and you need to give it the weight it deserves. Then, and only then, will you begin to feel like you're one.

What about you? Do you feel like you're one in marriage? How did that happen? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and leave your URL in the Mr. Linky, or leave a comment if you don't have a blog! Let's keep the discussion going!

Wifey Wednesday: What I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Married

2009-05-13T07:52:00.005-04:00

Today on Wifey Wednesday I have a special guest. Christine Pembleton is a mom, an author, and a wife, and her new book "Lord, I'm Ready to Be a Wife" is now ready, too! She's come by to answer some questions for us. While her book is directed at single women, I think many of us married women need a reality check and need to keep these vital principles in mind.

So I asked her some questions, and she answered! I'm in purple, and she's in blue, because I like purple and it's my blog. Let's talk to Christine:

Christine, what’s the biggest mistake that women make about their attitudes when they get married?

The biggest mistake a woman can make, in my opinion, is to expect to automatically become one with her husband after they've taken their wedding vows. Marital bliss is a process. And building a life together takes time. Married couples who have been married for 20 years are still working towards this.

I totally agree with this! When Keith and I speak at marriage conferences, we like to say that we've been married for 17 years, and happily married for 13. The first few were really tough. But knowing that you're sticking it out for the long haul gives you the energy to keep going!

Okay, here's another one: I’ve heard it said that women get married to make themselves happy. Do you think this can backfire?

Sure this can backfire. Marriage can bring happiness to a person's life, but it can also bring heartache and disappointment. There is nothing in life that will make you happy 24-hours a day, but if we focus our need for joy to the Lord, He will be that source of unexplainable joy, through the most challenging situations of our lives, even our marriages. One note: marriage should not be miserable either. I definitely think there should be more happy moment than sad ones, but there will be tears. If you look to the Lord to help you through those times, you'll make it through them with peace.

What should we teach our children more to prepare them for marriage?

Sharing and compassion for another person's needs. Marriage really takes more compromise than people today realize. Knowing how to care for someone else's need, and to be selfless, will help any man or woman be more prepared for the requirements marriage brings to their lives.

I think having a sibling can be really helpful here! I grew up as an only child, and I had never really had to adjust to living with another person before. Seeing my own children negotiate whose turn it is to do something or whose space it is actually makes me smile, for while it seems like they're bickering, they're also learning how to share and work things out! I do think single children have a harder time with marriage, but that could just be my own bias.

How do you think women should prepare for the physical aspects of marriage?

It all depends on the life a woman has lived before she's gotten married. If a woman has had a limited or non-existent sexual life before she's gotten married, it can take time to get into the mindset of being intimate with her husband each day or week. If she has been sexual, it might be difficult not to compare her husband to the other lovers she's had before. I definitely believe we as the Body of Christ should have forums for married men and women to openly share with unmarried people their experiences of building a sexual relationship. This would help them mentally prepare for that life as a married person.

Me, too! That's what I want Wifey Wednesday to be! I think we in the church don't really have good places to talk about sexual stuff in a healthy way, and I wish we did. So I try to open up here, and let the chips fall where they may. I think we need to ask questions and ask for help.

Do you think we value marriage TOO much? Do women sometimes seek their fulfillment in their husbands rather than in God?

In the 21st century, we don't value marriage enough. Yes, women can seek fulfillment in their husbands rather than God but it only takes a few days before you realize that's not going to happen. I believe the bigger problem is that few married couples are really experiencing the benefits of oneness in marriage, and so very few people really understand how beautiful marriage can be, when you've build a marriage over time, and have come to understand your spouse. Like our relationship with God, getting to know a husband takes years, trust, and vulnerability. I believe the fruit a healthy marriage includes strength, understanding, encouragement, and exponential increase in one's ability to prosper in soul, spirit and body. Marriage does make our lives better, or at least it should. God is our source of purpose, and marriage provides us an opportunity to exercise that purpose, as we care for the life of our spouse, as unto the Lord.

Great answer! Thanks Christine! And you can find out more about her book right here.

Now, why don't you join the discussion? What one piece of advice do you wish women had given you before you were married? What's one thing that really surprised you? Leave your answer in the comments, or write your own blog post about it and join Wifey Wednesday! Just come on back here and leave the URL for your post in the Mr. Linky!

Wifey Wednesday: The Building Blocks

2009-05-06T08:00:00.000-04:00

So many movies today have everything backwards. The couple sleeps together, and then they decide if they want to be together. They start hanging out to see if they really click. In other words, the sex comes first. The relationship is built on sex.

In reality, sex is a reflection of other parts of your relationship. It isn't the base. You cannot build a relationship on sex. You need companionship, spiritual intimacy, and trust first.

So if your sex life isn't stellar, it probably isn't because of sex. It's probably a sign that there's something wrong with other parts of your relationship.

And in the same vein, if you want your sex life to improve, you should probably concentrate on other things first.

Now that's the opposite of what most advice in secular bookstores will tell you. They'll try to get you to try the latest sex toys, or the latest techniques, or whatever. Don't. That's not the point. What you need to do instead is build the other parts of your relationship. Work on your friendship, so that you feel companionable, and want to be together. Connect with each other on an emotional basis throughout the day and throughout the week. But most of all, work on your spiritual intimacy.

Spiritual intimacy and sexual intimacy are very closely linked. Often the times I feel the most amorous towards my husband are after we've prayed together. There is something about coming to God together that makes you want to really connect in other ways. And yes, I'm being serious! I know it's hard to think about God and sex in the same sentence, but He did make it and He does know what you're doing. So you don't have to be embarrassed!

Anyway, I think this has repercussions for how we handle sexual differences and difficulties. Sex is never the cause of anything; it is only the reflection of other problems. If you want to rebuild your relationship, don't focus on anything sexual. Focus instead on the spiritual.

Pray with your husband. If he doesn't want to pray with you, then at night, while you're lying in bed, put a hand on his head and whisper prayers. Read a Psalm out loud before you go to sleep. Read Song of Solomon together.

And if your problem in your marriage is that your husband seems distant to you in every way, work on your own relationship with God, too. You grow close to God, and go to Him with your very legitimate needs for sexual fulfillment and intimacy, and He will help you with those needs. And your husband will likely see the difference.

I truly believe the best thing a couple can do for their sex life is to do a Bible study together. I know it sounds insane, but I'm speaking from experience.

So what do you think? How do you build your spiritual intimacy, especially with a husband who doesn't feel like being a spiritual leader? I'd really like your insights!

Unfortunately, Mr. Linky isn't being reliable at the moment, so we'll have to leave links in the comments section. But if you want to participate in Wifey Wednesday, just write your own post on your blog, link back to here, and then come on over and write in the comments the link to your post. And then you'll build your own blog traffic!

Need more resources for your marriage? Here are some you may find helpful:

Light My Fire: Audio download on how to enhance the romance quotient in your marriage

Love Coupons: Increase the passion with these (non X-rated) coupons you can give your husband!

Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood

Wifey Wednesday: Complaint Free Week

2009-04-22T08:05:00.003-04:00

This is complaint free week, so let's talk about complaining in marriage!

What do you do when you're unhappy about something in the marriage? How do you bring it up in a constructive way?

The problem many of us have, I believe, is that we either nag our husbands or we sit in stony silence. Neither is productive. I believe firmly that we must accept our husbands as they are. We must love them as they are, in the same way we love our children unconditionally. But that doesn't mean we accept everything they do. And if there is something that is really bothering you, how do you bring it up in a way that works towards a solution?

Too often we complain to our husbands. That's going to backfire, baby. Men's biggest need, you see, is to feel competent. They want to know that we think they are capable of providing for the family and being a good father and husband. When we start judging their performance, they feel undermined, and they can retreat. So complaining not only is mean; it's also counterproductive.

Here's what I would suggest:

1. Before saying anything, check your heart. Don't do it out of anger for him; do it out of concern for the relationship.

2. When you do talk to him, own the problem. Don't say, "you make me so mad when you...". Say, "I feel uncomfortable when you..." It's a little thing, but then you're claiming the problem. And then together you can work on a solution.

3. Wait until you're both relaxed to bring it up. Having a weekly date night where you just connect and talk about the family and relationship is a great way to deal with some of these issues. If he doesn't seem excited about that idea, then you make it exciting! Feed the kids dinner first, and save your dinner with your husband until 8:00 or later after they go to bed. Make it into something that looks fun!

Those are tips about the timing and the way to bring something up. But let's look at some other tips on how to avoid problems in the first place, or minimize those that are already there.

I believe most problems in marriages, from sex to parenting to money, stem from the fact that the couple isn't connecting either on a friendship level or on a spiritual level. In other words, if you want to connect better sexually, work on the other two fist. So here are some more tips:

1. Be your hubby's friend. Find things you can do together that you enjoy. If you hate that he spends so much time at the computer or watching TV, then come up with other things that the family can do that are fun. Take a walk. Take up jogging. Play soccer in the park. Go biking. Whatever. Just do stuff together, and then you're more likely to laugh together.

2. Connect on a spiritual level. If he isn't praying with you, you can take the initiative and pray together before bed. Read the Psalms before you go to sleep, or even better, Song of Solomon. When you connect spiritually, a lot of the other problems disappear.

That's it! Tips on how to stop complaining and do something constructive in your marriage. Build up, don't break down.

And so we're on to Assignment 2 in Complaint Free Week: Find a way to carve out time in your marriage to talk about the relationship, so you won't feel so inclined to complain. Get creative! Make it fun! But make it regular. Think today about how you can do that in a way that he will enjoy it, too.

I can't put in a Mr. Linky because my blog can only display one at a time, and I want to leave the one for Complaint Free Week up. So if you have some marriage advice, we still want to hear it! But you'll have to put your link in the comments. Thanks so much!

My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, has a whole chapter on how to talk to your husband without nagging or complaining. It's a great one to check your attitude! And don't forget to click on Sheila's Store (just to your left). I've got the books I've written, plus a ton of other picks that will help your marriage!

Wifey Wednesday: How He Makes Me Feel Safe

2009-04-19T08:10:00.000-04:00

Usually in Wifey Wednesdays we talk problems. I name a common problem in a marriage, and then offer a possible solution.

Today I want to do something different. Tell me what you love about being married! Tell me how he makes you feel safe. Tell me how he helps you to share the burden.

I have a dear friend whose marriage is falling apart, and it's not primarily her fault. I won't go into the details, but you can trust me. Last week she had a big health scare, and she had to walk through it alone.

It just reminded me of some of the neat things about marriage. Even if your marriage isn't stellar; even if you're sometimes aggravated; even if you wonder if you're ever going to feel truly loved and accepted, I hope we can all agree that there are some wonderful things about being married. Even if one is that we don't have to walk through life alone.

I know many of you struggle, but today let's turn our hearts to gratitude. What do you appreciate about being able to share the load? What do you like most about having someone to lean on?

For me, I just like someone to talk to. Even if it's just while we lay in bed at night, or while I'm getting ready in the morning and he's in the shower, I like having someone who cares about my day and whom I can share frustrations with. It's a little thing, but it makes me feel wonderful to know that there is someone else who knows what's on my heart, who knows what's on my plate, and who cares. I'm not carrying it all alone.

What about you? Why not participate in Wifey Wednesday today? Just write your own post, put my Wifey Wednesday picture up on top of it, and then come on back here and enter the URL of your post in the Mr. Linky. Or you can just leave a comment, if you don't have your own blog! But let's talk gratitude today!

This week I'm also introducing people to me a little bit more, and one of the things I want to tell you about is some of the great resources I have. I speak quite a bit to women's groups and marriage groups, and many of those talks are available for download. Today, though, can I make a recommendation? If you and your husband are stuck in a rut, why not listen to our humorous "Light My Fire" talk that Keith and I gave together? It's all about how to reignite romance in your marriage. Download it here.

Wifey Wednesday: Made for Each Other

2009-04-15T08:05:00.003-04:00

Hello, everyone! And happy Wednesday!

This has been an exciting week at my house. My husband turned 40 yesterday, and on Saturday I threw him a huge surprise birthday party, complete with square dancing. Sounds geeky, but boy was it fun. My sister-in-law, who is not geeky at all, said that she had the time of her life.

Because we threw the big bash on Saturday we didn't do much yesterday on his actual birthday. It was more low-key, and we just talked. And it made me think of this column that I wrote a while back, which I'm going to publish here. I said to Keith yesterday that even though we're getting older, I'd rather be 40 than 30. We're closer now than we were then. We're becoming more like each other. We fit better. And in this column, I explain why:

In my marriage, I tend to be the one who wrecks the cars. Keith wrecks the laundry, but that doesn’t cost nearly as much. For a while there I seemed to have a string of issues needing little bumper touch ups, and the mechanic helpfully suggested that he could install those little floaty-things that boats use to the outside of our car. Keith thought this was hilarious. I did not.

Of course, Keith recently backed into a tree and shattered our van’s windshield, but since this was his one and only infraction in our whole marriage, we viewed it as an aberration rather than a pattern. So when he went to buy a new car this fall, he bought a standard. I can’t drive a standard. So I can’t drive his car. I’m still trying to figure out if there’s some hidden meaning there.

Keith and I have other differences, too. Keith has the “all the lights in the house must be turned off if not needed” gene. I’m missing that one. His idea of a relaxing afternoon is to actually relax. I like taking energetic bike rides. He likes war movies. I like Jane Austen. We’re a strange pair.

And yet, as celebrated our sixteenth anniversary just before Christmas, what most often occurs to me is how alike we’ve become. Who we are, I believe, is partly a function of who we grow to be as we walk, day to day, with those we love.
People who know me may be surprised by this, but I tend to be on the shy side. I didn’t speak outside of the house until I was seven. Today I make my living speaking at women’s events and retreats, often in front of large groups, which doesn’t bother me in the least. But parties, where I have to talk to one on one, are stressful. How do I keep the conversation going? I don’t find it natural at all.

It’s not natural for Keith, on the other hand, to shut up. And as we’ve been married, he’s taken me to so many parties that I’ve begun to open up. But he’s also started to quiet down. Had we not married, he might have been even more gregarious, and I may have become more introspective.

Or take food. I crave sweets, but not fat or salt. Keith, on the other hand, once drank a cup of bacon grease because someone dared him. I often have a craving for vegetables. Keith had to force himself to start eating them regularly. If Keith hadn’t married me, he’d likely be a lot heavier than he is right now. And I’d probably still never know wonderful real butter makes everything taste.

I’ve always loved to travel, and even before we were married I had seen a lot of the world, saving up my money from my jobs as a teen to tour around overseas. But my trips were confined to museums and tourist attractions. Keith, on the other hand, likes to get to know people. Over our years together we’ve ventured further abroad, most recently to Kenya. Within five minutes he knew our driver’s life story. The porter in our final hotel told him all about his education. Keith finds a way to draw out people I would never have normally talked to, and I’m gradually learning, too. If I had my initial instincts, we would have seen the world, but only from a distance. And if Keith had his, we never would have seen it at all.

Over the last sixteen years we have changed. I am not the same person who walked down that aisle, and he isn’t the same one who was waiting for me. I loved him dearly then, but I love him much more deeply now. I think we make a mistake when we search for that soul mate, the one person who completes us. The more I think about it, the more I think that we become each other’s soul mate. Just by being with each other, we change each other. It isn’t a matter of finding the perfect person as much as it is becoming the perfect couple. Compromise. Spend time together. Stretch yourself. You just may find that you’re becoming made for each other, after all.

So often we think that when our marriages don't work it means that we married the wrong person. And yet, I don't think there is a right person. I think you become the right person, the more you commit to each other and stick it out.

Change happens gradually, but it will happen more dramatically when we decide to let God set the agenda in our marriages, and not us. When we say, "God, whatever you want from me, I'll do it," rather than "God, we'd get along so much better if only you would change Bubba," then our marriages will blossom.

Next week I want to talk about specific strategies for that. But for today, I just want to leave you with this concept:

Marriages don't succeed because we marry the right person. They succeed when we become the right person.

More resources that may help you with this:
Thoughts on the nature of change in marriage, from To Love, Honor and Vacuum
My podcast on change in marriage
My book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, with lots on this very subject!

Now, do any of you have any marriage thoughts you'd like to share? They can be a question, a suggestion, or an insight. Write your own Wifey Wednesday post! Just post it on your blog and come back over here and enter the URL of your post in the Mr. Linky. And copy the picture at the top of this post, too, to make your post pretty! We look forward to reading it.

Wifey Wednesday: Watch What You Say

2009-04-08T07:41:00.004-04:00

Many of us women marry the potential inside our husbands. We don't marry our husbands.

We see what he can become if only he could see the light and be more like--ME!

One reason that marriages can run into trouble stems from women's attitudes. And women, perhaps more than men, are inclined to want to "improve" our husbands. We marry Husbands 3.1, but we want to get Husbands 7.2, to use the computer terminology. We want to upgrade, so we try to accomplish that ourselves.

I think it's because we tend to think that in many ways, we are the superior ones in the relationship. We understand our feelings. We can talk about them. Men can't, so they must either be shallow or in denial. We build relationships; men walk through them without really putting in effort. We're the ones that keep the marriage together. Therefore we are better.

What we miss, I believe, is men's contribution. We tend to value in others the things we value in ourselves, and we believe that relationships are the end all and be all, and since marriage is primarily a relationship, we believe we start out marriage on a much better footing than he does. So it's our job to help him catch up.

I really can't think of a better way to wreck a relationship than to keep up with that attitude, because such an attitude often results in quite destructive behaviour, though we may not realize it. We value talking and sharing; he values doing and living and accomplishing and yes, sex. Just because we value different things doesn't mean that he's wrong and we're right. It just means that we're different. And we have our own blind spots.

But when we try to "fix" him, we often drive him away. And what are some of the ways we fix him?

Watch what you say to your husbands. Do you nag? Do you tell him how he could shape up? Or do you simply teach him? So often we teach without realizing it.

For instance, he's playing with the baby on the floor, and you say, "You know, Johnny really likes it when you rub his tummy." You think you're improving the relationship between Daddy and Johnny, because you've given Daddy some insight that he didn't have. But what you're really saying it, "you're not playing with him right." Do that everytime he plays with Johnny, and you could drive a wedge between them. Not just that, but you say, "I am the parent who really knows how the kids work." Not good for family relationships.

And we do it in all kinds of other areas, too. Dishes. Fixing the house. Talking to friends. Jobs. We're always offering helpful suggestions.

What's wrong with being helpful? It gives the impression that we don't think they're competent, and men's biggest need is to be seen as competent and capable.

You may not mean it that way, but you're subtly saying, "I can manage this better than you can." Now, when it comes to little Johnny, you may legitimately want to tell him that Johnny likes his tummy tickled. That's not a problem. But say it while you're eating dinner, or while you're going for a walk. Just share it with him. When you say it while he's playing with the kid, it sounds like you're trying to improve on what your husband is doing, rather than just sharing information.

I know this sounds like semantics, and some women can get ticked at such advice, saying, "But I want to be able to share everything with my husband, and now you're telling me I have to watch what I say." Yes, I am. And I don't apologize for it.

It may take a little while to get used to, but the important thing is not to train your mouth as it is to train your brain. Stop trying to be helpful to him, and instead look at what he's doing. He just simply has a different approach. If you watched him playing with Johnny, for instance, you may notice that he got Johnny to laugh in a way you never have. That's great. He's builing his own relationship. So if you start watching, instead of just itching to turn your husband into YOU, then you'll find that you have a different attitude.

No, he won't always do everything as well as you do. But you don't do everything as well as he does, either. Accept that, and instead appreciate him for what he does do. You'll find that attitude change makes a major difference in your marriage!

In the book To Love, Honor and Vacuum, I have a whole chapter on how to watch how we talk to our husbands, and how we can say things in ways that push his buttons, without even realizing it. It's a really helpful resource:

Now, do you have any marriage advice you can share? Or any problems you'd like advice about? Just copy the picture at the top and write your own Wifey Wednesday post on your blog! Then come back here and enter your URL in the Mr. Linky. We'd love to hear from you!

Wifey Wednesday: Some Sobering Thoughts

2009-04-01T09:01:00.004-04:00

I write here every week on marriage. I talk at marriage conferences at marriage. I really think that the only way our country and our communities will be turned around is by families sticking it out and deciding to love each other. And that's my primary calling in this life: giving people the resources and encouragement to work on their marriage, while pointing them to the One who can help.

But every now and then I know there are marriages that cannot survive in their current form, and I don't want people to think that I'm telling you that you have to stick to it, no matter what. I'm quite aware that for some people, that may not be a good or even godly decision. So I'd like to just address some of those really hard issues right now.

If your husband is abusive towards you or the children, you have to get out. That doesn't mean the marriage is necessarily over; perhaps God can change him significantly and reconciliation in the future may be possible. But that would have to be a long road, after he had counseling, and had made major changes. And you would have to have partners who would hold him and you accountable to make sure it didn't happen again. I think this is the exception rather than the rule. Abusive husbands are dangerous, and to say that we should stay is just not right.

I also had a friend who had to leave a marriage because her husband was addicted to gambling, and would gamble all their money away. She had no choice if she wanted to provide a stable upbringing for her children, where they could be assured of having money for food.

Addictions of any kind are dangerous. Addictions to alcohol, drugs, or pornography can also destroy a marriage. And affairs are serious. If your husband has had affairs, or is a compulsive pornography user, you may have to get out.

You are not, however, alone. God, I believe, is especially close to those who are broken hearted and betrayed, and He gives you strength you never knew you had. Leaving a relationship like this can be so difficult, especially as a Christian, because chances are you've been covering for him with everyone for years. The kids don't know there are problems; your parents don't know there are problems; your friends think everything is fine. And then you leave, and it's as if you've dropped a bomb. But if it's the right decision, you don't need to feel guilty. If God is leading you in that direction, He will help and He will pave the way.

But separating yourself from your husband does not mean the marriage is necessarily over. Sometimes you need to take drastic action to help him see the consequences of his actions.

The absolute best book on this is Love Must be Tough by James Dobson.

In it, he talks directly to spouses, and especially women, who want their marriages saved, but their husbands are destroying the marriage by their actions. And he shows them that staying in the marriage and the house, trying to woo him back and change his behaviour, will surely backfire. Instead, if the infraction is big enough, you have to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. And in taking these steps, you precipitate a crisis, making it more likely that he will address his issues.

So let's keep this in perspective. If you're mad at your husband and he's been drunk once, that doesn't mean he's an alcoholic and you have to leave. If he was caught with pornography once, and he's agreed to parental controls on the computer, you don't necessarily have to get out. But if these things have been continuous, ongoing, and growing worse, you may have to take action.

God wants marriages saved. But He doesn't want you abused or put in a dangerous situation. He doesn't want your kids hurt. And He doesn't want infidelity.

I hope nobody reading this post needs Dobson's book, but I know there are some who do. My prayers are with you as you navigate this most difficult time in your life. And always remember, you are not alone.

Have any marriage advice you want to share? Why not contribute to Wifey Wednesday? Go to your own blog, write a post, and then come back here and enter the URL in the Mr. Linky below!

Wifey Wednesday: Don't Hide Your Gifts Under a Bushel!

2009-03-25T08:03:00.005-04:00

Last Friday I was on 100 Huntley Street, a Christian television program that airs across Canada and in parts of the U.S. Here's a picture from that show. I'm the one in the fuchsia blouse:

Anyway, we were talking about "Gender or Giftedness"? The question was, "what should determine what gifts women exercise: their gender or their giftedness?" That's a loaded question. We didn't really get into roles in ministry so much as this idea that the division between men and women is really a result of the fall. And God equips women to do amazing things. Wherever we're planted, whether it's in our families, or in the workplace, or in the church, we need to exercise the gifts that God has given us. That may look different in different denominations, but God wants to use women.

That got me thinking quite a bit about marriage, and that's what I want to talk about today: how gifts interact with marriage.

A few years ago I was leading a women's Bible study where we were working our way through the book of Acts. We were looking at some of the women who were amazing teachers and leaders. And many of the women in my study said something along these lines, "I'd love to do more in my family. I'd love to have devotions after dinner, and memorize verses together, and serve together, but my husband won't take the initiative. So it doesn't get done."

Now, for those of you who aren't Christian, bear with me for a moment, because I think what I'm going to say relates to all of us. But the point I want to make here is that many times we women use our husbands lack of interest as an excuse not to do important things in the family.

My husband and I are both gifted teachers, but I'm better with smaller children than he is. To say that he has to be the one to tell stories about God--or anything--to the children would be silly. Most women are more effective prayer warriors than their husbands, according to surveys. To say that we can't pray for our families out loud unless our husbands lead it only hurts the family.

I know some may disagree with me, but I truly don't think this is a matter of roles. God has called us to raise godly families. If our husbands are not helping in that endeavour, that does not get you off the hook. You have a brain. You have a mouth. You need to use them!

And this doesn't only apply to spiritual matters. Let's say that you want to get the kids to stop watching so much television, but your husband doesn't really care. Or let's say that you want to get the kids exercising more, but he's not interested. Does that mean that you let the kids continue to be couch potatoes, even though you know that's bad for them?

There is a balance, of course. If you take over all parenting responsibilities, leaving him with nothing, it's easy to shut him out. You certainly don't want to do that. You always want to leave room for him to join you. But don't abandon the project altogether simply because he's not on board. If it's important to do, it's important to do.

So let's look at some strategies together.

If you want to read Scripture with the kids, and he couldn't care less, then can you do it when he's not home? Can you carve out time right after the kids come home from school, or after breakfast before they go to school? Can you do memory verses in the morning? I know people say the best time is at the dinner table, but you also want the dinner time to be for your husband, too. So try to get creative!

The other thought is that many men don't want to "do devotions" after dinner because it seems boring and they don't know how to lead it. I mean, what does "do devotions" mean, anyway? But there are some wonderful books and internet resources on family devotions. If you pick something like that up, and if it includes games and quizzes and even jokes you can read together, he may see that it's not a big deal. Get the book out in the middle of dinner and suggest you read it together. Start with a particularly fun one. And then suggest that you all take turns, so that your husband has his turn, too.

And what about the television issue, or the exercise issue? Again, many men aren't on board because television is what they do after dinner. Why take that away? But isn't that the point? Nobody wants something TAKEN AWAY. It's much better to ADD. So if your husband wants to watch TV, and your kids want to play on the computer, and you want them to play outside, then instead of saying "shut off the TV", how about buying some second hand bikes and suggesting everyone go for a bike ride? Or buying a soccer ball and suggesting everyone head to a local park?

You can take the initiative without setting down rules that your husband has to follow. You can change the family dynamic without turning it into a big production. Just do it. Don't hide behind your husband, saying, "well, since he doesn't want to do it, I can't". That's not true. If it's important, it's important. Use your brain power to figure out how to make the changes you want to see in your family as fun as possible for all concerned. And you just may find that they start to get on board--even your husband!

Now, do you have any marriage advice you want to share? It can be about anything, but if you have any suggestions about how to get your husband on board to important family changes, I'd especially like to hear that! Just go to your own blog and write a Wifey Wednesday blog post! You can copy the picture at the top of this post and use it, too. Then come back here and enter your URL. Looking foward to reading it!

I talk a lot about this issue of creating the right environment in our families in To Love, Honor and Vacuum: When you feel more like a maid than a wife and a mother. Find out more about that book here.

Wifey Wednesday: Carelessness is not an Option

2009-03-18T08:14:00.000-04:00

Does God make a difference in your marriage?

Now, before you say, "Of course He does!", and murmur all the Christian platitudes, just take a step back for a moment and let me talk.

The divorce rate among Christians in most parts of the country and in Canada is actually lower than the general population--significantly lower. Unfortunately, in the Bible belt in the U.S. it's a tad higher, which is the statistic that is often mentioned when we talk about Christians and marriage.

So for most of us, God does make a difference.

But our divorce rate is nowhere near 0. Just because it's not 30%, like the rest of the world (it's not 50%; that's a false statistic, too), doesn't mean that we should rejoice at 22% or even 18%. That's still high.

And I'm extremely troubled by that. I see so many of my friends who go to church, and who honestly do believe, but God doesn't seem to come into their lives in other ways--what movies they watch, how they spend their time, how they spend their money, how they raise their kids. They've simply blended into the culture.

I have to, in many ways. We all have. But my husband and I decided early in our marriage that we would be intentional. We would not let the culture take us over. While we're far from perfect (we sure could stand to pray a lot more than we do), we at least talk about it and wrestle with how to bring God into our marriage and our family.

I had some really bad news this week. A couple I love dearly have split up. Now there are good reasons, though I'm not fully apprised of them, and in their situation this sounds like the prudent course. I won't elaborate more than that, but let me just say that sometimes separation is necessary.

From the little I do know, though, it sounds like one partner in the marriage has let culture infiltrate too much into his/her thought processes, so much so that his/her morality has been seriously compromised. I'm sorry for being so vague, but I don't want to betray any confidences.

And this is happening all over the place! I know another marriage that split up because he had an affair. This man ran a praise team. He stood with his wife while she went through cancer treatment. And then he left her anyway, when she was already feeling ugly and unattractive. And now he's trying to get out of paying child support; this, a man who has written praise songs that are still played on our Christian radio station.

We all know stories like that, don't we? And chances are, the first thing in your mind is, "I thought they were such a great couple! What happened?"

Maybe they were a great couple. But even great couples can fall apart if the marriage isn't tended well.

Think about all the things that work against marriages today. How many marriages do we know have been destroyed by pornography? Pornography is now implicated in the majority of divorces. It is not harmless. It is not something "fun" that adds "spice" to your marriage. It is poisonous, and it ensnares people, especially men. It lowers their sex drive, eats at their soul, and consumes their time. And what are we doing about it?

All addictions--workaholism, affairs, pornography, alcohol--could be avoided if we all simply were intentional in our marriages. If we decided from the outset that we would limit the computer, that we would always have dinner together, that we would spent time each night connecting, that we would put our time with our spouse as a priority, even before our kids, maybe our marriages would last.

One partner can never completely save a marriage. The other needs to agree too, and if your spouse has deserted you or cheated on you, that is not your fault. I am not blaming you.

But at the same time, carelessness is not an option. If your marriage is going well right now, don't assume it will always be like this. Develop habits so that the things that can drive us apart don't start taking over our marriages. We need to be vigilant. Never assume that you're the one couple that this stuff will never hit. Never assume that your husband would never look at pornography, or that you will never be tempted to have an affair. Instead, take steps now to make sure that this won't happen.

Every marriage break up is like the death of a small civilization. It hurts the kids, it hurts ourselves, it hurts our families.

Please take steps to make sure it doesn't happen to you. None of us is invincible.

What do you think? How have you put hedges around your marriage? How do you deal with the pornography threat? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post, and then come back here and enter your URL in the Mr. Linky. I'd love to keep this discussion going!

Wifey Wednesday: Spending Time Together

2009-03-11T08:13:00.002-04:00

Hi everybody! Thanks for joining me for Wifey Wednesday, the signature post on this To Love, Honor and Vacuum blog. And this happens to be my 600th post! Woo hoo!

Anyway, today I thought I'd tell you the story of two friends of mine that we'll call Bob and Sue.

Bob and Sue married young and had children immediately. They were a busy couple, trying to establish a home for their kids. And everything revolved around the kids. They needed extra money, since Bob was still in a training program, and wasn't likely to make a decent salary for several years. So Sue worked, but she always worked opposite Bob, in shift work, so that they didn't need a baby-sitter. They didn't want to spend the money, and they wanted to raise their own kids.

After a few years the routine became, well, routine. Nobody really questioned it anymore. The kids rarely saw both parents together, because they were rarely together. They didn't have weekends together. One or the other was always working.

Bob and Sue just stopped doing things as a couple. They did things with other couples, or with extended family, like playing cards or having parties, but they rarely did things just the two of them.

So it was hardly surprising when Sue found greener pastures elsewhere (which, in retrospect, didn't turn out so green).

Now in this particular case, it was mostly Sue's choice to never be home with Bob. I actually know Bob well and don't want to lay much of the blame at his feet. But I want to talk about a few lessons from their failed relationship.

1. The marriage comes first, not the kids. They were so focused on not getting baby-sitting that they ended up not having a marriage. It is very, very dangerous to work for years on end on opposite shifts. Sometimes it may be necessary, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say something I would very rarely say: it is better to get baby-sitting a few days a week and work at the same time as your husband than to never see your husband. I'm not in favour of baby-sitting or daycare, but it doesn't help your kids if you lose your marriage so you can be home with them. What kids need is married parents.

2. Money is not the be all and end all. Sue worked largely for luxuries: a bigger house, more DVDs and electronics for the kids, toys, etc. Live in a smaller house with fewer things but make your own fun with your hubby. That's a far richer life.

3. Find time to be together. That's a tough one, and I've talked to women who say, "the only time we have is in the evenings after the kids go to bed, and then he just wants to veg in front of the TV". Tis a problem. But you have to remind yourselves why you're together in the first place.

So what are some inexpensive date ideas?

1. Feed the kids a quick dinner, put them in front of a movie, and then put them to bed early. You eat dinner with your husband later, by candlelight.

2. Go for walks after dinner so you can talk with your hubby while the kids play in the park. Perfect for the coming spring!

3. If you live near waterfront, take a drive down there with the family. While the kids skip stones, you can sit hand in hand with him.

4. Trade baby-sitting with a friend once a month so you get to honestly go out! And if you don't have the money, have her take the kids to her house and you buy some yummy frozen dinners you can cook quickly at home, and eat at home with him. Have a date at home without the kids!

5. If the kids are in school, meet up for lunch. Sometimes that's easier than dinner!

What about you? How do you keep your relationship alive? How do you find time for each other? Share with us, either in the comments or in the Mr. Linky.

To join Wifey Wednesday, just go to your own blog and write a Wifey Wednesday post (you can right click the picture to save it and use it). Then come back here and enter the URL of your post in the Mr. Linky!

Wifey Wednesday - WFMW: Turning Up the Heat

2009-03-04T07:56:00.005-05:00

I'm cheating a little bit this morning. I'm combining Wifey Wednesday with Works for Me Wednesday, because they're in the same category.

I've been talking a lot lately about how we women can increase our libidos. I've even written a book about how to turn up the heat. (Now some of you have the opposite problem: he's the one with the headache. I'll tackle that one soon, too!).

And I want to talk today about a method that sounds a little edgy, and maybe even a little scary, but believe me, it can work.

One of the problems we women have is that for us, sex is in our heads. We're not usually aroused on our own in the way men are. We have to be thinking about it, and meditating on it, and feeling close to him first. Our bodies follow our heads; for him, his head often follows his body.

What that means is that we are often plagued with indecision. We're lying in bed, wondering if we should tonight. "Am I in the mood?", we incessantly ask ourselves. We don't want to start if we're not, but on the other hand, it's been a while since we did. I really should. But that's not a good reason, is it? And does he expect it? I'm not sure. Can I get in the mood? How do I know? I wonder if he's asleep yet.

Have you ever had nights like that? The funny thing is that if we just DECIDED early in the day that we were going to have fun tonight, and we started deliberately feeding those thoughts to ourselves, and then we threw ourselves into it, our bodies probably would follow. Maybe not for you if sex still hasn't felt good (and if that's the case for you, I recommend this post), but for many of us it's not that sex isn't good; it's that sleep is better.

Unfortunately, that doesn't help our marriage. When I was writing Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, I talked to a woman who was in exactly this position. She realized her marriage wasn't as strong as it could be because their sex life wasn't great, but she didn't know how to increase her libido. So one birthday she presented her husband with twelve sex coupons that he could use, one a month, when he was especially desperate. That way she promised that they would have a fun time, and she would throw herself into it, and he didn't have to worry about living in a sexual black hole.

It worked like a charm. And what she found was that when the decision was taken away from her (not by force, of course, but by giving him some control), she was able to enjoy herself more because she didn't put herself through all that rigamorale about "am I in the mood"?

I took that to heart, and I created coupons that we can use, too. They're not X rated, but they are fun, and if you want to try it, just go here!

If that's a little too scary, don't worry about it. But I challenge you to think about this: are you the one who always decides when to make love? Even if he initiates, are you the one who always says "yes" or "no"? That's not a good place to be in, because he can start to feel like he has no control in an area of his life which is really important to him. So how about this? Decide that over the next week, you will say yes, or better yet, even initiate, even if you're not particularly in the mood. Throw yourself in it for him. I'm not talking about placating him; I'm talking about deciding to have fun. We do have control over our minds, so let's start thinking positive thoughts about it. And if he feels more loved, then your marriage really will improve!

Click here for your love coupons!

Now, what about you? Do you have an advice you'd like to share with us about marriage? It can be about anything! Just go to your own blog and write a post, and then leave the URL in the Mr. Linky!

Wifey Wednesday: Where do you go for help?

2009-02-25T07:52:00.002-05:00

We get married with stars in our eyes, expecting everything to be great. But then something happens: we have issues with sex; we don't see eye to eye on kids; we don't feel loved.

And where do we turn for help? When a couple honestly needs help, or a wife honestly needs advice, what do you do?

Part of the problem in the church is that marriage is SO revered that it's hard to admit you're having problems. If you fail at marriage, you fail at The Big One, so to speak, and so it's hard to speak up. I don't think most pastors would mind or would judge you if you came in for advice, though. Nor would most older women. But it's this idea that we have that often stops us.

Or maybe you go to the other extreme. You talk to everyone about your problems. Not a good idea. First, you're really betraying confidences with your husband. And second, you don't know how many people those women are going to tell. People may start seeing your husband differently, because they're only hearing one side of the story.

If you absolutely must pray and talk to someone (and periodically we all do), pick one person with your husband's approval, and have him pick one person. And make sure that person will keep it confidential! My husband has had a mentoring relationship with a man fifteen years his senior for a few years now. They go out for breakfast once a month, and I honestly don't know what they talk about. I'm pretty sure that they talk about their marriages, but I'm fine with that. He's a mature Christian, and I absolutely trust his opinion.

Do you have that older woman you can talk to? For many of us, the internet seems to fulfill that need, because we can ask questions, and we can even pray with people online. But we still need the face to face help every now and then. It's not always because we're having a big crisis. Sometimes it's just a reality check. There's a woman I like to call when I'm wondering if I'm really right, or if I'm just being selfish. I need someone to bounce something off of. It's not that our marriage is at stake; not at all. But sometimes you just need that listening ear.

This is biblical, too! The older women are supposed to help the younger women figure out how to love their husbands. So find an older woman you can talk to, and call on her for advice. Most women would love to be a mentor!

But what do you do if your questions are of a more personal--ahem--nature? I mean, what if you're having an issue in the area of sex that you just can't share with anyone? It's a burning question, and you really want the answer to it, or at least someone else's opinion, but you just can't ask it in your circles?

Well, I get a bunch of questions coming through my email and from marriage conferences and teleseminars I do. I think there's a pent up demand for real Christian advice in this area, and anonymous, when it comes to sex questions, is usually the way to go!

So I've decided to write an ebook called "Sex Questions You're Afraid to Ask Your Pastor". I've set up some web forms where you can enter your questions anonymously, and a different one where you can enter your email so that you can be notified when the questions are all answered!

Do you have a question you really want answered? It doesn't matter how X-rated or risquee it is. I think we as Christians especially need to be able to talk about these things. I'm not God, and my word isn't gospel. But I've spent a lot of time studying and counseling in this area, and I'll give all questions my prayerful answers.

If you have questions you want answered, just go here to enter them. I've got a bunch already, but I'd love to have more! And I really do want to help those of you who just don't know where to turn.

And now, do you have any challenges for us as wives today? Do you have advice you want to leave us with? How do you find a mentor, and what do you do when you need to talk to someone? We'd love to know! Just write your own post on your blog and then come back here and leave the URL in the Mr. Linky!

Wifey Wednesday: How Important is Caring for Yourself?

2009-02-18T07:00:00.000-05:00

Are you an introvert or an extravert?

If you're the life of the party, you may automatically say you're an extravert. But that's not necessarily true. An introvert is someone who gets energy from being by themselves. They process things internally, and usually don't speak until they've made up their minds about something.

An extravert, on the other hand, processes things by speaking. They need to talk it through. They get their energy from being with other people. So if they have a big decision to make, they call five friends and talk about it. An introvert may call a bunch of friends, too, but only after she's already thought it through.

Now here's where this comes into play in a marriage. If you're an introvert, chances are you need time just to be by yourself in order to stay emotionally healthy. I'm actually an extravert, but barely. I need that time to myself, too.

I've been on vacation for a week with my family, and it's been great. But we're leaving in about five hours and what I really really want to do right now is take a walk on the beach by myself. I haven't been by myself for a week! But the family often interprets that as me being depressed (which I'm not) or me rejecting them (which I'm not). So I have to sit down and explain I just need some thinking and praying time. And I will do that as soon as I've posted this!

But in the meantime, even extraverts may need time to themselves, especially with small children. And if we don't get that time, then when our husbands want us to be available for them we can become quite resentful. They're stealing the only time we have for ourselves! And then they expect us to be there for them! How selfish!

You see how this can become a big problem? He just wants to connect, and there's nothing wrong with that. And you want to connect, too, but you first need some time to replenish your batteries. He experiences that as rejection.

So, ladies, what's the answer? Today on Wifey Wednesday, let's share what we do for ourselves so that we're not exhausted, and we feel rejuvenated.

Personally, I do two things: I knit, and I take baths. I love baths. They give me some thinking and planning time which I desperately need (I often take a piece of paper and pen in the bath with me. They get soggy, but they do the job). And I knit to ground me.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions for us as to how to find time to ourselves? And how important is it? Let's talk about it!

(I'm hoping the Mr. Linky shows up. I'm writing this a day ahead and posting it tomorrow, so hopefully it will. But if it doesn't, just leave your link in the comments! And by next week I'll have the Mr. Linky thing solved!)

Wifey Wednesday: Knowing His Love Language

2009-02-11T07:00:00.002-05:00

Last week, during my online party for Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight, I started a bunch of conversations both here and on Twitter and Facebook.

And one thing that kept coming up was love languages.

So my question to you today is: Do you know your husband's love language?

For those of you who don't have a clue what we're talking about, let me explain. We all tend to want to receive love in a certain kind of way. We have preferences that determine whether or not something says "I love you". The five possible love languages are:

1. Touch
2. Time
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Gifts of Service (doing something for someone).

Before you can figure out what your husband's love language is, it's good to figure out what yours is. Here's why: we tend to give love in the same way that we want to receive it. So if you're a huggy bear, chances are you hug everyone in sight, and want them to do the same for you.

So perhaps you're hugging your husband all the time, and you feel like therefore you are showing him love. So why isn't he reciprocating? What is wrong with him?

What may be going on, though, is that he may not be receiving it as love. He may even find it a mild irritant. So we need to know what makes his clock tick, and be aware of where we may be tempted to love in a way that he doesn't necessarily understand.

It took me a long time to figure out my own love language. I always thought it was touch, because I love being hugged. But I think that's something that's common to a lot of women. What really speaks to my heart, though, are words of affirmation. When he tells me that he thinks I'm beautiful, or he likes my writing, or he thinks I'm a great mother, that does wonders for me.

It turns out that his is the same thing, but I didn't realize that, either. I always thought it was touch, because men seem so interested in--well, you know. But he needs to hear words of affirmation, too.

When we were first married, though, the words that I said to him didn't necessarily affirm him. I was constantly saying, "I love you", or "I think you're a great husband", or later on, "you're such a great dad".

But one day, when we were talking, he got exasperated with me and said, "but why do you love me? Why do you think I'm a great husband?" What he needed was not just to know my thoughts, but to know what lay behind them. When I started to say, "you're such a great dad with the way you play with the kids," or "Rebecca just loves the way you take time to listen to her," he felt affirmed.

He needed to hear the why, and not just the what. I've now learned that when he's really down, it's even more important to say these things.

I have a friend whose husband love language is gifts. He just loves choosing the perfect gift for people. He loves giving more than receiving. But she couldn't care less about gifts, so she doesn't put the same kind of effort into it. When he gives her something incredible for Christmas, she likes it, but she's not in heaven or anything. But when she just gives him a gift card to a favourite store, he's devastated. It says to him, "you weren't worth putting any thought into this year."

So she's learned now to think carefully about gifts for him, and to start studying him to find out what would be a good gift. It goes against her natural bent, but she's had to learn so that he can feel loved.

If you're not sure of your husband's love language, why not read The Five Love Languages? You can even read it together for Valentine's Day. But this year, try to speak his language!

Now, you may be thinking: why should I speak his if he doesn't speak mine? But let's remember that marriage is not about manipulating him into doing what we want. It's about learning how to love. And ironically, often the best way to get our own needs met is to meet his! That doesn't mean that we meet his needs in order to get him to do something; it's just that when we act in a selfless way, and show love to him, he feels appreciated. He feels valued. He feels loved. And when he feels loved, he's more likely to reach out to you, too.

But even if he doesn't, you are still acting in a loving manner, and learning how to serve. And that pays dividends all on its own!

Now, do you have some marriage advice you want to share? Have you had an interesting time working out your love languages? Why not join us for this discussion? Just leave your link in the comments below!

Wifey Wednesday: Blog Scavenger Hunt!

2009-02-04T11:15:00.001-05:00

Today, for Wifey Wednesday, we're going to party!

It's party day for my book, Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight: Help for women who want to feel more in the mood! When you order it today you get a whole pile of free gifts!

So today, we're going to do something different. A bunch of my internet buddies have volunteered to do Blog Scavenger Hunts for me this morning, and I'm so grateful! They've left their own insights on marriage and you-know-what!

If you go through these blogs, and collect all their secret words, you can then follow the instructions to submit the phrase they make into my ballot!

The winner will get a copy of my book Reality Check, and an audio download of my talk "Protect Your Marriage". It's fun!

First Stop: Mrs. Juice Box

Second Stop: Home Sweet Home

Third Stop: Multi Tasking Mama

Fourth Stop: Mother Inferior
Fifth Stop: Grace Comes by Hearing

Each blog will direct you to the next one, so you don't actually have to keep stopping by here! But I've listed them all in case there are some problems.

Then just follow the directions to fill out the ballot!

The winner will be announced right here a 10 p.m.!

Now, does anyone else have marriage thoughts they want to share on Wifey Wednesday? You can do it in the Mr. Linky below!

Wifey Wednesday: Helping Your Husband Feel Strong

2009-01-28T08:13:00.003-05:00

Last weekend my husband and I flew out to Vancouver for a conference with Family Life Canada. We speak with the around the country at marriage conferences, and this was our staff retreat.

Loads of fun and loads of laughs, but one of the nuggets I gleaned from the time together was from a marriage talk on how to communicate better.

I know I've been talking about sex a lot here on Wifey Wednesdays lately (and next week is my HUGE party for Honey, I Don't Have a Headache Tonight), but I want to take just a minute and talk about something else today.

Here's the gist: men like to feel like they know what they are doing. If they feel like they're not competent, they'll move on to another thing. So if you're always nagging your husband to fix something around the house, and then you berate him for not doing it right, he will rarely fix anything ever again. He doesn't like to fail. Get it?

Or if he takes you out to dinner, but he chooses the wrong restaurant, don't let him know that right away. You'll chase him off planning dates again. He doesn't want to fail.

But he does like to feel competent! So spend some time with your husband in areas that he feels confident, because then it's like you've entered his favourite world. He will feel so affirmed and so connected to you, in the same way you would if he sat down and talked to you for hours just about how you're feeling.

Here's how it works. My husband loves history, and especially military history. He knows everything about the Pelopenesian Wars (I know that's spelled wrong), or the civil war, or the Seven Years War, or anything about war in modern history. He and friends play out war games. He reads war stuff. He lives and breathes it.

But it doesn't really interest me. So I have two choices. I can ignore it altogether, and let him do his little thing, but then when we get together insist that we talk about something important, or every now and then, when we're out walking, I can ask him a question about a battle. And then suddenly, this man who wasn't talking a lot before, will open up with a stream of information.

And he'll feel very affirmed, because I have asked about something where he can teach me. And if I try really hard, I can see that it really is interesting.

One of the mistakes that women often make is to leave their husbands hobbies as if these have no relevance for them. They're just something that the men do on their own, and we have to humour them. But that's not true. They're something that excites our husbands. It's something they think about deeply in their inner world. And don't you want to share that?

Now I'm not saying that you have to actually participate. If your husband plays poker with the guys every Friday night, he probably doesn't want you there. My husband has fun with his friends playing his games, and I would wreck the dynamic. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't want me to be interested.

Women talk more than men do, and so we often determine the subjects that are open for discussion in our marriages. Don't leave his hobbies out. Maybe it's his work that he loves to talk about. Maybe it's computers. Whatever he loves doing, enter that part of his life. Just listen. And afterwards, he'll probably feel much closer to you because you've shared something precious to him.

Tonight, what are you going to talk about? What does your husband love? Ask him something about it. Let him share it. And see what happens!

Don't forget about my party next week for Wifey Wednesday! I'll have a blog scavenger hunt, a teleseminar, a Twitter party, and more! Find out more here!

Do you have any marriage thoughts for us today? Why not write a post on your own blog, and then come back here and link to it in Mr. Linky!