Wilma Proops' Problem Page

Is Tin Tin Better in 3D or 2D?

2012-06-06T23:01:00.000+01:00

Wilma Proops dilemma when deciding to see Tintin in 2D or 3D. Anyone with experience of both and an understanding of living with “mild to medium misanthropist condition” is begged to offer their opinion on the issue and/or offer advice on how to live alongside people with gross habits and/or ignorant ways.

Decide which to see and brush up on your French while you watch this trailer...

"Unfortunately the cinema room, complete with digital projector, state of the art sound and state of the art reclining chairs which afford me the best, incredibly comfortable (especially when heated and on mild massage setting) most central view of the perfect screen is not complete. Thus I have to put up with weekday matinees at my local cinema (albeit a listed building) where the staff are friendly and don’t mutter under their breath “her again”.

Not to worry my local cinema does have luxury seats and it is cheap (especially with my recently acquired discount card), though these are not the prime reasons for this (some would say sad) lonesome activity. Oh my, the problems inherent in existing alongside fellow homo sapiens sapiens when you suffer from mild to medium misanthropist conditions and want to be able to give your chosen movie your undivided attention!

Why oh why did they have to offer me the choice of Tintin in 2D or 3D? The problem is that, although I’d appreciate the mind-blowing sensations of three dimensional involvement with explosions and fast action, these added bonuses may well attract more noisy, fidgeting youngsters who will undoubtedly ruin the experience of watching a film? It is difficult to escape into the screen when the child in the row behind wants to “go to the toilet” or hasn’t a mother who will keep the little critter still and stop kicking my ****ing chair!

Come to think of it the 3D version of Tintin will undoubtedly attract the clientele which I try to avoid on my movie matinee days. I’ll be seeing the nice, quiet flat (2D) version."

Dealing With Men Problems New Website

2012-06-06T22:59:00.000+01:00

A new website devoted to Help with Men is being masterminded. It divides them up into their star sign (Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces) and gives information on how to handle them. CLICK HERE to visit the website which is endorsed by our friend Wilma Proops

Men! Yes, ____________ (fill in the spaces with a word of your choice) men! What is the deal? How come in the twenty-first century we are still being told that:

“You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them”?

Women are no longer like air head Barbies! Image via Wikipedia

Are we all too polite to talk rabbits and (if you want to add another mouth to feed to the world’s overpopulated mess) turkey basters? Are we struck dumb because we can’t state the obvious about the necessity of the three legged ones? Shouldn’t we be teaching our so inclined daughters and gay sons a different version of the boring cliché stated above? Shouldn’t we tell them:

“Men, you can live without them or you can live with them but on your own terms!”

Do you understand the full implications of this statement? Let’s break it into two parts and deal with them separately:

1) You can live without them.

So, this means, you can live in your own perfumed environment without the smell of tobacco breath and the lingering odours from their long occupations of the smallest room in the house. How come they accuse women of nesting and then carry on like that for what seems like hours on end? You don’t have to live with the constant drone of sports on the television – you can sit in your best room listening to music quietly and read a book. You can prepare yourself a salad and not cook greasy dead animals ever again to satisfy their Neanderthal male palette. That dirty computer come games room he insisted on can become a place full of art prints and books. Your bedroom can be your dressing room again (like it was when you were a teenager – before you thought you should live with a man or your life would be incomplete). These are merely a few suggestions.

2) You can live with them on your terms.

Let them stay the occasional night as long as they wine and dine you or buy you the presents you require. Make them adhere to your rules. Before all this marriage cr@p – this is how life was and now we realise that it was all a fix we can be like it again. Visit HELP with Men for more tips.

Make Your Own Nipple Tassels aka Pasties

2012-05-06T23:49:00.002+01:00

NIPPLE TASSELS - This Season's MUST HAVE!

Nipple tassels are a luxury fashion accessory made popular by Burlesque. They cost anything up to £600 per pair in shops. Here's how to make your own for a fraction of the price. Nipple tassels make unusual and excellent gifts. NEW! Also see the article Make Your Own Codpiece by AndAnotherThing!

To make nipple tassels for yourself or as a thoughtful gift for that special recipient, you will need:

Materials

* Double sided tape * Sticking Plasters (large enough to cover the entire nipple area - buy skin coloured or similar on a roll) * Fabric (small off-cuts will do) * Tassels (available from any good haberdashery or craft shop) * Sequins (optional) * Beads (optional)

Method

1. Make the base by cutting four nipple-sized discs from your fabric. Sew two discs together. (You may neaten each with a blanket stitched edge or by sewing front side to front side, reversing discs and invisibly finishing on new front). 2. Attach the tassels by sewing them to the centre of each double disc. 3. You may add sequins and beads to taste. These can be added by sewing them on (recommended) or by gluing them. 4. Cover the back of the disc with double sided tape. Peel off tape just before application.

Fitting Your Nipple Tassels

1. Nipples should be clean and dry. 2. Firstly prepare the nipples to be used by placing a disc of sticking plaster over the nipples. This should be the same size as the nipple tassels. 3. Peel off the backing of the tassels and stick them to the plaster. Press firmly onto each nipple. It is possible to stick the double-sided tape directly onto the nipples but this is not recommended.

Not recommended for swimming.

Also see Make Your Own Codpiece by AndAnotherThing2 coming soon...

Make YOUR Own Codpiece

2012-05-06T23:47:00.000+01:00

Make Your Own Codpiece

Codpieces are no longer the reserve of ultra-fashionable men as ultra-fashionable women are sporting ornamental codpieces with a black pant or colourful codpieces worn casually with jeans. Several fashion houses launched their codpieces - this season’s must have - recently and so far four have been spotted on red carpets at premieres in Hollywood and London. Unfortunately the cost of these items is prohibitive for many – who among our readers could afford over £3.5million for a Damien Hirst, diamond encrusted number?

But don’t despair! AndAnotherThing’s Craft Correspondent (who also wrote the highly popular Make Your Own Nipple Tassels) has been looking at how to make your own codpiece. The following instructions can be followed by men and women who want to stay ahead of the fashion-sheep and sport their own bespoke codpiece. Details continue beneath this message from our illustrious sponsor:

This article was sponsored by Wilma Proops, the infamous Agony Aunt to the stars, major and minor celebrities and "even everyday people like the readers of this article". Find out more about the magnificent Wilma Proops:

Wilma Proops' oft quoted adage about Vibration Plate Exercise Machines:

Ten minutes every other day

Will Wobble Your Fat clean Away

To Read Wobble Your Fat Away CLICK HERE

To Make Your Own Codpiece You Will Need

* 1 woman’s thong

TIPS: Select a thong that fits well and is comfortable. Men should ensure that the thong part is not too tight and buy a thong that covers all. The best thongs for this job are made of robust, non-flimsy material – think big thong!

* 1 remnant of material

TIPS: You needn’t buy this from a fabric shop. Cut your remnant (a small piece of material about 2-3 times bigger than the front section of your thong) from old dresses, curtains or jumble sale/charity shop clothing item. The material you use should be robust.

* 1 bag of stuffing material

TIPS: You can buy stuffing from any good haberdashery shop. An alternative is to use old tights and stockings. Always wash and dry thoroughly the aforesaid and don’t just stuff in whole pairs – cut them into small pieces before ramming them in to the pouch)

* Things to Decorate Your Codpiece with:

TIPS: Beads and sequins look good as they cast shafts of light from the codpiece. If you stick on rather than sew on you can use all manner of decorative items. A friend of mine used expired vitamin pills – but please be responsible and stick them on with good quality glue. Also use foil and glittery pipe cleaners to add pizzazz. I like to use embroidery silks to decorate mine and I select the colours to contrast with the background colour.

* Other things you will need:

Good dressmaking scissors, needles and thread, strong glue.

WARNING: Ensure your glue is dry before trying on your codpiece – this is especially good advice for men making their own codpiece.

Method to Make Your Own Codpiece

* Take you remnant and cut out a triangular shape 2-3 times bigger than the triangle of the thong you are using as your codpiece base.

TIPS: The rule is the bigger the codpiece required the bigger the triangle needed. It is possible to make the triangle up to five times the size of the thong triangle but any bigger tends to look ridiculous.

* Sew the triangular remnant to the base, neatly, remembering to leave a 5cm gap to use for when you stuff your codpiece.

TIPS: The gathered edged can be neatened with a binding – this can either match or contrast with the fabric you have chosen.

* Stuff your codpiece then sew up the hole left for stuffing purposes.

TIP: Ensure your codpiece is tightly stuffed as saggy codpieces are often derided. A derided codpiece is difficult to recover from - especially for some men - mentioning no names Alan M

* Decorate your codpiece

Let yourself go and let your creative juices flow! Add sequins, beads, embroidered stitches, using a needle and thread or (using strong glue) stick on the bits you’ve collected for decoration.

TIP: I pretend I’m on operation Dazzle when I work on decorating my codpieces – it works for me!

TIP: See the AndAnotherThing2 article about making your own nipple tassels. Make and wear a codpiece with nipple tassels to make a very bold fashion statement!!

Wilma Proops' oft quoted adage about Vibration Plate Exercise Machines:

Ten minutes every other day

Will Wobble Your Fat clean Away

To Read Wobble Your Fat Away CLICK HERE

Sex on a Beach Never a Good Idea

2012-05-06T23:22:00.001+01:00

By our Agony Aunt specialising in all sorts of dysfunctions Wilma Proops

He was (possibly still is) a company director and she was (she has since been sacked) a non-taxpaying executive. Michelle Palmer, 36, of Oakham, Rutland, England and Vince Acors, 34, of Bromley, London England met at a pool party and were drinking champagne all day. Their fondness for each other grew and, as some people are likely to do, they retired to a public beach for sexual intercourse on a sun lounger.

Image via Wikipedia Irish Setters tend to jump on and bark at anyone making love in public... this can be very embarrassing for their owners… let me assure you.

Acting like a pair of slags in public is, in the opinion of the writer, not on. It embarrasses anyone who might be passing and, if that passer-by has a mischievous Irish Red Setter off its leash it is even more embarrassing for the dog owner who has to retrieve the barking-mad playfully-attacking dog from on top of the two-backed monster (so to speak). Get a room and analyse your feelings of inadequacy. Digression over!

Acting like the same slags in Dubai is symptomatic of a pair of exhibitionist idiots. This is Dubai where married couples are not allowed, under its laws, to kiss in the street. So, after their prosecution they have been jailed for three months each... It might sound harsh but this is relatively lucky for them as the maximum sentence for this particular offence is ten years.

Of course, there will be some recompense for the couple once they have finished their sentences and are deported. Don’t the media just love this sort of real life story? With the right adviser – someone like a Max Clifford – they should be able to sell their tale of sex and woe to the gutter press

Blackberry Renamed Bumberry

2012-05-06T23:20:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, the teenagers’, Sir Alan Sugar’s and Alistair Campbell (spin doctor not the one who exited the band UB40 and gave that embarrassing interview)’s favouritesmartphone has been down for 48 hours. 48 hours without contact! 48 hours without being able to update their status via their tool of choice! It is literally the end of the world as they know it as thousands of them nest on their toilet of choice without recourse to their Bumberry buttons.

Image via Wikipedia

Things were weird enough but then someone with the surname Bates spoke from the headquarters of Rim and the thought occurs that fact is stranger (make that much, much, mucho, mas more stranger) than fiction and, if there’s a comedian out there who is looking for the raw material for crude double entendre, then Bates Rim has got to be up there and by “up there” I don’t mean “up there” – say no more, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

What Now For Bumberry Bates and Rim?

Amazon Android and Apple iPhone have overtaken the BumBerry already. Will the aforementioned bored toilet sitters switch? Is it a case of too far in or too far under the rim to pull out? Can people do without emails and conference outage? Can they ever recover from unscheduled BumBerry cold turkey? Let me tell you.

Nobody Arsed with Bumberry Outage apart from Would-be Rioters

Unexpectedly something more sinister has occurred to the writer of this content mid-flow. Remember August 2011? You would if you were living in Eng-ga-land then because that was the time when there were riots and, (guess what?) the riots were reported to have been coordinated by the smartphone of choice – the BlackBerry (aka the recently renamed BumBerry).

Tory Totalitarian Ideas

On hearing that the BlackBerry was being used to plan riots in August the chinless wonders in charge in the UK voiced ideas about closing down the network to scupper the rioters. Are BumBerry in bed or up to the rim with the Torries? Has an experiment to cowtow to Tories brought about an outage from Rim? Was that one double entendre too far? Are you arsed (so to speak) or could you be arsed (so to speak)?

Jesus Christ Barack Obama

2012-05-06T23:17:00.000+01:00

Another Informed Piece of Political Rhetoric by Wilma Proops.

Jesus Christ is left of Barack Obama when you think about it, which is, if indeed you can think about these things, not difficult to achieve. Why could this claim be unexpected (unless you are completely ignorant)? How could it be shocking (if you consider what is acceptable)?

We live in a time when world bank CEOs (that’s Chief Executive Officers if you’ve never had the wherewithal or ever bothered to get with the initials, jargon and abreeves (geddit – an abreev is an abbreviation of abbreviation) which make up modern Business Speak) take time off for stress. Just put your mind to coming up with ways to earn £1 per day from each of your 4.5 million customers. Now spend time contemplating who and what not to give a loan. Pretty stressful eh?

Imagine if you (note how I’ve underlined the YOU word and supplied a link to my website just in case you want to click on it) were making $5 million a year plus a 75% of salary bonus and an additional $250,000k per year in your retirement pot – no matter how long you live in exquisite luxury - but you never had time to spend any of that beautiful filthy lucre. Imagine having no alternative to hoarding your gotten gains – how stressful would either of those scenarios be? Now imagine them both – and now imagine both but at the same time! You’d surely be calling in sick too.

You think you’ve got it bad? There’s a FA (that’s Financial Adviser to you without the wherewithal outlined above) who was asked to explain why a miner earned less per ton he mined than some @wipe sat in front of a computer screen with a sore nose supping champers. Other questions thrown in were: Why did the @wipe keep nipping to the bathroom? Why did his septum plop out and what qualified the @wipe to gamble with other people’s livelihoods with less concern than someone battling imaginary aliens on an Xbox? How could you expect a humble FA to know the answers? Which brings us virtually incongruously back to Jesus Christ and Barack Obama but more specifically to this joke published by 22 Words on Facebook:

Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war Socialist who gives away free healthcare… You’re thinking of Jesus.

llustrations above1) The oldest surviving panel icon depiction of Jesus Christ image via Wikipedia. 2) Barack Hussein Obama the 44th President of the United States of America who has not yet fully addressed the problem of the 1% image via Wikipedia.

Stephanie Powers was My Patron

2012-05-06T22:56:00.000+01:00

Yes, you heard, Stefanie Powers was my patron. She was appearing in a BBC dramaand came to see a show the production company I was working with was putting on in a local pub theatre. I think it was Monomania II but the production company was Dragon’s Tail Productions – so named because a rather inadequate man once said of us (we were – still are - three female writers) that he thought he had “the dragon by the tail”. Ofcourse the ****er didn’t at all. That’s why we stopped working with him and instead made our own production company.

On the evening of the show at the Old Joint Stock in Birmingham (England) Lowri Turner (a now mostly forgotten TV presenter) was in the pub and there was much nudging and winking and “oh it’s that woman from the tele” comments being made. But then in walked Stafanie Powers and Ms Bit Part was eclipsed – big time.

Stefanie Powers! Yes, Stephanie Powers! So many of the men in the bar were gobsmacked when they saw her or was it some other phenomena on display?. Talk about glamorous. There was a lot of remembering her on Hart to Hart and how they’d known her… very well. Of course, that was in the days when boys (source Dylan Thomas Under Milk Wood) were locked in dark cupboards and made to eat sennapods for such rhythmic behaviour. But it wasn’t her glamour which struck me it was more her dirty laugh at my comedy and the tears which rolled down her face. Stefanie Powers!

It was a good night – well magic actually. The Birmingham Post critic turned up and was to write the first of many excellent reviews of our work. The pretentious *** I based one of the monologues turned up downstairs and tried to hijack the critic for his own arty endeavours but was given no truck. In fact the critic accused him of being the character on stage… which he was… which was like I said magic! It made me spit my drink out – proof if you needed it that this mumbo-jumbo does work.

To top it all one of our number (not me) approached Stefanie Powers and asked her to be our patron… and Stefanie (note use of first name term) agreed. This was the breakthrough we needed. Stefanie gave her private contact details to my associate writer/friend and we had a drink to celebrate… maybe more.

How did it end? What fame and fortune followed? None, nada, zilch, nil, nothing – not an iota. My friend (calls herself a friend) lost the details.

People Write and Publish Cack Online

2012-05-06T22:54:00.001+01:00

I’ve been working on the Astrological chart of a serial killer to appear on one of the websites in the HELP with Men! stable. It is making me sick to the stomach but the sites need some content with gravitas in order for them attract a wider audience and demographics with more expendable income. Besides, all this what makes a so and so man fall in love, how to attract them, keep them happy, make them yours can sometimes spill over into real life and threatens to make me start being civil to that man I like to ignore – tee hee – you have to laugh.

The article published about the death of Marvin Gaye on HELP with Aries Men! seems to attract readers who would not necessarily come to an Astrology site. The serial killer article I’m working on will be posted on HELP with Scorpio Men! (This is not to say that all Scorpio men are like this one - that would be like saying all Taurus men are like Hitler - and the fact that the world hasn't been taken over by a Hitleresque tyrant who happened to have his sun in Taurus when he was born disproves the fascist tendencies of Taurus men...so far.)

Writing anything – even social bookmarks – has an effect on writers who write from their own perspective and refuse to take the path that is so well trodden it has turned into a ravine, thousands of feet below sea level. What is the point of writing (actually rewriting or worse still spinning) crap like that? Precisely. None whatsoever…it’s just a pity some “authors” (and I use the term lightly and add this aside to be rude to them) are so far up the place where the sun don’t shine, to realise this… Either that or they couldn’t give or are unable to give a dam.

What has inspired me to contribute to the HELP with Men! websites (apart from the fee) is that they are as unlike the pants published by the likes of Russell Grant – who should be renamed Russell Pants. Russell Pants just gushes any old **** that comes into his amoeba sized brain and, without being rude to amoeba, is even more boring than our single celled friends.

5 Top Reasons to Stop Smoking

2012-05-06T22:47:00.000+01:00

Nicotine is the most addictive drug in the world. Cigarettes are “nicotine delivery systems” in the same way that intravenous injections are “heroin delivery systems” and rolled up bank notes are “cocaine delivery systems”. In fact, the manufacturers and touts of cigarettes are no better than street corner crack dealers. They make their money the same way by keeping you addicted – that’s just their job.

In the UK there is still a huge campaign to stop people smoking. For example, Champix, a drug prescribed by National Health Service General Practitioners is free to smokers wanting to stop and works on the most hardened smokers.

This article was inspired by M J Dakota but is dedicated to the memory of a one time colleague who smoked counterfeit cigarettes (because they were cheap) and died of lung cancer at the age of 42. She left behind a young daughter and a husband who was her lifetime sweetheart. Both husband and daughter were devasted by their loss.

As always I owe a huge debt to my mentor Wilma Proops

Image via Wikipedia

Lung Cancer a Side Effect of Smoking Cigarettes

1. STOP SMOKING to Stay Healthy | Avoid Death by Smoking

If you stop smoking you can avoid a painful death. Smoking causes lung cancer, cancer of the mouth and throat cancer. All offer malingering, unpleasant deaths which are hard to endure for the victim and their family. Sigmund Freud committed suicide because he had mouth cancer caused from smoking. It really is that bad.

Smoking also causes an increase in colds and – perhaps the most unpleasant sideeffect – an increase in phlegm. Yuk. There is nothing worse than listening to a smoker churn their phlegm. Phlegm is repulsive and disgusting.

Don’t forget that if you smoke by a child that you will start turning their pink lungs into black tarred lungs and you will reduce their life chances with your passive smoking.

2. STOP SMOKING to Avoid Poverty | Stop Giving Your Money to Drug Dealers

Cigarettes in the UK now cost more than £6 per packet. This is incidentally more than the National Minimum Wage for an hour’s work. Cigarette manufacturers want their followers (aka addicts) to smoke a packet a day. A packet a day equates to £42 per week. If, as the manufacturers want and pray you do, you were to smoke for your entire adult life this will equate to at least £87,000 (if you live 40 years of adult life before the cigarettes kill you) or £43,680 if you only smoke for 20 years.

Imagine what good you could do with all that money! If you stop a 20 a packet day in the current economic climate you could avoid the effects of inflation.

3. STOP SMOKING to Recover Your Sense of Smell

If you stop smoking you will soon start to smell the world again. Smoking masks good smells and bad by infiltrating the smoker’s world. Some will take feeble measures to avoid smelling like an ashtray but these don’t actually work. When you stop smoking you will detect smokers by their rank aroma. Washing your hair daily, showering twice a day and using expensive perfume won’t fool a non-smoker.

Stop smoking and you won’t have to wash your hair daily and that expensive French perfume you love so much will pervade your environs not the smell of an ashtray. Kissing is so much better between non-smokers too but let’s not go down that route.

4. STOP SMOKING and Start Living

It is not immediate but it does happen. You stop smoking and one day, suddenly, you feel alive. You start walking for miles, swimming for hours and tasting food and it is wonderful. It is as though all your senses have been invigorated.

5. STOP SMOKING and Start Protesting

Smoking can calm your inner protester. Smoking makes you complacent. Smokers can’t be arsed to demonstrate and if they can they have to break off for a cigarette. Smokers’ complacency all others, governments and corporations to get away with murder – literally. By STOPPING SMOKING you become angry again and you stand up for your rights and those of others.

Start by directing your anger at the cigarette manufacturers who have lied for years and told you that nicotine is not addictive. The best way to get at them – apart from depriving them of your hard earned cash – is to protest about them and call them what they are DRUG DEALERS at every opportunity and do something to coax others into STOPPING SMOKING too.

Tell smokers they smell. Tell them their phlegm churning makes you feel sick and prove to them that they’d be better off if they STOPPED SMOKING.

Penis Tattoos

2012-04-06T15:07:00.001+01:00

An Article Sponsored by Wilma Proops

Wilma Proops has devoted her life to the study of tattoos, giving a proportion of her own time freely to offer talks about tattoos and carry out more research into the phenomenon. She does this in an attempt to dissuade people from having their first or another "grotesque tattoo".
Wilma strongly believes that tattoos in European culture are "self-harming by another name". Read The Truth About Tattoos (Wilma's famous survey) HERE
That said, Wilma is nowadays promoting Penis Tattoos:

“Being attracted to the penis doesn’t mean that I believe the penis to be aesthetically pleasing” Wilma said in an attempt to explain her apparent hypocrisy.

“I’ve noticed that penises with tattoos are far better looking than those which remain plain. Among my favourites” she continued “are ones tattooed to look like Corinthian columns and those made to look like a trellis of exotic blooms”

The One Eyed Monster
Wilma’s all time favourite Penis Tattoo was of Cyclops the one eyed monster “it made excellent use of its canvas” said the world famous Agony Aunt to the Stars.
If you've read thus far, you probably want to know:
Just How Are Penises Tattooed?
Find out below:

Given the changes one can envisage taking place during the tattooing process we were interested to see how Penis Tattoo artists coped with shrinkage and expansion. Wilma said she wasn’t sure how they worked but suspected that tattooists employed stretching devices. Such devices or Viagra and other medicines which assist in the maintenance of the size of the working surface.
Other articles by AndAnotherThing2

Most Recent History Article is The Murder of Vincent Van Gogh
Popular History Articles include: A Black African Slave Child in the Seventeenth Century; The First Married Gay Bishops; The Stolen Relics of Jesus Christ and Mary; and His Stories of Her Part 1
Popular Histories for Children include the Weird Histories series, see for example: Number 8 The History of Bum Wiping and Number 6 Medieval Toilet Behaviour
AAT2's most popular Comedy Articles are Wobble Your Fat Away, Codpieces for Sale, Penis Tattoos, and the charming Are Farts Funny?

The Best Diet of 2012 | Best Diet of 2011 and 2010

2012-04-06T14:58:00.000+01:00

The new diets (relatively new anyway) are low carb (carbohydrates), low fat and low sugar. Withdraw all three from your daily diets and you could feel lethargic, tired and probably uninspired – just exactly what you don’t want to feel like if you’re struggling to maintain your finances and, if you actually want to improve your lot (or those of others) this year this then this regime might well stunt you.

Then there’s the question of exercise. You must do at least 30 minutes cardio-vascular every other day. And so, if the removal of nutriments don’t turn you into an involuntary couch-potato this last stricture will. But, is there a sensible way? Yes, there is!

Sensible Exercise

Read Wilma Proops’s famous and inspirational essay on this and learn how to slowly introduce exercise and transform yourself into the fit person you want to be. IT WORKED FOR WILMA PROOPS! Click Here to read it now!

Sensible Low Carbs

Cut out processed muck carbs. Bread which is just white sponge with little taste should be the first thing to be excluded from any diet. This food type was invented by capitalists with no thought of your health just the maximisation of profit. Also take out other products produced from highly processed foods – pasta can be criminal in this respect.

Sensible Low Fat

Animal fat could easily be seen as an animal’s revenge for its short pitiful concentration camp existence on this earth. Butter and lard will clog your arteries and make you feel like shite. Don’t support this system. Instead, the best fat, bursting with Omega 3,6 and 9 in exactly the right proportions for us humans is hemp oil. CLICK HERE to read about why Hemp Seed Oil is not widely available.

Stop taking those Omega fish bomb capsules. They make you smell and are not as good as the vegetarian alternative. Olive oil is also better for you. Bothe these oils will make you feel good and assist your skin and hair to glow with health.

Sensible Low Sugar

Stop drinking “soft drinks” such as coca-cola. Remember the experiment of putting a tooth in coca-cola overnight and finding it has thoroughly eroded in the morning? Well see the impact of this on the organs of your long suffering bodies. People who sup this crap all day don’t have temples as their bodies – they have converted themselves into sewerage plants.

Does My Bum Look Big in This? | Illustrated Article

2012-04-06T14:29:00.000+01:00

WORLD PEACE TESTED
And so the US are or could be about to launch military action (probably via a drone) against Syria. This is according to Russia Today. Tony Blair – the stray poodle of George W (W stands for warmonger) Bush – now Middle East Peace Envoy (sic) is hell bent (i.e. if there was a hell he’d be going there) on bombing Iran and – thereby – completely clog up the Strait of Hormuz, kill at least a thousand more innocent people and vastly increase the price of oil.
NATIONAL PEACE TESTED
The police working on the capture of ALL of the racist murderers of Stephen Lawrence (there are three more – possibly four more to be brought to justice) will know soon if they can continue on this case. Given news of the murders of four women by a man who, was a recorded self-harmer and therefore possibly not playing with a full hand, and held two gun licences – it seems likely that at least a few racists have legal guns in their homes.
CLIMATE CHANGES TESTED
The BBC have reported that seals – particularly the fluffy, big eyed babies we’d all love to cuddle – are in danger from the melting of their homeland. Bangladesh and parts of Pakistan have not recovered from the floods and accompanying catastrophes of 2011. These are widely held to have been brought about through global warming and the rising sea level which will see many of the poorer nations suffer while the nation’s which caused it continue to prosper.
BRAINS TESTED
Of course the above is of no concern to some people. What concerns them is the perceived size of their arse in this season’s pant. How will the newest hair care products make their hair look? The laws on Assisted Suicide might be changed soon but, even if it relates to one of their nearest and dearest, they can’t be fagged to bother about that… as it seems they are having a bad hair day…

How to Deal with Extremely Annoying People

2012-02-06T13:42:00.001Z

Dear Wilma Proops,
How can I cope with the latest annoying person in my life? It seems she:

a) Lives up her own ‘arris

b) Loves herself

c) Talks for the entire British nation

d) Has had it unrealistically easy

e) Is a prize twerp

I cannot be too nasty as that might look to others as though I am (to use a phrase which I know you will not appreciate – it being a cliché) “kicking a puppy” and that would be wrong.

By the way Wilma, thanks for answering other of my problems on you excellent Problem Page/website. I particularly enjoyed Wobble Your Fat Away and can honestly say that it has changed my life! Who else would have described how they transformed themselves from a flabby couch potato into one of the most glamorous, beautiful and successful women in the whole wide world? Surely, only you my dearest Wilma Proops.

Yours in anticipation

Daphney Darts, Taunton (Somerset, UK)

Name, address and telephone number withheld from publication for obvious reasons.

Wilma Proops Replies

Dear Daphney,

I’m glad you supplied me with your telephone number and that we have had the opportunity to discuss this latest pain in your buttocks. Firstly I'd like to comment that if you do learn to deal with extremely annoying people then (like Texas quarterback Colt McCoy in the image above supplied by Wikipedia) you will learn how to cope with extremely annoying situations too. Now, to return to your letter specifically.

Yes, it would appear like you were kicking a puppy and, although “kicking a puppy” is a nasty cliché it is one which expresses disgusting behaviour well. You would be wrong to proceed against Miss Uppity Arse in this manner. Instead you must proceed following another rather nasty cliché, namely: give her enough rope.

She will undoubtedly use it and you will undoubtedly come up – wait for it… yet another grimey cliché: “smelling of roses”.

From what you tell me Uppity has a drink problem and, as there is too much alcohol in her environs for her to resist she is bound to come unstuck.

Please visit my website for further information about living a pure and blameless life: Wilma Proops’s Problem Page

Best regards

Wilma Proops

Click on the image above for details of where to buy this Vibration Exercise Machine as used by Wilma Proops and referred to in this article. Please leave after purchase reviews in the comments section. Start wobbling your fat away soon!

Walk Around London | Walk through History and to Sites of Execution

2012-02-05T23:24:00.002Z

This walk is about four miles and on the flat. Allow a day for the walk as you are bound to find places of interest on the way and really should sit down and contemplate what happened in these locations and how, thankfully, times have changed.

Starting at The Tower of London

Image via Wikipedia | A view of the Tower of London which includes Tower Bridge.

Tower Bridge was used to display the heads of traitors who had been executed. The Tower of London in the suggested starting point of this walk.

Let's start at the Tower of London by the River Thames. The tower was constructed to show who was in charge by William the Conqueror (aka William the Bastard). It may have escaped your attention (as it has most pupils in English schools studying History) but William I of England headed a violent occupation of England with methods typical of all despots: accept their rule and decisions concerning your life under their rule or pay the consequences.

Two of Henry VIII’s six wives were beheaded in the grounds of the tower and buried in non-consecrated lands.

Anne Boleyn was beheaded here in May 1536

Image of Anne Boleyn via Wikipedia

Catherine Howard was beheaded here in February 1542

Catherine Howard Image via Wikipedia

You may wish to say a prayer or have some kind thoughts for Anne and Catherine. No matter what the History books tell us and no matter what primary sources view as reasons for their executions, these were two young women who were made to put their heads on blocks and feel the blade of the executioner’s axe chop off their heads. Such actions are and never were right.

Now, lets head off to Smithfield. Consult the map or Click Here for a close up view. You should pass the Hung, Drawn and Quartered Pub if it is still trading. You could be amazed at what people think of as good taste but – as we’ll see below - executions were never sober affairs.

Our walk is now taking us up West along Great Tower Street, Eastcheap (full of banks) and then north up King William Street (full of foreign banks). We’ll not mention every place along this route but you’ll walk along Poultry and up Cheapside and be getting a good sense of London. We advise that you don’t dash but take your time and notice place names and think about their historical significance. Always take some time to look up and take in the architecture and don’t be afraid to wander down narrow alleys and have a “shufty” (a quick look). Keep an eye out for blue plaques on the side of buildings as these were placed by the Historical Society and put there to commemorate people and events – you can learn a lot in London by keeping an eye out for such clues…

Back to the business of executions. Between Cheapside and before you get to Newgate Street you’ll glimpse Saint Paul’s Cathedral. Newgate Street is in the vicinity of (as the name suggests) a gate into the city of London which was once walled. It is not far from and replaced what was Blackfriars Gate which is south as the crow flies and the London side of the river Thames. There was also a prison here which took the name Newgate.

Image via Wikipedia | A Plan of Newgate Prison in 1800

Strange but true. In its later years Newgate prison was a prison for men. However, women were burnt at the stake outside Newgate prison. Catherine Murphy was the last woman to be burnt outside Newgate prison in March 1789. This form of execution was common for women who murdered their husbands but Catherine was executed by flames for the less common crime of High Treason. Don’t imagine that her crime was anything like that of Guy Fawkes as all Catherine had done was debase coins. “Coining” was seen as High Treason because the coins that were clipped had a depiction of the king’s head on their front.

Most later public executions took place outside Newgate prison as the gallows was moved from Tyburn (you’ll pass that site later) in 1783. The last public hanging in England took place here in May 1868. The man hanged was Michael Barrett. Barrett was a Fenian and convicted of causing the Clerkenwell bombing in which 12 Londoners died in 1867. Executions took place inside the prison and in prisons elsewhere in the UK after 1868.

Next we go to Smithfield Street. You need to come off the marked route and have a nose around West Smithfield. This was where Smithfield Market was situated. (There is still a wholesale market here today). Here too was where heretics were burnt at the stake. Most of the 274 heretics burnt during Bloody Mary’s reign of terror were bunt here.

Image via Wikipedia | Mary in 1555 the year the burnings started. By an unknown artist.

Let's take some time and think about burning people. Being burnt at the stake in England could take several hours. It could be a slow lingering death as no vital organs would be destroyed until the flames had first incinerated the lower half of the body. The slowness (like much in England) would be down to the weather. In countries where burnings took place in bright sunshine deaths would be quicker but in damp, cold England this wasn't the case.

Now our walk is going towards Speakers Corner and Marble Arch. We will be walking towards Holburn Circus on our way and passing along Great Holburn and New Oxford Street. Make your way towards Marble Arch but now you must find speakers’ corner on the outskirts of Hyde Park. Here’s the map of the area Click Here. You need to walk down Tyburn Way and cross over to the park. Why are you looking for Speakers’ Corner? Because this was the site of the Tyburn Tree. This was where the public gallows was sited and where up to 30 people could be hanged at the same time. Their dangling and struggling on the end of their nooses came to be known as the Tyburn Jig. The term “pulling my leg” came from what you did to put a hanging person out of their misery as it could take up to thirty minutes to die.

Image via Wikipedia | The Tyburn Tree

By the way, the walk to this place follows a similar route to the procession of the condemned on a cart. Behind the cart would come a troop of soldiers and behind them some dignitaries on horses. They would stop at pubs along the route and the prisoners would be given wine. They’d be drunk by the time they reached the Tyburn Tree. The map below from 1746 shows that it was near here – though difficult to distinguish exactly where – soldiers were shot. Contemplate that at the end of your walk of London execution sites.

Image via Wikipedia | Right: The site of the Tyburn Tree and where "soldiers are shot" end our walk.

Click Here to see the complete map of the route as supplied at WalkIt.com

FREE TRIAL Cloud Storage | Access Your Files from Anywhere

2012-02-04T16:45:00.001Z

Sometimes I solve practical problems too! Losing all your work is now a thing of the past as is access to you work from anywhere in the world. Just click below for a free trial.

Keeping all your files in a cloud will mean you never lose them ever again. It will mean that you can use any computer in any location to access your work, hobbies, photos, contact lists, databases - do I need to go on? Holiday snaps, presentations, the idea you need reminding of, the price list you went to extensive trouble to compile, the picture of your ex... because you want to make a dart board, who knows why you need something when you can't (normally speaking) have it but the list is infinite.

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Wilma Proops Back with New Man

2011-11-06T15:44:00.003Z

Polygraphs and Other Lie Detectors

Arrangements are being made for Wilma Proops to introduce the latest man in her life. The man (we are sure you'll know) will have to jump through hoops and in various other configurations if he is to live up to the high standard set by the list of losers who have dated, cohabited and - in four cases - married Wilma Proops.

NEW TESTS FOR WILMA'S NEW MAN

It is not known if Wilma's latest understands the nature of the tests he will have to undergo if he is to become Wilma's official squeeze. We will not reveal all here but can confirm that the new bloke will be required to take lie detector tests.

Liar Liar Your Bum’s On Fire | Calls to Polygraph Murdoch

2011-07-22T08:32:00.009+01:00

Polygraph Tests for Suspected Liars

Two News of the World Executives claim that James Murdoch was aware of phone hacking when he sanctioned huge out of court payments to celebrity victims. Wilma Proops gives her unique perspective on the matter. (Aint it good? The downfall of News International has left a large gap for new and interesting pundits.)

Did You See Flames Shoot out of James Murdoch’s Bottom?

Children tell lies. Parents and carers will know this to be the case as their charges will have undoubtedly spun the odd porky pie (told a lie). Telling lies is part of a child’s development and shouldn’t be treated as a criminal offence; after all, these “child lies” are usually of little consequence, are entertaining and usually absurd. For example:

“it wasn’t me it was him” and “she told me to do it” while blaming an imaginary person.

Parents and carers will also have ways of dealing with lies. Some feign belief and only inadequate, power tripping parents will treat child lies with disproportionate punishments. The latter type shouldn’t really be parents, they raise children who may think they are called Shut Up and Quiet. The former are better parents but the best parents (like my good self) show the child that their lie has been detected and will not make them advantage. The best method of is to have a laugh. For example, use this method of meeting lies, which is based on the rhyme:

Liar, liar, your bum’s on fire

When your young child tells a lie, parents and carers say something like:

“If that’s true, how come I just saw a flame shoot out of your pants?”

Some children will even tell a lie and then quickly check to see the flame. It is a laugh and good fun.

Did Rupert Murdoch See Flames Emanate from James Murdoch’s Pants?

On Tuesday James Murdoch told the Culture Committee that he did not know about the hacking of phones when he sanctioned huge payments for celebrities who had their mobile (cell) phones hacked. This was not a sweet child’s lie if the News of the World’s executives who revealed it are to be believed. Perhaps Sean Hoare would have agreed with them if he had not been found dead.

Polygraph the B*******!

Let’s cut the crap and give the likes of James Murdoch, Rebekah Brooks, Andy Coulson, bankers and war criminals, polygraph tests.

Swimming Machines or a Jacuzzi a Simple Decision

2011-05-23T12:01:00.002+01:00

Image via Wikipedia | A Swimming Machine (aka Resistance Swimming Apparatus)

Jacuzzi and Hot Tubs

Several of my properties have a jacuzzi or a hot tub in the garden or on the patio or roof terrace. I do enjoy soaking and water therapy under the stars. Outdoor exercise (unless I'm in a hurry when I use my special machine - Click Here to read about that) is far preferable to indoor. You'll not get Wilma Proops in a smelly gymnasium, no matter how good looking the instructor! Even if by reputation (you know who you are) "you go like a train"!

Wilma's Advice on Hot Tubs and Jacuzzi

Yes, I delight in the relaxation of hot tubs and jacuzzi but both have their drawbacks as far as I'm concerned. If you keep reading this you too will become less enamoured of the hot tub and jacuzzi but, nevertheleas, I ask that you read on. I am a "selfish cow" as my friends and foes rightfully discern but that is not why I NEVER share my hot tub or jacuzzi. It is neither why I decline to "come in" when invited to by friends and it is neither why I empty my tubs, clean thoroughly and refill after guests have stayed in any of my homes while I was not there or at least instruct my staff to carry out these menial tasks.

The Problem with Hot Tubs and Jacuzzi

What explains these practices is my absolute objection to sharing body emmisions, loose skin flakes and, even worse when we are talking sharing with a dirty unhygienic person/people urine, faeces and smegma particles or - in the worse case scenario - dollops of the aforesaid body matter.

Replacing Tubs with Swimming Machines

That said, unpleasant as it was it needed to be, I am now turning to my latest thing. My love of exercise outside will be well served when I install a Swimming Machine in each of my properties. In some more substantial homes this will be in addition to the outdoor heated swimming pool and the outdoor hot tub but in smaller houses I will be replacing them with swimming machines. The smaller machines are made for one person to use at a time and can be set to provide different currents to swim against. These smaller swimming machines are not that much bigger - in the amount of space they take up, to a tall muscular man lying on the floor.

Introducing Wilma's Porking Stool

2011-02-08T20:58:00.000Z

Hi Friends,

I have a new venture which I know you are going to appreciate. I am still hawking Fat Wobbling and Wobbling Fat Away by means of a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine but now I am branching out with my newly designed and patented Porking Stool.

What is a Porking Stool?

Need you ask? A Porking Stool is a stool you sit on while you are being porked? Geddit? I hope you will buy one from my official suppliers when they are released soon. In the meantime don't accept anything other than the Wilma Proops brand of Porking Stool and while you're waiting get in shape with the help of a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Shake Your Fat Away!

2010-12-31T17:18:00.002Z

Wilma Proops has been wobbling her fat away for almost two years now. She uses (as all regular readers will know) a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine. Read about how Wilma discovered Vibration Plate Exercise in her article Wobble Your Fat Away which has had thousands and thousands of readers since she wrote it.

Image via Wikipedia

The only problem is that Vibration Plate Exercise Machines are not portable. Wilma has bought several and installed them in her homes throughout the world but what does she do when she stays as a guest somewhere or takes prolonged breaks in luxury hotels. What if her host is a foody? What if the luxury hotels which she frequents has Michelin starred restaurants and offer 24/7 room service? You've guessed it, Wilma piles on the fat.

What Wilma needs is a portable Fat Wobbler (aka a Vibration Plate Exercise Machine). However, there is no such thing. There is however Shake Weights. Wilma has been watching her cousin demonstrate the Shake Weights on commercial TV in America. (Sandra sent a copy to her cell phone). As Wilma is off for a holiday in Barbados she has packed the Shake Weights that Sandra sent her.

We don't know if they work but Wilma will be trialling them for her readers and should report back in February with results.

Crazy Fit Fat Wobbling Machine

2010-12-09T11:55:00.003Z

How One Woman Became Crazy Fit Almost Two Years Ago

Wilma Proops is buying another Fat Wobbling machine for herself for Christmas. She'll then be shipping it over to her luxury, Puerto del Carmen, (in Lanzarote) holiday apartment. Wilma has been promoting Vibration Plate Exercise machines for almost two years. This was two weeks after the first time she ever stood on one. She had already noticed the difference that ten minutes every other day had made to her body shape and her mental and physical welfare.

Image via Wikipedia

Read about how she discovered the secrets of Vibration Plate exercise: Click here to read WOBBLE YOUR FAT AWAY! This is a fun to read article and describes how Wilma became crazy fit on a fat wobbler.

The Science Behind Fat Wobbling and What Else they Wobble Away

Discover that there is well founded science behind the innovative Vibration Plate Exercise machines and that they can be used by people who are unfit because they have become sedentary and depressed because of their workload and responsibilities. A Vibration Plate Exercise machine turned Wilma's life around. Within a month of starting to use hers, for ten minutes every other day, Wilma was out power walking and off to swim. She had allowed herself to become down and depressed but her Vibration Plate Exercise machine wobbled her depression off as well as her fat. It also made her daughter laugh so much that it hurt.

Buy Yourself a Crazy Fit ~~Fat Wobbling~~ Vibration Plate Exercise Machine

Or buy one for your second home. But one for someone who is stuck in a no exercise rut.

Read Wobble Your Fat Away and check out the prices of Vibration Plate Exercise Machines.

How to Get Real

2010-12-03T22:33:00.000Z

A right pair of plonkers! At least Wilma Proops and Majorie Blunt can't be accused of ruining the world. George W Bush got real on the golf course "watch this drive" while Tony Blair got real by describing his sex life with Jaws aka his wife Cherie Booth QC and Crunt (pictured). Should you want to buy any of these books click on the images for details from Amazon.

How to Get Real

Exactly, how does one get real? This is the question I was discussing with my good friend Majorie Blunt recently. Does, one (to use the ridiculous language of the pompous middle class) want to (to use the terminology of 1960s hippy types) get real? Marjorie Blunt argued, in the manner of a terrier with its jaws well and truly locked on, that the quest to get real was of central importance in the lives of all and, if they didn't think so "they bloody well should".

Me, Marjorie's oldest (and obviously most informed) friend, yours truly Wilma Proops, argued that getting real was nowhere as near as important as getting laid, getting funds and getting holidays. Although I was only joking to start with, Marjorie's arrogant attitude had me polarise my opinion and stand sturdy. Who won?

We remain good friends because we have learnt to live with these spats. I watched the video footage back to see how we do this. Of course Marjorie doesn't know that I have CCTV is all my rooms - due to an ex who was good with his hands and because I want CCTV in all my rooms - and I'd rather (if you know her) you didn't let her know.

The CCTV shows to old birds (Marjorie and me) drunk as lords and banging our own drums while ignoring the drum banging of the other. I suppose Marjorie is seen getting real and getting real for Marjorie is about banging her drum. I'm banging my drum but not getting real because I don't like banging my drum and only do it when I'm drunk. I'm not real when I'm drunk. In fact, after a few I get nasty, naughty or numb but never real. Reality for me is when I'm sober. I'm seldom sober and so I seldom get real.

Stupid really... Get real on a white knuckle ride or a roller coaster!

How to Design Your Own Vagina

2010-11-12T10:41:00.000Z

Labiaplasty for the Elderly

Some women (but obviously not me) have problem vaginas. This is because they have always been a problem or because - through over use - they have become a problem. Hanging skin, larger than ideal aperture makes for an ugly, under performing vagina. If you are one of those women who want the best looks and everywhere then there's a plastic surgeon waiting for you!

Cosmetically Enhanced Vaginas

Unlike cosmetically enhanced boobs which all look the same, like painful bouncy castles, cosmetically enhanced vaginas are truly amazing. Obviously do your research and don't go for a (excuse the pun and sorry if it makes you wince) "cut price labiaplasty".

My Friend with the Labiaplasty

My friend is wearing all sorts of beach wear that she wouldn't have risked before the labiaplasty procedure. She also reckons that sex is so much better with her small endowed husband. Looking at the smile on her face I would recommend that labiaplasty might work for you!

How to Design Your Own Boxer Shorts

2010-10-19T09:02:00.004+01:00

As more and more websites offer the facility to design the artwork to be reproduced on men's boxer shorts so do the number of men with ridiculous and embarrassing designs on their undergarments increase. This article is for them and the tips will be timely for those who want to design their own boxers but who do not want to be among their number... because they are (and there is no nice way of putting this so I'll come straight out with it - apart from this preamble) LOSERS!

Another Problem we can Blame on the Internet

Online computer design technology means that the general public (as opposed to a vastly overpaid designer) can design motifs, images and write the copy to be reproduced on all sorts of merchandise. From T shirts to teddy bears and from place mats to boxer shorts, men can impose their own messages, styles and jokes on these and other items. Below the picture of old style boxers, what they looked like before their reincarnation, and the picture of the foundation garment as seen nowadays - the blank canvas upon which we embellish our designs as it were - are a few tips for you if you plan to be amongst the vast number of men who strut their stuff in self designed boxer shorts.

This ghastly image is courtesy of Wikipedia - Boxer shorts from the old loose dangley days...

Thank Gauld for re designs and images from Wikipedia Commons!

Wilma's Tips for the Self Design of Boxer Shorts

Keep it Simple
Do not make your design too intricate as this will be too much for onlookers to take in. Keep messages short and to the point and limit your colour palette to two colours with a maximum of three. Remember, you are designing pants not a ceiling for a Rococo palace!

Do Not Personalise
Boxers declaring that the "property contained herein belongs to Candice-Marie "(or the name of an another individual) might be an expensive mistake. Once Candice-Marie (or the person whoever named) has packed the owner in (i.e. finished with him) these boxers become obsolete. The material they are made of are rarely good enough to be cut up for dusters and, anyway, who would want to be reminded of a failed relationship when cleaning?

Failing to Live Up to Expectations - Avoid this Scenario
Although size is unimportant, the depiction of a huge snake or massive one eyed monster on your boxers will have that special person expecting something enormous. Failing to live up to these expectations might cause upset.

ALSO READ Wobble Your Fat Away! and see how this Vibration Plate Exercise Machine changed Wilma Proops's life... Click on the image for further information: