Wilma Proops' Problem Page

Wilma Proops Back with New Man

2011-11-06T15:44:00.002Z

Polygraphs and Other Lie Detectors

Arrangements are being made for Wilma Proops to introduce the latest man in her life. The man (we are sure you'll know) will have to jump through hoops and in various other configurations if he is to live up to the high standard set by the list of losers who have dated, cohabited and - in four cases - married Wilma Proops.

NEW TESTS FOR WILMA'S NEW MAN

It is not known if Wilma's latest understands the nature of the tests he will have to undergo if he is to become Wilma's official squeeze. We will not reveal all here but can confirm that the new bloke will be required to take lie detector tests.

Liar Liar Your Bum’s On Fire | Calls to Polygraph Murdoch

2011-07-22T08:32:00.008+01:00

Polygraph Tests for Suspected Liars

Two News of the World Executives claim that James Murdoch was aware of phone hacking when he sanctioned huge out of court payments to celebrity victims. Wilma Proops gives her unique perspective on the matter. (Aint it good? The downfall of News International has left a large gap for new and interesting pundits.)

Did You See Flames Shoot out of James Murdoch’s Bottom?

Children tell lies. Parents and carers will know this to be the case as their charges will have undoubtedly spun the odd porky pie (told a lie). Telling lies is part of a child’s development and shouldn’t be treated as a criminal offence; after all, these “child lies” are usually of little consequence, are entertaining and usually absurd. For example:

“it wasn’t me it was him” and “she told me to do it” while blaming an imaginary person.

Parents and carers will also have ways of dealing with lies. Some feign belief and only inadequate, power tripping parents will treat child lies with disproportionate punishments. The latter type shouldn’t really be parents, they raise children who may think they are called Shut Up and Quiet. The former are better parents but the best parents (like my good self) show the child that their lie has been detected and will not make them advantage. The best method of is to have a laugh. For example, use this method of meeting lies, which is based on the rhyme:

Liar, liar, your bum’s on fire

When your young child tells a lie, parents and carers say something like:

“If that’s true, how come I just saw a flame shoot out of your pants?”

Some children will even tell a lie and then quickly check to see the flame. It is a laugh and good fun.

Did Rupert Murdoch See Flames Emanate from James Murdoch’s Pants?

On Tuesday James Murdoch told the Culture Committee that he did not know about the hacking of phones when he sanctioned huge payments for celebrities who had their mobile (cell) phones hacked. This was not a sweet child’s lie if the News of the World’s executives who revealed it are to be believed. Perhaps Sean Hoare would have agreed with them if he had not been found dead.

Polygraph the B*******!

Let’s cut the crap and give the likes of James Murdoch, Rebekah Brooks, Andy Coulson, bankers and war criminals, polygraph tests.

Swimming Machines or a Jacuzzi a Simple Decision

2011-05-23T12:01:00.001+01:00

Image via Wikipedia | A Swimming Machine (aka Resistance Swimming Apparatus)

Jacuzzi and Hot Tubs

Several of my properties have a jacuzzi or a hot tub in the garden or on the patio or roof terrace. I do enjoy soaking and water therapy under the stars. Outdoor exercise (unless I'm in a hurry when I use my special machine - Click Here to read about that) is far preferable to indoor. You'll not get Wilma Proops in a smelly gymnasium, no matter how good looking the instructor! Even if by reputation (you know who you are) "you go like a train"!

Wilma's Advice on Hot Tubs and Jacuzzi

Yes, I delight in the relaxation of hot tubs and jacuzzi but both have their drawbacks as far as I'm concerned. If you keep reading this you too will become less enamoured of the hot tub and jacuzzi but, nevertheleas, I ask that you read on. I am a "selfish cow" as my friends and foes rightfully discern but that is not why I NEVER share my hot tub or jacuzzi. It is neither why I decline to "come in" when invited to by friends and it is neither why I empty my tubs, clean thoroughly and refill after guests have stayed in any of my homes while I was not there or at least instruct my staff to carry out these menial tasks.

The Problem with Hot Tubs and Jacuzzi

What explains these practices is my absolute objection to sharing body emmisions, loose skin flakes and, even worse when we are talking sharing with a dirty unhygienic person/people urine, faeces and smegma particles or - in the worse case scenario - dollops of the aforesaid body matter.

Replacing Tubs with Swimming Machines

That said, unpleasant as it was it needed to be, I am now turning to my latest thing. My love of exercise outside will be well served when I install a Swimming Machine in each of my properties. In some more substantial homes this will be in addition to the outdoor heated swimming pool and the outdoor hot tub but in smaller houses I will be replacing them with swimming machines. The smaller machines are made for one person to use at a time and can be set to provide different currents to swim against. These smaller swimming machines are not that much bigger - in the amount of space they take up, to a tall muscular man lying on the floor.

Introducing Wilma's Porking Stool

2011-02-08T20:58:00.000Z

Hi Friends,

I have a new venture which I know you are going to appreciate. I am still hawking Fat Wobbling and Wobbling Fat Away by means of a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine but now I am branching out with my newly designed and patented Porking Stool.

What is a Porking Stool?

Need you ask? A Porking Stool is a stool you sit on while you are being porked? Geddit? I hope you will buy one from my official suppliers when they are released soon. In the meantime don't accept anything other than the Wilma Proops brand of Porking Stool and while you're waiting get in shape with the help of a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Shake Your Fat Away!

2010-12-31T17:18:00.001Z

Wilma Proops has been wobbling her fat away for almost two years now. She uses (as all regular readers will know) a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. Read about how Wilma discovered Vibration Plate Exercise in her article Wobble Your Fat Away which has had thousands and thousands of readers since she wrote it.

Image via Wikipedia

The only problem is that Vibration Plate Exercise Machines are not portable. Wilma has bought several and installed them in her homes throughout the world but what does she do when she stays as a guest somewhere or takes prolonged breaks in luxury hotels. What if her host is a foody? What if the luxury hotels which she frequents has Michelin starred restaurants and offer 24/7 room service? You've guessed it, Wilma piles on the fat.

What Wilma needs is a portable Fat Wobbler (aka a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine). However, there is no such thing. There is however Shake Weights. Wilma has been watching her cousin demonstrate the Shake Weights on commercial TV in America. (Sandra sent a copy to her cell phone). As Wilma is off for a holiday in Barbados she has packed the Shake Weights that Sandra sent her.

We don't know if they work but Wilma will be trialling them for her readers and should report back in February with results.

Crazy Fit Fat Wobbling Machine

2010-12-09T11:55:00.002Z

How One Woman Became Crazy Fit Almost Two Years Ago

Wilma Proops is buying another Fat Wobbling machine for herself for Christmas. She'll then be shipping it over to her luxury, Puerto del Carmen, (in Lanzarote) holiday apartment. Wilma has been promoting Vibration Plate Exercise machines for almost two years. This was two weeks after the first time she ever stood on one. She had already noticed the difference that ten minutes every other day had made to her body shape and her mental and physical welfare.

Image via Wikipedia

Read about how she discovered the secrets of Vibration Plate exercise: Click here to read WOBBLE YOUR FAT AWAY! This is a fun to read article and describes how Wilma became crazy fit on a fat wobbler.

The Science Behind Fat Wobbling and What Else they Wobble Away

Discover that there is well founded science behind the innovative Vibration Plate Exercise machines and that they can be used by people who are unfit because they have become sedentary and depressed because of their workload and responsibilities. A Vibration Plate Exercise machine turned Wilma's life around. Within a month of starting to use hers, for ten minutes every other day, Wilma was out power walking and off to swim. She had allowed herself to become down and depressed but her Vibration Plate Exercise machine wobbled her depression off as well as her fat. It also made her daughter laugh so much that it hurt.

Buy Yourself a Crazy Fit ~~Fat Wobbling~~ Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Or buy one for your second home. But one for someone who is stuck in a no exercise rut.

Read Wobble Your Fat Away and check out the prices of Vibration Plate Exercise Machines.

How to Get Real

2010-12-03T22:33:00.000Z

A right pair of plonkers! At least Wilma Proops and Majorie Blunt can't be accused of ruining the world. George W Bush got real on the golf course "watch this drive" while Tony Blair got real by describing his sex life with Jaws aka his wife Cherie Booth QC and Crunt (pictured). Should you want to buy any of these books click on the images for details from Amazon.

How to Get Real

Exactly, how does one get real? This is the question I was discussing with my good friend Majorie Blunt recently. Does, one (to use the ridiculous language of the pompous middle class) want to (to use the terminology of 1960s hippy types) get real? Marjorie Blunt argued, in the manner of a terrier with its jaws well and truly locked on, that the quest to get real was of central importance in the lives of all and, if they didn't think so "they bloody well should".

Me, Marjorie's oldest (and obviously most informed) friend, yours truly Wilma Proops, argued that getting real was nowhere as near as important as getting laid, getting funds and getting holidays. Although I was only joking to start with, Marjorie's arrogant attitude had me polarise my opinion and stand sturdy. Who won?

We remain good friends because we have learnt to live with these spats. I watched the video footage back to see how we do this. Of course Marjorie doesn't know that I have CCTV is all my rooms - due to an ex who was good with his hands and because I want CCTV in all my rooms - and I'd rather (if you know her) you didn't let her know.

The CCTV shows to old birds (Marjorie and me) drunk as lords and banging our own drums while ignoring the drum banging of the other. I suppose Marjorie is seen getting real and getting real for Marjorie is about banging her drum. I'm banging my drum but not getting real because I don't like banging my drum and only do it when I'm drunk. I'm not real when I'm drunk. In fact, after a few I get nasty, naughty or numb but never real. Reality for me is when I'm sober. I'm seldom sober and so I seldom get real.

Stupid really... Get real on a white knuckle ride or a roller coaster!

How to Design Your Own Vagina

2010-11-12T10:41:00.000Z

Labiaplasty for the Elderly

Some women (but obviously not me) have problem vaginas. This is because they have always been a problem or because - through over use - they have become a problem. Hanging skin, larger than ideal aperture makes for an ugly, under performing vagina. If you are one of those women who want the best looks and everywhere then there's a plastic surgeon waiting for you!

Cosmetically Enhanced Vaginas

Unlike cosmetically enhanced boobs which all look the same, like painful bouncy castles, cosmetically enhanced vaginas are truly amazing. Obviously do your research and don't go for a (excuse the pun and sorry if it makes you wince) "cut price labiaplasty".

My Friend with the Labiaplasty

My friend is wearing all sorts of beach wear that she wouldn't have risked before the labiaplasty procedure. She also reckons that sex is so much better with her small endowed husband. Looking at the smile on her face I would recommend that labiaplasty might work for you!

How to Design Your Own Boxer Shorts

2010-10-19T09:02:00.003+01:00

As more and more websites offer the facility to design the artwork to be reproduced on men's boxer shorts so do the number of men with ridiculous and embarrassing designs on their undergarments increase. This article is for them and the tips will be timely for those who want to design their own boxers but who do not want to be among their number... because they are (and there is no nice way of putting this so I'll come straight out with it - apart from this preamble) LOSERS!

Another Problem we can Blame on the Internet

Online computer design technology means that the general public (as opposed to a vastly overpaid designer) can design motifs, images and write the copy to be reproduced on all sorts of merchandise. From T shirts to teddy bears and from place mats to boxer shorts, men can impose their own messages, styles and jokes on these and other items. Below the picture of old style boxers, what they looked like before their reincarnation, and the picture of the foundation garment as seen nowadays - the blank canvas upon which we embellish our designs as it were - are a few tips for you if you plan to be amongst the vast number of men who strut their stuff in self designed boxer shorts.

This ghastly image is courtesy of Wikipedia - Boxer shorts from the old loose dangley days...

Thank Gauld for re designs and images from Wikipedia Commons!

Wilma's Tips for the Self Design of Boxer Shorts

Keep it Simple
Do not make your design too intricate as this will be too much for onlookers to take in. Keep messages short and to the point and limit your colour palette to two colours with a maximum of three. Remember, you are designing pants not a ceiling for a Rococo palace!

Do Not Personalise
Boxers declaring that the "property contained herein belongs to Candice-Marie "(or the name of an another individual) might be an expensive mistake. Once Candice-Marie (or the person whoever named) has packed the owner in (i.e. finished with him) these boxers become obsolete. The material they are made of are rarely good enough to be cut up for dusters and, anyway, who would want to be reminded of a failed relationship when cleaning?

Failing to Live Up to Expectations - Avoid this Scenario
Although size is unimportant, the depiction of a huge snake or massive one eyed monster on your boxers will have that special person expecting something enormous. Failing to live up to these expectations might cause upset.

ALSO READ Wobble Your Fat Away!

UK and USA Women Wobbling their Fat Away

2010-10-10T07:30:00.001+01:00

and USA Women Wobbling their Fat Away

It started in the UK but it soon spread to the USA. It started with women and their friends reading a comic article with a serious message. The article it all started with was Wobble Your Fat Away!. Wobble Your Fat Away! is an article which has changed thousands of women’s lives and for the better!

Wobble Your Fat Away! is about Wilma Proops and her fight and victory over being a fat, depressed woman, unmotivated, overworked and whose only friend was a family size Tiramisu! Wilma Proops believes that, if her daughter hadn’t bought a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine and she hadn’t stood on it for the first time to make her daughter laugh, she’d be dead or very, very, very fat now. As it was, she was only very, very fat when she first stood on the Vibration Plate Exercise Machine.

Nowadays Wilma is slim, well toned, healthier, happier, works less, makes more and loves life. The transformation started with ten minutes every other day with her first Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. Read about how it started for Wilma Proops and have a laugh too CLICK to read Wobble Your Fat Away! NOW!

Wilma Proops Promotes Digital Breathalysers

2010-10-09T16:26:00.000+01:00

Mommy's Little Helpers or Why You Should Buy a Digital Breathalyser and Check Your Blood Alcohol Level

If only I had got my hands on one of these digital breathalysers in the past! One stashed in my handbag would have come in handy, I can tell you! Imagine, blowing into one and being told - in no uncertain terms - that "Wilma, you've had more than enough". I'm sure this digital message would have exacated me from hundreds of drunken episodes in my life.

The Bare Bum Scandal

If I had owned a digital breathalyser the night I tried to advise David Blane (or is it Blaine? I forget) that he was a stupid w****r when he was living in that Perspex box, hosited like a petard above the River Thames in London, I'm sure I would have postponed my climb and wouldn't have fallen, exposed my arse, its tattoo and allowed it to be featured on the front pages of the world's gutter press.

The Sausage Under the Table Sausage

If only I could have checked my alcohol levels I wouldn't have beed convinced to eat a sausage under the table at the W.A.N.C.S. award ceremony, or at least I wouldn't have mistaken that ****.

My Advice to You My Reader

If you cannot become an abstainer like me and never drink another drop (perhaps until Christmas) then get yourself a digital breathalyser and keep in in your handbag, glove compartment or somewhere handy, at all times

Women Discover a New Way to Lose Weight and it All Starts with a Good Laugh

2010-10-03T15:34:00.001+01:00

Women Discover a New Way to Lose Weight and it All Starts with a Good Laugh

This is for all women but particularly for those who are in the same downward spiral in which Wilma Proops once found herself. This spiral is characterised by a sedentary working life, sat in front of a computer. Accompanying this is slow but sure weight gain which is not helped by the only thing you have in life (during this downward spiral) food and plenty of it!

How Wilma Proops got off the Downward Spiral with a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Just exactly how Wilma Proops managed to escape from this downward spiral which was making her fat is detailed in the article Wobble Your Fat Away!. It was Wilma’s daughter who bought the first Vibration Plate Exercise Machine Wilma ever owned and it was only to make her daughter laugh that Wilma first stood on it. Reading Wobble Your Fat Away! should put a smile on your face but it could also inspire you to follow Wilma's example and change your life for the better from thereon.

CLICK HERE to read Wobble Your Fat Away!

How Women are Having Fun AND Reducing their Body Fat

2010-09-27T07:54:00.003+01:00

How Women are Having Fun AND Reducing their Body Fat

Women throughout the world have read Wobble Your Fat Away! by Wilma Proops and it has changed their lives. Wobble Your Fat Away is funny, free and offers a solution to women who have found no other way to lose weight. At the same time, it has offered a solution to women (and men) who because they are disabled cannot exercise.

Wobble Your Fat! Away describes Wilma’s experience with a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. The Exercise machine was bought by her daughter and, the first time Wilma stood and then sat on the Vibration Plate, she only did so to make her daughter laugh. But Wilma discovered that just standing on the plate for ten minutes every other day worked to change her life.

"I was fat, tired and always sat working. I became slim, toned and with a zest for life I thought I’d never have again. I still work but less hours and make more money. It is all about attitude and mindset and when you return to good health from bad this comes naturally" said Wilma Proops recently. Click on the title link to read Wobble Your Fat Away!

The Easiest Exercise Ever Invented

2010-09-20T07:30:00.003+01:00

Read Wilma's Advice, Including the Easiest Exercise Ever Invented Below this Letter from a Slob

Dear Wilma,

I admit I'm a slob. I don't exercise and spend as much time as humanly possible sitting down or, better still, lying down. I know this is not good for me but the problem is I enjoy being still, sleeping and watching television.

I have a brilliant diet plan too. I eat what I like, when I like and in huge quantities. My favourite food is delivered to my door on a thrice daily basis. Pizza for breakfast, curry for lunch and the same again or a Chinese or Mexican meal for dinner.

Help me if you can

Yours truly

Simon Slob

Wilma Proops Replies to Simon Slob

Dear Simon,

Don't call yourself a slob. You are a victim of the modern lifestyle. I'd wager any amount that you work hard and put the well being of others in front of your own. Work makes you feel tired and so all you can do when (and maybe if) you come home is slob out. The thing is Simon, I was once like you are now. I'm not any more but only because of a fluke and wanting to make my daughter laugh and continue to laugh. My secret, which most people who visit this website discover is a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. Standing on it gives the easiest exercise in the world.

I recount how I discovered Vibration Plate Exercise in my infamous article Wobble Your Fat Away! Please read it and let me know (if you buy a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine) how you get on. Leave a comment underneath to inspire others. Click on the title to read Wobble Your Fat Away and perhaps change your life for the better too!

Celebrity Labiaplasty | The Tell Tale Signs

2010-09-17T18:10:00.015+01:00

Celebrity Labiaplasty | The Tell Tale Signs

Call it what you will – Vaginaplasty, Labia or Labioplasty – the fact is that this Cosmetic Surgical Procedure is becoming more and more popular. Of course, it is female celebrities who are offering themselves up as pioneers on the vaginal surgical front. Stars from Sex in the City are suspected of organizing a group discount – or the aforementioned word minus the “u”! Indeed, some Cosmetic Surgeons are devoting their careers to the reformation of celebrity vaginas.

Is it right? Should our cherished celebrity women put their vaginas under the knife or laser? Should their celebrity and non-celebrity partners expect them to go through all the inevitable discomfort which follows this operation? Is this why some female celebrities appear to be walking sideways with small steps as if they were crabs? Is this the tell tale sign we should look out for?

The Male's Role in Labiaplasty | Labioplasty | Vaginaplasty

Men (particularly celebrities) are often behind the decision of their female partners to undergo labioplasty / labiaplasty /vaginaplasty (call it what you will). They decide that a regular vagina will just not do. The most common complaint is that the opening has become too loose. A particularly nasty celebrity man who we cannot name for legal reasons was heard to comment that his partner’s whatsit was "like a bucket!" (Of course he didn’t mention that his do-dar was no bigger than a maggot.)

It is so typical for men to see the problem with what they are putting it in rather than their teeny-weeny member. They neither, when they should, feel bad about using their partner’s opening like you might a railway tunnel – too harshly and too frequently.

The Alternative to Labioplasty | Labiaplasty | Vaginaplasty

Regular exercise can keep the vagina nicely tight. Wilma Proops has been doing vagina sit ups for more than twenty years and her vagina (ask any of her male partners) is the same today as it was before she had any of her twelve children. Also, Wilma suggests that women should not allow their partners to have regular vaginal intercourse. “There are other things they can do” she says “which doesn’t involve the back door or treating their female partners like a ***k pigs”

How Women are Wobbling their Body Fat Away and Dropping Dress Sizes

2010-09-17T14:18:00.000+01:00

How Women are Wobbling their Body Fat Away and Dropping Dress Sizes

Women throughout the world are reducing their unwanted fat en masse after reading an article by Wilma Proops. The article describes how the seemingly tireless and very good looking Wilma Proops was actually, once upon a time “busy, tired, ugly and extremely fat”. However, all that changed when Wilma’s daughter bought a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine.

From that day onward, without much effort at all, Wilma started to reduce the amount of body fat she was carrying, build muscle tone and increase her lust for life. The woman she had become, sat in front of her computer, attempting to make enough money to support her daughter and herself with no help from a man, was growing fatter and unhealthier by the day. All that was about to change thanks to the technology employed by Vibration Plate Exercise Machines and Wilma's every other day use of it...

Read the article and perhaps you too will start to decrease your waistline. Perhaps you too will rediscover your lust for life and change your ways for the better. Since wobbling her fat away Wilma Proops has taken up other exercise, power walking and swimming, enjoys a social life and has time to do the things she enjoys. She is working less but making more money! CLICK HERE to read Wobble Your Fat Away!

Wobble Your Fat Away!

2010-03-28T23:44:00.005+01:00

Wobble Your Fat Away!

PART 2

Wilma's Secret Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Read the Hilarious PART 1 Click Here

Feel the Wobbling Burn!

I had a strange ache in my calves, thighs and buttocks when I opened the leaflet and started reading. Within five minutes I discovered that the ache was due to the work out I’d given my muscles on the Fat Wobbler. That wasn’t the only thing I discovered about The Fat Wobbler/Vibration machine over the course of the next day.

Image via Wikipedia

What I discovered about Vibration Technology

The Vibration Machine was the latest technological breakthrough in exercise and health. The original idea came via Russian space technology. It had been faced with the problem of exercise in a very confined space for their cosmonauts. After proving to be effective for cosmonauts, the technology was picked up by the Russian sports industry. The latter, were confident that their technique gave them an edge over their competition. Since then, it has been discovered that the Vibration Method is not only a valuable form of exercise for the already super-fit. The technology offers a safe form of exercise for the over-weight and to people unable to partake of exercise.

The Perfect Solution for Fatties!

It turned out that my daughter had found out about Vibration Technology and decided that a Vibration Machine would be good for me. She’d noticed how I stayed for hours in front of my computer – working 12-16 hours per day and neglecting myself – since I started working for myself. I’d noticed my weight pile on but with work I never had the time to be completely depressed about it. I put it down to my age – it was my time to get fat.

Vibration Technology Changed My Life!

My Fat Wobbler has changed my life. My belly is a stomach again and my love-handles shook until they disappeared. I didn’t intend to cut down eating my treats but I did naturally. I didn’t intend to spend more time indulging myself in other ways – new clothes, beauty treatments and exotic fruits but I did. I’m convinced that my Fat Wobbler triggered these reactions and is the main reason I am unable to make my daughter laugh when I’m on it.

Recommendation

I can recommend you buy yourself a Vibration Machine one hundred percent. Even if you just stood on it for ten minutes every other day you’d notice a change within 10 days. And there so easy to use. While I have been writing this I’ve sat with my feet on the vibrating platform for the last few minutes. I can do the same while I’m watching television. In this and similar ways I can almost effortlessly work on toning my muscles in different regions.

Happy Ever After

Even people like Kylie Minogue, Madonna, me and you can benefit from Vibration Machines and this incredible technology.

I Hate My Boss - What Should I Do?

2010-03-28T23:09:00.003+01:00

How to Deal with Stupid and/or Inadequate Bosses

Dear Readers,

My postbag often contains letters from employees who are having to deal with stupid and inadequate bosses. For some reason I have had a spate of these from employees of British Airways (BA) who seem desperate for my help. I have given the matter much thought and am penning this promptly so please excuse the typos and any mistakes.

Dealing with Stupid Bosses

Stupid bosses, let's be honest, are often in their positions of power because of privilege and not merit. For examples: their Daddy has bought them the business or their Mommy has had some secret liaison (one the gutter press would profit from knowing) to get their daughter or son the boss's position. Because of this whatever the stupid boss does, no matter how stupid, unjust or s/he will never be removed from their position of power over you unless something happens to destroy their unfair advantage. Worse still, the fact is that while this advantage is with your boss you'll be blamed for any shortcomings or discrepancies and they'll be praised for your initiatives and good performance.

Don't Despair

Don't despair! Instead learn to turn the tables, find their weak spots (remember Achilles) play them and nbide your time before you tell them where to go and move on. Under no circumstances should you become a snivelling sycophant and you should not expect your stupid boss to change. You need to get away from them as soon as possible. You really don't want to waste any more of your working life in their presence. Stupid bosses will ruin everything for themselves eventually because they have great but misplaced confidence in their own ability but this can takes years.

You might get lucky, your boss's Daddy may abandon your boss when he (your boss's Daddy) hooks up with a replacement wife or when your boss's Mommy dies and takes her tardy secrets to the grave. These sort of developments remove your boss's safety net and protection. Other events that could remove it are your boss's Daddy's expulsion from his Society or Lodge or when his Mommy's diary finds its way into the hands of a gutter press hack... but you can't count on that. Get away from your stupid boss as soon as possible - often a salary decrease or even Income Support or Social Security is a better alternative to spending your working days with a stupid boss. Tell them to F off!

Dealing with Inadequate Bosses

Inadequate bosses are bad because all their pathetic efforts aim to mask their inadequacy. That's why they treat their employees like shite. If you study them and work out the basis of their inadequacies you should be able to do for them.

Tips for Finding Inadequacies in Bosses

Inadequacy in male bosses is often founded upon sad sex lives - typically they drive sporty cars at high speeds believing that this behaviour will disguise their small endowments in much the same way as the stuffed sock they pack into their padded Y Fronts. Inadequacy in female bosses although relatively rare is usually based on their lowly self-image and lack of confidence when relating to their peers. The clever employee leaves them in no doubt that they will expose their bosses inadequacies and this, for want of a better expression, has them wind their necks in.

Legal Proceedings Against Stupid and Inadequate Bosses

If you are fortunate enough to live in a country where employees have rights both stupid and inadequate bosses will give you grounds to take them to a tribunal and take them to the cleaners. So, if you are unable to tell them to F off start to collect your evidence. Remember, the more evidence the better as this can help with out of court settlements.

How to Resist the Urge to Have Sex

2010-03-18T13:56:00.001Z

Welcome to the Comedy Problem Page where "many a true word is spoken in jest"

Wilma Proops Helps a Poor Woman Resist the Urge to Have Sex... or Does She?

Dear Wilma,

Last week I went to stay in London. I have an ex boyfriend who lives nearby and was very tempted to call him, lure him to my hotel and instigate sex with him. I wanted to call him so much that, in the end, it seemed to hurt me physically. I really couldn't keep my mind on the work I was in London to do - so much so that it was a waste of effort.

It has been years since I've seen him but I can't get him out of my mind. I don't know why but I'm totally turned on by him. When we did have sex it was the best ever. I really didn't think sex could be as good as that. It wasn't only the sex but everything. We really seemed to make each other happy. What's he got that other men haven't? He's not even good-looking and can be a real prat at times.

We've stayed in touch, he has said he wants to come up and see me on several occasions and every year, without fail, he calls me after his works Christmas Party (when he's drunk) and almost admits he wants to start seeing me again. There have been other times too when he's called or texted me and it has been very obvious that he's not over me either.

Meanwhile he is now "seeing someone" and that is "quite sh*t" as he puts it. Meanwhile also I've dated a few men but just can't stand the thought of seeing them any more and have never desired them sexually. I'd rather be single and celibate.

Please advise me how to cope better with this situation. I have to got to London a couple of times more this year at least and I don't want my needs to get the better of me. Please help.

Katarina de Orgasmo, Birmingham (not her real name)

Cold Showers or Go For It?

Wilma Replies

Dear Katarina

Oh dear! Oh dear, oh dear, oh DEAR! What we have here, with you and that man, is a sad and ridiculous state of affairs. This is a chemical reaction which has been suppressed with a ton of snow which has acted like an ice age. You are right, he is a prat, the type who will cut his nose off to spite his face, shoot himself in the foot and accept second and even third "quite sh*t" best. He has issues. So do you.

You really need to get him out of your mind or get him out of your system. To do this you must risk complete rejection. You must call him next time you are in London, lure him to your hotel room and do the business. For all you know you might not feel the same about him when you actually meet - this may have (subconsciously) kept you both apart.

Don't be put off by studies which show that nobody talks the truth when under the influence of alcohol. Alcohol is the truth drug. Yes alcohol causes many embarrassing incidents (I know this to my own cost) but it also gives people the courage they lack to say what they think. Alcohol also unleashed desires and needs which modern people are apt to ignore. It sounds to me like this explains that man's behaviour.

If you don't do as I suggest and continue this sad and ridiculous affair you will both be damaged and perhaps never realise the potential in your lives. He'll probably become tied down in a relationship which will eventually end in disaster and his loneliness and you'll probably survive quite well as a single celibate (unless you go the second best route which I doubt).

The Best Way to Resist the Urge to Have Sex

If you decide to reject my advice, the best way to resist the urge to have sex is a cold shower.

Kindest regards

Wilma Proops

Genius Marketing Ploy Needed

2010-02-26T17:35:00.003Z

A Reader Writes:

Dear Wilma Proops,

My friend is very talented but cannot break into the music scene. He doesn’t want to audition for X Factor or any sh*te Simon Cowell shows and he knows nobody in the industry. What should he do?

Martin, California

Wilma Replies:

Dear Martin,

I listened to the tape you sent and can concur that your friend is very talented both as a musician and a wordsmith. I am therefore going to let you in on a magnificent marketing strategy I learnt from reading The Art of War.

Oh, I see you or he has already used the method and done so extremely well...

Problem Gas Emmision

2010-02-26T17:29:00.000Z

A Client Writes:

Dear Wilma Proops,

This is an extremely delicate problem although, when it thunders it is extremely indelicate and, perhaps even violent. Indeed my problem is quite brutal in its assaults of the senses of smell and reaction to grossness. I cannot stoop to state the true nature of my problem but I ask that you, dear lady, to understand what it is. Also, if I am forced to stoop I fear I might let one off and, as I write this from Heathrow’s First Class Lounge, that would be completely disastrous.

Sir Ivor Dunanother

Address withheld

Wilma Proops Replies:

Dear Ivor,

Become prepared as I will speak the name of your problem in a short while. Before I do that however, I will prepare you with evidence that your problem is quite common. Although, I am not suggesting that you and the others get together, I’d not enjoy having my name associated with the outcome of such a meeting, proof that you are nor alone may offer some consolation.

A friend of mine once wrote a short article on Xomba. It was entitled Cure Your Farting Problem or that of Your Partner | Fart Medicine and published in November 2008. Since its publication it has had almost 1,329 readers. This means that 1, 2 and sometimes more people have sort out the article since it was written. This suggests that they or their partners have the same problem as you.

Ivor, remember the words to the rhyme I have quoted elsewhere on my site:

Where e’re you be

Let a fart go free

To ‘twere a want of a fart

That killed poor me

and set forth your fellows. As you do, remind yourself that you are their creator. If you don’t want to be a creator anymore I suggest you look to your cabbage and bean rich diet and opt for less gaseous alternatives. Otherwise, Ivor, please shut the ***k up and never write to me again.

Selling Your Soul to PlentyOfFish.com | Vibration Plate Exercise Machines for Fatties

2010-02-21T22:31:00.000Z

A Reader Writes:

Dear Wilma Proops

I am thinking about joining the FREE dating site PlentyOfFish. Is this a good idea? Is there anything I should consider before supplying the site with all my personal details

Yours truly

Alan of Croydon

Wilma Replies:

Dear Alan,

Nothing is free in life. There is always a price to pay even if it is hidden. This brings me neatly to PlentyOfFish.com the (so called) FREE dating site.

PlentyOfFish sells its data to third parties who want to target you because of the profile you supply them when you fill in their questionnaire about yourself and your perfect partner. You tell them where you live, your profession, your income bracket, your age and even if you are overweight.

This sort of information is Gold to advertisers. Consider this:

Wilma's Example POF for Advertisers

I am an advertiser and I want to buy advertising space that fat people are going to see. I’ve a new Vibration Plate Exercise Machine to sell them. If I can buy this space, fat people throughout the world, will see my advert and thin people (who are unlikely to buy my special offer Vibration Plate Machine) will not. This will be far more effective for me than indiscriminate space. Hey Presto! I’m selling more Vibration Plate Exercise Machines.

This is the general theory behind PlentyOfFish. It might work to find you a partner (of course you might just meet a lying toad - see below) but you will be selling your soul (sole - tee hee - geddit?) to them but don’t think that the adverts they serve you on their website are not targeted at you because of your age, profession and body type.

The Problem PlentyOfFish May Have Overlooked

Of course, there is one big problem with PlentyOfFish which cost its creator “an absurd amount of money” according to one of it defenders who thinks that spending shed loads of money gives POF the right to be obtrusive and sell your information.

Lying Toad Married Men

Most men on the site are liars! Half of them are really married and looking for a bit on the side. They will lie about their age and location and big up their job title. Even some women might tell the odd porky-pie (lie). They’ll knock a few years off and perhaps a couple of dress sizes too*.

PLEASE NOTE

*This is not my way - I already have a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine and I am no longer a fatty...

Make Sure the Banks Don't Get Away with This Rip Off!

2010-02-19T16:49:00.001Z

Spread the Word | The Great Payment Protection Insurance Scam

Many readers get in touch about their debts and debt collectors while they are laughing in the face of their adversity. I laugh along with them but have been able to tell a few that the banks probably owe them money. Anything I can do to bring the MIS-SOLD PAYMENT PROTECTION INSURANCE SCAM to their attention is reason enough to continue with this website. Read the article below and spread the word - don't let the banks get away with this on top of ruining the world!

Have You Been Ripped Off by the Banks?

Millions of people and hundreds of my readers have been ripped off by Banks and other Financial Institutions (so called) who have mis-sold them Payment Protection Insurance, also known as PPI.

FACT: Often the Payment Protection Insurance does not offer you any protection if you are unlucky enough to fall ill, be involved in an accident or find yourself unemployed. Even if you’ve been paying thousands of pounds a year your PPI could be useless. In this case, you could have kept the money, paid off other debts or even gone on holiday.

FACT: The banks that have sold you PPI in the past should have ensured that the PPI would actually pay you if you became unable to work. If they didn’t you were mis-sold PPI

FACT: If you were self-employed when the Bank sold you PPI it was worthless and you were mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance.

FACT: If the bank did not inform you that you could buy your PPI elsewhere you were mis-sold PPI.

FACT: If the bank intimated that if you didn’t buy PPI from them you wouldn’t ba bale to get the loan (including mortgage and credit cards) you were mis-sold PPI.

FACT: If you were mis-sold PPI on loans, mortgages, credit cards and store cards you can claim 100% of payments plus any accrued interest the payments caused back from the bank or financial institution which sold it to you.

LIKELY: The banks will attempt to shore up this problem. They are likely to attempt to win a statute of limitations. If they do this they’ll be keeping the money they ripped off you.

FACT: Many solicitors offer no win no fee services to people interested in claiming back their mis-sold PPI. Many of these get their fee from the banks if they win. This means you can get all the money which was stolen from you.

How Can I Be Like Kylie Minogue?

2010-02-15T15:48:00.002Z

How to Have the Exercise Regime of Kylie Minogue

Dear Anonymous in Glasgow,

You asked how you can look like Kylie Minogue. The answer is you have to have the same lifestyle and money but (if you don't) there is a cheat to be had with a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine...

Kylie Minoque takes her health seriously especially since recovering from cancer. (She does not lounge around eating fried Mars Bars like my anonymous reader). Health experts reckon, just by looking at her bright eyes, that the star eats healthily and, according to reports, she takes exercise seriously. How can you emulate Kylie’s exercise regime?

Read About the Benefits of Vibration Plate Exercise Machines Below

The simplest way of getting the Kylie look is by copying how the celebrity keeps fit and healthy. A healthy, balanced diet. Cut down or eliminate the bad foods. No butter but olive oil. Only good carbohydrates and none containing refined white flour and sugar. Don’t smoke. Don’t binge drink. Regular exercise and at least eight hours sleep a night.

Easier Said Than Done

More people would have the same exercise regime as Kylie if they had the same lifestyle and money. However, the fact is, we can’t all have this and the great majority of us will never achieve it. Worse, what we do to earn a living actually contributes to our unhealthy states. We are often too tired, too poor and too busy to take steps to become fitter and healthier.

Vibration Plate Exercise Machines

I read somewhere that Kylie uses a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. Sessions on these are available at most gyms and health clubs but Vibration plate exercise Machines can also be bought for home use.

The greatest thing about Vibration Plate Exercise Machines is that they are easily used. There is no preparation, just stand on the Vibration Plate (also know as a platform) for ten minutes every other day and you’ll see the benefits within 30 days. Read more about them in the sales literature of any online advertiser. Prices for Vibration Plate Exercise Machines start at around $300 (£220). Many gyms offer free sessions so try them out before you buy.

How Do You Deal with Immature Men?

2010-02-12T23:50:00.002Z

From time to time I get a spate of letters asking about how to deal with immature men. I've published this article elsewhere but wanted my dear readers here to have easy access to it - so her goes!

How can you deal with immature men? This article sets out to answer this oft asked question

The first thing to remember when dealing with immature men is that they can grow up. This applies to immature men who are young and perhaps have an excuse but also to men who are in their 50s and even older. If you live, work with or are managed by an immature man, before you give up on him or (poor thing you) them, implement some of the tips to see if you can make them less immature or, even better, cure them of their immaturity.

The second thing to remember is that there are some men who will, no matter what, always be immature. That's right, they could live to be 190 and still be immature. If you try out some of the tips below and they are still immature or - please no - they become more immature, our advice is "abandon ship!"

Famous immature men

Image via Wikipedia
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH IMMATURE MEN

Immature Men Learning From Example

You can attempt to teach by example - or sort of. First of all locate a mature man. Once you have located one try and get him to befriend the immature man you are having problems with. Once and if you can accomplish this - and it's not easy - attempt to sew seeds of doubt in the immature man's mind about his immature behaviour. DON'T SAY "I wish you were like him" (the mature man). Instead be more subtle about it. Say things like "Mike (or the name of the mature man you are dealing with) is doing well for himself" or "Mike seems to be a happy/content/fulfilled man". Saying things like this might have your immature man analysing the difference between himself and "Mike". This could lead to him changing his way - fingers crossed!

Mimicry Is Not Flattery

To put this tip into play you must first isolate and identify the immature man's immature behaviours. Then you must make fun of the behaviours by mimicking it. For example if he says things that a petulant child might say, repeat them in a childlike voice. Same with things like foot stamping and sulks exaggerate these when you act them out. If you want to be more extreme carry out this tip in front of his peers. Making a fool of immature men can act as therapy for the darlings.

Reward Mature Behaviour; Punish Bad or Immature Behaviour

This tip was developed using strategies taken from leading dog trainers. This is self explanatory. When the immature man acts in an immature manner punish him. When he acts in a manner which is not immature then you must reward him. Punish by withdrawing his favourite food or bedroom activity. Reward him with his favourite food or bedroom activity.

Trial Separation

This is a drastic move but if the man really has feelings for you it should work. A less severe form is to go away for weekends or even weeks. We could advise that this can lead to different results - for instance he could find another partner. Thing is, if he does or if you do (while you are away or on a trial separation) the relationship could not have been very stable in the first place. Thus you'd probably be better off out of it.
The article concludes below this image of a caterpillar - an immature butterfly - we both know which is the more beautiful!

Image via Wikipedia

If you disagree with the tips above or have other tips which might help those of us suffering the problems inherent with sharing lives with immature men - please add them in the comments section below.