I went into the hospital on Sept. 22nd with kidney pains and other urinary-type problems. I also had a fever of almost 102F, so they admitted me. While I was having blood taken, they decided to do a CAT scan to check out my kidneys. About an hour or so after the CAT scan, a resident came around and told me they found a “mass” roughly the size of a lemon or small potato just below my sternum about where my stomach is. Over the coming days, I had two ultrasounds and a biopsy. The ultrasound is when we started calling the “mass” Man Baby. It has been known as such ever since.

The mass, as I would later find out, was thought to be made up of “connective tissue” and resides between the layer of muscles over my stomach and chest and the sack that holds all my guts in. Tasty, no? That is good news, I am told, since growth or tumors in that area are rarely the kind that grow on organs and are generally benign.

Flash forward to today, Sept. 30th. I go to get my biopsy results and the doctor is rather impressed as she tells me what I have. I was impressed as well after she told me. Man Baby is actually a desmoid tumor.

What’s so interesting about a desmoid tumor? Well, a few things. For one, it is very, very rare. I heard I might be the first documented case at U of M. That may not be true, but it does speak of how rare Man Babies like mine are. “They account for about 0.03 percent of all neoplasms and less than 3 percent of all soft tissue tumors. The estimated incidence in the general population is two to four per million population per year, which in the United States translates into approximately 900 new cases annually.” That’s according to one medical publication.

Weirder still, they are more common women than man, and even more common in pregnant women that anyone else.

The good news is that desmoid tumors are benign, slow-growing and generally easier to remove than other kinds of tumors. The bad news is that “they are locally aggressive and have a high rate of recurrence even after complete resection. Tumor-related destruction of vital structures and/or organs can be fatal, particularly when these tumors arise in patients with familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP, Gardner’s syndrome).” I do not have Gardner’s syndrome or anything like that, so I’m pretty optimistic about removing it. The consensus is that I will have a CAT scan about every 6 months to make sure more aren’t coming back and if they are, how they are growing.

As it stands right now, I have an appointment in late November for a consultation with the surgical department at U of M hospital. I will be checking back earlier to see if there are any earlier openings. I’m relieved and thankful and all, but the earlier we can get Man Baby aborted, the happier I’ll be.

More as it develops (or stops developing). Thanks for reading and thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and well-wished.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

BEWARE OF SCAM AT HOME DEPOT

A ‘heads up’ for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd, three times this morning and very likely again tomorrow.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Be careful out there.

Last month I had a server install in Madison, WI, so I went online and booked a room for several days at a Holiday Inn Express near downtown Madison. When booking online, you have all these fields to fill in for address, credit card, etc. One such field is “Comments” where you can enter special requests that pertain to your stay or reservation. For fun, I entered “Celebrity – Treat with courtesy” and submitted my reservation. About 3 seconds later, I promptly forgot about it and wandered off to prepare for the trip.

When I arrived at the hotel, the nice gentleman behind the desk greeted me and I gave him my name. He pulled my “Priority Club” reservation and looked at it. He smiled and asked me what brought me to Madison. I told him I was there for work for the next few days and asked him where the closest restaurant was. He gave me several options and recommended some nicer options than I was willing to pay for. He also offered to call me a car (not a taxi, a “car”) if I so desired. I declined and set out on foot for a place nearby. Nice guy, I thought, but then didn’t think any more of it.

When I got back from the restaurant, I entered the lobby and nodded a greeting to him with a smile. As I get half way past the front desk, he says, “Hey… what’s this about you being a celebrity?” I had to stop and think for a second. I bust out laughing and said, “No, man! You’re not supposed to question it. You’re supposed to offer me a free upgrade to a whirlpool suite or something.” We both laughed; me because I didn’t think anyone read those comment lines anyway and I totally forgot about it. Him because he said his manager pulled my reservation before I got there and told him that she thought I was “some kind of celebrity!” Apparently, she was kind of nervous and excited about it.

Sorry to disappoint, Madison Hotel Worker Guy. It’s just me. It does beg the question, though: why would a “celebrity” of any sort 1) state that he is, in fact, a celebrity and 2) be staying in a budget rate Holiday Inn Express when there is a 4 start hotel right next door in the same parking lot?

Anyway, I have to return to Madison tomorrow for some follow-up work tomorrow. I just completed and submitted the online reservation form again. “Celebrity – Treat with courtesy” Let’s see what happens this time.

Positively surreal. I love it.

I wish all of you out there a wonderful, safe, happy, healthy, fruitful, pleasant, peaceful 2009.

Who do you think it will be (or should be)? Leave a comment!

Man’s Ruin: Geek Culture by ~spacecoyote on deviantART

Artist’s Comments

A modern satirical take on the famous “Man’s Ruin” tattoo design. The design has several interpretations, but it usually has a pin up girl, alcohol, playing cards and dice. Look it up on Google and you’ll see a bunch of examples.

This is the Man’s Ruin of today’s generation. Computers, geek gadgets, anime, gaming, caffeine. God help us all.

Comments welcome (read: encouraged).

Anyway, as before, I ask you; Is there anything to do in Knoxville, TN? Recommendations of sights to see or things to do? I’m always looking for something cool to check out when I’m on the road. Hotel bars and convention centers don’t do all that much for me.

More about Knoxville as the trip progresses. Stay tuned.