To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Wifey Wednesday: Beautifully Imperfect

2011-09-14T07:12:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I saw this beautiful video recently, and I think it speaks for itself. Just watch it, and then tell me: how is your husband beautifully imperfect?

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: 3 Reasons Sex Matters in Your Marriage (Especially if you are still parenting kids!)

2011-08-31T07:06:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! I've been running some guest posts for Wifey Wednesday this summer as I've been taking some vacation, and today I'm thrilled to welcome my friend Julie Sibert, from Intimacy in Marriage.

I told my 6-year-old that daddy and I would be going on a date the next day. I asked him, "Do you know what a date is?"

Our son smiled and said, "Yeah, that's when a mommy and daddy get together and kiss."

His innocent explanation made me feel good not only as a wife, but also as a parent. For all of my missteps as a mom (trust me – there are pa-lenty), I at some point managed to convey to my child that my alone time with his dad was positive.

I know many of you may be thinking, "Time alone as couple? What's that?!"

If you are like a lot of married folk, the moment you walked in the door with your first baby, your quality time as a couple was on its way out.

And what about sex?

In many marriages, sex takes such a long hiatus that little or no sex becomes the status quo. But sex does matter in a marriage. At least it should.

Here are three reasons to ponder, especially if you are still in the midst of raising kids:

1. Sex keeps "mommy martyrdom" at bay.

None of us really likes to admit we are even susceptible to mommy martyrdom. We vow we won't be one of those moms who finds her entire identity wrapped up in her kids. Then we become a mom.

Before long, as we are schlepping juice boxes onto the grocery checkout belt, the housekeeping magazines taunt us. They scream at us with their insanely creative cupcakes and their impeccably decorated (and clean!) family rooms.

Never mind that no one we have ever known has a house that looks like the inside spread of Good Housekeeping. Common sense tells us that such lofty ambitions are highly improbable. But we still get sucked in.

We fall victim to the lie that homemade snacks for every school event, picture-perfect holidays and $8,000 swing sets are what make someone a good mom.

What your kids need more than perfectly organized sock drawers and flawless birthday parties is a mom who is in love with their dad. Nurtured sexual intimacy with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your kids.

They may never thank you for the ways you make your marriage a priority – they may even roll their eyes when you give your husband a playful peck on the lips – but deep down, they hunger for that kind of security (which can't be replicated in a homemade batch of cookies).

2. Sex is one way to show you meant what you said at the altar.

I don't want to be one of those people who oversimplifies something by eloquently quoting scripture (because people like that annoy me).

I do, though, believe that we too easily forget that what makes marriage different from other relationships is that God established it as a covenant. We get caught up in the feeling that fills the air when a bride and groom speak their marriage vows.

But promises of one flesh were never meant to find their footing in a feeling. Within those promises are huge spiritual, emotional and physical implications that require of us the deepest commitment and afford us the greatest of rewards.

God never refers to sex as optional for married couples. If anything, He goes to great lengths to expound on what a gift it is for a married couple to enjoy often.

Long after your guests have eaten all the wedding cake and your wedding album is gathering dust on the bookshelf, what you live within daily is the covenant of marriage. You don't live in the wedding. You live in the covenant.

Sex is part of that covenant. When you make love to your husband, you once again are saying, "I still choose you."

3. Sex is a great stress reliever.

As a mom, your days are consumed with stepping on Legos, getting formula stains out of clothing and taming an overstuffed calendar. Do you really want to spend your nights that way too?

You need a break girlfriend.

I can hear you lamenting right now, "I know! I want my break to be sleep, not sex."

Certainly I recognize that if you are in the throes of parenting, you may be craving a good night's sleep more than anything else. Sleep seems like the only thing that will help you gain your bearings.

But don't bench sex quite yet. It still has a place on the playing field when it comes to keeping you and your husband on the same page and boosting your general well being. Some day those kiddos are going to grow up and move away. Don't you want to arrive at that point with a spouse you still know and a marriage you still treasure?

No matter where you are in your parenting journey, make the intentional effort to carve out time for sex. The more you relax and allow yourself to enjoy sexual pleasure with your husband, the more likely you will be to make it a priority.

Truth be told, an orgasm is one of the best stress relievers around. Remember how great orgasm feels? (If not, check out this post by Sheila Gregoire over on my site).

Certainly there are more than three reasons that sex matters in marriage. But if you are a mom struggling with nurturing this aspect of your marriage, these three are a good place to start.

Julie Sibert writes and speaks on sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband, their two boys and one German Shorthair Pointer dog who refuses to stay in the fence.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: How to Keep Your Self-Respect

2011-08-24T07:03:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Ever feel like a doormat?

photo © 2011 Florian Plag | more info (via: Wylio)

Too many of us allow us to become doormats in our marriages.

I sometimes read Dalrock's blog on marriage. He's not writing from a Christian point of view, but he is very interested in marriage and in keeping marriages together, and as such he frequently comments on how today's culture works to undermine marriage.

In particular, he highlights how often women become "unhappy" because they expect men to meet all of their needs. In one recent post, he was commenting on a study of marriages where women felt this way. He quotes the research:

Langley reports that she interviewed just two men who responded effectively to the challenge of their wives’ disloyalty.

The first man took the initiative and filed for divorce after his wife expressed on several occasions that she was unhappy and considering a separation. Before the divorce was final, his wife was trying to reconcile, but he chose not to because of her [lack of interest] in working on the marriage prior to his filing for divorce.

The second case was a man in a second marriage who had made all the usual mistakes the first time around but, unlike most husbands, managed to learn from the experience. As soon as his second wife started talking about a vague “unhappiness,” he inferred that she had met another man. He put down in writing clear conditions for remaining married to her and refused to agree to any separation, knowing it would only be a prelude to divorce. Insisting she break off her extramarital affair at once, he wrote: “I will not allow my spirit to deteriorate because of your indecision.” Rather than attempting to remove all possible grounds for his wife’s discontent, he simply told her: “complaining is no longer acceptable. If you want me to do or not do something, you must tell me what it is. I do not expect you to read my mind and I will no longer try to read yours.” This worked.

I find this second case very interesting, though I don't think it matters whether it's the wife or it's the husband who is unhappy. The principles are the same.

I know several women whose husbands are unhappy in marriage. Their husbands blame the wives for everything, but are unwilling to do anything to grow the marriage (date nights, counseling, even just communicating). They won't tell their wives what the real issue is.

The wives are so petrified the husbands will leave that they turn themselves inside out to try to make sure that there is nothing in their behaviour that the husband could object to.

Now, I have spoken at length in this blog about how you have to learn to show your spouse love in their language, and how we need to make sure that we are loving our spouses, even if they are not showing us love. But that does not mean that I think we should be doormats or lose our self-respect.

My mother, for instance, when she was married allowed herself to get walked all over, and tolerated really horrible behaviour on the part of my dad, because she was so scared of being left alone. And in the end, all that bending over backwards did absolutely nothing.

When you bend over backwards and try so hard to become what the other person wants, you cease being yourself. You're not looking to be what God wants you to be; you're looking to be what you think your husband wants you to be, and those are not necessarily the same thing. A truly intimate marriage relationship is based on two individuals who can cling to each other, confide in each other, talk to one another, and feel like partners. If you don't feel like your husband's partner, but instead feel like his maid or his slave or even his mother, then you're not building a good marriage. You're pushing him farther away from real intimacy.

James Dobson talked about this well in his book Love Must Be Tough. His central thesis was this: the whole way we do marriage counseling is backwards, because in the vast majority of troubled marriages, only one person is willing to work on things. The other doesn't care if they're hurting the spouse. They don't care how the spouse feels. They don't care what happens to the relationship, because they've become completely caught up in what they want.

So they're not going to go to counseling. So what do you do if you want to work on the relationship but your husband doesn't, and can't even admit there's a problem?

Dobson says you need to do have them feel the consequences of their actions, because that's the only way out of the selfish fantasy land they're in. They believe that they can keep daydreaming about leaving, and threatening to leave, and talk about being unhappy, because you'll sit there and take it and bend over backwards to try to satisfy them.

So stop bending over backwards, and show them what it will be like if they follow through and leave. Protect yourself and keep your self-respect, because a person cannot fall in love again with someone who has become a doormat and who no longer values herself.

And that's what the husband did in this example. He had already been burned by an ex-wife, so when the next wife starting talking about being unhappy, he said, "you either put up or shut up". If you want to work on the relationship, fine. But you can't just complain about it, because I won't live with someone who complains like that all the time. You need to commit. Commit, and we'll work on it together. Continue to hold out and say you're not sure and I'm making you unhappy and you need to test me, and that is not acceptable.

God hates divorce, but where Christians err is that we often think that the proper response then when a spouse starts talking about divorce is to try to do everything possible to appease that spouse. Appeasing, though, doesn't work, and can cause us to do things that God wouldn't want us to do. We may put up with things like affairs, or we stop respecting ourselves or our kids because we don't want to rock the boat. What we do need to do is to show proper love. Proper love always points people to God; inappropriate love allows people to act in an unChristlike manner. When we love inappropriately, by allowing people to walk all over us, we actually encourage them to go further from God. We need to show people that if they leave, life will be difficult, but they need to make a choice. We need to stop tolerating affairs, or pornography, or flirtations, or addictions, or things which will eventually ruin the marriage anyway. The best way to help your husband get over pornography is actually to not tolerate it.

If you're in this kind of a marriage, I'd recommend both Love Must Be Tough and Boundaries. Both books show what is your responsibility in a difficult relationship, and what is not. And remember: the best way to get positive change in a marriage is often through realistic consequences, not by becoming a doormat!

Now I know this is controversial, and I know there is a thin line between pushing someone away and calmly showing consequences. I know we are called to be gracious and to forgive, but I also don't believe we were called to tolerate indecision or evil. So if you have any pointers on how to walk that fine line, and do what's right, please leave a comment!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Why Sex Matters to Your Husband

2011-08-17T07:02:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! Today's Wifey Wednesday is a guest post from Christine Hiester.

photo © 2009 Megan | more info (via: Wylio)
“Men are simple beings.”

So says my husband. When I ask him what I can do to meet his needs, how I can better serve him, how I can improve as a wife, he simply chuckles and reminds me:

“I am simple. Keep me fed and give me lots of sex. And make it fun.”

Of course, he’s oversimplifying things a bit. He needs more than that, and we both know it. But as far as needs go, physical intimacy is so important to him that if that need is not met the whole of him is affected; and if it is met, that fulfillment trickles down to all other parts of his life.

I really think I have it easy in this marriage, to be honest. I mean, I am nowhere near simple. My husband has to deal with my moods, my insecurities, my lack of housekeeping prowess, my occasional emotional neediness, and all I have to do is be a willing and joyful participant in the bedroom and cook some good meals?

I asked my husband the other day to tell me why. I wanted him to help me understand the reasons behind this all-encompassing need of his, and be able to help other women in my life who may have struggles in this area. We have friends and relatives whose marriages have had rocky times due to intimacy issues and pornography. I wanted to know what advice he would have me give the wives.

“Are their husbands satisfied in the bedroom?” was his reply. “We men are bombarded at every corner: ads at an online news site, billboards, teens wearing skimpy clothing at church, TV commercials, magazine racks at the grocery store. We can’t help but be visual; it’s the way we are made. We want to be faithful and pure, but it is so hard in this environment. When you, as my wife, make sure that I am satisfied, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. That’s what you can tell those women.”

That seems like a lot of pressure, but there is truth undergirding his response. Even more than just that answer, however, is the deeper issue of being accepted as a man with a high sex drive, and the subsequent affect on his emotional well-being. There is nothing wrong with our husbands wanting sex, and varied sex at that, often. Let me repeat that:

There is nothing wrong with our husbands wanting a lot of sex.

It is our own faulty thinking about God’s gift of sexual intimacy that is the hindrance. Men find emotional fulfillment in physical intimacy. Our rejection of them in the bedroom feels to them as their emotional rejection would feel to us. If you came to your husband in need of a listening ear, and an available shoulder when you were feeling down, and he said to you, “Not tonight, honey. I’m not in the mood to listen to you,” it would be devastating. Perhaps that is what happens on a regular basis for you. I’ve been there in my marriage.

We went through a period in our marriage when I agreed to be intimate when I felt emotionally full, only when my needs were met. I often begged off because I was feeling down, or we had had a fight, or he annoyed me in some way. It wasn’t a conscious decision to use sex as a reward to grant or withhold, but that’s what it felt like to my husband. He felt rejected, and thus wasn’t as open to me emotionally. The vicious cycle continued. I rejected him physically, he rejected me emotionally. I was miserable. He was miserable. The prayer of my heart was for God to change him. But God instead, in His wisdom, changed me.

When I, in obedience, made the choice, in recognition of this need in my husband, to be joyfully willing and available sexually whenever he requested it (and also initiating on a regular basis), the change in him was amazing. Over time he was more emotionally available to me, more able to cherish me, more sensitive to my needs.

It was a transformative choice on my part, and improved our marriage dramatically.

God blessed us, because I made the holy choice.

God is the one behind this need in our husbands, just as He is behind our sensitivities and emotional richness as women. There is a grand plan in marriage, and sex is an enormous part of that plan.

When your husband desires you, desire him back. Make a choice to accept, and not reject. It is deeply important to him. Simple? Maybe. They are simple beings, after all. Or so says my husband.

So what are you waiting for?

Christine is a joyfully-available wife, and homeschooling mom of four. She has a passion for seeing marriages thrive, and blogs about that, among other things, at http://www.fruitinseason.blogspot.com, and contributes to http://www.heartofthematteronline.com/.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Dressing Your Hubby

2011-08-10T07:02:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

photo © 2010 Frerieke | more info (via: Wylio)

I have an amazing husband. He's awesome with my girls. He shows me love and affection. He cares about my feelings. He listens to my emotions. He gives me backrubs. He's a great provider.

But he can't get the hang of the fact that you really shouldn't wear a white shirt with beige pants. Fashion is not his strong suit.

The other night at dinner I was looking at his pants, and they had received quite a lot of wear that day. There was dirt on them, and creases, and they were looking rather bad. But then I noticed that these were also his best dress pants. And he had them on with a few-years-old golf shirt that he likes to wear on more casual days to work.

I commented that given the number of perfectly serviceable, cotton pants are in his closet, perhaps it's best not to wear dry-clean-only slacks with casual shirts. He laughed and says that when he gets dressed in the morning, the only question he has about pants are: are they clean? And do they fit? And if they're not clean, but he can wipe something off, that's good enough.

I have realized long ago that my husband will never have the fashion sense that I do. But here's the thing: I like him looking sharp. I like him looking put together. But I have realized that I can't rely on him to do this, because he just doesn't get it. So now every night I get an outfit together for him and put it on his dresser for him to put on in the morning. That way, if he leaves for work early and I don't see him until he gets home for dinner, I don't die of embarrassment because he's been wearing beige with white all day.

I figure you can always spot the married men in a crowd because they look put together. But it tends not to be because they know how to dress. It's because a woman makes sure that they leave home looking presentable.

So you can complain about his fashion sense, or complain that he wears the good pants too often and wears them out, or complain that his tie doesn't match his shirt, or you could just lay out his clothes for him.

Personally, I'd rather lay out his clothes. I like putting outfits together, and he does have nice clothes. He just can't figure out what goes with what.

I think that when your husband looks put together, it reflects well on everybody. I used to do it years ago, but I stopped, and then that night when I noticed his dirty really-expensive pants, I realized it was time to start again. And so I do. It's just what marriage is all about: you get to fill in the holes that he's really bad at, and he fills in the holes that you're really bad at. Rather than being upset at him for not "getting it", just realize that this is who he is, and plug the hole. It's really not a big deal. And why would we want to create someone who's just like us?

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Christians Do Have Unhappy Marriages

2011-08-03T07:04:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! I'm taking the summer a little slowly, so I've asked Tammy Rhoden to guest post for us today. Here's Tammy's story:

As a Christian woman entering a marriage in which I was equally yoked, I expected to live happily ever after once the rings slipped over our fingers. I didn’t believe our marriage would be tainted by the worldly issues of non-believers. I knew there would be a few bumps in the road but overall I wasn’t worried. I thought God made marriage to bring happiness to believing men and women.

photo © 2007 Tom Reynolds | more info (via: Wylio)

But it hasn't been perfect. Actually, there have been far more imperfect moments than not. There have been many heartbreaking moments as well. Moments when I cried out to God and asked Him how He had allowed me to make such an awful mistake! There have been times when I haven't known who I was madder with; Bobby, myself, or God. How had the marriage that I thought was the one every Christian woman was destined to have, turned so sour? Was I not good enough? Had I not paid enough? Would I never finish reaping the harvest of the bad past I had sown? Where was my happiness? I felt betrayed by my husband yes, but more so by God. I felt He had let me down.

I contemplated at times whether I should be able to get out of this marriage. I bargained on occasion with God trying to get Him to work on my behalf. Often I picked myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and got down to the business of saving my marriage. Never during any of these times did I find lasting happiness. Happiness was that elusive emotion that seemed to flit in and out of my marriage but I could never get a handle on so it would remain. What was wrong with us? We are Christians. Why weren't we happy?

Then slowly I began to see things differently. I'm not sure when but over time, I noticed I was changing. Previously, I bought in to the whole idea that seems rather prevalent in the Christian world, that when two believers marry, their marriage should be a good one. After all, if two people are professing to love God then it follows that two people want to please God by living as He directs. So, it's all good and they as Christians are destined to live happily ever after.

That really isn't always the case, though. We want marriage to be a union with another person that brings us happiness but the truth is, God's Word doesn't say that marriage is designed to bring us happiness. In fact it says that it will be an area of struggle and hardship. Genesis 3:16 He told the Woman: "You'll want to please your husband, but he'll lord it over you."

At some point, I began to realize that I weighed almost every moment of my marriage on a happiness scale. Because there is no standard unit of happiness in marriage, I often found my scale too light. When I was feeling let down numerous times a day because my scales were always off, it only makes sense that my heart was beginning to develop defense tactics to keep from being hurt so often. As my heart began to harden, it became easier for the enemy to whisper more and more darkness into my ear.

As my heart grew harder and colder and wrapped itself tighter within layers of defensive repellent; I found it harder to respect my husband. When a wife doesn't respect her husband, she finds it hard to submit or to have sex, whether out of spite or lack of desire. When a husband feels emasculated and lonely, he uses emotional distance to cope. Things continue to feed off each other and spiral out of control until each spouse's heart is so hard they not only fall into further sin and treat each other more poorly, but they are no longer of use to God in many ways that they once were.

People tend to expect marriage to bring them happiness even though God never promised it would. Satan desires to harden the hearts of Christians so they aren't able to be used by God as He would like. Satan knows we use how our spouse makes us feel as a happiness gage and when we aren't happy, we begin to try to fix that. When we try to fix our spouse, we begin to have marital problems because our "fixing" stems from selfish desires and expectations of happiness that we believe our spouse should provide. As we criticize each other and try to change each other or begin to seek happiness outside our marriage, our hearts are hardened and become less usable by God for His ultimate purpose, which is to bring all things in the universe together under Christ.

Here's a thought: if Satan attacks married people first and foremost through their spouses, in order to render their hearts useless to God, doesn't it make sense that two strong believing Christians may have more problems within their marriage than non-believers?

Does this mean that I think Christians should just settle for a poor marriage if they are in one or that they shouldn't strive for their marriage to be all it can be? No! But I also think that we as Christians should begin taking seriously the role God intended us to play in this world. He expects us all to share the Gospel and to play large parts in bringing everything in the universe together under Christ. We often forget that and instead get caught up in thinking about our marital happiness. We need to remember that as well as pursuing happiness in our marriage, we need to pursue joy in Christ. This is how we find it possible to love our spouse with the agape love of Jesus, making us capable of fulfilling God's purpose.

I have begun to measure the moments of my marriage with a different tool. I no longer use my happiness scale but rather ask myself if the moment has done or is doing anything to further God's purpose. If I find that it has, I celebrate and thank God for His goodness and grace. If I find that it was lacking, then I look back through the lens of self-examination, held by the Holy Spirit and try to discover where I fell short. I try not to think about where Bobby may have fallen short because God uses us as individuals and we are accountable as individuals.

Since I have begun to make personal, heart changing, spiritual choices in the way I deal with my unhappiness, Bobby has begun to turn around a lot in areas he personally felt he needed to improve in. We have identified who our enemy really is and we know it's not each other.

Is everything hunky dory now? Well, things are still a work in progress and I think they may remain that way in one sense or another, maybe until death do us part. As for happiness; I can say that the joy I am experiencing more regularly in my life surpasses earthly happiness by far. Joy is what I have the most of but I am also happy more often than not as I am no longer feeling let down most of the time. My perspective of what marriage is supposed to offer me, has changed to align itself with a more godly vision and that makes a huge difference in the happiness scale!

Tammy Rhoden is a Christian Life Coach and Speaker. She offers one-on-one and group coaching as well as workshops, seminars, and lectures designed to support women in facilitating change in their lives that are in agreement with God's Word. Areas of support include but aren’t limited to marriage, children, career, finances, weight loss, setting boundaries, forgiveness, making friends, and time management. Please visit Tammy’s site, Jesus is My Host of Hope, to learn more about her, or find her on Facebook!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Becoming One Flesh

2011-07-27T07:12:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

When we marry, inevitably this beautiful verse is read at the wedding:

And the man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

We all smile and gush, because now we are one flesh. Absolutely.

But here's the problem: just because something is a spiritual fact doesn't mean that we actually feel it. Before we are married, we only have ourselves to worry about. We don't have to consider another's feelings; we're all bent on making decisions that will make ME happy. I am the focus of my life.

At marriage, that feeling naturally continues. When we're first married, we start to wonder, "is he making me happy?", or "is he treating me well?", or "is he acting like a good husband should?". We're new at this, so it's only natural that we should question whether he's doing what he's supposed to. After all, we have images of what being the proper wife is, and we're doing our best to live up to our end of the bargain, but is he holding up his end?

We're focused on what he is doing, not what we are doing, because we're used to giving ourselves a pass. We can always find reasons why it was okay for us not to be giving in that particular situation. We can always justify ourselves. But we rarely are so generous when it comes to accepting or excusing our husband's transgressions.

The other issue, I think, is a gender one. Deep inside we want him to make the first move. So if we feel like he's not treating us appropriately, we may withdraw and wait for him to make it up. And we think that's okay because he's supposed to treat us better than that.

What we don't see is what he is feeling. Chances are he's just as disillusioned as we are, because he had expectations going into the marriage, too, that aren't being met. And while this situation is quite typical for many newly married couples, whether or not it keeps going on is up to us. Unfortunately, for many couples, this becomes the normal state. For decades this is how they relate to each other: judgment, justification, resentment, withholding. It's all about my feelings and my rights.

And so we face a choice. Our husbands will always disappoint us because they are not US. They don't have the same opinions or values or expectations, so they can never live up to ours. So are we going to continue this cycle, or are we going to truly become one?

Here is the key to turning on this "oneness" part of marriage: understand that his feelings are now your feelings. His cares are now your cares. His concerns are now your concerns. Spiritually, that is a fact. And when we recognize the spiritual fact, we can start to act on it. And when we act on it, we may eventually start to feel it.

He doesn't need to justify his feelings; they are his feelings. And now that you are married, they should matter to you just as much as yours do. It matters when he's upset. Don't try to get him to justify it or talk him out it; be concerned about it. Because when he's upset, part of you is upset. It matters if he feels lonely or frustrated (or even sexually starved!), because that means you are lonely and frustrated, too. You are in this together.

If you can start putting as much weight on his feelings as you do yours, you'll likely find that your marriage will improve exponentially, because you're reaching out.

When you start valuing his feelings and his opinion on things, he's likely to reach out to you more. And as he reaches out to you, you are going to start feeling like one. It doesn't happen overnight. And I'm not saying you should accept sin, or not confront him on things that are important. I'm only saying that his viewpoint counts, and you need to give it the weight it deserves. Then, and only then, will you begin to feel like you're one.

The ball, I think, is in your court. If you want to feel like one, don't wait for him to change. Take his feelings seriously. And you may just gain a whole new outlook on marriage!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: What Your Husband Wishes You Knew

2011-07-20T07:06:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! I'm taking the summer a little easier these days, so I've asked Rob Thorpe of Huzband to guest post today, to let us in on men's minds.

I Corinthians 7:33-34 says, “one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

Pleasing one’s spouse assumes you know what it takes to please them – you know their needs and are deliberate about trying to meet them. Husbands and wives both have needs, and they get way off base assuming their spouse has the same ones they do. Sadly, most wives today think their man only has one need….want to hazard a guess? Yes, he does have that need, and it is a God-given physical and emotional need. But today, let’s talk about another need he is much more reluctant to discuss.

Deep down inside your husband has the same basic needs that you do – spiritual, emotional and relational. His physical needs may get top billing, but God created him with deep needs in other areas. Truth is – he doesn’t usually know how to articulate them, or is embarrassed to do so.

You already know that women tend to be more emotionally open than men....and women are more comfortable with their emotions. But your husband has real emotional needs too. Women tend to see feelings and behavior as the same. They act on their feelings. If a woman is angry, she behaves in that way. If she is elated, it's expressed in her behavior. Usually a woman's behavior is an open window to her emotions. But most men are not that way. They tend to hide their emotions. Men tend to embrace the philosophy that says that real men control of their emotions. This was usually reinforced early in his life by his father, grandfather, teachers and coaches.

Truth is - men are very emotional...we can be deeply moved by movies, music and beauty! Like you, we also have a deep need both to love and feel loved. And the love that is most precious to us, other than God's love, is our wife’s love.

In Shaunti Feldhan’s great book, For Women Only, she reports the results of a large survey of husbands that were asked the question – “What is the primary thing you wish your wife knew?” The overwhelming response was – “How much I love her”.

Over several years of counseling and mentoring husbands, I have heard firsthand accounts of husbands saying things like - “I want her to know that I love her with all his heart and soul." Others have said repeatedly, I love it when she is happy and hate it when she is sad or hurting." We may not admit it to our friends, or even speak it to you – but, the love of our wife is critical to our survival!

In his book, Man's Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl shared the account of his time in a concentration camp during World War II. He says that one particularly chilling night he and the other exhausted prisoners were forced to walk through snow to work the frozen ground with pickaxes until morning. Though few words were spoken, one of the emaciated men whispered, "If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don't know what's happening to us." Silence followed the man's remark, but Frankl writes, "...

each of us was thinking of his wife.....I looked at the sky where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved."

Next to an abiding faith in God, Frankl says the love of their wives gave men strength to rise from their crowded cots and face another pain-filled day. You see, contrary to popular opinion, men do have emotional needs....they need to feel loved by their wives if they are to go out and "slay the dragon" each Monday morning. We husbands may not face Nazi prison camps...but as Thoreau put it men live "...lives of quiet desperation" as we face the hopelessness and exhaustion and a hard-edged world week in and week out.

So wives, please look behind the facade. We desperately need a wife who loves us so well that the memory of your smiling face and the echo of her encouraging words will keep us going in the face of our daily adversity. We need you more than you know.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Rob Thorpe
Author – "husband": A User's Guide, and Renewed - A 30 Day Devotional Challenge for Husbands. Moderator of the largest blog devoted to husbands – http://huzband.wordpress.com

Wifey Wednesday: Talk About the Real Issue

2011-07-13T07:06:00.004-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

photo © 2011 Renee Barron | more info (via: Wylio)

Recently I received an email from a woman who was desperate. She's pregnant, and her husband wants, for various reasons, to rent a house for the next few months until they can get their dream house in a year. She wants to be settled now, because she's tired of moving and the baby's coming. How do they resolve this fight?

Here's what I told her:

Let me try to sum it up. Your husband is looking long-term: we want to build a house, so let's just sacrifice for the next few months and get what we really want. What's a few months?

You're looking short term: I have a baby coming, I'm tired, and I need to be settled.

Both are very valid perspectives. One of the things that often happens in marriages, though, is that you debate the issue rather than the feelings that are making it an issue. In this case, they're debating real estate rather than their feelings about the future of the family. They're arguing about what would be the better housing choice, rather than just talking about their feelings for holding the opinions they do. What I would suggest is that they start talking about feelings and dreams instead.

When you're in the middle of an intractable problem with your husband, make sure you're talking about how you feel about the issue, rather than the issue itself. In this case, you could say to him, "I understand that you want what is best for our family in the long run, and I want that to. But I don't know how I can do this for another couple of months. I am just so tired."

Now the issue is that you are tired, and need help, and not real estate. If he could find a solution that involved his dream house, but did not exhaust his wife, then that may be a solution that they both could live with.

She could say: I could rent for a few months and build our dream home, but during that time life is going to be so chaotic for me with the new baby, and our current one, and the move, that I couldn't continue to do what I've been doing so far. I couldn't make dinner every night, for instance. I couldn't do the laundry. So if we could agree that you do the laundry, and that twice a week we ordered out, or we bought frozen meals, that would be better. And if we agreed that we wouldn't unpack everything, but just what we needed, and that you were in charge of the contractors during the building, and not me.

When you're looking at a big problem like this, break it down into what you are willing to do and what you just can't do. Talk about what you would need from him, and how much more it would cost (in housekeeping, grocery bills, etc.) Talk about who would be in charge of the contractors. If he can agree to that, perhaps she could go along with it?

In this case, the issue is that the woman is tired, and she wants a place where she can feel settled because the baby is coming. She feels a lot of expectations on you to "create a home" and "keep the family going", and finds it almost impossible to think of doing that with two more moves coming up. So if she talks about her exhaustion and what she feels is expected of her, and see if she can work out more of a partnership, or get people to help you temporarily, then perhaps his plan is actually possible after all.

Whatever the issue is, identify your feelings, don't fight his logic. That way you're giving him a chance to solve your problem, rather than telling him why he's wrong, and getting into loggerheads because you both have different opinions.

You don't want to get into a fight about something like real estate when that's not the real issue. Then you both just dig in your heels and nothing gets done. Instead, try to get on the same page: we want what's best for our family, but we're tired and we're running out of time. What's the best way to manage our time, energy and money in the next year so that our family will be stronger and better off in the end? Talk about it that way, and figure out what you both need, and then you're on the same page again.

If you can find a new way to talk through this, then you put your marriage on much firmer ground for the future.

Many marriages get stuck in these conflicts because spouses are in a "win-lose" scenario when it comes to fighting. You both want opposite things, so obviously only one can "win". You need to find the "win-win", and to do that you need to identify what the real issue is (feelings) and see if you can figure out creative ways to deal with that so that you both are happy. I think if he could understand how tired his wife is, and understand that building a house needs to also involve a budget for housekeeping and some frozen meals so she's not overwhelmed, then perhaps they could be on the same page.

So next time you face a decision where you both hold opposite opinions, try to find the real issue: the feelings. And then see if you can come up with a win-win!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to come to a decision where both you and your husband held opposite opinions? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Smiling Socks--Love from the Dresser Drawer

2011-07-06T07:16:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! This summer I've asked a few people to guest post to give me a bit of a break, and this Wifey Wednesday is brought to you by Cari Kaufman from Strings Attached Ministries.

This week our Marriage Champions discussion group focused a very heavy topic, you ready?….duh-duh-dun….household responsibilities. And while at first, it may seem like small potatoes in the land of marriage enrichment (I mean we are discussing difficult topics like communication, conflict management and sexual intimacy here), what we discovered is that “neglect of home and family” is second only to “mental cruelty” as a stated reason for divorce. That’s right, household responsibilities are no small potatoes in marriage.

I don’t think that revelation came as a surprise to most of the women in the room. I pray that it didn’t come as a big surprise to most of the men. Get this: it is estimated that 86% of all marital conflicts are over division of labor in the household. 86%! More than money, or disciplining kids, or sex- more arguments are over who is going to do the dishes tonight. I knew it was a big deal, but I was kind of floored by the numbers.

As we were sharing about the common stumbling blocks that interfere with a healthy relationship, there were several that caught my attention. But I think my own personal revelation as I was telling a story about socks really drove home what this whole Marriage Champions thing is all about in a nutshell. It’s about how we show love. I know, deep epiphany, right? But hang with me here.

photo © 2010 Madzia Bryll | more info (via: Wylio)
Early on in our relationship, Charlie and I had a huge fight about laundry. This one was a yelling, screaming hissy fit (for my part anyway).

Over socks.

Yep, I almost walked right out the door of the home that God had made for me….over socks.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Charlie approached me very gently with a pair of socks in his hand. A pair of socks I had carefully smoothed, rolled and folded together with the happy little smiling face shining out at him. He said calmly and sweetly, “Hey, Sweetie, do you think that you could not fold my socks like this? It stretches the cuff and they don’t stay up as well.”

To Charlie, this was a reasonable request. He was even helping me out by lightening my load a bit…he certainly didn’t expect the total meltdown that ensued.

“I guess the way I fold socks is not good enough for you! Do you know how long it took me to do that!?”

The conversation just went downhill from there. Then I proceeded to dredge up all the other recent discussions on laundry we had had in the last few months. (He and I do it very differently, to this day.) Charlie, for his part, reeling in the shock of my explosion, disengaged. Ugh! Not a good move. Disengaging only fed my anger and we began a vicious feedback loop which only went away after a four-hour cool down period.

My point to my ramblings is this. None of that was about socks.

It was about love.

You see my Daddy was a navy man. From the time I was a little girl, I had learned to fold socks with little smiley faces. It was how he taught me, and how he liked (and still likes) his socks folded. I don’t know if my mom likes to fold socks that way, I just know that she does. Because it is not about socks…It’s about love.

When Charlie rejected the way that I folded socks, in my mind, he wasn’t rejecting the socks…he was rejecting me. My love. My service. My smiley faces. He had no idea. To him it was just a sock that wouldn’t stay up because the cuff was stretched out. To me, it was an act of love. You see, it wasn’t the tip of the iceberg (doing laundry) that sank the Titanic. It was the huge hunk of ice beneath the surface of the water (my emotional attachment to that task) that ripped the hull in two.

Of course, at the time, neither of us understood that the laundry wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t until we started to do research on healthy marriages and put the effort into understanding our relationship that we were given the tools to identify the real issues behind the seemingly little things that can hurt or build a relationship. I encourage you to do some research and soul-searching in your own marriage. You’d be surprised how many tiny little things your spouse does everyday to say, “I love you!”

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you struggled with differences in doing household tasks? Or do you have something else to share with us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

From Army officer to stay-at-home mom to professional speaker, Cari Kaufman's experiences give her a unique perspective into everyday life. Cari is using her ministry, Strings Attached Ministries, to bring groups and teams together to common ground to build up women’s ministry groups all over the world. Cari lives with her fabulous husband, Charlie in the heart of Northwest Arkansas and they have two amazing children, Alexander and Elizabeth.

Follow Cari on Facebook, Twitter, or visit her website for more information on booking her to speak to your group.

Wifey Wednesday: What Makes Men Romantic?

2011-06-29T07:02:00.005-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

This Wifey Wednesday post is reprinted from 2009.

Photo by Rev Stan

Many of you would kill for flowers.

You can't figure out why he can always remember the oil change and when the game is on but he can't remember to pick up flowers every now and then.

I've had a rocky relationship with flowers myself.

When we were first married, Keith used to buy me chocolate truffles. I love chocolate truffles. Especially in the bath.

But then one day he started buying me flowers. In fact, he vowed, without telling me, that he would buy me flowers every two weeks for six months.

And he did. They started coming like clockwork. He was expecting me to be ecstatic. Romantic. Enthusiastic.

Instead I began to seethe.

And the more flowers came, the more upset I became.

You see, about the time Keith made his pledge to buy me flowers I realized that I had gained ten pounds. I don't know how I did it; it just appeared one day. And I was very sensitive to it.

So when he started bringing me flowers, all I could think was, "He thinks I'm fat so now he won't bring me chocolate."

Pretty stupid, eh?

Fast forward to last week. I was away speaking for a few nights, and the night before I left I was rather distracted. So we didn't--you know.

Then I came home at midnight. So we didn't--you know.

The next night I know he was hoping for it. And normally it would have happened! I like it, too, after all.

But I was tired and grumpy. So we didn't. And neither of us slept well.

The night after that I threw myself into it, we had a good time, and all was well.

The next day he brought me flowers.

Sex flowers.

And I thought, why do I get flowers on the days after we make love, and not on the days after we don't?

And I started to get angry again.

After I had come back to earth and realized that men are not actually women, I figured out what the issue was.

Keith is a guy. Guys don't think that deeply. Here is what was going through Keith's head:

"I love my wife. I think I'll buy her flowers."

Isn't that sweet?

Of course, as a woman, this is what I assume is going through his head:

"She made love to me, so she needs to be rewarded. I need to withhold romance and affection when she doesn't perform, and only give it to her when she does, so that she starts acting the way I want her to."

That's not it at all.

Here's the truth: women have this hormone called oxytocin. It's the bonding hormone. It's present when we make love; when we nurse our babies; and lots of other times. It's what makes us affectionate and cuddly.

The only time men have the hormone is after they make love. So they feel really close to us. They feel cuddly. They feel like women!

That's why men are so lovey-duvy the next day. It's not to be manipulative. It's because they honestly feel close to us and affectionate.

Isn't it great the next day after you make love, how he looks after the kids, and hugs you, and even does housework? It's because he feels affirmed as a man. He feels powerful. He feels loving.

I think we women need to stop seeing ulterior motives behind everything our men do and just be grateful when they are affectionate and loving. Isn't that what we've been wanting, anyway?

And realize that this is the way marriage works. When you meet his needs, he starts to meet yours. It's a give and take. But if you're waiting for him to be all affectionate and to be romantic before you make love, it may never happen.

So are you going to wait? Or are you going to do something about it?

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: When Conflicts Don't End

2011-06-22T07:22:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

photo © 2008 Ed Yourdon | more info (via: Wylio)
Do you and your husband ever have the same fight, over and over again, without ever fixing anything?

Are you just tired, because there's this one issue in your marriage where you just can't make headway? What do you do when he just doesn't get that there's a problem, and he has no desire to change, even if it's really, really bothering you?

Some of the issues you're stressing over may be very serious, but I don't want to address the ones that are actually truly endangering the sanctity of the marriage (such as alcoholism, or pornography addiction). That's really a subject for another post. I'm really talking about those everyday things which can wear us down almost as much: he refuses to care for his diabetes, even though he's profoundly overweight. He never spends time with the kids. He spends too much time on the computer. He doesn't talk to you. And he has no interest in changing. What do you do?

Here are my thoughts, in order. And a warning: they're a little harsh, because there is no magic answer. But I think they're truthful, and that's better.

1. Realize that you cannot change anyone else.

In my book To Love, Honor and Vacuum I dealt with this quite a bit. Often when we're upset in our marriages we think the problem is all him. If he would just smarten up, we'd be fine. But what's the point in thinking that? You cannot change him. You need to stop trying. Saying, "I will be happy as soon as he..." means that you're also saying, "I WON'T be happy if he doesn't...." You're putting your peace in someone else's hands, and it's not healthy.

2. Try to see him in a different light.

He is God's gift to you. Maybe 20% of what he does really bugs you, but focus on the other 80%. Learn gratitude for what he does do and accept him for who he is. The more you accept him, the more he feels competent and strong, and the more likely it is that he will want to grow as a person. Men have a deep-seated need to be competent. If they feel disapproval, they often retreat (into television, work, etc.). Treat them well, and they're more likely to grow. But don't do so in order for them to grow. Do so because you want the best for them and you honestly are finding things to be grateful for.

3. Pray God's will for your husband.

Instead of praying that he will improve in the areas that you find difficult, pray for him that God will help him in his various roles. Pray that he will become the man God wants him to be, not the man you want him to be.

4. Pray that you will be the best wife you can be for him.

I know he's hurting you. I know he's doing things that you wish he wouldn't and that really bother you. But ask God what you can do to show your husband love. What can you do to be the best wife you can be? Instead of focusing on what he is not doing, focus on what you can do. God will honor that, and you will feel better. Dare yourself to be as good a wife as you can (which doesn't mean excusing sin; it just means learning to love). As you build gratitude for who he is (#2), pray for him (#3), and focus on your own roles (#4), you'll likely find your attitude towards him changing.

5. Change what you have control over.

If he is treating you disrespectfully, for instance, you don't need to nag him about it. You don't need to fight about it, or withhold from him. Tell him how you feel, but then put yourself in a position where he can't treat you that way. I list a whole bunch of different scenarios like this in To Love, Honor and Vacuum, but let me give you an example. If he wants to eat in front of the television, that is completely his perogative. But that doesn't mean you have to serve him there. Set the table, have the kids sit down, and if he wants to bring his plate elsewhere, he can. He's an adult; he can do what he wants. But you don't need to facilitate it. This one's kind of controversial, and some of you may disagree with me here. Feel free! But I think it is important to make it a norm that the family does things together. If he chooses something different, that's fine. But family togetherness is the norm.

6. Find your own peace in God.

If you are feeling put upon and taken for granted, then go to God for your peace. Don't rely on your husband to meet all your needs; he never will. Get involved in a good Bible study. Fill your time focusing on God, and not on your husband's shortcomings. Put praise CDs on and let music fill the house. Seek out a godly mentor that can help you grow in the Lord (not help you vent all your frustration about your husband). Look to Jesus, not your husband, and probably the problems you have will minimize in importance.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: In Need of Conversation

2011-06-15T08:18:00.004-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I don't have time today to write a long post; I'm in the middle of sending in my final edits for my book, The Good Girl's Guide to Sex. So instead I think I'll post a video I saw recently that I thought was pretty clever--and kinda funny!

Do you and your husband have enough "conversation"?

What do you think?

Normally on Wednesdays I ask you all to link up, but the site that I get my "linky" code from is down today, so if you want to write a Wifey Wednesday post, just put the link in the comments!

Wifey Wednesday: When You Just Don't Agree

2011-06-08T08:35:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Do you and your husband butt heads about the same issue, again and again?

I've talked in this blog about how you have to accept your husband for who he is without demanding that he change before you fully commit and love him. But that's pretty difficult. What if he does something really bad? What if he's involved in something really awful?

Yes, you need to confront. You can separate the sin from the person. But how can you confront on an important issue and still show love? How can you accept him when you're mad, and he's doing something that endangers the family? Are you supposed to just sit there and take it?

Of course, it depends on the severity of what it is, but this week I read an excellent article by the Happy Housewife which walks you through how to confront over the issue of finances.
She says:

We argued about every single purchase. It took me 14 years, but I finally learned that you can’t argue someone into changing their spending habits. You can’t nag someone into cutting up the credit cards. While you might see results initially, they will go back to their old ways of spending in time and they’ll resent you in the process.

You can’t change someone’s mind about money.

So if you can’t change their mind what can you do?

And she goes on to list a number of action steps you can take to change the situation while still living in harmony with your husband. Let's talk about what often happens during that 14 years where you're trying to get him to change, and not succeeding.

You think, "why is he like this?" You judge him and think less of him. You say to yourself, "he's endangering the family! He's irresponsible!" And when you do this, how can you really build intimacy with someone you think is wrong, misguided, and selfish. It can't be done. You're really waiting for him to change.

The Happy Housewife suggests specific steps you can take on the finances issue, but I want to take her steps and turn them into more general ones that will work for just about any issue. So here goes!

1. Change the way YOU behave.

She suggests cutting the budget in the areas that you control, even if he won't. But this applies to anything. If your issue is that he plays video games all the time and doesn't play with the kids, then plan family activities. Do fun things anyway. Plan for things after dinner. But take control where you can, rather than waiting for him to do something.

2. Ask to talk about goals.

Sit down and talk about what your goals are for the family. Then ask how you're going to reach those goals. It doesn't need to be a blame session; it can just be a "where are we going?" session. If your issue is that he's never home, but one of the goals for the family is that the kids grow up to be emotionally healthy, then ask how that is best achieved without him. Let him start thinking about the future and coming up with solutions.

3. Encourage friendships with strong male role models

Many men don't have other men that they hang out with. Men tend to be quite solitary, and only have their wives as friends. Encourage friendships with guys who do have things together. Invite the couple over for dinner. Play games together. Do something so that he can get to know another male who does things differently.

4. Suggest taking a course together.

If it's finances, suggest going to a finance course when your church offers it. Go to a marriage conference together (they're actually quite fun!).

5. Pray about it

Don't pray that your husband will change necessarily; pray that God will form him into the man that God wants him to be. Pray that God will have His way with him. And pray that God will help you love him and help you to be the wife He wants you to be, too!

Finally, I'd add one point that the Happy Housewife didn't have, and it's this:

6. Have fun together

When you're upset about an area of your marriage, sometimes the fun deflates completely. How can you joke around with someone you fundamentally don't respect? In order to move forward in your marriage, though, you need to build goodwill. It's very hard to make significant positive change if you're angry at each other. So find things to do that are fun. Laugh together.

Make it a priority to just do stuff--almost anything--together frequently. Go for walks. Jog. Play squash or tennis. Do a puzzle. Cook. Fix up the house. It really doesn't matter. Just find a hobby that you can do, and spend time together where it's just plain fun. That way you see each other as being on the same team, and it's a lot easier to tackle any problems that come!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to overcome something big in your marriage? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: How Important is a Date Night?

2011-06-01T07:05:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I have a confession to make. My husband and I don't actually have a regular date night. That doesn't mean that we don't spend time alone together; it's just that it's not a regular day of the week.

Now, I've been a big advocate of date nights. I've told you all that you need to schedule time to connect, and time when the kids can't interfere. I've told you to save dinner until after the kids go to bed, or to find a way to be romantic even if it doesn't cost a lot of money.

And it's not that I don't believe that. I do. It's just that there's a bigger issue to me, and it's this:

The reason we need date nights is to find time to actually talk, connect, and share what's going on in our hearts and our lives.

Most couples do not talk about non-logistical things on a daily basis. They may talk about who is going to pick up the kids from soccer, or what camp they're going to this summer, or does that rash look bad, but they don't talk about heart issues. They don't share what they're feeling. Even though they may live under the same roof, they lead almost two separate lives. They don't necessarily do things together. They don't have common interests. And so if they don't carve out that time during the week to connect, it isn't going to happen, and distance will increase.

On the other hand, I've heard people with awesome marriages saying that date night isn't important to them. It's not that they don't believe in dating; it's because they live their lives as if they are one big date. They talk to each other when they see each other the work day. They hug. They kiss. They know what is going on in each other's lives and they ask about it. They text during the day.

That's how my husband and I live. Sure, we may goof off on computers and ignore each other for an hour or two at night occasionally, but we also walk together every night. Spring is now here, so we'll be renewing our membership in the tennis club so we can play tennis several times a week. We bike together. We cook together. We just plain talk.

And if you're doing those things on a regular basis, I'm not sure a date night is the end all and be all.

The question really is: do you enjoy being together? Do you talk about things? Do you know what is going on in each other's lives? Do you each feel valued? If you can answer yes to those, then you're doing great! Don't beat yourself up over a date night.

But if you can't answer yes, then a date night is a good place to start. You just need to rediscover that you enjoy spending time together and talking together. And I think the more you get in the habit of doing that--of actually talking--then the more you will do it in the rest of your life.

I think it is far more important to find activities that you enjoy doing together than it is to go to a restaurant to have dinner once a week. The activities are fun and keep you motivated to be together. The dinner together can feel contrived. And many men find it easier to talk when you are doing things together.

I asked a question on my Facebook page a few months back, "what hobbies do you and your husband share?" One woman wrote back that she took up fishing for her husband's sake, and it saved their marriage. I was intrigued, and we emailed back and forth, and her story made it into my upcoming book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

Let me summarize it here. Basically, they had been married for twenty years, and were seen as leaders in their church. But their marriage had slowly been going downhill. He spent all his time at elders' meetings and at the gym. She was with the kids. And she was fed up and ready to leave. They had nothing holding them together anymore. No shared interests.

That weekend, after she had made the decision that she would go, the church announced their annual fishing tournament. And Kendra decided that she would go with her husband. So she did. And she caught the biggest fish! But the most important thing she discovered was how much she liked fishing. She liked just sitting there, peacefully, and chatting with her husband.

And now they fish together all the time. When they go into a tackle store to buy stuff (I don't even know what the proper term would be), other men whisper, "I wish my wife would fish!" And her husband beams with joy.

Do they have a date night? I'm not sure. But they do things together, and that leads to talking together, and feeling as if your lives are intertwined.

Many couples say that the biggest problem in their marriage is communication, but I'm not sure that's true. I think communication is often the sign of a deeper problem, not the problem itself. And the deeper problem is that you haven't spent enough time together to build goodwill and to understand how each thinks and feels. Spend time together just doing something--anything--that you enjoy, and communication problems will often get better on their own.

That's why we don't have a date night. We do things together, and so we already feel connected. We don't have to go out to dinner to prove that. So if you aren't communicating with your husband, and if you feel distant, the answer, I believe, is certainly to carve out some time just to talk and have fun. But the more important solution is to find things that you enjoy doing together so that you naturally spend time together, without it having to be forced.

Does that make sense?

Now, how do you keep your relationship alive? Do you shared interests? Or has this been a struggle? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Hurts

2011-05-25T07:38:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Last week on Wifey Wednesday I wrote about what to do when sex is just ho hum. I received some comments asking about what to do when sex just plain hurts, and I thought it was time for a Wifey Wednesday on vaginismus, the condition when the vagina tenses up and makes sex very painful.

If you're finding that it hurts, but you don't have a full-blown medical condition called vaginismus, this post by Hot, Holy and Humorous covers the subject well. But I want to talk to the 5% of women who have actual muscle pain that makes sex either impossible or very, very difficult.

For those who are tormented by it, it’s horrible indeed. Many of these women can’t insert tampons or handle pelvic exams at the doctor’s office, either. One respondent to the survey I put together for my upcoming book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, who is 29 and married for eight years, says “vaginismus put an end to sex years ago.” Today she and her husband make love less than once a month.

Before you start panicking, let me assure you that most women who experience pain when they make love don’t actually have vaginismus. It’s simply that they’re a little nervous, and so a little bit more tense than they usually would be. When you're a newlywed, rest assured that some women do feel more than just a little sting when the hymen tears. If the couple has sex a number of times over the next few days before that tear has healed, the pain can be aggravated. It will, however, subside with time.

The medical condition of vaginismus, on the other hand, is caused when the muscles at the top 1 ½ inches of the vagina tense up (or the bottom, depending on how you look at it—it’s really just the 1 ½ inches closest to the opening). If you’ve used a tampon, you’ve probably encountered these muscles without realizing it, because once you get the tampon passed that first inch and a half, it glides in much more easily.

These muscles tense involuntarily; you’re not doing it on purpose. Reassure yourself and your husband that if you’re having this problem, it certainly is not deliberate! In fact, it’s rather difficult to get those muscles to un-tense. But you can!

The best route to a cure is to identify the underlying reason for this condition. For some it’s caused by a childhood trauma, like sexual abuse. For others, it’s a relationship issue: you just don’t feel safe and able to relax. If you take things slowly and work on why you don’t feel safe, and talk to counsellors or mentors if any past abuse issues are a factor, you’ll likely find that the pain will subside as your heart is healed.

Unfortunately, for many the causes just aren’t clear. Even worse, there isn’t very much a physician can do. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless. What you can try to do is to train yourself to control those muscles, and thus learn to relax them. Here’s how:

When you’re peeing, try to stop the flow of urine. Feel those muscles? They’re the pelvic floor muscles, the same ones that tense up when you have pain. Everytime you pee, try to tense and relax, tense and relax, three or four times so that your body learns how to relax.

Then, when you start to make love, have him enter you just a little way until it starts to hurt, and try the same thing: tense first, and then relax. You may have to spend a few minutes doing this (try to treat it like a game, and for him it will probably feel nice, anyway, because you’re squeezing him), and eventually you’ll likely find that it doesn’t hurt as much. Other treatments include progressively larger “vaginal dilators”. This sounds absolutely horrible and clinical, but it’s just another way of saying “putting increasingly larger things in there”, building up to something which is about the thickness of an erect penis.

Gynecologists and family doctors who specialize in this field often provide small silicone devices of various sizes to use, but if you really don’t want to go to a doctor, you can be creative. Just make sure it’s safe, and that you use safe cleaner afterwards to avoid infection. You can use this as part of your foreplay, too, and see if you can handle narrow things, building up to thicker things.

When Debbie was married, she was afraid she’d have issues because she had never been able to use tampons, and she had been sexually abused as a child. Sure enough, she found sex very difficult. Her husband Max was extremely patient with her for the first four months, taking time to play around with her and get them both more relaxed. Then, when they finally did try intercourse again, she found that the pain had gone away because she felt so accepted and loved.

If it’s hurting, tell your husband that story. Sure, it’s hard to be patient. But being patient will often be what helps her to be able to relax and release her real sexuality! For most women, vaginismus is a head thing. Our muscles tense up because we’re scared, threatened, or worried, but it’s completely involuntary. You can’t make yourself stop. If you put pressure on yourself, though, and feel badly about it, the pain will likely last a lot longer! The only thing you can do physically is to train your body to relax, and emotionally to learn to feel more comfortable in your relationship. A great resource for this is the vaginismus website, with lots of testimonials and lots of help.

One more thought: communicate to your husband that you dream of a great sex life, too. If he knows that this is still your goal—even if you don’t know how you’re going to get there—it’s going to be much easier for him to be patient than if he thinks you’re resigned to staying this way for the rest of your life.

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: When Sex Doesn't Feel That Great

2011-05-18T08:07:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Last week on Wifey Wednesday I encouraged you all to have more sex! Use it or lose it, I said. When you have sex more, you actually charge your libido!

But then some of you commented, what do you do when it just doesn't feel good at all?

I posted a video about that. Watch it again here:

But let me offer some more encouragement today. First, for many women sex does not feel very good at the beginning of their marriages. In fact, based on the surveys I did for my upcoming book, The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, it looks like most women have rather ho hum sex in their first few years of marriage. They don't reach orgasm. They don't like it that much.

That's because, as much as we may talk about sex being "totally natural", we don't just figure out how to do it easily. So many things are tied up in sex that making it work like clockwork isn't actually that easy. You have to feel safe. You have to feel relaxed. You have to feel willing and not ashamed. And that takes time to build up trust.

So just know that if you're in the first, let's say, 7 years of your marriage, and it still isn't working, it likely still will! Hold on to that!

The second thing is that I am totally convinced that most women do not know their own bodies. And men certainly don't! Men may "know", at a head level, that women need to be touched longer before they're ready for actual sex, but they don't necessarily know how to do that touching. Men and women like to be touched in entirely different ways. Men like it rougher; women like it much gentler. Most men, then, when they do try to touch, do it completely wrong.

And what's our response? We often don't tell them. We put up with it, because to ask for something else seems embarrassing, and if we're not getting aroused with what he's doing, then we figure there's something wrong with us.

But there's not! It's probably just that he doesn't know what to do, and he'd really, really like to learn. He may be rushing through it, so you may get the impression that "he really doesn't want to do this", but he's probably rushing through it because he doesn't understand the importance of foreplay and he doesn't understand how to touch you anyway, so what he's doing doesn't seem to be having much effect.

So, ladies, here's what it comes down to: if you are going to have a good time in the bedroom, you are going to have to be an active participant. Tell him what you want! He wants to make you feel good; for most men, that's the ultimate prize. When they know that they can make you feel good, they feel like real men. They feel wanted and desired. So he wants it to work, even if he's rushing through it. He just doesn't get it.

Here's a good way to make him get it: suggest that you play a game where all you do is touch for 15 minutes. Just have him touch you, and when he does something right, tell him. When it's not quite right, move his hand or lead him to some place better. You don't even need to use words if you don't want to. But show him what feels good, and in the process you'll probably learn yourself!

Believe that it can better, and take control of it. If you're one of those women who has just never felt that aroused, you probably have to do this a whole bunch of times to learn how to relax and just feel pleasure. But you can do it! So dare yourself, and maybe you'll find that you're one of those women who finally figures out what all the fuss is about--even if you're seven years into your marriage!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Use It Or Lose It

2011-05-11T07:05:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I've found a great new blog called Hot, Holy, Humorous, where a woman writes very openly about sex in a Christian marriage! And a while ago she wrote a really insightful post about "maintenance sex". She said:

As much as I wish that our every sexual encounter was a long and soulful experience, sometimes we’re relegated to what my husband once termed Maintenance Sex. Perhaps you can only fit in a 10-minute quickie before breakfast. Maybe you have to schedule a half-hour into the calendar because otherwise it won’t happen.

But that maintenance can be very important. Think about it this way: It’s fun to make home improvements. New carpet, fresh paint, kitchen or bathroom renovations are exciting and satisfying. But we can’t ignore the minor repairs that the keep the house going –steaming the carpet, painting touch-ups, cleaning those kitchens and bathrooms. Both are good for your home.

The same with sex. We married couples might wish that our sexual encounters were as spectacular as the community fireworks display, but shorter encounters can be fun too, like playing with sparklers. They’re all firecrackers, baby.

She's so right! And I think maintenance sex is important for another reason. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.

Here's the awful truth that many wives discover as soon as they're married: sex sometimes is kind of blah. In fact, it's a lot more blah than she ever thought it would be. But in the movies and in magazines it's always presented as something breathless, rapturous, and amazing. We get the impression that that is what sex is supposed to be like. It's always going to be an amazing, earth-shattering experience.

Then, when we know that we're not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be lying to go ahead and have sex. And so we don't do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be panting and wanting it--even if such nights only occur about every six weeks, if we're lucky.

But here's the truth about female libido: normally we aren't panting until we start making love. Our libido isn't like men's, when we feel "hot" before we even start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get going. And interestingly, the more we have sex, the easier it becomes to get aroused. The less you have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It's not like we deprive ourselves for a long time, and that makes it even hotter. It's actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive.

So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it's sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself: I'm doing this because sex is important in our relationship. I'm doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn't always move for me. And I'm doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it's not tonight.

Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, stay tuned, because in future Wifey Wednesdays (and maybe even in a vLog) I'm going to explain how to make the earth move. But in the meantime, remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido. So don't forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn't have to take a ton of time! Just throw yourself into it, and you'll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: When Texting/Facebook Cross the Line

2011-05-04T08:25:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Today I want to talk about a letter I received from a woman recently. She writes:

I love my husband very much, but one thing that bugs me is that he is always receiving texts from another woman at church. He thinks it's funny, and he keeps texting her back, but the texts don't stop. I think it's inappropriate for a married man to text with another woman, but they both think it's harmless. Help!

So what should this wife do?

At the same time, I recently read an article that quoted a British study which found that Facebook was implicated in one out of every eight divorces. I personally know a few divorces where Facebook played a major role, because someone reconnected with an old flame.

So I thought today we should address the whole technological threat to one's marriage.

Let's start with some basic rules.

1. In marriage, there shouldn't be secrets. That means you should be able to use each other's phones.

If your husband won't let you use his phone, or you hesitate before turning your phone over to him, you have an issue. You should never be texting or talking to someone of the opposite sex in a way that would make your mate upset. Everything should be interchangeable.

I know many of you have friends that you talk to on Facebook who are guys. I'm not saying you can never comment on a guy's status, or "Like" someone's status. I'm just saying that if you're tempted to turn the computer screen away so your husband won't see, you have an issue.

2. Remember that work relationships can easily cross the line

If I can be totally transparent here, the only times in my marriage when I have even been remotely attracted to another man has been in a work situation, when that guy really did not know Keith. Now, those things never went anywhere, and it wasn't as if I had a crush or anything, it's just the only times I ever even noticed that a guy was attractive were in scenarios where my husband didn't know the man, like during my university days.

In a work situation, it's very easy to think of yourself as separate from your husband, because your coworkers don't tend to know him. And that's when these things can creep in.

Now, I haven't been in very many work situations in my marriage, so this really hasn't been an issue for me. But most men are in these work situations all the time, and many women are constantly, too. We need to guard against these things.

So set boundaries where you work, and don't start texting or Facebooking a coworker inappropriately.

I was texting a co-worker (someone I'm often on tour with) recently about a few things, but Keith was right in the car with me, and I was reading it as I texted it. (and laughed and read his reply out loud to Keith, too). I don't think that's a big problem. But texting constantly, when your husband doesn't know, is wrong.

3. Don't chat

Communicating information is one thing (sometimes with coworkers we have to); chatting is an entirey different story. I can't really think of a scenario in which Facebook chat with a man who is not your husband is appropriate. If he needs counseling, for instance, you're not the one to give it to him anyway. If it's an old friend you've just found after twenty years, it's more important to write a long "catch up" letter, with pictures of your kids and husband, etc., then it is to chat.

Chatting really starts a relationship and some intimacy, so don't do it.

4. Talk about these boundaries with your husband

If it's your husband that's violating these boundaries, you need to talk about it. But asking him about a specific woman will often backfire. Instead, why not wait until you're both relaxed and having fun, and then ask if you can talk about general boundaries.

Ask him what he's comfortable with you doing: does he think it's okay for you to text other men? To talk on Facebook to other men? To go out to lunch with male coworkers? How should you decide? Make it about you first. Then talk about him.

Ask if you can regularly use his phone, and tell him he's always welcome to check your phone. Leave it in a central place, and ask him to do the same.

If he can't agree, then you have an issue, and you need to speak firmly about that. Affairs often begin over an emotional connection that people have made, and it's easy to make that emotional connection over technology.

The problem with texting and Facebook is that while they can easily start a relationship, we see them as far less personal than phone calls, so we're far more likely to do them. I may never have picked up the phone and called an old boyfriend, for instance, but if he's up on Facebook, that's when people find it easy to "chat". You wouldn't phone, but you'd chat, and quite honestly, chatting can be worse. We'll often type things we would never actually say, because it seems as if there's a technological boundary between us. But there really isn't. And it's all too easy to step over that line.

This problem is only going to get worse as we're all connected constantly, so we have to step in now. Set up boundaries. Make an open policy towards everything you do online or with your phone. Share passwords. Let him know that you WANT to be open with him, and ask him to do the same. And then be smart. Just because you don't feel something for a guy now, and you have no intention of going down that road, does not mean that it wouldn't develop if you started talking to him all the time. So don't take the risk, and keep your eyes on your man!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to draw boundaries around what you did with technology? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Who Is Your Romantic Fantasy?

2011-04-27T07:06:00.000-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

When I was 9 years old I was in love with Chachi. I used to dream that I was just a few years older and I was asked to star in his TV show, and he kissed me and decided that he loved me. I would work out all kinds of different plots for the show, all of which involved him falling head over heels for me, because he was so wonderfully cute.

Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don't stop.

photo © 2007 Jennifer Stoddart | more info (via: Wylio)
I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a "crush" on some big star--either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.

Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:

Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I'm sick of seeing married women talk about how "hunky" some hockey star is, or how "hot" some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.

We've told men that we women don't like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.

I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of "sexual liberation". In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women's empowerment to say that a guy was "hot", or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren't allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.

We've now internalized that, so that we think it's fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn't. Even if your husband says it doesn't bother him, it's still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.

We women often hear messages against romance novels, because these will wreck your marriage. But can I please ask married women to stop posting about hockey players on Facebook, too? And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don't tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.

You should be your husband's biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn't harmless, even if you're never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you're not truly committed to loving only him.

I'm working on a long post about what to do when your husband doesn't want sex as often as you do! It's the most common email question I get, and I wanted to do it justice, so I'll be coming out with a long video post about it next week!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Do you see this trend on Facebook or among your friends? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesay: Why Marriage Matters

2011-04-20T07:16:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Today I want to do something different. Instead of writing a long post on why marriage is important, I thought I'd just post this really well-done 2 minute video clip. Watch it!

That's the truth. Too many people think that "living together" is good practice for marriage, because when you live together, you learn about each other. But living together and marriage actually have very little in common. When you're married, it's based on a commitment. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to learn to love you. I'm going to learn to consider your needs.

Living together, on the other hand, is based on "testing". Is he meeting my needs? Is he making me feel loved? And when you're always testing, he'll always fail.

That's also why, in my opinion, marriages that follow cohabitation are 70% more likely to fail than marriages where the couple did not live together first. The relationship didn't start out in this testing mode.

For a marriage to work, commitment has to be at the root. When it's just about "love", or "feeling good", or "making my needs met", it won't work. Cohabitation is only about feelings, not commitment. You need the promise to keep a relationship together.

I wish more couples understood that. So spread that video around! Hit "share on Facebook" below, or "share on Twitter". Thanks!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Avoiding Marriage Ruts

2011-04-13T06:48:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Today this post is also linking up to Works for Me Wednesday at We are THAT Family. Head on over to WFMW to find out more awesome ideas to make your life simpler and more creative!

photo © 2007 Tom Godber | more info (via: Wylio)
Many of us have hit ruts in our marriage. We live together. We chauffeur children together. We manage paychecks, and bills, and grocery lists, and karate lessons, and our parents' doctors appointments. But we don't seem to have FUN.

We often feel mildly put out. He'll be at work all day, and when he gets home, he collapses in a chair, turns on the TV, and ignores the kids. Come to think of it, he ignores us, too. And then, at the end of the day, guess what he wants? One more thing on the to-do list.

Don't let your marriage hit a rut! There is a way out, and it's actually relatively simple. It just takes a mental shift.

Often when we are upset in our marriages it is because we focus on the marriage's areas of weakness. We don't communicate well. He doesn't do enough of the housework. He leaves all the childcare to me. All he thinks about is sex. Etc. Etc.

Yet the marriages that tend to last tend to be the ones where people focus on their strengths. So let's say that you're in a marriage where you really don't seem to communicate well. It's hard to raise something that's an issue to you. He never shares his feelings. You now have two choices: you can pound away at the communication issue, trying to get him to open up, and get frustrated in the process, or you can let it go for a while. If you pound away, he's likely to get annoyed, and retreat, and you're likely to get even more bitter.

Another strategy is to say, "what do we do well together?" Maybe he doesn't open up well, but maybe he really enjoys doing active things together as a family. Maybe you talk a lot when you take drives in the country. Maybe he gets excited when you look at the stock market together and plan your financial savings strategy. Or maybe you need to think back a little further.

When's the last time you really laughed together? Had fun together? Relaxed together? What were you doing? Maybe a few years ago you pulled out a puzzle, and realized he really liked doing puzzles, and you liked it, too, but you haven't pulled one out since. Maybe you're awesome at playing Monopoly together.

What are your strengths as a couple? Are you sporty together? Can you lead a great Bible study together? Are you good youth leaders at church? Are you both musical? Are you good at painting a room together or fixing up the house? Figure out what you can do together that makes you feel energized, and that touches your interests and/or gifts. And then do more of it!

So often we squeeze out the stuff that we do well together because "more important" things come along. The kids have hockey. They have homework. I have to clean the house. But it is just as important to function well as a couple and to feel competent and capable together. In fact, perhaps it's more important.

When you have children, your marriage is now more important, not less, because other people are counting on you! If there was something you once enjoyed doing together, and you've cut it out of your life, bring it back--especially if you're having problems. If you can spend some time in this area of strength, it can refocus your marriage. You start to look forward to being together again. It reinforces the reasons that you're a good couple. And as you do that, the areas of weakness tend to fade, for two reasons.

First, we stop noticing them and giving them so much importance. But perhaps more importantly, when we build our friendship and our identity as a couple, we tend to build a good foundation for the rest of the relationship. Work on companionship, and sex tends to improve. Work on fun, and communication tends to improve. Don't push these things, of course; but you'll likely find that you both are better able to function in all areas of your relationship when you start focusing on your strengths, instead of your weaknesses.

After all, God doesn't spend all His time with us in our areas of weakness. He may point things out, but He doesn't do it all at once. He also just likes to talk to us, and meet with us. He wants to grow the relationship, not just lecture us. Shouldn't our marriage relationship reflect the same kind of grace and acceptance?

So today, whether your marriage is a good one or not, ask yourself: what do we do well together? Ski? Camp? Play games? Plan? Hike? Drive? And whatever it is, make a point of doing it together at least once a week. You just may find that your attitude, and his, takes a dramatic turn!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

And if you enjoyed this post, please hit "Share" on Facebook, Twitter, Stumbleupon, or wherever else you visit!

Wifey Wednesday: Does Your Hubby Help you Lose Weight or Hurt You?

2011-04-06T07:03:00.002-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

Photo by puuikibeach

Have you ever noticed how good looking forensic scientists are? I was unaware of this remarkable fact until a recent stay in a hotel allowed me to catch a few episodes of CSI (we don’t have a television at home). And while my initial thought was, “boy that’s graphic,” my take-away was, “Wow, they’re all gorgeous.” Were I at a murder scene, I doubt I’d be wearing heels and a designer suit, let alone look like I just left the hairdresser’s. Apparently, though, when examining a corpse for foreign substances, mascara is a must.

I’m not sure if men truly appreciate how insecure we women are about our appearance. Sure, they'd like six-pack abs, and a full head of hair would be nice, but that’s nothing compared to all the hype we have to meet. It starts as a little girl, when we’re presented with our first Barbie. For those of you who did not have the opportunity to become intimately acquainted with her, she’s a mutant. Were she life size, she would be 44-12-22, and certain anatomical features, prominent on the upper half of her body, would prevent her from standing upright.

For the last few months I’ve been pounding out a manuscript for a book that’s coming out next year called The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex. And in writing it, I took surveys of a few thousand men and women. One of the things that saddened me in reading through the answers was how many women are berated by their husbands for not losing weight. Their husbands tell them that they’re not attracted to them anymore because they’re not a size 4. Or they question their menu choices at restaurants.

I can see both sides of the story here: I know it’s hard for men when their wives let themselves go, because men do like to appreciate women’s bodies. But here’s the thing: it does men absolutely no good to harp on their wives about it. In fact, it makes things worse. Many women want to lose weight but they can’t seem to motivate themselves to do anything about it, which leads us on a vicious spiral downward. If husbands then start withholding affection, or questioning menu choices at restaurants, we'll feel even more insecure. And that’s not going to motivate her to try something as life altering as losing weight!

Two things, I think, help a woman actually get motivated to lose weight: feeling closer to God and thus more aware of her role as a wife, and feeling sexually confident. When we are sexually confident, we want to be MORE sexy. When we are sexually scared, or feel as if we’re pretty pathetic, we tend to retreat even more. If guys would just listen to me about this, here's the advice I would give them:

Spend lots of time wooing her, trying new things, talking about what plus sized lingerie you like, and pursuing her. And give her a budget to buy clothes that make her look dynamite! (Lots of clothes are out there for large women). Doing so doesn’t mean that you’ve resigned yourself to the extra 100 pounds; doing so means that you’re saying, “I want you to feel confident, and I want our sex life to be great”.

Then make sure you’re leading the household: in devotions, in prayer, even in menu choices. As you do these things, and grow closer to her, I think you build communication so you can talk about it, but you also build her confidence so that she is now empowered to change. But above all, love her as she is. It's acceptance that helps people feel motivated to get better, not rejection. Rejection causes insecurity, resentment, and defeat. Acceptance makes one feel confident.

Unfortunately, I don't think many men would listen to me on this, as is evidenced by the number of women describing how much their husbands put down their appearance.

So here's what I would say to you women who are struggling with how you look: go out of your way to look amazing, even if you are 100 pounds more than you'd like to be. Dress well. Put on makeup. Get an attractive hair style. Take care of yourself. So much of "sexiness" is all in attitude, anyway. And as you feel more confident, you'll likely feel more energetic, too. Looks should never define us, but let's face it: in marriage, they do play a role. Men are visually stimulated. So do all you can to stimulate your man! When you feel more confident, it will be easier to make pretty much any change you've been wanting to.

Now I want to know: how do you handle it if your husband puts you down because of your weight? Has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Maybe your experiences can help someone else!

What advice do you have for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: Should We Be Upset when Our Husbands Are Tempted?

2011-03-30T07:06:00.001-04:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I received an email recently from a woman who is engaged. She was absolutely flabbergasted and stunned when her fiance admitted to her that he is tempted to look at other women (even though he turns away and really tries not to). How could she marry someone who thought other women were attractive?

I think this is a common concern, and so I thought today in Wifey Wednesday I'd try to give us a way to look at how we should react when men admit that they're temped to gaze at attractive women.

First, I totally understand how hurt most women are when they find out their guys are tempted by porn, or even just a pretty woman--even if they don't do anything about it. It's totally natural to be upset because it feels like he doesn't think we're enough. But I think the reason that we women often get hurt over things like this is that we honestly don't understand men.

Their sex drives are just completely different from ours (I'm in the middle of writing a book about this right now!). They really are primarily visual. If a man sees a pretty woman, his body automatically starts to respond, in the same way that if you were to walk in the front door, even if you weren't hungry, and you smelled chocolate chip cookies just out of the oven, your mouth would start to water, whether you really wanted them or not. Even if you weren't seeking it out, you respond. There's nothing wrong with that.

It's just a temptation. It doesn't mean that he's going to do anything (and, in fact, if your hubby or fiance is talking to you about it I'd say you were luckier than 90% of women, because he's being honest and open). If he's noticing that a woman is attractive, and then he's pulling his eyes away, he's only being tempted. He's not sinning. He hasn't decided to do anything; in fact, he's decided to turn from the temptation, which is exactly what he should be doing.

I would be concerned if he's actually into pornography, because that's a huge issue for so many guys today. Every married woman should make sure there are controls on the computer. But what you don't want to do is make him feel so badly that he can't come to you when he's struggling, or that he feels like you really don't understand him.

We women have our own weaknesses that we struggle with, just in a different way. We're far more likely to gossip/bad mouth our mates to other women, thinking that we're just being helpful. We're far more likely to judge and to nag. We're far more likely to be selfish in the sexual realm, rather than giving and open as wives, mostly because we don't understand men.

If you're married or engaged to a man who really loves God, who is trying to follow Him, who is aware of his own natural weaknesses, who loves you and is trying to be accountable, and is committed to purity, then celebrate! You can't expect him not to notice an attractive woman, though, any more than you can expect yourself not to water at chocolate chip cookies. But if he doesn't stare, if he turns away, if he closes his eyes during certain scenes in movies, then he is being pure.

The temptation is not the sin; entertaining the temptation is.

On the other hand, if you're married to someone who is tempted and gives into that temptation--by staring at random strangers, or by looking at porn--then you do need to talk to him. We shouldn't tolerate our husbands watching porn, because it will jus get worse, and it will likely affect his sex drive for the worse, too. It will make real intimacy during sex that much harder to achieve. But even if he doesn't use porn, if he looks at other women, or comments on them, that's hurtful.

Tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand the temptation, but that he promised to love you and you alone. You're worth it.

And then act like a woman who is worth it! Be confident. Dress attractively. Give him something to look at! Buy lingerie and let him see it sometimes. It's hard to demand that men not look at other women if we simultaneously never really encourage them to look at us. No, you shouldn't put up with him staring at other women or lusting after other women. But if it's just a temptation, don't blow at him. And make sure that you are feeding his visual side at times, too!

I'd love to hear from women who have struggled in their marriages with this. Leave a comment (anonymously if you want) to let me know how you've dealt with this. Or, do you have something else to tell us to encourage us in our marriages today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!

Wifey Wednesday: When You Think He's a Bad Parent

2011-03-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!

I've been talking a bit about parenting toddlers on the blog lately, and in the meantime I've received some emails by women who are exasperated with their husbands as fathers. This is a really common conflict in marriage. You think you should discipline one way, and he thinks you should discipline another. You're sure you're right. He's sure he's right. You're at a standstill.

In this situation, instead of looking for a marriage resolution, most people just try to convince the other that they are a bad parent. If you're at that point, can I ask you this question: what is your desired outcome? Is it that he admit he was completely wrong and that you are completely right and that he needs to change?

Imagine if that happened. Would that actually be the best thing? It seems to me that what a marriage needs is for both partners to respect and love each other, and what a child needs is to feel that her parents love her and love each other.

When you think you're right, and he's morally wrong, though, it's all too easy to set up a situation where it's you and your children against him. You triangulate him out of the picture. You drive a wedge between him and his kids. And even if he isn't parenting appropriately, he has a right to a good relationship with his kids without you undermining it.

I've been in a similar situation with my husband and my oldest daughter a few years ago. I felt he was being overly harsh with her, and I found myself constantly going into her room and apologizing for what her dad did. After a few months of that, I found that she got mad at him far more easily than she ever had before because she had confirmation from me that he was a bad father. I had meant to just console her and make her feel better about herself, but instead I made the rift between her and her father greater. And even if her father was wrong, she still owed him some respect (again, we're not talking about abuse; we're just talking about someone being overly harsh). I realized that she would do better respecting him and loving him, even if he were overly harsh, than she would if I was always telling her what a bad father he was.

Instead, I worked at having fun as a family. I made sure we laughed together a lot, to try to break up some of this dynamic of the two of them not wanting to be together. And, once we had laughed a lot more as a family for several months, and there was a lot of goodwill between us, I talked to my husband about the fact that I felt he was being too harsh. He didn't like it, but he listened, and now they're really close again.

But I realized in all of that how easy it is to drive a rift between a spouse and your children. It's natural to do; we're worried about our kids, we think our spouse is wrong, and so we gravitate towards our kids and get their affirmation. We start emotionally aligning with our children instead of our spouse, which is dangerous.

When you drive a wedge between your kids and your husband, you don’t actually improve anybody’s relationship, even if your concern is that your children's emotional health will be harmed with your husband’s attitude. You’re really driving them even further apart.

You also give your husband the impression that he is the “extra” one in the relationship, the one that isn’t needed. The only way for him to now cope is to double down and be even more harsh to try to assert his authority. The thought process that is going through this head now is, “I’m going to make them listen to me!”, even if it’s not at a conscious level. He is fighting to make himself relevant, because he’s being pushed aside.

What I would suggest is that you change the dynamic. Why don’t you consider yourself an ally with your husband? He is your husband, after all. Work on that relationship before you even address the issue with your kids. He isn’t going to be willing to talk until he knows that you also respect him, and he likely currently doesn’t feel that you do. You may think that there’s nothing he’s doing that’s worthy of respect, but by having that attitude you’re driving him away and making him even less likely to help.

So why not find some common ground? Try to start doing fun things together. Play board games. Suggest that after dinner you do something fun. Go for a walk (when it warms up). Play Monopoly. Play on the Wii. I don’t know what you as a family like to do, but if you don’t have any hobbies, develop some! Spend some time just laughing together and building memories. Be a family again. It may take some time to think of something like this, but it sounds like you are stuck where you never do anything fun together. And if your kids and your husband never laugh together, they are not going to solve your differences. You simply must find things to do as a family.

And then, stick up for your husband. When your children are disrespecting him (even if your husband is in the wrong), tell your kids that they should not be speaking to their father that way. If your children are old enough to negotiate a relationship with their dad, then talk to them. Tell them,

“I know you’re angry at him. But living your life angry at your father is not a good life. You need to find a way to relate to him. So why not start thanking him for one thing that he does a day? Just one thing. Start thinking of him more positively. Be nice to him. You owe that to him. He is your father. And part of the reason you are always fighting is that you don’t give him what you owe him. If you feel hurt by what he says, then you need to go to him and explain that. But think about this: he is far more likely to listen to you if you have taken time to give him the respect and love he deserves as your father. So for the next month, smile at him. Thank him. Give him respect. And once you see the dynamic of your relationship change, then talk to him. Tell him when something he says hurts you. Because you do not want to live your life separate from your dad.”

You need to put the onus on your children (if they're old enough) to talk to their father and do their part to repair the relationship. Then you can say the same thing to your husband:

“You are driving your kids away, and I know you don’t want to do that. So for a month, why don’t you try just praising them whenever they do something good? Watch for the good things. And as you notice more good things, then they'll be happier with you and more willing to listen when you have changes you want them to make.”

He is parenting differently from the way you would. That doesn’t mean he’s right; but he is their father, and you are his wife. So try to build goodwill and make sure that you have time to laugh as a family. Do that first. Then talk to them each individually and tell them that it is up to them to repair the rift. Get out of the way. Right now, you are hurting your relationship with them because you are driving him out of his children's life (even if you are right).

Remember, too, that you may not be right. I know many women who are far too permissive with the children, never disciplining them, and the husband becomes harsh in response. He overcompensates. Frequently when we have these arguments, that's the dynamic; we're overcompensating for each other, instead of finding a happy medium. If your husband is calling your kids names, that obviously is an issue. But you aren't going to be able to address it until you build some goodwill and show him some respect.

There may be times you do need to intervene to protect your kids from your husband. If he calls kids hurtful names routinely and with a mean spirit, or if he hits them, then you need to take steps to protect them. Talk to a mentor or pastor about this. But often we women label things "abusive" that are not actually abusive. They're simply different from the way we would do them, and we build up in our minds how bad our husbands are because we think we're the good parent. So please, before you take harsh action, really look at the situation. Is he abusive, or is he merely harsher than you want him to be?

I have friends who grew up with harsh parents, but they love those parents today because they know that their parents loved them when they grew up. Harshness, in and of itself, does not ruin a child’s life or personality, as long as it is accompanied by love (it is not ideal, but it is also not as psychologically destructive as other things). On the other hand, I have seen many adults very messed up because their parents played them off against each other, rather than presenting a united front and loving each other.

Remember that one day your children will move out, and you will be left with your husband. Your whole life cannot be your children; you have to build intimacy, goodwill, and friendship in your marriage. He may not be an overly willing partner, but you can try just to change the dynamic and have some fun. Show him you respect him. Thank him for things he does do that are good. That will do a lot more for your children's relationship with him than for you to be always trying to get in between the two of them!

Now, what advice do you have for us today? Have you ever had to confront your fantasies and throw them aside? How did you do it? Or do you have something else to tell us? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!