Wind on the Moon

I've moved

2007-05-14T19:10:00.002-05:00

The primary blog has been moved to my MySpace page. If you know me, you probably already know this. =)

I'll still post the random post over here, so if you're subscribed, you'll know. But just in case you were wondering about the chirping of crickets over here.

Got me thinkin'

2007-05-14T19:10:00.001-05:00

You know, it just figures that I would be the kind of person who would listen to someone else's sadness about being single and decide emphatically that I want to continue to be alone. I might be a bad friend to the single girls these days. But, it really is true, I have too much to do that I'm afraid I won't be able to do with someone else in my life. I've earned this me time, and I plan on making the most out of it that I can before someone else turns up that I go all stupid for. And, if it kills me, I'm going to cram in as much as I possibly can just in case that person turns up closer to today than to 20 years from now.

My funeral/or moving forces

2007-04-15T22:52:00.000-05:00

I am a nomadic soul. I have never claimed to be anything to the contrary. This is just who I am. I may force myself into some semblance of stability by staying places that I would otherwise leave, but my heart wants to keep on the move. As a result, I'm not someone who makes a lot of strong ties wherever I end up. I know I'm just going to pick up and leave some day, so I don't invest a lot of myself in forging deep friendships. Lots and lots of acquaintances, and I'm forever surrounded by people I really do care a great deal for, but I always keep my distance somewhat (this is also the reason why many people think I'm a snob, but who cares?).
I'm completely alright with this arrangement, as it has always suited me just fine. But the sole thing that sometimes slivers into my mind is that with no strong ties, who is going to show up at my funeral? Hell, with so many of the people I know being such fairweather friends, how many people would even know if I died? It's sort of a depressing thought, but really, in this scenario, I'd be dead anyway so what do I care?
But there's one thing that happens to me no matter where I live, and I always see it as my sign that it must be time to go. At some point, all of those acquaintances become true friendships - warts and all. I don't know what causes this to happen when I'm such an avoider, but happen it does. And it always happens shortly before I move away just like it's happened again now. If I died today, my funeral would turn into the second biggest party in town. Like I said, I don't know how this happens to someone like me. But I just roll with it knowing that my departure from these parts is surely eminent. And I just hope that when I do die, it's shortly before I leave a town so lots of people will show up for the funeral. =)

Sp'angin bones

2007-04-12T21:17:00.001-05:00

Love is a battlefield

2007-04-11T11:00:00.000-05:00

Damn my sister! I subscribe to the blog that she and her husband write, and they had a new post up today. Last weekend was their one year wedding anniversary, and to memorialize the occasion, they took a trip down memory lane remembering and sharing all of the events from the weekend of their wedding last April. Their blog was littered with pictures and memories reliving the entire weekend. And I know that I should look back on that weekend and be glad, but it just gives me this big empty feeling inside.

That entire weekend and the week that followed was a positively magical time for Johnny and me while we visited Seattle. And remembering all the joy I felt then only serves to remind me of the big hole in my heart. It's so much easier to think only with my short-term memory and tell myself that I hate him, but then I'm reminded of all the years before that. It almost makes me hate him more for having taken away from me something that was so incredibly beautiful. Despite everything that came after, I really did love him, and probably will until the day I die. And I would sell my soul to be able to go back in time and relive those years that were so amazing.

I'll live. I just don't want to hear anyone tell me how great love is, thanks. I already know. Don't remind me.

Today's horoscope

2007-04-11T07:52:00.000-05:00

I love reading my horoscope every day:

"With sweet Venus back in your sign until May 8, you can be even more charming than usual. You must, however, be careful, for with the Moon in rebellious Aquarius, you might be tempted to ignore the rules of the road. Go ahead and engage in whatever lighthearted fun sounds good to you, but don't overstep anyone's boundaries or you might find yourself on the outside of your group of friends." Wednesday, April 11, 2007

For one thing, how could it even be possible for me to be more charming that usual? =P Not that it will do me any good today to be so charming seeing as I won't be around anyone except my co-workers and then tonight with my textbooks. No matter.
And that second bit about ignoring the rules of the road? Wait, there are rules? Shit.
In any case, I've found myself on the outside of my group of friends once already recently. It may not have been particularly pleasant, but I was still OK. I just kept on keepin' on and everything ended up working out OK in the end. Actually, probably better than OK now - there's nothing like a big shake up to cull the herd. =)
But I think I'll skip that bit about engaging in "whatever lighthearted fun sounds good", because the only fun that sounds good to me this evening is a big party (why on a Wednesday I will never understand) which will involve lots of drugs, alcohol, and dancing. None of which I have any business being anywhere near when I have a paper to write and a very long day ahead of me tomorrow.

Confused

2007-04-10T21:32:00.000-05:00

I can't breathe for all the mixed signals the universe is throwing at me.

I take the left turn at Albuquerque only to spy shiny objects twinkling back at me from where I came.

I can't go back but I can't go forward.

Instead I go in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles in circles.

Just tell me what you fucking want!!
Give me a hint!
A clue!
Fucking smoke signals!
Something!

Which damn direction am I supposed to be headed in?

Are you coming with me or not?

Damnable pixies always confusing my head.
I want none of it!
I want all of it!

Watch the knife if you know what's good for you.

I'll kiss it make it better but it'll cost you maybe more than you are prepared to pay.

Wait for the dust to settle.

Wait for the dusk to settle.

Then we'll know.
We'll know the score.
The price of tea.
The sum of one and one.

How to confuse the pixies.

I think I'm faulty

2007-04-09T16:36:00.000-05:00

Huh. Well, I guess my sinking feeling yesterday was just PMS or low blood sugar or something. Seems everyone's doing OK as far as I can tell. Yes, this is a good thing. I've just been wracking my brain all day trying to think if there's anyone I've forgotten, but I think we're good. Saw Dad and Dawn last night and they and the rest of the extended family are good. I've swapped emails with my seastars all day and they're good. And for the friends I haven't talked to since yesterday, I've been stalking their MySpace or blog pages all day just to be sure. =) Sometimes the EvilNetwork[tm] does come in handy.

I'm telling you though, there's something in the air in Boston that gets my radars all out of whack. Oh, bother!

Sinking

2007-04-08T12:33:00.000-05:00

I have this horrible feeling deep in the pit of my stomach. I got out of the shower and suddenly had an "Oh, shit. Something is terribly wrong" moment. And I haven't been able to shake it all day. I hate getting feelings like this because too often I'm right. But knowing that something is wrong isn't any use if I don't know what it is. It's killing me, and there's nothing I can do about it. Someone will call if something serious has happened to one of my friends or family, I'm sure. I hope. And calling everyone I know only bums people out and makes them think I'm nuts. I hate feeling so helpless.

Pole dancing

2007-04-07T23:09:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to see my friend Bob in his current play, "Conquest of the South Pole", and I must say I found it delightful. Who knew that unemployment and boredom in pre-Berlin Wall demise Germany could be so darn enjoyable, huh? I'll spare you my insufficient reviews and leave that to the experts:
The Dig
The Phoenix
Boston Globe

I recommend that all you locals go check it out:

Charlestown Working Theater
Thurs-Sat April 5-7 @ 8pm
Thurs-Sat April 12-14 @ 8pm

And, if you bring two friends with you, your ticket is free! And free is good!

Yeah, so I might be biased about the show because I think Bob is a dramatic genius, but he's my oldest friend in the whole wide world, so I have to think that. (I'm also a little bit biased because I've decided that one of the actors WILL be my future ex-boyfriend!) But it really is a great show and you should ALL go see it!

Sick sucks

2007-04-05T06:55:00.000-05:00

There's nothing I hate more than waking up for the third morning in a row feeling like I've been run over by a train. A train filled with slime. I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep all day long. Unfortunately, I have a new class starting up tonight, and as each of these classes is only 6 weeks long, I don't know that I can actually afford to miss one. I wish there was a way I could teleconference in from home in bed.

But here's the good news. My new phone arrived in the mail, and it is so super rad and adorable! I also finally received my new passport in the mail! Yay! (Bummer that all the overseas last-minute packages are really expensive again though) And I also got confirmation that my Management class grade will be changed to an A. Thank god.

So basically this week has been great just so long as I don't count the mucus and the weather.

I rock!

2007-04-04T07:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah baby! I got an A in my Employment Law class! Who's a rockstar, huh? I was a little nervous with a grade that was based 100% on the final, and a final with 2 out of 5 cases that were real head scratchers. But I kicked ass! Just had to share. =)
Still waiting for my grade to be fixed for my other class, but I found out that I did indeed rock the final in that class, so even though it doesn't show up, I aced that class too. What's funny though, is that he apparently graded the class on a curve, so it's quite possible that I just lowered everyone else's grades in the class. Booyah!!

What a Monday

2007-04-03T12:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I've gone and done it now! I did my standup show last night! Wahoo!! So much fun I could hardly stand it. All of my fellow comics rocked my socks off - I'm so proud of them!! I think I did alright, and everyone said I did, but I wouldn't really know - I was sort of nervous for about the first 20-30 seconds and then I don't really remember the rest of it. =) I know I forgot two jokes though. One I'm not so worried about skipping over. It would have added another few laughs, but no one knew it was supposed to be there so no one knows that I skipped it. Another joke though, I know people were expecting to come out of my mouth, so I'm a little bummed I missed it. Oh, well. I still had a fantastic time, and everyone there had a ball. As I expected, we totally filled the room and had to do a scramble to find more chairs for people, and it was quite the lively audience. (On a rather funny side note, before the place started to really fill up, all of my friends were already there and Michelle, another comic, comes in the room and says "Does it smell like pot in here or is it just me?". "Oh, sorry Michelle, that's just my friends. Don't mind them." Haha!) And Liz managed to not die from embarrassment when I made a whole joke setup about her. Devon managed not to panic that Liz was there. Donald didn't manage to figure out his Rubik's Cube. Doris didn't manage to hear my more raunchy jokes. Kathy actually managed to make it there before my set. And a bunch of my other friends all just plain laughed their asses off. Huzzah!

Next topic. So, I've been freaking out a little bit about Johnny. The shit that I've been hearing about him for weeks now really has me worried. So much so that I've started reaching out to some of his friends who I haven't spoken to in ages trying to get someone to do something to help him. Unfortunately, all I've been getting in response are more bitchfests about how much people can't stand him. Every time his name comes up there are newer more vile nicknames added to the list. I'm really scared for him, but no one seems to want to give him any support and I obviously can't do anything for him myself. This has been going on long enough that no one will be around him, so fortunately no one has gotten hurt lately that I'm aware of. But the latest and greatest was a fight that he had with one of his oldest friends in the world which left him in tears and apparently threatening suicide. And then, from what I hear he hasn't been home since then. I don't know, maybe he's figured out that his roommates are pissed off too. So I'm all in a fit because from the sounds of it, things have really gone too far so I ask his sister to please talk to him and make sure he's OK. But, I should have known better. She says to me last night "Oh, that stuff that happened. He's totally fine now. I talked to him the other day, and he's not really going to hurt himself or anything. HE'S FINE. DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT" Yeah, I didn't really mean for you to ask him if he's OK as a yes or no answer. But I guess she only has his word to go on seeing as she's now almost as much of a pariah as he is these days. I gotta say, it's weird how two people who were so idolized only recently have fallen so low in other people's eyes. I really should just stop worrying about other people. Blech.

OK, back to the fun stuff. So, after the show, and after I talked with Liz for a minute about her brother, I went to have a couple of drinks with my fellow comics over at the Rattlesnake. It was nice getting to hang out with all of them and just relax and talk and not be worrying over our sets anymore. It was also a really nice way to burn off all my frenetic energy. A wise woman once said that before your standup routine, do not drink, do not do drugs, and have a glass of water. After your standup routine...drink heavily. =) I didn't drink heavily, but I did have a couple just to wind down. But I ended up being a little short on sleep as a result which was just the ingredient needed for this head cold to finally catch up to me. So I'm home sick today. Blech again!!

Now it's me, my pjs, and bed. It's days like these I'm quite pleased to have a laptop. Now if only I had a robot maid to bring me more tea....

Tri-polar?

2007-03-29T09:30:00.000-05:00

So I got to thinking the other day about so-called "bi-polar disorder". And it sort of made me wonder, isn't everybody bi-polar? I mean, think about it. When have you ever said "I'm just alright" and really meant it? Seems to me that it's human nature to swing one way or the other. We're happy or we're sad with nothing going on in the middle. Even if we did find ourselves in the middle we'd just make up something to be sad or happy about anyway, don't you think? We just can't be OK with being OK. People are very peculiar.

The whole reason I started thinking about this was because I'm on an up swing again. For some reason I had a sort of crummy few weeks there. But now I'm back on my game and feeling happy all the time again (except first thing in the morning...I'm never pleased then). And very little has changed. Seeing a couple of old friends again has been nice, but other than that it's been the same ol' super busy life. And I just think it sort of strange how easily my mood can be pushed around one way or another when life's absent some of the big extremes. So, yeah, I guess I am bi-polar. But I bet you are, too. =)

I laughed. I cried

2007-03-27T15:55:00.000-05:00

Last night was my final stand-up comedy class. I've gotten so used to my Monday night jollies that I'm a little bummed to know it's done now. =( But next week is our show! Woo-hoo!! Unfortunately for me, while doing my "dress rehearsal" last night, I tossed in a couple of new jokes. That's not the unfortunate part. The really unfortunate part is that in the process of getting huge laughs with the new material, I ended up cracking myself up so hard I was crying. I'm like, "Wait! Wait! There's still one more punch line to that joke! I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!!" except I couldn't form words anymore. And you know how when you start laughing and can't stop, you have to stop and breathe and say everything with a straight face until the moment passes? Yeah, that last bit's not so possible in the middle of a stand-up routine. Especially not possible in my routine where it's as much about the silly side of me as it is about the words to the jokes. It's not like Steven Wright who portrays every joke as if it's the most serious thing since the holocaust. It's more like telling Robin Williams to do deadpan.

Oh, I really really hope I can get myself under control by next Monday. See this is why I won't take an improv class. I think doing improv would be amazing, but I already know I have a tendency to crack myself up. I can just see myself up on stage doing an improv show and thinking of a really funny joke but not ever being able to vocalize it past my own hysterics. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a particularly funny joke. Just funny to me...which is a long list! Now, if I could find myself a vaudeville class I'd be on that like stink on poop! I think I work better playing off of someone else. But I guess vaudeville's not really hip anymore. Not since the prohibition days anyway...

It's going to be a monster turnout next week, I think. I think we determined that just between the 5 of us who we know will definitely be performing (we're not sure who of the rest of them will muster up the courage) we probably have at least 75 guests, and probably closer to 100. And the BCAE sent out an email to all their members about the show too, so that will tack on quite a few more (just so long as it's not a bunch of golden agers who're going to be freaked out by my material). Dude. I think we'll max out the capacity. No pressure..............

Tiger by the tail

2007-03-24T14:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 4 years since the war in Iraq started. And it's lasted oh, about 4 years longer than it should have.

Last night when I picked up Liz and Julian from the airport at about 1 in the morning, Liz was complaining (about a lot of things actually) that she wanted to go to the peace rally and march down at Boston Common. I was already planning on going provided I wasn't up until the sun came up playing poker, so I offered to call her in the morning to meet up with her if I went. Well, she bailed on me. Not a big deal. I had been planning on going by myself in the first place. Then again, I expected to see a lot more people I know there.

This is my first problem. I'm constantly surrounded by throngs of people with their bravado and their posturing. There were at least 50 people I know who should have been at the rally. Did I see a single one of them? No. Yeah, there were a fair number of people there (a lot less than I would have expected, but still), so I might have missed a few of them there, but for me to not even run into one of them? That pisses me off. How dare you get up on your damn soapbox from morning 'til night every damn day, forward me emails, bully me into thinking I'm not doing enough, and then not be there? Hypocrites.

Here's my second problem. War brings out the propaganda and the sheep in all of us. Propaganda, propaganda, sheep, sheep, spin, spin, spin. Makes me crazy. I'm not saying that this is just a peace activist phenomenon. Same is true of the neocons and the save the ozoners. I happen to agree with more of the lefty propaganda than the righty, but it's still propaganda, and it's still riddled with half truths, misinformation, and great glaring holes. But folks just gobble it up because it's easier than finding the facts. How can a person say on one hand that you can't ever trust a word the government says and then on the other just blindly follow every word uttered by these activist groups? Trust or don't trust. Pick one. Get informed. Figure out what's true and what's not true. Don't just agree with everything that the guy with your favorite banner says. Come on!

And here's my other problem as long as I'm bitching about hypocrites. I'm going to pick on Pat Scanlon here because he illustrates so well what I mean. He's up there singing this song about taking all the heads of state, tossing them into Abu Ghraib, throwing away the key, connecting nodes to their genitals, etc, etc, etc. "Lock 'em up!" "Throw away the key!!" The crowd loved it, shouting out the whole call-response. Dancing their precious little hearts out. All the while waving signs and banners and flags calling for PEACE!! How can you possibly chant about ripping out someone's eyeballs while carrying a huge peace flag? That's absurd! No wonder Bush and co. don't listen to you. If it's OK for you to seek revenge, why can't he?

Now, after a while of me standing there thinking all of the above, Cindy Sheehan comes up on stage. I didn't honestly know what to think of her as I've only ever seen/heard/read post-spinzone snippets from both camps. But damn I love her now. She doesn't throw out arbitrary facts to make the audience gasp. She doesn't make herself out to be anybody but who she is. She doesn't pretend that her son was anything but who he was. She is just a mom who lost her son, trying to talk sense into people. And what made me love her the most was that she commented on the buttons that were showing up all over the place during Camp Casey that said "Cindy Speaks For Me" or "Cindy Doesn't Speak For Me". Her response? Speak for yourself, damn it! Good for you, Cindy.

And, I will state for the record, that there were many many people there who were thinking and speaking for themselves. There were many people who know that letting go of a tiger once you've got it by the tail is dangerous business - but who also know that we'd best figure out a way to do it safely right now. There were many people there who have been going to protests and rallies since long before I was born, and know a hell of a lot more about how to be effective at it than I do. And there were a lot of people there who, although they may or may not have been misguided, really do mean very well.

All in all, it was a good day. For all of my frustrations about both the war and the anti-war, I needed to be there. I needed to be a part of this. And I'm glad I went. But I'm even more glad right this second to have made it back home where it's warm and I have a toilet. =)

I'm a catch!

2007-03-23T15:24:00.000-05:00

What an altogether flattering day. Beyond the regular flirtations from the construction workers next door that I usually get, I also received a "god you're gorgeous" from someone else, a "you're like a freakin' supermodel or something" from another, a "how could you not be great at stand-up, you've got the best sense of humor and timing of anyone I know", and an "I always know that no matter how unusual the question, you will somehow always have the right answer you're so smart". Along with others, but those were my favorites.

Is it my birthday or something?
Is my new bottle of conditioner scented with "eau de suck-up to me"?
Am I on Candid Camera?

This is very peculiar. People just don't find the same person praise-worthy all in the same day usually. It's just how it is. But I can't let it go to my head, otherwise I'm in for quite the let down tomorrow when everyone returns to their senses. But I'll certainly enjoy it while it still lasts! =)

Friends in low places

2007-03-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

How do you help someone who doesn't want help?
How do you help someone when no one who once cared for them has any faith in them any longer?
How do you help a person who you think will kick the shit out of you, literally, for getting involved?

How can you not help them?
How can you not help someone when you do have extraordinary faith in the goodness inside of them?
How can you not help someone when other people you care about are getting hurt?
How can you not help when you know how this story will likely end?

Rock, meet Hard Place. Picking up the phone just isn't the simple thing it once was...

Hey! I worked hard for that!

2007-03-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

Oh, I am so pissed off right now. I've been fretting so much for the last few days that I'm nauseous because of it. I won't get into why I'm already at the end of my rope right now. I keep writing blog posts about it that I never end up posting because I'm afraid they'll get misinterpreted. But needless to say, I don't need any more shit from the world at the moment. I'm busy coping with other things, you're just gonna have to come back later.

So, I was actually sort of looking forward to getting back to work yesterday thinking it would be at least 8 hours of respite for me, but first thing in the morning I'm sitting in our staff meeting and am informed that the supervisors have some problems with HR lately. That makes a person feel great. Turns out they've been coming across problems because the dumbass in payroll keeps fucking up their checks which a) they never told me was happening so I never knew to fix it and b) they completely blame me for. But you know what? When dealing with idiots, it's difficult to predict just how they're going to screw up. I certainly didn't tell him to do it the way he did. But if I knew it was happening, you'd better believe he would have been hit on the head with a stick a long time ago. The other things they're bitching about are confusion over their benefits - hello, when I took over, I created an employee handbook that details in great length the benefits you get because I didn't think it was right that employees not have something to reference. They all have a copy of it, and they all know damn well where my office is. So why in the fuck are they getting all bent that I'm not giving them answers to questions they haven't asked or even looked for? Huh? Want me to bring in a fucking psychic you whiners?? Whatever, I'll deal.

Now however, because apparently I maxed out my karmic credit card, I finally get my grade for the business class I finished a few weeks ago. As if it wasn't bad enough that I was waiting for over 3 weeks for the professor to submit the grades. As if it wasn't bad enough that he took so long to do it that I couldn't get my reimbursement from work so I could pay for my law class and ended up with my grades being blocked and an extra $100 late fee. Now the grade shows up and I have a fucking C! I'm sorry, but that's just not possible. I may not have the syllabus in front of me, but the grading breakdown was something like 33/33/33 for papers/participation/final. Well, I got perfect scores on all of my papers and I attended and participated in every class (unlike the professor). Even if I had flat out failed the final that still leaves me with a B. And I don't believe for one fucking second that I bombed it. Might not have aced it like I thought I had, but I certainly didn't hand it in scribbled with "fuck the professor" all over it. Oh, I am so raising hell over this one. That's bullshit.

Why now, damn it?

Well, that was pointless

2007-03-16T23:36:00.000-05:00

What a dreadfully useless day. Basically the sum total of my productivity was limited to breakfast with Liz and Julian and taking them to the airport. Wow. I had sort of fantasized about taking advantage of being holed up in the apartment due to the freaky March snowstorm and doing all of my homework and memorizing my act before the weekend even got here. But, alas and alack. Instead I spent the day distracted by one shiny object after another, none of which I can particularly recall at the moment. At least the front steps are nice and cleared of snow because of me. Other than that, nada, nothing, zip, zilch, zero. Tough to accomplish not owning a video game console any longer. I thought about the court case I am writing a paper on. I thought about doing some cleaning. Hell, I even thought about walking to the liquor store for beer, but didn't even end up doing that. (Did walk to the convenience store for cigarettes and snacks - that was an adventure and a half in this weather)

Apparently in my world calm=lazy. After a couple of tense weeks for no good reason, I suddenly started feeling this sense of peace a couple of days ago. A serenity that I can explain no more than the anxiety that preceded it. Makes me wonder if something was going on with someone I'm close to. Sometimes the empathy kicks into overdrive and I can't explain it. But whatever the reason, I'm sort of wishing I was still in stress ball mode just so I'd get some things accomplished. (Oh, and I'm sure I'm going to get loads of work done this weekend! Right.)

You're probably right...

2007-03-15T08:22:00.000-05:00

So today's horoscope for us Gemini's says:

You may be thinking about postponing or even canceling an upcoming trip due to responsibilities you cannot avoid. The hardest part about this is not just changing your plans; the disappointment can bring up memories of a similar event from the past. Letting go of your feelings attached to a previous experience can help you focus your attention and efficiently manage the current situation. Thursday, March 15, 2007

That hits a little close to home. I was going to take a trip. And it looks like I'll be canceling those plans. And this is the one weekend I absolutely do not want to be in Boston because of memories of what may arguably have been the worst day of my life. But horoscopes are funny things, that don't usually mean anything, and yet I read them anyhow because sometimes they will tell me just what I need to hear. In this case, it's so right, I just need to let go of those feelings and carry on.

I'm usually pretty good about not living in the past, but in this particular instance, it's hard for me not to. And in this particular instance, I really shouldn't. I have so much that I can look forward to this weekend - hanging out on Saturday with some of the coolest, liveliest, most caring and generous people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, then spending Sunday with an entirely different crew who meet all those same criteria, and let's not forget cute boys. ;)

The past is going to be there whether I like it or not. Nothing will ever change that, and there may be nothing that will make it not hurt. But there are lots of other memories that I should hang onto instead. And I know I'm doing all the good memories a disservice by minimalizing them. It's just so damn hard to bolster myself. I'm fearful that things won't work out the way I want them to, because I know how crushing even the smallest disappointment this weekend will be to me.

Let me just make it through 'til Monday without getting hurt. Actually, now that I think about it, the way everything has been changing lately, I stand a pretty decent chance of having other hurts eased somewhat. I shouldn't get my hopes up though.

Stupidity kills

2007-03-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

So, I found out last night that an old friend of mine has died. An otherwise relatively healthy guy, he died of a heart attack at 30 years old after doing cocaine. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated. The last time I talked to him I yelled at him and told him that I didn't give a rats ass that he only did hard drugs "from time to time". I regret that that was our last conversation in his lifetime. I'm furious that he didn't listen to me. And damn it I miss him.

Why do people always think "not me"? They say things like, "Well, it's not like I'm shooting heroin or anything. I'm just having a good time." I've watched so many people die for the most senseless reasons, but I thought that finally I had gotten those people out of my life or that they had finally grown up. Why do people have to be so fucking stupid?

Blog math

2007-03-08T18:18:00.000-05:00

I can't figure this out. First, I posted a short post earlier today and almost immediately someone posted a comment on it. The weird part is that my feedburner didn't register any hits. Very peculiar. (Side note: it would be cool if my feedburner would tell me precisely who visited my blog. You know, name, rank, and serial number? Whatever.) Not a big deal or anything, just a little odd.

What I'm really confused about is my MySpace blog. Tons of people seem to think that I was just kidding around when I nuked my profile months ago and keep sending me friend requests, so I logged on and posted a quick blog to say 'Holly don't live here no more, ask for my blog address'. And according to that page, the blog has been hit WAY more times than just the few remaining people who are still subscribed to it can account for. This makes no sense. Is it just a random coincidence that a bunch of people stumbled across a dead page and wanted to read the blog? Or do I have stalkers regularly checking my page "just in case"? I'm very confused.

I think the blog hit counters are conspiring against me.

Working from home is fun!

2007-03-08T15:25:00.000-05:00

I finally am set up to work from home and hook into all of the work servers from my laptop, so I decided to take advantage of that today. And I honestly think that I got more work done in the past 5 hours or so from home than I normally get done over the course of a few days in the office. And I don't want to shoot myself in the face right now. Always a plus. =)

I could get used to this....

Creepy McCreeperson

2007-02-28T14:58:00.000-05:00

OK, this is driving me batty. I mentioned this guy before, but I will elaborate because I really need to get it out of my system before I explode.

Before Christmas I met this guy at a party hosted by my friend Kathy. I honestly thought he was gay for most of the evening (might have been the blonde wig that threw me off) but later realized he wasn't. Anyway, he seemed nice enough and I was at that point thinking that launching myself back into the saddle was what I needed, so I took it and ran with it.

After the holidays we went out for coffee. It was a nice enough time, and having a conversation with a Harvardian felt like a vast improvement in my life. We talked about everything from poetry to real estate to poverty to physics and everything in between. We also talked about googling people which he found morally objectionable, and gave good arguments to that end (little did I realize). Later, he received a "call from a friend" and let me know that this "friend" was coming over to his place in a little bit to hang out over wine. Did I want to come? I said yes. But, of course, said "friend" never showed. However, his nerdy roommate was home with whom I probably had more fun chatting with than my date. But that says less about his roommate than the fact that my date kept sprinkling the word "love" into the conversation, which sort of freaked me out, but I didn't figure I would give him the boot just yet. Back in the saddle, and all that shit.

But after that evening, I kept receiving sweet nothing text messages, and during one short conversation on the phone together, he told me how much he missed me about a half a dozen times. Fortunately for me, this was about the time that I was coming to terms with the fact that I don't have the time to deal with being in the saddle. So, I tried to let him down gracefully and then carried on with my life. Unfortunately, letting people down gently doesn't always get the result you're after and I continued to receive texts and emails and phone messages, which at the time it seemed most prudent to ignore. Then I get this long email listing out all of the attempts to reach me and groveling for forgiveness for whatever he had done to offend me. Waah, waah, waah! So, I pulled out the big guns this time and said fairly bluntly "Not interested".

One would think that sort of response would close the matter. But sadly, it turned into sniveling torment over the loss of his very dear new friend. Let me repeat something here: we met at a party and went out one other time - no long heartfelt emails or phone calls in there, just how do. By now I'm starting to get pretty icky vibes, and I thought back to our previous conversation about googling, and decided to see if there was something hiding in his closet. Well, as it turns out, he had been kicked out of a former college for sneaking into women's dorms and masturbating on them while they slept. (!!!!!!!!) All I can think is thank god he doesn't know my address!! And then, after a couple of weeks without any further response from me he sends me a "Happy Valentine's Day, my dear" text message. And last night he left a voicemail to tell me his wonderful news about getting some of his poetry published! I'm sorry, but don't you think that when you get good news like that the first person you would tell would be your friends, family, maybe co-workers and not the girl you have hung out with twice who won't have anything to do with you?

Oh my sweet lord. When did this happen to me? I have never NEVER been the girl who ended up with assholes or creepshows, and yet here I am. Somebody broke my radar, and now I'm pissed!