我爱你! Wo Ai Ni!

Brrrr

2012-01-18T19:15:00.000-05:00

Starting to feel the cold around here. Days like today I just want to stay home! Which is what I normally do anyway! I am content to be at home and do little chores around the house all day. I am working on homeschooling Bailey and Naomi. So far so good. They are both very smart and Naomi knows all her letters and the sounds they make. I am thinking of teaching them both to read this winter. Not sure how well it will go. They both love books. The writing of letters is slower though, as they both have a hard time controlling their pencils. I am also going to start math flash cards with Bailey. I really want him to have the facts down before he starts school as the older kids always had a hard time with these and still do!
I noticed the older kids like to count on their fingers still! So none of that for Bailey. I don't want him to even start that bad habit.
Kobe got his first tooth! And he is already biting me!
Jaden is such a good boy on vacation, no attitude etc, the minute he is back on his meds he is moody again! I did get his dose lowered so it's not as bad, but man! I haven't gotten back report cards yet, they are due sometime this week, but I am excited to see how he is doing, I still think he needs an IEP though.
Kai-Li wow! She is sooo smart! Never would have thought! She is reading so well, and she is speaking Spanish now! I have no idea what she is saying most of the time! LOL I think it's pretty neat they are starting Spanish so early here.

I finally found Anthony's sweatshirt and had to do the photo of him with it on as I did for Kai-Li Bailey and Naomi...he is a little older than they were though, so it's a little tight! LOL

8 months old? Ahhh where has the time gone?

2012-01-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

Kobe is eight months already, I can not believe it! When I look at video of Bailey at around the same age, I can see that Kobe is more on the lazy side of things, which is fine by me! I find it really funny how I was sleep training Bailey at the same age, and I would not dream of putting my precious little Kobe in a bed to cry for hours at this age! Kobe is probably going to be a spoiled little guy, but I am just happy he is alive and well and I get to spoil and snuggle him all night.
Jasmines rash is actually getting better, I guess the meds work from the inside out, so maybe that is why she wasn't responding as quickly as I thought she should be. I am used to the bactriban, which works quite quickly on any skin infection.
So anyway...my ex told me he as going to help me out with some things around the house that needed to be done to pay off some child support bills, well he did come one day and installed some windows, he was supposed to come the next day and trim them out...haven't heard from him in a few weeks...such is life. Not surprising at all, but he could have at least wished the kids a happy new year...he also got them no Christmas presents, but claimed they were at his sister's house, they might be, he probably gave her money to go shopping for them. It just makes me sick though that he gives his so called girl friends more money than he gives his own children each month (he has not paid child support for a long time even though the court only ordered him to pay $50 a month.) He did tell me that he was going back to rehab to bet off of prescription pills which he had gotten for his back....he knows he can't take them, but he went to the Dr. and got them anyway and got hooked back on them....sigh...maybe he will go back to jail, that would be great! Then I wouldn't have to worry about my daughter learning how to play beer pong, which is what she picked up last time she was there....

ANYWAYS....I'm still loving my house, now the biggest thing I fear is something happening to it! It fear fire so badly sometimes I walk around wondering if I smell smoke, (and I have a wood stove so that is pretty much always)...I even wake up in the middle of the night worried! I am thinking about putting more insurance on the place!

life in general

2012-01-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

So as always we have interesting things going on in our lives.
Jasmine developed this weird rash on her face, I thought impetigo...she had it when she was a baby and it seemed to be spreading. I took her out of school to go see the Dr. they suspected the same thing, she has been on meds literally huge horse pills for to days now, and I see only a minimal change for the better...now I am beginning to suspect eczema, but why so suddenly? Our family has the worst skin! I swear we all break out in rashes, hives, itchy skin etc all the time, for no apparent reason. Two have been allergy tested and no two are alike as in allergies, Bailey is dust mites, Jasmine is cats and mold...the others also get eczema I am tempted to get them tested as well to see what they are allergic too!
I just hope Jasmine's face clears up, she is really embarrassed to go to school like that and with good reason.
I don't know if I mentioned that Bailey is no longer in preschool, the preschool was a half hour round trip and in the snow, so I decided to try and teach him home school as best I could, and Naomi as well.
Bailey has little to no interest in writing. He loves doing learning games on the computer, but when it comes to practicing his letters his hand eye coordination for writing is pretty bad. He also draws very badly! Naomi is much better than him at drawing. Bailey will get frustrated because he knows he is drawing badly and won't want to draw.

oh boy

2012-01-03T18:59:00.000-05:00

So it's been an interesting year so far. I somehow lost the keys to my van! when we bought it used it only came with one set, I knew it was going to be only a matter of time...and that time is now. I got it towed to the dealership and what do you know? It also needs a new battery some sort of sensor and an oil change and inspection...as well as having three recalls fixed. I really do not like my van. It is terrible in the snow, even with new snow tires. I never want to use it which is why the battery died....I wasn't using it and it some how shorted out...blah blah blah I want to trade it in so bad for something four wheel drive or all wheel drive, but we really can't afford it right now. And now....I am waiting for the garage to call and fill me in on the damage...yikes!
Kobe is almost 19 pounds now! He is such a chunker, I don't think Jaden weighed that much until he was one! And it's all Mama's milk, he still isn't on solids yet, but he gets to taste food, in little bites off of our plates.

Just randomosity

2011-12-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

I have been a pretty terrible blogger lately. I know I will regret not writing more often. Kobe is just the sweet mellow little guy he has been all a long. He is getting so big though and it almost breaks my heart! He seems to be a lot bigger than Bailey was at this age. Jaden, oh my gosh, just turned 12! I seriously, put ten candles on his cake and he had to remind me he was 12! Where has the time gone?? He is growing finally. For the first time in his life he is wearing the same size as his age...and his feet are now a 7 1/2! It's not easy to remind myself that he is going to be a teen soon. We are still having a bit of trouble at school. His grades aren't very good, and he claims no one likes him. He begs all the time to be home schooled. It breaks my heart. I am going to look into it if he seems to not get over this new kid thing and start to make friends.
His teacher claims he is doing well and fitting in, but Jaden doesn't seem to think so. It's hard to tell if he is truly having a problem or if he just doesn't like school.
Kai-Li has grown leaps and bounds in her reading. She loves to read! I am so excited because finally someone who likes to read! Jaden likes to read the diary of a wimpy kid books (light reading) Jasmine hates to read ( could be because she needed glasses all this time?) And Kai-Li loves it! She learns a word one time and will remember it. A very smart girl I think. She is reading me the "Junie B." books and needs a little help on some things, but is impressing me quite a bit!
I have been heating the new house with wood. At first I was going to do it as a supplemental fuel, but when I realized just how incredibly expensive oil is and how fast it takes to use up $800+ in oil I decided wood is going to be our main source of fuel and oil will be the supplement, I keep the thermostat at 60 degrees and with the one wood stove the house stays around 68 or so, I prefer a temp of around 72 when I'm awake, so I have been turning on the oil now and then to warm it up in here. I decided to get a second wood stove to heat up the other half of the house more. The heat doesn't reach the back of the house as much even though we have a blower. So hopefully we will be nice and toasty once I get the windows plastic-ed up and the new wood stove in my bedroom. The bad thing is though that my ex husband was supposed to help me do that to pay off some of the money he owes in child support (he pays nothing!) but he informed me the other day he is going to check into rehab as he became addicted to prescription pain meds again, so who knows when or if he will get it done. I guess I will have to be hiring my brother to do it again. My brother gets laid off in the winter so he has been a real godsend when it comes to manly tasks around the house. He stacked our wood so neatly he put my wood stacking to shame! LOL
Ok so all this talk about wood stacking I am sure is boring the crap out of those who live in warm states all year. But believe me, up north it's a lifestyle. :)

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas

2011-12-08T14:47:00.000-05:00

I am in the Holiday spirit. I love Christmas and it's super fun in our own house! Yay!
Jaden is playing basketball this year. He is saying he's not any good and that he thinks he should quit, but I keep telling him practice makes perfect and he doesn't like to miss any practices. He is like a stickler for being to practice on time, he basically wants me to leave an hour early when we live ten minutes if that away!I'm like I am NOT leaving until quarter of....He's a funny kid. I got him an ipad 2 for Christmas, I know the others will be very jealous! but Jaden has shown he is responsible with his things and I know I can trust him that he will take care of it, and if something did happen if would not be his fault.
For instance he is the only one who hasn't cracked their ipod screen...everyone, including me has a cracked screen! GRRRRRRR not my fault by the way, thank you Bailey!
Anyway I am one of those people who gets more excited for Christmas morning than the kids!
Kai-Li lost her second top tooth last night, so she is going to be able to sing, "all I want for Christmas..LOL I am going to record her in front of the tree today,,,he adult teeth are already visable, I don't think I lost my tops until I was 7 or 8 and I know I didn't lose my first one until I was past 6. She must be an early bloomer...uh oh!
Everyone is going to think I am crazy, but there is a method to my madness...we got a new kitten, "Precious" Kai-Li named her...LOL I don't think she has seen the movie..Joking!
We live in an old farmhouse with an attached garage and I am paranoid of mice, so I figure I'd rather have another cat then mice...Sushi isn't the worlds best mouser, in fact, Tyson is better at catching mice than her and he's a dog.....LOL
I am sooooo excited, my brother in law "Bo Bo" ya...nice name...is going back to China to get his wife and kids! finally! He has been here almost 7 years an finally they get to come, my parents are sponsoring them, which makes me really happy I could be a part of them getting to come. He has a girl a little older than Kai-Li and a son Bailey's age. Can't wait to meet them!

Kobe is getting big! He is sooo sweet and cuddly I am so in love with him, I wish he could stay little forever and ever! It stinks that they have to grow up. Well, it's more bitter sweet I guess.

Happy Turkey day!

2011-11-25T12:43:00.000-05:00

We had hot pot (steam boat) at the restuarant as usual. It was yummy! I would have enjoyed it more if we had also had shrimp though. We seemed to have lots of stuff though and it fed all of our family and restuarant workers, owners and their families.

We got hit with a ton of snow. I did have a plow guy lined up to plow us out this winter, but something went wrong with his plow truck the day of the storm and then he got caught in traffic from an accident on his way home with the part. I thought I might be stranded for Thanksgiving, but a nice neighbor came over with hi four wheeler and plowed me out! Thing have been fine with Jaden, he is starting to do ok. I have another meeting at mental health Monday and then he is able to see a "real" councelor.

Lighter hearted

2011-11-08T06:58:00.000-05:00

I'm going to do a bit of a lighter hearted post, I seem to have some sad ones recently!
Life with a house is GREAT! Can I just say that there really is nothing like it? I am loving it and being a stay at home Mom now isn't so bad either. I do somewhat miss the money and more adult conversations, but I attend college once a week and made a couple friends there so I still get my grownup fix regular like..:P
I also have more of a social life with a house to invite folks over, and not hiding out ashamed of our small cramped space that reminded me of a hoarders episode with no room to walk!

So far I am all A's in the two classes I took, I really love learning. There is something to waiting a few years (ok 14 years) and going back, you actually can focus on the learning and LIKE it! instead of wondering if so and so likes you... lol...ok so maybe that was just me!

Evaluation

2011-10-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday we went to mental health and had Jaden see a counselor. I was not very impressed. This woman rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. She didn't seem to know why we were even there and then she asked him three times if anyone including his sister had ever touched his private parts! The third time he actually said to her "Why do you keep saying that, it's really weird." So ya, I know it's her job and all, but my son is not crying out for attention, which she also kind of also assumed saying, "you like the attention you get when mom gets worried about you"...my son does NOT act like that off of meds, so clearly it is the meds and I did tell this lady this.
So...not really the help I was looking for...I may ask for someone else, we go back next week, if we go back at all.

2011-10-23T16:40:00.000-04:00

So feeling kind of depressed over getting Jaden a psyche evaluation. I don't know why I feel hesitant to do it. I guess I do feel as if he will be marked for life. I'm not referring to his school, I am just referring to life in general, this kind of stuff goes on your record. If you want any kind of job like army or police etc they look at this kind of stuff....don't they? Anyway, mental health will be calling me to set up a time, it can take months I guess. Other than that, I cut his dose in half and he seems better. I'm not sure how school is going, it was a short week, but it seems to be ok. I am sure not great, but ok is fine with me if my son is feeling good about himself.

not so good

2011-10-16T16:28:00.000-04:00

Well, last week I was going to write a post about how great my son was doing, until Friday that is. He started to have suicidal thoughts again. The Dr. wants me to have him get a psyche evaluation, I'm not really keen on it to tell you the truth. When he is off the meds he is perfectly fine, yes he can't concentrate on anything, but he is not planning on dying anytime soon. This whole thing sucks, I am at a loss of what to do, but at least he seems to be making friends at school now and the bullying has stopped.

Poor kid

2011-10-05T10:39:00.001-04:00

My son Jaden is being bullied and picked on at the new school. Let's face it , he's an easy target. A hyper kid who says all that's on his mind and then is quite sensitive when people call names.
He says everyone hates him. The ones who like him are scared to talk to him and be called names as well. Now I am feeling guilty for sending him to school unmedicated. I know kids with ADD and ADHD are missing lots of social cues, basically they don't "get it" when you tell them to get out of your face or stop being so weird. But then they become very sensitive when someone calls names or says they are "weird"
He said they are making fun of his clothes, saying he's gay, slapping him, yelling at him in gym saying he sucks at basketball, playing keep away with his hat, calling him a "Noob" which I found out doesn't mean "newbie"
We went to the Dr. yesterday and he is trying a new med today, starting off at a very low does so we can see how much he needs, I wrote the teacher a note (by the way Jaden's teacher is a 23 year old dude) i know I shouldn't be ageist, but I wish his teacher had a little bit more experience with kids, this is his first year of teaching, and he's a baby, so it's hard for me to bounce back ideas off of him, when I'm the one with all the ideas! Also the school website is down and I can't get any of the emails..normally this is the point where I would start emailing the crap out of his teachers....
I just feel so bad for him. At his old school he was almost popular. He couldn't walk down the hall without friends giving him hugs or high fives...LOL but I guess if I really think about it, he has never had a sleepover.....EVER, except at his cousins house which doesn't really count. I wish I could take all the hurt away from my baby. :(

2011-09-28T09:37:00.001-04:00

We are settling in nicely to our new home, we still need two more beds, but other than that we feel at home! The kids like their new house and we even have had neighbors come by with cookies.
Kai-Li is going to a girl scout meeting here today so maybe I can make some new Mommy friends. It has been a rough couple of days. My mother told my sisterin law something I had told her in confidence, but my Mom thought because she blamed it on one of my other friends "so and so told me" that she was protecting me, but instead she was putting me in the middle of a big mess...so instead of no one mad at me and my Mom keeping her big mouth shut I have two of my good friends mad at me...seriously my Mom is on my Sh@#t list, but how can your own mother be on your Sh$%gt list for long right.. by the way the only reason I said anything to my mother was out of concern for my SIL I didn't expect my mother to then turn around and use it to "get back" at my SIL for something she was saying about my brother...grrrrr, family drama, I can't stand it! Well, I guess I learned my lesson, I can't trust my Mom with secrets.

Settling in

2011-09-19T08:49:00.000-04:00

New

New Dog, new house, new school, life is good right now.

And I know, I always said I didn't need an extra mouth to feed, but Tyson is the perfect watch dog for me when I am all alone out here in the country. He is a mutt, but he is smart! I tell you he is only 8 weeks old and is already mostly potty trained! I got him from my cousin, and he already had his first shots, I am going to do the vaccines myself at home which is a lot cheaper than going to the vets. Then I will get him fixed as soon as possible to avoid the bad habits unfixed males get.

My house has a moterhome hook up which I didn't think much of until my dads younger brother came over and asked if he could hook up his motor-home! So now I have my uncle paying a $100 a month for electric all hooked up. Ya, it was a little strange, to have my uncle who I am not that close with come over and ask if he could hook up, but why not. He's going through a hard time with his kids right now, and he is really handy. He makes instruments like violins and guitars by hand.

They are coming out of the woodwork so to speak...LOL

The kids started school today and the bus stops right in front of our house! So cool. So they will be riding it! No more me driving them like before! I love it! I can't wait to see how they did today. Bailey will be going soon as well, I just sent his paperwork today, so I think they will call me and let me know.

I own a house!

2011-09-14T01:13:00.000-04:00

Sooo, yes I have been busy, busy and am staying up late just to catch up with my cyber buddies and friends. I love, love, love my house! I keep pinching myself to make sure it's real!
The picture is the kids huddled around the gas fire place this morning, we slept on the ground last night just to say we slept in our house. I honestly don't want to go home to the apartment and can;t wait to get all of our stuff in the house! I will try and catch up later.

Today is the day!

2011-09-09T08:12:00.000-04:00

Exciting!!! I know my long time friends know what a journey this has been. And all the hard work it took to get to this point. And for anyone out there who may be reading and thinking that getting their own house in unattainable. It's not. The USDA has one of the best lending programs for low income families out there check it out, what have you got to lose? I cannot but sing their praises! And now finally we can move out of this cramped apartment where we have been for five years and into some space!
I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life, but also scared. But that is what is exciting about life! Who wants to be in your own little comfort zone all your life. I mean sure it's comfortable. But think of the new people you can meet and starting fresh is always nice too.

I heard from my realtor that the sellers have been scrubbing and cleaning the whole house so we won't have to do anything but move in. They are very excited to have a big family move in and they are actually going to be our neighbors! I like them already. They have been very easy to work with and have done everything we needed them to do.
I don't need to bring any money to closing, it is all taken care of, all I need to do is sign, sign and sign again!
Ok, the next time I post I will be the proud owner of a 150 year old house! LOL

ALMOST!

2011-09-07T16:58:00.000-04:00

Sooooo this is it the final countdown and thank God, because I have been sleeping like crap! I am a nervous wreck! I am a walking zombie, oh my life is just really going forward these days. First off little Kobe perfectly healthy and such a blessing, then I finally after years of procrastination enrolled in college and my first day there is tomorrow, I already started a class online and so far so good! And last but not least our HOUSE! How excited am I? Reeeeaaaaallllly excited!

2011-09-04T00:49:00.000-04:00

Soooo....Bailey's boil seems to be better, I did take him to the Dr and they felt that if they did drain it , it would be a bad experience for hi since the numbing needle hurts and they didn't want poor Bailey fearing every time he went there something painful happened. So I have been soaking him and still the antibiotics...might need to go in again on Monday to take a look, but it's not red, I would however say it's not much smaller...
The kids and I went apple picking today, it was still really hot, but fun. I took the two older girls to my parents to stay tonight, my Mom asked if they could come and I drove them over, my parents will be going back to Fl in a couple months so I like that they can spend some time with them. I love my folks, I am one of those lucky people who have wonderful parents, they are seriously perfect, if only I could live up to them. They are getting old. Especially Dad, he is in his 70s...oh so scarey to think about, yet goes to work everyday still! And not easy work. My parents own a gravel pit, so it's a lot of loading dump trucks and crushing stone etc. But so far they have both been very healthy. Again lucky.

I got some good news and some bad news...

2011-09-01T19:57:00.000-04:00

Good news first! We have a closing date of 9/9/11!! Yay at 10:00am.
Bad news....Bailey has another boil! UGH! He has eczema right under his butt cheek and with all these extra baths it has gotten a little raw, but crap crap crap, the staff got right into it and DANG it tonight as I was putting his eczema cream on I felt a hard spot, and sure enough it is a boil. So back to the Dr. tomorrow because I am not messing with it or trying to drain it myself this time. Even though he is on some really strong antibiotics he still got another boil. :(

Still a problem

2011-08-31T21:10:00.000-04:00

So Bailey has to go back to the hospital tomorrow and get his boil drained again. Poor kid, I feel so bad for him. What a nightmare. To top it all off, I woke up with chills and fever, I have mastitis, no fun at all. It's my own dang fault for wearing a bra to bed and cutting off the circulation to my poor boob. I should have gone for a sports bra, but I need some support. So I am in a lot of pain, plus have to bleach and disinfect the bathroom 20 million times a day and give all the kids antibacterial baths and bleach baths etc etc...well that's my sucky life right now.

Living with MRSA

2011-08-27T11:40:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you something folks, between Bailey's dust mite allergy and the MRSA, I find myself turning into one of these OCD freaks who carry's antibacterial spray and wipes with them everywhere. I used to be of the school of thought where a little bacteria is good for you, besides we've heard of Kawasaki disease where the kid gets sick from to many chemical cleaning agents etc...well folks I have changed my tune. This MRSA thing has opened my eyes. No one is safe, you can get it anywhere, even if you touch nothing! Oh my goodness it is a scary world out there.
So what are we able to do about it? My life from now on consists of daily skin checks, lots of antibacterial hand washing and bleach baths. we are also as a family going to be trying a nasal spray that gets rid of MRSA that may have colonized in your nasal passage.
Thankfully Bailey is doing well, but I am afraid of the others getting it, hopefully though if we do skin checks and catch it early on we can put some strong antibiotic cream the Dr is sending me home with and kill the bacteria before it gets out of hand. Number one lesson learned, I am not going to try to take care of it at home anymore, first spot it's straight to the Dr. And that is what they told me I should do, even if it seems small. i hope though that this can all go away, but unfortunately I don't think it will ever go 100% away, and we are going to have to be pretty vigilant about it. The good news is soap does kill MRSA.
Bailey is free to go home today, his boil doesn't seem to be accumulating anymore puss and it's not red anymore, so after one last dose here of antibiotics he will be sent home for seven more days of oral.

Bailey's surgery

2011-08-26T16:59:00.002-04:00

Well I could not cause my little sick guy to suffer at home with his boil anymore. He couldn't eat for two days and trying to get his boil to drain was equally painful for both of us. Today we went for his appointment and the dr decided he needed to get it surgically drained. The surgery went well he was put to sleep before they did the blood work or IV or anything by my request. He has suffered more than enough with this nasty boil. They took about two hours total, I was getting nervous, but he was fine and came out of anestisa very calmly. He was very loopy and funny when he came back in the room. He drank three glasses of ginger ale and scarfed down a huge piece of pizza. It did mummy's heart good to see him eat something. He was down to 31 lbs and he usually weighs 33.

Poor Bailey!

2011-08-24T23:51:00.001-04:00

Ahhh, I have neglected to blog about this, but it has been a thorn in my side all summer. MRSA, look it up it's not cute. It is basically a staph infection that can live on surfaces for days and in the air as well, it can be passed from a sneeze...and can live in your nasal passage...oh man, it is a pain to get rid of!
My poor Jasmine was the first of the victims, she had spent time at her Dad's house when I was in the hospital. And developed a really painful boil on her back and other small ones in other places. Later I found out her father had had a boil at the time she was there, and that they had kept returning, but he had never gone to the Dr about it. So another nice gift from the ex...
The Dr. had drained Jasmine's boil and given her a prescription and I thought all was well...no.
The next on the list was Jaden and Kai-Li, both getting boils next to a cut, more meds more draining of painful disgusting boils, and these things just get bigger and bigger, the only thing that gets rid of them is this nasty antibiotic that can make some people really ill. Poor Kai-Li had several on her knee where she scrapped her knee, the bacteria goes in through cuts, and it was so painful for her to have me drain them, basically scrape the top off and squeeze the puss out when it would start to look red. Then Bailey on his butt, I caught this one quickly one day when it was small and it drained and he was on meds and it went away, then Jaden got one on his back that was really bad, meds again. Then now just today Bailey has another one on his butt and now he has a fever, because he didn't want to tell me about it for fear of the painful draining. Uhg, the Dr. says he might have to be put on IV antibiotics if his fever doesn't go away with the mouth antibiotics. I am so over this! I have to give the kids baths in bleach to try and get rid of this nasty bacteria we have going on. I hope we can get rid of it, I do not wish it one anyone!

More stress!

2011-08-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

So I just found out we are not 100% in the clear for the house until closing, before closing they do another quick check of your credit and employment! AHHHH!!
The other thing is finding insurance that isn't sky high for a house that is built in 1850....knob and tube wiring is still evident, but not in use, but for some reason my inspector decided to write the fact that it's still presesnt and not removed in the report and so that scared a couple insurers...
I went online and looked for quotes some of the people that called me were obviously from down south and when I mentioned an 1850 wood built home they about pooped their pants...I guess it's pretty unheard of anywhere but up here where that is pretty typical of the houses around here, most of them are at least 100 years old.
Well I am going to keep a positive attitude, but it's not over until it's over!
The house is not quite in the bag yet folks, fingers crossed, but still going to be apprehensive until it's all over.

I never got to celebrate a birthday with you

2011-08-22T12:58:00.001-04:00

But I never for a second forget you. The short time I held you in my arms, cuddled you, nursed you, smelled your sweet baby smell. I will never forget that. You were such a loving baby, you only wanted your Mommy to hold you, and I am glad I did, because if you would have been an easy baby who slept all the time, I wouldn't have got to hold you as much as I did. I am sorry I didn't get to know you longer, somehow I always will feel it's my fault. What if I had stayed up that night and played with you some more like I wanted to? What if...I just can never seem to run out of what ifs and I play that night over and over in my head wondering what else I could have done. Did I miss some sign? Why didn't I wonder when you seemed quieter than usual that night? Why? I don't know. I will never know if I could have changed what happened when you slipped away while I was sleeping. I know you are looking down baby boy. I love you so much and to this day my heart screams for you and my arms ache to hold you. To think of your tiny body buried under the ground, your perfect little form probably bones now, it kills me.
I wish I had more pictures of you, I only have a few. I was planning to take you to get your pictures done the day you died. I regret forever not getting to.

Happy 14th birthday my love. I have celebrated you in my heart these past 14 years. Mommy loves you Pooki.