Without Hyperbole

Erin-Go-Figure

2007-05-12T10:07:00.000-04:00

See that girl with the shamrock tattoo? There's a solid chance that if you randomly addressed her as Erin, you'd have guessed correctly.

Respect Your Broadleaf Deity

2007-04-27T18:11:00.000-04:00

If God was a tree, Arbor Day would be the new Christmas.

In this universe, Christianity would probably be less important, but we'd still acknowledge the crucifiction thing (damaging to the tree).

Rule #2

2007-04-24T21:24:00.000-04:00

For some reason, plastic shit is less tacky than plastic fruit.

Stumped?

2007-04-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

When faced with the socially challenging question of "what happened to your missing leg/arm/etc, saying you "lost a limb" makes it sound like you misplaced the limb in question and implies a touch of carelessness.

Saying you "had a limb bitten off/crushed/frozen/maimed" is a little lengthy and almost sounds like bragging.

Instead, go for the simple statement "I, too, notice my missing limb" and say no more. It's informative and has an air of mystery.

The XXX Men

2007-04-18T22:26:00.000-04:00

A decent superpower would be the ability to instantly know what any given person's fetish is. That way you'd really know how to fu*k them good!

*c

That's Pussy Talk

2007-04-16T19:10:00.000-04:00

Cats are largely silent, but will let out an all purpose "Meow" when vacant staring and pacing is not sufficient to communicate what they need.

Adopt this strategy in your personal life and witness one or more of the following outcomes:
a) You'll be labeled as a crazy.
b) The person you're communicating with will give up and walk away.
c) Your food bowl will probably get refilled.

At the end of the day, none of these options is really that bad. Give it a whirl.

The Law of Stare Cease

2007-04-14T10:55:00.000-04:00

It sucks if you get busted staring at someone, but if you're staring at someone because you are watching them stare at someone else, you're usually OK.

Mwahahaha! And Also, Ewww

2007-04-11T19:19:00.000-04:00

Imagine if pubic topiary took a turn so that the handlebar mustache style was en vogue for dudes. Not quite as evil as the below the nose variety, but twice as creepy.

You Can't Lose

2007-04-10T11:01:00.000-04:00

Death: The Shitty Lottery That Everyone Eventually Wins!

With His Lovely Assistant Hannibal Hamlin

2007-04-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

You know how Abraham "Merlin" Lincoln actually freed the slaves?

He waved his hands about the air, the gas lights dimmed and his eyes rolled back as he bellowed, "Emancipation...Proclamation!"

Fool Not But Yourself

2007-04-02T16:04:00.000-04:00

New Year's is a popular holiday for making resolutions, but it really should be more of an "April Fool's" tradition.

It's easier to welch out of a promise to yourself if you made it on a day known for tomfoolery and deception.

March Was Porno Month...

2007-04-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

...for animals, that is. You've heard the expression.

It involves lions, lambs and the old in and out.

Vandals Seldom Correct Grammar

2007-03-14T23:56:00.000-04:00

When you see the sign at the left, it's kind of a let down to open the door to find a single toilet, instead of the multiple promised.

Sure, you generally only need one toilet in a given situation, but still.

Serves You Right, Twit

2007-03-13T13:05:00.000-04:00

Booby traps are so named for the idea that a foolish person, or boob, will set them off. Since these traps are by nature difficult to spot and easy to set off, it hardly seems fair to question the victim's intelligence.

If booby traps let off some kind of audible alarm when you got close (WARNING! WARNING! DEADFALL AHEAD!) or were set where no one would find them (at the bottom of a well), THEN you'd be a boob for setting it off.

Somewhat related: a literal booby trap would be a devestating blow to breast-loving armies of the world.

Polish Up That Spelling

2007-03-12T14:23:00.000-04:00

"Exspert Shoe Shine Here" - Sign at a shoe shine booth on 47th and 6th

No one shines a shoe better than a former Spert.

You Can Only Imagine Two

2007-03-10T14:48:00.000-05:00

A new commercial for a Red Lobster promotion promises "lobster in more ways than you can imagine." They then go on to show a whopping three dishes.

Freezing Ice Holes

2007-03-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

Always fill the ice tray. Always.

The number of situations where you'd prefer an empty tray to one full of refreshing ice is few to none.

The No Guest Dinner Party

2007-03-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

No matter how you spin it (you're in the mood for it/it's easy/you're lazy), buying one box of mac and cheese, and nothing more, kind of makes you look like a loser.

Including Roofing Of A Hot Tin Nature

2007-03-05T18:02:00.000-05:00

Furniture for cats is silly and somewhat redundant; everything they sit on becomes cat furniture. And they'll sit on more things than most.

Talk To Him Anyway

2007-03-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

If you think you see singing sensation Seal at a bus stop and are thinking about asking for his autograph, stop and consider: would Seal ride the bus? Probably not, but the black guy with the scar you're looking at probably has interesting stories to tell, as well.

Attention, Attention

2007-02-24T18:00:00.000-05:00

"In honor of business trips to Los Angeles where time to blog will be non-existent, there will likely be no new posts until Saturday, March 3. Consider browsing the archives. "-Bullhorn

Spot on, Bullhorn. Oddly specific, but spot on.

Bring The Family!

2007-02-23T19:26:00.000-05:00

There's not much funny about abortion, but there's a lot funny about a nationwide chain of abortion clinics called "Babies 'R'nt Us."*

If you come up with the commercial that makes that brand palpable, you're marketer of the year.

*Just imagine that the R is facing the other way.

Jeopardy Themed Heading For $500

2007-02-21T14:16:00.000-05:00

Many television markets have started showing Jeopardy in high defintion (HD).

At first, you might not think it's necessary for a quiz show to be presented in HD, but then you notice how sharp the contestants look!

Balls To This

2007-02-20T07:38:00.000-05:00

Fruit of the Loom makes lots of things, but they're most famous for men's underwear. Given that, how come the logo includes no banana?

A Big -Ing Difference

2007-02-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

Snow in the city is only pretty as it's falling. When it's melting, it appears to turn to garbage.