Willie's Wisdom

Armour & Bankers

2010-01-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

CHESS

Dear Willie,
I am worried about my uncle Fred as he has been spotted in a gay bar by my friend Gay Bob. My Aunt Gwen would be devastated if she found out what he was up to, but I don’t know how to approach him about his sexuality. You may think this is none of my business but if Fred is gay it would destroy our family. If he is gay could you advise me on how to tell him not to be, or to be more discreet about his filthy habits?
Shelley, Swansea

Dear Shelley,
You seem to be assuming that Gwen doesn’t know about this side of Fred’s life. In fact, Fred confessed to his bisexual nature while they were still courting and Gwen saw his frequent ‘boy’s nights’ as a perfect opportunity to indulge her passion for online chess. Both parties are happy so, as you note, it’s none of your business.
Willie

BANKER

Dear Willie,
The person who has moved in next door is a banker! What is the world coming to? How can these people, who have brought the entire world to ruins be allowed to live normal lives and move into nice neighbourhoods after the crimes against humanity they’ve committed. The worst part is that this thief and charlatan shows no shame or remorse and expects us to accept him as a normal person. He squanders his wealth on his vapid wife and pathetic children with vans delivering new goods they have purchased using our money on a daily basis. Who do I appeal to, to have this money-grubbing felon removed from our vicinity and placed in a secure facility.
Ryan, Duluth

Dear Ryan,
I think a modicum of Christian charity is required here. A banker, by his very nature, cannot help but steal people’s money. It is the way he was born. We must remember that banking is a crime and not a sin, because it was Man who created banks. Do not despise and reject this poor soul, but pray for him, that he may see the error of his ways. Either that, or burn him out.
Willie

ARMOUR

Dear Willie

I have inherited a suit of armour from an English relative but have no idea what to do with it though I thought I might keep it and wear it to fancy dress parties. I’ve tried it on and it’s a little tight across the shoulders but can’t find a tailor willing to let it out a little. Short of setting about it with a can opener, what can I do?
Norm, Peoria

Dear Norm,
You are a lucky chap because what you’ve inherited is not just a suit of armour, but a ‘business in a can’ as you can not only wear the suit to fancy dress events yourself, but let it out to others, making yourself a tidy profit. To have it adjusted for size put it into your local body shop where you have the dents taken out of your car. Oil regularly and avoid rain.
Willie

BOSOMS

Dear Willie,
My wife has never been hugely endowed in the bosom department and has been considering having breast enhancement for some time. She has the money as she received compensation for a work related accident involving a stuffed giraffe, but still won’t commit herself to the procedure. For myself, I couldn’t care either way, but I just wish she would stop dithering. Can you suggest anything?
Ben, Leeds

Dear Ben,
This is not something to be taken lightly and your wife’s decision will affect both of you, so I think you should both sit down and discuss this at length. My suggestion would be that she have one done to see if she is happy with the effect, before committing herself to giving you a handful.

Willie

SNAKES

Dear Willie,
I would like to become a snake charmer but don’t know where to begin. There don’t seem to be any schools listed in the Yellow Pages.
Alfred, Orlando

Dear Alf,
Before taking this too far I would check to see if you have any natural aptitude by visiting the Reptile House at your local zoo. Pick a snake you find attractive and attempt to charm it. If it finds you charming enough it will attempt to follow you and you can then contact Ranji Patel, the world’s premier snake charmer at the Ranji Patel Snake Charming Academy in New Delhi, India. He offers discounts for those with natural talent and their own turban.
Willie

PESTERING

Dear Willie,
My girlfriend is threatening to break up with me if I don’t stop pestering her for sex. We have been a couple for three years and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to take our relationship to the next level, but she feels that a minimum of five years is necessary to prove our undying love for each other before she can give herself to me. It’s not as if she’s a virgin, or anything. She has been married before and has three children. How can I get her to loosen up?
Al, Nebraska

Dear Al,
The answer to your question lies in your first sentence, you are ‘pestering her’ for sex. She is used to marital sex, where no pestering is necessary, merely a convenient horizontal surface.
Willie

This will be the last Willie's Wisdom here. If you'd like to continue reading my advice column please go to scriptschool.co.uk for regular updates

Flirting & Etiquette

2009-12-29T07:46:00.000-08:00

FLIRTING

Dear Willie,
My boyfriend pays far too much attention to other girls when we go to parties together. He says he’s just flirting and it’s harmless, but I feel slighted and ignored. How can I get him to realise that if he truly loved me he should give me the attention I deserve?
Hannah, New Mexico

Dear Hannah,

There is only one way to solve this problem, but it is surefire and I can recommend it without fear of contradiction. The answer lies in magnets, and specifically electro-magnets as you want your boyfriend to come to your side when you want him and not be welded to you. Place a powerful electro-magnet, complete with battery, in your handbag, and a piece of steel in your boyfriend’s pocket. When you require his company, simply fire up your electro-magnet and he will be at your side in an instant. (see picture)
Willie

ETIQUETTE

Dear Willie,
My girlfriend, Simplicity, and I have been courting for several months and she has now agreed to ‘give’ herself to me. This is a first for both of us and we are looking forward to it eagerly. However, we are unsure of the etiquette involved with such an event. Does one place an advertisement in The Times or play it low key?
Jerry, Kilburn

Dear Jerry,
This is an occasion which should be celebrated with as much gusto as you can manage. I would hire a brass band and a marquee if you expect a lot of spectators. Depending on the duration of the event, you might also have to provide catering and toilet facilities. I understand there are people who manage such events for a reasonable amount and you might want to hire one of these to allow you to concentrate on your arduous task. Also if you are in the least well-known, try to negotiate a healthy fee for the television rights.
Willie

MOON

Dear Willie,
As I respect your wisdom I am going to ask you a question that has tormented me for 50 years. Did man actually land on the moon?”
Fritz, Dresden

Dear Fritz,
Without a doubt, my friend, the Eagle did indeed land on the moon. Neil Armstrong, to whom I am distantly related, sent me a piece of moon rock as a memento and it was clearly stamped Made on the Moon.
Willie

DRESS CODE

Dear Willie,
I have my eye on a young man at work and wondered what would be the best way to dress to attract his attention. Would stark naked be too forward? Of course, I’m being silly, as it wouldn’t conform with the company’s dress code and I’d get fired. But is there any way to jazz up my standard blazer, blouse and skirt to send him a visual signal?
Helena, Rochester

Dear Helena,
This is difficult as you are working under your company’s restrictions. To satisfy their requirements and attract your chap’s attention I would suggest wearing the skirt on your head, the blouse round your waist and the blazer on your feet.
Willie

SUPERHERO

Dear Willie,
Several moths ago our son informed us that he intended to become a superhero when he reached adulthood. He has spent the past few weeks desperately trying to be bitten by a radioactive spider, but they are in short supply around our area. When he complained to me I informed him that some so-called superheroes, such as Batman, had no superpowers at all and had achieved by hard work and discipline. He has agreed to follow this course of action, but now needs a character or logo to base his crime-fighting career on. Can you suggest anything?
Tina, Tampa

Dear Tina,
What you forgot to inform your son was that Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, was a multi-millionaire which allowed him the freedom to train himself up as a superhero. My advice to your son would be, in the first place, to make himself incredibly wealthy. He could then call himself Incredibly Wealthy Man. With his money he could hire hundreds of crime fighters to roam the city and give the criminals what they deserve.
Willie

MARZIPAN

Dear Willie,
I am part of an international gang which smuggles marzipan to Turkmenistan, where it is illegal. I am the gang’s ‘mule’ and carry the marzipan, usually 1 lb, suitably wrapped in plastic, within a body cavity to allow me to pass through customs. However, our gang chief, Banjo Trevalyn, lost a lot in a poker game recently and needs to recoup his losses quickly. He has suggested that I take a consignment of 480 lbs of marzipan, worth at least $1.4 million in street value, on my next trip. I find the thought of shoving this quantity of any substance up my ‘cavity’ to be somewhat disturbing. Can you suggest an alternative? Please remember that Banjo has a foul temper, and a big stick.
Fingers, Detroit

Dear Fingers,
You must ask yourself this simple question, which do you fear more, 480 lbs of marzipan or Banjo’s big stick? Alternatively, inform Banjo that this quantity would flood the market, leading to a decrease in price and he obviously does not want that. In any case a Press Release from Turkmenistan Customs announces that their sniffer dogs can now search out marzipan so it seems that your career is over. This will probably come as a great relief to your ‘cavity’.
Willie

Binges & Bilingual

2009-12-23T12:10:00.000-08:00

“Welcome again, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful, young, wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

UNDERWEAR

Dear Willie,
When we first married my husband asked me not to wear underwear around the house, a request I acceded to. Later, he asked me to refrain from wearing underwear when we went out on social occasions as he said this gave him a certain ‘thrill’ and again I complied. However, he has now asked me to stop wearing underwear at work, and I think this is a step too far, expecting me to go commando constantly. Can you point me towards a way of keeping my panties on while not upsetting my husband? I am a lingerie model.
Fifi, Sao Paolo

Dear Fifi,
At first I was naturally upset at your husband condemning you to hypothermia of the buttocks, but on reflection I see that his demands are not only unreasonable but unenforceable. At home and on social occasions he is present to check on your lack of underclothing but I assume he is not present when you are at work, where you can don your underwear. Be sure to rub your bottom with ice cubes and complain about the cold when he comes home from work to maintain the illusion.
Willie

BINGES

Dear Willie,
My husband has a ‘binge’ personality. He binge drinks and eats, but these don’t bother me as his benders usually leave him feeling unwell and so he suffers for his pleasures. But he has now started binging on making love which means that I can get very little housework done during the weekends. Can you recommend a good mattress?
April, Sydney

Dear April,
You don’t really want me to recommend a good mattress, do you? We both know that any mattress that is fit to be slept on, is fit to make love on. I suspect, therefore, that you are just using me to inform your neighbours, that your husband and you are going at it like rabbits at the weekend. Enjoy.
Willie

POLITICS

Dear Willie,
This may seem personal, but what are your politics?
Joe, Penn.

Dear Joe,
I have no problem with revealing my political affiliations. I am proud to say that I am a confirmed Marxist and feel that Groucho would have made a fine president if he had not been seduced by the dark side of the force in the shape of Mrs Fluffy Claypool.
Willie

BREATH

Dear Willie,
My assistant at work, Bernie, has really bad breath. In all other respects he is totally spick and span so I can’t really discipline him on his hygiene without invoking an employment tribunal. I also note that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and this is likely down to his breath. How can I let him know without appearing rude?
Bill, Boston

Dear Bill,
I am about to reveal to you a secret method of influencing people subliminally. You must march up to Bernie and in your loudest voice roar, “Your breath is disgusting!”
He will, no doubt, be shocked and enquire as to your reasons for this outburst. You will then reply that you have taken up amateur dramatics and were merely rehearsing a line from your upcoming production. He will have no option but to accept this, but you will have planted in his mind the seed of doubt about the reek of his breath. There is the secret - to be subliminal, you must shout.
Willie

BULLIES

Dear Willie,
My son is being bullied by bigger boys at school and I don’t know what to do about it as the bigger boys have fathers that are bigger than I am. Can you suggest anything?
Yuri, Lvov

Dear Yuri,
I would recommend that your son learn the Scottish martial art of No Kan Do which is remarkably easy to master. When confronted by opponents and challenged to fight your son must shout ‘No Kan Do’ and run away, thus saving himself from a beating. It worked for me and I can still do the 100 metres in 12 seconds.
Willie

BILINGUAL

Dear Willie,

My mother (pictured) has being going around telling everybody she is bisexual because she has learnt to speak Spanish at her evening classes. How can I tell her that she is, in fact, bilingual?
Rose, Cardiff

Dear Rose,
I think you’re making assumptions both about your mother’s comprehension and her sexuality. She may just be using the pretext of her bilingualism to trumpet her love for other women, only subtly. But tell your father to buy a bigger bed in case she gets too friendly with a Spanish woman.
Willie

2009-12-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

“Welcome, readers, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

FRENCH

Dear Willie,
Are you the Scottish Willie who is saying that we French are ‘cheese eating surrender monkeys’? Merde, it is a lie! We French are the bravest of the brave and only have a Foreign Legion so that non-Frenchmen can have a chance to be as brave as us. Also it is not true that the avenues of Paris are lined with trees to shade the German soldiers as they march in. I despise you for your racism, it is the Italians who are cowards.
Jean Paul Chapeau, Marseille

Dear Jean Paul,

Non, non, mon ami, I am not the Willie you refer to. That one is Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons TV documentary. We are only distantly related, and that through intercourse, as my father had a fling with his aunty in days gone by. I, myself, have a great respect for the martial capabilities of the French, especially your heavyweight boxing champion, Maurice Chevalier.
Willie

MING

Dear Willie,
Last night I got drunk and fell against a table and broke my wife’s favourite antique Ming vase. Now she says I either must stop drinking, or she'll leave me. what should I do?
Anonymous, USA

Dear Anonymous,
The only way to maintain a healthy relationship is through intense denial. Deny that you got drunk, deny that you fell against the table and deny that you broke the vase.
Never admit to anything. You were not drunk, you were concussed as you’d been struck by a small meteorite; you did not fall against a table, that was the dog; and you did not break the vase, that was a KGB assassin’s bullet which narrowly missed you and saved your wife from life as a widow. The more creative you can be, the better.
Us liars is brilliant.

Willie

BOTTOMS

Dear Willie,
My wife has a very large bottom, which is excellent as I really like large bottoms. Unfortunately her friends have made her very self-conscious about it and she is threatening to go on a diet and take up keep-fit in order to reduce it from its current perfection. How can I convince her to keep it titanic?
Botty Bob, Burnley

Dear Bob,
I’m afraid that I can’t help you with this one as I feel your wife should lose weight for health reasons. However, there is no reason why you cannot enjoy your wife having a huge bottom when you are in the privacy of your own home. Simply have her stuff a large firm pillow into the rear of her undies as she moves around the house. You may have to experiment to find the right size and consistency, but feel free to grab a handful to confirm satisfaction as she passes.
Willie

KLINGON

Dear Willie,
Our son (9) has told us that he wishes to be a Klingon warrior when he grows up. We have tried telling him that Klingons are only fictional characters, but he is inspired by their bravery and honour and is very stubborn. His alternative choice is ladies hairdresser and my husband won’t hear of that. Any suggestions?
Wilma, Manitoba

Dear Wilma,
Klingon hairdressers are renowned throughout the quadrant for their skills and I think you should encourage your son in his ambitions. Even though we do not yet have warp drive, which will limit your son’s scope, there must be many female Star Trek fans who could do with having their hair done. Kapla, young man.
Willie

SKIN

Dear Willie,
I am having great trouble maintaining a healthy complexion. How can I have the smooth skin I crave?
Loretta, Tamworth

Dear Loretta,
I have a sure-fire way of achieving and maintaining a beautiful complexion. First, take three soft boiled eggs. Mash these up and place them in a mixing bowl. Add two tablespoons of natural yoghurt and mix. Add the juice of eight oranges and a splash of English mustard. Mix thoroughly and transfer to a Tupperware bowl. Seal securely. Now take the bowl into the nearest field and throw it as far as you can. Retrieve it and repeat 24 times. This will give you fresh air and exercise, which is all you need for lovely skin.
Willie

NAMES

Dear Willie,
I’d like to change my name as I think it’s rather boring, only I can’t decide what to change it into. Friends and family have made various suggestions (some of them quite rude) but I just cannot settle on something that would suit me. I’ve decided to consult you because I respect your immense wisdom.
Jack Newhouse, Birmingham

Dear Jack,
Thank you for the compliment. I don’t think you need to change your name at all, but merely translate it into Italian, in which case you will be Giacomo Casanova.
Willie

NOSES & ALIENS

2009-12-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

“I am Willie, the Scottish Sage. I live on the banks of Loch Ness with my beautiful young wife Sadie and attempt to solve all of your problems, whether they be personal, familial, sexual or whatever, by tapping into my vast knowledge of ancient Scottish wisdom and lore. Feel free to consult me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk Welcome to Willie’s Wisdom.”

CONGRESS

Dear Willie,
My husband has recently read the Kama Sutra and thinks we should indulge in some of the more esoteric sexual positions it recommends. I was okay with the Congress of the Bull and the Congress of the Goat but the Congress of the Snake gives me sore shoulders. Any suggestions?
Carol, Cleveland

Dear Carol,
This is because snakes don’t have shoulders. You would have noticed this if you’d noted that you rarely see a snake wearing a shirt. Luckily Vatsayana, who wrote the oriental filth, had no knowledge of Australia or we would have been cursed with the Congress of the Kangaroo, which is taking things a hop too far.
Willie

CREASES

Dear Willie,
I got married recently and my new wife has taken on laundry duties, including ironing. The problem is that she is putting a crease in my jeans. I was led to understand that a crease in your jeans was a secret signal that one was a homosexual.
I have nothing against homosexuals but I am not one and don’t want others thinking I am. Is it a secret signal or am I being paranoid?
Chris, Wyoming

Dear Chris,
It’s no’ much o’ a homsexualist secret if you know about it. However, creases in jeans are not a signal that you are gay but creases in underpants are, and if someone has got you down to your underpants the chances are that you are, at the very least, curious.
Willie

NOSES

Dear Willie,
Is it true that you can tell the size of a man’s feet by the size of his nose?
Shirley, NJ

Dear Shirley,
This is a common misconception, first promoted by the Hiaquachi Indians of British Columbia who had very large noses but very small feet. Neighbouring tribes believed that large feet equated to large male organs and The Hiaquachi started this rumour to try and attract mates. It was not greatly successful but kick-started the North American advertising industry.
Willie

BOOZE

Dear Willie,
I can’t find an alcoholic drink to suit me. Beer bags me up, I detest the taste of whisky and wine makes me retch. Can you suggest a drink I could actually enjoy?
Marty, Washington D.C.

Dear Marty,
The finest drink I know is vodka and lentil soup. This concoction is a meal in itself and lines your stomach as you imbibe. It’s not available in shops so you’ll have to mix it yourself, but even canned soup will do. Slainthe!
Willie

PYJAMAS

Dear Willie,
I recently got married to a wonderful man but have discovered that he wears old-fashioned, striped, pyjamas to bed. Is this normal practice in this day and age, what with central heating?
Gladys, Cornwall

Dear Gladys,
No, I don’t think pyjamas are necessary for heating purposes. But your husband is obviously a shy person and doesn’t want to reveal his manly torso to you in case it makes you blush. Over time, perhaps 10 years or so, he might reveal a little more and I’m sure it will be well worth the wait. Alternatively you could hide his pyjama cord and achieve your aims with the assistance of gravity.
Willie

ALIENS

Dear Willie,I have an irrational fear of being kidnapped by aliens. I wouldn’t mind if they were like Mr Spock as I believe Vulcans would make excellent ballroom dancers, which is one of my abiding interests. But I am incredibly scared of the large greys with their huge eyes and anal probes. What can I do to alleviate this phobia?

Mrs Slatterley, Ilfracombe

Dear Mrs Slatterley,

As with many things that scare us, the only way to conquer this fear is to face up to it. I would suggest that you have your husband dress up as a large grey alien and do to you what you fear large grey aliens would do to you. If he does this with kindness and consideration your fear will disappear and when the event does occur you can face it with a smile on your face.

Willie

NAKED & TIME TRAVEL

2009-12-18T05:25:00.000-08:00

NAKED

Dear Willie,
My husband has asked me to perform a sexual act with him which involves me removing my nightdress. I find the thought of this totally repulsive and never imagined that I had married a man with such perverse desires. He never expressed a desire to see me naked while we were courting, but now I find him trying to peek at me in the bath and trying to look up my skirt while I’m watching TV. I’m sure this change in behaviour is down to a change in diet as I’ve recently been encouraging him to eat more fish. Do you think he would stop his disgusting demands if I returned to feeding him red meat seven days a week?
Catriona, Lyons

Dear Catriona,
The mystery of what women hide under their clothing has tormented men since time immemorial and is understandable. To satisfy your husband’s curiosity you must surf porn sites on the web, no matter how distasteful you might find this, and find a woman whose body closely resembles yours. You can then point your husband in the direction of this hussy and inform your husband that you look like that. The red meat is a good idea though, and I would recommend venison as that will turn him into an absolute deer.
Willie

ACTING

Dear Willie,
I am an aspiring actor. I need your advice on which great actors’ to study, as I have half a mind to feature in a TV soap opera.
Larry, Carlisle

Dear Larry,
That’s all you’ll need.
Willie

TIME TRAVEL

Dear Willie,
I have invented a time machine and I can prove this as I am writing this tomorrow and you will receive it yesterday. If you want to join me on a jaunt to the 28th century, come round to my house at (address deleted) last week, Thursday. Please bring a large amount of cotton wool (about 5 kilos) as this is what fuels my time machine, and I am low on funds.
Pete, Penn.

Dear Pete,
I am afraid I must decline your invitation as I am polishing my hedgehog last week. If you are low on funds, travel one day into the future and check the racing results. A wise bet when you return should ensure your fortune.
Willie

ZITS

Dear Willie,
I have a zit the size of a planet on my nose. I am going out with a lovely girl and she has never mentioned it, though she does give me the occasional funny look. But I just know that one day, while kissing her, my zit will burst and drown her in pus. What can I do?
Dave, Honolulu

Dear Dave,
There is a simple answer, find a different girlfriend. Girls who wear spectacles are notoriously short-sighted and won’t even notice your zit. If your new girlfriend should spot it (pun intended), simply tell her that it is your friend’s pet zit and you are looking after it while he is away.
Willie

BUSTS

Dear Willie,
You must help me. My husband and I are divorced and now, in my hour of need, my bosoms have deserted me. They were always my pride and joy and were always a source of attraction to my admirers. But now they are drooping and saggy and I fear I shall never find another man. I have tried support bras and would consider plastic surgery only I’m allergic to anaesthetics. What can I possibly do?
Simone, Alaska

Dear Simone,
Not all men are attracted to large, firm, upstanding, boobies. Some men, in fact, prefer quite flat-chested women. You, therefore, should not worry too much. My prescription for you is not to concentrate on the bodily parts that have failed you, but to seek out another area of attraction. What are your feet like?
Willie

SPACE HAGGIS

Dear Willie,
We at NASA plan to put a Scotchman into orbit on the International Space Station soon as part of a medical experiment to investigate the effects of over-indulgence in alcohol on a weightless human. For instance, how can you tell if he’s drunk if he can’t fall over? Your name was put forward, but we are looking for the reactions of an average human being, and you are obviously far beyond that. In any case, that is not why I am contacting you. We, naturally, like to make our astronauts as comfortable as possible in the alien environment of space, and so we would request you to ask your wife, Sadie, for her recipe for haggis so that our future jockanaut can enjoy his usual diet.
Prof Braun, Washington

Dear Prof,
Delighted to be able to help. Here is the recipe:-
1 sheep's stomach bag
1 sheep's pluck - liver, lungs and heart
3 onions
250g beef Suet
150g oatmeal
salt and black pepper
a pinch of cayenne
150mls of stock/gravy

Clean the stomach bag thoroughly and soak overnight. In the morning turn it inside out. Wash the pluck and boil for 1.5 hours, ensuring the windpipe hangs over the pot allowing drainage of the impurities. Mince the heart and lungs and grate half the liver.
Chop up the onions and suet. Warm the oatmeal in the oven. Mix all the above together and season with the salt and pepper. Then add the cayenne. Pour over enough of the pluck boiled water to make the mixture watery. Fill the bag with the mixture until it's half full. Press out the air and sew the bag up. Boil for 3 hours without the lid on. Serve with neeps and tatties.

Sadie says it would be an awful palaver to cook one in a space station and has volunteered to make one for you. But be warned, Sadie’s haggis give you terrible wind and your chap might have to leave the windows open.
Willie

THE NASTY & POETRY

2009-12-17T03:25:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that as my earlier posts go to the bottom of the page, new readers will be somewhat confused as to what Willie’s Wisdom is all about. So as not to make them feel like strangers, I will now be supplying this short introductory paragraph to all my posts-

THE NASTY

Dear Willie,
About four months ago, I let my husband talk me into doing “the Nasty". Now he pesters me all the time to do it again. How often is normal for a married couple to do "the nasty'?
Bernadette, Tuskaloosa.

Dear Bernadette,
It is NEVER normal for a married couple to do "the nasty". See if you can talk him into sexual intercourse instead, you might like that better.
Good luck, Willie

ELECTRICS

Dear Willie,
Are you any good with electrics? I’ve been trying to put up a light fitting all day and it’s driving me nuts. The lights go on when I disconnect them and stay dim when I power them up. Help me before I am forced into installing gas lighting.
Gurmeet, Glasgow

Dear Gurmeet,
My, my, you have got yourself into a fankle, but relax yourself, for I am a master of the electric beastie. To make the electricals work you must first pray to the great God, Power Company, and sacrifice huge amounts of cash to it. Having done this you will have no home left and will not require electric power and your problem will therefore be solved. Cave living is becoming very popular these days and they can be lit and heated very adequately if your cave is situated above an oil field.
Willie

POETRY

Dearest Willie,

This may seem silly,
But I need to know,
Is it proper,
To ride a chopper,
On a Tuesday eve?
My dear girl Janet,
Says no’s her call,
She fears that I will fall,
But I have told her,
I am a soldier,
And know no fear at all.

Pete the Poet, San Francisco

Dear Pete,
I’m no poet,
And I know it,
But ride your bike,
Whene’er you like.
Willie

SILLY

Dear Willie,
I think your column is extremely silly. You do not offer sound, sensible, advice as behoves a mature man with your wide experience, but rely on humour and wit to entertain rather than facing up to the many problems that ail humankind. Would it not be better if you cast aside this clownish aspect and dedicated yourself to a sober appraisal of the many difficulties that your readers encounter?
Mrs Ticklemybottom, Utah

Dear Mrs Ticklemybottom,
I stand by my credo, humous is the best medicine.
Willie

RUNAWAY

Dear Willie,
My wife has run away with an insurance salesman but the company will still not pay out for the fire that destroyed my house. When that occurred my wife ran away with a fireman. Previous to that the insurance company would not pay out for our house being burgled, the occasion when Mildred ran off with the investigating police officer.
I had no need to require redress from them when she ran off with a sewage engineer as the fault was entirely my own. Newspapers do not flush well down a toilet. I knew when I married her that Mildred had an adventurous nature and to date she has run off with other men 38 times, but usually only stays with them for a few weeks. How can I stop her coming back?
Calvin, Vermont

Dear Calvin,
You’re not using your head at all, at all, my man. You know, deep in your heart, that you can never change Mildred’s flighty nature and that she will run off with the next man that crosses her path. Plan ahead, therefore, and move house the next time she goes roaming. With any luck she might stay put with the next occupier of your house and you will get peace.
Willie

RECIPROCAL

Dear Willie,
My husband went to work three weeks ago and has never returned home. That’s 21 wasted dinners I’ve cooked. He has just disappeared. What can I do?
Glenda, Coventry

Dear Glenda,
Phone Calvin above, who will shortly be in need of a good woman.
Willie

HIRSUTE

Dear Willie,
I have met a girl and fallen madly in love with her. She has the face of an angel, a really sweet nature and is suitably pneumatic. The problem is that she is, how shall I put it, rather hirsute down below. This came as a shock, when I first discovered it, as she’s not French or anything. How can I tell her that it’s not fashionable to be so encumbered in this day and age.
Wilbur, Peoria

Dear Wilbur,
What you need, my boy, is the Acme Bushmaster Model V3000. This is not, as you might think, any kind of electric razor, but a whip with which to tame unruly bushes which can harbour all kinds of wildlife. Alvin Tootle’s wife, Seraphim, kept a monkey in hers for years and he never once suspected.
Willie

Roads & Monsters

2009-12-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Well, my Sadie has shown her sense of humour this post, and no doubt, but I forgive her for she's a lovely lass. Willie, the Scottish Sage, here again to help you with all your problems.

RHINO

Dear Willie,
I have a problem. The latch on the back door is broken and the cat is getting out and annoying the rhino. Please fix it.
Sadie, Loch Ness

Dear Sadie,
In just a wee minute, my fine lass, just as soon as I’ve solved these few problems.
Willie

OTHER WOMEN

Dear Willie,
I have incontrovertible proof that my husband has been seeing other women (see pic).

Some days he sees several women and I think there are quite a few women at his work that he sees regularly. I love him and I thought he loved me. How can I stop him seeing other women?
Violet, Penn.

Dear Violet,
Your husband seems to be a vile philanderer and as you know seeing invariably leads to looking and God only knows where it may end. Your challenge, it seems to me, is to make yourself so attractive that your husband only has eyes for you. Basques, stockings and thongs are useful tools where these matters are concerned and are particularly efficacious in supermarkets and during church visits.
Willie

ROADS

Dear Willie,
How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man?
Bob, USA

Dear Bob,
Three.
Willie

FEAR OF FLYING

Dear Willie,
I am terrified of flying and have now found that I absolutely must take a flight to visit my daughter in Australia who has just given me a grandchild. What can I do to conquer this fear?
Mrs Lobo, Penrith

Dear Mrs Lobo,
As with most fears, they can only be overcome by taking things gradually. I would suggest standing on a chair for lengthy periods to start with. The flight from England to Australia takes approximately 12 hours, so that should be enough. Then, in slow stages, you increase the height you can tolerate. The top of the wardrobe would be a good next step. Try jumping onto the bed to get the feeling of actually flying. You will find it quite exhilarating. Soon you will be doing barrel rolls, and when you can achieve this, you will be ready for your first long-distance flight.
Willie

MONSTER

Dear Willie,
I bet you are asked this all the time, due to your location, but is there actually a Loch Ness monster?
Phil, Bermuda

Dear Phil,
I can categorically state that there is no Loch Ness monster, there are actually 283 and to describe them as monsters is something of a misnomer. They are reptiles, related to and descended from dinosaurs, though they have never been classified. Their outstanding feature is their sense of humour.
Willie

BANK ACCOUNTS

Dear Willie,
I am Mr George Nduka, Vice President of the Nigerian National Bank. For many years I have been trying to give many millions of US dollars to lucky people in the west, but they choose to ignore my generosity. They claim that I am spamming them and only wish to scam them for their bank details. This is totally untrue and I have the fraud convictions to prove this. You are a wise man, my good friend, Willie, and I am sure that you can see that I am an honest man. You offer advice and I offer cold hard cash, which in many cases can solve problems, so that you see we are essentially brothers on the same mission to help. Please send me your bank details.
George, Abuja

Dear George,
You sound like a wonderful man to me and I am proud to call you my brother and would be proud to give you my bank details if I only had one. I keep all my cash in a box under my bed and Direct Debit payments consist of Sadie slapping me on the head once a month and telling me to pay the bills.
Willie

Merry Xmas

2009-12-15T12:12:00.000-08:00

Santa & Goldfish

2009-12-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been neglecting my chores and Sadie has gone unkissed, but I have been determined to catch up with the backlog of problems which have been gathering in my Inbox. The life of a Scottish Sage, solving the problems of the world, is not an easy one and I accept my fate with quiet dignity. That and a cold supper from my lovely wife. Read on and benefit from my immense wisdom, dear friends ...

BEST LOVERS

Dear Willie,
My friends and I were discussing which nationality of men make the best lovers. Rosetta said her Luigi was the tops, but Gitte claimed her man, Christian was amazing. With this level of national pride we were obviously never going to get a consensus. The only way to get an unbiased opinion was going to be ask somebody who has no national loyalties, but such a woman doesn’t exist. It was my friend, Rosemary, who suggested that I consult you, as she has been a great fan of yours and respects your immense wisdom. So, Willie, which men make the best lovers?

Rita, NY

Dear Rita,
Strictly speaking, the Japanese make the best lovers. They are made of plastic and run on batteries, but are not very good conversationalists. Following them are the Scots, and this does not display national pride on my part, but an acceptance of reality as I personally know many of these chaps. The legendary Kinky MacDoohan could get a woman pregnant through a brick wall; Hugh Jorgen could give a woman an orgasm just by looking at her and Mungo MacDonut could woo a woman without moving his lips. Show me another nation that could boast such heroes?
Willie

SANTA

Dear Willie,
What would you say is the best way to tell my son, Sam, that Santa Claus doesn’t exist? Obviously I don’t want to hurt him or cause any trauma, but I think the time has finally come when he should know the truth. He always looks forward to Christmas and it is a joy to see his adorable little face as he writes his Christmas present list to be posted up the chimney, but both his father and I think that it is time he abandoned these childish fantasies. Sam is 43.
Jill, York

Dear Jill,
It is always more traumatic for the parents than the child to face the truth. Sam knows that Santa Claus exists because he is brought presents by him every year. It is of no use telling him that you yourselves supply these presents, as he knows that you are both miserable and mean-spirited people who wouldn’t buy him the X-Box when he asked for it. But, suddenly, come Christmas and his request to Santa, the X-Box suddenly appears. Ipso facto, Santa exists. Live with it.
Willie

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT

Dear Willie,
We cannot discipline our boys and they run wild terrorising the neighbourhood. What is your opinion on corporal punishment?
Terry, Washington

Dear Terry,
I don’t want to get into a lengthy debate on this subject, but suffice it to say that I believe that we should only resort to physical violence when it is totally unnecessary.
Willie

GOLDFISH

Dear Willie,
My daughter is demanding that I buy her a pony but has finally has come to accept that this is impractical as we live in an apartment block. She has now shifted her demands to a pet of any sort and doesn’t mind if it’s a dog, cat or hamster. What would you suggest?
Carlos, Madrid

Dear Carlos,
The best pet for a young lassie is a goldfish because of its many fine qualities. Your daughter could train it and goldfish are incredibly capable in following commands such as ‘Swim!’ and ‘Be Quiet!’. The lesser spotted Peruvian goldfish can even swim backwards, but only on Tuesdays. Unfortunately goldfish do not have a long lifespan and to avoid its demise causing your daughter distress I would recommend that you have it stuffed so that she can wear it as a brooch.
Willie

CARS

Dear Willie,
I don’t know if your wisdom, legendary though it is, stretches to automobiles. The thing is that we need to buy a new one and are unsure of which one to get. We are a family of four and require the car for commuting to work, the school run, weekend shopping and the occasional continental holiday. I know you don’t endorse products in your column but if you could suggest which type of car to go for it would be greatly appreciated.
Troy, Kent

Dear Troy,
The car you require doesn’t exist. All I can suggest is that you buy two different ones, one for local commuting and one for your longer trips, cut them in half and weld them together. This may seem like an expensive proposition but if you bring this new vehicle to market you may just make yourself a fortune.
Willie

PARTY DRESS

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of joining the Communist Party as I think that communism is due to be fashionable again. Unfortunately although I have blue and black above-the-knee party dresses, I do not have a Communist Party dress and none of the stores seem to stock them. Do you have any suggestions?
Barbara, Tx

Dear Barbara,
I think you should reappraise your new-found passion for communism as their parties are inevitably dull with endless discussions about the oppression of the proletariat which will no doubt bore a towering intellect such as yours. But to answer your question, any well-worn dress, dyed red, will do the job.
Willie

SEX FREQUENCY & WIFE SWAPPING

2009-12-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

Oh we’re fair motoring with the advice now, my wee chums and I may soon have to post this blog thing to you daily just to keep up with an inbox that is bulging more than my sporran. Couple of things to mention; your requests for advice should be sent to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I cannot give personal replies. Oh, and there are still people badgering me for personal information. I must admit it tickles my ego a wee bit but I have no interest in being a personality or celebrity, just a humble Scottish Sage. However, I’ve no objection to posting a wee photograph from my collection now and again, so here’s a picture of my wife, Sadie.

SEX FREQUENCY

Dear Willie,
How often should a married couple (17 years) make love? Berenice and I normally manage once a week, but she insist her friends are doing it much more often, but I find this hard to believe. Jocelyn is buck-toothed and Eva lacks girly bumps, so I don’t see their husbands being too keen on their conjugals. Anyway, Berenice thinks we should be at it like knives but I am afraid I might hurt my knees. What do you suggest would be a suitable frequency?
Roland, Alice Springs

Dear Roland,
The frequency of conjugals is always a hard call as women have many calls on their time, like knitting quiche etc. However, as it is Berenice that is making these demands of you I can only assume that she has time on your hands, in which case I would suggest that you get a young, handsome, gardener. He could deal with Berenice’s carnal needs and also do your garden (thus further saving your knees) as he would not want you to suspect that he was doing what you had hired him to do. I hope this makes sense. Murdo McLachlan, Sadie’s cousin, is looking for work at the moment and is willing to travel, but I think he was thinking more in terms of Edinburgh than Australia.
Willie

MOUSTACHE

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of entering politics and think I should grow a moustache to make me look more distinguished. What is your view?
Doris, Pennsylvania

Dear Doris,
Obviously, by looking at my portrait above you will see that I am in complete agreement with you. A moustache does certainly lend a gentleman an air of authority. Your problem lies in the fact that you are not a gentleman but, not to put too fine a point on it, a lady. Ladies with moustaches are not generally regarded seriously and I believe you may be making a major error with regard to facial hair, as it rarely suits a female face. But if you are not to be dissuaded please do avoid any type of hormone drugs which encourage hair growth as they are not area specific. I doubt a woman with a hairy chest would get far in politics, never mind the real world. If all else fails a false moustache may be the only answer.
Willie

WIFE SWAPPING

Dear Willie,
My husband and I have always had an open marriage but now my husband, Toby, has suggested that we engage in wife swapping , rather than finding extra-marital partners individually. The problem is that he wishes to swap with George and Cynthia Parland and I totally detest George, whereas hubby has always had the hots for Cynthia. I would much rather swap with Norman and Cathy Belmont as Norman is a dish, but Toby has already had it off with Cathy, at the Christmas party last year. He did not enjoy the occasion as Cathy tends to snort when in the throes of passion and Toby found it to be terribly off-putting and does not want a repeat performance. We both fancy Rick and Yolanda Barbour but they are devout Hindus and do not approve of wife swapping, so they’re out. George Trumbull obviously has the hots for me as he stuck his hand up my skirt at a barbeque last week and I am tempted as Toby copped a feel of George’s wife, Denise too. Unfortunately Denise went all prudish and called the police and there was a bit of a scene. Luckily I got the phone number of the handsome young cop who arrested Toby, a guy called Andy, so some good came out of the fiasco. Toby admitted to me that he had made love with his cell mate while in jail and feels he may be bisexual, which is appalling as I’m not, so he may get more fun than me and might even steal my boyfriends. Anyway, to get to the question I wanted to ask you, are there any swingers in Scotland, as we’re thinking of going to your cute little country on vacation?
Ginger, LA

Dear Ginger,
Scotland is a veritable carnival of carnality with swapping and swinging going on left, right and centre. You can’t step out of the door without tripping over rutting couples. Why only last week, Old Archie, swapped his Russian war bride, Svetlana, for a bag of onions and a copy of Rubber Spanking. He got the best part of the deal, believe me.
Willie

MINING

Dear Willie,
My husband has given up a perfectly good job as a merchant banker and says he wants to return to his father’s working-class roots by becoming a coal miner. How low can he sink?
Charlotte, Windsor

Dear Charlotte,
Depends what pit he gets a job in.
Willie

LOST

Dear Willie,
My English she no very good so you understand maybe no. I look for girl, top quality big bosoms I meeting on holydays. She love me very much and I also. I come your country find her for wedding and give her babies but only knowing name no addressing or telephoning numbers. Her name Suzanne she blonde. I love her very very mucho, Willie, please helping me.
Rodrigo, c/o Palace Hotel, Hamiliton

Dear Roddy,
Nae bother, sonny boy. The lassie you’re looking for is Suzanne Roberts, 48 Bellevue Park Court, Paisley and her phone number is 0141 177 90999, but she doesn’t want to see you because of the incident with the Bacardi Breezer and the cowbell, so you might want to cancel the wedding plans.
Willie

ASSASSINATION

Dear Willie,
I have private health insurance with an international company, but they are refusing to assassinate my wife. Her constant nagging gives me a headache and as far as I am concerned that is a medical matter that they should deal with. Do you think I should take legal action to make them face up to their responsibilities.
Neil, BC

Dear Neil,
No, no, lad, for God’s sake have a sense of proportion, you mustn’t be having the poor woman assassinated. Either buy a pair of ear plugs or use the time honoured Scottish method of dealing with a nagging wife, tell her to ‘Shut yer face!’
Willie

Panties & Sexuality

2009-12-14T03:33:00.000-08:00

Hello, yet again, my problem pals, Willie here with his mountains of wisdom to lighten your load. I can proudly declare that there is no problem I cannot resolve. Take my challenge, send your problems to willie@scriptschool.co.uk and I will resolve them in the twinkling of an eye with my exclusive access to centuries of Scottish lore.

PANTIES

Dear Willie,
I recently met a chap and subsequently, as it was my birthday, he bought me a gift. I was shocked to find that the present was a pair of edible panties. What does this mean?
Shania, Az

Dear Shania,
It seems perfectly obvious to me. This chap obviously works as a salesman for an edible underwear company and has given you these pants as an inducement to buy his products. Do not make any hasty decisions, but demand to see his entire range. I must admit that I am not very knowledgeable about edible clothing, so perhaps you could answer a question for me. Do you eat them before wearing them or wear them after eating them?
Willie

PRAISE

Dear Willie,
Forgive me for writing to you as I don’t actually have a problem. But I just wanted to let you know that you and your work are greatly appreciated and that you are a credit to the human race.
Siobhan, Donegal

Dear Siobhan,
Och, away ye go ya blether. I’m just an ordinary chap trying to help out his fellow human beings with a few words of infallible wisdom whilst I’m not feeding the goats or shearing the geese on the banks of Loch Ness.
Willie

SEXUALITY

Dear Willie, I hope you can help me. I am a teenage boy and I am a bit confused about my sexuality. I really enjoy stage musicals and this makes me think I may be gay. How can I be sure?
Cecil, Las Vegas

Dear Cecil,
You are at a very delicate stage and decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life, so you must be sure that what you decide is correct for you. A liking for Barbra Streisand is no basis on which to set your entire sexual future; you must look for other signs. Do you enjoy biting pillows and dropping the soap in communal showers? It is little things like that which will ensure that you will enjoy hanging around leather bars with large tattooed and moustachioed men called Leroy.
Willie

GLOBAL WARMING

Dear Willie,
If you are so smart, what is your answer to global warming?
Chris, Colorado

Dear Chris,
I am not entirely convinced that global warming is caused by human activity. I instinctively dislike people who cry wolf and we just don’t have the evidence that global temperature doesn’t vary over time from natural causes. However, I think we must all do everything we can to manage our planet sensibly and therefore detest the current fashion for cremation which undoubtedly releases some unsavoury characters into the atmosphere, as well as heat. Bury the buggers, I say, in the good Earth, where they can provide a decent meal for some worms and contribute something to the planet, rather than disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
Willie

FINE LOOKING

Dear Willie,
I am thinking of having plastic surgery as I cannot find a man to make my very own. It’s very obvious, as you can see from my photograph, that I am not an attractive woman, but my friends are giving me a lot of grief about this. Please confirm that I am ugly and need plastic surgery so that I can go under the knife with confidence.
Sandra, Cardiff

LOOKS

Dear Sandra,
You are an attractive woman and all you lack is self-confidence. By way of an experiment I took your photograph down to my local pub, The Horny Goat, and asked the opinion of my cronies there. To a man they said you were a damn fine-looking woman and they would be proud to take you to wife. In fact, Fergus McEnroy, said he was prepared to offer three sheep and a small Land Rover to your father for the right to marry you. But he has not been well since his last bout of snake flu. Be proud, lady, and men will fall at your feet.
Willie

CLEAN

Dear Willie,
My wife insists on taking a shower every morning and a bath in the evening. Surely this is taking cleanliness a step too far? My wife counter argues that I am just a filthy man, but I insist that anybody in a non-manual job need only bathe once every few days. Which one of us is right?
Rodney, Singapore

Dear Rod,
Personal hygiene is just that, personal. What suits one person need not, necessarily, suit another. I, for instance, plunge into Loch Ness fully-clothed once a week and feel immeasurably better for it. Funnily enough this usually happens on the day I get my pension cheque and go to The Horny Goat to celebrate.
Willie

LIARS & SURGEONS

2009-12-13T11:40:00.000-08:00

Welcome again, my dear troubled friends. Once again I, Willie, the Scottish Sage, am here to help you out with my incredible wisdom. There is no facet of the human condition that I cannot give you sound advice on and that’s a promise. Send your problems to me at willie@scriptschool.co.uk. And great news for all you troubled folk, Willie’s Wisdom will now be appearing on an internet near you TWICE a week. So, abandon hope, despair! Incidentally, my interview last week has fair got you interested in my personal life. So, as a wee treat, I’m letting you have a look at where I live.

If you look carefully in the upstairs window,

you'll just manage to see the wife, Sadie, having her annual enema.

But on with the show.

SAGE SCHOOL

Dear Willie,
I wish to be a sage, the same as what you are yourself. I will bill myself as Sven the Swedish Sage, even though I am actually Norwegian. I promise not to go into competition with you because I am a much younger man and do not have your years of experience, but any advice you could give me would be gratefully received.
Sven, Oslo

Dear Sven,
No problem, pal, I welcome competition. To become a sage you obviously have to go to sage school and I hope there’s one locally as distance learning sagacity is a definite no-no. It is a long and arduous process, learning to be a sage, and often requires years of training and eating fish. You will need to learn from yoga masters, zen masters and master bakers. This is not a profession for the weak of heart or soft of head, Sven, but I wish you well.
Willie
Ps- I have seen The Heroes of Telemark 18 times.

SOCCER

Dear Willie,
As a Scotsman you are no doubt interested in football. Who, from the great pantheon of Scottish players such as Dalglish, Baxter, Johnstone and Sounness, is the greatest player you have ever seen?
Robin, Prague

Dear Robin,
I never actually saw him, but my grandfather claimed the greatest player he ever saw was M.K. Gandhi and he did, in fact, play alongside him with our local amateur side, the Loch Ness Monsters. Sceptics may argue that it is unlikely the Indian spiritual leader ever played in a small Scottish team, but the facts are that while studying law in London, Gandhi came to Scotland on a touring holiday and was invited to play with the Monsters. My father said he was a naturally talented winger with great ball control. However rumours that he based his theories of passive resistance on Scottish football are probably untrue.
Willie

LIAR

Dear Willie,
I am a very good liar and my family and friends think I should use this skill to become a writer of fiction. Unfortunately my spelling and grammar are not very good. Any ideas on how I could improve them?
Rolf, Vienna

Dear Rolf,
Why bother? Become a politician instead.
Willie

HYPNOTISM

Dear Willie,
My wife went to see a hypnotist to help her lose weight. This was successful and she lost the 10 lbs she had put on in the three years since we married. There has, however, been a side-effect to this treatment, and she is now infatuated with hypnotists. It has got to the point where she won’t go to bed with me unless I wave a pocket watch in front of her face. Can you help?
Tim, Oxford

Dear Tim,
This is a common problem as hypnotists often slip in a subliminal message when they’ve got you into a trance. This chap obviously fancied your wife and was trying to make a move on her. I would suggest (a) punching him on the nose and (b) tattooing a watch face onto your forehead.
Willie

PEARL HARBOR

Dear Willie,
What do you think of the American political and financial position towards Japan prior to Pearl Harbor?
Bobbi, Atlanta

Dear Bobbi,
Nice try, but ye have to do your history homework yourself.
Willie

SURGEON

Dear Willie,
We have a problem with sanitary arrangements in our household since we decided to share our bath water in an effort to save energy. The problem lies in who should get to use the bath water first, when it is clean. Naturally, as a gentleman, I should insist that my wife takes precedence, but the nature of our jobs precludes this. I am a brain surgeon and she is a car mechanic. The thought of putting my almost sterile body into her filthy, greasy, bathwater repulses me and worries me in case I carry germs back to my patients. My wife, however, is insisting on ladies first. Could you suggest a compromise?”
Miguel, San Lobo

Dear Miguel,
You seem to be working under the misapprehension that your job is somehow more important than your wife’s, which is an utter nonsense, amigo. Human beings can function perfectly adequately with only half a brain whereas half a car is useless junk. So let your wife get washed and back under a Ford as soon as possible so we can keep the planet moving.
Willie

Lesbians & Bladders

2009-12-11T04:30:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am again, dear friends, dealing with all of the problems that ail you with my all-encompassing wisdom. For those who have not visited before, I am Willie, the Scottish Sage, and what I don’t know wouldn’t fill a midget’s matchbox. But on with today’s session, read and learn!

LESBIAN

Dear Willie,
I am 21 years old and after several failed relationships with men have decided that I will become a lesbian. However, I am unsure how to proceed with this course of action. Does one have to sit an exam or anything? Please advise.
Karen, Winnipeg

Dear Karen,
It’s not widely known but lesbianism was actually invented by a man, the legendary Nathaniel Lesbian, of Tobruk fame. It was basically to give his wife, Olivia, something to do with her friends in the afternoons while their menfolk were at work. Nat never envisaged that it would catch on like wildfire and become the major female participation sport of the 20th Century. In his memoirs he remarks that he wished he’d taken out a patent and of the millions he’d have made if he’d got a cent every time one woman kissed another. This version of events is disputed but I stand by it. Nat, himself, told me about it in a pub in Pitlochry. But, to answer your question, no exam is required, merely strong lips.
Willie

PASTA

Dear Willie,
In our history class yesterday, the teacher said that Marco Polo brought pasta back from his visit to China and this is why Italians eat so much of it. Is this true?
Claire (9), Wyoming

Dear Claire,
Don’t believe a word of it. This is a lie perpetuated by the Chinese who want to claim that they invented everything, apart from communism, which was invented by Carol Marx, the daughter of Groucho Marx and a part-time go-go dancer. If Marco Polo had brought pasta back from China we’d be eating noodles bolognese or noodles carbonara. And Bruce Lee was an Irishman.
Willie

DRUNK

Dear Willie,
My wife says I drink too much. Do you think it is wrong to get drunk twice at the weekend?
John, Sydney

Dear John,
I am something of an expert on these matters as drinking is Scotland’s national sport. What you must impress on your wife are the benefits of being drunk. Here is a list of things which you can do better when inebriated. (1) Talk nonsense (2) Fall down (3) Pick fights (4) Eat rubbish (5) Vomit (6) Sleep.
What other activity could give you such a wide range of benefits?
Cheers!
Willie

BLADDER

Dear Willie,
My husband would like to go on an overseas holiday which would involve a lot of travel. Unfortunately I have recently started suffering from bladder problems and this would be very inconvenient due to my constant needs. Can you suggest a solution?
Doreen, Dubai

Dear Doreen,
This is an easy problem to solve. Why don’t the pair of you take an incontinental holiday?
Willie

VOYEUR

Dear Willie,
I am a voyeur and yesterday my neighbour, Mrs Coldly, accused me of spying on her undressing through her window. She even went to the lengths of phoning the police and having me arrested. But I was merely lurking in the undergrowth to have a peek at my wife while she was undressing, as she is an exhibitionist. How can I convince the authorities that this was consensual between two adults?
Norbert, Atlanta Ga

Dear Norbert,
The only way I can see for your wife to convince a court that she is an exhibitionist, and you are innocent, is for her to fling off her garments in the witness box. On second thoughts, I believe you deserve jail time, as any man who wants to watch his wife undressing is obviously dangerous.
Willie

SWITCHING

Dear Willie,
I am a very successful businessman, with a loving wife, an expensive car and a very large house. Unfortunately I also have a very beautiful secretary. What can I do?
Howard
Reno

Dear Howie,
What you have to do is re-arrange things a bit. Stick with the successful businessman, the loving wife and the expensive car. But switch the house and secretary so that she is vary large and the house is very beautiful.
Willie

Smug & Startling

2009-12-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

Well, back to the advice, my wee friends, after my revealing interview last time round. The Inbox has been fair bulging with your requests for help, but I am not daunted and ask you to bring it on and I will fight my way through your many problems. Send your grief to willie@scriptschool.co.uk And remember and read my previous posts, there’s loads of wisdom there.

HAMBURGERS & PIZZA

Dear Willie,
We have recently moved to Seattle in the USA from India as my husband is a software engineer. My problem is that I cannot convince my children to remember their heritage by eating our traditional curries. Instead, they prefer to eat hamburgers and pizzas and suchlike with their American friends. What can I do?
Mrs Pritam Rai, Seattle

Dear Mrs Rai,
That’s no problem at all, if ye follow my advice. Just take your hamburgers and whatever and stick them in your curry, buns and all, making a hamburger curry. I can fair do that fusion.
Willie

WIND
Dear Willie,
I suffer from terrible wind when I eat certain foods and it causes me considerable embarrassment. People avoid me at work and the neighbours have moved out. Is there a solution?
Bradley, Nova Scotia

Dear Bradley,
In these green, eco-friendly times you have discovered a form of wind power which can only help to reduce global warming and also save you money. Simply attach a small wind turbine to the seat of your underpants and use the electricity generated to power your watch. If your wind power exceeds this you may want to store the excess in a battery. A large tin of baked beans could help you run an LCD TV.
Willie

NAMING NAMES

Dear Willie,
I wish to change my name. It is currently Arthur, but I have never liked it. I imagine myself more as a Norman or Reginald. Which do you think would best suit?
Arthur Smallcock, Yuba City, Ca

Dear Artie,
I would forget about the whole thing and take pride in your name, which has a distinguished past. I assume you’ve heard of King Arthur, but have you ever heard of King Norman or King Reginald? Well, actually, there was a King Reg of Turkmenistan, but he was deposed three minutes after ascending the throne due to indigestion.
Willie

SMUG

Dear Willie,
I have just won £50 million on the National Lottery. I don’t have any problems and I don’t need any of your useless advice. I just wanted you to know that I was now incredibly, fabulously, stinking, rich.
George, Edinburgh

Dear George,
A smug little scumbag, aren’t you? How would you like it if I printed your full address and let you handle the begging letters and the spongers at your door? I have the power of the internet behind me, wee man, and your wealth means nothing to me.
Willie

STARTLING

Dear Willie,
My man has a terrible habit. When he comes home from the pub after a few beers, he comes up to the bedroom and bites me on the bottom. This is quite a startling way to be woken up and I’m scared that it could cause me psychological problems. How can I get him to desist?
Jen, Australia

Dear Jen,
There are, in fact, two ways to resolve this problem. One is to learn how to sleep face up, though there is the problem of you rolling over whilst asleep. The other is to have your mother over to stay the night and sleep in your bed without telling your man.
Willie

BORING

Dear Willie,
My wife thinks I am boring and so I have decided to take up some adventurous new hobbies in an attempt to appear more virile and attractive to her. I am considering stamp collecting with its inherent danger of paper cuts, or perhaps pressing wild flowers though I suffer dreadfully from hay fever. Do you have any other suggestions?
Jorg, Hamburg

Dear Jorg,
Well, you are a man of action, and there’s no doubt about it. But I really don’t see why you have to take on all these dangerous pastimes just to satisfy your wife. Being boring is an adventure in itself. I would concentrate on it, if I were you, as you obviously have a natural aptitude for it. And it’s soon to be an Olympic sport. Just think, you could bore for the fatherland.
Willie

An Interview With Willy

2009-12-08T03:53:00.000-08:00

Something a bit different this session, folks. Despite my bulging Inbox, I’ve had to bow to public pressure and let you know a little about myself. This is from an interview I gave to Advisors Monthly, the prestigious trade magazine for people in my profession. I hope it helps you feel a little more confident about approaching me with your problems, many of which I will be confronting next time.

WILLIE, ARE YOU ACTUALLY SCOTTISH?
I was born and bred on the banks of Loch Ness, and still live there, making a meagre living frightening tourists.

WHAT IS YOUR SECOND NAME?
I cannot reveal that for tax purposes.

WHAT AGE ARE YOU?
Old enough to know a thing or two.

HOW DID YOU BECOME INVOLVED IN THE ADVICE BUSINESS?
Ah, there lies a tale. A few friends and I had come down to the bonny banks of Loch Lomond, looking for girls, as young men do. Now, one of my friends was Sandy MacAllan, a fine, big, braw, lad but awful shy with the lassies. All the rest of us would be dancing and kissing with the girlies, for the girlies of Loch Lomond were ever keen on high jinks, and poor Sandy would be sitting all by himself, nursing his beer and looking miserable. So I took it on myself to have a wee chat with him about his lack of success with the womenfolk. Seems he didn’t have a clue on how to approach a lassie, and I advised him to hitch his kilt a little above the knee every now and then, for he had a braw pair of knees, and that this would drive the girls into a frenzy and they wouldn’t be able to resist him.

AND DID THIS METHODOLOGY WORK?
Sandy MacAllan has been married eight times and always to women called Morag. He had a kind of fetish for the name. There was not a Morag for twenty miles was safe when Sandy MacAllan was in the mood and had his kilt hitched above his knee. Mind you, you might say that it was not Sandy himself who approached me for advice, but I who forced my wisdom on him. But I knew from that moment that my destiny was to be a sage.

BUT SURELY YOU DIDN’T HAVE THE LIFE EXPERIENCE TO OFFER ADVICE AT THAT YOUNG AGE?
Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. I might not have had the life experience, but I had the intoition.

YOU MEAN INTUITION?
No, intoition. Once I’m into something I see the solution as sure as it was Ben Nevis right in front of me. It’s a thing you’re born with, the intoition. I tried to teach it to a chap once but he ended up with a sprained neck with the concentration.

YOU OFFER ADVICE ON JUST ABOUT EVERY FACET OF THE HUMAN CONDITION. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU DON’T KNOW?
Chinese car washing practices are a mystery to me. They might be the same as those of us in the rest of the world, but I have no knowledge of them and so I admit my ignorance.

AND THAT’S ALL?
God, you’ll be wanting me to admit that I’m a total ignoramus! No, Chinese car washing practices is the limits of my ignorance. Well, that and the capital of Uruguay.

YOU RARELY COMMENT ON THE GREAT ISSUES OF THE DAY.
I’m a humble man, as my readers well know, and don’t think it’s my place to be telling politicians and businessman their business. But I’d rather be helping some poor chap with marital advice than running countries or corporations.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIVATE, CELEBRITY, CLIENTS WHO COME TO YOU FOR ADVICE?
Oh, a few, and private they will remain. Well, apart from Sean Connery, Sandra Bullock, Gordon Brown, Steven Spielberg and Mick Jagger.

DO YOU THINK BEING AN AGONY UNCLE IS A CALLING?
Well, I despise the Agony Uncle description for a start. The people who come to me are not in agony, merely seeking some guidance. The title was only thought up by some feeble-minded writer with an obsession for alliteration. And Agony Uncle doesn’t even have that. But to answer your question, yes.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED TAKING YOUR ADVICE ONTO RADIO OR TV?
Willie’s Wisdom started as a small weekly column in the Loch Ness Gazette. It was offered to national newspapers, but they rejected it, because they said I wasn’t sophisticated enough for city dwellers. So, I thought to myself, a pox on them and their media cronies in radio and TV, and took the column directly to the internet, where I can help people from across the world.

AND YOU REALLY THINK YOUR LIFE AS A SCOTTISH VILLAGER QUALIFIES YOU TO GIVE ADVICE TO SOMEONE IN, SAY, NEW ZEALAND?
Of course, of course, because as the bard, Rabbie Burns, said, ‘For aw that, an’ aw that, it’s comin’ yet, for aw that, that man to man, the world over, will brothers be, for all that’. That’s a fine creed to live by, to stretch out your hand to your fellow man and give them the benefit of your intoition. The lad concerned about acne in S. Africa is no different to his brother in Sweden.

AND THE CURE FOR ACNE IS?
Tomato soup and yoghurt, applied on alternate days.

AND WITH THAT POINTED PIECE OF ADVICE WE MUST BRING THIS INTERVIEW TO AN END. THANK YOU FOR YOU TIME, WILLIE, THE SCOTTISH SAGE.
My pleasure, lassie. Now, mind your motoring car on your way out. The boys round here are gey keen on them alloy wheels and you’ll get nowhere driving on bricks.

Wrestling & Unmentionables

2009-12-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

I'm here again, folks, as I will be for many years to come, to help you with all your problems with help and advice derived from ancient Scottish lore. Remember to check out all my posts here, as you just find the solution to your own problem.

Wrestling

Dear Willie,
My grandmother is considering becoming a professional wrestler and is having difficulty in deciding what to take as her ‘stage’ name. She was fond of Crusher Brannigan for a while, but has recently began to favour Deathlock Davies or Nutcracker Nelligan. Her actual name is Felicity. She is a big fan of yours and would appreciate any help you could give. Tickets for ringside seats for her debut are on offer if you can come up with anything.
Hector Shitkucker, Arizona

Dear Hector,
I'm no great fan of professional wrestling as the acting is often below the standard of even the most mediocre daytime soap opera. The offer of ringside seats is therefore immaterial. However I would like to help old Felicity in her ambitions and think Knitting Nancy or Baking Betty would be more appropriate.
Willie

Unmentionable

Dear Willie,
I have a large, ugly, boil on my ‘unmentionable’, which is occasionally quite painful. Can you help?
Colin, Miami

Dear Colin,
Well, I must admit, you’ve got me stumped with this one. I’ve checked everywhere and even asked Dr Singh down at the Health Centre, and there’s definitely no part of the human body called an unmentionable. There’s all sorts of weird named things, but absolutely no unmentionable. Do you mean your penis?
Willie

Shameless Plug

Dear Willie,
I want to be a writer. I have an idea for a book. It’s about aliens invading Earth, disguised as elephants. They hide out in zoos and circuses as well as Africa. I think it’s a great idea and would make a fantastic film as well. What do you think?
Alphonse, Milan

Dear Alf,
If you’re planning on writing a book and you don’t have any experience I’d suggest you head over to Scriptschool where they’ll get you on the write track. If it ever comes to a film do bear me in mind for the lead, as long as he’s a human. I’m a bit overweight, but I don’t think I could manage an elephant.
Willie

Stripper

Dear Willie,
My mother is causing me great concern. Since my father died she has taken to wearing short skirts and high heeled shoes and behaving in a very loose manner. She wears bright red lipstick and whistles at workmen in the street. I fear that she will come to a bad end. She is a stripper.
Vernon, Prague

Dear Vern
When I was in the house painting game we didn’t have dedicated strippers but had to strip the walls ourselves before preparing them for painting or wallpapering. But people have things too easy these days and if your mother wants to earn a bit to supplement her pension I don’t see anything wrong with the decorating business. But do tell your mother to be careful when climbing ladders while wearing a short skirt.
Willie