Slavery is out except for just this one thing.

The NFL draft is right around the corner. And while many football fans anticipate their team’s success in the lottery, I can’t help but wonder what’s actually going on. On the face of it, sports drafts look like one big elementary school kickball game: 32 captains picking up the very best collegiate athletes giving their city the best chance of winning a championship. In typical dog-and-pony-show fashion, recruiters, coaches and talent scouts analyze, test and scrutinize thousands of men based on their physical and mental aptitudes with respect to their sport. It appears harmless because, after all, if the players perform well, they’ll get paid! What about the players that don’t perform as well as the elite i.e. the vast portion of players in the league? They jeopardize their physical and mental health in the field in hopes of impressing one of these talent scouts so that one day they too will earn a livable wage. Because of this gross discrepancy, I suggest that the NFL draft as well as most professional sports lotteries are conducting a modern day slave auction. Here, then, are 10 reasons professional sports embodies slave trade:

10.) The word “combine“, a building where athletes showcase their football skills prior to the NFL draft, originates from a piece of farm equipment used for harvesting, among other things, cotton.

9.) Nothing is more oppressive than being a reserve for a “Tribe” like the Atlanta Braves, Cincinnati Reds or Cleveland Indians.

8.) Only the cream of the crop are considered for the prestigious free-stater, Yankees.

7.) The physical and emotional abuse athletes put on their bodies just to make a living resembles that of sex traffickers.

6.) There are few trade arrangements that sneak more immigrant workers into the U.S. than the MLB draft.

5.) No team has traded for a Jew since they got out of the slave business in great Exodus.

4.) One award for getting drafted is an indistinguishable, cotton-blend jersey.

3.) 1.2 billion Chinese agree they’d rather be laying track than being picked to play sports.

2.) Undrafted personnel are called free agents.

~and, finally~

1.) Owners are mostly interested in the black ones.

"Quit looking at my twits, twurtles...I mean tweets, turtles." - The Freypril O'Neil

We can all agree that April, as a month, exists. Factually speaking, April has been around since just after the beginning of time (3 months and some change after to be exact). The meaning of its name couldn’t pair any better with its arrival. April connotes feelings of freshness and renewal just like spring time or a tampon commercial. Consequently for those living south of the Equator, April signifies a haunting feeling that the death and cold of winter is just around the corner. April is all things to all people. With such a extensive meaning, why, pray tell, did we come to call it April? Surely, there were other options available. Here, then, are 10 reasons they call it April:

10.) Praypril got Tim Tebow’s vote which meant only the New York Jets would go for it.

9.) Gaypril was too hot for some to handle and too much handle for some to grasp.

8.) Chaipril was, despite it’s deliciousness, at $4.25 for a Starbucks grande, too pricey for normals and too mainstream for hipsters.

7.) Paypril. Yeah, right. Like we needed another reminder that it’s tax season.

6.) No one but the horse constituency seemed to agree on Neighpril.

5.) Rapril, while enlightening the world to the problem of predatory sexual behavior, ultimately led to more rape.

4.) Mapril sounded like a breakfast syrup or a silly conglomeration of April and, its less popular sister month, Moctober.

3.) ¿Qué-pril? La palabra se originó en una cultura que es foriegn y, a menos que significaDoritos Tacos Locos, es una amenaza para los arizonenses.

2.) Yay!pril really spooked old folks causing many spring time strokes.

~and, finally~

1.) Spaypril was a nutless idea.

I came. I spoke. I joke.

At least this three-legged, deaf dog gets excited at my jokes.

My time at the Clean Comedy Contest at the Comedy Works South was a hoot. I didn’t advance and, therefore, can’t win the contest. I contend that I tried my best. I’ll tell you what, though, next time I get in front of anyone for comedic purposes, I’m going to make sure my jokes are funny. Maybe not next time, per se, but one of these times. What I take from this experience is that I don’t suck at comedy as much as I previously thought. Good for me! The second lesson I take from this is that Denver has a burgeoning and talented amateur comedy scene. I’m really glad I’m going for this in a supportive yet competitive environment.

What prize is worth having if you don’t have to fight for it?

I mean, even good pizza is hard to come by.

Why do today what you can put off forever?

What did you f*cking expect, dude? I can’t do EVERYTHING. In fact, looking back at my track record, I can’t do much of anything. It’s not that I’m not ambitious. I’ve got all sorts of dreams and aspirations. I want to be a movie star and a rock legend and an elite athlete and whatnot. But it’s so hard to be any of those things when it’s so damn hot outside. And, oh God, it’s already three o’clock?! I’ll just have to get on it tomorrow.

They say that an object in motion will stay in motion, but when you’re a lazy blob like me, it takes so much energy to you know…something or whatever. You know? Doing stuff makes me feel like I’m fighting my natural resistance to productivity. Just like a porn star, I don’t fight resistance. And I don’t want to feel bad about it either. Here, then, are 10 reasons that procrastination is a good thing:

10.) Of course procrastination is positive; It’s got ‘pro’ right there in the word.

9.) I can’t miss an opportunity when I’m not committed to anything else.

8.) Wayne Gretzky said “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I’m pretty sure when he said “shots” he meant “naps”.

7.) If meeting deadlines was a good thing they would have called them lifelines.

6.) It takes more muscles to smile than it does to do nothing.

5.) People are less disappointed in me when they have no expectations of me in the first place.

4.) Without the invention of procrastination, we couldn’t have the opposite…whatever that is.

3.) Waiting too long to make dinner tonight only means I’m having breakfast tomorrow.

2.) No one will expect me to finish something if I don’t start.

~and, finally~

1.) My inability to do stuff let’s you be creative! (Insert your finest reason procrastination is a good thing in the comment section)

I am competing in a clean stand-up comedy contest at Comedy Works South (at the Landmark) near Belleview and Quebec on Wednesday, March 28th at 7:30pm. This means all the f-bombs and references to masturbating while tying off a tourniquet for heroin (now you know why I jerk lefty) that you’re used to will fall by the wayside as I put my churchiest-foot* forward. No need to fret, it’ll still be as funny as always only more so. Call ahead and let them know you’re with me for a free seat. I hope you can make it. Then again, I hope.

South at The Landmark

5345 Landmark Pl.
Greenwood Village, CO 80111
(720) 274-6800

Here are the other goons that’ll be trying their best with me:

*What I mean is I’ll be walking on water.