Wishing Upon A Star

Free At Last, Free At Last, Thank God I Am Free At Last!

2010-08-20T09:09:00.000-06:00

Day 4 of being job free. I am coming to find joy in the fact that I was fired. The frustration that I felt over the fact that I was fired, and the manner in which it occurred has begun to pass. I am now grateful to be free of that situation. I have been praying for 3 months to be set free from it, but I had thought that I'd have another job and be quitting, not getting fired. I don't like having that on my record, it's just like getting an "F" in school, the implication is the same, you just didn't make the cut, you didn't do the work, you lacked effort. That's not the case though. It's like I was doing the work for a class I never signed up for or was duped into taking believing that it was something that it wasn't. Can you really fail if you were deceived to begin with? The job turned out to be something completely different than what I had signed up for, with rules that constantly changed as soon as I began to succeed. Frustrating to the extreme. Did I fail or was it sabotage? Either way I learned a lot of what not to do's, and developed a strong aversion to dirty dishes, rotting food, messy houses, and strong ideas on potty training and child care. That's something to take away.

Now I am just glad to be free. Reveling in it actually. The burden is gone, the stress has vanished, I'm remembering how to truly laugh, relax and have fun again. I didn't realize just how much this terrible job was leaching from me, mentally, physically, spiritually. It's good now to be free. To escape. Praise God for setting me free. It truly is an answered prayer, maybe not answered the way I thought it would be, but God never seems to work the way we expect. He has His own way of doing things, while they don't make sense at first, or sometimes ever, in the end the results are perfect.

God is great, Beer is good and people are crazy...

2010-08-17T15:25:00.003-06:00

I just realized that it's been a very long time since I've written anything. I miss writing. So much has been going on, it's hard to keep it all straight.

The biggest and possible the best change has to be losing my job last night. While it was infuriating and stupid the way it happened it is good to be free. So many horror stories to tell. This has to possibly be one of the worst jobs I have ever worked. After working a year for this woman, each day progressively worst than the last, culminating in getting in trouble for not allowing a 4 year old to play with cleaning products, being belittled and treated like crap, she fired me via text message last night.

I'd like to say I'm upset about this but really I'm just relieved. I am so glad to finally be free from the toxicity. It is hard letting go of the tension that has built up and releasing the emotional burden that I have been carrying for a year now. It's weird to finally be stepping out of that draining and toxic routine, and to finally be able to look forward instead of just getting by one day at a time.

I can't say that it wasn't tempting to vent to a more public audience, given who she is, but I know that that isn't right, and isn't the answer. Sure she treated me horribly, but it's not going to get me anywhere in the end to do that. I just pray that the child will some how, some way, grow up to be a normal human being with ethics, morals, respect for others, and values. Without God's divine intervention I can't see this happening. Given the way he has been raised so far, his behavior, and the influences in his life I can not see a good future for this poor child.

I also pity the poor soul who is duped into being the next nanny. No matter what the job pays it isn't worth it, not for the hours, pyhsical abuse from the child, mental abuse from the mother, belittling, toxic messes, cleaning, diaper changing, rudeness, etc, etc, etc. Looking back I am not sure how I lasted as long as I did, I should have gotten out long ago.

Sigh. Breath in. Breath out. Let it go. Move forward. Trust in God.

Now it's time to look for a new job. A new start. A new chapter. Finally.

Time to do what is healthy for me.

Salvation

2010-03-04T14:50:00.005-07:00

This was my recent status on Face book: "Ever notice how the words "wicked" and "wiccan" sound alike? I don't think that this is a coincidence..." After giving much thought to this idea and given my past I felt that it warranted some discourse.

In high school I hung out with the wrong crowd, this followed me out of high school and accompanied me for the 2 years following high school. These friends were kind, funny and wiccan. I loved them dearly. We spent a great deal of time together, we invested into each others lives and we bonded. During the time I was friends with them they were open about their wiccan practices, and while I never fully participated in their practices I also never avoided them. I truly did not know what I believed in. I was searching for a high being, a God, a connection and a faith. I knew that God existed, but only because I saw the demonic that accompanied my friends practices. I have heard many arguments that wiccan is not demonic, and that it is Earth worship, but that was never my experience.

My experience consisted of hiding in a bathroom because demons had chased my friends home from the cemetery where they were, for lack of a better term, playing around. It consisted of watching my best friend become possessed by a demon and try to choke herself. It consisted of seeing demons in my bedroom at night. Most of all it consisted of fear, evil, pain and sadness.

At the end of my friendship with them I had to terminate every connection with them. It was painful, gut wrenching and tear filled. I recognized that I could no longer live in this setting. My mind was incapable of existing in that place of fear for a longer term. I recognized the evil that existed in this world and was forced to sever connections that I had invested a great deal of myself into in order to attempt to free myself from some of the evil that had permeated me.

After all of this I found myself searching for something good, something to believe in, something eternal to invest in, something to hope in. It took many heartbreaks, what felt like oceans of tears, years of loneliness and hopelessness. After all of it I found God. Or rather I should say that He found me. I found everything that I had been searching for and so much more. I found faith, hope, love, forgiveness, redemption, strength, courage, joy, peace, grace and most of all God. I don't write this as a regurgitation of sermons I've heard, books I've read or conversations I've had. I write this out of personal experience.

I've lived the life of my own decisions and I found myself running in circles, chasing after smoke and mirrors. That life only lead me to confusion, pain, heartbreak and loneliness. I know am choosing to live my life for something more. This decision is slowly reshaping me from the inside out. It's altering my thoughts on right and wrong. It's also causing me to feel sadness over things that I never gave much thought to before.

It still amazes me how a single verse in the Bible can sum up my feelings at any given moment. Each day I read and discover something new, I find new verses that suit my thoughts and emotions of that moment and of that day.

Above all this verse captures what has changed within me, and the way I choose to I live my life from now to eternity:

I have been crucified with Christ [in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ (the Messiah) lives in me; and the life I now live in the body I live by faith in (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%202&version=AMP

No More "If Only's"

2010-02-15T14:56:00.003-07:00

One of the biggest things that has caused me to struggle with my self image has been the comments that were made by others out of envy or spite. I can still vividly recall the day in grade school when a boy made the cruel comment that I have a double chin; he had probably only just learned the word and was looking for a way to use it, irregardless it hurt, and has stuck with me to this day. Or there was the day in high school when my so called best friend said that I was looking a little "pooch-y" and asked if I was pregnant. I know now that she was no friend, she used people and she put everyone down to make herself feel better. She had a horrible self image and completely lacked self respect. This comment however contributed to my subsequent body image issues and false perception of my body. I don't blame her for the problems that I struggle with, these were my own. I do blame her for the way she treated others and the comments she choose to make about others.

Over the past 15+ years I have tried fad diets, contemplated plastic surgery, exercised to extremes, hidden under layers of clothing, and when all else failed tried to be invisible. Much like Princess Mia in The Princess Diaries, my whole goal in life was to be invisible, to go unnoticed, to avoid drawing attention to myself in any way. All out of the fear of having more unkind comments added to those I already carried around, like rocks within my spirit.

I am now realizing that it is time for me to lay these rocks down. The first step of this was to destroy the lies, the second part is this: To let go of the "If Only's".

I am now realizing that if I were to get plastic surgery it would never end. The idea that "If Only" I had this or nipped, tucked, sucked, or plumped would not get rid of the thoughts in my head. Not only that but once I begin that journey it would never end. Once I had one thing done I would end up fixating on another feature, it would never end, I would perpetually find more and more "faults" with my body. The only area that needs surgery is the false ideas. The destructive thoughts are the only things that need to be surgically removed. Once that it accomplished then and only then will I see myself as I am, as God created me. Beautiful and unique, truly one of a kind.

God did not create me to be invisible, or to abuse my body the way I have. I was created to bring Him glory, to worship Him, and to live in relationship with Him. I can not change my past or how I have treated myself, but I can change my future, I can change my thoughts, and I can change my perception. I can also forgive myself and forgive others for what they have done and said. In forgiving them I know that I do not condone their words or actions, but I do remove the cancer-like tumor of resentment, anger, fear, and pain. I can lay down the stones that have weighed on me and live. That is something worth doing.

Step 1: Desroy the Lies

2010-01-12T15:07:00.002-07:00

Why is it that we trust our friends with everything excepts their opinion? Let me explain, we trust our friends to catch us when we fall, to keep our secrets, and even to care for our belongings. We confide in them with the understanding that they won't, if they are a true friend, go telling everyone they meet about your inner most secrets. Yet why is it that we don't believe them when they tell us that we aren't fat or ugly or stupid or anything else negative that we say about ourselves. At any given point within a conversation my own insecurities will surface, and being human I give voice to them. It usually goes along the lines of "I'm fat", "these jeans make my butt look big", "I didn't get that joke I must be stupid". It goes on and on and on, toxic thoughts spewing forth from my mouth. Yet no matter the friend, no matter the depth of the relationship they are there reassuring me that I am not fat, I do not have a big butt, I am not stupid. But because I have bought so far into the lie I can not hear the truth in their words, I can not apply the same unconditional trust I have in them in all other areas to this.

I think that my biggest hang up, or at least one of them is that I don't want to think well of myself out of the fear that I will be labeled vain, stuck up or conceited. It is hard for me to come to terms with the idea that it is okay to think well of myself. The biggest problem with this for me has been other girls. We all have encountered the type,the one who will do or say anything to bring someone else down. I know that they only do it to draw attention from their own insecurities, I understand the psychology behind the action, but I still buy into it, hear their words and allow them to affect me causing long term pain, suffering and low self-esteem. It's not easy to ignore someone saying that you are fat, or stupid, or like I was once told, you have a double chin. And when you do ignore them you are called vain or stuck up. But maybe, just maybe it is okay to be called vain and stuck up? Maybe just, maybe it's okay to ignore their words, ignore the venom. Maybe. I think that Jesus would still love me even if I did learn to love myself. After all God doesn't create garbage, He put so much thought and effort into creating each and everyone of us. Who am I to criticise the artistry of His hands?

There is only one being that I know of who would want me to discount the work of God's hands and to not see the beauty in it. Satan. Looking at it in writing seems so simple, all I need to do is call Satan a liar and the rest is cake, the lies disappear. Wrong. I am learning that in order to learn to love myself as I am I need to be constantly aware of the thoughts that are in my head. Satan is sneaky, therefore I need to be on guard.

This is my goal, my project as it were. Step one on the path of destroying the lies that Satan has weaved into my thoughts. From now on, every time I look in the mirror I am going to tell myself "I am beautiful". I am not going to allow the old thoughts of "this is as good as it gets", "what a train wreck" or "what a waste of make up" to enter into my mind any more. I know that it's not going to be easy, the last thing that Satan wants is for me to see myself as God sees me, and He is going to throw a lot at me to prevent this. Being aware of that I am hoping will give me an advantage. And if all else fails... pray.

1 Samuel 16:7
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

It's been a long time coming

2010-01-04T12:13:00.002-07:00

I got on to Blogger for the first time in a long time today. It says that the last blog post was written in June of 2009, wow, it really has been a long time since I was on here. I've really dropped the ball on this one. Yikes! Time to get focused on this blog if I really want to keep it, and I do, I truly do.

So much has happened to me since June. I got engaged in August, I've been planing my wedding which not so surprisingly takes up a good chunk of time. I have a new job, I'm still a nanny, but I am just working for a different family. I am now working with the youth ministry Red at my church. I am growing in my faith and my walk with God, my relationship with Jesus is becoming deeper. So much change!

Anyways, the New Year always brings about new resolutions, new areas to work on in your life, new ways to improve yourself. In the past my resolutions have been pretty meaningless. Last year's resolution was to stop making weird reactions whenever someone touched my nose. Pretty easy change to make. The year before it was to wear my hair down more, totally superficial and so easy to follow through on. Both years pretty much reflect where I was at in life, superficial, uncaring, self focused, to afraid to make a big change, to afraid to commit to much of anything. This year I want to be different. This year I want more. This year, because of my faith, I am called to be more, to do more. First change I have to make is me though. Before I can begin to hope to help others I must first change myself.

Whenever I look at myself in the mirror I always find myself thinking, "I would be so pretty if only... 1) I lost 10 pounds, 2) my nose pointed just a little more to the left, sheesh it looks so weird, 3) my teeth were whiter, straighter, more like..., 4) if my skin was a little darker, 5) if my skin were lighter, 5) if my hair were a different color, cut, texture, 6) if I didn't wear glasses, if my vision was perfect...." the list goes on and on.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I tear myself down? Why do I compare myself, my body to everyone else? Why can't I love my body just the way it is? This why this year my resolution is to learn to like my body for the way it is, not the way it would be "if only... (Fill in the blank)..." and in order to make myself transparent, accountable and in order t make a true change I am going to blog about it. I know that I am not the only one who has these struggles and these thoughts. I just hope that others who read this will be encouraged and encouraging. I am excited to begin this change!

I'm getting old.

2009-06-25T09:06:00.002-06:00

I feel like I've been trying to cram several lives into the span of a single lifetime. It's very strange. I've been so many things, tried so many things, and done so many different jobs that it's all becoming a bit of a blur. I have to stop and think now when I tell a story from my past and then it's like "wow, that was 3, 4, 5... years ago" it doesn't seem like that much. Time is beginning to blur. Some of that is a good thing though, the bad memories are starting to get blurry. But it makes me feel old. The large amounts of free time at work have given me a lot of time to think and reflect, maybe that's good and maybe that's bad. All I know is that I'm starting to dread my birthday. Not long ago it seemed far off and now it feels like the days are flying towards me and I have literally nothing to show for myself.
They say that life isn't about the number of breaths you take but about the number of moments that take your breath away. I wish I could know that was true. Right now I feel like I'm just floating along waiting for life to hand me the next pile of poo for me to sludge through. Most of my time seems to be spent shifting from one problem to the next, working my way through each obstacle, but never actually going anywhere. Where is the point when you stop going from problem to problem and start making a life? I'm going to be another year older soon and honestly, I can't say that I've accomplished much other than just getting by.

My car hates me.

2009-06-24T14:30:00.003-06:00

For anyone who hadn't guessed, I love my car. I may not be the best at taking care of it, and sometimes, well most of the time, that shows. But honestly I do love my car. I know that that may be a weird thing for a girl to say, but hey, I guess I've never been overly normal. That being said, I am becoming convinced that my car doesn't hold the same feeling towards me.

I try to do my best by it, but some how it still ends up lacking in some way. I've never run out of gas or gotten a flat tire, but some how that doesn't cause my car to love me. I try to get regular tune ups, and oil changes, but let's face it, I'm not the best at this. I admit it. As much as I love my car, it does get neglected.

Still, I was surprised when the "Check Engine" light came on. At first I thought that it must be a joke. My cars way of trying to get even for all the neglect and lack of regular car washes. So, I got an oil change. I made a deal with my car, I'd get the oil change, and it would make that stupid light go away. No dice. I begged, I pleaded. It still wouldn't go away. Every time I got into my car it was a glaring reminder of the loathing that my car has for me. An angry light beaming up from the dash. Just screaming at me over and over. Lecturing me on my lack of proper maintenance and up keep. I kept wishing every time I got in the car that it would go away. I'd close my eyes and plead with the car to forgive me and just make it go away. Still no dice. Every time I turned on the car, there it was, like a beacon there for all to see.

I finally broke down, stopped pleading and took it into the shop to get looked at. Now the glaring beacon of loathing is gone, for now at least. It's only a matter of time before my car finds another way to show it's true feelings for me.

more on waiting (that didn't take long)

2009-06-17T13:32:00.002-06:00

No, waiting is not impassive. It's actually more along the lines of, actively trusting.
Psalm 37,34. Wait for the Lord and keep his way. And He will exalt you and you will inherit the land.

Waiting is hard work. You are consitently giving it up, your conception of controling the goal, up to Him. Because it will happen, without any help from you.

Perhaps I am actually talking about faith, and willingly giving up your perception of control. And then waiting for God.

It's come to me recently that we are kids. Or rather, when I was a child, I went to bed each night and never had a thought about what would happen tomorrow. I never worried about the future. I had total trust in my parents that they knew what they were doing. Now, we are God's children. Of course, how should we be acting?
With total trust that our Father has the answer to tomorrow's quesiton all settled.
We don't need to worry!

Sort of two different messages, but I think it's in a good spot.

Waiting for tomorrow

2009-06-17T12:51:00.000-06:00

I think that the biggest thing that we learn that isn't true is that waiting is a passive thing. I learned that this thinking was wrong from my advent book actually. When Mary was pregnant she had to wait, wait for the timing to be right, wait for God's word to be full filled, wait, wait, wait. But she was anything but passive about waiting. She was very active in it. Every word that was spoken to her about the baby she was carrying she stored up in her heart. She was joyful about it, living in the moment. In America we are taught that we shouldn't have to wait. We live in a nation of fast food and immediate gratification. In order to live a full life we need to un-train ourselves from that mentality and learn to live in the moment, for the moment. In order to hear God better we have to be in that moment with Him, not looking forwards, planning out the next moment. If we spend all of our time living in the future we'll miss the things that are right in front of us. We'll miss out on the full life that God has promised us.

it's not true-dispite everything telling me different.

2009-05-24T03:52:00.002-06:00

So I've started to run. I've heard from lots of people what a great sport it is-how good it makes you feel, how little you need to actually do it.
Walking seemed just fine for me. It's not as fast, but still, the throbbing in my feet and legs afterward-not to mention something I'm sure I saw on TV, told me walking was just as good. Really, I am sure it's all just fantastic, and the only difference is speed and how quickly you feel like you really can't go forward anymore, please shoot me.

But I report, running is different. It's different because my body immediately informs me that this pace won't get us from a to b that much faster, do we really have to? When I tell my body to shut up and deal with it, it does, but with a warning that we will all be sure to die soon. My body is fond of exaggeration. Plus running doesn't have that much room for thinking-it feels like all the mental rescorces are taken up with the effort of lying to my body. My mental voice, when I've paid attention, seems to go like this.
One foot in front of other, at least to that tree. Tree accomplished, goal! Now to that rock.
I'm also not so much a runner that I see any need to run in full sun, on pavement. I walk to field, there's a dirt path, and it's shady. Anyone would tell me that I am not really jogging-but since I have yet to convince everything from the neck down that we're doing this at all-I don't really care.
I'm can't say that I look all that in shape, but I've never thought I looked terrible either. I'm doing this because it's always irked me that other's can run a strech, and there isn't an increase (that I've noticed) in their breathing. Those people, of course, look at me and are like, we're not even going that fast, and that's your top speed, and you're outta breath? It's good that I have nothing to do with those people anymore. But it gives me a smug feeling, that with this regularity, I will be healther.
I'm noticeing that all this running has an immediate effect right afterwards. Heart races, and bum bum bum, there is so much extra blood...it's worth an extra little bit to keep that feeling.

Music.

2009-05-04T10:14:00.000-06:00

Every culture uses music to express emotions, convey ideas and to tell stories. It is an intrinsic part of each society and culture on this planet. Music makes up the back ground noise everyday in America. You can’t enter a store, restaurant or elevator without encountering music. Most people don’t realize that music can not only bring pleasure to the listener but it can also be used to control the emotions of the listener. Retail stores were quick to discover this truth; they learned that playing loud music with a rapid beat lead to more spontaneous purchasing and there by generated more income for the stores. What does this mean in everyday life?

To me this means that I need to become more conscious about the music I allow into my life. Given the subconscious effects that music can have on my day to day life and disposition why wouldn’t one want to exert a positive influence on this? Music can change emotions and reshape your outlook on a situation. You can alter your mood simply by listening to a different type of music. Some music can make you happy, some can make you sad, some can make you angry; some has even been said to make you hungry or suppress your appetite.

Given the prevalence of music around us, and the amount of stores, restaurants and businesses using it to control our decision making abilities, why are we not taking back control? Possibly because it is a passive battle; one that is fought without anyone every being aware that it is happening. We often associate battles with physical fighting and physical harm being inflicted upon the combatants. More often than not the most damaging battles are the ones that are fought without an actual shot being fired or a punch being thrown.

I have begun taking back control. About a year ago I realized that listening to depressing music when I was depressed did me no good. In fact it probably only made things worse. Instead I began to listen to happy music when I was sad. It was a frustrating change at first; the joy in the songs would grate on my nerves and make me irritable. After all if I was upset why would I want to be cheered up? I was upset for a reason and my emotions at the time felt justified. After a couple of songs I would begin to feel just a bit silly, I would begin to think about things more objectively. I now longer had the unspoken agreement to my irrationality; instead the music was just unbiased, irrelevant background noise.

We are what we repeatedly do. ~ Aristotle, Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC - 322 BC)

Twilight, What's the big deal?

2009-03-11T14:26:00.004-06:00

““Twilight” took a giant bite out of the North American box office over the weekend, selling an estimated $70.6 million in tickets and proving that a wholesome love story can still turn out a huge young-adult audience.” ~New York Times

“The four books -- "Twilight," "New Moon," "Eclipse" and "Breaking Dawn" -- have held the top four spots on USA Today's bestseller list, which unlike some lists ranks young adult books alongside adult fiction, for the past two weeks."For the past three years we've been steadily getting more fans, so when 'Breaking Dawn' came out (in August) it sold 1.3 mill ion copies on the first day in the U.S.," Eulberg said.” ~Reuters Entertainment News

With the huge profit created by a series based upon a mythical theme many are wondering what the big deal is. Girls are flocking to the story in hordes; many seeing the movies multiple times. Yet there is still a puzzling element to the hype that has many questioning what the draw is. What is the elusive element that is drawing such high sales figures? There is a lot that can be gleaned from this story other than the element of purity that has already been marketed in relation to the story. The fact that it is a love story is obvious. But is there anything more than that?

Yes. To those willing to listen to the raving fans; there is more to it than that. This story that was marketed and targeted to the t’ween demographic has surprisingly drawn and older following. In talking to the older fans one can come to understand that there is more to this than the marketing.

For older fans this story gives them hope that maybe somewhere out there is a guy that will treat them right. The character of Edward is more to them than a fictional being. He is the incarnation of what they want. A man that will cherish and protect the one he loves; an element of chivalry that is missing from today’s society.

Some may have heard this already, but if a one wants to learn the way to a woman’s heart he could benefit from watching Twilight. In looking past the story there is an element to this that is the voice of women. Women searching for the one guy that will be different from all the others that they have known; the one guy that will treat them the way that they deserve, the one guy that will act with love and chivalry.

Perhaps it is the hope and the dream of such a love story. One that overcomes obstacles continues to blossom and grow. Perhaps it is the hope that some where there is that one guy that will play the role of Edward for each of us.