With buns made out of pizza, you'll never again fit in an airplane seat.

Nothing elicits Pavlov’s doggie-style mouth watering like when fat people sense food. Give a gastropod a hoagie and he’ll mouth f*ck it into submission. All he needs to choke down each baby-head-sized-bite of meat and cheese is a dipping concoction of mayonnaise and two-liters of Mountain Dew.

What we conclude from this act of food rape is that the human body has a natural attraction to sweet, salty and fatty foods. Historically speaking, those foods provided the most nutritional bang for the buck. To a caveman, for example, the nutrition of fresh nuts and berries couldn’t hold a stick to a fat-laden, calorie dense plate of Moons Over My Hammy.

The problem facing Fatty Foodsack and his giant meat sandwich is that the governor that is supposed to regulate his calorie intake goes berserk when he’s just thinking about food. One meal snowballs into two, then three servings and dessert.

The fat, er, fact of the matter is that in some cases, food can become an addiction. Fatty stops thinking about how satisfying each bite is and, instead, focuses on cramming as much as he possibly can passed his many chins and fat folds, down his gullet. This downward cycle can be irreversible considering people need food to live. Here, then, are 10 reasons that fat people stay fat:

10.) They’re American, dammit!

9.) Thanks to the contradictory nature of food science, fatties don’t eat vegetables because they both lose too many nutrients when cooked and are indigestible when eaten raw.

8.) They hate the taste of water despite water being completely void of taste.

7.) Exercise isn’t the problem. It’s the sound of heavy breathing that’s scary.

6.) Why walk when they can sit?

5.) The most important meal of the day is second breakfast.

4.) Their four food groups are vegetables and fruit (snacks), whole grain (brownies), meat (pies) and Dairy (Queen).

3.) Pizza burger pie (see picture).

2.) This lifestyle is all part of God’s master flan.

~and, finally~

1.) Fat people eat their feelings if by “feelings” you mean “deep-fried bacon wrapped bacon poppers”.

Good business starts by wielding a big knife.

To run a good business only takes a little capital, a little know how, a little gumption, a good business sense, a background in management, a strong understanding of people, a knowledge of the markets, a little bookkeeping experience, a smidgen of SEO and marketing skill, a lackluster personal life, a tad bit of grit in governmental regulation, a small thirst for money, a crap ton of luck, etc. Successful CEO’s know that like a fine automobile, what goes into the engine will dictate what comes out. Surprisingly, most businesses don’t make it. I guess people put a lot of sh*t in the tank and that’s why there’s this gem:

“Garbage in, garbage out.”

“Call me when you’re six, I’ll show you a solid goal line package.” – Jerry Sandusky.

If anything, cats are men with bold dreams and powerful claws. It is the opinion of several hoarders that the world’s most adorable dog is still uglier than two dozen of their emaciated, dried up cats. I tend to agree; Hoarders are crazy.

What you might not know is hoarders have the exact opposite amount of crazy as homeless people. Their lives are paralleled by the fact that both live in immeasurable heaps of garbage. You might say that hoarders are indoor bums. Homeless people can be compared to a lot of other things that are not human. It’s a lot of fun. Let’s try it again! Here, then, are 10 reasons cats are like homeless people:

I haz brainz!!

10.) They sh*t next to boxes of sand!

9.) You don’t have to feed them every day.

8.) They always want something to drink in the most desperate way possible.

7.) They beg and beg and beg and when they finally get what they want they turn their backs on you.

6.) They frolic in trash and sleep in boxes.

5.) If they don’t get shots, they’re susceptible to rabies.

4.) Whiskers!

3.) They are capable of sitting lifelessly in one sunny spot for hours on end.

2.) They smell like they bathed with their tongues.

~and, finally~

1.) If you break down and let one into your house, it will mark it’s territory and stay forever.

http://www.ourmedia.org/node/325668

However, what he did this night during his set was disgraceful. Vic walked off the stage with the mic and started harassing the two remaining audience members. Not only was he crassly provoking one of the gentleman by straddling his lap and defiling the air with his arrogance, he started in with homosexual come-ons as a way to instigate a fight. Vic G wasn’t entertaining. Usually, I’m not critical or overly agitated by a novice’s performance, but Vic G was terrorizing people. It wasn’t cool.

Just as a note to myself; Don’t be like Vic G. Don’t act like Vic G. Don’t do drugs like Vic G. Don’t forget why we’re on the stage like Vic G. Even at the amateur level, stage time is about entertaining not harassing. As if it wasn’t bad enough for the crowd that remained and the host of the show, I had to follow that. I wish I was the kind of guy who could rise to the occasion. The most consummate professional couldn’t rescue that train wreck. Next time you feel like getting to a mic, Vic, you should just stay home, drink some coffee and sober up. Your bad attitude makes us all look bad.