Growing Up

2011-12-09T20:17:00.001-05:00

It's too late to look back and try to fix what can't be fixed.
It's too late to undo the you that you were.
All you can do is disbee the frantic sight to see.

2011-11-13T08:17:00.001-05:00

Visiting Europe has been one of my best life decisions. The wonder, the magic, the cafes, the people...all my thoughts slowed down to try to absorb the present before I step into the future of the next hour, the next minute. But you can never absorb the present completely, the human mind cannot handle it.

The present has always been a gift, so try to take it in as much as you can, there won't be second chances. It is true that you can change the future, but you will never be able to change the past, because it is no longer your present.

2011-10-21T16:40:00.001-04:00

Life is hard. Life is good. It's the mixture of both. For some it tastes bitter, for others it tastes sweet. It all depends on what has been mixed, and what taste you pay more attention to.

2011-10-20T20:56:00.000-04:00

You can't lose inspiration. What are you going to do without it? A repetitive step upon step of traditional ideas so that stability is the only grown up way to live your life? No, that is what you've chosen to believe, and that will take you nowhere (nowhere that matters). You must let go if you want to live your life.

2011-10-20T20:53:00.000-04:00

Dreams, hopes, commingled in a weary thread of thought in a deep wonder line of ponder in a conspicuous world of theories and doubts, doubting every reality of wonder and imagination.

2011-10-12T01:20:00.001-04:00

I'm wired up thinking of the possibilities for my life. The grandeur structure of all that I'm to live and experience: every ounce of taste, smell, touch, sight; all consumed in a wonderful bliss of the only life I have to live. This is me, today, tomorrow, and until the very last day I walk on this planet.

2011-10-05T16:40:00.003-04:00

There are just some people in life you don't want to be around. It can be family, co-workers, classmates... you then have to decide what you're going to do about it, are you going to avoid? Be blunt? Or endure? Whatever you choose you'll face different consequences. There is no easy way out.

Just Joking? Really?

2010-07-17T21:30:00.003-04:00

“At the British Open, Tiger Woods will be playing with a new putter for the first time in 11 years. I guess his old putter was just plain worn out. If I were him I’d keep that a secret. You don’t want to go around announcing you stuck with a putter longer than you stuck with your wife. Right? He should keep his Johnson in his Levis.” – Jimmy Fallon

Berys Gaut poses the question “When is it wrong to laugh?”. I think that is what defines if a joke is unethical or not. Even though the joke about Mr. Woods is hilarious, it can still be unethical because Mr. Woods' infidelity is only the business of his family and friends, no one else. By making a joke out of something so personal Mr. Fallon is being unethical.

According to Gaut, a moralist is one who believes that our sense of humor is fully answerable to ethical considerations; and an anti-moralist is one who believes that in removing cruelty from a joke, you automatically remove its humor.

In relation to the joke, Mr. Fallon is making an observation on character and values, in that infidelity is something to be ashamed of, so “keep it a secret” that your putter lasted longer than your marriage so that the media won't continue to make you out as a joke. What Mr. Fallon says I find it to be hilarious and at the same time a character check-up for Mr. Woods. I see this joke as ethical and unethical. Ethical because it is rude for the right reasons, that Mr. Woods' infidelity is something to be ashamed of; and unethical because it is none of Mr. Fallon's businesses to talk of someone's personal life, even though he gets paid to be unethical.

According to Mr. Gaut, moralism is a strong thesis: ethically bad joke-tokens are not funny; and Amoralism being the view that the ethical and the humorous do not interact at all, in other words “Jokes cannot manifest ethically bad attitudes”. In the case of this joke, it manifests ethically good and bad attitudes: the good attitude that it manifests is fidelity, the bad attitude that it manifests is gossip. So I disagree with the view of amoralism, I believe that jokes can manifest bad attitudes, I just think that if particular jokes manifest such bad attitudes, that they shouldn't be spoken or publicized. The continuation of what seems to be “harmless” jokes, is in my opinion one of the things that hinders the evolution of the human mind.

Floating

2010-05-25T16:36:00.000-04:00

On an island of tranquility, floating free
But it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I miss?
Anxiety implosions
Adrenaline explosions
My heart in my chest like a fist
It’s funny the things that you miss
When you’re floating on an island of tranquility

- Todd Orchulek

The Wakening of Wonder at What Is Really There

2010-05-08T12:01:00.001-04:00

C. S. Lewis’s keen penetrating sense of his own heart’s aching for Joy, combined with his utter amazement at the sheer, objective realness of things other than himself, has over and over awakened me from the slumbers of self-absorption to see and savor the world and through the world, the Maker of the world. And this sense of wonder at what is—really is—has carried over into doctrine, and the gospel in particular.
Lewis gave me, and continues to give me, an intense sense of the astonishing “realness? of things. He had the ability to see and feel what most of us see and do not see. He had what Alan Jacobs called “omnivorous attentiveness.” ⁴⁰ I love that phrase. What this has done for me is hard to communicate. To wake up in the morning and to be aware of the firmness of the mattress, the warmth of the sun’s rays, the sound of the clock ticking, the coldness of the wooden floor, the wetness of the water in the sink, the sheer being of things (quiddity as he called it). And not just to be aware but to wonder. To be amazed that the water is wet. It did not have to be wet. If there were no such thing as water, and one day some one showed it to you, you would simply be astonished.
He helped me become alive to life. To look at the sunrise and with say with an amazed smile, “God did it again!” He helped me to see what is there in the world—things which if we didn’t have them, we would pay a million dollars to have, but having them, ignore. He convicts me of my callous inability to enjoy God’s daily gifts. He helps me to awaken my dazed soul so that the realities of life and of God and heaven and hell are seen and felt. I could go on about the good effect of this on preaching, and the power of communication. But it has been precious mainly just for living.

An extraction from John Piper's "Lessons from an Inconsolable Soul"

You Learn

2010-04-22T01:21:00.000-04:00

*After some time you learn the difference, the subtle difference between giving a hand and fettering a soul;
*And you learn that to love doesn't mean to support yourself, and that company doesn't always mean security.
*And you learn that kisses are not contracts and that gifts are not promises.
*And you start to accept your loss with your head up and eyes straight ahead, with the grace of a grown-up, not the sadness of a child.
*You learn to build the roads of today, because tomorrow's land is too unknown to make plans and the future usually falls from nowhere.
*After a while you learn that the sun burns if you expose yourself to it for very long.
*And you learn that it doesn’t matter how much you care, some people just don’t.
*And you accept that it doesn’t matter how good someone can be, they will hurt you once in a while and you have to forgive them for that.
*And you learn that talking can be a relief to emotional pain.
*You learn that it takes years to build trust and just seconds to destroy it, and you can do things in a second that you will regret for the rest of your life…
*You learn that friendship continuous to grow even with the distance and that what matters is not what you have in life, but who you are in life.
*And you learn that you don’t have to change friends if you understand that friends change, and you realize that you and your friend can do nothing or everything and still have good times together.
*And you learn that the people you care the most are taken away from you too fast, that is why we should always say caring things to those we love, because it might be the last time we see them…
*And you learn that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but to the best you can become.
*You learn that it takes a long time for you to become the person you want to be, and that life is too short.
*And you learn that it doesn't matter where you've already gotten to, but where you are going, and if you don't know where you're going, anywhere will do.
*You learn that either you control your acts or they will control you, and that being flexible doesn't mean you are being weak, or that you don't have a personality, for no matter how delicate and fragile a situation is, there are always two sides of it.
*And you learn that heroes are those that did only what was necessary...
*You learn that patience requires a lot of practice.
*You find out that sometimes the person that you expect to kick you when you fall, is one of the few that will help you up.
*You learn that maturity is about what kind of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, not how many birthdays you have already celebrated.
*You learn that there's more of your parents in you than you suppose.
*You learn that you should never tell a child that dreams are foolishness, few things are so humiliating that it would be a tragedy if he believed that.
*You learn that when you are angry you have the right to be angry, but that does not give you the right to be cruel.
*You learn that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, it doesn't mean that the person doesn't know how to love, and s/he loves you as much as s/he can, because there are people who love you, but simply don't know how to show it.
*You learn that being forgiven is never enough, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
*You learn that with the same harshness that you judge, you someday, will be condemned.
*You learn that no matter how many pieces your heart was broken into, the world doesn't stop so you can fix it.
*You learn that you cannot go back in time, so you have to take care of your garden and not wait for someone to bring you flowers.
*And you learn you can really bear it, that you're really strong and that you can go farther than you think, and that life has a value and you have a value before life!
*And you learn that our doubts are disloyal and that makes us lose what we could achieve, if it weren’t for the fear of trying.

- William Shakespeare

She's Out of My League

2010-03-15T02:21:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went to go see "She's Out of My League". What a film! Seriously! I haven't seen a fun film like this in years! The title already gives you an idea of what the film is about. So I'm not going to spend my time talking about it. Instead, you should just go see it for yourself. Yeahhhh, the ending is predictable...but so what? It won't be a waste of your time or money.

The film got me thinking...is this beautiful actress as fun as the character she plays in the film? Most guys would agree with me, that this girl is a keeper! Forget about the perfect girl to bring to dad and mom, just think about someone you can share your life with. This is the girl.

You know what the problem is though? People change. Some for better, others for worse. You may very well find this someone that is "out of your league", but for how long will you feel lucky to have him/her by your side? Not because you've been spoiled, but because he/she has changed. This person is now someone you feel rarely connected to. Can you imagine that happening in your marriage? God forbid! You can risk it all while you guys are dating, but the whole "I do, for better or for worse" seems to me, bound for disaster. Unless there is a genuine love.

I've been avoiding getting in any serious relationship because I don't see myself getting married. I'm single, and I love it. But I do wonder if a girl like the one in the film would come across me someday. Would I run away, because I'd fear falling head-over-heels for her? Or would I do my best to win over her heart? I don't know, but it's a nice fear not being able to predict myself.

Digital Arcadia

2010-02-28T23:59:00.000-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

Today I was walking through the Mall and came across the arcade. This arcade has not been there that long--I would give it 5 years? I don't consider that a long time as an arcade, but that's just a matter of opinion I guess...

Anyways...I was remembering this Arcade when it first started, it was called "Dream Machine." It was 3 times the size that it is today, and it had 2 entrances, one for each side of the Mall, great marketing strategy. In those days an arcade was the "video game heaven", seriously, the graphics were way better than the first nintendo (which I think was about 16 bits). Nintendo was the most recent system out in the market for home distribution. So you can imagine what children, teenagers and adults felt when they entered through those doors at the arcade--they would rush to get there, and delay as much as possible to leave.

Today, while I looked around me and saw the few arcade machines that seemed a little out of date, I thought of why the experience was so different then, then it is today. Games can now even be seen in High Definition! It's crazy!

As home games surpassed the arcade, they also fail someway. The comfort of always having the games accesible depreciates the value and pleasure it has to offer. If the best games could only be found in the arcade, people would enjoy it much more, I would bet my money on that! It's sad to say, but it is a lot like marriage these days--once people know that their partner is theirs for life, they tend to lose appreciation for the other. So if you lose appreciation, you lose the joy. Unfortunately it is what it is, sad, but true.

I missed the arcade days as I stood looking around me in that empty digital room. I don't think things will go back to how they were, the profit that the video game manufacturers are making by providing them to home users has no comparison to the extra charge they made to the arcades. There will have to be some serious arcade system manufacturers, if we ever hope see changes in this part of the digital era.

Wounded Pride

2010-01-16T15:41:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine was just watching me spend hours on the new iPhone I got and said to me "Get a life! Go out and see your friends, talk to real people".

Rebukes definitely aren't very welcome unless I ask for advice, it's been this way with me for a long time and I assume that the rest of the world shares in my unwelcoming. But after giving it a pause, holding my tongue instead of saying something like "Go mind your own business", I was then able to intake what my pride was not wanting to accept, the truth.

Most of us tend to reject comments when they aren't spoken with kindness. Because the words weren't kind we see them as ungodly, therefore not being the will of God. When in fact those words could be God's will for our lives. This causes our hearts to become so hard that we can't be transformed. Humility must reign over us if we hope to impact this world.

What to do when your Mother isn't going to come back

2009-09-30T09:31:00.001-04:00

I have been teaching English to a 14 year old for over a month now.
The first thing I knew about her was that her mom had passed away and she needed to do something to stay busy and get her mind off her loss, so her aunt put her to take English classes here. At first I observed and prayed, asking God to guide me. Things seem OK when we interact. But today I felt a deep sorrow as I imagined what her life must be like outside of this school. What a crushing life when looking unto the future, why do anything in this life? What good future awaits her without her mother? I would just want to lay in bed and not get up, just drown in sorrow, suck it all up. That's at least what I think would be my way of dealing with this, I hope she's dealing better with her grief.

News

2009-09-17T13:29:00.002-04:00

Lot to tell, but for now I will just generalize:

I've been living in Campos dos Goytacazes, located in the state of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It's considered a very big town (almost city), I don't know what requires it to be a city. But I have been living here Mondays-Fridays teaching English at a school of languages.

Night life here is pretty fun, much to do. The cons of living here are Sundays which almost no place is opened. The pros are that I stay at my hometown on Sundays :)

Adapting

2008-12-19T10:52:00.002-05:00

At the moment I am writing to you from Brazil, to be specific the town of Itaperuna in the state of Rio de Janeiro (about 6 hours bus drive). Ever since I got here all that there has been has been rain falling and falling, today is the first sunny day for me down here.

But lets get to business...I was given an 8 page paper given to me for my ENG200 course. The paper was on two important characters that played a minor part in Shakespeare's play Measure for Measure. Stretching these minor characters into 8 pages felt a bit of a challenge to me since my natural tendencies are to summarize rather than specify. For some reason I felt that if I had a laptop I could move around the house and dive into my creativity more. So after picking up Priscilla from work I told her that I was going to borrow a laptop from a friend of mine instead of using the desktop she has at home. Her immediate reaction was "no". Why would she have an issue with this? She then starts telling me that I need to adapt to my surroundings, work with the things I already have. I could have intellectually argued well with her, but I chose to listen and see what things I should possibly pay more attention to and work on them. And let me tell you, it was indeed good to keep my mouth shut for that time, I spent all afternoon thinking about what she said.

Later the next day I concluded my opinion in two things: What she said benefited me, for there are a # of things that I need to adapt to. The second thing was that we should adapt if we are not happy. What I mean by that is that we must find ways of being happy with what God has given us today. But we must not confuse being happy with what we have, and finding ways of being more efficient if that takes acquiring products or the means to get the job done.

My overall conclusion is: adapt if you are not happy. If you are happy and you need to accomplish something and their are more efficient ways of getting that done than stop trying to adapt and get out of your "Circle of Acquaintance"- the familiar, and get the job done with all resources and with all your hard work.

Change Is Coming

2008-11-05T00:46:00.004-05:00

As I watched on Television Barack Obama become the 44th President of the United States of America I couldn't keep from smiling. As I heard his first speech as President I did feel hopeful for America, I do see that change is coming, and I do see him reuniting the gaps that have divided and weakened our Nation as a whole. I can see that his election as President won't just be a positive impact for our Nation but for the World at large. Sure certain things will take time due to our financial crisis, but it's a new day, change is coming!

Good People Don't Exist

2008-11-01T19:19:00.003-04:00

What is it about humanity that feels that right to label people as "good" or "bad", as if anyone is good enough to nominate another? People aren't good, pick a person in your life, someone you really know, someone you live or lived with, start making a list of his or her faults, it can be anyone, even mom and dad. If you're really honest you'll have a list bad enough to deem the person as "not good". At the same time I know that a short blog wouldn't be enough to "make" my case, it would take a few chapters in which I don't wish to spend long hours proving that nobody is good, I don't think its very productive to do, it would be more of a depressing book than anything. Than after a barrel of cold water on the readers' face there wouldn't be a real book of "how to become good", only one that encourages that God loves you the way you are and is willing to help you on this journey to being more like him.

Sleep

2008-10-27T01:46:00.003-04:00

For about a year now I have been having difficulty going to bed before 4am. Part of it was due to me studying late at night. Its consistency lead to make it difficult to sleep early. In order for me to get back to sleeping early I must go to bed at a constant time and wake up at a constant time (midnight-8am) no matter if I'm sleepy or don't want to get up, its what I've gotta do to get back in track.

Its hard, you know? But as I think of it everything in life is like that, to get rid of bad habits you need to work to be consistent with good habits. This way, your will can empower core change in your life, whether that be habits or character.

Evil - Old, boring, devastating

2008-04-25T13:19:00.000-04:00

Throughout history men have fought for power, a swallowing siege of worthless full blotted selfish appetite. The groans of the ages have seen evil at its one sided image, its always one sided.

Reform and the Great Awakening in the Early Nineteenth Century

2007-11-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

In the Great Awakening movement people were encouraged to achieve perfection and salvation, which also gave a push for each one to take hold of his or her own destiny. Not only did the numbers of conversions increase but also the progress of the nation that soon became the era of “The Reformer”. As the paper reads “If people could choose good over evil, they could eradicate sin from the world.” , this was an opportunity for each one to fight for what's right, to not allow the law to rule against people's consciousness of what should or shouldn't be. I don't think Emerson would've had much impact if it wasn't for the Great Awakening, as to the 2nd Great Awakening I don't know, I haven't done much study on it, but the First Great Awakening seemed to be authentic to me, I don't think it had anything to do with the Nation's progress (financially), but it was in concern for the infinite well-being of each individual and his/her place in eternity.

Now, before I go into the questions there is something that I believe needs to be addressed. What is evil? It's a question that I don't think you can just google and be ok about it. Throughout many centuries people have had different opinions on what's evil, and still today. The laws were made for the best interest of citizens, in other words, what's “good” for each one. But for there to be a “good”, or a definition of “good”, then there has to be a “evil” or definition of “evil”, right? Well, since no man is perfect, who else is qualified to say what's good than God. And the Bible being the predominant guide to Holy life in those days in America, kind of lead on or shed on a path of what the Nation should be built on, sort to say “it's foundation.” As we all know it took many centuries after Jesus' death for slavery to be abolished. One of his teachings was to help those who can't help themselves. It was unfortunate that people took so long to realize that many slaves couldn't help themselves, that it wasn't as simple as running away, they were hunted down. But enough of that.

Now on the topic of reformers, and if they were concerned more about improving society or about controlling it. Well, who am I to judge? Who am I to say what each reformists' intention was? But one thing I am sure of, that its not all black and white. You see, I've learned in my 25 years that controlling or taking advantage of people isn't all that hard, but to lead and improve society can only be done if you're respected, if people look up to you for leadership. As that comes in about many forms of leadership; being a professor, student, parent, boss, government employee, president. I think you see where I'm going with this...I don't think society could've truly been improved if people were being controlled, that's what's so beautiful and terrifying about free-will, that it's either a great success or a great failure, nothing great can really happen without risking, without trusting, without participating. It takes two to tango, one can have a good intention, but if he does not know how to lead then what good is it for the people? Perhaps their were reformists with the intention of controlling, but those that truly made a difference were ones that knew how to lead.

People in reform movements must have had different views on the government, not just one. Some may have seen the government as evil, others as old fashioned, others as blinded in such a way that they no longer used common-sense to re-write the law. Most certainly it wasn't a positive view on the Government, but come on, is there really any government that people can say that it is as it should be?

The Touch

2007-05-18T23:21:00.001-04:00

In the quiet town of Odasso, NV stood a 12 year old boy rocking back and forth on the rocking chair in the front porch. The wind could be heard as twirls of dust gathered and separated in the invisible air flow. The boy inhaled, another breath, another day."Richie, come on in, the food's ready" his mom calls. He buttons up his shirt and finds his way to the door. "It's nice and warm Richie, your favorite". He gives her a smile.

After dinner she goes to the kitchen to do the dishes, he lets down his face as a crippled soul, so sad. Hey mom, where's pop? Oh, he's working double shift today. Can you let him know that I figured out that crossword puzzle that he spent all night working on? With petty his mother asks "My darling...what are you talking about?". I figured out the puzzle! Seeing if perhaps she misunderstood, but no, she was silent. I'll show you, he says. He then finds his way to his room, moves his hand around the bed until he finds it. Here! Take a look. "Richie, come on." Take a look Mom! When she opens she sees that they were all answered correctly and that the handwriting didn't come from Bob, his father. Oh my! Richie! I can't believe it. She looked into his eyes hoping that he could see, but those eyes of his were still and did not blink. Richie, can you see me? No Ma. Well, than how did you know where to put the letters? I just knew, Richie responds.

Rachel, his mom is happy and disturbed. "Oh God, what do you expect me to do with this?" she asks. Well Richie, it's your bedtime now. Will you show Pa when he gets home? Mhum. "Promise?" Richie asks with a beggar’s tone. Yes, I'll show daddy. Thanks ma! Love ya. Love you too sweetheart.

Rachel's now been a few hours in bed waiting as Bob finishes his double shift. The dust in the air outside leaves moving shadows in the bedroom. A crippling fear wove in her, woosh! She's covered with a blanket and cold, but too scared to do anything, to leave the bed to get a cover or to stay in bed, anything feels uneasy. Oh, I just wish Bob would come home soon. Lord, what's happening today? What am I suppose to do with this? How can I just take it in?

"Creek, creek, creek" a sound comes from the door as it opens gently. It's too dark for Rachel to see anything. "Bob", she whispers. "Bob", once again. "Bob!", another whisper. Oh my Lord, what’s going on? Help me. The shadows of before moved throughout the room, now it went into complete darkness as the person blocked light from the window.

“Ahhh!” Rachel screams. Rachel, Rachel, I’m here hon. Bob, you scared me. Don’t do that again. Sorry hon, I thought you were sleeping. He turns on the lamp “I thought you had a nightmare when you first screamed”. “It sure felt like one!” Rachel replies. You knew I was working extra today, why all this? Well, it was a weird afternoon to begin with. Richie has been able to finish the crossword puzzle. You helped him? “No.” Rachel responds. He did it on his own. “How is that possible?” Bob asks with unbelief. See for yourself. Ah, I’ll take a look at it in the morning.

Morning comes. The toast is ready. Pa! I finished the crossword puzzle! Yeah, your mother told me. Bring it over; let me take a look at it. Richie looks for it everywhere in the house, can’t find it. Pa, can’t find it. Richie, come on, you don’t need to impress me, I love you just the same. You know, I have been working a lot, but its only because we need the money. I know Pa, but I really did it. Richie, that’s enough, alright? I don’t want to hear anymore about this thing.

The next day as Rachel was working in the garden Richie went to go play catch with his dog. He could tell that the ball went over the fence onto the street. The rubber ball was still bouncing; he could tell where it was going as long as he could hear it. So he went quickly after it. As he grabbed it he heard a volume increase, coming from his right hand side. It was a car, he got onto the sidewalk but his dog was still on the road. He knew that if he didn’t take action that would be it for Charlie, his dog. He quickly followed the sound of the barking and threw Charlie onto the sidewalk and then ran. He hears the car break intensely, boom! His body is thrown a few feet a way. Rachel hears the sound and goes there to find his son laying there with his head on the sidewalk. The ambulance comes to take him. At the hospital the doctors did what they could, but it was it, he died.

Weeks pass and the couple decide to sell the house and give Charlie to one of their neighbors. They can longer bear the memories that live among them. One of those days in a late afternoon as Bob is clearing up the house he begins to break down the doghouse and finds a dirty newspaper. In opening he finds the crossword puzzle that Richie had told him about. The dust in the air leaves shadows hovering on the newspaper. The light shows on the upper right corner of the page where it’s written “For you Pa”.

Snow in a Hot Summer

2007-05-01T23:23:00.000-04:00

‘Hey Billy, what do you say we go on a cross-country trip to California?’

‘When Dad?’

‘I’m thinking this June.’

‘But it will be very hot to drive through the Death Valley!’

‘No, we can make it.’

‘But we don’t have A/C, we’re gonna fry!’

He smiles at me with a beggar’s tone ‘Come on Billy…it will be fun…’ I pause a for a bit. I look out the window of the pizzeria that we’re in. Look at him, and smile. His teeth showed up like the snow in winter that children see on a morning of a snowstorm, pure and innocent.

June comes and the trip is a go, we’re all packed, nothing stands in our way. The trip is exciting, nothing we ever did together was now all happening…singing strange songs on the radio together; driving a crappy car; enjoying scenery upon scenery; him sharing his life before married, some funny stories and others very spontaneous and adventurous; and me sharing my single life. I was half in and half out of a dream; it’s almost as if I needed to be pinched so that I could know that life could be this good.

The time comes when we hit it hard. We’ve been driving 12 hours a day and the weather was hot and dry. Its about 4pm, I start begging him for us to stay at a motel and to just then wake up early next morning when its not so hot to continue the trip. But no, he was determined to get to California as soon as possible. There were many places he wanted me to see.

It wasn’t enough for me. In those days the journey was more valuable to me than where the road would lead me. I felt a strong sense that my father was being stubborn and it really got to me. I allowed him to have such power over me that my anger leashed out in words ‘I wish I hadn’t gone on this trip!’

I look at him and no words come out, what I see is a sad face. A face that is too sad to say anything. My heart is torn. This whole trip was about him spending time with me, it would be the first and last cross-country trip we’d ever have.

‘I’m sorry dad’

‘It’s ok’

A year later we come out of the movie theatre. As we’re walking he hugs me with his right arm. “I love you Billy.” He says. His teeth appear like the snow in winter that children see on a morning of a snowstorm, pure and innocent.

Created - Crippled - Blind

2007-04-16T12:34:00.000-04:00

It is unknown the path we take
so quivery the steps we make
walking into the unknown
far beyond anything that was ever shown

beauty so high
character so light
nothing can hold it down
nothing can change its patterns in this world, only a warm heart that cares about such light.

In slavery never existed
completely free
and giving to the world
the world saw Him but did not know him

did not understand such beauty, could not recognize the uncreated being.

Humanity went on to live in what seemed good
but even its dreams live for today
and today alone.

God has set eternity in the hearts of men
but no longer do men use their hearts
they only trust in what they see

their very eyes and desires have blinded them to see such beauty
the voice of their creator no longer matters to them.

Oh God, in tears I need you - in the fog I'm crippled - its too hard to live my life without your beauty.

You're all I want, You're all I need.