Then iOS 5 came out and… Notification Center is worthless. The one thing I wanted it to accomplish–marking items as read–it doesn’t do.

Watch this:

Here's my home screen. Notice that I have two notifications for Facebook. Someone probably invited me to an event I don't care about, or commented on one of my many, many posts about kittens, or the apocalypse, or possibly how kittens will be the source of the apocalypse.

So naturally, I open up Notification Center, and sure enough, all the hell-bent kittens masquerading as my friends on Facebook disagree with my "wild-eyed" assertions about the end of the world. I don't even want to bother checking them. So, naturally, I go up to that little "X" button and clear the notifications. See?

Then, of course, I have to confirm that I actually want to mark these posts as read. That's nice. After all, if it were something important and I marked it read without checking it, I might miss it and that'd be a disaster! But, I'm confident, so I go ahead and clear the list.

Problem solved. The list is clear. Everyone is happy. No, to just close Notification Center and go about my business of incessantly opening and closing the Facebook App. So, back to the home scre... what, what the hell?

Oh come on! Notification Center apparently has nothing to do with anything. It doesn't clear the little push notification badges! I actually still have to open each app individual app to make them go away!

So, Notification Center is now basically just a slightly quicker way to see what the temperature is outside, or possibly if the apocalypse is finally upon us. Which is good, because I’ll want a few extra minutes to sharpen the blades on my little kitten-sized chainsaw gloves. (Clarification: Regular sized gloves, with tiny chainsaws attached to each finger).

Yes, something like that.

It does, however, sometimes happen that by luck, and always pure randomness, that a person has heard or seen something that perhaps falls into the category of ‘not a total waste of time’. But, there’s a really important distinction to be made here. This is not the same as ‘discovering’ something worth hearing or seeing. What’s really happening here is more akin to an amateur astronomer looking into the sky and saying, “hey, is that something–quick, call someone who knows”. Again, if you’re feeling that this is a bit sarcastic or conceited, you may have a disorder which you can easily self-diagnose by looking in a mirror.

So, in the interest of helping the less fortunate, here is a beginner’s guide to introducing me to new music, movies and tv shows:

1. Don’t Get Too Excited

I know that it can be tempting, but before you can be sure that something is worth your time, be sure to deliver your suggestion in a calm, collected manner. Don’t allow your attitude to suggest that you already know that what you have is actually anything other than white-noise or static. Rather, ensure that you remain neutral in your tone of voice, facial expression and body language. You can practice this in a mirror, or use YouTube to record your attempts and seek feedback before submitting anything formal.

2. If possible, make your suggestion in a non-invasive way.

This is a common mistake which has resulted in many questioning their worth as a human being. It’s important to try and find a logical place and time for your suggestion to appear. For example, if a song of your interest appears in a movie, suggest that I watch this movie, during which I will logically need to hear the song. Being someone who may or may not be physically composed of moving images and vibrations, hearing someone say “Hey, let me show you this new ‘band’ that I’ve been listening to”! First, this is something like replacing a squirrel’s legs with kitchen spoons. It’s an unnatural abomination where disgust is the first and only reasonable reaction. And second, should you find that this “band” you’ve been listening to is actually just someone stirring a pot of lentil stew with a couple of spoons attached to a terrified squirrel, you might just end up wondering what it all means: nothing. It means nothing.

3. At all costs, avoid anything that sounds like “I told you so”.

This one might come as a surprise to some of you. You see, saying “I told you so” is, in a way, like saying that you’d established your own conclusions which, if you’ve been paying attention, is never a good idea. Remember, this doesn’t just cover the exact phrase “I told you so”. It also covers other phrases with similar meanings, and even subtle tones in your voice. Be very cautious.

4. If you must, revel quietly and secretly.

This one, while closely related to number 3, has a distinct difference. While “I told you so” implies that you have disregarded my supreme authority on all things entertainment, Revelry blatantly states it. When a suggestion is accepted and approved as “not total crap”, continue life as normal and make no further mention of your suggestion, except where context explicitly demands it. Acting otherwise is a capital crime that will almost always result in your suggestion being deemed un-listenable/un-watchable. Many near successes in the audible and visual arts have seen utter failure at the hands of would-be supporters who thought it right to flaunt their successful suggestion. This very act, ironically, drained any noteworthy element of the suggestion of all value–and branded the suggester unfit for any kind of future suggestion.

In Conclusion

The suggestion process can be complex, and this guide is not exhaustive. Remember to use your common sense and always remember that, should you have an opinion, that opinion doesn’t matter until it has been approved by me, and in lesser cases, my Father. Please enjoy your entirely random exploration of yet-still-ambiguous images and sounds–and good luck on all of your future suggestions! Except for you, John.

In any case, an impromptu question arose while browsing the store looking for food that didn’t have Mechanically Separated Chicken parts in it: “What if we bought one of everything in the store that cost less that 99 cents for some reason? And, would we die?”

The rules were simple, if it cost less than 99 cents, we had to buy it. However, only one within a single brand and category. For example, if two different kinds of jellied sardines (like, Original and Extra Mercury) from the same brand were both under 99 cents, we only had to buy one of them. We went with the Extra Mercury, of course. The tale is really an extraordinary story of wasteful use of disposable income. Also why the rest of the world hates us.

You can see the shame in our eyes and we haven't even started eating it yet.

With our pile of pseudo-food, we could confirm that the purchase didn’t bring about the apocalypse as was hypothesized. Or maybe it did, we’ll wait until Hurricane Irene has run her coarse to make that call.

It was time to get to the more pertinent question of whether or not we would die. So began our journey into utter disregard for the well being of our bodies. We ate some, if not all, of almost everything we purchased, with the exception of baking soda, paper towels, and things that were going to take too long to prepare. Which would have been great, except that dehydrated pig skin is pretty much ready to eat right out of the bag.

Long story short, because I can’t bare to recount all the horrifying details, we unfortunately didn’t die. Although my dog Mikey did throw up the better portion of the Canned Dog Food in Gravy that cost us a whopping $0.49. I’ll be seeking my money back on that one.

A stereoscopic image becomes 3D when you take both images and merge them by crossing your eyes. This page, which includes a bulleted list, is probably a better explanation on tricking your brain into making it work. Also, if you happened to lose an eye in a bar-fight, or a severe underestimation of a toddler’s dexterity with a fork, your out of luck.

Here are a few images I produced while staying at my Sister and Brother-in-Law’s farm in BF, Virginia.

What am I to do? Is he anything but useless now? A killer, a cold blooded killer.

Just look at the evil.

So, to the recently deceased. I hope you’re in a better place–one with endless clover and where jerks like Mikey are afraid of you. RIP, the bunny.

In the process I had the chance to wander around and spend some time with my brain and my camera. It turns out my camera is a pretty nice guy, but my brain is kind of a prick.

Creatively, I’m usually kind of a big-picture guy. I don’t often give myself the time to focus in on the smaller details around me. So, armed with my Canon 5D and 50mm prime lens, I set out to try and find the details interesting. In the process, I discovered some interesting scenes and compositions. I also discovered that fancy water drains are better than regular ones, and something called “pay phone”. All-in-all, not a bad way to use an hour in Bethesda.

In any case, when Lenny started spinning, I couldn’t resist. I grabbed the camera and we fired off a few shots. I almost forgot how challenging it is to focus in total darkness.

These are the images that I captured during the shoot. Our subject’s name was Tim and he did an outstanding job.